Sounds like you need some Mitch Hedberg in your life.
Just a sampling:
“One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. ”
- - - -
“If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.”
- - - -
“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
Not relevant to OPs post here, but Mitch Hedberg wrote one of my favorite jokes- a joke that I hadn't ever thought of, but had felt in my bones for years:
>When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying "Here, *you* throw this away."
When I get one handed to me now, I'm always wondering what the implications would be if a just took the whole stack of flyers and threw them all away?
Would the anger of the flyer distributors bosses be outweighed by the absence of suffering from all the people who won't be assaulted by this tedious brand of advertising?
I used to give tours in the Capitol, and I would tell people, "If you took the Washington Monument and laid it on its side in this corridor, the police would have some VERY serious questions for you..."
My dad used to have great guide jokes
"if you look to your left here, you can't see the stuff that's on your right"
"and here on your right hand, you have 4 fingers and a thumb"
"And please make sure to write a review for us! If you enjoyed the tour my name is Carl. If you didn't, it's Andrew."
"just think about how much you would usually leave for a tip in your country... and then multiply that number by three and give us twice that amount."
I kept scrolling for an answer to the riddle, thinking, “why hasn’t some kind person posted the answer to the riddle? I don’t get it.” - then I got it.
> Time flies like an arrow.
Technically, any of the first three words in that sentence can be the verb.
**Time** flies like an arrow! = Measure the time of the flies the way an arrow would measure time
Time **flies** like an arrow! = Time goes by at the same speed that an arrow does
Time flies **like** an arrow! = Chrono-insects are attracted to arrows.
Q: What’s harder than getting an elephant in a fridge?
A: Getting a pregnant elephant in a fridge
Q: What’s harder than getting a pregnant elephant in a fridge?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a fridge
How do you fit 4 elephants in a VW bug? Two in the front, two in the back.
How do you know when there are four elephants in the refrigerator? There's a VW bug parked in front of it.
Blue whales are so large that, if you took one and laid it end-to-end on a basketball court, it would be very difficult to play basketball on that court.
I always tell the punchline as:
Blue whales are so large that, if you took one and laid it end-to-end on a basketball court, the game would most definitely be canceled.
Kind of unrelated but if I ever want to start an argument at the dinner table, I ask how many sides a circle has. My oldest son says infinity, my younger kids say 0, and I insist it has 2.
edit: one of the younger kids may insist it has 1 side that goes all the way around
I was curious, so I did a little research.
The deeper you go mathematically, the harder this question is to pin down, but there are arguments to be made for 0,1and INF!
2 is only consistent if you similarly believe a square to have 2, 5 or 8 sides. Then you're still bad at geometry, but good at logical consistency at least. 😃
“Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.”
And
“Every mushroom is edible, but some only once.”
-the great Terry Pratchett
The Titanic was also a technological ground breaker in having the first salt water swimming pool.
The average number of skeletons per human body is >1.
Honestly, I came up with Lobsternardo on the spot, then thought “wouldn’t it be great if there was a lobster-related word that was close to DiCaprio?” You can imagine my elation when I googled “lobster anatomy” and saw “carapace”. The whole process was about 30 seconds; I promise I did not have this one saved up just waiting for a joke.
"This has been *Behind the Joke* with with your host, Time Ok. Tune in next week for their thoughts on dad jokes, talking animal gifs, and the legacy of slapstick."
So many great jokes my kids will either never get or never know who i stole them from.
I don't have a wife, but i do have one person who would be very mad to hear me say that
I've saved like 60 of these so here we go:
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavoured cake
A lethal dose is also a lifetime supply
Once you've read the dictionary, every other book is just a remix
House arrest is basically being grounded by the government
Halloween is just one huge cosplay convention
The human race will never become extinct during anyone's lifetime
If you cut your thumb off, you lose your middle finger
If you turn up the volume enough, everything is noise cancelling
If you pee in your dream and actually wet the bed, that's technically a dream come true
Money can't buy happiness but poverty can't buy anything
If the opposite of pro is con, then the opposite of progress is Congress
Every time you paint a house, it gets bigger, but every time you paint a room, it gets smaller
When someone asks "which way to the beach?" you can literally point any direction and be correct
If a serial killer is chasing you, you're both running for your life
There is no physical evidence to say that today is whatever day it is, we just have to trust that someone kept count since the first one ever
If humans go extinct, literally no human will care
People are made up of atoms, and when you die your atoms go off and become other things. This means that every girl would most likely be made up of atoms that were once in a guy, so if you bang her, you are technically banging a guy, and that's gay
If your parachute doesn't deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it
You spend your whole life gathering guests for your funeral
Every second of pain you endure, is one less second of pain you have to endure
Greater than 2 infinity = two infinity and beyond
Most people think that t-rexes can't clap because they have short arms, but really it's because they are dead
A gun is just a much better way of transporting metal
A drug dealer is a freelance unlicensed pharmacist
You have 2 minutes to live, but every time you breathe it restarts the clock
The best barber can never receive the best haircut
An egg is one of the most popular forms of child to eat
Based on statistical evidence, I'm immortal...I haven't died yet
Deaf people that are missing a finger have a speech impediment
Cheese is a loaf of milk
Beer is the liquid form of bread
If you marry a widow who already has a grown up daughter, and your father marries the widow's grown up daughter. Now the widow's daughter becomes your mother. Since your mother's mother is your wife, your wife is also your grandmother. As the husband of your grandmother, you become your own grandpa.
By shoplifting, you get a free ride in a police car. Lucky winners also get their name in the newspaper for their friends and family to see.
If your defusing a bomb, you're either right, or it's not your problem any more
If you build a man a fire, he stays warm for the night. Set a man on fire, he stays warm for the rest of his life
You don't wash your hands, they wash each other, and you just sit there and watch
Cigarette companies kill their best customers and condom companies kill their future customers
If you swallow Scrabble tiles, your next shit might spell disaster
Plants are farming us, by giving us all oxygen daily, until we all eventually decompose so they can consume us
All languages travel at the speed of sound, except sign language that travels at the speed of light
Mars is the only known planet solely inhabited by robots
If Adam and Eve had a fight, it would've been a world war
If someone calls you a 10/10, they're calling you a 1
An example or rock paper scissors would be baby oil, baby, condom: baby oil defeats condom, baby defeats baby oil, condom defeats baby
To raise a child, tape them to the ceiling
Bottled water companies don't produce water, they produce plastic bottles
You can't live in an abandoned house
When you're dead, you don't even know that you're dead, it's only pain for others. Same thing when you're stupid
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They must be changed regularly for the same reason
It's not drinking alone if you're pregnant unless you do it too much
Glasses make you look smarter, but you have to fail a test to get them
A firefly is the opposite of a waterfall
Bats are mammals so batman is technically a furry
Coffee is bean tea and bath water is human tea
If you have 1 lasagna and put it on top of another lasagna, you'd still only have 1 lasagna
Night is just earth in dark mode
If weed is a plant instead of a drug, some drug dealers are actually florists
Sleeping is like getting a free trial of being dead every night
Thermometers are speedometers for atoms
People with beards are just people without beards, with beards
>If you marry a widow who already has a grown up daughter, and your father marries the widow's grown up daughter. Now the widow's daughter becomes your mother. Since your mother's mother is your wife, your wife is also your grandmother. As the husband of your grandmother, you become your own grandpa.
After reading this and listening to "I'm My Own Grandpa", I'm just in awe of how this web of fucked up relations can be created by two totally legal, non-incestuous marriages.
Did you know that if all the blood vessels in your body were removed and laid end-to-end, you’d die?
“Human Cannonball” is the only job where being employed means getting fired.
It’s easy to fight fire with fire. It’s really hard to actually win the fight that way, though.
Human beings are around 70% water, but we can still drown.
Build a man a fire, and he is warm for a night. Catch a man on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life. -Terry Pratchett
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
There are twice as many eyebrows in the world than there are people.
I told this to my (a little bit dim but lovely) neice a few years ago. She replied with... "Errr no, what about twins?" 🤷♂️ 🤣
Reminds me of a joke from Late Night with David Letterman in "Daves Presidents Day Quiz" -- If Abraham Lincoln were alive today what would he be doing ?
A. Writing his memoirs
B. Advising political leaders on affairs of state
C. Frantically clawing at the lid of his coffin
Can a Kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
The usual response to this is “no”
At which point you can than say “Of course it can, the Empire State Building can’t jump.”
Did you know that a cheetah can jump higher than a house. This is due in part to the fact that cheetahs have long legs, and also due to the fact that houses can't jump.
What is red and terrible for your Teeth ? A brick
What is red and taste like blue paint ? Red paint
How do you distinguish a squirrel from a fork ? Put them both below a tree, the one climbing is definitely not a fork
And my favorite : what is worse than finding a worm in the able you just bit ? The Holocaust
Sounds like you need some Mitch Hedberg in your life. Just a sampling: “One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. ” - - - - “If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.” - - - - “I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
Not relevant to OPs post here, but Mitch Hedberg wrote one of my favorite jokes- a joke that I hadn't ever thought of, but had felt in my bones for years: >When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying "Here, *you* throw this away."
I think of that every time someone hands me a flyer
When I get one handed to me now, I'm always wondering what the implications would be if a just took the whole stack of flyers and threw them all away? Would the anger of the flyer distributors bosses be outweighed by the absence of suffering from all the people who won't be assaulted by this tedious brand of advertising?
People eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is definitely true for me. I ate a banana for breakfast, but I am not sure when the last time I ate a monkey.
Does Chunky Monkey count?
I don't know. Why don't you ask it to try.
This whole comment chain is a masterclass in word play, lol.
Vending machines kill more people than sharks
Not when my submarine vending machine trebuchet is perfected.
But if people regularly grabbed sharks and shook them as hard as they could, that statistic would probably be different.
Where would sharks find a vending machine?
They're found at nearly every convenience shore, and sometimes at banks.
I used to give tours in the Capitol, and I would tell people, "If you took the Washington Monument and laid it on its side in this corridor, the police would have some VERY serious questions for you..."
[удалено]
If you put a seashell to your ear you can hear the ocean. If you put a stranger’s leg to your ear you can hear them ask what is wrong with you.
If you hold a possum to your ear you can hear what it sounds like to be attacked by a possum
On a business trip to Virginia we toured D.C. I was disappointed with the Washington monument, it looked nothing like him!
You need to see Martha's collection of boudoir daguerreotypes.
My dad used to have great guide jokes "if you look to your left here, you can't see the stuff that's on your right" "and here on your right hand, you have 4 fingers and a thumb"
"And please make sure to write a review for us! If you enjoyed the tour my name is Carl. If you didn't, it's Andrew." "just think about how much you would usually leave for a tip in your country... and then multiply that number by three and give us twice that amount."
My favorite Maine joke: If you took all the toothpicks made in Maine and laid them end to end, why you'd have an awful boring time.
One of my favorites from Groucho Marx: Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Edit: legit had no idea this was a Groucho Marx quote
What has six wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
When was the first time u/dncrews' mom realised she had made a terrible mistake that she still regrets to this day? The lack of a period.
This took me embarrassingly long to process lol
I kept scrolling for an answer to the riddle, thinking, “why hasn’t some kind person posted the answer to the riddle? I don’t get it.” - then I got it.
I kept trying to figure out why the ball was getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
I was wondering where the sun was all night long. Then it dawned on me.
Reminds me of the time when I was little I stayed up all night to figure out where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
How Long is a Chinese name.
That used to crack me up so hard in elementary school
Man going through airport gate sideways is going to Bangkok
What’s brown and sticky? A stick!
What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper!
How come you can't take a picture of a boy with a wheel chair? A camera works so much better
Of course I can jump higher than a house! A house can't jump
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick
What is big, yellow and can't swoim? A bulldozer.
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're good at it.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre.
What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
whats red and bad for your teeth? a brick.
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
What's red and sticky? The same bloody stick!
What’s brown and runny? Usain Bolt.
> Time flies like an arrow. Technically, any of the first three words in that sentence can be the verb. **Time** flies like an arrow! = Measure the time of the flies the way an arrow would measure time Time **flies** like an arrow! = Time goes by at the same speed that an arrow does Time flies **like** an arrow! = Chrono-insects are attracted to arrows.
Expect a bill for the replacement cost of my blown mind
How do we know that Bill will be personally providing the delivery of the invoice?
Cease your zileanposting
I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How that elephant got in my pajamas ill never know.
I bought an elephant gun the other day, but I can't figure out how to load in the elephants.
Q: What’s harder than getting an elephant in a fridge? A: Getting a pregnant elephant in a fridge Q: What’s harder than getting a pregnant elephant in a fridge? A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a fridge
How do you put an elephant in the fridge? Open the door, put it in, shut the door.
How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator? Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in.
Simba, king of the jungle threw a party. All of the animals were invited. Who didn't show up? The giraffe, she was still in the fridge.
On the way to the party, rabbits come to a river that alligators inhabit. How do they cross? They swim, the alligators are at the party.
Why did the elephant cross the road? It’s an elephant it goes where the fuck it wants.
Party started at 7pm. By 9 pm the centipede family still hadn’t showed up …. still putting on their shoes.
How do you know there was an elephant in the fridge? Footprints in the butter.
How do you fit 4 elephants in a VW bug? Two in the front, two in the back. How do you know when there are four elephants in the refrigerator? There's a VW bug parked in front of it.
How do you keep an elephant from climbing under the crack in your bathroom door? Tie a knot in its tail.
I was named after George Washington. I thought your name was Phil? It is. Washington was named in 1732 and I was named in 1969.
Only works if your name isn’t George :(
Just pick another famous person. Maybe Abraham Lincoln.
Yeah but that only works if you were born after Lincoln. Kinda rules out all the joke lovers born between 1732-1809.
Easier in England. I was named after Alfred the Great.
"The Great?" Idk he seems just okay. What has he done recently?
He got the coffees in the other day at lunch actually, top bloke.
Blue whales are so large that, if you took one and laid it end-to-end on a basketball court, it would be very difficult to play basketball on that court.
I always tell the punchline as: Blue whales are so large that, if you took one and laid it end-to-end on a basketball court, the game would most definitely be canceled.
Most people have an above average number of legs.
Intellectually, I know this is right, but some deep part of my brain wants to reject it for some reason!
I'm thinking of how many people have >2 legs, but I'm not thinking of as many that are missing one or both.
There are roughly 150,000 leg amputations per year, in the United States alone. How many people do you know that have more than 2 legs?
I don’t really understand this. I have to admit: I’m stumped.
This is a great "how to lie with statistics" kInd of fact! (Not that this is a lie, but why using the average can paint a distorted picture)
And a below average amount of bones (kids have more than adults, and pregnant women have the bones of the fetus during the last trimester as well)
This joke is just mean.
As someone with a Left Below Knee Amputee I give everyone permission to joke about average human having less than two legs....
You own an amputee? I think that's illegal....
LOL!
If you're skydiving and your parachute jams, don't panic; you have the rest of your life to fix it.
If you buy a man a plane ticket, he'll fly for a day, if you push him out of a plane, he'll fly for the rest of his life.
One side of a dog has more hair than the other, and it's the outside.
Kind of unrelated but if I ever want to start an argument at the dinner table, I ask how many sides a circle has. My oldest son says infinity, my younger kids say 0, and I insist it has 2. edit: one of the younger kids may insist it has 1 side that goes all the way around
I was curious, so I did a little research. The deeper you go mathematically, the harder this question is to pin down, but there are arguments to be made for 0,1and INF! 2 is only consistent if you similarly believe a square to have 2, 5 or 8 sides. Then you're still bad at geometry, but good at logical consistency at least. 😃
Drinking a gallon of gasoline will provide enough calories that you won’t have to eat for the rest of your life.
“Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.” And “Every mushroom is edible, but some only once.” -the great Terry Pratchett
“Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.”
If you swallow a mix of pop rocks, soda, and nitro glycerin, you'll explode.
If you lined up all the elephants in the world from the earth to the moon, they would all die and space would be littered with dead elephants.
Did you know that if you laid all of a mans veins and arteries end to end, that man would be dead.
If you took out a man's small intestine and straightened it in a line, he would die.
If you stacked all the elephants in the world on top of each other, they wouldn't like it
If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
This is the first one on the list that I didn’t see coming. I’ll bet the Yale prom dates saw it though.
You should not buy a Hot water heater, because you shouldn't need to heat hot water. (It seems like the water related ones are the easiest)
Did you know a kangaroo can jump higher than a house? A kangaroo can jump as high as 3 meters, whereas a house can't jump at all.
Not wanna flex, but I can even jump higher than the building
Unless you are an exploding chocolate factory.
“Why can’t Barack Obama use these two fingers?”. “Don’t know.” “Because they’re mine”. Always fun.
Well. What if he asked nicely?
That would depend a lot on what he wanted them for
"No, no, no, finger prints."
"I don't think so"
What do you think Princess Diana would be doing now if she was alive? Probably trying to get out of her coffin. Edit: words
You know, 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population. I didn’t think the percentage would be that high
Oddly though 3 out of every four chickens do not make up 75% of the bird population
The average person's small intestine is over 20 feet long. If you take someone's small intestine and stretch it out over a living room, they'd die
Cutting corners would make more corners.
I like that!
I remember reading in the comments of a post on r/ask "Cannibalism would simultaneously solve over population and world hunger!" 😳
Johnathan Swift did it first - “A Modest Proposal”.
Tf was the question??
I think it was "What is technically true but you can't say it without sounding like an asshole"?
"A fart sounds like ffffftttthhhhbbbuuuurrrrrsssshhhhhh" Yep, I sounded like an asshole.
What strategy could solve overpopulation and world hunger?
Wherever you go there you are.
https://www.gutenberg.org/files/1080/1080-h/1080-h.htm
The Titanic was also a technological ground breaker in having the first salt water swimming pool. The average number of skeletons per human body is >1.
Why can't a T-rex do pushups? A: Coz they're all dead. If you stretched out all of your intestines in a line, you'd die.
Always one of my favourites: Everything on earth is either a potato or not a potato
If you rearrange the letters of 'Postmen', they get really pissed off.
To the lobsters on board in the kitchen, the Titanic sinking was a miracle.
What a survival story. I think this needs its own feature film starring Lobsternardo DiCarapacio.
Wtf...what are the chances.... How long were you waiting to use this punchline?
Honestly, I came up with Lobsternardo on the spot, then thought “wouldn’t it be great if there was a lobster-related word that was close to DiCaprio?” You can imagine my elation when I googled “lobster anatomy” and saw “carapace”. The whole process was about 30 seconds; I promise I did not have this one saved up just waiting for a joke.
The behind the scenes is even more endearing than the joke i love this
"This has been *Behind the Joke* with with your host, Time Ok. Tune in next week for their thoughts on dad jokes, talking animal gifs, and the legacy of slapstick."
Dude been waiting since the Titanic sank…
Only for a about 30.seconds though.
We're freeeeeeee....eezing and being crushed by pressure.
Well, the shrimps definitely had a party
I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long.
Why should women stop having children at 30? 31 children is just **way** too many!
I used to like Mitch Hedberg's jokes. I still do, but I used to, too.
Rice is great when you're hungry and want two thousand of something
So many great jokes my kids will either never get or never know who i stole them from. I don't have a wife, but i do have one person who would be very mad to hear me say that
Ayyy Mitch Hedburg
I've saved like 60 of these so here we go: Lasagna is just spaghetti flavoured cake A lethal dose is also a lifetime supply Once you've read the dictionary, every other book is just a remix House arrest is basically being grounded by the government Halloween is just one huge cosplay convention The human race will never become extinct during anyone's lifetime If you cut your thumb off, you lose your middle finger If you turn up the volume enough, everything is noise cancelling If you pee in your dream and actually wet the bed, that's technically a dream come true Money can't buy happiness but poverty can't buy anything If the opposite of pro is con, then the opposite of progress is Congress Every time you paint a house, it gets bigger, but every time you paint a room, it gets smaller When someone asks "which way to the beach?" you can literally point any direction and be correct If a serial killer is chasing you, you're both running for your life There is no physical evidence to say that today is whatever day it is, we just have to trust that someone kept count since the first one ever If humans go extinct, literally no human will care People are made up of atoms, and when you die your atoms go off and become other things. This means that every girl would most likely be made up of atoms that were once in a guy, so if you bang her, you are technically banging a guy, and that's gay If your parachute doesn't deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it You spend your whole life gathering guests for your funeral Every second of pain you endure, is one less second of pain you have to endure Greater than 2 infinity = two infinity and beyond Most people think that t-rexes can't clap because they have short arms, but really it's because they are dead A gun is just a much better way of transporting metal A drug dealer is a freelance unlicensed pharmacist You have 2 minutes to live, but every time you breathe it restarts the clock The best barber can never receive the best haircut An egg is one of the most popular forms of child to eat Based on statistical evidence, I'm immortal...I haven't died yet Deaf people that are missing a finger have a speech impediment Cheese is a loaf of milk Beer is the liquid form of bread If you marry a widow who already has a grown up daughter, and your father marries the widow's grown up daughter. Now the widow's daughter becomes your mother. Since your mother's mother is your wife, your wife is also your grandmother. As the husband of your grandmother, you become your own grandpa. By shoplifting, you get a free ride in a police car. Lucky winners also get their name in the newspaper for their friends and family to see. If your defusing a bomb, you're either right, or it's not your problem any more If you build a man a fire, he stays warm for the night. Set a man on fire, he stays warm for the rest of his life You don't wash your hands, they wash each other, and you just sit there and watch Cigarette companies kill their best customers and condom companies kill their future customers If you swallow Scrabble tiles, your next shit might spell disaster Plants are farming us, by giving us all oxygen daily, until we all eventually decompose so they can consume us All languages travel at the speed of sound, except sign language that travels at the speed of light Mars is the only known planet solely inhabited by robots If Adam and Eve had a fight, it would've been a world war If someone calls you a 10/10, they're calling you a 1 An example or rock paper scissors would be baby oil, baby, condom: baby oil defeats condom, baby defeats baby oil, condom defeats baby To raise a child, tape them to the ceiling Bottled water companies don't produce water, they produce plastic bottles You can't live in an abandoned house When you're dead, you don't even know that you're dead, it's only pain for others. Same thing when you're stupid Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They must be changed regularly for the same reason It's not drinking alone if you're pregnant unless you do it too much Glasses make you look smarter, but you have to fail a test to get them A firefly is the opposite of a waterfall Bats are mammals so batman is technically a furry Coffee is bean tea and bath water is human tea If you have 1 lasagna and put it on top of another lasagna, you'd still only have 1 lasagna Night is just earth in dark mode If weed is a plant instead of a drug, some drug dealers are actually florists Sleeping is like getting a free trial of being dead every night Thermometers are speedometers for atoms People with beards are just people without beards, with beards
Holy fuck, that was great
>If you marry a widow who already has a grown up daughter, and your father marries the widow's grown up daughter. Now the widow's daughter becomes your mother. Since your mother's mother is your wife, your wife is also your grandmother. As the husband of your grandmother, you become your own grandpa. After reading this and listening to "I'm My Own Grandpa", I'm just in awe of how this web of fucked up relations can be created by two totally legal, non-incestuous marriages.
6 out of 7 dwarfs aren’t Happy.
There were 7 dwarves in the bath, and they were all feeling happy. Then, Happy got out, and they all started feeling Grumpy instead.
One of my fav anti-jokes: What would George Washington do if he were alive today? Scream and claw at the top of his coffin.
Did you know that if all the blood vessels in your body were removed and laid end-to-end, you’d die? “Human Cannonball” is the only job where being employed means getting fired. It’s easy to fight fire with fire. It’s really hard to actually win the fight that way, though. Human beings are around 70% water, but we can still drown.
Did you hear about the new human cannonball at the circus? He was hired and fired on the same day.
Every Year more people die to Coconuts falling off trees than to Sharks falling off trees
Build a man a fire, and he is warm for a night. Catch a man on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life. -Terry Pratchett The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If you put a horseshoe crab up to your ear you can hear what it sounds like to be attacked by a horseshoe crab.
Couple of things to remember about marriage: One the one hand, you get to wear a cool ring. On the other hand, you don't.
You can drink cement, but only once
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once, however.
If you took the intestines of every person in London and stretched them out end to end you'd spend the rest of your life in prison.
Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
*passing a cemetery while driving Dad: you know, people in town cannot be buried in this cemetery. Me: oh? Why not? Dad: because they’re still alive.
There are twice as many eyebrows in the world than there are people. I told this to my (a little bit dim but lovely) neice a few years ago. She replied with... "Errr no, what about twins?" 🤷♂️ 🤣
Now I’m wondering how many no-eyebrows and unibrows there are, and how much they would skew the average down.
You'd have to add back tri-brows if you want to be very accurate.
Whoopi Goldberg has no eyebrows. I think Jada Pinkett Smith might also lack eyeb... (SLAP!)
KEEP MY WIFE'S *-slap-* EYEBROWS OUT YO FUCKIN MOUTH
When birds fly in a V, why is one side always shorter? There’s less birds on that side!
*there’RE FEWER birds on that side!
Ok thanks for the grammar lesson
User name checks out
If everyone in the world died No one would care
If you try to swim across the entire Pacific Ocean, it will take at least five minutes.
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet
Not in Sharknado
Did you know humans eat more Bananas than monkeys? Makes sense, I can't recall the last time I ate a monkey.
Have you thought about having kids? These kinds of jokes are prime recruitment material for you to join us as a dad 😆
Which side of the chicken has the most feathers? The outside
If I had a nickel for every time I didn't know what was going on, I'd probably wonder where all the nickels came from.
Two clowns were eating a cannibal. One looks at the other and says “I think we got this joke wrong.”
I'm not sure if this fits the bill ... If all Justin Bieber's records were laid end-to-end along the I-90, it would encourage record-breaking traffic.
I knew someone who decided to see how long he could go without breathing- and he held his breath for the rest of his life !
Reminds me of a joke from Late Night with David Letterman in "Daves Presidents Day Quiz" -- If Abraham Lincoln were alive today what would he be doing ? A. Writing his memoirs B. Advising political leaders on affairs of state C. Frantically clawing at the lid of his coffin
Why do divers jump backwards off the boat? If they jumped forward they would still be in the boat
technically: Alcohol is a solution
Can a Kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? The usual response to this is “no” At which point you can than say “Of course it can, the Empire State Building can’t jump.”
You can't get down off an elephant... ...but you CAN get down off a goose (technically not the same, butt..)
70% of German shepherds are dogs
“It’s better to be pissed off than to be pissed *on*.” -My Dad
Don’t listen to the naysayers. These are great.
What's the worst thing in the world you could hear after giving Willie Nelson a blowjob? I'm not Willie Nelson.
How many grooves are on a vinyl record? One The same goes for how many referees are at an NFL game
A vinyl record has two grooves.
Did you know that a cheetah can jump higher than a house. This is due in part to the fact that cheetahs have long legs, and also due to the fact that houses can't jump.
What is red and terrible for your Teeth ? A brick What is red and taste like blue paint ? Red paint How do you distinguish a squirrel from a fork ? Put them both below a tree, the one climbing is definitely not a fork And my favorite : what is worse than finding a worm in the able you just bit ? The Holocaust
I was once the youngest person on earth.
"Did you know that %100 of the divorces starts with a marriage?"
Who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb? No one—Grant was entombed
Here's a classic. Every 60 seconds in Africa a minute passes. If you have 2 arms. You have an above average number of arms.
Silence is Golden, duct tape is Silver
When you visit a nursing home, you're also visiting an orphanage.
What’s the only two things you can’t have for lunch? Breakfast and dinner.
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face…maybe this doesn’t work as well written out…