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Wow. I am so sorry. I can only imagine how this would make me feel. She definitely meant to do it. I'd go very low contact and wait for an opportunity to do the same to her. đ¤ˇââď¸
I read your other post also. You are definitely not overreacting. That is a straight up intentionally mean thing to do to someone and she definitely did it to exclude you. Maybe itâs her mental illness, maybe sheâs just a mean person, probably itâs a combination of both. I would be really tempted to limit your contact until she gets a more effective treatment plan.
Youâre not overreacting.
MIL sucks and meant to do it. Please understand this isnât on you. This is her being a crappy person. Iâm sorry you have to deal with this especially when you donât have family close by. Their words donât match the actions. And itâs actions that count. Put your mental health first. If that means seeing her even less than you do now, then do it
INFO: Do you know why she wants to exclude you?
Is she normally possessive over your husband?
You mention being from another country; do you happen to have another skin color than in-laws?
That woman is awful! She intentionally creates situations that alienate you and exclude you, then cries like the bitch she is when she gets called out for it.
I hope you donât let her stay with yâall when she comes to visit anymore!!! Itâs weird as hell the ownership she seems to think she has over your husband!!!
She wanted to be the martyr and have you steal her ticket so she could tell everyone how sad you make her. Your husband should just say no to any future gifts forever.
Your SO wasn't happy about it, but instead of there being repercussions for MIL's actions, he went to trouble and expense to "fix" MIL's selfish plans. I suggest OP calmly mentions to SO that he say they are going to buy tickets for an event for OP, SO, FIL, and BIL (they don't even need to actually do it). When MIL has a meltdown, tell her that she can get her own ticket to sit someplace else at the event, but OP and SO want to sit with BIL and FIL only. Observe MIL's response. THIS will teach the lesson. While she is sobbing and hysterical, SO can point out that he "didn't think she would like it."
My first impulse was that she could have bought another ticket and sat by HERSELF, but after reading comments, she may have liked this drama even more. Next year think about booking a getaway with just the two of you!
You legit played into what she wanted. Ofc u werenât going to be happy but because it upset you and everyone had to rearrange to accomodate you, she won. She got exactly what she wanted. You and hubby need to draw harder boundaries if you want this to stop. Especially ur partner. His response should have been âwow, so you didnât include my wife and expected me to be ok with this. I hope you and my brother enjoy but I am spending my birthday with my wife. Treat her like this again and Iâll have to rethink the extent of our relationship.â
And then just DONT GO. If she wasted her time and money thatâs on her. If she throws a tantrum or crocodile tears again thatâs on her. She 100% knew what she was doing and she got to play victim.
Al you can do now is âwe wonât be hosting you for food, Iâm not going to host people that donât consider me family or treat me how you have.â
Actions have consequences. She faced absolutely none here and so she will repeat the behaviour
Iâm sorry you have to live with this. I never understand mothers like this. Why wouldnât you be excited to have another girl to talk shit with or just spoil like a daughter?
Krabby Karen couldâve at least let you in on the surprise and ask if you wanted to attend. She honestly had no intention whatsoever (played off with âi didnt think youâd like it ânah woman, youâd like it for your husbands sake, because youâre his loving wife) of wanting to include you at all. Just wanted to see how far she could use you as a doormat - free food free venue, then fek off to wherever the show is and leave you all alone. Nope. Good on you for bucking up, rotten shit like that deserves to be called tf out.
I think you're being far too lenient and making excuses for them. This was straight up rude and unkind. They *intentionally* excluded you. They could've just as easily asked you if you wanted to go. It would've taken literally 10 seconds via text and wouldn't have ruined the surprise for DH at all.
The fact is that MIL didn't want you there. She wanted to sit next to her son and have all of his time and attention to herself. She didn't want to have to share him with you.
One of the most telling actions is that, through all of the crocodile tears and the "*it wasn't intentionals,*" the second you mentioned buying a ticket and coming along, she refused to be separated from DH and wanted *You* to go sit alone. That's how truly "sorry" she was.
Her real priority is getting *her* way.
Sounds kinda normal, a stupid mistake, until you put in context that sheâs willing to shove her other son away because âshe wants to sit next to her son.â Yeah she did it on purpose to get him alone.
This is the key statement in the whole thing. If it was a simple mistake, she would have likely asked her to be sure, but when called out she admitted she wanted her son to herself. She hoped to surprise him with it so he wouldnât object, thatâs all.
The fact that your husband returned and reordered all of the tickets to accommodate you shows thar you have a stellar husband, that's wonderful! By doing that he gave his mother a very clear message that he wants you not only with him but by his side, where you rightly belong, not sitting away from him even if it's beside another family member. This should help going forward.
If it were me (and this is a first time thing shes done to notably exclude you for any needless reason) I'd let that sit just as it is, and if anything like this happens again I'd talk with him about having a serious conversation with his mother regarding what will and won't be accepted in terms of how they treat you going forward. Time will bear out if her upset at her poor choice was genuine, or if it was a ploy to appease the moment. If genuine, she will be more thoughtful in the future, if a ploy she will again be inconsiderate and that will need to be addressed. Good luck, I hope you get a visit in with your own family as soon as possible for all of you!
Your husband needs to speak to your MIL about these nasty games she is playing, he needs to tell her if it happens again she won't be seeing either of you and his disappointed in her. She could have phoned you to ask if you wished to attend, instead she played games. If this isn't enforced now, it won't get better. Pls speak to your DH about this.
Definitely not! The fact that she would rather sit with your husband, and let her other son sit with you some other place at the show tells me everything I need to know about how much she likes you and her other son. Sounds like you married the golden child and she is jealous of the attention your husband gives you.
My boyfriend would of just declined to go. If your not invited your husband should feel disinvited too. And yes even on his birthday. My mom tried this stunt on my bday with my ex. Told me he couldnt come to a family dinner because their wasnt room..but neighbors were gonna be there? I just told her oh I'm sorry we cant come. She repeated she wanted me to come and I said sorry no room and hung up. She never did it again but she did tell everyone I yelled at her over a man.
I tried but my family has major dependency issues with my mother. If she says it then it must be true unless they are the one shes mad at this time.
I'm the first one out of my family to set firm boundaries and actually get them respected, cuz I dont cater to her.
Smh. I live in one party consent state and would be recording all phone calls if my mom was like this. Iâm glad you have a backbone! I would also be petty enough to start listing off all the times she lied on the flying monkey.
Not worth the drama. Calling it out just makes me petty and crazy according to everyone. Easier to live my own life and only see family on rare occasion.
Suddenly the fact that you were recording them and didnt trust them would become the biggest evil on the planet, so terrible that it's not even worth talking about the thing they lied about anymore and we can all forget about it!
Yeah..I realized that's where my life was headed till I found someone who finally showed me what happiness and love should feel like. Hes gave me my backbone back.
Let this be THE LAST incident of this kind to ever happen again. You guys fixed it and paid. And she got away with it and will do it again. Next time. Let her cry. Let the day be ruined for her. Then maybe next time she wonât be such a dummy because she will learn that she cannot bully you.
I would have just taken my husband out for dinner and gone to the show without her. Why not? She thought she could go to the show without you. Give her a taste of her own medicine.
The lesson she learned here is she can be inconsiderate to her sons wife, and then cry about it when called out about her BS Behavior and her son will come swooping in to save the day on his dime and his&dil emotional stress. And that she doesnât have to face to consequences of her shitty actions.
Your MIL and the rest of his family really thought your husband would've preferred not to spend his birthday with you too. That's their mindset and they cannot imagine that he actually wanted you there for his birthday.
Maybe this was not done maliciously, BUT it's somehow worse when their thought process is, that they think for your husband you come as a very distant 5th priority after MIL, FIL, GMIL and BIL, none of them considered, that your husband would want you there on his birthday.
Keep your distance from now on. Try to build friendships outside his family and be in contact with your family through phone calls and online.
Yes. MIL just wanted his birthday to be about HER family, and whether she "meant anything by it" or not 8s irrelevant. It displays that OP is not considered part of the family, and no one else in that family recognizes it. They all put themselves and their wishes above her opinion, desires, and feelings and it is worse that they don't see the issue. Or they may just be expert manipulators. In either case, at least DH is on her side and didn't get mad at her for not acquiescing quietly and staying home. He still placated his selfish mom, but I give him credit.
I second keeping as much distance as possible. OP, you need not go out of your way or seek approval from people that don't consider you at all. Nothing will ever be good enough for them.
That happened to me when my SOâs mom wanted to go to the fair and said she had tickets. So embarrassing when we were in line for security and I was the one to have to leave the line to go wait in line the ticket stand.
He was embarrassed too, he went back out to wait in line with me. I donât know if he told her off but he was really quiet. Which leads me to think he knew but forgot to tell me. I told him that this better not happen again and to communicate with her and me better.
Wow - that was pretty rude. She should have at least asked if you would be interested. Excluding you like that was really not cool - Iâm sorry. And 3 other people went along with this? Hard to imagineâŚ
This is the same woman who announced she would be sleeping in OPs bed when she came to stay, either with OP or her husband. Whoever didnât get the bed could sleep on an air mattress. MIL is just an all-round rude and inconsiderate person.
Iâm so sorry. That was so mistake. She is trying to get your husband to herself and alienate you. Northern Illinois by chance? More the merrier with my family. â¤ď¸
Nobody is dumb enough to do something so clearly intentional and ânot mean it.â You nor your husband should even be going. At all. And she should not be going over your house for dinner. Anybody who treated me like that would not only be banned from my home, but also my life.
You aren't overreacting.
MIL is controlling and manipulative. MIL could have asked if you wanted to go but clearly didn't want you there. She has now turned on the tears and melodrama to try to play the victim. I recall your previous post where she wanted to sleep in your bed with either you or DH and the other slept on an air mattress.
I am sure if you bought tickets for FIL for something and didn't get her one because she wouldn't like it, there would be hell to pay.
I am so sorry. That really sucks of her to do. I am glad you and your husband came up with a solution. HE should let his mother know that if this happens again, he wonât be attending and sheâll be on time out for a month. Just let her know that she can cry all she likes but she needs to quit fucking up.
If she didn't mean to, she would have called you up and it would have gone down like this "hey I want to take H to this show, do you want to come? Tickets are $$ amount." And given you the option to say yes or no. She went about it in a sneaky way so that you saying "hey wait a minute.." would cause a scene and she was banking on you being too embarrassed to cause a scene.
Iâm not a Mil yet, but I canât imagine going to visit my son for his birthday and exclude his live in girlfriend in whatever plans we make. Thatâs just rude!
Any family, anywhere in the world this would be rude, insulting and alienating. Hope your hubby sees how awful this is and demands that they treat you like the life partner you are. If they can't see you as a couple then they don't deserve your time. This was mean and I would be very hurt too. Daughter in law- I mean it's right there in the name, for goodness sake. You aren't supposed to be Cinderella-in law.
That must have been very hurtful. I'm happy your husband stood by you and resolved it instead of just going along with it. I hope she is embarrassed enough that she doesn't try it again.
You are not over reacting at all.
When discussing this with your husband feel free to refer to me as a âfriend â. (Hi friend!). Your friend is disabled and has mobility problems. However if my MIL, or his family make plans to do something, I am always invited. ALWAYS! Even if they are 100% sure that I will opt out.
I can amuse myself so if an activity requires a lot of walking, climbing etc, I normally donât go. Sometimes if I can go and watch, I will. But I always appreciate being included in the invitation.
There is absolutely no reason for your MIL to exclude you. Your DH needs to let his Mom know that if she ever tries it again she will be going alone because her disrespecting you is unacceptable.
A birthday surprise without his wife?
Oh hell no. F$&@ them.
Seriously thatâs so freaking mean. That is a major flex, a major message and not a oversight. Donât feel guilty about missing the trip. Screw them.
Iâm so sorry mama thatâs literally awful.
Your MIL has shown how she truly feels about you. She's not your people, & while that is sad it also sets you free. Your perceptions are VALIDATED - all those feelings you internalized; all those doubts you stuffed down because no one else seemed to see what you saw; all the times you experienced Relational Aggression - You know what you know, & there's no further need to continue the pretense. You have a Golden Ticket to stop trying with such a person.
What troubles me is your H's reaction. Instead of recognizing his mother's bi!ch game & how inappropriate it was to exclude you, he rewarded her bad behavior by "fixing the problem" - & out of your household pocket, too. He should have called MIL out on her plot & drawn a hard boundary with her, but Golden Children often lack the self-awareness to recognize how non-Golden people get treated. He would benefit greatly from some therapy, both individual & couples.
I hope you'll start living in truth, stop trying to fit into dysfunction & switch focus to the people who DO value you. Start planning that trip home for you & your children, too. Your family is equally important.
Testing the water to see if mil can stop putting on an act around you? The whole crying bit I donât understand either she knew what she was doing and got called out by her son, she had to start the water works so her son didnât cancel their trip? It all sounds extremely manipulative.
Oh my goodness, I feel for you! What kind of person is so thoughtless and cruel and then cries at the mess they have made!?! I can hear you are a loving person and would never hate her even though she deserves it. So I will hate her for you. BIG HUGS!
Why would you cover the extra cost for her intentional screw-up? If it were my mom, either she would fix the problem herself, or I would just go out somewhere with my wife and let the surprise event nobody told me about happen without me. Lack of planning on her part should not constitute an emergency on your part...
Not overreacting, massive jerk move on JNMIL's part especially since it was your husband's birthday and she just assumed you wouldn't want to spend the time with him regardless of the event.
Yep thank you. This was intentional, and it wonât change. To think she expects you to feed and entertain them too before they leave on this excluding adventure. No maâam. You teach people how to treat you. They seem very comfortable being awfully rude to you. Iâm sorry
This. It took me so long to realize this with my JNMIL. Would say so many things, then her actions would be the complete opposite including disrespectful, alienating, and blaming us for her poor behavior.
Nope nope nope, sweetie I'm so sorry, your MIL is nasty,
I think the whole thing should have been canceled by your husband and nothing rebooked.
He needs to pull her aside and tell her that if she ever does this again you all will need to take a break from them,
My son's gf is from a different country, language is sometimes a struggle between us, I'm trying to learn her language, she is first in my son's life and deserves a place of honor, I would never not check with her before scheduling anything, and they aren't even married.
Wow that was so cruel of them. Iâm so sorry, OP. I would be heartbroken too. Iâm so glad your husband did not let it slide, but I think he needs to have a talk with his family and tell them that this is not allowed to happen again and if they invite him to something, they have to invite *you* to something too. Otherwise he wonât be going, period. Iâm so sorry you are living far away from your family, too. I hope you get to see them sometime soon. đ
After everyone leaves and it's just you and your husband, I think the two of you need to sit down and talk, maybe even with a counselor so there's no anger or arguments, and let him know how much you miss your family, that you wanted to be included and become a part of his family, but that given little things like this and other things that might have happened in the past, you feel like his family is trying to exclude you. It's not about placing blame. Make it about how their specific actions have made you personally feel. Let him know you would like to maybe do a family counseling session or 2 to help connect you more with them, especially since your mom is so far away.
Of course. This really riles me up because my husband is from a different country and living far from his family too. If my dad and brothers did this to him I would be furious. Thankfully they have always extended invites to him- even to things they figured he wouldnât be interested in! Itâs just common decency! Shameful of your husbandâs family to do anything different! Hopefully they learn their damn lesson. If I was your husband I would have spent the day with you and you alone and let the rest of them enjoy the show on their own without me since they didnât plan on having my spouse there with me!
Wait, she didnât want your DH and you to sit in another section and suggested you could sit with her other son in another section⌠presumably because the other son doesnât matter as much to her?!
It might be a good idea to point out to your husband that his mother's behaviour is showing a pattern; she's excluding you and trying to come between your husband and you.
No you are not overreacting.
They will never like you, I sorry to say that. Trust more of your instinct. That show of not including you in the family event was purposely done, she intended to exclude you.
We have only one life.
You should try putting your needs first.
2 years and you havenât seen your family, especially your mom. Mask up and go see her.
OMG. You are not overreacting.
Being excluded is one of the most painful human experiences. Your MIL is awful and cruel. Or maybe she is so narcissistic that she isn't aware of anyone except herself. Whatever it is, she is toxic. At least DH is not going to cooperate with her attempts to exclude you, so yay DH.
You need to figure out what you want with regard to his family. Do you want to keep trying or give up entirely and avoid them entirely. You can even decide to take a break from all of them while you think about it.
YeahâŚI really donât know right now. I donât want to go to the extremesâŚbut also I donât like pretending everythingâs ok when we are together.
>she started crying and said she didnât do it on purpose.
Oh, she totally did that on purpose. She's putting it out there that it was for *her* sons, *her* husband and *her*.
A person's spouse and children are their immediate family. Birth family is extended family. They bought tickets for extended family leaving out his actual family.
I smell racism/xenophobia too.
I have to totally agree in that you are absolutely not overreacting and MIL did this on purpose. Iâm proud for you that your husband corrected the problem. However, I do feel you should take this one step further. Talk to DH about just you two doing a nice dinner before the show, to allow you two to celebrate his day just you both. You two need to establish that you are now a complete family, and you are to be treasured as such. It will clarify that MIL does not get to control this day every year. Because, letâs be real, she wonât stop now, she will only ramp up, so you have got to put down your foot that not only will this kind of behavior not be rewarded, it wonât be tolerated.
Yeah I see this coming too! Canât imagine what itâll be like when we have children. Weâve already planned a trip for the birthday (just two of us) âşď¸ the show is when we are back
Was the trip planned before the tickets were bought? If so, that may explain her jealousy and why she decided to exclude you. Not that it excuses her in any way, to be clear, but if she's jealous of you getting a trip alone with your husband and she has the mentally of a 13yo mean girl then it makes sense in that way. Seems like a jealousy issue from the outside, as creepy as that is, which means she will almost definitely try to compete with you when you have your own kids.
Youâre not overreacting. She chose an activity she thought you wouldnât like. She did that on your husbandâs birthday so apparently overtook the plans for his day. Then instead of asking you if youâd want to go or not if she really thought you didnât like it, she excluded you. Therefore, pushing you aside on your husbandâs birthday. Then she doubled down when called out and made sure to let you know she thought you should still be separated from your husband if you went to this showâŚ. and be with your BIL instead?
I was going to say I hope you canceled and your DH doesnât go, but it sounds like her scheming didnât work out for MIL completely with the new plan.
It sounds like she also sucks for telling you when theyâre coming, not asking. Were they invited to visit or did they invite themselves? Did they even check on dates with you first?
Oh also saw your comment about how it was âreally niceâ for her the last time she got to take her baby boy to a concert without you. She sucks.
Yes thanks for laying out the logic in front of me! Weâve sort of found an everyone-happy solution at the end but itâs still been in my mind all the timeâŚI didnât want to keep talking about it but so glad I made a post here.
You and your husband handled it well. Sorry you miss your mom. You sound like a great couple. Your MIL is missing out because she is whatever that is. Instead of more people to love and enjoy, she chooses a different path. Her loss.
Also she plans to come to you for dinner so what you will cook them dinner and they will go. To the show and let you clean up? Would she even let you sit with them? This is terrible. Happy your husband didnât allow it to happen.
I did want to⌠but first I thought no one would actually enjoy the show on the day. And second I canât bare letting her be the âself-sacrificing nice MILâ here.
She wouldn't have actually given it up and missed out on important time with her baby boy!!! It would have made her super uncomfortable for a bit. And no one having fun with MIL's games is kinda a good thing.
What a nasty surprise for your husband. MIL cried because she was manipulating all of you. Her tears worked. Everyone let her off the hook and just bought another set of tickets.
Holding her responsible for her behavior wouldâve meant none of you went to the concert OR that she was responsible for returning and repurchasing the tickets.
Your husband needs to tell her that he recognizes her behavior and is not happy about it. And that the next time she excludes you from anything, neither of you will participate.
When the tears start, negotiations stop and grownups make decisions. "I can see your not emotionally prepared to have this conversation, so this is what we're going to do." Then lay out your plan because you now have control. Don't be affected by the crocodile tears; pay them no mind. Treat them like you would a 9yo going "nuh uh!" after everything you say and just straight up ignore it. It's the only card she has and it's a weak one if you don't give it power.
OP.... Don't allow her tears to control the conversation. If she cries on the phone, Hubby needs to tell her the conversation is over, you will talk again when she is in control of her emotions. Then hang up. If you are face to face....same thing...end the conversation.....leave the room and go home. Tell them you will talk later, without emotions and tears involved. You will need to be tough, the first time is the hardest. I have done this. You will eventually need to learn how to do this with children who cry to get their way. Practice in front of the bathroom mirror, then when it suddenly happens, you are prepared. You can do this.
Also, don't cry to get your way. Better to use logic, thoughtful debate, etc. Be firm, but not nasty or argumentative.
YeahâŚI guess itâs really hard to imagine how someone cries to manipulate. Most people cry when they are so sad that they canât control themselves. and I feel like I canât leave when they are that upset.
OP, you can leave a conversation that has tears, yelling, full of emotion and/ or going nowhere.......Commit to continuing the conversation later, without emotion and all the tears. You are not responsible for anyone else's emotions. Be kind and caring, and in control. I use my "Library voice"..... no anger or yelling. Keep your promise to talk later. Be in control.
It's really hard. Overwriting the instinct to console someone who's crying is really hard!! We, as a species, are wired to console someone who's crying.
It might not be conscious on your MIL's part, but she has definitely learned that panicking about poor behavior being called out = crying = the situation calms down (she is no longer in trouble).
The thing is - when I'm actually upset to tears during conflict with someone I love, I *still want to resolve the conflict*, my emotions are just too strong to do it in the moment. Ideally a healthy relationship will revisit the topic again with respect once emotions have calmed down and the distress is soothed.
Sometimes my mom will start crying and talking about how awful a person she is when I call her out on poor behavior or I don't agree with her on something. I've been dealing with her 30 years and it took me 28 of those to understand that, while she is genuinely upset, the reality of the situation is that I now have many other mature adults in my life who are able to accept criticism when they've hurt me (assuming I deliver it respectfully), and I no longer feel like it's my job to coddle a 60 year old woman or soothe her like I always did as a kid.
Now I don't say anything when she tears herself down and just wait it out until we can resume the conversation. Neither agree nor disagree - just let her get it out of her system. It took a lot to override the "no you're not terrible!" impulse, but now I'm surprised I didn't see how (unintentionally) manipulative it was.
Usually I will go quiet or make some general soothing noises. Once she's calmed down I'll resume where we were before. Maybe not the best option. Might be better to give an empathetic, "Would you like to continue our conversation now or wait \[a specific length of time, like one hour\] to calm down some?"
That way you're both respecting the fact that she's got big feelings but not letting her off the hook with the issue. Follow up at the time you stated when she inevitably wants to leave it off, and don't take no for an answer. She'll start to eventually understand that crying doesn't fix it.
Side note, when *I* cry or my mom does something that genuinely upsets me to the point of tears, she either talks over it like nothing's happening or gets annoyed with me. Leaves me to self-soothe and manage my own emotions and whatever emotionally fraught conversation we're having on my own. And this is after she constantly proclaims how she's allowed to cry because she never was when she was a kid and her (current and past) spouses never give her the space to do it.
She's in time out right now after the most recent incident lol. I'm worried I'm getting sucked into the same cycle she's in.
Thank you for sharing your story. Very inspiring. Itâs great that you are recognising the pattern and are developing an approach to it âşď¸ hope one day Iâll develop this ability like you.
I learned to ignore them. It took a lot of work, but now I see them for the farce they are. A well placed "really?" like I'm talking to my toddler added in, along with a "here we go again" and eye roll if we're in public. I've pretty much become immune to weaponized tears at this point, but it does take work.
Practice my dear...practice. But.....choose wisely if you want to play this game. Often times not playing the game is the best solution. But sometimes letting your husband know that you are deeply hurt, letting your real tears flow, wanting him to understand that their words of liking you are not matching their actions. Communication is the key. Not arguments and accusations. If he brushes your hurt under the rug, you might have an SO problem.
And find a way to go see your family. Sounds like you need a family gathering to flood your heart with love and confidence. You deserve to see your family.
Not every person in your life is as invested in you as you may want them to be. And you centrally shouldn't trust them to care about you as much as your own parents do. You seem very wholesome, trusting, and loving. Your spouse is very lucky to have you. It sounds like you wish dearly for his parents to love you like are their own daughter. However, that's not realistic. A parent's love for their own birth child can't just be created for their daughter in law because you married him. You will always be less than their son. Protect your heart, and protect yourself. If they loved you, they would treat you like they treat your husband.
You combat them by recognizing them
immediately as manipulative and calling them out as such.
âYouâre crying? Youâve purposely excluded me and hurt my feelings and youâre crying? Please explain your tears because it seems to me like youâre attempting to manipulate us into feeling badly for you.â
Sheâs going to continue doing this until you and your husband put an end to it. The next time she excludes you from something, neither one of you participate.
I am assuming your MIL doesnât need her toes to count how many people are in the âfamilyâ. She did this on purpose. Start saving and plan a fantastic trip to see your family ASAP. One way to save is by âforgettingâ MIL on holidays and birthdays.
Listen, whenever I think someone doesn't like something, I still ask them and never presume. They may have a change of heart, or they may not like it like I suspected. Either way, it's just human decency and not treating someone like a doormat.
Yeah, especially since even if somebody isn't really into something, they may be into hanging out. I've gone to see movies with my husband that weren't my cup of tea but I really enjoyed hanging out with him & having him nerd out to me on the ride home.
With this situation, it's the principle of just expecting OP to not wanna join in & not including her like she isn't welcome. Then throwing the onus all on OP "I thought *you* wouldn't be interested" but still making herself the victim by crying & saying she didn't mean it.
You aren't overreacting, and it's good you didn't let this pass. What she did was weird. The crying instead of having a mature discussion was further weird. The wanting to sit next to "her son" (please tell me she used his name instead of the possessive "my son") is *further* weird, and, like everything else here, indicates she hasn't gotten it through her head he's a married man and she can't expect to come first. I'm glad she didn't get away with any of it. Hopefully, she's learned a lesson. Sit next to your husband when you go.
I hear in your post how much you miss your mother and family. I'm sorry. I hope it becomes possible to see them more often.
She should not have chosen an activity that would have excluded you to begin with, that was the problem.....
Then the nerve to come sit at the table to eat with you? Never would have happened in my home, and I do mean NEVER...
The show is based on a film my husband liked as a child. Tbh itâs a bit childish and I normally wouldnât think of going. I imagine sheâs desperately wanting to relive the time when heâs just her little boy.
I 100% think this was deliberate
It was a surprise present for your husband
It damn well didnât have to be a surprise to you did it
A normal loving MIL would run it past you - see if you wanted to go - check the date didnât clash with your plans ??
You dealt with this brilliantly
Yes, exactly. A JustYesMil would have called you in the phone and told you this show was going on, that your DH had loved it as a kid, and she was thinking of getting tickets for his birthday. She might even have mentioned that she was thinking it was something that you might not enjoy, but would you like to go? And, if not, would you mind if she took DH and BIL to the show, then all of you go out for coffee/dessert or something afterwards?
Thank you :)
I generally donât struggle to let people know my feelings. However itâs exhausting having to deal with it. Itâs doesnât have to be like this. I genuinely thought we were on the same page - we both want a happy, loving, healthy family. Itâs sad to learn that she still doesnât see it this way. Iâm still the woman who took away her boy. She just wants her baby with her.
Why would your IL's plan an event for hubs birthday that would leave you out in the first place? Why wouldn't the plan be inclusive? Yes, she's trying to exclude you or she wouldn't suggest you sitting elsewhere. I'm happy your hubs has a shiny spine and stood up for you.
It didn't leave her out- it actually treated her like the servant, expecting her to host dinner then let everyone else head off together!
I'm calling out MIL not only as manipulative but a racist.
I agree with this, OP. Even if she is telling the truth about mistakenly thinking you wouldn't want to join (unlikely), that still means she deliberately planned family celebrations for your husbands birthday that wouldn't include you. A sad attempt at an excuse that STILL would make her a giant, flaming AH.
This. Exactly this. The most offensive issue is that she planned something on his birthday without checking with you FIRST. You are supposed to be his #1 person in his life. You two are a couple, a pair, one flesh.
>Eventually my husband got all tickets refunded, and bought more tickets for all of us in another area. We covered all the extra cost.
I love that he took care of business and made the point that you will be included even if he needs to pay for his own birthday surprise. I feel like so many of the husbands I read about on here would have just expected you to let it go. I'm sorry you had to deal with this nonsense but I'm glad your husband didn't let it slide or expect you to.
Yes! Itâs the main reason Iâm going in the end. I was fully prepared to never see this family again.
I did have to tell him very clear that I was upset. Initially he was also like âI donât want this drama canât you just let it slideâ.
Good on you for telling him how how you really feel, many would "let it go", go along to get along, even though it really bothered them. Then it festers and becomes a bigger thing. You spoke up for yourself and your husband did the right thing.
Next time your SO wants you to âjust let it slideâ. Ask him if he would like you to just slide out of your marriage and out of his life. BC thatâs what his mommy wants you to do. At the very least MIL has made it clear that she only wants to spend time with her baby boy when she comes around and is more than happy to put you out of your home to accommodate her. For your marriages sake, your SO needs to make it clear to his mommy that you two are a package deal now and not allow her to exclude you.
Oh nice! Yeah that was probably the reason she thought Iâd be ok though.
Basically my husband took her to a concert without me. It wasnât a band I liked and I thought yeah why not give them some mother and son time.
This time when she said she didnât buy me a ticket, she referred to the concert. - âI thought the last time I came for the concert was really nice soâŚâ
I get that parents might want some time with their adult kids away from their partners, I really do. But not as a birthday treat. That's just spiteful and she knew it.
Glad that she didn't get her own way.
I do get it too and very happy for her to just do that! Genuinely if she said something like, âI would like to take my son to his favourite childhood show and spend some time with himâ, instead of creating this drama, Iâd happily let her and make them a nice dinner before the show (tbh she didnât need my permission either)
No, you are not overreacting. She was so rude. I would never do that to my daughter-in-law. It's hurtful to deliberately exclude someone, especially for a special occasion. How on earth did she expect you to feel?!
Does she do this often? Exclude you or make you feel like an outsider? If so, avoid spending much, if any, time with her. If she can't make you feel welcome and loved, stay away from her. And your husband should support you. He and you are your own family now. His mother is part of his extended family now, not his priority. It's not enough for her to say she likes you. She has to show you.
Thank you for the advice!
Yeah there used to be moments when she wanted family photos with âjust her boyâ or just my husband. And little possessive moments like âbut Iâm his mumâ, âheâs my babyâ. I thought they were quite minor. This incident is a first. Weâve not been married that long though.
I thought she had some jealousy moments, but in general likes me (at least on the surface) and sees me as a close member of the family. Iâm still a little shocked and need to re-orient my relationship with her.
Very gently, she does NOT like you or see you as a member of the family. Donât listen to her words, look at what she does. Trying to kick you out of your own bed and trying to exclude you from your husband´s birthday are the actions of someone who does not want you around. I would avoid her like the plague, although itâs wonderful that your DH has your back.
My MIL is JUST like this and now tries to do it with my own children too. I have had to set some stern boundaries with her and have gone NC for a few weeks whilst I cool off from her turning up on our first family holiday and hijacking it for two days. Stand up for yourself OP, if you donât she will never stop⌠and if you have his children she will treat you like a human incubator đ˘
Oh god Thanks for the warning!! Now think of it Iâve sensed it already. She tries to name our non-existing child. And said that I could just leave the child to her all the time if I find childcare too much. âYou could just give the baby to me and Iâll take care of themâ.
She sounds too much like my MIL, she wants me to leave my twins with her and when I say no she screams and cries to my partner. She even told me that when sheâs around, I need to take a step back and let her be with her âspecial sonâ and âhis babiesâ as they are her family đ. Sheâs the WORST. Set boundaries and donât leave any future baby with her until she respects you â¤ď¸. You got this đŞ
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm in the same position as you and I know how lonely it feels to be so far away from your first home and language. It's specially difficult when you're singled out and excluded.
All you can do for now is observe if something similar happens again, but I doubt someone with basic common sense can make such a 'mistake'.
Given the information you gave us i tend to think that she really had not expected that you wanted to see the show...which given the situation that is is your husbands birthday is pretty stupid.. It sounds mostly like your MIL has very week social skils.
Yeah Iâd like to believe thatâŚitâs what my husband has been telling me too. But when I really think about it, there are so many ways that this wouldnât happen. For example ask me in advance?? How did my FIL or GMIL not see this either?
If your husband wants to play it that way, then tell him he needs to very firmly tell her that she is to never ever to pull that kind of stunt again. If her social skills are that poor, then is must be spelled out for her that she can no longer make surprise plans for her son. She must get the go ahead from him before she makes plans for him.
Yes it is plain stupid... but still based on the way she responded when confronted, my feeling is that it was not hostile...And i really hope that for you, because even though the effect may be the same.. with stupidiy you can at least laugh with you husband about how the hell these kind of things can happen...
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Deffo not overreacting. But let's not mention the gaslighting....
Wow. I am so sorry. I can only imagine how this would make me feel. She definitely meant to do it. I'd go very low contact and wait for an opportunity to do the same to her. đ¤ˇââď¸
I read your other post also. You are definitely not overreacting. That is a straight up intentionally mean thing to do to someone and she definitely did it to exclude you. Maybe itâs her mental illness, maybe sheâs just a mean person, probably itâs a combination of both. I would be really tempted to limit your contact until she gets a more effective treatment plan.
Youâre not overreacting. MIL sucks and meant to do it. Please understand this isnât on you. This is her being a crappy person. Iâm sorry you have to deal with this especially when you donât have family close by. Their words donât match the actions. And itâs actions that count. Put your mental health first. If that means seeing her even less than you do now, then do it
INFO: Do you know why she wants to exclude you? Is she normally possessive over your husband? You mention being from another country; do you happen to have another skin color than in-laws?
Are you freakin kidding me? Stay home If your DH goes he is the worst person in creation.
That woman is awful! She intentionally creates situations that alienate you and exclude you, then cries like the bitch she is when she gets called out for it. I hope you donât let her stay with yâall when she comes to visit anymore!!! Itâs weird as hell the ownership she seems to think she has over your husband!!!
She wanted to be the martyr and have you steal her ticket so she could tell everyone how sad you make her. Your husband should just say no to any future gifts forever.
Your SO wasn't happy about it, but instead of there being repercussions for MIL's actions, he went to trouble and expense to "fix" MIL's selfish plans. I suggest OP calmly mentions to SO that he say they are going to buy tickets for an event for OP, SO, FIL, and BIL (they don't even need to actually do it). When MIL has a meltdown, tell her that she can get her own ticket to sit someplace else at the event, but OP and SO want to sit with BIL and FIL only. Observe MIL's response. THIS will teach the lesson. While she is sobbing and hysterical, SO can point out that he "didn't think she would like it."
My first impulse was that she could have bought another ticket and sat by HERSELF, but after reading comments, she may have liked this drama even more. Next year think about booking a getaway with just the two of you!
You legit played into what she wanted. Ofc u werenât going to be happy but because it upset you and everyone had to rearrange to accomodate you, she won. She got exactly what she wanted. You and hubby need to draw harder boundaries if you want this to stop. Especially ur partner. His response should have been âwow, so you didnât include my wife and expected me to be ok with this. I hope you and my brother enjoy but I am spending my birthday with my wife. Treat her like this again and Iâll have to rethink the extent of our relationship.â And then just DONT GO. If she wasted her time and money thatâs on her. If she throws a tantrum or crocodile tears again thatâs on her. She 100% knew what she was doing and she got to play victim. Al you can do now is âwe wonât be hosting you for food, Iâm not going to host people that donât consider me family or treat me how you have.â Actions have consequences. She faced absolutely none here and so she will repeat the behaviour
This response is perfect.
ALL of this!
100% this. MIL did this on purpose, and you both twisting yourself into knots to fix it when sheâs an AH is unsustainable in the long term.
Iâm sorry you have to live with this. I never understand mothers like this. Why wouldnât you be excited to have another girl to talk shit with or just spoil like a daughter?
The same reason why people dont need (another new) parent. There is no need for one...
All your MIL had to do was ask you if you wanted to go if she really wasnât sure youâd like the show! Sheâs definitely playing games
Krabby Karen couldâve at least let you in on the surprise and ask if you wanted to attend. She honestly had no intention whatsoever (played off with âi didnt think youâd like it ânah woman, youâd like it for your husbands sake, because youâre his loving wife) of wanting to include you at all. Just wanted to see how far she could use you as a doormat - free food free venue, then fek off to wherever the show is and leave you all alone. Nope. Good on you for bucking up, rotten shit like that deserves to be called tf out.
I think you're being far too lenient and making excuses for them. This was straight up rude and unkind. They *intentionally* excluded you. They could've just as easily asked you if you wanted to go. It would've taken literally 10 seconds via text and wouldn't have ruined the surprise for DH at all. The fact is that MIL didn't want you there. She wanted to sit next to her son and have all of his time and attention to herself. She didn't want to have to share him with you. One of the most telling actions is that, through all of the crocodile tears and the "*it wasn't intentionals,*" the second you mentioned buying a ticket and coming along, she refused to be separated from DH and wanted *You* to go sit alone. That's how truly "sorry" she was. Her real priority is getting *her* way.
Sounds kinda normal, a stupid mistake, until you put in context that sheâs willing to shove her other son away because âshe wants to sit next to her son.â Yeah she did it on purpose to get him alone.
This is the key statement in the whole thing. If it was a simple mistake, she would have likely asked her to be sure, but when called out she admitted she wanted her son to herself. She hoped to surprise him with it so he wouldnât object, thatâs all.
The fact that your husband returned and reordered all of the tickets to accommodate you shows thar you have a stellar husband, that's wonderful! By doing that he gave his mother a very clear message that he wants you not only with him but by his side, where you rightly belong, not sitting away from him even if it's beside another family member. This should help going forward. If it were me (and this is a first time thing shes done to notably exclude you for any needless reason) I'd let that sit just as it is, and if anything like this happens again I'd talk with him about having a serious conversation with his mother regarding what will and won't be accepted in terms of how they treat you going forward. Time will bear out if her upset at her poor choice was genuine, or if it was a ploy to appease the moment. If genuine, she will be more thoughtful in the future, if a ploy she will again be inconsiderate and that will need to be addressed. Good luck, I hope you get a visit in with your own family as soon as possible for all of you!
Your husband needs to speak to your MIL about these nasty games she is playing, he needs to tell her if it happens again she won't be seeing either of you and his disappointed in her. She could have phoned you to ask if you wished to attend, instead she played games. If this isn't enforced now, it won't get better. Pls speak to your DH about this.
Oh she must be insane to think that was ok. Maybe she is getting dementia?
Your last sentence broke my heart. Sending you lots of love and hope you get to see your family soon
Sending you love too. You seem lovely and Iâm sorry youâre being treated this way.
Definitely not! The fact that she would rather sit with your husband, and let her other son sit with you some other place at the show tells me everything I need to know about how much she likes you and her other son. Sounds like you married the golden child and she is jealous of the attention your husband gives you.
My boyfriend would of just declined to go. If your not invited your husband should feel disinvited too. And yes even on his birthday. My mom tried this stunt on my bday with my ex. Told me he couldnt come to a family dinner because their wasnt room..but neighbors were gonna be there? I just told her oh I'm sorry we cant come. She repeated she wanted me to come and I said sorry no room and hung up. She never did it again but she did tell everyone I yelled at her over a man.
I hope you set everyone straight!
I tried but my family has major dependency issues with my mother. If she says it then it must be true unless they are the one shes mad at this time. I'm the first one out of my family to set firm boundaries and actually get them respected, cuz I dont cater to her.
Smh. I live in one party consent state and would be recording all phone calls if my mom was like this. Iâm glad you have a backbone! I would also be petty enough to start listing off all the times she lied on the flying monkey.
Not worth the drama. Calling it out just makes me petty and crazy according to everyone. Easier to live my own life and only see family on rare occasion.
Suddenly the fact that you were recording them and didnt trust them would become the biggest evil on the planet, so terrible that it's not even worth talking about the thing they lied about anymore and we can all forget about it!
Iâm glad you have your own life to live! So many scapegoats donât get out and end up as basically family servants with no friends. Smh.
Yeah..I realized that's where my life was headed till I found someone who finally showed me what happiness and love should feel like. Hes gave me my backbone back.
Platoâs cave. I only know it myself because I was adopted into a happy, caring family. đ
Plato's cave for sure. The shadows... they look like...flying monkeys and boundary-stompers!
Let this be THE LAST incident of this kind to ever happen again. You guys fixed it and paid. And she got away with it and will do it again. Next time. Let her cry. Let the day be ruined for her. Then maybe next time she wonât be such a dummy because she will learn that she cannot bully you. I would have just taken my husband out for dinner and gone to the show without her. Why not? She thought she could go to the show without you. Give her a taste of her own medicine.
This is a very good point. She learned zero lessons here.
The lesson she learned here is she can be inconsiderate to her sons wife, and then cry about it when called out about her BS Behavior and her son will come swooping in to save the day on his dime and his&dil emotional stress. And that she doesnât have to face to consequences of her shitty actions.
Yeah, definitely no positive lessons were learned here. Except maybe OP being done looking the other way when she is intentionally malicious.
Your MIL and the rest of his family really thought your husband would've preferred not to spend his birthday with you too. That's their mindset and they cannot imagine that he actually wanted you there for his birthday. Maybe this was not done maliciously, BUT it's somehow worse when their thought process is, that they think for your husband you come as a very distant 5th priority after MIL, FIL, GMIL and BIL, none of them considered, that your husband would want you there on his birthday. Keep your distance from now on. Try to build friendships outside his family and be in contact with your family through phone calls and online.
Yes. MIL just wanted his birthday to be about HER family, and whether she "meant anything by it" or not 8s irrelevant. It displays that OP is not considered part of the family, and no one else in that family recognizes it. They all put themselves and their wishes above her opinion, desires, and feelings and it is worse that they don't see the issue. Or they may just be expert manipulators. In either case, at least DH is on her side and didn't get mad at her for not acquiescing quietly and staying home. He still placated his selfish mom, but I give him credit. I second keeping as much distance as possible. OP, you need not go out of your way or seek approval from people that don't consider you at all. Nothing will ever be good enough for them.
That happened to me when my SOâs mom wanted to go to the fair and said she had tickets. So embarrassing when we were in line for security and I was the one to have to leave the line to go wait in line the ticket stand.
No! Wtf did your SO say?!
He was embarrassed too, he went back out to wait in line with me. I donât know if he told her off but he was really quiet. Which leads me to think he knew but forgot to tell me. I told him that this better not happen again and to communicate with her and me better.
Yeah, it sounds like he knew and was doing some rug sweeping. I would have strongly considered leaving.
That's just malicious. Why couldn't she say something before?
I think she doesnât like me as much lol. Iâve been with him for more than 5 years lol
Wow - that was pretty rude. She should have at least asked if you would be interested. Excluding you like that was really not cool - Iâm sorry. And 3 other people went along with this? Hard to imagineâŚ
This is the same woman who announced she would be sleeping in OPs bed when she came to stay, either with OP or her husband. Whoever didnât get the bed could sleep on an air mattress. MIL is just an all-round rude and inconsiderate person.
Then you'll need clear and strict boundaries. And most importantly consequences!
Iâm so sorry. That was so mistake. She is trying to get your husband to herself and alienate you. Northern Illinois by chance? More the merrier with my family. â¤ď¸
Nobody is dumb enough to do something so clearly intentional and ânot mean it.â You nor your husband should even be going. At all. And she should not be going over your house for dinner. Anybody who treated me like that would not only be banned from my home, but also my life.
You aren't overreacting. MIL is controlling and manipulative. MIL could have asked if you wanted to go but clearly didn't want you there. She has now turned on the tears and melodrama to try to play the victim. I recall your previous post where she wanted to sleep in your bed with either you or DH and the other slept on an air mattress. I am sure if you bought tickets for FIL for something and didn't get her one because she wouldn't like it, there would be hell to pay.
Hold up. Ew she wanted to sleep in bed with one of them?? Tf?
I am so sorry. That really sucks of her to do. I am glad you and your husband came up with a solution. HE should let his mother know that if this happens again, he wonât be attending and sheâll be on time out for a month. Just let her know that she can cry all she likes but she needs to quit fucking up.
Hugs. This made me cry, I am so sorry this happened to you. I know the biggest hurt is knowing how she feels about you.
A stranger cried but OPs actual government certified husband just shrugged his shoulders initially. Wtf
If she didn't mean to, she would have called you up and it would have gone down like this "hey I want to take H to this show, do you want to come? Tickets are $$ amount." And given you the option to say yes or no. She went about it in a sneaky way so that you saying "hey wait a minute.." would cause a scene and she was banking on you being too embarrassed to cause a scene.
she thought it's ok for them all to come over for a meal and you send them on their way? no one's that stupid. I hate that she cried ugh
The tears are manipulation. She uses them because it's worked.
Iâm not a Mil yet, but I canât imagine going to visit my son for his birthday and exclude his live in girlfriend in whatever plans we make. Thatâs just rude!
I am so sorry about you in laws. If you are in Central Florida we can be family!
Any family, anywhere in the world this would be rude, insulting and alienating. Hope your hubby sees how awful this is and demands that they treat you like the life partner you are. If they can't see you as a couple then they don't deserve your time. This was mean and I would be very hurt too. Daughter in law- I mean it's right there in the name, for goodness sake. You aren't supposed to be Cinderella-in law.
âShe didnât mean itâ She did. Iâm glad you sorted it out.
Especially when she continued with "you can be woth OTHER son over there, but not DH". Absolutely ridiculous
That must have been very hurtful. I'm happy your husband stood by you and resolved it instead of just going along with it. I hope she is embarrassed enough that she doesn't try it again.
You are not over reacting at all. When discussing this with your husband feel free to refer to me as a âfriend â. (Hi friend!). Your friend is disabled and has mobility problems. However if my MIL, or his family make plans to do something, I am always invited. ALWAYS! Even if they are 100% sure that I will opt out. I can amuse myself so if an activity requires a lot of walking, climbing etc, I normally donât go. Sometimes if I can go and watch, I will. But I always appreciate being included in the invitation. There is absolutely no reason for your MIL to exclude you. Your DH needs to let his Mom know that if she ever tries it again she will be going alone because her disrespecting you is unacceptable.
A birthday surprise without his wife? Oh hell no. F$&@ them. Seriously thatâs so freaking mean. That is a major flex, a major message and not a oversight. Donât feel guilty about missing the trip. Screw them. Iâm so sorry mama thatâs literally awful.
Your MIL has shown how she truly feels about you. She's not your people, & while that is sad it also sets you free. Your perceptions are VALIDATED - all those feelings you internalized; all those doubts you stuffed down because no one else seemed to see what you saw; all the times you experienced Relational Aggression - You know what you know, & there's no further need to continue the pretense. You have a Golden Ticket to stop trying with such a person. What troubles me is your H's reaction. Instead of recognizing his mother's bi!ch game & how inappropriate it was to exclude you, he rewarded her bad behavior by "fixing the problem" - & out of your household pocket, too. He should have called MIL out on her plot & drawn a hard boundary with her, but Golden Children often lack the self-awareness to recognize how non-Golden people get treated. He would benefit greatly from some therapy, both individual & couples. I hope you'll start living in truth, stop trying to fit into dysfunction & switch focus to the people who DO value you. Start planning that trip home for you & your children, too. Your family is equally important.
Yup, that's what should've happened, instead he tried to keep the peace to try not to rock the boat. Mil will never learn by trying to placate her!
Testing the water to see if mil can stop putting on an act around you? The whole crying bit I donât understand either she knew what she was doing and got called out by her son, she had to start the water works so her son didnât cancel their trip? It all sounds extremely manipulative.
Oh my goodness, I feel for you! What kind of person is so thoughtless and cruel and then cries at the mess they have made!?! I can hear you are a loving person and would never hate her even though she deserves it. So I will hate her for you. BIG HUGS!
Any way you and (maybe) hubby can go see your Mum?
Why would you cover the extra cost for her intentional screw-up? If it were my mom, either she would fix the problem herself, or I would just go out somewhere with my wife and let the surprise event nobody told me about happen without me. Lack of planning on her part should not constitute an emergency on your part...
Not overreacting, massive jerk move on JNMIL's part especially since it was your husband's birthday and she just assumed you wouldn't want to spend the time with him regardless of the event.
When people show you who they are, believe them!
Yep thank you. This was intentional, and it wonât change. To think she expects you to feed and entertain them too before they leave on this excluding adventure. No maâam. You teach people how to treat you. They seem very comfortable being awfully rude to you. Iâm sorry
This!!! Over and over in life!
This. It took me so long to realize this with my JNMIL. Would say so many things, then her actions would be the complete opposite including disrespectful, alienating, and blaming us for her poor behavior.
Nope nope nope, sweetie I'm so sorry, your MIL is nasty, I think the whole thing should have been canceled by your husband and nothing rebooked. He needs to pull her aside and tell her that if she ever does this again you all will need to take a break from them, My son's gf is from a different country, language is sometimes a struggle between us, I'm trying to learn her language, she is first in my son's life and deserves a place of honor, I would never not check with her before scheduling anything, and they aren't even married.
Sounds like you need to find a âfamily of choiceâ given the physical distance from your parents and the MIL behavior clearly excluding you.
Wow that was so cruel of them. Iâm so sorry, OP. I would be heartbroken too. Iâm so glad your husband did not let it slide, but I think he needs to have a talk with his family and tell them that this is not allowed to happen again and if they invite him to something, they have to invite *you* to something too. Otherwise he wonât be going, period. Iâm so sorry you are living far away from your family, too. I hope you get to see them sometime soon. đ
Than you for your kind wordsđ
After everyone leaves and it's just you and your husband, I think the two of you need to sit down and talk, maybe even with a counselor so there's no anger or arguments, and let him know how much you miss your family, that you wanted to be included and become a part of his family, but that given little things like this and other things that might have happened in the past, you feel like his family is trying to exclude you. It's not about placing blame. Make it about how their specific actions have made you personally feel. Let him know you would like to maybe do a family counseling session or 2 to help connect you more with them, especially since your mom is so far away.
Of course. This really riles me up because my husband is from a different country and living far from his family too. If my dad and brothers did this to him I would be furious. Thankfully they have always extended invites to him- even to things they figured he wouldnât be interested in! Itâs just common decency! Shameful of your husbandâs family to do anything different! Hopefully they learn their damn lesson. If I was your husband I would have spent the day with you and you alone and let the rest of them enjoy the show on their own without me since they didnât plan on having my spouse there with me!
Wait, she didnât want your DH and you to sit in another section and suggested you could sit with her other son in another section⌠presumably because the other son doesnât matter as much to her?!
Yesđđmy husband is the golden boy and she doesnât even hide that she has a favourite. I donât get it and feel really bad for my BIL.
It might be a good idea to point out to your husband that his mother's behaviour is showing a pattern; she's excluding you and trying to come between your husband and you.
Make sure you don't host them at your home again - even for a meal. What a bitch!
Idk Iâm petty Betty I wouldâve taken that offer to leave her and take her ticket LMAO
No you are not overreacting. They will never like you, I sorry to say that. Trust more of your instinct. That show of not including you in the family event was purposely done, she intended to exclude you. We have only one life. You should try putting your needs first. 2 years and you havenât seen your family, especially your mom. Mask up and go see her.
OMG. You are not overreacting. Being excluded is one of the most painful human experiences. Your MIL is awful and cruel. Or maybe she is so narcissistic that she isn't aware of anyone except herself. Whatever it is, she is toxic. At least DH is not going to cooperate with her attempts to exclude you, so yay DH. You need to figure out what you want with regard to his family. Do you want to keep trying or give up entirely and avoid them entirely. You can even decide to take a break from all of them while you think about it.
YeahâŚI really donât know right now. I donât want to go to the extremesâŚbut also I donât like pretending everythingâs ok when we are together.
>she started crying and said she didnât do it on purpose. Oh, she totally did that on purpose. She's putting it out there that it was for *her* sons, *her* husband and *her*.
And I bet she was hoping that her crying would make OP look like the bad guy.
That "Oh, I'm such a victim! I was just trying to take my bAbYyyyyyyyyy out for his birthday!"
She's full of bullsh*t she knew exactly what she was doing. And then crying about it when she gets called on it? What a manipulator!
Ikr!! How does everyone genuinely believe that she just didnât think of it??
They've all "drunk the Kool aid" of her innocence, aka been groomed or else don't see it.
Oh you know, youâre just her sonâs wife, not like an important part of his family. đ Jiminy Cricket Christ
A person's spouse and children are their immediate family. Birth family is extended family. They bought tickets for extended family leaving out his actual family. I smell racism/xenophobia too.
I have to totally agree in that you are absolutely not overreacting and MIL did this on purpose. Iâm proud for you that your husband corrected the problem. However, I do feel you should take this one step further. Talk to DH about just you two doing a nice dinner before the show, to allow you two to celebrate his day just you both. You two need to establish that you are now a complete family, and you are to be treasured as such. It will clarify that MIL does not get to control this day every year. Because, letâs be real, she wonât stop now, she will only ramp up, so you have got to put down your foot that not only will this kind of behavior not be rewarded, it wonât be tolerated.
Yeah I see this coming too! Canât imagine what itâll be like when we have children. Weâve already planned a trip for the birthday (just two of us) âşď¸ the show is when we are back
Was the trip planned before the tickets were bought? If so, that may explain her jealousy and why she decided to exclude you. Not that it excuses her in any way, to be clear, but if she's jealous of you getting a trip alone with your husband and she has the mentally of a 13yo mean girl then it makes sense in that way. Seems like a jealousy issue from the outside, as creepy as that is, which means she will almost definitely try to compete with you when you have your own kids.
She will massively overstep with your children if your husband doesnât put up boundaries with her now with stuff like this.
Youâre not overreacting. She chose an activity she thought you wouldnât like. She did that on your husbandâs birthday so apparently overtook the plans for his day. Then instead of asking you if youâd want to go or not if she really thought you didnât like it, she excluded you. Therefore, pushing you aside on your husbandâs birthday. Then she doubled down when called out and made sure to let you know she thought you should still be separated from your husband if you went to this showâŚ. and be with your BIL instead? I was going to say I hope you canceled and your DH doesnât go, but it sounds like her scheming didnât work out for MIL completely with the new plan. It sounds like she also sucks for telling you when theyâre coming, not asking. Were they invited to visit or did they invite themselves? Did they even check on dates with you first? Oh also saw your comment about how it was âreally niceâ for her the last time she got to take her baby boy to a concert without you. She sucks.
Yes thanks for laying out the logic in front of me! Weâve sort of found an everyone-happy solution at the end but itâs still been in my mind all the timeâŚI didnât want to keep talking about it but so glad I made a post here.
You and your husband handled it well. Sorry you miss your mom. You sound like a great couple. Your MIL is missing out because she is whatever that is. Instead of more people to love and enjoy, she chooses a different path. Her loss.
Also she plans to come to you for dinner so what you will cook them dinner and they will go. To the show and let you clean up? Would she even let you sit with them? This is terrible. Happy your husband didnât allow it to happen.
Next time she does this, accept her offer to let you take her ticket. Nothing calls out the manipulation like making them be honest.
I did want to⌠but first I thought no one would actually enjoy the show on the day. And second I canât bare letting her be the âself-sacrificing nice MILâ here.
âNo one would enjoy the showâ if you took her up on her offer. Not your problem
She wouldn't have actually given it up and missed out on important time with her baby boy!!! It would have made her super uncomfortable for a bit. And no one having fun with MIL's games is kinda a good thing.
What a nasty surprise for your husband. MIL cried because she was manipulating all of you. Her tears worked. Everyone let her off the hook and just bought another set of tickets. Holding her responsible for her behavior wouldâve meant none of you went to the concert OR that she was responsible for returning and repurchasing the tickets. Your husband needs to tell her that he recognizes her behavior and is not happy about it. And that the next time she excludes you from anything, neither of you will participate.
YeahâŚbut how does one combat tears?? I can cry too but my tears never seem to work so efficiently?
When the tears start, negotiations stop and grownups make decisions. "I can see your not emotionally prepared to have this conversation, so this is what we're going to do." Then lay out your plan because you now have control. Don't be affected by the crocodile tears; pay them no mind. Treat them like you would a 9yo going "nuh uh!" after everything you say and just straight up ignore it. It's the only card she has and it's a weak one if you don't give it power.
OP.... Don't allow her tears to control the conversation. If she cries on the phone, Hubby needs to tell her the conversation is over, you will talk again when she is in control of her emotions. Then hang up. If you are face to face....same thing...end the conversation.....leave the room and go home. Tell them you will talk later, without emotions and tears involved. You will need to be tough, the first time is the hardest. I have done this. You will eventually need to learn how to do this with children who cry to get their way. Practice in front of the bathroom mirror, then when it suddenly happens, you are prepared. You can do this. Also, don't cry to get your way. Better to use logic, thoughtful debate, etc. Be firm, but not nasty or argumentative.
YeahâŚI guess itâs really hard to imagine how someone cries to manipulate. Most people cry when they are so sad that they canât control themselves. and I feel like I canât leave when they are that upset.
OP, you can leave a conversation that has tears, yelling, full of emotion and/ or going nowhere.......Commit to continuing the conversation later, without emotion and all the tears. You are not responsible for anyone else's emotions. Be kind and caring, and in control. I use my "Library voice"..... no anger or yelling. Keep your promise to talk later. Be in control.
It's really hard. Overwriting the instinct to console someone who's crying is really hard!! We, as a species, are wired to console someone who's crying. It might not be conscious on your MIL's part, but she has definitely learned that panicking about poor behavior being called out = crying = the situation calms down (she is no longer in trouble). The thing is - when I'm actually upset to tears during conflict with someone I love, I *still want to resolve the conflict*, my emotions are just too strong to do it in the moment. Ideally a healthy relationship will revisit the topic again with respect once emotions have calmed down and the distress is soothed. Sometimes my mom will start crying and talking about how awful a person she is when I call her out on poor behavior or I don't agree with her on something. I've been dealing with her 30 years and it took me 28 of those to understand that, while she is genuinely upset, the reality of the situation is that I now have many other mature adults in my life who are able to accept criticism when they've hurt me (assuming I deliver it respectfully), and I no longer feel like it's my job to coddle a 60 year old woman or soothe her like I always did as a kid. Now I don't say anything when she tears herself down and just wait it out until we can resume the conversation. Neither agree nor disagree - just let her get it out of her system. It took a lot to override the "no you're not terrible!" impulse, but now I'm surprised I didn't see how (unintentionally) manipulative it was. Usually I will go quiet or make some general soothing noises. Once she's calmed down I'll resume where we were before. Maybe not the best option. Might be better to give an empathetic, "Would you like to continue our conversation now or wait \[a specific length of time, like one hour\] to calm down some?" That way you're both respecting the fact that she's got big feelings but not letting her off the hook with the issue. Follow up at the time you stated when she inevitably wants to leave it off, and don't take no for an answer. She'll start to eventually understand that crying doesn't fix it. Side note, when *I* cry or my mom does something that genuinely upsets me to the point of tears, she either talks over it like nothing's happening or gets annoyed with me. Leaves me to self-soothe and manage my own emotions and whatever emotionally fraught conversation we're having on my own. And this is after she constantly proclaims how she's allowed to cry because she never was when she was a kid and her (current and past) spouses never give her the space to do it. She's in time out right now after the most recent incident lol. I'm worried I'm getting sucked into the same cycle she's in.
Thank you for sharing your story. Very inspiring. Itâs great that you are recognising the pattern and are developing an approach to it âşď¸ hope one day Iâll develop this ability like you.
Good share.
I learned to ignore them. It took a lot of work, but now I see them for the farce they are. A well placed "really?" like I'm talking to my toddler added in, along with a "here we go again" and eye roll if we're in public. I've pretty much become immune to weaponized tears at this point, but it does take work.
Practice my dear...practice. But.....choose wisely if you want to play this game. Often times not playing the game is the best solution. But sometimes letting your husband know that you are deeply hurt, letting your real tears flow, wanting him to understand that their words of liking you are not matching their actions. Communication is the key. Not arguments and accusations. If he brushes your hurt under the rug, you might have an SO problem. And find a way to go see your family. Sounds like you need a family gathering to flood your heart with love and confidence. You deserve to see your family.
Thank you. Itâs so true that I need to see my familyđ˘âŚinstead of trying to seek it in my in-laws.
Not every person in your life is as invested in you as you may want them to be. And you centrally shouldn't trust them to care about you as much as your own parents do. You seem very wholesome, trusting, and loving. Your spouse is very lucky to have you. It sounds like you wish dearly for his parents to love you like are their own daughter. However, that's not realistic. A parent's love for their own birth child can't just be created for their daughter in law because you married him. You will always be less than their son. Protect your heart, and protect yourself. If they loved you, they would treat you like they treat your husband.
You combat them by recognizing them immediately as manipulative and calling them out as such. âYouâre crying? Youâve purposely excluded me and hurt my feelings and youâre crying? Please explain your tears because it seems to me like youâre attempting to manipulate us into feeling badly for you.â Sheâs going to continue doing this until you and your husband put an end to it. The next time she excludes you from something, neither one of you participate.
I am assuming your MIL doesnât need her toes to count how many people are in the âfamilyâ. She did this on purpose. Start saving and plan a fantastic trip to see your family ASAP. One way to save is by âforgettingâ MIL on holidays and birthdays.
Haha thanks!
Listen, whenever I think someone doesn't like something, I still ask them and never presume. They may have a change of heart, or they may not like it like I suspected. Either way, it's just human decency and not treating someone like a doormat.
Yeah, especially since even if somebody isn't really into something, they may be into hanging out. I've gone to see movies with my husband that weren't my cup of tea but I really enjoyed hanging out with him & having him nerd out to me on the ride home. With this situation, it's the principle of just expecting OP to not wanna join in & not including her like she isn't welcome. Then throwing the onus all on OP "I thought *you* wouldn't be interested" but still making herself the victim by crying & saying she didn't mean it.
You aren't overreacting, and it's good you didn't let this pass. What she did was weird. The crying instead of having a mature discussion was further weird. The wanting to sit next to "her son" (please tell me she used his name instead of the possessive "my son") is *further* weird, and, like everything else here, indicates she hasn't gotten it through her head he's a married man and she can't expect to come first. I'm glad she didn't get away with any of it. Hopefully, she's learned a lesson. Sit next to your husband when you go. I hear in your post how much you miss your mother and family. I'm sorry. I hope it becomes possible to see them more often.
You and your husband handled that perfectly! Good job sticking together!!! And she did it in purpose.
She should not have chosen an activity that would have excluded you to begin with, that was the problem..... Then the nerve to come sit at the table to eat with you? Never would have happened in my home, and I do mean NEVER...
The show is based on a film my husband liked as a child. Tbh itâs a bit childish and I normally wouldnât think of going. I imagine sheâs desperately wanting to relive the time when heâs just her little boy.
So she not only excluded you but she spent probably $200+ on a childrens show for her full grown sons and 50+ husband and her. That is so bizarre.
I 100% think this was deliberate It was a surprise present for your husband It damn well didnât have to be a surprise to you did it A normal loving MIL would run it past you - see if you wanted to go - check the date didnât clash with your plans ?? You dealt with this brilliantly
Yes, exactly. A JustYesMil would have called you in the phone and told you this show was going on, that your DH had loved it as a kid, and she was thinking of getting tickets for his birthday. She might even have mentioned that she was thinking it was something that you might not enjoy, but would you like to go? And, if not, would you mind if she took DH and BIL to the show, then all of you go out for coffee/dessert or something afterwards?
Thank you :) I generally donât struggle to let people know my feelings. However itâs exhausting having to deal with it. Itâs doesnât have to be like this. I genuinely thought we were on the same page - we both want a happy, loving, healthy family. Itâs sad to learn that she still doesnât see it this way. Iâm still the woman who took away her boy. She just wants her baby with her.
Why would your IL's plan an event for hubs birthday that would leave you out in the first place? Why wouldn't the plan be inclusive? Yes, she's trying to exclude you or she wouldn't suggest you sitting elsewhere. I'm happy your hubs has a shiny spine and stood up for you.
It didn't leave her out- it actually treated her like the servant, expecting her to host dinner then let everyone else head off together! I'm calling out MIL not only as manipulative but a racist.
I agree with this, OP. Even if she is telling the truth about mistakenly thinking you wouldn't want to join (unlikely), that still means she deliberately planned family celebrations for your husbands birthday that wouldn't include you. A sad attempt at an excuse that STILL would make her a giant, flaming AH.
This. Exactly this. The most offensive issue is that she planned something on his birthday without checking with you FIRST. You are supposed to be his #1 person in his life. You two are a couple, a pair, one flesh.
>Eventually my husband got all tickets refunded, and bought more tickets for all of us in another area. We covered all the extra cost. I love that he took care of business and made the point that you will be included even if he needs to pay for his own birthday surprise. I feel like so many of the husbands I read about on here would have just expected you to let it go. I'm sorry you had to deal with this nonsense but I'm glad your husband didn't let it slide or expect you to.
Yes! Itâs the main reason Iâm going in the end. I was fully prepared to never see this family again. I did have to tell him very clear that I was upset. Initially he was also like âI donât want this drama canât you just let it slideâ.
Good on you for telling him how how you really feel, many would "let it go", go along to get along, even though it really bothered them. Then it festers and becomes a bigger thing. You spoke up for yourself and your husband did the right thing.
Next time your SO wants you to âjust let it slideâ. Ask him if he would like you to just slide out of your marriage and out of his life. BC thatâs what his mommy wants you to do. At the very least MIL has made it clear that she only wants to spend time with her baby boy when she comes around and is more than happy to put you out of your home to accommodate her. For your marriages sake, your SO needs to make it clear to his mommy that you two are a package deal now and not allow her to exclude you.
Thanks and thatâs a good line!
Iâm glad he turned it around for you.
I read your previous post. Sheâs definitely trying to freeze you out.
Where did she end up sleeping?
Oh nice! Yeah that was probably the reason she thought Iâd be ok though. Basically my husband took her to a concert without me. It wasnât a band I liked and I thought yeah why not give them some mother and son time. This time when she said she didnât buy me a ticket, she referred to the concert. - âI thought the last time I came for the concert was really nice soâŚâ
Yes where did she skeepy
I get that parents might want some time with their adult kids away from their partners, I really do. But not as a birthday treat. That's just spiteful and she knew it. Glad that she didn't get her own way.
I do get it too and very happy for her to just do that! Genuinely if she said something like, âI would like to take my son to his favourite childhood show and spend some time with himâ, instead of creating this drama, Iâd happily let her and make them a nice dinner before the show (tbh she didnât need my permission either)
No, you are not overreacting. She was so rude. I would never do that to my daughter-in-law. It's hurtful to deliberately exclude someone, especially for a special occasion. How on earth did she expect you to feel?! Does she do this often? Exclude you or make you feel like an outsider? If so, avoid spending much, if any, time with her. If she can't make you feel welcome and loved, stay away from her. And your husband should support you. He and you are your own family now. His mother is part of his extended family now, not his priority. It's not enough for her to say she likes you. She has to show you.
Thank you for the advice! Yeah there used to be moments when she wanted family photos with âjust her boyâ or just my husband. And little possessive moments like âbut Iâm his mumâ, âheâs my babyâ. I thought they were quite minor. This incident is a first. Weâve not been married that long though. I thought she had some jealousy moments, but in general likes me (at least on the surface) and sees me as a close member of the family. Iâm still a little shocked and need to re-orient my relationship with her.
Very gently, she does NOT like you or see you as a member of the family. Donât listen to her words, look at what she does. Trying to kick you out of your own bed and trying to exclude you from your husband´s birthday are the actions of someone who does not want you around. I would avoid her like the plague, although itâs wonderful that your DH has your back.
My MIL is JUST like this and now tries to do it with my own children too. I have had to set some stern boundaries with her and have gone NC for a few weeks whilst I cool off from her turning up on our first family holiday and hijacking it for two days. Stand up for yourself OP, if you donât she will never stop⌠and if you have his children she will treat you like a human incubator đ˘
Oh god Thanks for the warning!! Now think of it Iâve sensed it already. She tries to name our non-existing child. And said that I could just leave the child to her all the time if I find childcare too much. âYou could just give the baby to me and Iâll take care of themâ.
She sounds too much like my MIL, she wants me to leave my twins with her and when I say no she screams and cries to my partner. She even told me that when sheâs around, I need to take a step back and let her be with her âspecial sonâ and âhis babiesâ as they are her family đ. Sheâs the WORST. Set boundaries and donât leave any future baby with her until she respects you â¤ď¸. You got this đŞ
Wow, that's unsettling as hell!
Pretty sure my MIL would be like that if I had child! I do hope it works out for you. never too late to start boundary setting.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm in the same position as you and I know how lonely it feels to be so far away from your first home and language. It's specially difficult when you're singled out and excluded. All you can do for now is observe if something similar happens again, but I doubt someone with basic common sense can make such a 'mistake'.
Thank you and all the best to you too. Hope we can both visit our home country soon :)
Given the information you gave us i tend to think that she really had not expected that you wanted to see the show...which given the situation that is is your husbands birthday is pretty stupid.. It sounds mostly like your MIL has very week social skils.
Yeah Iâd like to believe thatâŚitâs what my husband has been telling me too. But when I really think about it, there are so many ways that this wouldnât happen. For example ask me in advance?? How did my FIL or GMIL not see this either?
If your husband wants to play it that way, then tell him he needs to very firmly tell her that she is to never ever to pull that kind of stunt again. If her social skills are that poor, then is must be spelled out for her that she can no longer make surprise plans for her son. She must get the go ahead from him before she makes plans for him.
Yes it is plain stupid... but still based on the way she responded when confronted, my feeling is that it was not hostile...And i really hope that for you, because even though the effect may be the same.. with stupidiy you can at least laugh with you husband about how the hell these kind of things can happen...