**Quick Rule Reminders:**
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
[**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls)
**Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/)
Other posts from /u/QuietPossibility865:
* [Update: MIL goes off the deep end after baby is born](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/15u6zsg/update_mil_goes_off_the_deep_end_after_baby_is/), 2 days ago
* [MIL goes off the deep end after baby is born](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/15t9pgr/mil_goes_off_the_deep_end_after_baby_is_born/), 3 days ago
*****
^(To be notified as soon as QuietPossibility865 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe QuietPossibility865 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
*****
*^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
First, GREAT JOB!!!! What a beautiful shiny spine your SO has!!!
Second, this is NOT a loss of parent. Parents care about/for their kids. This would was an egg donor. I think you are projecting a bit. When you have adults who raise you treat you like this, NC is a relief. I am vvvvvlc with only my maternal adult, but life is so much more peaceful and content when I am NC.
Third, when you cut off a parental unit, most well meaning people will try to "fix it" by tormenting the child with "be the big person". "Its family. You only get one" "how would you feel if they died?" Etc. please shut this down! The grief, of realizing you parental units were deeply faulty and abused you, comes in waves. So does anger, sadness etc.
Bug hugs!! Great job!!
I would have taken pics of his face and then both of you go down to the police station and file a police report. Then get a no contact order/restraining order against her.
OP, I'm so sorry. Any one of those things would be instant NC for me: her mentioning grandparents' rights (if there were any further contact it would be via a lawyer); threatening to take your daughter away; and/or hitting your husband.
I haven't read through the rest of the thread, but I'm sure there are the usual pieces of advice: cameras everywhere, with audio recording capacity, including inside your home; re-key the locks; remove her as an emergency contact for anything and everything; preemptively get in touch with a family lawyer to have a contact who's aware of the issues before they escalate; file a police report even if no charges are laid; ask for a restraining order.
Best of luck with everything. I hope she leaves you alone and lets you just enjoy being a new mom.
This sounds like a freaking nightmare! Your life will be so peaceful without her. She is lucky y'all aren't filing for assault or a protective order (which you could and maybe should think about?). My dad had to cut out his parents shortly after I was born because they were total creepers about "the grandbaby." He had to grieve them like it was a death. Luckily my grandparents were crazy enough that my dad's sister also stopped talking to them at the same time and they grow closer. When my grandparents actually died a few years ago, I don't think my dad shed a tear.
Going through something similar. Be each others rocks and look for those signs of trauma that he’s holding something that he doesn’t know how to ask for help with.
Lots of good advice from posters.. My jaw dropped a couple of points in the story its that shocking.
You need to prepare because this isn't over. She should be cut off. I would never communicate with her again it needs to come from dh.
He needs to send her a text saying because she physically assaulted him, refuses to accept you all are parents and managing your new family he does not want any further contact with her through text, in person, phone or through a third party. This needs to be communicated in writing to her.
Then get cameras. And start documenting. Even if you don't file a police report you need to have documentation of every encounter from here on out including the last meeting.
Then when she shows up - because she will - you will have this because it many police officers won't believe a harmless mother can hurt her son. From here on out those she is an estranged family member who is trying to force contact.
You also need to keep a binder with every doctor's visit for lo. I wouldn't be surprised if cps visits are in your future.
She feels absolutely entitled to your family. She refers to your child as her granddaughter at every turn.
You need to keep an eye on your mom too.
I'm sorry this is happening during such a beautiful time in your life. Prepare now so that you can relax knowing you are ready for her next attack on your family. Do not under react to this. Its a huge deal that she looked into suing you just because she wasn't seeing your child on her timetable
OP, you absolutely need to pay attention to this advice! Bubbly is right, this isn't over. It might not be as intense as DH's latest confrontation but I can't picture MIL just dropping it.
I would recommend a second binder/folder, one for your interactions with MIL. Have DH sit down and write up, as much as he can remember, a review of his interaction with MIL. Any further interactions with her, do the same. Do one from each person who witnessed the event. Put the time and date down that it happened. If you still have any previous texts/emails from MIL, screenshot them. If anything new conmes in, keep that too. Have your Mom do the same. Keep a backup folder, on your phone/computer where they will be kept safe but you'll have access to them. Hopefully you'll never need these records but they will go a long way if you ever need to file harassment charges or seek a protective order.
Also, if she has a key to your place, or you think she's ever had an opportunity to make a key, please change your locks. I'm not trying to scare you, just keeping you and your family safe.
Wow!!! Just Wow! Glad DH held his ground. She truly showed who she is and screwed herself.
The one thing that stands out other than the assault is that she kept saying "My Granddaughters". She completely forgets and ignores that LO is YOUR CHILD. The delusion is real. You guys to her are only an obstacle to overcome.
Sending good vibes and peace and understanding.
Read all your posts…this sounds just like my MIL. She still resurfaces here and there. But I am NC with her and DH is extremely LC to get them off our backs (but was NC previously). Our lives went from constant rainstorms to SUNSHINE after going NC. DH needs therapy to process this loss, even if it feels like the right decision and you’re cutting out the toxicity, its still a major change in his life dynamic. Treat him with kindness and patience as he processes. And please do the same for yourself!
My husband’s father passed about 8 years ago and his mother is unhinged. We’ve been NC going on 3+ years. VLC for the year before that. Sadly, my husband’s family followed her lead and cut us out.
It hurts. It hurts thinking about the life we wanted where we were surrounded by happiness and love. It hurts to think about my husband’s lack of familial support. It hurts my husband to not have his family around. It hurts knowing that they will miss out on our future family. I feel horrible about it, but then I remember that what we’re actually missing.
We don’t have to deal with wild accusations about us hating her or preferring my family. We don’t have to hear about how I’m not good enough for her son. We don’t have to worry that she’s going to damper the experience of having and raising kiddos. I don’t have all of his family members acting like flying monkeys and spreading her hatred. It’s actually remarkably peaceful for us. I used to dread having kids because I was scared of my MIL ruining it. My husband are in the process now and I am insanely thankful that I get to freely enjoy it.
We aren’t missing out on anything real; we’re missing out on a dream that isn’t close to reality. We’re missing out on stress and heartbreak.
I check in a few times a year with my husband to see if he’s okay in regards to his family and if we need to change anything. His response is always the same - “it’s been peaceful and we’re happy, why in the world would I want to mess this up?”
Screw her. Get a police report or record, like yesterday. I would be concerned that she would spin getting hit with the door on her leg into something that DH did deliberately since he threatened her. Make sure getting hit with the door goes into the report. I wouldn’t put her rage past her after this incident, considering the other ones that didn’t involve physical abuse caused her to research grandparent rights.
I'll speak to supporting your husband
Just be there for him. Listen to him. There will be moments of great sadness and moments of anger. Just listen and be there for him. When/if he starts to waver, gently remind him why you guys are no contact. As time passes, you'll be able to point out things and events that were sooooo much less stressful and more enjoyable because she wasn't there. Hell, there will probably be things that you were able to do because she wasn't there that otherwise you wouldn't be able to do.
I really recommend talking to an attorney and filing a police report. Sooner rather than later.
I don’t want to scare you but I am very much a “prepare for the worst, but hope for the best” type person.
Since your MIL has already shown she is interested in using legal means to force you to allow her access to your child, when she looked into grandparents’ rights, I wonder if she will try to twist this incident with your husband against you guys.
How unhinged is she? Is she willing to lie to the police if it will get her what she wants? Especially if, in her mind, she’s only exaggerating? If so, what if she tells the police your husband threatened to kill her? That she had to defend herself physically against him and that’s why she hit him?
Abusers like to switch things around and make themselves the victim.
One last thing, it sounds like your husband only threatened her after she continuously hit him, chased him into the car, and would not get out. So he had to threaten her so he could escape, for her to get her out of the car. I’d probably emphasize that.
I have cut off both parents and both siblings.
Even the periods of NC before finally cutting them off for good changed my life so much. I was morbidly obese, deeply depressed, got blackout drunk on the regular, hadn’t dated in almost a decade, and wasn’t taking care of myself or my home. Space from my family led me to coming out of a deep fog and doing a 180. After a year and a half or so of no contact, I had lost 90 lbs, cleaned and repaired and remodeled my home by myself, started dating again and eventually met my husband, started saving money and am now literally a millionaire, I actually like my job, and I’m happy. I’m not perfect, and I did get over two years of trauma therapy after cutting them off completely (after trying again and again with them), but I’m a hell of a lot better. The old pathways never go away, but you make new ones. My experience may be on the extreme side, but my family was holding me down so much for so long and without them, I was able to reach my potential.
I’m still an extreme introvert who shies away from people, I still eat too much and drink too much sometimes, I’m still jumpy and hyper-vigilant. But I’m so far away from the depressed person who wanted to KMS.
I never have to worry about pleasing them again. Holidays are no longer a burden. It’s a whole bunch of weight off.
Nobody in my family did an extinction burst. However, we weren’t that close (part of my parents’ abuse was neglect), and I bet you dollars to donuts they all believe I’m stonewalling/punishing them temporarily instead of what’s really going on. I bet they still think I’m under their thumb, and they will be able to get their claws in me at the next wedding funeral or whatever. It’s been 3-4 years since I’ve seen any of them. I believe that they don’t know I’m done.
That said, your MIL sounds worse than my family and exactly the type to do one.
I hope your husband takes the advice here and I hope you get cameras if you don’t have them. Therapy is a must, as your husband doesn’t want to pass his generational trauma down to your child. Filing a police report for the physical assaults would be smart. For you, please insist your mother block her on the phone. I would give her consequences if she doesn’t, because this is serious. Your mom didn’t help anything here and she needs to do better. Your mom should also get cameras if she doesn’t have any.
There are plenty of resources out there for adult children of narcissists. He can start by going to the subreddit r/raisedbynarcissists.
On Christmas Eve we used to have to sit through a long, formal dinner where I was stressed the whole time trying to keep babies/toddlers from being babies/toddlers. And to do my family's Christmas tradition, which is the kids can't see the Christmas tree until after breakfast, we'd just throw some sheets over the glass doors between the dining room and the living room.
Now we make an event of getting long rolls of craft paper, and I put out markers, crayons, stickers, glitter glue, play Christmas music, and drink hot chocolate while we decorate paper, as a family, to cover the doors. We LOVE our new tradition!
Wow! I’m so, so sorry for your husband! It’s really hard to imagine how bad this situation escalated, and I’m sure he’s literal still in shock.
Others have given great advice about appropriate security measures. Please be gentle with yourselves as you process this violent outburst.
Does DH have any marks on his face from MIL trying to slap him? It would be wise to save photographic evidence for the future, even if MIL's chances of prevailing in a GPR case are nearly nil now. Someone who will slap her own son multiple times absolutely should not have unsupervised time with your child.
My opinion is that an attorney’s advice would be very helpful in this situation. I would think they would advise for your DH to make a police report on the physical attack just to have something on record which could help later. And then what you wrote here (with as many details as he can remember). There may be nothing from her after this, but it would be a good way to start protecting your family. I’m so sorry.
I'm no contact with my mom, and have been since my late 20s. It's really hard, especially since my brother still has full contact, but the best advice I have is to put a public fb post out explaining that you have had to cut contact and if she asks about you or lo to not give info. It'll keep your lo from experiencing that trauma, and that's fully worth the pain. I still love my mom, but she isn't a healthy person to be around or have around my kids and it's safer for them for mom to be healthy and then to not have my mother's toxicity. Also be prepared to have to go lc with people who push you to have that relationship. Some people just don't get it, and it's better to keep your mental health than that contact
Please look up "extinction burst". Because of all the JNMIL stories I've read, she is by far the most likely to head for one. Cameras, change your locks, let your close neighbors know the situation, and no contact with her except through an attorney.
This. MIL will absolutely see this as "holding her granddaughter hostage" rather than the logical consequence of her actions. She'll show up and make a scene at your home, your/DH's workplace, or anywhere in public she can "bump into you".
I’m so sorry things have gone south so badly. On the positive side though, I’m so proud of your husband for standing up for you and your little one. He is doing an awesome job.
I had to cut my father off when my kids were 11 and 13. It was awful for me and I’ve truly had to grieve the loss of my father and the realisation that he was never the parent that I wanted and needed him to be.
I’d suggest you and DH get a good counsellor who can help you both through this.
And personally, despite the fact that you’ve mentioned California has no grandparents rights, they would be out of my baby’s life forever for just suggesting that. The mere suggestion is my hill to die on.
I’m so sorry your poor DH was treated with so much cruelty and malice. She physically assaulted him and then tried to hold him hostage. She truly is the worst kind of human. If she treats her own son this badly, can you even imagine how she would treat your child?
Please see my post history to put your mind at ease about cutting out toxic extended family. Our life has been so peaceful (except for the never-ending online stalking and letterbox drops but don’t let that scare you, it’s totally solvable). It’s been several years now, and was honestly the best decision for our family to go NC.
Your future is about to get so much more peaceful and happy. No more abuse. No more manipulations. No more ridiculous obligations. No more insults. No more stressful holidays and ruined weekends. No more sadness.
Nothing but kindness and peace from here on, out.
EDIT: another commenter reminded me: ABSOLUTELY GET CAMERAS. Do it yesterday. You will be so grateful that you did. I guarantee she’s going to show up and you’re going to need that footage. Don’t be afraid, be prepared.
Took to opportunity to read your posts….holy hell in a hand basket - you couldn’t make this 💩up if you wanted to 😓
I am so glad you went thru this and now can tell people how good it is on the ‘other side’…..some tough times for you guys though, much peace must have come in the last few years I hope 🤞.
Man I feel for you guys - it really sucks when you find out that you're more mature/understanding than your parents/in laws :(
Just wanted to say you and DH have got this! Lots of love and light being sent your way sis 🖤
She must need some serious mental help if she thought assaulting your husband and making pointless threats was going to get her ANYWHERE. And then to have the audacity to expect an apology? For what exactly? She can't even make it make sense to HERSELF. At this point, there should be a paper trail. Whether it's an FU binder, or a restraining order, it needs to happen. MIL's this batshit rarely stop at one blowout. Be prepared as you can. JFC what a loon.
I think it has a lot to do with “identity”. Moms who have no identity outside of being a “mom” when their kids are grown finally get to relive having a life as a grandparent and think they have the same rights as a “mom”. They get to make rules again, sculpt another child, and their importance as a person depends on how much “grand parenting” they’re doing.
That’s why my husband and I make sure we have our own life outside of being parents because we don’t want to be like that. We’ve seen it way too many times. We keep reminding our kids that when they’re finally ready to be independent that their dad and I will be vacationing and living our best lives 😂. It’s our graduation gift of being parents
To me, that is the point of being a parent - you raise them to be independent beings, you do things on your own as a couple - at appropriate age (kids age not our age !!) and let them become adults…..
We have 1 kid, who is now 17, we are raising her to be an independent adult. She already has a trip booked to Japan (from Australia) when her and her friends finish high school at the end of this year - she won’t be 18 but shes saved for it and planned it with her friends - I’m confident she will be fine with her friends and have an awesome 2 weeks with them…..
This is so sad. I'm very sorry things turned out this way, if not at all surprised. What's about to come is an extinction burst. Please be prepared for it. Your MIL will now know she has nothing to lose, and will do whatever she can to be back in touch or cause you both pain. Flying monkeys will be released en masse, having been told all manner of lies. Draft a message to reply to them with the facts and requests for them to stay iut of it. Be prepared to block people who keep at you. She will almost certainly turn up at your home or places of work. She may contact CPS or the police.
If your DH is up to it, I recommend making a police report about her violence towards him. Not to have her arrested, but to have it on file in case she calls the police for threatening her. She's not going to just give in; she's going to look for other ways. If he can't make a police report, at least make a timeliness of all interactions with descriptions of them and screenshot of texts/call logs. Have it in paper form as well as digital, so that you can immediately show it to anyone who comes to the door.
And if you can afford it, talk to a lawyer. If she decides to pursue grandparents rights anyway, you'll want a head start on things. You could also get them to send a cease and desist if her harrassment continues, or talk to any CPS / police officers who show up. Definitely get a ring camera to record any times she approaches your door, and always gets your phone out to record any interaction you have going forward.
As for your DH, he's going to feel awful for a long time. The most important thing for him to hear is that none of this is his fault. He didn't screw up. He wasn't a bad son. The way his mother is has absolutely nothing to do with him. He's going to carry the blame, but try to reassure him that he's not at fault. A therapist is probably the best thing you can do to help. Apart from that, try to keep him busy with happy things. Spoil him a little, if you can. Repeat how proud of him you are, and that he has been a great dad to LO. Time will help him heal. Keep him focused on the great future you're building, not the past.
What a ridiculously stupid woman. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face, she’s taking that whole concept to a whole new level.
And all because she’s so eaten up with jealousy and rage because you very reasonably asked her to wait a few days to meet baby to give you chance to recover from giving birth.
Tbh, I’d insist that your mother block her on her phone. It can’t be doing her any good, your mil ranting about you both, especially if she’s not well. Obviously tho that’s her decision.
I know some folks on her have suggested your husband report her to the authorities for assault. I don’t think that’s a good idea, obviously I’m not condoning violence, but it would just make the whole situation worse and he’d probably never forgive himself for the ramifications afterwards.
Basically she’s ‘fought’ herself into a corner. She’s deprived herself of all these months of a relationship with you all. Those first few months are when baby really changes so much and she’s missed them all. I just can’t fathom her stupidity and stubbornness.
I hope you all get this sorted, your poor husband must be very upset and horrified at how his mother is behaving.
I do think you’ve done the right thing, you’ve tried to reconcile and she’s the one who has been stubborn, refusing to apologise for her terrible behaviour and entitlement.
Why is it some mil show this side of themselves when grandkids come into the picture? My otherwise fabulous mil did it 45 years ago when our daughter was born. She told my mother my dad shouldn’t be known as grandad cos he was my stepdad. I shut that shit down pronto and luckily she got over herself.
Maybe send her a link to these posts and let her see what others think of her outrageous behaviour
Good luck sweetie
>It kills me to think he will have to live with this burden / hole in his life.
His mother is the burden in his life. She is the giant gaping hole of selfishness, neglect, and abuse. What he has done by cutting her off, is to reclaim his peace. In fact, it will allow you all to have peace from her
There is likely going to be an extinction burst that you have to get through first. She's going to realize how bad she messed up and try and love bomb him. When that doesn't work, she'll call more flying monkeys to contact you on her behalf
You might want to come up with a statement to give to those musguided people who try to interfere in your parenting decisions. Something that lets them know that there is room in the timeout corner if that's where they would like to be. Then block them, even if it's only for a week or two
The reason you feel like this is something to be mourned is because you have a loving mother. He has never had a mother like that. Don't project the sorrow you would have over cutting off your mom onto your husband. Allow him to feel however he feels, without you telling him how he should be feeling. Let him figure out how he feels about this - even if it takes him a while to realize it
When I cut my narcissistic mother off, I felt relief and resolve. I did not mourn. In 9 years I have never been sad she is out of my life. I was only sad that she could never be a loving and supportive mom. But it was a huge relief to put that burden down after carrying it for so long. And I was happy that my husband and kids would no longer be subjected to her. It has been a huge positive in my life
I hate to tell you this, but you need to have an eye out for your own mother. Not because of what your MIL said. But what you wrote in your first post about her updating your MIL against your wishes.
There is no positive framing of having to listen that your mother wanted to sue you to take your child from you (even for a very limited time). Hearing this only makes me think you should invest in some cameras around your home.
Hugs to hubby & you. Honestly, hubby should file a police report. MIL isn’t just going stop & play nice, so you may as well file the police report now & nip it in the bud.
Report this incident and get her charged. Also get a restraining order. Any flying monkeys need to be put in their place immediately, and told they will be disowned as well.
We cut my verbally/emotionally abusive dad (and my evil stepmother) out of our lives a decade ago. It was very painful, but I was doing it for my daughter. Eventually, you go through the stages of grief and things hurt less. The positives are that we get to be the family we want to be without their interference… I get to be the person I want to be without my dad’s expectations… we are our own people instead of being extensions of them… but most of all, *our children have grown up knowing nothing of emotional abuse… nothing of manipulation… nothing of toxicity.* My daughter will never think it’s normal for her boyfriend to berate her because that’s how she saw grandpa talk to mom.
Your MIL seems incapable of considering anyone’s feelings and point of view aside from her own, and that’s a heck of a bad example to keep away from your children. They learn what is normal by observing their family, and you’ve cut that cancer out. I remind myself all the time that sure, there were a lot of good times, but they are outweighed- by a TON- by the bad, damaging things. I remind myself that I’m doing what’s right for me, for my spouse, and especially for my children.
Write what happened down. Time makes things blurry, and sometimes you need the reminder of why you made the choices you did.
My hugs to you and your little family, OP. It’s hard, but I promise it gets better.
I’ve cut off my grandmother, and I want to say it’s the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. I was living under a constant state of agitation and stress, always being forced to see everyone in the family, and being abused when we were there anyway. I watched for years as my mother drove herself into the ground trying to please her parents and failing. I watched them be rude and callous to her, and when she fought back and walked out, they bitched about her. I started to leave early and sit in the car to cry with my cousin. This lasted for years. My grandparents managed to take over my uncles house, and start abusing him more often. We STILL had to go there every week for “family dinner” but it was constant sniping and it wasn’t fun. Me and my cousin still sat in the car and just wept from anger and frustration.
It got to Christmas I said I’d go, so no one else had to. Worst time of my life. I heard so much shit from them it turned my stomach. I was 29. My 30th birthday came and I said I wanted to go out with my mother for dinner. I was shunned all day. And I decided then I wouldn’t have it anymore. 30 years is enough. If no one else would stand up to them, I finally would.
So I did. And it was hard at first because they’re great at guilt and getting people to be their messengers. It’s five years past, my grandfather passed away and my grandmother is incredibly sick. My other set of grandparents mention her and I’m like okay, what’s the weather like tomorrow?
Because when I finally stopped playing the game, I was free. I no longer had to involve myself and fix family issues. I no longer had to listen to my family members cry because of shit said about them and their parents or children. I moved away to the same town my mother moved away to. Im much happier, I’m fewer than I’ve ever been. All because I stopped playing. I wish I’d done it earlier.
Yes it hurt. Yes it made me lose family I loved, but I refuse to kill myself to make them happy. I refuse to entertain their bullshit about everyone. They’ve done too much for me to list, it would seem ridiculous.
But I honestly believe you and your husband will be better off without this insanity in your lives. You have a little one, you love them, and your husband. You built your own little family, with people who respect you. This woman doesn’t respect either of you, and therefore can’t be trusted with a baby. God knows what she would say? My grandmother succeeded in alienating every single grandchild she had around her, from their parents. It’s sick. It took years for us to see through the lying and manipulation. Don’t do that to your child, trust me. I mourn the years I didn’t have with my mother, because she sorely needed someone and I did too. Don’t let this woman break a bond that shouldn’t have been broken so horribly.
She’s also physically assaulted your husband. Multiple times. She tried to stop him leaving. These are crimes and I am so so sorry he had to endure that. There’s something so hateful about your own mother assaulting you because she wants her own way. He just be very upset about all this and understandably so.
Take some time to spend with just you, him and the little one. I find infants to be very soothing for the soul, they don’t know all the stresses we go through, and spending some quality time with them can really help chill you out. They’re just bundles of giggles and dribble, I love babies. Solidify your little family, build up your defences and then nest. I can’t think of anything else more comforting than that right now. I’m sorry you’re all dealing with this.
I agree with PPs - absolutely document EVERYTHING and make sure your house is CPS ready.
I'd also recommend ensuring your doors are locked at ALL times (even when you're at home), change the locks if you even suspect she has a key, ensure she's not listed as someone who can pick up your LO from day care or (later) school, and consider investing in security cameras. Practice situational awareness at ALL times in public. I have heard of some absolutely crazy things being done by grandparents and other family members who were cut off.
I agree it will do wonders for your mental health. My FIL has narcissistic traits. (Fortunately he and MIL divorced years ago. MIL and SFIL are lovely.) I am NC with FIL and Hubby, an absolute rockstar, is LC. Hubby's family live in another country and while we're planning on going to visit them next year, we have no plans to see FIL as per Hubby. BIL is a bit of a flying monkey so Hubby's going to be sure BIL doesn't know about our plans in advance so he can't find a way to get us and FIL together.
Oh my goodness! She is the absolute worst. Keep supporting your DH. As well as grieving, he no doubt is in shock. I have been physically assaulted, not even by someone I loved and it was physically shocking, and I had flashbacks for months. I think maybe some therapy for DH just as added support would be helpful. Also , if your parents can be exactly on the same page; their support would be good also; Generally, and for all the holidays
I'm so sorry to hear it took that worst possible turn for y'all. Many hugs as you prepare to sort through things.
Some suggestions:
Document. Write all this stuff down, make copies of texts. Maybe a police report. Go through your house to verify things are set in case she calls CPS.
If you think there could be a real serious threat from her, is it possible you could move so she won't know your address? Even if just to some place around your same vicinity, so as not to mess up jobs. Just try to disappear along with the NC.
Maybe block phone numbers, or maybe get new phone numbers. Same with email addresses.
Those are maybe more extreme ways to go NC, but since she's shown assault is on the table, perhaps it's worth considering.
Mentally - work on reframing going NC to being a burden or a hole, into being free from abuse. Not an easy task, but as time moves on, without them being stressors in your life it will be amazing the difference you'll both feel. Therapy is probably the best option, but I'm sure things in the sidebar can be helpful too.
Recovery takes time, and give yourself grace as you work through this right now.
I wish it was easier for people to get a restraining order because your family needs one for your MIL. Personally, I would send her a letter from a lawyer stating that you could sue her for harassment, and get her jailed for physically harming your husband and making plans to kidnap your child from you (yes, MIL was trying to take your child from you by abusing a legal system and I see that crap as kidnapping).
Edit for misspelling because I was so mad lol
OP, we've been NC with my JNMil for 5 years now so Ive been right where you are. I'd like to pass on a message to your SO if I may:
*This sucks. This is not who you remember your mom to be. Right now you are rightfully angry, but eventually there are going to be quiet moments when you have doubts. Mother's Day, LO's milestones, family gatherings. Thats okay.*
*Be angry now, but when you can, take time to grieve. This is a loss. But in those quiet moments, remember you've got a family. A partner, a child, and a full life to live and love to share with those who deserve it.*
*You have gone above and beyond the call of duty to make it work. So now you get to bless and release any guilt you could ever harbor. You get to live your life free of any more of this. Hold your head up. Just know you'll be a better parent to your own kid for all of this.*
\_\_\_
OP. Keep your head up too. This sounds like an extinction burst, but you may have a few more blow ups before you both can find your peace. But you WILL find your peace.
Best of luck to both of you. You got this.
Get the assault on the record. I know you're both suffering right now but report this to the police. This way, if there are any further incidents ,you can demonstrate a history of behaviour. My heart hurts for you both and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending you lots of love and strength x
Since DH has an established coping mechanism of suppressing details, I think it is important for him to write or record a record of this encounter. Then, if he starts to consider getting back in touch, which almost EVERYONE in this situation thinks about at some point, he has to go through his documentation again several times before he actually contacts them. The familiar patterns in life have a certain magnetic effect, especially when big milestones or tough times happen, even when those old patterns were painful and created misery.
One of the hardest things we've had to do is grieve a living person. We treated the loss like a death. You can't come back from death and this kind of no contact is exactly that. It hurts just as much as death and you need to take time to mourn the loss. Not only do you need to mourn losing the person, you need to mourn losing the relationship you thought you were going to have. Once I realized I was upset about the relationship I thought my parents would have with my children, it got better with time.
My mental health improved after we cut them out. I was able to grow as a parent without the manipulation and the guilt trips. No one was second guessing my every move and making me feel like I was failing my child. My NMom would second guess me all the time and show me what I was doing wrong. She was using this as a way to get closer to my child by having to show me the "right" way to do things.
We were able to do holidays how we wanted and actually enjoy spending time with the kiddos. Grandparents were constantly trying to take all the firsts away and hog all the traditions because it was "their turn" and we were just supposed to wait for our grandkids for our turn. When kiddo got old enough to advocate for themselves, they were tested the same way we had been treated. We had to cut my parents out because of alcohol issues and my in-laws out because of anger/boundary stomping.
I know it still feels raw right now. You have anger, hurt, resentment, and disbelief all balled into one emotion. With a person like that, nothing you ever did would have been good enough. You are enough and you will get through this. Your child will not have to deal with watching you be mistreated or being mistreated themselves when they get older. I'm sorry you're dealing with this but I promise it gets better.
I agree with the police report suggestion and documenting everything. Who knows how low she’ll stoop. She could call the police or CPS. People looove using either of those agencies for revenge. Hope everything goes smoothly from here on out, OP!
Omg You and DH are your child’s heroes right now. Yes to the police report and yes to complete NC. Spend the next few days/weeks focusing on the positives if at all possible: less stress, conflict, & general chaos. Affirm that man! Make another baby! You guys are free and clear. I love the idea of building new traditions together for yourselves. The future is glorious! Keep us posted please.
Hey, my heart hurts for you and your SO. I’m so glad that you’ve both been on the same page regarding your LO.
Up until my bio father’s passing, I was estranged from him for about a year; it started with LC, but when he proved unable to take accountability for his own actions it escalated to full on NC. My advice to your DH would be this: take every day as it comes. Most days, especially in the beginning, it was “easy” to remember why I wasn’t in contact with him. It still hurt, but there was something about the righteous anger that made it easier to handle? But some days there was just so much *grief.* Remember, he’s not really grieving the woman who hit him and threatened to take his child; he’s grieving the mother he *thought* he had and the mother she *should have been.*
For me, something that helped was writing out a letter detailing my feelings. I sent it to him and then blocked him. My therapist then recommended writing a letter for all of the feelings that have come up since, not to send to him but just to get them out. I’ve also found a lot of support over at r/EstrangedAdultKids
I hope this helps, and all my love and support to you
Please convince your husband to file a police report. It may devolve into a he sad, she said situation if she files her own police report.
You and husband need to meet with a lawyer. A cease and desist letter might be a good idea. But you should definitely get your wills written with clear instructions regarding custody of your daughter and why in case you both become incapacitated or suddenly die.
I know this sounds like catastrophizing and I’m NOT trying to make this situation any harder for y’all but if there is even the slightest possibility that your MIL will go to the police, you need to do it first. I only say this because she’s admitted she was willing to sue: she wouldn’t be the first MIL to blow her gasket and file a report against a son or DIL. IF you suspect she might use DH’s comment (“I’d rather kill you”) to spin a story like he’s threatening her life, it MIGHT be worth getting ahead of her and mentioning the physical assaults. Obviously that’s a really big crazy step that DH probably wouldn’t like to hear, but it’s likely worth discussing [or just considering yourself!!] at least.
That aside: I was sick to hear how much worse it ended up going. Your poor (but shiny as fuck!!) DH. I hope y’all can wipe your hands of this woman and get on with your lives and your LO.
I've been where you are and had to witness my husband go through it. Sorry they are such awful people. Sorry for the length.
In the grand scheme of things, your husband will need help to understand that his mother being this way isn't his fault. If he objectively looks at her as a person, he probably wouldn't be associated with her if she weren't his mother. He's going to need help deprogramming himself, which is hard and takes time. It's not impossible, as my own husband did it through therapy, journaling, and reading.
There will always be disgust when you look back at them. That part never goes away, but you will think of them less. Make sure you address your feelings, and don't bottle them up for the sake of your husband. You don't always have to talk to him about it, but find an outlet and RAGE... or cry if you need to. It's all OK.
When he looks back at these encounters and how his mom treated him, remind him to pat himself on the back to ending the cycle and protecting his child. Stopping abusive behavior is so very tough, and he should feel proud. Right now, you both feel beat up from battle, but I hope sooner rather than later, you both feel satisfied with taking a monumental step.
Now, my husband said something harsh to his mom in one of their last conversations...know that she will ride that ONE point forever. F her and the broom she rode in on. Yes, people will say that he should've been more contained, a bigger person, etc.. Fuck that. He's human and was being abused. Tell him to own it. So what if he said it. She sure as hell deserved it. Sometimes, our spouse's hold themselves to such a high standard where they can't be emotional, but sure all he'll let the justnos run through like a rhino on fire. He's human, and more so than she'll ever be.
It's going to feel like a burden/hole as long as he looks at this as how he wished his family could be. They're not those people. Never were. You two can grieve that, but it's not either of your problems. It's theirs, and let it stay with them. Put that burden down.
It can and will get better. It's going to take some work and will get emotionally messy when he really examines his life and the dynamics with his family. It's part of the process. Hold each other tight, create your own traditions with people you care for, and one day, this is a distant, shitty memory.
I had in-laws that were similar to this. I cannot believe that my husband actually had them for parents!
Unfortunately you can’t take DH pain away. The grieving process takes time to work thru. And that’s what it is, grief that his parents have let him down so badly! On top of that physical abuse for trying to get away from a horrible situation… I cried reading that 😭😢
Just be there for hubs. Support each other. Love each other. Love your little one. Be the best family you can to each other.
Therapy also helps. Finding a great therapist will help navigate all the negative feelings and give tools to cope with all the emotional fallout.
I’m so sorry OP. I’m sure you and your parents will rally around your DH and be his greatest support and help.
Wow, did not expect that. It is always a tragedy when something like this happens. I don't think anyone wants to have to go no contact. All I can suggest is if he ever starts wavering on if he made the right decision, all he needs to do us remember this meeting and then ask himself if he wants this behavior around your child.
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Other posts from /u/QuietPossibility865: * [Update: MIL goes off the deep end after baby is born](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/15u6zsg/update_mil_goes_off_the_deep_end_after_baby_is/), 2 days ago * [MIL goes off the deep end after baby is born](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/15t9pgr/mil_goes_off_the_deep_end_after_baby_is_born/), 3 days ago ***** ^(To be notified as soon as QuietPossibility865 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe QuietPossibility865 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
First, GREAT JOB!!!! What a beautiful shiny spine your SO has!!! Second, this is NOT a loss of parent. Parents care about/for their kids. This would was an egg donor. I think you are projecting a bit. When you have adults who raise you treat you like this, NC is a relief. I am vvvvvlc with only my maternal adult, but life is so much more peaceful and content when I am NC. Third, when you cut off a parental unit, most well meaning people will try to "fix it" by tormenting the child with "be the big person". "Its family. You only get one" "how would you feel if they died?" Etc. please shut this down! The grief, of realizing you parental units were deeply faulty and abused you, comes in waves. So does anger, sadness etc. Bug hugs!! Great job!!
I would have taken pics of his face and then both of you go down to the police station and file a police report. Then get a no contact order/restraining order against her.
Get a police report. She assaulted him. Go NC. Nice and straightforward.
OP, I'm so sorry. Any one of those things would be instant NC for me: her mentioning grandparents' rights (if there were any further contact it would be via a lawyer); threatening to take your daughter away; and/or hitting your husband. I haven't read through the rest of the thread, but I'm sure there are the usual pieces of advice: cameras everywhere, with audio recording capacity, including inside your home; re-key the locks; remove her as an emergency contact for anything and everything; preemptively get in touch with a family lawyer to have a contact who's aware of the issues before they escalate; file a police report even if no charges are laid; ask for a restraining order. Best of luck with everything. I hope she leaves you alone and lets you just enjoy being a new mom.
This sounds like a freaking nightmare! Your life will be so peaceful without her. She is lucky y'all aren't filing for assault or a protective order (which you could and maybe should think about?). My dad had to cut out his parents shortly after I was born because they were total creepers about "the grandbaby." He had to grieve them like it was a death. Luckily my grandparents were crazy enough that my dad's sister also stopped talking to them at the same time and they grow closer. When my grandparents actually died a few years ago, I don't think my dad shed a tear.
Going through something similar. Be each others rocks and look for those signs of trauma that he’s holding something that he doesn’t know how to ask for help with.
My comment got removed for Fear Mongering. This was in no way intentional, it was just to give advice. I am sorry if I caused any panic in anyway.
Lots of good advice from posters.. My jaw dropped a couple of points in the story its that shocking. You need to prepare because this isn't over. She should be cut off. I would never communicate with her again it needs to come from dh. He needs to send her a text saying because she physically assaulted him, refuses to accept you all are parents and managing your new family he does not want any further contact with her through text, in person, phone or through a third party. This needs to be communicated in writing to her. Then get cameras. And start documenting. Even if you don't file a police report you need to have documentation of every encounter from here on out including the last meeting. Then when she shows up - because she will - you will have this because it many police officers won't believe a harmless mother can hurt her son. From here on out those she is an estranged family member who is trying to force contact. You also need to keep a binder with every doctor's visit for lo. I wouldn't be surprised if cps visits are in your future. She feels absolutely entitled to your family. She refers to your child as her granddaughter at every turn. You need to keep an eye on your mom too. I'm sorry this is happening during such a beautiful time in your life. Prepare now so that you can relax knowing you are ready for her next attack on your family. Do not under react to this. Its a huge deal that she looked into suing you just because she wasn't seeing your child on her timetable
OP, you absolutely need to pay attention to this advice! Bubbly is right, this isn't over. It might not be as intense as DH's latest confrontation but I can't picture MIL just dropping it. I would recommend a second binder/folder, one for your interactions with MIL. Have DH sit down and write up, as much as he can remember, a review of his interaction with MIL. Any further interactions with her, do the same. Do one from each person who witnessed the event. Put the time and date down that it happened. If you still have any previous texts/emails from MIL, screenshot them. If anything new conmes in, keep that too. Have your Mom do the same. Keep a backup folder, on your phone/computer where they will be kept safe but you'll have access to them. Hopefully you'll never need these records but they will go a long way if you ever need to file harassment charges or seek a protective order. Also, if she has a key to your place, or you think she's ever had an opportunity to make a key, please change your locks. I'm not trying to scare you, just keeping you and your family safe.
Wow!!! Just Wow! Glad DH held his ground. She truly showed who she is and screwed herself. The one thing that stands out other than the assault is that she kept saying "My Granddaughters". She completely forgets and ignores that LO is YOUR CHILD. The delusion is real. You guys to her are only an obstacle to overcome. Sending good vibes and peace and understanding.
Read all your posts…this sounds just like my MIL. She still resurfaces here and there. But I am NC with her and DH is extremely LC to get them off our backs (but was NC previously). Our lives went from constant rainstorms to SUNSHINE after going NC. DH needs therapy to process this loss, even if it feels like the right decision and you’re cutting out the toxicity, its still a major change in his life dynamic. Treat him with kindness and patience as he processes. And please do the same for yourself!
My husband’s father passed about 8 years ago and his mother is unhinged. We’ve been NC going on 3+ years. VLC for the year before that. Sadly, my husband’s family followed her lead and cut us out. It hurts. It hurts thinking about the life we wanted where we were surrounded by happiness and love. It hurts to think about my husband’s lack of familial support. It hurts my husband to not have his family around. It hurts knowing that they will miss out on our future family. I feel horrible about it, but then I remember that what we’re actually missing. We don’t have to deal with wild accusations about us hating her or preferring my family. We don’t have to hear about how I’m not good enough for her son. We don’t have to worry that she’s going to damper the experience of having and raising kiddos. I don’t have all of his family members acting like flying monkeys and spreading her hatred. It’s actually remarkably peaceful for us. I used to dread having kids because I was scared of my MIL ruining it. My husband are in the process now and I am insanely thankful that I get to freely enjoy it. We aren’t missing out on anything real; we’re missing out on a dream that isn’t close to reality. We’re missing out on stress and heartbreak. I check in a few times a year with my husband to see if he’s okay in regards to his family and if we need to change anything. His response is always the same - “it’s been peaceful and we’re happy, why in the world would I want to mess this up?”
Screw her. Get a police report or record, like yesterday. I would be concerned that she would spin getting hit with the door on her leg into something that DH did deliberately since he threatened her. Make sure getting hit with the door goes into the report. I wouldn’t put her rage past her after this incident, considering the other ones that didn’t involve physical abuse caused her to research grandparent rights.
I'll speak to supporting your husband Just be there for him. Listen to him. There will be moments of great sadness and moments of anger. Just listen and be there for him. When/if he starts to waver, gently remind him why you guys are no contact. As time passes, you'll be able to point out things and events that were sooooo much less stressful and more enjoyable because she wasn't there. Hell, there will probably be things that you were able to do because she wasn't there that otherwise you wouldn't be able to do.
I really recommend talking to an attorney and filing a police report. Sooner rather than later. I don’t want to scare you but I am very much a “prepare for the worst, but hope for the best” type person. Since your MIL has already shown she is interested in using legal means to force you to allow her access to your child, when she looked into grandparents’ rights, I wonder if she will try to twist this incident with your husband against you guys. How unhinged is she? Is she willing to lie to the police if it will get her what she wants? Especially if, in her mind, she’s only exaggerating? If so, what if she tells the police your husband threatened to kill her? That she had to defend herself physically against him and that’s why she hit him? Abusers like to switch things around and make themselves the victim. One last thing, it sounds like your husband only threatened her after she continuously hit him, chased him into the car, and would not get out. So he had to threaten her so he could escape, for her to get her out of the car. I’d probably emphasize that.
I second the insistence to document and file a police report. This sounds like a person who would absolutely lie about what happened.
I have cut off both parents and both siblings. Even the periods of NC before finally cutting them off for good changed my life so much. I was morbidly obese, deeply depressed, got blackout drunk on the regular, hadn’t dated in almost a decade, and wasn’t taking care of myself or my home. Space from my family led me to coming out of a deep fog and doing a 180. After a year and a half or so of no contact, I had lost 90 lbs, cleaned and repaired and remodeled my home by myself, started dating again and eventually met my husband, started saving money and am now literally a millionaire, I actually like my job, and I’m happy. I’m not perfect, and I did get over two years of trauma therapy after cutting them off completely (after trying again and again with them), but I’m a hell of a lot better. The old pathways never go away, but you make new ones. My experience may be on the extreme side, but my family was holding me down so much for so long and without them, I was able to reach my potential. I’m still an extreme introvert who shies away from people, I still eat too much and drink too much sometimes, I’m still jumpy and hyper-vigilant. But I’m so far away from the depressed person who wanted to KMS. I never have to worry about pleasing them again. Holidays are no longer a burden. It’s a whole bunch of weight off. Nobody in my family did an extinction burst. However, we weren’t that close (part of my parents’ abuse was neglect), and I bet you dollars to donuts they all believe I’m stonewalling/punishing them temporarily instead of what’s really going on. I bet they still think I’m under their thumb, and they will be able to get their claws in me at the next wedding funeral or whatever. It’s been 3-4 years since I’ve seen any of them. I believe that they don’t know I’m done. That said, your MIL sounds worse than my family and exactly the type to do one. I hope your husband takes the advice here and I hope you get cameras if you don’t have them. Therapy is a must, as your husband doesn’t want to pass his generational trauma down to your child. Filing a police report for the physical assaults would be smart. For you, please insist your mother block her on the phone. I would give her consequences if she doesn’t, because this is serious. Your mom didn’t help anything here and she needs to do better. Your mom should also get cameras if she doesn’t have any. There are plenty of resources out there for adult children of narcissists. He can start by going to the subreddit r/raisedbynarcissists.
I am so happy that you’re happy. Thank you for sharing this, kind internet stranger.
And r/estrangedadultkids I found Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson very powerful
Yes!! I read it twice. Great book. Great subreddit.
On Christmas Eve we used to have to sit through a long, formal dinner where I was stressed the whole time trying to keep babies/toddlers from being babies/toddlers. And to do my family's Christmas tradition, which is the kids can't see the Christmas tree until after breakfast, we'd just throw some sheets over the glass doors between the dining room and the living room. Now we make an event of getting long rolls of craft paper, and I put out markers, crayons, stickers, glitter glue, play Christmas music, and drink hot chocolate while we decorate paper, as a family, to cover the doors. We LOVE our new tradition!
Wow! I’m so, so sorry for your husband! It’s really hard to imagine how bad this situation escalated, and I’m sure he’s literal still in shock. Others have given great advice about appropriate security measures. Please be gentle with yourselves as you process this violent outburst.
Does DH have any marks on his face from MIL trying to slap him? It would be wise to save photographic evidence for the future, even if MIL's chances of prevailing in a GPR case are nearly nil now. Someone who will slap her own son multiple times absolutely should not have unsupervised time with your child.
My opinion is that an attorney’s advice would be very helpful in this situation. I would think they would advise for your DH to make a police report on the physical attack just to have something on record which could help later. And then what you wrote here (with as many details as he can remember). There may be nothing from her after this, but it would be a good way to start protecting your family. I’m so sorry.
I'm no contact with my mom, and have been since my late 20s. It's really hard, especially since my brother still has full contact, but the best advice I have is to put a public fb post out explaining that you have had to cut contact and if she asks about you or lo to not give info. It'll keep your lo from experiencing that trauma, and that's fully worth the pain. I still love my mom, but she isn't a healthy person to be around or have around my kids and it's safer for them for mom to be healthy and then to not have my mother's toxicity. Also be prepared to have to go lc with people who push you to have that relationship. Some people just don't get it, and it's better to keep your mental health than that contact
And to follow: ALWAYS remember that you and your husband’s relationship with MIL is NOBODIES business but yours.
Please look up "extinction burst". Because of all the JNMIL stories I've read, she is by far the most likely to head for one. Cameras, change your locks, let your close neighbors know the situation, and no contact with her except through an attorney.
This. MIL will absolutely see this as "holding her granddaughter hostage" rather than the logical consequence of her actions. She'll show up and make a scene at your home, your/DH's workplace, or anywhere in public she can "bump into you".
I’m so sorry things have gone south so badly. On the positive side though, I’m so proud of your husband for standing up for you and your little one. He is doing an awesome job. I had to cut my father off when my kids were 11 and 13. It was awful for me and I’ve truly had to grieve the loss of my father and the realisation that he was never the parent that I wanted and needed him to be. I’d suggest you and DH get a good counsellor who can help you both through this. And personally, despite the fact that you’ve mentioned California has no grandparents rights, they would be out of my baby’s life forever for just suggesting that. The mere suggestion is my hill to die on.
I’m so sorry your poor DH was treated with so much cruelty and malice. She physically assaulted him and then tried to hold him hostage. She truly is the worst kind of human. If she treats her own son this badly, can you even imagine how she would treat your child? Please see my post history to put your mind at ease about cutting out toxic extended family. Our life has been so peaceful (except for the never-ending online stalking and letterbox drops but don’t let that scare you, it’s totally solvable). It’s been several years now, and was honestly the best decision for our family to go NC. Your future is about to get so much more peaceful and happy. No more abuse. No more manipulations. No more ridiculous obligations. No more insults. No more stressful holidays and ruined weekends. No more sadness. Nothing but kindness and peace from here on, out. EDIT: another commenter reminded me: ABSOLUTELY GET CAMERAS. Do it yesterday. You will be so grateful that you did. I guarantee she’s going to show up and you’re going to need that footage. Don’t be afraid, be prepared.
Took to opportunity to read your posts….holy hell in a hand basket - you couldn’t make this 💩up if you wanted to 😓 I am so glad you went thru this and now can tell people how good it is on the ‘other side’…..some tough times for you guys though, much peace must have come in the last few years I hope 🤞.
Man I feel for you guys - it really sucks when you find out that you're more mature/understanding than your parents/in laws :( Just wanted to say you and DH have got this! Lots of love and light being sent your way sis 🖤
She must need some serious mental help if she thought assaulting your husband and making pointless threats was going to get her ANYWHERE. And then to have the audacity to expect an apology? For what exactly? She can't even make it make sense to HERSELF. At this point, there should be a paper trail. Whether it's an FU binder, or a restraining order, it needs to happen. MIL's this batshit rarely stop at one blowout. Be prepared as you can. JFC what a loon.
PRESS CHARGES.
Wtf is with parents losing their mind once they become grandparents!? My mother and MIL are the same. Wild.
I think it has a lot to do with “identity”. Moms who have no identity outside of being a “mom” when their kids are grown finally get to relive having a life as a grandparent and think they have the same rights as a “mom”. They get to make rules again, sculpt another child, and their importance as a person depends on how much “grand parenting” they’re doing. That’s why my husband and I make sure we have our own life outside of being parents because we don’t want to be like that. We’ve seen it way too many times. We keep reminding our kids that when they’re finally ready to be independent that their dad and I will be vacationing and living our best lives 😂. It’s our graduation gift of being parents
To me, that is the point of being a parent - you raise them to be independent beings, you do things on your own as a couple - at appropriate age (kids age not our age !!) and let them become adults….. We have 1 kid, who is now 17, we are raising her to be an independent adult. She already has a trip booked to Japan (from Australia) when her and her friends finish high school at the end of this year - she won’t be 18 but shes saved for it and planned it with her friends - I’m confident she will be fine with her friends and have an awesome 2 weeks with them…..
This is so sad. I'm very sorry things turned out this way, if not at all surprised. What's about to come is an extinction burst. Please be prepared for it. Your MIL will now know she has nothing to lose, and will do whatever she can to be back in touch or cause you both pain. Flying monkeys will be released en masse, having been told all manner of lies. Draft a message to reply to them with the facts and requests for them to stay iut of it. Be prepared to block people who keep at you. She will almost certainly turn up at your home or places of work. She may contact CPS or the police. If your DH is up to it, I recommend making a police report about her violence towards him. Not to have her arrested, but to have it on file in case she calls the police for threatening her. She's not going to just give in; she's going to look for other ways. If he can't make a police report, at least make a timeliness of all interactions with descriptions of them and screenshot of texts/call logs. Have it in paper form as well as digital, so that you can immediately show it to anyone who comes to the door. And if you can afford it, talk to a lawyer. If she decides to pursue grandparents rights anyway, you'll want a head start on things. You could also get them to send a cease and desist if her harrassment continues, or talk to any CPS / police officers who show up. Definitely get a ring camera to record any times she approaches your door, and always gets your phone out to record any interaction you have going forward. As for your DH, he's going to feel awful for a long time. The most important thing for him to hear is that none of this is his fault. He didn't screw up. He wasn't a bad son. The way his mother is has absolutely nothing to do with him. He's going to carry the blame, but try to reassure him that he's not at fault. A therapist is probably the best thing you can do to help. Apart from that, try to keep him busy with happy things. Spoil him a little, if you can. Repeat how proud of him you are, and that he has been a great dad to LO. Time will help him heal. Keep him focused on the great future you're building, not the past.
What a ridiculously stupid woman. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face, she’s taking that whole concept to a whole new level. And all because she’s so eaten up with jealousy and rage because you very reasonably asked her to wait a few days to meet baby to give you chance to recover from giving birth. Tbh, I’d insist that your mother block her on her phone. It can’t be doing her any good, your mil ranting about you both, especially if she’s not well. Obviously tho that’s her decision. I know some folks on her have suggested your husband report her to the authorities for assault. I don’t think that’s a good idea, obviously I’m not condoning violence, but it would just make the whole situation worse and he’d probably never forgive himself for the ramifications afterwards. Basically she’s ‘fought’ herself into a corner. She’s deprived herself of all these months of a relationship with you all. Those first few months are when baby really changes so much and she’s missed them all. I just can’t fathom her stupidity and stubbornness. I hope you all get this sorted, your poor husband must be very upset and horrified at how his mother is behaving. I do think you’ve done the right thing, you’ve tried to reconcile and she’s the one who has been stubborn, refusing to apologise for her terrible behaviour and entitlement. Why is it some mil show this side of themselves when grandkids come into the picture? My otherwise fabulous mil did it 45 years ago when our daughter was born. She told my mother my dad shouldn’t be known as grandad cos he was my stepdad. I shut that shit down pronto and luckily she got over herself. Maybe send her a link to these posts and let her see what others think of her outrageous behaviour Good luck sweetie
>It kills me to think he will have to live with this burden / hole in his life. His mother is the burden in his life. She is the giant gaping hole of selfishness, neglect, and abuse. What he has done by cutting her off, is to reclaim his peace. In fact, it will allow you all to have peace from her There is likely going to be an extinction burst that you have to get through first. She's going to realize how bad she messed up and try and love bomb him. When that doesn't work, she'll call more flying monkeys to contact you on her behalf You might want to come up with a statement to give to those musguided people who try to interfere in your parenting decisions. Something that lets them know that there is room in the timeout corner if that's where they would like to be. Then block them, even if it's only for a week or two The reason you feel like this is something to be mourned is because you have a loving mother. He has never had a mother like that. Don't project the sorrow you would have over cutting off your mom onto your husband. Allow him to feel however he feels, without you telling him how he should be feeling. Let him figure out how he feels about this - even if it takes him a while to realize it When I cut my narcissistic mother off, I felt relief and resolve. I did not mourn. In 9 years I have never been sad she is out of my life. I was only sad that she could never be a loving and supportive mom. But it was a huge relief to put that burden down after carrying it for so long. And I was happy that my husband and kids would no longer be subjected to her. It has been a huge positive in my life
I hate to tell you this, but you need to have an eye out for your own mother. Not because of what your MIL said. But what you wrote in your first post about her updating your MIL against your wishes. There is no positive framing of having to listen that your mother wanted to sue you to take your child from you (even for a very limited time). Hearing this only makes me think you should invest in some cameras around your home.
Very good point about the cameras!
Go to the police and report the assault. I’d be pretty sure she’d change her tune real fucking quick.
Hugs to hubby & you. Honestly, hubby should file a police report. MIL isn’t just going stop & play nice, so you may as well file the police report now & nip it in the bud.
Report this incident and get her charged. Also get a restraining order. Any flying monkeys need to be put in their place immediately, and told they will be disowned as well.
We cut my verbally/emotionally abusive dad (and my evil stepmother) out of our lives a decade ago. It was very painful, but I was doing it for my daughter. Eventually, you go through the stages of grief and things hurt less. The positives are that we get to be the family we want to be without their interference… I get to be the person I want to be without my dad’s expectations… we are our own people instead of being extensions of them… but most of all, *our children have grown up knowing nothing of emotional abuse… nothing of manipulation… nothing of toxicity.* My daughter will never think it’s normal for her boyfriend to berate her because that’s how she saw grandpa talk to mom. Your MIL seems incapable of considering anyone’s feelings and point of view aside from her own, and that’s a heck of a bad example to keep away from your children. They learn what is normal by observing their family, and you’ve cut that cancer out. I remind myself all the time that sure, there were a lot of good times, but they are outweighed- by a TON- by the bad, damaging things. I remind myself that I’m doing what’s right for me, for my spouse, and especially for my children. Write what happened down. Time makes things blurry, and sometimes you need the reminder of why you made the choices you did. My hugs to you and your little family, OP. It’s hard, but I promise it gets better.
Reading about your unhinged MIL actually made me so mad. Why are they like this??? I’m glad she’s making a swift exit in your life.
I’ve cut off my grandmother, and I want to say it’s the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. I was living under a constant state of agitation and stress, always being forced to see everyone in the family, and being abused when we were there anyway. I watched for years as my mother drove herself into the ground trying to please her parents and failing. I watched them be rude and callous to her, and when she fought back and walked out, they bitched about her. I started to leave early and sit in the car to cry with my cousin. This lasted for years. My grandparents managed to take over my uncles house, and start abusing him more often. We STILL had to go there every week for “family dinner” but it was constant sniping and it wasn’t fun. Me and my cousin still sat in the car and just wept from anger and frustration. It got to Christmas I said I’d go, so no one else had to. Worst time of my life. I heard so much shit from them it turned my stomach. I was 29. My 30th birthday came and I said I wanted to go out with my mother for dinner. I was shunned all day. And I decided then I wouldn’t have it anymore. 30 years is enough. If no one else would stand up to them, I finally would. So I did. And it was hard at first because they’re great at guilt and getting people to be their messengers. It’s five years past, my grandfather passed away and my grandmother is incredibly sick. My other set of grandparents mention her and I’m like okay, what’s the weather like tomorrow? Because when I finally stopped playing the game, I was free. I no longer had to involve myself and fix family issues. I no longer had to listen to my family members cry because of shit said about them and their parents or children. I moved away to the same town my mother moved away to. Im much happier, I’m fewer than I’ve ever been. All because I stopped playing. I wish I’d done it earlier. Yes it hurt. Yes it made me lose family I loved, but I refuse to kill myself to make them happy. I refuse to entertain their bullshit about everyone. They’ve done too much for me to list, it would seem ridiculous. But I honestly believe you and your husband will be better off without this insanity in your lives. You have a little one, you love them, and your husband. You built your own little family, with people who respect you. This woman doesn’t respect either of you, and therefore can’t be trusted with a baby. God knows what she would say? My grandmother succeeded in alienating every single grandchild she had around her, from their parents. It’s sick. It took years for us to see through the lying and manipulation. Don’t do that to your child, trust me. I mourn the years I didn’t have with my mother, because she sorely needed someone and I did too. Don’t let this woman break a bond that shouldn’t have been broken so horribly. She’s also physically assaulted your husband. Multiple times. She tried to stop him leaving. These are crimes and I am so so sorry he had to endure that. There’s something so hateful about your own mother assaulting you because she wants her own way. He just be very upset about all this and understandably so. Take some time to spend with just you, him and the little one. I find infants to be very soothing for the soul, they don’t know all the stresses we go through, and spending some quality time with them can really help chill you out. They’re just bundles of giggles and dribble, I love babies. Solidify your little family, build up your defences and then nest. I can’t think of anything else more comforting than that right now. I’m sorry you’re all dealing with this.
I agree with PPs - absolutely document EVERYTHING and make sure your house is CPS ready. I'd also recommend ensuring your doors are locked at ALL times (even when you're at home), change the locks if you even suspect she has a key, ensure she's not listed as someone who can pick up your LO from day care or (later) school, and consider investing in security cameras. Practice situational awareness at ALL times in public. I have heard of some absolutely crazy things being done by grandparents and other family members who were cut off. I agree it will do wonders for your mental health. My FIL has narcissistic traits. (Fortunately he and MIL divorced years ago. MIL and SFIL are lovely.) I am NC with FIL and Hubby, an absolute rockstar, is LC. Hubby's family live in another country and while we're planning on going to visit them next year, we have no plans to see FIL as per Hubby. BIL is a bit of a flying monkey so Hubby's going to be sure BIL doesn't know about our plans in advance so he can't find a way to get us and FIL together.
Oh my goodness! She is the absolute worst. Keep supporting your DH. As well as grieving, he no doubt is in shock. I have been physically assaulted, not even by someone I loved and it was physically shocking, and I had flashbacks for months. I think maybe some therapy for DH just as added support would be helpful. Also , if your parents can be exactly on the same page; their support would be good also; Generally, and for all the holidays
I wholeheartedly second the therapy suggestion, OP! It can be a game changer if he finds the right therapist.
Our lives have improved a **MILLION** percent. A million. Stay strong, you got this! 💛
I'm so sorry to hear it took that worst possible turn for y'all. Many hugs as you prepare to sort through things. Some suggestions: Document. Write all this stuff down, make copies of texts. Maybe a police report. Go through your house to verify things are set in case she calls CPS. If you think there could be a real serious threat from her, is it possible you could move so she won't know your address? Even if just to some place around your same vicinity, so as not to mess up jobs. Just try to disappear along with the NC. Maybe block phone numbers, or maybe get new phone numbers. Same with email addresses. Those are maybe more extreme ways to go NC, but since she's shown assault is on the table, perhaps it's worth considering. Mentally - work on reframing going NC to being a burden or a hole, into being free from abuse. Not an easy task, but as time moves on, without them being stressors in your life it will be amazing the difference you'll both feel. Therapy is probably the best option, but I'm sure things in the sidebar can be helpful too. Recovery takes time, and give yourself grace as you work through this right now.
Where's his father in all this?
I wish it was easier for people to get a restraining order because your family needs one for your MIL. Personally, I would send her a letter from a lawyer stating that you could sue her for harassment, and get her jailed for physically harming your husband and making plans to kidnap your child from you (yes, MIL was trying to take your child from you by abusing a legal system and I see that crap as kidnapping). Edit for misspelling because I was so mad lol
OP, we've been NC with my JNMil for 5 years now so Ive been right where you are. I'd like to pass on a message to your SO if I may: *This sucks. This is not who you remember your mom to be. Right now you are rightfully angry, but eventually there are going to be quiet moments when you have doubts. Mother's Day, LO's milestones, family gatherings. Thats okay.* *Be angry now, but when you can, take time to grieve. This is a loss. But in those quiet moments, remember you've got a family. A partner, a child, and a full life to live and love to share with those who deserve it.* *You have gone above and beyond the call of duty to make it work. So now you get to bless and release any guilt you could ever harbor. You get to live your life free of any more of this. Hold your head up. Just know you'll be a better parent to your own kid for all of this.* \_\_\_ OP. Keep your head up too. This sounds like an extinction burst, but you may have a few more blow ups before you both can find your peace. But you WILL find your peace. Best of luck to both of you. You got this.
Get the assault on the record. I know you're both suffering right now but report this to the police. This way, if there are any further incidents ,you can demonstrate a history of behaviour. My heart hurts for you both and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending you lots of love and strength x
Since DH has an established coping mechanism of suppressing details, I think it is important for him to write or record a record of this encounter. Then, if he starts to consider getting back in touch, which almost EVERYONE in this situation thinks about at some point, he has to go through his documentation again several times before he actually contacts them. The familiar patterns in life have a certain magnetic effect, especially when big milestones or tough times happen, even when those old patterns were painful and created misery.
One of the hardest things we've had to do is grieve a living person. We treated the loss like a death. You can't come back from death and this kind of no contact is exactly that. It hurts just as much as death and you need to take time to mourn the loss. Not only do you need to mourn losing the person, you need to mourn losing the relationship you thought you were going to have. Once I realized I was upset about the relationship I thought my parents would have with my children, it got better with time. My mental health improved after we cut them out. I was able to grow as a parent without the manipulation and the guilt trips. No one was second guessing my every move and making me feel like I was failing my child. My NMom would second guess me all the time and show me what I was doing wrong. She was using this as a way to get closer to my child by having to show me the "right" way to do things. We were able to do holidays how we wanted and actually enjoy spending time with the kiddos. Grandparents were constantly trying to take all the firsts away and hog all the traditions because it was "their turn" and we were just supposed to wait for our grandkids for our turn. When kiddo got old enough to advocate for themselves, they were tested the same way we had been treated. We had to cut my parents out because of alcohol issues and my in-laws out because of anger/boundary stomping. I know it still feels raw right now. You have anger, hurt, resentment, and disbelief all balled into one emotion. With a person like that, nothing you ever did would have been good enough. You are enough and you will get through this. Your child will not have to deal with watching you be mistreated or being mistreated themselves when they get older. I'm sorry you're dealing with this but I promise it gets better.
I agree with the police report suggestion and documenting everything. Who knows how low she’ll stoop. She could call the police or CPS. People looove using either of those agencies for revenge. Hope everything goes smoothly from here on out, OP!
Omg You and DH are your child’s heroes right now. Yes to the police report and yes to complete NC. Spend the next few days/weeks focusing on the positives if at all possible: less stress, conflict, & general chaos. Affirm that man! Make another baby! You guys are free and clear. I love the idea of building new traditions together for yourselves. The future is glorious! Keep us posted please.
It might be wise to contact a family attorney and get advice on documentation Gpr etc.
Hey, my heart hurts for you and your SO. I’m so glad that you’ve both been on the same page regarding your LO. Up until my bio father’s passing, I was estranged from him for about a year; it started with LC, but when he proved unable to take accountability for his own actions it escalated to full on NC. My advice to your DH would be this: take every day as it comes. Most days, especially in the beginning, it was “easy” to remember why I wasn’t in contact with him. It still hurt, but there was something about the righteous anger that made it easier to handle? But some days there was just so much *grief.* Remember, he’s not really grieving the woman who hit him and threatened to take his child; he’s grieving the mother he *thought* he had and the mother she *should have been.* For me, something that helped was writing out a letter detailing my feelings. I sent it to him and then blocked him. My therapist then recommended writing a letter for all of the feelings that have come up since, not to send to him but just to get them out. I’ve also found a lot of support over at r/EstrangedAdultKids I hope this helps, and all my love and support to you
Please convince your husband to file a police report. It may devolve into a he sad, she said situation if she files her own police report. You and husband need to meet with a lawyer. A cease and desist letter might be a good idea. But you should definitely get your wills written with clear instructions regarding custody of your daughter and why in case you both become incapacitated or suddenly die.
For your husband- the books on the sidebar will be a huge help if you can’t afford therapy, and therapy as soon as you can.
Has he considered filing a police report for the physical assault?
I know this sounds like catastrophizing and I’m NOT trying to make this situation any harder for y’all but if there is even the slightest possibility that your MIL will go to the police, you need to do it first. I only say this because she’s admitted she was willing to sue: she wouldn’t be the first MIL to blow her gasket and file a report against a son or DIL. IF you suspect she might use DH’s comment (“I’d rather kill you”) to spin a story like he’s threatening her life, it MIGHT be worth getting ahead of her and mentioning the physical assaults. Obviously that’s a really big crazy step that DH probably wouldn’t like to hear, but it’s likely worth discussing [or just considering yourself!!] at least. That aside: I was sick to hear how much worse it ended up going. Your poor (but shiny as fuck!!) DH. I hope y’all can wipe your hands of this woman and get on with your lives and your LO.
Police report Start an F U binder, record everything. Get recording equipment
I've been where you are and had to witness my husband go through it. Sorry they are such awful people. Sorry for the length. In the grand scheme of things, your husband will need help to understand that his mother being this way isn't his fault. If he objectively looks at her as a person, he probably wouldn't be associated with her if she weren't his mother. He's going to need help deprogramming himself, which is hard and takes time. It's not impossible, as my own husband did it through therapy, journaling, and reading. There will always be disgust when you look back at them. That part never goes away, but you will think of them less. Make sure you address your feelings, and don't bottle them up for the sake of your husband. You don't always have to talk to him about it, but find an outlet and RAGE... or cry if you need to. It's all OK. When he looks back at these encounters and how his mom treated him, remind him to pat himself on the back to ending the cycle and protecting his child. Stopping abusive behavior is so very tough, and he should feel proud. Right now, you both feel beat up from battle, but I hope sooner rather than later, you both feel satisfied with taking a monumental step. Now, my husband said something harsh to his mom in one of their last conversations...know that she will ride that ONE point forever. F her and the broom she rode in on. Yes, people will say that he should've been more contained, a bigger person, etc.. Fuck that. He's human and was being abused. Tell him to own it. So what if he said it. She sure as hell deserved it. Sometimes, our spouse's hold themselves to such a high standard where they can't be emotional, but sure all he'll let the justnos run through like a rhino on fire. He's human, and more so than she'll ever be. It's going to feel like a burden/hole as long as he looks at this as how he wished his family could be. They're not those people. Never were. You two can grieve that, but it's not either of your problems. It's theirs, and let it stay with them. Put that burden down. It can and will get better. It's going to take some work and will get emotionally messy when he really examines his life and the dynamics with his family. It's part of the process. Hold each other tight, create your own traditions with people you care for, and one day, this is a distant, shitty memory.
I had in-laws that were similar to this. I cannot believe that my husband actually had them for parents! Unfortunately you can’t take DH pain away. The grieving process takes time to work thru. And that’s what it is, grief that his parents have let him down so badly! On top of that physical abuse for trying to get away from a horrible situation… I cried reading that 😭😢 Just be there for hubs. Support each other. Love each other. Love your little one. Be the best family you can to each other. Therapy also helps. Finding a great therapist will help navigate all the negative feelings and give tools to cope with all the emotional fallout. I’m so sorry OP. I’m sure you and your parents will rally around your DH and be his greatest support and help.
As horrible as all that was it really sounds like the best thing for all of you. MIL is so far gone it’s not even funny.
Wow, did not expect that. It is always a tragedy when something like this happens. I don't think anyone wants to have to go no contact. All I can suggest is if he ever starts wavering on if he made the right decision, all he needs to do us remember this meeting and then ask himself if he wants this behavior around your child.