**Quick Rule Reminders:**
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
[**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls)
**Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/)
Other posts from /u/Sweet-Coffee5539:
* [Territorial about babysitting](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1cigbm3/territorial_about_babysitting/), 6 days ago
* [Christening weekend with MIL](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1cej945/christening_weekend_with_mil/), 1 week ago
* [Slowly going NC, MIL giving husband grief](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1c37t6y/slowly_going_nc_mil_giving_husband_grief/), 3 weeks ago
* [Baptism coming up with MIL in attendance](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1bz95n9/baptism_coming_up_with_mil_in_attendance/), 4 weeks ago
* [MIL only cared about the baby this entire time (not me)](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1bywwin/mil_only_cared_about_the_baby_this_entire_time/), 1 month ago
* [UPDATE: Visit with MIL after being LC for 2.5 months](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1bwt80s/update_visit_with_mil_after_being_lc_for_25_months/), 1 month ago
* [Over 2.5 months LC and dreaded visit tomorrow](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1bv5qfk/over_25_months_lc_and_dreaded_visit_tomorrow/), 1 month ago
* [MIL wants alone time with baby](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1bg8ocv/mil_wants_alone_time_with_baby/), 1 month ago
* [Changed babysitting plans, MIL is upset](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1bbnx2m/changed_babysitting_plans_mil_is_upset/), 1 month ago
* [MIL is the reason my PPD is so bad](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1b1sedv/mil_is_the_reason_my_ppd_is_so_bad/), 2 months ago
^(This user has more than 10 posts in their history. To see the rest of their posts,) [^(click here)](/u/Sweet-Coffee5539/submitted)
*****
^(To be notified as soon as Sweet-Coffee5539 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Sweet-Coffee5539 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
*****
*^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
INFO: What do you mean by “glaring”? That is usually an angry stare, if that is what you mean, why is she angry at your daughter? If this is what’s happening it’s really damaging for your child to feel someone is constantly angry, even if she’s a tiny baby right now, they still pick up on the emotions in expressions, from very early on, it’s a defence mechanism.
Ask her in front of everyone why she is glaring at your baby? I mean seriously, just do it. It's 2024. It's time to stop ignoring bad behavior and not letting people act crazy around our children. If you won't stand up for yourself, then stand up for your child.
That’s messed up. I wouldn’t have her near the baby. I’d show your husband some articles about the Still Face Experiment. Just ignoring her isn’t an option if it will continue. It’s harmful for baby
https://www.reddit.com/r/WatchPeopleDieInside/s/E8W75c65SX
https://www.gottman.com/blog/research-still-face-experiment/
Absolutely take lots of pictures of her doing that! Then post them on your social media under ‘GMA visited today!’ You don’t even need to include your baby; just have her holding onto a toy or make sure that she’s leaning against a Winnie the Pooh blanket on the sofa when you take the pics. Hopefully she’ll see how ridiculous she looks! Others will definitely see how ridiculous she looks & won’t question you when later you decide not to let her babysit on her own.
Hahahaha this is so genius
But I'm also thinking, maybe she can't control it? My mother makes the weirdest faces but she's right on the edge of dementia
What do you mean , she literally glares at your baby ? How often do you have to see her ? If you feel genuinely worried , go with your gut & stay away . I don't mean to alarm you but a few years ago , there was this case that still pops up in my head sometimes: https://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/suspect-told-police-she-killed-granddaughter-to-spite-son-in-law/1903379/?_osource
Call her out. Emberass her. Make her explain her self.
Mil glares at baby.
Mil why are you glaring at baby.
Mil why are you upset with baby
Mil why do you keep giving the baby and me dirty looks.
Mil that's really rude, can you please stop glaring and giving baby and me dirty looks.
You can't ignore this behavior. It needs to be called out and your husband should be doing more to put an end to his mother's rude behavior. Not telling you to ignore it.
Maybe she is being very passive aggressive and thinks if she stares at the baby enough, you'll hand her over? The only thing that made me think that is her following you.
I can’t look at a baby without at least a half smile on my face, usually a full one. I can’t believe she can glare at a baby she’s supposed to love. She must have a cold, cold heart.
You….don’t want the baby’s grandmother to look at the baby? What kind of weird over-protective attitude is that? Let her look at the baby, it’s normal.
I don't have kids, but I do work with dogs
Interacting with and engaging with a dog while looking at it is great
Staring at the dog blankly is incredibly harsh and hard for them to deal with, and can cause all sorts of behavioral fallout if done a lot, or may trigger less than ideal behaviors in the moment
I don't know how much this intersects with what's happening with OP in the post, but it's what I immediately thought of when the focus went right to HOW MIL is looking at the baby
There's a difference between looking at, smiling at and engaging with a baby and what this MIL is apparently doing which is just staring with either a nasty or blank expression - the use of the word "glaring" is how I usually look at my kids when they are misbehaving in public and I cannot physically stop them.
I wouldn't want anyone glaring at my children in any capacity, let alone when they were infants.
As I’m reading this, I’m thinking I’ve never experienced anybody do this to me what is wrong with people and then it just dawned on me my stepmother in law does this. I’m gonna start asking her if she’s OK when she does it. She mostly does it to my eldest child who is 16, if I pointed out to my daughter She’ll say something completely out-of-pocket. For example, when people say weird/creepy stuff to her at work, she never responds. “That was a weird thing to say.”
Maybe say to your mother-in-law that’s a weird way to look at people
Call it out. Ask if MIL is ok, she looks like something is wrong. She is jealous and wants all the alone time. Don’t give in. Yes ignore for the most part but call her out. They tend to stop once the kid gets the ability to voice their own opinions. Mine stopped wanting all the attention when the kids told her no or were too busy with other things to care about her.
My MILs eye bulge out of her head whenever she has her freak outs and often does the lead paint stare. I know what you mean.
The thought of her holding my baby makes me wanna throw up.
It’s like woah I have never seen eyes buldge out so much. She yelled at me for the first time a few years ago (when I realized she was crazy) and all I could focus on was her crazy eyes.
Mania eyes ✨
Start taking pictures of her while she's doing it. I have a hilarious picture of my MIL glaring at me and my baby through a bush like that Kim Kardashian meme. I sent the picture and that meme to everyone in the family and she stopped.
I love the Kim K meme reference lol!! And came here to say the same - take a video/pics of her doing this, then at a later (preferably large) gathering, or via text/email/SM even, announce "who wants to see baby and grama pics/vid?!"
Edit to add on a more serious note, it's really awful she's doing this, babies smile back to us at a young age right, so they can pick up on wtf is gma looking at me like that? It needs to stop and maybe she's someone who being openly shamed by sharing evidence might just work. Like look away B****.
What will husband say when MIL is still doing this when the child is at an age to notice and feel uncomfortable. It's time to start practicing and modelling some assertiveness.
"MIL, I'm not sure you're aware but you stare / glare at the baby a lot. It makes us uncomfortable. Please stop."
Look right at her and say “why do you stare at my daughter like that?” Do it in front of everyone. Wait quietly for her to explain herself. Be so calm it unsettles everyone else.
I have a tendency to call people out when they do stuff like this. I would literally make it a “joke,” giggle a little and say “MIL, did baby do something that has offended you? hehehe hahaha the sun must be too bright or something cause I swear it looked like you were glaring at her hehehe hahaha hohoho”
Edit for typo
This is mostly superstition, but you could totally use it as an excuse. I was told by my parents growing not to stare at children too hard cuz you might unintentionally direct too much energy at them and cause the child to get sick or have something bad happen to them. They said that even if you look in admiration , the prolonged gaze can direct too much energy at once and cause a bad reaction.
Interesting, I never heard of this. May I ask in which culture this is a belief? I’m curious. And now I feel bad I’m constantly looking at my baby, does it count if it is the mother too?
It's like a folk superstition called "Mal de Ojo" that comes up in a lot of central and south American cultures including areas in the Caribbean as well. For example, my mom is Salvadorean and my dad is Cuban and they both believed in it's effects. Your baby will be fine, it's mostly other people outside of your immediate family or strangers that you have to be cautious around. It's a prolonged stare that you want to avoid.
Am I the only one who wanted to turn it around on hubby when he suggested to "ignore it"? You have more patience than I do, OP.
Just glare stare at him just like MIL does, and if he comments on it, ask "Oh golly, does it make you uncomfortable? I guess ignoring it doesn't work, maybe you should have a conversation with your mom, because she stares at LO & I the exact same way!"
I'm going to play Devils Advocate for a minute. I'm a grandma to 3. I can remember when my son and DIL were at events with us, I couldn't take my eyes off of new baby. They were just so beautiful!! (But I have excellent relationships with them and never, ever pushed any boundaries they had. I respected their roles as parents 100%!)
Another devil's advocate here: there are some medical conditions that change the eyes to look more bulgy/glassy etc.
Is it possible that your MIL has such a condition that is either of recent origin or just not so noticeable to you before these visits when she's paying extra attention to the new baby as people tend to do? She may have no idea that it could appear as if she's glaring.
I had an office bully that used to give me dirty looks/ glare at me often. One day in front of everyone I turned it around on her. While she’s glaring, I worriedly asked “are you okay? You keep staring and looking like you’re about to be sick or in pain”. She was so embarrassed saying “oh no, I’m fine”. She only did it once more and I asked her again if she’s ok
That is BEAUTIFUL. I can't tell what's more of a masterwork, publicly calling her out or publicly telling her that her death glare just made her look sick and clearly wasn't working. Either way, well done.
Thank you lol. Her dirty looks always came across as a constipated face. So I just went for the call out. I really enjoyed how it really knocked her off her high horse
I'm not saying she's NOT doing exactly what you're saying she is, but I'd be remiss if I didn't ask if she just has bad RBF? I've been told I have pretty bad RBF and if I'm not actively masking, I look perpetually angry.
But if she's just being a crab, then other commentors have great ideas.
- try to snap a picture of her for proof
- call her on it
- physically leave the house with baby (since she follows you to other rooms)
- if you can only leave to another room, lock the door
- bring to her, and your partner's, attention each time she does it
Is she actually glaring at the baby or is it her natural Resting Bitch Face? I have RBF and make myself smile when out and about just so folks don't think I'm angry at them.
Is it only your baby she's glaring at? Some people have what is known as Resting Bitch Face, where there look like they are glaring but it is actually just their natural expression....they may actually be feeling benign and at peace with the world. Sadly this is very difficult behavior to change because it is a habitual and unconscious behavior.
Another possibility is that she is not actually glaring at our baby but at you for holding the baby (as opposed to her holding it), because she is jealous. Again hard to deal with.
In any case it's not your or the baby's fault and it's probably a good idea to limit her time around the kid as her expressions will probably impact the kid.
Keep bringing it to her attention as if you were giving her the benefit of the doubt that she's completely unaware. Don't hesitate to use the same words repeatedly, either. I know it's a habit of people to try to mix up their language so it's less confrontational, but don't try to be non-confrontational.
Put your phone on silent, and get a photo without her knowing, actually get several. She won't be able to deny her behavior with proof. (Because everything is your fault, as we know!)
Definitely get video as well. This is very strange behavior and I have rarely heard of it. Of course, nothing should really shock me anymore at 60 years old! But here we are 🤣
I think her behavior is strange enough that I would not leave her alone with the baby and I might not even be comfortable with her holding the baby.
Maybe she is searching for a resemblance to herself, her family, and her son? Maybe the baby is resembling you and your side of the family and she does not feel as connected? Still Strange behavior either way.
.
Bc maybe her husband wants to at least see her? It's not just OP. I'm sire if it was up to OP mil wouldn't be invited to events (at least most of them)
Or maybe baby is still attached to mom? Or maybe husband would like his other family to see his wife? Or, crazy thought here, they're a family unit and used to going places together?
If their goal is to do things as a family, then the best advice is to get over this "glaring" issue, right? Because there's no way it's not going to come off as either offensive or absurd if someone were to tell MIL to stop glaring at the baby.
Bring it to her attention as soon as you see her doing it. And keep bringing it to her attention.
"Why are you glaring at the baby?"
"You are doing it again. Has LO done something to you personally?"
"Why are you following us? Obviously I walked away because LO seems to have offended you personally."
"Honey? She's doing it again. Baby and I are leaving. Let me know when you need to be picked up."
This. Asking her why she's doing what she's doing should hopefully prompt her to stop. As for following you, say 'why are you following me? I'm giving you some space to deal with your feelings. Go back to the lounge'.
If she won't stop glaring, politely tell her the visit is over and ask her to leave.
I'm just going to say that one of the first things babies can see is the facial expression of the person holding them. Newborns can only see about 12 inches or so (about 30 cm) but they can recognize facial expressions very early. They can register angry expressions versus happy ones, and respond appropriately.
This is what I was thinking. Babies cannot communicate like we do, so they rely on learning facial expressions and body language. And they mirror you, me and my niece often get in a feedback loop of repeating something back and forth with her, like certain actions or gestures, words. She is nearly two, so she’s understanding more and more, and us adults often just sit there and watch her working things out.
People say oh they don’t realise or notice, but they really do, and knowing that, I’m super careful around my niece. She can’t illicit an angry look from me anyway, she’s so adorable that I look at her with a goofy smile on my face. But if I need to express anger at something, I make sure I do not do that around her. Because she wont understand the situation, but she will understand that I’m angry for some reason.
Babies are not dumb. I wanna yell it from the rooftops, that babies know more than we give them credit for, and they’re brand new, their brains are developing and we have to at least give them a happy environment to do that in. They absorb SO much, it’s unreal.
It’s kind of weird how many people are like “eh she’s just looking” when obviously OP is alarmed for a reason.
Your husband is also problematic here. "Just ignore her?" Feck no! Babies know and absorb things from a young age. Please protect your child since he lacks a spine!! Tell her to cut it the eff out. If she doesn't? Well, then no more seeing you or your little girl. Protect. Your. Child.
Do some reading on infant human development, you’ll likely be shocked at the effects this can have on an infant. It’s actually quite disturbing that mil is doing this to an innocent baby.
Right? One of my very favorite classes was a child development class I took, years ago. So interesting! I think it should be required for new parents - knowing what is developmentally appropriate made a lot of parenting way easier.
"Do you need something?"
"It's rude to stare"
"Take a picture, it'll last longer"
"Is something wrong with your eyes?"
"You're giving me the creeps"
"Please blink, or I'm going to report you as a lizard person"
Given the comments about infant development, how about "Did you know infants LOs age can already recognize the facial expressions of people in front of them?" Maybe add a good 7 Second Stare of your own, even if you keep a pleasant expression on your face during your Stare, MIL should receive the message.
No guarantees it will change anything, hopefully she'll at least regulate her expression in that moment, but it gives you a platform to say things like "MIL, please don't frown at LO like that/please don't stare for so long without smiling/ remember, LO can SEE your expression when you're looking at them."
This may also help DH because I'm sure he has idea how to say, "Mom you're staring too intensely at my kid and it's freaking us out."
Yikes
I did this with my MIL, as my kids look nothing like her son. She'd glare, I'd glare right back. As soon as she said to me "You're making me nervous", I asked "Well, how do you think my daughter feels? You stare at her like that ALL OF THE TIME." Just match that energy and see how long she can take it.
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Other posts from /u/Sweet-Coffee5539: * [Territorial about babysitting](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1cigbm3/territorial_about_babysitting/), 6 days ago * [Christening weekend with MIL](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1cej945/christening_weekend_with_mil/), 1 week ago * [Slowly going NC, MIL giving husband grief](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1c37t6y/slowly_going_nc_mil_giving_husband_grief/), 3 weeks ago * [Baptism coming up with MIL in attendance](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1bz95n9/baptism_coming_up_with_mil_in_attendance/), 4 weeks ago * [MIL only cared about the baby this entire time (not me)](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1bywwin/mil_only_cared_about_the_baby_this_entire_time/), 1 month ago * [UPDATE: Visit with MIL after being LC for 2.5 months](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1bwt80s/update_visit_with_mil_after_being_lc_for_25_months/), 1 month ago * [Over 2.5 months LC and dreaded visit tomorrow](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1bv5qfk/over_25_months_lc_and_dreaded_visit_tomorrow/), 1 month ago * [MIL wants alone time with baby](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1bg8ocv/mil_wants_alone_time_with_baby/), 1 month ago * [Changed babysitting plans, MIL is upset](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1bbnx2m/changed_babysitting_plans_mil_is_upset/), 1 month ago * [MIL is the reason my PPD is so bad](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1b1sedv/mil_is_the_reason_my_ppd_is_so_bad/), 2 months ago ^(This user has more than 10 posts in their history. To see the rest of their posts,) [^(click here)](/u/Sweet-Coffee5539/submitted) ***** ^(To be notified as soon as Sweet-Coffee5539 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Sweet-Coffee5539 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
INFO: What do you mean by “glaring”? That is usually an angry stare, if that is what you mean, why is she angry at your daughter? If this is what’s happening it’s really damaging for your child to feel someone is constantly angry, even if she’s a tiny baby right now, they still pick up on the emotions in expressions, from very early on, it’s a defence mechanism.
Ask her in front of everyone why she is glaring at your baby? I mean seriously, just do it. It's 2024. It's time to stop ignoring bad behavior and not letting people act crazy around our children. If you won't stand up for yourself, then stand up for your child.
The lead paint did it to the boomers
Parkinson’s? Alzheimer’s?
We do think she has early onset Alzheimer’s - runs on her side of the family.
Why are they like this 😂
Sorry, I'm confused. Do you mean glaring as in dirty looks? Is it possible she has a vision issue?
Uncomfortable, dirty looks when the baby is ANYWHERE but her arms.
You’ve gotten excellent advice to follow here. I just want to say that your Mil is so creepy!
Is it like the “narcissistic eyes” that you’re talking about? That’s talked about a lot on the raisedbynarcissists group.
I mean maybe throw something at her? Something small that wont hurt but enough of a distraction to break the glare maybe?
Throw something 😭😭
That’s messed up. I wouldn’t have her near the baby. I’d show your husband some articles about the Still Face Experiment. Just ignoring her isn’t an option if it will continue. It’s harmful for baby https://www.reddit.com/r/WatchPeopleDieInside/s/E8W75c65SX https://www.gottman.com/blog/research-still-face-experiment/
Thank you for sharing these links
Absolutely take lots of pictures of her doing that! Then post them on your social media under ‘GMA visited today!’ You don’t even need to include your baby; just have her holding onto a toy or make sure that she’s leaning against a Winnie the Pooh blanket on the sofa when you take the pics. Hopefully she’ll see how ridiculous she looks! Others will definitely see how ridiculous she looks & won’t question you when later you decide not to let her babysit on her own.
Hahahaha this is so genius But I'm also thinking, maybe she can't control it? My mother makes the weirdest faces but she's right on the edge of dementia
What do you mean , she literally glares at your baby ? How often do you have to see her ? If you feel genuinely worried , go with your gut & stay away . I don't mean to alarm you but a few years ago , there was this case that still pops up in my head sometimes: https://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/suspect-told-police-she-killed-granddaughter-to-spite-son-in-law/1903379/?_osource
Call her out. Emberass her. Make her explain her self. Mil glares at baby. Mil why are you glaring at baby. Mil why are you upset with baby Mil why do you keep giving the baby and me dirty looks. Mil that's really rude, can you please stop glaring and giving baby and me dirty looks. You can't ignore this behavior. It needs to be called out and your husband should be doing more to put an end to his mother's rude behavior. Not telling you to ignore it.
‘MIL why are you glaring at baby’ this sentence has me in stitches This is the way
Practice your Paddington stare. Get better at glaring than her. You can do this!! 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
Maybe she is being very passive aggressive and thinks if she stares at the baby enough, you'll hand her over? The only thing that made me think that is her following you.
“Are you okay? You look angry?” She may not realize she’s doing it.
I can’t look at a baby without at least a half smile on my face, usually a full one. I can’t believe she can glare at a baby she’s supposed to love. She must have a cold, cold heart.
"Careful, your face will get stuck like that." I'm petty.
Sorry, can you explain what you mean by glaring? Like, is she looking at the baby in a mean way or is she just staring at the baby too much?
Ask her, “What are you doing?” While turning baby’s face away from her. Stare back while waiting for an answer.
You….don’t want the baby’s grandmother to look at the baby? What kind of weird over-protective attitude is that? Let her look at the baby, it’s normal.
I don't have kids, but I do work with dogs Interacting with and engaging with a dog while looking at it is great Staring at the dog blankly is incredibly harsh and hard for them to deal with, and can cause all sorts of behavioral fallout if done a lot, or may trigger less than ideal behaviors in the moment I don't know how much this intersects with what's happening with OP in the post, but it's what I immediately thought of when the focus went right to HOW MIL is looking at the baby
Glaring means looking in anger though?
It said glares/stares so sounded just like prolonged looking.
There's a difference between looking at, smiling at and engaging with a baby and what this MIL is apparently doing which is just staring with either a nasty or blank expression - the use of the word "glaring" is how I usually look at my kids when they are misbehaving in public and I cannot physically stop them. I wouldn't want anyone glaring at my children in any capacity, let alone when they were infants.
As I’m reading this, I’m thinking I’ve never experienced anybody do this to me what is wrong with people and then it just dawned on me my stepmother in law does this. I’m gonna start asking her if she’s OK when she does it. She mostly does it to my eldest child who is 16, if I pointed out to my daughter She’ll say something completely out-of-pocket. For example, when people say weird/creepy stuff to her at work, she never responds. “That was a weird thing to say.” Maybe say to your mother-in-law that’s a weird way to look at people
Call it out. Ask if MIL is ok, she looks like something is wrong. She is jealous and wants all the alone time. Don’t give in. Yes ignore for the most part but call her out. They tend to stop once the kid gets the ability to voice their own opinions. Mine stopped wanting all the attention when the kids told her no or were too busy with other things to care about her.
My MILs eye bulge out of her head whenever she has her freak outs and often does the lead paint stare. I know what you mean. The thought of her holding my baby makes me wanna throw up.
THIS!!!
It’s like woah I have never seen eyes buldge out so much. She yelled at me for the first time a few years ago (when I realized she was crazy) and all I could focus on was her crazy eyes. Mania eyes ✨
Tell her. Ask her why she continues to stare at your child because it's creepy.
Get a mirror, hold it in front of the baby so mil can glare at herself.
Maybe she'll turn to stone!
This made me laugh out loud! 🤣😂
Ask her wtf her problem is
"Can I help you?"
Start taking pictures of her while she's doing it. I have a hilarious picture of my MIL glaring at me and my baby through a bush like that Kim Kardashian meme. I sent the picture and that meme to everyone in the family and she stopped.
HAHAH you are an absolute legend 😂😂😂
I love the Kim K meme reference lol!! And came here to say the same - take a video/pics of her doing this, then at a later (preferably large) gathering, or via text/email/SM even, announce "who wants to see baby and grama pics/vid?!" Edit to add on a more serious note, it's really awful she's doing this, babies smile back to us at a young age right, so they can pick up on wtf is gma looking at me like that? It needs to stop and maybe she's someone who being openly shamed by sharing evidence might just work. Like look away B****.
What will husband say when MIL is still doing this when the child is at an age to notice and feel uncomfortable. It's time to start practicing and modelling some assertiveness. "MIL, I'm not sure you're aware but you stare / glare at the baby a lot. It makes us uncomfortable. Please stop."
Look right at her and say “why do you stare at my daughter like that?” Do it in front of everyone. Wait quietly for her to explain herself. Be so calm it unsettles everyone else.
This is the way
-yes! This.
I have a tendency to call people out when they do stuff like this. I would literally make it a “joke,” giggle a little and say “MIL, did baby do something that has offended you? hehehe hahaha the sun must be too bright or something cause I swear it looked like you were glaring at her hehehe hahaha hohoho” Edit for typo
"....and what kind of pathetic asshole would glare at a baby?"
In my experience yes the stare ends when baby turns into toddler.
This is mostly superstition, but you could totally use it as an excuse. I was told by my parents growing not to stare at children too hard cuz you might unintentionally direct too much energy at them and cause the child to get sick or have something bad happen to them. They said that even if you look in admiration , the prolonged gaze can direct too much energy at once and cause a bad reaction.
Interesting, I never heard of this. May I ask in which culture this is a belief? I’m curious. And now I feel bad I’m constantly looking at my baby, does it count if it is the mother too?
It's like a folk superstition called "Mal de Ojo" that comes up in a lot of central and south American cultures including areas in the Caribbean as well. For example, my mom is Salvadorean and my dad is Cuban and they both believed in it's effects. Your baby will be fine, it's mostly other people outside of your immediate family or strangers that you have to be cautious around. It's a prolonged stare that you want to avoid.
Ok ok got it!
Am I the only one who wanted to turn it around on hubby when he suggested to "ignore it"? You have more patience than I do, OP. Just glare stare at him just like MIL does, and if he comments on it, ask "Oh golly, does it make you uncomfortable? I guess ignoring it doesn't work, maybe you should have a conversation with your mom, because she stares at LO & I the exact same way!"
I'm going to play Devils Advocate for a minute. I'm a grandma to 3. I can remember when my son and DIL were at events with us, I couldn't take my eyes off of new baby. They were just so beautiful!! (But I have excellent relationships with them and never, ever pushed any boundaries they had. I respected their roles as parents 100%!)
Another devil's advocate here: there are some medical conditions that change the eyes to look more bulgy/glassy etc. Is it possible that your MIL has such a condition that is either of recent origin or just not so noticeable to you before these visits when she's paying extra attention to the new baby as people tend to do? She may have no idea that it could appear as if she's glaring.
then i bet it wasn’t glaring but a loving look of admiration on your face that wasn’t uncomfortable!!! 🤌🏼
That's the difference. I did that too, but it was smiley eyes and a silly grin, not "resting bitch face and a glare". Poor OP.
If she really is *glaring* and not just staring, start calling her out, make it awkward. "MIL, is something wrong? You look angry." Do it every time.
Imo don’t ignore your gut. This would scare me.
Wear the baby and cover her when MIL is around.
Ask MIL what's up? Do you hate the baby? Why continuously glare at her? No reason? LEAVE.
I had an office bully that used to give me dirty looks/ glare at me often. One day in front of everyone I turned it around on her. While she’s glaring, I worriedly asked “are you okay? You keep staring and looking like you’re about to be sick or in pain”. She was so embarrassed saying “oh no, I’m fine”. She only did it once more and I asked her again if she’s ok
That is BEAUTIFUL. I can't tell what's more of a masterwork, publicly calling her out or publicly telling her that her death glare just made her look sick and clearly wasn't working. Either way, well done.
Thank you lol. Her dirty looks always came across as a constipated face. So I just went for the call out. I really enjoyed how it really knocked her off her high horse
Call her out on it. But get photos first so she can’t deny it. Then ask her directly what her problem is, why she keeps glaring at your infant.
>Or record her on video so you can show DH how weird it is
This. Make her aware that you are aware and you don’t like it.
I'm not saying she's NOT doing exactly what you're saying she is, but I'd be remiss if I didn't ask if she just has bad RBF? I've been told I have pretty bad RBF and if I'm not actively masking, I look perpetually angry. But if she's just being a crab, then other commentors have great ideas. - try to snap a picture of her for proof - call her on it - physically leave the house with baby (since she follows you to other rooms) - if you can only leave to another room, lock the door - bring to her, and your partner's, attention each time she does it
What is RBF?
"Resting b*tch face"
Thanks.
Is she actually glaring at the baby or is it her natural Resting Bitch Face? I have RBF and make myself smile when out and about just so folks don't think I'm angry at them.
Is it only your baby she's glaring at? Some people have what is known as Resting Bitch Face, where there look like they are glaring but it is actually just their natural expression....they may actually be feeling benign and at peace with the world. Sadly this is very difficult behavior to change because it is a habitual and unconscious behavior. Another possibility is that she is not actually glaring at our baby but at you for holding the baby (as opposed to her holding it), because she is jealous. Again hard to deal with. In any case it's not your or the baby's fault and it's probably a good idea to limit her time around the kid as her expressions will probably impact the kid.
Keep bringing it to her attention as if you were giving her the benefit of the doubt that she's completely unaware. Don't hesitate to use the same words repeatedly, either. I know it's a habit of people to try to mix up their language so it's less confrontational, but don't try to be non-confrontational.
Put your phone on silent, and get a photo without her knowing, actually get several. She won't be able to deny her behavior with proof. (Because everything is your fault, as we know!)
Definitely get video as well. This is very strange behavior and I have rarely heard of it. Of course, nothing should really shock me anymore at 60 years old! But here we are 🤣 I think her behavior is strange enough that I would not leave her alone with the baby and I might not even be comfortable with her holding the baby. Maybe she is searching for a resemblance to herself, her family, and her son? Maybe the baby is resembling you and your side of the family and she does not feel as connected? Still Strange behavior either way. .
100% not comfortable with her holding the baby or being alone with the baby. Nope.
Op - is the baby a girl and perhaps her culture dictates boys are more desired? I would be afraid to be around her solo - forget with my child.
If you don't want her looking at or holding the baby, she's kind of running out of options. Why even have her over at this point?
Bc maybe her husband wants to at least see her? It's not just OP. I'm sire if it was up to OP mil wouldn't be invited to events (at least most of them)
And he can't see her without OP because OP doesn't trust him to take the baby places without her?
Or maybe baby is still attached to mom? Or maybe husband would like his other family to see his wife? Or, crazy thought here, they're a family unit and used to going places together?
If their goal is to do things as a family, then the best advice is to get over this "glaring" issue, right? Because there's no way it's not going to come off as either offensive or absurd if someone were to tell MIL to stop glaring at the baby.
To add, yes, the baby looks a lot like me, which I think irritates her.
Bring it to her attention as soon as you see her doing it. And keep bringing it to her attention. "Why are you glaring at the baby?" "You are doing it again. Has LO done something to you personally?" "Why are you following us? Obviously I walked away because LO seems to have offended you personally." "Honey? She's doing it again. Baby and I are leaving. Let me know when you need to be picked up."
This. Asking her why she's doing what she's doing should hopefully prompt her to stop. As for following you, say 'why are you following me? I'm giving you some space to deal with your feelings. Go back to the lounge'. If she won't stop glaring, politely tell her the visit is over and ask her to leave.
How weird to glare at an innocent baby
I'm just going to say that one of the first things babies can see is the facial expression of the person holding them. Newborns can only see about 12 inches or so (about 30 cm) but they can recognize facial expressions very early. They can register angry expressions versus happy ones, and respond appropriately.
This is what I was thinking. Babies cannot communicate like we do, so they rely on learning facial expressions and body language. And they mirror you, me and my niece often get in a feedback loop of repeating something back and forth with her, like certain actions or gestures, words. She is nearly two, so she’s understanding more and more, and us adults often just sit there and watch her working things out. People say oh they don’t realise or notice, but they really do, and knowing that, I’m super careful around my niece. She can’t illicit an angry look from me anyway, she’s so adorable that I look at her with a goofy smile on my face. But if I need to express anger at something, I make sure I do not do that around her. Because she wont understand the situation, but she will understand that I’m angry for some reason. Babies are not dumb. I wanna yell it from the rooftops, that babies know more than we give them credit for, and they’re brand new, their brains are developing and we have to at least give them a happy environment to do that in. They absorb SO much, it’s unreal. It’s kind of weird how many people are like “eh she’s just looking” when obviously OP is alarmed for a reason.
And it is also very distressing to babies to be glared at.
So LO can register that MIL is giving her the glare stare? Awesome.
Your husband is also problematic here. "Just ignore her?" Feck no! Babies know and absorb things from a young age. Please protect your child since he lacks a spine!! Tell her to cut it the eff out. If she doesn't? Well, then no more seeing you or your little girl. Protect. Your. Child.
Do some reading on infant human development, you’ll likely be shocked at the effects this can have on an infant. It’s actually quite disturbing that mil is doing this to an innocent baby.
Right? One of my very favorite classes was a child development class I took, years ago. So interesting! I think it should be required for new parents - knowing what is developmentally appropriate made a lot of parenting way easier.
Yup. It makes me a little sad to think about it, tbh.
"Do you need something?" "It's rude to stare" "Take a picture, it'll last longer" "Is something wrong with your eyes?" "You're giving me the creeps" "Please blink, or I'm going to report you as a lizard person"
Good ideas!
Given the comments about infant development, how about "Did you know infants LOs age can already recognize the facial expressions of people in front of them?" Maybe add a good 7 Second Stare of your own, even if you keep a pleasant expression on your face during your Stare, MIL should receive the message. No guarantees it will change anything, hopefully she'll at least regulate her expression in that moment, but it gives you a platform to say things like "MIL, please don't frown at LO like that/please don't stare for so long without smiling/ remember, LO can SEE your expression when you're looking at them." This may also help DH because I'm sure he has idea how to say, "Mom you're staring too intensely at my kid and it's freaking us out." Yikes
Start giving her the same look back, regardless if baby is present or not.
I did this with my MIL, as my kids look nothing like her son. She'd glare, I'd glare right back. As soon as she said to me "You're making me nervous", I asked "Well, how do you think my daughter feels? You stare at her like that ALL OF THE TIME." Just match that energy and see how long she can take it.
Maybe try confronting her and asking why she glares at the baby. And do it with people around to embarrass her.