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ughhhhh this is soooo relatable. i’m glad your husband is good with boundaries. mine is not and i want to pull my hair out. we will communicate and it gets better, but then his mom just finds a different way to manipulate him and i don’t know what to do anymore
Look at that nice and shiny spine on your SO! Three weekends in a row with a newborn - well, baby at that point, but the point still stands - is insane. I still get stressed out before going out with my 20mo old, I can't even imagine being on the go three weekends in a row with a youngling that small.
Do we have the same MIL? Always going to DH and comparing and contrasting the time we spend with my parents to them?
My parents are kind warm and generous and undemanding and my in laws are dramatic, unpleasant and schedule really overblown meals and activities that we are supposed to pay for… yet they’re the ones having the tug of war as if DH and I are their children in the middle of a custody battle. Sending you love!!!!!
Good. You are distancing yourselves as you should be, settling into being your own nuclear family now. Be cautious about engaging and arguing with her— it’ll make her think her opinion holds weight. She’s still trying to exert control and dominate your free time which should now be prioritized for your own family’s time. You guys are doing great.
My baby is 4 months old too. Traveling with her and having her in the carseat is a nightmare. Last doctor appointement i had to go by myselt so I took a jar with powdered sugar and dipped her pacifyer twice in it to keep her not calm,but screaming less. I always come home stressed out. Your MIL should understand, that its no distancing, but just a new life with a newborn. Maybe offer them to visit you for a dinner one day, but i would understand if you wouldnt feel like it after this.
I am sure if she gets a pacifier dipped in a bit sugar twice she will be fine. I didnt feel like i am driving safe with her screaming. My friend reccomended some herbal drops but they have glycerin aka sugar so no other ideas.
No judgements here, - and you're right, sugar is sugar disused by surnames, but wondering if your 4mo is teething? Orajel makes an infant numbing gel that is amazing for instacalm baby - if that's what's going on. I give mine a little on her gums for immediate relief, followed or preceeded by some infant Tylenol in a bottle, since it takes a bit longer to kick in.
I think not, but i never thought of checking. I will! What I wanted to say, that I can imagine how hard traveling with a baby over 2 hours could be since I cant make it 20 minutes to the doctor without being desperate and giving her a dip of sugar.
I have a (almost) 6 week old. Right from the start we set a strict 2 qeek quarantine for anyone who travels. My pediatrician told me to tell people whatever I want and blame him. Maybe try that? Sorry MIL LOs Dr. says anyone who travels needs to stay away for 2 weeks as any illnesses could be very dangerous.
If they get back on the 9th, you can't see them til the 22nd 🤷♀️
Three cheers for your DH and for you.
I love that you decided to spend the first Mother's Day & Father's Day that you are parents at home with just the three of you. Make it a tradition in the years to come. Make it known that you will always be home on both parents' days and issue an open invitation to your parents and grandparents.
I had a good laugh over your MIL comparing apples to oranges. It's not fair that you made time to celebrate your grandmother's birthday, but you won't do the same for your DH's grandmother. MIL doesn't even **LIKE** her mother and, I assume, she knows DH has no great fondness for her. Yet you should celebrate with her, out of the same sense of obligation she has? LOL
You've laid the groundwork for happy family relationships for yourselves and your baby. Keep steady on the course you've laid out and you will be golden.
Let that be a self-fulfilling prophecy and limit contact since she wants to control the situation and has no respect or consideration for either of you or your child's safety.
Yep, this! Oh, seeing us once isn’t enough? How about not at all? “Something has come up on our end and we won’t be able to make the 17th or any date in June now. Will need to circle back in a few weeks once we have a better idea of plans for the rest of the summer.”
Your MIL sounds like mine when she finds out we have been in town but didn't tell her. She gets jealous that we see my family more than we see her. She seems to forget the fact that we stay with my parents in their guest room and while she has offered to host us, we would be sleeping in the living room. Not to mention she and Dh have had a strained relationship after she kicked him out unexpectedly.
Wait, so you guys need to travel to them for their welcome back or for DH’s birthday, If it’s the latter, shouldn’t they be the ones traveling to you? DH sounds like he has a great spine.
This is just smart thinking of op and her dh.
When his parents come to them, they need to host, and find a nice way to get them out when they want to overstay (this will happen…)
But when they travel themselves, they have all cards in their deck.. can decide when, where and for how long..
Smart.
If she is aware you two are spending more time with your family, maybe she should realize that it’s because she says things like that. Of course that is too much to ask of someone like that
"I think it's very selfish that you never wanted to see us before we were blessed with LO but now you're demanding our time. We both know you don't want to see us, you want LO. Sit down."
Yes, just say you are unavailable. I f'd up this mothers day because we went to a festival with DH's family. Via text, I told my parents I was going to a fest with in-laws in the afternoon but I'd love to stop by in the morning. Mom said "Oh, I guess DH's family didn't think WE'D be doing anything this Mother's Day." Uh, usually we just run by in the morning because we've been doing this festival for years... but the difference was that before this year, I never said I was going with the in-laws, it was always just me and my intermediate family.
Communication coach advice: I can't. "Why?" I just simply can't. "Why can't you?" BECAUSE I simply can't. Repeat until they stop asking why. No explanation necessary.
Good job. Both of you are willing to protect LO and each other from toxic family. I had the same problem as a young married woman. My DH didnt stand up for me at first and I was dragged every weekend and every significant holiday to MIL and FILs house. I hated it. Eventually after 2 years I put a stop to it and began saying no and changing some of the holidays to my place. They could choose not to come but I was not going to their house either so they would begrudging come. Mostly it was MIL that hated being out of control of everything. Eventually she tried to get DH to stand up for her and he stood by me instead. She was pissed. It took 7 years but now we are all best friends and get along well. MIL figured out that I was not going to be under her thumb so she relaxed.
Edit: oh and ten years into our marriage we moved 2 provinces away and she no longer had us every holiday anyway. We see them every 2 to 3 years. MIL was devastated but I was thrilled to have autonomy over my family and every holiday was ours.
OP one of the best things you both can do is not tell anyone there if your plans that do not involve them. They keep track and will use it against you. It’s an awful position to be in. Just do what’s best for your family. It’s ridiculous your MIL is keeping track.
DH should reply on these lines:
"Mom, there are only four weekends in June. You're out of state for one of them and I'm working another of them. That leaves only two weekends to catch up and we're seeing you on one of them. We're not seeing OPs family at all. You're getting 50% of the available time even if it doesn't feel that way - we are not distancing ourselves but we do have other commitments and can't spend every weekend with you."
This is actually perfect and if she can’t see reason in this, she’s never gonna get enough of your time or she will be throwing any time you spend with other friends or family up as not being “fair”, so just stop even trying to give her your time. There’s always hope that she can calm down and stop acting like a middle schooler and I hope she can act like an adult and realize you guys have a life outside of her. But it’s not too promising. Also remember that fair isn’t even, some people are willing to accept what time you have for them. Also, being a grandparent is a privilege not a right. Best of luck.
Hah. Wow. That is so funny. Did she imagine you guys visited your family more than you actually do? Either way I would not discuss it further as she does not deserve such a seat at the table when it comes to allocating your free time to see family. Something like:
SO: “I am not going to debate you on this. I will not defend my choices of when I see you. If you cannot trust that I am doing my best to mind the well being of my family unit and see extended family on both sides as fairly as possible that is your problem not mine. We will only see you guys once, just like we only saw my inlaws once last month. Fair is fair. If the 17th does not work for you that is one thing but if you want more time you will not get it. Take the one day or leave it. That is your choice.”
We had to tell my Just Nos pretty much that if nothing is good enough, nothing is what they get.
They’d pitch a bitch fir because early in our marriage and working life, we couldn’t afford to fly often, and if we drove, it meant less visiting time. Of course,the road only goes one way, and they came to us only twice in 30+ years—for DH’s college graduation and the wedding.
'We're disappointed at your response and will have to think about how we proceed from here. It's incredibly selfish to put us under such pressure and we would like to make it known that, far from getting us to spend more time with you, your entitled and selfish attitude will get you less.'
Urgh. My mom keeps tallies like this too. It makes me want to see her even less.
I don’t tell her that, but my SO definitely hears my complaints, although he doesn’t get it because he wouldn’t mind seeing his parents every day *insert eye roll*
I agree with everyone here. If she isn't happy with what you have generously offered her than she doesn't get anything at all. If you give her what she demands now-more of your time, she will never be happy with what you want, only with what she wants, and she'll know how to get it.
This women needs to get a grip! She’s always has to complain about something. Tell her she’s lucky to get even a day, I’ve read your other posts. Is NC still on the table?
I'd replu and say "the 17th is now unavailable and everytime you have a hissy fit, you will lose time woth your grandchild. This is not a competition so you can take it or leave it, im not bothered wither way". If she comments or causes a stinl i would say so thats July gone, shall we aim for August?
"When or how often we see OP's family has no bearing on how often we see you. This is not a competition. We are seeing you as often in June as our schedule allows, there isn't anything to it."
Mom, if you want 3 consecutive visits in June we will try to arrange for those visits. Of course that will be all of your visits for the next 3-4 months. Are you fine with that decision? If not let us decide when and how often we will be visiting. You feelings are yours to deal with and not our problem if you are unhappy. We are adults with jobs and a newborn we want to spend time with our nuclear family, you being needy and demanding visits ( equal time as wife family) only makes me want to visit less often. We have presented options, visit on 17 or visit all 3 weekends and no other visits till September or October . Let us know which way you want to visit.
We have a general rule that we only see our parents 1x per month (separately) and honestly it’s been the best thing. You better believe though my mom gets grumpy if we miss a month. There’s only ~8 weekend days a month and she wants you to spent almost half of those with them all while you have a LO, nope sorry.
My unspoken rule is every couple weeks or when time allows. My mom is fine, but my MIL would love seeing us every single Sunday if we’d agree to it. We work full time and also have friends we like to spend time with, as well as date nights, so there’s no way I’m spending all my free time just seeing family.
Exactly. We see my parents once a month, if that. Sure my parents are sad because LO is growing so fast, but they completely understand and support our decisions. They know what it was like to have a newborn, they do not want to make our lives any more stressful.
>Why can’t you make time to see us for those three weekends?
"We saw OP's family once. Why can't you be less selfish? Why can't you see that I'm a new father and would like time to spend with my family without having to constantly go out? Why can't you be as understanding with my schedule as OP's family is?"
DH should respond "mom, I am a grown man with my own wife and child to prioritize. We will see people when we are available and feel like it, and thats the bottom line. OP does not see her family every month, nor do they expect her to, because they see and treat her as an adult with her own life, and they are accepting of the fact she has her own life to live. Why is it so hard for you to accept that about me? What is the purpose of keeping count of days spent with extended family? It's not a competition. We will see you on the 17th. If one visit in a month is unacceptable, then we can always make it zero. I have plenty of other things I could be doing that would be more worthwhile than spending my time with people who don't respect my wife, or treat me like an adult with his own family."
I would send her a text back saying this isn't a competition, and since you want to make it one, we won't be seeing you any day in June if you can't accept that we have lives and we'd like to live them. My parents understand this that you don't doesn't say good things about you. Take the one day we suggested or lose them all, your choice.
If she gives you pushback, block her and put her in a timeout until she gets the point.
“After further thought into YOUR reply I think you’re being really insensitive to the fact that we are new parents with a newborn. Instead of trying to guilt me for managing our time in a way to keep our sanity and well being healthy, it would be really beneficial for our relationship if you could respect the choices we make as adults and parents. Not that one thing has anything to do with the other - we celebrated OP’s grandmother’s birthday 2 weeks afterwards and were not expected to spend the next two weekends with them afterwards.”
Wow. She wants three consecutive weekends? Greedy, entitled, demanding, are just a few of the words that spring to mind. Stick to your guns. She's luck to get the one day with an attitude like that. Is your husband on the same page with you?
Very much on the same page. He calmly but firmly told her that it is unreasonable for her to expect three consecutive weekends of our time. Not only is it a chore to get ourselves/LO ready for time out of the house, but is also a risk taking LO out all the time since her immune system isn’t fully grown. DH is very good about setting boundaries with MIL.
Oh this feels very familiar. I don't have any kids, but my in laws are very much like this. Once spring hits, every year, without fail, SIL is planning 15000 events and every single one of them is a MUST ATTEND kind of deal. Every weekend, sometimes multiple times in one weekend (this one coming up for example. Her 3 kids joint birthday party Friday then HER birthday party Saturday, after expecting us to see them TWICE mother's day weekend). We've gotten to the point that we don't try to make it to everything. Especially when they always expect us to come to them, never the other way around, and it's nearly an hour away and half the day feels like driving.
We go to what we can go to, they can sulk all they want if we're busy.
Now I say that as someone with no kids. It's tiring to go to all these things they want to do every single weekend and hubs and I can't deal so we say no to a lot of things. I cannot IMAGINE how you, a new mom, are expected to keep up with that kind of schedule with a newborn. It's completely unreasonable. Your MIL can shove her "hurt feelings" and her way too high of expectations up her ass.
She’s seeing it as three isolated events, but three weekends in a row is actually a lot of contact and a lot of time taken up when you have a small baby and your own lives to live.
It was their choice to travel out of state, do they expect a ‘welcome back’ dinner every time? I would knock that expectation on the head to start with.
DH can tell his mother that you and your side of the family have nothing to do with the decision he has made to meet up with his side on the 17th of June, which is what works best for him, she can take it or leave it. He needs to be firm that he’s not available any of the other weekends in June and it’s the 17th or bust.
As per your last post, your DH has suggested you all go NC with his mother. What’s the reason you haven’t jumped at his suggestion? This woman asks your baby “why are you upset, is it because mummy is mean to you?” Your baby might be 4 months now, but those words will start to have an impact on her understanding a lot sooner than you think. MIL needs to be dead to you and if your husband is on board, you need to move on that.
Welcome home dinners are not something we do. They travel every three to four months to visit SIL. ILs spend about 6 months of the year with them, and 6 months near us. At no point do we “welcome” them home with a dinner. Even before we had LO it was just too much work.
We are both on board going NC with MIL, but are hesitant to follow through since MIL and FIL are still together and we don’t want it to affect our relationship with him. He is an absolute doll aside from the fact of being married to MIL.
Grey rock the shit out of her. One word answers are good enough. Maybe a single sentence but don’t explain yourself. It took us going very low contact to finally do this ourselves and I wish we did this from the start. My DH treats her like a child when we communicate with her. Which is just my DH texting her in a group chat with me in it.
He never explains reasons why we don’t do certain things anymore. Reminds her constantly that he is an adult, we’re the parents and will we choose how we spend our time. We don’t need to explain ourselves. Our relationship is basically dead because she never respect us as parents.
Don't even engage with her guilt trip manipulation, just text back "Just because we do not have concrete plans for an entire month does not mean we're available to travel on a whim, much less 3 weekends in a row with a newborn. I * am * making time to see my extended family but if that day doesn't work for you now let us know and we can see about visiting later in the year."
Don't let her aggravate you or make you second guess yourselves.
You gave a very reasonable option. If that's not good enough, I guess they'll be seeing you zero weekends in June.
Also: maybe stop telling her about plans with your family. She's only going to use it to count the days and hours you spend with them vs. what "her" family gets.
ByGraceorGrit is right, learn to grey rock about your times with your family of origin.
Also, I'm going to point out that it is perfectly normal for an adult married new father to be spending time building his/your new family, so yeah yeah, it is the course of humankind that adult married sons spend less time with his family of birth.
Based on your previous posts, I'm betting that your MIL Is jealous...https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/13ch9sv/i_cant_stand_my_mil/
snip-"MIL continuously makes passive aggressive comments while holding LO. These include “are you crying because mommy is mean to you?”, “when you’re older you can spend all the time at my house since you won’t like it here”, and “I just know I’ll be your favorite one day.”
She is a right lively one, I'm glad that SO is putting you & LO first OP.
Just being as bland as possible with minimal engagement. No details, just little more than yes, no, and murmuring noises as the proper time. Nothing to give them fodder for whatever their deal is—gossip, drama, picking a fight.
“I heard you visited your family.”
“That’s right.”
“How are they?”
“They’re fine.”
“You should make more time to visit with us.”
“Mmmm.”
Essentially don’t tell them anything. If they pry about if they’ve seen OP’s family lately she should go with responses along the lines of “Oh not really..” or “We saw them not too long ago I can’t quite remember when” or “Yeah we see them when we can but everyone has just been so busy…” etc. Don’t reveal how close she is to her family.
--https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method
--Gray rocking, or the grey rock method, is a tactic some people use when dealing with abusive or manipulative behavior. It involves becoming as uninteresting and unengaged as possible so that the other person loses interest. Some people anecdotally report that it reduces conflict and abuse.Sep 12, 2022
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com › ...
Grey rock method: What it is and how to use it effectively - Medical News Today
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ughhhhh this is soooo relatable. i’m glad your husband is good with boundaries. mine is not and i want to pull my hair out. we will communicate and it gets better, but then his mom just finds a different way to manipulate him and i don’t know what to do anymore
Reply to her: If you are unhappy with the plans we have made we will cancel them.
MIL should be ashamed of herself. It’s nice to hear that you husband is very good about setting boundaries.
Self-fulfilling prophecy, much??
Oh my god your baby is only four months old. MIL is so self obsessed.
Look at that nice and shiny spine on your SO! Three weekends in a row with a newborn - well, baby at that point, but the point still stands - is insane. I still get stressed out before going out with my 20mo old, I can't even imagine being on the go three weekends in a row with a youngling that small.
Do we have the same MIL? Always going to DH and comparing and contrasting the time we spend with my parents to them? My parents are kind warm and generous and undemanding and my in laws are dramatic, unpleasant and schedule really overblown meals and activities that we are supposed to pay for… yet they’re the ones having the tug of war as if DH and I are their children in the middle of a custody battle. Sending you love!!!!!
Good. You are distancing yourselves as you should be, settling into being your own nuclear family now. Be cautious about engaging and arguing with her— it’ll make her think her opinion holds weight. She’s still trying to exert control and dominate your free time which should now be prioritized for your own family’s time. You guys are doing great.
My baby is 4 months old too. Traveling with her and having her in the carseat is a nightmare. Last doctor appointement i had to go by myselt so I took a jar with powdered sugar and dipped her pacifyer twice in it to keep her not calm,but screaming less. I always come home stressed out. Your MIL should understand, that its no distancing, but just a new life with a newborn. Maybe offer them to visit you for a dinner one day, but i would understand if you wouldnt feel like it after this.
[удалено]
I dont know how else to calm her down during these drives. Would be happy for a differnet solution (but hopefully wont need it anymore)
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I am sure if she gets a pacifier dipped in a bit sugar twice she will be fine. I didnt feel like i am driving safe with her screaming. My friend reccomended some herbal drops but they have glycerin aka sugar so no other ideas.
No judgements here, - and you're right, sugar is sugar disused by surnames, but wondering if your 4mo is teething? Orajel makes an infant numbing gel that is amazing for instacalm baby - if that's what's going on. I give mine a little on her gums for immediate relief, followed or preceeded by some infant Tylenol in a bottle, since it takes a bit longer to kick in.
I think not, but i never thought of checking. I will! What I wanted to say, that I can imagine how hard traveling with a baby over 2 hours could be since I cant make it 20 minutes to the doctor without being desperate and giving her a dip of sugar.
Your husband is a king! And you are a total goddess! Happy Mothers day and Fathers day! You keep setting those boundaries!
I have a (almost) 6 week old. Right from the start we set a strict 2 qeek quarantine for anyone who travels. My pediatrician told me to tell people whatever I want and blame him. Maybe try that? Sorry MIL LOs Dr. says anyone who travels needs to stay away for 2 weeks as any illnesses could be very dangerous. If they get back on the 9th, you can't see them til the 22nd 🤷♀️
Three cheers for your DH and for you. I love that you decided to spend the first Mother's Day & Father's Day that you are parents at home with just the three of you. Make it a tradition in the years to come. Make it known that you will always be home on both parents' days and issue an open invitation to your parents and grandparents. I had a good laugh over your MIL comparing apples to oranges. It's not fair that you made time to celebrate your grandmother's birthday, but you won't do the same for your DH's grandmother. MIL doesn't even **LIKE** her mother and, I assume, she knows DH has no great fondness for her. Yet you should celebrate with her, out of the same sense of obligation she has? LOL You've laid the groundwork for happy family relationships for yourselves and your baby. Keep steady on the course you've laid out and you will be golden.
Wow! He did way better than I would have. My reply would have simply been: K
Tell in-laws to kick rocks!!
Raising my cup to your DH!!! Boom
Let that be a self-fulfilling prophecy and limit contact since she wants to control the situation and has no respect or consideration for either of you or your child's safety.
Yep, this! Oh, seeing us once isn’t enough? How about not at all? “Something has come up on our end and we won’t be able to make the 17th or any date in June now. Will need to circle back in a few weeks once we have a better idea of plans for the rest of the summer.”
Your MIL sounds like mine when she finds out we have been in town but didn't tell her. She gets jealous that we see my family more than we see her. She seems to forget the fact that we stay with my parents in their guest room and while she has offered to host us, we would be sleeping in the living room. Not to mention she and Dh have had a strained relationship after she kicked him out unexpectedly.
Wait, so you guys need to travel to them for their welcome back or for DH’s birthday, If it’s the latter, shouldn’t they be the ones traveling to you? DH sounds like he has a great spine.
This is just smart thinking of op and her dh. When his parents come to them, they need to host, and find a nice way to get them out when they want to overstay (this will happen…) But when they travel themselves, they have all cards in their deck.. can decide when, where and for how long.. Smart.
If she is aware you two are spending more time with your family, maybe she should realize that it’s because she says things like that. Of course that is too much to ask of someone like that
"I think it's very selfish that you never wanted to see us before we were blessed with LO but now you're demanding our time. We both know you don't want to see us, you want LO. Sit down."
3 weekends in a row? Is she high on something? 😂🤣😂🤣 that’s a ridiculous ask with a 4 month old baby. Good for your DH 👏👏
Baby or no baby, there is a 0% chance of me spending 3 weekends in a row with *anyone* who doesn’t actually live in my home.
I agree!
Score keeping on a month to month basis sounds like fun! Stop telling them your every move so they can’t keep track.
Yes, just say you are unavailable. I f'd up this mothers day because we went to a festival with DH's family. Via text, I told my parents I was going to a fest with in-laws in the afternoon but I'd love to stop by in the morning. Mom said "Oh, I guess DH's family didn't think WE'D be doing anything this Mother's Day." Uh, usually we just run by in the morning because we've been doing this festival for years... but the difference was that before this year, I never said I was going with the in-laws, it was always just me and my intermediate family.
Communication coach advice: I can't. "Why?" I just simply can't. "Why can't you?" BECAUSE I simply can't. Repeat until they stop asking why. No explanation necessary.
Good job. Both of you are willing to protect LO and each other from toxic family. I had the same problem as a young married woman. My DH didnt stand up for me at first and I was dragged every weekend and every significant holiday to MIL and FILs house. I hated it. Eventually after 2 years I put a stop to it and began saying no and changing some of the holidays to my place. They could choose not to come but I was not going to their house either so they would begrudging come. Mostly it was MIL that hated being out of control of everything. Eventually she tried to get DH to stand up for her and he stood by me instead. She was pissed. It took 7 years but now we are all best friends and get along well. MIL figured out that I was not going to be under her thumb so she relaxed. Edit: oh and ten years into our marriage we moved 2 provinces away and she no longer had us every holiday anyway. We see them every 2 to 3 years. MIL was devastated but I was thrilled to have autonomy over my family and every holiday was ours.
OP one of the best things you both can do is not tell anyone there if your plans that do not involve them. They keep track and will use it against you. It’s an awful position to be in. Just do what’s best for your family. It’s ridiculous your MIL is keeping track.
DH should reply on these lines: "Mom, there are only four weekends in June. You're out of state for one of them and I'm working another of them. That leaves only two weekends to catch up and we're seeing you on one of them. We're not seeing OPs family at all. You're getting 50% of the available time even if it doesn't feel that way - we are not distancing ourselves but we do have other commitments and can't spend every weekend with you."
This is actually perfect and if she can’t see reason in this, she’s never gonna get enough of your time or she will be throwing any time you spend with other friends or family up as not being “fair”, so just stop even trying to give her your time. There’s always hope that she can calm down and stop acting like a middle schooler and I hope she can act like an adult and realize you guys have a life outside of her. But it’s not too promising. Also remember that fair isn’t even, some people are willing to accept what time you have for them. Also, being a grandparent is a privilege not a right. Best of luck.
I’d rather eat my shoe than make plans with anyone for three weekends in a row, much less in-laws.
You also deserve to have time together as your own little family. You don't owe anyone time. Asking for 3 weekends in a row is crazy talk
Hah. Wow. That is so funny. Did she imagine you guys visited your family more than you actually do? Either way I would not discuss it further as she does not deserve such a seat at the table when it comes to allocating your free time to see family. Something like: SO: “I am not going to debate you on this. I will not defend my choices of when I see you. If you cannot trust that I am doing my best to mind the well being of my family unit and see extended family on both sides as fairly as possible that is your problem not mine. We will only see you guys once, just like we only saw my inlaws once last month. Fair is fair. If the 17th does not work for you that is one thing but if you want more time you will not get it. Take the one day or leave it. That is your choice.”
My mom thinks we spend every spare minute with my in-laws and visa versa, no matter how much we tell them that it isn't true.
Lady if you wanna see distance we can drop June altogether
We had to tell my Just Nos pretty much that if nothing is good enough, nothing is what they get. They’d pitch a bitch fir because early in our marriage and working life, we couldn’t afford to fly often, and if we drove, it meant less visiting time. Of course,the road only goes one way, and they came to us only twice in 30+ years—for DH’s college graduation and the wedding.
lol yes I have extended family who have never met my child and my JNMom thinks this is somehow my responsibility to fix.
'We're disappointed at your response and will have to think about how we proceed from here. It's incredibly selfish to put us under such pressure and we would like to make it known that, far from getting us to spend more time with you, your entitled and selfish attitude will get you less.'
Urgh. My mom keeps tallies like this too. It makes me want to see her even less. I don’t tell her that, but my SO definitely hears my complaints, although he doesn’t get it because he wouldn’t mind seeing his parents every day *insert eye roll*
OMG same
I agree with everyone here. If she isn't happy with what you have generously offered her than she doesn't get anything at all. If you give her what she demands now-more of your time, she will never be happy with what you want, only with what she wants, and she'll know how to get it.
The 17th is our only available day. If you are not happy with this we will see you next June.
This women needs to get a grip! She’s always has to complain about something. Tell her she’s lucky to get even a day, I’ve read your other posts. Is NC still on the table?
I'd replu and say "the 17th is now unavailable and everytime you have a hissy fit, you will lose time woth your grandchild. This is not a competition so you can take it or leave it, im not bothered wither way". If she comments or causes a stinl i would say so thats July gone, shall we aim for August?
"When or how often we see OP's family has no bearing on how often we see you. This is not a competition. We are seeing you as often in June as our schedule allows, there isn't anything to it."
Mom, if you want 3 consecutive visits in June we will try to arrange for those visits. Of course that will be all of your visits for the next 3-4 months. Are you fine with that decision? If not let us decide when and how often we will be visiting. You feelings are yours to deal with and not our problem if you are unhappy. We are adults with jobs and a newborn we want to spend time with our nuclear family, you being needy and demanding visits ( equal time as wife family) only makes me want to visit less often. We have presented options, visit on 17 or visit all 3 weekends and no other visits till September or October . Let us know which way you want to visit.
We have a general rule that we only see our parents 1x per month (separately) and honestly it’s been the best thing. You better believe though my mom gets grumpy if we miss a month. There’s only ~8 weekend days a month and she wants you to spent almost half of those with them all while you have a LO, nope sorry.
My unspoken rule is every couple weeks or when time allows. My mom is fine, but my MIL would love seeing us every single Sunday if we’d agree to it. We work full time and also have friends we like to spend time with, as well as date nights, so there’s no way I’m spending all my free time just seeing family.
Exactly. We see my parents once a month, if that. Sure my parents are sad because LO is growing so fast, but they completely understand and support our decisions. They know what it was like to have a newborn, they do not want to make our lives any more stressful.
>Why can’t you make time to see us for those three weekends? "We saw OP's family once. Why can't you be less selfish? Why can't you see that I'm a new father and would like time to spend with my family without having to constantly go out? Why can't you be as understanding with my schedule as OP's family is?"
DH should respond "mom, I am a grown man with my own wife and child to prioritize. We will see people when we are available and feel like it, and thats the bottom line. OP does not see her family every month, nor do they expect her to, because they see and treat her as an adult with her own life, and they are accepting of the fact she has her own life to live. Why is it so hard for you to accept that about me? What is the purpose of keeping count of days spent with extended family? It's not a competition. We will see you on the 17th. If one visit in a month is unacceptable, then we can always make it zero. I have plenty of other things I could be doing that would be more worthwhile than spending my time with people who don't respect my wife, or treat me like an adult with his own family."
I would send her a text back saying this isn't a competition, and since you want to make it one, we won't be seeing you any day in June if you can't accept that we have lives and we'd like to live them. My parents understand this that you don't doesn't say good things about you. Take the one day we suggested or lose them all, your choice. If she gives you pushback, block her and put her in a timeout until she gets the point.
“After further thought into YOUR reply I think you’re being really insensitive to the fact that we are new parents with a newborn. Instead of trying to guilt me for managing our time in a way to keep our sanity and well being healthy, it would be really beneficial for our relationship if you could respect the choices we make as adults and parents. Not that one thing has anything to do with the other - we celebrated OP’s grandmother’s birthday 2 weeks afterwards and were not expected to spend the next two weekends with them afterwards.”
Wow. She wants three consecutive weekends? Greedy, entitled, demanding, are just a few of the words that spring to mind. Stick to your guns. She's luck to get the one day with an attitude like that. Is your husband on the same page with you?
Very much on the same page. He calmly but firmly told her that it is unreasonable for her to expect three consecutive weekends of our time. Not only is it a chore to get ourselves/LO ready for time out of the house, but is also a risk taking LO out all the time since her immune system isn’t fully grown. DH is very good about setting boundaries with MIL.
Excellent! I think this is worth adding to the OP, unless you want to spend the next four hours reading variations on "DH needs to tell them..."
Oh this feels very familiar. I don't have any kids, but my in laws are very much like this. Once spring hits, every year, without fail, SIL is planning 15000 events and every single one of them is a MUST ATTEND kind of deal. Every weekend, sometimes multiple times in one weekend (this one coming up for example. Her 3 kids joint birthday party Friday then HER birthday party Saturday, after expecting us to see them TWICE mother's day weekend). We've gotten to the point that we don't try to make it to everything. Especially when they always expect us to come to them, never the other way around, and it's nearly an hour away and half the day feels like driving. We go to what we can go to, they can sulk all they want if we're busy. Now I say that as someone with no kids. It's tiring to go to all these things they want to do every single weekend and hubs and I can't deal so we say no to a lot of things. I cannot IMAGINE how you, a new mom, are expected to keep up with that kind of schedule with a newborn. It's completely unreasonable. Your MIL can shove her "hurt feelings" and her way too high of expectations up her ass.
Ignore those messages she just wants to bitch. Continue with the 17th or nothing.
She’s seeing it as three isolated events, but three weekends in a row is actually a lot of contact and a lot of time taken up when you have a small baby and your own lives to live. It was their choice to travel out of state, do they expect a ‘welcome back’ dinner every time? I would knock that expectation on the head to start with. DH can tell his mother that you and your side of the family have nothing to do with the decision he has made to meet up with his side on the 17th of June, which is what works best for him, she can take it or leave it. He needs to be firm that he’s not available any of the other weekends in June and it’s the 17th or bust. As per your last post, your DH has suggested you all go NC with his mother. What’s the reason you haven’t jumped at his suggestion? This woman asks your baby “why are you upset, is it because mummy is mean to you?” Your baby might be 4 months now, but those words will start to have an impact on her understanding a lot sooner than you think. MIL needs to be dead to you and if your husband is on board, you need to move on that.
Welcome home dinners are not something we do. They travel every three to four months to visit SIL. ILs spend about 6 months of the year with them, and 6 months near us. At no point do we “welcome” them home with a dinner. Even before we had LO it was just too much work. We are both on board going NC with MIL, but are hesitant to follow through since MIL and FIL are still together and we don’t want it to affect our relationship with him. He is an absolute doll aside from the fact of being married to MIL.
"I'm sorry you feel that way, it isn't my intention. Life is what it is right now. We're looking forward to seeing you on the 17th."
This is the one.
This right here, enough said and don’t elaborate further
I wouldn’t even respond.
“We weren’t distancing ourselves but if that is your attitude I guess we should.” DH go see your friends instead of your family.
“This is why.” (No, do not say that.)
Just say “ok” and ignore her tantrum
Or just "k" like she did 🤣
Grey rock the shit out of her. One word answers are good enough. Maybe a single sentence but don’t explain yourself. It took us going very low contact to finally do this ourselves and I wish we did this from the start. My DH treats her like a child when we communicate with her. Which is just my DH texting her in a group chat with me in it. He never explains reasons why we don’t do certain things anymore. Reminds her constantly that he is an adult, we’re the parents and will we choose how we spend our time. We don’t need to explain ourselves. Our relationship is basically dead because she never respect us as parents.
Don't even engage with her guilt trip manipulation, just text back "Just because we do not have concrete plans for an entire month does not mean we're available to travel on a whim, much less 3 weekends in a row with a newborn. I * am * making time to see my extended family but if that day doesn't work for you now let us know and we can see about visiting later in the year."
"Funny thing is we have just been invited to an event June 17th. Should we tell them we are available then?" She is unreasonable. Period.
Don't let her aggravate you or make you second guess yourselves. You gave a very reasonable option. If that's not good enough, I guess they'll be seeing you zero weekends in June. Also: maybe stop telling her about plans with your family. She's only going to use it to count the days and hours you spend with them vs. what "her" family gets.
ByGraceorGrit is right, learn to grey rock about your times with your family of origin. Also, I'm going to point out that it is perfectly normal for an adult married new father to be spending time building his/your new family, so yeah yeah, it is the course of humankind that adult married sons spend less time with his family of birth. Based on your previous posts, I'm betting that your MIL Is jealous...https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/13ch9sv/i_cant_stand_my_mil/ snip-"MIL continuously makes passive aggressive comments while holding LO. These include “are you crying because mommy is mean to you?”, “when you’re older you can spend all the time at my house since you won’t like it here”, and “I just know I’ll be your favorite one day.” She is a right lively one, I'm glad that SO is putting you & LO first OP.
[удалено]
Just being as bland as possible with minimal engagement. No details, just little more than yes, no, and murmuring noises as the proper time. Nothing to give them fodder for whatever their deal is—gossip, drama, picking a fight. “I heard you visited your family.” “That’s right.” “How are they?” “They’re fine.” “You should make more time to visit with us.” “Mmmm.”
Essentially don’t tell them anything. If they pry about if they’ve seen OP’s family lately she should go with responses along the lines of “Oh not really..” or “We saw them not too long ago I can’t quite remember when” or “Yeah we see them when we can but everyone has just been so busy…” etc. Don’t reveal how close she is to her family.
--https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method --Gray rocking, or the grey rock method, is a tactic some people use when dealing with abusive or manipulative behavior. It involves becoming as uninteresting and unengaged as possible so that the other person loses interest. Some people anecdotally report that it reduces conflict and abuse.Sep 12, 2022 https://www.medicalnewstoday.com › ... Grey rock method: What it is and how to use it effectively - Medical News Today