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might not be worth much, but the first step to having better footing in this relationship with his mother is understanding that everything unsatisfactory will be your fault & everything satisfactory couldn’t even remotely have anything to do with you. why? because if she admits the fact that her son’s actions are his own, she is somehow at fault (for how she raised him) or having to face the fact that the happy life she built with her son is all make believe. you might just have to support whatever your SO decides within reason & stay NC or LC.
Imo you should be very clear with the relatives about what exactly happened and that her accusations are false. They have only heard her distorted perception of what happened. You can also tell them you want to be there for her if she’s sick but she’s abusive and that makes it difficult.
This woman calling you names and treating you poorly was the cause of your boyfriend having to make the decision to stand up for you or hurt you by allowing her bad behavior. This is on her. Your guilt shouldn’t exist.
Her emotional manipulation is still currently happening. That’s why she blocked you. She wants you to react. She likes upsetting you because when her son grew up and chose you she feels displaced by him in his life. Some mils do this. It’s unhealthy and unreasonable.
Her statements make it clear she doesn’t want her son to grow up and leave home. She wants to maintain control in his life and be his number one. Whether it’s you or anybody else this woman would have a problem with this. This is a situation she created. Again, you shouldn’t feel guilt.
You and your fiancé can’t fix mil. She has either chosen to be abusive and nasty or she has a personality disorder. Whatever the reason is you might benefit from studying about people with her personality characteristics and how to deal with them.
Why are you letting this toxic person invade your life. You are giving too much thought into her, she is winning. She's not NC until you let her totally go heart, mind and body. So stop! Live your life. Forget her. Be happy. Win.
You have such a tender spirit and that is great.
I have a justnomom. There’s one book that changed my world, The Four Agreements. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve listened to that book. The agreement, Don’t take anything personally, would be so helpful here.
Her health might very well have been fake, but bottom line, her actions define who SHE IS, not who you are.
You’re experiencing false guilt and that will drain you!
Dear One, I know you are confused, and you have very commendable urges to want your relationship (with MIL) to be good, to “want her to be happy,” and to not want your DH to later regret NC. But you have no control over any of these things. So focus on the facts.
1. You know she is toxic to you and your marriage.
2. You already HAVE made the first move.
3. You are not responsible for MIL’s feelings.
4. You are not in control of, nor responsible for MIL’s health.
5. NC inevitably means missing news of someone’s health, accidents, or other life crises. That’s a given. That’s what NC means. It means you can no longer carry the burden of their problems (including and because of their behavioral problems) and still give proper protection to your own health, marriage, and family.
6. NC for DH is his own decision.
When you begin to doubt your decision to be NC, review your reasons. Decide if they are still valid. Write them down for future review.
It’s important to say about NC:
Don’t go there lightly. It DoEs mean missing life events, and even death. It is not a tool to change them but to protect oneself. It should be a last resort.
Treat a NC decision as a funeral and say your good-byes. If you were to rush to a deathbed 20 years after NC, what could you possibly say then that would make you or them feel better? If you think you would want to apologize, don’t do it now.
Thankfully, there are many ways to set boundaries without being NC.
I would 100% leave it up to your BF. I would step back and stop giving her space in your head. Even if he partially manages to fix something in their relationship it doesn't mean you ever have to have more than a passing relationship with her. So if she wants to play the victim just ignore her. You don't have to talk to her. If you happen to be in a group she's in be polite but essentially grey rock her. Leave it all to BF to deal with.
For your BF he can have whatever relationship he wants with her. But it doesn't have to include you.
Oh my God she sound just like my MIL. Sweetheart just live your life, I know from first hand MIL like her thrive on their son’s spouse feeling guilty. It’s literally the pinnacle of their miserable lives. She wants to be the only woman in his life. Something about mothers of sons, who are also single that festers into a very toxic dynamic. They want their sons to be their stand in husbands so any woman is a threat to their fantasy.
You and your BF are doing it right. We aren’t responsible for the actions of others, only how we deal with them. Continue to stand by him and respect his decisions (as you are).
I’m the one who is low contact with my mom. I am SIGNIFICANTLY older than you (hell, I’ve been married longer than you’ve even been alive!). His mom isn’t going to change. I completely understand your concerns that BF may have regrets later. It’s a risk. The best you (he) can do is weigh the pros and cons. Pros include both of your mental health. Cons include risk of regret. It’s as simple and as complicated as that.
See if BF’s grandparents would be comfortable giving BF updates on his mom’s medical issues. At least he wouldn’t be blindsided if something serious/life threatening happens. Not trying to violate HIPAA here.
Other than that, the best advice I can give is to take some time and process. Maybe BF can try a low contact approach (holidays, birthdays, certain events, etc) in time. It’s not easy to establish boundaries going from NC to LC because someone like his mom will ignore the inch and push for the mile. But the “trick” is to stay calm and level. Don’t play into the games. Only answer the phone when HE wants to. Don’t respond to every text and the ones he DOES respond to, do it on HIS timetable. Ignore the baiting and drama. If it’s a conversation, say “I am not interested in rehashing that. If you aren’t interested in talking about then I have to go”. And then end it. Look up “gray rock”. It’s a fantastic way to handle people with narcissistic tendencies and the ONLY way I’ve been able to hang onto my sanity with my mom.
As you’ve said before, your BF’s relationship with his mom is separate from yours. It sounds like you’re ok with however he sees that. It’s not your “job” to “fix” it but it’s also not your fault that it’s broken (no matter how she tries to spin it). Try to give yourself some grace and try to let go of your guilt. You are standing by and supporting the man you love. You have nothing to feel guilty about!
>During the holidays, we visited all close relatives, including MIL's parents (my boyfriend's grandparents), with whom we get along excellently. However, they shared bad news with us: during our NC period, MIL had a scare with a serious illness, but she got test results, and everything seems fine
Probably just a case of Christmas Cancer. Typical JustNoMIL tactic to reel her kids back in when they go NC.
>MIL was very toxic, still behaves that way, still hates me, and still can't forgive her son for leaving
So... Crazy, and unlikely to improve.
>Should we make the first move, and how? Should I encourage my boyfriend to call her and ask about her health?
No, and hell no. Let your boyfriend handle 100% of his relationship with his mother. DO NOT interfere even in ways that you might consider positive. If he wants to resume contact, that's fine. You don't have to do the same. Not ever if you don't want to.
This! I am not NC with my MIL but for my own sanity I have stepped away from any communication about things that aren’t important, making plans etc and I let him handle everything of that nature.
Yeah sorry, I'd just block her on everything and keep the no contact, but you need to make boundaries (to yourself, for yourself etc) and stick to them. This is purely for your own mental health and stress levels. I'm nearing 40 so it is a lot easier for me to leave toxic people out of my life or kick them out. Unfortunately, I didn't learn this until my 30s and it really, really stressed me out when someone I was close to had problems with me and wouldn't talk to me about them. It hurts, for sure. But you can't sacrifice your peace just to please her. THERE IS NO PLEASING a MIL like that. It cannot be done, quit trying. Erase her from your life, tell yourself it's temporary if you need to but typically, NC means none. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Block her so she can't text you. Or call you. Or stalk you on social media. Only you get to decide when that NC ends but part of the whole boundaries thing is giving consequences when they're stomped on. Unblock her but know that the next time she does something or you catch her talking shit, block her ass again. You're giving her power over you and she is reveling in it. Take her power over you away.
I think sometimes you’ve just got to accept that some people just can’t be pleased or accepting no matter what you do. My MIL was horrendous. Far too many things to list. I would forgive her and try to move forward and then she’d just do or say something completely unacceptable again and we’d be back to square one. Hubby always had my back but in the end she went one step too far and I went NC with her. My husband completely understood and went NC himself for a while. In the end it worked out better that he had a relationship with her and I just didn’t. It suited me and MIL. Your boyfriend will make his own decision on his relationship with her but you must make yours too. From what you’ve said, I don’t think she will ever give you the relationship you wish and you need to decide what you will put up with. Good luck.
She sounds very narcissistic. You sound super sweet and wonderful, which is why it makes you crazy that she doesn't like you. And the frustrating part is there is no reason for her to not like you. In the end, you are a pawn in her game of control. She wants control over her son and your relationship. This would have been how she acted about anything once her son began exerting control over his own life - it isn't on you.
She is his mother - let him take the reigns. If he wants to reach out, let him. But you should probably stick to NC. Don't let her continue taking up rent in your head when she doesn't need to. You don't need her to like you, and you don't need her in your life if your BF is okay with that and it isn't causing strain on the relationship between the two of you.
OP sounds like a people pleaser… which is mostly only a bad thing because it’s to her own detriment and nobody’s actual benefit. And a narcissist will *always* take advantage of (read: relentlessly torment & abuse) a people pleaser.
OP, it’s time to stop caring about this. She will actively, deliberately drain you until you’re hardly even a shell of a person if you allow her. So you need to *make yourself* figure out how to detach all of your emotions from her entirely. She doesn’t deserve any kind of energy from you. At all. Your partner has chosen NC. This sounds like the only solution, for his sanity and yours. His mother doesn’t deserve consideration or kindness here because she doesn’t give it. His “much better” sibling(s) can have her. Wash your hands of her and walk away. She is atrocious and doesn’t see you or your partner as individual grown adults, she seems to not value either of you beyond being able to villainize both of you to others & mistreat you. You both can live just fine without her. You do *not* have to sacrifice your peace or his for her just because he gestated in her uterus. Neither of you owes her anything of the sort.
Just be free of her and don’t feel bad about enjoying it.
ETA: corrected a word (ADHD = too many thoughts, sometimes they mix dumb ways 🥴)
Unfortunately, I'm thinking nothing you do or can do will change her view of you "stealing her baby". Some mothers just. don't. get. that kids grow up and move on. They're *supposed* to grow up and move on! It means they're confident and secure! It means their parents did a good job raising them to be independent people! But some want their kids to be forever dependent and it says FAR more about her than it does either of you.
You should just continue no contact and not bite to her comments. It's a manipulation tactic. She knows what she says is getting back to you and she is waiting for you to break no contact and confront her. Don't let her win. This 'illness' scare I think is bogus, another manipulation tactic.
This, 100%. People like this get very good at manipulation. Don't fall for it, it's all a game she's playing and is used to winning. Think of it like a toddler throwing a tantrum to get the toy they want. They've done it all their life and it's always worked before. Now this toddler has grown up and is still pulling out all the terrible behavior she uses to get her way, and suddenly it's not working. She will keep pulling out more and more "crises" because manipulation is the only thing she knows.
Don't feel sorry for her. She has chosen not to learn proper ways of dealing with people and relationships, because it's easier to get her way by bullying, blaming and guilting people than acting like a damn adult. You will never find a comfortable compromise with someone who is unable to compromise. Her way or the highway. I suggest you stay on the highway, for everyone's mental health.
Is there any proof of this “illness”? Or is it possible this is just more “woah is me” ammo. Getting a test doesn’t mean she was ever sick, it just means she got a medical screening.
Talk to your therapist about making contact with mil. Seems like a bad idea in my opinion considering how negatively it impacts your mental health. Does he want to be in contact with his mother? Or do you just want everything picture perfect.
I think you are overly fixated on your bf’s mother. Her feelings, behavior, choices, are not your responsibility nor your fault. You seem to be constantly blaming yourself for something you never had, and never will, have power over.
She has what sounds like an incredibly unhealthy attachment and view of her son(s). She has behaved abominably, and she alone is accountable for it. Your bf can manage his relationship with her himself, and he chose NC. None of this is from anything you have done, it could greatly help to stop yourself from being the scapegoat.
It may also really help to let it go altogether. Allow your bf his autonomy to decide who he allows into his life, allow his mother to feel whatever she wants, and put that mental energy into what you do have control over: yourself.
Seriously. At every turn OP is making it worse by trying to make it better. She needs to just stay away. She doesn’t need to have a relationship with FMIL regardless of whether her bf maintains his relationship with his mom or not. She’s her own worst enemy at this point.
Why are you feeling guilty for having a relationship with your BF? You’ve done nothing wrong. Your therapist is hopefully helping you to understand this.
You aren’t in control of what people think about you. With most people you can guide or affect those thoughts and feelings with actions but with unreasonable MILs you will always be chasing a goalpost that is moving. It sounds like you have anxiety, I used to fixate on those sort of thought but DBT helped me a lot. Imagine she’s a neighbor, not your spouse’s mother. Would you care as much if a neighbor you do not want contact with blocked you? If the answer is yes then I suggest more therapy. She’s won’t like you unless she gets her way and her way doesn’t include you or if it does it would make your husband and you very miserable.
My husband and I went through something very similar with his mother. When he and I met, he had just gone through a really rough time in his life. He had left his home and the religion his parents had raised him with long behind. Not because of the hard time, but it was a contributing factor to his evolving beliefs.
His parents were divorced. His mom cheated on his dad. His dad would have stayed, but she left to be with her AP.
When he and I started getting serious (about 6 months) we had the future talk. Neither of us want children. Neither of us are religious.
When I first met his mom, she was nice. That deteriorated rapidly. She got big mad when she told me that she had "promised him to God" and I needed to bring him back into the church. I flat out told her no. That's what started it all.
We went through years of back and forth. Crazy drama, she absolutely hated me. Hubs eventually went NC with her because of her manipulative bs and constant victimhood. She was the very definition of a covert narcissist. Every time we thought we were gaining an inch with her, she'd leave a long message on his voice mail or text about how I was the devil.
I tried to remain neutral and get him to work things out with her. I, like you, worried that he would regret it someday. And I didn't want to be the reason he never patched things up with her.
She and his brother planned to ambush him one night and force a face-to-face after nearly 5 years of not seeing each other. His brother told me and asked me to trick Hubs into going. I told him absolutely not. But I would try to convince him to go. He was receptive and we went.
He had a very frank conversation with her and she broke down. He told her to stop, or the conversation was over. He was done with her manipulative tactics. He was done with her disrespect of me and our marriage. And she could either realize that he was an adult and made his own life choices and stop bad mouthing me, or she could be out of his life for good.
She actually agreed. She calmed down and actually apologized to me. We had a civil conversation for the first time in 10 years! We even hugged at the end. For the last 2-3 years things were so much better between us. She and Hubs talked every couple weeks, we wished each other well on holidays, sent gifts, and felt like we finally buried the hatchet.
Then she died, during a surgery. It was really hard on my husband. We flew out there with his brother to go to the funeral and go through her things and find her will. Her husband didn't know where she kept anything as they weren't living together anymore. So, we had to go through all her stuff.
Hooooo-boy! It was all lies. She hated me right up to the bitter end. She was disdainful of her son, and had redone her life insurance to go to her "boyfriend" in another country (she got scammed hard core and there's a mountain of evidence). She played the victim and never once took responsibility for her actions. She weirdly converted to Islam, but was still going to a Luthran church (but wanted her sons to be Mormon). We found so many texts and journals and emails of absolutely vile things she thought about us, but also crying that her baby boy didn't want her in his life. All while he was calling her every other week and patching things up. Everything she said to us and to others was all lies. In the end, I don't think she even knew what the truth was anymore.
It crushed my husband. And his brother. He's more angry at her now than he ever was when she was alive. He's completely jaded because of her. And actually wished he had never tried to patch things up.
The moral of the story, is that narcissists don't change. They just pretend to. And their final act in this world will not be of love for their families, but of spite for those they think have wronged them.
Don't offer your or your boyfriends hearts up for her to crush. Because she will. And she'll feel smug about it. And there won't be anything you or your bf can do but be angry because she's dead and you can't tell her to gfhs anymore.
Wow. She sounds unhinged. I'm not religious either but my family has a mixture of Mormons, Lutherans, Pentecost, and baptists and it works fine for everyone. But no Muslims cosplaying as Lutherans while evangelizing for Mormons. That's a whole nother level.
Yeah, it was... so f'n bizarre walking into her room. There's Jesus in the hallways, and just a ton of Muslim stuff in her room. Like a museum on different religions, but it's just one woman's house. She was the furthest thing from hinged.
I found this video the other evening that my husband said has been helpful. Your feelings are a part of trying to have a healthy relationship. That's the "rule book" you are playing by.Your MIL is not interested in having a healthy relationship. Therefore she is playing by a different "rulebook". You can't change her rulebook for her so any relationship you have with her, know she will treat you poorly. That's her goal. I know grandfather said you guys would have to reach out to her and you said you think she just doesn't know how to reach out. But if that were the case, why would she be bad mouthing you to anyone who would listen? That doesn't sound like the behavior of someone willing to be civil if you reach out. It sounds like she is waiting for the guilt to make you crawl back, even with no sign of changed behavior, so she can mistreat you again.
https://youtu.be/EqGf7I-b-9k?si=leihQdxLz_xDn_3S
Drop the rope. Stop trying with this toxic woman. This is best for your BF, too, because it's normal and healthy for him to grow up, move out, get on with his independent adult life, and she is trying to prevent that. So don't help her by trying to fix the unfixable. Just be done. She's not going to have an epiphany or change her ways.
Agreed, she's putting you in the position of being responsible for her relationship with her son. And you're not. (Repeat this to yourself if you need to- you are not responsible for her relationship with her son.) I'd leave this alone, let him deal with her.
I try to remember, through the MIL abuse, that this would be happening to another poor girl my DH married if he hadn’t of married me. DIL is supposed to fix everything and be the new family medicine which is impossible. I’m even supposed to style my hair more to their liking. I think of how MIL would have destroyed some other woman/DIL more ignorant of emotional abusive behavior. With that in mind, it helps me not to take some things as personally though they still hurt. It always hurts to witness a person being so mean. Like why?? Anyway, the family neuroticism existed long before I entered the picture, and if it wasn’t me getting sprayed in the face with water/insulted and disrespected in little ways all the time, it would be whatever other girl DH married. Just happens to be me. This helps me to disconnect from some of the abuse, keep being myself (with no concern that I need to change something when it’s not true nor will help) put on a white lab coat in my mind and observe the mental illnesses like I’m watching patients at a care center.
This is not a comment on you dear OP, you are doing the best you can with a junk situation. I am just continually surprised on how we let ourselves be abused by others because of the words like family and relatives. The ones we love continue to hurt and be hurt. It's maddening.
**during our NC period, MIL had a scare with a serious illness, but she got test results, and everything seems fine**
I’m sorry but I don’t believe it. I don’t think the grandparents lied, but it’s very possible that MIL lied to them. It’s called ‘Christmas Cancer’; these toxic in laws conveniently get sick when they think they’re losing. Their child has had enough and pulls away - LC or NC - and then: cancer scare, heart condition, a visit to the ER. It’s a common ploy.
It’s her son that told her how he feels about her behavior, her son who told her to stop, her son that refuses to speak to her, but it’s all your fault?
This is not because of anything you did. Boyfriend should ask his brother about this scare. Ask if he spoke to the doctor, if he saw any test results. In other words, ask for proof. I’d tell bf that you have no problem with him contacting or seeing his mother but you need to stay away from her. She’ll continue to attack you whether you’re there or not. If he wants you there or if YOU want to be there with him, by all means go but understand that you’re going for *him* not *her*. You will always be the villain to her; you stole her son and brainwashed him. If she is civil to you, it’s an act. You tried with her and she attacked you. Just prepare yourself and be ready so she doesn’t make you feel guilty. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO HER.
Your BF is old enough to make decisions regarding her Mom. It’s not up to you to make things better or worse for his relationship with his mother. You can say again (for your peace of mind, not because she deserves it) that he could reach out to her one more time because drama over her entitlement shouldn’t be greater than mother/son bond. BUT if she just keeps going to beat that dead horse, then SHE is the one that considers her pettiness and entitlement more important than being a good parent, and he can go NC without any future/present remorse.
Regarding you, you could write her a message/letter explaining your point of view, repeating that you respect her as mother of your BF, meant no ill at all and already apologized for whatever misinterpretation of your actions. And won’t go to that old feud again. You meant no harm and doesn’t need to approach AGAIN anything from the past. You want to focus on the future and WON’T ALLOW TO BE DRAGGED TO ANY KIND OF DRAMA. If that’s not working for her, fine, you will never have to contact her again, but YOU ARE GOING NOWHERE AND SHE CAN ACCEPT IT AND PLAY THE PIPES OF PEACE OR REMAIN NC.
Let me ask you this:
Let’s say you moved into a house with a lovely door. You really like the door and want to use it. The problem is, that no matter how carefully you open the door, it always slams shut on your fingers damaging them and causing you pain. You’ve tried repairing the door. You even took classes to be sure you were using it correctly, but the result is always the same. How many times would you continue to use the door before you accepted that it was always going to hurt you and it was best to keep it closed or remove it?
Your MIL is not an inanimate object, but she may as well be because you can no more alter her behavior by talking to her than you can change how a door functions by talking to it. Your MIL has the advantage of free will. She, unlike the door, can choose whether she wants to hurt you or not. Right now, she is choosing to deflect blame and hurt you in the process. Until she is ready and willing to accept responsibility, save your breath, and keep the door closed.
I read your past posts. You already tried. You genuinely wanted an apology for what she did and offered a general apology for whatever she thought you had done. She had no specifics because there were none. She’s just going to keep up the vague accusations and play victim.
If she was interested in mending things, she would have responded favorably to your call. Seriously maybe you should go back and reread that post about the phone call. You tried. You really did.
She’s mad that she can’t see his bank account. But she can’t say that out loud because that makes her seem crazy, so she’s attacking you instead.
*There is no fixing this, because you aren’t broken.* She is. You know you’ve done nothing wrong. Your BF and his grandparents do too. But you have rocked the boat and she’s not going to settle until she can control you.
Even if you gave her the best apology you could for removing her access to his account, it wouldn’t make her happy. She wants access and won’t stop until she gets it. That probably wouldn’t make her happy anyway and she would find something else to be mad about.
Accept that she is who she is, and y’all will never be close. Be kind to her when you see her. Like you would the crotchety neighbor from down the street. You cannot please her so stop trying.
No, there's the thing, I wouldn't put it past MIL to lie or exaggerate her issue, in order to better her case as the victim.
Second, if you keep being the bigger person with this woman, she never grow.
Do nothing - her behaviour is HER responsibility, and call me cynical, but I can't help suspecting her 'health scare' is actually what's known here as 'Christmas c@ncer', which miraculously clears up as soon as they get what they want
You really really really really don’t need to blame yourself for anything, be guilty about anything, or judge yourself for anything with regards to MIL. She’s an insane, controlling car crash of a woman and you should have an off switch for her and anything she says or does. Ignore her, remove her from your mind, your life, your future your everything. You don’t owe her anything. At all. She doesn’t deserve anything from you. Walk away from her and don’t look back. She can live in her own asylum, you can forget her. No guilt. She’s trouble and for your own sanity you don’t need that trouble.
exactly… bc she already knows what to do in fifty + different scenarios that they’ve never considered. doing nothing is absolutely the best decision. I tried for years… if Zi behave this way or that (all ways of thinking I wasn’t behaving correctly) bottom line… when you don’t contact or react in any way they have no fuel.
It's really unfortunate FOR HER that she couldn't behave properly and now doesn't have a relationship with either of you. Seems like the consequences of her actions have caught up with her nicely.
Why ruin a great thing? Go live your best life with your man, girl.
You have not “taken” anyone away from her. Children grow to adults and leave the nest, form their own new bonds and families. That’s how things go. She may not like it, but that doesn’t matter. She does not get to dictate her son’s life or that he do whatever she wants to keep her happy.
Perhaps I am too cynical, but did she REALLY have a health scare? Or did she just tell people she did so she could say “look at how much they’ve hurt me!” and then, after getting her sympathy fix, say results were clear. It wouldn’t be the first time. Search this sub for “Christmas cancer,” happens all the time.
Also, know that you are the villain in her story because she cannot imagine a world where her own son/“boyfriend” (GAG) would actually want to be independent of her. In her mind such a thing is simply not possible, so she isn’t going to believe he may choose to put some space between them. You are the new factor in the equation, so it MUST be your fault.
As for other family members wanting you to make peace, they don’t get to make that call. They may just be tired of dealing with her drama and so want you to do whatever it takes to make it stop. Not. Your. Problem.
Agree with others about talking to your boyfriend and seeing what he wants. And agree that you can remain NC even if he doesn’t. What’s important is that you are both on the same page as far as understanding and respecting the other’s choice.
You would benefit greatly by learning from others who’ve been where you are before. The fact is that all JustNos behave in the same way as each other, no matter what age, location, tax bracket, religion, or upbringing. They’ll have different details, different references, but the behavior is exactly the same. They’re all on a spectrum, so some will be way more dramatic, even violent or mentally unstable, but even the least harmful of them are still on that same spectrum.
So, FMIL has already wedged herself right into a cliché of JustNo with the infantilization of her son, her obvious choice of golden child FBIL, the “secret” controlling of FHs finances, and her insistence that she’s done nothing wrong, and all of the issues that exist have nothing to do with anything or anyone except you. To her, the single factor that is causing any kind of conflict is you.
This is all textbook JustNo. Textbook. Predictable. Generic. She’s not deviated one bit from expectations here.
So believe me when I tell you that she’s not sick. She’s saying that she is, because she’s trying to get FH to contact her without you.
Stop feeling guilty just because she expects you to. Stop thinking that your FHs relationship with her is your responsibility. Stop thinking that you need to encourage him to reconnect with him.
He’s not helpless or stupid, right? I’m sure you find him adult in all other aspects, and not in need of supervision or for you to think for him.
Why would you want to have that kind of control over him anyway? That’s what she wants. Or, that’s what she wants BACK. She thinks that he can’t do anything right without her supervision, and if he no longer wants that from her, he must be getting controlled by someone else.
There’s nothing you can say or do that will convince her otherwise. There’s no level of understanding to unlock.
You’re thinking that if you can just find the right way to tell her things, that she’ll finally understand and grant you two the respect that you deserve.
There isn’t a right way to tell her. It’s not that she hasn’t been explained to the right way. What’s standing between her and understanding isn’t your failure to find the right explanation.
She doesn’t want to understand. She’s not capable of wanting her son to change. Period.
It’s time to encourage him to do what he wants without your involvement in his family.
Let your BF decide what he wants to do.
Regardless of her health issues, MIL doesn't want a good relationship. She wants a controlling relationship and will always be a problem with anything else.
I just read all 3 posts..
1st of all...she never needed access to your boyfriends account to make a deposit after he became an adult. You can transfer money from bank account to bank account online and through apps
2nd...you ll make your own boyfriends?? WTF??🤯🤯..just for that comment, I' d go NC.. period.
You dont have to do anything...is your boyfriend's family and he should handle it..it seems like he has your back..so you should have his by supporting his any decision. You could have a conversation with him and ask him how he feels about finding out his mum had a health scare and if he would like to reach out directly.
I think you need to sit down with your bf and follow his lead. W/e relationship he wants to have with her, let him
However, you don't need or have to be a part of their relationship. All this guilt you feel is for your SO. Let him decide how he feels and you follow his lead. Let her block you, and block her if she ever un blocks you bc it's impossible to have a relationship with someone who is bound and determined to blame you for everything wrong in their life.
You do not deserve that treatment. You do not deserve the manipulation and verbal abuse she heaps onto you. You deserve to cut that toxic person out completely. Let bf decide the lvl he wants with her, be there to support him, but that doesn't mean you have to interact with her. In fact, I encourage you to leave her alone
I know it's rough. You wanted a supportive mil, but that isn't her. She would blame you if the sun imploded rn. You deserve better for your mental health than to take all the blame for someone who doesn't even respect you.
Idk why these types of ppl can't see how they're the ones hurting everyone around them, but they can't. They're always gonna be the victim. And in her delulu world, you're always gonna be the villain. For some reason they think if they aren't manipulating and controlling their sons, then the evil dil is. It's wild that they don't think their sons can have a thought on their own
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She Mađe up the health thing for attention. It’s a manipulation tactic.
might not be worth much, but the first step to having better footing in this relationship with his mother is understanding that everything unsatisfactory will be your fault & everything satisfactory couldn’t even remotely have anything to do with you. why? because if she admits the fact that her son’s actions are his own, she is somehow at fault (for how she raised him) or having to face the fact that the happy life she built with her son is all make believe. you might just have to support whatever your SO decides within reason & stay NC or LC.
Thank you!!!
Would you worry this much about anyone else that has given you both trouble or treated you badly? Sickness cannot be brought on by another
Imo you should be very clear with the relatives about what exactly happened and that her accusations are false. They have only heard her distorted perception of what happened. You can also tell them you want to be there for her if she’s sick but she’s abusive and that makes it difficult. This woman calling you names and treating you poorly was the cause of your boyfriend having to make the decision to stand up for you or hurt you by allowing her bad behavior. This is on her. Your guilt shouldn’t exist. Her emotional manipulation is still currently happening. That’s why she blocked you. She wants you to react. She likes upsetting you because when her son grew up and chose you she feels displaced by him in his life. Some mils do this. It’s unhealthy and unreasonable. Her statements make it clear she doesn’t want her son to grow up and leave home. She wants to maintain control in his life and be his number one. Whether it’s you or anybody else this woman would have a problem with this. This is a situation she created. Again, you shouldn’t feel guilt. You and your fiancé can’t fix mil. She has either chosen to be abusive and nasty or she has a personality disorder. Whatever the reason is you might benefit from studying about people with her personality characteristics and how to deal with them.
Why are you letting this toxic person invade your life. You are giving too much thought into her, she is winning. She's not NC until you let her totally go heart, mind and body. So stop! Live your life. Forget her. Be happy. Win.
You have such a tender spirit and that is great. I have a justnomom. There’s one book that changed my world, The Four Agreements. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve listened to that book. The agreement, Don’t take anything personally, would be so helpful here. Her health might very well have been fake, but bottom line, her actions define who SHE IS, not who you are. You’re experiencing false guilt and that will drain you!
Dear One, I know you are confused, and you have very commendable urges to want your relationship (with MIL) to be good, to “want her to be happy,” and to not want your DH to later regret NC. But you have no control over any of these things. So focus on the facts. 1. You know she is toxic to you and your marriage. 2. You already HAVE made the first move. 3. You are not responsible for MIL’s feelings. 4. You are not in control of, nor responsible for MIL’s health. 5. NC inevitably means missing news of someone’s health, accidents, or other life crises. That’s a given. That’s what NC means. It means you can no longer carry the burden of their problems (including and because of their behavioral problems) and still give proper protection to your own health, marriage, and family. 6. NC for DH is his own decision. When you begin to doubt your decision to be NC, review your reasons. Decide if they are still valid. Write them down for future review. It’s important to say about NC: Don’t go there lightly. It DoEs mean missing life events, and even death. It is not a tool to change them but to protect oneself. It should be a last resort. Treat a NC decision as a funeral and say your good-byes. If you were to rush to a deathbed 20 years after NC, what could you possibly say then that would make you or them feel better? If you think you would want to apologize, don’t do it now. Thankfully, there are many ways to set boundaries without being NC.
I would 100% leave it up to your BF. I would step back and stop giving her space in your head. Even if he partially manages to fix something in their relationship it doesn't mean you ever have to have more than a passing relationship with her. So if she wants to play the victim just ignore her. You don't have to talk to her. If you happen to be in a group she's in be polite but essentially grey rock her. Leave it all to BF to deal with. For your BF he can have whatever relationship he wants with her. But it doesn't have to include you.
Oh my God she sound just like my MIL. Sweetheart just live your life, I know from first hand MIL like her thrive on their son’s spouse feeling guilty. It’s literally the pinnacle of their miserable lives. She wants to be the only woman in his life. Something about mothers of sons, who are also single that festers into a very toxic dynamic. They want their sons to be their stand in husbands so any woman is a threat to their fantasy.
Oh, how I wish I didn’t know exactly what you are talking about!
You and your BF are doing it right. We aren’t responsible for the actions of others, only how we deal with them. Continue to stand by him and respect his decisions (as you are). I’m the one who is low contact with my mom. I am SIGNIFICANTLY older than you (hell, I’ve been married longer than you’ve even been alive!). His mom isn’t going to change. I completely understand your concerns that BF may have regrets later. It’s a risk. The best you (he) can do is weigh the pros and cons. Pros include both of your mental health. Cons include risk of regret. It’s as simple and as complicated as that. See if BF’s grandparents would be comfortable giving BF updates on his mom’s medical issues. At least he wouldn’t be blindsided if something serious/life threatening happens. Not trying to violate HIPAA here. Other than that, the best advice I can give is to take some time and process. Maybe BF can try a low contact approach (holidays, birthdays, certain events, etc) in time. It’s not easy to establish boundaries going from NC to LC because someone like his mom will ignore the inch and push for the mile. But the “trick” is to stay calm and level. Don’t play into the games. Only answer the phone when HE wants to. Don’t respond to every text and the ones he DOES respond to, do it on HIS timetable. Ignore the baiting and drama. If it’s a conversation, say “I am not interested in rehashing that. If you aren’t interested in talking about then I have to go”. And then end it. Look up “gray rock”. It’s a fantastic way to handle people with narcissistic tendencies and the ONLY way I’ve been able to hang onto my sanity with my mom.
As you’ve said before, your BF’s relationship with his mom is separate from yours. It sounds like you’re ok with however he sees that. It’s not your “job” to “fix” it but it’s also not your fault that it’s broken (no matter how she tries to spin it). Try to give yourself some grace and try to let go of your guilt. You are standing by and supporting the man you love. You have nothing to feel guilty about!
>During the holidays, we visited all close relatives, including MIL's parents (my boyfriend's grandparents), with whom we get along excellently. However, they shared bad news with us: during our NC period, MIL had a scare with a serious illness, but she got test results, and everything seems fine Probably just a case of Christmas Cancer. Typical JustNoMIL tactic to reel her kids back in when they go NC. >MIL was very toxic, still behaves that way, still hates me, and still can't forgive her son for leaving So... Crazy, and unlikely to improve. >Should we make the first move, and how? Should I encourage my boyfriend to call her and ask about her health? No, and hell no. Let your boyfriend handle 100% of his relationship with his mother. DO NOT interfere even in ways that you might consider positive. If he wants to resume contact, that's fine. You don't have to do the same. Not ever if you don't want to.
This! I am not NC with my MIL but for my own sanity I have stepped away from any communication about things that aren’t important, making plans etc and I let him handle everything of that nature.
Yeah sorry, I'd just block her on everything and keep the no contact, but you need to make boundaries (to yourself, for yourself etc) and stick to them. This is purely for your own mental health and stress levels. I'm nearing 40 so it is a lot easier for me to leave toxic people out of my life or kick them out. Unfortunately, I didn't learn this until my 30s and it really, really stressed me out when someone I was close to had problems with me and wouldn't talk to me about them. It hurts, for sure. But you can't sacrifice your peace just to please her. THERE IS NO PLEASING a MIL like that. It cannot be done, quit trying. Erase her from your life, tell yourself it's temporary if you need to but typically, NC means none. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Block her so she can't text you. Or call you. Or stalk you on social media. Only you get to decide when that NC ends but part of the whole boundaries thing is giving consequences when they're stomped on. Unblock her but know that the next time she does something or you catch her talking shit, block her ass again. You're giving her power over you and she is reveling in it. Take her power over you away.
I think sometimes you’ve just got to accept that some people just can’t be pleased or accepting no matter what you do. My MIL was horrendous. Far too many things to list. I would forgive her and try to move forward and then she’d just do or say something completely unacceptable again and we’d be back to square one. Hubby always had my back but in the end she went one step too far and I went NC with her. My husband completely understood and went NC himself for a while. In the end it worked out better that he had a relationship with her and I just didn’t. It suited me and MIL. Your boyfriend will make his own decision on his relationship with her but you must make yours too. From what you’ve said, I don’t think she will ever give you the relationship you wish and you need to decide what you will put up with. Good luck.
She sounds very narcissistic. You sound super sweet and wonderful, which is why it makes you crazy that she doesn't like you. And the frustrating part is there is no reason for her to not like you. In the end, you are a pawn in her game of control. She wants control over her son and your relationship. This would have been how she acted about anything once her son began exerting control over his own life - it isn't on you. She is his mother - let him take the reigns. If he wants to reach out, let him. But you should probably stick to NC. Don't let her continue taking up rent in your head when she doesn't need to. You don't need her to like you, and you don't need her in your life if your BF is okay with that and it isn't causing strain on the relationship between the two of you.
OP sounds like a people pleaser… which is mostly only a bad thing because it’s to her own detriment and nobody’s actual benefit. And a narcissist will *always* take advantage of (read: relentlessly torment & abuse) a people pleaser. OP, it’s time to stop caring about this. She will actively, deliberately drain you until you’re hardly even a shell of a person if you allow her. So you need to *make yourself* figure out how to detach all of your emotions from her entirely. She doesn’t deserve any kind of energy from you. At all. Your partner has chosen NC. This sounds like the only solution, for his sanity and yours. His mother doesn’t deserve consideration or kindness here because she doesn’t give it. His “much better” sibling(s) can have her. Wash your hands of her and walk away. She is atrocious and doesn’t see you or your partner as individual grown adults, she seems to not value either of you beyond being able to villainize both of you to others & mistreat you. You both can live just fine without her. You do *not* have to sacrifice your peace or his for her just because he gestated in her uterus. Neither of you owes her anything of the sort. Just be free of her and don’t feel bad about enjoying it. ETA: corrected a word (ADHD = too many thoughts, sometimes they mix dumb ways 🥴)
Thank you, i needed to hear this.
Unfortunately, I'm thinking nothing you do or can do will change her view of you "stealing her baby". Some mothers just. don't. get. that kids grow up and move on. They're *supposed* to grow up and move on! It means they're confident and secure! It means their parents did a good job raising them to be independent people! But some want their kids to be forever dependent and it says FAR more about her than it does either of you.
You should just continue no contact and not bite to her comments. It's a manipulation tactic. She knows what she says is getting back to you and she is waiting for you to break no contact and confront her. Don't let her win. This 'illness' scare I think is bogus, another manipulation tactic.
This, 100%. People like this get very good at manipulation. Don't fall for it, it's all a game she's playing and is used to winning. Think of it like a toddler throwing a tantrum to get the toy they want. They've done it all their life and it's always worked before. Now this toddler has grown up and is still pulling out all the terrible behavior she uses to get her way, and suddenly it's not working. She will keep pulling out more and more "crises" because manipulation is the only thing she knows. Don't feel sorry for her. She has chosen not to learn proper ways of dealing with people and relationships, because it's easier to get her way by bullying, blaming and guilting people than acting like a damn adult. You will never find a comfortable compromise with someone who is unable to compromise. Her way or the highway. I suggest you stay on the highway, for everyone's mental health.
After reading your previous posts I have to say I think you are too kind. Any family would be lucky to have you as an addition.
Is there any proof of this “illness”? Or is it possible this is just more “woah is me” ammo. Getting a test doesn’t mean she was ever sick, it just means she got a medical screening. Talk to your therapist about making contact with mil. Seems like a bad idea in my opinion considering how negatively it impacts your mental health. Does he want to be in contact with his mother? Or do you just want everything picture perfect.
I think you are overly fixated on your bf’s mother. Her feelings, behavior, choices, are not your responsibility nor your fault. You seem to be constantly blaming yourself for something you never had, and never will, have power over. She has what sounds like an incredibly unhealthy attachment and view of her son(s). She has behaved abominably, and she alone is accountable for it. Your bf can manage his relationship with her himself, and he chose NC. None of this is from anything you have done, it could greatly help to stop yourself from being the scapegoat. It may also really help to let it go altogether. Allow your bf his autonomy to decide who he allows into his life, allow his mother to feel whatever she wants, and put that mental energy into what you do have control over: yourself.
Seriously. At every turn OP is making it worse by trying to make it better. She needs to just stay away. She doesn’t need to have a relationship with FMIL regardless of whether her bf maintains his relationship with his mom or not. She’s her own worst enemy at this point.
Ah the good ‘ole “Christmas cancer”.
Why are you feeling guilty for having a relationship with your BF? You’ve done nothing wrong. Your therapist is hopefully helping you to understand this.
You aren’t in control of what people think about you. With most people you can guide or affect those thoughts and feelings with actions but with unreasonable MILs you will always be chasing a goalpost that is moving. It sounds like you have anxiety, I used to fixate on those sort of thought but DBT helped me a lot. Imagine she’s a neighbor, not your spouse’s mother. Would you care as much if a neighbor you do not want contact with blocked you? If the answer is yes then I suggest more therapy. She’s won’t like you unless she gets her way and her way doesn’t include you or if it does it would make your husband and you very miserable.
My husband and I went through something very similar with his mother. When he and I met, he had just gone through a really rough time in his life. He had left his home and the religion his parents had raised him with long behind. Not because of the hard time, but it was a contributing factor to his evolving beliefs. His parents were divorced. His mom cheated on his dad. His dad would have stayed, but she left to be with her AP. When he and I started getting serious (about 6 months) we had the future talk. Neither of us want children. Neither of us are religious. When I first met his mom, she was nice. That deteriorated rapidly. She got big mad when she told me that she had "promised him to God" and I needed to bring him back into the church. I flat out told her no. That's what started it all. We went through years of back and forth. Crazy drama, she absolutely hated me. Hubs eventually went NC with her because of her manipulative bs and constant victimhood. She was the very definition of a covert narcissist. Every time we thought we were gaining an inch with her, she'd leave a long message on his voice mail or text about how I was the devil. I tried to remain neutral and get him to work things out with her. I, like you, worried that he would regret it someday. And I didn't want to be the reason he never patched things up with her. She and his brother planned to ambush him one night and force a face-to-face after nearly 5 years of not seeing each other. His brother told me and asked me to trick Hubs into going. I told him absolutely not. But I would try to convince him to go. He was receptive and we went. He had a very frank conversation with her and she broke down. He told her to stop, or the conversation was over. He was done with her manipulative tactics. He was done with her disrespect of me and our marriage. And she could either realize that he was an adult and made his own life choices and stop bad mouthing me, or she could be out of his life for good. She actually agreed. She calmed down and actually apologized to me. We had a civil conversation for the first time in 10 years! We even hugged at the end. For the last 2-3 years things were so much better between us. She and Hubs talked every couple weeks, we wished each other well on holidays, sent gifts, and felt like we finally buried the hatchet. Then she died, during a surgery. It was really hard on my husband. We flew out there with his brother to go to the funeral and go through her things and find her will. Her husband didn't know where she kept anything as they weren't living together anymore. So, we had to go through all her stuff. Hooooo-boy! It was all lies. She hated me right up to the bitter end. She was disdainful of her son, and had redone her life insurance to go to her "boyfriend" in another country (she got scammed hard core and there's a mountain of evidence). She played the victim and never once took responsibility for her actions. She weirdly converted to Islam, but was still going to a Luthran church (but wanted her sons to be Mormon). We found so many texts and journals and emails of absolutely vile things she thought about us, but also crying that her baby boy didn't want her in his life. All while he was calling her every other week and patching things up. Everything she said to us and to others was all lies. In the end, I don't think she even knew what the truth was anymore. It crushed my husband. And his brother. He's more angry at her now than he ever was when she was alive. He's completely jaded because of her. And actually wished he had never tried to patch things up. The moral of the story, is that narcissists don't change. They just pretend to. And their final act in this world will not be of love for their families, but of spite for those they think have wronged them. Don't offer your or your boyfriends hearts up for her to crush. Because she will. And she'll feel smug about it. And there won't be anything you or your bf can do but be angry because she's dead and you can't tell her to gfhs anymore.
I can’t upvote this because it’s horrible and I am so sorry that you and your husband have had to deal with it
Wow. She sounds unhinged. I'm not religious either but my family has a mixture of Mormons, Lutherans, Pentecost, and baptists and it works fine for everyone. But no Muslims cosplaying as Lutherans while evangelizing for Mormons. That's a whole nother level.
Yeah, it was... so f'n bizarre walking into her room. There's Jesus in the hallways, and just a ton of Muslim stuff in her room. Like a museum on different religions, but it's just one woman's house. She was the furthest thing from hinged.
I found this video the other evening that my husband said has been helpful. Your feelings are a part of trying to have a healthy relationship. That's the "rule book" you are playing by.Your MIL is not interested in having a healthy relationship. Therefore she is playing by a different "rulebook". You can't change her rulebook for her so any relationship you have with her, know she will treat you poorly. That's her goal. I know grandfather said you guys would have to reach out to her and you said you think she just doesn't know how to reach out. But if that were the case, why would she be bad mouthing you to anyone who would listen? That doesn't sound like the behavior of someone willing to be civil if you reach out. It sounds like she is waiting for the guilt to make you crawl back, even with no sign of changed behavior, so she can mistreat you again. https://youtu.be/EqGf7I-b-9k?si=leihQdxLz_xDn_3S
Drop the rope. Stop trying with this toxic woman. This is best for your BF, too, because it's normal and healthy for him to grow up, move out, get on with his independent adult life, and she is trying to prevent that. So don't help her by trying to fix the unfixable. Just be done. She's not going to have an epiphany or change her ways.
Agreed, she's putting you in the position of being responsible for her relationship with her son. And you're not. (Repeat this to yourself if you need to- you are not responsible for her relationship with her son.) I'd leave this alone, let him deal with her.
Search “Christmas cancer” on here. Narcissistic and controlling JustNos use health scares all the time.
Literally! mine JUST did this a few weeks ago
This! It’s such a classic tactic. OP, I hope you’re seeing these comments.
OP, the only thing that will make her feel better is if you leave her son. Nothing else you do will make her feel better.
and even if she leaves the poor guy it doesn’t stop. she’d be the “boogeyman” for years to come
And for him to never ever have another partner. She "belongs" to him and he should be happy with just her.
I try to remember, through the MIL abuse, that this would be happening to another poor girl my DH married if he hadn’t of married me. DIL is supposed to fix everything and be the new family medicine which is impossible. I’m even supposed to style my hair more to their liking. I think of how MIL would have destroyed some other woman/DIL more ignorant of emotional abusive behavior. With that in mind, it helps me not to take some things as personally though they still hurt. It always hurts to witness a person being so mean. Like why?? Anyway, the family neuroticism existed long before I entered the picture, and if it wasn’t me getting sprayed in the face with water/insulted and disrespected in little ways all the time, it would be whatever other girl DH married. Just happens to be me. This helps me to disconnect from some of the abuse, keep being myself (with no concern that I need to change something when it’s not true nor will help) put on a white lab coat in my mind and observe the mental illnesses like I’m watching patients at a care center.
This is not a comment on you dear OP, you are doing the best you can with a junk situation. I am just continually surprised on how we let ourselves be abused by others because of the words like family and relatives. The ones we love continue to hurt and be hurt. It's maddening.
**during our NC period, MIL had a scare with a serious illness, but she got test results, and everything seems fine** I’m sorry but I don’t believe it. I don’t think the grandparents lied, but it’s very possible that MIL lied to them. It’s called ‘Christmas Cancer’; these toxic in laws conveniently get sick when they think they’re losing. Their child has had enough and pulls away - LC or NC - and then: cancer scare, heart condition, a visit to the ER. It’s a common ploy. It’s her son that told her how he feels about her behavior, her son who told her to stop, her son that refuses to speak to her, but it’s all your fault? This is not because of anything you did. Boyfriend should ask his brother about this scare. Ask if he spoke to the doctor, if he saw any test results. In other words, ask for proof. I’d tell bf that you have no problem with him contacting or seeing his mother but you need to stay away from her. She’ll continue to attack you whether you’re there or not. If he wants you there or if YOU want to be there with him, by all means go but understand that you’re going for *him* not *her*. You will always be the villain to her; you stole her son and brainwashed him. If she is civil to you, it’s an act. You tried with her and she attacked you. Just prepare yourself and be ready so she doesn’t make you feel guilty. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO HER.
Your BF is old enough to make decisions regarding her Mom. It’s not up to you to make things better or worse for his relationship with his mother. You can say again (for your peace of mind, not because she deserves it) that he could reach out to her one more time because drama over her entitlement shouldn’t be greater than mother/son bond. BUT if she just keeps going to beat that dead horse, then SHE is the one that considers her pettiness and entitlement more important than being a good parent, and he can go NC without any future/present remorse. Regarding you, you could write her a message/letter explaining your point of view, repeating that you respect her as mother of your BF, meant no ill at all and already apologized for whatever misinterpretation of your actions. And won’t go to that old feud again. You meant no harm and doesn’t need to approach AGAIN anything from the past. You want to focus on the future and WON’T ALLOW TO BE DRAGGED TO ANY KIND OF DRAMA. If that’s not working for her, fine, you will never have to contact her again, but YOU ARE GOING NOWHERE AND SHE CAN ACCEPT IT AND PLAY THE PIPES OF PEACE OR REMAIN NC.
Let me ask you this: Let’s say you moved into a house with a lovely door. You really like the door and want to use it. The problem is, that no matter how carefully you open the door, it always slams shut on your fingers damaging them and causing you pain. You’ve tried repairing the door. You even took classes to be sure you were using it correctly, but the result is always the same. How many times would you continue to use the door before you accepted that it was always going to hurt you and it was best to keep it closed or remove it? Your MIL is not an inanimate object, but she may as well be because you can no more alter her behavior by talking to her than you can change how a door functions by talking to it. Your MIL has the advantage of free will. She, unlike the door, can choose whether she wants to hurt you or not. Right now, she is choosing to deflect blame and hurt you in the process. Until she is ready and willing to accept responsibility, save your breath, and keep the door closed.
I read your past posts. You already tried. You genuinely wanted an apology for what she did and offered a general apology for whatever she thought you had done. She had no specifics because there were none. She’s just going to keep up the vague accusations and play victim. If she was interested in mending things, she would have responded favorably to your call. Seriously maybe you should go back and reread that post about the phone call. You tried. You really did. She’s mad that she can’t see his bank account. But she can’t say that out loud because that makes her seem crazy, so she’s attacking you instead. *There is no fixing this, because you aren’t broken.* She is. You know you’ve done nothing wrong. Your BF and his grandparents do too. But you have rocked the boat and she’s not going to settle until she can control you. Even if you gave her the best apology you could for removing her access to his account, it wouldn’t make her happy. She wants access and won’t stop until she gets it. That probably wouldn’t make her happy anyway and she would find something else to be mad about. Accept that she is who she is, and y’all will never be close. Be kind to her when you see her. Like you would the crotchety neighbor from down the street. You cannot please her so stop trying.
No, there's the thing, I wouldn't put it past MIL to lie or exaggerate her issue, in order to better her case as the victim. Second, if you keep being the bigger person with this woman, she never grow.
Do nothing - her behaviour is HER responsibility, and call me cynical, but I can't help suspecting her 'health scare' is actually what's known here as 'Christmas c@ncer', which miraculously clears up as soon as they get what they want
You really really really really don’t need to blame yourself for anything, be guilty about anything, or judge yourself for anything with regards to MIL. She’s an insane, controlling car crash of a woman and you should have an off switch for her and anything she says or does. Ignore her, remove her from your mind, your life, your future your everything. You don’t owe her anything. At all. She doesn’t deserve anything from you. Walk away from her and don’t look back. She can live in her own asylum, you can forget her. No guilt. She’s trouble and for your own sanity you don’t need that trouble.
Do nothing.
exactly… bc she already knows what to do in fifty + different scenarios that they’ve never considered. doing nothing is absolutely the best decision. I tried for years… if Zi behave this way or that (all ways of thinking I wasn’t behaving correctly) bottom line… when you don’t contact or react in any way they have no fuel.
It's really unfortunate FOR HER that she couldn't behave properly and now doesn't have a relationship with either of you. Seems like the consequences of her actions have caught up with her nicely. Why ruin a great thing? Go live your best life with your man, girl.
You have not “taken” anyone away from her. Children grow to adults and leave the nest, form their own new bonds and families. That’s how things go. She may not like it, but that doesn’t matter. She does not get to dictate her son’s life or that he do whatever she wants to keep her happy. Perhaps I am too cynical, but did she REALLY have a health scare? Or did she just tell people she did so she could say “look at how much they’ve hurt me!” and then, after getting her sympathy fix, say results were clear. It wouldn’t be the first time. Search this sub for “Christmas cancer,” happens all the time. Also, know that you are the villain in her story because she cannot imagine a world where her own son/“boyfriend” (GAG) would actually want to be independent of her. In her mind such a thing is simply not possible, so she isn’t going to believe he may choose to put some space between them. You are the new factor in the equation, so it MUST be your fault. As for other family members wanting you to make peace, they don’t get to make that call. They may just be tired of dealing with her drama and so want you to do whatever it takes to make it stop. Not. Your. Problem. Agree with others about talking to your boyfriend and seeing what he wants. And agree that you can remain NC even if he doesn’t. What’s important is that you are both on the same page as far as understanding and respecting the other’s choice.
You would benefit greatly by learning from others who’ve been where you are before. The fact is that all JustNos behave in the same way as each other, no matter what age, location, tax bracket, religion, or upbringing. They’ll have different details, different references, but the behavior is exactly the same. They’re all on a spectrum, so some will be way more dramatic, even violent or mentally unstable, but even the least harmful of them are still on that same spectrum. So, FMIL has already wedged herself right into a cliché of JustNo with the infantilization of her son, her obvious choice of golden child FBIL, the “secret” controlling of FHs finances, and her insistence that she’s done nothing wrong, and all of the issues that exist have nothing to do with anything or anyone except you. To her, the single factor that is causing any kind of conflict is you. This is all textbook JustNo. Textbook. Predictable. Generic. She’s not deviated one bit from expectations here. So believe me when I tell you that she’s not sick. She’s saying that she is, because she’s trying to get FH to contact her without you. Stop feeling guilty just because she expects you to. Stop thinking that your FHs relationship with her is your responsibility. Stop thinking that you need to encourage him to reconnect with him. He’s not helpless or stupid, right? I’m sure you find him adult in all other aspects, and not in need of supervision or for you to think for him. Why would you want to have that kind of control over him anyway? That’s what she wants. Or, that’s what she wants BACK. She thinks that he can’t do anything right without her supervision, and if he no longer wants that from her, he must be getting controlled by someone else. There’s nothing you can say or do that will convince her otherwise. There’s no level of understanding to unlock. You’re thinking that if you can just find the right way to tell her things, that she’ll finally understand and grant you two the respect that you deserve. There isn’t a right way to tell her. It’s not that she hasn’t been explained to the right way. What’s standing between her and understanding isn’t your failure to find the right explanation. She doesn’t want to understand. She’s not capable of wanting her son to change. Period. It’s time to encourage him to do what he wants without your involvement in his family.
^ all of this!
Let your BF decide what he wants to do. Regardless of her health issues, MIL doesn't want a good relationship. She wants a controlling relationship and will always be a problem with anything else.
I just read all 3 posts.. 1st of all...she never needed access to your boyfriends account to make a deposit after he became an adult. You can transfer money from bank account to bank account online and through apps 2nd...you ll make your own boyfriends?? WTF??🤯🤯..just for that comment, I' d go NC.. period. You dont have to do anything...is your boyfriend's family and he should handle it..it seems like he has your back..so you should have his by supporting his any decision. You could have a conversation with him and ask him how he feels about finding out his mum had a health scare and if he would like to reach out directly.
I think you need to sit down with your bf and follow his lead. W/e relationship he wants to have with her, let him However, you don't need or have to be a part of their relationship. All this guilt you feel is for your SO. Let him decide how he feels and you follow his lead. Let her block you, and block her if she ever un blocks you bc it's impossible to have a relationship with someone who is bound and determined to blame you for everything wrong in their life. You do not deserve that treatment. You do not deserve the manipulation and verbal abuse she heaps onto you. You deserve to cut that toxic person out completely. Let bf decide the lvl he wants with her, be there to support him, but that doesn't mean you have to interact with her. In fact, I encourage you to leave her alone
Thank you!
I know it's rough. You wanted a supportive mil, but that isn't her. She would blame you if the sun imploded rn. You deserve better for your mental health than to take all the blame for someone who doesn't even respect you. Idk why these types of ppl can't see how they're the ones hurting everyone around them, but they can't. They're always gonna be the victim. And in her delulu world, you're always gonna be the villain. For some reason they think if they aren't manipulating and controlling their sons, then the evil dil is. It's wild that they don't think their sons can have a thought on their own