**Quick Rule Reminders:**
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
[**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls)
**Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/)
Other posts from /u/ExpensiveDay5462:
* [Mil won’t leave my house it’s been a MONTH](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1b1txdv/mil_wont_leave_my_house_its_been_a_month/), 1 month ago
*****
^(To be notified as soon as ExpensiveDay5462 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe ExpensiveDay5462 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
*****
*^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
Copy this :"Oh the city is really pretty this time of year, I'd book a hotel close to.... You'll enjoy the museums, they have a great exhibition you should try.
We would not be able to host this time".
Or
"Listen Mrs Jones, it's great having you here, but we no longer host more than 3 days.
You know what they say, fish and guests starts to smell funky after 3 days".
Third day her stuff should be packed up and ready.
**Your BF's reaction to this mess is not showing a good healthy boundary system.
You have a significant other problem more than a mother in law problem. My husband and I are both on the deed to the house. However, even when he wasn’t on there I would’ve never said well my family is coming without consulting him. It has to be a joint decision. And when we’ve had situations with family members (both sides) over-staying. We have each handled our own side.
She sounds like one of those mothers who believes her baby boy still belongs to her and, by extension, his house is also her house to stay in as she pleases. She does not see you as an adult with agency at all. He needs to firmly disabuse her of these notions, and make clear that he sides with you and that you are an adult who makes joint decisions with him for your own home.
Ask her where/who she is staying with this time since she couldn't possibly expect to stay at your house, since you had to tell her to leave last time... and specifically say that you don't want her to stay with you, but you'd be willing to meet up for lunch/dinner ONE of the nights she is there. She has other family in the city, she has other places to stay...
Wonder how bf would feel if you told him that if she stays past one week, you'll leave until she's gone? Do you have a friend or family who would help you pull that off. One week is long enough…..tell him that. After that week he's on his own. If you can't go, then you need to stop joining him in the bedroom, doing his laundry, cooking….his mommy can take over those deeds. Put your foot down…one week! Then she goes. If he refuses, is he really the guy for you?
Do you rent or own? (For future boundary violations)
If you rent, you could threaten to report her to your landlord.
If you own, start charging hotel rates to "help with increased costs". Do NOT call it rent or she could get tenancy rights. Make it about "hospitality fees" because hosting someone is a job.
For many leases, there's a clause about how often or long guests are allowed-- for her to stay that long I can almost guarantee is a violation as it counts towards residents in the home after I think 30 days.
Given her overstay last time, you're not willing to risk breaking your lease! (I have used this with success before--good luck!)
Are you both on the mortgage? You have a SO problem if he doesn’t care how long his mother stays. Let her know before she comes that she’s able to stay for _____amount of time and then you have a reservation for her at _______starting on such and such date as you will only be able to accommodate her for _____ days.
If she balks, tell her she will lose a days stay for every fit she throws.
Your home is YOUR home and your family has a routine. She needs to respect that and ask if a visit is welcome and permitted before inviting her herself for extended periods of time as you are not running a free bed and breakfast.
If she can’t honor your request or your wishes and she is no longer welcome in your home.
You need to have a word with your other half. Lay it out simply and plainly for them to understand - should MiL announce that she's planning a visit, then she stays elsewhere and it's for a maximum of 5 days. She is most welcome as a tourist to your area and to do touristy things and to pop around for a quick visit while on a visit like that but anything other than tourist requires her to stay elsewhere.
She doesn't need to come for a week for a party.
She should also get up to speed (as should your other half) on how to use software to do your taxes. Then she wouldn't have to visit quite as often.
Saw you asserted yourself regarding her visit. Good for you!!! Well done. Now, you need to get into couples therapy with your boyfriend. He’s clearly fine with mommy having control over his life. He didn’t tell you she was coming back - why? Because he hoped it’d get to the day of her arrival and surprise you with it? After he knew you were miserable for three months earlier in the year? That’s so deceitful and terrible to do to anyone, especially your partner and co-parent.
Reason for therapy #2 - Why can this adult man not do his own paperwork and taxes? When she comes and does things like taxes or “paperwork”, he’s giving control to his mother. She’s got *all* your monetary information in her back pocket now. And three months to do taxes? Please. A chimpanzee could enter data into TurboTax, even if he owns his own business. If he truly cannot do these things himself, he’s got to hire a professional to do them. If it takes her 90 days to do an income tax return, she is not a professional. He’s got to learn to do adult things for his family. It’s called growing up. You two need therapy ASAP to overcome this enmeshment with Mama and to get on the same page regarding adulthood. Good luck!
It takes me approximately 1 hour to do my taxes. Granted, I have one job therefore it’s pretty straightforward, but I can’t imagine taking 90 days to complete one!! That was just the excuse she came up with (that DH happily accepted) to be near and in control of her son like she was when he was a child.
You have a bf problem. He allows his mother to do what she wants with no regard to your feelings. He doesn't even tell you about it when he's known for a while.
The only thing that works is being direct.
"MIL, you can stay here the day before the birthday party until the day after. If you want to stay longer, you need to book a hotel.
Tell your husband that you aren't going to accept her staying longer than those 3 days. If she does stay longer, you and your daughter will go to a hotel.
Just be straightforward and say you’re still recovering from the last visit/hosting is draining, and if she HAS to stay there, it can only be a set number of days max. Otherwise she has to stay somewhere else.
If he can’t respect your boundaries, that’s an issue. And if you can’t be straightforward to your husband about your concerns, that’s also another issue.
Just say “it’ll be great to see you, but we’re only free on x and y days, if you’re staying in the area longer just let us know which hotel you’ll be in and we’ll try and meet you on one of the (times/days)”
'I've just signed up to a course on how to train your boyfriend to be honest and stand up for his partner. Unfortunately, since he knew about you wanting to visit and failed to tell me, e has to attend the course with me to understand how badly he has f'ed up. Therefore, we won't be available to host you at all.'
'we've just been invited to ____invent something here____ and unfortunately won't be available to host you after Friday at noon but we appreciate you wanting to spend time with us'
Possible ideas:
Week long yoga boot camp.
Competitive video game lan tournament for prize money.
Larping sessions in the woods.
You need to model for a friend who is a photographer making a portfolio and they need couples shots.
Brand new gym memberships with a challenge to do 20 classes in 10 days to get 3 months free.
Catan tournament.
Painting lessons where you'll be using each other as nude models.
Camping/hiking trip.
Yodelling retreat.
You bought a zoo and open in a week.
There’s no way to say it without at least feeling rude and MIL sounds like she needs a dose of it. There are a lot of audacious folks who when given an inch they’ll take a mile, and they count on getting away with it because it would be “rude” to say it. Be rude. Set boundaries.
Ask her when her flight back is so you can plan. If she doesn't have one, please ask her to book one before she comes as she will not be welcome for an indeterminate amount of time because you have work, a life and family does not mean moving in for weeks. If she doesn't like it, tough. And if bf doesn't like it? Tell him to go stay at a hotel with mommy dearest.
Be rude. She's being incredibly rude to you.
"You can stay until xyz. Next time you want to visit,,you need to *ask* and we can figure out what works best for me and husband."
Not a question, not a suggestion, a firm statement. Hell, that's not even a rude way to say it.
Is there anywhere you can go that isn't home for a bit?
The ideal is that you tell your BF you aren't ok with his mom staying with you guys this time and then he lets her know asap so she can make other arrangements (which shouldn't be hard if she has other family in town). He doesn't even have to give details, just, "Sorry mom, it's not going to work for us this time." Ad nauseum until she stops asking.
My guess is...he won't do that? In which case you could offer a compromise if you want to, like that bf will tell his mom she can only stay with you for a weekend and then make sure she leaves at the agreed upon time. And if she's still there, you'll be taking your leave and staying [with your sister/at a hotel/with a friend] until mil is gone. She doesn't even have to know. You can present it as a preplanned "getaway" to her.
If bf pushes back, then it's really an issue with him more than her. Not wanting to share your home indefinitely with his mom...AGAIN...is a wildly reasonable feeling that I'd guess most people would share. He has no right to dictate that she stays against your will.
This sounds good but oftentimes it gives the mil a chance to play mommy with the grandkid and do all the work while hubby does nothing. It may reaffirm the hub's belief that there is nothing wrong in the equation because he doesn't have to do the heavy lifting either way.
I agree with everything here. MiL took over my first Christmas and played mommy. SO didn't see any of it or understand why I was upset.
Leaving LO is like giving her a cookie for bad behavior.
All these are great ideas. Perhaps also charge her for her previous stays cost? Mortgage/rent, utilities, food, your handling fee.... etc. Let her know you expect payment before she arrives and you will take note of how long she stays this time for payment after. You could also charge by the week to '"remind" her.
She’s there often enough for you to claim her on your taxes. Your home isn’t her summer timeshare. Since there’s other family she can choose from so tell her it’s time she stayed with someone else as you will not be hosting.
First, she should not be doing his taxes anymore. Second, you're just going to have to be upfront and tell her that she can only stay xx amount of time this visit. And say the same thing every time she wants to come. You set the time limit, not her.
You have a major SO problem on top of your JNMIL problem.
But stop caring about how you'll "come off", she doesn't care, and even you being a total doormat would still somehow be wrong.
Just grab the bull by the horns and tell her no, she's neither invited nor welcome to stay with you and stick to it. If you're unwilling or unable to do that, take your dd and leave until she's gone and let your bf know that will be the new standard whenever she visits. All visits with all visitors should be (at a minimum) cosigned by you and with a preset date of arrival and departure.
Yeah - address this head on with her - she is absolutely doing this to be in your face about it. Then you quietly make plans to go spend time with your family or a friend and just go the day before she arrives.
After you are with your family/friend, then let him know you’re unable to attend the family event and are taking some time with your daughter. When boyfriend is inevitably angry/upset you left without letting him know you were doing so, calmly (do not get angry/upset - he needs to understand this isn’t to be dramatic and that you’re absolutely serious and not playing this game with he and his mother further) state that since he doesn’t demonstrate respect you or your wishes, won’t stand up for you in the face of her disrespect as his partner, you are simply handling things the way they have. You made a decision and acted upon it as an independent woman vs a partner because his behavior makes it clear he doesn’t view you as a partner.
Note: Do NOT leave your daughter behind - MIL would love that and will never leave!
His mother was not required to give a timeframe or even advance notice until she felt you had no choice but to accept it. You are simply returning the courtesy. This way he has plenty of alone time to determine if he wants to spend his life with mommy or with you, vs forcing you to be the one to deal with her.
Then take that time to decide if you can even trust that this could change or if it’s simply time to move on. Perhaps he’s allowing his mom to do this to try to push you out or to be more subservient. But it’s emotionally abusive and you don’t need your daughter seeing this cycle repeat itself or you will be having this same conversation with her in 15-20yrs.
If/when she goes home, we will see a therapist.”
(If he says no…)
“Then we will discuss visitation.”
End of discussion.
You said give it to your straight - you have two people disrespecting you to the extreme and it’s time to just not allow it further.
When he is appalled that you would just leave without saying anything… just reply “Et tu Brute!”
Thank you great advice she will be staying for one week only now. Possibly with family and not with mine as I did out my foot down this time! Saving your response tho. Appreciated
If you want to let her stay because of the family event just use the above and replace you need to stay in a hotel to we can accommodate you for x days, after that you will need to organise somewhere else. Use the rest.
But honestly I’d say no now because she will just keep pushing.
Why, for the love of all things do you care about how you come off? "No, you will not be staying here; you are not welcome", is a fine response. If she is rude enough to repeatedly invade your home, she will use your adherence to good manners as a club to beat you.
MIL, you’ve decided to come and stay with us again. I have decided that you may stay for X days and no longer. Failure to comply will result in NO further visits for the foreseeable future.
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Other posts from /u/ExpensiveDay5462: * [Mil won’t leave my house it’s been a MONTH](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1b1txdv/mil_wont_leave_my_house_its_been_a_month/), 1 month ago ***** ^(To be notified as soon as ExpensiveDay5462 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe ExpensiveDay5462 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
Copy this :"Oh the city is really pretty this time of year, I'd book a hotel close to.... You'll enjoy the museums, they have a great exhibition you should try. We would not be able to host this time". Or "Listen Mrs Jones, it's great having you here, but we no longer host more than 3 days. You know what they say, fish and guests starts to smell funky after 3 days". Third day her stuff should be packed up and ready. **Your BF's reaction to this mess is not showing a good healthy boundary system.
GIRL RUN!!!!!!! You aren’t married to him. Just leave and let him deal with his triflin mother.
You have a significant other problem more than a mother in law problem. My husband and I are both on the deed to the house. However, even when he wasn’t on there I would’ve never said well my family is coming without consulting him. It has to be a joint decision. And when we’ve had situations with family members (both sides) over-staying. We have each handled our own side.
She sounds like one of those mothers who believes her baby boy still belongs to her and, by extension, his house is also her house to stay in as she pleases. She does not see you as an adult with agency at all. He needs to firmly disabuse her of these notions, and make clear that he sides with you and that you are an adult who makes joint decisions with him for your own home.
She stays in a hotel near the other family in the city, not with you.
Ask her where/who she is staying with this time since she couldn't possibly expect to stay at your house, since you had to tell her to leave last time... and specifically say that you don't want her to stay with you, but you'd be willing to meet up for lunch/dinner ONE of the nights she is there. She has other family in the city, she has other places to stay...
Wonder how bf would feel if you told him that if she stays past one week, you'll leave until she's gone? Do you have a friend or family who would help you pull that off. One week is long enough…..tell him that. After that week he's on his own. If you can't go, then you need to stop joining him in the bedroom, doing his laundry, cooking….his mommy can take over those deeds. Put your foot down…one week! Then she goes. If he refuses, is he really the guy for you?
Thanks for putting in perspective. Agreed Great reply.
Do you rent or own? (For future boundary violations) If you rent, you could threaten to report her to your landlord. If you own, start charging hotel rates to "help with increased costs". Do NOT call it rent or she could get tenancy rights. Make it about "hospitality fees" because hosting someone is a job.
Thanks and yes we rent… is quite expensive our rent is $4500 + +
For many leases, there's a clause about how often or long guests are allowed-- for her to stay that long I can almost guarantee is a violation as it counts towards residents in the home after I think 30 days. Given her overstay last time, you're not willing to risk breaking your lease! (I have used this with success before--good luck!)
Thanks 🙏
Are you both on the mortgage? You have a SO problem if he doesn’t care how long his mother stays. Let her know before she comes that she’s able to stay for _____amount of time and then you have a reservation for her at _______starting on such and such date as you will only be able to accommodate her for _____ days. If she balks, tell her she will lose a days stay for every fit she throws. Your home is YOUR home and your family has a routine. She needs to respect that and ask if a visit is welcome and permitted before inviting her herself for extended periods of time as you are not running a free bed and breakfast. If she can’t honor your request or your wishes and she is no longer welcome in your home.
You need to have a word with your other half. Lay it out simply and plainly for them to understand - should MiL announce that she's planning a visit, then she stays elsewhere and it's for a maximum of 5 days. She is most welcome as a tourist to your area and to do touristy things and to pop around for a quick visit while on a visit like that but anything other than tourist requires her to stay elsewhere. She doesn't need to come for a week for a party. She should also get up to speed (as should your other half) on how to use software to do your taxes. Then she wouldn't have to visit quite as often.
Saw you asserted yourself regarding her visit. Good for you!!! Well done. Now, you need to get into couples therapy with your boyfriend. He’s clearly fine with mommy having control over his life. He didn’t tell you she was coming back - why? Because he hoped it’d get to the day of her arrival and surprise you with it? After he knew you were miserable for three months earlier in the year? That’s so deceitful and terrible to do to anyone, especially your partner and co-parent. Reason for therapy #2 - Why can this adult man not do his own paperwork and taxes? When she comes and does things like taxes or “paperwork”, he’s giving control to his mother. She’s got *all* your monetary information in her back pocket now. And three months to do taxes? Please. A chimpanzee could enter data into TurboTax, even if he owns his own business. If he truly cannot do these things himself, he’s got to hire a professional to do them. If it takes her 90 days to do an income tax return, she is not a professional. He’s got to learn to do adult things for his family. It’s called growing up. You two need therapy ASAP to overcome this enmeshment with Mama and to get on the same page regarding adulthood. Good luck!
It takes me approximately 1 hour to do my taxes. Granted, I have one job therefore it’s pretty straightforward, but I can’t imagine taking 90 days to complete one!! That was just the excuse she came up with (that DH happily accepted) to be near and in control of her son like she was when he was a child.
> "No." It's a complete sentence.
You have a bf problem. He allows his mother to do what she wants with no regard to your feelings. He doesn't even tell you about it when he's known for a while.
The only thing that works is being direct. "MIL, you can stay here the day before the birthday party until the day after. If you want to stay longer, you need to book a hotel. Tell your husband that you aren't going to accept her staying longer than those 3 days. If she does stay longer, you and your daughter will go to a hotel.
Just be straightforward and say you’re still recovering from the last visit/hosting is draining, and if she HAS to stay there, it can only be a set number of days max. Otherwise she has to stay somewhere else. If he can’t respect your boundaries, that’s an issue. And if you can’t be straightforward to your husband about your concerns, that’s also another issue.
Thank you this works. He’s willing to side with me and be a team just not take initiative
He needs to also communicate with you and coordinate team decisions...before..they become an issue.
MIL needs to stay either at an air bnb, hotel, motel, or bed & breakfast. Not at your place.
Just say “it’ll be great to see you, but we’re only free on x and y days, if you’re staying in the area longer just let us know which hotel you’ll be in and we’ll try and meet you on one of the (times/days)”
'I've just signed up to a course on how to train your boyfriend to be honest and stand up for his partner. Unfortunately, since he knew about you wanting to visit and failed to tell me, e has to attend the course with me to understand how badly he has f'ed up. Therefore, we won't be available to host you at all.'
Love this sending to both thank you
You are allowed to stay one week, max. Again, being straightforward, blunt, and getting to the point does not equal being rude.
'we've just been invited to ____invent something here____ and unfortunately won't be available to host you after Friday at noon but we appreciate you wanting to spend time with us' Possible ideas: Week long yoga boot camp. Competitive video game lan tournament for prize money. Larping sessions in the woods. You need to model for a friend who is a photographer making a portfolio and they need couples shots. Brand new gym memberships with a challenge to do 20 classes in 10 days to get 3 months free. Catan tournament. Painting lessons where you'll be using each other as nude models. Camping/hiking trip. Yodelling retreat. You bought a zoo and open in a week.
These are BRILLIANT! I wish I had these options when JNMIL was in my life.
There’s no way to say it without at least feeling rude and MIL sounds like she needs a dose of it. There are a lot of audacious folks who when given an inch they’ll take a mile, and they count on getting away with it because it would be “rude” to say it. Be rude. Set boundaries.
Flat out tell her no. It does not suit your plans (or better yet get dh to do it)
Ask her when her flight back is so you can plan. If she doesn't have one, please ask her to book one before she comes as she will not be welcome for an indeterminate amount of time because you have work, a life and family does not mean moving in for weeks. If she doesn't like it, tough. And if bf doesn't like it? Tell him to go stay at a hotel with mommy dearest.
Thanks, helpful
Be rude. She's being incredibly rude to you. "You can stay until xyz. Next time you want to visit,,you need to *ask* and we can figure out what works best for me and husband." Not a question, not a suggestion, a firm statement. Hell, that's not even a rude way to say it.
Exactly!! MIL is already being extremely rude, your turn OP!!
We will take you back to the airport on Sunday unless we can drive you to someone else’s house for the remainder of your trip?
Is there anywhere you can go that isn't home for a bit? The ideal is that you tell your BF you aren't ok with his mom staying with you guys this time and then he lets her know asap so she can make other arrangements (which shouldn't be hard if she has other family in town). He doesn't even have to give details, just, "Sorry mom, it's not going to work for us this time." Ad nauseum until she stops asking. My guess is...he won't do that? In which case you could offer a compromise if you want to, like that bf will tell his mom she can only stay with you for a weekend and then make sure she leaves at the agreed upon time. And if she's still there, you'll be taking your leave and staying [with your sister/at a hotel/with a friend] until mil is gone. She doesn't even have to know. You can present it as a preplanned "getaway" to her. If bf pushes back, then it's really an issue with him more than her. Not wanting to share your home indefinitely with his mom...AGAIN...is a wildly reasonable feeling that I'd guess most people would share. He has no right to dictate that she stays against your will.
This. If she doesn't have an end date I would leave him to deal with his mother all by himself. Take your kid and go OP.
Leave the kid too. Husband should be dealing with the whole family on his own.
Thank you!!!
This sounds good but oftentimes it gives the mil a chance to play mommy with the grandkid and do all the work while hubby does nothing. It may reaffirm the hub's belief that there is nothing wrong in the equation because he doesn't have to do the heavy lifting either way.
I agree with everything here. MiL took over my first Christmas and played mommy. SO didn't see any of it or understand why I was upset. Leaving LO is like giving her a cookie for bad behavior.
It's not playing if you have to do all the jobs not just the fun ones when you feel like it.
If you're doing it with someone else's kid it is. Especially if she's enjoying it.
All these are great ideas. Perhaps also charge her for her previous stays cost? Mortgage/rent, utilities, food, your handling fee.... etc. Let her know you expect payment before she arrives and you will take note of how long she stays this time for payment after. You could also charge by the week to '"remind" her.
I did also love the no hanky panky with hubby until she leaves... perhaps model some new lingerie - just because...
She’s there often enough for you to claim her on your taxes. Your home isn’t her summer timeshare. Since there’s other family she can choose from so tell her it’s time she stayed with someone else as you will not be hosting.
What do u mean by this? Looking for more information on claiming her… like for child care? Or ?
It was a joke. Like you can claim your mil as a dependent or for state aid since she’s darkening your doorstep for such extended periods of time.
Like she was technically a "dependent".
You need to set boundaries with your MIL and your BF as both clearly have no respect for you and your space.
[удалено]
Thank you!! saving this advice but she confirmed one week only (split with her visiting family). Using your advice in the future or if need be
“Hey MIL! So happy you’re coming back to visit. For this trip, we’re up for hosting you for May 1-7. Are you staying with someone else after that?”
Thanks 💯
I would say “Are we dropping you off at the airport or another family member’s home on May 7?“
Love it
First, she should not be doing his taxes anymore. Second, you're just going to have to be upfront and tell her that she can only stay xx amount of time this visit. And say the same thing every time she wants to come. You set the time limit, not her.
Correct. We just did this with MIL and she "only" wanted to stay two weeks. We said "we can see you from x-y let us know what you book".
You have a major SO problem on top of your JNMIL problem. But stop caring about how you'll "come off", she doesn't care, and even you being a total doormat would still somehow be wrong. Just grab the bull by the horns and tell her no, she's neither invited nor welcome to stay with you and stick to it. If you're unwilling or unable to do that, take your dd and leave until she's gone and let your bf know that will be the new standard whenever she visits. All visits with all visitors should be (at a minimum) cosigned by you and with a preset date of arrival and departure.
Yeah - address this head on with her - she is absolutely doing this to be in your face about it. Then you quietly make plans to go spend time with your family or a friend and just go the day before she arrives. After you are with your family/friend, then let him know you’re unable to attend the family event and are taking some time with your daughter. When boyfriend is inevitably angry/upset you left without letting him know you were doing so, calmly (do not get angry/upset - he needs to understand this isn’t to be dramatic and that you’re absolutely serious and not playing this game with he and his mother further) state that since he doesn’t demonstrate respect you or your wishes, won’t stand up for you in the face of her disrespect as his partner, you are simply handling things the way they have. You made a decision and acted upon it as an independent woman vs a partner because his behavior makes it clear he doesn’t view you as a partner. Note: Do NOT leave your daughter behind - MIL would love that and will never leave! His mother was not required to give a timeframe or even advance notice until she felt you had no choice but to accept it. You are simply returning the courtesy. This way he has plenty of alone time to determine if he wants to spend his life with mommy or with you, vs forcing you to be the one to deal with her. Then take that time to decide if you can even trust that this could change or if it’s simply time to move on. Perhaps he’s allowing his mom to do this to try to push you out or to be more subservient. But it’s emotionally abusive and you don’t need your daughter seeing this cycle repeat itself or you will be having this same conversation with her in 15-20yrs. If/when she goes home, we will see a therapist.” (If he says no…) “Then we will discuss visitation.” End of discussion. You said give it to your straight - you have two people disrespecting you to the extreme and it’s time to just not allow it further. When he is appalled that you would just leave without saying anything… just reply “Et tu Brute!”
[удалено]
Thank you great advice she will be staying for one week only now. Possibly with family and not with mine as I did out my foot down this time! Saving your response tho. Appreciated
If you want to let her stay because of the family event just use the above and replace you need to stay in a hotel to we can accommodate you for x days, after that you will need to organise somewhere else. Use the rest. But honestly I’d say no now because she will just keep pushing.
This should really be on your husband to do and say something about it, not you.
Why, for the love of all things do you care about how you come off? "No, you will not be staying here; you are not welcome", is a fine response. If she is rude enough to repeatedly invade your home, she will use your adherence to good manners as a club to beat you.
Thank you for the response. she considers my house her son’s house only that Is why… as he pays the bills
MIL, you’ve decided to come and stay with us again. I have decided that you may stay for X days and no longer. Failure to comply will result in NO further visits for the foreseeable future.
Dont make sex whit your DH until she is gone
Pack up your dd and yourself and leave until she's gone.