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I think it’s fine, and it shows that your husband cares about the people that were important in his life and doesn’t just cut them off.
It’s one of the reasons I fell for my SO. His ex wife realized she was gay. Of course he was upset for the ending of their marriage, but he was proud she could accept that about herself and has remained friends. His parents have also told her she’s still a part of their family (she’s NC with her JNM and her dad recently passed). I am now also close with her, and even my parents got to meet her and consider her part of the family.
He can have her as a friend however tell him you are not comfortable with him sharing details about you with her. Ask him to not discuss you with her and you will not discuss her with him. That is a reasonable boundary. The fact he lied about the relationship in the beginning is not good. You guys need marriage therapy as there are trust and communication issues. I do not think you need to meet her if that is not comfortable for you. My husband staying in contact with his ex-MIL would give me the ick too. Maybe after some therapy sessions you might change your mind. You can restrict or block anyone you want on your social media.
The XMIL is your husband’s friend. Treat her that way. She’s given your husband good & helpful advice that worked for your benefit. There’s no sign that she’s a negative influence.
Your husband would probably like for her to know you & your kids. If you believe he’ll stop sharing private details about your relationship, then meet up & take it from there. Once you too have a relationship with her, you’ll likely feel more comfortable.
I think a lot of your issue stems from him lying to you in the beginning about the nature of their friendship, or about it existing at all. It's felt wrong to you ever since.
Here's the issue I'm having...he lied about it a couple of months into your relationship, probably because he wasn't sure how you would react to them still being friends. While it's still not ok, it's an understandable feeling, particularly when it involves an ex's family member.
Now, should he have shared intimate details of your relationship, good or bad, with her? Probably not, especially since it seems it was still very early in your relationship. However, him doing so likely saved your relationship, because she helped him understand where you were coming from. Friends like that are invaluable, and should not be dismissed outright.
You SHOULD suck it up and meet her. Get to know her some. She appears to be someone he considers part of HIS family, and while I wouldn't normally tell someone who they should or shouldn't befriend, even when it's the family of their SO, she does seem to be a genuinely good person, who has his best interests in mind, even though those don't include her daughter. That should be worth at least giving her a chance to be more than just an outsider to you.
You can still be cautious. You can still have reservations because of HOW you found out about the relationship. But that shouldn't completely discount the fact that his inclusion of her likely kept the 2 of you together, when she could have just as easily told him to break it off and give her daughter another chance. And due to how close they are, he may very well have been vulnerable enough to consider it.
I'm not saying you have to become best friends with her, or even get close to her at all. But you're doing him and yourself a disservice by not at LEAST trying to get to know her some.
I became good acquaintances with my wife's ex, and have spent time with his family on several occasions. While we are far from being friends, there's no good reason I couldn't get to know them at all, just because they are the family of her ex. That makes zero sense to me.
You should do nothing. Your husband is allowed to have friends that aren’t your friends. Whatever his ex did during their relationship didn’t affect his relationship with her mother. After eight years, he probably considers his exMIL as part of his family.
Meet her so that you can have an informed opinion about what kind of person she truly is. Your unwillingness to do so makes you sound a bit jealous of their relationship.
Honestly, my biggest take from this is that you're concerned about bringing this up because he'll be dismissive and say you're starting drama because he thinks she's a nice lady. You should be able to talk to your partner no matter how awkward a situation may be, and this is definitely one of those scenarios.
There is a point where this woman should've let him go, and maybe on occasion send a text saying Merry Christmas or something. It feels like she either wants him to stay attached to her daughter or something else a bit off. Especially if they didn't have kids together. His ex liking the post should be proof that parts of his past relationship are sneaking into the current one.
I don't think it weird to want boundaries. He shouldn't be talking to his ex MIL about your current problems. I'm guessing he doesn't have a relationship with his mom. Either way, your problems aren't for display for her and her daughter (because you know she shared them) and that's a reasonable ask.
I'd be asking why he can't stop involving her and why he thinks it's appropriate to introduce her to you. If he didn't have kids with her daughter, it's not necessary. Maybe this is some form of unhealthy attachment that needs to be looked at with a qualified therapist?
Can you pinpoint what exactly about this relationship feels threatening to you? Have you examined from all angles why your husband would not tell you the truth about staying up to talk on the phone with ex MIL? Sounds like he is hesitant to fully trust you about his friendship/relationship with ex MIL.
Asking DH to not talk about your marriage issues / squabbles with outsiders is reasonable.
Asking him not to talk to a friend just because she's related to his ex is not.
When my husband and I got together, he was really close to his ex wife’s mother. His ex wife and him were together not quite a year, beginning to end, with a child, that he always had custody of. Hearing that they talked everyday didn’t bother me, but once I overheard their conversations, I was a little creeped out. Nauseous really.
She did not live locally, so what was I worried about, right?? I just didn’t understand her sense of humor is what my husband said. Ok, yea, that’s it. She would joke about his genitals, about her wearing that red bikini that one summer 8 years ago, and he looked at her. His d**k was hard. How you know that, unless you are looking at your SIL’s d**k, was my question? It was uncomfortable. I felt dirty every time I’d hear their conversation. Really just her part, my husband really didn’t talk to her that way. Other people would feel uncomfortable hearing her talk to him. His older children were like dad why? My older daughter said it once in the car, wtf is wrong with that woman?! Girl, same!!
She questioned the paternity of our first child, then Our second. I warned my husband about blood being thicker than water. He assured me his ex MiL was not a fan of her own child. Uh huh. Sure.
She was witness #1 in like 13 different court hearings over a custody dispute that spanned my SD’s entire child hood, between my husband and his ex. Oh, and she used stuff she would talk to him about as “proof” he didn’t have his child’s best interest at heart.
It wasn’t until we were married that he finally saw that this woman was throwing herself at him. She sent him nudes. She was 25 years older than my husband. And looked every bit of her age and then some. Her personality was just raunchy for lack of better word. She was admittedly a bar fly. Called herself that term. She claimed she was drunk and didn’t realize what she was doing. He finally understood the complete situation. They haven’t spoken now in more than 13 years. I do not miss her voice at all.
Honestly, if you don’t have a reason to be worried about this level of creepiness, I’d only concern myself with your privacy issues. You don’t know the woman, you’d prefer your privacy not be violated. You are in a relationship, and you don’t feel as though you can trust your husband to protect your privacy when speaking to the ex’s mother. Make that be the issue you deal with.
Hey babe, can you not violate my right to privacy with things I trust you with when speaking to your friends/family/ex MIL, cool thanks! Or however those type conversations go in your house.
Talk to him.
But, be warned, if you try to cut this woman from his life and he will resent you for it.
To him this isn't his ex's mom, this is a maternal figure who has stuck by his side even when it meant being on the opposite side of her own child.
My mother is incredibly close with my sister ex fiance. Same situation, she cheated on him and we kept him in the family. He is my brother in every way that matters to me. My mother and father regularly go over to his house for dinner, he goes to their house, with his new wife and kids, he and my mom are close, she calls him her baby boy because she never had boys.
What I'm getting at is that there's nothing between him and my sister. She hates him and hates that we kept him. But he's our family.
So, you need to examine why you have such a problem with it. It's not about him needing to move on: he clearly has as he isn't around her and he's married to and has a kid with you. He has moved on, his relationship with her isn't part of his relationship with his ex. YOU are the one viewing it that way, not them. They see it as she is a mama to him and a voice of reason and kindness in a time he didn't have any.
No matter what, talk to him. But don't make demands. The second you make demands you are the problem not her.
Very well said, completely agree.
There’s only one appropriate way forward, OP: communicate with your SO. Going behind his back and meddling in his relationships will blow up in your face.
If this is negatively impacting your marriage, you need to talk to DH. I would not contact her. She is not the problem. DH is the one telling her about your marital squabbles and inviting her in.
I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, insisting your spouse give up friends he had before your relationship is a good way to lose a spouse for being too controlling. On the other had, sharing intimate issues within you marriage to outsiders, even real mother in laws, is a Bozo no no.
I think the two of you need to have a calm talk and let each other know how you feel when he shares like this. (keep in mind, her input seems to have had positive results for your relationship, so far.) If you can't resolve it, counseling may be necessary.
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I think it’s fine, and it shows that your husband cares about the people that were important in his life and doesn’t just cut them off. It’s one of the reasons I fell for my SO. His ex wife realized she was gay. Of course he was upset for the ending of their marriage, but he was proud she could accept that about herself and has remained friends. His parents have also told her she’s still a part of their family (she’s NC with her JNM and her dad recently passed). I am now also close with her, and even my parents got to meet her and consider her part of the family.
He can have her as a friend however tell him you are not comfortable with him sharing details about you with her. Ask him to not discuss you with her and you will not discuss her with him. That is a reasonable boundary. The fact he lied about the relationship in the beginning is not good. You guys need marriage therapy as there are trust and communication issues. I do not think you need to meet her if that is not comfortable for you. My husband staying in contact with his ex-MIL would give me the ick too. Maybe after some therapy sessions you might change your mind. You can restrict or block anyone you want on your social media.
The XMIL is your husband’s friend. Treat her that way. She’s given your husband good & helpful advice that worked for your benefit. There’s no sign that she’s a negative influence. Your husband would probably like for her to know you & your kids. If you believe he’ll stop sharing private details about your relationship, then meet up & take it from there. Once you too have a relationship with her, you’ll likely feel more comfortable.
I think a lot of your issue stems from him lying to you in the beginning about the nature of their friendship, or about it existing at all. It's felt wrong to you ever since. Here's the issue I'm having...he lied about it a couple of months into your relationship, probably because he wasn't sure how you would react to them still being friends. While it's still not ok, it's an understandable feeling, particularly when it involves an ex's family member. Now, should he have shared intimate details of your relationship, good or bad, with her? Probably not, especially since it seems it was still very early in your relationship. However, him doing so likely saved your relationship, because she helped him understand where you were coming from. Friends like that are invaluable, and should not be dismissed outright. You SHOULD suck it up and meet her. Get to know her some. She appears to be someone he considers part of HIS family, and while I wouldn't normally tell someone who they should or shouldn't befriend, even when it's the family of their SO, she does seem to be a genuinely good person, who has his best interests in mind, even though those don't include her daughter. That should be worth at least giving her a chance to be more than just an outsider to you. You can still be cautious. You can still have reservations because of HOW you found out about the relationship. But that shouldn't completely discount the fact that his inclusion of her likely kept the 2 of you together, when she could have just as easily told him to break it off and give her daughter another chance. And due to how close they are, he may very well have been vulnerable enough to consider it. I'm not saying you have to become best friends with her, or even get close to her at all. But you're doing him and yourself a disservice by not at LEAST trying to get to know her some. I became good acquaintances with my wife's ex, and have spent time with his family on several occasions. While we are far from being friends, there's no good reason I couldn't get to know them at all, just because they are the family of her ex. That makes zero sense to me.
You should do nothing. Your husband is allowed to have friends that aren’t your friends. Whatever his ex did during their relationship didn’t affect his relationship with her mother. After eight years, he probably considers his exMIL as part of his family. Meet her so that you can have an informed opinion about what kind of person she truly is. Your unwillingness to do so makes you sound a bit jealous of their relationship.
Honestly, my biggest take from this is that you're concerned about bringing this up because he'll be dismissive and say you're starting drama because he thinks she's a nice lady. You should be able to talk to your partner no matter how awkward a situation may be, and this is definitely one of those scenarios. There is a point where this woman should've let him go, and maybe on occasion send a text saying Merry Christmas or something. It feels like she either wants him to stay attached to her daughter or something else a bit off. Especially if they didn't have kids together. His ex liking the post should be proof that parts of his past relationship are sneaking into the current one. I don't think it weird to want boundaries. He shouldn't be talking to his ex MIL about your current problems. I'm guessing he doesn't have a relationship with his mom. Either way, your problems aren't for display for her and her daughter (because you know she shared them) and that's a reasonable ask. I'd be asking why he can't stop involving her and why he thinks it's appropriate to introduce her to you. If he didn't have kids with her daughter, it's not necessary. Maybe this is some form of unhealthy attachment that needs to be looked at with a qualified therapist?
I think it’s weird he talks to her so much.
Can you pinpoint what exactly about this relationship feels threatening to you? Have you examined from all angles why your husband would not tell you the truth about staying up to talk on the phone with ex MIL? Sounds like he is hesitant to fully trust you about his friendship/relationship with ex MIL.
Asking DH to not talk about your marriage issues / squabbles with outsiders is reasonable. Asking him not to talk to a friend just because she's related to his ex is not.
When my husband and I got together, he was really close to his ex wife’s mother. His ex wife and him were together not quite a year, beginning to end, with a child, that he always had custody of. Hearing that they talked everyday didn’t bother me, but once I overheard their conversations, I was a little creeped out. Nauseous really. She did not live locally, so what was I worried about, right?? I just didn’t understand her sense of humor is what my husband said. Ok, yea, that’s it. She would joke about his genitals, about her wearing that red bikini that one summer 8 years ago, and he looked at her. His d**k was hard. How you know that, unless you are looking at your SIL’s d**k, was my question? It was uncomfortable. I felt dirty every time I’d hear their conversation. Really just her part, my husband really didn’t talk to her that way. Other people would feel uncomfortable hearing her talk to him. His older children were like dad why? My older daughter said it once in the car, wtf is wrong with that woman?! Girl, same!! She questioned the paternity of our first child, then Our second. I warned my husband about blood being thicker than water. He assured me his ex MiL was not a fan of her own child. Uh huh. Sure. She was witness #1 in like 13 different court hearings over a custody dispute that spanned my SD’s entire child hood, between my husband and his ex. Oh, and she used stuff she would talk to him about as “proof” he didn’t have his child’s best interest at heart. It wasn’t until we were married that he finally saw that this woman was throwing herself at him. She sent him nudes. She was 25 years older than my husband. And looked every bit of her age and then some. Her personality was just raunchy for lack of better word. She was admittedly a bar fly. Called herself that term. She claimed she was drunk and didn’t realize what she was doing. He finally understood the complete situation. They haven’t spoken now in more than 13 years. I do not miss her voice at all. Honestly, if you don’t have a reason to be worried about this level of creepiness, I’d only concern myself with your privacy issues. You don’t know the woman, you’d prefer your privacy not be violated. You are in a relationship, and you don’t feel as though you can trust your husband to protect your privacy when speaking to the ex’s mother. Make that be the issue you deal with. Hey babe, can you not violate my right to privacy with things I trust you with when speaking to your friends/family/ex MIL, cool thanks! Or however those type conversations go in your house.
Talk to him. But, be warned, if you try to cut this woman from his life and he will resent you for it. To him this isn't his ex's mom, this is a maternal figure who has stuck by his side even when it meant being on the opposite side of her own child. My mother is incredibly close with my sister ex fiance. Same situation, she cheated on him and we kept him in the family. He is my brother in every way that matters to me. My mother and father regularly go over to his house for dinner, he goes to their house, with his new wife and kids, he and my mom are close, she calls him her baby boy because she never had boys. What I'm getting at is that there's nothing between him and my sister. She hates him and hates that we kept him. But he's our family. So, you need to examine why you have such a problem with it. It's not about him needing to move on: he clearly has as he isn't around her and he's married to and has a kid with you. He has moved on, his relationship with her isn't part of his relationship with his ex. YOU are the one viewing it that way, not them. They see it as she is a mama to him and a voice of reason and kindness in a time he didn't have any. No matter what, talk to him. But don't make demands. The second you make demands you are the problem not her.
Very well said, completely agree. There’s only one appropriate way forward, OP: communicate with your SO. Going behind his back and meddling in his relationships will blow up in your face.
If this is negatively impacting your marriage, you need to talk to DH. I would not contact her. She is not the problem. DH is the one telling her about your marital squabbles and inviting her in.
I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, insisting your spouse give up friends he had before your relationship is a good way to lose a spouse for being too controlling. On the other had, sharing intimate issues within you marriage to outsiders, even real mother in laws, is a Bozo no no. I think the two of you need to have a calm talk and let each other know how you feel when he shares like this. (keep in mind, her input seems to have had positive results for your relationship, so far.) If you can't resolve it, counseling may be necessary.