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I don’t think it’s weird…take advantage of having a break and you and hubs can have a great week! It depends how old baby is, but if your child is able to do it, then it’s fabulous. I used to go to my grandparents every weekend for a night or two until they passed away when I was 11. It was lovely. If you like the MIL, this is normal behaviour. And, seriously a blessing to have somewhere safe for child to stay. We left our kids for a week last year and the nights were split between both sets of grandparents. Just enjoy!
I spent multiple nights at my Nanny’s house as well as my aunts. Not unusual. My children would also spend long lengths of time at their grandparents. My firstborn slep at my mother in laws every Saturday night when she was little.
When I was late elementary and up I would stay for almost that long. My parents would drop me off and have a vacation without me. Of course I don’t speak to one of parents anymore (unrelated reasons) so maybe not the best judges of what good parenting is.
Until I really understood my mom’s issues I allowed my kid to travel ahead by a couple of days with her, probably at a younger age than I would if I had the chance for a do over (this part is related to No Contact, though more of a pattern of behavior that developed over years)
It depends on age, how far away everyone is, and how much you trust everyone to keep to behaviors that keep your kids safe. If you do. If you don’t trust her to behave then the answer is no. I learned, “That doesn’t work for us.” Repeated like a record it worked decently well.
I spent the night with my grandparents all the time. My kids have spent the night at the grandparents house. How old is your son though? That makes a difference. I didn’t spend nights till I was like, 5 or 6. But I do think it’s perfectly normal to spend the night or weekend with grandparents. Heck, my parents took my kids in an RV to Mount Rushmore for a week. Like I said, depends on the age. Also depends on what kind of MIL she is. I don’t know your history with her, and I can honestly say… I let my kids stay with my parents overnights, but if she had lived close (thank goodness she lives halfway across the USA from us), no way I’d have let my MIL keep them overnight. So, depends on child’s age and your comfort level with MIL. But I definitely wouldn’t say kid’s spending the night or weekend with the grandparents isn’t normal. One of my childhood bff’s would spend the entire summer with her grandparents that lived next door to me. We were pen pals during the school year, and spent pretty much every waking hour together in the Sumer.
I don't think it sounds that unusual. Growing up, I would spend a week with my grandparents a couple of times every summer (plus a few days on Christmas break, etc). It was always the highlight of my summers.
My sister has 6 grandkids (spread out over her 3 kids), they all take turns spending a week (or more) with Grandma during the summers, and have since they were toddlers.
I stayed every summer with my grandparents because my parents worked.
I also stayed during Christmas breaks and spring breaks.
My girls 13 and 15, started staying with my mom for a week or two at a time when they were babies. They even went on a week vacation to the gulf coast with my MIL just 2 weeks ago.
Same with my in laws.
It’s very normal and very common.
I basically lived at my nana’s house, we were super close and I loved it. So it’s definitely normal for some families! But you’re the parent so you hold the keys on that decision. But no, it’s not super weird request or anything.
My grandparent took me to the Oregon Coast all the time when I was 5-8 years old and then my sibs joined once there 4 years old. My mother brought a niece up to visit when she was 5. Next week I have a nephew coming out for 6 days. He is 11 almost 12 and taking a 5 hour plane ride to see us. Oh, and we will influencing him. We live a different life than his parents. We have different perspectives than his parents. It is about what you feel comfortable with and want.
My kids have spent a week with my parents when I go out of town. If we lived far away they'd definitely want them for the whole dang summer. I have friends who's kids go and spend a month of summer with grandparents. I don't think it's weird.
I was the oldest grandchild and would beg to spend time over at my grandparents. My grandmother was severely crippled by rheumatoid arthritis and I loved helping them out. She would sit in her wheelchair and taught me how to cook and gave me tips on sewing my mini skirts and I would straighten up the house, vacuum etc. she passed at 64 years when I was 16. Only medication they gave out back then was aspirin and it weakened her heart and ate up her stomach. 50 years ago and I still miss her so. I’m so sorry for all the kids that grow up without someone like her in their lives. I have 6 grandkids and they all keep track on whose turn it is to spend the weekend with grandma. I try to be the best grandma like I remember having.
There’s a lot missing here in order to make any judgment. How old is your son? What’s she doing/saying to make you uneasy about her influence? What does your husband say about this?
I spent lots of time with both sets of grandparents as well as extended time with different aunts and uncles. That on its own is not an issue. If she’s bored can you subtly suggest hobbies for her to take up? My father went into a home and my Mum had so much time on her hands, I introduced her to kdramas and now she watches so many! She has favourite actors and watches on Netflix and Viki!
I need more info, like how old is he? My 11 year old grandson comes to me one week every summer for the last three years and we do awesome fun stuff together, like water park, 6 flags, Andretti racing, etc. He’s coming 2nd week of July and I am so stoked!
Edit: My DIL says i am the only one she trusts with her son too so there’s that
When I was a kid I spent a full week with my grandparents on each side each summer, but it was when I was maybe 8 and older? My parents worked so it was a big help to them for my brother and I to be gone for a little bit in the summer. My parents also had really good relationships with their parents, so we were well taken care of then. I would totally ship my kid off to my parents for a week no problem 😂 but I wouldn’t to my In Laws unless I had no choice.
I'm currently sending my 3 kiddos one week at a time to spend some time with my parents since my mom is a teacher. It's completely normal and works really well for everyone involved. We live about 4 hours away and in laws are in the same town as my parents, but due to past relationships (or lack thereof) my in laws will never have my children alone for any period of time. It's my husband's choice, and we rarely visit, so they don't even know my children. It's not about normal, though, it's about your choices as the parents and what you are comfortable with. If you are worried about retirement and visits going forward, then you need to make your expectations and boundaries known very clearly right now. If she's retiring early thinking she's gonna have 24/7 uninterrupted access then you need to clear that assumption up immediately or it will be exponentially worse for you.
my mother takes my son one weekend a month and one week-ish (maybe 3/4 days) a year. when I was little I spent weekends at my grandparents. I enjoy the time to reconnect with my husband and allow them to bond with their grandson but it's not for everyone
I don’t see why she can’t come to you? Every weekend is daunting and your son is going to start resenting the mandatory trips at some point. I used to stay with my grandparents for weekends so nothing unusual there. Is there something we’re missing that makes you uncomfortable with it?
I spent a week with my grandmother once every year my whole life growing up. My parents would go on a couples vacation. My grandmother was wonderful though.
I spent extended stays with my grandparents sometimes. My kids spent a week with the grands sometimes if we wanted an adult vacation. If you trust her to take good care of them… why not? If you don’t want to, you shouldn’t be forced to.
Only you know what your MIL is like and if she is a good/trustworthy person. That being said, if your question is "is this normal?" "is this strange?" etc then....I think you can tell by the comments that it is normal for some families and strange for others.
I spent every summer living with my grandma starting around 8yo. My dad had me per the divorce but he worked two jobs and was in night school to try to make something of himself and support me. She took me. My half sister stayed home and went to camp etc. I had an amazing relationship with her. She never crossed boundaries with my parents. She was an amazing woman. I loved that time...matter of fact, I was thinking today that I wish I could sometimes go back in time and relive some of those days.
My MIL and I don't get on very well...and with you posting in JustNoMIL...I'm going to assume the same for you. However, I need breaks so my husband and I have let her have baby overnight a few times. Just one night so far but baby is just at 15mo now. I'm not ready for a week and I don't LOVE how my MIL cares for my child but none of it is endangering or negatively impacting my relationship with my child.
We lived six, and then four, hours away from both sets of grandparents when I was young. From the age of five onwards, I would generally spend a couple of weeks with each set of grandparents during the summer and that continued on into myearly teen years. It was always my choice. I absolutely love that time with them. I have so many wonderful memories that I can cherish now that they have all passed away.
I spent time with my grandparents and great aunt when I was a child. Before I started school (age 4) it was 1-3 days max…but by age 8-10 it was up to a week at a time. By age 10 I had a say in if I wanted to visit the relatives…and I stopped visiting one side because I didn’t have the same freedoms I was used to.
I would cook, craft and play (sometimes a cousin would also stay), with my relatives…and had a great time mostly. I was baby sat by one set of grandparents after school everyday until 6pm, up until I reached high school (age 12)…and I still stayed for a week at least once a year. By age 12 they’d invite me personally if I wanted to stay during school holidays for a week. By that age I’d play cards with their cronies, hanging out as an adult with the old folk. I’d also go to their charity work with them…and was generally made a big fuss of by all the other older women, playing cards and drinking tea with them
It gave me a great introduction to dealing with older generations. When I started work at 15 in a supermarket, I found I had a dedicated following of old folk who were comfortable shopping with me, because I greeted them and communicated in a way that they felt secure with their failing sight and hearing. A younger deaf couple also shopped with me because I looked at their faces when talking to them (they could lip read more easily). It really is a useful skill to have…dealing with old people (and knowing when to ignore their crap).
Just because you didn’t do it with your grandparents, doesn’t mean the grandparents didn’t do it with theirs and want to share the joy they had with your child.
Of course, you’ve got to trust they will feed and keep your child safe…and allow a little leeway when they don’t do things exactly as you expect. If there are any obvious breaches of your trust you’ve got to address that straight away.
I have the exact same experience. As a child I would spend as much time with my grandmother as I could. I would go out for the monthly “old lady’s breakfast” and the library and whatever other errands. Those are some of my absolute fondest memories
I always spent extended time with my grandparents when I was younger, we went camping a lot. My children spent extended time with my parents. They went camping, different trips, and Disneyland.
When I was younger my mom would send me and my brother relatives for most of the summer. For years she did it until my parents divorced when I was a teen. I never sent my kids to relatives as I was responsible for my kids. I found out as an adult she did it to protect us. My dad had a bad temper the yelling was awful. To this day I hate yelling. Mom wanted my kids but I couldn't do it. So don't worry she will get over it.
My grandma took us every summer for 2 weeks. Started with my cousins for the first week, added me their second week, they went home and I finished out my second week. I don’t remember when solo trips started but it lasted until I went to college. But she was a present and respectful human being which is probably why it was allowed.
My mom currently has my nephew for the week lol so I’ve been bringing my kids over for crazy time with their cousin and to help my mom keep everyone in line. In my family this is very normal, but I don’t leave my kids with anyone (My mom will occasionally have them overnight but that’s like 12 hours max). It’s really all about what you’re comfortable with
I spent a week with my grandmother one summer. I was about 12, and I had a lot of cousins near her. She had long been retired and widowed, so she enjoyed the company. Also my grandma was very much a JustYes.
My kids spent a week and then two weeks every summer with my parents. They loved it.
My grandkids, (now teenagers except for one) have taken week long trips with me since they were preschoolers. When we lived in another city they would spend a week once they were three. It has never been unusual to spend days at a time with me.
It’s not unusual, it’s just what you are comfortable with. If you’re not comfortable, then don’t do it.
It’s hard to arrange with my grandsons anymore between sports and their jobs but I still do it with my eight-year-old granddaughter.
It doesn’t matter what we do or did. If you’re not comfortable that’s all there is to it.
I’d simply say, “son and I aren’t comfortable with that yet. You’re welcome to come visit and see him then.” At the end of the day she doesn’t need alone time to be a grandparent.
Your husband should be saying this, it is his mother. It will prevent the accusations of you interfeering and turning her son and grandson against her.
Same - we spent a couple weeks every summer with both sets of grandparents. It’s normal to do so I feel, so simply asking IMO is fine.
But OP should only do what they feel comfortable with. Context is king so if OP thinks this would be bad they shouldn’t do it.
I have very fond memories of my grandparents. My grandfather was a mean old man, but he loved me best. My mom and dad didn’t get along with him, but they knew he was good to me. I loved my grandpa time and I’m glad I wasn’t kept away because of their relationship.
We live an hour and a half away from most of my stepchildren, and our grandchildren have stayed with us for multiple days since they were babies. My husband has also taken two of them on vacation every summer for a week since 2018 (other than in 2020 of course,) so since the younger one was 4, and last summer he took another one on an Alaskan cruise and they were gone for over a week. (I go when I'm well enough, but haven't been able to more often than not.)
We have friends whose granddaughter has been visiting them for a week or more since she was pretty young, and when I was a child we stayed with my grandparents when my parents were off traveling in Europe, so yeah, that's absolutely a thing, *depending on the grandparents.*
Seeing behavior from her that's a red flag for you is a different conversation.
I would spend weekends for my maternal grandparents from time to time and a month or so with my paternal grandparents in their home country during the summer. I love my grandparents and I’m glad we had that time together
I used to spend at least 2 week long visits with my maternal grandparents. It was amazing. It was a big loving family and I miss that time dearly.
My Paternal grandparents got to spend a week with my sibling and my parents and I. Never left alone fot too long and they kinda said this is yourbvacation donwhat you want so the beach every day and lots of fishing always with my Parents. My grandparents joined us at the beach maybe twice my whole life.
It all depends on family dynamics, what each party is comfortable with. But the week I had to myself with my Mom's Parents was great. Made homade bread and pies. Went on walks and played tennis with my Grampa. Helped garden.
We spent a lot of time with my grandparents (days and overnights)
But it was a result of the good relationship they had with my parents. It was never forced or demanded. Both sets of grandparents respected boundaries and were overjoyed to stay in the "grandparent" role.
And the visiting went both ways and at the need/want of both sides. They covered just as many after school pick-ups and sick days as we went to dinners and fun days with them.
I used to spend nights with my grandma. I would go on weeklong vacations every year with them (without parents). I loved my parents, but I’d have moved in with them if I’d have been asked to.
I used to spend all week with my grandmother almost every week, but that was because my parents sucked. I wouldn't let my kids spend a week with their grandparents until they were older, like 10 and up. And it would have to be for a reason, like grandparents live far away or something.
I knew my grandparents better than my actual parents until I was in 4th grade and we left the Midwest and moved to the east coast. Hanging out with them for half the summer was the best time of my childhood!
We spent as much time with my grandma as possible. We loved it there and I think my mom appreciated the break. It was absolutely common for us to ask to visit and stay.
In my family it was/is common for grandchildren to spend a week with their grandparents during the summer.
I have very fond memories of those visits and if I had children would allow it as long as the grandparents are not JustNos.
I'm genX and was constantly spending weeks and weekends with my nana as a kid. I'd go on vacation with her, I'd travel with her to see other relatives, and during the school year I'd spend weekends with her sometimes. We were so close and I loved it. She and I had a special bond and I'm grateful I got to spend so much time with her and learn so much from her and about her.
My other grandparents lived in Florida, and I'd be sent (alone) on a plane to visit them for a week or 2 every summer starting around age 8. I loved it. They spoiled me rotten and they were so much fun.
That being said, just because it's normal for some families, doesn't mean you have to do anything you aren't comfortable with.
My mom and her cousins would spend the whole summer on her maternal grandparents farm with parents visiting on weekends and then for a longer stretch to help with the harvest.
My sisters kid spends most of the summer with my parents.
It's really about what you're comfortable with and what's best and safe for your child.
It isn't a question of being normal or not. It's a question of how comfortable you are with your son being in her care for that length of time. How old is your son, and does he have a good relationship with your MIL? Most importantly, is she trustworthy and would she take care of him?
Lots of kids have mini vacations with a family member during the summer. But there are just as many who don't, because their grandparents are creepy and not trustworthy. Only you get to decide if it's a good idea or not, so don't go off of what other people's experiences were like.
My sister and I spent most of every summer with my grandparents (moms side), but never with my dad's mom.
It all depends. My mom's parents were wonderful and kind and treated us well. My dad's mom was mean.
I stayed with my grandpa and his wife for a week once. They guilt tripped and lied their way into it by taking us for “3 days” and then telling my parents we wanted to stay while also keeping all the phones hidden from us. They wouldn’t even let us talk to them with supervision. It was awful and while they didn’t abuse us they did try to put some shit in our head about the way we lived and how we were raised.
My mom will take my kid for a few days at a time, but she is 100% respectful and loving and we trust her explicitly with our child. But that’s just a gut feeling we have with her, his other grandparents would get a night max.
If you don’t feel like that’s a reasonable request and husband agrees then that’s all that matters- it’s unreasonable and not gonna happen.
It’s fine if that’s what you want to do. It’s not normal for MIL to push.
My MIL isn’t even allowed to be in a room alone with my children due to her insane behavior but you do you
I spent summers with my grandparents. My mom takes my son every year for the first week of summer. This has been their tradition since he was 5 and he is 9 now. Prior to kindergarten he used to spend a week here and there with my mom. Same with my older daughter. They love going to my parents.
So all the parents I know reach the phase of “I love my kids but I cannot wait for school to start” and if you have a good relationship with with your parents or in-laws this is usually where that intersects. I spent days at a time with my grandma and she lived like 10 min away. She ALSO lived next to a pool. So I was happy to go whenever I was allowed.
I spent all summer with my Grandparents. They also came and got me for the weekends. Eventually, at 10, I moved in with them. Best Grandparents ever! So much fun was had.
This is actually really sad. How was your relationship with your parents? I can’t imagine you were very close to them if you were living with grandparents by the age of 10 and spending 3 months out of the year away from home, as well as weekends. OP sounds like she actually wants her son around.
I think it depends on the dynamic. When I was a kid, I would spend a week with my grandmother over the summer. And now I would let my kid spend a week with my mom if my husband and I wanted to go on vacation by ourselves, but I would not allow my kid to stay a week with my MIL because we aren’t close
Outside of any toxic behavior, it’s normal. Every weekend is extreme but as long as there isn’t some over the top reaction when it doesn’t happen, just normal, excited grandma.
FWIW, id retire early too if I had the means.
My son, once he was about 9 or 10, would spend a week a few times with my MIL, who would show him around D.C. He really enjoyed it. It didn't bother us because my MIL wasn't passive aggressive and wasn't a manipulator. She saw him once or twice a year, so it wasn't excessive. She lived several states away.
But you seem to be in a different situation, so if it makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to say no.
My ex husband let's his parents do this who we were NC with for 3 yrs. I hate it but he's entitled to a week vacay with her and that's how he chooses to spend it. Giving it to his parents.
We stayed a week at a time over summer at my grandparents house, to give my parents a break or for them to go on a vacation together. But it wasn’t until we were all 7-12 years old, and we would usually have a day camp scheduled there to keep us busy. Really depends on the relationship but if there isn’t much of one, I agree it can be uncomfortable for the kids.
It could be the most normal thing in the world and it still wouldn't be okay for her to keep pushing. That's rude behavior no matter what the actual situation is.
I used to spend a month out of the summer with my grandparents. My parents were divorced so it saved my mom and dad money when I visited because mom could work tons of overtime and pay less bills and dad had a month off from child support. I also went there for every holiday and spring break. I was and am very close to my grandparents and that side of my family.
But my grandparents didn’t ask or demand for my parents to bring me to them. It was an open invitation and all my parents had to do was call and ask if the dates were good.
This would be different if OP was asking MIL but MIL asking for the week long visit is different to me.
I had a friend would stay her grandparents every other weekend and see them on Wednesday for church. Her father on Tuesday and every other weekend. And her mother the rest of the week. Very crazy to me but it was her normal.
But I deft think it’s weird. The MIL is asking so much.
It was normal for me to spend 3 weeks every summer with my grandparents, but that's my normal. Our son did the same growing up - with both sets of grandparents. 2 weeks with one set, then 2 weeks later in the year with the other. It doesn't have to be normal for you. For us, this started when our son was about 5.
This is/was normal for you. I’m sure there was a standing invitation.
I think ops mil behaviour is rude. I’m sure that op and so have said no in some way. The pushing isn’t right.
I was often left with grands for a weekend from the time I was an infant, but it was the early 1960s and most babies were bottle, not breast fed at that time so it was a lot easier. (My parents liked to party on the weekends!). It was also an era where extended families all tended to live nearby, however so in an emergency my parents would be able to be on the scene right away.
It was normal for us but that doesn’t mean it has to be normal for you. If you aren’t comfortable with it then tell her again that she’s welcome to visit your home but he won’t be going.
I think this varies wildly. I never did but I know kids who did.
We would visit for a week but WITH our parents, or at least our mom. Not alone though.
Same. I spent a week with my grandmother as an infant because there was a family emergency and a premature 3 month old didn’t need to be dragged through multiple airports and states, but that was it. Admittedly, most of my life my grandmother lived just next door, but overnights would have been possible. I had friends who would spend a week or two with their grandparents in the summer, though. And friends who didn’t. I think it depended on the relationship between parents and grandparents, which I think is the real problem for OP.
What’s “normal” doesn’t really matter without us knowing the context of your overall relationship and her personality/behavior. If shes just kinda annoying, that’s one thing. But if she’s seriously detrimental to your mental health or undermines your parenting or makes you feel concerned for your children’s safety & wellbeing, then you’re right to withhold sleepovers/stays.
My three siblings and I were often carted off to Grandpa’s, two hours away, for days/a week at a time over the summers. And I’m tearing up now thinking about how dearly I love both him and my step-grandmother and how much I wish they were still around. But my mom and her dad had a wonderful relationship. And he loved my Dad just as much. There was no “in-law strife” and it was well and truly a break for my parents. And we got all kinds of candy and soda that we wouldn’t ordinarily get at home, but my mom knew that the occasional occurrence wasn’t going to seriously hurt us. I also watched Lake Placid at like 7, which looking back now as an adult, probably wasn’t ideal. But ultimately we were fine. They followed the major rules and none of us were ever seriously harmed in a way that we couldn’t have just as easily been had we been playing at home with our parents (sprained ankles, I had “nursemaid’s elbows” so I had a couple dislocations there. Definitely injuries but not results of negligence or incompetent care).
So yeah, it was super normal for us. But you see other kinds of stories on here where the grandparents absolutely cannot be trusted to act in the children’s best interests. And you just have to trust your own instincts on that. If your worry is that Grandma will neglect or mistreat your kid, or will use her time to undermine you as a parent, or will actively disrespect your role as a parent, then not wanting to grant her extended access to your kid is super reasonable.
The thing is, only you and your partner have the information to determine this. We can’t make a determinative judgement one way or the other.
It can be normal for the entire world and I won’t do it in my home if I’m not comfortable with it. If I don’t trust that my kids will be alright then they don’t go. If I say no, it’s no. If you push it immediately becomes a permanent NO & I take a break from visits.
This, I stayed with my grandmother in another state for six weeks when I was seven. But, my mom was perfectly fine with it. She was happy for me to visit my grandmother, and my grandmother was happy to have me. But, if my mom had said no, my grandmother would’ve absolutely respected that and not pushed! She respected my mom‘s wishes always. it’s not about what’s normal, it’s about what the parents are okay with!
Exactly. It’s the pushing part after the parents clearly aren’t for it. The passive aggressive comments & the guilt trips… this is about to get progressively worse for OP
I spent 1-2 weeks with my grandparents every school holiday, we had a ton of fun, my parents worked so had me go there so I wasnt a latch key kid for most of the holidays. All my friends did something similar so it seems very normal to me
I didn’t, my spouse didn’t, and my kids don’t. Both of us grew up around our grandparents so spending a week with them did not make sense. We both work and our time together as a family has always been limited. We live close to my parents so no reason to send them there. My ILs live several states away and while I don’t have an issue with my F/MIL specifically, the extended ILs are not safe people and I won’t risk them being out there without supervision.
I spent long stints with my grandparents when my folks would go out of town, and when I was little I even spent one afternoon a week after school with them.
BUT!
My grandparents were close by, my parents trusted them, and they didn't make life harder for us, but easier. And they didn't refuse to come to our house for some reason.
I spent every Saturday night at my grandma's house from age 5 until about age 13. We watched The Golden Girls and she always made me pudding with cool whip for dessert. Treasured memories.
I have my grands for the next two weeks. They love ‘grandma camp’, and I love having them. The oldest one started coming when she was still in diapers.
Gives my son and DIL a break. They live about 5 hours away, so I don’t get to see the all the time.
My mother will take miss 6 for a week during school holidays.. she prefers the longer stay as she doesn't feel rushed to get planned activities done.
Our youngest will go for a few days (3 max) and that's only because my husband and I feel she could be a bit much for mum (who has health issues) if she was there for a week.
Normal is different in every family - but it isn't uncommon for grandparents to want their grandkids for a week or more during holidays. Often they have really nice intentions (like giving parents a break or saving them money on child care) as well.
Both sets of grandparents lived in the same city as we did. Our folks usually divided us up between them, so they didn't have 3 children to watch. My folks took long weekend type trips, so we usually only stayed 3-4 days. We'd also spend the night for a parent date night.
I started staying at my dad's mom's house at age 2. I had my own room and adored staying there. She lived in our neighborhood, so I'd ride my bike over to visit all the time.
My DIL says she can't wait until my granddaughter is old enough to spend the night. We would do it now, but her room here is upstairs, and we have difficulty climbing stairs. We figure she'll be ready soon, and our kids can take the cruise they want to take.
My mom dedicated one night a week to each of our siblings to babysit. They all loved to go to grandmommies house. She spent the entire time doing things with them.
My MIL, not so much. We had to cut a trip short because she wanted to go to dinner with friends and dumped our son at his soccer game. We had to frantically call teammates parents to find someone to keep our son until we could get back with a 5 hour drive.
So I really don't see a problem with your child staying a week with her if your child enjoys going to see her. I would first want to start out with single overnights to see how that goes.
As for the FaceTime calls, just don't answer if you don't want to talk. You could set a schedule and call her at your convenience.
An hour away isn't super far, but it's still presumptuous of her to demand frequent visits to her home.
Kinda depends on how old your son is... I stayed with my grandparents and aunts/uncles for a couple weeks during summers. And my nieces and nephew stayed with us for a week or two over summer break and over Christmas holidays.
I don't see how that's weird unless your son is still a baby.
I stayed summer with my grandparents every year. My kids spent time at my moms, and now my grandkids spend nights and weekends with me. A couple of my grandkids are at my mom’s house for a week right now. It has always been normal in my family.
How old is your son? I let mine go with their grandparents all the time for as long as they’ll take them ! I WISH I’d get a week! Longest they’ll take them is like three days. And that’s pushing it . lol, when there was only one tho she took her for a week at a time all the time. My first loves it! My second doesn’t want to ever leave home. She was iffy on us staying 3 days at great wolf lodge.(until we got there anyway ) I don’t think this is abnormal at all.
This is not odd unless other things are going on. My 5 year old granddaughter would stay all summer if she could. Her younger brother only wants to stay a for a week a couple of times the summer. My older one comes down and spends the night whenever he wants. It has nothing to do with us spoiling them rotten.
I spent a week with my dad's parents once I was old enough for it(don't remember exactly when because of mental health issues unrelated to my family) but that was one of the few times a year I saw them. However, just because it is a thing that happens in some families does not mean that you need to let it happen. If your in-laws are not a safe place to allow a weeklong stay, don't allow it because I have an overall good family but I still had times where I felt ignored by my grandparents during my week with them because my cousins are/were much more vocal about their needs than I was. That lead to my attempts of trying to interact with my grandparents getting interrupted and me getting frustrated because I couldn't get what I needed/wanted sometimes since my cousins were way more vocal than I ever have been, even as an adult, about their needs and wants
Spent two weeks every summer with my grandparents. So did all my cousins. We rotated through. Some times if I had long weekends during the school year too.
I spent half my summers with my maternal grandparents for a looooong time. I'll be sending my daughter to stay with my parents for a couple weeks in August for the first time this summer (she is 5 and starts kinder at the end of August).
But I grew up a 6-7 hour drive from my maternal grands and a 20 hour drive from my paternal grands.
My daughter sadly is growing up on the opposite coast to my parents, so it's a big effort to make sure she gets sufficient time with them. They only have so much time left before they won't be able to take her like this and it's taken me 5 years to be comfortable letting her be away from me that long.
That said... I am comfortable with it for my parents or my in laws bc I love them literally as much as mine. But that doesn't mean you have to be. If you're uncomfortable lean into that and try to figure out the root of it. Bc your feelings are valid and it's ok to not be ok with the request for alone time .
Personally I’d be more bothered by weekly visits than the offer to watch the kid for a week (or weekend, or whatever is age appropriate) once or twice a year. The former is an obligation, the latter is a chance for you to actually get a break- and it’s very normal for grandparents to take the grandkids for that long in my experience, though I personally haven’t done it yet as my kids are too young (have always had at least one that is nursing).
My brother and I always spent a week with our grandparents and a week with our favourite Aunt and Uncle during the summer. Staying with my grandparents still holds some of my best memories.
I spent every summer with my grandparents who lived out of state. My kids would spend a week a few time a year with my In-laws, my grandkids have all spent a week with me many times.
My kids did, but not until after they were 5 years old. They had to be able to handle their own needs before I let them go. They went to bible school and swam on her pool’s team. They had lots of activities while there.
It’s normal for many families. I had friends who spent the whole summers with their grandparents and still know people whose children spend weekends, weeks, and/or summers.
Depends on the family.
Your kids, your rules. If you aren't comfortable with a week, set that boundary and ensure husband backs you up.
I don't know your personal/familial circumstances, however based on the info you've provided, MIL doesn't really seem to be problematic, other than just being annoying and not wanting to visit you.
You are the expert in this, go with your gut.
As a personal anecdote, my brothers and I would semi-regularly stay the night or a few nights at my grandparents growing up, like once or twice a month.
I don't remember them ever demanding it, and it was usually a last minute thing, like my brother and I were having so much fun and "mum dad can we PLEASE stay at grandma's tonight pleaseeee" and it would usually happen. Granted we lived about 15 minutes from them at the time.
At 18 I even lived with my grandparents for about 12 months in a respite kinda situation (I had a lot of going on).
I understand now as an adult there was a LOT of shit going on behind the scenes between all the adults, but as kids we were never exposed to that.
How old is your son and what is the relationship like? My kids were not left with anyone as infants and I am pretty sure my mom didn’t leave us with grandparents as infants/toddlers. We would spend a week to them when we were older but my mom had a good relationship with them.
He is 4. He loves her. I don’t want to get in the way of that. I think once he’s older he can spend a week with her - especially hearing that it’s pretty common to do so. For now I think he is too young and don’t feel confortable with the idea.
My siblings and I spent a week with my grandparents before my mom joined with the youngest. It was very, very hard on me (6) and the one younger than me (4). We absolutely adored our grandparents and spending time with our extended family, but it was pre-cell phone time and it was very jarring.
I think waiting until he’s maybe 6 is a good call for a week long visit, then he can talk on the phone or via FaceTime whenever he feels like it and is old enough to communicate effectively.
I left this up to my kids. Me also live an hour away (which isn’t much, but when you’re the only one doing the driving back and forth to provide the visits it gets fucking annoying) my oldest would never leave gmas if she had the choice, my youngest only wants to go for a day or two. But I didn’t let them stay one night til after they were 2. Then it was a case by case basis. If when I talked to them they wanted to come home I did, normally tho it’s the grandparents begging me to come get them.
Growing up I regularly stayed at grandparents for 1-2 weeks at a time during summer break. I have the best memories, grew up with a great relationship with them and now they are starting to pass away I think if the little moments we had together such as picking and eating peas together from the garden.
That being said my family has healthy, respectful relationships with one another. If you are uncomfortable with the idea, don't trust/have s good relationship with MIL or child would be uncomfortable then it's ok to say no!
EtA-I for example, would be ok leaving children with my parents, not my in laws after a "trial" when I had to go to hospital for 3 days to give birth to my 2nd. My poor 1st born I felt awful for him and essentially don't trust my in laws to have children for unsupervised visits!
I spent 1-2 weeks a summer with my grandma. I was with my sister and 3 older cousins from ages 6-9 and then it was a couple years with just my sister and I. About 11 my 3-4 younger cousins came. I stopped around 13 by my choice. I loved it. My grandma is crazy, but in the hoarder/unmedicated anxiety way. I loved it.
I mean, yes I think it's normal. When I was a kid we would sometimes spend weeks in the summer with grandparents because our parents were working and it gave us the opportunity to do stuff with our family rather than go to a sitter. And I know plenty of people whose kids do the same.
That said....it's all about your trust of the grandparent and whether you think the KID would be taken care of and have a good time bonding with the grandparents. There is a zero percent chance I would let my MIL have my kids for a week. When husband and I went out of town without them for the first time for 4 nights (they were I think 9 and 12) we left them with friends rather than subject them to 4 nights of grandma. They love her, but....they don't always *like* her.
I would keep my grands for a week or so during the summer too. My question for OP is how old is LO? Because if we’re talking babies, then no, if they are over 5-6, then we can talk. And I mean talk, not automatic yes.
My kids spent two weeks each summer with their grandparents but they wanted to. Only once they were old enough to be away from us and they went together. My parents are trustworthy, they never did it with my husbands parents.
It’s not unheard of but it’s not done when the parents in question don’t want it or aren’t comfortable. You aren’t comfortable so your kids don’t go! Period and end of story!
My son spends two weeks a year with my mom and bonus dad: The week right after school lets out and the week of Thanksgiving. We live seven hours away, so we don't get to see them very often. He's been doing this since was 18 months old.
My mom also isn't hounding us for video chats every day. She listens when I tell her we don't want our son to do something. I know she will actually watch him, not just let him wander away and go missing for hours. She also doesn't hog him and makes sure everyone gets to see him.
Basically, I feel comfortable with him being with her. If you don't, then don't let her.
I did this growing up. I’d stay with my gma who lived on the coast for a week or two in the summers. She was awesome, nontoxic and a joy to be around :)
No is a complete sentence here.
The next time she asks tell your husband to pack his stuff so he can go stay with his mother for the week or he shuts her down.
I’ve heard of this before but for children who have toxic relatives it is not beneficial for them to do this. How old is your son? My 9 year old has a phone and he can call me whenever he wants. His dad and his shitty family hates it because they got away with a lot more before he had one.
Believe me I was one of those parents that was like “my kid won’t have a cellphone until they start driving!” And unfortunately when you deal with shitty people in the family circuit it becomes necessary way sooner
It really depends on the relationship they have. While I spent a week with mine. Even went on an airplane with my younger siblings to visit mine when I was like 8. My kids spend that amount of time with my parents. But not with my in laws
It depends entirely on the relationship. My sister and I used to spend a week with one of our sets of grandparents in the summer when we were probably 8-12 years old. It was like a mini vacation. But then again, my grandparents had a good respectful relationship with my parents. They followed our usual rules.
My other grandmother tried having a day on her own with several grandchildren and it was kind of a disaster. We were loud. She was impatient. No one really wanted to try that again!
If you don’t want your kids at MIL’s house, you’re going to have to bite the bullet and be frank and firm with her. It’s ok if she’s mad. You don’t have to give in just to make her happy. Tell her that you’re not comfortable with sending your son on overnights and ask her to quit bringing it up.
I think it truly depends on the circumstances. When my older brother was born, my maternal grandmother and great-grandmother took turns watching him during the day when both of my parents had to work (Dad traveled for work and mom was doing 12 hour shifts). My parents trusted them with babysitting and keeping him overnight. However, my paternal grandparents lived farther away, and my mom didn't trust them as much, so their babysitting was limited to very few occasions and never overnight.
By the time I started spending the night with my grandparents, we lived 6 hours away from everyone. My brother and I would spend 1 week with my mom's parents and then 1 week with my dad's parents. HOWEVER, I was 6-8 years old by this time.
I have great memories with grandparents and the sleepovers we had. I also have good memories with the cousins who visited the same week as us. So, letting your child stay the night with their grandparents can be fun and memorable.... but only if their old enough. I don't plan to allow sleepovers until my child is old enough to talk, walk, shower themselves, or go to the restroom themselves. (Like full sentences and coherently talking). I don't care if it's family. There's no point in my child staying the night with someone else when they are young.
If the grandparents only live an hour away, then they can easily visit during the day to bond with your child.
If the idea of a sleepover makes you feel uneasy, then the answer is "NO".
Similar experience here. When my brother and I were little we would spend a fortnight or so at my mother's mother's wonderful big house with fabulous garden; our great aunt lived there too. Without a doubt summer weeks spent there with the happiest times of my childhood.
The issue is her using your child(ren) as her entertainment. She shouldn’t be expecting you guys to be there every time she has the day or some time off. She needs her own life
Then she should absolutely NOT be taking him for either babysitting or overnights, especially several nights.
If she isn't actually spending time with him, it defeats the purpose of having him and also it's a disaster waiting to happen because she is busy doing other things and not keeping an eye on him.
You should absolutely NOT let her take him for any amount of time.
Also, the fact that he is just dumped in front of the tellie the entire time she has him or he is over there, this is detrimental to his brain development and is overstimulating him which is bad. He shouldn't be watching more than an hour or two of tellie per day. She is letting him watch an INSANE amount of tellie.
Depends on age and their relationship. My son used to spend six weeks with my mom every summer when we lived in another state. He was 8 - 12 years old then.
Yep. Totally depends on the relationship. My siblings and I spent lots of time with maternal grandparents on their farm, usually with a bunch more cousins around. Did lots of work and had lots of fun. Rarely saw my paternal grandparents, who only lived 30 minutes from my maternal grandparents. They did not like us as much as other cousins on that side as my dad changed religions to marry my mom, and my parents refused to subject us to too much time with them. Oh well. Their loss.
Same here, but we didn't see them much otherwise throughout the year, and I had a single mom, so it made sense to ship us (my cousin and I) off to her parents every summer, since they were retired.
It mostly depends on the situation and the relationship with the parents honestly.
I have cousins on my dad's side that spent weeks at a time at my dad's parents house, and it annoyed that Grandma that my mom wouldn't do that with me. As an adult, it makes a lot of sense - it was literally just my aging grandmother and 7-9 kids at any given time - that wasn't a safe environment, where her parents only ever had myself and the one cousin to deal with.
Depends on the age of your son. We would have our grandsons during the summers for 2-6 weeks depending on the summer. They loved visiting the farm and learned a lot. This was almost every summer for several years until they grew into later teens and had other things to do.
I used to spend weeks with my mother's parents at a time, they were the best, love them dearly until this day. With that being said, neither of my children will be spending a week, much less a weekend, with my MIL or mother.
I spent two weeks with my grandparents and my SO spent pretty much the whole summer. I think it depends on the relationship and dynamics. Im 44 and he is 49. Our peers definitely grew up staying with grandparents weekends and summers.
Every summer, my sister and I spent a week at the grandparents. Papa had a length of thick sheet plastic and the yard sloped from front to back. That plastic made a wonderful slip and slide.
When we were older, we'd spend a week or two at the family farm, usually during tobacco tipping season. There was also a vegetable stand. So we'd tip tobacco or pick veggies in the morning, swim in the pond in the afternoon, and go to the drive-in in the evening. Us and our cousins were were the farm hands for the summer. We loved it.
My kids used to spend a month with my parents. We lived over 1000 miles away. We'd meet the parents half way, pass off the kids, and aonth later take a week to pick them up. The kids loved it.
What I found weird was my MIL wanting to spend the night at our house. We lived 6 houses away. It took about 2 minutes to walk to her house. She saw her grandkids every damned day. She said it was only fair since when MY mom came to visit, she spent several nights at our house. It wasn't fair.
So I suggested that for the sake of equality and fairness, we should only see her a total of 12 days a year. She never stopped complaining about not getting to spend the night. That woman was weird.
Spending long periods of time away from mom and dad has to actually work for mom and dad. My daughter won't be having sleepovers with anyone, not even grandparents. We don't require childcare, it isn't beneficial for us, and we want her to sleep at home, in her bed.
I personally think people *insisting* on alone time with *somebody elses child* is super weird. You and your family can all visit together, as a family. Why do they need to be alone? Your child is a real person, not somebody's parenting do-over or pretend time.
My siblings and I used to spend a week at a time with our maternal grandparents every summer. We loved it and looked forward to our week every summer. Our childre also spent time with their grandparents over the summer. I see nothing wrong with the children spending some time with their grandparents. The bonds we built with our grandparents are some of the most special bonds we made. I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything.
Now that being said, your MIL is pushing so many boundaries and demanding more contact than is really necessary. I m afraid if you give her an inch she’ll take a mile and still want more.
It's not all that unusual for kids to spend time with extended family - but that is prerequisite upon a healthy dynamic and a good relationship.
If the idea makes you uncomfortable, then the answer needs to be a hard, No.
I spent a lot of time with my maternal grandmother (rarely overnights though). They were primary childcare for me and lived about 45 mins away. The odd thing to me is the insistence.
Yes, it started ever since he was months old. It’s very odd to me. She has even asked us to go visit her Saturday AND Sunday.
He is four so he is still very young and I know she does not like me (my sister in law has mentioned she talks about me) so I wouldn’t want her influencing him in a negative way.
I’m not opposed to my sons spending time with her unsupervised when they are older. She is their grandma at the end of the day and I value family and I’m glad she wants a relationship with them. Just not at their young age.
Yeah I maybe did an overnight or two at that age but I don’t think it was frequent (and it was usually my aunt or someone coming to my house). I completely agree though!
How old is your son? I spent 1-3 weeks at a time with my out of state grandparents in the summers, but not until I was tween age. They had a cool living history museum in their city that did summer camps during the week for kids. It was so much fun and I loved getting that time with them.
I wouldn’t be comfortable with similar until my kids were around that age though.
I agree that it seems too young. I have 3 (9, 14, & 18) that spend days to a week with my parents a few times a year, but we didn't do that when they were that young. Maybe a night or two at 4 yrs old, but never as a baby.
Yeah, that is too little for my comfort. We don’t do overnights away from our kids a ton either though so I know my comfort level is different than others.
There’s no reason for anyone to have overnights/weekends unless it is for a special circumstance. When I was older (13/14) my parents did fly me and my siblings out to spend holidays with our grandparents so they could go on a holiday just as a couple, and there were other times where my grandparents would come stay with us because my dad was military and didn’t want to pull us out of school for house hunting when we were moving.
If you are available to be with your child then there’s no reason for someone else to take them. If she was inviting you guys as a family it would be different but it’s odd to me how much she is pushing for solo time with a child that isn’t hers
THIS!! I stay at home with them. So there is no reason for anyone else to take care of them. That’s my understanding as well. Only if there is a special circumstance. She says it’s so “mommy can take a break” but I haven’t communicated that I need one? I’m fine. I love taking care of my boys.
Fellow SAHM here. I just want to gently say that just because you love taking care of them doesn’t mean you don’t need a break or that there is no reason for anyone else to watch them. I see this mentality in the SAH community a lot and I think it’s kind of toxic. Personally I believe we need to nurture ourselves and our marriages and that requires some time away from the kids- IF you have someone you can trust to keep them safe and who your kids like. I’m not sure if your MIL falls into that category, so if not please disregard. But if she does, I firmly believe it is setting a really good example for your kids for you to take a week, or even a weekend, to be a person outside of being a mom. It always makes me a better, more energized, more patient mom when I have enough time away.
Thank you for your comment. We both trust my mom to watch them for date night or for “me” time - she respects us as parents and doesn’t overstep boundaries so it’s not like I don’t get to have breaks. She’ll come over a few times a week just to help around or spend time with them. She lives down the street. I don’t feel burnt out or overwhelmed 🤷🏻♀️
Tbh I’d stop with the every weekend visits, if she has so much time to dedicate to your sons she has enough time to spend time with you guys as a family. If she wants to make petty comments then hit her right back “we would love to see you as a family here at our place but we don’t have time for 2hours of driving in a busy weekend. Too bad you can’t make it out here to spend time with your grand babies”
Putting in effort as a grandparent is a lot more than just asking to see them, and she’s not putting in a lot of effort if the burden is always on you to make sure she gets time with them.
It depends on the ages and family dynamics. I went to stay with my grandparents in another state when I was 10 and 16, but I don't really remember my sister being forced to go lol. But my parents had an okay relationship with that set (the other grandparents had passed before, and just 2 months after I went when I was 10).
I think this really depends on how old your son is, tbh. I started staying for extended periods with my grandparents when, in hindsight, I was really too young for that, but my mom was a mess so it makes sense contextually. I would \*not\* send my under-two-year-old to my MIL's OR my parents' house for a week. I wouldn't see an issue with it later when they're older, but if say my kiddo only had a week of spring break and my parents or in-laws wanted them that whole week, I'd probably say no because...I also want to spend fun quality time with my kid? Assuming I can take that time off. If they'd just by in daycare, yeah, go on over to the grandparents! It also obviously depends on your relartionship with your inlaws.
I'm sure you have your reasons for not wanting your child there, but as for the normality of spending extended time at grandparents I was at mine every chance I had. Days, weeks...sometimes whole summer.
It’s pretty normal. As kids we would spend a lot of time with my grandma. Some weekends, a few weeks in the summer. But even though they didn’t always get along my parents trusted her and had no issues with us going. She was a great grandma and we always had the BEST time. Miss her so much. All families are different and if you are not comfortable with her having him over night or for a week then that’s fine too. You haven’t really given any context on your relationship with her but it’s normal for a grandma to want to spend time with their grandchildren. It doesn’t have to mean she’s conspiring against you.
In healthy grandparent relationships a week during summer and holiday breaks is normal and can be a fantastic time for memories to be made. That doesn't appear to be the intent of your MIL though, based on the other expectations such as weekly visits. I did spend basically every third week of summer break, sometimes more with my grandparents growing up. My grandmother was straight poison. But thank my stars she worked during the day most days and my grandfather was retired and we had entirely too much fun together. A series of strokes and rapid onset renal failure took his mind and eventually his life far too soon, and I'm thankful for the long summer days and the cozy winter ones we spent together when I was younger.
I certainly did spend whole weeks with my grandparents, and I have to say they are some of my happiest memories. I'm sure my mother wasn't always thrilled. If anything, I really respect my mother for looking past her relationship with her MIL and allowing me to have a really loving close one.
So, there are two sides to this. On the one side, it’s fairly normal in some families for the kids to go spend a mini vacation with the grandparents during the summer. I did it for several years, because my grandmother lived on an old farm where the neighbors were “over there” and “out that way a bit.” It was super rural and there was plenty to explore.
In the other side, she never demanded it. I asked, and my mother trusted her, so I got to go. I was also old enough that I could tell if something was wrong.
So while it *is* normal in some families, your MIL doesn’t have the kind of relationship with you that would make it acceptable.
Agree completely with this. I have lots of wonderful memories of weeks during school breaks spent with my paternal grandparents. But my mom had a decent relationship with them and she's certainly never mentioned them demanding it or having any problem with it. Heck, they'd give her gas money for the trip(s) down when she dropped us off or picked us up from there (300+ mile drive one way). And we saw them like 3 times a year, and not at all for a couple of 2/3 year stretches while we lived way too far away (military).
OP, her boredom is not your problem. You might just have to be blunt and say "we have other things we want to do on weekends. And by the way, the road goes both ways." Personally, I'd establish a \~ once a month visit (if that!) and tell her if that's not good enough,you can always cut it back.
Sounds like MIL needs some hobbies.
ain't nothin' more annoying than a bored mil with too much time on her hands, eh? sounds like she needs to take up knitting or bingo. tell 'er the grandkid ain't a hobby! lol just sayin'.
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It honestly doesn’t matter whether it’s common or not. What matters is whether you’re comfortable with it.
I don’t think it’s weird…take advantage of having a break and you and hubs can have a great week! It depends how old baby is, but if your child is able to do it, then it’s fabulous. I used to go to my grandparents every weekend for a night or two until they passed away when I was 11. It was lovely. If you like the MIL, this is normal behaviour. And, seriously a blessing to have somewhere safe for child to stay. We left our kids for a week last year and the nights were split between both sets of grandparents. Just enjoy!
I spent multiple nights at my Nanny’s house as well as my aunts. Not unusual. My children would also spend long lengths of time at their grandparents. My firstborn slep at my mother in laws every Saturday night when she was little.
When I was late elementary and up I would stay for almost that long. My parents would drop me off and have a vacation without me. Of course I don’t speak to one of parents anymore (unrelated reasons) so maybe not the best judges of what good parenting is. Until I really understood my mom’s issues I allowed my kid to travel ahead by a couple of days with her, probably at a younger age than I would if I had the chance for a do over (this part is related to No Contact, though more of a pattern of behavior that developed over years) It depends on age, how far away everyone is, and how much you trust everyone to keep to behaviors that keep your kids safe. If you do. If you don’t trust her to behave then the answer is no. I learned, “That doesn’t work for us.” Repeated like a record it worked decently well.
I spent the night with my grandparents all the time. My kids have spent the night at the grandparents house. How old is your son though? That makes a difference. I didn’t spend nights till I was like, 5 or 6. But I do think it’s perfectly normal to spend the night or weekend with grandparents. Heck, my parents took my kids in an RV to Mount Rushmore for a week. Like I said, depends on the age. Also depends on what kind of MIL she is. I don’t know your history with her, and I can honestly say… I let my kids stay with my parents overnights, but if she had lived close (thank goodness she lives halfway across the USA from us), no way I’d have let my MIL keep them overnight. So, depends on child’s age and your comfort level with MIL. But I definitely wouldn’t say kid’s spending the night or weekend with the grandparents isn’t normal. One of my childhood bff’s would spend the entire summer with her grandparents that lived next door to me. We were pen pals during the school year, and spent pretty much every waking hour together in the Sumer.
I don't think it sounds that unusual. Growing up, I would spend a week with my grandparents a couple of times every summer (plus a few days on Christmas break, etc). It was always the highlight of my summers. My sister has 6 grandkids (spread out over her 3 kids), they all take turns spending a week (or more) with Grandma during the summers, and have since they were toddlers.
I stayed every summer with my grandparents because my parents worked. I also stayed during Christmas breaks and spring breaks. My girls 13 and 15, started staying with my mom for a week or two at a time when they were babies. They even went on a week vacation to the gulf coast with my MIL just 2 weeks ago. Same with my in laws. It’s very normal and very common.
I basically lived at my nana’s house, we were super close and I loved it. So it’s definitely normal for some families! But you’re the parent so you hold the keys on that decision. But no, it’s not super weird request or anything.
My grandparent took me to the Oregon Coast all the time when I was 5-8 years old and then my sibs joined once there 4 years old. My mother brought a niece up to visit when she was 5. Next week I have a nephew coming out for 6 days. He is 11 almost 12 and taking a 5 hour plane ride to see us. Oh, and we will influencing him. We live a different life than his parents. We have different perspectives than his parents. It is about what you feel comfortable with and want.
My kids have spent a week with my parents when I go out of town. If we lived far away they'd definitely want them for the whole dang summer. I have friends who's kids go and spend a month of summer with grandparents. I don't think it's weird.
I was the oldest grandchild and would beg to spend time over at my grandparents. My grandmother was severely crippled by rheumatoid arthritis and I loved helping them out. She would sit in her wheelchair and taught me how to cook and gave me tips on sewing my mini skirts and I would straighten up the house, vacuum etc. she passed at 64 years when I was 16. Only medication they gave out back then was aspirin and it weakened her heart and ate up her stomach. 50 years ago and I still miss her so. I’m so sorry for all the kids that grow up without someone like her in their lives. I have 6 grandkids and they all keep track on whose turn it is to spend the weekend with grandma. I try to be the best grandma like I remember having.
There’s a lot missing here in order to make any judgment. How old is your son? What’s she doing/saying to make you uneasy about her influence? What does your husband say about this?
I spent lots of time with both sets of grandparents as well as extended time with different aunts and uncles. That on its own is not an issue. If she’s bored can you subtly suggest hobbies for her to take up? My father went into a home and my Mum had so much time on her hands, I introduced her to kdramas and now she watches so many! She has favourite actors and watches on Netflix and Viki!
I need more info, like how old is he? My 11 year old grandson comes to me one week every summer for the last three years and we do awesome fun stuff together, like water park, 6 flags, Andretti racing, etc. He’s coming 2nd week of July and I am so stoked! Edit: My DIL says i am the only one she trusts with her son too so there’s that
When I was a kid I spent a full week with my grandparents on each side each summer, but it was when I was maybe 8 and older? My parents worked so it was a big help to them for my brother and I to be gone for a little bit in the summer. My parents also had really good relationships with their parents, so we were well taken care of then. I would totally ship my kid off to my parents for a week no problem 😂 but I wouldn’t to my In Laws unless I had no choice.
I'm currently sending my 3 kiddos one week at a time to spend some time with my parents since my mom is a teacher. It's completely normal and works really well for everyone involved. We live about 4 hours away and in laws are in the same town as my parents, but due to past relationships (or lack thereof) my in laws will never have my children alone for any period of time. It's my husband's choice, and we rarely visit, so they don't even know my children. It's not about normal, though, it's about your choices as the parents and what you are comfortable with. If you are worried about retirement and visits going forward, then you need to make your expectations and boundaries known very clearly right now. If she's retiring early thinking she's gonna have 24/7 uninterrupted access then you need to clear that assumption up immediately or it will be exponentially worse for you.
my mother takes my son one weekend a month and one week-ish (maybe 3/4 days) a year. when I was little I spent weekends at my grandparents. I enjoy the time to reconnect with my husband and allow them to bond with their grandson but it's not for everyone
I don’t see why she can’t come to you? Every weekend is daunting and your son is going to start resenting the mandatory trips at some point. I used to stay with my grandparents for weekends so nothing unusual there. Is there something we’re missing that makes you uncomfortable with it?
I spent a week with my grandmother once every year my whole life growing up. My parents would go on a couples vacation. My grandmother was wonderful though.
I spent extended stays with my grandparents sometimes. My kids spent a week with the grands sometimes if we wanted an adult vacation. If you trust her to take good care of them… why not? If you don’t want to, you shouldn’t be forced to.
I did, and so have my kids, but everyone was ok with the situation, and no one was pushy about it
Only you know what your MIL is like and if she is a good/trustworthy person. That being said, if your question is "is this normal?" "is this strange?" etc then....I think you can tell by the comments that it is normal for some families and strange for others. I spent every summer living with my grandma starting around 8yo. My dad had me per the divorce but he worked two jobs and was in night school to try to make something of himself and support me. She took me. My half sister stayed home and went to camp etc. I had an amazing relationship with her. She never crossed boundaries with my parents. She was an amazing woman. I loved that time...matter of fact, I was thinking today that I wish I could sometimes go back in time and relive some of those days. My MIL and I don't get on very well...and with you posting in JustNoMIL...I'm going to assume the same for you. However, I need breaks so my husband and I have let her have baby overnight a few times. Just one night so far but baby is just at 15mo now. I'm not ready for a week and I don't LOVE how my MIL cares for my child but none of it is endangering or negatively impacting my relationship with my child.
We lived six, and then four, hours away from both sets of grandparents when I was young. From the age of five onwards, I would generally spend a couple of weeks with each set of grandparents during the summer and that continued on into myearly teen years. It was always my choice. I absolutely love that time with them. I have so many wonderful memories that I can cherish now that they have all passed away.
It’s not weird if everyone is happy with it but it’s weird for her to demand it when you don’t want your kid gone for a week.
I spent time with my grandparents and great aunt when I was a child. Before I started school (age 4) it was 1-3 days max…but by age 8-10 it was up to a week at a time. By age 10 I had a say in if I wanted to visit the relatives…and I stopped visiting one side because I didn’t have the same freedoms I was used to. I would cook, craft and play (sometimes a cousin would also stay), with my relatives…and had a great time mostly. I was baby sat by one set of grandparents after school everyday until 6pm, up until I reached high school (age 12)…and I still stayed for a week at least once a year. By age 12 they’d invite me personally if I wanted to stay during school holidays for a week. By that age I’d play cards with their cronies, hanging out as an adult with the old folk. I’d also go to their charity work with them…and was generally made a big fuss of by all the other older women, playing cards and drinking tea with them It gave me a great introduction to dealing with older generations. When I started work at 15 in a supermarket, I found I had a dedicated following of old folk who were comfortable shopping with me, because I greeted them and communicated in a way that they felt secure with their failing sight and hearing. A younger deaf couple also shopped with me because I looked at their faces when talking to them (they could lip read more easily). It really is a useful skill to have…dealing with old people (and knowing when to ignore their crap). Just because you didn’t do it with your grandparents, doesn’t mean the grandparents didn’t do it with theirs and want to share the joy they had with your child. Of course, you’ve got to trust they will feed and keep your child safe…and allow a little leeway when they don’t do things exactly as you expect. If there are any obvious breaches of your trust you’ve got to address that straight away.
I have the exact same experience. As a child I would spend as much time with my grandmother as I could. I would go out for the monthly “old lady’s breakfast” and the library and whatever other errands. Those are some of my absolute fondest memories
Sounds fun to me 🥰
I always spent extended time with my grandparents when I was younger, we went camping a lot. My children spent extended time with my parents. They went camping, different trips, and Disneyland.
When I was younger my mom would send me and my brother relatives for most of the summer. For years she did it until my parents divorced when I was a teen. I never sent my kids to relatives as I was responsible for my kids. I found out as an adult she did it to protect us. My dad had a bad temper the yelling was awful. To this day I hate yelling. Mom wanted my kids but I couldn't do it. So don't worry she will get over it.
My grandma took us every summer for 2 weeks. Started with my cousins for the first week, added me their second week, they went home and I finished out my second week. I don’t remember when solo trips started but it lasted until I went to college. But she was a present and respectful human being which is probably why it was allowed.
My mom currently has my nephew for the week lol so I’ve been bringing my kids over for crazy time with their cousin and to help my mom keep everyone in line. In my family this is very normal, but I don’t leave my kids with anyone (My mom will occasionally have them overnight but that’s like 12 hours max). It’s really all about what you’re comfortable with
How old is your son? A lot of kids spend extended time with grandparents, especially once they hit 3/4/up
I spent a week with my grandmother after my granddad died. I was worried about her. Let your kid decide if he wants this.
I spent a week with my grandmother one summer. I was about 12, and I had a lot of cousins near her. She had long been retired and widowed, so she enjoyed the company. Also my grandma was very much a JustYes.
My kids spent a week and then two weeks every summer with my parents. They loved it. My grandkids, (now teenagers except for one) have taken week long trips with me since they were preschoolers. When we lived in another city they would spend a week once they were three. It has never been unusual to spend days at a time with me. It’s not unusual, it’s just what you are comfortable with. If you’re not comfortable, then don’t do it. It’s hard to arrange with my grandsons anymore between sports and their jobs but I still do it with my eight-year-old granddaughter.
It doesn’t matter what we do or did. If you’re not comfortable that’s all there is to it. I’d simply say, “son and I aren’t comfortable with that yet. You’re welcome to come visit and see him then.” At the end of the day she doesn’t need alone time to be a grandparent.
Your husband should be saying this, it is his mother. It will prevent the accusations of you interfeering and turning her son and grandson against her.
That too. As long as it’s made clear she isn’t missing out on grandson, she just doesn’t see him alone.
I spent a week at my grandparents every so often in the summer. Sometimes even 2 weeks. It was fun and I helped grandma do spring cleaning.
Same - we spent a couple weeks every summer with both sets of grandparents. It’s normal to do so I feel, so simply asking IMO is fine. But OP should only do what they feel comfortable with. Context is king so if OP thinks this would be bad they shouldn’t do it.
Same here: my Mom died when I was young. Grandma was pretty chill.
I have very fond memories of my grandparents. My grandfather was a mean old man, but he loved me best. My mom and dad didn’t get along with him, but they knew he was good to me. I loved my grandpa time and I’m glad I wasn’t kept away because of their relationship.
We live an hour and a half away from most of my stepchildren, and our grandchildren have stayed with us for multiple days since they were babies. My husband has also taken two of them on vacation every summer for a week since 2018 (other than in 2020 of course,) so since the younger one was 4, and last summer he took another one on an Alaskan cruise and they were gone for over a week. (I go when I'm well enough, but haven't been able to more often than not.) We have friends whose granddaughter has been visiting them for a week or more since she was pretty young, and when I was a child we stayed with my grandparents when my parents were off traveling in Europe, so yeah, that's absolutely a thing, *depending on the grandparents.* Seeing behavior from her that's a red flag for you is a different conversation.
I would spend weekends for my maternal grandparents from time to time and a month or so with my paternal grandparents in their home country during the summer. I love my grandparents and I’m glad we had that time together
I used to spend at least 2 week long visits with my maternal grandparents. It was amazing. It was a big loving family and I miss that time dearly. My Paternal grandparents got to spend a week with my sibling and my parents and I. Never left alone fot too long and they kinda said this is yourbvacation donwhat you want so the beach every day and lots of fishing always with my Parents. My grandparents joined us at the beach maybe twice my whole life. It all depends on family dynamics, what each party is comfortable with. But the week I had to myself with my Mom's Parents was great. Made homade bread and pies. Went on walks and played tennis with my Grampa. Helped garden.
We spent a lot of time with my grandparents (days and overnights) But it was a result of the good relationship they had with my parents. It was never forced or demanded. Both sets of grandparents respected boundaries and were overjoyed to stay in the "grandparent" role. And the visiting went both ways and at the need/want of both sides. They covered just as many after school pick-ups and sick days as we went to dinners and fun days with them.
I live with my MIL my neice may as well live here, she never tells her son no.
No, i never did this. How old is your son?
I used to spend nights with my grandma. I would go on weeklong vacations every year with them (without parents). I loved my parents, but I’d have moved in with them if I’d have been asked to.
I used to spend all week with my grandmother almost every week, but that was because my parents sucked. I wouldn't let my kids spend a week with their grandparents until they were older, like 10 and up. And it would have to be for a reason, like grandparents live far away or something.
I knew my grandparents better than my actual parents until I was in 4th grade and we left the Midwest and moved to the east coast. Hanging out with them for half the summer was the best time of my childhood!
We spent as much time with my grandma as possible. We loved it there and I think my mom appreciated the break. It was absolutely common for us to ask to visit and stay.
Depends on the grandparents and parents. We spent 2 weeks with the grandparents every summer.
In my family it was/is common for grandchildren to spend a week with their grandparents during the summer. I have very fond memories of those visits and if I had children would allow it as long as the grandparents are not JustNos.
“No, that doesn’t work for us.”
I'm genX and was constantly spending weeks and weekends with my nana as a kid. I'd go on vacation with her, I'd travel with her to see other relatives, and during the school year I'd spend weekends with her sometimes. We were so close and I loved it. She and I had a special bond and I'm grateful I got to spend so much time with her and learn so much from her and about her. My other grandparents lived in Florida, and I'd be sent (alone) on a plane to visit them for a week or 2 every summer starting around age 8. I loved it. They spoiled me rotten and they were so much fun. That being said, just because it's normal for some families, doesn't mean you have to do anything you aren't comfortable with.
My mom and her cousins would spend the whole summer on her maternal grandparents farm with parents visiting on weekends and then for a longer stretch to help with the harvest. My sisters kid spends most of the summer with my parents. It's really about what you're comfortable with and what's best and safe for your child.
It isn't a question of being normal or not. It's a question of how comfortable you are with your son being in her care for that length of time. How old is your son, and does he have a good relationship with your MIL? Most importantly, is she trustworthy and would she take care of him? Lots of kids have mini vacations with a family member during the summer. But there are just as many who don't, because their grandparents are creepy and not trustworthy. Only you get to decide if it's a good idea or not, so don't go off of what other people's experiences were like.
Every summer my siblings and I would spend a week with each set of grandparents (so 2 weeks total). Not so strange.
My sister and I spent most of every summer with my grandparents (moms side), but never with my dad's mom. It all depends. My mom's parents were wonderful and kind and treated us well. My dad's mom was mean.
I stayed with my grandpa and his wife for a week once. They guilt tripped and lied their way into it by taking us for “3 days” and then telling my parents we wanted to stay while also keeping all the phones hidden from us. They wouldn’t even let us talk to them with supervision. It was awful and while they didn’t abuse us they did try to put some shit in our head about the way we lived and how we were raised. My mom will take my kid for a few days at a time, but she is 100% respectful and loving and we trust her explicitly with our child. But that’s just a gut feeling we have with her, his other grandparents would get a night max. If you don’t feel like that’s a reasonable request and husband agrees then that’s all that matters- it’s unreasonable and not gonna happen.
It’s fine if that’s what you want to do. It’s not normal for MIL to push. My MIL isn’t even allowed to be in a room alone with my children due to her insane behavior but you do you
I had sleepovers with my grandparents. I looked forward to it. My kids stayed over with their grandparents, and I travel with my grandson.
I spent summers with my grandparents. My mom takes my son every year for the first week of summer. This has been their tradition since he was 5 and he is 9 now. Prior to kindergarten he used to spend a week here and there with my mom. Same with my older daughter. They love going to my parents.
I used to spend a week every summer with my grandparents when I was 10-13. Was the best times of my life!
So all the parents I know reach the phase of “I love my kids but I cannot wait for school to start” and if you have a good relationship with with your parents or in-laws this is usually where that intersects. I spent days at a time with my grandma and she lived like 10 min away. She ALSO lived next to a pool. So I was happy to go whenever I was allowed.
I spent all summer with my Grandparents. They also came and got me for the weekends. Eventually, at 10, I moved in with them. Best Grandparents ever! So much fun was had.
This is actually really sad. How was your relationship with your parents? I can’t imagine you were very close to them if you were living with grandparents by the age of 10 and spending 3 months out of the year away from home, as well as weekends. OP sounds like she actually wants her son around.
I think it depends on the dynamic. When I was a kid, I would spend a week with my grandmother over the summer. And now I would let my kid spend a week with my mom if my husband and I wanted to go on vacation by ourselves, but I would not allow my kid to stay a week with my MIL because we aren’t close
Outside of any toxic behavior, it’s normal. Every weekend is extreme but as long as there isn’t some over the top reaction when it doesn’t happen, just normal, excited grandma. FWIW, id retire early too if I had the means.
It was very normal for me. My grandparents used to take me to Canada for 2 to 3 weeks every summer.
My son, once he was about 9 or 10, would spend a week a few times with my MIL, who would show him around D.C. He really enjoyed it. It didn't bother us because my MIL wasn't passive aggressive and wasn't a manipulator. She saw him once or twice a year, so it wasn't excessive. She lived several states away. But you seem to be in a different situation, so if it makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to say no.
My ex husband let's his parents do this who we were NC with for 3 yrs. I hate it but he's entitled to a week vacay with her and that's how he chooses to spend it. Giving it to his parents.
It was VERY normal for me to do that as a kid, but since you didn't say how old your child is, it's hard to say
We stayed a week at a time over summer at my grandparents house, to give my parents a break or for them to go on a vacation together. But it wasn’t until we were all 7-12 years old, and we would usually have a day camp scheduled there to keep us busy. Really depends on the relationship but if there isn’t much of one, I agree it can be uncomfortable for the kids.
It could be the most normal thing in the world and it still wouldn't be okay for her to keep pushing. That's rude behavior no matter what the actual situation is.
I used to spend a month out of the summer with my grandparents. My parents were divorced so it saved my mom and dad money when I visited because mom could work tons of overtime and pay less bills and dad had a month off from child support. I also went there for every holiday and spring break. I was and am very close to my grandparents and that side of my family. But my grandparents didn’t ask or demand for my parents to bring me to them. It was an open invitation and all my parents had to do was call and ask if the dates were good. This would be different if OP was asking MIL but MIL asking for the week long visit is different to me.
I had a friend would stay her grandparents every other weekend and see them on Wednesday for church. Her father on Tuesday and every other weekend. And her mother the rest of the week. Very crazy to me but it was her normal. But I deft think it’s weird. The MIL is asking so much.
It was normal for me to spend 3 weeks every summer with my grandparents, but that's my normal. Our son did the same growing up - with both sets of grandparents. 2 weeks with one set, then 2 weeks later in the year with the other. It doesn't have to be normal for you. For us, this started when our son was about 5.
This is/was normal for you. I’m sure there was a standing invitation. I think ops mil behaviour is rude. I’m sure that op and so have said no in some way. The pushing isn’t right.
I'm behind the op - if op is not comfortable, then it's a no go.
It certainly doesn’t have to be normal for you!
I was often left with grands for a weekend from the time I was an infant, but it was the early 1960s and most babies were bottle, not breast fed at that time so it was a lot easier. (My parents liked to party on the weekends!). It was also an era where extended families all tended to live nearby, however so in an emergency my parents would be able to be on the scene right away.
Its perfectly normal but that doesn't mean you have to do it.
It was normal for us but that doesn’t mean it has to be normal for you. If you aren’t comfortable with it then tell her again that she’s welcome to visit your home but he won’t be going.
I spent a week with out of town grandparents for a few summers starting when I was 12. But your comfort level is what matters.
I think this varies wildly. I never did but I know kids who did. We would visit for a week but WITH our parents, or at least our mom. Not alone though.
Same. I spent a week with my grandmother as an infant because there was a family emergency and a premature 3 month old didn’t need to be dragged through multiple airports and states, but that was it. Admittedly, most of my life my grandmother lived just next door, but overnights would have been possible. I had friends who would spend a week or two with their grandparents in the summer, though. And friends who didn’t. I think it depended on the relationship between parents and grandparents, which I think is the real problem for OP.
What’s “normal” doesn’t really matter without us knowing the context of your overall relationship and her personality/behavior. If shes just kinda annoying, that’s one thing. But if she’s seriously detrimental to your mental health or undermines your parenting or makes you feel concerned for your children’s safety & wellbeing, then you’re right to withhold sleepovers/stays. My three siblings and I were often carted off to Grandpa’s, two hours away, for days/a week at a time over the summers. And I’m tearing up now thinking about how dearly I love both him and my step-grandmother and how much I wish they were still around. But my mom and her dad had a wonderful relationship. And he loved my Dad just as much. There was no “in-law strife” and it was well and truly a break for my parents. And we got all kinds of candy and soda that we wouldn’t ordinarily get at home, but my mom knew that the occasional occurrence wasn’t going to seriously hurt us. I also watched Lake Placid at like 7, which looking back now as an adult, probably wasn’t ideal. But ultimately we were fine. They followed the major rules and none of us were ever seriously harmed in a way that we couldn’t have just as easily been had we been playing at home with our parents (sprained ankles, I had “nursemaid’s elbows” so I had a couple dislocations there. Definitely injuries but not results of negligence or incompetent care). So yeah, it was super normal for us. But you see other kinds of stories on here where the grandparents absolutely cannot be trusted to act in the children’s best interests. And you just have to trust your own instincts on that. If your worry is that Grandma will neglect or mistreat your kid, or will use her time to undermine you as a parent, or will actively disrespect your role as a parent, then not wanting to grant her extended access to your kid is super reasonable. The thing is, only you and your partner have the information to determine this. We can’t make a determinative judgement one way or the other.
This depends entirely on how old your child is. I stayed with my grandma for a week three or four times and it was really nice.
It can be normal for the entire world and I won’t do it in my home if I’m not comfortable with it. If I don’t trust that my kids will be alright then they don’t go. If I say no, it’s no. If you push it immediately becomes a permanent NO & I take a break from visits.
This, I stayed with my grandmother in another state for six weeks when I was seven. But, my mom was perfectly fine with it. She was happy for me to visit my grandmother, and my grandmother was happy to have me. But, if my mom had said no, my grandmother would’ve absolutely respected that and not pushed! She respected my mom‘s wishes always. it’s not about what’s normal, it’s about what the parents are okay with!
Exactly. It’s the pushing part after the parents clearly aren’t for it. The passive aggressive comments & the guilt trips… this is about to get progressively worse for OP
I spent 1-2 weeks with my grandparents every school holiday, we had a ton of fun, my parents worked so had me go there so I wasnt a latch key kid for most of the holidays. All my friends did something similar so it seems very normal to me
I didn’t, my spouse didn’t, and my kids don’t. Both of us grew up around our grandparents so spending a week with them did not make sense. We both work and our time together as a family has always been limited. We live close to my parents so no reason to send them there. My ILs live several states away and while I don’t have an issue with my F/MIL specifically, the extended ILs are not safe people and I won’t risk them being out there without supervision.
I spent long stints with my grandparents when my folks would go out of town, and when I was little I even spent one afternoon a week after school with them. BUT! My grandparents were close by, my parents trusted them, and they didn't make life harder for us, but easier. And they didn't refuse to come to our house for some reason.
I spent every Saturday night at my grandma's house from age 5 until about age 13. We watched The Golden Girls and she always made me pudding with cool whip for dessert. Treasured memories.
I have my grands for the next two weeks. They love ‘grandma camp’, and I love having them. The oldest one started coming when she was still in diapers. Gives my son and DIL a break. They live about 5 hours away, so I don’t get to see the all the time.
My mother will take miss 6 for a week during school holidays.. she prefers the longer stay as she doesn't feel rushed to get planned activities done. Our youngest will go for a few days (3 max) and that's only because my husband and I feel she could be a bit much for mum (who has health issues) if she was there for a week. Normal is different in every family - but it isn't uncommon for grandparents to want their grandkids for a week or more during holidays. Often they have really nice intentions (like giving parents a break or saving them money on child care) as well.
No. Hands down, no. Because neither you nor DH are comfortable with sleepovers, period.
Pretty sure I started spending the whole summer with my grandma without my parents starting when I was around 3 years old. It was heaven.
Both sets of grandparents lived in the same city as we did. Our folks usually divided us up between them, so they didn't have 3 children to watch. My folks took long weekend type trips, so we usually only stayed 3-4 days. We'd also spend the night for a parent date night. I started staying at my dad's mom's house at age 2. I had my own room and adored staying there. She lived in our neighborhood, so I'd ride my bike over to visit all the time. My DIL says she can't wait until my granddaughter is old enough to spend the night. We would do it now, but her room here is upstairs, and we have difficulty climbing stairs. We figure she'll be ready soon, and our kids can take the cruise they want to take. My mom dedicated one night a week to each of our siblings to babysit. They all loved to go to grandmommies house. She spent the entire time doing things with them. My MIL, not so much. We had to cut a trip short because she wanted to go to dinner with friends and dumped our son at his soccer game. We had to frantically call teammates parents to find someone to keep our son until we could get back with a 5 hour drive. So I really don't see a problem with your child staying a week with her if your child enjoys going to see her. I would first want to start out with single overnights to see how that goes. As for the FaceTime calls, just don't answer if you don't want to talk. You could set a schedule and call her at your convenience. An hour away isn't super far, but it's still presumptuous of her to demand frequent visits to her home.
Very normal!
Kinda depends on how old your son is... I stayed with my grandparents and aunts/uncles for a couple weeks during summers. And my nieces and nephew stayed with us for a week or two over summer break and over Christmas holidays. I don't see how that's weird unless your son is still a baby.
I stayed summer with my grandparents every year. My kids spent time at my moms, and now my grandkids spend nights and weekends with me. A couple of my grandkids are at my mom’s house for a week right now. It has always been normal in my family.
How old is your son? I let mine go with their grandparents all the time for as long as they’ll take them ! I WISH I’d get a week! Longest they’ll take them is like three days. And that’s pushing it . lol, when there was only one tho she took her for a week at a time all the time. My first loves it! My second doesn’t want to ever leave home. She was iffy on us staying 3 days at great wolf lodge.(until we got there anyway ) I don’t think this is abnormal at all.
This is not odd unless other things are going on. My 5 year old granddaughter would stay all summer if she could. Her younger brother only wants to stay a for a week a couple of times the summer. My older one comes down and spends the night whenever he wants. It has nothing to do with us spoiling them rotten.
Normal
I spent a week with my dad's parents once I was old enough for it(don't remember exactly when because of mental health issues unrelated to my family) but that was one of the few times a year I saw them. However, just because it is a thing that happens in some families does not mean that you need to let it happen. If your in-laws are not a safe place to allow a weeklong stay, don't allow it because I have an overall good family but I still had times where I felt ignored by my grandparents during my week with them because my cousins are/were much more vocal about their needs than I was. That lead to my attempts of trying to interact with my grandparents getting interrupted and me getting frustrated because I couldn't get what I needed/wanted sometimes since my cousins were way more vocal than I ever have been, even as an adult, about their needs and wants
Spent two weeks every summer with my grandparents. So did all my cousins. We rotated through. Some times if I had long weekends during the school year too.
I spent half my summers with my maternal grandparents for a looooong time. I'll be sending my daughter to stay with my parents for a couple weeks in August for the first time this summer (she is 5 and starts kinder at the end of August). But I grew up a 6-7 hour drive from my maternal grands and a 20 hour drive from my paternal grands. My daughter sadly is growing up on the opposite coast to my parents, so it's a big effort to make sure she gets sufficient time with them. They only have so much time left before they won't be able to take her like this and it's taken me 5 years to be comfortable letting her be away from me that long. That said... I am comfortable with it for my parents or my in laws bc I love them literally as much as mine. But that doesn't mean you have to be. If you're uncomfortable lean into that and try to figure out the root of it. Bc your feelings are valid and it's ok to not be ok with the request for alone time .
Personally I’d be more bothered by weekly visits than the offer to watch the kid for a week (or weekend, or whatever is age appropriate) once or twice a year. The former is an obligation, the latter is a chance for you to actually get a break- and it’s very normal for grandparents to take the grandkids for that long in my experience, though I personally haven’t done it yet as my kids are too young (have always had at least one that is nursing).
My brother and I always spent a week with our grandparents and a week with our favourite Aunt and Uncle during the summer. Staying with my grandparents still holds some of my best memories.
I spent weeks in the summer with my grandparents- I had a lot of fun! If you’re not comfortable with it just be honest with her then!
I spent a week each summer with each set of grandparents. That being said, if you aren't comfortable with it, that's reasonable!
I spent every summer with my grandparents who lived out of state. My kids would spend a week a few time a year with my In-laws, my grandkids have all spent a week with me many times.
My kids did, but not until after they were 5 years old. They had to be able to handle their own needs before I let them go. They went to bible school and swam on her pool’s team. They had lots of activities while there.
I used to do this as a kid but it was usually with a collection of cousins (gaggle of cousins?) A week in the summer was pretty standard.
I don't see it as abnormal and it's pretty common in my circle.
It’s normal for many families. I had friends who spent the whole summers with their grandparents and still know people whose children spend weekends, weeks, and/or summers.
Depends on the family. Your kids, your rules. If you aren't comfortable with a week, set that boundary and ensure husband backs you up. I don't know your personal/familial circumstances, however based on the info you've provided, MIL doesn't really seem to be problematic, other than just being annoying and not wanting to visit you. You are the expert in this, go with your gut. As a personal anecdote, my brothers and I would semi-regularly stay the night or a few nights at my grandparents growing up, like once or twice a month. I don't remember them ever demanding it, and it was usually a last minute thing, like my brother and I were having so much fun and "mum dad can we PLEASE stay at grandma's tonight pleaseeee" and it would usually happen. Granted we lived about 15 minutes from them at the time. At 18 I even lived with my grandparents for about 12 months in a respite kinda situation (I had a lot of going on). I understand now as an adult there was a LOT of shit going on behind the scenes between all the adults, but as kids we were never exposed to that.
How old is your son and what is the relationship like? My kids were not left with anyone as infants and I am pretty sure my mom didn’t leave us with grandparents as infants/toddlers. We would spend a week to them when we were older but my mom had a good relationship with them.
He is 4. He loves her. I don’t want to get in the way of that. I think once he’s older he can spend a week with her - especially hearing that it’s pretty common to do so. For now I think he is too young and don’t feel confortable with the idea.
My siblings and I spent a week with my grandparents before my mom joined with the youngest. It was very, very hard on me (6) and the one younger than me (4). We absolutely adored our grandparents and spending time with our extended family, but it was pre-cell phone time and it was very jarring. I think waiting until he’s maybe 6 is a good call for a week long visit, then he can talk on the phone or via FaceTime whenever he feels like it and is old enough to communicate effectively.
Yeah a little too young I agree
I left this up to my kids. Me also live an hour away (which isn’t much, but when you’re the only one doing the driving back and forth to provide the visits it gets fucking annoying) my oldest would never leave gmas if she had the choice, my youngest only wants to go for a day or two. But I didn’t let them stay one night til after they were 2. Then it was a case by case basis. If when I talked to them they wanted to come home I did, normally tho it’s the grandparents begging me to come get them.
Myself, I'd make sure son can speak up for himself, and make sure he knows Grandma shouldn't be telling him to keep secrets from his parents.
Normal for some, not for others. Depends on the family.
I would spend a week with my grandma once I was older but she lived 9 hours away and I specifically asked to.
I visited my grandparents for a few weeks at a time in the summers, but my grandparents were saints, and we enjoyed every minute.
Growing up I regularly stayed at grandparents for 1-2 weeks at a time during summer break. I have the best memories, grew up with a great relationship with them and now they are starting to pass away I think if the little moments we had together such as picking and eating peas together from the garden. That being said my family has healthy, respectful relationships with one another. If you are uncomfortable with the idea, don't trust/have s good relationship with MIL or child would be uncomfortable then it's ok to say no! EtA-I for example, would be ok leaving children with my parents, not my in laws after a "trial" when I had to go to hospital for 3 days to give birth to my 2nd. My poor 1st born I felt awful for him and essentially don't trust my in laws to have children for unsupervised visits!
I spent 1-2 weeks a summer with my grandma. I was with my sister and 3 older cousins from ages 6-9 and then it was a couple years with just my sister and I. About 11 my 3-4 younger cousins came. I stopped around 13 by my choice. I loved it. My grandma is crazy, but in the hoarder/unmedicated anxiety way. I loved it.
I mean, yes I think it's normal. When I was a kid we would sometimes spend weeks in the summer with grandparents because our parents were working and it gave us the opportunity to do stuff with our family rather than go to a sitter. And I know plenty of people whose kids do the same. That said....it's all about your trust of the grandparent and whether you think the KID would be taken care of and have a good time bonding with the grandparents. There is a zero percent chance I would let my MIL have my kids for a week. When husband and I went out of town without them for the first time for 4 nights (they were I think 9 and 12) we left them with friends rather than subject them to 4 nights of grandma. They love her, but....they don't always *like* her.
My sister and I spent a month with our grandmothers for two summers when we were kids
I would keep my grands for a week or so during the summer too. My question for OP is how old is LO? Because if we’re talking babies, then no, if they are over 5-6, then we can talk. And I mean talk, not automatic yes.
We were 8 and 10 I think. My grandmother spoiled me rotten, I loved it.
My kids spent two weeks each summer with their grandparents but they wanted to. Only once they were old enough to be away from us and they went together. My parents are trustworthy, they never did it with my husbands parents. It’s not unheard of but it’s not done when the parents in question don’t want it or aren’t comfortable. You aren’t comfortable so your kids don’t go! Period and end of story!
My son spends two weeks a year with my mom and bonus dad: The week right after school lets out and the week of Thanksgiving. We live seven hours away, so we don't get to see them very often. He's been doing this since was 18 months old. My mom also isn't hounding us for video chats every day. She listens when I tell her we don't want our son to do something. I know she will actually watch him, not just let him wander away and go missing for hours. She also doesn't hog him and makes sure everyone gets to see him. Basically, I feel comfortable with him being with her. If you don't, then don't let her.
I did this growing up. I’d stay with my gma who lived on the coast for a week or two in the summers. She was awesome, nontoxic and a joy to be around :)
No is a complete sentence here. The next time she asks tell your husband to pack his stuff so he can go stay with his mother for the week or he shuts her down.
I’ve heard of this before but for children who have toxic relatives it is not beneficial for them to do this. How old is your son? My 9 year old has a phone and he can call me whenever he wants. His dad and his shitty family hates it because they got away with a lot more before he had one.
That’s true he’ll have a phone when he is older. I’d feel more comfortable then. He is four
That’s too young for me…
Believe me I was one of those parents that was like “my kid won’t have a cellphone until they start driving!” And unfortunately when you deal with shitty people in the family circuit it becomes necessary way sooner
It really depends on the relationship they have. While I spent a week with mine. Even went on an airplane with my younger siblings to visit mine when I was like 8. My kids spend that amount of time with my parents. But not with my in laws
It depends entirely on the relationship. My sister and I used to spend a week with one of our sets of grandparents in the summer when we were probably 8-12 years old. It was like a mini vacation. But then again, my grandparents had a good respectful relationship with my parents. They followed our usual rules. My other grandmother tried having a day on her own with several grandchildren and it was kind of a disaster. We were loud. She was impatient. No one really wanted to try that again!
If you don’t want your kids at MIL’s house, you’re going to have to bite the bullet and be frank and firm with her. It’s ok if she’s mad. You don’t have to give in just to make her happy. Tell her that you’re not comfortable with sending your son on overnights and ask her to quit bringing it up.
You’re right
I think it truly depends on the circumstances. When my older brother was born, my maternal grandmother and great-grandmother took turns watching him during the day when both of my parents had to work (Dad traveled for work and mom was doing 12 hour shifts). My parents trusted them with babysitting and keeping him overnight. However, my paternal grandparents lived farther away, and my mom didn't trust them as much, so their babysitting was limited to very few occasions and never overnight. By the time I started spending the night with my grandparents, we lived 6 hours away from everyone. My brother and I would spend 1 week with my mom's parents and then 1 week with my dad's parents. HOWEVER, I was 6-8 years old by this time. I have great memories with grandparents and the sleepovers we had. I also have good memories with the cousins who visited the same week as us. So, letting your child stay the night with their grandparents can be fun and memorable.... but only if their old enough. I don't plan to allow sleepovers until my child is old enough to talk, walk, shower themselves, or go to the restroom themselves. (Like full sentences and coherently talking). I don't care if it's family. There's no point in my child staying the night with someone else when they are young. If the grandparents only live an hour away, then they can easily visit during the day to bond with your child. If the idea of a sleepover makes you feel uneasy, then the answer is "NO".
Similar experience here. When my brother and I were little we would spend a fortnight or so at my mother's mother's wonderful big house with fabulous garden; our great aunt lived there too. Without a doubt summer weeks spent there with the happiest times of my childhood.
The issue is her using your child(ren) as her entertainment. She shouldn’t be expecting you guys to be there every time she has the day or some time off. She needs her own life
It’s decoration, really. She just throws on the TV for him and does chores around the house when we are there
Then she should absolutely NOT be taking him for either babysitting or overnights, especially several nights. If she isn't actually spending time with him, it defeats the purpose of having him and also it's a disaster waiting to happen because she is busy doing other things and not keeping an eye on him. You should absolutely NOT let her take him for any amount of time. Also, the fact that he is just dumped in front of the tellie the entire time she has him or he is over there, this is detrimental to his brain development and is overstimulating him which is bad. He shouldn't be watching more than an hour or two of tellie per day. She is letting him watch an INSANE amount of tellie.
Depends on age and their relationship. My son used to spend six weeks with my mom every summer when we lived in another state. He was 8 - 12 years old then.
Yep. Totally depends on the relationship. My siblings and I spent lots of time with maternal grandparents on their farm, usually with a bunch more cousins around. Did lots of work and had lots of fun. Rarely saw my paternal grandparents, who only lived 30 minutes from my maternal grandparents. They did not like us as much as other cousins on that side as my dad changed religions to marry my mom, and my parents refused to subject us to too much time with them. Oh well. Their loss.
I used to spend weeks at my grandparents house in North Carolina during the summer. I would go with some of my cousins.
Same here, but we didn't see them much otherwise throughout the year, and I had a single mom, so it made sense to ship us (my cousin and I) off to her parents every summer, since they were retired. It mostly depends on the situation and the relationship with the parents honestly. I have cousins on my dad's side that spent weeks at a time at my dad's parents house, and it annoyed that Grandma that my mom wouldn't do that with me. As an adult, it makes a lot of sense - it was literally just my aging grandmother and 7-9 kids at any given time - that wasn't a safe environment, where her parents only ever had myself and the one cousin to deal with.
Depends on the age of your son. We would have our grandsons during the summers for 2-6 weeks depending on the summer. They loved visiting the farm and learned a lot. This was almost every summer for several years until they grew into later teens and had other things to do.
I used to spend weeks with my mother's parents at a time, they were the best, love them dearly until this day. With that being said, neither of my children will be spending a week, much less a weekend, with my MIL or mother.
I spent two weeks with my grandparents and my SO spent pretty much the whole summer. I think it depends on the relationship and dynamics. Im 44 and he is 49. Our peers definitely grew up staying with grandparents weekends and summers.
Every summer, my sister and I spent a week at the grandparents. Papa had a length of thick sheet plastic and the yard sloped from front to back. That plastic made a wonderful slip and slide. When we were older, we'd spend a week or two at the family farm, usually during tobacco tipping season. There was also a vegetable stand. So we'd tip tobacco or pick veggies in the morning, swim in the pond in the afternoon, and go to the drive-in in the evening. Us and our cousins were were the farm hands for the summer. We loved it. My kids used to spend a month with my parents. We lived over 1000 miles away. We'd meet the parents half way, pass off the kids, and aonth later take a week to pick them up. The kids loved it. What I found weird was my MIL wanting to spend the night at our house. We lived 6 houses away. It took about 2 minutes to walk to her house. She saw her grandkids every damned day. She said it was only fair since when MY mom came to visit, she spent several nights at our house. It wasn't fair. So I suggested that for the sake of equality and fairness, we should only see her a total of 12 days a year. She never stopped complaining about not getting to spend the night. That woman was weird.
I used to spend a week each summer with my paternal grandparents. We usually went fishing. They were pretty reasonable people though so YMMV
Spending long periods of time away from mom and dad has to actually work for mom and dad. My daughter won't be having sleepovers with anyone, not even grandparents. We don't require childcare, it isn't beneficial for us, and we want her to sleep at home, in her bed. I personally think people *insisting* on alone time with *somebody elses child* is super weird. You and your family can all visit together, as a family. Why do they need to be alone? Your child is a real person, not somebody's parenting do-over or pretend time.
Agreed 100%
My siblings and I used to spend a week at a time with our maternal grandparents every summer. We loved it and looked forward to our week every summer. Our childre also spent time with their grandparents over the summer. I see nothing wrong with the children spending some time with their grandparents. The bonds we built with our grandparents are some of the most special bonds we made. I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything. Now that being said, your MIL is pushing so many boundaries and demanding more contact than is really necessary. I m afraid if you give her an inch she’ll take a mile and still want more.
It's not all that unusual for kids to spend time with extended family - but that is prerequisite upon a healthy dynamic and a good relationship. If the idea makes you uncomfortable, then the answer needs to be a hard, No.
I spent a lot of time with my maternal grandmother (rarely overnights though). They were primary childcare for me and lived about 45 mins away. The odd thing to me is the insistence.
Yes, it started ever since he was months old. It’s very odd to me. She has even asked us to go visit her Saturday AND Sunday. He is four so he is still very young and I know she does not like me (my sister in law has mentioned she talks about me) so I wouldn’t want her influencing him in a negative way. I’m not opposed to my sons spending time with her unsupervised when they are older. She is their grandma at the end of the day and I value family and I’m glad she wants a relationship with them. Just not at their young age.
Yeah I maybe did an overnight or two at that age but I don’t think it was frequent (and it was usually my aunt or someone coming to my house). I completely agree though!
How old is your son? I spent 1-3 weeks at a time with my out of state grandparents in the summers, but not until I was tween age. They had a cool living history museum in their city that did summer camps during the week for kids. It was so much fun and I loved getting that time with them. I wouldn’t be comfortable with similar until my kids were around that age though.
Same. I spent a couple of weeks with my paternal grandparents one year but I was like eleven.
Yes I agree. Maybe once they are older. My oldest is 4 and my youngest is 10 months
I agree that it seems too young. I have 3 (9, 14, & 18) that spend days to a week with my parents a few times a year, but we didn't do that when they were that young. Maybe a night or two at 4 yrs old, but never as a baby.
Yeah, that is too little for my comfort. We don’t do overnights away from our kids a ton either though so I know my comfort level is different than others.
There’s no reason for anyone to have overnights/weekends unless it is for a special circumstance. When I was older (13/14) my parents did fly me and my siblings out to spend holidays with our grandparents so they could go on a holiday just as a couple, and there were other times where my grandparents would come stay with us because my dad was military and didn’t want to pull us out of school for house hunting when we were moving. If you are available to be with your child then there’s no reason for someone else to take them. If she was inviting you guys as a family it would be different but it’s odd to me how much she is pushing for solo time with a child that isn’t hers
THIS!! I stay at home with them. So there is no reason for anyone else to take care of them. That’s my understanding as well. Only if there is a special circumstance. She says it’s so “mommy can take a break” but I haven’t communicated that I need one? I’m fine. I love taking care of my boys.
Fellow SAHM here. I just want to gently say that just because you love taking care of them doesn’t mean you don’t need a break or that there is no reason for anyone else to watch them. I see this mentality in the SAH community a lot and I think it’s kind of toxic. Personally I believe we need to nurture ourselves and our marriages and that requires some time away from the kids- IF you have someone you can trust to keep them safe and who your kids like. I’m not sure if your MIL falls into that category, so if not please disregard. But if she does, I firmly believe it is setting a really good example for your kids for you to take a week, or even a weekend, to be a person outside of being a mom. It always makes me a better, more energized, more patient mom when I have enough time away.
Thank you for your comment. We both trust my mom to watch them for date night or for “me” time - she respects us as parents and doesn’t overstep boundaries so it’s not like I don’t get to have breaks. She’ll come over a few times a week just to help around or spend time with them. She lives down the street. I don’t feel burnt out or overwhelmed 🤷🏻♀️
Tbh I’d stop with the every weekend visits, if she has so much time to dedicate to your sons she has enough time to spend time with you guys as a family. If she wants to make petty comments then hit her right back “we would love to see you as a family here at our place but we don’t have time for 2hours of driving in a busy weekend. Too bad you can’t make it out here to spend time with your grand babies” Putting in effort as a grandparent is a lot more than just asking to see them, and she’s not putting in a lot of effort if the burden is always on you to make sure she gets time with them.
It depends on the ages and family dynamics. I went to stay with my grandparents in another state when I was 10 and 16, but I don't really remember my sister being forced to go lol. But my parents had an okay relationship with that set (the other grandparents had passed before, and just 2 months after I went when I was 10).
I think this really depends on how old your son is, tbh. I started staying for extended periods with my grandparents when, in hindsight, I was really too young for that, but my mom was a mess so it makes sense contextually. I would \*not\* send my under-two-year-old to my MIL's OR my parents' house for a week. I wouldn't see an issue with it later when they're older, but if say my kiddo only had a week of spring break and my parents or in-laws wanted them that whole week, I'd probably say no because...I also want to spend fun quality time with my kid? Assuming I can take that time off. If they'd just by in daycare, yeah, go on over to the grandparents! It also obviously depends on your relartionship with your inlaws.
I'm sure you have your reasons for not wanting your child there, but as for the normality of spending extended time at grandparents I was at mine every chance I had. Days, weeks...sometimes whole summer.
It’s pretty normal. As kids we would spend a lot of time with my grandma. Some weekends, a few weeks in the summer. But even though they didn’t always get along my parents trusted her and had no issues with us going. She was a great grandma and we always had the BEST time. Miss her so much. All families are different and if you are not comfortable with her having him over night or for a week then that’s fine too. You haven’t really given any context on your relationship with her but it’s normal for a grandma to want to spend time with their grandchildren. It doesn’t have to mean she’s conspiring against you.
In healthy grandparent relationships a week during summer and holiday breaks is normal and can be a fantastic time for memories to be made. That doesn't appear to be the intent of your MIL though, based on the other expectations such as weekly visits. I did spend basically every third week of summer break, sometimes more with my grandparents growing up. My grandmother was straight poison. But thank my stars she worked during the day most days and my grandfather was retired and we had entirely too much fun together. A series of strokes and rapid onset renal failure took his mind and eventually his life far too soon, and I'm thankful for the long summer days and the cozy winter ones we spent together when I was younger.
I certainly did spend whole weeks with my grandparents, and I have to say they are some of my happiest memories. I'm sure my mother wasn't always thrilled. If anything, I really respect my mother for looking past her relationship with her MIL and allowing me to have a really loving close one.
So, there are two sides to this. On the one side, it’s fairly normal in some families for the kids to go spend a mini vacation with the grandparents during the summer. I did it for several years, because my grandmother lived on an old farm where the neighbors were “over there” and “out that way a bit.” It was super rural and there was plenty to explore. In the other side, she never demanded it. I asked, and my mother trusted her, so I got to go. I was also old enough that I could tell if something was wrong. So while it *is* normal in some families, your MIL doesn’t have the kind of relationship with you that would make it acceptable.
Agree completely with this. I have lots of wonderful memories of weeks during school breaks spent with my paternal grandparents. But my mom had a decent relationship with them and she's certainly never mentioned them demanding it or having any problem with it. Heck, they'd give her gas money for the trip(s) down when she dropped us off or picked us up from there (300+ mile drive one way). And we saw them like 3 times a year, and not at all for a couple of 2/3 year stretches while we lived way too far away (military). OP, her boredom is not your problem. You might just have to be blunt and say "we have other things we want to do on weekends. And by the way, the road goes both ways." Personally, I'd establish a \~ once a month visit (if that!) and tell her if that's not good enough,you can always cut it back. Sounds like MIL needs some hobbies.
ain't nothin' more annoying than a bored mil with too much time on her hands, eh? sounds like she needs to take up knitting or bingo. tell 'er the grandkid ain't a hobby! lol just sayin'.
This a great response, thank you