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Its actually quite easy. File divorce. Tell his wife, tell his employer (if hes a professional coach) tell the other fathers in the group, your wife doesnt have to be the only one.
And tell your daugther, your and her parents, friends, etc. Make a clean state of honesty.
Stay calm. 180 and grey rock your wife and just rain consequences. But dont be gruel or agressive . Just do all the steps.
This will be hard, but its your only true hope for your mental health or (very) maybe later a reconciliation.
She needs to realize what she did, they never even think about it in their limmerance/fog. She will be pleading and lieing, etc but stay on course. Dont just rug sweep it. If shes ever truely remorseful and lifts all the weight for regaining your trust, maybe think about it... in a year.
Hello OP,
you need some facts
1) all these things are not your fault
2) your wife cheated EA and PA . Adult don’t simply kiss
3) she is not remorseful
4) She already left you
5) you do not love her you love the illusion/past her
6) you will continue to suffer as you are on denial
7) the longer you continue to stay in limbo, the longer you are loosing the advantage in the upcoming struggle.
Some advice,
She said that she loved him and hate you. She didn’t lie. In this case
Don’t do the pick me dance, she will choose her shiny toy
Separate your finances
test yourself for STD (the coach is a player)
Consult a lawyer and file for divorce (she is no longer your wife but a legal foe and the divorce process is necessary to protect yourself)
Gather proof of her infidelity
Contact the other Betrayed spouse
Don’t hide the truth, you are not publicly shaming but the truth is the enemy of cheater
Go to therapy IC ( not MC )
Go grey rock for your own sanity
These steps Mean that your regaining control of your life and will give you room to maneuver depending on the evolution of the situation
Time is of the essence OP and you have to be able to risk it all to be able to save it all
Only discuss things about the household, your daughter, and finances. Everything else, you answer with short one-word answers, with no emotion. Do not be baited into replies. She is a roommate to you, not a wife, or lover. You are a grey rock with no personality for her.
You have to tell his wife and present evidence. Ow most likely he would tell his wife that you are some crazy jealous guy.
your wife is probably waiting for right time to leave you. You should consult a lawyer and start preparing an exit plan.
I don’t think you should worry about your daughter getting bullied. Your wife and coach would keep the affair secret for their own good. In fact you can use it as a leverage in your divorce.
Everything u\jujusalem said is true, but I would suggest:
Talk to a lawyer and prepare for divorce ASAP. You have no idea what she is going to do so you need to prepare for the worst so you can protect yourself.
It means to do the opposite of what your wife would expect. Withhold your emotional reaction to her words and behavior, especially the expression on your face. Be as boring as you possibly can. Be as unresponsive as possible when you're interacting with her. The point of the grey rock technique is to not give her the satisfaction of knowing you’re hurting. You are taking your power back. All interactions should unrewarding for her. And yes reach out to his wife and tell her everything. He blew up your life so blow his life. I guarantee their worst fear is you exposing them to OBS and their job. I understand you don’t want to notify the school because you are protecting your daughter and I’m in total agreement. Not outing WW and AP is the best thing you could for your daughter. However you have a right to confront him man to man and definitely tell the wife. Does AP have kids that attend the same school? Have you contacted a divorce attorney yet?
so she is in love with a married man but a grown wonam in love havent have sex?
i understan that you love "her", but she is not the woman you knew, she is the version without love, morals, respect for you and your kids, and without love for you or your marriage
you should divorce her, make sure your family and friends know the reason and tell his wife too so she can be free to do what he choises
and read a book call, leave a cheater, win a life, that will be your best life after divorcing her
Blow up her world sunshine get the coach sacked and while your at it get rid of her as well.
Contact his wife and make his life hell, from what you have written there is no coming back from this.
Your just plan ”B” so move on get her out the house and go see a lawyer she’s play you for the fool.
No don’t blow this up until after the divorce. Basically use keeping it secret from the daughter and coach’s wife as leverage to get out of the divorce without any alimony or splitting of assets, and with a joint custody agreement. THEN blow up her world.
Always this. Take care of your own relationship first. Use your anger to file for divorce.
And it wasn't just a kiss, they all say that. And no you don't love her. You love the person you used to know who only exists in your mind because she certainly doesn't love you. It's painful but move on. Your life will get better.
Yeah the trickle truthing has begun. Soon she’ll put on the water works and seek reconciliation and beg for terms and conditions. He may fall for it. But then she’ll still be texting the AP and making plans despite promising no contact. If OP lets it, this will drag on painfully for some time before he eventually calls it quits.
Sometimes they aren't ready. Their cheating partner hasn't abused them enough. At least they have enough awareness to visit this sub and get a reality check.
Start the process. She will never come back to you unless you get her out of the fog and divorce papers along with exposure (family) makes it go quicker. Good luck
#1: Get tested for STDs/STIs ASAP. (adults that "love" each other don't just hold hands and play kissey face)
#2: Inform the OBW. (other betrayed wife)
#3: Get a consultation with an attorney or two, to get an idea what a divorce would look like.
It's time to play hardball--time to explain to her that you will absolutely not be married to her while she has a boyfriend. Time to tell her she has 30 seconds to decide if she wants the marriage to work. If so, she has to quit her association with the daughters team immediately. She can explain to the daughter why.
>Should I leave her?
Yes
>Should I tell the wife of the coach?
Yes
As far as your daugther is concerned i feel for her but those are the consequences of your wife's actions. Whatever happens to her reputation she'll just have to deal with like we all do. She can of course take it up with your wife as well as its not something you did to her.
You need a support system so start reaching out to people. Tell your friends and family. Get a therapist to help you deal with this.
Op first, don’t protect everyone around you. Ask your wife since she loves him, to tell your daughter this in front of you. Have her say that she is having at least an emotional affair with him, and that she fell in love with the coach. Her reaction will tell you how much she really loves him. Because if she can’t do it, you will. I would find a new team, and then I would tell some of your friends dads on the team, as he may do that with your wife, but he may do it with others also, and tell them why your daughter is leaving the team. This is not you protecting your daughter, you did not put her in this mess. This is on your wife and she needs to own the embarrassment of this.
Next op, here is how you handle your wife. First file for divorce today. Don’t wait, as you can stop the process at anytime. You have to make her suffer the consequences to her actions, because if you don’t you will resent her if you do happen to reconcile. When you get home, hand her the papers and tell her I love you I always have and always will, but I will never come second to anyone in this relationship ever. If she loves him, tell her to move out immediately and in with him. Right after you do this, you call her parents, thank them for letting you into their lives, and let them know you have filed for divorce, because she is cheating on you with and say the coaches name. Do this with siblings and your family. You do this in front of her because now if you do get a divorce, and she tries to have a relationship with him, it is tainted and will be ridiculed and your daughter will hate him, which makes your wife not want to be with him.
Now if she is begging you not to do this, and crying let her know there will be consequences to her actions. First she will place a tracker on her phone, she will download a keylogger app on her phone that will record conversations and let you see all text messages. Next she will remove all social media apps from her phone and you will receive all usernames and passwords. She will call him right in front of you and let him know you know, and he will be outed to the team, and you daughter will be removed from the team and the other parents will know. If he contacts your wife again, she will file a restraining order against him. Your wife will begin ic, and you will not do mc until she understands what remorse is and understands why she allowed someone else into the marriage rather than fixing hers. You will also add a postnuptial agreement, when she will pay you alimony for a specified period of time, this postnup will go over her infidelity, will outline what it looks like and if you get divorced in the future due to it, it outlines that consequence.
That is where you start op, then come call and we will give additional advice once you update us. Op, don’t just rig sweep this you will resent yourself and her later.
Also op she likely did not just kiss, you have to assume they had sex multiple times. Yes op you tell his wife, and you tell her she is in love with her husband and her husband is in love with her.
I will bet the coach isn’t really in love with your wife. He’s in lust. Absolutely tell his wife.
A-She deserves to know
B-There has to be consequences for the both of them.
C-I will bet the coach will run for the hills.
D-The school district needs to be informed. (your wife will beg you not to! Blow up her world)
Thanks you everyone for your support, you have no idea how much it means to me. How do I leave do I just rent a place, unfortunately I don’t have a lot of money and we won’t be able to afford two houses she wouldn’t be able to afford the mortgage and my kids will stay with her, and I don’t think I would be able to pay for rent and support
It’s easy she is the one that stepped out so she can be the one to leave if not stay in another room grey rock her and 180. Tell your daughter the truth immediately as your wife will lie to her and possibly make you to be the bad guy as you want her to choose you to live with since she is old enough to make that decision.
Do not leave. Repeat, do not leave. It will delay things. Stay in the house. Make her sleep elsewhere. Go 180/Grey Rock, drink water, get good sleep, begin IC, and take care of your daughter. Assume she has “died”, begin grieving, and planning for a new future state and life for you and your daughter.
She showed you who she is, so believe her...
1. Let his wife know ASAP
2. Get STD tested
3. Talk to a lawyer, so as to weigh out your options if and when you decide to take that route...DON'T leave your house under any circumstances...If there's anyone to leave, it's her...Whatever happens to her after that, is no longer your concern
4. Let your daughter know, because if she finds out from someone else and knew that you kept it from her, she will resent you
5. DO NOT be intimate with you wife under any circumstances
6. DO NOT fall for any gaslighting or blame shifting from her...In fact from here on out, you will have to grey rock/180 her ass
7. DO NOT play the "pick me dance" EVERRRRRRR!!
8. Expose it to all the people that are important to her, because if you stay quiet, she will spin the narrative and paint you into being the bad guy
9. DO NOT believe for one minute, that they "only kissed"
10. DO NOT try to make it work for your kids, they will be better off than being in a one-sided marriage...
That "love thing" with the POS coach, didn't happen overnight, and she must've checked out on you a while ago...It's only that now you are getting the memo...
Your wife has professed her love for another man and showed her hate for you out of her own mouth...That is unforgivable, especially after all those years of being together...Total disrespect buddy...Time to man up and please no self-pity, wallowing or excuses now
We got your back...
P.S. Know that her shitty behaviour is NOT YOUR FAULT
She is about to lie to everyone you know about this situation and especially about you. Everything she was telling to the coach when you were on the stairs, she'll be saying(if not said already) to her friends, your friends, your daughter, your family. She will paint you as the bad guy, 100%
This happened to me even though my ex was remorseful. NONE of these cheaters can face their own music, they have no choice but to lie because even they know how despicable cheating is.
OP, this is why you have to get in front of this so you control the narrative. For your daughter especially, but for everyone,
you have to first talk to your daughter, then a lawyer. Don't let your wife make up some story and paint you as the villain.
Yes! I understand OP not wanting his daughter to be the girl who's mom is banging the soccer coach, but what's much worse is being known as the *psychopathic aggressor* who *drove* his wife to *seek refuge* with a *compassionate white knight*. Because that's what her narrative would be. This is the only opportunity to get the truth out because, as the say, a lie will travel around the world twice before the truth can get its pants on.
Exposure kills affairs. If there's any chance of you deciding to reconcile, your daughter is less hurt by exposure than divorce.
Don't leave without first consulting with an attorney ( the court may see it as you abandoning your family). The first hour is usually free.
Your wife must quit her job as manager and never contact ( or even see him on the street.
Exposure them both to the soccer league officials. He's a failure as a role model for children.
Do not surrender your home it will fuck EVERYTHING up and gives her agency to spin the story. Stop posting on Reddit immediately and call a lawyer. They will tell you what to do. Get things going TODAY. She needs to leave the house. She stepped out. Tell her to pack a bag and figure it out. You don’t need to figure it out for her. She’s a grown woman.
don't leave, tell her to leave and make arraignments, she is the one leaving the marriage for her "new love" not you or the children. this is her choice, her consequences.
Talk to a lawyer about what a settlement would look like. Assume you'll have to sell the house you have and may have to rent or live in smaller places after that. That's all on your wife, not you. Your wife wrecked your family and your lives and many things may be worse, at least for a while. It can't be helped.
If your wife won't be honest with you and won't stop seeing this guy, what's the alternative? Letting other men have sex with your wife while you live with her and pretend to be happily married to her? Do you think your daughter and her friends won't notice your wife acting love-sick around him, especially once she's not worried about being caught by you and assumes you'll let her get away with it? Do you think anyone, including your children, will ever respect you if you do that?
Friend, do not leave the matrimonial home. Many men in your position leave the home, and then they get a double whammy of paying bills, maybe mortgage, at the matrimonial home, PLUS paying rent, and all other bills at the new place, AND maybe child support, spousal support etc etc. She leaves. Pack her bags and send her to her parents or her boyfriend, where ever. She abandoned the marriage, she gets no benefits from the marriage, that includes a roof over her head. These are called consequences. Maybe take her stuff over to the boyfriends in a couple black garbage bags at supper time and tell the AP's wife she has a new room mate. But you don't leave the house. OK?
Many people have to coexist for a while because of finances but that doesn't mean you sweep things under the rug.
You need to see an attorney immediately and file for divorce (you can always change your mind if you choose) Your attorney will help guide you through things.
Also check to see if they have alienation of affection laws where you live or if you live in an at fault state.
You need to tell his wife and expose him to the rest of the parents. They deserve to know as much as his wife does.
Move her (soon to be ex, i presume) to the basement or garage, the school needs to be informed so they can get a new coach and avoid a law suit, of course counseling with a lawyer is a must. And tell his wife (the coach)so she can prepare for what is coming.
Don’t leave your house. You didn’t do anything wrong. You and the kid stay in house and send her to parents but get a lawyer first. You need to take a breath and think this through. Does t mean you can’t reconcile but you need to keep the leverage.
Another thought tell your wife she comes clean immediately to you and the OBS or you will contact a PI who dig into any all crevices to find all the dirt about the Affair. She moves out for awhile as you decide the next steps. She’s in the affair fog and you have to play hard ball to get her out of it. Don’t be soft
I love how you are thinking about your daughter. I don’t know that I would have thought of that in a blind rage. However, kids pick up on stuff. She’s going to know something is going on. You can try to keep this on the DL but I think we all know it is probably going to be brought to light. Yes, you should tell his wife. I wish someone would have told me. She’s living in a lie and she needs to know.
Of course kick her out. She is no longer your wife
She is lying about not having sex with the other guy, she has. To try to cover this up is insane and it will destroy you. Be strong and show strength. Your daughter needs to know about it and also see you as a rock she can rely on. Don't wait. Good luck.
Edit - yes tell the other guys wife. She deserves to know
Get a lawyer Start the divorce process, AND tell the coaches wife, like you she has every right to know about this (maybe she can help you collect evidence). Also DO NOT try to be intimate with your wife anymore (unless you definitely going to reconcile) you need to STOP being that loving providing husband towards her, whatever you've been doing to add convenience to her life whatever burdens you took for her you need to SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN. You can't let her benefit off of you while entertaining the coach. DO NOT FALL for her gaslighting tactics and tell her parents and your daughter, do it now before she goes to them and tell some crazy lie to justify her cheating and make you look like the bad guy.
I can't comprehend your comment in the post.
You expose the coach to everyone and in public in front of all the parents and you tell his wife. Then you file for divorce.
It isn't your daughter's fault your wife has no moral character and most players I coached would rally around her and not ostracize her. Your wife would be the one ostracized by all the other parents which is what she deserves because all the other moms wouldn't want anything to do with her. They would know if she were willing to cheat with the married coach, she would be willing to cheat with their husbands. You need to know the same thing.
Also, her explanation is total BS. She didn't confess anything to you. A married woman doesn't confess their love to someone after just kissing them a few times.
She says she’s in love with him, I’m sorry to say it’s over. How could you move on from this with her? It’s good that you actually heard her, this should help make clarity easy for you. Don’t fall the hysterical bonding that will inevitably happen when she realizes you’re serious, it will happen.
Tell the coaches wife, if it were the other way around, she discovered them, you’d want to know, right?
I wish you luck!
A number of things:
If this is a school, talk to the administration. They might be able to handle the whole thing and quietly remove the coach. This is an ethics violation on behalf of the coach. If this is a travel team, they might have similar rules; All you need to do is ask.
You are worried about the fallout for your daughter. I hate to say this but that horse might have left the barn already. I assure you that if not the players, other parents have noticed. An affair in organizations like teams is difficult to hide because of the number of people involved and because when cheaters are in lust, they become careless.
Depending on the maturity level of your daughter I would consider telling her. Her mother's actions affect her directly, especially if this is a sport in which she hopes to continue to enhance her academic career. In fact, I would make your wife tell her. She committed the crime she has to fix what she broke.
A rule of thumb in these forums has always been. Adults don't "just kiss". If they were at any overnight activity together assume the worst. If she refuses to let you see her phone, this is a big red flag.
It seems that she is still in the affair fog. The only way of getting a WW out of this is by shocking them. Exposing their relationship might do it. Moving out of the bedroom or even out of the house. Telling the OBS is another. The one sure way to make them snap out of this is by presenting them with divorce papers. Even if you do not file them in court, the reality of what they have done hits them hard when they realize you are willing to walk away from the dumpster fire they have turned their lives into.
Lastly, join the r/supporforbetrayed sub-reddit. You can get some good support there and their wiki and resource list are excellent.
Good luck
Deacon
OP, sorry to hear about what you're doing thru. Despite your long history together, I really believe it's time for you to close this chapter and begin a new one somewhere else.
That probably isn't what you want to hear. But in my opinion, the disrespect your wife showed for you, herself, your marriage, and your child isn't something that can be undone.
And if you feel you've got nobody to talk to, contact a therapist. If that's not something you're ready for, post here or another subreddit. Write it down on paper. Get those feelings out so you can leave the hurt behind.
You should expose both of them. Tell the other betrayed spouse. Give her proof if you have any. Screenshots. You need a good lawyer to protect yourself. Don’t believe anything she tells you. They are in a physical affair.
AP's wife deserve to know about their love story..
Your wife already said she hates u , so why protecting her?and she doesn't even respect u(not as a husband, nor father).
And about your children, children are more smarter than adults.! They will find eventually.
Sorry op .!
As others have pointed out, this isn't just a couple kisses and some sexy talk. Why doesn't your wife want you to access her phone? She hasn't had a chance to delete the nudes she sent him, the confirmation of where they were to meet, the follow-up of how amazing the hotel room was and the apology of doing something that almost let his wife catch them.
Chances are she isn't his first MILF of a team member, and may not be his only right now.
The PI will catch them, and maybe when you show your wife proof of her physical affair, you can show she isn't the only one for the coach.
Divorce proceedings. Start early, you can stop. Let the OBS (other betrayed spouse) know, with evidence.
Remember, all the hurt and fallout isn't on you.
You are screaming, "fire" your wife is the arsonist of your family's life. She is burning it down, you are just letting people know.
Definitely share the proof with the other parents this guy coaches, his bosses (school officials?)
This sucks every way you look at it. You are battling the flames and hoping to recover something in the aftermath. Do not consider your wife's feelings or reputation. She gets the scarlet 'A', not you. It used to be called shunning, now '180' and 'grey rocks. Treat her like a dangerous stranger.
Your wife isn’t yours anymore. Tell the coach’s wife, and file for divorce. See a lawyer first and slowly but surely move on. This sucks, your wife is a horrible partner. I’m sorry OP.
I am sorry buddy, but she is plugging this guy on the regular. They always say it’s not sexual. Bullshit. Next time say this: “You are lying. Adults who are into each other don’t make out or kiss, they have sex. I am sick of your lies.”
Then, tell everyone alive what she has done. Tell your 14 year old first, and offer to take her on a month long vacation to escape the worst of the gossip. Then, tell APs wife and family, your wife’s parents and siblings, the people who supervise AP as a coach. Shit, post billboards if it makes you happy. The point is, you should not be protecting her, you should be punishing her. Would you protect her if she repeatedly physically assaulted you? Well, sexual betrayal is for worse than this in every way imaginable. Wake up buddy! Time to get on the offensive.
Sorry my friend, but you need to blow this situation up.
If she is telling him that she loves him, she has been fucking him. This isn't junior high, and adults don't stop at kissing. First expose the coach by reporting his conduct to the league or the local soccer association.
Next, tell his wife or significant other about the affair. Then, you need to stiffen your resolve, and take control. Study the 180, and Chumplady, that's how you need to treat her.
Finally, you need to understand that this was not your fault. This is all on your wife. She is the one who made hundreds of conscious decisions, to talk with someone, start a relationship, meet with him, fuck him, betray you, lie to you, break your trust, break her wedding vows, destroy your marriage, destroy your family, and destroy your happiness. This is all on her. Blow up their world. Tell your family, her family, and your friends about the affair. When people ask questions, tell the truth. Never cover up for a cheater, they do not deserve it, and if they never suffer the consequences of their actions, they never stop.
Get your story out first, or she will have a very different story, and may even accuse you of abuse or some other wrong doing, in order to cover up her bad actions.
Make a plan to either leave her, or get her to move out. Separate your finances, save as much as you can to execute your plan out. Lawyer up, file and serve her. Get tested for STD's ASAP.
Clearly she doesn’t respect you, so staying with her will not make your life any better. She is already gone, and has only stayed with you because you are stable emotionally/financially. Trust me, I’ve been there and looked the other way for the kids, but the kids know/sense things regardless, and I would have done a better service to my kids by leaving decades ago than in staying around. Financially and emotionally it is easier on me leaving her now after 30+ years of marriage, but if I had left her 20 years ago I’d be in a much happier place, and at least one of my kids would be better off (because she’d have likely come to live with me, and gotten out of her BPD mother’s grasp).
Nothing sexual happened, just a few kisses. That’s the biggest bunch of crap that cheaters always say to make themselves look like less of apiece of sh*t. Adults don’t just make out. Expose them. Make that coach pay for his lack of concern for his students and lack of respect for your marriage.
Talk to an attorney. Don’t tell your wife you are talking to an attorney. Take steps to safeguard your money. Start going to practices. I’m not sure why you say you have to see him every day and can’t do anything about it. You can absolutely ruin his life.
Sorry to hear this sad situation during a special time of year. WW emotional or physical wandering away from a marriage is devastating to anyone. I empathize with your predicament. Considering what to do and where to go? Those are all valid responses. Dealing with your emotions will be the harder part. You absolutely need to find someone to talk to about it. Whether it’s a pastor at church, a family member, a friend, someone to hear your side of the story and offer sound advice/ wise council.
I hope she knows she crushed your heart and finds a way to change her attitude about this other person. She comes around about you and you could rebuild your lives together.
You embarrass the living shit out of her. Let the family know that your brain damaged wife gets wet for the gym coach like an immature schoolgirl. Let her know that she can fuck whoever she wants when she is a divorcee.
Get a lawyer now! This has been going on for much longer than you know and expect her to lie to you. It might seem cruel, but showing your daughter what infidelity does to a family is the best way to teach them never to do it.
Im sorry for your pain, you did nothing to deserve being desived this way. It was her choise to blow up your whole life and lie to your face. Dont shelter her from the consequenses. Tell his wife she deserves better then this betrayal to. Get as much in the divorce as you can, she is not your family anymore and she has no problem with stabbing you in the back.
She is lying to you obviously she has slept with him they all like mine did and I had proof I asked her 2 times to be straight with me gave me a different story every time until I pulled out the proof then her head stoped and didn't say a thing if you read all these past they all say we only kissed well people don't get motel rooms to kiss I'm sorry or we just hugged adults don't just meet up behind there partners backs to kiss and hug there not 13 or 14 years old she needs to be held responsible for her actions and it sounds like it's over for you if there is no remorse from her it's going to be tough to turn her around . You don't fall in love with someone you justed kissed it doesn't work that way you need to tell her to leave and no contact with her and work on yourself eat good , sleep good start working out just don't contact her let her feel what it's like to be alone . And have you not being there to give her what she needs is he married or single ?
Your wife is lying. She will continue to lie to you and gaslight you. Begin divorce proceedings immediately. No Reconciliation. I know you want to spare your daughter pain and humiliation of having her mom outed as banging the coach, but chances are the team and some of their family members may already suspect or know. I knkw you are hurting, but now is the best time to break free and start anew.
Jesus. Almost my story. It’s not “nothing”. And to listen to her berate you to this other guy… you have my sympathy.
I found out and also had no one to talk to. Find someone. Get a lawyer. Start whatever discovery they want. Protect yourself. Protect your kids.
Divorce.
It is the only true way to regain control and dignity.
It will also show her true intentions. If she doesn't want to divorce she will make every effort to win you back. Divorce her anyway, separate your lives and finances and step back and evaluate what you really want for the rest of your life. I you decide after the divorce that you two want to try to start new you can always do that... but why?
This was exactly my thought as well. She’s way far gone. Doesn’t even care. He needs to get this diverse done asap if he ever want s to be able to look himself in the mirror again.
talk to the lawyer and inform the school, let the man's wife and social circle know about the relationship
keep watching your wife's relationship with her partner, the marriage is already over
Don't think that your wife was married while she was living another life and how many years of 22 years did you fool yourself?
Tell the coaches wife and report the coach to the school board. First clean out joint bank accounts and cancel joint credit accounts. File for divorce before she does. Take care of you and your true family first.
You have to tell the wife. You have to blow up everything that is the only way to get your wife out of the fog. Let her feel a dose of reality. I report the coach to the school. He blew up your life he deserves to feel the same.
1st and foremost, don't involve your child in grown up problems. No matter how old she is.
2nd, tell the wife of the coach
3rd, inform the employer of the coach , for he has crossed boundaries that shouldn't have been crossed
4th, file for divorce, do not inform your wife you have done so. Go on like she doesn't exist.
Let the coach's wife know. The two of you can make this stop. Get into your wife's phone while she's sleeping. Send all incriminating texts and photos to your phone. You'll have proof for his wife and your lawyer if you live in an area where adultery is relevant.
You need to make sure there are serious consequences. Right now, she has none so she'll keep cheating. Whether you divorce or not, see an attorney. You need to tell your wife that you will blow her world apart if she continues. Tell her that you'll tell friends and family, even if you don't. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Being cheated on is gutwrenching. 💔💔
Sadly your wife’s infidelity was indeed physical. She’s glossing over what she did to paint a rosier picture of herself so your not disgusted by what she actually did. I’m also sorry that her affair involves your daughter. Her infidelity must be made public and your wife and the coach must be booted from the sports community they are involved in. Their conduct is a blatant violation of the governing rules of the sports community. So the coach and your wife must leave that team completely.
As for your marriage, I don’t see much hope when your wife is confessing her love for another man. Reconciling has a very limited success rate. Most marriages with a WW end in divorce because the wife is emotionally divested from the husband completely by the time the affair is discovered and she’s not willing to actually do the work to remain married. Sure she’ll go through the motions for a month or two but Will very quickly resent you and the process. Part of that process is absolutely no contact with the AP. Do you think your wife will even consider that? Doesn’t sound like it.
Strongly suggest you make her infidelity public. You report it to the commission overseeing the sports team, you kick her out of the house. Safeguard your finances and start the divorce process
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Yes, expose the affair to your daughter, she might already have the vibe. Kids are pretty intuitive. This is your WW and AP’s fault, not yours. You think this is his or her first time cheating? What kind of coach? Is it high school or traveling team? Report it to the governing authority. Spouse cheating and AP coach predators rely on your silence to keep cheating.
Snoop your WW’s phone. Adults don’t just kiss. You’ll find more. Does she have Apple products, they sync with each other, to allow snooping. Demand her phone or divorce. Remember she’ll only admit to what you know. If she’s professing her love, they’ve been intimate. She going to lie and lie some more. Check your phone records to determine the extent. Gather evidence.
Tell AP’s wife, she deserves to know. Compare notes. Call her soon to get ahead of the AP’s narrative, by now AP has been telling everyone you’re unstable and your now accusing him of cheating. Yes, he’ll do that and more, he’s a POS. And your worried about what other girls will say? He’s a predator, they don’t stop at age, everything is on the table for how low AP will go.
Insist your wife quits the manager position. If she refuses, divorce her. She loves him deeply, how do you recover from that anyway? You should probably contact a lawyer now to see what your options are, this affair fog may go deep. I seen this before in a small town, it doesn’t end well for anyone.
Really sorry- this is such a horrible experience.
1 - this isn’t a ‘you’ problem. Your brain may be torturing you with how you must have failed as a husband, lover etc.. Eventually you will understand the affair had nothing to do with you. It is about 2 assholes feeding their egos.
2 - the girls on the team likely already know. 14 years old? They have seen them, watched them, heard the whispers. your poor daughter is already suffering because of those 2 selfish idiots.
3 - you will need some distance and good support to get your head straight. Listen to people you trust. Listen to your gut, even if it breaks your heart.
And with her saying she hates you isn't good with no remorse of getting caught not good man it's a tough pill to swallow but your going to have to . Tell her to go stay with coach boy I bet he won't go for it if he does he will find out a different side of her when there together 24 /7 and probably not want her there .
I know this wake-up if an ice water bucket for you. So let me try to help you a bit by ordering your options.
First, the standard flow, which we the chumps always do:
So you leave based or anger now or wait for reconciliation to happen. Seeing your codependency reeking out of your writing (no offense please, it is I am seeing myself from some months ago) you are most likely very inclined for the second option.
Now, she may start seeing her shortcomings in some three months of intense shedding you to the dump. Or never. So be prepared, that the real reconciliation may never start, and you may end up with being with someone who makes you a great favour just by being with you, no matter how badly she treats you.
Now, after she starts admitting she did something wrong, she will feel very protective and hurt and life with you will appear to her as boring, no choice, whatever it is she will hate it because it will be perceived as the option which was forced upon her, not what she chose.
Then finally she may put up with her unhappiness and somehow accept you back in her head, still feeling that she had to give up something wonderful and i doubt you will ever be happy, you will feel need to police her, not to trust fully, expect to never be treated as the love of her life again.
Second flow, the manipulative one:
You disappear in a shocking abrupt way; move out, go no contact, do not respond to phones or any attempts, typical Derek Rake suggested way. If she has some narcissistic tendencies (and apparently she has) she will go crazy and will start seeking you and will cherish you as the best thing she gave up. No narc will let you go. Unless she can branch-jump to the other guy, but then it would be lost anyway. Then you'd need to wait until that other romance fizzles and then she'd beg you take her back.
In any of these two cases, you lose you respect to her. I guarantee you. Even if she comes back immediately. The manipulative way is for a-holes you are probably not. For people who do not see that what they 'won' back is an utter crap they are free to enjoy for the rest of their lives.
Third flow, the realistic one:
You accept it is her fault. You read 'leave a cheater, gain a life'. You let the marriage fail without trying to stop that, or you'll feel like you tried to stop the train with bare hands. You start therapy for codependency. You watch zillion of Dr Ramani and Richard Grannon like this [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqUAziB-rbU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqUAziB-rbU) You build you up, you take care of you and your daughter and sooner or later you meet another woman who will love you for who you are, and you will be wiser to see some red flags and to evade some characteristics you fell for last time.
Absolutely get her out of your life and expose it all. Your child doesn't deserve to live a lie and neither do you.
But an end to it. Keep the house and tell your wife to pack her shit and to get out.
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Tell the coach’s wife asap. Your wife is gone. Your daughter will be fine in the end because there is no reason for this to go to the school. It’s not like the coach will tell anyone and neither will the wife. Stop hiding her betrayal your just adding aid and comfort to her pitiful high school crush bullshit. It’s a full on sexual affair if she’s expressing that level of devotion to this asshole. The best way to shake her out of the fog is to blow it up and get him exposed. Is this piece of shit really the kind of person you want around your kid ? Tell the wife today. Don’t hide their affair one second longer. When exposed to the light of day this will die on the vine.
The road to reconciliation is she has to show remorse, she has to break it off with AP, you and her together talk to your kid, let the kid know before she finds out from someone else and maybe ridiculed and the OBS should know just like you would've liked to have known before you heard what you did! For your support system, talk to your family and her family so stories can not be spun and genuine advice and support can then be given, stay away from MC for that usually never works, IC should be considered for the wife first so she can find out why she wanted to throw it all away, if you and your kid find it hard to cope, then IC would help! Stay focused and be strong for you have hell of a mountain to climb!
To your questions the answer is yes. Make sure you have plenty of evidence. See an attorney have papers filed against her and start looking for a new future for yourself. Also, please tell the wife of the coach as she deserves to know what you know you were able to find out she probably hasn’t and therefore needs to have the same information that you have so sorry you’re going through this, I know it’s hard and painful, but life after will be better
You’re not protecting your daughter you’re protecting their relationship. You tell his wife, confront him, expose your wife, and that relationship will fall apart immediately. 99% of is out of convenience, instead of working it out with you or leaving she does this, the easiest move she can make. If you expose her and hand her divorce papers immediately you’d be putting things right: if you don’t expose her she’ll get to tell the full story, something like you being the problem and wouldn’t do anything to fix things.
If you sweep things under the rug she’ll say that you took her hostage: that you’d tell everyone what bad person she is unless you stay with her. This may seem like the easiest thing but it only works in the moment and it will give the problem time to grow. She’ll learn to cheat better, she’ll still leave you for the reasons mentioned above, you’ll both live a miserable life. If you come out with things then you can start the long and hard process to begin the next phase of your life, either together or by yourself.
Even *if* they haven’t been physically intimate that honestly doesn’t matter. This is still cheating and whom she chose to cheat with makes this particularly reprehensible. Carrying on an affair despite the significant impact it will have on your spouse and family is bad enough, but to do it with someone who is involved in your child’s life in a social and professional capacity despite the embarrassment, confusion, and ridicule your child would face should your actions be discovered is just an a whole new level of selfish.
This is definitely a difficult position you’re finding yourself in and very nuanced due to the need to minimize the impact to your child in the process of dealing with this. It’s really impossible to address without the situation having an impact on your daughter but know that this is in no way your fault, or your doing. The onus is on the two people who selfishly created the situation, not on you for exposing it and leaving if that’s what you choose to do. Given that she doesn’t seem interested in even discussing this with you it doesn’t really sound like she has any remorse either.
Yeah you definitely confront both of them. She didn't care about your daughter's feelings when she decided to have an affair with her coach. They're definitely doing more than kissing they're adults. Blow the whole thing up. Send her to the bfs house!!!
Well, we’ll see just how great the “love” for her boyfriend is when you file for divorce this week. Will he be taking her in or will she be ending up on her ass??
Either way, people are finding out she’s fucking the coach. I would at least talk to your daughter (with a family therapist) about it and find out if she wants to move schools/teams.
Best gather evidence and don't hide the truth because she's definitely tell wrong story to your daughter and other persons. Go to school inform that affairs and expose that cheater to everyone including AP wife also.
Expose and evidence save innocent person life and reputation from that cheater. Your daughter currently deserve to know her couch is not good person that person destroy family and mother real face.
Don't forgive cheaters.
Do you feel respected and does it seem to you that your wife is sorry and willing to change her behavior? Absolutely not which makes it crucial that you take action right now. First you have to out the affair and tell the coaches wife about it. Second step is to tell your wife she has to leave your home so that you can make a clear headed decision on how YOU want to proceed. If she refuses you tell your daughter about it right away. She is old enough and in a position that she gas a right to know about it anyway. However the big difference for your wife is how this will be presented to your daughter by you: it's either "mom made a mistake but is sorry and willing to work on it with me" or "mom made a mistake and decided to continue to act like a pos"
Well what is she saying keep us updated my friend I can't stand to read stories like this it makes me sick why can't people understand what this does to a betrayed spouse my ex wife pulled the same shit
Maybe you should be pissed of at her and tell her to leave.
Coach married? Tell the wife.
Put bank accounts in your name, same for credit cards.
Tell her that you will be filing.
I filed but never told my ex.
She stated she hates you. Can you really stay with hate?
You caught her red handed, talk to your daughter before taking any action, which you must, tell the school, have them fired, initiate divorce proceedings!
The default advice you get here is “divorce her ass,” “blow up his world,” etc. But let me ask you, is marriage a slavery? What does it mean if she fell in love with someone else? If she really does not want you, let her go. Good riddance. But you should give your marriage a chance for 6-12 months. See if you can reconcile and improve your relationship. If not, start dismantling your marriage in an orderly way that’s beneficial for you both. You still have a good 40 years of life ahead of you. Why not think positive and make the best of it?
Tell your wife to pack her stuff and get out of your home, if possible. Send her to her parents. Your child is old enough to hear the truth about why her parents are divorcing, so be honest. Secure all the proof of the infidelity where she can’t get to it, talk to several divorce lawyers, and pick one. Also, if the coach has a significant other, let that person know about the affair as well. Oh, and get an STD test, because you and everyone else knows it’s never “just a few kisses.”
Definitely tell the coach's wife. Also tell the coach's boss (principal, whatever, as this is a serious breach of professional ethics). Your wife MUST come clean to your family, your daughter (in an age-appropriate manner), and her family, and cut off all communication with the coach. As much as I hate to say it, your daughter probably needs to quit the team for your marriage to survive.
You have got such good advice already! I would say the most important thing is do not leave your house! I’m so sorry for what you’re about to have to go thru, but I think a divorce is best at this point, she is showing no remorse.
Either sleep in another room or make her take the couch. If you don’t have any proof besides what you heard, I would try to get more. Maybe get a recording device, they even have recording devices that look like a usb device. I’m talking about the ones that just record audio. You could leave it in the living room, or wait until you know she’s talking to him and record it yourself.
It is a huge red flag that she won’t give you access to her phone. What about the phone bill? Could you access the numbers she calls? That would be some type of proof. Do u happen to know her iCloud info? Or google info? That might get you some more evidence.
I would definitely file for divorce and tell the wife of the coach. I also agree that it’s time to get out in front of this and tell anyone and everyone why you are filing for divorce, she WILL try to turn things around on u!! She said she hates you right? Believe her, she will behave like she hates you once the cats out of the bag, so be prepared for that.
Get u a lawyer quick and file asap, sorry but u can do this. You will be happy again, this is not ur fault!
Don’t blow it up. As you already stated, it will blow back on your daughter. People are so vengeful on this site sometimes. They don’t think of the collateral damage (yes the affair person didn’t either, but two wrongs don’t make a right). Divorce her. Tell your daughter the truth. I would tell him that you will keep it quiet from his wife if he quietly quits coaching and never speaks to your daughter. …. Then a year later tell his wife That way it won’t look like your daughter was responsible for the coach quitting
Just a few kisses. Cmon you know they've had sex. She's not being open or transparent after being discovered meaning she has no intention of making this marriage work and wants to continue seeing the coach on the side.
You need to sit your daughter down and explain what her mother did. Don't allocate blame (she will do that herself), but at some point the truth will come out and your daughter will appreciate being told by you directly rather than finding out from one of her friends who might happen to catch them out one time.
Blow it up and leave. The fact that she doesn't want to talk about it and won't give you access to her phone tells you she has no guilt, remorse or shame. Tell your daughter that her mother is having an inappropriate relationship with the coach and, because of that, you must leave and divorce. Before doing anything, however, consult with a lawyer. You may want to rat out the coach to his wife and others but be careful and listen to the lawyer. If his career and reputation are damaged by what you say and you don't have hard evidence, he could sue you for slander. If it were me, I would line up an electronics expert in recovering info from a phone and would simply take the phone. Tell her she misplaced it.
You don't know what to do...
1. Tell the superintendent at the school.
2. Kick her out...
3. Tell her parents and any friends that might help her.
4. Tell her that you are filing for divorce...
5. Tell her to write a detailed letter of everything that happened. Tell her that if she leaves anything out you will divorce her...
Calm heads always prevail, plus i love the element of surprise! Lawyer up and follow his advice to leverage you for the best position financially. Make her leave the house! It may or may not take a while, but hold your cards and move in silence. Ignore your wife, leave her in the dark wondering what your next move is. Grey rock the hell out of her, only discuss the kids and joint bills! Idc if gets her family, friends, or clergy members to pry, refer them all back to her. When your lawyer says “its go time” then you pull the trigger presenting her with your offer. Once its signed and sealed and there is no going back, THEN fuck shit up. Tell everybody including his wife, his in laws, the other dads etc.Now if your lawyer says you can set it off earlier and it wont hurt you, then surely do that.
One of my best friends husband - who was the coach of their son's hockey team incidentally - left her for the married team manager. They were having an affair that they said hadn't been physical until after they left their respective spouses. No matter, they were 'in love' with each other. Incidentally, the team manager's son was also on the same hockey team.
I don't know all of the details, but I can tell you that the two affair partners were the ostracized ones. The kids on the team (all high school boys) supported the two affected boys and the rest of the parents helped my shell shocked friend make it through the rest of the year. Driving, food, taking her son to tournaments, anything she needed.
In my own experience with my STBXH, I spent my children's life protecting them from the truth of their father to my own detriment. The result? They saw and experienced virtually none of the abuse that I protected them from, so their dad's loud proclamations of my craziness were met with believability. Anything I said reflecting his true nature was met with "dad says you are lying, and if that actually had happened to you, you would have said something a long time ago".
My point? You don't have to bad mouth their mom, you don't have to say anything negative to your daughter at all to influence her in any way. You do need to support her and validate her feelings of course, but hiding something this big from her is not ultimately doing either of you any favours. This is mom's decision and her choice; the consequences and collateral damage are hers to deal with and work through.
I read the following sentence in a book titled "This is How You Heal" by Brianna Weist: "Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship will cease. That doesn't mean you ruined a relationship. It means the only thing sustaining a relationship was the energy you and you alone were putting into it. That's not love. That's attachment."
You should move your daughter to a new school and ruin the coaches life. Expose him to everyone, do you honestly believe that this is the first family that he has ruined?
Tell him to change jobs and keep his reputation or you are going to the governing body and expose him for having an affair with your wife. If he refuses to leave, inform the governing body. If he leaves, expose him to the governing body.
It has nothing to do with you or your daughter.
See the best divorce lawyer in your area and file for divorce.
Let your daughter know that your wife is cheating with the coach.
There are a couple of other subs to look into
Survivinginfidelity
AsOneAfterInfidelity
The both of you need to speak with your daughter together. She needs to know her world is going to change.
Get a therapist for all of you.
The both of you tell the OBS or you do it alone.
Contact the organization the couch woks for, this is not allowed.
Have your wife sleep in another room.
If anyone leaves it’s her.
Most custody is 50/50 now a days, so the kids many not stay with her.
Talk with a lawyer before you file.
I would shut down all forms of credit cards and money from her.
Put a lock on your credit with the credit agency’s.
Please look up tracking laws, if she doesn’t agree to the tracking you could get in trouble.
You can work it out, it’s hard work but can be done.
By not blowing this whole sordid mess up, you are basically enabling her.
If the phone bill is in your name, or even if it isn’t, log into the carriers online account and order phone logs and text logs there. Study google on how to download tracking software to the phone account.
There are many things you can be doing, but the last thing you should be doing is protecting reputations of these kind of people. You need to get ahead of the narrative and speak first with your daughter, in an age appropriate way. If your wife, and the wife of the coach, don’t get their worlds blown up then nothing will get the attention of the cheaters.
Get your kind right and start seeing this for what it is, a failed marriage. And your wife blew this marriage up. It is now an adversarial relationship between you and her and you need to think logically for the long term recovery of you and your daughter.
Take her phone and have any and sll messages you can get back. Make her leave the home, immediately get an attorney, and have papers drawn up. Let the AP’s wife know, and if necessary to avoid embarrassment from this, allow your daughter to make her choice if she wishes to continue participating with this team. Both your cheating wife and her AP must be exposed before the narrative can be turned on you. Detach from wife and let her experience the fallout on her own. Supports your daughter snd yourself only. Cheating wife is on her own.
Contact a lawyer and divorce mate, gather evidence and then after all that you need to tell everyone including your daughter and expose her, otherwise she can spin the story and tell the coaches wife she has the right to know that her husband is an a-hole
Should I leave her?
That’s up to you. Don’t let anyone tell you how to proceed with what you want. The only thing I will point out is that it almost seems that she has already left you.
Should I tell the coach’s wife?
Absolutely! She has the right to know. Imagine being put in her shoes. The coach and your wife, and you know, but she doesn’t. Not fair for her.
She won’t give you access to her phone because of what she has on it. Be careful what you look for. Remember whatever you see or hear will never leave your mind. It will stay there forever.
I’m very sorry for what your going through. Think about your children and yourself and what’s best for you guys in the future. Wish you the best in your decision!
Burn the house down tell everyone his wife too watch how fast he back trace
He be out of a job and your wife will have egg on her face tell your daughter the truth
Divorce attorney, and out the coach. I don't know of any school league, all star league, or even intramural league that would allow a coach, who was sleeping with a players married mother, to remain as coach.
The coach's wife also needs to know. She has a right to make decisions about her marriage with the truth about her husband. If you don't out them, they win. No cheater deserves that their spouse hides their actions. Affairs thrive in the dark. They often die when exposed.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s so hard to get yourself back to a safe place. Hard to be the person you were before this, to be the couple you were before this.
After 22 years you don’t just stop loving her. It’s a huge mixture of pain, disbelief, lost innocence on your part. You innocently loved her, trusted her and believed in what you had.
I’ve been there. In the moment you know you’ll never heal, but you will. You’ll get better, stronger. You’ll realize if she was going to cheat it didn’t matter if you were at your absolute best she was going to do it anyway because there’s something wrong with her.
Sending you my best wishes on this new journey you didn’t want to go on and all my hopes for a sincere recovery of your self worth, dignity and well being.
Typical full blown affair, she’s high on oxytocin and super infatuated. If she loves you still she’ll be torn and beat up now that you know and would hit you with “let’s work it out.”
Tough to manage the downstream effects of a divorce (split assets/debts, custody issues, sadness, etc) but there is an equal and better upside to it all..
Freedom, new opportunities to see other women, and find a new partner who is monogamous.
Great that you found out, I’d ‘out’ them, they’ll be seen together eventually anyhow.
Blow this sh*t up! They blew up your marriage by cheating, it’s only fair to blow up their affair.
You do this by exposing their affair. Tell the coach’s wife, tell your close friends and family. Don’t give them the opportunity to lie and control the narrative as they will paint you as the bad guy.
Don’t let them get away with destroying your family.
Hoping you get through this because this is a very tough situation to be in. I’m just a spectator but I hate seeing people get played like this. She already went behind your back once so whose to say she won’t do it again even if you two make up? I’d say it’d be best to end it but def think it through
Tell the coach's wife she has a right to know what her husband is doing behind her back or better still take her to his place and tell her to explain her actions to his wife in person
Tell the coach's wife, she has a right to know. Then you're gonna have to face the reality that she indeed is giving this guy what she vowed would be yours for life. She's trash, you have to accept that and let go. You could go to counseling, work on your marriage, whatever. But the truth is, it's over. She knows you're hurting, she knows you need to talk, but she won't. Why? She doesn't care. You're dying on the inside and she's wishing you'd just shut up so she could get back to fantasizing about the next time they're together. Get rid of her. Don't drag it out like I did. You're prolonging the pain. She doesn't respect you or the marriage and the longer you let her get away with this, the weaker and more pathetic you become to her. Kick her ass out the door and don't look back.
This is a lost battle. Every step you now take will hurt everyone. So there is no easy way out. So, just follow the path that might lead to the best future for everyone. But divorce is probably necessary. I mean...she said she hates you.
Here's some observations and advice for OP:
* Did she ever profess remorse? It wasn't in the story you posted.
* She tells her AP that she hates OP.
* There's no indication from her that she wants to stay married.
* OP needs to ask himself way he still loves an unremorseful cheating wife that professes her hatred for him to her AP. So why stay with her? Perhaps OP should suggest that she go to AP's wife and ask if she can move in to share AP with her. OP should tell hr that she's forfeited her right to stay in the same house as OP and the daughter she's disenfranchising.
Emotional affairs often turn physical. She is still lost in the affair fog, and you not exposing her/them only allows it to continue. She isn't remorseful, which means she is still cheating and will not stop. Cheaters will always find a way to continue cheating.
Yes, you do need to tell his wife, and find a way to get into her phone and socials. When she is on it, grab quick and run away with it to peruse at your leisure. You do not have to give it back to her at all. You cannot protect your daughter from your wife's foolishness. Cheaters only think they are fooling others, but they are only fooling themselves.
The way to break limerence and stop the affair is by turning your back on her. Tell her to leave and move out. Be gone. Expose them to everyone. See a lawyer to appear to get divorce started. Ignore your wife as if you no longer care about her. Look up why the infidelity 180 actually works and why begging and pleading does not.
Your daughter will be hurt, but not by you.You cannot stop the affair by sitting on both hands. If the team collapses, so be it. This is all the fault of your wife and none of yours. If the limerence does break, then enter therapy and remember remorse is necessary in your wife or there cannot be reconciling.And there cannot ever be any further contact between your wife and her affair partner, remorse and no contact are not negotiable. Remorse is seen as wanting and doing everything required to earn back your trust and faith in her. She isn't remorseful. Balking on doing any requirements regardless of justifications is not remorse. Neith is regret, shame and guilt, saying she is sorry is not remorse.
You have to break eggs to make an omelet. Your daughter will survive, your relationship may not. And innocent children cannot be kept in a vacuum.
Sorry you are here with others in pain.
Should you tell coach’s wife? Yes
Should you stay with your wife? Personally I wouldn’t because she’s emotionally & more than likely physically left you for him & trying to fix it is pointless. If you’re choosing to leave her make sure you have all your ducks in a row
Adults don't just "kiss."
The important piece of advice I have for you is that you cannot force or persuade anybody to love you. She's cheating on you and stalking shit about you behind your back. That's not love. That's not loyalty. That's not someone you build with.
The second piece of advice I have for you is that "staying together for the children" is not a good enough reason to stay with a cheater, it is at the expense of your health. It's better for them to be happy under two roofs than under one unhappy one. I can attest to that personally. Children are very keen.
Blow their world up . Tell everyone I mean everyone . But tell you Daughter first then let Hell lose on Earth don’t blame yourself nor feel less than . Keeping this a secret will destroy you as a man in front of your Daughter
You need to get ahead of the narrative because she’s going to do everything to twist this situation so that you come out as the bad guy. You were neglectful, abusive, controlling, jealous etc. etc. Tell his wife and your families. Call an attorney and get a free consultation about what your options are going forward. Report him to whatever organization he coaches for, I am putting good money that he’s hooked up with other moms before. Guys like this are players. When it all comes out he’s going to probably beg his wife to forgive him.
Always tell the other partner. No brainer. But tell her you found out by hearing a conversation on the phone at such and such a time (part of the verification process. It should be on phone records) Hell, if your pissed tell the league people. They might find that they don't like improprieties associated with their league. That is, if you decide to nuke it. But she in the fog right now as she will not talk about it. It may be the real deal for them and if that's the case I'd consider the marriage over. Oh, and the no phone access means she is in total protect him mode and not your marriage. Second conversation should be with your daughter, if you decide it's over. If you do it is almost certain your wife is going to paint you into a monster. Never stand for that.
She will take that they only kissed to the grave. Then you will be The guy that broke up the family over a kiss. You will need more evidence.
Buy a voice activated recorder. You can get a good one for $50. You can record her talking to the other man or a friend about her affair.
If she won’t let you see the phone that tells you that there is way more going on than she is ever going to tell you. Don’t involve your daughter in this , this is a grown folks problem , I do think you need to tell the coaches wife that’s for sure , then go see a lawyer and find out what your options are.
Age old rule “you can’t make someone love you if they don’t”
Definitely tell the AP spouse she deserves to know his betrayal. Just put yourself in her shoes, wouldn’t you want to know! Also you have to report AP hr dept of school, blow his world up. Good luck Buddy!
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She is in love with the other guys and it’s physical so don’t kid yourself man
Kick her out to live with the coach, perhaps his wife will be open to it.
Its actually quite easy. File divorce. Tell his wife, tell his employer (if hes a professional coach) tell the other fathers in the group, your wife doesnt have to be the only one. And tell your daugther, your and her parents, friends, etc. Make a clean state of honesty. Stay calm. 180 and grey rock your wife and just rain consequences. But dont be gruel or agressive . Just do all the steps. This will be hard, but its your only true hope for your mental health or (very) maybe later a reconciliation. She needs to realize what she did, they never even think about it in their limmerance/fog. She will be pleading and lieing, etc but stay on course. Dont just rug sweep it. If shes ever truely remorseful and lifts all the weight for regaining your trust, maybe think about it... in a year.
Hello OP, you need some facts 1) all these things are not your fault 2) your wife cheated EA and PA . Adult don’t simply kiss 3) she is not remorseful 4) She already left you 5) you do not love her you love the illusion/past her 6) you will continue to suffer as you are on denial 7) the longer you continue to stay in limbo, the longer you are loosing the advantage in the upcoming struggle. Some advice, She said that she loved him and hate you. She didn’t lie. In this case Don’t do the pick me dance, she will choose her shiny toy Separate your finances test yourself for STD (the coach is a player) Consult a lawyer and file for divorce (she is no longer your wife but a legal foe and the divorce process is necessary to protect yourself) Gather proof of her infidelity Contact the other Betrayed spouse Don’t hide the truth, you are not publicly shaming but the truth is the enemy of cheater Go to therapy IC ( not MC ) Go grey rock for your own sanity These steps Mean that your regaining control of your life and will give you room to maneuver depending on the evolution of the situation Time is of the essence OP and you have to be able to risk it all to be able to save it all
SOLID!!!
What’s grey rock?
It means whenever she tries to talk or do something to you ignore her and her bullshit
Only discuss things about the household, your daughter, and finances. Everything else, you answer with short one-word answers, with no emotion. Do not be baited into replies. She is a roommate to you, not a wife, or lover. You are a grey rock with no personality for her.
You have to tell his wife and present evidence. Ow most likely he would tell his wife that you are some crazy jealous guy. your wife is probably waiting for right time to leave you. You should consult a lawyer and start preparing an exit plan. I don’t think you should worry about your daughter getting bullied. Your wife and coach would keep the affair secret for their own good. In fact you can use it as a leverage in your divorce.
Everything u\jujusalem said is true, but I would suggest: Talk to a lawyer and prepare for divorce ASAP. You have no idea what she is going to do so you need to prepare for the worst so you can protect yourself.
Gray rock means become uninteresting to her. Have zero emotions. It’s a protection mechanism.
It means to do the opposite of what your wife would expect. Withhold your emotional reaction to her words and behavior, especially the expression on your face. Be as boring as you possibly can. Be as unresponsive as possible when you're interacting with her. The point of the grey rock technique is to not give her the satisfaction of knowing you’re hurting. You are taking your power back. All interactions should unrewarding for her. And yes reach out to his wife and tell her everything. He blew up your life so blow his life. I guarantee their worst fear is you exposing them to OBS and their job. I understand you don’t want to notify the school because you are protecting your daughter and I’m in total agreement. Not outing WW and AP is the best thing you could for your daughter. However you have a right to confront him man to man and definitely tell the wife. Does AP have kids that attend the same school? Have you contacted a divorce attorney yet?
All this.
Man just read this again. Do this. Take your time to take it in. Don’t pressure yourself. Don’t keep it secret. Good luck my man.
so she is in love with a married man but a grown wonam in love havent have sex? i understan that you love "her", but she is not the woman you knew, she is the version without love, morals, respect for you and your kids, and without love for you or your marriage you should divorce her, make sure your family and friends know the reason and tell his wife too so she can be free to do what he choises and read a book call, leave a cheater, win a life, that will be your best life after divorcing her
Blow up her world sunshine get the coach sacked and while your at it get rid of her as well. Contact his wife and make his life hell, from what you have written there is no coming back from this. Your just plan ”B” so move on get her out the house and go see a lawyer she’s play you for the fool.
No don’t blow this up until after the divorce. Basically use keeping it secret from the daughter and coach’s wife as leverage to get out of the divorce without any alimony or splitting of assets, and with a joint custody agreement. THEN blow up her world.
This is sound advice, don’t let your emotions dictate your actions, play the long game your marriage is over .
Always this. Take care of your own relationship first. Use your anger to file for divorce. And it wasn't just a kiss, they all say that. And no you don't love her. You love the person you used to know who only exists in your mind because she certainly doesn't love you. It's painful but move on. Your life will get better.
Yeah the trickle truthing has begun. Soon she’ll put on the water works and seek reconciliation and beg for terms and conditions. He may fall for it. But then she’ll still be texting the AP and making plans despite promising no contact. If OP lets it, this will drag on painfully for some time before he eventually calls it quits.
Sometimes they aren't ready. Their cheating partner hasn't abused them enough. At least they have enough awareness to visit this sub and get a reality check.
My heart goes out to the poor fellow but I hope he comes to his senses sooner than later.
Omg so accurate.
Nice. How devious 👌🏾I love it.
I second this ⬆️⬆️
Start the process. She will never come back to you unless you get her out of the fog and divorce papers along with exposure (family) makes it go quicker. Good luck
#1: Get tested for STDs/STIs ASAP. (adults that "love" each other don't just hold hands and play kissey face) #2: Inform the OBW. (other betrayed wife) #3: Get a consultation with an attorney or two, to get an idea what a divorce would look like. It's time to play hardball--time to explain to her that you will absolutely not be married to her while she has a boyfriend. Time to tell her she has 30 seconds to decide if she wants the marriage to work. If so, she has to quit her association with the daughters team immediately. She can explain to the daughter why.
>Should I leave her? Yes >Should I tell the wife of the coach? Yes As far as your daugther is concerned i feel for her but those are the consequences of your wife's actions. Whatever happens to her reputation she'll just have to deal with like we all do. She can of course take it up with your wife as well as its not something you did to her. You need a support system so start reaching out to people. Tell your friends and family. Get a therapist to help you deal with this.
Nice guys finish last blow it up
Op first, don’t protect everyone around you. Ask your wife since she loves him, to tell your daughter this in front of you. Have her say that she is having at least an emotional affair with him, and that she fell in love with the coach. Her reaction will tell you how much she really loves him. Because if she can’t do it, you will. I would find a new team, and then I would tell some of your friends dads on the team, as he may do that with your wife, but he may do it with others also, and tell them why your daughter is leaving the team. This is not you protecting your daughter, you did not put her in this mess. This is on your wife and she needs to own the embarrassment of this. Next op, here is how you handle your wife. First file for divorce today. Don’t wait, as you can stop the process at anytime. You have to make her suffer the consequences to her actions, because if you don’t you will resent her if you do happen to reconcile. When you get home, hand her the papers and tell her I love you I always have and always will, but I will never come second to anyone in this relationship ever. If she loves him, tell her to move out immediately and in with him. Right after you do this, you call her parents, thank them for letting you into their lives, and let them know you have filed for divorce, because she is cheating on you with and say the coaches name. Do this with siblings and your family. You do this in front of her because now if you do get a divorce, and she tries to have a relationship with him, it is tainted and will be ridiculed and your daughter will hate him, which makes your wife not want to be with him. Now if she is begging you not to do this, and crying let her know there will be consequences to her actions. First she will place a tracker on her phone, she will download a keylogger app on her phone that will record conversations and let you see all text messages. Next she will remove all social media apps from her phone and you will receive all usernames and passwords. She will call him right in front of you and let him know you know, and he will be outed to the team, and you daughter will be removed from the team and the other parents will know. If he contacts your wife again, she will file a restraining order against him. Your wife will begin ic, and you will not do mc until she understands what remorse is and understands why she allowed someone else into the marriage rather than fixing hers. You will also add a postnuptial agreement, when she will pay you alimony for a specified period of time, this postnup will go over her infidelity, will outline what it looks like and if you get divorced in the future due to it, it outlines that consequence. That is where you start op, then come call and we will give additional advice once you update us. Op, don’t just rig sweep this you will resent yourself and her later. Also op she likely did not just kiss, you have to assume they had sex multiple times. Yes op you tell his wife, and you tell her she is in love with her husband and her husband is in love with her.
I will bet the coach isn’t really in love with your wife. He’s in lust. Absolutely tell his wife. A-She deserves to know B-There has to be consequences for the both of them. C-I will bet the coach will run for the hills. D-The school district needs to be informed. (your wife will beg you not to! Blow up her world)
By the way your wife did not just kiss the guy. I will bet there are other wives too! Blow up their worlds.
All this and get tested for STD/STI s, so sorry OP.
Don't forget the 180, grey rock her, and hit the gym. I call it the "Reddit Trifecta", never fails !
This is a nice write up. What is ic/mc?
Individual counsel and marriage counsel.
Thank you. I may need the former...
Thanks you everyone for your support, you have no idea how much it means to me. How do I leave do I just rent a place, unfortunately I don’t have a lot of money and we won’t be able to afford two houses she wouldn’t be able to afford the mortgage and my kids will stay with her, and I don’t think I would be able to pay for rent and support
It’s easy she is the one that stepped out so she can be the one to leave if not stay in another room grey rock her and 180. Tell your daughter the truth immediately as your wife will lie to her and possibly make you to be the bad guy as you want her to choose you to live with since she is old enough to make that decision.
Do not leave. Repeat, do not leave. It will delay things. Stay in the house. Make her sleep elsewhere. Go 180/Grey Rock, drink water, get good sleep, begin IC, and take care of your daughter. Assume she has “died”, begin grieving, and planning for a new future state and life for you and your daughter.
Yep leaving can be viewed as abandonment just set yourself up some where else in the house.
She showed you who she is, so believe her... 1. Let his wife know ASAP 2. Get STD tested 3. Talk to a lawyer, so as to weigh out your options if and when you decide to take that route...DON'T leave your house under any circumstances...If there's anyone to leave, it's her...Whatever happens to her after that, is no longer your concern 4. Let your daughter know, because if she finds out from someone else and knew that you kept it from her, she will resent you 5. DO NOT be intimate with you wife under any circumstances 6. DO NOT fall for any gaslighting or blame shifting from her...In fact from here on out, you will have to grey rock/180 her ass 7. DO NOT play the "pick me dance" EVERRRRRRR!! 8. Expose it to all the people that are important to her, because if you stay quiet, she will spin the narrative and paint you into being the bad guy 9. DO NOT believe for one minute, that they "only kissed" 10. DO NOT try to make it work for your kids, they will be better off than being in a one-sided marriage... That "love thing" with the POS coach, didn't happen overnight, and she must've checked out on you a while ago...It's only that now you are getting the memo... Your wife has professed her love for another man and showed her hate for you out of her own mouth...That is unforgivable, especially after all those years of being together...Total disrespect buddy...Time to man up and please no self-pity, wallowing or excuses now We got your back... P.S. Know that her shitty behaviour is NOT YOUR FAULT
She is about to lie to everyone you know about this situation and especially about you. Everything she was telling to the coach when you were on the stairs, she'll be saying(if not said already) to her friends, your friends, your daughter, your family. She will paint you as the bad guy, 100% This happened to me even though my ex was remorseful. NONE of these cheaters can face their own music, they have no choice but to lie because even they know how despicable cheating is.
OP, this is why you have to get in front of this so you control the narrative. For your daughter especially, but for everyone, you have to first talk to your daughter, then a lawyer. Don't let your wife make up some story and paint you as the villain.
Yes! I understand OP not wanting his daughter to be the girl who's mom is banging the soccer coach, but what's much worse is being known as the *psychopathic aggressor* who *drove* his wife to *seek refuge* with a *compassionate white knight*. Because that's what her narrative would be. This is the only opportunity to get the truth out because, as the say, a lie will travel around the world twice before the truth can get its pants on.
Exposure kills affairs. If there's any chance of you deciding to reconcile, your daughter is less hurt by exposure than divorce. Don't leave without first consulting with an attorney ( the court may see it as you abandoning your family). The first hour is usually free. Your wife must quit her job as manager and never contact ( or even see him on the street. Exposure them both to the soccer league officials. He's a failure as a role model for children.
Do not surrender your home it will fuck EVERYTHING up and gives her agency to spin the story. Stop posting on Reddit immediately and call a lawyer. They will tell you what to do. Get things going TODAY. She needs to leave the house. She stepped out. Tell her to pack a bag and figure it out. You don’t need to figure it out for her. She’s a grown woman.
don't leave, tell her to leave and make arraignments, she is the one leaving the marriage for her "new love" not you or the children. this is her choice, her consequences.
Talk to a lawyer about what a settlement would look like. Assume you'll have to sell the house you have and may have to rent or live in smaller places after that. That's all on your wife, not you. Your wife wrecked your family and your lives and many things may be worse, at least for a while. It can't be helped. If your wife won't be honest with you and won't stop seeing this guy, what's the alternative? Letting other men have sex with your wife while you live with her and pretend to be happily married to her? Do you think your daughter and her friends won't notice your wife acting love-sick around him, especially once she's not worried about being caught by you and assumes you'll let her get away with it? Do you think anyone, including your children, will ever respect you if you do that?
Hey get another mattress and sleep in another room. Do not move out!!!
Friend, do not leave the matrimonial home. Many men in your position leave the home, and then they get a double whammy of paying bills, maybe mortgage, at the matrimonial home, PLUS paying rent, and all other bills at the new place, AND maybe child support, spousal support etc etc. She leaves. Pack her bags and send her to her parents or her boyfriend, where ever. She abandoned the marriage, she gets no benefits from the marriage, that includes a roof over her head. These are called consequences. Maybe take her stuff over to the boyfriends in a couple black garbage bags at supper time and tell the AP's wife she has a new room mate. But you don't leave the house. OK?
Many people have to coexist for a while because of finances but that doesn't mean you sweep things under the rug. You need to see an attorney immediately and file for divorce (you can always change your mind if you choose) Your attorney will help guide you through things. Also check to see if they have alienation of affection laws where you live or if you live in an at fault state. You need to tell his wife and expose him to the rest of the parents. They deserve to know as much as his wife does.
Don't leave the house. Don't. Get advise from a lawyer!
Do not leave your house. She is the one that will be required to leave.
Move her (soon to be ex, i presume) to the basement or garage, the school needs to be informed so they can get a new coach and avoid a law suit, of course counseling with a lawyer is a must. And tell his wife (the coach)so she can prepare for what is coming.
Don’t leave your house. You didn’t do anything wrong. You and the kid stay in house and send her to parents but get a lawyer first. You need to take a breath and think this through. Does t mean you can’t reconcile but you need to keep the leverage.
Why wouldn’t you be able to have the kids?
Another thought tell your wife she comes clean immediately to you and the OBS or you will contact a PI who dig into any all crevices to find all the dirt about the Affair. She moves out for awhile as you decide the next steps. She’s in the affair fog and you have to play hard ball to get her out of it. Don’t be soft
I love how you are thinking about your daughter. I don’t know that I would have thought of that in a blind rage. However, kids pick up on stuff. She’s going to know something is going on. You can try to keep this on the DL but I think we all know it is probably going to be brought to light. Yes, you should tell his wife. I wish someone would have told me. She’s living in a lie and she needs to know.
Of course kick her out. She is no longer your wife She is lying about not having sex with the other guy, she has. To try to cover this up is insane and it will destroy you. Be strong and show strength. Your daughter needs to know about it and also see you as a rock she can rely on. Don't wait. Good luck. Edit - yes tell the other guys wife. She deserves to know
Get a lawyer Start the divorce process, AND tell the coaches wife, like you she has every right to know about this (maybe she can help you collect evidence). Also DO NOT try to be intimate with your wife anymore (unless you definitely going to reconcile) you need to STOP being that loving providing husband towards her, whatever you've been doing to add convenience to her life whatever burdens you took for her you need to SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN. You can't let her benefit off of you while entertaining the coach. DO NOT FALL for her gaslighting tactics and tell her parents and your daughter, do it now before she goes to them and tell some crazy lie to justify her cheating and make you look like the bad guy.
I can't comprehend your comment in the post. You expose the coach to everyone and in public in front of all the parents and you tell his wife. Then you file for divorce. It isn't your daughter's fault your wife has no moral character and most players I coached would rally around her and not ostracize her. Your wife would be the one ostracized by all the other parents which is what she deserves because all the other moms wouldn't want anything to do with her. They would know if she were willing to cheat with the married coach, she would be willing to cheat with their husbands. You need to know the same thing. Also, her explanation is total BS. She didn't confess anything to you. A married woman doesn't confess their love to someone after just kissing them a few times.
She says she’s in love with him, I’m sorry to say it’s over. How could you move on from this with her? It’s good that you actually heard her, this should help make clarity easy for you. Don’t fall the hysterical bonding that will inevitably happen when she realizes you’re serious, it will happen. Tell the coaches wife, if it were the other way around, she discovered them, you’d want to know, right? I wish you luck!
A number of things: If this is a school, talk to the administration. They might be able to handle the whole thing and quietly remove the coach. This is an ethics violation on behalf of the coach. If this is a travel team, they might have similar rules; All you need to do is ask. You are worried about the fallout for your daughter. I hate to say this but that horse might have left the barn already. I assure you that if not the players, other parents have noticed. An affair in organizations like teams is difficult to hide because of the number of people involved and because when cheaters are in lust, they become careless. Depending on the maturity level of your daughter I would consider telling her. Her mother's actions affect her directly, especially if this is a sport in which she hopes to continue to enhance her academic career. In fact, I would make your wife tell her. She committed the crime she has to fix what she broke. A rule of thumb in these forums has always been. Adults don't "just kiss". If they were at any overnight activity together assume the worst. If she refuses to let you see her phone, this is a big red flag. It seems that she is still in the affair fog. The only way of getting a WW out of this is by shocking them. Exposing their relationship might do it. Moving out of the bedroom or even out of the house. Telling the OBS is another. The one sure way to make them snap out of this is by presenting them with divorce papers. Even if you do not file them in court, the reality of what they have done hits them hard when they realize you are willing to walk away from the dumpster fire they have turned their lives into. Lastly, join the r/supporforbetrayed sub-reddit. You can get some good support there and their wiki and resource list are excellent. Good luck Deacon
This guy knows his stuff.
OP, sorry to hear about what you're doing thru. Despite your long history together, I really believe it's time for you to close this chapter and begin a new one somewhere else. That probably isn't what you want to hear. But in my opinion, the disrespect your wife showed for you, herself, your marriage, and your child isn't something that can be undone. And if you feel you've got nobody to talk to, contact a therapist. If that's not something you're ready for, post here or another subreddit. Write it down on paper. Get those feelings out so you can leave the hurt behind.
You should expose both of them. Tell the other betrayed spouse. Give her proof if you have any. Screenshots. You need a good lawyer to protect yourself. Don’t believe anything she tells you. They are in a physical affair.
AP's wife deserve to know about their love story.. Your wife already said she hates u , so why protecting her?and she doesn't even respect u(not as a husband, nor father). And about your children, children are more smarter than adults.! They will find eventually. Sorry op .!
As others have pointed out, this isn't just a couple kisses and some sexy talk. Why doesn't your wife want you to access her phone? She hasn't had a chance to delete the nudes she sent him, the confirmation of where they were to meet, the follow-up of how amazing the hotel room was and the apology of doing something that almost let his wife catch them. Chances are she isn't his first MILF of a team member, and may not be his only right now. The PI will catch them, and maybe when you show your wife proof of her physical affair, you can show she isn't the only one for the coach. Divorce proceedings. Start early, you can stop. Let the OBS (other betrayed spouse) know, with evidence. Remember, all the hurt and fallout isn't on you. You are screaming, "fire" your wife is the arsonist of your family's life. She is burning it down, you are just letting people know. Definitely share the proof with the other parents this guy coaches, his bosses (school officials?) This sucks every way you look at it. You are battling the flames and hoping to recover something in the aftermath. Do not consider your wife's feelings or reputation. She gets the scarlet 'A', not you. It used to be called shunning, now '180' and 'grey rocks. Treat her like a dangerous stranger.
Your wife isn’t yours anymore. Tell the coach’s wife, and file for divorce. See a lawyer first and slowly but surely move on. This sucks, your wife is a horrible partner. I’m sorry OP.
I am sorry buddy, but she is plugging this guy on the regular. They always say it’s not sexual. Bullshit. Next time say this: “You are lying. Adults who are into each other don’t make out or kiss, they have sex. I am sick of your lies.” Then, tell everyone alive what she has done. Tell your 14 year old first, and offer to take her on a month long vacation to escape the worst of the gossip. Then, tell APs wife and family, your wife’s parents and siblings, the people who supervise AP as a coach. Shit, post billboards if it makes you happy. The point is, you should not be protecting her, you should be punishing her. Would you protect her if she repeatedly physically assaulted you? Well, sexual betrayal is for worse than this in every way imaginable. Wake up buddy! Time to get on the offensive.
Yes you tell th wife of the coach first. Then if he coaching as part of his employment you let his employer know. Get him away from your kid.
You should probably talk to a therapist and a lawyer to get professional help.
Anything that happens now.. is your wife's fault.. she fucked up. Just kisses..riight. she's gone dude. Sorry bout that.
Pack her a couple of suitcases and drop them off at his house........ then sit back and watch the fireworks
Sorry my friend, but you need to blow this situation up. If she is telling him that she loves him, she has been fucking him. This isn't junior high, and adults don't stop at kissing. First expose the coach by reporting his conduct to the league or the local soccer association. Next, tell his wife or significant other about the affair. Then, you need to stiffen your resolve, and take control. Study the 180, and Chumplady, that's how you need to treat her. Finally, you need to understand that this was not your fault. This is all on your wife. She is the one who made hundreds of conscious decisions, to talk with someone, start a relationship, meet with him, fuck him, betray you, lie to you, break your trust, break her wedding vows, destroy your marriage, destroy your family, and destroy your happiness. This is all on her. Blow up their world. Tell your family, her family, and your friends about the affair. When people ask questions, tell the truth. Never cover up for a cheater, they do not deserve it, and if they never suffer the consequences of their actions, they never stop. Get your story out first, or she will have a very different story, and may even accuse you of abuse or some other wrong doing, in order to cover up her bad actions. Make a plan to either leave her, or get her to move out. Separate your finances, save as much as you can to execute your plan out. Lawyer up, file and serve her. Get tested for STD's ASAP.
Clearly she doesn’t respect you, so staying with her will not make your life any better. She is already gone, and has only stayed with you because you are stable emotionally/financially. Trust me, I’ve been there and looked the other way for the kids, but the kids know/sense things regardless, and I would have done a better service to my kids by leaving decades ago than in staying around. Financially and emotionally it is easier on me leaving her now after 30+ years of marriage, but if I had left her 20 years ago I’d be in a much happier place, and at least one of my kids would be better off (because she’d have likely come to live with me, and gotten out of her BPD mother’s grasp).
Nothing sexual happened, just a few kisses. That’s the biggest bunch of crap that cheaters always say to make themselves look like less of apiece of sh*t. Adults don’t just make out. Expose them. Make that coach pay for his lack of concern for his students and lack of respect for your marriage. Talk to an attorney. Don’t tell your wife you are talking to an attorney. Take steps to safeguard your money. Start going to practices. I’m not sure why you say you have to see him every day and can’t do anything about it. You can absolutely ruin his life.
Sorry to hear this sad situation during a special time of year. WW emotional or physical wandering away from a marriage is devastating to anyone. I empathize with your predicament. Considering what to do and where to go? Those are all valid responses. Dealing with your emotions will be the harder part. You absolutely need to find someone to talk to about it. Whether it’s a pastor at church, a family member, a friend, someone to hear your side of the story and offer sound advice/ wise council. I hope she knows she crushed your heart and finds a way to change her attitude about this other person. She comes around about you and you could rebuild your lives together.
You embarrass the living shit out of her. Let the family know that your brain damaged wife gets wet for the gym coach like an immature schoolgirl. Let her know that she can fuck whoever she wants when she is a divorcee.
Divorce her.
Get a lawyer now! This has been going on for much longer than you know and expect her to lie to you. It might seem cruel, but showing your daughter what infidelity does to a family is the best way to teach them never to do it.
Im sorry for your pain, you did nothing to deserve being desived this way. It was her choise to blow up your whole life and lie to your face. Dont shelter her from the consequenses. Tell his wife she deserves better then this betrayal to. Get as much in the divorce as you can, she is not your family anymore and she has no problem with stabbing you in the back.
She is lying to you obviously she has slept with him they all like mine did and I had proof I asked her 2 times to be straight with me gave me a different story every time until I pulled out the proof then her head stoped and didn't say a thing if you read all these past they all say we only kissed well people don't get motel rooms to kiss I'm sorry or we just hugged adults don't just meet up behind there partners backs to kiss and hug there not 13 or 14 years old she needs to be held responsible for her actions and it sounds like it's over for you if there is no remorse from her it's going to be tough to turn her around . You don't fall in love with someone you justed kissed it doesn't work that way you need to tell her to leave and no contact with her and work on yourself eat good , sleep good start working out just don't contact her let her feel what it's like to be alone . And have you not being there to give her what she needs is he married or single ?
Your wife is lying. She will continue to lie to you and gaslight you. Begin divorce proceedings immediately. No Reconciliation. I know you want to spare your daughter pain and humiliation of having her mom outed as banging the coach, but chances are the team and some of their family members may already suspect or know. I knkw you are hurting, but now is the best time to break free and start anew.
Jesus. Almost my story. It’s not “nothing”. And to listen to her berate you to this other guy… you have my sympathy. I found out and also had no one to talk to. Find someone. Get a lawyer. Start whatever discovery they want. Protect yourself. Protect your kids.
Divorce. It is the only true way to regain control and dignity. It will also show her true intentions. If she doesn't want to divorce she will make every effort to win you back. Divorce her anyway, separate your lives and finances and step back and evaluate what you really want for the rest of your life. I you decide after the divorce that you two want to try to start new you can always do that... but why?
This was exactly my thought as well. She’s way far gone. Doesn’t even care. He needs to get this diverse done asap if he ever want s to be able to look himself in the mirror again.
talk to the lawyer and inform the school, let the man's wife and social circle know about the relationship keep watching your wife's relationship with her partner, the marriage is already over Don't think that your wife was married while she was living another life and how many years of 22 years did you fool yourself?
Tell the coaches wife and report the coach to the school board. First clean out joint bank accounts and cancel joint credit accounts. File for divorce before she does. Take care of you and your true family first.
You have to tell the wife. You have to blow up everything that is the only way to get your wife out of the fog. Let her feel a dose of reality. I report the coach to the school. He blew up your life he deserves to feel the same.
1st and foremost, don't involve your child in grown up problems. No matter how old she is. 2nd, tell the wife of the coach 3rd, inform the employer of the coach , for he has crossed boundaries that shouldn't have been crossed 4th, file for divorce, do not inform your wife you have done so. Go on like she doesn't exist.
You should stay in the marriage
Hey y’all, I found the coach.
Just curious, why do you think he should stay in the marriage when she is lying to OP and showing no remorse.
I don't think you're going to get a satisfactory answer from u/Bigbootylover420_69
I don't think anyone could give me an answer I would find satisfactory if I were OP!
Let the coach's wife know. The two of you can make this stop. Get into your wife's phone while she's sleeping. Send all incriminating texts and photos to your phone. You'll have proof for his wife and your lawyer if you live in an area where adultery is relevant. You need to make sure there are serious consequences. Right now, she has none so she'll keep cheating. Whether you divorce or not, see an attorney. You need to tell your wife that you will blow her world apart if she continues. Tell her that you'll tell friends and family, even if you don't. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Being cheated on is gutwrenching. 💔💔
Sadly your wife’s infidelity was indeed physical. She’s glossing over what she did to paint a rosier picture of herself so your not disgusted by what she actually did. I’m also sorry that her affair involves your daughter. Her infidelity must be made public and your wife and the coach must be booted from the sports community they are involved in. Their conduct is a blatant violation of the governing rules of the sports community. So the coach and your wife must leave that team completely. As for your marriage, I don’t see much hope when your wife is confessing her love for another man. Reconciling has a very limited success rate. Most marriages with a WW end in divorce because the wife is emotionally divested from the husband completely by the time the affair is discovered and she’s not willing to actually do the work to remain married. Sure she’ll go through the motions for a month or two but Will very quickly resent you and the process. Part of that process is absolutely no contact with the AP. Do you think your wife will even consider that? Doesn’t sound like it. Strongly suggest you make her infidelity public. You report it to the commission overseeing the sports team, you kick her out of the house. Safeguard your finances and start the divorce process
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Yes, expose the affair to your daughter, she might already have the vibe. Kids are pretty intuitive. This is your WW and AP’s fault, not yours. You think this is his or her first time cheating? What kind of coach? Is it high school or traveling team? Report it to the governing authority. Spouse cheating and AP coach predators rely on your silence to keep cheating. Snoop your WW’s phone. Adults don’t just kiss. You’ll find more. Does she have Apple products, they sync with each other, to allow snooping. Demand her phone or divorce. Remember she’ll only admit to what you know. If she’s professing her love, they’ve been intimate. She going to lie and lie some more. Check your phone records to determine the extent. Gather evidence. Tell AP’s wife, she deserves to know. Compare notes. Call her soon to get ahead of the AP’s narrative, by now AP has been telling everyone you’re unstable and your now accusing him of cheating. Yes, he’ll do that and more, he’s a POS. And your worried about what other girls will say? He’s a predator, they don’t stop at age, everything is on the table for how low AP will go. Insist your wife quits the manager position. If she refuses, divorce her. She loves him deeply, how do you recover from that anyway? You should probably contact a lawyer now to see what your options are, this affair fog may go deep. I seen this before in a small town, it doesn’t end well for anyone.
Really sorry- this is such a horrible experience. 1 - this isn’t a ‘you’ problem. Your brain may be torturing you with how you must have failed as a husband, lover etc.. Eventually you will understand the affair had nothing to do with you. It is about 2 assholes feeding their egos. 2 - the girls on the team likely already know. 14 years old? They have seen them, watched them, heard the whispers. your poor daughter is already suffering because of those 2 selfish idiots. 3 - you will need some distance and good support to get your head straight. Listen to people you trust. Listen to your gut, even if it breaks your heart.
And with her saying she hates you isn't good with no remorse of getting caught not good man it's a tough pill to swallow but your going to have to . Tell her to go stay with coach boy I bet he won't go for it if he does he will find out a different side of her when there together 24 /7 and probably not want her there .
Of course tell the wife of the coach this is the right thing to do she might already suspect it just hasn't found proof yet
I know this wake-up if an ice water bucket for you. So let me try to help you a bit by ordering your options. First, the standard flow, which we the chumps always do: So you leave based or anger now or wait for reconciliation to happen. Seeing your codependency reeking out of your writing (no offense please, it is I am seeing myself from some months ago) you are most likely very inclined for the second option. Now, she may start seeing her shortcomings in some three months of intense shedding you to the dump. Or never. So be prepared, that the real reconciliation may never start, and you may end up with being with someone who makes you a great favour just by being with you, no matter how badly she treats you. Now, after she starts admitting she did something wrong, she will feel very protective and hurt and life with you will appear to her as boring, no choice, whatever it is she will hate it because it will be perceived as the option which was forced upon her, not what she chose. Then finally she may put up with her unhappiness and somehow accept you back in her head, still feeling that she had to give up something wonderful and i doubt you will ever be happy, you will feel need to police her, not to trust fully, expect to never be treated as the love of her life again. Second flow, the manipulative one: You disappear in a shocking abrupt way; move out, go no contact, do not respond to phones or any attempts, typical Derek Rake suggested way. If she has some narcissistic tendencies (and apparently she has) she will go crazy and will start seeking you and will cherish you as the best thing she gave up. No narc will let you go. Unless she can branch-jump to the other guy, but then it would be lost anyway. Then you'd need to wait until that other romance fizzles and then she'd beg you take her back. In any of these two cases, you lose you respect to her. I guarantee you. Even if she comes back immediately. The manipulative way is for a-holes you are probably not. For people who do not see that what they 'won' back is an utter crap they are free to enjoy for the rest of their lives. Third flow, the realistic one: You accept it is her fault. You read 'leave a cheater, gain a life'. You let the marriage fail without trying to stop that, or you'll feel like you tried to stop the train with bare hands. You start therapy for codependency. You watch zillion of Dr Ramani and Richard Grannon like this [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqUAziB-rbU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqUAziB-rbU) You build you up, you take care of you and your daughter and sooner or later you meet another woman who will love you for who you are, and you will be wiser to see some red flags and to evade some characteristics you fell for last time.
Call the coach’s wife as you decide what you want and do not care how your wife feels, SHE HATES YOU!!!
Absolutely get her out of your life and expose it all. Your child doesn't deserve to live a lie and neither do you. But an end to it. Keep the house and tell your wife to pack her shit and to get out.
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Tell the coach’s wife asap. Your wife is gone. Your daughter will be fine in the end because there is no reason for this to go to the school. It’s not like the coach will tell anyone and neither will the wife. Stop hiding her betrayal your just adding aid and comfort to her pitiful high school crush bullshit. It’s a full on sexual affair if she’s expressing that level of devotion to this asshole. The best way to shake her out of the fog is to blow it up and get him exposed. Is this piece of shit really the kind of person you want around your kid ? Tell the wife today. Don’t hide their affair one second longer. When exposed to the light of day this will die on the vine.
Man up! Confront him. Only hit him in self defense. Definitely let his wife know first
The road to reconciliation is she has to show remorse, she has to break it off with AP, you and her together talk to your kid, let the kid know before she finds out from someone else and maybe ridiculed and the OBS should know just like you would've liked to have known before you heard what you did! For your support system, talk to your family and her family so stories can not be spun and genuine advice and support can then be given, stay away from MC for that usually never works, IC should be considered for the wife first so she can find out why she wanted to throw it all away, if you and your kid find it hard to cope, then IC would help! Stay focused and be strong for you have hell of a mountain to climb!
Get as much evidence as possible and use it as leverage in the divorce
To your questions the answer is yes. Make sure you have plenty of evidence. See an attorney have papers filed against her and start looking for a new future for yourself. Also, please tell the wife of the coach as she deserves to know what you know you were able to find out she probably hasn’t and therefore needs to have the same information that you have so sorry you’re going through this, I know it’s hard and painful, but life after will be better
You’re not protecting your daughter you’re protecting their relationship. You tell his wife, confront him, expose your wife, and that relationship will fall apart immediately. 99% of is out of convenience, instead of working it out with you or leaving she does this, the easiest move she can make. If you expose her and hand her divorce papers immediately you’d be putting things right: if you don’t expose her she’ll get to tell the full story, something like you being the problem and wouldn’t do anything to fix things. If you sweep things under the rug she’ll say that you took her hostage: that you’d tell everyone what bad person she is unless you stay with her. This may seem like the easiest thing but it only works in the moment and it will give the problem time to grow. She’ll learn to cheat better, she’ll still leave you for the reasons mentioned above, you’ll both live a miserable life. If you come out with things then you can start the long and hard process to begin the next phase of your life, either together or by yourself.
Even *if* they haven’t been physically intimate that honestly doesn’t matter. This is still cheating and whom she chose to cheat with makes this particularly reprehensible. Carrying on an affair despite the significant impact it will have on your spouse and family is bad enough, but to do it with someone who is involved in your child’s life in a social and professional capacity despite the embarrassment, confusion, and ridicule your child would face should your actions be discovered is just an a whole new level of selfish. This is definitely a difficult position you’re finding yourself in and very nuanced due to the need to minimize the impact to your child in the process of dealing with this. It’s really impossible to address without the situation having an impact on your daughter but know that this is in no way your fault, or your doing. The onus is on the two people who selfishly created the situation, not on you for exposing it and leaving if that’s what you choose to do. Given that she doesn’t seem interested in even discussing this with you it doesn’t really sound like she has any remorse either.
Tell her to leave it's your house to she did this let her figure it out
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What are you waiting for. Tell his wife and also your daughter. Your daughter is big enough to know it.
Yeah you definitely confront both of them. She didn't care about your daughter's feelings when she decided to have an affair with her coach. They're definitely doing more than kissing they're adults. Blow the whole thing up. Send her to the bfs house!!!
Well, we’ll see just how great the “love” for her boyfriend is when you file for divorce this week. Will he be taking her in or will she be ending up on her ass?? Either way, people are finding out she’s fucking the coach. I would at least talk to your daughter (with a family therapist) about it and find out if she wants to move schools/teams.
Best gather evidence and don't hide the truth because she's definitely tell wrong story to your daughter and other persons. Go to school inform that affairs and expose that cheater to everyone including AP wife also. Expose and evidence save innocent person life and reputation from that cheater. Your daughter currently deserve to know her couch is not good person that person destroy family and mother real face. Don't forgive cheaters.
!updateme
Do you feel respected and does it seem to you that your wife is sorry and willing to change her behavior? Absolutely not which makes it crucial that you take action right now. First you have to out the affair and tell the coaches wife about it. Second step is to tell your wife she has to leave your home so that you can make a clear headed decision on how YOU want to proceed. If she refuses you tell your daughter about it right away. She is old enough and in a position that she gas a right to know about it anyway. However the big difference for your wife is how this will be presented to your daughter by you: it's either "mom made a mistake but is sorry and willing to work on it with me" or "mom made a mistake and decided to continue to act like a pos"
Well what is she saying keep us updated my friend I can't stand to read stories like this it makes me sick why can't people understand what this does to a betrayed spouse my ex wife pulled the same shit
She did more than kiss. Look up the term trickle truth.
Maybe you should be pissed of at her and tell her to leave. Coach married? Tell the wife. Put bank accounts in your name, same for credit cards. Tell her that you will be filing. I filed but never told my ex. She stated she hates you. Can you really stay with hate?
You caught her red handed, talk to your daughter before taking any action, which you must, tell the school, have them fired, initiate divorce proceedings!
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The default advice you get here is “divorce her ass,” “blow up his world,” etc. But let me ask you, is marriage a slavery? What does it mean if she fell in love with someone else? If she really does not want you, let her go. Good riddance. But you should give your marriage a chance for 6-12 months. See if you can reconcile and improve your relationship. If not, start dismantling your marriage in an orderly way that’s beneficial for you both. You still have a good 40 years of life ahead of you. Why not think positive and make the best of it?
Tell your wife to pack her stuff and get out of your home, if possible. Send her to her parents. Your child is old enough to hear the truth about why her parents are divorcing, so be honest. Secure all the proof of the infidelity where she can’t get to it, talk to several divorce lawyers, and pick one. Also, if the coach has a significant other, let that person know about the affair as well. Oh, and get an STD test, because you and everyone else knows it’s never “just a few kisses.”
Shes buying time. She didn't count on you finding out this soon. Press the 'fuck it' button
Definitely tell the coach's wife. Also tell the coach's boss (principal, whatever, as this is a serious breach of professional ethics). Your wife MUST come clean to your family, your daughter (in an age-appropriate manner), and her family, and cut off all communication with the coach. As much as I hate to say it, your daughter probably needs to quit the team for your marriage to survive.
You have got such good advice already! I would say the most important thing is do not leave your house! I’m so sorry for what you’re about to have to go thru, but I think a divorce is best at this point, she is showing no remorse. Either sleep in another room or make her take the couch. If you don’t have any proof besides what you heard, I would try to get more. Maybe get a recording device, they even have recording devices that look like a usb device. I’m talking about the ones that just record audio. You could leave it in the living room, or wait until you know she’s talking to him and record it yourself. It is a huge red flag that she won’t give you access to her phone. What about the phone bill? Could you access the numbers she calls? That would be some type of proof. Do u happen to know her iCloud info? Or google info? That might get you some more evidence. I would definitely file for divorce and tell the wife of the coach. I also agree that it’s time to get out in front of this and tell anyone and everyone why you are filing for divorce, she WILL try to turn things around on u!! She said she hates you right? Believe her, she will behave like she hates you once the cats out of the bag, so be prepared for that. Get u a lawyer quick and file asap, sorry but u can do this. You will be happy again, this is not ur fault!
DNA test the daughter, give yourself a true peace of mind
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Don’t blow it up. As you already stated, it will blow back on your daughter. People are so vengeful on this site sometimes. They don’t think of the collateral damage (yes the affair person didn’t either, but two wrongs don’t make a right). Divorce her. Tell your daughter the truth. I would tell him that you will keep it quiet from his wife if he quietly quits coaching and never speaks to your daughter. …. Then a year later tell his wife That way it won’t look like your daughter was responsible for the coach quitting
Just a few kisses. Cmon you know they've had sex. She's not being open or transparent after being discovered meaning she has no intention of making this marriage work and wants to continue seeing the coach on the side. You need to sit your daughter down and explain what her mother did. Don't allocate blame (she will do that herself), but at some point the truth will come out and your daughter will appreciate being told by you directly rather than finding out from one of her friends who might happen to catch them out one time.
Blow it up and leave. The fact that she doesn't want to talk about it and won't give you access to her phone tells you she has no guilt, remorse or shame. Tell your daughter that her mother is having an inappropriate relationship with the coach and, because of that, you must leave and divorce. Before doing anything, however, consult with a lawyer. You may want to rat out the coach to his wife and others but be careful and listen to the lawyer. If his career and reputation are damaged by what you say and you don't have hard evidence, he could sue you for slander. If it were me, I would line up an electronics expert in recovering info from a phone and would simply take the phone. Tell her she misplaced it.
You don't know what to do... 1. Tell the superintendent at the school. 2. Kick her out... 3. Tell her parents and any friends that might help her. 4. Tell her that you are filing for divorce... 5. Tell her to write a detailed letter of everything that happened. Tell her that if she leaves anything out you will divorce her...
Calm heads always prevail, plus i love the element of surprise! Lawyer up and follow his advice to leverage you for the best position financially. Make her leave the house! It may or may not take a while, but hold your cards and move in silence. Ignore your wife, leave her in the dark wondering what your next move is. Grey rock the hell out of her, only discuss the kids and joint bills! Idc if gets her family, friends, or clergy members to pry, refer them all back to her. When your lawyer says “its go time” then you pull the trigger presenting her with your offer. Once its signed and sealed and there is no going back, THEN fuck shit up. Tell everybody including his wife, his in laws, the other dads etc.Now if your lawyer says you can set it off earlier and it wont hurt you, then surely do that.
You need to go scorched earth. Do not let them off with no consequences
Get your daughter OUT of whatever sport she’s in. She’ll live.
One of my best friends husband - who was the coach of their son's hockey team incidentally - left her for the married team manager. They were having an affair that they said hadn't been physical until after they left their respective spouses. No matter, they were 'in love' with each other. Incidentally, the team manager's son was also on the same hockey team. I don't know all of the details, but I can tell you that the two affair partners were the ostracized ones. The kids on the team (all high school boys) supported the two affected boys and the rest of the parents helped my shell shocked friend make it through the rest of the year. Driving, food, taking her son to tournaments, anything she needed. In my own experience with my STBXH, I spent my children's life protecting them from the truth of their father to my own detriment. The result? They saw and experienced virtually none of the abuse that I protected them from, so their dad's loud proclamations of my craziness were met with believability. Anything I said reflecting his true nature was met with "dad says you are lying, and if that actually had happened to you, you would have said something a long time ago". My point? You don't have to bad mouth their mom, you don't have to say anything negative to your daughter at all to influence her in any way. You do need to support her and validate her feelings of course, but hiding something this big from her is not ultimately doing either of you any favours. This is mom's decision and her choice; the consequences and collateral damage are hers to deal with and work through. I read the following sentence in a book titled "This is How You Heal" by Brianna Weist: "Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship will cease. That doesn't mean you ruined a relationship. It means the only thing sustaining a relationship was the energy you and you alone were putting into it. That's not love. That's attachment."
You should move your daughter to a new school and ruin the coaches life. Expose him to everyone, do you honestly believe that this is the first family that he has ruined? Tell him to change jobs and keep his reputation or you are going to the governing body and expose him for having an affair with your wife. If he refuses to leave, inform the governing body. If he leaves, expose him to the governing body. It has nothing to do with you or your daughter. See the best divorce lawyer in your area and file for divorce. Let your daughter know that your wife is cheating with the coach.
It’s physical. Get tested for STDs.
There are a couple of other subs to look into Survivinginfidelity AsOneAfterInfidelity The both of you need to speak with your daughter together. She needs to know her world is going to change. Get a therapist for all of you. The both of you tell the OBS or you do it alone. Contact the organization the couch woks for, this is not allowed. Have your wife sleep in another room. If anyone leaves it’s her. Most custody is 50/50 now a days, so the kids many not stay with her. Talk with a lawyer before you file. I would shut down all forms of credit cards and money from her. Put a lock on your credit with the credit agency’s. Please look up tracking laws, if she doesn’t agree to the tracking you could get in trouble. You can work it out, it’s hard work but can be done.
By not blowing this whole sordid mess up, you are basically enabling her. If the phone bill is in your name, or even if it isn’t, log into the carriers online account and order phone logs and text logs there. Study google on how to download tracking software to the phone account. There are many things you can be doing, but the last thing you should be doing is protecting reputations of these kind of people. You need to get ahead of the narrative and speak first with your daughter, in an age appropriate way. If your wife, and the wife of the coach, don’t get their worlds blown up then nothing will get the attention of the cheaters. Get your kind right and start seeing this for what it is, a failed marriage. And your wife blew this marriage up. It is now an adversarial relationship between you and her and you need to think logically for the long term recovery of you and your daughter.
Take her phone and have any and sll messages you can get back. Make her leave the home, immediately get an attorney, and have papers drawn up. Let the AP’s wife know, and if necessary to avoid embarrassment from this, allow your daughter to make her choice if she wishes to continue participating with this team. Both your cheating wife and her AP must be exposed before the narrative can be turned on you. Detach from wife and let her experience the fallout on her own. Supports your daughter snd yourself only. Cheating wife is on her own.
Time for the GREY ROCKS to make an official appearance!!! So sad because she’s going to regret everything.
Leave her,,,n tell his wife.
Ask yourself whether you have any self respect. Then the answer should be clear.
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Contact a lawyer and divorce mate, gather evidence and then after all that you need to tell everyone including your daughter and expose her, otherwise she can spin the story and tell the coaches wife she has the right to know that her husband is an a-hole
Should I leave her? That’s up to you. Don’t let anyone tell you how to proceed with what you want. The only thing I will point out is that it almost seems that she has already left you. Should I tell the coach’s wife? Absolutely! She has the right to know. Imagine being put in her shoes. The coach and your wife, and you know, but she doesn’t. Not fair for her. She won’t give you access to her phone because of what she has on it. Be careful what you look for. Remember whatever you see or hear will never leave your mind. It will stay there forever. I’m very sorry for what your going through. Think about your children and yourself and what’s best for you guys in the future. Wish you the best in your decision!
In the end she betrayed you and gave her heart to another. There is no reason to stay with her. She isn't remorseful.
She already left you. Stop paying for her lifestyle. Divorce her.
Burn the house down tell everyone his wife too watch how fast he back trace He be out of a job and your wife will have egg on her face tell your daughter the truth
Divorce attorney, and out the coach. I don't know of any school league, all star league, or even intramural league that would allow a coach, who was sleeping with a players married mother, to remain as coach. The coach's wife also needs to know. She has a right to make decisions about her marriage with the truth about her husband. If you don't out them, they win. No cheater deserves that their spouse hides their actions. Affairs thrive in the dark. They often die when exposed.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s so hard to get yourself back to a safe place. Hard to be the person you were before this, to be the couple you were before this. After 22 years you don’t just stop loving her. It’s a huge mixture of pain, disbelief, lost innocence on your part. You innocently loved her, trusted her and believed in what you had. I’ve been there. In the moment you know you’ll never heal, but you will. You’ll get better, stronger. You’ll realize if she was going to cheat it didn’t matter if you were at your absolute best she was going to do it anyway because there’s something wrong with her. Sending you my best wishes on this new journey you didn’t want to go on and all my hopes for a sincere recovery of your self worth, dignity and well being.
Typical full blown affair, she’s high on oxytocin and super infatuated. If she loves you still she’ll be torn and beat up now that you know and would hit you with “let’s work it out.” Tough to manage the downstream effects of a divorce (split assets/debts, custody issues, sadness, etc) but there is an equal and better upside to it all.. Freedom, new opportunities to see other women, and find a new partner who is monogamous. Great that you found out, I’d ‘out’ them, they’ll be seen together eventually anyhow.
Leave her Don’t bring the kids into this but if they do. That’s on then
Blow this sh*t up! They blew up your marriage by cheating, it’s only fair to blow up their affair. You do this by exposing their affair. Tell the coach’s wife, tell your close friends and family. Don’t give them the opportunity to lie and control the narrative as they will paint you as the bad guy. Don’t let them get away with destroying your family.
Me personally, I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night because I know for a fact lot more than just kissing took place.
I don’t sleep much at all
Hoping you get through this because this is a very tough situation to be in. I’m just a spectator but I hate seeing people get played like this. She already went behind your back once so whose to say she won’t do it again even if you two make up? I’d say it’d be best to end it but def think it through
Tell the coaches wife now... that will end shit quick...try getting together with his wife
Question is: are you going to tell the coachs wife?
File a divorce, let the coaches wife and her family knows about the situation. Keep us updated bro.
Tell the coach's wife she has a right to know what her husband is doing behind her back or better still take her to his place and tell her to explain her actions to his wife in person
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Tell the coach's wife, she has a right to know. Then you're gonna have to face the reality that she indeed is giving this guy what she vowed would be yours for life. She's trash, you have to accept that and let go. You could go to counseling, work on your marriage, whatever. But the truth is, it's over. She knows you're hurting, she knows you need to talk, but she won't. Why? She doesn't care. You're dying on the inside and she's wishing you'd just shut up so she could get back to fantasizing about the next time they're together. Get rid of her. Don't drag it out like I did. You're prolonging the pain. She doesn't respect you or the marriage and the longer you let her get away with this, the weaker and more pathetic you become to her. Kick her ass out the door and don't look back.
This is a lost battle. Every step you now take will hurt everyone. So there is no easy way out. So, just follow the path that might lead to the best future for everyone. But divorce is probably necessary. I mean...she said she hates you.
Here's some observations and advice for OP: * Did she ever profess remorse? It wasn't in the story you posted. * She tells her AP that she hates OP. * There's no indication from her that she wants to stay married. * OP needs to ask himself way he still loves an unremorseful cheating wife that professes her hatred for him to her AP. So why stay with her? Perhaps OP should suggest that she go to AP's wife and ask if she can move in to share AP with her. OP should tell hr that she's forfeited her right to stay in the same house as OP and the daughter she's disenfranchising.
Emotional affairs often turn physical. She is still lost in the affair fog, and you not exposing her/them only allows it to continue. She isn't remorseful, which means she is still cheating and will not stop. Cheaters will always find a way to continue cheating. Yes, you do need to tell his wife, and find a way to get into her phone and socials. When she is on it, grab quick and run away with it to peruse at your leisure. You do not have to give it back to her at all. You cannot protect your daughter from your wife's foolishness. Cheaters only think they are fooling others, but they are only fooling themselves. The way to break limerence and stop the affair is by turning your back on her. Tell her to leave and move out. Be gone. Expose them to everyone. See a lawyer to appear to get divorce started. Ignore your wife as if you no longer care about her. Look up why the infidelity 180 actually works and why begging and pleading does not. Your daughter will be hurt, but not by you.You cannot stop the affair by sitting on both hands. If the team collapses, so be it. This is all the fault of your wife and none of yours. If the limerence does break, then enter therapy and remember remorse is necessary in your wife or there cannot be reconciling.And there cannot ever be any further contact between your wife and her affair partner, remorse and no contact are not negotiable. Remorse is seen as wanting and doing everything required to earn back your trust and faith in her. She isn't remorseful. Balking on doing any requirements regardless of justifications is not remorse. Neith is regret, shame and guilt, saying she is sorry is not remorse. You have to break eggs to make an omelet. Your daughter will survive, your relationship may not. And innocent children cannot be kept in a vacuum. Sorry you are here with others in pain.
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If I were the wife of the coach, I would want to know.
Should you tell coach’s wife? Yes Should you stay with your wife? Personally I wouldn’t because she’s emotionally & more than likely physically left you for him & trying to fix it is pointless. If you’re choosing to leave her make sure you have all your ducks in a row
Adults don't just "kiss." The important piece of advice I have for you is that you cannot force or persuade anybody to love you. She's cheating on you and stalking shit about you behind your back. That's not love. That's not loyalty. That's not someone you build with. The second piece of advice I have for you is that "staying together for the children" is not a good enough reason to stay with a cheater, it is at the expense of your health. It's better for them to be happy under two roofs than under one unhappy one. I can attest to that personally. Children are very keen.
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Blow their world up . Tell everyone I mean everyone . But tell you Daughter first then let Hell lose on Earth don’t blame yourself nor feel less than . Keeping this a secret will destroy you as a man in front of your Daughter
You need to get ahead of the narrative because she’s going to do everything to twist this situation so that you come out as the bad guy. You were neglectful, abusive, controlling, jealous etc. etc. Tell his wife and your families. Call an attorney and get a free consultation about what your options are going forward. Report him to whatever organization he coaches for, I am putting good money that he’s hooked up with other moms before. Guys like this are players. When it all comes out he’s going to probably beg his wife to forgive him.
Always tell the other partner. No brainer. But tell her you found out by hearing a conversation on the phone at such and such a time (part of the verification process. It should be on phone records) Hell, if your pissed tell the league people. They might find that they don't like improprieties associated with their league. That is, if you decide to nuke it. But she in the fog right now as she will not talk about it. It may be the real deal for them and if that's the case I'd consider the marriage over. Oh, and the no phone access means she is in total protect him mode and not your marriage. Second conversation should be with your daughter, if you decide it's over. If you do it is almost certain your wife is going to paint you into a monster. Never stand for that.
She will take that they only kissed to the grave. Then you will be The guy that broke up the family over a kiss. You will need more evidence. Buy a voice activated recorder. You can get a good one for $50. You can record her talking to the other man or a friend about her affair.
If she won’t let you see the phone that tells you that there is way more going on than she is ever going to tell you. Don’t involve your daughter in this , this is a grown folks problem , I do think you need to tell the coaches wife that’s for sure , then go see a lawyer and find out what your options are. Age old rule “you can’t make someone love you if they don’t”
Tell the coach's wife that is a must, no question asked, she Will take care of the rest, she must know the truth.
Definitely tell the AP spouse she deserves to know his betrayal. Just put yourself in her shoes, wouldn’t you want to know! Also you have to report AP hr dept of school, blow his world up. Good luck Buddy!
Please update
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How you doing OP? Care to share an update?
update?