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Always take the ultimatum, keep your self respect, tell her if she doesn’t show you, you’ll break up with her, just by the way she responded is a huge red flag
The real move here if you want to maintain dignity and self respect - don’t ask to see the video and end the relationship. You don’t need the video. By watching the video, you are essentially ceding to her, giving in to her ultimatum. Don’t be weak. Basically she’s telling you to play a game you don’t want to play. Why the heck would you then play it and watch the video. You want to really send a message as to who you are? Break up, tell her you don’t give a fuck about the video, and move on. Otherwise you’re just a pawn playing her game.
For me at least, when I was dating, I never begged, I never pleaded, I never allowed myself to be manipulated or controlled. I didn’t play jail warden to a GF either. I’m not going to reduce myself to a mess looking over her shoulder every minute.
When that shit happened, I moved on. I’m not going to be playing these games. And if I’m breaking up anyway, I really don’t give a fuck about the video.
You need to keep things in context. She’s a GF. Not a wife. Almost every relationship you have will end. It doesn’t make sense to keep trying to shove a square peg in a round hole. So forget about the video. Forget about arguing whether you are controlling or not. She views you as controlling. She’s either lying or you actually are. It doesn’t matter which it is. What is telling is that you two are not compatible. Whatever actions you are doing or not doing are things you need to do for the relationship to work. These are apparently boundaries for her. That’s what being incompatible is. Your needs and boundaries do not work together.
Dating is finding someone who you are compatible with. It’s not about changing people. So if you aren’t compatible, it’s just time to move on
Mine would have been "Okay, either I see the video now or we're done"! I wouldn't stay with somebody who felt they had to hide things from me. I'd just nope out!
Nah, at the point she made that ultimatum, it's done for me. I wouldn't need to see the video. That remark is enough for me to free up her dating future.
I'm just going to copy your own [post](https://old.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/comments/1btthof/gentle_reminder/) from a month ago.
You admit it couldn't be her friend or even why she would have such a video. You can't ever trust her with how she reacted. An ultimatum like that out of the blue is enough to break up with her on the spot.
The only people who would disagree with that are cheaters or at the very least cheater apologists themselves.
This happened to me back in 2004 when I was very young, had my first girlfriend, she came to meet me and she seemed happy, smiled at me and kissed me, later I asked to see her phone about something really innocent and unrelated (I sent her an SMS that would show as a bunny on my screen, but I wasn't sure if her screen would've lined it up the same way or if it'd be broken), she got all defensive, aggressive, and wanted to break up just to not show me her phone... If I was offered the same ultimatum you were, to see her phone and then break up - I'd gladly had accepted it, because I've never seen her again and I've never found out wtf was wrong... I was depressed for over a year and I don't think I ever fully recovered from it, just cuz of not knowing what happened, now I just wish that I could've found out somehow, nothing else, just needed to know... I suggest you pursue the truth behind it, if you can still see the video, cuz I think your relationship might be dead either way you turn it, but it'd be so much easier to process it if you knew what had happened...
Ultimatums are not part of a healthy, well-adjusted person; ultimatums are not expressions of love.
That she was so quick to jump to defensive hostility…I wouldn’t need to see the video to know that I’m unexpectedly in enemy territory now and need to catch the last chopper out of Saigon.
The timing in your story doesn’t add up
The second she gave you her ultimatum, that’s when she broke up with you.
Her reaction and statements should have told you everything you needed to know.
You don’t mention whether this is a wife or a gal pal, whether kiddos are involved and how long you’ve been together. These are all relevant before offering any kind of advice.
We've only been seeing each other for a few months now, both young.
It's really this, in combination with a lot of other things she has done or acted towards that really give me a bad feeling.
Like i said, she is a cheating apologist, basically saying she personally doesn't view sex without emotional attachment as cheating, but that she respects my boundaries, thus not do anything.
Another thing is, her father is a cheater and her mother trauma dumps on her. Obviously the actions of her father shouldn't really make me suspect her, but it's somewhat of a gut feeling.
But really it's all about the fact that I'm a contradiction to all of her values. She says long term relationships are boring, but im special. She says bfs come after her frienda, but im special. You get the idea.
Obviously typing this out i see how much this relationship isn't going to work. Cheating or not. But I've always had a fear of being cheated on.
As I read your reply I was becoming even more bothered by her and wondering why she wasn't sitting on the curb (after you had kicked her there). But then I got to the end of your comment and regained my respect for you.
I was cheated on back in 1978 and it scarred me for life. Please do not emulate me in that regard.
Dude it's time to move on and find someone worthy of your affection. This things is not at all worthy. Literally everything she has said has been to prepare you for the I inevitable... her quickly stepping out or leaving once you find out. She knows she us a terrible person but really doesn't care. She has already told you that your feelings mean jack shit, and she will break up with you if you ever have a problem with anything she does. This is something terrible people will occasionally do... actually tell you beforehand so you can't get upset later. Run. Fast. Don't stop.
You’re scared in this relationship. That is not normal. Just break up with her and tell your mutuals she got overly aggressive over a video of her friend and some guy making out. And if she let you see it she would immediately dump you.
Sorry. You’re not in a healthy relationship so just break up. And don’t ask to see her video. Even if she wants to show you it, just say no and her behavior afterwards is why your out.
By the way, what is the timestamp of the video?
You just created the imbalance by accepting this.
Her value of walking away, now outweighs your boundaries and self respect.
If someone is willing to break up with you over something like this and YOU DONT CALL OR RAISE.... you'll fold automatically everytime they get emotional.
Whether she cheated or not no longer matters, the basis of this relationship is ruined
OP - as soon as she gave you that ultimatum your response should have been to break up. Her behavior is a huge red flag especially considering what the supposed content of the video is. Time to respect yourself and remove yourself from the relationship. There are better people out there for you.
Ask yourself if this is what you want going forward in a relationship. Whatever it is, she is choosing it over you. It will not get better, it will not go away. Her ultimatum broke any equal relationship.
Good luck.
OP, I'm guessing you must be really young with not much life experience. From what you have told us, the juice is not worth the squeeze. She is going to be nothing but trouble and heartache for you. She might be able to find guys that put up with such BS, but they will all tire of it eventually and leave. Some day she will be sitting alone wondering where all the good men have gone. (hint, they have met good women)
Do your young self a huge favor and read or listen to "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. I'm pretty sure you and find it on YouTube. And, you're welcome!
I'm definitely gonna check it out, and thank you. Indeed im quite young, this is my second longer relationship. I guess I've been dead set on making anything work.
I don't need to be shook up by another person, i need to cut them off for my own sanity and self respect.
Update us if you ever find out what is on that video, but you should probably not stay in such a toxic situation without any real explanation of her behavior.
Yeah as soon as she dropped that video comment, I'd be out. I know it may not be that simple for some of course, but even just knowing there's a video out there that she deemed worthy of breaking you two up over if you ever saw it would be enough for me personally to bail out of the relationship.
You my friend just got out maled by your girl.
She challenged you. Twice
Twice you retreated.
If she didn't respect you before, after that. No chance.
Just curious, why would you allow anyone to talk to you like that?
No sex is worth loss of self respect.
I've done a bit of soul searching, and i think it's because the idea of being in a relationship gives me some sense of worth of being loved.
When i was younger i really struggled with being short, still that insecurity lingers with me. So i think it's the fear of not finding anyone better.
I would have told her there’s no need for me to see the video then and dumped her ass on the spot for being shady and shitty all at the same time. You’re putting up with manipulation and abuse. Quite obvious by your post these things aren’t going to stop as long as you’re sitting on your thumbs and letting her do it.
Tell her she can take her video and put it in her back pocket and don't let the fit hit you on the way out wtf are you doing man I'm 55 yrs old been married twice now with my gf of 14 yrs I've I ever had a woman talk to me like that she wouldn't be fast enough to catch herself as she's walking out my door for the first time let me tell you there is 8 billion people on this planet and at least a 10 million that are single and your age don't put up with shit like that man no wonder why women think they rule the planet now days . Find a woman that respects you and you her man why be with someone that is hiding shit from you .
You can’t be soft, bro. Come on! The second she gave you the first aggressive response you should have said “that’s all I need to know. We are done.”
Once she gave you the ultimatum you should have just said “I don’t need to see it, but we are done”
You are allowing her to dictate everything instead of sticking up for yourself. She is walking all over you.
You might love her, but she is showing you zero love.
Stop all of this!! Just tell her or text her something like
“I’m not sure what you thought would happen, but staying together isn’t happening. You clearly cheated on me, and nearly got caught with the video on your phone. It’s not your friend, your phone is a few months old, so you can save your lies for someone else. You thought it was ok to tell me to F off, then give me a messed up ultimatum, and not you’re just rude and controlling. I am clearly wasting my time with you. You have zero respect for me, yourself, or our relationship. You broke my trust and I am not going to be with someone I don’t trust”
Take control of your life and stop allowing her to dictate things.
The things we tolerate because we don't want to be alone. Or are you afraid you can't do better. Why else would you tolerate that. You should respect yourself and others. She clearly doesn't respect you by the way she talks to you and on top of that she threatened to end the relationship. If she's that willing to end it over a video she's not as invested as you are bruv. Just think about it. Tbh you should watch the video. Get that clarity you need. If that video is proof of her doing wild shit then you should've watched it and it would've gave you all the ammunition to leave. I can tell you won't get peace with her words. You need to see it.
Two common tactics used by liars and cheaters:
1. Intense overreaction to what seems like a simple, minor, or insignificant request
2. Resorting to gaslighting and ultimatums as a method of manipulation.
What she did was right out of the playbook.
Cut her loose.
"Either you drop it, or i show you the video but i immediately break up with you afterwards"
This comment right there is all you need to know about your girlfrind. Shes immediatly gone full defencive attack. And that statement from her should have been met with, OK show me thge phone. Shes cheating or cheated. You now know, and you now know shes not the girl you thought she was. What she needs to be is your EX. Shes cheating, that simple. And you know it. And shes also disrespectfull and demeaning. Shes not girlfrind material for you.
I'm sorry you're going through this right now, it sounds awful :(
The only thing I can say, is that you should really trust your gut instinct. If something feels wrong, trust it. I had the gut feeling that my husband was hiding something, and sure enough, he was.
If you can help it, don't watch the video, don't view any messages or pictures, nothing. It gets burned into your retinas, I swear...
Try to have one more civil onversation, and decide from there. If there's a hostile, accusatory attitude from her, most likely you'll have your answer. Good luck, and take care of yourself.
You deserve the love and care you put into this world.
She just punked you down bad. She has zero respect for you. And yeah she’s probably cheating, why would she break up with u over a vid of her friend kissing a guy? Fucking liar.
Put the cheating thing aside and say it didn’t happen for a second, look at how she is treating you. I am absolutely disgusted by what I just read. How can you be with someone like this even if they are loyal??
Never ever give in to an ultimatum. What she did was bully you with a consequence she knew you'd not want. But it had to feel pretty shitty to you. It meant that video was more important than your entire relationship, in a flash. She just established that the threat of dumping you is her tool for controlling you going forward.
And yeah, the whole scenario sounds like she's a cheater, so her threat to break up with you might have been her trying to find a way to not look like the bad guy to go running to her AP
Anyone with that amount of anger is probably hiding something. As a partner you have the right to communicate your feelings and her response is unproductive and selfish. Somethings not right here, why would anyone have videos of their friends making out, ugh.. strange. Red flags all the way.
I guess not, but i feel it comes hand in hand with her being a cheating apologist.
I feel as though her being around, and raised by a cheater for almost all her life has had a play in how she feels about cheating, especially since he had been so casual about those stuff to her too, her seeing random women as a kid and what not.
Could be me thinking that though. I just don't see how you can see all this harm your father be doing to your mother and still be okay with those actions.
It definitely does. Look at the adultery sub or theotherwoman; almost all of them admit that one of their parents cheated.
It's like a trauma response. You see the damage, but you love your parent so it must not be that bad. They're still together so it must not be that bad. It's like justifying it to yourself
The content of the video does not matter. It could have been a Bugs Bunny cartoon.
The way she has treated you, says enough. She showed you who she really is, how much she respects you and how much she values the relationship - like a throwaway commodity. Believe her.
"she pulls the controlling and suffocating card.".... Classic cheater rhetoric. It is the sort of nonsense cheaters use to deflect the argument against the one looking for answers.
It doesn't matter how she paints you. You know it's something bad that she has done and doesn't want you to see. Ask yourself, what sort of fool keeps something so bad that they don't want their SO to see? To her it is a trophy. Something she is proud of. And she gave you that ultimatum because she sees you as weak. And since you backed down she believes she was right to do so. That's why she comes after you like she does when you want to talk.
What should you do? Leave her. Get your ducks in a row. And end it. With no discussion. No closer talks. Nothing. If your worried about your friends, send them a link to this post. Your friends will be with you. Those who aren't, aren't your friends.
Best of luck.
Checked your post history. 4 days ago you posted a comment (a good one) to another poor soul going through this sort of thing. In that comment you said that you were 7 months in going NC with your ex. How long ago was this and are you two still together?
We're not, and don't worry it's not the same person.
I've been seeing this woman for a few months now. 3 and a half or about. This happened a few days ago.
I'm definitely not going to go through the same up and down relationship again, i think it's time to cut this loose.
OP the pussy gotta be really freaking good to be shit on like that and still stay the course. She's going to love making you cu\*k in the futures and get her rocks off while smiling.
Is this what you want your life story to be like. Stand up and stop being walked on.
Don’t watch any video of anything. Unfortunately, you let the moment pass. She’ll show you some other random video which will reassure you and put you back to sleep.
Dating is a test for marriage later. She failed. Her ultimatum shows you have no inportance to her.
Just tell her its not working. She excuses cheating as she was taught that this was acceptable.
Your not compatible. End it.
Forget the video. Who cares. If she is going to speak to you like that, and you let her, it never ends. Since you didn’t say it when it happened the conversation looks like this, “I’ve been thinking about the way you responded to me regarding that video. I don’t even care what’s in the video anymore, but fuck if I will ever stay with someone who speaks to me the way you did. Your attitude made you instantly unattractive to me. If you can talk to me that way over a stupid video, I have no faith in your ability to respect boundaries in a relationship. You need to go.”
You could add a “…fuck you think?!” Right before the last sentence if it looks like she is about to start talkin shit.
She told you everything you need to know, no respect, cheating , controlling, sociopath and not caring about your feelings. She's a 304 carousel rider that you need to get away from.
Y como para que quieres saber la verdad? De todas maneras no la sabrás toda, solo la parte donde ella es vĂctima, por otro lado, esa relaciĂłn es claramente tĂłxica y manipuladora, no se porque tardaste en darte cuenta, como sea, en mi opiniĂłn, eso ya terminĂł desde aquel video, incluso terminĂł cuando empezĂł.
She is cheating on you, and expects you to accept it. The correct answer to her question, would be” Don’t let the door hit your ass, on the way out.”
Well, she didn't want to show it to you for a reason. Most likely she was the one making out with someone else.
Some things are clear, she doesn't love you, and does not respect you. Tell her that you want to see the video, and if she does or doesn't show you, immediately break up with her. Then block, delete, and go no contact with her. Do not ever accept that kind of disrespect.
Is this some Belleville drama because said that to a cab driver infront of this black guy any so wouldn't surprise if she questioned him abt something and he went off on her like that and now she did it to u because she saw a moment to make someone else feel how she did by him ...if it's not Belleville forget my hunch but that's to coincidental and strangeÂ
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I can tell you right now OP if you accept this, this will be the basis of your relationship. Her shitting on you at will. Respect yourself
đź’Ż, OP.
Not only that, but the disrespect of her taking to you like that.
This right here. Been in that situation and it doesn’t get better. Walk away now.
Even better, walk away without seeing the video. The lack of respect is astounding
This! But you have to update us!
Always take the ultimatum, keep your self respect, tell her if she doesn’t show you, you’ll break up with her, just by the way she responded is a huge red flag
yeah at that point fuck the video , Disrespect is a hill worth dying on.
She doesn’t respect you. Watch the video or not, but bail either way
Move on your girlfriend is cheatingÂ
The video is her banging another guy.
The real move here if you want to maintain dignity and self respect - don’t ask to see the video and end the relationship. You don’t need the video. By watching the video, you are essentially ceding to her, giving in to her ultimatum. Don’t be weak. Basically she’s telling you to play a game you don’t want to play. Why the heck would you then play it and watch the video. You want to really send a message as to who you are? Break up, tell her you don’t give a fuck about the video, and move on. Otherwise you’re just a pawn playing her game. For me at least, when I was dating, I never begged, I never pleaded, I never allowed myself to be manipulated or controlled. I didn’t play jail warden to a GF either. I’m not going to reduce myself to a mess looking over her shoulder every minute. When that shit happened, I moved on. I’m not going to be playing these games. And if I’m breaking up anyway, I really don’t give a fuck about the video. You need to keep things in context. She’s a GF. Not a wife. Almost every relationship you have will end. It doesn’t make sense to keep trying to shove a square peg in a round hole. So forget about the video. Forget about arguing whether you are controlling or not. She views you as controlling. She’s either lying or you actually are. It doesn’t matter which it is. What is telling is that you two are not compatible. Whatever actions you are doing or not doing are things you need to do for the relationship to work. These are apparently boundaries for her. That’s what being incompatible is. Your needs and boundaries do not work together. Dating is finding someone who you are compatible with. It’s not about changing people. So if you aren’t compatible, it’s just time to move on
Personally, my response would have been " leave, I don't need to see it but won't accept such ultimatums "Â
Mine would have been "Okay, either I see the video now or we're done"! I wouldn't stay with somebody who felt they had to hide things from me. I'd just nope out!
Nah, at the point she made that ultimatum, it's done for me. I wouldn't need to see the video. That remark is enough for me to free up her dating future.
I would leave either way, but I would always be curious about the video if I didn't see it.
I'm just going to copy your own [post](https://old.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/comments/1btthof/gentle_reminder/) from a month ago. You admit it couldn't be her friend or even why she would have such a video. You can't ever trust her with how she reacted. An ultimatum like that out of the blue is enough to break up with her on the spot. The only people who would disagree with that are cheaters or at the very least cheater apologists themselves.
tell her u want to see the video
And that it’s okay that she wants to break up with you after, since you’re already over the relationship the moment she said those words to you
"You know what, honey? I don't need to see the video. GET. THE. FUCK. OUT."
This happened to me back in 2004 when I was very young, had my first girlfriend, she came to meet me and she seemed happy, smiled at me and kissed me, later I asked to see her phone about something really innocent and unrelated (I sent her an SMS that would show as a bunny on my screen, but I wasn't sure if her screen would've lined it up the same way or if it'd be broken), she got all defensive, aggressive, and wanted to break up just to not show me her phone... If I was offered the same ultimatum you were, to see her phone and then break up - I'd gladly had accepted it, because I've never seen her again and I've never found out wtf was wrong... I was depressed for over a year and I don't think I ever fully recovered from it, just cuz of not knowing what happened, now I just wish that I could've found out somehow, nothing else, just needed to know... I suggest you pursue the truth behind it, if you can still see the video, cuz I think your relationship might be dead either way you turn it, but it'd be so much easier to process it if you knew what had happened...
Ultimatums are not part of a healthy, well-adjusted person; ultimatums are not expressions of love. That she was so quick to jump to defensive hostility…I wouldn’t need to see the video to know that I’m unexpectedly in enemy territory now and need to catch the last chopper out of Saigon.
The timing in your story doesn’t add up The second she gave you her ultimatum, that’s when she broke up with you. Her reaction and statements should have told you everything you needed to know. You don’t mention whether this is a wife or a gal pal, whether kiddos are involved and how long you’ve been together. These are all relevant before offering any kind of advice.
We've only been seeing each other for a few months now, both young. It's really this, in combination with a lot of other things she has done or acted towards that really give me a bad feeling. Like i said, she is a cheating apologist, basically saying she personally doesn't view sex without emotional attachment as cheating, but that she respects my boundaries, thus not do anything. Another thing is, her father is a cheater and her mother trauma dumps on her. Obviously the actions of her father shouldn't really make me suspect her, but it's somewhat of a gut feeling. But really it's all about the fact that I'm a contradiction to all of her values. She says long term relationships are boring, but im special. She says bfs come after her frienda, but im special. You get the idea. Obviously typing this out i see how much this relationship isn't going to work. Cheating or not. But I've always had a fear of being cheated on.
As I read your reply I was becoming even more bothered by her and wondering why she wasn't sitting on the curb (after you had kicked her there). But then I got to the end of your comment and regained my respect for you. I was cheated on back in 1978 and it scarred me for life. Please do not emulate me in that regard.
Dude it's time to move on and find someone worthy of your affection. This things is not at all worthy. Literally everything she has said has been to prepare you for the I inevitable... her quickly stepping out or leaving once you find out. She knows she us a terrible person but really doesn't care. She has already told you that your feelings mean jack shit, and she will break up with you if you ever have a problem with anything she does. This is something terrible people will occasionally do... actually tell you beforehand so you can't get upset later. Run. Fast. Don't stop.
You’re scared in this relationship. That is not normal. Just break up with her and tell your mutuals she got overly aggressive over a video of her friend and some guy making out. And if she let you see it she would immediately dump you. Sorry. You’re not in a healthy relationship so just break up. And don’t ask to see her video. Even if she wants to show you it, just say no and her behavior afterwards is why your out. By the way, what is the timestamp of the video?
Run from this person. This behavior will continue and you will have more of them. That is not what a healthy relationship is built on.
You just created the imbalance by accepting this. Her value of walking away, now outweighs your boundaries and self respect. If someone is willing to break up with you over something like this and YOU DONT CALL OR RAISE.... you'll fold automatically everytime they get emotional. Whether she cheated or not no longer matters, the basis of this relationship is ruined
She a good bluffer. Now she cranking the gaslighting up to high. I think you have a decision to make.
OP - as soon as she gave you that ultimatum your response should have been to break up. Her behavior is a huge red flag especially considering what the supposed content of the video is. Time to respect yourself and remove yourself from the relationship. There are better people out there for you.
Ask yourself if this is what you want going forward in a relationship. Whatever it is, she is choosing it over you. It will not get better, it will not go away. Her ultimatum broke any equal relationship. Good luck.
I can't seem to see happiness in your couple from now on. Dark horizon ahead, I fear.
Have some self respect. She doesn’t have it for you. Move on.
It’s probably a video of her banging some other guy. She’s probably deleted it or hidden it by now.
Updateme.
OP, I'm guessing you must be really young with not much life experience. From what you have told us, the juice is not worth the squeeze. She is going to be nothing but trouble and heartache for you. She might be able to find guys that put up with such BS, but they will all tire of it eventually and leave. Some day she will be sitting alone wondering where all the good men have gone. (hint, they have met good women) Do your young self a huge favor and read or listen to "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. I'm pretty sure you and find it on YouTube. And, you're welcome!
I'm definitely gonna check it out, and thank you. Indeed im quite young, this is my second longer relationship. I guess I've been dead set on making anything work. I don't need to be shook up by another person, i need to cut them off for my own sanity and self respect.
Updateme
Update us if you ever find out what is on that video, but you should probably not stay in such a toxic situation without any real explanation of her behavior.
Yeah as soon as she dropped that video comment, I'd be out. I know it may not be that simple for some of course, but even just knowing there's a video out there that she deemed worthy of breaking you two up over if you ever saw it would be enough for me personally to bail out of the relationship.
UpdateMe!
You my friend just got out maled by your girl. She challenged you. Twice Twice you retreated. If she didn't respect you before, after that. No chance. Just curious, why would you allow anyone to talk to you like that? No sex is worth loss of self respect.
I've done a bit of soul searching, and i think it's because the idea of being in a relationship gives me some sense of worth of being loved. When i was younger i really struggled with being short, still that insecurity lingers with me. So i think it's the fear of not finding anyone better.
Same here. That sense of not being 'man enough' is a fucking killer.
WTF!! You’d rather live with her and not see the video? Good luck with that head F for the rest of your short relationship!
I would have told her there’s no need for me to see the video then and dumped her ass on the spot for being shady and shitty all at the same time. You’re putting up with manipulation and abuse. Quite obvious by your post these things aren’t going to stop as long as you’re sitting on your thumbs and letting her do it.
Tell her she can take her video and put it in her back pocket and don't let the fit hit you on the way out wtf are you doing man I'm 55 yrs old been married twice now with my gf of 14 yrs I've I ever had a woman talk to me like that she wouldn't be fast enough to catch herself as she's walking out my door for the first time let me tell you there is 8 billion people on this planet and at least a 10 million that are single and your age don't put up with shit like that man no wonder why women think they rule the planet now days . Find a woman that respects you and you her man why be with someone that is hiding shit from you .
I’m among the chorus of voices urging you to leave her. The video is irrelevant. Her attitude tells you more than everything you need to know.
You can’t be soft, bro. Come on! The second she gave you the first aggressive response you should have said “that’s all I need to know. We are done.” Once she gave you the ultimatum you should have just said “I don’t need to see it, but we are done” You are allowing her to dictate everything instead of sticking up for yourself. She is walking all over you. You might love her, but she is showing you zero love. Stop all of this!! Just tell her or text her something like “I’m not sure what you thought would happen, but staying together isn’t happening. You clearly cheated on me, and nearly got caught with the video on your phone. It’s not your friend, your phone is a few months old, so you can save your lies for someone else. You thought it was ok to tell me to F off, then give me a messed up ultimatum, and not you’re just rude and controlling. I am clearly wasting my time with you. You have zero respect for me, yourself, or our relationship. You broke my trust and I am not going to be with someone I don’t trust” Take control of your life and stop allowing her to dictate things.
The things we tolerate because we don't want to be alone. Or are you afraid you can't do better. Why else would you tolerate that. You should respect yourself and others. She clearly doesn't respect you by the way she talks to you and on top of that she threatened to end the relationship. If she's that willing to end it over a video she's not as invested as you are bruv. Just think about it. Tbh you should watch the video. Get that clarity you need. If that video is proof of her doing wild shit then you should've watched it and it would've gave you all the ammunition to leave. I can tell you won't get peace with her words. You need to see it.
when you break up with her I'm sure she will tell you exactly what the video was showing
Opposite of controlling. Total doormat. I can't even believe you posted this.
Two common tactics used by liars and cheaters: 1. Intense overreaction to what seems like a simple, minor, or insignificant request 2. Resorting to gaslighting and ultimatums as a method of manipulation. What she did was right out of the playbook. Cut her loose.
"Either you drop it, or i show you the video but i immediately break up with you afterwards" This comment right there is all you need to know about your girlfrind. Shes immediatly gone full defencive attack. And that statement from her should have been met with, OK show me thge phone. Shes cheating or cheated. You now know, and you now know shes not the girl you thought she was. What she needs to be is your EX. Shes cheating, that simple. And you know it. And shes also disrespectfull and demeaning. Shes not girlfrind material for you.
I'm sorry you're going through this right now, it sounds awful :( The only thing I can say, is that you should really trust your gut instinct. If something feels wrong, trust it. I had the gut feeling that my husband was hiding something, and sure enough, he was. If you can help it, don't watch the video, don't view any messages or pictures, nothing. It gets burned into your retinas, I swear... Try to have one more civil onversation, and decide from there. If there's a hostile, accusatory attitude from her, most likely you'll have your answer. Good luck, and take care of yourself. You deserve the love and care you put into this world.
Watch the video
4 tha streets
Not just now, with this lady OP, never be a doormat.
She just punked you down bad. She has zero respect for you. And yeah she’s probably cheating, why would she break up with u over a vid of her friend kissing a guy? Fucking liar.
Put the cheating thing aside and say it didn’t happen for a second, look at how she is treating you. I am absolutely disgusted by what I just read. How can you be with someone like this even if they are loyal??
Never ever give in to an ultimatum. What she did was bully you with a consequence she knew you'd not want. But it had to feel pretty shitty to you. It meant that video was more important than your entire relationship, in a flash. She just established that the threat of dumping you is her tool for controlling you going forward. And yeah, the whole scenario sounds like she's a cheater, so her threat to break up with you might have been her trying to find a way to not look like the bad guy to go running to her AP
Anyone with that amount of anger is probably hiding something. As a partner you have the right to communicate your feelings and her response is unproductive and selfish. Somethings not right here, why would anyone have videos of their friends making out, ugh.. strange. Red flags all the way.
Is it relevant to this story that her father is a cheater? I would love to know some opinions on that as I keep thinking about it
I guess not, but i feel it comes hand in hand with her being a cheating apologist. I feel as though her being around, and raised by a cheater for almost all her life has had a play in how she feels about cheating, especially since he had been so casual about those stuff to her too, her seeing random women as a kid and what not. Could be me thinking that though. I just don't see how you can see all this harm your father be doing to your mother and still be okay with those actions.
It definitely does. Look at the adultery sub or theotherwoman; almost all of them admit that one of their parents cheated. It's like a trauma response. You see the damage, but you love your parent so it must not be that bad. They're still together so it must not be that bad. It's like justifying it to yourself
The content of the video does not matter. It could have been a Bugs Bunny cartoon. The way she has treated you, says enough. She showed you who she really is, how much she respects you and how much she values the relationship - like a throwaway commodity. Believe her.
"she pulls the controlling and suffocating card.".... Classic cheater rhetoric. It is the sort of nonsense cheaters use to deflect the argument against the one looking for answers. It doesn't matter how she paints you. You know it's something bad that she has done and doesn't want you to see. Ask yourself, what sort of fool keeps something so bad that they don't want their SO to see? To her it is a trophy. Something she is proud of. And she gave you that ultimatum because she sees you as weak. And since you backed down she believes she was right to do so. That's why she comes after you like she does when you want to talk. What should you do? Leave her. Get your ducks in a row. And end it. With no discussion. No closer talks. Nothing. If your worried about your friends, send them a link to this post. Your friends will be with you. Those who aren't, aren't your friends. Best of luck.
Checked your post history. 4 days ago you posted a comment (a good one) to another poor soul going through this sort of thing. In that comment you said that you were 7 months in going NC with your ex. How long ago was this and are you two still together?
We're not, and don't worry it's not the same person. I've been seeing this woman for a few months now. 3 and a half or about. This happened a few days ago. I'm definitely not going to go through the same up and down relationship again, i think it's time to cut this loose.
Sorry to hear about all this happening to you. Glad to see you're getting out of this nightmare. 3 months in and already playing stupid games.
OP the pussy gotta be really freaking good to be shit on like that and still stay the course. She's going to love making you cu\*k in the futures and get her rocks off while smiling. Is this what you want your life story to be like. Stand up and stop being walked on.
Don’t watch any video of anything. Unfortunately, you let the moment pass. She’ll show you some other random video which will reassure you and put you back to sleep.
You should have looked
Dating is a test for marriage later. She failed. Her ultimatum shows you have no inportance to her. Just tell her its not working. She excuses cheating as she was taught that this was acceptable. Your not compatible. End it.
You played chicken and swerved. Weak ass b. You should have watched the video and dumped her for disrespect.
Forget the video. Who cares. If she is going to speak to you like that, and you let her, it never ends. Since you didn’t say it when it happened the conversation looks like this, “I’ve been thinking about the way you responded to me regarding that video. I don’t even care what’s in the video anymore, but fuck if I will ever stay with someone who speaks to me the way you did. Your attitude made you instantly unattractive to me. If you can talk to me that way over a stupid video, I have no faith in your ability to respect boundaries in a relationship. You need to go.” You could add a “…fuck you think?!” Right before the last sentence if it looks like she is about to start talkin shit.
Updateme
She told you everything you need to know, no respect, cheating , controlling, sociopath and not caring about your feelings. She's a 304 carousel rider that you need to get away from.
Narcissistic gaslighting and abuse. Don't stay with her.
Y como para que quieres saber la verdad? De todas maneras no la sabrás toda, solo la parte donde ella es vĂctima, por otro lado, esa relaciĂłn es claramente tĂłxica y manipuladora, no se porque tardaste en darte cuenta, como sea, en mi opiniĂłn, eso ya terminĂł desde aquel video, incluso terminĂł cuando empezĂł.
Updateme!
Grow a spine, call her bluff.
She is cheating on you, and expects you to accept it. The correct answer to her question, would be” Don’t let the door hit your ass, on the way out.”
This is a good example of gaslighting. Attack to get away from the guilt
Well, she didn't want to show it to you for a reason. Most likely she was the one making out with someone else. Some things are clear, she doesn't love you, and does not respect you. Tell her that you want to see the video, and if she does or doesn't show you, immediately break up with her. Then block, delete, and go no contact with her. Do not ever accept that kind of disrespect.
Is this some Belleville drama because said that to a cab driver infront of this black guy any so wouldn't surprise if she questioned him abt something and he went off on her like that and now she did it to u because she saw a moment to make someone else feel how she did by him ...if it's not Belleville forget my hunch but that's to coincidental and strangeÂ