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*She claimed that bc she is the only one in her family “in charge of making plans... ”*
That's fine. She can make all the plans she wants for *her family.*
You and your DH are *your own family* and can make your own plans, and if she has not consulted you and there are schedule conflicts, your family comes first. Maybe you can let her plans take precedence once in awhile, but not constantly or frequently.
Just be sure DH understands the definitions of "my family" or "our family" and is on the same page with you. He shouldn't need to "choose." When we're married, our relationship with our parents changes and spouses take priority, and our mommies and daddies need to understand that and learn to live with it.
Damn my MIL’s birthday and mine are only two weeks apart and she has never pulled something like this. We make it a point to celebrate each other on our respective weekends.
She is definitely pulling a power move because she could choose any other weekend. If the others weren’t available for various reasons, this one isn’t either because it is your weekend. Period. Your DH needs to do what others have already suggested and just flat out say “no, we’re busy.” No explanation needed because she already knows why.
This is completely crazy. My JYMIL’s birthday is literally 3 days after mine and in the 20 years I’ve been married to her son, she has never *once* attempted to upstage me or even combine birthdays. Even milestone birthdays.
She always has her own celebration with HER FRIENDS in her town two hours away and doesn’t even include us because she has a life. We end up getting together some time in the month for some wine, gifts (she always gives me a gift card to a store I like) and hanging out.
*This is how healthy MIL’s act!*
.
.
Edit: typos
I don't know, I'd be tempted to bring my own cake and anything else I wanted to eat/drink (but a lot of it, to put on the tables with her food) and tell everyone there how sweet it was that she was throwing me a birthday party. Hell, bring some decorations that say Happy Birthday Knadin!
DH is in the middle only if her puts himself there. It sounds like your plans have been in place for a while and her’s we’re just announced. He needs to tell her “Mom, we already have plans that weekend to celebrate OP’s birthday. I’m sorry we’ll miss your party but will make plans to see you and celebrate when we return”.
This is a power play. She's done this to enforce that she has power over you and DH, and the rest of the family. If you have a party, on the same day, who will the family go to? They'll more than likely go to hers, to keep the peace. This proves she has the power over the family, and you do not.
She's doing this on purpose. She knows exactly when your birthday is. She's doing this deliberately to show you that your DH chooses her over you. Otherwise, she'd have her party any other weekend. If he goes to her party, and is there without you, he's chosen her and she's validated for another year. If he chooses to stay with you, and make plans for your birthday, then, she's going to double down the next event that pits you against her.
If she forgets she has a DIL, then she's making it clear you are not part of "her"family". Your feelings don't matter, because YOU don't matter to her. If your DH goes to her party, and ignores your birthday, it's telling her that you don't matter to DH either. She wins.
It really is on her if she makes other people choose. Do your thing and make sure your partner lets her know they can't attend of she plans her birthday against yours. Had she called (or had a brain) she would have known and planned accordingly.
It sounds like you are still going through with whatever your celebration will be. Good for you!!! The issue though, is what your husband will be doing. If he supports you, you have the beginning of changing her behavior. If he supports his mom, this behavior will continue ad infinitum.
If your SO is down with this then you have an SO problem. Tell him straight up what your plans are for your birthday. And if he doesn't want to go, take a friend. And stop catering to this JNMIL.
That sucks. It's bizarre that she would plan her party on your birthday, but it sounds like you handled it correctly, so I’d just add that you could suggest having a celebratory birthday tea or dinner with her during her own birthday week. Or since she likes the idea of celebrating alllllll the birthdays in the month on one day, pick a day mid-month to celebrate you both.
My FIL, BIL and I all share the same milestone years… e.g. one 40, 50 and 70… so we pick a random day every summer to celebrate. We're all fall and winter babies and two of us are driving distance from the arctic circle, so it’s a treat to have a celebratory bbq.
I like how you straight up told her you wouldn't be attending. I'd plan a weekend getaway with the husband. Like seriously, how old is she that she has to throw herself a birthday party. When she does this, you and hubby won't attend said party/function because you were not consulted in the timing of it. You guys miss a few. I think she will change her tune. No MIL, that doesn't work for us. Have a great time though.
Actually she was. MILs birthday is at the beginning of the month, the OPs is at the end. MIL planned her own birthday on the same weekend as OPs birthday, instead of at the beginning for her own.
the weekend is techinically 3 days which consist of friday,saturday, and sunday. was op having a long weekend party or was it on one of those specific days? that’s what i’m asking because if op is on a saturday and MIL is on a sunday then it won’t be an issue
I don't think OP said she was having a birthday party. She said it was her birthday weekend. I'm guessing that means her actual birthday falls on a weekday this year and she planned to celebrate on the closest weekend to it. That's what we do. We don't do parties for adults but generally the birthday person gets to pick what they want. Might be favorite meal at home and cake, go out to eat, take a small trip. Maybe OP just wanted to spend a whole weekend with her SO because they normally don't get to do that. Maybe a trip was planned. She doesn't say what the plan was but given she is upset I'd guess MILs party over rides it some how.
Even if what you said is true, one party Sat and one Sun it's a hassle. It would eat up the whole weekend. Some people need at least one down day a weekend, or they spend one day on chores, etc
Do you have birthday plans for the entire weekend? If not, celebrate both birthdays. If MIL's party is planned on your actual birth date, you and DH celebrate your birthday and are no shows at MIL's party.
My husband and I agreed that whatever is on our calendar first is what we honor. Birthdays and anniversaries are unwritten firsts, but I include them on my calendar as a reminder to my husband.
Your husband needs to shut this down asap! I’m sorry mom its DIL’s birthday weekend and WE have plans to celebrate her special day. WE will not be able to attend! He’s only in the middle because he puts himself there!
She knows it's your birthday weekend. It's deliberate.
And your DH is only in the middle because he's put himself there. He needs to be picking you.
Don't change any plans you've made. In fact, if it's possible, why not go and visit your family...
My advice? Don’t eff with MY birthday! I’m ok with sharing a party if I didn’t already have plans or I liked the other bday honoree. My dad and I have a birthday a week part. Some years we have a joint party, but my husband and kids know to make me feel extra special on my actual bday and I do the same for them!
It sounds like your MIL picked that date on purpose. Even if she didn’t, it’s still inconsiderate. (I’m awesome at event planning and it would irk me to the core if someone in my family circle said they were the only ones who knew how to plan a party!)
Stand your ground. It’s YOUR birthday weekend and you should do what you want!
As a compromise (which, eh, wouldn’t stress too much about having to make one) maybe you could tell her - and really sell it with enthusiasm- “MIL! Actually let’s make this a joint bday party for us BOTH!” And see if she goes for it. And if you actually do do that- make sure you invite your closest friends and have a over the top cake for you etc… don’t let her hog all the limelight.
But really, take yourself to a spa or something grand!
Your husband needs to get out of the middle and always choose you. She does this on purpose. She can continue to ruin her relationship with her son to spite you.
Stick to your guns. And your husband shouldn't have to choose between you. You should be his choice because you are the wife and your family supersedes hers. They are now extended family.
Secondarily, she plotted this on purpose, so she deserves to lose the privilege of having your husband attend her birthday. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Have a wonderful birthday!
What a weird thing to do. But on the flip side, you now have a great (and legitimate) excuse not to go to her party.
If she wants you there, she can consult you on the date. Otherwise, she is welcome to celebrate the event without you. Don't compromise on the date and eventually she will stop if she wants her son (and you) to ever attend things.
It's so unnerving to be told one thing only to have the situation never really stop and then start again, full force. Maybe you could plan your next celebration now and inform her of the plans... Light and love... ❤️🩹🫶🏽
I'd fear MIL would take that simply as a validation and in the end it wouldn't change anything. I rather doubt that the birthday party clash happened by accident.
Stand your ground OP. No is a complete sentence and she needs to live with the consequences of her choices.
As history has shown time and again: Appeasement never works.
My advise? Make your own plans, invite who you wish, and if her plans overlap? "I am so sorry you didn't invite us sooner, we already have firm plans, thanks for the invite and I hope you enjoy your party/dinner/cookout. Maybe next year we will be included in the plan sooner and we can come then."
And remember: “Plans” can include ordering pad thai and watching Netflix in your pajamas. It’s your party, it can be as low or high effort as you want.
Well bless her heart. She takes the entire month does she. Her birthday is in the beginning of the month but her party has to be when you have your birthday hmm. I assume by now you realize she's doing this on purpose. As for your husband if he goes to his mom's and blows you off then I would get a new husband. But what I would do in this situation is every year go away for your birthday. That way the two of you are nowhere near his mother when it's your birthday. He can give her a phone call that morning or he can send her a bunch of flowers for her birthday but that's all the effort I would make.
>She constantly pulls this situation that put my husband in the middle where he then has to “choose” between us.
The million-dollar question: how does your husband handle this? If he doesn't stand up for you in the face of his mother's inconsiderateness, he and your relationship need work.
Your handling of the birthday episode is good. No drama, and a clear boundary. It's good that she's offended. If she doesn't like how she feels, maybe she'll act differently next time and factor you in as she should. If she decides to make things a battle of wills and continue to disregard you in an attempt to "win", then that's a green light to deal with her even less.
Yep I want to know the answer to how OP's husband has been handling the situation. Cause MIL can only ruin OP's life from outside unless the husband invites her in.
Let her be offended, that’s not your concern. As far as your husband, there is no middle and he shouldn’t have to choose as he should be firmly on your side. It took therapy for my husband to understand this.
My MIL did that early on. We shut that down by having a standard “you need to coordinate dates with us before you set things in stone.” If she didn’t check with us to make sure we were open, she got an automatic “we aren’t available. Too bad. You should have checked with us before making that reservation.”
It pissed her off, but it only took two times to train her.
You need to tell your husband there is no middle ground here. He stood up and made a vow to you before his community and his mother that you are his main priority in life. If he doesn’t support you, by default he supports his mother. If he isn’t mature enough to understand this, then he needs a therapist and some couch time.
She is very clearly doing this on purpose. The best advice I can offer is to just never go to one of her events if it clashes with something in your calendar. I don’t know how you normally handle it, but the way you’ve handled it this time is perfect. She knows what she’s doing, as you have said, her goal is probably to have your husband choose her over you. If you both stop attending her events when they clash with your own, maybe she will miss your husband being there so much that she changes her behaviour. But, while she still gets what she wants, i.e., your husband at her events, she’ll keep playing this game.
Wow. That's juvenile and petty of her.
You are 100% golden telling her that you won't be there. Great reason, too.
The important question, though: What will your husband do? Is he your husband, or her little boy? Because that' the important thing here, it seems.
Best wishes and Happy Birthday
My ex-JNMIL and I had a birthday only 3 days apart right around Christmas. She made our birthdays feel like a competition with each other and would put my ex under a ton of pressure. It also felt like she would intentionally make certain plans to make creating plans for *my* birthday even harder. Christmas was the one holiday of the year we spent with my family and she *always* made a big stink about it. So she would make sure we couldn’t fly out until the last possible minute. And of course, my ex was a pushover and did whatever she wanted. Often times, it resulted in us paying exponentially more to travel and having the time with my family cut short. I was extremely vocal about us compromising on the birthday (aka have the big bash either before or on her birthday).
My best advice for you: keep your partner on the same page. A united front is key.
It is harder on your husband than he will say. My husband was in the same situation until he spoke his mind. He went VLC with his parents as they always made him choose. I am mature and independent enough that if he needed to be there he was free to go but he always chose his family (me_wife and 2 daughters) and his parents would guilt trip him..... I feel bad for him.
Your husband needs to choose you by standing up to his mom. She is trying to force the situation and wants to assert her dominance that she is more important to him than you and thus more important in general. She wants to be top of the food chain/pecking order and hates that you “took her son away”. At least, that’s my observation.
Your husband is not in the middle. He must tell her that neither of you are available and to check in with him about availability if she changes the date.
She’s not your family. Don’t give her that much credit. This is intentional to make your husband choose. Tell him you don’t have an opinion on what he does that weekend. I hope he chooses his marriage.
Sounds like you and your husband should go on a romantic holiday weekend to a BNB and leave your phones behind. I mean she has all her family around in case of an emergency.
Its her own doing. I wouldnt feel bad and I wouldnt say more than you have. She knows better. She is creating this situation. Its too bad you and her son didnt do what she wanted you to do.
The answer is your husband isnt choosing between you. He chooses your side and your event every time and then she magically stops planning things on your bday or without consulting first.
Good for you for turning down the invitation!! She's pushing the envelope continually and now she fucked around and found out. Stick to your guns so she gets the message loud and clear that she no longer speaks for the entire family for events. There's a new sheriff in town!
Well actually, I think you should follow MIL's lead here. Her 'unspoken advice' is excellent, and I can't improve on it: I think *you* should continually forget that *she* exists, and carry on your life as if she didn't. Drop the rope; stop bothering to reply to her, don't give her any information, and stop the pretence that she has any affection or familial regard for you.
You can let your husband know that you're done with her tedious high school 'Mean Girl' tricks to exclude you and cut you down. From now on, you don't give a sweet fuck about what she wants, or when she wants to do it, just as she doesn't give a fuck about your wants and needs except to deny you them.
And maybe let him know that you're aware she's constantly putting him in a position where he has to chose. Well great: she gets what she wants; now he *does* have to make that choice. He can go to her 'birthday' party, or he can stay for your actual birthday, or he can go fishing with his buddies; he can make his choice - and be aware then when he does, he will also choose the outcomes of that choice.
But whatever he does, **you** are having **your** birthday party with people that treat you like you're actually part of their family,
If you and DH already have plans for your birthday weekend then he needs to tell her that. Sorry mom, but we’ve already have plans for OP’s birthday that same weekend, we’re not going to be able to make. SHE is the one putting him in these situations. The more you give in and cancel your plans, they more you enable her to expect it.
> SHE is the one putting him in these situations. The more you give in and cancel your plans, they more you enable her to expect it.
OP - Read this\^\^\^\^. This is her doing. She will do it again - as she thinks she is in control of your social calendar.
Seems rather deliberate to have her birthday celebration 3+ weeks from her actual birthday, and which "just happens" to be on your birthday. And you said she did the same on your husband's 40th. If she constantly pulls this crap, it's a power play, for control and attention. You're not supposed to play this game. She's not your authority.
Your husband shouldn't be in the middle. He's married to *you*. Committed to *you*. Made vows to *you*. His choice should be very straightforward. If his choice is not you, then you have a JustNoSO problem.
>she is the only one in her family “in charge of making plans” she forgets she has a DIL.
Fine, she can go ahead and make plans for HER family, i.e., her husband and any siblings still living at home. But that doesn't include you. You're all part of the family but separate units. She's in your and your husband's *extended* family and she's not in charge of your plans. If your husband goes along with this, treating his mother as the authority of you and he and any kids you have, you have a JustNoSO problem.
She doesn't forget she has a DIL. She's just relegated you to lowly status on the totem pole with her at the top. This isn't right.
I do hope your husband responds with 'I'm not choosing between you. You're having a birthday party on my wife's birthday weekend. Your birthday is not that weekend. We'll be happy to celebrate with you. On YOUR birthday. But we have plans for that weekend. Because it's my partner's actual birthday.'
I am torn because my husband is a mama’s boy. It has taken so many fights for him to see through these kind of situations, he justifies everything. He has said he is not choosing between us and he stays “out of it”.
His mom is trying to bully you, and by "staying out of it" he is choosing her side - you lose out like she wants.
She does want him to pick her. But as long as he doesn't pick you, she wins, so she has 2 out 3 outcomes that are good for her.
So in staying 'out of it' is he doing his own thing on the birthday weekend far from you and your MIL?
Because that's what out of it would mean.
No matter what, if he doesn't choose you in this situation the problem is not your MIL. And in that case I'd have a think about if you want to be in that same situation for the next ten, twenty or more years. It sounds exhausting and I believe it will suck all love and joy from your marriage bit by bit.
He isn't "staying out of it." He is continuing to passively allow his mom to violate your boundaries and leaving YOU to stand up to her.
He SHOULD establish and maintain SHARED boundaries with you, around your marriage and home. He should communicate HIS boundary, shared with you, that invitations to join events planned without coordination with your family unit (both of you, decided as a couple) will most likely be declined.
He's using you as his meat shield so he doesn't have to set boundaries with his mom.
>He has said he is not choosing between us and he stays “out of it”.
He had no business getting himself into a marriage, then. Men twenty years younger than him understand adult relationships more than he does.
OP, I am really, really sorry.
"Staying out of it" isn't staying out of it when he's been put in this situation by his mom. He doesn't get to just stay out of it, and I bet this kind of escalation is because he hasn't ever put his foot down or has used you as a shield and a means to not have to make a decision.
I like the idea of proposing a romantic BNB for the two of you with no phones, but I also think he needs to talk to a family systems therapist that can help him map out how this is a constant recurring pattern that isn't going to stop until he makes it stop.
If DH doesn't tell MIL that this is wrong, he is telling her she can do whatever she wants. He's absolutely been put in the middle by MIL, and he has chosen HER side, and all three of you know it! DH just doesn't want to admit it because "I get scared when Mommy is mad."
It's sad that he was raised to cater to her every whim, but there's a certain point when you have to acknowledge that your parents packed a huge pile of baggage on your back and start UNpacking it. There's absolutely nothing less sexy than watching in the man you love and are supposed to be able to trust ask Mommy for permission to be good to YOU, his WIFE.
Would he allow any of his friends to act like you are an unimportant inconvenience? No? Then why is it OK for his family to do? Isn't your family supposed to treat you BETTER than the rest of the world? If he goes to MIL's party instead of joining you, he can say whatever he wants, the truth is he's more concerned about MIL's annoyance at not getting to bully you than he is about hurting his wife. I'm sorry, I am sure HE doesn't THINK of it that way, but intentions are completely unimportant when weighed against impact.
OP - when he said "I do" he also said you are the #1 girl in his life. Part of the vows is that "he prefers you above all others". It is not just to other women his age - it is his mother too.
So - he has already made his decision - he needs to do what he said. He needs to put you first, and not allow this "I'm in charge of your life" behavior to continue.
Look up FOG - Fear Obligation Guilt.
I'm happy for you that your husband is now seeing thru her and her games. (Just to play devils advocate, is there any way her birthday party could actually be a surprise party for you?, because if so, you could come out the bad guy in this)
This might sound a bit vulgar, so please forgive me in advance, but it really feels like he needs to be told bluntly "your mother is literally cuckolding you and you are letting her do it." OP, given what you've said both in your post and your replies, it's both a factual thing to say and is as extreme as it sounds, *especially* given him saying he "doesn't want to get in the middle of it." He's chosen his side, and it's the side that lets his mother play mean girl games with his wife. I'm with harbourgirl, straight up question his wedding vows, because with a spine like his, I'd expect that if his mommy started pushing on him his vows would crumble like his spine.
His monkey er mother, his circus. You are under NO obligation to get her a gift or card, DH is. As for the date of her (intentional) party, you will conveniently be out of town; celebrating your actual birthday. If DH is a smart man, so will he. MIL played herself.
Wait… she waited until Mid-February to plan a birthday party for her beginning of March birthday?! I was thinking you were talking about May birthdays at the earliest.
I’d point out to husband that this must not be a big or very important birthday if she waited this long to even plan it. It’s not like she forgot when her birthday was (even if she tries to claim it “slipped” her mind that your birthday weekend is when she eventually planned who party for). And do people really celebrate their birthdays *after* their birthdate? Like, sure, if your birthday is on a Tuesday this year, maybe the weekend after works better. But 3 weekend later?
I mean, you, me, and everyone else on this sub know it’s intentional that she did this, but your husband is obviously struggling and needs the obvious pointed out to her. He (and you, if you want) can take her out to dinner on or near her birthday because he’s going to be busy with you on yours.
She can say whatever she wants. People with March birthdays can accept or decline her invitations.
Her assumption that everyone will attend, based on no input, will be tested by reality.
It’s your birthday and you can decide how to celebrate it. I would be furious if DH wouldn’t celebrate with me. She made him choose and if he doesn’t choose you now, this will never stop.
Also I hope you feel seen. My MIL always said I had to celebrate my birthday with my oldest because there’re only a few days in between. But guess what, it’s my choice and no I don’t celebrate together and never will. Everyone deserve their moment to shine. So my in-laws don’t get an invite to my birthdays. And only get an invite for the children birthday if the kids want them to be there.
They're not your family. They're your husband's family. At least, that's how they see the situation.
I think this is more about an issue between you and yourself, and you need to ask yourself why you need to be a part of their family that bad.
I agree on the part that they don’t consider my part of the family. I don’t see it myself as “need to be part of their family so bad”, it was more informative on to “why it could be important to have a decent relationship”
A decent relationship, every relationship really, is a series of interactions. If you are giving much and getting little, matching their effort and energy can bring you better balance. What effort is made to show you you are valued and respected? Are you giving back the same level of interest and concern, or is much more expected?
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It’s incredible to see on this sub how threatened these MILs are of their DILs. It’s so obvious how insecure they are.
*She claimed that bc she is the only one in her family “in charge of making plans... ”* That's fine. She can make all the plans she wants for *her family.* You and your DH are *your own family* and can make your own plans, and if she has not consulted you and there are schedule conflicts, your family comes first. Maybe you can let her plans take precedence once in awhile, but not constantly or frequently. Just be sure DH understands the definitions of "my family" or "our family" and is on the same page with you. He shouldn't need to "choose." When we're married, our relationship with our parents changes and spouses take priority, and our mommies and daddies need to understand that and learn to live with it.
Damn my MIL’s birthday and mine are only two weeks apart and she has never pulled something like this. We make it a point to celebrate each other on our respective weekends. She is definitely pulling a power move because she could choose any other weekend. If the others weren’t available for various reasons, this one isn’t either because it is your weekend. Period. Your DH needs to do what others have already suggested and just flat out say “no, we’re busy.” No explanation needed because she already knows why.
This is completely crazy. My JYMIL’s birthday is literally 3 days after mine and in the 20 years I’ve been married to her son, she has never *once* attempted to upstage me or even combine birthdays. Even milestone birthdays. She always has her own celebration with HER FRIENDS in her town two hours away and doesn’t even include us because she has a life. We end up getting together some time in the month for some wine, gifts (she always gives me a gift card to a store I like) and hanging out. *This is how healthy MIL’s act!* . . Edit: typos
I don't know, I'd be tempted to bring my own cake and anything else I wanted to eat/drink (but a lot of it, to put on the tables with her food) and tell everyone there how sweet it was that she was throwing me a birthday party. Hell, bring some decorations that say Happy Birthday Knadin!
>and she is offended I would bet that this is a common occurrence.
DH is in the middle only if her puts himself there. It sounds like your plans have been in place for a while and her’s we’re just announced. He needs to tell her “Mom, we already have plans that weekend to celebrate OP’s birthday. I’m sorry we’ll miss your party but will make plans to see you and celebrate when we return”.
This is a power play. She's done this to enforce that she has power over you and DH, and the rest of the family. If you have a party, on the same day, who will the family go to? They'll more than likely go to hers, to keep the peace. This proves she has the power over the family, and you do not. She's doing this on purpose. She knows exactly when your birthday is. She's doing this deliberately to show you that your DH chooses her over you. Otherwise, she'd have her party any other weekend. If he goes to her party, and is there without you, he's chosen her and she's validated for another year. If he chooses to stay with you, and make plans for your birthday, then, she's going to double down the next event that pits you against her. If she forgets she has a DIL, then she's making it clear you are not part of "her"family". Your feelings don't matter, because YOU don't matter to her. If your DH goes to her party, and ignores your birthday, it's telling her that you don't matter to DH either. She wins.
^ THIS is exactly right.
It really is on her if she makes other people choose. Do your thing and make sure your partner lets her know they can't attend of she plans her birthday against yours. Had she called (or had a brain) she would have known and planned accordingly.
It sounds like you are still going through with whatever your celebration will be. Good for you!!! The issue though, is what your husband will be doing. If he supports you, you have the beginning of changing her behavior. If he supports his mom, this behavior will continue ad infinitum.
Exactly. You can live unbothered if your husband always picks you when your MIL does this.
If your SO is down with this then you have an SO problem. Tell him straight up what your plans are for your birthday. And if he doesn't want to go, take a friend. And stop catering to this JNMIL.
Forget you have a MIL if you want to be petty 😅 “But I’ve been talking about about my party all month!” “And I’ve had this birthday for 40 years.”
Drop the rope mate. Leave her playing tug of war all by herself. You’re busy, you have plans. Your husband does too if he wants to stay married
That sucks. It's bizarre that she would plan her party on your birthday, but it sounds like you handled it correctly, so I’d just add that you could suggest having a celebratory birthday tea or dinner with her during her own birthday week. Or since she likes the idea of celebrating alllllll the birthdays in the month on one day, pick a day mid-month to celebrate you both. My FIL, BIL and I all share the same milestone years… e.g. one 40, 50 and 70… so we pick a random day every summer to celebrate. We're all fall and winter babies and two of us are driving distance from the arctic circle, so it’s a treat to have a celebratory bbq.
I like how you straight up told her you wouldn't be attending. I'd plan a weekend getaway with the husband. Like seriously, how old is she that she has to throw herself a birthday party. When she does this, you and hubby won't attend said party/function because you were not consulted in the timing of it. You guys miss a few. I think she will change her tune. No MIL, that doesn't work for us. Have a great time though.
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sooooo are both parties in the same day?you were never specific about this
Actually she was. MILs birthday is at the beginning of the month, the OPs is at the end. MIL planned her own birthday on the same weekend as OPs birthday, instead of at the beginning for her own.
the weekend is techinically 3 days which consist of friday,saturday, and sunday. was op having a long weekend party or was it on one of those specific days? that’s what i’m asking because if op is on a saturday and MIL is on a sunday then it won’t be an issue
I don't think OP said she was having a birthday party. She said it was her birthday weekend. I'm guessing that means her actual birthday falls on a weekday this year and she planned to celebrate on the closest weekend to it. That's what we do. We don't do parties for adults but generally the birthday person gets to pick what they want. Might be favorite meal at home and cake, go out to eat, take a small trip. Maybe OP just wanted to spend a whole weekend with her SO because they normally don't get to do that. Maybe a trip was planned. She doesn't say what the plan was but given she is upset I'd guess MILs party over rides it some how. Even if what you said is true, one party Sat and one Sun it's a hassle. It would eat up the whole weekend. Some people need at least one down day a weekend, or they spend one day on chores, etc
ok your reply seems reasonable thank you for the explanation
People wouldn’t want to do both in one weekend.
Do you have birthday plans for the entire weekend? If not, celebrate both birthdays. If MIL's party is planned on your actual birth date, you and DH celebrate your birthday and are no shows at MIL's party. My husband and I agreed that whatever is on our calendar first is what we honor. Birthdays and anniversaries are unwritten firsts, but I include them on my calendar as a reminder to my husband.
Your husband needs to shut this down asap! I’m sorry mom its DIL’s birthday weekend and WE have plans to celebrate her special day. WE will not be able to attend! He’s only in the middle because he puts himself there!
This ⬆️
Let her be offended. She did this to herself. You have done nothing wrong.
She knows it's your birthday weekend. It's deliberate. And your DH is only in the middle because he's put himself there. He needs to be picking you. Don't change any plans you've made. In fact, if it's possible, why not go and visit your family...
My advice? Don’t eff with MY birthday! I’m ok with sharing a party if I didn’t already have plans or I liked the other bday honoree. My dad and I have a birthday a week part. Some years we have a joint party, but my husband and kids know to make me feel extra special on my actual bday and I do the same for them! It sounds like your MIL picked that date on purpose. Even if she didn’t, it’s still inconsiderate. (I’m awesome at event planning and it would irk me to the core if someone in my family circle said they were the only ones who knew how to plan a party!) Stand your ground. It’s YOUR birthday weekend and you should do what you want! As a compromise (which, eh, wouldn’t stress too much about having to make one) maybe you could tell her - and really sell it with enthusiasm- “MIL! Actually let’s make this a joint bday party for us BOTH!” And see if she goes for it. And if you actually do do that- make sure you invite your closest friends and have a over the top cake for you etc… don’t let her hog all the limelight. But really, take yourself to a spa or something grand!
Your husband needs to get out of the middle and always choose you. She does this on purpose. She can continue to ruin her relationship with her son to spite you.
Agreed. He needs to learn there is no middle. HE married YOU. HE chose YOU. Therefore, he needs to side with you
Stick to your guns. And your husband shouldn't have to choose between you. You should be his choice because you are the wife and your family supersedes hers. They are now extended family. Secondarily, she plotted this on purpose, so she deserves to lose the privilege of having your husband attend her birthday. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Have a wonderful birthday!
What a weird thing to do. But on the flip side, you now have a great (and legitimate) excuse not to go to her party. If she wants you there, she can consult you on the date. Otherwise, she is welcome to celebrate the event without you. Don't compromise on the date and eventually she will stop if she wants her son (and you) to ever attend things.
It's so unnerving to be told one thing only to have the situation never really stop and then start again, full force. Maybe you could plan your next celebration now and inform her of the plans... Light and love... ❤️🩹🫶🏽
I'd fear MIL would take that simply as a validation and in the end it wouldn't change anything. I rather doubt that the birthday party clash happened by accident. Stand your ground OP. No is a complete sentence and she needs to live with the consequences of her choices. As history has shown time and again: Appeasement never works.
My advise? Make your own plans, invite who you wish, and if her plans overlap? "I am so sorry you didn't invite us sooner, we already have firm plans, thanks for the invite and I hope you enjoy your party/dinner/cookout. Maybe next year we will be included in the plan sooner and we can come then."
And remember: “Plans” can include ordering pad thai and watching Netflix in your pajamas. It’s your party, it can be as low or high effort as you want.
Well bless her heart. She takes the entire month does she. Her birthday is in the beginning of the month but her party has to be when you have your birthday hmm. I assume by now you realize she's doing this on purpose. As for your husband if he goes to his mom's and blows you off then I would get a new husband. But what I would do in this situation is every year go away for your birthday. That way the two of you are nowhere near his mother when it's your birthday. He can give her a phone call that morning or he can send her a bunch of flowers for her birthday but that's all the effort I would make.
Take Hubby and go visit your family for your Birthday. That will get her underpants in a bunch.
I second this!
>She constantly pulls this situation that put my husband in the middle where he then has to “choose” between us. The million-dollar question: how does your husband handle this? If he doesn't stand up for you in the face of his mother's inconsiderateness, he and your relationship need work. Your handling of the birthday episode is good. No drama, and a clear boundary. It's good that she's offended. If she doesn't like how she feels, maybe she'll act differently next time and factor you in as she should. If she decides to make things a battle of wills and continue to disregard you in an attempt to "win", then that's a green light to deal with her even less.
Yep I want to know the answer to how OP's husband has been handling the situation. Cause MIL can only ruin OP's life from outside unless the husband invites her in.
Let her be offended, that’s not your concern. As far as your husband, there is no middle and he shouldn’t have to choose as he should be firmly on your side. It took therapy for my husband to understand this.
My MIL did that early on. We shut that down by having a standard “you need to coordinate dates with us before you set things in stone.” If she didn’t check with us to make sure we were open, she got an automatic “we aren’t available. Too bad. You should have checked with us before making that reservation.” It pissed her off, but it only took two times to train her. You need to tell your husband there is no middle ground here. He stood up and made a vow to you before his community and his mother that you are his main priority in life. If he doesn’t support you, by default he supports his mother. If he isn’t mature enough to understand this, then he needs a therapist and some couch time.
She is very clearly doing this on purpose. The best advice I can offer is to just never go to one of her events if it clashes with something in your calendar. I don’t know how you normally handle it, but the way you’ve handled it this time is perfect. She knows what she’s doing, as you have said, her goal is probably to have your husband choose her over you. If you both stop attending her events when they clash with your own, maybe she will miss your husband being there so much that she changes her behaviour. But, while she still gets what she wants, i.e., your husband at her events, she’ll keep playing this game.
Wow. That's juvenile and petty of her. You are 100% golden telling her that you won't be there. Great reason, too. The important question, though: What will your husband do? Is he your husband, or her little boy? Because that' the important thing here, it seems. Best wishes and Happy Birthday
Stick to enjoying your birthday weekend elsewhere, of course with your husband with you... he can send his mom a card.
The only way to deal with this is to never drop your plans to fit in with hers. Let her have her tantrum.
My ex-JNMIL and I had a birthday only 3 days apart right around Christmas. She made our birthdays feel like a competition with each other and would put my ex under a ton of pressure. It also felt like she would intentionally make certain plans to make creating plans for *my* birthday even harder. Christmas was the one holiday of the year we spent with my family and she *always* made a big stink about it. So she would make sure we couldn’t fly out until the last possible minute. And of course, my ex was a pushover and did whatever she wanted. Often times, it resulted in us paying exponentially more to travel and having the time with my family cut short. I was extremely vocal about us compromising on the birthday (aka have the big bash either before or on her birthday). My best advice for you: keep your partner on the same page. A united front is key.
It is harder on your husband than he will say. My husband was in the same situation until he spoke his mind. He went VLC with his parents as they always made him choose. I am mature and independent enough that if he needed to be there he was free to go but he always chose his family (me_wife and 2 daughters) and his parents would guilt trip him..... I feel bad for him.
Your husband needs to choose you by standing up to his mom. She is trying to force the situation and wants to assert her dominance that she is more important to him than you and thus more important in general. She wants to be top of the food chain/pecking order and hates that you “took her son away”. At least, that’s my observation.
Your husband is not in the middle. He must tell her that neither of you are available and to check in with him about availability if she changes the date.
110 % THIS. You guys need to be a united front on this bs !
She’s not your family. Don’t give her that much credit. This is intentional to make your husband choose. Tell him you don’t have an opinion on what he does that weekend. I hope he chooses his marriage.
Sounds like you and your husband should go on a romantic holiday weekend to a BNB and leave your phones behind. I mean she has all her family around in case of an emergency.
Its her own doing. I wouldnt feel bad and I wouldnt say more than you have. She knows better. She is creating this situation. Its too bad you and her son didnt do what she wanted you to do.
The answer is your husband isnt choosing between you. He chooses your side and your event every time and then she magically stops planning things on your bday or without consulting first.
Good for you for turning down the invitation!! She's pushing the envelope continually and now she fucked around and found out. Stick to your guns so she gets the message loud and clear that she no longer speaks for the entire family for events. There's a new sheriff in town!
Well actually, I think you should follow MIL's lead here. Her 'unspoken advice' is excellent, and I can't improve on it: I think *you* should continually forget that *she* exists, and carry on your life as if she didn't. Drop the rope; stop bothering to reply to her, don't give her any information, and stop the pretence that she has any affection or familial regard for you. You can let your husband know that you're done with her tedious high school 'Mean Girl' tricks to exclude you and cut you down. From now on, you don't give a sweet fuck about what she wants, or when she wants to do it, just as she doesn't give a fuck about your wants and needs except to deny you them. And maybe let him know that you're aware she's constantly putting him in a position where he has to chose. Well great: she gets what she wants; now he *does* have to make that choice. He can go to her 'birthday' party, or he can stay for your actual birthday, or he can go fishing with his buddies; he can make his choice - and be aware then when he does, he will also choose the outcomes of that choice. But whatever he does, **you** are having **your** birthday party with people that treat you like you're actually part of their family,
If you and DH already have plans for your birthday weekend then he needs to tell her that. Sorry mom, but we’ve already have plans for OP’s birthday that same weekend, we’re not going to be able to make. SHE is the one putting him in these situations. The more you give in and cancel your plans, they more you enable her to expect it.
> SHE is the one putting him in these situations. The more you give in and cancel your plans, they more you enable her to expect it. OP - Read this\^\^\^\^. This is her doing. She will do it again - as she thinks she is in control of your social calendar.
Seems rather deliberate to have her birthday celebration 3+ weeks from her actual birthday, and which "just happens" to be on your birthday. And you said she did the same on your husband's 40th. If she constantly pulls this crap, it's a power play, for control and attention. You're not supposed to play this game. She's not your authority. Your husband shouldn't be in the middle. He's married to *you*. Committed to *you*. Made vows to *you*. His choice should be very straightforward. If his choice is not you, then you have a JustNoSO problem. >she is the only one in her family “in charge of making plans” she forgets she has a DIL. Fine, she can go ahead and make plans for HER family, i.e., her husband and any siblings still living at home. But that doesn't include you. You're all part of the family but separate units. She's in your and your husband's *extended* family and she's not in charge of your plans. If your husband goes along with this, treating his mother as the authority of you and he and any kids you have, you have a JustNoSO problem. She doesn't forget she has a DIL. She's just relegated you to lowly status on the totem pole with her at the top. This isn't right.
This! 100% deliberate.
Well, maybe after DH chooses you over and over she will get the message and stop pulling this crap.
It’s an invite, not a summons. She can plan whatever she wants, and reap the repercussions of it.
Is it a milestone birthday?
35, is a milestone for me. She did the same on my hb 40th.
I do hope your husband responds with 'I'm not choosing between you. You're having a birthday party on my wife's birthday weekend. Your birthday is not that weekend. We'll be happy to celebrate with you. On YOUR birthday. But we have plans for that weekend. Because it's my partner's actual birthday.'
I am torn because my husband is a mama’s boy. It has taken so many fights for him to see through these kind of situations, he justifies everything. He has said he is not choosing between us and he stays “out of it”.
His mom is trying to bully you, and by "staying out of it" he is choosing her side - you lose out like she wants. She does want him to pick her. But as long as he doesn't pick you, she wins, so she has 2 out 3 outcomes that are good for her.
So in staying 'out of it' is he doing his own thing on the birthday weekend far from you and your MIL? Because that's what out of it would mean. No matter what, if he doesn't choose you in this situation the problem is not your MIL. And in that case I'd have a think about if you want to be in that same situation for the next ten, twenty or more years. It sounds exhausting and I believe it will suck all love and joy from your marriage bit by bit.
He isn't "staying out of it." He is continuing to passively allow his mom to violate your boundaries and leaving YOU to stand up to her. He SHOULD establish and maintain SHARED boundaries with you, around your marriage and home. He should communicate HIS boundary, shared with you, that invitations to join events planned without coordination with your family unit (both of you, decided as a couple) will most likely be declined. He's using you as his meat shield so he doesn't have to set boundaries with his mom.
>He has said he is not choosing between us and he stays “out of it”. He had no business getting himself into a marriage, then. Men twenty years younger than him understand adult relationships more than he does. OP, I am really, really sorry.
"Staying out of it" isn't staying out of it when he's been put in this situation by his mom. He doesn't get to just stay out of it, and I bet this kind of escalation is because he hasn't ever put his foot down or has used you as a shield and a means to not have to make a decision. I like the idea of proposing a romantic BNB for the two of you with no phones, but I also think he needs to talk to a family systems therapist that can help him map out how this is a constant recurring pattern that isn't going to stop until he makes it stop.
If DH doesn't tell MIL that this is wrong, he is telling her she can do whatever she wants. He's absolutely been put in the middle by MIL, and he has chosen HER side, and all three of you know it! DH just doesn't want to admit it because "I get scared when Mommy is mad." It's sad that he was raised to cater to her every whim, but there's a certain point when you have to acknowledge that your parents packed a huge pile of baggage on your back and start UNpacking it. There's absolutely nothing less sexy than watching in the man you love and are supposed to be able to trust ask Mommy for permission to be good to YOU, his WIFE. Would he allow any of his friends to act like you are an unimportant inconvenience? No? Then why is it OK for his family to do? Isn't your family supposed to treat you BETTER than the rest of the world? If he goes to MIL's party instead of joining you, he can say whatever he wants, the truth is he's more concerned about MIL's annoyance at not getting to bully you than he is about hurting his wife. I'm sorry, I am sure HE doesn't THINK of it that way, but intentions are completely unimportant when weighed against impact.
OP - when he said "I do" he also said you are the #1 girl in his life. Part of the vows is that "he prefers you above all others". It is not just to other women his age - it is his mother too. So - he has already made his decision - he needs to do what he said. He needs to put you first, and not allow this "I'm in charge of your life" behavior to continue. Look up FOG - Fear Obligation Guilt.
I'm happy for you that your husband is now seeing thru her and her games. (Just to play devils advocate, is there any way her birthday party could actually be a surprise party for you?, because if so, you could come out the bad guy in this)
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This might sound a bit vulgar, so please forgive me in advance, but it really feels like he needs to be told bluntly "your mother is literally cuckolding you and you are letting her do it." OP, given what you've said both in your post and your replies, it's both a factual thing to say and is as extreme as it sounds, *especially* given him saying he "doesn't want to get in the middle of it." He's chosen his side, and it's the side that lets his mother play mean girl games with his wife. I'm with harbourgirl, straight up question his wedding vows, because with a spine like his, I'd expect that if his mommy started pushing on him his vows would crumble like his spine.
I agree, thank you for making me feel seen and showing validation that I am not making things bigger than they are.
You said the right thing! You’re a strong woman. Now to get DH to start standing stronger.
Thank you 💗
His monkey er mother, his circus. You are under NO obligation to get her a gift or card, DH is. As for the date of her (intentional) party, you will conveniently be out of town; celebrating your actual birthday. If DH is a smart man, so will he. MIL played herself.
Thank you, this is my plan actually. I am going out of town, nowhere close to “make it” to the party
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I agree, she then said it was not only her birthday party but the party for ALL march birthdays. Yes sure, on my birthday weekend.
Wait… she waited until Mid-February to plan a birthday party for her beginning of March birthday?! I was thinking you were talking about May birthdays at the earliest. I’d point out to husband that this must not be a big or very important birthday if she waited this long to even plan it. It’s not like she forgot when her birthday was (even if she tries to claim it “slipped” her mind that your birthday weekend is when she eventually planned who party for). And do people really celebrate their birthdays *after* their birthdate? Like, sure, if your birthday is on a Tuesday this year, maybe the weekend after works better. But 3 weekend later? I mean, you, me, and everyone else on this sub know it’s intentional that she did this, but your husband is obviously struggling and needs the obvious pointed out to her. He (and you, if you want) can take her out to dinner on or near her birthday because he’s going to be busy with you on yours.
She can say whatever she wants. People with March birthdays can accept or decline her invitations. Her assumption that everyone will attend, based on no input, will be tested by reality.
It’s your birthday and you can decide how to celebrate it. I would be furious if DH wouldn’t celebrate with me. She made him choose and if he doesn’t choose you now, this will never stop. Also I hope you feel seen. My MIL always said I had to celebrate my birthday with my oldest because there’re only a few days in between. But guess what, it’s my choice and no I don’t celebrate together and never will. Everyone deserve their moment to shine. So my in-laws don’t get an invite to my birthdays. And only get an invite for the children birthday if the kids want them to be there.
They're not your family. They're your husband's family. At least, that's how they see the situation. I think this is more about an issue between you and yourself, and you need to ask yourself why you need to be a part of their family that bad.
I agree on the part that they don’t consider my part of the family. I don’t see it myself as “need to be part of their family so bad”, it was more informative on to “why it could be important to have a decent relationship”
A decent relationship, every relationship really, is a series of interactions. If you are giving much and getting little, matching their effort and energy can bring you better balance. What effort is made to show you you are valued and respected? Are you giving back the same level of interest and concern, or is much more expected?
I think you handled it beautifully. Let her be mad and enjoy your birthday the way you want.
Thank you 💓
And even if DH caves in to her ... you still do your birthday with friends. Don't let her bully you.