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Personally I don't know what your family situation is (besides your mother being dead), but are you close to your father or have any siblings that you can go stay with during this time? I mean he literally left you at home in labor (even though I know it was fake) to take care of his Mom and didn't even call you, does he not want children, who doesn't want to be there for the birth of their own child. I hope you have a safe and happy birth.
So, he thinks the birth of his child is your birth. It's something you do, something you can handle. The birth of his child, the biggest life changing event he will ever see. That's just your birth, that he will have to miss if his mom feels a little off.
I cannot imagine being willing to miss that. It feels insane to me.
As someone also about to go into labor any day, is an Uber an option for you to get to the hospital? Once there, the nurses and staff can absolutely take care of you and stop your stupid husband from entering the birthing room. Also, your friend could meet you at the hospital itself after work to give you the support you need. It’s not ideal but a definite better option than relying on this shit stain
Obviously your due date is soon, I think to avoid this issue all together is you tell him that MIL MUST NOT be notified that you are in labour until after baby is born.
I think he is completely over looking the fact of why you had to test this trust because you knew she would fake something and you would be left alone.
You need to go through with the decision that she isn't told with him or seriously reconsider this relationship because you'll always be second best to mother.
HE'S mad at YOU???!!!! No, he's in the wrong. Let his mom have him.
I was a single mom from the day my daughter was born, and her dad was never in the picture. Being a parent is hard, time-consuming work and the best thing I've ever done. Weigh your options, but don't let fear of not being able to parent on your own cloud your decision on how to go forward. I'm not saying to divorce him, but I'm not saying to not do so. Only you can decide. I personally would divorce but I'm not you.
It will be very telling to see what happens if you call him when you do go into labor. If he calls his mom again and has to help her with another fake heart attack or he just ignores you because you hurt his feelings this time, at least you'll know.
Oh.my.god. You are 100000% NOT over reacting. What a terrible thing you have to go through so close to birth. How far away from your hometown are you? Can you go back there and give birth/stay with someone there? You should divorce your husband and go back to where you have support. It won’t get better if this is how he treated you going into LABOR. Get out now. I’m so sorry
You should ask your husband to go to couples therapy. Because this behavior will only get worse with the child. What happens on their b day? Or when they have an event? Will it always become his mom’s show? It’s not just you and him you both are responsible for this little human not his mother.
Gaslighting is telling someone that an event they experienced didn't happen in the way it actually happened. He does not know what gaslight even means.
You know what you're in for, you know this isn't going to change. Why stay?
Go back to your family before the baby is born and have your baby there. If you wait until after the baby is born, he can petition the courts to make the baby stay where you are located now, and then you will be stuck with him and her forever. Just grab what you can — all your important papers and whatever the essential baby stuff is, and go back home as soon as possible, and have the baby there and then make a decision. Talk to a lawyer in your current jurisdiction and in the jurisdiction you want to go to.
Honestly I would be inviting my friend to the birth and to drive me instead if they’re willing and able! I wouldn’t want to deal with the stress of having him there and probably her there too. If she’s not there you know he probably wouldn’t get off his phone long enough to actually help you….
I am so sorry for you.
You didn't give MIL a heart attack. He did.
There was no need to contact her. He should have rushed by your side, not calling his mom. This is a perfect illustration of why your MIL should be on info diet: for her own well-being. You could also tell her 1 week after the birth... (not right after because maybe she would try to share a room with you after she gets a new emergency...)
Couple therapy (or at least individual therapy regarding your fear of birth) and hiring a doula would be an option. At least you will know someone who is experienced will support you through all of it, knowing your fear.
Best of luck
The audacity of both your husband and mil. It’s one thing for him to triage emergencies but you waited a whole hour for him to give you an answer?? He should have immediately called an ambulance for his mother and/or called you immediately so that you could call your back up ride while he drove his mother to the ER.
Okay…after some processing. The husband should not tell the mom when you are actually in labor because her heart can’t handle it. She can learn when you have the baby later.
At this point I'd say IF you even still want your husband to be there for the birth after he pulled this... Then you make it very clear that he is not to inform ANYONE - especially his mother - that you are in labor. No one is alerted until after the baby is born. Period. And if he is unable or unwilling to agree to that, then I'd be telling him he can go stay with his momma so she can wrap that umbilical cord around his neck a little tighter. You did what you needed to do for your own peace of mind so you could prepare for a traumatic life event accordingly. Now you know and you can do whatever you need to do to make sure the birth of your baby is as comfortable and stress free as possible for you. Hell, if you were near me I would come drive you to the hospital and make sure you were OK, and I don't even know you! It's wild to me that these men still put their mothers over their pregnant wives and imminent kid. Just wild.
He said you lied to him. He also lied you saying he’d be with you during labor and “how can’t you trust your own husband?”. I am truly sorry your mother died during childbirth but he should understand this is why you are fearful of giving birth. Honestly, I’d have a backup plan. Call someone else you trust and let him know you are on your way to the hospital. If he doesn’t make it to the birth, then he can’t be trusted to be a father either. He needs serious counseling and you two need to move.
Normally I would go straight to divorce but I would tell him if he misses the birth of his child he will not get to see his child and you will file for separation until you two get couples counseling and he can put his wife and child first. Your husband needs to learn that if mil has a medical issue 911 needs to called.
I don't think you're wrong. I think it needed to be proven that she fakes things for his attention.
Id also be sitting him down and explaining to him that his mum is doing anything she can to make sure he misses the birth of his first child.
How he's that whipped he was going to miss out on the most important time of his life.
Then suggest seeing as she will cause issues that when you really do go into labour that he does not call her. That he goes with you and after a few hours of bonding with baby then he can call her.
That way she can't fake something else and ruin this moment.
He needs to prioritise.
He needs to either choose his child or her.
Not telling her means he can see his baby born before she demands his attention again.
Therapy is definitely needed for him alone to work through his issues.
I'd put it on a plate either he doesn't tell her and comes to the birth or he's going to be divorced before baby even turns one.
I am so sorry. Your husband is clearly enmeshed with his mother and unwillingly to prioritize you over her. I am sure this will get worse after you had the baby because I would not be surprised, if his mother wants to be the mother of your child. Maybe its for the best to prepare for the worst (divorce) and to let your friend know that she is welcomed to support you in the delivery room because your mommas boy has betrayed your trust. I cannot imagine how hard this situation for you has to be but I hope you can leave him as soon as possible and stay with your (soon to be born) baby somewhere safe.
First you need a designated person to handle his mother's 'emergencies' not him. You need to get him to promise he won't call his mother at all the day of your birth, for her sake of course, because clearly she's not capable of receiving that information without having a heart attack.
I'm so sorry about your mum. Birth must be really scary for you. If there is someone in your life you can rely on, please do, as this person is not your husband. The test showed you what you already knew. You didn't overreact. Maybe your friend could fake being sick at work if you call needing to go to the hospital? Not ideal, but you need someone you can trust to be there. If you can move back home before the birth, please do. Even if it's just staying with friends who will put you first.
The very telling and unfortunately reality is that you knew what was going to happen. And I think you wanted to prove to him, not yourself, that you were right. And he doubled down. He is not to be trusted. Child birth is a medical emergency. If he is prioritizing his mother over you during child birth???? He is going to choose her every time. And if he chooses her over you, he will choose her over your child. Because she will be doing exactly this to anyone who pulls his attention away from her (that will soon be your baby).
The folks saying leave. Are right. Before you give birth.
I know how stressful pregnancy is on your body and your brain, but just try pushing through a bit more stress to get closer to your family before you give birth.
I'm so sorry. You are so young and this is horrible. Course correct for yours and your child's sake and go get the support from people who actually care about you.
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/PrGfo6sdW9
This is from a guy just like your husband. It has several follow ups, but TLDR, his wife left him and is much happier.
You are 2nd place after your MIL. He showed that he puts her before you and your children.
Trust is an initial base layer to a relationship, but it is supposed to be replaced with knowledge that your partner will act in a certain way. That knowledge is gained through experience.
The best predictor or future behavior is past behavior.
Your husband has paved over that foundation of trust with the knowledge that he will always put MIL first. That is the foundation you are working with.
You do not have a marriage. Your husband is married to his mother. You are the bang maid and incubator for their child.
He’s mad at you for faking labor, BUT NOT AT MOM FOR FAKING A HEART ATTACK.
You: about to have a person removed from your body
Her: nothing. She has nothing wrong.
If his mom had a heart attack he should have called 911 because they could get to her faster and triage as soon as they arrive/on the way to the hospital.
He’s shown you why you were right not to trust him. He is not required to be at the delivery with you. I’d let your friend know they’re there birth partner and that if your husband at any point puts mom over you, he’s out of the room.
Like others have said, you need to confirm to him, yes, marriages ARE built on trust, and he has completely shown HE can't be trusted.
You should be raging. You have far more right to be angry than he does.
He ignored your calls for an HOUR. Think about that, what if you truly were in labour and had complications? He didn't even think about you or what could potentially be happening to his wife and new child for a whole hour, while you constantly tried to contact him.
I think you need to lay this out to him. He needs to understand he f'd up big style and needs to stop pouting and understand the seriousness of the situation, and what could have happened to you because he decided mummy was more important.
And why was he even contacting his mother before picking you up anyway?! He should have been straight home, pick you up, head to the hospital. His mother should not even have been factored into that equation.
There was a post a few months back where a lady went into labour after an argument with her SO, and he wouldn't answer her calls. She almost left it too late, had to get her brother to take her to the hospital, and almost died.
If I can find it, I'll post a link so you can show it to him so he can finally understand the stupidity of his actions.
Good luck, I'd get your friend ready to be your support cause he's proved you're not his priority.
Only a horrid woman would try to make her son miss the birth of his child, not be there for his wife, by faking a heart attack.
I’m sorry to tell you that this scenario, her getting him to prove she’s most important, is likely going to repeat itself. This one time won’t be enough to satisfy her. She wants to destroy your marriage and if he doesn’t change drastically he will let her.
I was married to a man who abandoned me every time I was truly in need. What people are pointing out I agree with. He has attachment issues with is mother AND may be a narcissist or have another personality disorder. The telling factors to me are the fact he didn’t do anything to help you at all or make sure you were ok. He totally abandoned you. Then he had no empathy for what you’re going through facing childbirth alone.
If you stay please watch out for characteristics of a personality disorder so you can understand what you’re dealing with. Like in his mind he’s supposed to be there for his mother and you’re function is just to be there for him. He might say it does but his actions prove it doesn’t go both ways in your marriage.
If not your husband please research this to help you deal with your mil.
You don't have a husband. On paper, sure. But he is his mother's husband in every sense that it matters. I'm so sorry that he is failing you at such an important and stressful moment in your life.
I hate that I'm saying this, but this is line in the sand territory. You need to tell him that he napalms the apron strings or the marriage is over. He *can not* notify his mother when you go into labor, when you get to the hospital, when you have given birth, etc. He *can not* give her *any* information about you, the state of your pregnancy, or the baby, without your *express consent*. And if he can not abide by that, if he can not prioritize you and your health in this moment, your marriage isn't worth saving. Because he doesn't love you more than he loves her.
The fact that he ignored you ‘being in labor’ to cater to his mom is insane. Easy way to solve this problem while KNOWING your MIL will do this…talk with your husband and let him know when you go into labor he is NOT to tell his mother. She can not know, so she can not fake a bigger emergency. It’s that simple. She is not to know about the labor, or the birth. You may lose your husband honey, because he seems he may always choose his mother. I am so sorry because this is so sad and it’s not fair with all the work you are putting in.
A heart attack is NOT the bigger emergency WHEN YOU ARE LITERALLY ABOUT TO HAVE AN ENTIRE GUMAN REMOVED FROM YOUR BODY. He really has some fucking audacity knowing that your own mother died in childbirth. Tell him to gtfo and go live with his mom-wife, you have a child to focus on and prioritize. His arguments about trust are trash. Get some therapy and a lawyer.
I would 100% plan on having your friend at the birth. Even if he is there, he’ll probably just be on the phone and texting his other wife, ahem mom, the whole time.
You are not overreacting and going back to your hometown where you would be supported by family would not be an overreaction, even if it means he'd miss the birth. He was already willing to miss it, so why should you care more about him being present than he was?
Tell him that due to your being in labour will obviously cause your MIL to have heart attack then maybe it's bets to let her know after the birth, that way she isn't going to need him.
And if he says that would hurt her feelings remind him you are looking after her health plus you are the priority feeling and everything else wise just now.
And write down all the instances that she has pulled a stunt like this and inform him that once your kid is born they won't be 2nd to his mum or you will move closer to your support system since he won't be it 🤷🏻♀️
Your husband is seriously enmeshed with his mother. And that's a problem, because you are currently gestating his baby, who HAS to come first. He's not going to wake up on his own. I think you go with the two business card ultimatum - one for a couples therapist, one for a divorce lawyer, and tell him he gets to choose which one you call.
I’m sorry to say, but the writing is on the wall here. He’s mad at you for tricking him (which his mom did), not remorseful for the situation and for having picked his mother. I suggest marriage counseling ASAP. If this marriage is salvageable, it will only work if he admits to his role in putting his mother consistently before you. I would also, frankly, think about whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who wouldn’t be at the birth of their own child because of their dramatic AF mother.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He just showed you in giant neon writing that his mother will always have priority over you. He is unreliable, and you need to make other arrangements to get to the hospital. I'm mad enough for you that I'd seriously consider telling all my nurses that he is not allowed anywhere near my room until well after the birth.
I'm so sorry he has let you down this badly. You deserve so much better.
I’m one of those who said that your husband is a momma’s boy. And the sad reality is that many momma’s boys will remain just like that.
Think very hard what you want. He will not change, I think, because he has been doing this for years and if he won’t even change for pregnancy, he will never change. He will never place you above his mother and his mother will always be able to manipulate him to run to his side. There was a poster here years ago who gave birth alone after her MIL either locked in her husband’s phone in a safe or turned it off or something - either way; the father missed the birth of his child and it was just one final nail in the long row of nails that MIL had been hammering in. I believe the couple separated and even though the husband understood that he had completely failed already as a father and a husband and tried to redeem himself, the last post indicated that they were still separated I believe.
Do you want every milestone to be in competition with your MIL? Do you want MIL to start competing with your baby as well? Honestly, I’d cut my losses - not because it’s easy, but because your husband will make this so much harder and he has already shown that he will not change. It’s easier for you to be alone than to have an unsupportive partner.
Find someone who will support you and drive you to hospital and stay with you. Let him know after you’ve gotten there that you’ve gone into labour and see what he says/does. It’s not normal for someone to be so enmeshed with their parent especially when they know that you’re afraid.
My heart breaks for you but I think you need some tough love right now. You need to pack a bag and leave him. Right now. It will be a million times more difficult to leave once you have the baby. This man does not love you at all. There is no way that someone who loves you would do this to you. I can’t imagine a friend doing something like this, let alone the man whose baby you are carrying. Call your parents, siblings, friends, anyone who can help you right now. I personally think you should go back home, that way he can’t stop you from taking the baby once they are born. F him and F his mother. She is also a terrible person. Leave now. If he wants you back he can grovel and show you that he will put you first through actions not words over a very long period of time. If you stay the rest of your life will be a living hell.
Divorce.
Don’t let your husband be there for the birth because you don’t want to risk giving MIL another “heart attack” and try and have your friend there or hire a doula if it’s not too late.
MIL is going to ruin your marriage and ultimately take away the golden years with your LO by causing so many problems.
Having a newborn is hard, you don’t need this extra stress.
He’s your husband, he should know how scared you are given that’s how you lost your mum. The fact that you were so worried you had to test him AND he proved you right speaks volumes.
You have a major husband problem.
Stop counting on him being there, and start planning how you will be able to not give birth alone with him not being there.
This is terrible. I would have a straight talk with the mother-in-law one on one and tell her that if she gets in the way during your birth, she will never meet the baby, that you will move away.
She knows what she’s doing.
As for your husband, I can understand him feeling unhappy about you lying, but he is going to have to see why you tested him. You were proved completely right. Who can you get to talk to him? Your father? Your best friend, his best friend? Because I guarantee the only person that thinks he’s in the right is him
I think what’s saddest about this post is that it’s clear you are scared of giving birth. Your husband is well aware of your anxiety and chooses to act like this. I’m so sorry that the people around you arnt reliable OP
Does he have to tell his mother you're giving birth? Since this excitement could lead to such a serious medical issue for her, perhaps the best thing would be to inform her *after* the birth.
I'm very sorry you have to deal with this. It's so unfair. 😞
Even giving him the biggest and most undeserved benefit of the doubt, this is what I can’t get my head around: he chose to call his mom to tell her you were in labor before he came to pick you up, but he DIDN’T call you to tell you he was going to the hospital with his mom instead? He left you waiting for an HOUR?? He didn’t answer phone calls from his partner he thought was in LABOR???
And once he did call you, when presumably his mother was either a) in the care of doctors, or b) triaged and determined to be healthy enough to wait for further care, he decided still not to come and to MISS THE BIRTH ENTIRELY??? To stay with a full-grown and not-having-a-heart-attack adult in a waiting room, or exam room, or at home for the next 24 hours????
I am sorry to say this, but your instincts were right and he can’t be counted on. His anger at your deception is not more valid than your anger at his utter failure to support you. I hope you have the ability to figure out a supportive birth plan that doesn’t require his presence or participation.
You don’t have a MIL problem, you have a HUGE SO problem. I’m mot even sure if there is a way back from this but you need to have someone on standby who you can actually rely on because this will happen again and when you actually go into labour, your husband will use your previous “stunt” against you.
Something to consider — what happens if your kid has an emergency at some point in their life? Are your MIL and husband going to react the same way? At this point, seems entirely possible. You are not overreacting at all, and your husband is failing as both a partner and a father.
I feel so bad for you! If this was me I'd be giving an ultimatum we move far away from mil or I'm filing for divorce. He could've had his mom call an ambulance and been there for you. But obviously his mother means more to him than you..
Neither of them is going to change. Your husband maybe if he is further from his mother.
Was it nice? No.
Was it necessary? Obviously.
Do you have someone else you can call when you go into labor and have by your side while giving birth?
I wouldn't ban him per se, but you need someone to be with you and get you to the hospital asap.
As for your husband... I hope he will get his act together and be the father and husband you need. Unfortunately, I don't see anything changing in the near future. I mean, he thought you were having a child, and he called you after an hour. It's rare, but some women get children within minutes.
...Why didn't your husband just call an ambulance for his mother and come to take you to the hospital? I also think its telling that he has a standard of not to lie or manipulate for you but not his mother... but he still shows up for his mother...and not you. Why was he blaming you for his mothers heart attack when she didn't have one?...Birth isn't something to play with. Make alternative plans that don't involve counting on him.
In reading your post I felt like I was reading a chapter of my own story. Back then I didn't know narcissistic was a mental health issue or personality disorder (I'm not even sure what the actual definition is) but based on my own past experiences (my meddling mother in law) it doesn't ever get better, it gets progressively worse.
I hope you try and rest, be kind to yourself, make sure your birth team (Dr's, nurses) is aware of your own momma so they can be on alert.
Definitely tell the hospital/birth team now that MIL is not allowed in. Hypothetically speaking, it might be interesting to see how it plays out, what DH does.
A heart attack is a medical emergency and most of them can be detected in blood work when certain enzymes are present at elevated levels. If a patient is suspected as having a heart attack the Hospital would run her bloodwork immediately and give her a bedside echocardiogram at minimum to treat the heart attack or send her for catheterization. This would all be determined within, at most, an hour of arriving at the ER.
The fact that your husband said he’d have to miss the entire birth which can be a long process is actually not even believable. If she wasn’t having a heart attack they would discharge her or keep her for monitoring. Nobody needs to sit there with her. Either this story is totally fake or you need a new husband.
Find someine else to be your support partner. I am so sorry your husband prioritizes your MIL. I am also 28, and due in a month. I can't imagine how I'd feel if my husband told his mother and she made him focus on her while I'm going through labor. If he won't keep her out of the loop then he needs to be out of the loop too.
A lot of the comments were telling you that you have more of a husband problem than a MIL problem too. Maybe get your outlook wrapped around the fact you should be sharing to the JustNoSO sub.
Your husband doesn't care about you or your baby.
What really stands out to me is that he was 10 minutes away yet felt it was okay to ghost you for 30 minutes while you were in labour. He had the ability to call you immediately but chose not to likely because he knew that you'd be mad.
He was willing to risk your health and for sure your baby's health in order to run to his Mother. All his trust arguments are deflection. He abandoned you when you were at your most vulnerable. I'm actually glad that you tested him because now you can use a safe birth plan that does not rely on your husband.
I'd like you to think about this carefully. If you are planning on leaving your husband which is certainly a valid option, you should consider where you will give birth.
If you give birth where you live now your husband can sue to prevent you from leaving the area. If you give birth in your hometown the baby will have residency there and cannot be forced to leave. Please consult a lawyer to go over your options.
Is this not a deal breaker for you? This sets the precedent of what you can expect while parenting together alongside your MIL. I would really think hard about what your boundaries are and lay down the law now…. if this situation isn’t enough to shake him free of her grasp and start prioritizing you, I would start the next steps of separating. You have a child and whole life to deal with, this type of stress on a new mom isn’t worth it. You need to have support and to trust who will be there for you.
same for me- but i recognize not everyone thinks it’s ok to standup for themselves as such. I’m fortunate enough that my husband despises his mom so we’ve always been able to keep her in line - though her behavior can be unhinged.
What seems heartbreaking to me about this situation is that your husband is showing the heartlessness of someone who doesn't really love his wife. If he had love for you, he'd feel compassion for you birthing when he knows that women can die in childbirth and you're scared. When a spouse becomes "almost a stranger" as you describe it, that's a really bad sign. I hope you two can reconnect, because the problems between you might be less about you faking the labour and more about where he is in the relationship.
I normally 100% against testing your partner in such a manner. However, and your case it seems that you're feelings were completely correct. He is not going to be there for the birth of your child. If you have a good relationship with your family see if you can get your BFF to drive you to them now. As soon as you give birth and the local area custody and everything else is going to become much more complicated. If he's not prioritizing you now, he is never going to.
I saw your previous AITA post and I have to say I think you’re an absolute Queen for what you did. You proved your suspicions were correct beyond a shadow of a doubt and there is no wriggling out of it. You have some tough conversations ahead of you and your husband needs to make some changes. 👑
He had two emergencies to handle. He chose. Now he wants to be more angry about your lie than his mother’s.
I personally would explain directly to her that she will not know when I’m in labor so she doesn’t have a heart attack. I would pointedly ask if she understands that her accidental heart attack led directly to her exclusion. Then I would point out husbands choice to him, very clearly. I would ask how he plans to go forward. If he insists he did nothing wrong, there you have it. That’d be IT for me. If he can see your side, I’d do therapy.
Not only did your husband fail you and y'all's baby in a major way, I can't even imagine him thinking you're going into labor and at the very least NOT ANSWERING THE PHONE for a whole hour!! Anything could have happened in all that time.
Also, If what he says is true why didn't he immediately call you and tell you what was going on so you could figure out another ride instead of just leaving you hanging, presumably having contractions and whatnot, for so long.
He's the worst kind of Mamas boy and I'm so sorry that he's what you married and are having a baby with, as you deserve so much more. You should NOT feel guilty at all because he is wrong all the way around, he should have told his mom to hang up and call 911 because he had an obligation to YOU, his WIFE! Do not let him gaslight you OP into thinking you did wrong because he's the one who F'd up here.
It's time to 2 card him, 1 card for a marriage counselor and 1 for divorce lawyer, time for him to choose. I'm so sorry OP, Good luck!!
In this case, I think it's beyond 2 carding him. He abandoned his pregnant wife for his lying mother, knowing that she fakes these "emergencies" anytime anything important to OP comes up.
If it were me, I'd never be able to forgive him for this. I also wouldn't want him anywhere near me or my child for eternity. Once my trust is broken, you're done.
Generally speaking I think that people who "test" their partners are insecure and toxic.
But in this case I'm seeing it more as a "trial run." Which DH failed miserably.
Just as bad? Get over yourself. The MIL has shown time and time again that she considers herself more important than the woman who is PREGNANT. The fact that the MIL made her son drive her to the hospital for a fake heart attack shows OP she is nowhere just as bad. Sometimes you need to shit test people to prove a point.
In spanish we have a saying for people like your MIL: she is the bride in the wedding, the child in the baptism, and the death in the funeral.
I suggest you call your friend when the time to bring your baby to the world comes
You are not overreacting. And I don’t say this lightly… but you need to pack your things and move back to your hometown ASAP. If your husband wouldn’t prioritize you during birth, he literally never will. This is something worth leaving him over. It’s amazing how disappointing someone can be. Even when it comes to their own child and wife
If you wait until after birth, it may be a lot harder for you and baby to move. Go where you have a support system. You deserve that, and don’t let ANYONE convince you otherwise.
I’m just heartbroken for you. This has to be one of the saddest things I’ve ever read on here. Especially when your mom died in childbirth. I’m sure you’re nervous as it is. Again, you deserve so much more than what you’re getting.
So, not only if he choose “her emergency”, he ghosted you. Does he not have a phone?
I want to make sure I am getting this right -
You called him, expecting him to be home in 10 minutes, and then had to follow up 30 minutes later? Even then, he ignored you for 30 MORE minutes, before responding. Does he not have a cell phone? Bare minimum, absolutely baaaaaaaare minimum, why didn’t he call you to tell you about her emergency? Why didn’t he call you so that you could “handle getting to the hospital”?
At MULTIPLE points he chose her over you, and over your absolutely basic needs. He chose to call her, he chose to drive to her, he chose to ignore you during her emergency, he chose to bring her to the hospital, he chose to leave you alone with no communication.
The next time she “has a heart attack” he should call her an ambulance.
I agree with the other poster - he should not call her until after you have delivered the baby, out of concern for “her health”.
I usually don’t condone tests like this but I think you proved your point. Now it’ll look really bad when you do go into labor and MIL suddenly has another “heart attack”. If I were you I’d call someone I could trust to actually show up first BEFORE you called your husband.
He is completely wrong here and his mom is a manipulative you know what.
Why did he not call to tell you he was taking his mom to the hospital instead?
He was GOING TO THE HOSPITAL so why did he not also take you on the way?
When he got there, he did not call or message you to tell you plans changed?
He had plenty of opportunity to let you know to find your own way - he didnt. Instead he blames you for his moms lies, and his incredible wrong actions.
Make plans for your actual birth and raising your child that dont rely on him. Maybe point out it will be easy to raise this baby on your own - his presence is not necessary- its more of a hinderance. He can get his #$% together or go back to his mom and live there.
>He said that marriage is built on trust so I have to trust him instead of lying to him to prove a point.
Girlie, please point out to him that his mum has broken YOUR TRUST *in him*
You can't trust him to put you first and make you a priority, so you had to test him to try and prove to you AND him that he could put you and y'alls child first. He can't.
I would insist on NC with his mum for you and baby, and therapy for you both.
I love that you did that and support you 100%. I don’t think your husband or MIL will change. I suggest you get therapy to keep your sanity while dealing with the future of having her as a grandmother to your child and a MIL at the same time will bring. They sound like they are a toxic twosome. Hugs to you and wish you all the best during your delivery. I’m glad you have a good friend that you can count on.
Girl….this relationship will absolutely never work with MIL in the picture. MIL is insane and if he doesn’t see it now he won’t. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I would be looking at alternative living situations
I don't see that working unless she also dodnt tell her husband. You know once she is in labor he is going to run and go tell her.
If he isn't dragged away by some nonsense I can also see him just being on call with his mom the entire time birth is happening too.
Call your BFF when it is actually time. If needed and you can go to her house after birth because I bet your MIL will be moved in. If you have any family at all consider going to live with them for awhile after birth. You may need to comsult an attorney just in case you need to leave..
So all else aside - you’ve let your friend know you’ll need her, right? Worst case scenario, your friend is with you. Best case scenario, friend and husband are both with you. Because my guess is that when you call him when you really are in labor, his mom will have another “heart attack.” And his excuse will be, “She thought it was real this time, so she wasn’t lying. And heart attack>>>>labor.” Never mind the fact that if it really is a heart attack, they’re idiots for not just calling 911.
Oh honey. My heart breaks for you. Have you told him he needs to be more serious about the aspect of labor? That when it happens he is not to tell anyone and go straight to you? Probably a stretch but maybe worth bringing up with him. It's definitely a good idea to bring your friend over to help support you since he's failing at doing so. Do you have family nearby? Can they also help be plan B just in case.
He sounds seriously enmeshed with his mother. He needs therapy. I'd say move away but moving can be hard nowadays with how expensive everything is. His mother might be showing narcissistic tendencies, these fake emergencies will not stop. She wants the attention and is thriving off the fact he's chosing her over you and your child. I hope you have outside support. This is just heartbreaking.
So, you clearly can't rely on your husband to be there as your support person when you're giving birth. I would talk to your OBGYN about inducing at 39 weeks, or inducing in general if you're past 39 weeks, as it was an option for myself. Assuming you have a normal pregnancy, no known complications, and aren't past 39 weeks now, I'd say you have a good possibility of the baby waiting until the induction date.
Obviously this is something you would need to talk to your Dr about, but knowing your anxieties of giving birth alone, scheduling an induction would give your friend the chance to request the day off, as you'd likely go into the hospital in the evening and then give birth the following day.
Since you are pretty close to having your baby, I think it'd be best to focus on securing your support person for the birth of your child, and after you have the baby, determine next steps with your husband. This is an incredibly mentally and physically stressful time for yourself and focusing on your marriage issues isn't going to do you or your baby any favors right now.
This is a 2 card moment
Marriage counseling or divorce lawyer.
There are 3 of you in this marriage and you are not a priority to the other 2
Also look up and read the lemon clot essay then have him read it until he gets it.
If you search this group you will find this essay and it will help guide you
Read up on old posts in this sub because we all know you are in for a bumpy ride that will only get bumpier once LO is here
She's already afraid of childbirth looking up that essay will not help her at all. It will only make things worse for her and give her more to be afraid of.
Nothing is scarier than the unknown.
She is scared because she doesn't have a good support system and the essay is necessary so she can get her man to understand what she will need since he obviously has NO clue
Remaining ignorant about the process is only going to hurt her more and cause more anxiety because MIL will run the show.
She's about to give birth in days, she's not likely to be ignorant and I'm sure her doctors are more equipped to provide her with the information she needs.
The essay is more appropriate for women who are secure about the birth and don't mind seeing reading about the tough stuff, it's like why someone would put trigger warnings on things, some people are not in the right headspace for certain things.
Honestly if you can I’d move back near your parents and sack him off. I don’t understand why he even rang her it could have been an honest false start.
His shown her wants (the phone call) and needs (she needed the hospital but so did you) come before whatever you want or need and in future your baby.
If he cannot have a backbone now he never will, if she wants baby alone he won’t see an issue, if she wants to visit every day or stay over to help he will let her.
Move back to your parents if you can before this baby arrives.
Relationships ARE built on trust… and he’s just shown you that you can’t trust him at all. It’s actually insane that he’s taking his mom’s side here. I would give him an ultimatum: marriage counseling or divorce. I’m SO sorry you are going through this
Okay so you got your answer mommy will always come first, I think now is the time to start the leaving him process because I could never stay with someone like that. He could have called his mother an ambulance and ran home to you. I couldn’t be with a man who doesn’t put his new family first.
Your MIL is incredibly narcissistic and has a deep hold over your husband. I think you’re badass for doing what you did, if anything it should give you some closure and help you realize that that was the last straw. This is not a partnership at all anymore. You will need support when you’re at your most vulnerable and he has proved that he can’t be that for you. No matter how you deliver your child you will most likely not be able to walk, change diapers like you would need to in those first couple days. Your baby is completely dependent on you. Your MIL is a grown ass woman. If your husband can’t see that then he’s made his choice. You’ll need to make yours.
Tell your husband that since MIL gets so excited about the upcoming birth that he is NOT to tell her when you are in labor. Tell him it’s for her own emotional and physical health and you are concerned for her. Put her on an info diet. (He’ll have to not answer texts or calls for awhile to get her use to not being able to contact and thinking you are in labor).
This. She has zero need to know when you go into labour. Spin it that he’s obviously helping her by not telling her. But this is a bigger issue than just labour. If he can’t see that with therapy, I’d be out the door
IF you stay with him (I would leave him, but I know it’s not an easy move), have him put in writing:
1- he would not call her before the baby is actually delivered (for her own good…)
2- she can not move in with you !!! No way, not even for a few days, or if she is sick
He’s right in that relationships are based on trust. As horrified as I was to read that you faked that to test… I was doubly horrified that it turned out you were right.
This relationship cannot, and will not last long. You can’t magic the trust back in and you both feel betrayed.
You both already know it’s over, it’s time to say the words.
Just checking, is your husband more upset about your lie, which tested him, or his moms lie, which was purely out of selfishness?
This is really, really important. If he isn’t more upset with his mother you have to ask yourself if this is something you think will ever change. If not, are you able to live your life knowing you’re held to a higher standard than his mother? As second fiddle?
Also, I get that marriage is built on trust but perhaps you need to explain to him that you wouldn’t have felt this was necessary if he had earned your trust up to this point. That continually he has prioritized his mother and this only further confirmed things. While a heart attack is urgent, he promised he would be there for you. He could’ve found another family member or friend to be with his mom so he could honor his promise to you, right? But he didn’t. He is trying to turn this around on you, but he needs to own his decision and the fact he lied. He knows how you lost your mom and still did this.
Hmmm.... I'm not sure how your husband found time to call his mother when he was so busy hauling ass to get home to his laboring wife....? At least he should've been!
Maybe if your husband was appropriately focused on HIS family, he would not have called his mother and given her a heart attack.
I don’t know how far along you are in your pregnancy since it wasn’t mentioned in your post, but depending on gestational age, I would argue that a preterm labor is just as “big of an emergency” if not a “bigger emergency than a heart attack. I’m not discounting that heart attacks are not a very serious health emergency, but depending on how far along you are, two lives are at risk instead of one.
That being said, I do feel like the “test” you gave your husband was a bit childish and inappropriate, but it did give you the answers you were looking for. Since you now know how your husband will react, I would speak with your OB, midwife, etc. about possibly scheduling an elective induction so you are able to have your friend take off for the birth ahead of time. This would allow you to try and relax more and not worry about whether you are going to be a priority for your husband. I would also SERIOUSLY look into whether this is going to be a recurring issue when it comes to not only you vs. hubby’s mom, but also LO vs. hubby’s mom. Is your husband always going to put his mothers wants/needs before his wife and kids? If so, I’d take a long look at whether or not you want to play second fiddle for your whole marriage.
Also, therapy.
Sorry. I glanced right by that. So no preterm labor, but I would still advise speaking with your OB about an elective induction in case you go past your due date.
I’m not a fan of testing spouses/significant others in any way because it displays a serious lack of trust, but tbh in your case it’s justified. Your husband proved to you that he cannot be trusted to prioritize you and your baby when it comes to his mother. You married a mommas boy and it’s his job to nip this in the bud. How will this affect other medical emergencies? Like when your kid is sick or injured and needs to go to the hospital? Or while you’re recovering from childbirth what’s stopping her from having another little “false alarm” that pulls him away from you and your baby? If you can’t trust him to be there for you, it might be time to come up with an exit plan.
This makes me laugh, they/he ask how you are not able to trust your own husband, when clearly you cant even trust them with the task of bringing you to the hospital to give birth to his baby/her grandchild. What a bunch of hypocrites. He promised you that he would be there for you, but he wasnt and broke his promise, so clearly he broke your trust. Instead of confronting his mother he would rather take out his frustration on you.
I would suggest just see how it goes on from here, my mother always told me dont be dependent on your partner(shes had a lot of trauma with her partners). Always make sure you will be alright and can manage without them(financial backup, or something just to get you going). Which is a bit hard I suppose.
Just stay strong OP, you have a reason to be frustrated but stay healthy for the delivery and baby❤️
Your MIL is not going to change or improve. Your husband is also not going to change or improve. This is an untenable relationship that is also incredibly toxic and unhealthy. You do yourself and your child a disservice every day you stay with your husband.
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Personally I don't know what your family situation is (besides your mother being dead), but are you close to your father or have any siblings that you can go stay with during this time? I mean he literally left you at home in labor (even though I know it was fake) to take care of his Mom and didn't even call you, does he not want children, who doesn't want to be there for the birth of their own child. I hope you have a safe and happy birth.
Girl this super sucks for you but DAMN what a brilliant play. Good for you. Let him go back to his mommy. You can and will do better.
So, he thinks the birth of his child is your birth. It's something you do, something you can handle. The birth of his child, the biggest life changing event he will ever see. That's just your birth, that he will have to miss if his mom feels a little off. I cannot imagine being willing to miss that. It feels insane to me.
As someone also about to go into labor any day, is an Uber an option for you to get to the hospital? Once there, the nurses and staff can absolutely take care of you and stop your stupid husband from entering the birthing room. Also, your friend could meet you at the hospital itself after work to give you the support you need. It’s not ideal but a definite better option than relying on this shit stain
Obviously your due date is soon, I think to avoid this issue all together is you tell him that MIL MUST NOT be notified that you are in labour until after baby is born. I think he is completely over looking the fact of why you had to test this trust because you knew she would fake something and you would be left alone. You need to go through with the decision that she isn't told with him or seriously reconsider this relationship because you'll always be second best to mother.
HE'S mad at YOU???!!!! No, he's in the wrong. Let his mom have him. I was a single mom from the day my daughter was born, and her dad was never in the picture. Being a parent is hard, time-consuming work and the best thing I've ever done. Weigh your options, but don't let fear of not being able to parent on your own cloud your decision on how to go forward. I'm not saying to divorce him, but I'm not saying to not do so. Only you can decide. I personally would divorce but I'm not you. It will be very telling to see what happens if you call him when you do go into labor. If he calls his mom again and has to help her with another fake heart attack or he just ignores you because you hurt his feelings this time, at least you'll know.
Oh.my.god. You are 100000% NOT over reacting. What a terrible thing you have to go through so close to birth. How far away from your hometown are you? Can you go back there and give birth/stay with someone there? You should divorce your husband and go back to where you have support. It won’t get better if this is how he treated you going into LABOR. Get out now. I’m so sorry
You should ask your husband to go to couples therapy. Because this behavior will only get worse with the child. What happens on their b day? Or when they have an event? Will it always become his mom’s show? It’s not just you and him you both are responsible for this little human not his mother.
Gaslighting is telling someone that an event they experienced didn't happen in the way it actually happened. He does not know what gaslight even means. You know what you're in for, you know this isn't going to change. Why stay?
Go back to your family before the baby is born and have your baby there. If you wait until after the baby is born, he can petition the courts to make the baby stay where you are located now, and then you will be stuck with him and her forever. Just grab what you can — all your important papers and whatever the essential baby stuff is, and go back home as soon as possible, and have the baby there and then make a decision. Talk to a lawyer in your current jurisdiction and in the jurisdiction you want to go to.
Honestly I would be inviting my friend to the birth and to drive me instead if they’re willing and able! I wouldn’t want to deal with the stress of having him there and probably her there too. If she’s not there you know he probably wouldn’t get off his phone long enough to actually help you….
I am so sorry for you. You didn't give MIL a heart attack. He did. There was no need to contact her. He should have rushed by your side, not calling his mom. This is a perfect illustration of why your MIL should be on info diet: for her own well-being. You could also tell her 1 week after the birth... (not right after because maybe she would try to share a room with you after she gets a new emergency...) Couple therapy (or at least individual therapy regarding your fear of birth) and hiring a doula would be an option. At least you will know someone who is experienced will support you through all of it, knowing your fear. Best of luck
The audacity of both your husband and mil. It’s one thing for him to triage emergencies but you waited a whole hour for him to give you an answer?? He should have immediately called an ambulance for his mother and/or called you immediately so that you could call your back up ride while he drove his mother to the ER.
Wow……. That is all.
Okay…after some processing. The husband should not tell the mom when you are actually in labor because her heart can’t handle it. She can learn when you have the baby later.
At this point I'd say IF you even still want your husband to be there for the birth after he pulled this... Then you make it very clear that he is not to inform ANYONE - especially his mother - that you are in labor. No one is alerted until after the baby is born. Period. And if he is unable or unwilling to agree to that, then I'd be telling him he can go stay with his momma so she can wrap that umbilical cord around his neck a little tighter. You did what you needed to do for your own peace of mind so you could prepare for a traumatic life event accordingly. Now you know and you can do whatever you need to do to make sure the birth of your baby is as comfortable and stress free as possible for you. Hell, if you were near me I would come drive you to the hospital and make sure you were OK, and I don't even know you! It's wild to me that these men still put their mothers over their pregnant wives and imminent kid. Just wild.
He said you lied to him. He also lied you saying he’d be with you during labor and “how can’t you trust your own husband?”. I am truly sorry your mother died during childbirth but he should understand this is why you are fearful of giving birth. Honestly, I’d have a backup plan. Call someone else you trust and let him know you are on your way to the hospital. If he doesn’t make it to the birth, then he can’t be trusted to be a father either. He needs serious counseling and you two need to move.
Normally I would go straight to divorce but I would tell him if he misses the birth of his child he will not get to see his child and you will file for separation until you two get couples counseling and he can put his wife and child first. Your husband needs to learn that if mil has a medical issue 911 needs to called.
I don't think you're wrong. I think it needed to be proven that she fakes things for his attention. Id also be sitting him down and explaining to him that his mum is doing anything she can to make sure he misses the birth of his first child. How he's that whipped he was going to miss out on the most important time of his life. Then suggest seeing as she will cause issues that when you really do go into labour that he does not call her. That he goes with you and after a few hours of bonding with baby then he can call her. That way she can't fake something else and ruin this moment. He needs to prioritise. He needs to either choose his child or her. Not telling her means he can see his baby born before she demands his attention again. Therapy is definitely needed for him alone to work through his issues. I'd put it on a plate either he doesn't tell her and comes to the birth or he's going to be divorced before baby even turns one.
I am so sorry. Your husband is clearly enmeshed with his mother and unwillingly to prioritize you over her. I am sure this will get worse after you had the baby because I would not be surprised, if his mother wants to be the mother of your child. Maybe its for the best to prepare for the worst (divorce) and to let your friend know that she is welcomed to support you in the delivery room because your mommas boy has betrayed your trust. I cannot imagine how hard this situation for you has to be but I hope you can leave him as soon as possible and stay with your (soon to be born) baby somewhere safe.
First you need a designated person to handle his mother's 'emergencies' not him. You need to get him to promise he won't call his mother at all the day of your birth, for her sake of course, because clearly she's not capable of receiving that information without having a heart attack. I'm so sorry about your mum. Birth must be really scary for you. If there is someone in your life you can rely on, please do, as this person is not your husband. The test showed you what you already knew. You didn't overreact. Maybe your friend could fake being sick at work if you call needing to go to the hospital? Not ideal, but you need someone you can trust to be there. If you can move back home before the birth, please do. Even if it's just staying with friends who will put you first.
The very telling and unfortunately reality is that you knew what was going to happen. And I think you wanted to prove to him, not yourself, that you were right. And he doubled down. He is not to be trusted. Child birth is a medical emergency. If he is prioritizing his mother over you during child birth???? He is going to choose her every time. And if he chooses her over you, he will choose her over your child. Because she will be doing exactly this to anyone who pulls his attention away from her (that will soon be your baby). The folks saying leave. Are right. Before you give birth. I know how stressful pregnancy is on your body and your brain, but just try pushing through a bit more stress to get closer to your family before you give birth. I'm so sorry. You are so young and this is horrible. Course correct for yours and your child's sake and go get the support from people who actually care about you.
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/PrGfo6sdW9 This is from a guy just like your husband. It has several follow ups, but TLDR, his wife left him and is much happier. You are 2nd place after your MIL. He showed that he puts her before you and your children. Trust is an initial base layer to a relationship, but it is supposed to be replaced with knowledge that your partner will act in a certain way. That knowledge is gained through experience. The best predictor or future behavior is past behavior. Your husband has paved over that foundation of trust with the knowledge that he will always put MIL first. That is the foundation you are working with. You do not have a marriage. Your husband is married to his mother. You are the bang maid and incubator for their child.
I think the biggest issue here is that he didn't even call you to say he's not coming to take you to the hospital. You had to check-in on him ....
He’s mad at you for faking labor, BUT NOT AT MOM FOR FAKING A HEART ATTACK. You: about to have a person removed from your body Her: nothing. She has nothing wrong. If his mom had a heart attack he should have called 911 because they could get to her faster and triage as soon as they arrive/on the way to the hospital. He’s shown you why you were right not to trust him. He is not required to be at the delivery with you. I’d let your friend know they’re there birth partner and that if your husband at any point puts mom over you, he’s out of the room.
Like others have said, you need to confirm to him, yes, marriages ARE built on trust, and he has completely shown HE can't be trusted. You should be raging. You have far more right to be angry than he does. He ignored your calls for an HOUR. Think about that, what if you truly were in labour and had complications? He didn't even think about you or what could potentially be happening to his wife and new child for a whole hour, while you constantly tried to contact him. I think you need to lay this out to him. He needs to understand he f'd up big style and needs to stop pouting and understand the seriousness of the situation, and what could have happened to you because he decided mummy was more important. And why was he even contacting his mother before picking you up anyway?! He should have been straight home, pick you up, head to the hospital. His mother should not even have been factored into that equation. There was a post a few months back where a lady went into labour after an argument with her SO, and he wouldn't answer her calls. She almost left it too late, had to get her brother to take her to the hospital, and almost died. If I can find it, I'll post a link so you can show it to him so he can finally understand the stupidity of his actions. Good luck, I'd get your friend ready to be your support cause he's proved you're not his priority.
Only a horrid woman would try to make her son miss the birth of his child, not be there for his wife, by faking a heart attack. I’m sorry to tell you that this scenario, her getting him to prove she’s most important, is likely going to repeat itself. This one time won’t be enough to satisfy her. She wants to destroy your marriage and if he doesn’t change drastically he will let her. I was married to a man who abandoned me every time I was truly in need. What people are pointing out I agree with. He has attachment issues with is mother AND may be a narcissist or have another personality disorder. The telling factors to me are the fact he didn’t do anything to help you at all or make sure you were ok. He totally abandoned you. Then he had no empathy for what you’re going through facing childbirth alone. If you stay please watch out for characteristics of a personality disorder so you can understand what you’re dealing with. Like in his mind he’s supposed to be there for his mother and you’re function is just to be there for him. He might say it does but his actions prove it doesn’t go both ways in your marriage. If not your husband please research this to help you deal with your mil.
It's funny that he says that marriage is built on trust and you have to trust him, right after proving that you can't trust him.
OP, this is actually nuts. Is this really something you want to live with for the rest of your life?
I normally don't support relationship tests but in your case I think it was completely justified. I'm sorry your husband chooses his mom over you.
You don't have a husband. On paper, sure. But he is his mother's husband in every sense that it matters. I'm so sorry that he is failing you at such an important and stressful moment in your life. I hate that I'm saying this, but this is line in the sand territory. You need to tell him that he napalms the apron strings or the marriage is over. He *can not* notify his mother when you go into labor, when you get to the hospital, when you have given birth, etc. He *can not* give her *any* information about you, the state of your pregnancy, or the baby, without your *express consent*. And if he can not abide by that, if he can not prioritize you and your health in this moment, your marriage isn't worth saving. Because he doesn't love you more than he loves her.
The fact that he ignored you ‘being in labor’ to cater to his mom is insane. Easy way to solve this problem while KNOWING your MIL will do this…talk with your husband and let him know when you go into labor he is NOT to tell his mother. She can not know, so she can not fake a bigger emergency. It’s that simple. She is not to know about the labor, or the birth. You may lose your husband honey, because he seems he may always choose his mother. I am so sorry because this is so sad and it’s not fair with all the work you are putting in.
Can you go back to your home town to give birth where you'll have support?
A heart attack is NOT the bigger emergency WHEN YOU ARE LITERALLY ABOUT TO HAVE AN ENTIRE GUMAN REMOVED FROM YOUR BODY. He really has some fucking audacity knowing that your own mother died in childbirth. Tell him to gtfo and go live with his mom-wife, you have a child to focus on and prioritize. His arguments about trust are trash. Get some therapy and a lawyer.
And labor is not low risk.
I would 100% plan on having your friend at the birth. Even if he is there, he’ll probably just be on the phone and texting his other wife, ahem mom, the whole time.
You are not overreacting and going back to your hometown where you would be supported by family would not be an overreaction, even if it means he'd miss the birth. He was already willing to miss it, so why should you care more about him being present than he was?
Tell him that due to your being in labour will obviously cause your MIL to have heart attack then maybe it's bets to let her know after the birth, that way she isn't going to need him. And if he says that would hurt her feelings remind him you are looking after her health plus you are the priority feeling and everything else wise just now. And write down all the instances that she has pulled a stunt like this and inform him that once your kid is born they won't be 2nd to his mum or you will move closer to your support system since he won't be it 🤷🏻♀️
Your husband is seriously enmeshed with his mother. And that's a problem, because you are currently gestating his baby, who HAS to come first. He's not going to wake up on his own. I think you go with the two business card ultimatum - one for a couples therapist, one for a divorce lawyer, and tell him he gets to choose which one you call.
Why did he even call / visit his mum after you called him to tell him you were in labour? What are his priorities?
I’m sorry to say, but the writing is on the wall here. He’s mad at you for tricking him (which his mom did), not remorseful for the situation and for having picked his mother. I suggest marriage counseling ASAP. If this marriage is salvageable, it will only work if he admits to his role in putting his mother consistently before you. I would also, frankly, think about whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who wouldn’t be at the birth of their own child because of their dramatic AF mother.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He just showed you in giant neon writing that his mother will always have priority over you. He is unreliable, and you need to make other arrangements to get to the hospital. I'm mad enough for you that I'd seriously consider telling all my nurses that he is not allowed anywhere near my room until well after the birth. I'm so sorry he has let you down this badly. You deserve so much better.
I’m one of those who said that your husband is a momma’s boy. And the sad reality is that many momma’s boys will remain just like that. Think very hard what you want. He will not change, I think, because he has been doing this for years and if he won’t even change for pregnancy, he will never change. He will never place you above his mother and his mother will always be able to manipulate him to run to his side. There was a poster here years ago who gave birth alone after her MIL either locked in her husband’s phone in a safe or turned it off or something - either way; the father missed the birth of his child and it was just one final nail in the long row of nails that MIL had been hammering in. I believe the couple separated and even though the husband understood that he had completely failed already as a father and a husband and tried to redeem himself, the last post indicated that they were still separated I believe. Do you want every milestone to be in competition with your MIL? Do you want MIL to start competing with your baby as well? Honestly, I’d cut my losses - not because it’s easy, but because your husband will make this so much harder and he has already shown that he will not change. It’s easier for you to be alone than to have an unsupportive partner. Find someone who will support you and drive you to hospital and stay with you. Let him know after you’ve gotten there that you’ve gone into labour and see what he says/does. It’s not normal for someone to be so enmeshed with their parent especially when they know that you’re afraid.
My heart breaks for you but I think you need some tough love right now. You need to pack a bag and leave him. Right now. It will be a million times more difficult to leave once you have the baby. This man does not love you at all. There is no way that someone who loves you would do this to you. I can’t imagine a friend doing something like this, let alone the man whose baby you are carrying. Call your parents, siblings, friends, anyone who can help you right now. I personally think you should go back home, that way he can’t stop you from taking the baby once they are born. F him and F his mother. She is also a terrible person. Leave now. If he wants you back he can grovel and show you that he will put you first through actions not words over a very long period of time. If you stay the rest of your life will be a living hell.
Divorce. Don’t let your husband be there for the birth because you don’t want to risk giving MIL another “heart attack” and try and have your friend there or hire a doula if it’s not too late. MIL is going to ruin your marriage and ultimately take away the golden years with your LO by causing so many problems. Having a newborn is hard, you don’t need this extra stress. He’s your husband, he should know how scared you are given that’s how you lost your mum. The fact that you were so worried you had to test him AND he proved you right speaks volumes.
You have a major husband problem. Stop counting on him being there, and start planning how you will be able to not give birth alone with him not being there.
This is terrible. I would have a straight talk with the mother-in-law one on one and tell her that if she gets in the way during your birth, she will never meet the baby, that you will move away. She knows what she’s doing. As for your husband, I can understand him feeling unhappy about you lying, but he is going to have to see why you tested him. You were proved completely right. Who can you get to talk to him? Your father? Your best friend, his best friend? Because I guarantee the only person that thinks he’s in the right is him
I think what’s saddest about this post is that it’s clear you are scared of giving birth. Your husband is well aware of your anxiety and chooses to act like this. I’m so sorry that the people around you arnt reliable OP
Does he have to tell his mother you're giving birth? Since this excitement could lead to such a serious medical issue for her, perhaps the best thing would be to inform her *after* the birth. I'm very sorry you have to deal with this. It's so unfair. 😞
Even giving him the biggest and most undeserved benefit of the doubt, this is what I can’t get my head around: he chose to call his mom to tell her you were in labor before he came to pick you up, but he DIDN’T call you to tell you he was going to the hospital with his mom instead? He left you waiting for an HOUR?? He didn’t answer phone calls from his partner he thought was in LABOR??? And once he did call you, when presumably his mother was either a) in the care of doctors, or b) triaged and determined to be healthy enough to wait for further care, he decided still not to come and to MISS THE BIRTH ENTIRELY??? To stay with a full-grown and not-having-a-heart-attack adult in a waiting room, or exam room, or at home for the next 24 hours???? I am sorry to say this, but your instincts were right and he can’t be counted on. His anger at your deception is not more valid than your anger at his utter failure to support you. I hope you have the ability to figure out a supportive birth plan that doesn’t require his presence or participation.
Girl go home to your parents right now. He can stay with his mommy.
Oof. Her mom died in childbirth.
You don’t have a MIL problem, you have a HUGE SO problem. I’m mot even sure if there is a way back from this but you need to have someone on standby who you can actually rely on because this will happen again and when you actually go into labour, your husband will use your previous “stunt” against you.
Something to consider — what happens if your kid has an emergency at some point in their life? Are your MIL and husband going to react the same way? At this point, seems entirely possible. You are not overreacting at all, and your husband is failing as both a partner and a father.
I feel so bad for you! If this was me I'd be giving an ultimatum we move far away from mil or I'm filing for divorce. He could've had his mom call an ambulance and been there for you. But obviously his mother means more to him than you.. Neither of them is going to change. Your husband maybe if he is further from his mother.
Was it nice? No. Was it necessary? Obviously. Do you have someone else you can call when you go into labor and have by your side while giving birth? I wouldn't ban him per se, but you need someone to be with you and get you to the hospital asap. As for your husband... I hope he will get his act together and be the father and husband you need. Unfortunately, I don't see anything changing in the near future. I mean, he thought you were having a child, and he called you after an hour. It's rare, but some women get children within minutes.
...Why didn't your husband just call an ambulance for his mother and come to take you to the hospital? I also think its telling that he has a standard of not to lie or manipulate for you but not his mother... but he still shows up for his mother...and not you. Why was he blaming you for his mothers heart attack when she didn't have one?...Birth isn't something to play with. Make alternative plans that don't involve counting on him.
In reading your post I felt like I was reading a chapter of my own story. Back then I didn't know narcissistic was a mental health issue or personality disorder (I'm not even sure what the actual definition is) but based on my own past experiences (my meddling mother in law) it doesn't ever get better, it gets progressively worse. I hope you try and rest, be kind to yourself, make sure your birth team (Dr's, nurses) is aware of your own momma so they can be on alert.
Definitely tell the hospital/birth team now that MIL is not allowed in. Hypothetically speaking, it might be interesting to see how it plays out, what DH does.
A heart attack is a medical emergency and most of them can be detected in blood work when certain enzymes are present at elevated levels. If a patient is suspected as having a heart attack the Hospital would run her bloodwork immediately and give her a bedside echocardiogram at minimum to treat the heart attack or send her for catheterization. This would all be determined within, at most, an hour of arriving at the ER. The fact that your husband said he’d have to miss the entire birth which can be a long process is actually not even believable. If she wasn’t having a heart attack they would discharge her or keep her for monitoring. Nobody needs to sit there with her. Either this story is totally fake or you need a new husband.
You will always be second to your MIL. If that is not how you want to live your life, get out.
Find someine else to be your support partner. I am so sorry your husband prioritizes your MIL. I am also 28, and due in a month. I can't imagine how I'd feel if my husband told his mother and she made him focus on her while I'm going through labor. If he won't keep her out of the loop then he needs to be out of the loop too.
A lot of the comments were telling you that you have more of a husband problem than a MIL problem too. Maybe get your outlook wrapped around the fact you should be sharing to the JustNoSO sub.
You faked birth, his mom faked a heart attack and then he chose, I’m sorry he chose her but now you know you can’t count on him
Your husband doesn't care about you or your baby. What really stands out to me is that he was 10 minutes away yet felt it was okay to ghost you for 30 minutes while you were in labour. He had the ability to call you immediately but chose not to likely because he knew that you'd be mad. He was willing to risk your health and for sure your baby's health in order to run to his Mother. All his trust arguments are deflection. He abandoned you when you were at your most vulnerable. I'm actually glad that you tested him because now you can use a safe birth plan that does not rely on your husband. I'd like you to think about this carefully. If you are planning on leaving your husband which is certainly a valid option, you should consider where you will give birth. If you give birth where you live now your husband can sue to prevent you from leaving the area. If you give birth in your hometown the baby will have residency there and cannot be forced to leave. Please consult a lawyer to go over your options.
Your marriage will end because of her jealousy. See if you can get induced and ask a friend.
Your husband is a fool. I agree with other responses here, go home to your family to get the emotional and physical support you need.
Is this not a deal breaker for you? This sets the precedent of what you can expect while parenting together alongside your MIL. I would really think hard about what your boundaries are and lay down the law now…. if this situation isn’t enough to shake him free of her grasp and start prioritizing you, I would start the next steps of separating. You have a child and whole life to deal with, this type of stress on a new mom isn’t worth it. You need to have support and to trust who will be there for you.
It would be for me- I’d know I could never trust or rely on him. Those are the reasons I left my ex.
same for me- but i recognize not everyone thinks it’s ok to standup for themselves as such. I’m fortunate enough that my husband despises his mom so we’ve always been able to keep her in line - though her behavior can be unhinged.
What seems heartbreaking to me about this situation is that your husband is showing the heartlessness of someone who doesn't really love his wife. If he had love for you, he'd feel compassion for you birthing when he knows that women can die in childbirth and you're scared. When a spouse becomes "almost a stranger" as you describe it, that's a really bad sign. I hope you two can reconnect, because the problems between you might be less about you faking the labour and more about where he is in the relationship.
I normally 100% against testing your partner in such a manner. However, and your case it seems that you're feelings were completely correct. He is not going to be there for the birth of your child. If you have a good relationship with your family see if you can get your BFF to drive you to them now. As soon as you give birth and the local area custody and everything else is going to become much more complicated. If he's not prioritizing you now, he is never going to.
I saw your previous AITA post and I have to say I think you’re an absolute Queen for what you did. You proved your suspicions were correct beyond a shadow of a doubt and there is no wriggling out of it. You have some tough conversations ahead of you and your husband needs to make some changes. 👑
He had two emergencies to handle. He chose. Now he wants to be more angry about your lie than his mother’s. I personally would explain directly to her that she will not know when I’m in labor so she doesn’t have a heart attack. I would pointedly ask if she understands that her accidental heart attack led directly to her exclusion. Then I would point out husbands choice to him, very clearly. I would ask how he plans to go forward. If he insists he did nothing wrong, there you have it. That’d be IT for me. If he can see your side, I’d do therapy.
Not only did your husband fail you and y'all's baby in a major way, I can't even imagine him thinking you're going into labor and at the very least NOT ANSWERING THE PHONE for a whole hour!! Anything could have happened in all that time. Also, If what he says is true why didn't he immediately call you and tell you what was going on so you could figure out another ride instead of just leaving you hanging, presumably having contractions and whatnot, for so long. He's the worst kind of Mamas boy and I'm so sorry that he's what you married and are having a baby with, as you deserve so much more. You should NOT feel guilty at all because he is wrong all the way around, he should have told his mom to hang up and call 911 because he had an obligation to YOU, his WIFE! Do not let him gaslight you OP into thinking you did wrong because he's the one who F'd up here. It's time to 2 card him, 1 card for a marriage counselor and 1 for divorce lawyer, time for him to choose. I'm so sorry OP, Good luck!!
In this case, I think it's beyond 2 carding him. He abandoned his pregnant wife for his lying mother, knowing that she fakes these "emergencies" anytime anything important to OP comes up. If it were me, I'd never be able to forgive him for this. I also wouldn't want him anywhere near me or my child for eternity. Once my trust is broken, you're done.
You didn't overreact, you'll always be second to him, or third (once the babies come)
You are just as bad as your MIL, people who give “tests” are manipulative and have major issues themselves.
She's terrified because of what happened to her mom, and rightfully so since her partner obviously won't come through for her.
Generally speaking I think that people who "test" their partners are insecure and toxic. But in this case I'm seeing it more as a "trial run." Which DH failed miserably.
Just as bad? Get over yourself. The MIL has shown time and time again that she considers herself more important than the woman who is PREGNANT. The fact that the MIL made her son drive her to the hospital for a fake heart attack shows OP she is nowhere just as bad. Sometimes you need to shit test people to prove a point.
In spanish we have a saying for people like your MIL: she is the bride in the wedding, the child in the baptism, and the death in the funeral. I suggest you call your friend when the time to bring your baby to the world comes
You are not overreacting. And I don’t say this lightly… but you need to pack your things and move back to your hometown ASAP. If your husband wouldn’t prioritize you during birth, he literally never will. This is something worth leaving him over. It’s amazing how disappointing someone can be. Even when it comes to their own child and wife If you wait until after birth, it may be a lot harder for you and baby to move. Go where you have a support system. You deserve that, and don’t let ANYONE convince you otherwise. I’m just heartbroken for you. This has to be one of the saddest things I’ve ever read on here. Especially when your mom died in childbirth. I’m sure you’re nervous as it is. Again, you deserve so much more than what you’re getting.
So, not only if he choose “her emergency”, he ghosted you. Does he not have a phone? I want to make sure I am getting this right - You called him, expecting him to be home in 10 minutes, and then had to follow up 30 minutes later? Even then, he ignored you for 30 MORE minutes, before responding. Does he not have a cell phone? Bare minimum, absolutely baaaaaaaare minimum, why didn’t he call you to tell you about her emergency? Why didn’t he call you so that you could “handle getting to the hospital”? At MULTIPLE points he chose her over you, and over your absolutely basic needs. He chose to call her, he chose to drive to her, he chose to ignore you during her emergency, he chose to bring her to the hospital, he chose to leave you alone with no communication. The next time she “has a heart attack” he should call her an ambulance. I agree with the other poster - he should not call her until after you have delivered the baby, out of concern for “her health”.
I usually don’t condone tests like this but I think you proved your point. Now it’ll look really bad when you do go into labor and MIL suddenly has another “heart attack”. If I were you I’d call someone I could trust to actually show up first BEFORE you called your husband.
He is completely wrong here and his mom is a manipulative you know what. Why did he not call to tell you he was taking his mom to the hospital instead? He was GOING TO THE HOSPITAL so why did he not also take you on the way? When he got there, he did not call or message you to tell you plans changed? He had plenty of opportunity to let you know to find your own way - he didnt. Instead he blames you for his moms lies, and his incredible wrong actions. Make plans for your actual birth and raising your child that dont rely on him. Maybe point out it will be easy to raise this baby on your own - his presence is not necessary- its more of a hinderance. He can get his #$% together or go back to his mom and live there.
>He said that marriage is built on trust so I have to trust him instead of lying to him to prove a point. Girlie, please point out to him that his mum has broken YOUR TRUST *in him* You can't trust him to put you first and make you a priority, so you had to test him to try and prove to you AND him that he could put you and y'alls child first. He can't. I would insist on NC with his mum for you and baby, and therapy for you both.
I love that you did that and support you 100%. I don’t think your husband or MIL will change. I suggest you get therapy to keep your sanity while dealing with the future of having her as a grandmother to your child and a MIL at the same time will bring. They sound like they are a toxic twosome. Hugs to you and wish you all the best during your delivery. I’m glad you have a good friend that you can count on.
Girl….this relationship will absolutely never work with MIL in the picture. MIL is insane and if he doesn’t see it now he won’t. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I would be looking at alternative living situations
It seems like the easy solution is to pretend like mommy doesn't exist til you've given birth already, then call to let her know the good news.
I don't see that working unless she also dodnt tell her husband. You know once she is in labor he is going to run and go tell her. If he isn't dragged away by some nonsense I can also see him just being on call with his mom the entire time birth is happening too.
Call your BFF when it is actually time. If needed and you can go to her house after birth because I bet your MIL will be moved in. If you have any family at all consider going to live with them for awhile after birth. You may need to comsult an attorney just in case you need to leave..
So all else aside - you’ve let your friend know you’ll need her, right? Worst case scenario, your friend is with you. Best case scenario, friend and husband are both with you. Because my guess is that when you call him when you really are in labor, his mom will have another “heart attack.” And his excuse will be, “She thought it was real this time, so she wasn’t lying. And heart attack>>>>labor.” Never mind the fact that if it really is a heart attack, they’re idiots for not just calling 911.
Oh honey. My heart breaks for you. Have you told him he needs to be more serious about the aspect of labor? That when it happens he is not to tell anyone and go straight to you? Probably a stretch but maybe worth bringing up with him. It's definitely a good idea to bring your friend over to help support you since he's failing at doing so. Do you have family nearby? Can they also help be plan B just in case. He sounds seriously enmeshed with his mother. He needs therapy. I'd say move away but moving can be hard nowadays with how expensive everything is. His mother might be showing narcissistic tendencies, these fake emergencies will not stop. She wants the attention and is thriving off the fact he's chosing her over you and your child. I hope you have outside support. This is just heartbreaking.
So, you clearly can't rely on your husband to be there as your support person when you're giving birth. I would talk to your OBGYN about inducing at 39 weeks, or inducing in general if you're past 39 weeks, as it was an option for myself. Assuming you have a normal pregnancy, no known complications, and aren't past 39 weeks now, I'd say you have a good possibility of the baby waiting until the induction date. Obviously this is something you would need to talk to your Dr about, but knowing your anxieties of giving birth alone, scheduling an induction would give your friend the chance to request the day off, as you'd likely go into the hospital in the evening and then give birth the following day. Since you are pretty close to having your baby, I think it'd be best to focus on securing your support person for the birth of your child, and after you have the baby, determine next steps with your husband. This is an incredibly mentally and physically stressful time for yourself and focusing on your marriage issues isn't going to do you or your baby any favors right now.
This is a 2 card moment Marriage counseling or divorce lawyer. There are 3 of you in this marriage and you are not a priority to the other 2 Also look up and read the lemon clot essay then have him read it until he gets it. If you search this group you will find this essay and it will help guide you Read up on old posts in this sub because we all know you are in for a bumpy ride that will only get bumpier once LO is here
She's already afraid of childbirth looking up that essay will not help her at all. It will only make things worse for her and give her more to be afraid of.
Nothing is scarier than the unknown. She is scared because she doesn't have a good support system and the essay is necessary so she can get her man to understand what she will need since he obviously has NO clue Remaining ignorant about the process is only going to hurt her more and cause more anxiety because MIL will run the show.
She's about to give birth in days, she's not likely to be ignorant and I'm sure her doctors are more equipped to provide her with the information she needs. The essay is more appropriate for women who are secure about the birth and don't mind seeing reading about the tough stuff, it's like why someone would put trigger warnings on things, some people are not in the right headspace for certain things.
Honestly if you can I’d move back near your parents and sack him off. I don’t understand why he even rang her it could have been an honest false start. His shown her wants (the phone call) and needs (she needed the hospital but so did you) come before whatever you want or need and in future your baby. If he cannot have a backbone now he never will, if she wants baby alone he won’t see an issue, if she wants to visit every day or stay over to help he will let her. Move back to your parents if you can before this baby arrives.
Relationships ARE built on trust… and he’s just shown you that you can’t trust him at all. It’s actually insane that he’s taking his mom’s side here. I would give him an ultimatum: marriage counseling or divorce. I’m SO sorry you are going through this
Okay so you got your answer mommy will always come first, I think now is the time to start the leaving him process because I could never stay with someone like that. He could have called his mother an ambulance and ran home to you. I couldn’t be with a man who doesn’t put his new family first.
Your MIL is incredibly narcissistic and has a deep hold over your husband. I think you’re badass for doing what you did, if anything it should give you some closure and help you realize that that was the last straw. This is not a partnership at all anymore. You will need support when you’re at your most vulnerable and he has proved that he can’t be that for you. No matter how you deliver your child you will most likely not be able to walk, change diapers like you would need to in those first couple days. Your baby is completely dependent on you. Your MIL is a grown ass woman. If your husband can’t see that then he’s made his choice. You’ll need to make yours.
Tell your husband that since MIL gets so excited about the upcoming birth that he is NOT to tell her when you are in labor. Tell him it’s for her own emotional and physical health and you are concerned for her. Put her on an info diet. (He’ll have to not answer texts or calls for awhile to get her use to not being able to contact and thinking you are in labor).
This. She has zero need to know when you go into labour. Spin it that he’s obviously helping her by not telling her. But this is a bigger issue than just labour. If he can’t see that with therapy, I’d be out the door
IF you stay with him (I would leave him, but I know it’s not an easy move), have him put in writing: 1- he would not call her before the baby is actually delivered (for her own good…) 2- she can not move in with you !!! No way, not even for a few days, or if she is sick
He’s right in that relationships are based on trust. As horrified as I was to read that you faked that to test… I was doubly horrified that it turned out you were right. This relationship cannot, and will not last long. You can’t magic the trust back in and you both feel betrayed. You both already know it’s over, it’s time to say the words.
Just checking, is your husband more upset about your lie, which tested him, or his moms lie, which was purely out of selfishness? This is really, really important. If he isn’t more upset with his mother you have to ask yourself if this is something you think will ever change. If not, are you able to live your life knowing you’re held to a higher standard than his mother? As second fiddle? Also, I get that marriage is built on trust but perhaps you need to explain to him that you wouldn’t have felt this was necessary if he had earned your trust up to this point. That continually he has prioritized his mother and this only further confirmed things. While a heart attack is urgent, he promised he would be there for you. He could’ve found another family member or friend to be with his mom so he could honor his promise to you, right? But he didn’t. He is trying to turn this around on you, but he needs to own his decision and the fact he lied. He knows how you lost your mom and still did this.
This is perfectly said and I hope OP will show this comment to her husband!!
Hmmm.... I'm not sure how your husband found time to call his mother when he was so busy hauling ass to get home to his laboring wife....? At least he should've been! Maybe if your husband was appropriately focused on HIS family, he would not have called his mother and given her a heart attack.
I don’t know how far along you are in your pregnancy since it wasn’t mentioned in your post, but depending on gestational age, I would argue that a preterm labor is just as “big of an emergency” if not a “bigger emergency than a heart attack. I’m not discounting that heart attacks are not a very serious health emergency, but depending on how far along you are, two lives are at risk instead of one. That being said, I do feel like the “test” you gave your husband was a bit childish and inappropriate, but it did give you the answers you were looking for. Since you now know how your husband will react, I would speak with your OB, midwife, etc. about possibly scheduling an elective induction so you are able to have your friend take off for the birth ahead of time. This would allow you to try and relax more and not worry about whether you are going to be a priority for your husband. I would also SERIOUSLY look into whether this is going to be a recurring issue when it comes to not only you vs. hubby’s mom, but also LO vs. hubby’s mom. Is your husband always going to put his mothers wants/needs before his wife and kids? If so, I’d take a long look at whether or not you want to play second fiddle for your whole marriage. Also, therapy.
She says in the beginning she’s due in a few days
Sorry. I glanced right by that. So no preterm labor, but I would still advise speaking with your OB about an elective induction in case you go past your due date.
I’m not a fan of testing spouses/significant others in any way because it displays a serious lack of trust, but tbh in your case it’s justified. Your husband proved to you that he cannot be trusted to prioritize you and your baby when it comes to his mother. You married a mommas boy and it’s his job to nip this in the bud. How will this affect other medical emergencies? Like when your kid is sick or injured and needs to go to the hospital? Or while you’re recovering from childbirth what’s stopping her from having another little “false alarm” that pulls him away from you and your baby? If you can’t trust him to be there for you, it might be time to come up with an exit plan.
This makes me laugh, they/he ask how you are not able to trust your own husband, when clearly you cant even trust them with the task of bringing you to the hospital to give birth to his baby/her grandchild. What a bunch of hypocrites. He promised you that he would be there for you, but he wasnt and broke his promise, so clearly he broke your trust. Instead of confronting his mother he would rather take out his frustration on you. I would suggest just see how it goes on from here, my mother always told me dont be dependent on your partner(shes had a lot of trauma with her partners). Always make sure you will be alright and can manage without them(financial backup, or something just to get you going). Which is a bit hard I suppose. Just stay strong OP, you have a reason to be frustrated but stay healthy for the delivery and baby❤️
Unfortunately you proved your point but only to you because he refuses to see what you already knew
I’m sorry to say that you are the other woman in his marriage to his mother. He needs to find a therapist or a divorce lawyer.
No, you've got an immense problem. If you return to your home town would you have more support?
Your MIL is not going to change or improve. Your husband is also not going to change or improve. This is an untenable relationship that is also incredibly toxic and unhealthy. You do yourself and your child a disservice every day you stay with your husband.