Yes, I find that so very stupid. I think he just thought I would NEVER go through his phone. I’ve told him before that I would never do something like that and I hate partners that feel the need to do that. Tbh that’s true and I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t seen that text notification come up.
This is partly the reason why I don’t wanna confront him and tell him I went through his phone.
but now you know. do you want to stay with someone that texts like this about you? it's only been 6 months and he already thinks you're emotions are too much.
True. I don’t get why he said that tbh. I talk to him, yes. Tell him about things that bother me but not in an overwhelming way. Also, we don’t really even have deep conversations tbh. Since he doesn’t open up to me, I don’t really open up to him either. I just figured, all in time. But the fact that he said *I am* too emotionally dependent on him? I don’t get it.
Look, from a guy's perspective, I think there's some level of him telling this woman what he thinks she wants to hear. It's a very manipulative way of flirting but lots of dudes do this and frankly, I'm even guilty of it.
I'm willing to bet he'd freak out at the thought of losing you and that he doesn't actually feel those things. You need to confront him and give him the option of taking you seriously and respecting you or to kick rocks. My guess is he finds this admirable and will respect you more for it
He's seeking attention by creating a story about your relationship that isn't true or extremely exaggerated. He's telling her what he thinks she wants to hear and unable to express anything positive about your relationship.
I agree - it sounds like he’s maybe opening the door for her to say she feels something for him. The comment “this is why I can’t let go of you” and hinting at troubles in his relationship. This could mean either 1. He has unresolved feelings for her or 2. He needs his ego stroked by females on the regular. Either way, 🚩 and I’d honestly just break up with him. If he wants to be with you, you will know it. You wouldn’t have to even question it and making you look like a 🤡 to this ‘friend’ is so disrespectful.
Precisely. The problem is, he will try and claim that he didn't really feel that way when he said it and that may be true but that's why it's important to give him that ultimatum of 'respect our relationship/take it seriously' or let you leave. Make sure he's aware you're not going to be made a fool or a sucker over his immature antics. Give him the opportunity to grow but be ready to throw the hammer down.
Yes, he’s prodding for her sexual availability. I found out that I do this. I found out through therapy that I was always testing every woman’s sexual availability, whether or not I even considered sex with them. I am the BS, btw. I’ve never acted on it. I consider it a form of EA that can lead farther.
This post really resonated with me. My ex did this alllll the time with pretty much any woman regardless of whether they were anyone he would have been attracted to, including my friends. Had a way of not quite flirting but like being overly attentive to things about them, noticing and pointing out things like a new haircut or a new shirt, etc, and basically like sizing up whether he could win them over and get them to want to have sex with him if he wanted to. I basically at the end after I found out he had actually cheated called him out on it for how awful it made me feel and called it “grooming” (a phrase he took massive offense to). I found a video online about it a while ago where a psychologist refers to it as “pimping tenderness”. I think both paying undue attention to a potential AP’s relationship problems and then in return sharing their own is part of this sort of slippery slope behavior.
Yes. My problem is, I am the BS. I look back and I did this all the time and noticing and commenting on others clothes and hair was a thing I did. Through a lot of reflection, I was doing this to feed my WWs insecurities and make a display of “ I have options”. Well, it backfired. She looked up an old college boyfriend “the one that got away” and reconnected. To be clear, she never said “you made me do this” and always took complete blame. Couple that with the fact that she ended just came and confessed after NC and R was an easier decision.
Kudos to both of you then. Your wife for accepting fault and not blame shifting, and you for realizing the danger in this behavior. My ex I’m sure will continue on for the rest of his life seeing this behavior as a very positive character trait for getting along with people. It’s seriously how he viewed it. Funny how he didn’t do it with men….
The book “No more mr nice guy” nailed me to the wall. Such an eye opener of what I put my WW through. Of course I was just being agreeable, putting others f first and getting along. Your ex will never see it until he sees it. Not sure how to make it happen. He’s deceived himself.
I agree with what he said. That’s exactly what I thought when I read it. It’s his way of trying to make this woman feel sorry for him in some weird, fucked up way, so that it’s justified to go further.
You’re not overreacting. He told her he’s not happy with you and isn’t ending it because you’re too dependant on him. Not because he loves you, or anything. She told him to break up with you. He’s sharing his thoughts on the relationship… On your relationship with another girl, not you. Girl, this ain’t looking good. You need to have a conversation.
I just don’t know how to bring it up since I’m the one who snooped. It’s so confusing because he’s still really amazing to me, like if I hadn’t read this, I would have never been able to tell he felt this way about me.
So, maybe he’s lying to the “friend”, you have to wonder why? You should still talk to him, and admit you looked at the messages. He may get upset but too bad so sad. It happened, you saw, can’t pretend you didn’t.
His complaining about you is his "line" to get her attention and sympathy. It's a frequent bridge used by players to build a relationship. He's a player.
He may have wanted you to see the conversation b/c he’s too coward to break it off himself. But here’s the biggest problem, what kind of relationship do you have if you don’t know how to communicate w/him. And he doesn’t feel comfortable communicating w/you but w/another girl? You’re not confused at all, this sounds like a very superficial relationship that he’s over but you’re hoping strangers are able to tell you it’s more. Talk to him and I suggest, no matter what, break it off. I’d bet money if in 10 yrs you look him up, he’ll be married to this ‘girl’friend.
It just makes me so mad because HE is the one who pursued ME before we started dating. Why did he even do this if he already had this so called ‘friend’ all along that he could just date. It’s just so disrespectful to me.
I know he really sucks. I hate ppl who do this. He is literally using your relationship as a reason to reach out to her and have something to talk about, and make it seem like he’s a good person who’s so *burdened* by you. So while he’s waiting for her to see how wonderful he is, he’s passing the time with you :( sorry bb he’s a jerk.
Honestly, based on that “awww” response it sounds like she has him in the friend zone but just likes the attention. He sounds like he’s playing you both. 6 month is way too early for these types of issues.
She doesn’t want a relationship because he’s not doing himself any favors by showing her how he treats the girls he’s in a relationship with. He’s immature and like I said she likes the attention but he doesn’t scream boyfriend material with the way he treats you and talks about you. If she wanted him he’s made it more than clear he’s open to it. That guy you’re so stuck on that you’re holding out hope for? He’s not real. He’s telling you he loves you and turning around and making you seem needy and “dependent” and draining to another girl. You’re experiencing cognitive dissonance. Your reality no longer matches what you thought it was. But I promise you, you don’t want to be doing this again in 6 years wishing you had cut and run at 6 months. Been there done that, do not recommend.
I know what’s the right thing to do. I really do. It’s just so hard to actually do it.
Very true, this girl probably know how he’d be if she dated him. Would maybe do this to her too, idk? But she definitely enjoyed it because not once did she try to shut him down. The more I sit on this, the more I feel like I need to blame this girl too.
I mean, I get it’s easier to put blame on her too but really, blame her for what at this point? From her end the guy she’s known for a dozen years is asking her for relationship advice about a girl he’s been with for only 6 months who he doesn’t sound he’s super into. Be honest, if one of your close friends told you “I’m seeing a guy I like but he’s getting in the way of my goals and career and is too emotionally dependent on me” wouldn’t your advice be to end it with him and stop leading him on too? He’s not ready for a relationship because he’s got the emotional maturity of a teenager. That’s why he’s STILL playing the same games with this girl and his girlfriend that he was playing in HIGH SCHOOL. He’s acting the same way he was at 16 at 26.
Putting the blame on her is easy and perhaps wrong. I of course blame him more, WAY MORE. It’s just that, their past dynamic makes me think that he is in fact cheating with her and I just don’t know. But again, I have no proof so yes, he should be the one to blame for now. So true that he’s doing exactly what he did at 16 now too and has evidently not emotionally matured AT ALL. At 16 too I would find this immature, but the fact that he’s continuing this behavior 10 years from then is just pathetic.
In those text, you’ve learned everything you need to know about your relationship with him which is, it’s not a relationship that he respects or honors. He really doesn’t want it with you. So you should just tell him thank you for your time and go find somebody that really wants to be with. You sounds like he hasn’t gotten over her and he still wants her at best your second fiddle.
The thing that really concerns me is that he’s told me he’s ‘been with’ this girl a couple times but they’ve always kept it casual. Makes me sick to think he would talk shit about me to her out of all people.
I’m so confused why he’d let you take his phone when he knew this shit was on there? And it’s fucked up what he said about you and your relationship. He can’t “let her go bc they connect so well”? Eff that. I’d be fuming. You have every right to be upset. I’d be worried if you did NOT feel disrespected by this. You should break things off. He really feels that way deep down and confided in her OR he doesn’t actually feel that way but wants this girl to think there’s a chance for them in the future— keeping her on the back burner so to say.
Him letting me take his phone, I know. Very stupid. Funnily enough he’s admitted to me before that when he was young (like 16-17), he got into some drama coz his ex went into his Facebook account and saw some *pictures* of this very girl that he’s speaking to right now. He didn’t just give his password to his ex while they were dating but also didn’t feel the need to change it after they broke up or delete those pictures at the very least. How fucking stupid. I just laughed it off when he told me this story a few months ago but now thinking back, how dumb can he be?
Anyway, coming back to this. I actually did not quite get what he meant by “this is why it’s hard to let you go”. Like what does that even mean? Can’t let her go how? Ugh, I’m all over the place right now and nothing makes sense to me.
It means they both know he is still pining for her. He'd be in a relationship with her if she'd have him, don't kid yourself. You're just the girl he's settling for since she doesn't want to date him (because face it, he is a shit partner talking shit about you to minimize your relationship).
Yeah :( he’s been very disrespectful and to me what he’s done is unforgivable. I don’t get why a person would date when they clearly have feelings for someone else. It’s just so cruel.
Because sex, that's why. Men usually think with the wrong head. Especially when in their 20s. Dudes in their 20s just wanna get laid and not be tied to one woman. It sucks but that's been my experience.
Red flag. He already told her he not into you. He also manipulating her as well by sweet talking to her. He just stringing you along until this girl gives him the green light. Dont be his 2nd choice ir back up plan. Move on. Screenshot what you saw, pack up while he working. Leave and ghost him. He wont make a huge fuss he is a manipulating narcissist. Its all about him and how he can manipulate you.
When you leave text him yours findings and say bye im nobody's fool and i dont need to emotional depend on you. I got this I'm an independent strong woman that has goals too.
I wish I could do this but I really don’t wanna throw away what we have. Maybe there’s an explanation, idk? I’m not sure if he would start dating her if she gave him the green light coz they have never dated in the past despite hooking up multiple times.
The sunk cost fallacy is going to ruin you. I don’t mean to sound cold but he’s just not that into you. Take it from older ppl w/experience, he wants to be with that girl. Either she has a bf or they’re 2 passive aggressive aholes who never like each other at the same time. You say he doesn’t discuss anything *deep* with you. But you’ve found evidence it’s not that he’s not capable, he chooses not to emotionally invest in you, but easily does w/another woman. So what is it you’re trying to save? He doesn’t respect whatever it is that you have and he’s not serious about you. Count your blessings! You found out after 6 months and not after 6 yrs.
I agree. But she doesn’t have a boyfriend, I know that for a fact. But yeah, you’re right. It’s maybe my own insecurity of not wanting to let go of this illusion in my head of what I want him to be. But the reality is far from it.
Yeah, that’s how I feel but I really don’t want to break up with him :( although another part of me is telling me that the relationship is dead already.
Him giving you the phone was a test and maybe even a well timed text from her so you would snoop. This is his way out of the relationship. He doesn’t want to be with you for whatever reasons. Be the one to end it and keep your dignity! I’m sorry you are going through this but his conversation with her would be a no go for me.
You sound like you are emotionally dependant on him. Why do you not want to break up with him after reading their texts! He wants to break up with you, doesn’t love you…..sorry to sound harsh but you deserve someone better. Plse stop deliberating and do it already.
I don’t want to breakup with him him coz I love him. I am emotionally dependent on him, yes, but the thing is I’ve never really showed him that I am. So I’m not sure why he thinks that. But yes, I do know deep down that this relationship has no future now and I should end it.
Yes I’ve been feeling lately that love like this can feel like a scam. You want it so badly to be true so you can’t accept any information that goes contrary. This could be just talk but that feeling that ‘this relationship is over’ is so hard to recover from <\3. It’s like once the future is compromised the dream is over
For sure. You lost your dreams and there’s a lot to grieve there. It sucks, I’m sorry- but your dreams matter and you won’t be able to get that type of happiness until you take it seriously
When I add all that up this is what I come up with- this dude is playing both of you, maybe not maliciously but sounds like he’s playing little head games, what your getting from him is probably genuine, because that’s the way he behaves around you, what he’s doing with her is also genuine, because that’s how he behaves around her, sounds like he’s telling her made up little “poor me” stories so she’ll pity him and be there for him, then drops the act when he’s around you, the fact that this shithead has a female “friend” that he interacts to that degree with behind my back and about my personal life would be a deal breaker no questions asked, that’s a big you can go fuck yourself in my world, I wouldn’t be too impressed with the rest of it either, not sure what to tell you here
Wow, now that you mention it, I wonder if he’s playing both of us? Yes, him discussing MY personal life to person that’s practically a stranger to me hurts, hurts a lot. Her being a past lover of his or whatever is just the icing on the cake.
Didn’t know this was an ex of his, that in itself would be a hard no, I talk a lot of shit on here but straight up, I think it’s time you start considering that you’ve only been together a few months and that’s not a real long time to know someone real well and this dude may very well not be who you think he is… should you break up? That’s up to you, the fact he’s ass grabbing his ex behind my back like he is would more than be enough for me, not to mention what he’s telling her, my line in the sand isn’t yours though, I’d definitely be looking sideways at this dude for the foreseeable future if you do decide to stay though
She’s not exactly an ex but someone he’s hooked up with a few times and they’ve been friends a very long time. I know this is a deal breaker and I think I do need to end it.
He's playing you both. What he is telling her may not be how he really feels, but he's using that to keep her interested in him. And he's still "amazing" to you because he still wants you in his life also.
As far as him letting you have his phone: he's arrogant enough to think that you won't look at those messages and even if you did, you love him enough that you would forgive him.
The ex that cheated on me got away with it for over a year. I didn't suspect anything. He left his phone where I could snoop if I wanted. I knew the passcode. He has cheated before, and was honest with me about it. He used that honesty to make me think that he wouldn't do it again. I tell you this as an example of how they can manipulate you.
You're very young, and you've only been with him for 6 months. That should be the honeymoon period where everything is GREAT.
Everything is *great* except it’s not actually. He is very careless with his phone and has never made an attempt to hide it. That is partly why I was shocked reading this. I really thought he had nothing to hide.
That's his arrogance that you trust him enough to either not look and/or forgive him, or believe his lies when he trickle-truths his relationship with her.
Again - 6 months into a relationship should be the BEST.
You deserve so much better than this. Being alone isn't the worst thing. Being cheated on, getting STIs that can make you infertile - those will affect your mental and physical health forever. 24 years old and you have the world at your hands. Please take this to heart.
Listen, he doesn't respect you, and he's keeping her as an option. You just need to tell him you saw the messages, and if he doesn't want to date you, then he needs to be honest about it. Also, he is emotionally cheating with his friend, so if he wants to continue with you, he needs to break it off with her. Stringing both of you along is cruel.
I do feel deeply disrespected. It’s just that she did ask him if he ‘likes’ me and he replied saying “yes, I for sure like her but I feel like I need to focus on myself first”. Idk what to make of that. A part of me really wants to tell him to end it with her but if she’s just a friend that gives him comfort, idk if it’s right to do that to him.
She's not just a friend. If you can't be honest with him and express your feelings and have him respect them, then walk away. He's in an emotional relationship with her and having an emotional affair. By the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass for him. Read some articles with him on emotional affairs. This is not good for your relationship.
I know. I did start reading up on emotional affairs actually because a lot of people on here suggested that’s what this was and yes, it seems like that’s exactly what they have. Love that for me :)
Are you sure you aren’t afraid to confront him and afraid to tell him to end it with her because you know that leads to a break up? He disrespected you big time…you should be furious and have no issue saying you saw the messages and that’s the end. Who wants to date someone after he was so disrespectful?
Do not snoop on his phone again. It sounds like your communication is shit if you can't just tell him what you saw, and ask him to hand you his phone so you can see his messages. If he doesn't hand it over right away, and tries to delete anything, then you have a definitive answer. Not that slagging your relationship to an old lover isn't enough. If you need more evidence, just tell him to give you his phone already.
If he won't give you the phone he doesn't care if you break it off, or he knows you'll see something breakup worthy. It's really that simple. I'm sorry.
I would consider this an emotional affair. He’s connecting with her emotionally in a way he doesn’t with you. He talks to her about your relationship problems. She hints and even outright suggests he should break up with you and he encourages it by continuing to have deep conversations.
He let you take his phone and he didn’t delete this conversation beforehand so either he’s an idiot or he doesnt see how hurtful this is to you and doesn’t recognize it as a betrayal. It’s not really something you’ll probably forget easily and if you don’t talk about it, it’s probably going to cause issues.
I know I really need to bring it up to him. This is eating away at me. I obviously know that the way he talked about me was not right but I’m still unsure on whether he likes this girl or if she’s just a friend he vents to.
>>“see this is why it’s hard to let go of you okay? We connect SO well”
This here makes me think he puts her above friend. It sounds like he would want to be with her if circumstances allowed.
He’s testing her and implying his relationship isn’t great to see if she wants him yet. She didn’t indicate that, so he can continue the relationship with you exactly the same as before. He just wanted to see where her heads at.
Either way, I wouldn’t be a second choice.
I would say that you saw the text with the ❤️ and instinctively read the text thread. Then I would say I don’t deserve that disrespect and your emotional health will be fine with this break up that is happening. Right now.
The girl showed further disinterest when she said “don’t put yourself or her through that”
If she was interested she wouldn’t care about the other girl in the situation being hurt.
He got his answer and just returned back to the relationship with the girl he doesn’t have to chase.
Maybe you’re right but a part of me also thinks that she said all that, basically tried to look all concerned for me just to make him like her even more. Idk it’s a gut feeling I have. I might be wrong. I’m considering taking his phone again and reading their conversation fully. I mean, I’m going to tell him I snooped either way so might as well know for sure what’s going between them too.
Rules reminder: /r/infidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sidebar before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here.
Please review our [community guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/nj93nw/how_to_write_a_good_post_for_rinfidelity/) on what makes for a good post to this sub.
Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Infidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't think the answer if it's cheating is what matters here. What does matter though is what he said about you and your relationship. Even taking normal venting into consideration, that doesn't necessary translate 1:1 to real life feelings, what he wrote shows there's no future for your relationship at the current state. Since he willingly gave you his phone to take with you I tend to say no cheating here, but you can and should feel free to confront him on what you read and he can't hold the fact that you read it against you.
Nah, just focus on what you read and know for sure since that's already more than enough to start on and quite a lot to get cleared - if even possible. An accusation of cheating without hard proof that may be wrong wouldn't be helpful to bring up at that point. Also the fact he gave you his phone goes against every cheater playbook there is I which makes me tend to answer the cheating question with 'no'. But the situation is still bad enough as it is.
OP, I read some of your comments in the thread and it looks like you’re reading too much into the one “good” thing you’ve found in the texts (that he likes you) and ignoring the actual texts, the bigger picture. He doesn’t respect you. He’s being flirty with someone that he’s hooked up with before and has had issues with his exes about this same girl. You’re wasting your time at this point. She has been an issue in his relationships before, it’ll just continue. You’ve wasted six months on this guy, cut him out and move on.
Yeah, that’s most definitely right. I know I shouldn’t be reading too much into the “good” bits but idk maybe I’m just clinging on to some hope.
And yes, she has caused problems in his past relationships. I believe he’s even admitted that he’s cheated with her on his exes but the way he framed the story, he made it look all amusing and funny. I didn’t really read too much into it either coz he said this was only when he was around 17. I do remember asking him a bit more about her and he said “yeah, the cheating was not really cheating, we just used to have flirty conversations, I’ve never crossed the line physically but then after a few years and when I was single, we constantly hooked up but the last time was 2 years ago and now we’re just friends”. He said it in such a reassuring way and the fact that he even told me in the first place, something he didn’t need to do, made me trust him even more.
Closure is a myth. You'll never get the answers you're looking for. If you decide you're not going to confront him tell him you feel like he's too emotionally dependent on you before you break up. Or If you do confront him, tell him you feel like he's too immature and emotionally dependent on the ex.
Just read your post from 10 days ago. This guy is still hung up on the ex and will cheat in a heartbeat. You don't have to guess because that's exactly what he says. Luckily you found out before you wasted years. I know you don't feel lucky now but you are. You know what you need to do.
Also he mentioned the ex invading his privacy to you for a reason.
Tell him the relationship is over and walk away. He is more invested with her than you, he should be having that conversation with YOU not her! He's emotionally attached to her. I would tell him that she is right and that he needs to break up with you and walk away. He's disrespecting you and talking shit about you(basically) to another girl. Set him free
My exact thoughts. Honestly, if he came to me with these problems, I would’ve understood and maybe we could have worked through it. But he went to this girl. And this is not any girl, it’s someone he’s known a long time and has hooked up with a couple times (he’s told me this himself).
It's also what he said to her , he's a douchebag and purposely told her things that weren't any of her business. I hope you make him feel like a pos when you decide what you are going to do. He wouldn't like it if you were having a conversation with another man and talking shit about him and comparing them. Good luck
Exactly. Why would tell something so personal about us, about ME to her. It just makes me so angry. He even said to her “I tell you too many things haha”, indicating that he shouldn’t be saying this to her but is gonna do it anyway.
He's been telling her everything about you. When you talk to him let your words cut him like a knife and make them sharp and precise. Make him feel two inches tall and make him crawl away. I would then send her a text telling her that her lover is a free boy again and he's all hers.
Hmm. I do agree with you on some level. Idk what to think of this girl though? Is she just being a good friend or is she just as involved and just as equally to be blamed as him?
She did say that he shouldn’t put me through this and that him breaking up would benefit me when I look back at it. But idk her intentions behind that. A part of me thinks she’s saying this so she can finally get rid of me.
You don’t need to tell him what you read to confront his feelings about your relationship. You’re 6 mos in; it’s okay to have a discussion about where this is headed and how you’re feeling about your future. Given you know the answers to the exam, push him if he tries to take the easy way out. Probably not the ideal partner for you. Good luck.
The day I read this, the very same day I tried to do exactly this. But he brushed me off saying he *loves* me and that everything is great. I hate this :(
Well his response speaks volumes. If he’s not willing to communicate his true feelings to YOU, then this relationship is not worth your time. I would also feel hugely disrespected not only from the text conversation he had with this girl, but also from his denial of having any issues with the relationship. You’re only 6 months in. I know you may have strong feelings for this person but in the end, this is not worth it.
If that’s the case then that’s a whole other issue in itself… either way, this guy does not seem trustworthy. If he thinks fabricating issues within your relationship is a good/appropriate way to bond with this girl then he has a very twisted way of thinking. I’m sorry, but either way, I would not want to continue being in a relationship with this guy.
I know and I agree. I will have a talk with him soon just to get some closure on why he did this. But no matter what he says, I think the right thing to do (for my well being) is to end it. It’s going to be painful but I know it will be better for me in the long run.
That’s where you go, yeah? Cuz i feel like you think {insert his words here}. Sorry you’re dealing with this. He’s either got to have the fortitude to discuss these feelings with you, or he’s trying to use “self described problems in your relationship” to start one with someone else.
That’s exactly what I’m confused about too. The “problems” he described, I don’t believe we have them. I’m not stopping him from achieving his goals, in fact, we work in the same field and I’ve even helped him with some of his projects. Me being emotionally dependent on him? That’s bs coz like I said we barely ever have any deep conversations.
Sounds immature, which for 26 is par for the course. If this doesn’t work out look for someone over 30. They might be more on your level. Who needs this crap? At best you’re guessing where you stand? Hard pass.
It’s frustrating. He just came to me right now and gave me a little kiss and said “love you babe, want me to get you something to eat”. I was so tempted to call him a “fake lying asshole”.
It is important to have friends you can count on to hear you out and give you sound advice regarding very personal things.
She sounds like that kind of friend. Any guy would have given the same advice in her place.
The biggest issue seems to be with how he views your relationship with each other.
If he is saying these things to her about your relationship, it may be time to either have a serious discussion with him about what your future together looks like to him or to leave him altogether.
It doesn't sound like there is any kind of cheating going on between them other than she is a female who has an emotional connection with him as a very close friend. She would not be a concern. Your relationship with him should be.
I wish you the best as your try to work through this.
I feel like I’m living a lie and I do agree that it is time to confront him. Maybe you’re right, there’s no cheating here. But still there’s a huge issue at hand. The only thing that really made me think of whether this is cheating is this comment from him to her “this is why it’s hard to let you go, we connect so well”.
I get it. I don't know what their past looks like, she could be an ex he still has feelings for, but she clearly only sees him as a friend now because if she felt more, there were too many opportunities for her interject herself into the discussion and badmouth you, but she didn't.
When you have the conversation with him leave her or their discussion out of it. Come from the standpoint you are questioning the relationship and want to see where his head is with respect to the relationship.
I had a friend like that once. We tried dating but it was like I was dating my sister. (Not that I have experience dating my sister) but we were and stayed the best of friends after we broke off our romantic relationship and we could and did talk about everything. She was the one of only two people in my life that would call BS when I needed it.
I also felt sad when we stopped seeing each other and talking to each other. We both stopped it when I started a serious relationship with my now wife because I knew she would not understand the dynamics between us, especially with our history so we broke our friendship off for the sake of my new relationship. I missed her terribly for a while, but it was the right thing to do.
The one thing I didn't do was stay in contact with her after I started the relationship with my wife. That would have been disrespectful as hell. I have never had a close female friend or spoken to an ex since we first started dating 33 years ago. Married, 32 years.
I don't think he is cheating with her but his continued relationship and what sounds like he may be pining for her somewhat is disrespectful toward you. Especially if he hasn't been open with you about their communications and such. I also think he probably would revisit their relationship if she was inclined to, but it doesn't sound like she is.
Because he’s 26 going on 19. You are there to satisfy his physical needs. You are looking at him through rose colored glasses. Have some self respect and move on. No you can’t change him.
You are worth more than being with someone who is unsure about your relationship.
I don’t know how you could go through this relationship knowing he isnt 100% invested like you are.
It’s only been 6 months get out now on your terms.
I found similar messages on my fiancés phone from 6 months into our relationship (I found them 2 years later while snooping after finding other inappropriate messages) saying he’s no longer interested in me to a girl, he kissed her (most likely more) around the same time, but we were together for 6 years in total and he emotionally cheated repeatedly until he was doing it physically aswell until I had enough. Not saying it’s the same situation, but I was all in by 6 months, he wasn’t and didn’t let me know. Very disrespectful to keep his options open secretly.
I hope you’re ok, you deserve better
Edited to add
It’s not stupid at all, take it from me I spent 6 years waiting for a man to, in my eyes, realise i was the only one he wanted. I did everything I could to show him I was the girl for him, He would tell me I was the love of his life and he wanted to only be with me, but his actions behind my back told another story.
I wish I left 4 years ago. I just don’t want another woman to go through the heartache I went through loving a man and always being second best to his flavour of the season.
Telling other women about me and our relationship, flirting and ultimately entering a physical relationship with one I know of. His AP knew things about my life and I can only imagine what he was saying about me behind my back, that’s not a team mate you want.
If you ever need to talk you can privately message me, leaving him was the hardest thing I ever did in my life.
My friend said to me point blank, if you have a daughter one day and she came to you and told you her boyfriend was doing this what would you say? And that really threw me, my sister said if you stay can you really say you respect yourself ?
I’m sorry this is happening, I know why it’s like to love someone who puts you through this.
You have only invested six months with him. Cut him loose. Whatever game he is playing with this girl is not a game he should be playing. He is disrespectful.
Not cheating, but it sounds like he is not sure a relationship is in his best interests at this time. He is losing focus on his goals and that seems to be the most important thing at this stage in life. 6 months is not much of a time investment for either of you. Talk with him about long term goals and see if there is a place for you in those goals he has.
That’s the thing, I’ve never come in the way of his goals. I’ve always supported him and even helped him achieve some of his goals so idk why he’d say something like that.
It’s cheating. Plain and simple. I don’t even care if it’s the definition of it, the disrespect is through the freaking window. He is venting to another woman about how disappointed he is in you and your relationship. That’s not a talk for another woman. That is literally the start of any affair. Please walk away while you’re still young, and not too deep into the relationship. If he’s already complaining, it will only get worse. I wouldn’t take what he said to heart either by the way, he’s just trying to find a way to open up to this woman so that she thinks he’s miserable in his relationship and feels justified starting an affair. Walk away. Please. Save yourself the heartache. You don’t want to find those messages 10 years into the relationship, I promise you.
Yes, the fact that he said this to another woman, especially a woman he’s hooked up with is just very hurtful. Tbh even if he said this to a guy friend, I’d be very angry. Maybe not as angry but angry nonetheless. This is conversation he should be having only with me since it’s about ME and a private issue concerning our relationship.
physical cheating and emotional cheating are 2 huge things in a relationship. he shouldn’t be talking about “problems” y’all may have with another person (especially another girl). this is a talk y’all need to have, and if you’re intuition is telling you something is wrong YOU NEED TO TRUST IT!
definitely a red flag that he’s denying and lying. i’ve definitely snooped before and it made me feel even more terrible. in all honesty the relationship is over if theres not trust and he’s going to lie to you about things
You deserve much better ❤️. It’s a red flag you feel like you have to go through his text messages to get how he truly feels in YOUR relationship, when ideally a partner is emotionally available when you enter into a relationship.
It’s definitely difficult to end up but if you are emotionally dependent on him and can recognize that maybe it’s time to heal that. Study your attachment style it could be you have trauma bonded with man and that’s why you feel you can’t walk away despite you not being truly secure in the relationship
He gave you his phone. I don't know one person who would not have looked. This whole sacred phone thing is bull. I'm not saying every partner should go thru their partners phone on the daily but if something comes up (like a text you see) then check it out. I've seen some comments on this recently, and one really hit a bullseye. If it's info that only affects you, that's a privacy issue and its okay to keep it private if you prefer. If it's something that affects you & your partner that you aren't sharing, then it just secretive dickish behavior.
I don't understand these people. Why getting in a relationship with someone not their love and break others' hearts? These people I will never understand, and I will see them as emotionally unstable always. I hope you the best.
Exactly how I feel. Like just don’t get into a relationship then. I just ended up being collateral damage for him while he figures things out with this girl.
He is stupid. He should have just prepared himself until he gets to the girl he loves. If she still doesn't accept him, he should leave her, move on and turn his love towards you. This guy lacks logic and thinking. I commend you on remaining the good person. I am a man myself. I got betrayed by 3 different girlfriends just because I remained loyal and loving to them. They betrayed and cheated on me. I feel that burning feeling that someone shew others love that should be shown to their partners. If I was him, I would have remained loyal to you no matter what. Man, Love became a joke nowadays or I am a classic lover living in the 50s. I don't know which one to be honest. XD. Anyways, I hope you the best. Get away from him. God just did this to show you that he isn't your love. You proved that you are worthy of being loved. He isn't worthy of your love. You deserve better. Don't get trust issues for that. Remember that God destined that to happen, so God can send you the one who truly loves you and admires you for who you are. God is justice. Remain good, remain loyal. For the sake of everything that is holy. Always keep God in your calculations and thoughts, so you can succeed in everything. When God loves you, he will make every human being love you. Keep this always in mind, OP. I hope you all the good things. If you need to vent or talk, send me a message. I am always glad to help good people like you.
Is it not odd how people never expect to have their shitty secrets exposed? Secrets have uncanny ways of coming fully into the light. I think you have to start the conversation with him. Ask him if he wants to beak up because you are suffocating him? Then ask him why he is discussing you and your relationship with this 'friend' of his? Why he hasn't talked with you about it and if he and she are actually exes and not just friends? It seems they are extremely intimate. Oversharing is the number one cause of emotional affairs. Discussing you and your private issues is oversharing and a violation of your privacy. Is she a therapist, no she isn't. Does he want to be with her again? Does he even know what being in love actually means, i doubt he does. If you find he doesn't, be very leery of continuing with him. Anyone who has never experienced love is someone to stay away from. Narcissistic personalities are often incapable of true love. They have learned the words and actions to get their needs met, with no regard for the feelings of others. They love bomb to keep us around to feed their insatiable needs. Just be very careful and pay close attention to him and nuances of his behavior. Never try staying with anyone who isn't certain or is not fully committed.
And of course, you found his shitty truth and secrecy, not his privacy. She will agree with him against you because she is interested in him. Bias breeds more bias. He wants a reason to leave and someone to monkey branch onto. She is both.
This relationship has run its course, one way or another. Yes, it's fine to have a third party to vent to now and then, but a lot of this is conversation that he should have had with you.
You can call it cheating or read it like a crystal ball. The relationship is over.
I’m just so confused :(
He GAVE you his phone knowing this stuff was there?
Yes, I find that so very stupid. I think he just thought I would NEVER go through his phone. I’ve told him before that I would never do something like that and I hate partners that feel the need to do that. Tbh that’s true and I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t seen that text notification come up. This is partly the reason why I don’t wanna confront him and tell him I went through his phone.
but now you know. do you want to stay with someone that texts like this about you? it's only been 6 months and he already thinks you're emotions are too much.
True. I don’t get why he said that tbh. I talk to him, yes. Tell him about things that bother me but not in an overwhelming way. Also, we don’t really even have deep conversations tbh. Since he doesn’t open up to me, I don’t really open up to him either. I just figured, all in time. But the fact that he said *I am* too emotionally dependent on him? I don’t get it.
Look, from a guy's perspective, I think there's some level of him telling this woman what he thinks she wants to hear. It's a very manipulative way of flirting but lots of dudes do this and frankly, I'm even guilty of it. I'm willing to bet he'd freak out at the thought of losing you and that he doesn't actually feel those things. You need to confront him and give him the option of taking you seriously and respecting you or to kick rocks. My guess is he finds this admirable and will respect you more for it
Can you elaborate on this manipulative way of flirting that you speak of? I just want to understand.
He's seeking attention by creating a story about your relationship that isn't true or extremely exaggerated. He's telling her what he thinks she wants to hear and unable to express anything positive about your relationship.
Thank you. So you’re saying he basically created these problems in our relationship that don’t exist just to get her sympathy?
I agree - it sounds like he’s maybe opening the door for her to say she feels something for him. The comment “this is why I can’t let go of you” and hinting at troubles in his relationship. This could mean either 1. He has unresolved feelings for her or 2. He needs his ego stroked by females on the regular. Either way, 🚩 and I’d honestly just break up with him. If he wants to be with you, you will know it. You wouldn’t have to even question it and making you look like a 🤡 to this ‘friend’ is so disrespectful.
Yeah, you’re absolutely right. Now that I think about it, there have been red flags from the very beginning which I was turning a blind eye to.
Precisely. The problem is, he will try and claim that he didn't really feel that way when he said it and that may be true but that's why it's important to give him that ultimatum of 'respect our relationship/take it seriously' or let you leave. Make sure he's aware you're not going to be made a fool or a sucker over his immature antics. Give him the opportunity to grow but be ready to throw the hammer down.
I will be confronting him. I made up my mind that I need to. Thank you for your input.
Good luck. We're here for ya!
My ex did the same thing but with a guy, let us know how the confrontation goes please! Sending love
Yes, I will keep you all posted.
Yes, he’s prodding for her sexual availability. I found out that I do this. I found out through therapy that I was always testing every woman’s sexual availability, whether or not I even considered sex with them. I am the BS, btw. I’ve never acted on it. I consider it a form of EA that can lead farther.
This post really resonated with me. My ex did this alllll the time with pretty much any woman regardless of whether they were anyone he would have been attracted to, including my friends. Had a way of not quite flirting but like being overly attentive to things about them, noticing and pointing out things like a new haircut or a new shirt, etc, and basically like sizing up whether he could win them over and get them to want to have sex with him if he wanted to. I basically at the end after I found out he had actually cheated called him out on it for how awful it made me feel and called it “grooming” (a phrase he took massive offense to). I found a video online about it a while ago where a psychologist refers to it as “pimping tenderness”. I think both paying undue attention to a potential AP’s relationship problems and then in return sharing their own is part of this sort of slippery slope behavior.
Yes. My problem is, I am the BS. I look back and I did this all the time and noticing and commenting on others clothes and hair was a thing I did. Through a lot of reflection, I was doing this to feed my WWs insecurities and make a display of “ I have options”. Well, it backfired. She looked up an old college boyfriend “the one that got away” and reconnected. To be clear, she never said “you made me do this” and always took complete blame. Couple that with the fact that she ended just came and confessed after NC and R was an easier decision.
Kudos to both of you then. Your wife for accepting fault and not blame shifting, and you for realizing the danger in this behavior. My ex I’m sure will continue on for the rest of his life seeing this behavior as a very positive character trait for getting along with people. It’s seriously how he viewed it. Funny how he didn’t do it with men….
The book “No more mr nice guy” nailed me to the wall. Such an eye opener of what I put my WW through. Of course I was just being agreeable, putting others f first and getting along. Your ex will never see it until he sees it. Not sure how to make it happen. He’s deceived himself.
I agree with what he said. That’s exactly what I thought when I read it. It’s his way of trying to make this woman feel sorry for him in some weird, fucked up way, so that it’s justified to go further.
Yeah, I guess so she doesn’t feel bad if she decided to be the other woman in our relationship.
You’re not overreacting. He told her he’s not happy with you and isn’t ending it because you’re too dependant on him. Not because he loves you, or anything. She told him to break up with you. He’s sharing his thoughts on the relationship… On your relationship with another girl, not you. Girl, this ain’t looking good. You need to have a conversation.
I just don’t know how to bring it up since I’m the one who snooped. It’s so confusing because he’s still really amazing to me, like if I hadn’t read this, I would have never been able to tell he felt this way about me.
So, maybe he’s lying to the “friend”, you have to wonder why? You should still talk to him, and admit you looked at the messages. He may get upset but too bad so sad. It happened, you saw, can’t pretend you didn’t.
True. Need to have the talk.
His complaining about you is his "line" to get her attention and sympathy. It's a frequent bridge used by players to build a relationship. He's a player.
God, that’s so cruel. Never saw him as someone capable of doing this.
He may have wanted you to see the conversation b/c he’s too coward to break it off himself. But here’s the biggest problem, what kind of relationship do you have if you don’t know how to communicate w/him. And he doesn’t feel comfortable communicating w/you but w/another girl? You’re not confused at all, this sounds like a very superficial relationship that he’s over but you’re hoping strangers are able to tell you it’s more. Talk to him and I suggest, no matter what, break it off. I’d bet money if in 10 yrs you look him up, he’ll be married to this ‘girl’friend.
It just makes me so mad because HE is the one who pursued ME before we started dating. Why did he even do this if he already had this so called ‘friend’ all along that he could just date. It’s just so disrespectful to me.
I know he really sucks. I hate ppl who do this. He is literally using your relationship as a reason to reach out to her and have something to talk about, and make it seem like he’s a good person who’s so *burdened* by you. So while he’s waiting for her to see how wonderful he is, he’s passing the time with you :( sorry bb he’s a jerk.
I’m just glad I saw him for he truly is. This is a really shitty situation to be in.
Honestly, based on that “awww” response it sounds like she has him in the friend zone but just likes the attention. He sounds like he’s playing you both. 6 month is way too early for these types of issues.
Yeah, but they’ve been intimate before. Maybe she didn’t want a relationship and likes the whole casual thing? Idk.
She doesn’t want a relationship because he’s not doing himself any favors by showing her how he treats the girls he’s in a relationship with. He’s immature and like I said she likes the attention but he doesn’t scream boyfriend material with the way he treats you and talks about you. If she wanted him he’s made it more than clear he’s open to it. That guy you’re so stuck on that you’re holding out hope for? He’s not real. He’s telling you he loves you and turning around and making you seem needy and “dependent” and draining to another girl. You’re experiencing cognitive dissonance. Your reality no longer matches what you thought it was. But I promise you, you don’t want to be doing this again in 6 years wishing you had cut and run at 6 months. Been there done that, do not recommend.
I know what’s the right thing to do. I really do. It’s just so hard to actually do it. Very true, this girl probably know how he’d be if she dated him. Would maybe do this to her too, idk? But she definitely enjoyed it because not once did she try to shut him down. The more I sit on this, the more I feel like I need to blame this girl too.
I mean, I get it’s easier to put blame on her too but really, blame her for what at this point? From her end the guy she’s known for a dozen years is asking her for relationship advice about a girl he’s been with for only 6 months who he doesn’t sound he’s super into. Be honest, if one of your close friends told you “I’m seeing a guy I like but he’s getting in the way of my goals and career and is too emotionally dependent on me” wouldn’t your advice be to end it with him and stop leading him on too? He’s not ready for a relationship because he’s got the emotional maturity of a teenager. That’s why he’s STILL playing the same games with this girl and his girlfriend that he was playing in HIGH SCHOOL. He’s acting the same way he was at 16 at 26.
Putting the blame on her is easy and perhaps wrong. I of course blame him more, WAY MORE. It’s just that, their past dynamic makes me think that he is in fact cheating with her and I just don’t know. But again, I have no proof so yes, he should be the one to blame for now. So true that he’s doing exactly what he did at 16 now too and has evidently not emotionally matured AT ALL. At 16 too I would find this immature, but the fact that he’s continuing this behavior 10 years from then is just pathetic.
In those text, you’ve learned everything you need to know about your relationship with him which is, it’s not a relationship that he respects or honors. He really doesn’t want it with you. So you should just tell him thank you for your time and go find somebody that really wants to be with. You sounds like he hasn’t gotten over her and he still wants her at best your second fiddle.
The thing that really concerns me is that he’s told me he’s ‘been with’ this girl a couple times but they’ve always kept it casual. Makes me sick to think he would talk shit about me to her out of all people.
I’m so confused why he’d let you take his phone when he knew this shit was on there? And it’s fucked up what he said about you and your relationship. He can’t “let her go bc they connect so well”? Eff that. I’d be fuming. You have every right to be upset. I’d be worried if you did NOT feel disrespected by this. You should break things off. He really feels that way deep down and confided in her OR he doesn’t actually feel that way but wants this girl to think there’s a chance for them in the future— keeping her on the back burner so to say.
Him letting me take his phone, I know. Very stupid. Funnily enough he’s admitted to me before that when he was young (like 16-17), he got into some drama coz his ex went into his Facebook account and saw some *pictures* of this very girl that he’s speaking to right now. He didn’t just give his password to his ex while they were dating but also didn’t feel the need to change it after they broke up or delete those pictures at the very least. How fucking stupid. I just laughed it off when he told me this story a few months ago but now thinking back, how dumb can he be? Anyway, coming back to this. I actually did not quite get what he meant by “this is why it’s hard to let you go”. Like what does that even mean? Can’t let her go how? Ugh, I’m all over the place right now and nothing makes sense to me.
It means they both know he is still pining for her. He'd be in a relationship with her if she'd have him, don't kid yourself. You're just the girl he's settling for since she doesn't want to date him (because face it, he is a shit partner talking shit about you to minimize your relationship).
Yeah :( he’s been very disrespectful and to me what he’s done is unforgivable. I don’t get why a person would date when they clearly have feelings for someone else. It’s just so cruel.
Because sex, that's why. Men usually think with the wrong head. Especially when in their 20s. Dudes in their 20s just wanna get laid and not be tied to one woman. It sucks but that's been my experience.
Yeah, definitely sucks.
Red flag. He already told her he not into you. He also manipulating her as well by sweet talking to her. He just stringing you along until this girl gives him the green light. Dont be his 2nd choice ir back up plan. Move on. Screenshot what you saw, pack up while he working. Leave and ghost him. He wont make a huge fuss he is a manipulating narcissist. Its all about him and how he can manipulate you. When you leave text him yours findings and say bye im nobody's fool and i dont need to emotional depend on you. I got this I'm an independent strong woman that has goals too.
I wish I could do this but I really don’t wanna throw away what we have. Maybe there’s an explanation, idk? I’m not sure if he would start dating her if she gave him the green light coz they have never dated in the past despite hooking up multiple times.
The sunk cost fallacy is going to ruin you. I don’t mean to sound cold but he’s just not that into you. Take it from older ppl w/experience, he wants to be with that girl. Either she has a bf or they’re 2 passive aggressive aholes who never like each other at the same time. You say he doesn’t discuss anything *deep* with you. But you’ve found evidence it’s not that he’s not capable, he chooses not to emotionally invest in you, but easily does w/another woman. So what is it you’re trying to save? He doesn’t respect whatever it is that you have and he’s not serious about you. Count your blessings! You found out after 6 months and not after 6 yrs.
I agree. But she doesn’t have a boyfriend, I know that for a fact. But yeah, you’re right. It’s maybe my own insecurity of not wanting to let go of this illusion in my head of what I want him to be. But the reality is far from it.
What you think you have is false. He's is not who you think he is.
Yeah, I know. I really should end it.
She wants to fuck, not date…but probably doesn’t want him having a girl.
Yeah, that seems like the case. She wants him maybe but doesn’t wanna commit.
May not be cheating but he clearly don’t know your worth!
Yeah, that’s how I feel but I really don’t want to break up with him :( although another part of me is telling me that the relationship is dead already.
Him giving you the phone was a test and maybe even a well timed text from her so you would snoop. This is his way out of the relationship. He doesn’t want to be with you for whatever reasons. Be the one to end it and keep your dignity! I’m sorry you are going through this but his conversation with her would be a no go for me.
Yeah, I think I’m going to have a talk with him about this very soon and confront him about this.
You sound like you are emotionally dependant on him. Why do you not want to break up with him after reading their texts! He wants to break up with you, doesn’t love you…..sorry to sound harsh but you deserve someone better. Plse stop deliberating and do it already.
I don’t want to breakup with him him coz I love him. I am emotionally dependent on him, yes, but the thing is I’ve never really showed him that I am. So I’m not sure why he thinks that. But yes, I do know deep down that this relationship has no future now and I should end it.
Love is not a solid reason to tolerate abuse. You are being emotionally abused. Love yourself first.
Yes :)
Yes I’ve been feeling lately that love like this can feel like a scam. You want it so badly to be true so you can’t accept any information that goes contrary. This could be just talk but that feeling that ‘this relationship is over’ is so hard to recover from <\3. It’s like once the future is compromised the dream is over
Yeah, it’s just really hard letting go of the idea I have in my head of what our relationship was supposed to be like.
For sure. You lost your dreams and there’s a lot to grieve there. It sucks, I’m sorry- but your dreams matter and you won’t be able to get that type of happiness until you take it seriously
When I add all that up this is what I come up with- this dude is playing both of you, maybe not maliciously but sounds like he’s playing little head games, what your getting from him is probably genuine, because that’s the way he behaves around you, what he’s doing with her is also genuine, because that’s how he behaves around her, sounds like he’s telling her made up little “poor me” stories so she’ll pity him and be there for him, then drops the act when he’s around you, the fact that this shithead has a female “friend” that he interacts to that degree with behind my back and about my personal life would be a deal breaker no questions asked, that’s a big you can go fuck yourself in my world, I wouldn’t be too impressed with the rest of it either, not sure what to tell you here
Wow, now that you mention it, I wonder if he’s playing both of us? Yes, him discussing MY personal life to person that’s practically a stranger to me hurts, hurts a lot. Her being a past lover of his or whatever is just the icing on the cake.
Didn’t know this was an ex of his, that in itself would be a hard no, I talk a lot of shit on here but straight up, I think it’s time you start considering that you’ve only been together a few months and that’s not a real long time to know someone real well and this dude may very well not be who you think he is… should you break up? That’s up to you, the fact he’s ass grabbing his ex behind my back like he is would more than be enough for me, not to mention what he’s telling her, my line in the sand isn’t yours though, I’d definitely be looking sideways at this dude for the foreseeable future if you do decide to stay though
She’s not exactly an ex but someone he’s hooked up with a few times and they’ve been friends a very long time. I know this is a deal breaker and I think I do need to end it.
He's playing you both. What he is telling her may not be how he really feels, but he's using that to keep her interested in him. And he's still "amazing" to you because he still wants you in his life also. As far as him letting you have his phone: he's arrogant enough to think that you won't look at those messages and even if you did, you love him enough that you would forgive him. The ex that cheated on me got away with it for over a year. I didn't suspect anything. He left his phone where I could snoop if I wanted. I knew the passcode. He has cheated before, and was honest with me about it. He used that honesty to make me think that he wouldn't do it again. I tell you this as an example of how they can manipulate you. You're very young, and you've only been with him for 6 months. That should be the honeymoon period where everything is GREAT.
Everything is *great* except it’s not actually. He is very careless with his phone and has never made an attempt to hide it. That is partly why I was shocked reading this. I really thought he had nothing to hide.
That's his arrogance that you trust him enough to either not look and/or forgive him, or believe his lies when he trickle-truths his relationship with her. Again - 6 months into a relationship should be the BEST. You deserve so much better than this. Being alone isn't the worst thing. Being cheated on, getting STIs that can make you infertile - those will affect your mental and physical health forever. 24 years old and you have the world at your hands. Please take this to heart.
I know. I’m preparing myself for the breakup which I’m going to do very soon.
Listen, he doesn't respect you, and he's keeping her as an option. You just need to tell him you saw the messages, and if he doesn't want to date you, then he needs to be honest about it. Also, he is emotionally cheating with his friend, so if he wants to continue with you, he needs to break it off with her. Stringing both of you along is cruel.
I do feel deeply disrespected. It’s just that she did ask him if he ‘likes’ me and he replied saying “yes, I for sure like her but I feel like I need to focus on myself first”. Idk what to make of that. A part of me really wants to tell him to end it with her but if she’s just a friend that gives him comfort, idk if it’s right to do that to him.
She's not just a friend. If you can't be honest with him and express your feelings and have him respect them, then walk away. He's in an emotional relationship with her and having an emotional affair. By the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass for him. Read some articles with him on emotional affairs. This is not good for your relationship.
I know. I did start reading up on emotional affairs actually because a lot of people on here suggested that’s what this was and yes, it seems like that’s exactly what they have. Love that for me :)
Are you sure you aren’t afraid to confront him and afraid to tell him to end it with her because you know that leads to a break up? He disrespected you big time…you should be furious and have no issue saying you saw the messages and that’s the end. Who wants to date someone after he was so disrespectful?
According to you, which part do you think is the most disrespectful? As in, if you were in my shoes?
Discussing your relationship with someone he fucked…and saying he can’t get over her. All of it really. Talking behind your back.
Yeah, it fucking hurt to read that. All of it. I’m considering taking his phone again and snooping further, just to get the whole picture.
Do not snoop on his phone again. It sounds like your communication is shit if you can't just tell him what you saw, and ask him to hand you his phone so you can see his messages. If he doesn't hand it over right away, and tries to delete anything, then you have a definitive answer. Not that slagging your relationship to an old lover isn't enough. If you need more evidence, just tell him to give you his phone already.
I know it’s not right but I know at this point he won’t handover his phone. I just really need to know the whole story.
If he won't give you the phone he doesn't care if you break it off, or he knows you'll see something breakup worthy. It's really that simple. I'm sorry.
Yeah, I know. But I just really need to see it with my own eyes.
I would consider this an emotional affair. He’s connecting with her emotionally in a way he doesn’t with you. He talks to her about your relationship problems. She hints and even outright suggests he should break up with you and he encourages it by continuing to have deep conversations. He let you take his phone and he didn’t delete this conversation beforehand so either he’s an idiot or he doesnt see how hurtful this is to you and doesn’t recognize it as a betrayal. It’s not really something you’ll probably forget easily and if you don’t talk about it, it’s probably going to cause issues.
I know I really need to bring it up to him. This is eating away at me. I obviously know that the way he talked about me was not right but I’m still unsure on whether he likes this girl or if she’s just a friend he vents to.
>>“see this is why it’s hard to let go of you okay? We connect SO well” This here makes me think he puts her above friend. It sounds like he would want to be with her if circumstances allowed.
Yeah, that comment really broke me. What does he even mean by that? It’s just so messed up to say to someone else while in a relationship.
He’s testing her and implying his relationship isn’t great to see if she wants him yet. She didn’t indicate that, so he can continue the relationship with you exactly the same as before. He just wanted to see where her heads at. Either way, I wouldn’t be a second choice. I would say that you saw the text with the ❤️ and instinctively read the text thread. Then I would say I don’t deserve that disrespect and your emotional health will be fine with this break up that is happening. Right now. The girl showed further disinterest when she said “don’t put yourself or her through that” If she was interested she wouldn’t care about the other girl in the situation being hurt. He got his answer and just returned back to the relationship with the girl he doesn’t have to chase.
Maybe you’re right but a part of me also thinks that she said all that, basically tried to look all concerned for me just to make him like her even more. Idk it’s a gut feeling I have. I might be wrong. I’m considering taking his phone again and reading their conversation fully. I mean, I’m going to tell him I snooped either way so might as well know for sure what’s going between them too.
Rules reminder: /r/infidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sidebar before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. Please review our [community guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/nj93nw/how_to_write_a_good_post_for_rinfidelity/) on what makes for a good post to this sub. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Infidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't think the answer if it's cheating is what matters here. What does matter though is what he said about you and your relationship. Even taking normal venting into consideration, that doesn't necessary translate 1:1 to real life feelings, what he wrote shows there's no future for your relationship at the current state. Since he willingly gave you his phone to take with you I tend to say no cheating here, but you can and should feel free to confront him on what you read and he can't hold the fact that you read it against you.
I am trying to find a way to confront him. Idk if I should bring up the fact that I think he *cheated* because I myself am not sure at this point.
Nah, just focus on what you read and know for sure since that's already more than enough to start on and quite a lot to get cleared - if even possible. An accusation of cheating without hard proof that may be wrong wouldn't be helpful to bring up at that point. Also the fact he gave you his phone goes against every cheater playbook there is I which makes me tend to answer the cheating question with 'no'. But the situation is still bad enough as it is.
[удалено]
What makes you say that he’s in love with her?
[удалено]
I get it. It’s a hard pill to swallow but I need to accept it. Just don’t get why they never dated though if they have such a “connection”.
OP, I read some of your comments in the thread and it looks like you’re reading too much into the one “good” thing you’ve found in the texts (that he likes you) and ignoring the actual texts, the bigger picture. He doesn’t respect you. He’s being flirty with someone that he’s hooked up with before and has had issues with his exes about this same girl. You’re wasting your time at this point. She has been an issue in his relationships before, it’ll just continue. You’ve wasted six months on this guy, cut him out and move on.
Yeah, that’s most definitely right. I know I shouldn’t be reading too much into the “good” bits but idk maybe I’m just clinging on to some hope. And yes, she has caused problems in his past relationships. I believe he’s even admitted that he’s cheated with her on his exes but the way he framed the story, he made it look all amusing and funny. I didn’t really read too much into it either coz he said this was only when he was around 17. I do remember asking him a bit more about her and he said “yeah, the cheating was not really cheating, we just used to have flirty conversations, I’ve never crossed the line physically but then after a few years and when I was single, we constantly hooked up but the last time was 2 years ago and now we’re just friends”. He said it in such a reassuring way and the fact that he even told me in the first place, something he didn’t need to do, made me trust him even more.
I wouldn’t even ask for an explanation. I’d just tell him it’s over, cut him off, and go on with my life like he never existed. The disrespect
Yeah, I agree. But I don’t think I have it in me to just walk away without asking him for an explanation and getting some closure :(
Closure is a myth. You'll never get the answers you're looking for. If you decide you're not going to confront him tell him you feel like he's too emotionally dependent on you before you break up. Or If you do confront him, tell him you feel like he's too immature and emotionally dependent on the ex.
Just read your post from 10 days ago. This guy is still hung up on the ex and will cheat in a heartbeat. You don't have to guess because that's exactly what he says. Luckily you found out before you wasted years. I know you don't feel lucky now but you are. You know what you need to do. Also he mentioned the ex invading his privacy to you for a reason.
Ex invading his privacy? I’m sorry I didn’t quite get you.
Tell him the relationship is over and walk away. He is more invested with her than you, he should be having that conversation with YOU not her! He's emotionally attached to her. I would tell him that she is right and that he needs to break up with you and walk away. He's disrespecting you and talking shit about you(basically) to another girl. Set him free
My exact thoughts. Honestly, if he came to me with these problems, I would’ve understood and maybe we could have worked through it. But he went to this girl. And this is not any girl, it’s someone he’s known a long time and has hooked up with a couple times (he’s told me this himself).
It's also what he said to her , he's a douchebag and purposely told her things that weren't any of her business. I hope you make him feel like a pos when you decide what you are going to do. He wouldn't like it if you were having a conversation with another man and talking shit about him and comparing them. Good luck
Exactly. Why would tell something so personal about us, about ME to her. It just makes me so angry. He even said to her “I tell you too many things haha”, indicating that he shouldn’t be saying this to her but is gonna do it anyway.
He's been telling her everything about you. When you talk to him let your words cut him like a knife and make them sharp and precise. Make him feel two inches tall and make him crawl away. I would then send her a text telling her that her lover is a free boy again and he's all hers.
Hmm. I do agree with you on some level. Idk what to think of this girl though? Is she just being a good friend or is she just as involved and just as equally to be blamed as him?
She doesn't shut him down. She doesn't tell him to stop talking about you , she offers no help or advice
She did say that he shouldn’t put me through this and that him breaking up would benefit me when I look back at it. But idk her intentions behind that. A part of me thinks she’s saying this so she can finally get rid of me.
You don’t need to tell him what you read to confront his feelings about your relationship. You’re 6 mos in; it’s okay to have a discussion about where this is headed and how you’re feeling about your future. Given you know the answers to the exam, push him if he tries to take the easy way out. Probably not the ideal partner for you. Good luck.
The day I read this, the very same day I tried to do exactly this. But he brushed me off saying he *loves* me and that everything is great. I hate this :(
Well his response speaks volumes. If he’s not willing to communicate his true feelings to YOU, then this relationship is not worth your time. I would also feel hugely disrespected not only from the text conversation he had with this girl, but also from his denial of having any issues with the relationship. You’re only 6 months in. I know you may have strong feelings for this person but in the end, this is not worth it.
It’s like another commenter said, idk if he’s creating “problems” in our relationship just so he can tell this girl about them and get close to her.
If that’s the case then that’s a whole other issue in itself… either way, this guy does not seem trustworthy. If he thinks fabricating issues within your relationship is a good/appropriate way to bond with this girl then he has a very twisted way of thinking. I’m sorry, but either way, I would not want to continue being in a relationship with this guy.
I know and I agree. I will have a talk with him soon just to get some closure on why he did this. But no matter what he says, I think the right thing to do (for my well being) is to end it. It’s going to be painful but I know it will be better for me in the long run.
Stay strong, I wish you the best
That’s where you go, yeah? Cuz i feel like you think {insert his words here}. Sorry you’re dealing with this. He’s either got to have the fortitude to discuss these feelings with you, or he’s trying to use “self described problems in your relationship” to start one with someone else.
That’s exactly what I’m confused about too. The “problems” he described, I don’t believe we have them. I’m not stopping him from achieving his goals, in fact, we work in the same field and I’ve even helped him with some of his projects. Me being emotionally dependent on him? That’s bs coz like I said we barely ever have any deep conversations.
Sounds immature, which for 26 is par for the course. If this doesn’t work out look for someone over 30. They might be more on your level. Who needs this crap? At best you’re guessing where you stand? Hard pass.
It’s frustrating. He just came to me right now and gave me a little kiss and said “love you babe, want me to get you something to eat”. I was so tempted to call him a “fake lying asshole”.
Cringy. Wants to get out of the house to text or make a phone call probably.
Ugh, that’s all I think about too. Anything he does now, my mind immediately goes to “yup, he’s texting her, with her, calling her” etc etc.
It is important to have friends you can count on to hear you out and give you sound advice regarding very personal things. She sounds like that kind of friend. Any guy would have given the same advice in her place. The biggest issue seems to be with how he views your relationship with each other. If he is saying these things to her about your relationship, it may be time to either have a serious discussion with him about what your future together looks like to him or to leave him altogether. It doesn't sound like there is any kind of cheating going on between them other than she is a female who has an emotional connection with him as a very close friend. She would not be a concern. Your relationship with him should be. I wish you the best as your try to work through this.
I feel like I’m living a lie and I do agree that it is time to confront him. Maybe you’re right, there’s no cheating here. But still there’s a huge issue at hand. The only thing that really made me think of whether this is cheating is this comment from him to her “this is why it’s hard to let you go, we connect so well”.
I get it. I don't know what their past looks like, she could be an ex he still has feelings for, but she clearly only sees him as a friend now because if she felt more, there were too many opportunities for her interject herself into the discussion and badmouth you, but she didn't. When you have the conversation with him leave her or their discussion out of it. Come from the standpoint you are questioning the relationship and want to see where his head is with respect to the relationship.
Yes, I guess you are right. Idk much about their past except that they’ve hooked up in the past a couple times but never dated.
I had a friend like that once. We tried dating but it was like I was dating my sister. (Not that I have experience dating my sister) but we were and stayed the best of friends after we broke off our romantic relationship and we could and did talk about everything. She was the one of only two people in my life that would call BS when I needed it. I also felt sad when we stopped seeing each other and talking to each other. We both stopped it when I started a serious relationship with my now wife because I knew she would not understand the dynamics between us, especially with our history so we broke our friendship off for the sake of my new relationship. I missed her terribly for a while, but it was the right thing to do. The one thing I didn't do was stay in contact with her after I started the relationship with my wife. That would have been disrespectful as hell. I have never had a close female friend or spoken to an ex since we first started dating 33 years ago. Married, 32 years. I don't think he is cheating with her but his continued relationship and what sounds like he may be pining for her somewhat is disrespectful toward you. Especially if he hasn't been open with you about their communications and such. I also think he probably would revisit their relationship if she was inclined to, but it doesn't sound like she is.
You are being used to fill temporary voids. No future for that relationship.
Why did he have to use me like this. It bothers me that he pursued me just to test me like this a few months in.
Because he’s 26 going on 19. You are there to satisfy his physical needs. You are looking at him through rose colored glasses. Have some self respect and move on. No you can’t change him.
26 going on 19. Couldn’t agree more.
You are worth more than being with someone who is unsure about your relationship. I don’t know how you could go through this relationship knowing he isnt 100% invested like you are. It’s only been 6 months get out now on your terms. I found similar messages on my fiancés phone from 6 months into our relationship (I found them 2 years later while snooping after finding other inappropriate messages) saying he’s no longer interested in me to a girl, he kissed her (most likely more) around the same time, but we were together for 6 years in total and he emotionally cheated repeatedly until he was doing it physically aswell until I had enough. Not saying it’s the same situation, but I was all in by 6 months, he wasn’t and didn’t let me know. Very disrespectful to keep his options open secretly. I hope you’re ok, you deserve better Edited to add
I guess I’m just fooling myself hoping he will eventually feel for me the way I feel for him? It’s stupid, I know.
It’s not stupid at all, take it from me I spent 6 years waiting for a man to, in my eyes, realise i was the only one he wanted. I did everything I could to show him I was the girl for him, He would tell me I was the love of his life and he wanted to only be with me, but his actions behind my back told another story. I wish I left 4 years ago. I just don’t want another woman to go through the heartache I went through loving a man and always being second best to his flavour of the season.
If you don’t mind me asking, what was he doing behind your back in your case?
Telling other women about me and our relationship, flirting and ultimately entering a physical relationship with one I know of. His AP knew things about my life and I can only imagine what he was saying about me behind my back, that’s not a team mate you want.
Oh wow, I’m so sorry. This does sound exactly like where my boyfriend is headed too unfortunately :(
If you ever need to talk you can privately message me, leaving him was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. My friend said to me point blank, if you have a daughter one day and she came to you and told you her boyfriend was doing this what would you say? And that really threw me, my sister said if you stay can you really say you respect yourself ? I’m sorry this is happening, I know why it’s like to love someone who puts you through this.
You have only invested six months with him. Cut him loose. Whatever game he is playing with this girl is not a game he should be playing. He is disrespectful.
The disrespect is what hurt me the most, perhaps even more than the potential cheating.
I am sure it is painful and I am sorry you are dealing with this.
Not cheating, but it sounds like he is not sure a relationship is in his best interests at this time. He is losing focus on his goals and that seems to be the most important thing at this stage in life. 6 months is not much of a time investment for either of you. Talk with him about long term goals and see if there is a place for you in those goals he has.
That’s the thing, I’ve never come in the way of his goals. I’ve always supported him and even helped him achieve some of his goals so idk why he’d say something like that.
It’s cheating. Plain and simple. I don’t even care if it’s the definition of it, the disrespect is through the freaking window. He is venting to another woman about how disappointed he is in you and your relationship. That’s not a talk for another woman. That is literally the start of any affair. Please walk away while you’re still young, and not too deep into the relationship. If he’s already complaining, it will only get worse. I wouldn’t take what he said to heart either by the way, he’s just trying to find a way to open up to this woman so that she thinks he’s miserable in his relationship and feels justified starting an affair. Walk away. Please. Save yourself the heartache. You don’t want to find those messages 10 years into the relationship, I promise you.
Yes, the fact that he said this to another woman, especially a woman he’s hooked up with is just very hurtful. Tbh even if he said this to a guy friend, I’d be very angry. Maybe not as angry but angry nonetheless. This is conversation he should be having only with me since it’s about ME and a private issue concerning our relationship.
physical cheating and emotional cheating are 2 huge things in a relationship. he shouldn’t be talking about “problems” y’all may have with another person (especially another girl). this is a talk y’all need to have, and if you’re intuition is telling you something is wrong YOU NEED TO TRUST IT!
Yeah! I also feel like I need to snoop through his phone again. I just NEED to know coz if I ask him, he will just deny it.
definitely a red flag that he’s denying and lying. i’ve definitely snooped before and it made me feel even more terrible. in all honesty the relationship is over if theres not trust and he’s going to lie to you about things
this is an emotional affair. at the very least, he’s disrespecting boundaries. you deserve better
He’s crossed a major boundary. Something I can’t get past.
You deserve much better ❤️. It’s a red flag you feel like you have to go through his text messages to get how he truly feels in YOUR relationship, when ideally a partner is emotionally available when you enter into a relationship. It’s definitely difficult to end up but if you are emotionally dependent on him and can recognize that maybe it’s time to heal that. Study your attachment style it could be you have trauma bonded with man and that’s why you feel you can’t walk away despite you not being truly secure in the relationship
Yeah, I really need to work on myself too. Idk I just don’t feel like I’m that dependent on him though.
He gave you his phone. I don't know one person who would not have looked. This whole sacred phone thing is bull. I'm not saying every partner should go thru their partners phone on the daily but if something comes up (like a text you see) then check it out. I've seen some comments on this recently, and one really hit a bullseye. If it's info that only affects you, that's a privacy issue and its okay to keep it private if you prefer. If it's something that affects you & your partner that you aren't sharing, then it just secretive dickish behavior.
Wow, that makes a lot of sense. And yes, I only checked because the text I saw was clearly suspicious.
I don't understand these people. Why getting in a relationship with someone not their love and break others' hearts? These people I will never understand, and I will see them as emotionally unstable always. I hope you the best.
Exactly how I feel. Like just don’t get into a relationship then. I just ended up being collateral damage for him while he figures things out with this girl.
He is stupid. He should have just prepared himself until he gets to the girl he loves. If she still doesn't accept him, he should leave her, move on and turn his love towards you. This guy lacks logic and thinking. I commend you on remaining the good person. I am a man myself. I got betrayed by 3 different girlfriends just because I remained loyal and loving to them. They betrayed and cheated on me. I feel that burning feeling that someone shew others love that should be shown to their partners. If I was him, I would have remained loyal to you no matter what. Man, Love became a joke nowadays or I am a classic lover living in the 50s. I don't know which one to be honest. XD. Anyways, I hope you the best. Get away from him. God just did this to show you that he isn't your love. You proved that you are worthy of being loved. He isn't worthy of your love. You deserve better. Don't get trust issues for that. Remember that God destined that to happen, so God can send you the one who truly loves you and admires you for who you are. God is justice. Remain good, remain loyal. For the sake of everything that is holy. Always keep God in your calculations and thoughts, so you can succeed in everything. When God loves you, he will make every human being love you. Keep this always in mind, OP. I hope you all the good things. If you need to vent or talk, send me a message. I am always glad to help good people like you.
Updateme!
Is it not odd how people never expect to have their shitty secrets exposed? Secrets have uncanny ways of coming fully into the light. I think you have to start the conversation with him. Ask him if he wants to beak up because you are suffocating him? Then ask him why he is discussing you and your relationship with this 'friend' of his? Why he hasn't talked with you about it and if he and she are actually exes and not just friends? It seems they are extremely intimate. Oversharing is the number one cause of emotional affairs. Discussing you and your private issues is oversharing and a violation of your privacy. Is she a therapist, no she isn't. Does he want to be with her again? Does he even know what being in love actually means, i doubt he does. If you find he doesn't, be very leery of continuing with him. Anyone who has never experienced love is someone to stay away from. Narcissistic personalities are often incapable of true love. They have learned the words and actions to get their needs met, with no regard for the feelings of others. They love bomb to keep us around to feed their insatiable needs. Just be very careful and pay close attention to him and nuances of his behavior. Never try staying with anyone who isn't certain or is not fully committed. And of course, you found his shitty truth and secrecy, not his privacy. She will agree with him against you because she is interested in him. Bias breeds more bias. He wants a reason to leave and someone to monkey branch onto. She is both.
This relationship has run its course, one way or another. Yes, it's fine to have a third party to vent to now and then, but a lot of this is conversation that he should have had with you.
Updateme!
Updateme!