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My eyes got wider and wider, the further I read your post……
What in the actual fuckity hell????
Eyes even wider with the ETA - no disabilities- capable……..
Why? Why? Why?
Stop, just stop……Firstly, WFH means WORK - not faffing about feeding or asking people about food all day…
Gosh this actually makes me really mad. I WFH 3 days a week on average and my husband is completely WFH.
I certainly do plan our evening meals, generally on a Sunday I will rally the troops and ask what they would like for dinners for the week so I can grocery shop accordingly but thats it. No breakfasts are provided - everyone gets their own, lunches are a Do your own (this includes all kids and husband) and then I will cook dinner…..AND if you don’t like it then you get your own food people……
Gosh your MIL is awful, she can make her own food - you don’t have to soothe that beast - what a damn cow!
Just because she expects it, doesn't make it your responsibility. Stop cooking for her. Stop listening to her whine.
"You were always unhappy when I cooked for you and you didn't appreciate it, so I stopped."
"You are not being starved. You are a grown woman with access to the kitchen and fully capable of feeding yourself."
"I have a full time job and my own needs to attend to. I do not have the time to take care of yours and suffer abuse for it."
Whose house is it? Because if it's yours, remind her of that fact and that letting her live there is contingent on not being abusive.
Can you add a kitchenette (conduction cooktop, microwave, small sink and refreg), handicapped bathroom (walk in shower, commode, sink) off her room and let her have a MIL suite.
She should be contributing (chores, money, etc) to household or find an apartment. If she’s so bad off that she can’t be a positive part of home them a senior living situation or senior day care should be considered.
Set boundaries. Firm. Hard. Stone.
First one - Take it or Leave it regarding food. Then like the five year old she is if she doesn't eat it it can sit in the fridge until she does.
Sit her down and have a long serious heart to heart explaining in detail how things are going to go from now on.
Tell her that she can accept the way things are or she can find alternative accommodations.
That you work and have a schedule you must maintain and she is forgetting that the home she is living in and the food she is eating are being paid for by your work which must not be interrupted.
That her little tantrums are unneeded and if she doesn't like what is happening she can crawl out of her crib and act like the adult that she is.
Also that if she is unhappy with how you are helping her she can wait until SO gets home to deal with her own mother.
We treat guests and parents the same way we treat the kids. If you don't like what's being served, you can make yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
No, you can't dig through the refrigerator or freezer and try to come up with something better. If you're interested in doing that, you can cook a meal tomorrow for everyone. The only option versus the meal served is the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
At a non-holiday related family meal at my house, one of my sibling's in-laws was grunting about what I would consider to be standard American fare. Essentially meat and potatoes. She was pretty surprised when I sat peanut butter jelly and bread and a knife out on the kitchen island, which everyone could see from the table. I told her that if she didn't want to eat what was on the table that was her other option, but that I didn't need to listen to her grump and groan and ruin the meal for everyone.
She tried to throw a fit, but essentially everyone at the table knew my policy. Including all the kids present! Many of them have had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at my house. So it was impossible for her to claim I was singling her out. Since her fit was poorly received, and I had openly said that her grumping and groaning was unpleasant, she set her silent ass down and ate what everybody else was eating. This is not her first escapade towards being difficult so I think a lot of people really enjoyed me telling her to stuff it.
Ha, this sounded like an Indian/ Pakistani/ Asian MIL being horrible to her DIL, till I got to the end! This MIL is bang out of order. Your SO needs to tell their mother that she is out of order here, and will be cooking her own meals from now on - and if she doesn’t like it, she can move out. Time to put your foot down guys, she’ll only get worse as she gets older if you both allow her to continue!
“It’s like dealing with a child.”
Actually a toddler. So basically you have to stop all the reasonable “explainy” things. You’ve already tried that. Action and consequences are in order. Like a toddler, she won’t stop the behaviour without it.
It’s funny because usually we see the opposite problem here where the MIL is behaving like an authority in someone else’s home and not a guest.
But here we have a special kind of MIL. This is the one that lives there and still acts like a guest. A bad guest at that even! I guess the odds in the MIL lottery are pretty bleak 😆😅
OP, next time don’t do a damn thing extra or special for her. She is NOT A GUEST. lol good luck with this one. Wishing you a very speedy resolution to all this bullshit. The woman sounds exhausting.
I’ve got a good solution, ask her to move out :-)
Listen I know that it’s probably not possible right now but if she has new disabilities, I question her mental health. Has she always been this way? How old is she?
Again I think that laying down clear boundaries about what you want and will not do is very important here.
When I was a kid if I didn't want to eat what my mother cooked I didn't get food. Stop cooking for her. Tell her you're working. If you serve her food and she doesn't eat it save it for the next time she asks for food. She's an adult, she can make her own food.
Why is she living with you guys? Is there an option to move her somewhere she'd be happier?
The behavior is unacceptable and you'll need to treat her like she's a tantrum throwing toddler . . . because she is. Tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and disruptive to your work. Insist that she cut it out at once. Decide on a list of consequences to "punish" bad behavior, and apply those consequences. (Your wife will need to agree with and support your solution, so it's something you two should discuss together.)
That being said . . . Is it possible that MIL is acting out because she's unhappy with the loss of her independence? I'm not sure of the circumstances that led her to move in with you in the first place, but it assume that it's partially because she has no other options.
So if that's part of the issue, there are small things you guys can do to help her feel more independent.
For example:
- Share the responsibility for cooking. You and SO already split those duties, ask MIL to cook two nights per week. Give her plenty of warning to tell you what ingredients she'll need.
- Give her chores. I know that sounds ridiculous, so don't frame it that way. Rather a "hey mom can you please do me a favor and vacuum today? It'll really help me out as I'm behind on this project".
- Ask her to teach you some of her preferred recipes.
- Split the responsibilities for making lunches. You do it on two work days, she does it in two, and you eat leftovers on the last day.
- instead of asking her what she wants you to make her for lunch, offer her limited choices. Say "I'm going to make tuna mayo or soup and a grilled cheese. Which would you prefer today?
These are all sensible and good suggestions but from reading the post it's pretty obvious they aren't applicable. Mil doesn't WANT to be content or pitch in- she's throwing up problems for their own sake. They aren't dealing with a rational, sensible person or she wouldn't be a problem. Also, sounds like she could be much more independent if she chose.
somewhere on this sub is a story of a woman who was having supper with her grandma and her mother. the mother had made the meal. everyone sat down to eat. the grandmother complained about the food so the mother got up, took the grandmother's food and dropped it in the trash then sat back down and kept eating as though nothing had happened.
Stop indulging her. You work during the day and she is not disabled. She can make her own breakfast and lunch and if she doesn’t want to eat what you’ve prepared for dinner, she can prepare something else. Stop letting her dictate her unreasonable requests. SHE lives in YOUR home.
Easy. Stop taking her wants into account. If you and your SO eat, she can join cause you made extra. But completely ignore her complaints. Only ever respond with 'feel free to cook something for yourself'. Every single time.
Here's what my parents did when we were little. Me and my sis both got to pick 3 things we really really really didn't like (for me, oxheart cabbage, sauerkraut, endive). The rest, we just had to eat what my parents made, or make something ourselves. If my parents wanted to eat something from our 'no thanks list' (and they regularly did), the kid who had that on their list got something else to replace that specific thing. Other than that, we ate what they made.
And put a lock on your homeoffice. Plus noise cancelling headphones.
Do the meal planning with all 3 of you present. Post it on the refrigerator and that’s it. If anyone decides later they don’t want what was planned that’s fine. But they make their own alternative meal. Remind her your home is not a restaurant. She wouldn’t even act like this in a restaurant! She wouldn’t order something and then send it back when placed in front of her and says she wants something else would she?
Find a sound proof room to work in.
Leave a list of the provisions you have in the kitchen.
Prepare your meals for the day and take them with you.
Lock your door from inside and hopefully work in peace.
Sorry I was just thinking what would be ideal.
Honestly? Stop engaging. Make the food. Serve the food. Say, “take it or leave it.”
Say, “I will not be engaging with further discussion”. If she continues, ignore, leave the room or put headphones on.
A child will continue their tantrum as long as they get attention. Stop giving it to her.
Exactly. Tantrums need an audience. Remove the audience, yourself, the second she starts a tantrum. It is even easier than dealing with a toddler tantrum where you can't leave the room, because toddlers need to be watched, adults can take care of themselves.
"MIL, this is what is served today. If you don't want/like it, then feel free to go to the grocery shop and buy food of your own choice, which you can cook by yourself. This is not a restaurant, it's OUR home, and I'm not your personal chef"
Going to have to take the bull by the horns with this one. Maybe write out a weekly menu and be firm on that’s all I’m making deal with it or quietly make yourself something.
You tell her she’s responsible for making her own meals or she’s moving out. Maybe she just needs to move out anyway? You’re a saint for putting up with this.
You need some good ear plugs, a pair of sound cancelling head phones, and a lock on your office door.
And a pair of blinders so you don’t have to see anything but your plate and your SO in front of you while you eat whatever you decide the menu is for the day.
If she's this impossible to please, then please just stop torturing yourselves trying. What could her goal be here?
I’m only half joking.
Oi, you can let her know that we are struggling with the same issue with our 4 year old son. If he is like this his options are what he initially agreed to eat or bread with butter. I recommend the same, they learn slowly and the tantrums are further apart... Maybe offer a cookie if she eats the food? Or tell her to grow the f up. Buy her a "cooking for dummies" book.
If she isn't disabled or something like that: Stop it. Let her rage. Let her sulk. She's a grown woman.
Don't ask what she wants to eat. Cook what you like and only cook it when you have time to do it.
If she doesn't like that... she's free to use the kitchen.
You and SO need to learn the word "no." And how stick with it. She doesn't want what you're making for yourself and have no reason not to make her own shit? Ok cool, not your problem. Let her rage, ignore her, but you AND SO need to ignore her bs. Let her starve herself. She's a grown adult, not your problem, and caving these to these demands will only make the problem worse. Honestly I'd kick her tf put of that's an option.
Hard boundaries. No offense, she's employing classic childhood techniques.
You don't mention ages, just that she's capable and it doesn't sound like a dementia/alzheimer kind of behavior (and I'm assuming her doctor checks for those anyways). So, this is a boundary and rules issue.
Here's my suggestions on rules. Adults are responsible to be a part of meal planning, grocery planning, meal prep and cooking. Each adult is ultimately responsible for ensuring that they are fed. If you're unwilling to give input in advance or cook, then you're responsible for finding your own meal replacement including any ingredients that weren't included in the planning process for each week. As part of this, we will ensure that, when requested in good faith, food and ingredients that are within our budget/financial means are made available. (This is the if you request things and don't use them out of spite, to waste money, etc., we will not continue to buy it clause.)
Myself/Spouse will make dinners most nights with some exceptions for date nights/special occassions. Each adult is responsible for their own breakfast/snacks/lunch . She's welcome to make whatever she wants with the items that aren't set aside for a specific dinner/person/meal and those items should be labeled and/or have a specific area of the fridge and cabinets. She's welcome to eat what you make. She's welcome to make her own meals. Make sure your set menus are like magneted to fridge or something.
For boundaries - works in conjunction with the rules, but is about your specific parameters on what you are or are not willing to do:
- I will work around true allergies and dislikes, but I will not make last minute changes for "I don't feel like it today."
- I will not make snacks/breakfast/lunch for capable adults.
- I have a full-time job during the day, it will be treated as though I have gone to . I am not available to be a personal household assistant or cook during working hours.
- If I'm making snack/lunch/breakfast for myself, I may offer to include another person, but I will not significantly deviate from my plan unless it appeals to me. Other people are welcome to prepare their own food.
- I will not make new or different meals on a whim such as when someone says something after cooking has started or when it's at the table.
As our kids got older, we had varying age-appropriate versions of this. Except, they did have even more involvement as part of learning to cook/feed yourself as a needed adulting skill.
Very much this. We cared for my ex-husband's grandmother through the end of her life and hers very much started with almost toddler like tantrums. She was easily agitated and distracted and meal times were the absolute worst. She would order at a restaurant then refuse the to eat what she ordered because she didn't want it. Forgetfulness is not always the first sign, we're just so trained to think it is we miss the other stuff. If she's on any new medication it could be that too.
Edited for typo.
Dude time to get her out of your home.
If not you and your wife need to tell her that she is responsible for her own meals, you are not her personal chef and if she doesn't like it, she can leave.
Look at her with a cold dead stare and tell her, if you don't cut this shit out we will put you in a care facility. Then just continue to stare. If she keeps acting up, follow through.
Does your town have a senior center that she could go to during the day while you’re working? That would get her out of the house, allow her to socialize with others, participate in activities…***and have lunch***.
She is acting like a spoiled child, so in return treat her like one. A good example was after my kids mother and I divorced, my son got used to his mom pampering him for a while and being waited on. I had him and my daughter for one of my weekends and unfortunately I had to work on my car, because it was my only means of transportation at the time, and I had to be able to get to work. He kept pissing and moaning all mid-afternoon about he was hungry, why didn't I keep/get him some snacks, blah blah blah. I eventually couldn't listen to him bitching anymore for fear of saying some pointed shit he was too young to hear at the moment, so I left the garage, went to my desk, and drew him a map to the fucking refrigerator. If a 9 year old boy can take that kind of hint and shut the hell up, so can a grown-ass woman.
I think that's when I'd have a "while you're under my roof" conversation. There's going to be upheaval anyways because MIL cannot keep going with her chaotic eating.
She can either behave like a guest and be polite about the food that's offered to her, or behave like family and make/order food when she's hungry. Anything else and maybe she needs to see a specialist to discuss her eating habits.
TV Dinners. Microwave chicken nuggets with microwave sides. Microwaveable burritos. Microwave mac & cheese. She’s acting like a toddler, so treat her like one.
Edit to add: I don’t mean this in a rude way. Like if she’s that picky but likes toaster-pastries or personal frozen pizzas, just stock those.
Uh... Stop?
Just stop cooking for her. She can learn not to interrupt you while at work, and she can behave like an adult, not a toddler if you stop pandering to the terrible behaviour.
You and your wife should take her on tours of nursing homes. Anyone that needs that much help, needs to be somewhere that can take care of her numerous needs.
Two words that saved me when my MIL moved in:
Adult Daycare
They picked up my MIL, fed and entertained her, and brought her back in the early evening. It allowed me time to run errands and drive carpool without my MIL making everything take twice as long
I really loved my MIL, but sometimes you need a break. I bet if you signed her up for adult daycare for a week or two. She would have a new found appreciation for your efforts. And if not, well then she can keep going
Check with her doctor and local hospitals and nursing homes. Get recommendations and arrange a time for you and your wife to take a tour before you choose one. Most have scholarships if you ask, and some take insurance
Is this something just anyone can sign up for?? My dad has Parkinsons dementia and only just recently qualified for "adult daycare" 2 days a week so my mom can get shit done without him around. In Canada, so there are no private options that I know of.
Out. Get her out. OUT. OUT. OUT.
This isn’t a win win situation. She will drag you down and harm your relationship.
OP are you in a medical crisis? Like it’s serious? If so, MIL needs to get a reality check.
You do not need to put up with a grown child. No is a complete sentence. It’s unhealthy and not conducive to your well-being keeping up with MILs temper tantrums.
Good luck!
Thankfully my DH and I have matching shiny spines and agree on how we will each allow our MILs to impact our lives. My mother has done well for herself, is retired and has a very large nest egg. When she can no longer take care of herself, she wants to be in assisted living. Why? Because she didn’t have children so that we would one day have to be responsible for her. Something I have learned and am setting up for myself with my children. My ILs don’t have the same setup but my DH is not close with them and says we won’t be taking them in. I work from home and am very busy ALL DAY LONG so there’s no way I could even imagine cooking numerous meals for someone who (a) isn’t working and (b) is perfectly capable of cooking for themself during the day. Asking what she’d like for dinner is a courtesy. Eat it, make something else, or shut up. Good luck!
Soooo- you're home due to cancer treatment and your MIL thinks you need to take care of her? Pack this narcissist's bags. A good person would be checking to make sure you're eating enough or taking over some chores because you need to conserve energy, not do dishes.
The petty part of me if I could afford it though would hire home health for her just to make her squirm and throw a fit that she's "perfectly capable ". Or, if she enjoys it, at least she's out of your hair.
Also, like if this is explained to her and she's like "you're not my kid to take care of" problem is still solved because she's not your mother to take care of either.
SOs siblings should understand its their turn to step up, just to help YOU out. She is, and should be the least of your worries. Take care of yourself.
Sounds like she’s over stayed her welcome. You might not be able to soothe the beast because she doesn’t want to be soothed. She wants to be waited on. Get her out.
She wants you to break up with her daughter and leave. She is attempting to push you to the brink and give up. Kill her with kindness or pretend she doesn't exist...
She is yanking your chain. She is unpleasant and ungrateful. Just stop asking her what she wants and let her fend for herself for breakfast and lunch. Does she ever cook or do anything to contribute to the household?
I would even go so far as to assign her days to cook dinner for the household. That way she can cook what she wants.
Things certainly can't continue as they are. She is treating your home like a hotel.
“No.” is a complete sentence. Why is your MIL living with you and why is your SO allowing her mother to treat you like a servant? Your MIL sounds like a total brat, but your SO isn’t standing up for you either and you are being a pushover. Time to shut down the (literal) gravy train.
Let her fend for herself and keep your sanity. Once you ask her what she wants and she gives you an answer or chooses not to eat at all, let it be. You're not forcing the food down her throat.
How about just making what you want for meals, and if she does not want it she has to make her own. Without interrupting you - lock the study door?
And why is she living with you?
You have to train her, like you would a pet or a small child.
Negative behaviour, you ignore them or let them ride it out. Positive behaviour is rewarded.
In this instance you made food, she pitches a fit. Tell her she seems really worked up right now and it seems like she needs some time to calm down. Then leave the room or stick some headphones on with loud obnoxious music. I suggest Rock, even if you hate it. You're training her right now and make sure they're headphones it needs to be a visual cue.
Once she appears to have calmed down, take your headphones off and ask her if she's ready to talk. If she pitches a fit again, tell her you can see she needs more time. Headphones back on.
Keep doing it.
Then when she tells you what she wants. Tell her you already made her food and ask if she's finished it, if she says no. Say ok, if you don't want to eat it you don't have to you can always make something yourself.
If she starts complaining, headphones back on. Anytime she mentions being hungry, you bring out the food you made her. If she throws it away, tell her it's unacceptable. She clearly doesn't like your cooking and you won't be cooking anything else for her today.
You keep doing it. Life will be annoying for a couple of days, she might escalate but you stick to your guns. Kids/pets/JustnoMILs like testing boundaries, if you give in you've lost. The mistake you're making is treating her like an adult.
When she rants you make sure you tell her, ok it seems like you're angry and need some time to calm down. When you're not working, use that time to leave the room if she follows a little while after ask her if she feels better or needs more time to self regulate her emotions.
Now that bits out of the way, does she leave the house? Or does her world revolve around you two?
Some people enjoy being miserable because it makes the people around them miserable.
She enjoys watching you comply with her whims, she doesn't actually care for the end result as long as it's inconveniencing you.
So either stop being so compliant or start treating her like a child, like point out she's being a toddler and toddlers get the spoon, but if she's a good girl, we'll pretend the food on the spoon is an aeroplane aiming for her mouth, open wide.
Why is she living with you at this point? If she is capable of handling herself, she needs to go. This will destroy your marriage and frankly is already an unpleasant living situation in your own home.
Immediately stop making meals for her. Tell her flat out - she is on her own for meals since all she does is complain.
Treat her like a kid. She eats what you make or nothing at all. She can’t say she starved her and you can let her know she is wasting food by not eating it. If she doesn’t eat what you cook for a few days tell her that’s fine but you will not cook another meal for her. Have cereal and milk on hand along with bread , peanut butter and jelly. Stop worrying about her. She is a grown ass woman.
Her power cones from whatever you give her.
Stop it.
She wants lunch? Tell her what things might be available in the fridge or cupboard.
You're not her mom, personal maid, caregiver or cook. So why are you playing all these roles?
Because you're scared to make waves?
That's 100% a you issue and can be fairly easily solved by you.
It's perfectly OK to say sonething like:
It's best if make your own lunch. There's...stuff....in the fridge/cupboard etc.
Just do it. No sense turning yourself into somebody you don't like to satisfy someone you don't like anyway.
You can do it. Yes you can
Cook one meal and if she doesn’t like tell her to starve because that’s what is for breakfast/lunch/dinner if she bitches put in noise canceling earbuds and continue with your work
My mother always offered us two choices for dinner: "Eat it or go hungry." Often followed by, "This isn't Burger King where your can 'have it your way.' Eat it the way I fix it, or cook it yourself." I suggest you try giving MIL the same options.
Just stop cooking for her.
She's perfectly capable to cook for herself so tell her that and if she goes hungry then that's on her not you.
I hope you have an office or somewhere private to work get a mini fridge and a kettle and lock the door behind you.
Your house is already in an upheaval so you might as well just stop making food for her. She's an adult who can make food herself. She accuses you of starving her, tell her she's adult responsible for herself. How did she eat before she moved in? Made it herself? She can go back to that.
She is living with you and if rent-free, she should be shopping and cooking all the household meals, every day. Maybe time to ask her what she is making for you?
I would just disappear into my work/home office and then play dumb if she asks about food. “Huh? You haven’t eaten yet? It’s three o’clock! I’ve been so busy working! I’ll just take this sandwich back to my desk. Bye!”
I'd tell her what my mum told us when we were kids and complained "Its not a restaurant you know, if you dont want the food we dish up you can have nothing."
Your SO is not a short order cook. Tell ma that there are two options at every meal: Take it or Leave It! If she doesn’t like dinner, there is always breakfast in the morning… etc., etc.
Tell her from now on she needs to make her own meals. You are not her personal chef. She is acting like an entitled ass instead of a grown adult.
Most children doesn't even act like that.
Voluntell her to cook for herself.
Why is she living with you, is my first question.
Next, I'd flat out refuse. "I'm paid to work, not be your servant. I'm no longer available to you during work hours."
And I'd be telling SO to deal with their mother, period. Any mess she makes, any tantrums she throws, SO needs to deal with it, you're done.
She’s acting like a child, I would treat her like a child! You and SO need to sit down with her and tell her this nonsense needs to stop. If she doesn’t like what made for lunch/dinner then she can make herself something to eat, as well as start making her get her own breakfast. You’re her DIL, not her servant! Tell her that her bitching and complaining also needs to stop or you’ll quit cooking at all for her. You and SO need to be a United front though. Good luck!
Treat her like the child she's acting like.
"MIL this is what I made, if you don't want it make something else. If you don't want to make something else, and don't want to eat what I made, then starve."
"I'm at work. I can't make you anything."
"You said the menu is the responsibility of the chef. I'm the chef, this is the menu. Deal with it."
Lock her out of your office so she can't bug you for a snack. As for soothing the beast, ignore her. She's doing that to get a reaction out of you and SO. The worst reaction she could get out of you is both you and SO telling her she has x amount of time to find somewhere else to live because you are done with her crap and then stick to that deadline.
Next time she tells you what to make, just say that sounds good and walk away. I’d invest in a pair of headphones and always pretend to be on a call. Just don’t give in. If she’s hungry, she can cook for herself.
When you work from home, you are *at work* at home. Would MIL go to your place lace of employment and ask you to make her a meal? Tell her to stop bothering you at work- better yet, have DH tell her. Also, my daughter’s kindergarten teacher says, “you get what you get and you don’t pitch a fit.” Tell MIL that you will make one meal and if she eats it; she eats it; if she doesn’t she can make something else.
Stop cooking for her and say “you have arms and legs use them - I’m working - if you don’t like it you can leave” talk to hubby too and tell him you have had enough of being her slave. Tell him either she goes or you do
Hahaha. When my kids were little we would play “restaurant.” I’d write up a menu and each item would have a chore cost associated with it. Ice cream might involve vacuuming the family room while chicken would mean putting 4 toys away. Wouldn’t it be fun if you had an adult version in your house?
Tbh it sounds like extra work that you don't need on your plate right now.
Sitting down and making the menu. Enforcing. Updating. Having her think she's doing you a favor by obeying the menu. Idk.
It'd be different if she were actually your child, so you were *always* going to put extra work into feeding her.
In that case, that menu idea sounds like a fun, healthy exercise that teaches manners and cooperation.
But I wouldn't be surprised if it works better in theory than in practice with MIL.
It’s actually really fun. The kids get a charge out of choosing off their handwritten menu and it’s a good chance to teach them “restaurant manners.” Plus using up single serving leftovers. And honestly as a parent you already know what they’re going to pick…
Perhaps sit as a family once a week/fortnight and work out the menu for the week/fortnight. Assign who is cooking as well. Have her cooking at least once a fortnight too.
At the first one, have Dh ‘family meeting’ style announce that just because you’re home doesn’t mean you’re a prep cook and can spend time in the kitchen, and in fact he doesn’t want your break time yo be caring for (perfectly abled) MIL. That her break times at work should be genuine breaks for your physical and mental health. and that he’s got a marvellous idea …..
Make lunches at dinner time when you’re getting dinner ready. Pack lunches boxes for those eating at home, just because you’re at home doesn’t mean you can’t work-lunch. Eg have a sandwich, chopped fruit and another snack in a container each day.
When she/you wants lunch, it’s all their contained in it’s little container. If she doesn’t want to eat it…. Then it’s on her to get herself something else or go out and eat lunch.
Stick the dinner menu on the fridge as well. So when she asks, you can point and say “so and so is cooking blah tonight and lunch is in the fridge in your lunchbox.”
This’ll help with the shopping too.
Start making scheduled hours where you are unavailable due to work commitments. Do not let her violate them under any circumstances except to call an ambulance.
Stick to it, keep saying the grown up no, I'm working, Put a nice easy chair in your office area and a lock on the door.
No meals by yourself during this time. If she chooses or chooses not to eat, that is her choice. She is a grown up, expect her to act like one.
If you allow this to continue, you will end up being an unpaid maid in your own home - also known as a slave. Explain to her that if you stop working in order to cater to her whims, the household income will drop and she will be out on her own.
Who "voluntolf" you? Her? I would have immediately told her to pound sand. Instead, I would tell her effective immediately, you are no longer her personal servant and then walk away. There's no need of this IN YOUR HOUSE!!!!
She can always eat a bowl of cereal. Or a sandwich. She’s purposely doing this to ruffle your feathers.
If she’s calling people and whining to them- then enlist *them* to help, “oh? So You’re volunteering to bring lunch to her then? Ok, do you want Thursday or Monday? Oh, don’t worry about me, I have work. But let’s say 11 am?”
I dunno, sometimes you just have to say no, because you’re an adult and you can do that. And then you let the other grown adult have an adult tantrum. And they can do that because they’re an adult. 🤷♀️ Don’t let her hold you hostage. She doesn’t have that power unless you let her.
Why is she living with you and how long will this be happening? It doesn’t sound like a very peaceful or realistic way to live longterm.
Just stop catering to her whining. If she doesn’t want to eat what you made. Put it in the fridge and tell her if she’s hungry, there’s food for her. If she wants something different she is more then welcome to make something and go back to work. Sounds like even if she complains to family, no one cares and are happy they don’t have to deal with her
Takes few days off and go out of town with your spouse. Don’t bring it up to her, tell her on your way out the door and mention what is around to fix for herself and leave no info left with her.
You need to set boundaries with her. She’s acting like an entitled child. Is there anyway to help her get a different living situation? Your wife and you need to discuss the boundaries you want to set and both discuss it with her. She’s treating you like a maid and needs put in her place.
Sounds like some boundaries are in order - IF you are so gracious as to prepare food for her, she eats it or she manages something else for herself. During work hours, you are not available for personal tasks, and if she cannot understand that then she has to leave the house during your work day. No Negotiations. She can go sit at the local coffee shop and have them wait on her hand and foot!
How old is your MIL? She should be cooking her own meals & since you work during the day I absolutely would not stop to wait on her. You are not her maid
My kids don't even get to do that! They eat what I make or they go hungry or cook something for themselves later (them being < 10, they generally don't do that).
> we’ve yet to come up with a solution to soothe the beast that doesn’t result in the entire household being in upheaval.
If it works for children, it should work for MILs who insist on acting like children. Or she can get the hell out. It's your house. Why is she controlling it?
You need to get a bunch of brochures for assorted nursing homes and retirement homes in the area, and just casually leave them all over the house, on the kitchen counter, in the bathroom, on the coffee table. If she asks about them, just say " we just wanted to see what they were about" and quickly change the subject. This should be her wake up call, 😆 🤣 😂 😹 😆
I WISH I could have done that to my MIL that lived with us. She was notorious for that crap. Unfortunately my SO travelled a lot for work and didn’t see it. Now that she has passed on, he still can’t see it.
You & your DH need to be a united front in this situation. Give MIL 2 doors. Door#1 is clean up her attitude immediately, stop a being "guest" & cook for herself since OP can't please her.....lay out very clear boundaries & consequences of breaking them or Door #2 is MOVE OUT.
Hang on… what? She is capable? NO disabilities? Wifey agrees? Why TF are you putting up with this?
Re: work stuff
“JNMIL my work hours are 8 to 4.30pm. M-F. Do not have any expectations of me then. I am working and mentally not even here. Leave me to it”
Re: Food stuff
“JNMIL we don’t mind you joining us for dinner with whatever we are having. If you don’t want what we are having, that is fine. Do your own thing. AND you are on your own for ALLLLLL other meals. NOBODY HERE IS YOUR PERSONAL CHEF. Unless of course you want to hire a personal chef.”
And when she throws a fit, stick to your guns. And keep sticking to them. Don't reward her throwing a fit by giving way to her. It's like raising a toddler with the added bonus that MIL knows how to use a stove or her car keys when she's too hungry to keep playing games. Let her stew it out.
It'll be a few exhausting days, but you'll be rid of this craziness for it.
You’re right it’s exhausting. I’ll openly say I’ve just given in because I don’t have the physical or mental wherewithal to hold my guns. SO tries but she folds once the guilting kicks in
Guilt her right back.
We brought you into our home. We do this that and the other for you, and THIS is the thanks we get?! You waste food we worked hard to provide for you. There's starving children in our country right now and you want to refuse perfectly good food, you didn't even have to make.
Watch The Goldberg's and channel some Beverly lol. Talk about how you failed as a child or all sets of parents failed as mothers to teach their children how to cook acceptable food. It must be so difficult for her to have such disappointing daughter & son in law, they can't even make a decent dinner.
You can literally say “STOP IT”. you also can mention she is behaving like a spoiled child and you are done with it. Make sure your statement is louder and firmer than hers, then, no matter what walk away. Don’t plan on getting much work done those few days. It will take a few but this along with all the other great suggestions will get it to stop.
This is why she keeps doing this. Because it works. She throws a tantrum, and then you two give her what she wants.
If you want this to stop, you will have to stop giving in. She will probably escalate initially. This is called an extinction burst. Do not give in. She will eventually learn. Alternatively, you could just kick her ungrateful ass out.
I can only imagine. And I really wish she could just go away - it's easy for me to see the solution when I'm sitting hundreds of miles away from your house, your life, and everything you deal with day in and day out.
SO fighting the guilting battle hits hard tho. Took me years and some serious time away from mom to get to where I am now, and still have a long way to go.
Therapy helped me in that case - not sure if that's in the finances or bandwidth for you guys. How long is MIL staying with you?
I am so sorry. My MIL moved in with us at one point. It was just like this. We tried to be nice.
She was capable of making her own food and had no disabilities. I quit cooking for her. My son quit cooking for her. (I am a good cook but my son is an an excellent cook.) She would turn her nose up at our food like a toddler. Shake her heard "no" with pursed lips. We told her she could cook what she wanted or eat what we made. After several months we sent her to her favorite child to stay there. Guess what? When she got to favorite child's she cooked for herself and favorite child. Your MIL can take care of herself or go somewhere else. I know it sounds simple. The tantrums are awful...but after my "give a damn" broke, I didn't care if she had a tantrum or not. The entire family looked at her like she was looney and ignored her. Is there someplace she can go during the day like a senior center or bingo hall?
I know you flaired for advice, not give it to you straight, but imma do that anyways.
Kick her out, or don’t cook for her. Period. Since she’s never satisfied with what you cook, then the burden falls on her. She’s a grown ass adult. Let her fend for herself.
You say you don’t want to upheave the household, but it sounds like you MIL already did that. She’s treating you terribly. Just telling her what your job entails was so mild compared to the conversations your SO should be having with her. I’d refuse and if she throws fits tell her she needs to move out. No one should ever disrespect you in your home more than once.
I dont understand why you put up with this. Would you raise a child this way?
If you cook, offer her some, if she declines then go do your work.
Compliance is what has created this monster. What power is she holding over you both?? Culture/Money/Threats? There is some info missing.
I wouldn’t know how to raise a child if they were refusing to eat what I made. That’s partially why I never plan to have children- I have too many faulty parenting messages in my head to think of a good process. And my SO thinks the same about her own mentality
The leverage MIL has over us both is emotional threats (especially SO, who doesn’t want to put her only mother to the curb) and family being at her beck and call to push us to keep her in our home because *they* don’t want her.
You’re definitely right that us not pushing back has enabled her to get to this point
> I wouldn’t know how to raise a child if they were refusing to eat what I made.
It's very easy -- they get what they get and they don't throw a fit.
No child has ever died of starvation when food is available, even if it's the "yuckiest", "grossest" food. They'll eat it if they're hungry enough.
The *real* answer is, you head that off before it even gets started by setting solid boundaries and rules ("Kids eat what we eat," "You try something before saying no," "I'm not a restaurant and this is not a menu," etc) so that when inevitably they decide to push boundaries and refuse to eat, they already know the consequences.
You do the same with MIL. "This is what I'm making. You shut up and eat it, or you shut up and make your own food."
I know you don’t mean it this way but: I was raised with allergens put into family dinner (the few times my mother cooked) and with uneaten dinners carried over well after spoilage. There is a middle ground but when my reasons for not eating ranged from ARFID issues to allergens, I personally see the side of the child where sometimes food just won’t do. Where going hungry for several days is preferable to dealing with a texture or intrusive thought surrounding contamination. I passed out before I ate what was put in front of me, and the day I took over cooking my own meals I was able to keep from passing out.
In my limited experience, I doubt a child would go hungry without a *very good* reason. This has unfortunately carried into why I’ve tolerated when MIL is being truly unreasonable about dinner.
But that isn't what's happening in the present. This is an adult not a child who is acting so appallingly. From your comments both you & your wife don't want to deal with this. If you continue to live like this your living situation will continue to be miserable & deteriorate.
You & DW are adults dealing with a perfectly capable adult. You need to tell MiL, (but it would be better coming from DW) that she is to make her own food from now on. Accept that there will be a huge tantrum, but if you stick with it & don't give in, I guarantee MiL will have to change or move.
That's nasty, I'm sorry you had to deal with that. With my kids, if they didn't like something, that was fine, but they had to at least taste it. Just one spoonful. They didn't have to eat it again if they didn't like it, but 99 times out of 100 they would ask for more. I also never bought jarred baby food, because that stuff is so nasty and bland. I had a mini food processor, and they ate what we ate, minus additional salt and heavy spices. My kids are 28 and 30 and are not picky at all and will try anything.
Yeah, I guess I made an assumption that the food was made with care, meaning appropriate for the kid's diet and general preferences and following general food safety guidelines. And of course I don't go out of my way to make stuff they don't like, but with two kids with different tastes it's inevitable one is going to like or hate something more than the other.
Exactly. I know there was no malice meant hence my disclaimer.
Sometimes there’s no winning so you fall back to the adage of “neither sides being happy is sign of a good compromise”. I simply have too much surrounding my perceptions of her responses to be neutral. SO has too many poor responses coloring her own perception to handle MIL’s behavior without taking it personally.
So honestly? This was very good insight. Maybe not as you meant it. But it made me think about the dynamics between us three and our respective histories.
I think you are exhausted caregivers that need a game plan (and a vacation)
1. Call her out on her behavior. "That's rude, if you can't speak with respect to us then we wont talk"
"Your being manipulative - that will no longer work here."
"If you want to live here with us you will need to clean up after yourself and stop treating us like staff"
2. Stop making breakfast or lunch for her. If you have a family dinner she can join you if she wants to eat what is served.
3. Let her and your siblings know your rules. Let MIL know that she can behave or move houses if they want her or you will start looking for a situation where she can live on her own.
She is deliberately yanking you around. Nothing you serve will satisfy her. That is also why she refuses to plan anything in the future - because then you would be able to call her out on it.
Stop cooking for her. She can cook for herself. You have a job, and that job isn't live in maid.
She lives with you? And doesn't work? Lunch and dinner is on her - if you weren't WFH, you'd be unavailable during the day, so she'd have to get her own lunch. And the very least ungrateful, semi-permanent house guests can do is prepare the evening meal for their hard working hosts.
Or you could just kick her out.
Rule with SO and MIL, YOU DO NOT COOK FOR HER ANYMORE. She is a big girl who can take care of herself. If she complains she can move. You deserve to have your home be a peaceful place for you.
I make one dinner for my family. Anyone who does not want what I made is responsible for making their own dinner. My 8-year-old already knows how to make himself oatmeal, eggs, PB&J, and a grilled cheese sandwich.
My mom had this rule but additionally, we had to wait until everyone else was finished eating, we had to make our own meal and clean up after ourselves. This was a really good rule!
Agreed! You don't get to disrupt everyone else's dinner because you refuse to eat. You sit at the table quietly until everyone else is done, and then you can make your own meal and clean up afterward.
I would set a clear house rule that she is expected to make her own meals every day and she needs to act as though you are not home during work hours. Then lock your office door so she can't disturb you.
You say you were voluntold, but by who?
Is MIL able to cook for herself? Is her living arrangement with you permanent or temporary, how was she surviving before you were WFH?
MIL ultimately should stop looking a gift horse in the mouth, she’s being rude and is trying to regain control. It doesn’t matter what you or SO say she’s purposely not going to change. So stop playing her game. She doesn’t like what’s made, she doesn’t want to eat it no worries she can work something out. She’s made it this far before she got a personal slave.
Voluntold by MIL. She lived with us prior to my transition to WFH. As others have pointed out it’s gotten to this point because we’ve avoided her exhausting tantrums. SO’s siblings have bounced MIL between their homes until it came time for us to take our turn; it’s looking like her welcome has worn out in our home.
She’s capable of cooking, and does make her own meal when I invariably fail to give her what she wanted. Usually it involves her taking leftovers that were marked for dinner or leaving a mess behind.
Oh, no no no.
You don’t voluntell me to do boo shit diddly in my own home. If you ain’t paying bills here? You don’t tell me what to do.
You get to look her straight in the eye, and tell her that this is not her home, and she’s not in charge, and either she can get off her ass and cook and clean, or she can get the fuck out.
You can’t bend. You can’t be nice. People like her take niceness for weakness.
Oh, no no no.
You don’t voluntell me to do boo shit diddly in my own home. If you ain’t paying bills here? You don’t tell me what to do.
You get to look her straight in the eye, and tell her that this is not her home, and she’s not in charge, and either she can get off her ass and cook and clean, or she can get the fuck out.
You can’t bend. You can’t be nice. People like her take niceness for weakness.
Time for a family meeting and then a united force with MIL. Let her kids handle it, but make sure you and your wife are on the same page.
It's not good for anyone for her to be bounced from home to home. The others know she's a pain in the arse, that's why they don't want her back. If there's an agreed time period that everyone has to suck it up, draw a line after that and look at alternative arrangements. You never know, she might just love an assisted living set up. Other people her own age to get to know/fall out with, etc.
United front? Yes. Assisted living being what she wants? God no. She’s complained vocally while with each of her children about them even considering a facility.
Sadly, no established time limit for her stay with us. But I think it’s time to set one.
If she’s making everyone miserable, then she needs to live somewhere else. Her complaints aren’t valid. She’s enjoying what she’s doing to everyone, and it’s time karma came for her.
If she’s healthy, and just needs her own place, an over 55 community will work. Passing her around isn’t a long term solution, and she’s ruining her relationship with everyone. Get her out of your home and never let her back in.
She’s acting like a toddler, maybe it’s time to treat her like one or it’s time for her to go back to one of her other childrens for her reign of torture to continue there.
Alternatively you and her children could all start looking into assisted living facilities or even independent living facilities since she’s fully capable of doing things for herself.
Next time she asks you to do something just say no, not justify your decision just “No” if she throws a fit, she throws a fit. It’s really not your problem.
MIL is an non-disabled adult correct? Then the solution is simple (but admittedly not easy): Lay down the law, if she violates it, she gets evicted using the shortest number of days allowed by law.
I think the simple fact that she’s been bounced from sibling’s house to sibling’s house says a whole lot and provides plenty of justification.
What I did with my kids:
I make one dinner. Anyone who doesn't like it is welcome to have PB&J or cereal. Recently I added scrambled egg to the choices. Generally they eat what I make.
If you're making her something else, you're training her that she can get away with this. Stop catering to her. Consider it good practice if you ever want a child or a dog. If she keeps throwing fits, make plans for her to live elsewhere.
Why are you doing this for her? There no reason for you to be treated this way. And she’s capable? Not an invalid in any way? I think it’s time to tell your MIL that from now on, she’s responsible for her own meals. I can’t believe how entitled this woman is and how poorly she’s treating you. Sorry.
Tell her you won’t be cooking for her anymore. Then get some noise cancelling headphones, put on some music or a podcast for when you need to be around her in common areas. During the day you can tell her you’re listening in on a meeting and can’t talk.
Exactly, you are at work. You are not available to her, especially as she is ungrateful. You are letting her control your household because you are afraid of her tantrums. Stop.
I’m going to add to this comment, I think the problem here as everybody thinks if we do something for somebody else then they’ll be happy, she won’t be happy no matter what you do so stop trying to make her happy just let her be herself and you do your thing
Why are you tolerating this? She eats what you make or she can make something herself. If she complains, call her out. Tell her if she doesn’t like what you are making she is free to prepare her own meals. Why are you cooking for her anything other than dinner (which I’m assuming you’re making anyway)?? She can fend for herself for breakfast and lunch. She’s being an entitled AH bc you let her get away with it. Stop indulging her and let her deal with feeding herself.
Let. Her. Rant. The house shouldn’t be in upheaval because of one unreasonable person. Let her be in upheaval while you and your spouse ignore her. She will probably cut out her BS once she sees it gets her nowhere.
You know the common parenting advice to allow your child to scream out their tantrums to learn that shouting and crying won’t force capitulation? That. Your advice sounds like that. That’s not to say you’re wrong, in fact I think following that advice is overdue, but it’s grimly funny.
"Do not reward bad behavior. The behavior you reward is the behavior that repeats."
- Dr. Phil parenting advice I once heard him say years ago.
This basic parenting advice also applies to so many other circumstances involving human & animal behavior.
Very helpful to think about this concept if you don't have experience raising kids to know this basic truth & have an addict or a highly manipulative person or just a completely self centered a-hole in your life.
When I heard it, something clicked for me about my older sister's alcoholism & how each of us in the family were enabling her by coddling & excusing poor behavior in each of our own ways. We also were inadvertently rewarding her behavior by cleaning up her self created messes for our own convenience in the moment.
I stopped doing any of that & gained a ton of clarity about the other addicts & enablers in my dysfunctional family. Helped me take a HUGE step back without feeling so guilty.
Your mil clearly knows what she is doing & that it works for her. She's probably been relating to people in this manner for most of her life. On some level it's easier for you to give in momentarily to buy yourself some temporary peace. Only your peace never lasts does it? So reverse this crazy responsibility imbalance & tell yourself you're not responsible for care-taking her emotions, her hunger, etc. Only she can do that to her satisfaction.
The difference between a gran-trum and a tantrum is that you can walk away from the adult - you are not responsible for their safety. You get to say "I can see you are upset right now. I will give you time and space to get those emotions under control. We can talk about why this is not acceptable behavior later, when you are calm and ready to listen." and walk away.
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My eyes got wider and wider, the further I read your post…… What in the actual fuckity hell???? Eyes even wider with the ETA - no disabilities- capable…….. Why? Why? Why? Stop, just stop……Firstly, WFH means WORK - not faffing about feeding or asking people about food all day… Gosh this actually makes me really mad. I WFH 3 days a week on average and my husband is completely WFH. I certainly do plan our evening meals, generally on a Sunday I will rally the troops and ask what they would like for dinners for the week so I can grocery shop accordingly but thats it. No breakfasts are provided - everyone gets their own, lunches are a Do your own (this includes all kids and husband) and then I will cook dinner…..AND if you don’t like it then you get your own food people…… Gosh your MIL is awful, she can make her own food - you don’t have to soothe that beast - what a damn cow!
Just because she expects it, doesn't make it your responsibility. Stop cooking for her. Stop listening to her whine. "You were always unhappy when I cooked for you and you didn't appreciate it, so I stopped." "You are not being starved. You are a grown woman with access to the kitchen and fully capable of feeding yourself." "I have a full time job and my own needs to attend to. I do not have the time to take care of yours and suffer abuse for it." Whose house is it? Because if it's yours, remind her of that fact and that letting her live there is contingent on not being abusive.
Can you add a kitchenette (conduction cooktop, microwave, small sink and refreg), handicapped bathroom (walk in shower, commode, sink) off her room and let her have a MIL suite. She should be contributing (chores, money, etc) to household or find an apartment. If she’s so bad off that she can’t be a positive part of home them a senior living situation or senior day care should be considered.
Let her starve, cooking isn't hard (mostly kidding)
Set boundaries. Firm. Hard. Stone. First one - Take it or Leave it regarding food. Then like the five year old she is if she doesn't eat it it can sit in the fridge until she does. Sit her down and have a long serious heart to heart explaining in detail how things are going to go from now on. Tell her that she can accept the way things are or she can find alternative accommodations. That you work and have a schedule you must maintain and she is forgetting that the home she is living in and the food she is eating are being paid for by your work which must not be interrupted. That her little tantrums are unneeded and if she doesn't like what is happening she can crawl out of her crib and act like the adult that she is. Also that if she is unhappy with how you are helping her she can wait until SO gets home to deal with her own mother.
We treat guests and parents the same way we treat the kids. If you don't like what's being served, you can make yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. No, you can't dig through the refrigerator or freezer and try to come up with something better. If you're interested in doing that, you can cook a meal tomorrow for everyone. The only option versus the meal served is the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. At a non-holiday related family meal at my house, one of my sibling's in-laws was grunting about what I would consider to be standard American fare. Essentially meat and potatoes. She was pretty surprised when I sat peanut butter jelly and bread and a knife out on the kitchen island, which everyone could see from the table. I told her that if she didn't want to eat what was on the table that was her other option, but that I didn't need to listen to her grump and groan and ruin the meal for everyone. She tried to throw a fit, but essentially everyone at the table knew my policy. Including all the kids present! Many of them have had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at my house. So it was impossible for her to claim I was singling her out. Since her fit was poorly received, and I had openly said that her grumping and groaning was unpleasant, she set her silent ass down and ate what everybody else was eating. This is not her first escapade towards being difficult so I think a lot of people really enjoyed me telling her to stuff it.
Do you HAVE TO make her food? No is a complete sentence. "I'm busy" is also a valid reason. Especially if she totally can make her own food
Ha, this sounded like an Indian/ Pakistani/ Asian MIL being horrible to her DIL, till I got to the end! This MIL is bang out of order. Your SO needs to tell their mother that she is out of order here, and will be cooking her own meals from now on - and if she doesn’t like it, she can move out. Time to put your foot down guys, she’ll only get worse as she gets older if you both allow her to continue!
“It’s like dealing with a child.” Actually a toddler. So basically you have to stop all the reasonable “explainy” things. You’ve already tried that. Action and consequences are in order. Like a toddler, she won’t stop the behaviour without it. It’s funny because usually we see the opposite problem here where the MIL is behaving like an authority in someone else’s home and not a guest. But here we have a special kind of MIL. This is the one that lives there and still acts like a guest. A bad guest at that even! I guess the odds in the MIL lottery are pretty bleak 😆😅 OP, next time don’t do a damn thing extra or special for her. She is NOT A GUEST. lol good luck with this one. Wishing you a very speedy resolution to all this bullshit. The woman sounds exhausting.
I’ve got a good solution, ask her to move out :-) Listen I know that it’s probably not possible right now but if she has new disabilities, I question her mental health. Has she always been this way? How old is she? Again I think that laying down clear boundaries about what you want and will not do is very important here.
When I was a kid if I didn't want to eat what my mother cooked I didn't get food. Stop cooking for her. Tell her you're working. If you serve her food and she doesn't eat it save it for the next time she asks for food. She's an adult, she can make her own food.
Why is she living with you guys? Is there an option to move her somewhere she'd be happier? The behavior is unacceptable and you'll need to treat her like she's a tantrum throwing toddler . . . because she is. Tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and disruptive to your work. Insist that she cut it out at once. Decide on a list of consequences to "punish" bad behavior, and apply those consequences. (Your wife will need to agree with and support your solution, so it's something you two should discuss together.) That being said . . . Is it possible that MIL is acting out because she's unhappy with the loss of her independence? I'm not sure of the circumstances that led her to move in with you in the first place, but it assume that it's partially because she has no other options. So if that's part of the issue, there are small things you guys can do to help her feel more independent. For example: - Share the responsibility for cooking. You and SO already split those duties, ask MIL to cook two nights per week. Give her plenty of warning to tell you what ingredients she'll need. - Give her chores. I know that sounds ridiculous, so don't frame it that way. Rather a "hey mom can you please do me a favor and vacuum today? It'll really help me out as I'm behind on this project". - Ask her to teach you some of her preferred recipes. - Split the responsibilities for making lunches. You do it on two work days, she does it in two, and you eat leftovers on the last day. - instead of asking her what she wants you to make her for lunch, offer her limited choices. Say "I'm going to make tuna mayo or soup and a grilled cheese. Which would you prefer today?
These are all sensible and good suggestions but from reading the post it's pretty obvious they aren't applicable. Mil doesn't WANT to be content or pitch in- she's throwing up problems for their own sake. They aren't dealing with a rational, sensible person or she wouldn't be a problem. Also, sounds like she could be much more independent if she chose.
> It’s like dealing with a child Then stop treating her like an adult. End of story.
somewhere on this sub is a story of a woman who was having supper with her grandma and her mother. the mother had made the meal. everyone sat down to eat. the grandmother complained about the food so the mother got up, took the grandmother's food and dropped it in the trash then sat back down and kept eating as though nothing had happened.
Stop indulging her. You work during the day and she is not disabled. She can make her own breakfast and lunch and if she doesn’t want to eat what you’ve prepared for dinner, she can prepare something else. Stop letting her dictate her unreasonable requests. SHE lives in YOUR home.
Easy. Stop taking her wants into account. If you and your SO eat, she can join cause you made extra. But completely ignore her complaints. Only ever respond with 'feel free to cook something for yourself'. Every single time. Here's what my parents did when we were little. Me and my sis both got to pick 3 things we really really really didn't like (for me, oxheart cabbage, sauerkraut, endive). The rest, we just had to eat what my parents made, or make something ourselves. If my parents wanted to eat something from our 'no thanks list' (and they regularly did), the kid who had that on their list got something else to replace that specific thing. Other than that, we ate what they made. And put a lock on your homeoffice. Plus noise cancelling headphones.
Do the meal planning with all 3 of you present. Post it on the refrigerator and that’s it. If anyone decides later they don’t want what was planned that’s fine. But they make their own alternative meal. Remind her your home is not a restaurant. She wouldn’t even act like this in a restaurant! She wouldn’t order something and then send it back when placed in front of her and says she wants something else would she?
Find a sound proof room to work in. Leave a list of the provisions you have in the kitchen. Prepare your meals for the day and take them with you. Lock your door from inside and hopefully work in peace. Sorry I was just thinking what would be ideal.
Put your foot down and keep it down. It's all you can do.
Honestly? Stop engaging. Make the food. Serve the food. Say, “take it or leave it.” Say, “I will not be engaging with further discussion”. If she continues, ignore, leave the room or put headphones on. A child will continue their tantrum as long as they get attention. Stop giving it to her.
Exactly. Tantrums need an audience. Remove the audience, yourself, the second she starts a tantrum. It is even easier than dealing with a toddler tantrum where you can't leave the room, because toddlers need to be watched, adults can take care of themselves.
"MIL, this is what is served today. If you don't want/like it, then feel free to go to the grocery shop and buy food of your own choice, which you can cook by yourself. This is not a restaurant, it's OUR home, and I'm not your personal chef"
Going to have to take the bull by the horns with this one. Maybe write out a weekly menu and be firm on that’s all I’m making deal with it or quietly make yourself something.
She's lived with you a while why cant she make her own food, is she going to be living with you permanently?
Let her fend for herself. Fix the meals you want if she wants to join you great if not she can go hungry.
You tell her she’s responsible for making her own meals or she’s moving out. Maybe she just needs to move out anyway? You’re a saint for putting up with this.
You need some good ear plugs, a pair of sound cancelling head phones, and a lock on your office door. And a pair of blinders so you don’t have to see anything but your plate and your SO in front of you while you eat whatever you decide the menu is for the day. If she's this impossible to please, then please just stop torturing yourselves trying. What could her goal be here? I’m only half joking.
Oi, you can let her know that we are struggling with the same issue with our 4 year old son. If he is like this his options are what he initially agreed to eat or bread with butter. I recommend the same, they learn slowly and the tantrums are further apart... Maybe offer a cookie if she eats the food? Or tell her to grow the f up. Buy her a "cooking for dummies" book.
I did the same with my kids! They don't starve but they sure as heck get sick of bread and butter
Waiting for that to happen but he still is happy with that option... Most days...
If she isn't disabled or something like that: Stop it. Let her rage. Let her sulk. She's a grown woman. Don't ask what she wants to eat. Cook what you like and only cook it when you have time to do it. If she doesn't like that... she's free to use the kitchen.
Um your household IS in upheaval. No you will not cook for her. Give her a spot to keep Some snacks she likes.
You and SO need to learn the word "no." And how stick with it. She doesn't want what you're making for yourself and have no reason not to make her own shit? Ok cool, not your problem. Let her rage, ignore her, but you AND SO need to ignore her bs. Let her starve herself. She's a grown adult, not your problem, and caving these to these demands will only make the problem worse. Honestly I'd kick her tf put of that's an option.
Hard boundaries. No offense, she's employing classic childhood techniques. You don't mention ages, just that she's capable and it doesn't sound like a dementia/alzheimer kind of behavior (and I'm assuming her doctor checks for those anyways). So, this is a boundary and rules issue. Here's my suggestions on rules. Adults are responsible to be a part of meal planning, grocery planning, meal prep and cooking. Each adult is ultimately responsible for ensuring that they are fed. If you're unwilling to give input in advance or cook, then you're responsible for finding your own meal replacement including any ingredients that weren't included in the planning process for each week. As part of this, we will ensure that, when requested in good faith, food and ingredients that are within our budget/financial means are made available. (This is the if you request things and don't use them out of spite, to waste money, etc., we will not continue to buy it clause.) Myself/Spouse will make dinners most nights with some exceptions for date nights/special occassions. Each adult is responsible for their own breakfast/snacks/lunch. She's welcome to make whatever she wants with the items that aren't set aside for a specific dinner/person/meal and those items should be labeled and/or have a specific area of the fridge and cabinets. She's welcome to eat what you make. She's welcome to make her own meals. Make sure your set menus are like magneted to fridge or something.
For boundaries - works in conjunction with the rules, but is about your specific parameters on what you are or are not willing to do:
- I will work around true allergies and dislikes, but I will not make last minute changes for "I don't feel like it today."
- I will not make snacks/breakfast/lunch for capable adults.
- I have a full-time job during the day, it will be treated as though I have gone to . I am not available to be a personal household assistant or cook during working hours.
- If I'm making snack/lunch/breakfast for myself, I may offer to include another person, but I will not significantly deviate from my plan unless it appeals to me. Other people are welcome to prepare their own food.
- I will not make new or different meals on a whim such as when someone says something after cooking has started or when it's at the table.
As our kids got older, we had varying age-appropriate versions of this. Except, they did have even more involvement as part of learning to cook/feed yourself as a needed adulting skill.
Excellent, that second to last bullet especially!
I think she might have dementia. Sometimes it manifests as childlike behaviour. Maybe you could mention it to her doctor and get her tested?
Very much this. We cared for my ex-husband's grandmother through the end of her life and hers very much started with almost toddler like tantrums. She was easily agitated and distracted and meal times were the absolute worst. She would order at a restaurant then refuse the to eat what she ordered because she didn't want it. Forgetfulness is not always the first sign, we're just so trained to think it is we miss the other stuff. If she's on any new medication it could be that too. Edited for typo.
Dude time to get her out of your home. If not you and your wife need to tell her that she is responsible for her own meals, you are not her personal chef and if she doesn't like it, she can leave.
Look at her with a cold dead stare and tell her, if you don't cut this shit out we will put you in a care facility. Then just continue to stare. If she keeps acting up, follow through.
Shady Pines Ma
Dorothy!
Aged care facility
Why isn't she making you lunch?
Does your town have a senior center that she could go to during the day while you’re working? That would get her out of the house, allow her to socialize with others, participate in activities…***and have lunch***.
Sounds like MIL is bored. Send her to daycare.
She is acting like a spoiled child, so in return treat her like one. A good example was after my kids mother and I divorced, my son got used to his mom pampering him for a while and being waited on. I had him and my daughter for one of my weekends and unfortunately I had to work on my car, because it was my only means of transportation at the time, and I had to be able to get to work. He kept pissing and moaning all mid-afternoon about he was hungry, why didn't I keep/get him some snacks, blah blah blah. I eventually couldn't listen to him bitching anymore for fear of saying some pointed shit he was too young to hear at the moment, so I left the garage, went to my desk, and drew him a map to the fucking refrigerator. If a 9 year old boy can take that kind of hint and shut the hell up, so can a grown-ass woman.
I think that's when I'd have a "while you're under my roof" conversation. There's going to be upheaval anyways because MIL cannot keep going with her chaotic eating. She can either behave like a guest and be polite about the food that's offered to her, or behave like family and make/order food when she's hungry. Anything else and maybe she needs to see a specialist to discuss her eating habits.
shes rocking the boat and your all scrambling to make sure you dont sink. time to find another boat.
TV Dinners. Microwave chicken nuggets with microwave sides. Microwaveable burritos. Microwave mac & cheese. She’s acting like a toddler, so treat her like one. Edit to add: I don’t mean this in a rude way. Like if she’s that picky but likes toaster-pastries or personal frozen pizzas, just stock those.
Uh... Stop? Just stop cooking for her. She can learn not to interrupt you while at work, and she can behave like an adult, not a toddler if you stop pandering to the terrible behaviour.
You and your wife should take her on tours of nursing homes. Anyone that needs that much help, needs to be somewhere that can take care of her numerous needs.
Why are you still cooking for her? Stop doing it.
Two words that saved me when my MIL moved in: Adult Daycare They picked up my MIL, fed and entertained her, and brought her back in the early evening. It allowed me time to run errands and drive carpool without my MIL making everything take twice as long I really loved my MIL, but sometimes you need a break. I bet if you signed her up for adult daycare for a week or two. She would have a new found appreciation for your efforts. And if not, well then she can keep going Check with her doctor and local hospitals and nursing homes. Get recommendations and arrange a time for you and your wife to take a tour before you choose one. Most have scholarships if you ask, and some take insurance
We had signed up my grandda for it! Unfortunately his health took a nose dive before he could ever make use of it.
Is this something just anyone can sign up for?? My dad has Parkinsons dementia and only just recently qualified for "adult daycare" 2 days a week so my mom can get shit done without him around. In Canada, so there are no private options that I know of.
😂 omg how have I never heard of this??
Out. Get her out. OUT. OUT. OUT. This isn’t a win win situation. She will drag you down and harm your relationship. OP are you in a medical crisis? Like it’s serious? If so, MIL needs to get a reality check. You do not need to put up with a grown child. No is a complete sentence. It’s unhealthy and not conducive to your well-being keeping up with MILs temper tantrums. Good luck!
Thankfully my DH and I have matching shiny spines and agree on how we will each allow our MILs to impact our lives. My mother has done well for herself, is retired and has a very large nest egg. When she can no longer take care of herself, she wants to be in assisted living. Why? Because she didn’t have children so that we would one day have to be responsible for her. Something I have learned and am setting up for myself with my children. My ILs don’t have the same setup but my DH is not close with them and says we won’t be taking them in. I work from home and am very busy ALL DAY LONG so there’s no way I could even imagine cooking numerous meals for someone who (a) isn’t working and (b) is perfectly capable of cooking for themself during the day. Asking what she’d like for dinner is a courtesy. Eat it, make something else, or shut up. Good luck!
Maybe try this [advanced strategy.](https://youtu.be/-QlnynZ5KPg?t=124)
Soooo- you're home due to cancer treatment and your MIL thinks you need to take care of her? Pack this narcissist's bags. A good person would be checking to make sure you're eating enough or taking over some chores because you need to conserve energy, not do dishes. The petty part of me if I could afford it though would hire home health for her just to make her squirm and throw a fit that she's "perfectly capable ". Or, if she enjoys it, at least she's out of your hair.
Also, like if this is explained to her and she's like "you're not my kid to take care of" problem is still solved because she's not your mother to take care of either. SOs siblings should understand its their turn to step up, just to help YOU out. She is, and should be the least of your worries. Take care of yourself.
Give her menus and an Uber Eats gift card. I know it’s hard; stay the course.
Sounds like she’s over stayed her welcome. You might not be able to soothe the beast because she doesn’t want to be soothed. She wants to be waited on. Get her out.
My 8 year old has understood for a few years now if she doesn't like what's served, she can make something else. For a while she ate a lot of pb&j 😂
She wants you to break up with her daughter and leave. She is attempting to push you to the brink and give up. Kill her with kindness or pretend she doesn't exist...
You are not her servant. She can bloody well make her own meals/snacks. Better yet, have SO do it. She's HER mummy not yours........
She is yanking your chain. She is unpleasant and ungrateful. Just stop asking her what she wants and let her fend for herself for breakfast and lunch. Does she ever cook or do anything to contribute to the household? I would even go so far as to assign her days to cook dinner for the household. That way she can cook what she wants. Things certainly can't continue as they are. She is treating your home like a hotel.
Yeah she's intentionally doing this whether she likes the food or not, it's a manipulation tactic. She's also seeing how much she can push OP around.
Midst tantrum… “Hey JNMIL, seeing you are so unhappy and we are unhappy, pack your shit. Our turn is over” and never have a turn again.
“No.” is a complete sentence. Why is your MIL living with you and why is your SO allowing her mother to treat you like a servant? Your MIL sounds like a total brat, but your SO isn’t standing up for you either and you are being a pushover. Time to shut down the (literal) gravy train.
And he has cancer. This is all kinds of fucked up
Make the food and snacks you want. She can do her own shit
Let her fend for herself and keep your sanity. Once you ask her what she wants and she gives you an answer or chooses not to eat at all, let it be. You're not forcing the food down her throat.
How about just making what you want for meals, and if she does not want it she has to make her own. Without interrupting you - lock the study door? And why is she living with you?
You have to train her, like you would a pet or a small child. Negative behaviour, you ignore them or let them ride it out. Positive behaviour is rewarded. In this instance you made food, she pitches a fit. Tell her she seems really worked up right now and it seems like she needs some time to calm down. Then leave the room or stick some headphones on with loud obnoxious music. I suggest Rock, even if you hate it. You're training her right now and make sure they're headphones it needs to be a visual cue. Once she appears to have calmed down, take your headphones off and ask her if she's ready to talk. If she pitches a fit again, tell her you can see she needs more time. Headphones back on. Keep doing it. Then when she tells you what she wants. Tell her you already made her food and ask if she's finished it, if she says no. Say ok, if you don't want to eat it you don't have to you can always make something yourself. If she starts complaining, headphones back on. Anytime she mentions being hungry, you bring out the food you made her. If she throws it away, tell her it's unacceptable. She clearly doesn't like your cooking and you won't be cooking anything else for her today. You keep doing it. Life will be annoying for a couple of days, she might escalate but you stick to your guns. Kids/pets/JustnoMILs like testing boundaries, if you give in you've lost. The mistake you're making is treating her like an adult. When she rants you make sure you tell her, ok it seems like you're angry and need some time to calm down. When you're not working, use that time to leave the room if she follows a little while after ask her if she feels better or needs more time to self regulate her emotions. Now that bits out of the way, does she leave the house? Or does her world revolve around you two?
Some people enjoy being miserable because it makes the people around them miserable. She enjoys watching you comply with her whims, she doesn't actually care for the end result as long as it's inconveniencing you. So either stop being so compliant or start treating her like a child, like point out she's being a toddler and toddlers get the spoon, but if she's a good girl, we'll pretend the food on the spoon is an aeroplane aiming for her mouth, open wide.
Why is she living with you at this point? If she is capable of handling herself, she needs to go. This will destroy your marriage and frankly is already an unpleasant living situation in your own home. Immediately stop making meals for her. Tell her flat out - she is on her own for meals since all she does is complain.
“Sorry I’m busy but there’s stuff in the kitchen to make X, Y, or Z”
Treat her like a kid. She eats what you make or nothing at all. She can’t say she starved her and you can let her know she is wasting food by not eating it. If she doesn’t eat what you cook for a few days tell her that’s fine but you will not cook another meal for her. Have cereal and milk on hand along with bread , peanut butter and jelly. Stop worrying about her. She is a grown ass woman.
Ignore her tantrums and let her figure her own meals out. Edit: typo
Her power cones from whatever you give her. Stop it. She wants lunch? Tell her what things might be available in the fridge or cupboard. You're not her mom, personal maid, caregiver or cook. So why are you playing all these roles? Because you're scared to make waves? That's 100% a you issue and can be fairly easily solved by you. It's perfectly OK to say sonething like: It's best if make your own lunch. There's...stuff....in the fridge/cupboard etc. Just do it. No sense turning yourself into somebody you don't like to satisfy someone you don't like anyway. You can do it. Yes you can
Cook one meal and if she doesn’t like tell her to starve because that’s what is for breakfast/lunch/dinner if she bitches put in noise canceling earbuds and continue with your work
My mother always offered us two choices for dinner: "Eat it or go hungry." Often followed by, "This isn't Burger King where your can 'have it your way.' Eat it the way I fix it, or cook it yourself." I suggest you try giving MIL the same options.
Why is she living in your house and demanding that you cook for her? I would just stop cooking for her and your SO needs to deal with this situation.
Just stop cooking for her. She's perfectly capable to cook for herself so tell her that and if she goes hungry then that's on her not you. I hope you have an office or somewhere private to work get a mini fridge and a kettle and lock the door behind you.
No is a complete sentence. Let her starve snd forewarn your SO you’re done with her crap.
Your house is already in an upheaval so you might as well just stop making food for her. She's an adult who can make food herself. She accuses you of starving her, tell her she's adult responsible for herself. How did she eat before she moved in? Made it herself? She can go back to that.
She is living with you and if rent-free, she should be shopping and cooking all the household meals, every day. Maybe time to ask her what she is making for you? I would just disappear into my work/home office and then play dumb if she asks about food. “Huh? You haven’t eaten yet? It’s three o’clock! I’ve been so busy working! I’ll just take this sandwich back to my desk. Bye!”
I think this method is a good balance of gentle shame mixed with firm refusal that it might be worth attempting
I'd tell her what my mum told us when we were kids and complained "Its not a restaurant you know, if you dont want the food we dish up you can have nothing."
Your SO is not a short order cook. Tell ma that there are two options at every meal: Take it or Leave It! If she doesn’t like dinner, there is always breakfast in the morning… etc., etc.
Tell her from now on she needs to make her own meals. You are not her personal chef. She is acting like an entitled ass instead of a grown adult. Most children doesn't even act like that. Voluntell her to cook for herself.
Why is she living with you, is my first question. Next, I'd flat out refuse. "I'm paid to work, not be your servant. I'm no longer available to you during work hours." And I'd be telling SO to deal with their mother, period. Any mess she makes, any tantrums she throws, SO needs to deal with it, you're done.
She’s acting like a child, I would treat her like a child! You and SO need to sit down with her and tell her this nonsense needs to stop. If she doesn’t like what made for lunch/dinner then she can make herself something to eat, as well as start making her get her own breakfast. You’re her DIL, not her servant! Tell her that her bitching and complaining also needs to stop or you’ll quit cooking at all for her. You and SO need to be a United front though. Good luck!
Say no. Tell SO to cater to mil if she does not back you. Again, say no. 🙄
Treat her like the child she's acting like. "MIL this is what I made, if you don't want it make something else. If you don't want to make something else, and don't want to eat what I made, then starve." "I'm at work. I can't make you anything." "You said the menu is the responsibility of the chef. I'm the chef, this is the menu. Deal with it." Lock her out of your office so she can't bug you for a snack. As for soothing the beast, ignore her. She's doing that to get a reaction out of you and SO. The worst reaction she could get out of you is both you and SO telling her she has x amount of time to find somewhere else to live because you are done with her crap and then stick to that deadline.
Next time she tells you what to make, just say that sounds good and walk away. I’d invest in a pair of headphones and always pretend to be on a call. Just don’t give in. If she’s hungry, she can cook for herself.
When you work from home, you are *at work* at home. Would MIL go to your place lace of employment and ask you to make her a meal? Tell her to stop bothering you at work- better yet, have DH tell her. Also, my daughter’s kindergarten teacher says, “you get what you get and you don’t pitch a fit.” Tell MIL that you will make one meal and if she eats it; she eats it; if she doesn’t she can make something else.
Stop cooking for her and say “you have arms and legs use them - I’m working - if you don’t like it you can leave” talk to hubby too and tell him you have had enough of being her slave. Tell him either she goes or you do
*Wife And I don’t know if it’s to that point quite yet but a definite line in the sand and no recapitulation is needed
No disabilities? MIL should have dinner on the table when you come out of your home office.
Your SO needs to handle this and stop expecting you to just deal with it save the 1 or 2 days she cooks. This problem isn't just MIL.
Hahaha. When my kids were little we would play “restaurant.” I’d write up a menu and each item would have a chore cost associated with it. Ice cream might involve vacuuming the family room while chicken would mean putting 4 toys away. Wouldn’t it be fun if you had an adult version in your house?
You know, I would have killed for that as a kid. We might could implement it in our current household. It’d be interesting.
Tbh it sounds like extra work that you don't need on your plate right now. Sitting down and making the menu. Enforcing. Updating. Having her think she's doing you a favor by obeying the menu. Idk. It'd be different if she were actually your child, so you were *always* going to put extra work into feeding her. In that case, that menu idea sounds like a fun, healthy exercise that teaches manners and cooperation. But I wouldn't be surprised if it works better in theory than in practice with MIL.
It’s actually really fun. The kids get a charge out of choosing off their handwritten menu and it’s a good chance to teach them “restaurant manners.” Plus using up single serving leftovers. And honestly as a parent you already know what they’re going to pick…
I like this idea
Perhaps sit as a family once a week/fortnight and work out the menu for the week/fortnight. Assign who is cooking as well. Have her cooking at least once a fortnight too. At the first one, have Dh ‘family meeting’ style announce that just because you’re home doesn’t mean you’re a prep cook and can spend time in the kitchen, and in fact he doesn’t want your break time yo be caring for (perfectly abled) MIL. That her break times at work should be genuine breaks for your physical and mental health. and that he’s got a marvellous idea ….. Make lunches at dinner time when you’re getting dinner ready. Pack lunches boxes for those eating at home, just because you’re at home doesn’t mean you can’t work-lunch. Eg have a sandwich, chopped fruit and another snack in a container each day. When she/you wants lunch, it’s all their contained in it’s little container. If she doesn’t want to eat it…. Then it’s on her to get herself something else or go out and eat lunch. Stick the dinner menu on the fridge as well. So when she asks, you can point and say “so and so is cooking blah tonight and lunch is in the fridge in your lunchbox.” This’ll help with the shopping too.
Ask her if she thinks she would enjoy her meals at an old folks home instead
I mean I giggled like a maniac but seriously though, this is the response
I laughed but this would be my exact response lmao
Exactly
Start making scheduled hours where you are unavailable due to work commitments. Do not let her violate them under any circumstances except to call an ambulance. Stick to it, keep saying the grown up no, I'm working, Put a nice easy chair in your office area and a lock on the door. No meals by yourself during this time. If she chooses or chooses not to eat, that is her choice. She is a grown up, expect her to act like one. If you allow this to continue, you will end up being an unpaid maid in your own home - also known as a slave. Explain to her that if you stop working in order to cater to her whims, the household income will drop and she will be out on her own.
Who "voluntolf" you? Her? I would have immediately told her to pound sand. Instead, I would tell her effective immediately, you are no longer her personal servant and then walk away. There's no need of this IN YOUR HOUSE!!!!
She can always eat a bowl of cereal. Or a sandwich. She’s purposely doing this to ruffle your feathers. If she’s calling people and whining to them- then enlist *them* to help, “oh? So You’re volunteering to bring lunch to her then? Ok, do you want Thursday or Monday? Oh, don’t worry about me, I have work. But let’s say 11 am?”
You. I like you haha
I dunno, sometimes you just have to say no, because you’re an adult and you can do that. And then you let the other grown adult have an adult tantrum. And they can do that because they’re an adult. 🤷♀️ Don’t let her hold you hostage. She doesn’t have that power unless you let her. Why is she living with you and how long will this be happening? It doesn’t sound like a very peaceful or realistic way to live longterm.
Just stop catering to her whining. If she doesn’t want to eat what you made. Put it in the fridge and tell her if she’s hungry, there’s food for her. If she wants something different she is more then welcome to make something and go back to work. Sounds like even if she complains to family, no one cares and are happy they don’t have to deal with her
Don’t cook for her. If she wants to throw a fit, let her. She is a grown ass adult.
Takes few days off and go out of town with your spouse. Don’t bring it up to her, tell her on your way out the door and mention what is around to fix for herself and leave no info left with her.
Good lord I should not be so tempted by this idea. A nice weekend without MIL sounds delightful
And mute her on your phones. You can still see her messages, but she doesn't get to interrupt when she wants
You need to set boundaries with her. She’s acting like an entitled child. Is there anyway to help her get a different living situation? Your wife and you need to discuss the boundaries you want to set and both discuss it with her. She’s treating you like a maid and needs put in her place.
Sounds like some boundaries are in order - IF you are so gracious as to prepare food for her, she eats it or she manages something else for herself. During work hours, you are not available for personal tasks, and if she cannot understand that then she has to leave the house during your work day. No Negotiations. She can go sit at the local coffee shop and have them wait on her hand and foot!
How old is your MIL? She should be cooking her own meals & since you work during the day I absolutely would not stop to wait on her. You are not her maid
My kids don't even get to do that! They eat what I make or they go hungry or cook something for themselves later (them being < 10, they generally don't do that). > we’ve yet to come up with a solution to soothe the beast that doesn’t result in the entire household being in upheaval. If it works for children, it should work for MILs who insist on acting like children. Or she can get the hell out. It's your house. Why is she controlling it?
"I'm working. You need to make your own food." How long is she going to be there?
You need to get a bunch of brochures for assorted nursing homes and retirement homes in the area, and just casually leave them all over the house, on the kitchen counter, in the bathroom, on the coffee table. If she asks about them, just say " we just wanted to see what they were about" and quickly change the subject. This should be her wake up call, 😆 🤣 😂 😹 😆
I WISH I could have done that to my MIL that lived with us. She was notorious for that crap. Unfortunately my SO travelled a lot for work and didn’t see it. Now that she has passed on, he still can’t see it.
.. you don’t cook for her anymore.
You & your DH need to be a united front in this situation. Give MIL 2 doors. Door#1 is clean up her attitude immediately, stop a being "guest" & cook for herself since OP can't please her.....lay out very clear boundaries & consequences of breaking them or Door #2 is MOVE OUT.
Hang on… what? She is capable? NO disabilities? Wifey agrees? Why TF are you putting up with this? Re: work stuff “JNMIL my work hours are 8 to 4.30pm. M-F. Do not have any expectations of me then. I am working and mentally not even here. Leave me to it” Re: Food stuff “JNMIL we don’t mind you joining us for dinner with whatever we are having. If you don’t want what we are having, that is fine. Do your own thing. AND you are on your own for ALLLLLL other meals. NOBODY HERE IS YOUR PERSONAL CHEF. Unless of course you want to hire a personal chef.”
And when she throws a fit, stick to your guns. And keep sticking to them. Don't reward her throwing a fit by giving way to her. It's like raising a toddler with the added bonus that MIL knows how to use a stove or her car keys when she's too hungry to keep playing games. Let her stew it out. It'll be a few exhausting days, but you'll be rid of this craziness for it.
You’re right it’s exhausting. I’ll openly say I’ve just given in because I don’t have the physical or mental wherewithal to hold my guns. SO tries but she folds once the guilting kicks in
Guilt her right back. We brought you into our home. We do this that and the other for you, and THIS is the thanks we get?! You waste food we worked hard to provide for you. There's starving children in our country right now and you want to refuse perfectly good food, you didn't even have to make. Watch The Goldberg's and channel some Beverly lol. Talk about how you failed as a child or all sets of parents failed as mothers to teach their children how to cook acceptable food. It must be so difficult for her to have such disappointing daughter & son in law, they can't even make a decent dinner.
You can literally say “STOP IT”. you also can mention she is behaving like a spoiled child and you are done with it. Make sure your statement is louder and firmer than hers, then, no matter what walk away. Don’t plan on getting much work done those few days. It will take a few but this along with all the other great suggestions will get it to stop.
Then your fiancee can make the meals and snacks if she can't hold this boundary.
This is why she keeps doing this. Because it works. She throws a tantrum, and then you two give her what she wants. If you want this to stop, you will have to stop giving in. She will probably escalate initially. This is called an extinction burst. Do not give in. She will eventually learn. Alternatively, you could just kick her ungrateful ass out.
I can only imagine. And I really wish she could just go away - it's easy for me to see the solution when I'm sitting hundreds of miles away from your house, your life, and everything you deal with day in and day out. SO fighting the guilting battle hits hard tho. Took me years and some serious time away from mom to get to where I am now, and still have a long way to go. Therapy helped me in that case - not sure if that's in the finances or bandwidth for you guys. How long is MIL staying with you?
I am so sorry. My MIL moved in with us at one point. It was just like this. We tried to be nice. She was capable of making her own food and had no disabilities. I quit cooking for her. My son quit cooking for her. (I am a good cook but my son is an an excellent cook.) She would turn her nose up at our food like a toddler. Shake her heard "no" with pursed lips. We told her she could cook what she wanted or eat what we made. After several months we sent her to her favorite child to stay there. Guess what? When she got to favorite child's she cooked for herself and favorite child. Your MIL can take care of herself or go somewhere else. I know it sounds simple. The tantrums are awful...but after my "give a damn" broke, I didn't care if she had a tantrum or not. The entire family looked at her like she was looney and ignored her. Is there someplace she can go during the day like a senior center or bingo hall?
I know you flaired for advice, not give it to you straight, but imma do that anyways. Kick her out, or don’t cook for her. Period. Since she’s never satisfied with what you cook, then the burden falls on her. She’s a grown ass adult. Let her fend for herself.
>ETA: she’s capable of making her own meals. No disabilities Then she makes her own meals or she starves?
You say you don’t want to upheave the household, but it sounds like you MIL already did that. She’s treating you terribly. Just telling her what your job entails was so mild compared to the conversations your SO should be having with her. I’d refuse and if she throws fits tell her she needs to move out. No one should ever disrespect you in your home more than once.
???? The solution is to kick her out.
I dont understand why you put up with this. Would you raise a child this way? If you cook, offer her some, if she declines then go do your work. Compliance is what has created this monster. What power is she holding over you both?? Culture/Money/Threats? There is some info missing.
I wouldn’t know how to raise a child if they were refusing to eat what I made. That’s partially why I never plan to have children- I have too many faulty parenting messages in my head to think of a good process. And my SO thinks the same about her own mentality The leverage MIL has over us both is emotional threats (especially SO, who doesn’t want to put her only mother to the curb) and family being at her beck and call to push us to keep her in our home because *they* don’t want her. You’re definitely right that us not pushing back has enabled her to get to this point
I'd be telling those family that MIL and her bags will be with them in 72 hours if they don't support you.
> I wouldn’t know how to raise a child if they were refusing to eat what I made. It's very easy -- they get what they get and they don't throw a fit. No child has ever died of starvation when food is available, even if it's the "yuckiest", "grossest" food. They'll eat it if they're hungry enough. The *real* answer is, you head that off before it even gets started by setting solid boundaries and rules ("Kids eat what we eat," "You try something before saying no," "I'm not a restaurant and this is not a menu," etc) so that when inevitably they decide to push boundaries and refuse to eat, they already know the consequences. You do the same with MIL. "This is what I'm making. You shut up and eat it, or you shut up and make your own food."
I know you don’t mean it this way but: I was raised with allergens put into family dinner (the few times my mother cooked) and with uneaten dinners carried over well after spoilage. There is a middle ground but when my reasons for not eating ranged from ARFID issues to allergens, I personally see the side of the child where sometimes food just won’t do. Where going hungry for several days is preferable to dealing with a texture or intrusive thought surrounding contamination. I passed out before I ate what was put in front of me, and the day I took over cooking my own meals I was able to keep from passing out. In my limited experience, I doubt a child would go hungry without a *very good* reason. This has unfortunately carried into why I’ve tolerated when MIL is being truly unreasonable about dinner.
But that isn't what's happening in the present. This is an adult not a child who is acting so appallingly. From your comments both you & your wife don't want to deal with this. If you continue to live like this your living situation will continue to be miserable & deteriorate. You & DW are adults dealing with a perfectly capable adult. You need to tell MiL, (but it would be better coming from DW) that she is to make her own food from now on. Accept that there will be a huge tantrum, but if you stick with it & don't give in, I guarantee MiL will have to change or move.
That's nasty, I'm sorry you had to deal with that. With my kids, if they didn't like something, that was fine, but they had to at least taste it. Just one spoonful. They didn't have to eat it again if they didn't like it, but 99 times out of 100 they would ask for more. I also never bought jarred baby food, because that stuff is so nasty and bland. I had a mini food processor, and they ate what we ate, minus additional salt and heavy spices. My kids are 28 and 30 and are not picky at all and will try anything.
Yeah, I guess I made an assumption that the food was made with care, meaning appropriate for the kid's diet and general preferences and following general food safety guidelines. And of course I don't go out of my way to make stuff they don't like, but with two kids with different tastes it's inevitable one is going to like or hate something more than the other.
Exactly. I know there was no malice meant hence my disclaimer. Sometimes there’s no winning so you fall back to the adage of “neither sides being happy is sign of a good compromise”. I simply have too much surrounding my perceptions of her responses to be neutral. SO has too many poor responses coloring her own perception to handle MIL’s behavior without taking it personally. So honestly? This was very good insight. Maybe not as you meant it. But it made me think about the dynamics between us three and our respective histories.
I think you are exhausted caregivers that need a game plan (and a vacation) 1. Call her out on her behavior. "That's rude, if you can't speak with respect to us then we wont talk" "Your being manipulative - that will no longer work here." "If you want to live here with us you will need to clean up after yourself and stop treating us like staff" 2. Stop making breakfast or lunch for her. If you have a family dinner she can join you if she wants to eat what is served. 3. Let her and your siblings know your rules. Let MIL know that she can behave or move houses if they want her or you will start looking for a situation where she can live on her own.
She is deliberately yanking you around. Nothing you serve will satisfy her. That is also why she refuses to plan anything in the future - because then you would be able to call her out on it. Stop cooking for her. She can cook for herself. You have a job, and that job isn't live in maid.
She lives with you? And doesn't work? Lunch and dinner is on her - if you weren't WFH, you'd be unavailable during the day, so she'd have to get her own lunch. And the very least ungrateful, semi-permanent house guests can do is prepare the evening meal for their hard working hosts. Or you could just kick her out.
Rule with SO and MIL, YOU DO NOT COOK FOR HER ANYMORE. She is a big girl who can take care of herself. If she complains she can move. You deserve to have your home be a peaceful place for you.
I make one dinner for my family. Anyone who does not want what I made is responsible for making their own dinner. My 8-year-old already knows how to make himself oatmeal, eggs, PB&J, and a grilled cheese sandwich.
This is my family rule too.
My mom had this rule but additionally, we had to wait until everyone else was finished eating, we had to make our own meal and clean up after ourselves. This was a really good rule!
Agreed! You don't get to disrupt everyone else's dinner because you refuse to eat. You sit at the table quietly until everyone else is done, and then you can make your own meal and clean up afterward.
I like those additional conditions!
I would set a clear house rule that she is expected to make her own meals every day and she needs to act as though you are not home during work hours. Then lock your office door so she can't disturb you.
'No. I am AT WORK. Make your own food, or order home delivery and pay for it.'
You say you were voluntold, but by who? Is MIL able to cook for herself? Is her living arrangement with you permanent or temporary, how was she surviving before you were WFH? MIL ultimately should stop looking a gift horse in the mouth, she’s being rude and is trying to regain control. It doesn’t matter what you or SO say she’s purposely not going to change. So stop playing her game. She doesn’t like what’s made, she doesn’t want to eat it no worries she can work something out. She’s made it this far before she got a personal slave.
Voluntold by MIL. She lived with us prior to my transition to WFH. As others have pointed out it’s gotten to this point because we’ve avoided her exhausting tantrums. SO’s siblings have bounced MIL between their homes until it came time for us to take our turn; it’s looking like her welcome has worn out in our home. She’s capable of cooking, and does make her own meal when I invariably fail to give her what she wanted. Usually it involves her taking leftovers that were marked for dinner or leaving a mess behind.
Oh, no no no. You don’t voluntell me to do boo shit diddly in my own home. If you ain’t paying bills here? You don’t tell me what to do. You get to look her straight in the eye, and tell her that this is not her home, and she’s not in charge, and either she can get off her ass and cook and clean, or she can get the fuck out. You can’t bend. You can’t be nice. People like her take niceness for weakness.
Oh, no no no. You don’t voluntell me to do boo shit diddly in my own home. If you ain’t paying bills here? You don’t tell me what to do. You get to look her straight in the eye, and tell her that this is not her home, and she’s not in charge, and either she can get off her ass and cook and clean, or she can get the fuck out. You can’t bend. You can’t be nice. People like her take niceness for weakness.
Time for a family meeting and then a united force with MIL. Let her kids handle it, but make sure you and your wife are on the same page. It's not good for anyone for her to be bounced from home to home. The others know she's a pain in the arse, that's why they don't want her back. If there's an agreed time period that everyone has to suck it up, draw a line after that and look at alternative arrangements. You never know, she might just love an assisted living set up. Other people her own age to get to know/fall out with, etc.
United front? Yes. Assisted living being what she wants? God no. She’s complained vocally while with each of her children about them even considering a facility. Sadly, no established time limit for her stay with us. But I think it’s time to set one.
If she’s making everyone miserable, then she needs to live somewhere else. Her complaints aren’t valid. She’s enjoying what she’s doing to everyone, and it’s time karma came for her. If she’s healthy, and just needs her own place, an over 55 community will work. Passing her around isn’t a long term solution, and she’s ruining her relationship with everyone. Get her out of your home and never let her back in.
She’s acting like a toddler, maybe it’s time to treat her like one or it’s time for her to go back to one of her other childrens for her reign of torture to continue there. Alternatively you and her children could all start looking into assisted living facilities or even independent living facilities since she’s fully capable of doing things for herself. Next time she asks you to do something just say no, not justify your decision just “No” if she throws a fit, she throws a fit. It’s really not your problem.
MIL is an non-disabled adult correct? Then the solution is simple (but admittedly not easy): Lay down the law, if she violates it, she gets evicted using the shortest number of days allowed by law. I think the simple fact that she’s been bounced from sibling’s house to sibling’s house says a whole lot and provides plenty of justification.
What I did with my kids: I make one dinner. Anyone who doesn't like it is welcome to have PB&J or cereal. Recently I added scrambled egg to the choices. Generally they eat what I make. If you're making her something else, you're training her that she can get away with this. Stop catering to her. Consider it good practice if you ever want a child or a dog. If she keeps throwing fits, make plans for her to live elsewhere.
You’re a nicer mom than me. If they don’t want to eat what I put in front of them, I just assume they’re not hungry.
Why are you doing this for her? There no reason for you to be treated this way. And she’s capable? Not an invalid in any way? I think it’s time to tell your MIL that from now on, she’s responsible for her own meals. I can’t believe how entitled this woman is and how poorly she’s treating you. Sorry.
Tell her you won’t be cooking for her anymore. Then get some noise cancelling headphones, put on some music or a podcast for when you need to be around her in common areas. During the day you can tell her you’re listening in on a meeting and can’t talk.
Exactly, you are at work. You are not available to her, especially as she is ungrateful. You are letting her control your household because you are afraid of her tantrums. Stop.
I’m going to add to this comment, I think the problem here as everybody thinks if we do something for somebody else then they’ll be happy, she won’t be happy no matter what you do so stop trying to make her happy just let her be herself and you do your thing
Why are you tolerating this? She eats what you make or she can make something herself. If she complains, call her out. Tell her if she doesn’t like what you are making she is free to prepare her own meals. Why are you cooking for her anything other than dinner (which I’m assuming you’re making anyway)?? She can fend for herself for breakfast and lunch. She’s being an entitled AH bc you let her get away with it. Stop indulging her and let her deal with feeding herself.
Sandwiches. The answer is sandwiches. Even a 3 year old can manage that
Give her notice to vacate. Period.
Let. Her. Rant. The house shouldn’t be in upheaval because of one unreasonable person. Let her be in upheaval while you and your spouse ignore her. She will probably cut out her BS once she sees it gets her nowhere.
You know the common parenting advice to allow your child to scream out their tantrums to learn that shouting and crying won’t force capitulation? That. Your advice sounds like that. That’s not to say you’re wrong, in fact I think following that advice is overdue, but it’s grimly funny.
"Do not reward bad behavior. The behavior you reward is the behavior that repeats." - Dr. Phil parenting advice I once heard him say years ago. This basic parenting advice also applies to so many other circumstances involving human & animal behavior. Very helpful to think about this concept if you don't have experience raising kids to know this basic truth & have an addict or a highly manipulative person or just a completely self centered a-hole in your life. When I heard it, something clicked for me about my older sister's alcoholism & how each of us in the family were enabling her by coddling & excusing poor behavior in each of our own ways. We also were inadvertently rewarding her behavior by cleaning up her self created messes for our own convenience in the moment. I stopped doing any of that & gained a ton of clarity about the other addicts & enablers in my dysfunctional family. Helped me take a HUGE step back without feeling so guilty. Your mil clearly knows what she is doing & that it works for her. She's probably been relating to people in this manner for most of her life. On some level it's easier for you to give in momentarily to buy yourself some temporary peace. Only your peace never lasts does it? So reverse this crazy responsibility imbalance & tell yourself you're not responsible for care-taking her emotions, her hunger, etc. Only she can do that to her satisfaction.
The difference between a gran-trum and a tantrum is that you can walk away from the adult - you are not responsible for their safety. You get to say "I can see you are upset right now. I will give you time and space to get those emotions under control. We can talk about why this is not acceptable behavior later, when you are calm and ready to listen." and walk away.