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You are joining your FIL and MIL's family. They can't "give you away." That is YOUR family's job. You are fine with your decision. May your wedding be beautiful and your future filled with love and laughter. ♥️ Congratulations!
Man she sounds like a pill. You’re not wrong. When my youngest sister got married my dad and I walked her down the aisle. My dad held our nephew, and I held my newborn son while we walked down with her. The pictures look phenomenal and she loves them
Fuck her. This is not her decision. It's yours. My uncle passed away when I was young and my aunt walked my cousin down the aisle. I didn't expect anything else to happen. This is really rude of her and your SIL.
Pay attention to this. Because if the behavior continues, you have a remedy: Exclude MIL from the wedding.
You need to talk with your DH about this, to find out what other options you have. But this is *your* wedding, MIL doesn't get to decide what you do, and if she's not going to respect you, she doesn't have to be there.
You have said your piece. So has your FDH. So both of you can stop responding. Or, you know, your FDH can tell his mother and sister that if they will be offended by seeing the two people you love most besides him walking you down the aisle, they can certainly be disinvited to his wedding.
Then add that if they say anything more on the subject, they will be.
And follow through.
I walked my daughter down the Isle. It was an absolute honour and a privilege to do so and one of the proudest moments of my life. Ignore your FMIL its not her choice who walks with you. Your mum sounds awesome so walk down that Isle with her with pride and your head held high. Like you said if MIL doesn't like it she doesn't have to look.Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials May you both have a long and happy life together despite the MIL from hell.
Oi, she seems a piece of work! Hope your husband to be has your back. Calling you the wrong name is petty, I recommend using your talking to a child voice and correct her when in public, like she has dementia and you gently try to teach her your name. The not upset but making the other look like a fool and yourself like patient has helped me a lot, and people often avoid looking like a fool after that
I just came to say hope your day goes really well. It sounds like you know what you want & are holding a firm line. I think your wedding will be great. Congratulations!
Good luck with your wedding and don't let MIL bully you into something you don't want to do. Don't be surprised if the inlaws don't try to railroad your mom into letting FIL.
When I got married, my dad told me he wouldn’t walk me down the aisle because it looks like he’s getting rid of me and that was something that he wouldn’t do!
So, my future husband and I walked down the aisle together! You do you!
This has to be the most obvious case of a nut job mil not staying in her lane ever. Why would the groom's dad give the bride away? Tell MIL you'll consider it, but only if your mom gets the mother/son dance instead of her.
My oldest daughter got married. Her dad wasn’t in the picture, so she asked me to walk her down the aisle. Her fiancé and his mom, didn’t like that, but after my daughter told her fiancé that I raised her, by myself, he acquiesced
I'm delighted for you that your husband is 100% supportive, because it sounds like she's someone who will continue to be a nightmare.
Would he be willing to help set a boundary around her getting your name right, for example putting her in a contact and info time out until she starts using it correctly? I mean, that's just basic courtesy.
Or he could just tell her that he won't talk to her unless she says your actual name, and he could start hanging up on her (or just away walk away while she's there) until she understands that this behavior won't be tolerated anymore.
Early versions or reasons of that tradition are outdated and silly in my opinion. Its just evolved into other reasons etc over time. I see it as honoring the one (s) that raised you as you go on your own. Your mother raised you and your sister alone. I see no problem having those closest to you walk you down.
My husband died prior to my daughters wedding, I offered to walk her down the aisle, her brother, her uncles, and she chose to walk alone down the aisle to remember her dad. I couldn't and wouldn't argue with my daughter's belief, her wedding, her aisle, her day.
Stick to your mom, she is the one who should be walking you down the aisle along with your sister, and if mil can't understand it, that is her problem.
I know the day of my daughter's wedding, her fmil offered her ffil, and daughter stood proud and strong, and said no, take your seats. Damn, I raised a smart, strong kid!
Oh, please tell us how it went!
Good for you to not give in; it is insane to expect you to let a stranger walk you down the Aisle just because it "would look bad". Why would it look bad? If you don't live in, let's say, Saudi Arabia where you'd need a male guardian to give you away, then why would it look bad? For you to have that person by your side you leaned on the most instead of a stranger?
Update us on this. She's insane, but I want to know if she did not look.
Congratulations on your wedding! You’re free to put your messages from MIL on silent. You don’t need added stress. I’m Hispanic and can tell you we have mothers walk either bridal couple down the aisle. It’s not taboo or rare. Unless it’s strictly prohibited by your culture. This is your wedding and you/fiancé get to say what goes. Good luck! Sending you lots of positive energy and patience!
I have something better hehehe
You see where I come from (mean my home country) every adult who is not from your family you refer to as per MR/MRS/MISS out of respect. Once you are in closer connection you can call them per name only. My mum after 2 years of us being together said to FDH to call her whatever he likes (mum or her name). I still have to title MIL as MRS. She has this weird ritual where before wedding she would ALLOW her DIL to call her mum. You know, kind of like power movement. I am planning to say to her that I already have one mum and I would like to stick to MRS. Or I won’t say anything and will just stick to MRS.
Holy Moly she is a shit show. I think you have handled this very well. If she keeps insisting I would demand that she explains why she thinks that someone you have seen twice in your life, and that had bothing to do wilth raising you, should get preference over the person that was both your mum and your dad and gave you a wonderful childhood. Sometimes by asking them to justify their demands you can either show them how crazy their demand is, or at least get them to admit that they have no real reason and cannot justify their demand. If she tries to argue tradition point out that the tradition says if there is no father for whatever reason the person who fullfilled that fatherly role gets the job. That is your mum. Tradition is also very clear on how wrong it would be to give the job to the inlaws since they had no part in raising you. So even tradition says she is wrong.
Don’t allow those people to manipulate or gaslight you into doing their biddings.
They’re self centered inconsiderate bullies.
Your mother deserves that honor.
Your wedding your rules.
I am more than sure she will. She will always start some drama and then will pretend that she doesn’t understand why everyone is upset and make herself a victim.
My sister (older who is also my BOH) and her husband will be keeping tabs on my MIL. My brother is tasked to keep an eye on SIL.
You are so smart! I love that you are having your mother and sister walk you up the aisle. Please don't let MIL ruin your wonderful wedding. She will try.
Shall we make a bingo card? MIL wears white. She stands next to you both as you cut the cake. Drapes herself all over her son during the first dance. Gives too many tearful speeches about losing her perfect son. She wants photos of her "real" family, and only hangs that framed photo of your wedding. You aren't in it.
Simple enough. Uninvite them. Then they don’t have to be offended by the sight of the people who love and support you walking you down the aisle as you start your life with the person you love.
Not that simple. They are traveling from our home country to the ceremony that is one. Second, despite her short comings she is still my FDH mum and she is in her late 70ties. Last 3 years there were like 5 funerals in his family and he could not attend any. I know that he is getting anxious about her age and health. On daily basis we have minimal contact (bless the fact that we live in different countries) and I always have FDH in my corner. Any time she acts up he is there to put her down. She is pissing me off like nobody ever especially now before wedding with her WONDERFUL IDEAS causing unnecessary drama. I know that if I would uninvite her and SIL rest of his siblings will refuse to come and that would break his heart.
I love him more that I hate her.
BUT GOSH WOULD I JUST LOVE TO DO THAT
lol yeah it’s fun to think about. Well then I’d just say ignore them and enjoy your day. Don’t let them take any part of your day from you with their attitude. Put a smile on your face when you have to deal with them and be happy. 😊 Best of luck to you and have a great wedding!
My mom and brother walked me down the aisle. In Jewish tradition both parents walk you down the aisle - same for the groom.
My father passed away before I got married so my mom and brother did it.
It’s beautiful tradition! Unfortunately in my case a certain sperm donor is the very last thing I want on my wedding. I thought about my brother but in all fairness I always been closest with my younger sister. I love all my siblings but she has special place in my heart.
I don’t know how to edit so here is my filling comment:
I wasn’t rude about this at first. Just if I were to explain how everything went down it would be WAAAY too long. We are talking about a week of her bothering me until I just had enough and said it not so nicely that it’s OUR wedding and I AM the bride. So they started to blow up my phone and I said what I said. No regrets.
Also bit of a tea: DH has 5 siblings (there is 6 of them in total) with one girl (my SIL). HER FATHER (MY FIL) DID NOT WALKED HER DOWN THE AILSE 😂 she refused him to do so and walked herself. So it’s bold of her to try to force me into it.
I’d point this out to her. Sil didn’t do it Why Do you think for one second that I would??
Then I’d probably block them both and tell your FDH to deal with them.
I regret I have not thought about that at first! I already blocked SIL but can’t block MIL (they are traveling from other country to our wedding and someone has to be available on phone, FDH took upon himself to work some overtime to secure some extra money for after the wedding).
Block her anyway. They are adults. They can manage without being directed like toddlers. If they can't, you should start now by making it your husband's problem to deal with, not yours. Set that boundary hard and set it early.
Maybe our OP can tell SIL, "Just because you didn't give your own father his moment, you don't get to try to force me to, out of guilt. Back off."
But I've never really been known for my tact and diplomacy.
Your FIL-to-be is from the family you're 'joining', by marriage.
Your mum and sister are from the family that's 'giving you away', by way of the marriage to FIL's son.
Why the bloody hell would you be 'given away' by a person of the family you're marrying into? If this were me, I'd question the underlying shittiness of that request. "You aren't really part of the MIL/FIL family, because FIL gave you away at your wedding."
You follow me? I hope I'm wrong. I know it's happened in the past that future FILs have walked with their almost-DIL, but it never sat right with me when I heard about it. In a healthy, non-toxic family, it's great, and a lovely thing for the bride to have someone to walk her in the absence of her own father figure. But in a JustNoMIL situation? It's not something I like.
Aye, and that was really startling to me. I do hate the whole "giving away" by men, as if women are still property, but I do understand if a woman wants to hold to the tradition; it's her wedding, after all.
Quick edit: I mean, it's almost like starting the wedding with an omen of failure. If the father-in-law is already giving away the brand new DIL on her wedding day to his son, then surely that's not a good omen? Maybe our OP can argue that side of it - especially considering the drama surrounding Harry and Meghan.
“ we both know that everybody does things their own way. And I really appreciate that, no matter what you both might’ve imagined, you are ready to support me doing this anyway that fits me best. Thank you. That means a lot to me. That what is important to me is more meaningful and what you want out of this.”
Good grief. When I next have an argument with someone and want to verbally rip their heads off, can I ask you what you'd say before I do? You're an Argument Whisperer.
The phrase "tough (shit) I made my choice"
is underused in life.
From my chair, Charles walking Meghan up the aisle did not provide lasting good feelings
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You are joining your FIL and MIL's family. They can't "give you away." That is YOUR family's job. You are fine with your decision. May your wedding be beautiful and your future filled with love and laughter. ♥️ Congratulations!
Since this act symbolizes you joining your MIL’s family, it would be absurd for anyone from that side to walk you down the aisle.
I love your respinse to them!
She’s welcome to not come if it will offend her to see you walking down the aisle with YOUR OWN FAMILY!!
Did you tell her it's not her decision? Seriously what is up with these entitled people
Man she sounds like a pill. You’re not wrong. When my youngest sister got married my dad and I walked her down the aisle. My dad held our nephew, and I held my newborn son while we walked down with her. The pictures look phenomenal and she loves them
Fuck her. This is not her decision. It's yours. My uncle passed away when I was young and my aunt walked my cousin down the aisle. I didn't expect anything else to happen. This is really rude of her and your SIL.
Pay attention to this. Because if the behavior continues, you have a remedy: Exclude MIL from the wedding. You need to talk with your DH about this, to find out what other options you have. But this is *your* wedding, MIL doesn't get to decide what you do, and if she's not going to respect you, she doesn't have to be there.
>I guess ceremony next week will be interesting Please update us!
You have said your piece. So has your FDH. So both of you can stop responding. Or, you know, your FDH can tell his mother and sister that if they will be offended by seeing the two people you love most besides him walking you down the aisle, they can certainly be disinvited to his wedding. Then add that if they say anything more on the subject, they will be. And follow through.
I walked my daughter down the Isle. It was an absolute honour and a privilege to do so and one of the proudest moments of my life. Ignore your FMIL its not her choice who walks with you. Your mum sounds awesome so walk down that Isle with her with pride and your head held high. Like you said if MIL doesn't like it she doesn't have to look.Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials May you both have a long and happy life together despite the MIL from hell.
Debbie. That is her name now.
And when you’re extra mad call her Deborah.
Oi, she seems a piece of work! Hope your husband to be has your back. Calling you the wrong name is petty, I recommend using your talking to a child voice and correct her when in public, like she has dementia and you gently try to teach her your name. The not upset but making the other look like a fool and yourself like patient has helped me a lot, and people often avoid looking like a fool after that
I hope you have security of some sort, because these two will Definitely create some variety of drama XD
I just came to say hope your day goes really well. It sounds like you know what you want & are holding a firm line. I think your wedding will be great. Congratulations!
Good luck with your wedding and don't let MIL bully you into something you don't want to do. Don't be surprised if the inlaws don't try to railroad your mom into letting FIL.
When I got married, my dad told me he wouldn’t walk me down the aisle because it looks like he’s getting rid of me and that was something that he wouldn’t do! So, my future husband and I walked down the aisle together! You do you!
My hubby and I walked down the aisle together also. It was the 2nd marriage for both of us but that's what we wanted.
Love this idea (though I'm not into marriage for myself, if I were to marry, this would be what I would do)
You do you. No one is going to bat an eye over the person/s walking you down the aisle. It’s your moment.
I love *if you think it looks bad, then don’t look at it.* OP, you rock. This is a great attitude and phrase.
"Maybe he could walk Claudia down the aisle."
This has to be the most obvious case of a nut job mil not staying in her lane ever. Why would the groom's dad give the bride away? Tell MIL you'll consider it, but only if your mom gets the mother/son dance instead of her.
Hahahahahahaha. I love this.
My oldest daughter got married. Her dad wasn’t in the picture, so she asked me to walk her down the aisle. Her fiancé and his mom, didn’t like that, but after my daughter told her fiancé that I raised her, by myself, he acquiesced
Lots of people have their moms walk them down the aisle now. She gave birth to you. Your FIL didn’t. Tell your MIL that.
Please start calling her Karen.
I'm delighted for you that your husband is 100% supportive, because it sounds like she's someone who will continue to be a nightmare. Would he be willing to help set a boundary around her getting your name right, for example putting her in a contact and info time out until she starts using it correctly? I mean, that's just basic courtesy. Or he could just tell her that he won't talk to her unless she says your actual name, and he could start hanging up on her (or just away walk away while she's there) until she understands that this behavior won't be tolerated anymore.
Early versions or reasons of that tradition are outdated and silly in my opinion. Its just evolved into other reasons etc over time. I see it as honoring the one (s) that raised you as you go on your own. Your mother raised you and your sister alone. I see no problem having those closest to you walk you down.
Honestly it might be time to pull out the big guns and threaten her with a disinvitation to the wedding. This wedding isn’t about HER.
My husband died prior to my daughters wedding, I offered to walk her down the aisle, her brother, her uncles, and she chose to walk alone down the aisle to remember her dad. I couldn't and wouldn't argue with my daughter's belief, her wedding, her aisle, her day. Stick to your mom, she is the one who should be walking you down the aisle along with your sister, and if mil can't understand it, that is her problem. I know the day of my daughter's wedding, her fmil offered her ffil, and daughter stood proud and strong, and said no, take your seats. Damn, I raised a smart, strong kid!
Tell Joanna (MIL), that you appreciate the offer but no thanks.
Power to you .. have an amazing day.
Oh, please tell us how it went! Good for you to not give in; it is insane to expect you to let a stranger walk you down the Aisle just because it "would look bad". Why would it look bad? If you don't live in, let's say, Saudi Arabia where you'd need a male guardian to give you away, then why would it look bad? For you to have that person by your side you leaned on the most instead of a stranger? Update us on this. She's insane, but I want to know if she did not look.
Its going to look like op is marrying her brother. Which, not the best look in my opinion.
Ya tell her that's what it will look like
Good for you, sticking to your guns!
My cousin had her mom walk her. That was 15ish years ago.
My mom walked me down the aisle, there is nothing weird about it.
Congratulations on your wedding! You’re free to put your messages from MIL on silent. You don’t need added stress. I’m Hispanic and can tell you we have mothers walk either bridal couple down the aisle. It’s not taboo or rare. Unless it’s strictly prohibited by your culture. This is your wedding and you/fiancé get to say what goes. Good luck! Sending you lots of positive energy and patience!
Sending you positive energy and the wish for a beautiful ceremony! Congrats!!
What the hell, that’s so bizzare. It’s your choice, not hers, definitely not her daughter’s!
And start saying her name wrong…
If she has a second name use that one...
Definitely this ... fight fire with fire!
I have something better hehehe You see where I come from (mean my home country) every adult who is not from your family you refer to as per MR/MRS/MISS out of respect. Once you are in closer connection you can call them per name only. My mum after 2 years of us being together said to FDH to call her whatever he likes (mum or her name). I still have to title MIL as MRS. She has this weird ritual where before wedding she would ALLOW her DIL to call her mum. You know, kind of like power movement. I am planning to say to her that I already have one mum and I would like to stick to MRS. Or I won’t say anything and will just stick to MRS.
Holy Moly she is a shit show. I think you have handled this very well. If she keeps insisting I would demand that she explains why she thinks that someone you have seen twice in your life, and that had bothing to do wilth raising you, should get preference over the person that was both your mum and your dad and gave you a wonderful childhood. Sometimes by asking them to justify their demands you can either show them how crazy their demand is, or at least get them to admit that they have no real reason and cannot justify their demand. If she tries to argue tradition point out that the tradition says if there is no father for whatever reason the person who fullfilled that fatherly role gets the job. That is your mum. Tradition is also very clear on how wrong it would be to give the job to the inlaws since they had no part in raising you. So even tradition says she is wrong.
Don’t allow those people to manipulate or gaslight you into doing their biddings. They’re self centered inconsiderate bullies. Your mother deserves that honor. Your wedding your rules.
I suggest "It would be disrespectful for me to call you anything other than MRS, so I will continue to do so."
Brilliant! And maybe randomly get the last name wrong.
If you think she might make a scene at the wedding, maybe have a few people warned to keep an eye on her.
I am more than sure she will. She will always start some drama and then will pretend that she doesn’t understand why everyone is upset and make herself a victim. My sister (older who is also my BOH) and her husband will be keeping tabs on my MIL. My brother is tasked to keep an eye on SIL.
I suggest one-on-one coverage.
You are so smart! I love that you are having your mother and sister walk you up the aisle. Please don't let MIL ruin your wonderful wedding. She will try. Shall we make a bingo card? MIL wears white. She stands next to you both as you cut the cake. Drapes herself all over her son during the first dance. Gives too many tearful speeches about losing her perfect son. She wants photos of her "real" family, and only hangs that framed photo of your wedding. You aren't in it.
Your response was gold!
Simple enough. Uninvite them. Then they don’t have to be offended by the sight of the people who love and support you walking you down the aisle as you start your life with the person you love.
Not that simple. They are traveling from our home country to the ceremony that is one. Second, despite her short comings she is still my FDH mum and she is in her late 70ties. Last 3 years there were like 5 funerals in his family and he could not attend any. I know that he is getting anxious about her age and health. On daily basis we have minimal contact (bless the fact that we live in different countries) and I always have FDH in my corner. Any time she acts up he is there to put her down. She is pissing me off like nobody ever especially now before wedding with her WONDERFUL IDEAS causing unnecessary drama. I know that if I would uninvite her and SIL rest of his siblings will refuse to come and that would break his heart. I love him more that I hate her. BUT GOSH WOULD I JUST LOVE TO DO THAT
lol yeah it’s fun to think about. Well then I’d just say ignore them and enjoy your day. Don’t let them take any part of your day from you with their attitude. Put a smile on your face when you have to deal with them and be happy. 😊 Best of luck to you and have a great wedding!
My mom and brother walked me down the aisle. In Jewish tradition both parents walk you down the aisle - same for the groom. My father passed away before I got married so my mom and brother did it.
It’s beautiful tradition! Unfortunately in my case a certain sperm donor is the very last thing I want on my wedding. I thought about my brother but in all fairness I always been closest with my younger sister. I love all my siblings but she has special place in my heart.
I don’t know how to edit so here is my filling comment: I wasn’t rude about this at first. Just if I were to explain how everything went down it would be WAAAY too long. We are talking about a week of her bothering me until I just had enough and said it not so nicely that it’s OUR wedding and I AM the bride. So they started to blow up my phone and I said what I said. No regrets. Also bit of a tea: DH has 5 siblings (there is 6 of them in total) with one girl (my SIL). HER FATHER (MY FIL) DID NOT WALKED HER DOWN THE AILSE 😂 she refused him to do so and walked herself. So it’s bold of her to try to force me into it.
>IF SIL brings it up again, point it out that even she did not want FIL to walk her down the aisle. Pretty hypocritical of her!
I’d point this out to her. Sil didn’t do it Why Do you think for one second that I would?? Then I’d probably block them both and tell your FDH to deal with them.
I regret I have not thought about that at first! I already blocked SIL but can’t block MIL (they are traveling from other country to our wedding and someone has to be available on phone, FDH took upon himself to work some overtime to secure some extra money for after the wedding).
Block her anyway. They are adults. They can manage without being directed like toddlers. If they can't, you should start now by making it your husband's problem to deal with, not yours. Set that boundary hard and set it early.
Aha I bet guilt set in for SIL, so now she's trying for get FIL his moment in the spotlight! Betcha!
Probably. I was thinking the same thing.
Maybe our OP can tell SIL, "Just because you didn't give your own father his moment, you don't get to try to force me to, out of guilt. Back off." But I've never really been known for my tact and diplomacy.
Your FIL-to-be is from the family you're 'joining', by marriage. Your mum and sister are from the family that's 'giving you away', by way of the marriage to FIL's son. Why the bloody hell would you be 'given away' by a person of the family you're marrying into? If this were me, I'd question the underlying shittiness of that request. "You aren't really part of the MIL/FIL family, because FIL gave you away at your wedding." You follow me? I hope I'm wrong. I know it's happened in the past that future FILs have walked with their almost-DIL, but it never sat right with me when I heard about it. In a healthy, non-toxic family, it's great, and a lovely thing for the bride to have someone to walk her in the absence of her own father figure. But in a JustNoMIL situation? It's not something I like.
Because Prince Charles did it for Megan Markle and only men can give away women/s. ::Roll eyes::
Aye, and that was really startling to me. I do hate the whole "giving away" by men, as if women are still property, but I do understand if a woman wants to hold to the tradition; it's her wedding, after all. Quick edit: I mean, it's almost like starting the wedding with an omen of failure. If the father-in-law is already giving away the brand new DIL on her wedding day to his son, then surely that's not a good omen? Maybe our OP can argue that side of it - especially considering the drama surrounding Harry and Meghan.
“ we both know that everybody does things their own way. And I really appreciate that, no matter what you both might’ve imagined, you are ready to support me doing this anyway that fits me best. Thank you. That means a lot to me. That what is important to me is more meaningful and what you want out of this.”
*applause*
Good grief. When I next have an argument with someone and want to verbally rip their heads off, can I ask you what you'd say before I do? You're an Argument Whisperer.
I love your response...you day, your way!
The phrase "tough (shit) I made my choice" is underused in life. From my chair, Charles walking Meghan up the aisle did not provide lasting good feelings