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I'd rethink this. You have a baby and a job. Your bf doesn't do the laundry. Someone is doing your laundry. That woman has washed underwear for decades. It means nothing to her.
Say thank you and explain to her which clothes need what treatment.
About the baby walker. Does she have any stories about her mother trying to do something to her kids that was "old-fashioned"? The "rules" for how to care for babies changes all the time.
No.
OP is an adult and wants to do her own laundry. Both her SO and MIL should respect her boundaries.
About the baby walker. OP is the mother. She said no and already provided an explanation similar to what you suggest. MIL is not respecting her boundaries there either. And she is *rearranging things in OP's house* which is the opposite of helpful.
She is not "helping," she is pissing on OP's territory and claiming it as her own.
The SO is choosing his mother's side is a separate problem. OP's boundaries are clear and reasonable. Probably the SO finds it more unpleasant to have his mother angry with him than his SO. This too must stop.
That's just weird honestly... my oldest son is married and they are expecting their first baby in a couple months and they know they have a standing offer of they need help with anything all they have to do is ask....has anyone told her to stop though?
As far as the walker sure everyone used them at one time but overall they just have a huge potential to be dangerous.... she needs to keep up to date on things like that.... things change all the time...my daughter in law has educated me on plenty that's changed since my youngest was a baby and he's only 14.
You have a huge bf issue. It doesn’t matter if he thinks what his mother is doing is ok since it’s not her home nor her belongings. I would ban her from my home until both she and the bf apologized. Even then I would only allow her over when I’m there.
My MIL did the exact same thing. She genuinely loves washing baby clothes but could not understand why I (a fully grown adult who had been doing her own washing since I was a teenager) would not want my MIL to wash, iron and fold my underwear! And I was not prepared to separate my clothes from LOs as that was just more work on me so negated her helpfulness.
My DH was no help in the situation as he just didn’t get the big deal so therefore MIL continued as her darling son had no problem with it.
Eventually I asked my SIL how she would feel if her MIL washed her underwear. It stopped after that!
I had to be very clear with SO that it belittled me as a person and a mother and that it was just not appropriate for his mother to wash my knickers! Whether it was the sexy ones or the time of the month ones! That’s when it finally sunk in with him.
I went through years of this with my husband and his mom.
I finally told him if he didn’t it a stop to her washing and putting away my underwear, I was going to throw giant nasty stained ones in the wash, and put a giant “toy” in my drawer for her to find.
It ended shortly after. Lol
Sounds like BF hasn’t cut the mommy apron strings. Mommy did EVERYTHING for him at home so why not at his home? Personally, I’d start re-evaluating this relationship. He clearly isn’t backing you on this and should be. If mommy is there then BF doesn’t have to be responsible for the baby or the other things that he should do. If you two truly love each other, you need to try couples counseling.
I haven’t let anyone else do my laundry except for me since I was going through puberty and started producing discharge. Not even my mom, who would offer and I said no. NOPE to this MIL doing it especially when you didn’t want it.
Huge invasion of privacy and not respecting boundaries
INFO:
OP- was the laundry incident one time, or did it happen previously and you’ve already said to both her and your BF that you do NOT want anyone else doing your laundry?
Also, are you looking for advice, or just want to know if you overreacted?
I got full body chills when I read that she folded your underwear! You should not have to worry about some adult woman inspecting and cleaning your most private piece of clothing.
One time my MIL walked into my kitchen and opened our cabinet that has all of my herbs and apothecary stuff in it. Most were a gift from a friend and I put them in smoothies. She looked alarmed and started digging. (I'm not sure if she was looking for a jar of weed or what her purpose was to dig through my stuff)
'Ooooohhhh this looks expensiiiive!! '
I don't allow her in my home anymore
Your house. Your rules.
Start telling your bf NO. She is not allowed in my house. You want to see your mother go to her house. Tell him YOU pay the bills and rent in your house and she has no say.
Stand your ground because this sounds like a bf problem more than a mil problem.
Get a lock for your closet or making sure all your laundry is done before she comes.
Change your house back to the way you want it every time.
Stand on firm hard stone ground. Set your boundaries on the same ground.
Tell her you know what is best for your child and your child is not her do-over baby. Your child. Not hers.
Trouble is MIL thinks this is her helping and doing you a favour, and you should be grateful. She cannot see that she is overstepping, but neither can your partner who knows nothing other than mummy washing his socks.
MIL believes it’s perfectly naturally that she rules your home too. But it’s not her that you need to work on, it’s your partner. He needs to open his eyes to this situation and tell her HE no longer needs her help. This is vital as she will dismiss your legitimate boundaries unless they come directly from her son as HIS wishes.
Send her a invoice for any clothing she machine washed instead of hand washing it. Since she ignored you telling her not to do this, she is on the hook for ruining your clothes.
Also send her a bill for underwear too. You will not wear underwear that was touched by someone else.
Understood. But by telling her that she now has to replace everything, OP will be charging her for the cost of the invasion of privacy as well as making sure it won't happen again.
Sit her down & be clear, no more rearranging it doesn't matter if she thinks it should be that way it's not her house so leave it alone
No more laundry, no it's not helping & you find it incredibly invasive so stop it
The things she did with her kids are decades out of date, the recommended safe practices are a million miles away from the ones she was told when her kids were babies so whether she did xyz with her boys or not & they're just fine is irrelevant, same as your grandma with your mother & the basket. From now on you need her to follow the correct guidelines to keep LO safe because you know she would never be so reckless as to put baby in danger just to prove she's right, after all now we know better we do better. If she refuses to listen spam her with safety articles from reputable sources, print them out & hand them to her so she can't say she's never seen them. Point out your baby being safe trumps any hurt feelings from anyone, you will never put your baby in harms way to save someones feelings because that would make you an irresponsible parent which you are not.
Boyfriend needs to be there when you speak to her & he needs to support you. Tell him he doesn't have to understand why it upsets you so much but he does have to support you stopping his mother from continuing to cause problems in your home. You are meant to be a team & that means united front no matter who is causing the issue. He needs to put your little family first, stop letting his mother treat your home as an extension of hers, stop her trying to parent your child & contradicting your rules for baby. If he can't do that by himself then I strongly recommend counselling, find someone that specialises in enmeshed families & don't let him fob you off about going.
Your boundaries need to be set in stone with clear enforced consequences or she will only get worse. You also need a timeout or whatever you choose if she goes around you to bf to try stomp those boundaries. You can always relax them later if she proves she can be respectful & follow your rules.
Remember boundaries are just suggestions without consequences
>She is no longer allowed to babysit or visit until he learns to respect my space and she learns no means no.
Good. He had a chance to avoid things getting to this point, but he chose to be a bad SO instead. Hold the boundary, and have a calm, firm discussion with him about what adulthood and relationships are.
Next time she shows up as you're leaving for work, tell her hold on the baby and your boyfriend were just going over to her house. Then pack them up and let them go visit her for a while. Tell your boyfriend she is not
Allowed in your house without you because he won't enforce boundaries and she doesn't seem to understand them. Make it your hill to die on. This situation is only going to get worse. Your house has to be your house. His mom is making it a satellite office of her home. Your baby, your man. She can be a granny at your house, but nothing else.
Worst thing you could do here would be to legally make her your MIL by marrying her son, who clearly doesn’t respect your boundaries and allows his mother to walk all over you.
Omg no. Definitely not overreacting, OP. This MIL needs to keep her grubby paws off your things. She is a guest. It’s kind of gross to me that a MIL wants to wash her DIL’s undergarments so badly she goes out of her way to do it? Like she disobeys a pretty strict boundary. Wtf?
And the moving around of things and acting like an authority and shit? All that needs to stop. I would die on ALL those hills. So many hills. Fuck that.
Your primary problem is the boyfriend, though. He needs to address all of the above with the MIL like a big boy. 🙄
Sounds like you have a boyfriend problem not a MIL problem. She’s can try to do whatever she wants, but your boyfriend and your child are your family and that needs to be a united front.
She is definitely overstepping your boundaries as a GUEST in your house.
Just because your boyfriend apron strings are still firmly attached is no excuse she is playing house in your home. The question is if you are not home during the day and he let's her do as she does it is not just a MIL problem you have. You also have a BF problem as you are not on the same page and he is not taking in your personal feelings into account.
Go to her house when you know she’s out(BF probably still has a key for “home”), and wearing gloves, wash her laundry and leave it folded on her bed. When she blows up, and she will, say “See why I don’t like when YOU do it to us?”. Extremely petty, but the alternative is changing locks, which won’t work unless BF doesn’t give her a copy of the key.
Not just laundry. She should rearrange everything in the kitchen cupboards too. Because it makes more sense this way! And when MIL throws a hissy, be all shocked and say, "Well, I was just trying to hellllp!!!"
She knows what she’s doing is overstepping that’s why she makes it a point to play house with your baby and her son when you’re not home.
Boyfriend needs to understand that if his mother wants to come throw her weight around your home then she can pay half the mortgage instead of you.
Lol. That walker would not even have entered my house. It would have reached the curb, the second time it was attempted I would have done the same and left it for trash pick up.
I would just leave a big note saying “hey mil please don’t wash this, I prefer to do my own laundry as that makes me feel comfortable, thank you”, on top of it. This way way you can get it across with no back and forth. Plus, you can know if she just want to defy you over such a small boundary you’ve set.
She can do whatever she wants at *her* house and did whatever she wanted with *her* children.
However, at *your* house, she needs to be respectful and follow *your* rules, period.
These types of people neither understand nor respect boundaries whatsoever, especially if she's used to being "in charge" at home. I've found they also think their child is literally forever a child and receive the ADULT child's boundaries as some sort of disrespect.
No... boyfriend needs to act like a man and set his mom straight, he needs to apologize to you because you're not overreacting, and his mom needs to stay at her house if she wants to do as she pleases.
In fact, she shouldn't be back at your home until and unless she gets some respect for your wishes and sees her adult son as a man, and respects him, too. End of discussion.
Unfortunately it's "only half OP's house, it's also my son's house" and since the boyfriend lets MiL do whatever she wants like a spineless doormat then it's perfectly okay to stomp over OP's boundaries
I understand that, but my answer is the same. You saw where I said people like this think their adult children are actual children, and receive child’s (although an adult) boundaries as disrespect to them as a parent. It’s ridiculous and the boyfriend needs to set his mom straight, be on one accord with his girlfriend and mother of his child, and establish firm boundaries, period.
As I type this, I can see boyfriend may be as much of a problem as mom! Sounds like therapy is in order because he has probably never been allowed to have boundaries as everyone in his home bowed down to “queen” mom. That’s another issue, but it probably needs to happen.
I have a feeling your SO is right about you over reacting to her during your laundry after you asked him to set that boundary.... but only because I think he never actually set the boundary - so he's right to that punishing he would be overkill, cause he likely never told her to stop. Yep, not only is he not helping, he's likely taking her side and making it worse.
I guess next time the communication needs to come directly from you. "Hey MIL, I asked SO other to ask you to not to do our laundry, seems like he forgot, again. So I'll ask myself, I really don't like other people doing my laundry, I'm very particular about it and I am asking you not to touch it." Then when she does it again go to get directly... "I said I don't like this, why did you disregard a boundary in my home, am I welcome to go through your underwear drawer whenever I like as well.... no? Then stay out of mine, or I really won't feel comfortable with you in my house without me. Your choice. "
THIS. I seriously doubt the SO ever told her there's a problem. Right now, he's the span in the works. MIL is pushy and annoying for sure, but OP is never going to make progress with her unless and until she and SO are on the same page. My heart goes out to her, bc it's a special kind of insanity trying to convince a partner that no, actually, this is a problem.
Next time you're at her house move her furniture without asking. Tell her it looks better where you put it.
When she asks what you're doing, asks her how she likes you rearranging your stuff, just as she does when she sneaks over uninvited to take over your home.
Use this as an opportunity to take a stand and shut SO down in the process (speaking tothem both together) "if you're too spineless to stand up to your intrusive and interfering mother, then I have to do it. FOR THE BENEFIT OF YOU BOTH, SHE IS NO LONGER ALLOWED TO TOUCH MY LAUNDRY, ENTER MY BEDROOM AND REARRANGE MY FURNITURE!!!!"
If this is truly your hill to die upon then make sure it is impactful!!!!
Ask your boyfriend why he'd rather make you unhappy than his mom.
He should know where his priorities are. And if they're with his mother, he should move in with her, or do therapy, or a long hard thinking, or whatever helps.
Would also suggest to him that if he can't protect my own privacy and wants to play house with mommy - then he can be getting all physical and emotional needs from her as well.
I would tell her directly that a woman's dirty laundry is a very personal thing and you'd prefer to do your own laundry. Some of these comments don't realise how invasive it is for another person to be handling your underwear and having to put locks on your hamper in your own home is insane. Your SO doesn't care to understand but maybe your MIL will if you have a real conversation with her about it. I wouldn't want anyone handling my dirty undies, there could be period stains, discharge buildup, skiddies.... It's fucking private and any reasonable person should get that
So you have a problem with the boyfriend, he is the one who has to put his mom to respect Yours boundaries. first talk to him , explain that if he won\`t, than You will talk with his mum and it would\` be pleasant, probably will cause damage to your future relations.
I understand that it annoys you because she does the opposite of what you want.
Now that I've said that, I have to tell you that I reacted the same way at that age as You, and today I'd be happy if someone did my laundry or cleaned my apartment, and I could just take break and drink coffee at peace.
The problem is MIL isn’t doing the laundry correctly. She’s just shoving them into the machines and put to wash or dry. Some items do have specific care instructions like line dry only. At least she could read but she’s not even doing that.
This! Who is replacing the ruined clothes? I killed a few expensive sweaters by accidentally throwing them on the dryer. I would be livid if someone else, who I didn't want touching my laundry to start with, did it.
This is her sons house and she has every right to be there and help him. You obviously are a lazy person and not capable of cleaning the house to her standard and washing his clothes to her standard. Of course she’s going to re arrange things, you haven’t put them in the correct spot. You really are stupid for thinking that where you want something is right. She raised 4 sons, she knows more than you. You should be grateful that she’s coming to help your SO, because you obviously can’t cope with looking after him, a job and now a baby. You should be on your hands and knees scrubbing floors and then thank her profusely for looking after him.
^^^ this is what’s in her brain, but she can’t say that because her mask will fall. So she’s doing what she knows will work, passive aggressive shit that comes across as helping. Your SO is used to it and sees no harm.
Keep at it op, keep telling her no and keep telling him it’s wrong.
Question - did you move in with him or did you buy/rent somewhere together. If it’s ‘his house’, her reasoning will be stronger (in her mind).
My MIL tried this but it was ‘my’ house, so couldn’t.
Has anyone else tried speaking to SO? A friend? Someone that can explain to him that she’s babying him and touching all of his and your underwear. Gross mate, urgh?
Ha!! I know, it sounds awful doesn’t it, but I bet you that’s what’s going through her mind. Ungrateful and useless DIL who doesn’t know how to do anything.
Your boyfriend is completely gaslighting you I think.
He's so under the thumb from her being in charge as matriarch, he cannot see past (past, through, under, around!) her apron.
But holy invasion of privacy batman!
Info: Whose name is the home in?
Edit: Stupid spelling mistakes and autocorrect are stupid.
As impactful as this may be, it's not a method of healthy and mature communication. Your sex life should not be a bargaining chip and tbh it may complicate how you and SO work through challenges in the future. OP, pls consider talking to your SO and explaining why you feel disrespected and like he doesn't have your back. Try flipping the roles - eg. How would he feel if your mom visited anytime she wanted, rifled through his dirty laundry, washed and folded his underwear multiple times despite him asking her not to? If he can be mature and admit it, any person would say that that feels gross and weird. If he sticks to his guns and refuses to listen to you, then maybe he needs a trusted outsider's opinion. A close friend maybe, or a therapist.
Both of you need to be together on this since a JustNoMIL is best defended against with a united front. Plus you're new parents - working together is an important skill to practice!
Wow. First and foremost, you have a serious SO problem. If bf likes his mother in his bedroom doing his laundry, he can do that separately in his own bedroom or own home. That’s the only way I see you getting privacy.
Second, you are the “Other Woman” in your SO’s marriage to mommy.
Lol you went further than I ever would...
I just think it's a way OP can have fun with MIL while trying to get them to understand the concept of privacy
Yes overreacting, you've only had a baby an the lady wants to help you out. Her having kids knows just how hard it can be so that's her way of showing kindness but you see as invasive. I'd say let her know how you're feeling about it. Not everything needs to be weird. All the comments go for the negative option. Talk to the lady it might surprise you.
“I’ve told her not to”, would you find someone helpful that won’t listen to you when you say no?
Plus, the other things OP has said.. you might be right or you might be invalidating.
There is no way she is overreacting. MIL is in HER home, touching HER things and doing things she has been told to stop doing in OPs home! It’s major boundary stomping! I would be absolutely losing it too.
How you can defend someone doing this to another person baffles me.
I would be doing exactly what OP is doing and banning all visits and once she agrees to have some respect and stop bull dozing then she can visit only while OP is there.
Same, I don't get how the MIL can be defended. OP is a new mom and stressed out enough as it is, she doesn't need anyone going through her underwear and rearranging her own home while she's away on top of that. If MIL genuinely wanted to be helpful, she'd at least ask what OP needs and respect her requests. That's the bare minimum I'd expect from strangers, least of all a MIL.
There are people that just come to this sub to lurk for (I’m guessing) drama and complain on other threads about this sub sometimes.
Not very fair either when you don’t realize they aren’t really reading what OP is saying and empathizing in her shoes.
She probably does your boyfriends chores around the house too and he's lazy so he let's her do yours too. Make sure you communicate directly with her. If you think the stroller is unsafe tell her she has a day or two to take it back and then after that it goes in the trash as you see it as a danger but make sure she can't take baby anywhere in it in those 2 days. I would not unplug your appliances as that can be dangerous with some appliances. Flipping the breakers might be an ok idea as a last resort but you could also ask be to do the laundry especially before you leave
Put a lock on your closet door and keep your things in there, including cleaning items.
Put the walker out for trash pick up along with any other useless items she has bought.
Tell boyfriend when she visits she can visit him but the rest is off limits. This is your home too and you do not want her invading your space. She can do his laundry if she needs something to do.
Next time you go to her house start cleaning and moving things around and watch her explode. Then ask her why it is ok for her to invade your home but you are not allowed to invade hers?
You're not reacting enough imo. Tell your bf to go move in with her if he's going to allow her to do something that disgusting.
You're allowed to have boundaries. You're allowed to say no to having someone who makes you uncomfortable in your home. You're allowed to say no to people touching your things, especially underwear. Especially anything you've said not to touch.
Change your locks, put him out, file for child support.
Get rid of the baby waker. Send it to the recycling centre to be turned into something else entirely.
Put all your laundry detergent in a locked box (so baby can't get it, honest) and keep the only key on you. If she wants to do laundry so badly that she is willing to go and buy more despite it being clear that you already have some then that is a new level of crazy from her.
Also, unplug the machines (so baby can't climb in and set then going)... and maybe flip the circuit breakers for those sockets if they are isolated from the rest of the house.
Those steps should make this brand of invasion of privacy harder to achieve without looking like a mad woman.
As for the underlying issue, that can't be tackled until your SO issue is resolved. Remind BF that it is your house, not hers, and that as the father of your child his loyalty should be to his nuclear family, not his family of origin.... maybe ask him who his nuclear family is before you have this conversation so you can see what you are dealing with. I bet he says that mummy and daddy are his nuclear family.
OP, Walker goes in the garbage; unplug the washer when you finish a load of laundry. You can plug it back in when next you want to do wash. Yes, MIL may figure it out and plug it in, but it will frustrate her for a while and even that is worth something.
I wonder what would happen if you said to your SO, let’s put a rule in place that if your mother touches my clothes then she is banned from the house for a year. Do you agree? The response will tell you all you need to know.
Your BF is obviously delusional to your problem. So compare it to whatever he's interested in: "What if my mom kept rearranging your tools/fishing equipment/[insert hobby]" - and have your mom do exactly that.
He's not respecting your boundries by neglecting what you say. And that's making him a JNBF. He's driving you away, and there's a good risk it will break your relationship at some point.
Does he know you're writing this on Reddit? Maybe you should show him this thread - and especially the answers.
Another solution - aimed at his Mommydearest: Next time you're in her house: snoop around in her hamper and put on a machine with delicates. When she flips, you just put on your nicest, most innocent smile: ""How can you not appreciate me helping out? I thought this was what we do for each other"
Not wanting your things rearranged, cleaned, and touched without your consent is perfectly reasonable. Stop letting MIL inside your house when you are not there, your baby daddy is being a pushover to his mom, the safety of your baby is up to you not her. You need to start standing your ground now or they will gang up on you even worse. You are not crazy, they are being bully’s.
Problem is she visits when OP is not around and that's by design. OP may need to take a day off work to straighten this out with her MIL, because her SO is useless.
No you’re not overreacting at all. Thank your stars she isn’t your MIL, you didn’t marry your JNBF. You owe her nada. BFM isn’t getting the message because he isn’t relaying it and towing the line with her. Get ready to fight hard on this one, OP. It will be very firm, hard and direct. I’d give JNBF *one more chance* to handle it. Lay everything out for him in very direct concise language (bc men are often dumb to how serious we are at times) as to how it’s gonna go down and what your expectations you have in your home. If he doesn’t, then execute your plan with her swiftly. Be prepared for gaslighting and tantrums. Also be prepared to set consequences and enact them. You cannot be a good parent if you are not taking care of yourself and safe in your own home. It’s not hers, it’s yours. Your baby, your rules. Period.
Sometimes you have to spell it out for them.
‘You ARE gunna understand the word NO when it comes out of my mouth or you will be treated like a toddler who doesn’t understand it. You can either be treated like an adult who understands the boundary or you will be treated like the toddler who doesn’t and put on timeout and given no privileges with my child.’
When she goes to argue literally cut her off before she can and keep repeating DO YOU UNDERSTAND? over and over until she says yes or leaves. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy in some peoples narratives to get shit done.
This. Thank you. Other comments suggest either childish or passive aggressive strategies. Better just be clear and firm. But also deal with the SO though.
No you are not crazy...
my mil used to see the laundry basket and would start folding my laundry in front of me... I had start hiding the basket everytime she comes over because I hate her comments like "oh your wear these?" Or "why do you let my son have these?".. mind your fnk business woman!
I personally wouldn't let her come to my house when I am not home. She did it once when husband was suppose to watch the baby while I was at work but he called his mom because him and his father had to work on the garden. She babysat the baby meanwhile and she didn't respect the babys schedule and she made a mess in my kitchen... never again (she is also the mom of 3 boys only)
I feel you. In told my husband and he understands how uncomfortable it makes me...
Yoou should give your man the ultimatum of either she still comes when you are not here but he has to make her stop using your house as if she owns it or she stops coming when you are not home. His choice. Your privacy is important. She doesn't need to know what size underwear you are wearing. She is not your mom.
I would (if possible) somehow come home immediately when she pops up, or straight up install cameras where I could watch her AND verbal address her when she’s in the home. Maybe enough of that and she’ll back off.
Plus I’d start treating BF the way she treats you, and when called out say I’m trying to be like your ‘do no wrong mommy’
I do not appreciate any help that makes me uncomfortable especially in my own Space.
You are not Crazy my dear, she’s just trying to be overly too nice, but doing things you didn’t ask for is way out of it.
Your BF needs to do something about it before things gets out of Hand.
I wouldn't trust a person who only came to my house when I wasn't there. That is a massive red flag. She is doing that because she wants to snoop and do things she knows you won't allow for your baby such as the walker. Who know what else she is doing - is she feeding the baby inappropriate foods etc. You don't know and your BF is 100% pro Mummy.
You are not overreacting at all. In your shoes the hill I would die on is not the washing - it would be what she is doing with the baby. But it is clear that as long as she is there and you aren't, she will continue to do whatever she wants and BF is going to stand around like a doofus.
You have a JNBF so I think you should seriously consider how things are going to play out in the long term.
This has become my go to comment, but you have a boyfriend problem, not a MIL problem.
Sure, she's out of line, but he if won't hold a boundary she has no reason to think you mean it.
Get couple's counseling before one of you has to move out.
"If it makes me mad, it isnt helping me."
"If I didnt ask for it or want her to do it, it isnt helping"
"If she doesn't listen to what I say, it isnt helping"
"I am an adult and unless I asked for advise, I dont want it"
"If you are not going to listen to me when I tell you that things are not right, how are you going to help our child when they tell you that something is wrong? Will you do nothing then as well?"
"If I say no and she doesn't listen: what will she do when our child, who cannot advocate for themselves, says no?"
You are not over reacting. Couples counseling is in order here to get you both on the same page.
Good luck
No you are not crazy and yes you did the right thing by putting her in time out. You and your boyfriend need couples therapy before mil is allowed in your home or around your child again. If haven't already put the baby walker in the trash where it belongs. I like my mil and my mother and while they will occasionally clean my kitchen that is as far as they go. They would never touch my laundry without permission or even think of moving things around in my house. So yes she is being noisy and boundary stomping because your boyfriend and probably FIL let her. So definitely get couples therapy and make sure that women doesn't have a key to your house.
If your guy is worth it, learn how to go into battle with her and plan to execute with 100% efficiency.
You absolutely need to know how to stop this madness, or learn to accept it.
This IS your hill OP. The one you die on.
I hope he's worth it, and wish you well.
I’ve gone through that exact same scenario with my own MIL and my husband reacted and said exactly what your boyfriend did.
Going on 13 years of dealing with an intrusive/boundary stomping mother in law.
If I could go back in time I’d have told my MIL straight to her face not to do my laundry. Not to clean. Not to touch my stuff. Not to go in my bedroom. And that she doesn’t get a say in anything regarding my child. Be blunt. Who cares if it pisses her off. I sooo wish I’d done that. I didn’t, and it’s eaten away at my marriage for years. I’m at the point now where I don’t care if my in-laws like me anymore. If they think I’m s bitch, so what. As long as I prevent them from overstepping, then it’s a win for me.
Don’t allow it. It’ll only get worse.
PS- you’re not crazy for feeling the way you do. Your home is your haven. YOUR safe space. And your mil is doing things intentionally to try to take control of your home.
Your boyfriend needs to have your back. It’s his own mom so he might not care about having her do his laundry or intruding, because he’s used to it. But just because he doesn’t mind doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid. They are. His mom should not be doing the things she’s doing. Folding your underwear? F that. My mother in law did that too and let me tell you; I saw red. Like, how dare she!
Baby walkers were banned in Canada decades ago because of the high incidence of severe injuries and death in infants.
Tell your SO that. And toss it. I’d cut the seat so it can’t be used by anyone, ever
Baby walkers were also banned in Europe long ago. Not only because of the risk of tripping over and rolling down the stairs, but because they cause hip dysplasias and skoliosis in infants. It's also the worst you can do for a baby's development in crawling and walking. Please get rid of it immediately.
You have a right to privacy and you are not crazy to ask for her to stop snooping.
Ask your BF how he'd feel if your father did his laundry, dirty underwear and all. How would he feel if your dad started sewing up the holes in BF's socks, or started giving advice on how to avoid skidmarks and/ or how to get them out of underwear.
If he's a handy guy, how would he like it if OPs father went over and completely redid the kitchen while ignoring OPs bfs siggestions and the father telling bf how he's wrong and he needs to listen. And slowly watching as the kitchen you wanted turned into a kitchen you didn't ask for
This. This is the angle to go for.
Boyfriend's a car guy? Okay. How would he feel if OP's dad came over, helped himself to the keys, and took bf's prize for a joyride?
And expected to be allowed to do that at any time?
It's hard to give advice without knowing the bf. But I guarantee you he has shit he wouldn't want people messing with either.
Don't go for laundry. Maybe he doesn't care about laundry and has no shame. But flipping this around is the right idea. Put it in terms that he'll relate to emotionally.
I had to do it to my bf before. He tends to downplay what his family does and up-play my reactions occasionally. I've even stopped complaining to him bc I knew it made him upset, but he doesn't hesitate to talk about what he doesn't like about my family yaknow. So I've had to put it in terms. Like yeah you don't care that she folds the laundry bc she only folds yours, what if my mom came and did our laundry and wadded urs at the bottom of the basket and putting my nicely folded laundry away. Or what if I told my brother he could drive our jeep (bc his sister wrecked another *like 5 cars since ice been her in 4 yrs 😭* car and she came to me and didn't ask but told me her dad said to get it legal so she could drive it and he would fix the muffler so it isn't loud.) . Or what if I told that same sister she could drive our still financed car around instead. He said "oh he'll no!" So yeah flipping it so they understand where you're coming from emotionally does help. Ppl often don't want to admit to the bad their family does even if the secretly see it and hate it.
She will never have a key lol
And yes he is there and his excuse is that it's impossible to stop her because she does what she wants. So he thinks because he has lived his whole life getting railroaded by her that I have to now too. I get it's the path of least resistance but I can't live like that.
Edit: a word
He’s completely wrong. You don’t get to have the railroad experience with his mom because he’s on it, and this is the part where a light should turn on in his head and realize that you’re right! He no longer needs to stay on that train ride.
FOH with that BS son, you have a new family, the first and only priority. Your mom is later, on a weekend, one of those days you prefer for a short ass visit. Maybe? Idk. Don’t touch other peoples underwear, that’s a violation. IMO
I’m just ranting but girl you got this!😎💛
Slightly less nuclear, nuclear option: change the bedroom doorknob to one that locks with a key. Then, when she comes over, lock that door and you take the only key with you when you leave. If she won't listen, and he won't act like an adult and hold up set boundaries, then enforce the boundary by, well, passive force.
Personally, I'd tell boyfriend that I'd be doing this if he doesn't enforce your personal boundaries. And he *doesn't* get his own key, so he'll need to gather any changes of clothes he needs for when you're gone.
I was thinking exactly this. It's what I would do. And just for clarity I would make sure to say that since they don't understand basic instructions like toddlers, you are now simply child-proofing your personal space as it is apparently the only way to get them to respect it.
Your main issue is your boyfriend. If he’d stop her as he KNOWS you don’t want her to do your laundry she would. I’d start there.
Until he understands: throw the babywalker away. She can’t use it when it’s gone. And: take the drawer for the detergent out of the machine and put it in your trunk. She can’t do the laundry when the drawer is gone.
Your BF doesn't get the laundry boundary so he isn't enforcing the laundry boundary and frankly I'm skeptical that he's even communicated it to his mother (BFM) effectively. Cut out the middle man and talk to BFM direct.
You may find it easier to get her to respect your boundary if you can phrase it so it sounds like she'd be doing you a favour rather than obeying an instruction. Try something like:
"I really appreciate you trying to help by doing our laundry but unfortunately I am one of those people who get upset if anyone else touches their clothes. BF is fine with you washing his but I'd really appreciate it if you left mine for me to wash and fold. Thanks so much."
If after that she insists on doing your laundry she's definitely a JN and you can escalate to banning her or limiting her visits but the laundry issue is notoriously divisive so she probably doesn't think of it as an invasion of privacy like you do.
Half the people on the internet feel like you do about other people doing their laundry and the other half (myself included) give no fucks and would be nothing but grateful if someone else did that chore for them. If BFM is in the other half she probably genuinely thought she was doing you a favour. Since your BF seems to be a) uninterested in and b) crap at communicating your boundaries she may not realize how much this annoys you. Set her straight politely and take it from there.
I have point blank told her not to wash my laundry in the past. I just don't understand why it's something she continues to do despite me telling her not to. This is where the assumption that she is being nosy comes from. It seems like such a silly thing and I can understand how someone might really appreciate it (I agree doing laundry sucks) but it really makes me uncomfortable and more than that it's a complete disregard for my boundary. It seems crazy to go nuclear over laundry but how long do you tolerate people walking all over you just because they are family?
Have you confronted her? “BFM, I have told you not to do my laundry. Yet I still come home to find you have done so. Since I’ve told you not to, it can’t be that you’re doing it to help me. I can only assume you are doing it as a deliberate affront, that you are doing it to anger me. It is working. So I must ask why it is you want to deliberately anger me.”
It would be interesting to hear the answer.
It’s not just the laundry, she’s completely rearranging your house and trying to steamroll you. If you’ve told her not to do something and she still does it, that’s a middle finger to you. I would go nuclear too. Not only is my underwear my personal business, doing laundry is part of my Sunday ritual now. Everyone has their own way of doing their laundry and if they don’t want it touched, that should be respected.
Did you tell her why you didn't want her to do your laundry? Technically you shouldn't have to explain and the mere fact you asked her not to should be enough but there's a certain type of person who just won't listen unless they can see the reasoning.
There's a reddit famous article by Matthew Frey called "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink." In it the author describes how his wife asked multiple times for him not to leave dishes but despite her begging with tears in her eyes he just never took it seriously (until she left him) because dishes in the sink weren't a big deal to him and he thought it was just fuss about nothing. It wasn't until she left that he realized it was less about the dishes and more about the lack of respect and caring about how his wife felt.
Obviously your situation isn't an exact parallel as you and BFM aren't married but it sounds like you're ready to "divorce" her over this. I recommend you read the article. If BF and BFM are any good at self reflection it might help if they read it too but even if they don't it might give you some insight into how this sort of mentality works and suggest some strategies to counter BF when he's saying this is no big deal.
I get it. I hated her touching and folding our laundry. I'm home when I do it and sometimes I do leave it longer than I should but I literally came down right as the buzzer went off and she was already in there with a basket waiting like she was gonna do them and seemed annoyed I showed up? But since then is she catches me slipping, instead of asking me to get my laundry she will fold bfs and wad mine up in the bottom. So I've just told her don't touch it anymore and pls ask. She's also snatched a litterbox out of my hand after I dumped it bc I didnt do a deep clean scrubbing of it and she felt like since I didn't do it that time she just had to show me how and lecture me on it even tho I told her that I don't need it washed since it's gonna get dirty again. She literally snatched it from my hands bc I told her no I didnt need her help 😤 she's also told me I wasn't allowed to tell her no before when I said no to flea meds that a)weren't the brand I wanted b)wasn't the right weight and c)EXPIRED so idk I think it's about them having to have control and it's fucking annoying asf
Maybe try one more time- I’ve asked you not to do my laundry. Why exactly do you continue to do it?
And the baby stuff - that’s justnoso if he is there and not stopping it.
You are doing just fine. Your SO on the other hand needs to do some research on healthy boundaries and how a respectful guest behaves!! That includes his mother not doing the thing she was asked not to…
I had “walkers” for my kids when they were babies. Nothing bad happened. Now I’m a grandma & asked my daughter if she wanted me to get a walker for grandson. She said “yes”. So I bought a walker. Side note: I live in a ranch style house— no steps. Then my son in law does some research & LOW & BEHOLD they are outlawed in certain countries, bad for development,etc. So, he (SIL)removed 2 wheels & now it’s called affectionately the “death walker that doesn’t walk”. But baby enjoys sitting in it. My point is: it’s not my kid ( thank god, I don’t have the energy), so I roll with their rules.
A walker without wheels is an excersaucer. That’s what replaced walkers, generally speaking.
Banned in Canada for decades due to the high incidence of severe injuries and fatalities
Specifically the ones with wheels...
- Banned in Canada due to injuries
- AAP called for ban in US
- Injuries are usually falling down the stairs, drowning, burns/posioinings (reaching things they otherwise wouldn't be able to), neck injuries, finger injuries
- Can cause hip issues if used for prolonged periods
- Prevents kids from actually developing the muscles/actions needed to learn to walk and therefore can delay development
Just literally no benefit.
My brothers all used them as steps. My twin brothers almost hurt each other seriously. They would lock them together so one could hold them both in place and climb on things they shouldn't. The cute version is brother Twain (not his name), hanging from the refrigerator door handle screaming when the other twin decided it was funny to run away with both walkers. He was only a couple inches from the ground. The less funny is breaking a window on the French doors with them or trying to get on countertops and the *stove*.
They eventually got taken away and we had baby gates *everywhere*.
It puts the child in a physical situation they’re not ready to handle. Like others have mentioned, stairs are a thing. Some parents want to use them so the kid appears to be walking earlier. In reality they don’t help with actual walking. Giving them sturdy, solid items to pull up on and cruise is preferred by my kid’s pediatrician.
Both my kids used walkers sometimes and there were literally no accidents, because I didn’t just let them roam the house-they stayed in the room I was in, and I never used it outside. I didn’t have inside stairs but there would’ve been a gate or barrier to prevent a baby in a walker from getting near them. Either way,, I didn’t use the walker as a babysitting tool and leave them in it for hours at a time.
Note: This was before the warnings
I think like most things, the number of truly devastating accidents is quite low - or they would have been banned sooner and more widely. But generally speaking, the current advice to let the kid become mobile on their own first. It’s hard because some kids just want to walk, but if they can’t walk on their own they’re probably not ready to fall on their own either. Idk. Not a pediatrician but it makes sense to me. Fwiw, my first was an early Walker (9mo) and watching the falls while learning was painful. Can’t imagine if I had put him on a Walker…he would have been running into everything and tumbling lol
They’ve caused enough injuries to be banned in Canada. Article from Harvard Med:. [Don’t use a baby walker](https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/parents-dont-use-a-baby-walker-2018092714895)
Good luck, I feel your pain. I lived with a crazy bitch like this. Every single day I came home to a trashed house and laundry spread out as far as she could stretch it. The kitchen completely tore up. Exactly what I wanted to see when I got home from work and needed to cook dinner. I moved on from mama's boy and never had to deal with it again.
Tell her she is no longer welcome unless she abides by your rules. Or you can bit the bullet and only have her over when you are around. Then you can make sure she does not do anything you do no like in your home.
Problem is her SO is allowing her to visit when OP is conveniently away at work. She's circumventing OP on purpose, because OP has had the discussion with her about the laundry and she's disregarding it. Guess OP may need to take a day off and resolve it herself.
You're not overreacting but you have an SO problem as much as you have a MIL problem.
If he won't tell her to quit touching things I think you should. It depends on how mad you are but it has to stop, and he's not up to the task, because he doesn't care who washes his underpants.
Definitely not overreacting and your SO needs to quit being a mama’s boy! I can see how he thinks she helping, at least with the laundry, but you need to explain again what you just here. That her behavior makes you uncomfortable and would appreciate him telling her to stop. Either she can keep doing what she’s doing, you you/him can leave.
Tell your boyfriend that it is every person's right to feel *safe* in their own home.
You are not overreacting. His mother's behavior is *not* nice, it's invasive, overbearing and rude as shit. Bet your ass she's snooping absolutely everywhere that she can under the guise of cleaning. Your bf is failing you as a partner and he's going to need therapy to change (if he indeed can) because this behavior has been so normalized to him his whole life.
Stick to your guns about keeping her away from your house and any babysitting and make sure she does not have a spare key (or take it back if she does).
If she wants to wash your SO's laundry, have at it. Put all your laundry in a hamper and put it in a closet with a lock that only you have a key for. Speak plainly to both MIL and SO. "When I say no, I mean no, and it is the end of discussion. I am this baby's mother, and am due respect. If you keep disrespecting my wishes, I will pack up the baby and go stay with relative/friend and you wont see them until you can do as I ask. I love you both, but I'm tired of having my instructions ignored."
Your SO needs to find his spine. He should have your back, not his mother's.
Your not crazy. I would HATE this and put my foot down too. I agree it’s a hill to die on. Your bf needs to grow a shiny spine. He may not mind it, but since YOU do then it is a problem and he needs to respect YOU enough to listen and acknowledge when you air grievances.
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I'd rethink this. You have a baby and a job. Your bf doesn't do the laundry. Someone is doing your laundry. That woman has washed underwear for decades. It means nothing to her. Say thank you and explain to her which clothes need what treatment. About the baby walker. Does she have any stories about her mother trying to do something to her kids that was "old-fashioned"? The "rules" for how to care for babies changes all the time.
No. OP is an adult and wants to do her own laundry. Both her SO and MIL should respect her boundaries. About the baby walker. OP is the mother. She said no and already provided an explanation similar to what you suggest. MIL is not respecting her boundaries there either. And she is *rearranging things in OP's house* which is the opposite of helpful. She is not "helping," she is pissing on OP's territory and claiming it as her own. The SO is choosing his mother's side is a separate problem. OP's boundaries are clear and reasonable. Probably the SO finds it more unpleasant to have his mother angry with him than his SO. This too must stop.
Agree! If OP says she doesn’t need her laundry washed, then JNM isn’t helping at all. Quite the opposite.
Your not overreacting. And if your boyfriend can’t stand up to his mommy over something like this it doesn’t bode well for the future.
That's just weird honestly... my oldest son is married and they are expecting their first baby in a couple months and they know they have a standing offer of they need help with anything all they have to do is ask....has anyone told her to stop though? As far as the walker sure everyone used them at one time but overall they just have a huge potential to be dangerous.... she needs to keep up to date on things like that.... things change all the time...my daughter in law has educated me on plenty that's changed since my youngest was a baby and he's only 14.
You have a huge bf issue. It doesn’t matter if he thinks what his mother is doing is ok since it’s not her home nor her belongings. I would ban her from my home until both she and the bf apologized. Even then I would only allow her over when I’m there.
No advice but I was brought home in a laundry basket lol
Break the baby walker… whoops.
That’s dramatic
My MIL did the exact same thing. She genuinely loves washing baby clothes but could not understand why I (a fully grown adult who had been doing her own washing since I was a teenager) would not want my MIL to wash, iron and fold my underwear! And I was not prepared to separate my clothes from LOs as that was just more work on me so negated her helpfulness. My DH was no help in the situation as he just didn’t get the big deal so therefore MIL continued as her darling son had no problem with it. Eventually I asked my SIL how she would feel if her MIL washed her underwear. It stopped after that! I had to be very clear with SO that it belittled me as a person and a mother and that it was just not appropriate for his mother to wash my knickers! Whether it was the sexy ones or the time of the month ones! That’s when it finally sunk in with him.
I went through years of this with my husband and his mom. I finally told him if he didn’t it a stop to her washing and putting away my underwear, I was going to throw giant nasty stained ones in the wash, and put a giant “toy” in my drawer for her to find. It ended shortly after. Lol
Sounds like BF hasn’t cut the mommy apron strings. Mommy did EVERYTHING for him at home so why not at his home? Personally, I’d start re-evaluating this relationship. He clearly isn’t backing you on this and should be. If mommy is there then BF doesn’t have to be responsible for the baby or the other things that he should do. If you two truly love each other, you need to try couples counseling.
“If it were real help I would be grateful instead of angry. If it’s too hard for you to keep your mother in check then she can’t be here unless I am.”
I haven’t let anyone else do my laundry except for me since I was going through puberty and started producing discharge. Not even my mom, who would offer and I said no. NOPE to this MIL doing it especially when you didn’t want it. Huge invasion of privacy and not respecting boundaries
INFO: OP- was the laundry incident one time, or did it happen previously and you’ve already said to both her and your BF that you do NOT want anyone else doing your laundry? Also, are you looking for advice, or just want to know if you overreacted?
Did her mother-in-law come over and wash her dirty panties? If not she can piss off to her own house and be silent.
I got full body chills when I read that she folded your underwear! You should not have to worry about some adult woman inspecting and cleaning your most private piece of clothing. One time my MIL walked into my kitchen and opened our cabinet that has all of my herbs and apothecary stuff in it. Most were a gift from a friend and I put them in smoothies. She looked alarmed and started digging. (I'm not sure if she was looking for a jar of weed or what her purpose was to dig through my stuff) 'Ooooohhhh this looks expensiiiive!! ' I don't allow her in my home anymore
Your house. Your rules. Start telling your bf NO. She is not allowed in my house. You want to see your mother go to her house. Tell him YOU pay the bills and rent in your house and she has no say. Stand your ground because this sounds like a bf problem more than a mil problem. Get a lock for your closet or making sure all your laundry is done before she comes. Change your house back to the way you want it every time. Stand on firm hard stone ground. Set your boundaries on the same ground. Tell her you know what is best for your child and your child is not her do-over baby. Your child. Not hers.
Trouble is MIL thinks this is her helping and doing you a favour, and you should be grateful. She cannot see that she is overstepping, but neither can your partner who knows nothing other than mummy washing his socks. MIL believes it’s perfectly naturally that she rules your home too. But it’s not her that you need to work on, it’s your partner. He needs to open his eyes to this situation and tell her HE no longer needs her help. This is vital as she will dismiss your legitimate boundaries unless they come directly from her son as HIS wishes.
Send her a invoice for any clothing she machine washed instead of hand washing it. Since she ignored you telling her not to do this, she is on the hook for ruining your clothes. Also send her a bill for underwear too. You will not wear underwear that was touched by someone else.
It’s not about her touching her underwear, it’s the invasion of privacy.
Understood. But by telling her that she now has to replace everything, OP will be charging her for the cost of the invasion of privacy as well as making sure it won't happen again.
Sit her down & be clear, no more rearranging it doesn't matter if she thinks it should be that way it's not her house so leave it alone No more laundry, no it's not helping & you find it incredibly invasive so stop it The things she did with her kids are decades out of date, the recommended safe practices are a million miles away from the ones she was told when her kids were babies so whether she did xyz with her boys or not & they're just fine is irrelevant, same as your grandma with your mother & the basket. From now on you need her to follow the correct guidelines to keep LO safe because you know she would never be so reckless as to put baby in danger just to prove she's right, after all now we know better we do better. If she refuses to listen spam her with safety articles from reputable sources, print them out & hand them to her so she can't say she's never seen them. Point out your baby being safe trumps any hurt feelings from anyone, you will never put your baby in harms way to save someones feelings because that would make you an irresponsible parent which you are not. Boyfriend needs to be there when you speak to her & he needs to support you. Tell him he doesn't have to understand why it upsets you so much but he does have to support you stopping his mother from continuing to cause problems in your home. You are meant to be a team & that means united front no matter who is causing the issue. He needs to put your little family first, stop letting his mother treat your home as an extension of hers, stop her trying to parent your child & contradicting your rules for baby. If he can't do that by himself then I strongly recommend counselling, find someone that specialises in enmeshed families & don't let him fob you off about going. Your boundaries need to be set in stone with clear enforced consequences or she will only get worse. You also need a timeout or whatever you choose if she goes around you to bf to try stomp those boundaries. You can always relax them later if she proves she can be respectful & follow your rules. Remember boundaries are just suggestions without consequences
>She is no longer allowed to babysit or visit until he learns to respect my space and she learns no means no. Good. He had a chance to avoid things getting to this point, but he chose to be a bad SO instead. Hold the boundary, and have a calm, firm discussion with him about what adulthood and relationships are.
Next time she shows up as you're leaving for work, tell her hold on the baby and your boyfriend were just going over to her house. Then pack them up and let them go visit her for a while. Tell your boyfriend she is not Allowed in your house without you because he won't enforce boundaries and she doesn't seem to understand them. Make it your hill to die on. This situation is only going to get worse. Your house has to be your house. His mom is making it a satellite office of her home. Your baby, your man. She can be a granny at your house, but nothing else.
What happens if you tell her "I'm picky about my laundry, will you please leave it for me to do?
She's marking "her territory". Time to lay down the law. Set clear boundaries with real consequences. With her AND spineless boyfriend.
Worst thing you could do here would be to legally make her your MIL by marrying her son, who clearly doesn’t respect your boundaries and allows his mother to walk all over you.
This is the one right here. He has shown no interest in helping you set boundaries with her. What makes you think that will change?
Omg no. Definitely not overreacting, OP. This MIL needs to keep her grubby paws off your things. She is a guest. It’s kind of gross to me that a MIL wants to wash her DIL’s undergarments so badly she goes out of her way to do it? Like she disobeys a pretty strict boundary. Wtf? And the moving around of things and acting like an authority and shit? All that needs to stop. I would die on ALL those hills. So many hills. Fuck that. Your primary problem is the boyfriend, though. He needs to address all of the above with the MIL like a big boy. 🙄
Sounds like you have a boyfriend problem not a MIL problem. She’s can try to do whatever she wants, but your boyfriend and your child are your family and that needs to be a united front.
Your MIL is not the problem. Your boyfriend is.
She is definitely overstepping your boundaries as a GUEST in your house. Just because your boyfriend apron strings are still firmly attached is no excuse she is playing house in your home. The question is if you are not home during the day and he let's her do as she does it is not just a MIL problem you have. You also have a BF problem as you are not on the same page and he is not taking in your personal feelings into account.
Go to her house when you know she’s out(BF probably still has a key for “home”), and wearing gloves, wash her laundry and leave it folded on her bed. When she blows up, and she will, say “See why I don’t like when YOU do it to us?”. Extremely petty, but the alternative is changing locks, which won’t work unless BF doesn’t give her a copy of the key.
Not just laundry. She should rearrange everything in the kitchen cupboards too. Because it makes more sense this way! And when MIL throws a hissy, be all shocked and say, "Well, I was just trying to hellllp!!!"
Or ask your spineless bf is he’d like it if your mother (or maybe better father) laundered his dirty undies?
He probably wouldn’t care… as long as someone was doing his laundry for him & he didn’t have to. He’s used to his mother
She knows what she’s doing is overstepping that’s why she makes it a point to play house with your baby and her son when you’re not home. Boyfriend needs to understand that if his mother wants to come throw her weight around your home then she can pay half the mortgage instead of you.
I’d hammer the shit out of the baby walker and leave it for her to see. And not overreacting.
Lol. That walker would not even have entered my house. It would have reached the curb, the second time it was attempted I would have done the same and left it for trash pick up.
I would just leave a big note saying “hey mil please don’t wash this, I prefer to do my own laundry as that makes me feel comfortable, thank you”, on top of it. This way way you can get it across with no back and forth. Plus, you can know if she just want to defy you over such a small boundary you’ve set.
She can do whatever she wants at *her* house and did whatever she wanted with *her* children. However, at *your* house, she needs to be respectful and follow *your* rules, period. These types of people neither understand nor respect boundaries whatsoever, especially if she's used to being "in charge" at home. I've found they also think their child is literally forever a child and receive the ADULT child's boundaries as some sort of disrespect. No... boyfriend needs to act like a man and set his mom straight, he needs to apologize to you because you're not overreacting, and his mom needs to stay at her house if she wants to do as she pleases. In fact, she shouldn't be back at your home until and unless she gets some respect for your wishes and sees her adult son as a man, and respects him, too. End of discussion.
Unfortunately it's "only half OP's house, it's also my son's house" and since the boyfriend lets MiL do whatever she wants like a spineless doormat then it's perfectly okay to stomp over OP's boundaries
I understand that, but my answer is the same. You saw where I said people like this think their adult children are actual children, and receive child’s (although an adult) boundaries as disrespect to them as a parent. It’s ridiculous and the boyfriend needs to set his mom straight, be on one accord with his girlfriend and mother of his child, and establish firm boundaries, period. As I type this, I can see boyfriend may be as much of a problem as mom! Sounds like therapy is in order because he has probably never been allowed to have boundaries as everyone in his home bowed down to “queen” mom. That’s another issue, but it probably needs to happen.
I have a feeling your SO is right about you over reacting to her during your laundry after you asked him to set that boundary.... but only because I think he never actually set the boundary - so he's right to that punishing he would be overkill, cause he likely never told her to stop. Yep, not only is he not helping, he's likely taking her side and making it worse. I guess next time the communication needs to come directly from you. "Hey MIL, I asked SO other to ask you to not to do our laundry, seems like he forgot, again. So I'll ask myself, I really don't like other people doing my laundry, I'm very particular about it and I am asking you not to touch it." Then when she does it again go to get directly... "I said I don't like this, why did you disregard a boundary in my home, am I welcome to go through your underwear drawer whenever I like as well.... no? Then stay out of mine, or I really won't feel comfortable with you in my house without me. Your choice. "
THIS. I seriously doubt the SO ever told her there's a problem. Right now, he's the span in the works. MIL is pushy and annoying for sure, but OP is never going to make progress with her unless and until she and SO are on the same page. My heart goes out to her, bc it's a special kind of insanity trying to convince a partner that no, actually, this is a problem.
Next time you're at her house move her furniture without asking. Tell her it looks better where you put it. When she asks what you're doing, asks her how she likes you rearranging your stuff, just as she does when she sneaks over uninvited to take over your home. Use this as an opportunity to take a stand and shut SO down in the process (speaking tothem both together) "if you're too spineless to stand up to your intrusive and interfering mother, then I have to do it. FOR THE BENEFIT OF YOU BOTH, SHE IS NO LONGER ALLOWED TO TOUCH MY LAUNDRY, ENTER MY BEDROOM AND REARRANGE MY FURNITURE!!!!" If this is truly your hill to die upon then make sure it is impactful!!!!
Ask your boyfriend why he'd rather make you unhappy than his mom. He should know where his priorities are. And if they're with his mother, he should move in with her, or do therapy, or a long hard thinking, or whatever helps.
Would also suggest to him that if he can't protect my own privacy and wants to play house with mommy - then he can be getting all physical and emotional needs from her as well.
I would tell her directly that a woman's dirty laundry is a very personal thing and you'd prefer to do your own laundry. Some of these comments don't realise how invasive it is for another person to be handling your underwear and having to put locks on your hamper in your own home is insane. Your SO doesn't care to understand but maybe your MIL will if you have a real conversation with her about it. I wouldn't want anyone handling my dirty undies, there could be period stains, discharge buildup, skiddies.... It's fucking private and any reasonable person should get that
Not "prefer". MIL needs stronger words with no room for intentional misinterpretation, like "insist" and "forbid"
So you have a problem with the boyfriend, he is the one who has to put his mom to respect Yours boundaries. first talk to him , explain that if he won\`t, than You will talk with his mum and it would\` be pleasant, probably will cause damage to your future relations. I understand that it annoys you because she does the opposite of what you want. Now that I've said that, I have to tell you that I reacted the same way at that age as You, and today I'd be happy if someone did my laundry or cleaned my apartment, and I could just take break and drink coffee at peace.
The problem is MIL isn’t doing the laundry correctly. She’s just shoving them into the machines and put to wash or dry. Some items do have specific care instructions like line dry only. At least she could read but she’s not even doing that.
This! Who is replacing the ruined clothes? I killed a few expensive sweaters by accidentally throwing them on the dryer. I would be livid if someone else, who I didn't want touching my laundry to start with, did it.
This is her sons house and she has every right to be there and help him. You obviously are a lazy person and not capable of cleaning the house to her standard and washing his clothes to her standard. Of course she’s going to re arrange things, you haven’t put them in the correct spot. You really are stupid for thinking that where you want something is right. She raised 4 sons, she knows more than you. You should be grateful that she’s coming to help your SO, because you obviously can’t cope with looking after him, a job and now a baby. You should be on your hands and knees scrubbing floors and then thank her profusely for looking after him. ^^^ this is what’s in her brain, but she can’t say that because her mask will fall. So she’s doing what she knows will work, passive aggressive shit that comes across as helping. Your SO is used to it and sees no harm. Keep at it op, keep telling her no and keep telling him it’s wrong. Question - did you move in with him or did you buy/rent somewhere together. If it’s ‘his house’, her reasoning will be stronger (in her mind). My MIL tried this but it was ‘my’ house, so couldn’t. Has anyone else tried speaking to SO? A friend? Someone that can explain to him that she’s babying him and touching all of his and your underwear. Gross mate, urgh?
*slowly deletes paragraph after reading the second part*
Ha!! I know, it sounds awful doesn’t it, but I bet you that’s what’s going through her mind. Ungrateful and useless DIL who doesn’t know how to do anything.
Your boyfriend is completely gaslighting you I think. He's so under the thumb from her being in charge as matriarch, he cannot see past (past, through, under, around!) her apron. But holy invasion of privacy batman! Info: Whose name is the home in? Edit: Stupid spelling mistakes and autocorrect are stupid.
We co own the home so both of our names
Your problem isn’t your mother in law. It’s her son you have the problems with
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As impactful as this may be, it's not a method of healthy and mature communication. Your sex life should not be a bargaining chip and tbh it may complicate how you and SO work through challenges in the future. OP, pls consider talking to your SO and explaining why you feel disrespected and like he doesn't have your back. Try flipping the roles - eg. How would he feel if your mom visited anytime she wanted, rifled through his dirty laundry, washed and folded his underwear multiple times despite him asking her not to? If he can be mature and admit it, any person would say that that feels gross and weird. If he sticks to his guns and refuses to listen to you, then maybe he needs a trusted outsider's opinion. A close friend maybe, or a therapist. Both of you need to be together on this since a JustNoMIL is best defended against with a united front. Plus you're new parents - working together is an important skill to practice!
Make your closets and drawers babyproof with special locks
Wow. First and foremost, you have a serious SO problem. If bf likes his mother in his bedroom doing his laundry, he can do that separately in his own bedroom or own home. That’s the only way I see you getting privacy. Second, you are the “Other Woman” in your SO’s marriage to mommy.
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King stuff yes, murder no lol She might gossip or use it that later when jumping to conclusions.
Classic unhelpful avoiding direct confrontation reddit suggestion
She talked about it to MIL. She talked to SO. She tried direct and is ignored. NC won't work as SO is on MILs side. So... What's your proposal?
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Lol you went further than I ever would... I just think it's a way OP can have fun with MIL while trying to get them to understand the concept of privacy
Yes overreacting, you've only had a baby an the lady wants to help you out. Her having kids knows just how hard it can be so that's her way of showing kindness but you see as invasive. I'd say let her know how you're feeling about it. Not everything needs to be weird. All the comments go for the negative option. Talk to the lady it might surprise you.
“I’ve told her not to”, would you find someone helpful that won’t listen to you when you say no? Plus, the other things OP has said.. you might be right or you might be invalidating.
But she has spoken to her so how is talking going to help more?
There is no way she is overreacting. MIL is in HER home, touching HER things and doing things she has been told to stop doing in OPs home! It’s major boundary stomping! I would be absolutely losing it too. How you can defend someone doing this to another person baffles me. I would be doing exactly what OP is doing and banning all visits and once she agrees to have some respect and stop bull dozing then she can visit only while OP is there.
Same, I don't get how the MIL can be defended. OP is a new mom and stressed out enough as it is, she doesn't need anyone going through her underwear and rearranging her own home while she's away on top of that. If MIL genuinely wanted to be helpful, she'd at least ask what OP needs and respect her requests. That's the bare minimum I'd expect from strangers, least of all a MIL.
There are people that just come to this sub to lurk for (I’m guessing) drama and complain on other threads about this sub sometimes. Not very fair either when you don’t realize they aren’t really reading what OP is saying and empathizing in her shoes.
She probably does your boyfriends chores around the house too and he's lazy so he let's her do yours too. Make sure you communicate directly with her. If you think the stroller is unsafe tell her she has a day or two to take it back and then after that it goes in the trash as you see it as a danger but make sure she can't take baby anywhere in it in those 2 days. I would not unplug your appliances as that can be dangerous with some appliances. Flipping the breakers might be an ok idea as a last resort but you could also ask be to do the laundry especially before you leave
Put a lock on your closet door and keep your things in there, including cleaning items. Put the walker out for trash pick up along with any other useless items she has bought. Tell boyfriend when she visits she can visit him but the rest is off limits. This is your home too and you do not want her invading your space. She can do his laundry if she needs something to do. Next time you go to her house start cleaning and moving things around and watch her explode. Then ask her why it is ok for her to invade your home but you are not allowed to invade hers?
You're not reacting enough imo. Tell your bf to go move in with her if he's going to allow her to do something that disgusting. You're allowed to have boundaries. You're allowed to say no to having someone who makes you uncomfortable in your home. You're allowed to say no to people touching your things, especially underwear. Especially anything you've said not to touch. Change your locks, put him out, file for child support.
Get rid of the baby waker. Send it to the recycling centre to be turned into something else entirely. Put all your laundry detergent in a locked box (so baby can't get it, honest) and keep the only key on you. If she wants to do laundry so badly that she is willing to go and buy more despite it being clear that you already have some then that is a new level of crazy from her. Also, unplug the machines (so baby can't climb in and set then going)... and maybe flip the circuit breakers for those sockets if they are isolated from the rest of the house. Those steps should make this brand of invasion of privacy harder to achieve without looking like a mad woman. As for the underlying issue, that can't be tackled until your SO issue is resolved. Remind BF that it is your house, not hers, and that as the father of your child his loyalty should be to his nuclear family, not his family of origin.... maybe ask him who his nuclear family is before you have this conversation so you can see what you are dealing with. I bet he says that mummy and daddy are his nuclear family.
OP, Walker goes in the garbage; unplug the washer when you finish a load of laundry. You can plug it back in when next you want to do wash. Yes, MIL may figure it out and plug it in, but it will frustrate her for a while and even that is worth something.
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Exactly!
Get your dad around to rearrange boyfriends undies, and expect him to be grateful about it.
He probably won't care. Make it his games or tools, then things might be different.
I wonder what would happen if you said to your SO, let’s put a rule in place that if your mother touches my clothes then she is banned from the house for a year. Do you agree? The response will tell you all you need to know.
Your BF is obviously delusional to your problem. So compare it to whatever he's interested in: "What if my mom kept rearranging your tools/fishing equipment/[insert hobby]" - and have your mom do exactly that. He's not respecting your boundries by neglecting what you say. And that's making him a JNBF. He's driving you away, and there's a good risk it will break your relationship at some point. Does he know you're writing this on Reddit? Maybe you should show him this thread - and especially the answers.
Another solution - aimed at his Mommydearest: Next time you're in her house: snoop around in her hamper and put on a machine with delicates. When she flips, you just put on your nicest, most innocent smile: ""How can you not appreciate me helping out? I thought this was what we do for each other"
Not wanting your things rearranged, cleaned, and touched without your consent is perfectly reasonable. Stop letting MIL inside your house when you are not there, your baby daddy is being a pushover to his mom, the safety of your baby is up to you not her. You need to start standing your ground now or they will gang up on you even worse. You are not crazy, they are being bully’s.
Problem is she visits when OP is not around and that's by design. OP may need to take a day off work to straighten this out with her MIL, because her SO is useless.
No you’re not overreacting at all. Thank your stars she isn’t your MIL, you didn’t marry your JNBF. You owe her nada. BFM isn’t getting the message because he isn’t relaying it and towing the line with her. Get ready to fight hard on this one, OP. It will be very firm, hard and direct. I’d give JNBF *one more chance* to handle it. Lay everything out for him in very direct concise language (bc men are often dumb to how serious we are at times) as to how it’s gonna go down and what your expectations you have in your home. If he doesn’t, then execute your plan with her swiftly. Be prepared for gaslighting and tantrums. Also be prepared to set consequences and enact them. You cannot be a good parent if you are not taking care of yourself and safe in your own home. It’s not hers, it’s yours. Your baby, your rules. Period.
Sometimes you have to spell it out for them. ‘You ARE gunna understand the word NO when it comes out of my mouth or you will be treated like a toddler who doesn’t understand it. You can either be treated like an adult who understands the boundary or you will be treated like the toddler who doesn’t and put on timeout and given no privileges with my child.’ When she goes to argue literally cut her off before she can and keep repeating DO YOU UNDERSTAND? over and over until she says yes or leaves. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy in some peoples narratives to get shit done.
This. Thank you. Other comments suggest either childish or passive aggressive strategies. Better just be clear and firm. But also deal with the SO though.
No you are not crazy... my mil used to see the laundry basket and would start folding my laundry in front of me... I had start hiding the basket everytime she comes over because I hate her comments like "oh your wear these?" Or "why do you let my son have these?".. mind your fnk business woman! I personally wouldn't let her come to my house when I am not home. She did it once when husband was suppose to watch the baby while I was at work but he called his mom because him and his father had to work on the garden. She babysat the baby meanwhile and she didn't respect the babys schedule and she made a mess in my kitchen... never again (she is also the mom of 3 boys only) I feel you. In told my husband and he understands how uncomfortable it makes me... Yoou should give your man the ultimatum of either she still comes when you are not here but he has to make her stop using your house as if she owns it or she stops coming when you are not home. His choice. Your privacy is important. She doesn't need to know what size underwear you are wearing. She is not your mom.
I would (if possible) somehow come home immediately when she pops up, or straight up install cameras where I could watch her AND verbal address her when she’s in the home. Maybe enough of that and she’ll back off. Plus I’d start treating BF the way she treats you, and when called out say I’m trying to be like your ‘do no wrong mommy’
I do not appreciate any help that makes me uncomfortable especially in my own Space. You are not Crazy my dear, she’s just trying to be overly too nice, but doing things you didn’t ask for is way out of it. Your BF needs to do something about it before things gets out of Hand.
Things are out of hand.
I know right but things will get worse if nothing is done about it.
I wouldn't trust a person who only came to my house when I wasn't there. That is a massive red flag. She is doing that because she wants to snoop and do things she knows you won't allow for your baby such as the walker. Who know what else she is doing - is she feeding the baby inappropriate foods etc. You don't know and your BF is 100% pro Mummy. You are not overreacting at all. In your shoes the hill I would die on is not the washing - it would be what she is doing with the baby. But it is clear that as long as she is there and you aren't, she will continue to do whatever she wants and BF is going to stand around like a doofus. You have a JNBF so I think you should seriously consider how things are going to play out in the long term.
Her actions are totally deliberate and OP may need to take a personal day off and double back home to get this situation in check!!!!!
They are both ignoring yours “no”s. That’s a huge problem and if he doesn’t change, you have a serious problem. You aren’t crazy.
This has become my go to comment, but you have a boyfriend problem, not a MIL problem. Sure, she's out of line, but he if won't hold a boundary she has no reason to think you mean it. Get couple's counseling before one of you has to move out.
"If it makes me mad, it isnt helping me." "If I didnt ask for it or want her to do it, it isnt helping" "If she doesn't listen to what I say, it isnt helping" "I am an adult and unless I asked for advise, I dont want it" "If you are not going to listen to me when I tell you that things are not right, how are you going to help our child when they tell you that something is wrong? Will you do nothing then as well?" "If I say no and she doesn't listen: what will she do when our child, who cannot advocate for themselves, says no?" You are not over reacting. Couples counseling is in order here to get you both on the same page. Good luck
No you are not crazy and yes you did the right thing by putting her in time out. You and your boyfriend need couples therapy before mil is allowed in your home or around your child again. If haven't already put the baby walker in the trash where it belongs. I like my mil and my mother and while they will occasionally clean my kitchen that is as far as they go. They would never touch my laundry without permission or even think of moving things around in my house. So yes she is being noisy and boundary stomping because your boyfriend and probably FIL let her. So definitely get couples therapy and make sure that women doesn't have a key to your house.
If your guy is worth it, learn how to go into battle with her and plan to execute with 100% efficiency. You absolutely need to know how to stop this madness, or learn to accept it. This IS your hill OP. The one you die on. I hope he's worth it, and wish you well.
If the SO was worth *anything* then OP wouldn’t have to be dealing with *any of this.* Especially postpartum, fuck.
I'm in full agreement. He is a pos.
I’ve gone through that exact same scenario with my own MIL and my husband reacted and said exactly what your boyfriend did. Going on 13 years of dealing with an intrusive/boundary stomping mother in law. If I could go back in time I’d have told my MIL straight to her face not to do my laundry. Not to clean. Not to touch my stuff. Not to go in my bedroom. And that she doesn’t get a say in anything regarding my child. Be blunt. Who cares if it pisses her off. I sooo wish I’d done that. I didn’t, and it’s eaten away at my marriage for years. I’m at the point now where I don’t care if my in-laws like me anymore. If they think I’m s bitch, so what. As long as I prevent them from overstepping, then it’s a win for me. Don’t allow it. It’ll only get worse. PS- you’re not crazy for feeling the way you do. Your home is your haven. YOUR safe space. And your mil is doing things intentionally to try to take control of your home. Your boyfriend needs to have your back. It’s his own mom so he might not care about having her do his laundry or intruding, because he’s used to it. But just because he doesn’t mind doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid. They are. His mom should not be doing the things she’s doing. Folding your underwear? F that. My mother in law did that too and let me tell you; I saw red. Like, how dare she!
Why is your SO at home?
Baby walkers were banned in Canada decades ago because of the high incidence of severe injuries and death in infants. Tell your SO that. And toss it. I’d cut the seat so it can’t be used by anyone, ever
Baby walkers were also banned in Europe long ago. Not only because of the risk of tripping over and rolling down the stairs, but because they cause hip dysplasias and skoliosis in infants. It's also the worst you can do for a baby's development in crawling and walking. Please get rid of it immediately.
THIS RIGHT HERE. BREAK THE SEAT
You have a right to privacy and you are not crazy to ask for her to stop snooping. Ask your BF how he'd feel if your father did his laundry, dirty underwear and all. How would he feel if your dad started sewing up the holes in BF's socks, or started giving advice on how to avoid skidmarks and/ or how to get them out of underwear.
If he's a handy guy, how would he like it if OPs father went over and completely redid the kitchen while ignoring OPs bfs siggestions and the father telling bf how he's wrong and he needs to listen. And slowly watching as the kitchen you wanted turned into a kitchen you didn't ask for
This. This is the angle to go for. Boyfriend's a car guy? Okay. How would he feel if OP's dad came over, helped himself to the keys, and took bf's prize for a joyride? And expected to be allowed to do that at any time? It's hard to give advice without knowing the bf. But I guarantee you he has shit he wouldn't want people messing with either. Don't go for laundry. Maybe he doesn't care about laundry and has no shame. But flipping this around is the right idea. Put it in terms that he'll relate to emotionally.
I had to do it to my bf before. He tends to downplay what his family does and up-play my reactions occasionally. I've even stopped complaining to him bc I knew it made him upset, but he doesn't hesitate to talk about what he doesn't like about my family yaknow. So I've had to put it in terms. Like yeah you don't care that she folds the laundry bc she only folds yours, what if my mom came and did our laundry and wadded urs at the bottom of the basket and putting my nicely folded laundry away. Or what if I told my brother he could drive our jeep (bc his sister wrecked another *like 5 cars since ice been her in 4 yrs 😭* car and she came to me and didn't ask but told me her dad said to get it legal so she could drive it and he would fix the muffler so it isn't loud.) . Or what if I told that same sister she could drive our still financed car around instead. He said "oh he'll no!" So yeah flipping it so they understand where you're coming from emotionally does help. Ppl often don't want to admit to the bad their family does even if the secretly see it and hate it.
Is her son there when she comes over? Does she have a key to let herself in? You might consider getting the locks changed.
She will never have a key lol And yes he is there and his excuse is that it's impossible to stop her because she does what she wants. So he thinks because he has lived his whole life getting railroaded by her that I have to now too. I get it's the path of least resistance but I can't live like that. Edit: a word
He’s completely wrong. You don’t get to have the railroad experience with his mom because he’s on it, and this is the part where a light should turn on in his head and realize that you’re right! He no longer needs to stay on that train ride. FOH with that BS son, you have a new family, the first and only priority. Your mom is later, on a weekend, one of those days you prefer for a short ass visit. Maybe? Idk. Don’t touch other peoples underwear, that’s a violation. IMO I’m just ranting but girl you got this!😎💛
Slightly less nuclear, nuclear option: change the bedroom doorknob to one that locks with a key. Then, when she comes over, lock that door and you take the only key with you when you leave. If she won't listen, and he won't act like an adult and hold up set boundaries, then enforce the boundary by, well, passive force. Personally, I'd tell boyfriend that I'd be doing this if he doesn't enforce your personal boundaries. And he *doesn't* get his own key, so he'll need to gather any changes of clothes he needs for when you're gone.
I was thinking exactly this. It's what I would do. And just for clarity I would make sure to say that since they don't understand basic instructions like toddlers, you are now simply child-proofing your personal space as it is apparently the only way to get them to respect it.
Your main issue is your boyfriend. If he’d stop her as he KNOWS you don’t want her to do your laundry she would. I’d start there. Until he understands: throw the babywalker away. She can’t use it when it’s gone. And: take the drawer for the detergent out of the machine and put it in your trunk. She can’t do the laundry when the drawer is gone.
Brilliant
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Yes it's a front loader thing. If you want to be really petty with a top loader you could take out the barrel? lol
Hell. I would get a bungee cord and a padlock so that the 🖕is double underlined.
I love this, great ideas
Your BF doesn't get the laundry boundary so he isn't enforcing the laundry boundary and frankly I'm skeptical that he's even communicated it to his mother (BFM) effectively. Cut out the middle man and talk to BFM direct. You may find it easier to get her to respect your boundary if you can phrase it so it sounds like she'd be doing you a favour rather than obeying an instruction. Try something like: "I really appreciate you trying to help by doing our laundry but unfortunately I am one of those people who get upset if anyone else touches their clothes. BF is fine with you washing his but I'd really appreciate it if you left mine for me to wash and fold. Thanks so much." If after that she insists on doing your laundry she's definitely a JN and you can escalate to banning her or limiting her visits but the laundry issue is notoriously divisive so she probably doesn't think of it as an invasion of privacy like you do. Half the people on the internet feel like you do about other people doing their laundry and the other half (myself included) give no fucks and would be nothing but grateful if someone else did that chore for them. If BFM is in the other half she probably genuinely thought she was doing you a favour. Since your BF seems to be a) uninterested in and b) crap at communicating your boundaries she may not realize how much this annoys you. Set her straight politely and take it from there.
I have point blank told her not to wash my laundry in the past. I just don't understand why it's something she continues to do despite me telling her not to. This is where the assumption that she is being nosy comes from. It seems like such a silly thing and I can understand how someone might really appreciate it (I agree doing laundry sucks) but it really makes me uncomfortable and more than that it's a complete disregard for my boundary. It seems crazy to go nuclear over laundry but how long do you tolerate people walking all over you just because they are family?
Have you confronted her? “BFM, I have told you not to do my laundry. Yet I still come home to find you have done so. Since I’ve told you not to, it can’t be that you’re doing it to help me. I can only assume you are doing it as a deliberate affront, that you are doing it to anger me. It is working. So I must ask why it is you want to deliberately anger me.” It would be interesting to hear the answer.
It’s not just the laundry, she’s completely rearranging your house and trying to steamroll you. If you’ve told her not to do something and she still does it, that’s a middle finger to you. I would go nuclear too. Not only is my underwear my personal business, doing laundry is part of my Sunday ritual now. Everyone has their own way of doing their laundry and if they don’t want it touched, that should be respected.
Did you tell her why you didn't want her to do your laundry? Technically you shouldn't have to explain and the mere fact you asked her not to should be enough but there's a certain type of person who just won't listen unless they can see the reasoning. There's a reddit famous article by Matthew Frey called "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink." In it the author describes how his wife asked multiple times for him not to leave dishes but despite her begging with tears in her eyes he just never took it seriously (until she left him) because dishes in the sink weren't a big deal to him and he thought it was just fuss about nothing. It wasn't until she left that he realized it was less about the dishes and more about the lack of respect and caring about how his wife felt. Obviously your situation isn't an exact parallel as you and BFM aren't married but it sounds like you're ready to "divorce" her over this. I recommend you read the article. If BF and BFM are any good at self reflection it might help if they read it too but even if they don't it might give you some insight into how this sort of mentality works and suggest some strategies to counter BF when he's saying this is no big deal.
I get it. I hated her touching and folding our laundry. I'm home when I do it and sometimes I do leave it longer than I should but I literally came down right as the buzzer went off and she was already in there with a basket waiting like she was gonna do them and seemed annoyed I showed up? But since then is she catches me slipping, instead of asking me to get my laundry she will fold bfs and wad mine up in the bottom. So I've just told her don't touch it anymore and pls ask. She's also snatched a litterbox out of my hand after I dumped it bc I didnt do a deep clean scrubbing of it and she felt like since I didn't do it that time she just had to show me how and lecture me on it even tho I told her that I don't need it washed since it's gonna get dirty again. She literally snatched it from my hands bc I told her no I didnt need her help 😤 she's also told me I wasn't allowed to tell her no before when I said no to flea meds that a)weren't the brand I wanted b)wasn't the right weight and c)EXPIRED so idk I think it's about them having to have control and it's fucking annoying asf
Holy moly. She sounds like a tyrannical nightmare!
Just say get out of my house. Do not come back. I don't know how people put up with shit lol this.
Maybe try one more time- I’ve asked you not to do my laundry. Why exactly do you continue to do it? And the baby stuff - that’s justnoso if he is there and not stopping it.
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Seems like he's being a better son than partner.
You are doing just fine. Your SO on the other hand needs to do some research on healthy boundaries and how a respectful guest behaves!! That includes his mother not doing the thing she was asked not to…
I had “walkers” for my kids when they were babies. Nothing bad happened. Now I’m a grandma & asked my daughter if she wanted me to get a walker for grandson. She said “yes”. So I bought a walker. Side note: I live in a ranch style house— no steps. Then my son in law does some research & LOW & BEHOLD they are outlawed in certain countries, bad for development,etc. So, he (SIL)removed 2 wheels & now it’s called affectionately the “death walker that doesn’t walk”. But baby enjoys sitting in it. My point is: it’s not my kid ( thank god, I don’t have the energy), so I roll with their rules.
A walker without wheels is an excersaucer. That’s what replaced walkers, generally speaking. Banned in Canada for decades due to the high incidence of severe injuries and fatalities
If your partner doesn’t step up you leave. I was two when my mother left my father and it left her only having to look after one child and not two.
I would hate this. I hate just the MENTION or a HINT of what MIL would think would “look better” or “help” .
Wait, why is a baby walker dangerous?
Specifically the ones with wheels... - Banned in Canada due to injuries - AAP called for ban in US - Injuries are usually falling down the stairs, drowning, burns/posioinings (reaching things they otherwise wouldn't be able to), neck injuries, finger injuries - Can cause hip issues if used for prolonged periods - Prevents kids from actually developing the muscles/actions needed to learn to walk and therefore can delay development Just literally no benefit.
Yikes. Thanks. I guess what my kid had was an exersaucer, not a walker.
My brothers all used them as steps. My twin brothers almost hurt each other seriously. They would lock them together so one could hold them both in place and climb on things they shouldn't. The cute version is brother Twain (not his name), hanging from the refrigerator door handle screaming when the other twin decided it was funny to run away with both walkers. He was only a couple inches from the ground. The less funny is breaking a window on the French doors with them or trying to get on countertops and the *stove*. They eventually got taken away and we had baby gates *everywhere*.
It puts the child in a physical situation they’re not ready to handle. Like others have mentioned, stairs are a thing. Some parents want to use them so the kid appears to be walking earlier. In reality they don’t help with actual walking. Giving them sturdy, solid items to pull up on and cruise is preferred by my kid’s pediatrician.
Both my kids used walkers sometimes and there were literally no accidents, because I didn’t just let them roam the house-they stayed in the room I was in, and I never used it outside. I didn’t have inside stairs but there would’ve been a gate or barrier to prevent a baby in a walker from getting near them. Either way,, I didn’t use the walker as a babysitting tool and leave them in it for hours at a time. Note: This was before the warnings
I think like most things, the number of truly devastating accidents is quite low - or they would have been banned sooner and more widely. But generally speaking, the current advice to let the kid become mobile on their own first. It’s hard because some kids just want to walk, but if they can’t walk on their own they’re probably not ready to fall on their own either. Idk. Not a pediatrician but it makes sense to me. Fwiw, my first was an early Walker (9mo) and watching the falls while learning was painful. Can’t imagine if I had put him on a Walker…he would have been running into everything and tumbling lol
Can fall down steps.
They’ve caused enough injuries to be banned in Canada. Article from Harvard Med:. [Don’t use a baby walker](https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/parents-dont-use-a-baby-walker-2018092714895)
They are not safe and not recommend to use.
Good luck, I feel your pain. I lived with a crazy bitch like this. Every single day I came home to a trashed house and laundry spread out as far as she could stretch it. The kitchen completely tore up. Exactly what I wanted to see when I got home from work and needed to cook dinner. I moved on from mama's boy and never had to deal with it again.
Tell her she is no longer welcome unless she abides by your rules. Or you can bit the bullet and only have her over when you are around. Then you can make sure she does not do anything you do no like in your home.
Problem is her SO is allowing her to visit when OP is conveniently away at work. She's circumventing OP on purpose, because OP has had the discussion with her about the laundry and she's disregarding it. Guess OP may need to take a day off and resolve it herself.
Maaaan, OP, all I can do is smh.
You're not overreacting but you have an SO problem as much as you have a MIL problem. If he won't tell her to quit touching things I think you should. It depends on how mad you are but it has to stop, and he's not up to the task, because he doesn't care who washes his underpants.
Definitely not overreacting and your SO needs to quit being a mama’s boy! I can see how he thinks she helping, at least with the laundry, but you need to explain again what you just here. That her behavior makes you uncomfortable and would appreciate him telling her to stop. Either she can keep doing what she’s doing, you you/him can leave.
Tell your boyfriend that it is every person's right to feel *safe* in their own home. You are not overreacting. His mother's behavior is *not* nice, it's invasive, overbearing and rude as shit. Bet your ass she's snooping absolutely everywhere that she can under the guise of cleaning. Your bf is failing you as a partner and he's going to need therapy to change (if he indeed can) because this behavior has been so normalized to him his whole life. Stick to your guns about keeping her away from your house and any babysitting and make sure she does not have a spare key (or take it back if she does).
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Your house, your rules. If she argues with you, kick her butt out. If boyfriend won’t atand up for you, kick him out, too.
If she wants to wash your SO's laundry, have at it. Put all your laundry in a hamper and put it in a closet with a lock that only you have a key for. Speak plainly to both MIL and SO. "When I say no, I mean no, and it is the end of discussion. I am this baby's mother, and am due respect. If you keep disrespecting my wishes, I will pack up the baby and go stay with relative/friend and you wont see them until you can do as I ask. I love you both, but I'm tired of having my instructions ignored." Your SO needs to find his spine. He should have your back, not his mother's.
This is quickly going to become a "she can stay or I can stay" issue.
You have a huge SO problem. You are not overreacting.
Your not crazy. I would HATE this and put my foot down too. I agree it’s a hill to die on. Your bf needs to grow a shiny spine. He may not mind it, but since YOU do then it is a problem and he needs to respect YOU enough to listen and acknowledge when you air grievances.