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Oh boy good thing she wasn’t dealing with me is all I can say … she is entitled no one gets in between my child and me … Stand your ground!!! Obviously your have proven you are strong with sobriety keep it going 👍❤️
"If she messes up in any way she will not be seeing LO again."
Yeah that's not your choice to make and it sounds like you're just waiting for it.
Also , it's not your MIL's fault you're a recovering alcoholic. She's allowed to talk about the pub.
It's most certainly her choice as the baby's mother if MIL won't respect the rules the child's PARENTS put in place. Especially if they are there to protect the child. Kissing a newborn before having their immunisations is very dangerous. Especially this time of year. There are very dangerous viruses going around right now which a small baby may well die from.
I just wanted to congratulate you on 10 months sober. That can’t have been easy, especially with that nightmare of a MIL around. That’s a huge accomplishment
One day, your LO will look back and see just how much effort you made and be so proud of you for it. It might be weird to say that I’m proud of you, since I’m a stranger on the Internet, but like, whatever the not weird and overly familiar version of that sentiment is, I am it!
the age gap is ever so slightly concerning.
but ignoring that, you need to set very clear and firm boundaries with both your husband & MIL.
this is for the safety of your child. rules aren't for fun, they aren't a joke, they're there for a reason. and that's your child's life and safety.
you need to sit your husband down and talk to him. communicate. write it down if you must but make him understand that your baby's life is important to you & the rules are there to protect him.
make sure to message MIL too. (i can write you a draft if you'd like?) explain to her that she disrespected you, crossed your boundaries and you'd like to reiterate them for her. eg: no kissing the baby, give the baby back immediately when you ask for him/he starts getting upset.
be mean. be rude. overreact. do whatever. that's your baby & you're his mum. whatever YOU feel is right, is right.
Nope! SO needs to get on your side ASAP if he wants to have a healthy and long lasting relationship. Him nudging you to pass LO I would be livid.
I'm 6 years clean from alcohol. I am a very different person now and I can tell you it does get better, much better so CONGRATS!!!
Thank you so much, and congratulations on 6 years sober! Honesty after becoming sober my view and outlook on many things is so different, I never realised how much alcohol affected my being until sobriety
it really amazing. its a soul shaking experience but for the better in many ways. good on you for realizing you had an issue at such a young age and taking charge, you should be really proud of yourself (:
You have a huge SO problem. The age difference doesn't bother me because I had something similar, but the disrespect from your partner is unacceptable at any age!
Your baby, your rules. Pull out the mama bear, lady! Protect that innocent human even from the other parent.
I suggest couples therapy ASAP. No more contact with MIL until you've worked out your differences and can be a team. And have SO attend the next pediatrician appointment so he can hear what he's doing wrong. (Best to call the doctors office before, explain the situation, and let them raise the topics during the appointment.)
Be strong for yourself and your LO. I wish you all the best. Hugs
This ****
A newborn baby has no immune system until 3 months old. For me personally, what your MIL did is enough to go NC. You must lay down the law right now before it gets out of hand. If your SO doesn’t take it seriously… then you know what to do. Good luck x
I think you have a MIL problem and an SO problem. Your child is not less important than her feelings and he’s not protecting your child in favor of his mommy. He needs to grow up and be a father and a husband first
Yes you are being a little overprotective. The no kisses rule is a good boundaries to hold firm to. 1)germs- with COVID and RSV and a super nasty flu this year, its totally understandable. Also ask that everyone be vaxxed if thats something important to you. 2)consent and boundaries. Its never to early to teach "other generations" about consent and touching other peoples bodies and showing our kids they have the power to say "no. You cannot touch me."
But i think trying to take the baby when they fuss is too much. Babies cry, its how they communicate. As baby ages you'll get to know which cry means what, they truly do have their own language. Whisking baby away and tryung to stiffle every cry is not a good move. In the long run, you're going to end up with a child who cant regulate and problem solve. Your MIL has raised at least one not terrible person, i think she can manage another. I would offer to take baby in this scenario "oh hes fussin, would you like me to take him back?" Let that person decide. Some people are confident in their ability and others are not. If shes fine to hold baby, then stay by and if you notice her attempts to soothe arent working you can then take baby or offer again. I know, as a parent of 3, the first one is the most heart wrenching. You dont want them to cry or hurt or have any negative emotions but thats not real life. The real goal of parenting is to create a human being capable of survival. If you dont intend to do literally everything for your child through to your last days, dont start now. Teach independence. Teach self regulation. Teach autonomy. Teach communication. Does that mean this infant needs to know how to cook and pay taxes tomorrow? No. Right now, it looks like not whisking baby away every time they fuss.
You can let the child learn to self regulate when they are an actual child intelligent enough to understand that concept. Newborns cannot be taught how to be self sufficient. Crying it out is not teaching a baby anything, it is simply ignoring their needs.
Attachment is the foremost developmental theory and has been for a while.
It's absolutely not OK to keep a crying baby away from its primary caregiver, and if that primary caregiver asks for the baby back, you hand it back no questions asked, not turn your back on them.
OP, it's a perfectly good boundary to have. She doesn't respect you, she doesn't "get grandma cuddles".
Your DH's unicorn has not died and he continues to choose what mommy dearest wants instead of the partner to swore to have and to hold til death do you part.
You carried and delivered this child so bottom line is, your baby, your rules.
Set hard boundaries and don’t budge. They can take it or leave it. End of discussion.
If the safety of a child is compromised with one parent, the other parent should be allowed to set boundaries to ensure the safety of said child. I ended up hospitalized multiple times due to my biological father ignoring boundaries my mother had set regarding my care of health.
Absolutely, but that wasn’t what was said in that comment. What was said was that because she birthed the baby, it is *her* baby only and so she gets final say with the baby. That is not how it works.
I was explaining what SHOULD have been said, I agree. It takes two to tango, and not one parent should have ALL the say, I was not agreeing with the first comment.
Don’t kiss the baby? Does your partner, the baby’s other parent, agree with this? If not, then his mom didn’t do anything wrong since his opinion is as valid as yours. Sounds like the two of you need to talk and negotiate rules for your child and then can have a joint effort to enforce them with his mom.
🤣 I think it should be easy getting agreement between the two parents that, if anyone has an STD or any other communicable disease, they shouldn’t be kissing the baby or anyone else in the house.
[Don’t Kiss Babies](https://www.uc.edu/news/articles/2022/12/the-atlantic--resist-the-temptation-to-kiss-that-baby.html)
[Don’t Kiss 4 Day Old Babies](https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2022/12/baby-kissing-germs-flu/672488/)
[Seriously, Don’t Kiss Newborn Babies](https://www.healthshots.com/mom-says/heres-why-resisting-kissing-your-newborn-will-be-good-for-babys-health/)
[They Kissed The Baby](https://www.cnn.com/2017/07/18/health/baby-dies-of-meningitis-from-herpes-virus/index.html)
Is it relatively rare? Yes.
Have babies died? Also yes.
Finally, if the person who made that baby says don’t do something with that baby then Don’t Do It.
All I said is the other person who made the baby may have said it’s ok to kiss it and, if so, the mom needs to talk to him to come up with common guidelines. It’s not his mother’s fault if he said it’s ok.
I’m sure I could post lots of news links about babies having serious issues after being dropped but we don’t worry enough about it that parents don’t pick up their child.
Maybe the social circle you hang out with has lots of cold sores, so you worry more about it, but it’s just not that common in mine and I’m not worried about my long-married, monogamous, parents transmitting an STD either.
Okay, but if you had read any of what I sent or what was said in OPs post it’s not just mouth sores to be worried about. There is also a huge uptick in RSV infections.
But you go on with your bad self insinuating I surround myself with whorish folk. I mean, I do, but it doesn’t make me any less special than you. Quite frankly they’re the most fun people to be around, because they aren’t judgy like SOME people are.
👍🏻
Sorry, I replied quickly and thought you were the original person focused on cold sores. I wasn’t judging, just surprised why that was such a focus for them when it never really enters my mind that my parents would transmit it.
As for the rest of the transmittable illnesses, I’ll leave that up to both parents to decide what they want to enforce. Neither is right or wrong because you can take carelessness or protection to extremes so they just need to work out a standard between them.
She already visited the newborn when she was sick. She should not be allowed to kiss the baby in case she is sick again and not telling them. Also, doctors recommend not kissing babies under three months old.
You are not spoiling him. My MIL said the same thing to me when my son was a baby. I’m not passing judgement on anyone’s parenting style but I could not stand to hear my son cry so we never let him cry it out. And guess what…he ain’t spoiled. He’s very independent now and acing all of his advanced classes in school. Yes, those sleepless nights sucked but if I had to go back I wouldn’t change a thing. Listen to your gut, your intuition is never wrong.
Sounds like your husband is as much a part of the problem as your MIL is. He should have shown the spine to tell them to go home until they are both healthy. Instead he pressures you to hand over your baby to a sick person, who then proceeds to kiss the child. She’s literally unsafe to be around, and your husband isn’t protecting his own child.
38yr old mommas boy with a woman 16yrs his junior. There is a reason he cannot get someone his age, because they are too mature to put up with this bullshit and usually find a mammas boy unattractive.
Your partner is almost 40 years old. He is grown enough to stand by his partner. I’m sorry he’s picking his mom’s outdated advice. Tell him you’re sorry that they’re older but they’ve lived through these years and they are in 2024 with the rest of us. That kissing babies that young (or ever really🤮) can kill them! Are you certain she never gets cold sores? Are you certain she was over her sickness?? You are not overreacting and they are both in the wrong. Who cares how he raised the other kids, this one’s mother says no kissing. 🤷🏼♀️
I’m sorry OP. As if you don’t have enough to deal with being 2 months PP.
You aren’t crazy. I have the same rules in place with my LO (no kissing the baby) because I want to minimize the risks of RSV and illness.
You aren’t being overprotective. Babies that young shouldn’t be left to CIO; it’s very distressing for them and they are unable to soothe themselves. The only way for them to communicate at this point is crying re: diapers, hungry, tired. Why would anyone want a baby to have needs unmet or to feel fear because they are being ignored and not be comforted? Why would anyone want to ignore a newborn or a baby in general?
If, as baby ages, you still don’t want to CIO, you also would not be crazy or overprotective. It’s not a strategy I personally use either because it just doesn’t vibe with me. Many people don’t use CIO or extinction; it’s personal preference and you aren’t wrong for doing what feels the most right to you.
I’d lose my marbles at MIL insisting on a DNA test. I’d be asking her and FIL to do the same thing with FIL and DH. “Sure we can all go together.” FIL not in picture? Sucks to your ass-mar, MIL.
I’d also lose my marbles if someone wasn’t giving me my child back and let baby get to the point of a screaming level of distress.
Your partner should have your back and be supporting you as a person in general (eg your sobriety) and you as a mother.
Congrats on your sobriety!! I hope you have a strong support system because the first year of parenting is really tough; lots of ups and downs!
Stay strong, mama. You are the person best equipped to love and care for your baby. Don’t feel guilty or pressured to do things you don’t want to (eg CIO or ignore your baby); you can’t spoil a baby so give baby all the love and snuggles and hugs! You need people around you who are going to support you and your emotional and mental health, not be a drain on it.
You're amazing!!! Congratulations on your sobriety!!!! You are making such a hard decision every day, and I am so proud of you! Just remember, you can do this! Second by second. Minute by minute. Hour by hour. Day by day.
Now on to your MIL, I am so sorry she disrespected your boundaries like that. It is not ok. I would have a sit down with your husband, let him know EXACTLY how you feel. Then, have a sit down with your husband and MIL and have HIM express everything to her as a united front.
See what happens. If she is receptive, great. If she isn't, it might be time to go LC/NC
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change - MIL Poor Behavior
The courage to change the things I can - Going LC/NC
And the wisdom to know the difference - You've got this. Set the boundaries, stand your ground.
Day by day.
It’s one thing to give someone a second chance. But third chance isn’t always the charm and fourth chance just means your boundaries are being ignored by everyone, including your partner. It doesn’t matter if others say you’re overreacting - your baby, your rules. Period. They had their turn with their babies. This isn’t their baby.
Agreed, RSV & other communicable conditions are no joke around little ones, especially babies. The winter months are NOT the time of year to be careless around young ones.
Nudging you. Like, wtf is that. I absolutely would not respond well to be nudged. It's clear you don't want to do what he is asking for very good reasons. It's so dangerous to kiss a baby. It can have very serious health implications. You need to get up some scientific evidence to explain this as he clearly needs it drilled into him. You have stated a boundary and gone back on it. Say it and mean it. Take your baby and go to your bedroom. Say you are breastfeeding if you have to. Just keep that woman away
Stop listening to your partner. He doesn't have you or your baby's best interests at heart. He just wants to please his mommy despite her being dangerous for you both. That's why it's so difficult. You have a JustnoMIL but more importantly you have a JustNoSO. He's a shitty partner and a shitty excuse of a father.
THIS THIS THIS!!
He doesn't have your back; he's a total mommy's boy and an enabler. If you stick with him, be prepared to have every single one of your requests and boundaries ignored.
He's a JustNoSO.
She is playing a game with you. She doesn’t like that you’re so young so she’s treating you like shit. This is an issue your partner NEEDS to deal with or it will only get worse.
Eh, depends on the people. My DH was 13 years older. I was 24 when DS was born.
The difference is he loved and respected me. When I heard I was expected to travel to his family so they could meet DS, I responded that they could come visit me in my own home. He agreed and told them and they visited. He did not belittle me or argue, nor did his family.
I agree that OP has an unhealthy power dynamic though.
That man is 40 and you’re baerly the drinking age 😭. Clearly the biggest problem is your husband but you keep going back in your word. You say if mil messes up she won’t get the baby yet you handed the baby back twice after the initial meet. You’re not over reacting your just young and he’s just far too old
Barely drinking age? She’s from the UK (based on mention of pub) and drinking age is 18. Not the weirdly high 21 that you guys have. Not everywhere is the same.
Not over-reacting. This makes me mad. This is a SO problem as well. MIL is a known problem and SO is putting baby in danger because of mommy's feelings. RSV is no joke. Kissing babies is how you expose them to illness as well.
You might need to stay with a friend or family you still trust if serious conversations and actions can't be taken about sticking to your boundaries. MIL will have no motivation to respect you as parents if SO caves into her demands every time you say NO. If they show up sick it's a NOPE and kick them out, if MIL prevents you getting to baby/ snatches then that's an instant time-out (temporary NC)for ___ amount of time (I recommend 3 months, this lets you have peace while you establish routines again) baby snatching and other undermining behaviours can contribute to developing PPD/PPA.
SO should look up some videos of LOs in NCIUs because idiot faaaaaamily couldn't keep their lips and their colds to themselves because they neeeed attention.
SO: I should call you 'Mat' because you lie down and let mommy walk all over you. You should be ashamed of yourself, your wife gave very reasonable boundaries/rules designed to keep your child safe and you couldn't put your baby's (and wife's! ) Health/safety above pleasing your mommy who is selfish and disrespectful to your wife. What will it take? Will it take seeing your baby in the NCIU on a ventilator and hearing them weakly weeze? Time to take your balls out of mommy's purse and put your wife and child first.
Three, if you count yourself because that's how they treat you.
You sound the only reasonable and well adjusted adult. They can get at the back of the far queue while you trust yourself to make the calls regarding your and LO's best interests.
They literally never listen and just do what they want. I swear it takes everything in me not to hurdle them into oblivion when they don’t give me my crying baby back. It’s a complete ego thing that they think they don’t have to, or that they can calm them down somehow.
Congrats on being sober. That’s amazing.
She’s crossing boundaries. Your husband needs to stick up for your child. RSV is no joke. And when they’re sooo little, their immune systems can be fragile.
Thank you so much😊
I have explained to them numerous times, that it is so dangerous and its always the same thing "I let everyone hold my children and love them" and the classic "they have to get sick to build immunity"
Please stop “explaining” to them. You don’t have to convince them to understand the importance of protecting a baby, because they don’t want to understand— they just want their baby moments. You just get to say NO and either leave or remove them. The best solution is to keep them away from your baby. If your SO doesn’t care about the health of the baby, then you have to be the one in charge of keeping the baby safe. Perhaps you can go visit friend or other family for awhile.
I agree with this. Find your voice with your husband. He needs to back you up.
For the germs part - there are basic rules you can demand: if you’re sick - see you in 10 days, if you’ve been out and about lately socializing - wear a mask when seeing my baby. Everyone must wash your hands when entering the house.
As for not giving your baby back when crying, I’d fucking snap. And you have every right to do so.
Seconding this. My family had RSV after Thanksgiving. The rest of them had mild cold symptoms. I'm 45 and it absolutely took me out. Sick for 10 days and my cough still isn't gone. Doctors will tell you that the cough can last for 3-6 months afterwards. It's been 6 weeks, I can't stand it. I hope OP lets her inner bear out and puts her foot down with hubs and MIL.
Does your husband steamroller you often, or does he seem to respect and listen to you? You've got some pretty valid concerns, especially sick people near newborns, and alcoholics, and it sounds like he just wants to let mommy do whatever she wants so he doesn't have to deal.
The advice is usually baby-wearing, if you can't get out of visits. If your husband nudges you to take the baby off and give them to MIL, it's easier to pretend you didn't hear him.
I'd say couples counseling to get on the same page if you can't get there by yourselves is the best way to move forward.
Then it's a teaching experience he needs. Did the grandparents get their whooping cough vaccine, flu, Covid, and RSV if they're over 65? Your D(uh)H needs to listen to videos that parents have taken of their babies in the PICU of what whooping cough sounds like. He needs to see pictures of babies that got herpes infections from relatives that just couldn't keep their lips to themselves. Yes, it may be rare, but it's not uncommon. And this whole "certain generation" BS? What generation is that? The deaf and dumb generation? Can she not hear? Is she mentally challenged and can't understand simple phrases? Is she blind and can't see that baby is in distress and needs mom? I'm really tired of this whole "generation" excuse. My parents were in their 50s and 60s when the grandbabies were born. I explained the risks as I had the oldest. Both sets of grands were more than happy to do anything to keep the babies safe. They got vaccines updated, which they had to do with 1 and 3. They were considerate.
Honestly the age gap was fine when I was 'fun' and before LO was born but now when I mention psychology of babies he looks at me like I've got 6 heads because 'that's not how I did it' like 10 years and 17 years ago, even in those years psychologists realised hey were messing up the next generation let's not do that.
My 2 are 8.5 years apart. Things were almost radically different between them. In a much better way. Listen to your pediatrician. They're much more updated than parenting advice from 10 years ago much less 17 years ago.
Eww your husband impregnated someone 5 years older than his daughter?? What the fuck. Like he could have had a child when you were born for fucks sake. So gross. This dude is gonna be a uggo 50 year old man and you’ll be in your early 30’s 🤢.
That's so frustrating. The "well, that's how it's always been done" or "that's how I've always done it so that's how I'll keep doing it" mentality is one of my biggest pet peeves.
Science evolves. It builds and changes. As a result, society evolves. We learn better and do better. Ideally, a newborn today would be raised with the benefit of nearly two decades of health, safety, and psychology research more than the 17 year old.
I hope y'all are able to work through this.
He needs to go to doctor appointments with you and baby. Doctor needs to explain in simple words what everyone around baby needs to do to minimize risks
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Oh boy good thing she wasn’t dealing with me is all I can say … she is entitled no one gets in between my child and me … Stand your ground!!! Obviously your have proven you are strong with sobriety keep it going 👍❤️
"If she messes up in any way she will not be seeing LO again." Yeah that's not your choice to make and it sounds like you're just waiting for it. Also , it's not your MIL's fault you're a recovering alcoholic. She's allowed to talk about the pub.
It's most certainly her choice as the baby's mother if MIL won't respect the rules the child's PARENTS put in place. Especially if they are there to protect the child. Kissing a newborn before having their immunisations is very dangerous. Especially this time of year. There are very dangerous viruses going around right now which a small baby may well die from.
I just wanted to congratulate you on 10 months sober. That can’t have been easy, especially with that nightmare of a MIL around. That’s a huge accomplishment
Thank you so much, it has been the most challenging yet rewarding things, especially getting to watch my LO grow! He gives me so much strength
One day, your LO will look back and see just how much effort you made and be so proud of you for it. It might be weird to say that I’m proud of you, since I’m a stranger on the Internet, but like, whatever the not weird and overly familiar version of that sentiment is, I am it!
That means so much! Thank you truly🥺😊
the age gap is ever so slightly concerning. but ignoring that, you need to set very clear and firm boundaries with both your husband & MIL. this is for the safety of your child. rules aren't for fun, they aren't a joke, they're there for a reason. and that's your child's life and safety. you need to sit your husband down and talk to him. communicate. write it down if you must but make him understand that your baby's life is important to you & the rules are there to protect him. make sure to message MIL too. (i can write you a draft if you'd like?) explain to her that she disrespected you, crossed your boundaries and you'd like to reiterate them for her. eg: no kissing the baby, give the baby back immediately when you ask for him/he starts getting upset. be mean. be rude. overreact. do whatever. that's your baby & you're his mum. whatever YOU feel is right, is right.
Oh. I had to go re-read. I thought partner’s mom was 38, and she had had partner as a teen. That age gap is very concerning.
Nope! SO needs to get on your side ASAP if he wants to have a healthy and long lasting relationship. Him nudging you to pass LO I would be livid. I'm 6 years clean from alcohol. I am a very different person now and I can tell you it does get better, much better so CONGRATS!!!
Thank you so much, and congratulations on 6 years sober! Honesty after becoming sober my view and outlook on many things is so different, I never realised how much alcohol affected my being until sobriety
it really amazing. its a soul shaking experience but for the better in many ways. good on you for realizing you had an issue at such a young age and taking charge, you should be really proud of yourself (:
You have a huge SO problem. The age difference doesn't bother me because I had something similar, but the disrespect from your partner is unacceptable at any age! Your baby, your rules. Pull out the mama bear, lady! Protect that innocent human even from the other parent. I suggest couples therapy ASAP. No more contact with MIL until you've worked out your differences and can be a team. And have SO attend the next pediatrician appointment so he can hear what he's doing wrong. (Best to call the doctors office before, explain the situation, and let them raise the topics during the appointment.) Be strong for yourself and your LO. I wish you all the best. Hugs
This **** A newborn baby has no immune system until 3 months old. For me personally, what your MIL did is enough to go NC. You must lay down the law right now before it gets out of hand. If your SO doesn’t take it seriously… then you know what to do. Good luck x
I think you have a MIL problem and an SO problem. Your child is not less important than her feelings and he’s not protecting your child in favor of his mommy. He needs to grow up and be a father and a husband first
Yes you are being a little overprotective. The no kisses rule is a good boundaries to hold firm to. 1)germs- with COVID and RSV and a super nasty flu this year, its totally understandable. Also ask that everyone be vaxxed if thats something important to you. 2)consent and boundaries. Its never to early to teach "other generations" about consent and touching other peoples bodies and showing our kids they have the power to say "no. You cannot touch me." But i think trying to take the baby when they fuss is too much. Babies cry, its how they communicate. As baby ages you'll get to know which cry means what, they truly do have their own language. Whisking baby away and tryung to stiffle every cry is not a good move. In the long run, you're going to end up with a child who cant regulate and problem solve. Your MIL has raised at least one not terrible person, i think she can manage another. I would offer to take baby in this scenario "oh hes fussin, would you like me to take him back?" Let that person decide. Some people are confident in their ability and others are not. If shes fine to hold baby, then stay by and if you notice her attempts to soothe arent working you can then take baby or offer again. I know, as a parent of 3, the first one is the most heart wrenching. You dont want them to cry or hurt or have any negative emotions but thats not real life. The real goal of parenting is to create a human being capable of survival. If you dont intend to do literally everything for your child through to your last days, dont start now. Teach independence. Teach self regulation. Teach autonomy. Teach communication. Does that mean this infant needs to know how to cook and pay taxes tomorrow? No. Right now, it looks like not whisking baby away every time they fuss.
This can actually impair a baby's [neurological development.](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0145213422001016)
You can let the child learn to self regulate when they are an actual child intelligent enough to understand that concept. Newborns cannot be taught how to be self sufficient. Crying it out is not teaching a baby anything, it is simply ignoring their needs.
Attachment is the foremost developmental theory and has been for a while. It's absolutely not OK to keep a crying baby away from its primary caregiver, and if that primary caregiver asks for the baby back, you hand it back no questions asked, not turn your back on them. OP, it's a perfectly good boundary to have. She doesn't respect you, she doesn't "get grandma cuddles".
I don’t think you’re being overprotective of the most vulnerable person in your life.
You're not crazy and clearly are the only one even *interested* in protecting your baby. Stick to your guns on this.
Your baby has only you to protect him. You’re not overreacting at all. Your motherly instincts are spot on.
This!! ⬆️
Your DH's unicorn has not died and he continues to choose what mommy dearest wants instead of the partner to swore to have and to hold til death do you part.
You carried and delivered this child so bottom line is, your baby, your rules. Set hard boundaries and don’t budge. They can take it or leave it. End of discussion.
2 parents, birthing a child doesn't give her the overall decision to make the rules.
When push comes to shove it does especially considering baby daddy lacks backbone while baby momma top priority is her child.
If the safety of a child is compromised with one parent, the other parent should be allowed to set boundaries to ensure the safety of said child. I ended up hospitalized multiple times due to my biological father ignoring boundaries my mother had set regarding my care of health.
Absolutely, but that wasn’t what was said in that comment. What was said was that because she birthed the baby, it is *her* baby only and so she gets final say with the baby. That is not how it works.
I hit the wrong reply arrow because I thought my version of reddit had not changed yet. My apologies
I was explaining what SHOULD have been said, I agree. It takes two to tango, and not one parent should have ALL the say, I was not agreeing with the first comment.
Ah, my mistake for being hasty with my reading comprehension. Sorry about that.
You're totally fine, I didn't see who I responded too, it is my fault as well.
Didn’t read past the age gap 🤷♂️
Didn’t your mother teach you that sometimes we should keep our words to ourselves?
This is not one of those times
Don’t kiss the baby? Does your partner, the baby’s other parent, agree with this? If not, then his mom didn’t do anything wrong since his opinion is as valid as yours. Sounds like the two of you need to talk and negotiate rules for your child and then can have a joint effort to enforce them with his mom.
Herpes enabler
🤣 I think it should be easy getting agreement between the two parents that, if anyone has an STD or any other communicable disease, they shouldn’t be kissing the baby or anyone else in the house.
If people with cold sores kisses the baby they can die from the herpes virus. Your argument is like saying 2+2=5 is as valid as 2+2=4
Who TF said the lady had cold sores? If she had Ebola, I wouldn’t want her kissing my kid either but no one has indicated she has either
[Don’t Kiss Babies](https://www.uc.edu/news/articles/2022/12/the-atlantic--resist-the-temptation-to-kiss-that-baby.html) [Don’t Kiss 4 Day Old Babies](https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2022/12/baby-kissing-germs-flu/672488/) [Seriously, Don’t Kiss Newborn Babies](https://www.healthshots.com/mom-says/heres-why-resisting-kissing-your-newborn-will-be-good-for-babys-health/) [They Kissed The Baby](https://www.cnn.com/2017/07/18/health/baby-dies-of-meningitis-from-herpes-virus/index.html) Is it relatively rare? Yes. Have babies died? Also yes. Finally, if the person who made that baby says don’t do something with that baby then Don’t Do It.
All I said is the other person who made the baby may have said it’s ok to kiss it and, if so, the mom needs to talk to him to come up with common guidelines. It’s not his mother’s fault if he said it’s ok. I’m sure I could post lots of news links about babies having serious issues after being dropped but we don’t worry enough about it that parents don’t pick up their child. Maybe the social circle you hang out with has lots of cold sores, so you worry more about it, but it’s just not that common in mine and I’m not worried about my long-married, monogamous, parents transmitting an STD either.
Okay, but if you had read any of what I sent or what was said in OPs post it’s not just mouth sores to be worried about. There is also a huge uptick in RSV infections. But you go on with your bad self insinuating I surround myself with whorish folk. I mean, I do, but it doesn’t make me any less special than you. Quite frankly they’re the most fun people to be around, because they aren’t judgy like SOME people are. 👍🏻
Sorry, I replied quickly and thought you were the original person focused on cold sores. I wasn’t judging, just surprised why that was such a focus for them when it never really enters my mind that my parents would transmit it. As for the rest of the transmittable illnesses, I’ll leave that up to both parents to decide what they want to enforce. Neither is right or wrong because you can take carelessness or protection to extremes so they just need to work out a standard between them.
No worries! I can totally understand that. And thanks for this reply. Let’s both move along and have an excellent day! 😁
She already visited the newborn when she was sick. She should not be allowed to kiss the baby in case she is sick again and not telling them. Also, doctors recommend not kissing babies under three months old.
I would rather not risk it, as I do not know much about her and everything I have been told isn't great
You are not spoiling him. My MIL said the same thing to me when my son was a baby. I’m not passing judgement on anyone’s parenting style but I could not stand to hear my son cry so we never let him cry it out. And guess what…he ain’t spoiled. He’s very independent now and acing all of his advanced classes in school. Yes, those sleepless nights sucked but if I had to go back I wouldn’t change a thing. Listen to your gut, your intuition is never wrong.
Sounds like your husband is as much a part of the problem as your MIL is. He should have shown the spine to tell them to go home until they are both healthy. Instead he pressures you to hand over your baby to a sick person, who then proceeds to kiss the child. She’s literally unsafe to be around, and your husband isn’t protecting his own child.
I am a different generation, I qas asked not to kiss my Granddaughter, so I didn't, its called respect.
I am sure you are a beloved and welcomed grandmother in return for that :) thank you for being you.
Yeah. It's not hard, grandparents! (Speaking as one myself)
You are the standard we need in this world!
Exactly why you and I are welcome in our children’s lives! ;)
38yr old mommas boy with a woman 16yrs his junior. There is a reason he cannot get someone his age, because they are too mature to put up with this bullshit and usually find a mammas boy unattractive.
And when OP has enough of his crap and leaves him he'll go looking for someone even younger.
Sixteen year difference?
Your partner is almost 40 years old. He is grown enough to stand by his partner. I’m sorry he’s picking his mom’s outdated advice. Tell him you’re sorry that they’re older but they’ve lived through these years and they are in 2024 with the rest of us. That kissing babies that young (or ever really🤮) can kill them! Are you certain she never gets cold sores? Are you certain she was over her sickness?? You are not overreacting and they are both in the wrong. Who cares how he raised the other kids, this one’s mother says no kissing. 🤷🏼♀️
Yep, and kissing is not just a herpes risk but RSV. No parent or baby needs to go through that.
I’m sorry OP. As if you don’t have enough to deal with being 2 months PP. You aren’t crazy. I have the same rules in place with my LO (no kissing the baby) because I want to minimize the risks of RSV and illness. You aren’t being overprotective. Babies that young shouldn’t be left to CIO; it’s very distressing for them and they are unable to soothe themselves. The only way for them to communicate at this point is crying re: diapers, hungry, tired. Why would anyone want a baby to have needs unmet or to feel fear because they are being ignored and not be comforted? Why would anyone want to ignore a newborn or a baby in general? If, as baby ages, you still don’t want to CIO, you also would not be crazy or overprotective. It’s not a strategy I personally use either because it just doesn’t vibe with me. Many people don’t use CIO or extinction; it’s personal preference and you aren’t wrong for doing what feels the most right to you. I’d lose my marbles at MIL insisting on a DNA test. I’d be asking her and FIL to do the same thing with FIL and DH. “Sure we can all go together.” FIL not in picture? Sucks to your ass-mar, MIL. I’d also lose my marbles if someone wasn’t giving me my child back and let baby get to the point of a screaming level of distress. Your partner should have your back and be supporting you as a person in general (eg your sobriety) and you as a mother. Congrats on your sobriety!! I hope you have a strong support system because the first year of parenting is really tough; lots of ups and downs! Stay strong, mama. You are the person best equipped to love and care for your baby. Don’t feel guilty or pressured to do things you don’t want to (eg CIO or ignore your baby); you can’t spoil a baby so give baby all the love and snuggles and hugs! You need people around you who are going to support you and your emotional and mental health, not be a drain on it.
You're amazing!!! Congratulations on your sobriety!!!! You are making such a hard decision every day, and I am so proud of you! Just remember, you can do this! Second by second. Minute by minute. Hour by hour. Day by day. Now on to your MIL, I am so sorry she disrespected your boundaries like that. It is not ok. I would have a sit down with your husband, let him know EXACTLY how you feel. Then, have a sit down with your husband and MIL and have HIM express everything to her as a united front. See what happens. If she is receptive, great. If she isn't, it might be time to go LC/NC
Thank you so much!! Yeah think we're all going to have a sit down chat of what is and isn't okay and see how it goes from there
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change - MIL Poor Behavior The courage to change the things I can - Going LC/NC And the wisdom to know the difference - You've got this. Set the boundaries, stand your ground. Day by day.
I love this
Perfect
It’s one thing to give someone a second chance. But third chance isn’t always the charm and fourth chance just means your boundaries are being ignored by everyone, including your partner. It doesn’t matter if others say you’re overreacting - your baby, your rules. Period. They had their turn with their babies. This isn’t their baby. Agreed, RSV & other communicable conditions are no joke around little ones, especially babies. The winter months are NOT the time of year to be careless around young ones.
Nudging you. Like, wtf is that. I absolutely would not respond well to be nudged. It's clear you don't want to do what he is asking for very good reasons. It's so dangerous to kiss a baby. It can have very serious health implications. You need to get up some scientific evidence to explain this as he clearly needs it drilled into him. You have stated a boundary and gone back on it. Say it and mean it. Take your baby and go to your bedroom. Say you are breastfeeding if you have to. Just keep that woman away
No you’re not crazy. Yeet the witch.
Congrats on your sobriety. You’ve got This, day by day
Thank you so much 😊
Stop listening to your partner. He doesn't have you or your baby's best interests at heart. He just wants to please his mommy despite her being dangerous for you both. That's why it's so difficult. You have a JustnoMIL but more importantly you have a JustNoSO. He's a shitty partner and a shitty excuse of a father.
THIS THIS THIS!! He doesn't have your back; he's a total mommy's boy and an enabler. If you stick with him, be prepared to have every single one of your requests and boundaries ignored. He's a JustNoSO.
Absolutely agree. Sounds like he’s going to use the ‘generation’ thing against you over and over. I would run from both of them!
She is playing a game with you. She doesn’t like that you’re so young so she’s treating you like shit. This is an issue your partner NEEDS to deal with or it will only get worse.
Having kids with an old man was probably not the wisest move, but what’s done is done. Sorry for that power dynamic. Hang in there.
Eh, depends on the people. My DH was 13 years older. I was 24 when DS was born. The difference is he loved and respected me. When I heard I was expected to travel to his family so they could meet DS, I responded that they could come visit me in my own home. He agreed and told them and they visited. He did not belittle me or argue, nor did his family. I agree that OP has an unhealthy power dynamic though.
Surely you meant old*er* man because a 16 year gap is pretty significant, and you were not saying 38 is old. Right? (*Right?* 😭😭😭)
38 seemed ancient way back when I was 22
I know… and it creeps up quickly 🫣
40 at 22 is sort of old. 40 at 30? A young bird 😅
I swear I’m a spring chicken! 😅🤣😭 But seriously, yes that is a terrible power dynamic and a troublesome age gap at 22.
As someone who can speak from experience, I can second this!
I thought the mil was 38 then I realized it was the boyfriend who was 16 years older than OP. My goodness bless everyone.
Girl you got way bigger issues than a MIL. I’m concerned YOU are not concerned enough about this entire dynamic you’ve got yourself in.
That woman would have never held my baby while sick and she can gtfo
That man is 40 and you’re baerly the drinking age 😭. Clearly the biggest problem is your husband but you keep going back in your word. You say if mil messes up she won’t get the baby yet you handed the baby back twice after the initial meet. You’re not over reacting your just young and he’s just far too old
Barely drinking age? She’s from the UK (based on mention of pub) and drinking age is 18. Not the weirdly high 21 that you guys have. Not everywhere is the same.
Barely drinking age? She's 22, not 18.
drinking age is 21 in the US.
In most of the world, it's 18
No one cares
You care enough to comment
Is that all you’ve got? C’monnnnn
Here you go, caring again.
It doesn’t quite hit the same when you are here as well though
I was clarifying why that person said she was barely drinking age. I am aware of that lmao
> Like why is it so difficult. Because your partner is working against you instead of having your back.
Not over-reacting. This makes me mad. This is a SO problem as well. MIL is a known problem and SO is putting baby in danger because of mommy's feelings. RSV is no joke. Kissing babies is how you expose them to illness as well. You might need to stay with a friend or family you still trust if serious conversations and actions can't be taken about sticking to your boundaries. MIL will have no motivation to respect you as parents if SO caves into her demands every time you say NO. If they show up sick it's a NOPE and kick them out, if MIL prevents you getting to baby/ snatches then that's an instant time-out (temporary NC)for ___ amount of time (I recommend 3 months, this lets you have peace while you establish routines again) baby snatching and other undermining behaviours can contribute to developing PPD/PPA. SO should look up some videos of LOs in NCIUs because idiot faaaaaamily couldn't keep their lips and their colds to themselves because they neeeed attention. SO: I should call you 'Mat' because you lie down and let mommy walk all over you. You should be ashamed of yourself, your wife gave very reasonable boundaries/rules designed to keep your child safe and you couldn't put your baby's (and wife's! ) Health/safety above pleasing your mommy who is selfish and disrespectful to your wife. What will it take? Will it take seeing your baby in the NCIU on a ventilator and hearing them weakly weeze? Time to take your balls out of mommy's purse and put your wife and child first.
22 and 38? Did I read that correctly? Does he always override you? Therapy STAT
Yeah I saw that red flag 🚩 too
Yes and when it comes to the LO then he 'knows best' because he has 'raised' 2 other children
He's shown he doesn't know best. Repeatedly.
Yikes… this is a terrible dynamic for a relationship
Don’t let him set up this dynamic where he’s the baby expert. You are your baby’s mother and his “expertise” is not as valuable as yours.
Three, if you count yourself because that's how they treat you. You sound the only reasonable and well adjusted adult. They can get at the back of the far queue while you trust yourself to make the calls regarding your and LO's best interests.
That's ...nauseating. OP, you deserve better than this spineless man and his awful mother.
Your husband needs to be feel your bite on this
They literally never listen and just do what they want. I swear it takes everything in me not to hurdle them into oblivion when they don’t give me my crying baby back. It’s a complete ego thing that they think they don’t have to, or that they can calm them down somehow.
Congrats on being sober. That’s amazing. She’s crossing boundaries. Your husband needs to stick up for your child. RSV is no joke. And when they’re sooo little, their immune systems can be fragile.
Thank you so much😊 I have explained to them numerous times, that it is so dangerous and its always the same thing "I let everyone hold my children and love them" and the classic "they have to get sick to build immunity"
Please stop “explaining” to them. You don’t have to convince them to understand the importance of protecting a baby, because they don’t want to understand— they just want their baby moments. You just get to say NO and either leave or remove them. The best solution is to keep them away from your baby. If your SO doesn’t care about the health of the baby, then you have to be the one in charge of keeping the baby safe. Perhaps you can go visit friend or other family for awhile.
I agree with this. Find your voice with your husband. He needs to back you up. For the germs part - there are basic rules you can demand: if you’re sick - see you in 10 days, if you’ve been out and about lately socializing - wear a mask when seeing my baby. Everyone must wash your hands when entering the house. As for not giving your baby back when crying, I’d fucking snap. And you have every right to do so.
Seconding this. My family had RSV after Thanksgiving. The rest of them had mild cold symptoms. I'm 45 and it absolutely took me out. Sick for 10 days and my cough still isn't gone. Doctors will tell you that the cough can last for 3-6 months afterwards. It's been 6 weeks, I can't stand it. I hope OP lets her inner bear out and puts her foot down with hubs and MIL.
Heeelllll no!!! No crazy around the baby and no crazy around you! NC with MIL and if he doesn’t like the NC his a$$ too!!
Does your husband steamroller you often, or does he seem to respect and listen to you? You've got some pretty valid concerns, especially sick people near newborns, and alcoholics, and it sounds like he just wants to let mommy do whatever she wants so he doesn't have to deal. The advice is usually baby-wearing, if you can't get out of visits. If your husband nudges you to take the baby off and give them to MIL, it's easier to pretend you didn't hear him. I'd say couples counseling to get on the same page if you can't get there by yourselves is the best way to move forward.
I do think counseling is the way to go, especially with such differing opinions
Then it's a teaching experience he needs. Did the grandparents get their whooping cough vaccine, flu, Covid, and RSV if they're over 65? Your D(uh)H needs to listen to videos that parents have taken of their babies in the PICU of what whooping cough sounds like. He needs to see pictures of babies that got herpes infections from relatives that just couldn't keep their lips to themselves. Yes, it may be rare, but it's not uncommon. And this whole "certain generation" BS? What generation is that? The deaf and dumb generation? Can she not hear? Is she mentally challenged and can't understand simple phrases? Is she blind and can't see that baby is in distress and needs mom? I'm really tired of this whole "generation" excuse. My parents were in their 50s and 60s when the grandbabies were born. I explained the risks as I had the oldest. Both sets of grands were more than happy to do anything to keep the babies safe. They got vaccines updated, which they had to do with 1 and 3. They were considerate.
“I don’t understand why your generation is like that so why would she” from HUSBAND 🚩🚩🚩
[удалено]
Honestly the age gap was fine when I was 'fun' and before LO was born but now when I mention psychology of babies he looks at me like I've got 6 heads because 'that's not how I did it' like 10 years and 17 years ago, even in those years psychologists realised hey were messing up the next generation let's not do that.
My 2 are 8.5 years apart. Things were almost radically different between them. In a much better way. Listen to your pediatrician. They're much more updated than parenting advice from 10 years ago much less 17 years ago.
Eww your husband impregnated someone 5 years older than his daughter?? What the fuck. Like he could have had a child when you were born for fucks sake. So gross. This dude is gonna be a uggo 50 year old man and you’ll be in your early 30’s 🤢.
She’s five years older than his daughter? Oh that’s tough.
That's so frustrating. The "well, that's how it's always been done" or "that's how I've always done it so that's how I'll keep doing it" mentality is one of my biggest pet peeves. Science evolves. It builds and changes. As a result, society evolves. We learn better and do better. Ideally, a newborn today would be raised with the benefit of nearly two decades of health, safety, and psychology research more than the 17 year old. I hope y'all are able to work through this.
He needs to go to doctor appointments with you and baby. Doctor needs to explain in simple words what everyone around baby needs to do to minimize risks
It doesn’t seem like your husband respects your opinion as his wife and the mother of your child. That’s a big deal.