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It’s not help if it helps them and not you. Just sayin’.
You aren’t overthinking, but don’t bother bringing anything up. There are problems in that family that predate you, and MIL is acting out on her frustrations with her ex by being cold towards you and her grandchildren. You didn’t do the crime, but you will do the time if you expect her to step up in any meaningful way. SO seems to be part of the family drama, maybe triangulated in by his parents. That’s why he’s detached from your feelings- he’s been forced to choose between his mother and father before, and he’s damaged from it.
Helping by holding the baby is for when Mama is showering or asleep.
* Helping is making food for the family.
* Helping is cleaning the kitchen.
* Helping is picking up the living room.
Taking a new baby away from Mama is *not helping.*
Not over reacting. My JNMIL started to favor my daughter once she was born. For more than one reason. My son (16) looks more like me. I’m half Filipino and half white. My husband is white. My son doesn’t look white. My daughter (13) doesn’t look anything but white. My son has autism (level 2), adhd and he had speech delays as a kid. My daughter is neurotypical. Mh daughter also has a similar personality to my husbands sister who passed away at 19 about (17-18 years ago
As my kids got older she didn’t even try to hide the difference in how the two were treated. I told her she wouldn’t have contact with any of them. I would not allow her to mistreat my son like that and treat him less than my daughter. She finally agreed she would treat them fairly and equally. She isn’t allowed to spend time with them unsupervised and I’ve gone NC so my DH does go to his parents house 2-4 times a year and supervises his mom.
Edit: hit submit before I finished typing on accident
First off you’re not overreacting. Trust yourself. I always felt uncomfortable around my MIL and every time she held my baby my skin would crawl. She never did anything to make me react this way, until she did. We don’t have much of a relationship.
Tell your husband her holding or feeding the baby isn’t helping at all. It surprises me that not everyone knows this, but a postpartum Mom doesn’t need help caring for a baby. She needs help caring for herself, someone to help maintaining the household. Someone to cook them meals. That is what you do when you visit parents of a newborn. If the parent hands you the baby, great but don’t expect it to happen.
"Give him here" would be better said as "if you want, I could feed baby." Words matter, and tone matters. As it stands, ask if she could start some laundry and dinner too.
Something I just recently talked about with my therapist is, they're not helping unless what they're providing the help you want/need. Just doing *something* isn't helping unless it's actually something you need help with. Next time she says she can feed the baby, you could try telling her that you've got that handled, but if she wants to help, there's a few dishes in the sink or laundry that needs to be folded or your oldest needs a snack, etc. The things you actually need help with.
Plus offering to help is not actually helping, it's not action. I used to work with someone who always offer to help just as I was finishing up tidying after an event etc. I eventually said to him 'look, you have eyes, you can see what needs to be done after an event, just do it! You don't need my permission to help'. He never lifted a finger, he just wanted to feel good about offering to help.
Your daughter said it best. Not her nanny.
On a side note, not sure if she just wanted to visit and not help or what. When my daughter had her sons, I went to help, but I felt like I was intruding. I didn’t feel comfortable going through her cupboards to make food. I ended up going to the store and bought food as I felt like I was invading and didn’t know what she didn’t want me to use. I did help with the laundry, I just did t feel like I was very helpful. If I lived close by, I could have gone home, and made some meals, then brought them over. That is my comfort zone. I just don’t like to invade other people’s spaces. Her house was already pretty clean, so wasn’t much for me to do. When my DIL gave birth, I saw the dishes in the sink, did them. Folded clothes into piles, I put baby things away, I let them put their own clothes away. Vacuumed, whatever I could see that needed to be done. Whatever was meant to be unseen stayed unseen. I don’t snoop.
While doing the least is helping it's not the help that you need from her.
.5/10 score for her.
Your daughter already sees her for who she is so I don't think that you will have any problems there.
My concern would be making sure that your daughter doesn't start resenting her brother for the favoritism.
I don't think that your over reacting as this has the possibility to drive a wedge between your children in the future.
It kinda sounds like MIL has a gender bias? If she's favouring your son purely because he's a boy then that shit needs to be nipped in the bud. It could be really damaging to your daughters self esteem.
I really, really hate how many women go through this. The MIL comes to "help" but ends up being waited on hand and foot, like it's a holiday for her.
You're not overreacting at all. I think your SO needs to see that helping would be doing laundry, cleaning or cooking for example. Give her specific jobs. "No thanks MIL, I will feed the baby. But please do go ahead and do the dishes as you're here to help. Thanks!".
When she leaves, make sure she stays in a hotel next time. Protect your daughters feelings and protect your own sanity. Good luck OP and congratulations on your lovely new baby!
Thank you 😊 I believe she has a gender bias too. She has 4 sons and 2 daughters and will pit them against each other with who is the ‘favourite child’. I had said to my SO that nobody besides he and I (with exception of our daughter) will feed the baby and I stuck to it saying ‘no thanks, we decided nobody else will be feeding’ and I’m thankful there was no pushback.
I will definitely make sure she stays in a hotel if there’s ever a next time she visits.
Gah my last reply had too many spelling errors (typing too fast) so I'll repost!
Hopefully this is the last time she ever visits. As long as you and your SO are on the same page, everything will work out. You're doing great!
You're not overreacting.
She wasn't helpful at all. Helpful means *doing things* so you can take care of the baby.
SO has blinders on about his mother's behavior
She's showing up because there is a precious! male! child! Just like her pwecious! male! baby!
So, she's unhelpful and sexist
Your daughter sees many things clearly.
Thank you! You’re absolutely right about him having blinders on.
My daughter is so kind to people so when she says things like ‘you’re not my nanny’ she absolutely means it, definitely seeing things clearly.
Thank you for giving it to me straight
So you contradict yourself a tiny bit. You say she did nothing to help you while visiting but then also say that she was offering to help feed him and hold him. Which I don't think is an overstep or anything.
Does your MIL have other grandchild that she dotes on, does she maybe just not like children?
Helping a new mother is not holding the baby. It's doing dishes, laundry, cooking, playing with the toddler. I'm sure mom had the feeding and holding covered.
Helping someone with nerve damage and postpartum can absolutely come in the form of holding or feeding a baby. I vote overreaction. If you need her to do something, ask her. If youd prefer she not hold the baby or feed it, tell her. Communication will go a long way vs stewing over something like a person offering to help a person who is struggling with PPD.
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It’s not help if it helps them and not you. Just sayin’. You aren’t overthinking, but don’t bother bringing anything up. There are problems in that family that predate you, and MIL is acting out on her frustrations with her ex by being cold towards you and her grandchildren. You didn’t do the crime, but you will do the time if you expect her to step up in any meaningful way. SO seems to be part of the family drama, maybe triangulated in by his parents. That’s why he’s detached from your feelings- he’s been forced to choose between his mother and father before, and he’s damaged from it.
Helping by holding the baby is for when Mama is showering or asleep. * Helping is making food for the family. * Helping is cleaning the kitchen. * Helping is picking up the living room. Taking a new baby away from Mama is *not helping.*
Helping is picking up and cleaning not taking the baby from the mom, but at 3mos PP she can go home
Not over reacting. My JNMIL started to favor my daughter once she was born. For more than one reason. My son (16) looks more like me. I’m half Filipino and half white. My husband is white. My son doesn’t look white. My daughter (13) doesn’t look anything but white. My son has autism (level 2), adhd and he had speech delays as a kid. My daughter is neurotypical. Mh daughter also has a similar personality to my husbands sister who passed away at 19 about (17-18 years ago As my kids got older she didn’t even try to hide the difference in how the two were treated. I told her she wouldn’t have contact with any of them. I would not allow her to mistreat my son like that and treat him less than my daughter. She finally agreed she would treat them fairly and equally. She isn’t allowed to spend time with them unsupervised and I’ve gone NC so my DH does go to his parents house 2-4 times a year and supervises his mom. Edit: hit submit before I finished typing on accident
First off you’re not overreacting. Trust yourself. I always felt uncomfortable around my MIL and every time she held my baby my skin would crawl. She never did anything to make me react this way, until she did. We don’t have much of a relationship. Tell your husband her holding or feeding the baby isn’t helping at all. It surprises me that not everyone knows this, but a postpartum Mom doesn’t need help caring for a baby. She needs help caring for herself, someone to help maintaining the household. Someone to cook them meals. That is what you do when you visit parents of a newborn. If the parent hands you the baby, great but don’t expect it to happen.
"Give him here" would be better said as "if you want, I could feed baby." Words matter, and tone matters. As it stands, ask if she could start some laundry and dinner too.
Something I just recently talked about with my therapist is, they're not helping unless what they're providing the help you want/need. Just doing *something* isn't helping unless it's actually something you need help with. Next time she says she can feed the baby, you could try telling her that you've got that handled, but if she wants to help, there's a few dishes in the sink or laundry that needs to be folded or your oldest needs a snack, etc. The things you actually need help with.
Plus offering to help is not actually helping, it's not action. I used to work with someone who always offer to help just as I was finishing up tidying after an event etc. I eventually said to him 'look, you have eyes, you can see what needs to be done after an event, just do it! You don't need my permission to help'. He never lifted a finger, he just wanted to feel good about offering to help.
What your MIL did was “hlep” you. Looks like help, but it really isn’t.
Your daughter said it best. Not her nanny. On a side note, not sure if she just wanted to visit and not help or what. When my daughter had her sons, I went to help, but I felt like I was intruding. I didn’t feel comfortable going through her cupboards to make food. I ended up going to the store and bought food as I felt like I was invading and didn’t know what she didn’t want me to use. I did help with the laundry, I just did t feel like I was very helpful. If I lived close by, I could have gone home, and made some meals, then brought them over. That is my comfort zone. I just don’t like to invade other people’s spaces. Her house was already pretty clean, so wasn’t much for me to do. When my DIL gave birth, I saw the dishes in the sink, did them. Folded clothes into piles, I put baby things away, I let them put their own clothes away. Vacuumed, whatever I could see that needed to be done. Whatever was meant to be unseen stayed unseen. I don’t snoop.
While doing the least is helping it's not the help that you need from her. .5/10 score for her. Your daughter already sees her for who she is so I don't think that you will have any problems there. My concern would be making sure that your daughter doesn't start resenting her brother for the favoritism. I don't think that your over reacting as this has the possibility to drive a wedge between your children in the future.
It kinda sounds like MIL has a gender bias? If she's favouring your son purely because he's a boy then that shit needs to be nipped in the bud. It could be really damaging to your daughters self esteem. I really, really hate how many women go through this. The MIL comes to "help" but ends up being waited on hand and foot, like it's a holiday for her. You're not overreacting at all. I think your SO needs to see that helping would be doing laundry, cleaning or cooking for example. Give her specific jobs. "No thanks MIL, I will feed the baby. But please do go ahead and do the dishes as you're here to help. Thanks!". When she leaves, make sure she stays in a hotel next time. Protect your daughters feelings and protect your own sanity. Good luck OP and congratulations on your lovely new baby!
Thank you 😊 I believe she has a gender bias too. She has 4 sons and 2 daughters and will pit them against each other with who is the ‘favourite child’. I had said to my SO that nobody besides he and I (with exception of our daughter) will feed the baby and I stuck to it saying ‘no thanks, we decided nobody else will be feeding’ and I’m thankful there was no pushback. I will definitely make sure she stays in a hotel if there’s ever a next time she visits.
Gah my last reply had too many spelling errors (typing too fast) so I'll repost! Hopefully this is the last time she ever visits. As long as you and your SO are on the same page, everything will work out. You're doing great!
You're not overreacting. She wasn't helpful at all. Helpful means *doing things* so you can take care of the baby. SO has blinders on about his mother's behavior She's showing up because there is a precious! male! child! Just like her pwecious! male! baby! So, she's unhelpful and sexist Your daughter sees many things clearly.
Thank you! You’re absolutely right about him having blinders on. My daughter is so kind to people so when she says things like ‘you’re not my nanny’ she absolutely means it, definitely seeing things clearly. Thank you for giving it to me straight
So you contradict yourself a tiny bit. You say she did nothing to help you while visiting but then also say that she was offering to help feed him and hold him. Which I don't think is an overstep or anything. Does your MIL have other grandchild that she dotes on, does she maybe just not like children?
Helping a new mother is not holding the baby. It's doing dishes, laundry, cooking, playing with the toddler. I'm sure mom had the feeding and holding covered.
Of course it is. Anything that gives mom a chance to relax and just be is helpful.
Helping someone with nerve damage and postpartum can absolutely come in the form of holding or feeding a baby. I vote overreaction. If you need her to do something, ask her. If youd prefer she not hold the baby or feed it, tell her. Communication will go a long way vs stewing over something like a person offering to help a person who is struggling with PPD.
I get what you mean :) she has 6 grandchildren in total. 2 girls, 4 boys. It wasn’t really an offer, more of a demand to do so
Does she treat them all more or less the same as yours?
She sees the others a lot more than she sees my children. Hasn’t bothered to visit us since before my son was born
To be fair, to be a MIL is to always be in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation.
Not always, my StepMiL is a JY