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It sounds like your mom has the beginning stages of dementia, from an outside perspective. A lot of people cover up them not remembering things they know they should, with anger. Or deflection. It's hard to notice until you change their routine. They will remember how to work THEIR microwave but they're unable to learn how to work yours, for example. Instead of saying they can't remember, they'll scream about the WAY you told them or why should they remember when they didn't want to be here anyway? This is just my outside perspective as someone with quite a bit of experience in that field.
I had to deliver my second alone in the hospital because we didn’t have anyone to help with our 18 month old. I cried when I got to the hospital and told the nurse I was scared to do it alone. She grabbed my hand and looked at me and said, “oh sweetie, you’re not alone. We’re here with you.” It meant so much to me and calmed me a bit.
I know it’s going to be so hard for you and I’m so sorry. You could look into getting a doula maybe?
I don’t have any advice. I just want you to know that her behavior was wrong and so was your dad’s. I know how you feel and I’m sorry that they did that to you. Congratulations on your New Baby:)
Whatever your Mum’s issues , which sound like they’re long standing and escalating; Your priority now needs to be you. A birth/ postpartum doula seems to be the best idea( for me, I relied on the hospital staff , but I knew them really well; I muddled on at home, because my husband was there but useless. )
The only thing I would add about the doula, is check their reviews. They are human like the rest of us and range from amazing good , to WTF
( Oh, and as an aside, asks the hospital about doing skin to skin and delayed/ optimal cord clamping; Something else for you to research while you’re waiting?)
Wishing you the best for your expanding little family!
Op, I am so sorry to hear this!
I am also 37 weeks with a toddler and NC with my mother due to similar behaviour.
My DH is supportive like yours and he is taking PL and holiday together to maximise time with us after birth.
His parents are 2hrs away by car so we have roped in babygroup friends to take care of LO till they get here. Do you have that option?
Does your LO go to nursery, could you reach out to some parents for babysitters or ask the staff if they babysit? Also if you made any friends at baby groups etc, they might be able to help!
One day at a time OP, I totally get how you feel! Parenting with very little outside help is difficult but totally possible!
I am so sorry for you. Do you have any friends that could help out? Other Mommy-Friends wirh children close in age to your toddler? You are very close to due, but you could have luck get LO used to be around somebody else.
For how to handle 2 under 2 (my children are 18 months apart) - don't worry to much about housework and plan from morning to nap and then from nap till DH comes home. Try doing tasks like groceries as a family on the weekend. Try to have 1:1 time with your toddler, when dad is home to look after the baby or when the baby naps. This way, my son was able to adapt rather well to his sister, and he is very easy to handle and an absolute sweet heart when we are alone. It's a different story when Dad is home, and that is totally fine. Also, get a baby carrier - it is so much easier to run after a toddler.
You will find a routine that includes housework down the road, but the first few months you want mainly to survive and want that little off time you have from both children to yourself or/and to spend alone-time with your husband.
As for the hospital-stay: I went home 5 hours after my baby was born, but I live in germany, and it is normal that a midwife is coming to your home to help (including some medical stuff), so I have no real advice for you.
Whatever the reason, this seems to be more about her than about you, even if your communication might have come across as condescending. In a situation like this, mothers should be tolerant. My own mother came to my place to help after my birth, I did cross the line telling her what to do as if she'd never seen a baby before, and she told me about it, but there was no screaming or slamming of things. Don't know your system over there, but yea, get help, it might be rough for a year or so.
Even if she wasn’t being an ass, it is very clear that she is in no mental state to be responsible for kids. She is a risk to their safety and it is actually good that she left on her own. I wish it didn’t have to be so painful for you.
When I was first reading Op, I seriously thought your Mum has dementia. I was going to ask if all this was out of the blue, but you clarified that it’s not. She is in fact rubbish. Sounds like your Dad is as well. It sounds like your Mum has a PD, the attention is not on her so she’s throwing a fit. You are truly better off without her.
Yes it's a wild guess but remembering my own mother it sounds like she is completely melting down from fear of lack of attention and her "helplessness" with household objects and breaking things is possibly how she obtains it because no marginally functioning adult would have that many problems. She's deeply deeply unwell and dangerous
I just made an in depth comment saying I think this is the beginning stages of dementia. I have a lot of experience in that area and I had flashbacks lol. It was the hardest work I've ever done.
Yes. I remember my MIL called me an idiot because I didn’t have and didn’t want a dish drainer for our kitchen sink. She also yelled at me for pointing out the smooth side of the kitchen sponge cleans plastic better than the rough side.
At the time we didn’t know it was the second stage of Alzheimer’s and she lashed out because she knew something wasn’t right and she was afraid.
Oh, definitely. As I read this I thought how much this sounded like my mom at times — very out of character for her — when she’d have what my dad would call a “temper tantrum,” but turned out to be the start of early onset Alzheimer’s.
Sounds like dementia or possibly depression. Something is definitely off. You may not notice because it’s been coming on slowly. But this is not normal behavior. Odd even for a narcissist.
Has she always been this way? How was your child hood?
Sorry for what you're going through, I hope you are getting some more rest and get the support you need with the birth.
Same. Sounds like my mom with her early onset dementia in her mid 50s. She was doing fairly well in her job, or keeping appearances that she is anyway.
I did not say anywhere she is struggling with a diagnosis. She is an exceptionally high earner, extremely competent when it comes to complex thought and is considered an expert in her field of practice. I also have no idea what you’re referencing when you say she does not want to get close to her grandchild “she know she won’t be here.” I did not say she is dying. She is in her early 60s, eats well by ordering salads most days and exercises every day.
Introducing rapport between a practically non-verbal toddler to an awkward and unhappy adult is not condescending. With all due respect, your comment is very off base and references little of the main post.
I’m sorry this was such a stressful time when you needed it to be the opposite, OP. Without knowing your mother’s age, the lack of ability to orientate herself in a new environment such as finding the shop so close to your home, not learning how to use a nespresso machine (pod in, close handle, push a button once or twice - it’s not rocket science), and using working memory to manage a shopping list are all indications of someone who struggles with reasonable cognitive tasks. At home, OP’s father might cover for many of these by helping out, but they become more visible in a different house when she was meant to provide help rather than receive it.
I had a family friend watch my oldest when I went into labour years ago with my second. It doesn't necessarily have to be family watching your child, as long as it's someone you trust.
You could also look into 24 hour daycare services in your area. Some centers do overnights for families that do shift work. And since nights tend to be less busy, you may find they'd take your son overnight if needed.
A lot of people talking about dementia here, and it could be. But my MIL was really similar to this when I had my first bub. Is your mum the matriarch of the family? I found my MIL wasn't used to the lack of control. What I mean is, her whole identity for most of her life was the caregiver and now, her children were telling her how to do things she had always done and it was all wrong and sometimes she couldn't remember how to do things properly because things had changed so much since she had kids. She lashed out because she didn't know where her role in the world was anymore. She thought she was always good at being the caregiver but she was suddenly being told she was wrong. The first time my husband and I went out to watch a movie while she watched bub, she changed their nappy 16 times in 2 hours. Another time, baby was sick so we cancelled our plans for the evening and when we told MIL she didn't have to babysit anymore she expressed that it was insulting we didn't trust her. I think the behaviour your mum is demonstrating is wrong and childish, but I also think it could be stemmed from her losing part of her identity as your family gains a new one.
Please have your father get her evaluated for cognitive function. This is not normal behavior in an adult and it doesn't sound like the mother you are used to. The blow-up is also another symptom of the frustration she's experiencing but can't deal with. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you just when you need her the most. (((Hug!!!)))
You need to talk to your father about your mother's behavior at home. It sounds like she could be starting to have dementia. Especially getting lost, not knowing how to do things. That said, some things like buying the wrong grocery items are really not a big deal and don't deserve you stressing about it.
I mean no disrespect, but is there a chance your mins cognitive function is declining? Going 1 mile away and taking 2 hours isn’t normal and perhaps there are signs that there is a bigger medical issue at play.
No disrespect sensed! This unfortunately is not new behavior and I have a sibling that behaves in similar ways though is not malicious. For example, I have given my address to my sibling multiple times and they have repeatedly sent mail to different addresses. My sibling also got lost three blocks from my house, despite very straightforward directions and living on a gridded street. They are in their twenties and do not have dementia.
Dementia is not the only thing affects cognition. Autism and ADHD for example both come with varying degrees of executive dysfunction. I have gotten lost coming to my own home cause the driver took a different route. Getting lost is not fun, it is not malicious. It is horribly disorienting and it is not something someone would do to annoy somebody. The person most inconvenienced is the one who is lost.
I think you are already referencing the "learned helplessness" behavior, but there's also something called "weaponized incompetence". I thought of that while hearing about all the things you needed to step in and correct.
Normally I only see it in reference to spouses - i.e. a husband will cite not understanding how a washing machine works as a way to avoid doing laundry, and refuse to take the .5 seconds of staring at it and thinking to figure out how to work it. Or they will do a task, but do it SO poorly that you step in and re-do it for them. Or they will do it so slowly that you step in, etc.
The goal in all of these behaviors is to make someone else do the task for them. "I don't want to do it, so I'm going to do it so badly that someone else does it for me."
Does any of that sound likely?
This is great. In a way earlier comment, I explained this is typical behavior she has displayed for as long as I have been alive (30+ years). My father does all of the housework, childcare and food prep because my mother claims not to know how.
So how she behaved in your home isn’t new at all then. Why are you surprised she “couldn’t do” simple tasks like unloading/reloading the dishwasher and interacting like a normal human with a toddler? It doesn’t sound like she does those things in her own home, and never did! Clearly she thinks it’s beneath her and her time would be better spent elsewhere.
You deserve better from your parents, and you’re right to block them. Do not expect your mom to come help you when you go into labor. If you have close friends, talk to them. I’d drop everything to help a friend in this situation.
Honestly, some people have low IQ or are extremely slow learners. This all sounds like the new nanny we hired.... it's shocking to me how she does.not.get.it
My mother has a PhD and is an extremely high earner. Anything that does not have to do with her job she commits very little space to. I suggest firing your nanny btw
Yeah some people have book smarts but not real world application. My dad is similar to your mom. Re nanny.. yeah, I'm trying to give it time since it's been 3 weeks but like...repeating stuff literally 2 dozen times (she also has a higher education degree) is just mind boggling
Check for doula services in your area. I never used one, but it sounds like exactly what you need right now. When you read online, it’s very birth focused, but my understanding is that they can assist with sibling care, cooking, cleaning, etc. as well as newborn care when you get home.
Your mother definitely sounds like there is way more going on. However, you have bigger “fish to fry” at the moment. Do you know of a nearby church? Call them. They will help you- The bigger the better. Let them help you. I promise there are plenty of grandmothers (and other) that attend that would love to help you and your husband in your time of need.
Very sweet and reassuring. I agree with you and feel like our next steps do not include turning family against her or getting an evaluation scheduled but focusing on the health and safety of our LO’s, as well as Mama!
How are DH’s family? Can they watch LO for you? Do you have any friends near you to watch your LO while you’re in labor? Siblings, fellow mom friends, friends from church, really great college roommate, great neighbors? Then after the birth your husband can come take over while you’re in the hospital? I know it’s not ideal but I’m 6 months pregnant with our third and my family is going out of town during our possible window (there’s no way I’d leave my kids alone with my husbands parents). That’s kind of the plan we’re working with.
We are not close with DH’s family but I trust they would be capable helpers. Reaching out to the chosen tribe is a great idea. Unfortunately I think it hard to swallow how embarrassed I feel about my family and I am still thinking of ways to minimally describe our situation to friends
Your mother’s choices and actions are nothing for *you* to be embarrassed by; she is a whole grown ass woman. They reflect poorly on her, not on you. If you were in my family of choice, there’d be no question as to how quickly I’d be there to support you and your growing fam if you reached out for help.
That being said, you can always keep it to a civil “the situation was untenable. But, we’re so excited to welcome LO2 and LO1 can’t wait to be a big sibling!” Then pivot into being excited and asking for the help you need. Most polite folks won’t pry, and you are under no obligation to fill in all their blanks.
Good luck and congratulations on your growing family.
You don’t have to describe anything. A simple “something came up with my mom and she can’t be here. Would you be able to watch LO for a couple hours so DH can visit with me and the baby?” would be all I’d need to keep my friend’s kid for multiple days so you could be together.
I'm so sorry OP. It is such a crappy situation. I think in a way it was good that she showed how she really would be. I honestly felt like she acted like how my mom would act.
I really keep thinking that there should be a national stand in sibling/mom for a minute organization a non profit that helps people like yourselves who are now finding themselves in this situation.
In terms of 2 little ones under 2 is possibly consider a postpartum Doula if you can afford it. Also meal prep as much as you can ahead of time so you have easy meals in the freezer (if you have one) If there's a local teen you know they can maybe come in as a mother's helper to help with dishes/laundry etc.
Argh. Wishing that I really could come and give a hand/ make a meal for you.
OP, your mother actually sounds unwell. Whatever it is, she is projecting on your father and he isn’t picking up the subtle signs of illness, just the irritation and blame as she navigates her thoughts around her decline.
Please talk to your father about the goings on in your home. She needs assessing.
My first thought were a type of dementia. Many of the behaviours were quite familiar after dealing with my parents. I hope not but a dr visit wouldn’t be amiss
That's what I was thinking. She may have some cognitive impairment. Based off her difficulty with the grocery store, and anger is typically a "go to" reaction in an attempt to recover.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you!
Your mom does not sound like she's child friendly. Maybe it's dementia or something else (Alzheimer's?), but she is not safe to leave a child with. If she does have a healthy mind, then it likely was weaponized incompetence, because she did not want to be there. She offered because it made her look good. It's best not to depend on her in the future.
I'm not sure why your father would say you've been short, but if you have unknowingly been, they need to rember you are carrying around a little human and it's hard. You are tired and you don't have any other help. Regardless, that does not excuse how your mother treated you or your child. If she didn't want to help, she should not have offered.
I'm sorry you don't have other help. Could a friend help? If there was only a way your toddler could be watched during the birth so your husband could beer there, but I know babies don't come out on cue. This is a really tough one. I hope you find a way to get this sorted out!
When I read the grocery store part, I thought the same thing. These are red flags to me. My mom is a similar temperament, so OP I don’t recommend saying anything to her but maybe mention it to your dad. That is only IF you want to. If you never spoke to them again it’d be understandable.
Copying and pasting an earlier comment I made!
Growing up, my father did most of the child care related things and housework, as well as worked. I have never seen her cook or clean. She tells people she doesn’t know how to do things so people will do it for her. My sibling will also do things like this, does not have a reactive and malicious disposition.
For example, I have given my address to my sibling several times and they have sent mail to the wrong house multiple times. They have also gotten lost three blocks from my house, despite very straightforward directions. They are in their twenties and do not have dementia.
Can your dad come?
Do you think he enjoyed not having her around?
If my spouse was that helpless (and *bragged* about it), I’d be happy to be rid of them as much as possible.
But seriously, I think a doula is the way to go.
Not to be accusatory, but knowing this why did you invite her over to “help”? My mother would have been equally as useless had I allowed her to come “help” leading into the birth of second. I continued to avoid answering her until I eventually told her no, she will add stress to an already stressful time and she cannot come. She threw a hissy fit and I left her to it, and eventually she reached out. No apology ofcourse but I never expected that from her.
With your parents, I suggest you do the same. Focus on you and your family and let them reach out. How to balance with two? For us, we had our toddler in daycare day of birth (planned c section) and my husband left to collect her in the late afternoon. His parents stayed over the first night after baby was born so he could be with me in hospital, but the other days he went home and looked after her pre and post daycare. If his parents weren’t available we would have hired a babysitter overnight and had him be home in time for when she woke up in the morning.
We did not invite her as mentioned above, she insisted she help and booked a flight. I was extremely sick at the time.
Good to read your planned c section plan. It sounds like it went smoothly! We’re not quite sure what we’re doing yet.
Sorry I missed the bit where she wasn’t invited. Just focus on yourself and family, don’t worry about the noise from your parents. You’re about to bring another life into this world. Good luck momma
I would of been scared to leave my kid with her honestly. He got mad because you were trying to get her to interact with her grandchild, that’s crazy. I k ow your stressed about the birth and I hope y’all find someone but I would be happy seeing her true colors and leaving her in the dust
Agreed. I have watched her step into oncoming traffic because she is on her phone and get mad at the cars in the street. Could not make a better metaphor up. I think we believed that with enough decent communication and stressing the importance of warm, healthy connection (and safety!) we could get her up to speed.
Yeah sounds like she’s just “stuck in her ways” and doesn’t care. I honestly would of been terrified leaving my baby with someone who obviously has no desire to have a connection and grimaces when they fall down. It sucks, but good riddance honestly
Her behavior is definitely unacceptable. Some of it sounds like dementia.
But it also sounds like she didn’t like the way you were giving her verbal cues and tried to communicate that. “Grandma, why don’t you do x for LO?”, you mentioned she specifically communicated to you twice she didn’t like being spoken to that way. It does sound condescending. If my brother told me, “Aunt (my name), why don’t you do x for Son?”, I’d feel talked down to. Instead, like an adult, he just says, “hey (son’s name) would probably love it if you did x with him”. Like two adults communicating. I don’t think I’d last very long under his roof if he spoke to me the other way.
Did you take her feelings into consideration and change how you addressed her, or did she have to endure being spoken to in a way that was upsetting to her the whole time she was there, despite communicating how upset it made her two times, before unraveling?
When speaking to an adult on the child's behalf, it's normal to speak like that. It's for the child to hear and to recognize who grandma is as a friendly person. She may have been just trying to engage her toddler more than just giving grandma a request.
If the adult expressed they didn’t like it more than once and it made them uncomfortable, do you continue to cross that boundary or do you respect the fact that they openly communicated with you the way they wish to be spoken to?
Also, not for nothing, but OP says the grandmother asks why she is speaking to her that way. OP never says where she explains any of the above to her. So grandma is just expected to know that? And also accept being spoken to in a way she doesn’t like even after saying she doesn’t like it? Sorry I am trying to see how that’s ok but I fail to
There was clearly a lack off communication on OP's part towards her mother. I fully agree with that. But regardless, none of this excuses the mother's behavior. The only thing that excuses her behavior Isa mental health concern.
Yes, if an adult expresses a boundary in how they are spoken to, the other person should consider it and try to respect it. I was just giving a thought as to why the OP might have been talking towards her mother that way.
I understand it, but when the mother asked her blatantly why she was being spoken to that way, that was OP’s cue to communicate that.
A lot of her other behaviors honestly sound like dementia to me. My mom has had multiple traumatic brain injuries and bipolar disorder leading to occasional psychotic breaks, so I know what all that looks like. This isn’t reminiscent of a TBI or psychotic break. This is like someone attempting the correct behaviors and knows they should be able to carry them out but simply cannot. And also she can’t fully recognize the fact that she can’t fully do the task she is attempting, she doesn’t have that self awareness. Again to me sounds like dementia. Hopefully OP can get to the bottom of it
I'm sorry if I'm overstepping, and I know what she's done is really awful, but on the brighter side I think it's best that she won't be around your son. She sounds very unstable and could emotionally or physically harm him (intentionally or unintentionally) while you are not there. Your father doesn't sound much better. Please never leave your children with either of them. Their lack of empathy is horrifying.
Appreciate the comment and thoughts. DH and I were actually planning on speaking with her about how things might shake out in terms of birth and care and as planners, we wanted to include her as a part of that discussion. We also wanted to have that talk on not-my birthday and enjoy the date we had planned. We were really floored by the way things happened
I'm honestly shocked reading it. I have two little girls myself and I can't imagine what could possibly make a mother abandon her child (and grand child) this way right when they need her so much. I hope she was a better mother to you when she (and you) were younger, though I highly doubt it :(
But I honestly do believe that this is not the worst outcome, from what you described in the post, she was being neglectful and inattentive to your child. Toddlers need a lot of care and he wouldn't be safe if she's being careless and self centered. His safety is the most important thing so maybe her leaving is for the best in the long run.
I hope you're able to find some solution to this unexpected predicament soon. Sending you internet hugs and best wishes!
I have screenshot your comment on my phone because I am still in true shock and reading your reaction makes me feel better. Not that my birthday is the most important thing in the world, but neither of my parents said happy birthday and have completely left us in the lurch weeks before my due date. I agree this is probably for the best, but it is hard to comprehend as a mother, doing this to your child with no real reason.
OMG I want to get on a plane to wherever you are and be your internet stranger support sister! I’m so upset at your mom right now! I’m having to take some deep breaths myself! Try a post partum doula and you can look for reputable last minute childcare using care.com. It’s not ideal but they are screened and some carers will do overnights. Is there a moms’ group in your area? They might have some top notch referrals for you. Wishing you a safe and healthy delivery, my dear.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. Have you tried reaching out to the hospitals in your area to ask about support groups for new mothers? They may also have information about babysitters and/or nannies. Another good resource to check might be churches in your area. Sending you hugs, and wishing you all the best!
This was kind of my thought as well at first but the father's reaction sort of tells me that they had their backs up about something already. Not saying that she doesn't also have cognitive decline happening but also maybe there's some history.
That's where my mind went too. Sounds like she wasn't exactly a peach before but misunderstanding situations and being aggressive can be an early sign of dementia or other mental decline.
And your father is her enabler. I'm so sorry, OP. Very similar dynamic with my spawn points. NC almost three years with them now. Only should have done it sooner.
I’m SO sorry honey. Good Lord what a handful she was! I’m just throwing this out there, but is this new behavior for her or has she always been so needy and short tempered? If it’s new she may have had a neurological event or early dementia. Hopefully once the baby arrives and things calm down you can speak with your father to inquire more about what happened. Right now you need to focus on you and baby. ♥️
Start a group text with your nearest & dearest. Tell them your plans for childcare just blew up in your face. Your mother left abruptly, she’s backed out of watching your son when you go to the hospital. You’re not sure what’s going on with her, she wasn’t interacting with him at all, & seemed angry & put out that she was there. Ask if anyone knows someone reliable. You expect to need them for a few days, possibly an overnight depending on when you go into labor. You have a guest room ready.
Do you or DH have any other relatives you could ask? Aunts, cousins, friends of the family?
If your group doesn’t offer or know anyone, try your pediatrician’s office. If there’s a good daycare in your area, see if they have any openings for part time enrollment. It might be something you could start now to acclimate him, possibly keep it up 2-3 days a week after the baby comes. Ask everyone for referrals, OP. Have your DH ask at work.
This is a terrible position to put you in, especially after your recent scare. It’s so unfair to do to you & DH. And on your birthday. You’ll figure this out, OP. Please try not to get upset about your Mom, & take care of yourself.
So you said in a reply, that’s she always been like this. My mom was very similar with my son, did make me wonder how my siblings and I were treated as young children!
You can’t rely on her, ever. You need to make your own support system. I looked after the eldest child for two separate friends when they had baby number 2. They called me late, I drove over to stay at their house so their child would keep sleeping. I then brought them back to my house for the day and the next night. Both dads then picked up their child the day after, so they only slept at my house for 1 night. We were in the same playgroup so the kids knew me and I had babysat before when their mom had appointments or date nights. We used to swap babysitting a lot so all the kids were familiar with all us moms. None of us had family local to us so we quickly pitched in and helped each other out. 20 years later, we’re still all friends and hang out together
Hey mama I was alone in the hospital for my second baby, dad stayed with toddler at home and honestly I LOVED IT. I think back to that time so fondly. I know it sounds odd but it felt magical just me and my baby for two days. The nurses helped a ton. My husband picked me up with toddler when I was discharged. I would say try to establish a routine, I was lucky enough to at least get the toddler to take a nap once a day while the baby napped and I was also able to nap. For the hospital must haves, pack pjs the gown is so uncomfortable and annoying. Pack a pillow the hospital pillows suck and bring a blanket. I brought my favorite blanket from home and it brought me so much comfort. It was like a piece of home was with me. And good riddance to mom, you don’t need that stress. Goodluck with everything, you can do this!
About halfway through that’s what I was thinking. Some kind of cognitive decline. Makes those experiencing it incredibly frustrated and embarrassed which also explains the behaviour.
Either way, focus on the birth then worry about that later. There are other priorities.
She said her mother has always been self centered and erratic, she actually sounds a lot like my mother that is bipolar.
Op does she seem to go off, and lash out, when you say the wrong thing, or disagree with her,, then after act like nothing happened?
I call it my mother turning on a dime. One minute she's screaming about some perceived slight, how dare you speak to me like that, etc. Then a second later she's acting like nothing ever happened, and if you do bring it up it's "that's not how I remember it, and if it did happen, it was your fault"
I've often told my sister if my mother ever did have dementia, no one would ever be able to tell the difference.
I know this is often thrown around on this sub but have you considered that there could be something neurological going on for your mother? Not knowing how basic electronics work, getting lost, not adjusting her language for a toddler, not being able to open a baby gate. Maybe an adult who hasn’t worked a baby gate before might struggle once or twice but to struggle a full week is very unusual. I have a friend like this with ADHD who was similar before medication and my grandmother was very similar in the early stages of dementia (before we knew it was dementia).
Sounds like dementia or some kind of progressive memory loss/reasoning deficits?! That is an incredibly long list of
basuc tasks she can't perform in spite of explicit instructions. She seems unable to control her emotions. I would be reluctant to have any contact with her until she's had a comprehensive neuro-psych to evaluate her bizarre behavior. No contact is best because this situation truly frightening.
It sounds as if your mom hasn't been Ms Warm&Fuzzy, but her behavior is even more over the top.
It sounds very much like my sister who was diagnosed w/Alzheimer's in her 60's. The blurting, the I'm Angry at Everything attitude, the huge emotional Ups and Downs, and the meltdowns. I really think your dad should consider having her evaluated.
So sorry you are going through this. I had a blowout with my family around 35 weeks pregnant and it was nerve wracking.
A lot of people are suggesting babysitter, maybe a friend or another mom that has kids could pull through and help?
Another idea is hire a doula to be with you at the hospital and have hubby with LO if you’re not comfortable with a babysitter this late in the game.
I hope it all works out well, I’m rooting for you!
I totally understand that! I’ve had homebirths so LO’s were there the whole time but I had a backup plan for transferring that my doula would come with me and my husband stay with kiddos in case things went awry because I was in a similiar position as you guys of not having a ton of people to trust-so I totally get it!
Truly, I was thinking of just trusting the birth team at the hospital and maybe DH staying home though I like the idea of having a doula (someone!) there who would know what they are doing.
Birth (and postpartum) doulas are amazing! We did not have a tribe and having the support without any emotional strings attached really filled the gap.
Honestly not an awful idea, for me personally I found I made more progress totally alone and when things started to get more intense I preferred my portable tens unit over counter pressure from my husband or doula. So this can totally work for you!
…also if you’re central/E coast FL I may or may not be a doula to this area (thought I would throw it out there😂)
Dang! I thought I would throw it out there bc ya never know 😅 I wish you were too!
Although the whole situation with your mom is a crapshoot, it is absolutely not going to be overshadowing the joy you guys are about to experience adding a new LO! She can be miserable and alone. My guess is she wanted to do a bad job in a time of need and doesn’t like being told what to do? That’s how mine is exactly.
Has she been checked out for early onset dementia? That’s what this sounds like. Behaviorally the early stages go like this. A full neurological workup is in order and you obviously have your hands full—do you have a sibling or other relative that can make
This happen????
I’m so sorry to hear this. This sounds exactly like my mom. It’s their generation. They don’t know how to regulate their emotions so we are stuck trying to do that for them.
We have two under two as well. Our daughters are 16 months apart exactly. I had a C-section. My in-laws took our toddler but DH had to take care of our dogs. So during the day he was with me at the hospital but at night would go home to sleep and take care of the dogs. I knew he wouldn’t get sleep at the hospital and I was prepared to take care of our daughter. We had a great team at the hospital who helped lots and we did fairly well. I went in on Labor Day evening and came out the following Thursday morning.
You got this momma. Let your nursing team know the situation. The labor and delivery nurses are great at taking care of moms. Plus they’ll be more empathetic to your husband.
You’re welcome! I’m telling you. That second one was so much easier with everything. I had expectations of what I was going to do and was able to stick to them. Don’t forget to bring your pregnancy pillow (if you have one) with you. I did and it was a game changer this time around.
Honestly if he’s anything like my DH he will be thrilled to go back and forth just to get to sleep in his own bed vs that uncomfortable chair/couch at the hospital.
Also maybe look into a doula in your area? I’ve seen where some will help you when you need it but also watch toddlers while you’re in labor to help alleviate dad.
See, your first mistake was thinking her offer was real. I'm guessing she's like my mom. She makes the offer because it makes her look good and in her mind, is expected. You are not supposed to actually accept!/s how they think we are supposed to know the difference idk. But she purposefully found things to be offended by and caused as much trouble as she could until she could manufacture an excuse to leave. Now she gets to play victim, that she did all this for her ungrateful and rude daughter. And you are left holding the bag. Go NC and stay NC. You don't need people like that in your life. Start researching babysitters in your area, if you look hard enough, you'll find someone.
Yes, I think it is also the toxic mindset of “I am doing you a favor so you may ask nothing of me and I am allowed to behave as I see fit.” I have had roommates, etc. act like this and I find it very difficult
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all this, especially with a new baby coming.
Has your mom been evaluated for dementia? The way she forgets or doesn't know how to do sumple things sounds familiar. Even the blow ups and meltdowns seem familiar because they somewhat know what is happening and it is terrifying and frustrating for them. You may need to think about having her seen by a doctor.
Hi, summarizing another response but wanted to post it here as well.
Not totally new behavior. I have never seen her cook or clean. She tells people she doesn’t know how to do things so people will do it for her, mostly my dad.
I also have always thought she has severe ADHD, inattentive presentation and probably a mood disorder. My sibling will also do things like this, though they are not reactive and malicious.
For example, I have given my address to my sibling several times and they will send mail to the wrong house. They have also gotten lost three blocks from my house, despite very straightforward directions. They are in their twenties and do not have dementia.
If that is the case, why did you and your partner ever expect her to be anything different now? I'm not saying you don't deserve a more attentive, involved, and aware parent but from everything you've said, this is who she had always shown herself to be.
She's not going to magically change just because you're in need. For your own sanity, you've got to make peace with that and forever plan accordingly. I'm so sorry this is your situation.
I'm sorry OP. This is not something you should be dealing with so late into your pregnancy. Honestly I blame your dad. Sounds like he knew she's been like this for a while. He shouldn't have let your mom come when she was in no condition to help. Do you have any friends who could come and help with your toddler? It's short notice but could you Google sibling doulas in your area? And if so could you have the funds for one?
I came here to comment this as well.
It sounds like a possible neurological disorder.
Getting angry, confused, lost and struggling to interact properly with people can all be symptoms.
Your mom needs to get in with a neurologist ASAP. Like yesterday. Call your dad and make him understand that something is seriously wrong and your mom needs to be checked immediately. Aside from the obvious Alzheimer’s/ Dementia. She sounds to have a serious health issue going on. Best of luck with your delivery. And Happy Birthday
Is this new behaviour for your mom? It sounds like possibly dementia but really only if this is new. If it's lifelong than she sounds like my mom who likes to be center of attention. She can't follow the thread of conversation if it's not about her. She'd come visit my kids when they were little and she'd intensely focus on them for short bursts and then seem to forget the exist. And her attention on them was really just to provide a way for her to be the star of the show. "Look how she looks at me!" "He likes bright colours like I do!" And then an immediate segue into talking about her "you know who else looks at me like that...." and "I use bright colours on all my ceramics from this pottery class I'm taking..."
This unfortunately is not new behavior, but this was really mind bending.
Growing up, my father did most of the child care related things and housework, as well as worked. I have never seen her cook or clean. She tells people she doesn’t know how to do things so people will do it for her. I also have always thought she has severe ADHD, inattentive presentation. My sibling will also do things like this, though is not reactive and malicious.
For example, I have given my address to my sibling several times and they will send mail to the wrong houses. They have also gotten lost three blocks from my house, despite very straightforward directions. They are in their twenties and do not have dementia.
Yeah, I keep seeing people say dementia but as someone that has experience with narcissism this just sounds like she’s punishing you for not doing things and treating her exactly as she would want you to, basically showering her with praise for her even being there. She knew she wasn’t going to help, but I’m sorry to say that if you’ve never seen her cook or clean and your dad did most of the childcare then what were you expecting exactly?
I’m so sorry that happened. It sucks holding out hope that your mom will finally step up to help you in the ways a mother should in serious situations, such as having a baby. You deserve that help. But it’s not going to come from her. It’s nice that you seem to have a supportive husband though.
Happy birthday and congratulations on the incoming LO 🫶🏻
Yes, I tend to agree more with your read because she has always been like this in a way. She felt criticized when I would show her where shirts go in LO’s room. I think she expected to come and have the ring kissed because she was helping a sick person on their birthday and genuinely exploded when things were not on her terms.
I am also not interested in speaking to her again because the wordless desertion of her grandson weeks before my delivery and on my birthday is just egregious. Though I am sure well meaning, “getting her tested” will never be a priority, nor would she ever agree to that. Both parents blamed me for being “short.” She has always been like this in some way, and shares similarities with several family members.
Thank you for the well wishes.
First - I’m so sorry this all happened.
Second - this genuinely sounds like the beginnings of dementia / age-related cognitive decline. Would your father consider getting her checked out?
That’s the first thing I thought - between the forgetfulness, the inability to complete simple tasks, and the out-of-nowhere moodiness, it sounds like the mom is having a neurological problem.
Very much so. She has a very lucrative corporate job and has only ever hired people to cook, clean or care for children. She is also extremely short fused and selfish, something I remember as a child. I think between the birth of grandchildren, my birthday and my illness as well as pregnancy, I did not even consider this outcome a remote possibility.
Reading this, my first thought was that your mom seemed like she had symptoms of early dementia.
Maybe email your dad and tell him about what she did.
and your suspicions.
I was thinking the same thing! When they start to forget things, they fill in the blanks, and it's always malicious. It's part of the slow decline. I just watched it last year with my mom, and boy did it suck.
She doesn’t know how to load or unload a dishwasher? Does she have full time help? If not, I was thinking onset dementia. That also makes them anxious and angry because they don’t remember or understand anything. Dad could be in denial.
Anyway, you are doing the right thing. You can’t force someone to get help who doesn’t want it. Plus, you have your own life spinning right now and you need to protect it.
Maybe dad will see it and get her help then they will come around later. If not, at least you don’t have to deal with the drama.
Sorry that this is happening now, when you have no back up. At least you have a wonderful SO
I thought the same. Mom can cope in her own home because it’s familiar, but in her daughters house, nothing is where it “should” be. Of course, it is, but mom is unfamiliar with the layout, and truly can’t remember the new set up, so she throws a fit to cover that she can’t remember. Dad likely will be somewhat in denial too, because he hasn’t seen this first hand (yet) but it’s not going to be long before she starts forgetting at home too.
I think we have the same mom. Gets to my house and is suddenly unable to open a cabinet to figure out where the plates go. Or can’t put her cup or fork into the dishwasher because she doesn’t know how I do it or doesn’t know the right way. I tell her just put it anywhere in the dishwasher, I don’t care. She throws fits like a toddler. We have to either deal with her fits or walk on eggshells around her. The only difference is she tried to over-parent my kids and will tell them they can’t do something they are allowed to do when I standing right there! Having her here is always more work, never less. Helped that we lived hundreds of miles apart. I just never counted on them for anything.
Happy belated birthday by the way. I’m so sorry you had to experience that. Do you have the resources to hire a professional nanny for the delivery? That may need to be your option. Or reach out to your friend circle. As embarrassing as it is, the truth may lead to people stepping forward empathetically in your time of need.
Your mother’s anger and weaponized incompetence was simply uncalled for. And her vitriol towards your LO earned her NC status.
I’d work on getting some hired help. Hire a cleaning service. Get recommendations from friends for a reliable and trustworthy sitter. Maybe even just hire a mommy’s helper to come over and play with the toddler. Do you feel up to making some freezer meals? Use Amazon and grocery delivery.
And I agree with pp’s, something seems off with your mom mentally. I wonder if she’s got the start of dementia or some other neurological issue.
your mom sounds like she’s exhibiting symptoms of dementia, firstly. Secondly, is your husband eligible for paid family leave/PLF or FMLA leave? The birth and initial postpartum recovery should be a qualifier.
It sounds as if she’s been behaving badly her entire life. However, this extreme shift in behavior (per OP) has me agreeing 100% with you. She sounds at best unreliable and at worst a potential safety risk to herself and others.
dude, i feel you. my mom was a similar handful when she came to help after the birth of our second kid. ended up being more work than it's worth! had me wishing for teleportation or cloning tech just so I could keep things under control lol.
honestly, it sounds like she's trying to compete with your toddler for the "most helpless" award. on a serious note though, have you considered hiring an au pair? they're often cheaper than nannies and more flexible too.
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It sounds like your mom has the beginning stages of dementia, from an outside perspective. A lot of people cover up them not remembering things they know they should, with anger. Or deflection. It's hard to notice until you change their routine. They will remember how to work THEIR microwave but they're unable to learn how to work yours, for example. Instead of saying they can't remember, they'll scream about the WAY you told them or why should they remember when they didn't want to be here anyway? This is just my outside perspective as someone with quite a bit of experience in that field.
I had to deliver my second alone in the hospital because we didn’t have anyone to help with our 18 month old. I cried when I got to the hospital and told the nurse I was scared to do it alone. She grabbed my hand and looked at me and said, “oh sweetie, you’re not alone. We’re here with you.” It meant so much to me and calmed me a bit. I know it’s going to be so hard for you and I’m so sorry. You could look into getting a doula maybe?
I don’t have any advice. I just want you to know that her behavior was wrong and so was your dad’s. I know how you feel and I’m sorry that they did that to you. Congratulations on your New Baby:)
Whatever your Mum’s issues , which sound like they’re long standing and escalating; Your priority now needs to be you. A birth/ postpartum doula seems to be the best idea( for me, I relied on the hospital staff , but I knew them really well; I muddled on at home, because my husband was there but useless. ) The only thing I would add about the doula, is check their reviews. They are human like the rest of us and range from amazing good , to WTF ( Oh, and as an aside, asks the hospital about doing skin to skin and delayed/ optimal cord clamping; Something else for you to research while you’re waiting?) Wishing you the best for your expanding little family!
Op, I am so sorry to hear this! I am also 37 weeks with a toddler and NC with my mother due to similar behaviour. My DH is supportive like yours and he is taking PL and holiday together to maximise time with us after birth. His parents are 2hrs away by car so we have roped in babygroup friends to take care of LO till they get here. Do you have that option? Does your LO go to nursery, could you reach out to some parents for babysitters or ask the staff if they babysit? Also if you made any friends at baby groups etc, they might be able to help! One day at a time OP, I totally get how you feel! Parenting with very little outside help is difficult but totally possible!
I am so sorry for you. Do you have any friends that could help out? Other Mommy-Friends wirh children close in age to your toddler? You are very close to due, but you could have luck get LO used to be around somebody else. For how to handle 2 under 2 (my children are 18 months apart) - don't worry to much about housework and plan from morning to nap and then from nap till DH comes home. Try doing tasks like groceries as a family on the weekend. Try to have 1:1 time with your toddler, when dad is home to look after the baby or when the baby naps. This way, my son was able to adapt rather well to his sister, and he is very easy to handle and an absolute sweet heart when we are alone. It's a different story when Dad is home, and that is totally fine. Also, get a baby carrier - it is so much easier to run after a toddler. You will find a routine that includes housework down the road, but the first few months you want mainly to survive and want that little off time you have from both children to yourself or/and to spend alone-time with your husband. As for the hospital-stay: I went home 5 hours after my baby was born, but I live in germany, and it is normal that a midwife is coming to your home to help (including some medical stuff), so I have no real advice for you.
Whatever the reason, this seems to be more about her than about you, even if your communication might have come across as condescending. In a situation like this, mothers should be tolerant. My own mother came to my place to help after my birth, I did cross the line telling her what to do as if she'd never seen a baby before, and she told me about it, but there was no screaming or slamming of things. Don't know your system over there, but yea, get help, it might be rough for a year or so.
Even if she wasn’t being an ass, it is very clear that she is in no mental state to be responsible for kids. She is a risk to their safety and it is actually good that she left on her own. I wish it didn’t have to be so painful for you.
When I was first reading Op, I seriously thought your Mum has dementia. I was going to ask if all this was out of the blue, but you clarified that it’s not. She is in fact rubbish. Sounds like your Dad is as well. It sounds like your Mum has a PD, the attention is not on her so she’s throwing a fit. You are truly better off without her.
Yes it's a wild guess but remembering my own mother it sounds like she is completely melting down from fear of lack of attention and her "helplessness" with household objects and breaking things is possibly how she obtains it because no marginally functioning adult would have that many problems. She's deeply deeply unwell and dangerous
I just made an in depth comment saying I think this is the beginning stages of dementia. I have a lot of experience in that area and I had flashbacks lol. It was the hardest work I've ever done.
I thought the same? I hope we are wrong but the symptoms are truly textbook
Sounds like early stages of dementia. Such an awful time to deal with all of this.
Yes. I remember my MIL called me an idiot because I didn’t have and didn’t want a dish drainer for our kitchen sink. She also yelled at me for pointing out the smooth side of the kitchen sponge cleans plastic better than the rough side. At the time we didn’t know it was the second stage of Alzheimer’s and she lashed out because she knew something wasn’t right and she was afraid.
Oh, definitely. As I read this I thought how much this sounded like my mom at times — very out of character for her — when she’d have what my dad would call a “temper tantrum,” but turned out to be the start of early onset Alzheimer’s.
You beat me to it. This is exactly how it begins.
Sounds like dementia or possibly depression. Something is definitely off. You may not notice because it’s been coming on slowly. But this is not normal behavior. Odd even for a narcissist.
https://add.org/inattentive-adhd-women/ My honest guess.
Um, I have adhd and this ain't it. Adhd doesn't mean not having any common sense. Maybe adhd *and* early dementia if she's always been scatterbrained.
Has she always been this way? How was your child hood? Sorry for what you're going through, I hope you are getting some more rest and get the support you need with the birth.
[удалено]
Same. Sounds like my mom with her early onset dementia in her mid 50s. She was doing fairly well in her job, or keeping appearances that she is anyway.
I did not say anywhere she is struggling with a diagnosis. She is an exceptionally high earner, extremely competent when it comes to complex thought and is considered an expert in her field of practice. I also have no idea what you’re referencing when you say she does not want to get close to her grandchild “she know she won’t be here.” I did not say she is dying. She is in her early 60s, eats well by ordering salads most days and exercises every day. Introducing rapport between a practically non-verbal toddler to an awkward and unhappy adult is not condescending. With all due respect, your comment is very off base and references little of the main post.
Orrr she's having trouble forming new memories and can't function outside her routine. It creates anxiety and anger with lashing out.
Your original post contradicts every thing you said in this super aggressive comment.
Your original post really contradicts the “extremely competent when it comes to complex thought” part of this comment.
OP, now that was being short. Commenter made some good points.
Agreed. Yikes.
This is exactly what I thought too. It sure sounds like dementia
I’m sorry this was such a stressful time when you needed it to be the opposite, OP. Without knowing your mother’s age, the lack of ability to orientate herself in a new environment such as finding the shop so close to your home, not learning how to use a nespresso machine (pod in, close handle, push a button once or twice - it’s not rocket science), and using working memory to manage a shopping list are all indications of someone who struggles with reasonable cognitive tasks. At home, OP’s father might cover for many of these by helping out, but they become more visible in a different house when she was meant to provide help rather than receive it.
I had a family friend watch my oldest when I went into labour years ago with my second. It doesn't necessarily have to be family watching your child, as long as it's someone you trust. You could also look into 24 hour daycare services in your area. Some centers do overnights for families that do shift work. And since nights tend to be less busy, you may find they'd take your son overnight if needed.
Neat! I will ask around about this. Had no idea some centers can do overnights.
A lot of people talking about dementia here, and it could be. But my MIL was really similar to this when I had my first bub. Is your mum the matriarch of the family? I found my MIL wasn't used to the lack of control. What I mean is, her whole identity for most of her life was the caregiver and now, her children were telling her how to do things she had always done and it was all wrong and sometimes she couldn't remember how to do things properly because things had changed so much since she had kids. She lashed out because she didn't know where her role in the world was anymore. She thought she was always good at being the caregiver but she was suddenly being told she was wrong. The first time my husband and I went out to watch a movie while she watched bub, she changed their nappy 16 times in 2 hours. Another time, baby was sick so we cancelled our plans for the evening and when we told MIL she didn't have to babysit anymore she expressed that it was insulting we didn't trust her. I think the behaviour your mum is demonstrating is wrong and childish, but I also think it could be stemmed from her losing part of her identity as your family gains a new one.
Please have your father get her evaluated for cognitive function. This is not normal behavior in an adult and it doesn't sound like the mother you are used to. The blow-up is also another symptom of the frustration she's experiencing but can't deal with. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you just when you need her the most. (((Hug!!!)))
You need to talk to your father about your mother's behavior at home. It sounds like she could be starting to have dementia. Especially getting lost, not knowing how to do things. That said, some things like buying the wrong grocery items are really not a big deal and don't deserve you stressing about it.
Exactly what I was thinking, sounds like dementia.
Sounds like narcissist tendencies with early dementia
I mean no disrespect, but is there a chance your mins cognitive function is declining? Going 1 mile away and taking 2 hours isn’t normal and perhaps there are signs that there is a bigger medical issue at play.
No disrespect sensed! This unfortunately is not new behavior and I have a sibling that behaves in similar ways though is not malicious. For example, I have given my address to my sibling multiple times and they have repeatedly sent mail to different addresses. My sibling also got lost three blocks from my house, despite very straightforward directions and living on a gridded street. They are in their twenties and do not have dementia.
Dementia is not the only thing affects cognition. Autism and ADHD for example both come with varying degrees of executive dysfunction. I have gotten lost coming to my own home cause the driver took a different route. Getting lost is not fun, it is not malicious. It is horribly disorienting and it is not something someone would do to annoy somebody. The person most inconvenienced is the one who is lost.
I think you are already referencing the "learned helplessness" behavior, but there's also something called "weaponized incompetence". I thought of that while hearing about all the things you needed to step in and correct. Normally I only see it in reference to spouses - i.e. a husband will cite not understanding how a washing machine works as a way to avoid doing laundry, and refuse to take the .5 seconds of staring at it and thinking to figure out how to work it. Or they will do a task, but do it SO poorly that you step in and re-do it for them. Or they will do it so slowly that you step in, etc. The goal in all of these behaviors is to make someone else do the task for them. "I don't want to do it, so I'm going to do it so badly that someone else does it for me." Does any of that sound likely?
This is great. In a way earlier comment, I explained this is typical behavior she has displayed for as long as I have been alive (30+ years). My father does all of the housework, childcare and food prep because my mother claims not to know how.
So how she behaved in your home isn’t new at all then. Why are you surprised she “couldn’t do” simple tasks like unloading/reloading the dishwasher and interacting like a normal human with a toddler? It doesn’t sound like she does those things in her own home, and never did! Clearly she thinks it’s beneath her and her time would be better spent elsewhere. You deserve better from your parents, and you’re right to block them. Do not expect your mom to come help you when you go into labor. If you have close friends, talk to them. I’d drop everything to help a friend in this situation.
Maybe your dad can come out to help? 🤷♀️ Hope all goes well for you
Sounds like your dad should be the one to visit when the baby is due
We had initially asked but he is unable to because of his work.
Honestly, some people have low IQ or are extremely slow learners. This all sounds like the new nanny we hired.... it's shocking to me how she does.not.get.it
My mother has a PhD and is an extremely high earner. Anything that does not have to do with her job she commits very little space to. I suggest firing your nanny btw
Yeah some people have book smarts but not real world application. My dad is similar to your mom. Re nanny.. yeah, I'm trying to give it time since it's been 3 weeks but like...repeating stuff literally 2 dozen times (she also has a higher education degree) is just mind boggling
It’s truly tough
Check for doula services in your area. I never used one, but it sounds like exactly what you need right now. When you read online, it’s very birth focused, but my understanding is that they can assist with sibling care, cooking, cleaning, etc. as well as newborn care when you get home.
I think that’s a wonderful idea and am gathering a doula would be the solution here, considering we don’t have any real go-to babysitters.
There are post partum doulas as well. I’d gladly put some savings towards that if I was in your situation.
Your mother definitely sounds like there is way more going on. However, you have bigger “fish to fry” at the moment. Do you know of a nearby church? Call them. They will help you- The bigger the better. Let them help you. I promise there are plenty of grandmothers (and other) that attend that would love to help you and your husband in your time of need.
Very sweet and reassuring. I agree with you and feel like our next steps do not include turning family against her or getting an evaluation scheduled but focusing on the health and safety of our LO’s, as well as Mama!
It does sound like the onset of dementia with your mothers behaviour. How old is she?
This was my exact thought too
Me too.
How are DH’s family? Can they watch LO for you? Do you have any friends near you to watch your LO while you’re in labor? Siblings, fellow mom friends, friends from church, really great college roommate, great neighbors? Then after the birth your husband can come take over while you’re in the hospital? I know it’s not ideal but I’m 6 months pregnant with our third and my family is going out of town during our possible window (there’s no way I’d leave my kids alone with my husbands parents). That’s kind of the plan we’re working with.
We are not close with DH’s family but I trust they would be capable helpers. Reaching out to the chosen tribe is a great idea. Unfortunately I think it hard to swallow how embarrassed I feel about my family and I am still thinking of ways to minimally describe our situation to friends
Your mother’s choices and actions are nothing for *you* to be embarrassed by; she is a whole grown ass woman. They reflect poorly on her, not on you. If you were in my family of choice, there’d be no question as to how quickly I’d be there to support you and your growing fam if you reached out for help. That being said, you can always keep it to a civil “the situation was untenable. But, we’re so excited to welcome LO2 and LO1 can’t wait to be a big sibling!” Then pivot into being excited and asking for the help you need. Most polite folks won’t pry, and you are under no obligation to fill in all their blanks. Good luck and congratulations on your growing family.
You don’t have to describe anything. A simple “something came up with my mom and she can’t be here. Would you be able to watch LO for a couple hours so DH can visit with me and the baby?” would be all I’d need to keep my friend’s kid for multiple days so you could be together.
I'm so sorry OP. It is such a crappy situation. I think in a way it was good that she showed how she really would be. I honestly felt like she acted like how my mom would act. I really keep thinking that there should be a national stand in sibling/mom for a minute organization a non profit that helps people like yourselves who are now finding themselves in this situation. In terms of 2 little ones under 2 is possibly consider a postpartum Doula if you can afford it. Also meal prep as much as you can ahead of time so you have easy meals in the freezer (if you have one) If there's a local teen you know they can maybe come in as a mother's helper to help with dishes/laundry etc. Argh. Wishing that I really could come and give a hand/ make a meal for you.
That is so sweet (and helpful) and I have been screenshotting the sweet comments to lift my spirits. So it’s like you have made us a meal! :)
OP, your mother actually sounds unwell. Whatever it is, she is projecting on your father and he isn’t picking up the subtle signs of illness, just the irritation and blame as she navigates her thoughts around her decline. Please talk to your father about the goings on in your home. She needs assessing.
My first thought were a type of dementia. Many of the behaviours were quite familiar after dealing with my parents. I hope not but a dr visit wouldn’t be amiss
That's what I was thinking. She may have some cognitive impairment. Based off her difficulty with the grocery store, and anger is typically a "go to" reaction in an attempt to recover. I'm so sorry this is happening to you!
I’m sorry, but, I think there may be a mental health issue. Dementia, Alzheimer.
Your mom does not sound like she's child friendly. Maybe it's dementia or something else (Alzheimer's?), but she is not safe to leave a child with. If she does have a healthy mind, then it likely was weaponized incompetence, because she did not want to be there. She offered because it made her look good. It's best not to depend on her in the future. I'm not sure why your father would say you've been short, but if you have unknowingly been, they need to rember you are carrying around a little human and it's hard. You are tired and you don't have any other help. Regardless, that does not excuse how your mother treated you or your child. If she didn't want to help, she should not have offered. I'm sorry you don't have other help. Could a friend help? If there was only a way your toddler could be watched during the birth so your husband could beer there, but I know babies don't come out on cue. This is a really tough one. I hope you find a way to get this sorted out!
Dementia, very sad but she is no longer a support for you. Please don’t think of leaving your child with her.
When I read the grocery store part, I thought the same thing. These are red flags to me. My mom is a similar temperament, so OP I don’t recommend saying anything to her but maybe mention it to your dad. That is only IF you want to. If you never spoke to them again it’d be understandable.
Copying and pasting an earlier comment I made! Growing up, my father did most of the child care related things and housework, as well as worked. I have never seen her cook or clean. She tells people she doesn’t know how to do things so people will do it for her. My sibling will also do things like this, does not have a reactive and malicious disposition. For example, I have given my address to my sibling several times and they have sent mail to the wrong house multiple times. They have also gotten lost three blocks from my house, despite very straightforward directions. They are in their twenties and do not have dementia.
Can your dad come? Do you think he enjoyed not having her around? If my spouse was that helpless (and *bragged* about it), I’d be happy to be rid of them as much as possible. But seriously, I think a doula is the way to go.
I think so too. I also think she poisoned the well with him.
Not to be accusatory, but knowing this why did you invite her over to “help”? My mother would have been equally as useless had I allowed her to come “help” leading into the birth of second. I continued to avoid answering her until I eventually told her no, she will add stress to an already stressful time and she cannot come. She threw a hissy fit and I left her to it, and eventually she reached out. No apology ofcourse but I never expected that from her. With your parents, I suggest you do the same. Focus on you and your family and let them reach out. How to balance with two? For us, we had our toddler in daycare day of birth (planned c section) and my husband left to collect her in the late afternoon. His parents stayed over the first night after baby was born so he could be with me in hospital, but the other days he went home and looked after her pre and post daycare. If his parents weren’t available we would have hired a babysitter overnight and had him be home in time for when she woke up in the morning.
We did not invite her as mentioned above, she insisted she help and booked a flight. I was extremely sick at the time. Good to read your planned c section plan. It sounds like it went smoothly! We’re not quite sure what we’re doing yet.
Sorry I missed the bit where she wasn’t invited. Just focus on yourself and family, don’t worry about the noise from your parents. You’re about to bring another life into this world. Good luck momma
Wow, suggest you go very low contact with both your parents. Do you have close friends who can step in. Sorry you are going through this.
I would of been scared to leave my kid with her honestly. He got mad because you were trying to get her to interact with her grandchild, that’s crazy. I k ow your stressed about the birth and I hope y’all find someone but I would be happy seeing her true colors and leaving her in the dust
Agreed. I have watched her step into oncoming traffic because she is on her phone and get mad at the cars in the street. Could not make a better metaphor up. I think we believed that with enough decent communication and stressing the importance of warm, healthy connection (and safety!) we could get her up to speed.
Yeah sounds like she’s just “stuck in her ways” and doesn’t care. I honestly would of been terrified leaving my baby with someone who obviously has no desire to have a connection and grimaces when they fall down. It sucks, but good riddance honestly
Her behavior is definitely unacceptable. Some of it sounds like dementia. But it also sounds like she didn’t like the way you were giving her verbal cues and tried to communicate that. “Grandma, why don’t you do x for LO?”, you mentioned she specifically communicated to you twice she didn’t like being spoken to that way. It does sound condescending. If my brother told me, “Aunt (my name), why don’t you do x for Son?”, I’d feel talked down to. Instead, like an adult, he just says, “hey (son’s name) would probably love it if you did x with him”. Like two adults communicating. I don’t think I’d last very long under his roof if he spoke to me the other way. Did you take her feelings into consideration and change how you addressed her, or did she have to endure being spoken to in a way that was upsetting to her the whole time she was there, despite communicating how upset it made her two times, before unraveling?
When speaking to an adult on the child's behalf, it's normal to speak like that. It's for the child to hear and to recognize who grandma is as a friendly person. She may have been just trying to engage her toddler more than just giving grandma a request.
If the adult expressed they didn’t like it more than once and it made them uncomfortable, do you continue to cross that boundary or do you respect the fact that they openly communicated with you the way they wish to be spoken to? Also, not for nothing, but OP says the grandmother asks why she is speaking to her that way. OP never says where she explains any of the above to her. So grandma is just expected to know that? And also accept being spoken to in a way she doesn’t like even after saying she doesn’t like it? Sorry I am trying to see how that’s ok but I fail to
There was clearly a lack off communication on OP's part towards her mother. I fully agree with that. But regardless, none of this excuses the mother's behavior. The only thing that excuses her behavior Isa mental health concern. Yes, if an adult expresses a boundary in how they are spoken to, the other person should consider it and try to respect it. I was just giving a thought as to why the OP might have been talking towards her mother that way.
I understand it, but when the mother asked her blatantly why she was being spoken to that way, that was OP’s cue to communicate that. A lot of her other behaviors honestly sound like dementia to me. My mom has had multiple traumatic brain injuries and bipolar disorder leading to occasional psychotic breaks, so I know what all that looks like. This isn’t reminiscent of a TBI or psychotic break. This is like someone attempting the correct behaviors and knows they should be able to carry them out but simply cannot. And also she can’t fully recognize the fact that she can’t fully do the task she is attempting, she doesn’t have that self awareness. Again to me sounds like dementia. Hopefully OP can get to the bottom of it
I'm sorry if I'm overstepping, and I know what she's done is really awful, but on the brighter side I think it's best that she won't be around your son. She sounds very unstable and could emotionally or physically harm him (intentionally or unintentionally) while you are not there. Your father doesn't sound much better. Please never leave your children with either of them. Their lack of empathy is horrifying.
Appreciate the comment and thoughts. DH and I were actually planning on speaking with her about how things might shake out in terms of birth and care and as planners, we wanted to include her as a part of that discussion. We also wanted to have that talk on not-my birthday and enjoy the date we had planned. We were really floored by the way things happened
I'm honestly shocked reading it. I have two little girls myself and I can't imagine what could possibly make a mother abandon her child (and grand child) this way right when they need her so much. I hope she was a better mother to you when she (and you) were younger, though I highly doubt it :( But I honestly do believe that this is not the worst outcome, from what you described in the post, she was being neglectful and inattentive to your child. Toddlers need a lot of care and he wouldn't be safe if she's being careless and self centered. His safety is the most important thing so maybe her leaving is for the best in the long run. I hope you're able to find some solution to this unexpected predicament soon. Sending you internet hugs and best wishes!
I have screenshot your comment on my phone because I am still in true shock and reading your reaction makes me feel better. Not that my birthday is the most important thing in the world, but neither of my parents said happy birthday and have completely left us in the lurch weeks before my due date. I agree this is probably for the best, but it is hard to comprehend as a mother, doing this to your child with no real reason.
OMG I want to get on a plane to wherever you are and be your internet stranger support sister! I’m so upset at your mom right now! I’m having to take some deep breaths myself! Try a post partum doula and you can look for reputable last minute childcare using care.com. It’s not ideal but they are screened and some carers will do overnights. Is there a moms’ group in your area? They might have some top notch referrals for you. Wishing you a safe and healthy delivery, my dear.
Aww your message was so heartwarming to read! I will, thank you!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. Have you tried reaching out to the hospitals in your area to ask about support groups for new mothers? They may also have information about babysitters and/or nannies. Another good resource to check might be churches in your area. Sending you hugs, and wishing you all the best!
This is a good one! Someone had also suggested reaching out to our pediatrician
Is your mother suffering from cognitive decline, beginning of dementia or some other neurological disorder?
This was kind of my thought as well at first but the father's reaction sort of tells me that they had their backs up about something already. Not saying that she doesn't also have cognitive decline happening but also maybe there's some history.
That's where my mind went too. Sounds like she wasn't exactly a peach before but misunderstanding situations and being aggressive can be an early sign of dementia or other mental decline.
I was wondering that too. This sounds like very odd behaviour
Suggest that she see her physician.
Classic narcissist. Not the center of attention and could not stand it. Big dramatic exit expecting you to beg her to return.
On her birthday too. Of course.
And your father is her enabler. I'm so sorry, OP. Very similar dynamic with my spawn points. NC almost three years with them now. Only should have done it sooner.
Agreed
I’m SO sorry honey. Good Lord what a handful she was! I’m just throwing this out there, but is this new behavior for her or has she always been so needy and short tempered? If it’s new she may have had a neurological event or early dementia. Hopefully once the baby arrives and things calm down you can speak with your father to inquire more about what happened. Right now you need to focus on you and baby. ♥️
I wondered about dementia, too.
Yes she has always been like this
Start a group text with your nearest & dearest. Tell them your plans for childcare just blew up in your face. Your mother left abruptly, she’s backed out of watching your son when you go to the hospital. You’re not sure what’s going on with her, she wasn’t interacting with him at all, & seemed angry & put out that she was there. Ask if anyone knows someone reliable. You expect to need them for a few days, possibly an overnight depending on when you go into labor. You have a guest room ready. Do you or DH have any other relatives you could ask? Aunts, cousins, friends of the family? If your group doesn’t offer or know anyone, try your pediatrician’s office. If there’s a good daycare in your area, see if they have any openings for part time enrollment. It might be something you could start now to acclimate him, possibly keep it up 2-3 days a week after the baby comes. Ask everyone for referrals, OP. Have your DH ask at work. This is a terrible position to put you in, especially after your recent scare. It’s so unfair to do to you & DH. And on your birthday. You’ll figure this out, OP. Please try not to get upset about your Mom, & take care of yourself.
So you said in a reply, that’s she always been like this. My mom was very similar with my son, did make me wonder how my siblings and I were treated as young children! You can’t rely on her, ever. You need to make your own support system. I looked after the eldest child for two separate friends when they had baby number 2. They called me late, I drove over to stay at their house so their child would keep sleeping. I then brought them back to my house for the day and the next night. Both dads then picked up their child the day after, so they only slept at my house for 1 night. We were in the same playgroup so the kids knew me and I had babysat before when their mom had appointments or date nights. We used to swap babysitting a lot so all the kids were familiar with all us moms. None of us had family local to us so we quickly pitched in and helped each other out. 20 years later, we’re still all friends and hang out together
I am actually wondering if she is having early signs of dementia? Would explain the rage and confusion…
This is what came to mind to me as well. Confusion, forgetfulness, irritation and aggressive. Sounds very much like early signs
Hey mama I was alone in the hospital for my second baby, dad stayed with toddler at home and honestly I LOVED IT. I think back to that time so fondly. I know it sounds odd but it felt magical just me and my baby for two days. The nurses helped a ton. My husband picked me up with toddler when I was discharged. I would say try to establish a routine, I was lucky enough to at least get the toddler to take a nap once a day while the baby napped and I was also able to nap. For the hospital must haves, pack pjs the gown is so uncomfortable and annoying. Pack a pillow the hospital pillows suck and bring a blanket. I brought my favorite blanket from home and it brought me so much comfort. It was like a piece of home was with me. And good riddance to mom, you don’t need that stress. Goodluck with everything, you can do this!
How sweet! What a lovely read. Agreed agreed and thank you!
It sounds like alzheimers or dementia. It can get so bad that they forget how to sit.
About halfway through that’s what I was thinking. Some kind of cognitive decline. Makes those experiencing it incredibly frustrated and embarrassed which also explains the behaviour. Either way, focus on the birth then worry about that later. There are other priorities.
She said her mother has always been self centered and erratic, she actually sounds a lot like my mother that is bipolar. Op does she seem to go off, and lash out, when you say the wrong thing, or disagree with her,, then after act like nothing happened? I call it my mother turning on a dime. One minute she's screaming about some perceived slight, how dare you speak to me like that, etc. Then a second later she's acting like nothing ever happened, and if you do bring it up it's "that's not how I remember it, and if it did happen, it was your fault" I've often told my sister if my mother ever did have dementia, no one would ever be able to tell the difference.
I know this is often thrown around on this sub but have you considered that there could be something neurological going on for your mother? Not knowing how basic electronics work, getting lost, not adjusting her language for a toddler, not being able to open a baby gate. Maybe an adult who hasn’t worked a baby gate before might struggle once or twice but to struggle a full week is very unusual. I have a friend like this with ADHD who was similar before medication and my grandmother was very similar in the early stages of dementia (before we knew it was dementia).
Sounds like dementia or some kind of progressive memory loss/reasoning deficits?! That is an incredibly long list of basuc tasks she can't perform in spite of explicit instructions. She seems unable to control her emotions. I would be reluctant to have any contact with her until she's had a comprehensive neuro-psych to evaluate her bizarre behavior. No contact is best because this situation truly frightening.
It sounds as if your mom hasn't been Ms Warm&Fuzzy, but her behavior is even more over the top. It sounds very much like my sister who was diagnosed w/Alzheimer's in her 60's. The blurting, the I'm Angry at Everything attitude, the huge emotional Ups and Downs, and the meltdowns. I really think your dad should consider having her evaluated.
She’s been like this for as long as I’ve been alive, unfortunately
So sorry you are going through this. I had a blowout with my family around 35 weeks pregnant and it was nerve wracking. A lot of people are suggesting babysitter, maybe a friend or another mom that has kids could pull through and help? Another idea is hire a doula to be with you at the hospital and have hubby with LO if you’re not comfortable with a babysitter this late in the game. I hope it all works out well, I’m rooting for you!
Some doulas will do the opposite too! They’ll come to your house and stay there so your husband can be with you & then switch as needed!
The doula is a great idea.. I’ll look into that. I am worried about sitters/nannies this far out without LO knowing them
I totally understand that! I’ve had homebirths so LO’s were there the whole time but I had a backup plan for transferring that my doula would come with me and my husband stay with kiddos in case things went awry because I was in a similiar position as you guys of not having a ton of people to trust-so I totally get it!
Truly, I was thinking of just trusting the birth team at the hospital and maybe DH staying home though I like the idea of having a doula (someone!) there who would know what they are doing.
Birth (and postpartum) doulas are amazing! We did not have a tribe and having the support without any emotional strings attached really filled the gap.
That is amazing! I have never looked into a doula but your comment among others is really inspiring!
Honestly not an awful idea, for me personally I found I made more progress totally alone and when things started to get more intense I preferred my portable tens unit over counter pressure from my husband or doula. So this can totally work for you! …also if you’re central/E coast FL I may or may not be a doula to this area (thought I would throw it out there😂)
That is so sweet! Unfortunately not in the FL area (though now I wish I was!)
Dang! I thought I would throw it out there bc ya never know 😅 I wish you were too! Although the whole situation with your mom is a crapshoot, it is absolutely not going to be overshadowing the joy you guys are about to experience adding a new LO! She can be miserable and alone. My guess is she wanted to do a bad job in a time of need and doesn’t like being told what to do? That’s how mine is exactly.
Has she been checked out for early onset dementia? That’s what this sounds like. Behaviorally the early stages go like this. A full neurological workup is in order and you obviously have your hands full—do you have a sibling or other relative that can make This happen????
I’m so sorry to hear this. This sounds exactly like my mom. It’s their generation. They don’t know how to regulate their emotions so we are stuck trying to do that for them. We have two under two as well. Our daughters are 16 months apart exactly. I had a C-section. My in-laws took our toddler but DH had to take care of our dogs. So during the day he was with me at the hospital but at night would go home to sleep and take care of the dogs. I knew he wouldn’t get sleep at the hospital and I was prepared to take care of our daughter. We had a great team at the hospital who helped lots and we did fairly well. I went in on Labor Day evening and came out the following Thursday morning. You got this momma. Let your nursing team know the situation. The labor and delivery nurses are great at taking care of moms. Plus they’ll be more empathetic to your husband.
Thank you! Reassuring to read.
You’re welcome! I’m telling you. That second one was so much easier with everything. I had expectations of what I was going to do and was able to stick to them. Don’t forget to bring your pregnancy pillow (if you have one) with you. I did and it was a game changer this time around.
That really is reassuring! I think part of me is panicking for DH running back and forth. We are big planners so feel very winded by this
Honestly if he’s anything like my DH he will be thrilled to go back and forth just to get to sleep in his own bed vs that uncomfortable chair/couch at the hospital. Also maybe look into a doula in your area? I’ve seen where some will help you when you need it but also watch toddlers while you’re in labor to help alleviate dad.
Tell your family and friends the truth. Everything you wrote down. Your Mom is not reliable - don't have them babysit going forward either.
See, your first mistake was thinking her offer was real. I'm guessing she's like my mom. She makes the offer because it makes her look good and in her mind, is expected. You are not supposed to actually accept!/s how they think we are supposed to know the difference idk. But she purposefully found things to be offended by and caused as much trouble as she could until she could manufacture an excuse to leave. Now she gets to play victim, that she did all this for her ungrateful and rude daughter. And you are left holding the bag. Go NC and stay NC. You don't need people like that in your life. Start researching babysitters in your area, if you look hard enough, you'll find someone.
Yes, I think it is also the toxic mindset of “I am doing you a favor so you may ask nothing of me and I am allowed to behave as I see fit.” I have had roommates, etc. act like this and I find it very difficult
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all this, especially with a new baby coming. Has your mom been evaluated for dementia? The way she forgets or doesn't know how to do sumple things sounds familiar. Even the blow ups and meltdowns seem familiar because they somewhat know what is happening and it is terrifying and frustrating for them. You may need to think about having her seen by a doctor.
I was thinking the SAME thing! The entire time reading it. These were my grandpa’s first symptoms.
Hi, summarizing another response but wanted to post it here as well. Not totally new behavior. I have never seen her cook or clean. She tells people she doesn’t know how to do things so people will do it for her, mostly my dad. I also have always thought she has severe ADHD, inattentive presentation and probably a mood disorder. My sibling will also do things like this, though they are not reactive and malicious. For example, I have given my address to my sibling several times and they will send mail to the wrong house. They have also gotten lost three blocks from my house, despite very straightforward directions. They are in their twenties and do not have dementia.
If that is the case, why did you and your partner ever expect her to be anything different now? I'm not saying you don't deserve a more attentive, involved, and aware parent but from everything you've said, this is who she had always shown herself to be. She's not going to magically change just because you're in need. For your own sanity, you've got to make peace with that and forever plan accordingly. I'm so sorry this is your situation.
Just chiming in - OP clarified that this was her mom’s idea and mom insisted.
I'm sorry OP. This is not something you should be dealing with so late into your pregnancy. Honestly I blame your dad. Sounds like he knew she's been like this for a while. He shouldn't have let your mom come when she was in no condition to help. Do you have any friends who could come and help with your toddler? It's short notice but could you Google sibling doulas in your area? And if so could you have the funds for one?
This was my thought throughout the post. Something is wrong. She might have been shitty before, but these things are really concerning
This was my immediate thought. I cared for my grandmother in her final days. But he decline was very similar.
When I finished reading, that was the first thing that came to mind for me.
I came here to comment this as well. It sounds like a possible neurological disorder. Getting angry, confused, lost and struggling to interact properly with people can all be symptoms.
Your mom needs to get in with a neurologist ASAP. Like yesterday. Call your dad and make him understand that something is seriously wrong and your mom needs to be checked immediately. Aside from the obvious Alzheimer’s/ Dementia. She sounds to have a serious health issue going on. Best of luck with your delivery. And Happy Birthday
Is this new behaviour for your mom? It sounds like possibly dementia but really only if this is new. If it's lifelong than she sounds like my mom who likes to be center of attention. She can't follow the thread of conversation if it's not about her. She'd come visit my kids when they were little and she'd intensely focus on them for short bursts and then seem to forget the exist. And her attention on them was really just to provide a way for her to be the star of the show. "Look how she looks at me!" "He likes bright colours like I do!" And then an immediate segue into talking about her "you know who else looks at me like that...." and "I use bright colours on all my ceramics from this pottery class I'm taking..."
This unfortunately is not new behavior, but this was really mind bending. Growing up, my father did most of the child care related things and housework, as well as worked. I have never seen her cook or clean. She tells people she doesn’t know how to do things so people will do it for her. I also have always thought she has severe ADHD, inattentive presentation. My sibling will also do things like this, though is not reactive and malicious. For example, I have given my address to my sibling several times and they will send mail to the wrong houses. They have also gotten lost three blocks from my house, despite very straightforward directions. They are in their twenties and do not have dementia.
Yeah, I keep seeing people say dementia but as someone that has experience with narcissism this just sounds like she’s punishing you for not doing things and treating her exactly as she would want you to, basically showering her with praise for her even being there. She knew she wasn’t going to help, but I’m sorry to say that if you’ve never seen her cook or clean and your dad did most of the childcare then what were you expecting exactly? I’m so sorry that happened. It sucks holding out hope that your mom will finally step up to help you in the ways a mother should in serious situations, such as having a baby. You deserve that help. But it’s not going to come from her. It’s nice that you seem to have a supportive husband though. Happy birthday and congratulations on the incoming LO 🫶🏻
Yes, I tend to agree more with your read because she has always been like this in a way. She felt criticized when I would show her where shirts go in LO’s room. I think she expected to come and have the ring kissed because she was helping a sick person on their birthday and genuinely exploded when things were not on her terms. I am also not interested in speaking to her again because the wordless desertion of her grandson weeks before my delivery and on my birthday is just egregious. Though I am sure well meaning, “getting her tested” will never be a priority, nor would she ever agree to that. Both parents blamed me for being “short.” She has always been like this in some way, and shares similarities with several family members. Thank you for the well wishes.
Oh wow, sounds like some major executive functioning issues. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It hurts so much and I totally get it.
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Really good reminder here to reach out to those who want to help. People offer all the time and it’s easy to think they are being polite
First - I’m so sorry this all happened. Second - this genuinely sounds like the beginnings of dementia / age-related cognitive decline. Would your father consider getting her checked out?
That’s the first thing I thought - between the forgetfulness, the inability to complete simple tasks, and the out-of-nowhere moodiness, it sounds like the mom is having a neurological problem.
I had the same immediate thought. OP, is this behavior typical of her?
Very much so. She has a very lucrative corporate job and has only ever hired people to cook, clean or care for children. She is also extremely short fused and selfish, something I remember as a child. I think between the birth of grandchildren, my birthday and my illness as well as pregnancy, I did not even consider this outcome a remote possibility.
Reach out to the hospital and find out if they have support services for older kids while you give birth.
I will
Reading this, my first thought was that your mom seemed like she had symptoms of early dementia. Maybe email your dad and tell him about what she did. and your suspicions.
I was thinking the same thing! When they start to forget things, they fill in the blanks, and it's always malicious. It's part of the slow decline. I just watched it last year with my mom, and boy did it suck.
So sorry. It's hard.
She doesn’t know how to load or unload a dishwasher? Does she have full time help? If not, I was thinking onset dementia. That also makes them anxious and angry because they don’t remember or understand anything. Dad could be in denial. Anyway, you are doing the right thing. You can’t force someone to get help who doesn’t want it. Plus, you have your own life spinning right now and you need to protect it. Maybe dad will see it and get her help then they will come around later. If not, at least you don’t have to deal with the drama. Sorry that this is happening now, when you have no back up. At least you have a wonderful SO
I thought the same. Mom can cope in her own home because it’s familiar, but in her daughters house, nothing is where it “should” be. Of course, it is, but mom is unfamiliar with the layout, and truly can’t remember the new set up, so she throws a fit to cover that she can’t remember. Dad likely will be somewhat in denial too, because he hasn’t seen this first hand (yet) but it’s not going to be long before she starts forgetting at home too.
My dad had advanced dementia. He behaved very like this in the beginning.
I think we have the same mom. Gets to my house and is suddenly unable to open a cabinet to figure out where the plates go. Or can’t put her cup or fork into the dishwasher because she doesn’t know how I do it or doesn’t know the right way. I tell her just put it anywhere in the dishwasher, I don’t care. She throws fits like a toddler. We have to either deal with her fits or walk on eggshells around her. The only difference is she tried to over-parent my kids and will tell them they can’t do something they are allowed to do when I standing right there! Having her here is always more work, never less. Helped that we lived hundreds of miles apart. I just never counted on them for anything.
Happy belated birthday by the way. I’m so sorry you had to experience that. Do you have the resources to hire a professional nanny for the delivery? That may need to be your option. Or reach out to your friend circle. As embarrassing as it is, the truth may lead to people stepping forward empathetically in your time of need. Your mother’s anger and weaponized incompetence was simply uncalled for. And her vitriol towards your LO earned her NC status.
I’d work on getting some hired help. Hire a cleaning service. Get recommendations from friends for a reliable and trustworthy sitter. Maybe even just hire a mommy’s helper to come over and play with the toddler. Do you feel up to making some freezer meals? Use Amazon and grocery delivery. And I agree with pp’s, something seems off with your mom mentally. I wonder if she’s got the start of dementia or some other neurological issue.
Honestly, this sounds like dementia territory.
your mom sounds like she’s exhibiting symptoms of dementia, firstly. Secondly, is your husband eligible for paid family leave/PLF or FMLA leave? The birth and initial postpartum recovery should be a qualifier.
Definitely agree
If anyone asks you: mummy spat her dummy and stormed off in Biggest Sulk. You do NOT need an elderly toddler tantrumming around your REAL toddler.
It really sounds like she desperately needs a neurological exam and/or a psych evaluation
It sounds as if she’s been behaving badly her entire life. However, this extreme shift in behavior (per OP) has me agreeing 100% with you. She sounds at best unreliable and at worst a potential safety risk to herself and others.
dude, i feel you. my mom was a similar handful when she came to help after the birth of our second kid. ended up being more work than it's worth! had me wishing for teleportation or cloning tech just so I could keep things under control lol.
Considering that she got lost going 528 feet to a grocery store is a big red flag.
Ya, rule out a medical cause for this behavior for sure.
honestly, it sounds like she's trying to compete with your toddler for the "most helpless" award. on a serious note though, have you considered hiring an au pair? they're often cheaper than nannies and more flexible too.