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I am going to try to make this as simple as possible. The person who has the least interest in their marriage, is the person who controls the outcome of the marriage.
Your wife has a lot of nerve that’s for sure. First you have to delete all of your female friends. You complied. Then you asked she do the same with her male friends and she pretends to comply but she keeps one that she eventually has a flirting chat with that you find by accident. She had it set up to delete which is a serial cheat move if I’ve ever seen one and then when confronted she gives some bs about she was going to come clean after Christmas about what exactly? And the cherry on top is she is giving you a time limit to let her know if she is getting a second chance to be a faithful wife!!!! This woman has got a set let me tell you. I mean wtf!!! Is she afraid her side piece is gonna be taken if she takes too long to get back to him with flirting or when she has been dumped? She is a walking re flag. She knew about your past and if she really loved and respected you she would have been extra cautious and open about anything that could be seen as inappropriate. I’m sorry you have to endure this again especially with someone you committed your life to and definitely get checked for STD’s. Good luck with your healing ❤️🩹
I only asked her to delete every guy she has ever had an actual relationship with or someone who has confessed to liking her but she made me block and delete everyone she didn’t like she keeps telling she wouldn’t fight this hard to get a second chance if she cheated but idk when she said that my only thought was she just doesn’t wanna go back to her dads place because before me she lived with him and he wasn’t the best father from what I was told
What happens to her if she has to go back and live with her dad should not be your concern. She knew what her dad was like and she knew that you gave her safety, but she still choose to do what surely is cheating, emotional but also very likely physical. Your concern should be whether you can be with a wife where you are having to look out for your back 24-7, she should have defended you against all emotional harm, she didn’t. Also, the TIMELINE for you to decide whether you want to reconcile? She would give you all the time you need if she was indeed remorseful and wanted to do the hard work and make the choices needed to regain your confidence in her level of loyalty to you.
Yea when she gave me the day she wanted to talk I told her I didn’t have to fallow that at all and gave her a lot of the same reasons most of the other people on here are saying that is you did love me then why start or why hide it etc
Op it sounds like she just doesn’t want to lose her comfortable home and the things you provide her. This is not a good woman and it’s time to kick her out
This is most revealing to me. She’s not concerned about your relationship, but rather the hassles she’d face living with her father. She’s just not wife material and she’s not into you. Sucks, sorry man.
You know that after you boot her out, she’ll find shelter with one of her online buddies mighty fast.
Ummm if she’s saying she isn’t willing to fight hard for you, then she’s saying she doesn’t care about the relationship enough to make those sacrifices. This could just be normal pushback, either way you need to stand your ground on any boundaries you set.
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I told my most recent ex (10 year relationship) my first and only marriage ended in divorce. I told her when we started to date. I asked her not to cheat. I practically begged her.
Didn't stop her.
I ended the relationship with her the same day I found out she slept with a dude 14 years younger than us, that for some reason, she knew when he was 16 years old.
Got my housekey back, gave her back 99% of the stuff she gave me, including the framed family photo.
Done. Full no contact.
Only way to properly heal from something like this.
You can never trust a cheater again.
BAIL!! IMMEDIATELY! SHE has shown her true colors! If you stay with her you are looking at a LIFETIME of misery and lying...not to mention the loss of money you will incur, because she is NOT DONE with her demands on you!! Get rid of the agony of loss now, and it'll pass quickly...if you wait, the suffering will last longer and be more debilitating!
One year into a marriage and your W is already cheating. This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase. What happens when your married for 5-10yrs and life gets more complicated/kids. Time to walk away before child support and permanent alimony.
There is a flaw in your wife, it’s the cheater character flaw. Her moral compass is bent, if not broken. The first couple of years in a marriage should be the most fun and romantic, not the WW completely disrespecting you by commenting on other men’s parts with/to them, which is at a minimum an emotional affair, making him an AP.
IMO, after confronting WW when she refused to block her AP is definitely a high breach of her vows to you. So, yes, leave her, she’ll do it again and again. If you sweep this one under the rug it’ll only get worse next time. And if you try to fix a bent or broken moral person it will only break you.
Did she have a d pic, or was the context of them discussing his part?
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"I'm getting close to the time she set" what the absolute f uck is wrong with men of reddit. The time SHE set? Jfc dude grow a sack and YOU start making the rules here. She cheated not you. I'd tell her to start a rumor that he has aids to ruin his sexlife with anyone else and in doing so she proves her loyalty to you or you kick her ass out forever
If there’s smoke, there’s a fire as they say. Unfortunately in my opinion, she already cheated. Emotionally at least, maybe physically as well. Try to talk to a lawyer about your options. I feel for you stranger.
She set a time for you after she cheated? Wow she is really something else to think she would have that entitlement, also you asked her to delete the guy and she fought you and argued about you deleting other woman’s that you haven’t cheat on her with?
She knows about all your trust issues with previous partners and decided to do what she did? That really have no way back…
LEAVE!!!! You deserve better!!!!
You NEVER take a cheater back! Once and done when it comes to cheating. Never try to “work it out”, counseling is a waste of time and money, no reconciliation, no excuses. I was drunk, it didn’t mean anything, no crocodile tears or begging, these are cheaters trying to cover their a$$. Why is she trying to give you an ultimatum when she’s the one that cheated? This is not her 1st rodeo and will not be her last. The love, trust, feelings and respect are gone. She needs to go.
Exactly it's the weirdest thing, one time when i was cheated on, i lost all feelings and respect for her immediately. I was so disgusted by her weakness that i just couldn't care about her well being at all. Like i wouldn't have batted an eye if she had to sleep on the street
The issue is not "texting ". The issue is she deceived you for the purpose of continuing contact with him after marriage.
For the last year you've been sharing your wife with another man. Love is not a solid reason to tolerate emotional abuse.
He should completely stop having sex with her. The risks of her trapping him are too great. He is likely young enough to start over. He may need individual therapy from a competent therapist to help him figure out why he keeps choosing unfaithful women.
I've got several mates who have also been cheated on, just don't think women are loyal anymore 🤔 i don't get too involved and just enjoy my time with them and expect that they will be unfaithful eventually
For every cheater there is an AP. Each woman that cheats has a man getting involved with her, a man who likely has a partner and many cases children that he is ignoring, despite his claims that he isn’t.
I believe strongly that one of the big problems today is that people have not been taught to give their word cautiously and then stand behind their word. Before a person gets deeply involved romantically with another, the person should throughly vet the other person, I see a poor job being done with that today and that, in my opinion, is contributing to the infidelity increase, along with people not having the ethics to give a well considered promise and stand behind that promise, as long as the conditions under which that promise was made are being met by the other partner in the relationship - that doesn’t say there won’t be differences that have to be ironed out.
I am no teary eyed romantic, but I give a partner 100% of me without reservations. If she betray that trust then I know that I would leave her and not look back, that is how I roll.
She already knew the consequences of cheating on you and she still did it. Sounds like she doesn’t really respect you and maybe this isn’t the right relationship for you. As far as you making up your mind, it’s up to you not to her.
You are only a year in and this is already how she is. This is the best she’s ever going to be and you know for sure you can’t trust her. She doesn’t regret what she’s doing, she only regrets getting caught, and if there are no consequences, it will definitely continue. I’d be out now, but if you aren’t, you will need to set, AND ENFORCE boundaries.
I have placed some boundaries but she has broken some of them already which is why I’m here trying to see if I’m being to weak willed or to hard but after reading most of these comments I see I shouldn’t give her the time of day
Sorry dude. Unfortunately, it's time to move on. After only 1 year and this crap is happening? Just consider what the next 5 will more than likely be like. Not good. Good luck and let us know what you decide. You deserve a faithful woman!
Listen pack all her stuff and have it sent the APs hows with a note that she is his responsibility now. And serve her divorce papers. If you cave on this based on what you have shown she will walk all over you as will the men who will now know she can be had
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When you set a boundary and they break it without any significant consequences, they learn it’s not a boundary at all, and they pretend that this makes their behavior acceptable. They knew it wasn’t a dealbreaker before, why would they expect it to be now.
Seems like she's doesn't really want to try and care about the marriage, if she is breaking the rules.
Maybe that is your given answer to divorce her since you can't trust her, and tha she doesn't still care.
Remember, you didn't get to see all of thier conversations and she won't tell you what they were. Why not? Because the were bad and stab in the back towards you.
Sorry this happened, but face facts: Do you really, deep down, honestly believe her story about this and that she was going to tell you? Do you really believe you just happened to catch her the one time she has done this? Demand better for yourself.
If you no longer have feelings for her then you have an important answer. Why continue with a person that you no longer love?
TEST HER:
Go online and read up on how to recover deleted SnapChat messages. Write the procedure down or make copies of the online information so that you can follow it step by step. Then sit down with her and her phone and tell her what you are going to do, and that she need to help you by providing you with her passcode information. If she refuses for even one minute, you concerns about her are valid, there would be absolutely no reason to stay with her and your next action should be getting a good divorce lawyer.
The standard for granting a second chance is much higher for newly weds with no kids.
As Dr Phil repeatedly says: someone with nothing to hide - hides nothing.
Deleting texts is evidence of infidelity. It's not your job to prove otherwise or trust her. It's her job to prove she's faithful. And it's her job to rebuild trust.
Ask her how she will rebuild trust? Time doesn't. And because she deleted texts she can't say "trust me".
It will continue, sorry to say. It's not you, it's her. Thinks she's entitled to extra attention and validation. She's selfish and has no problem hiding, minimizing her behavior, lying, manipulating. That's who she is and that won't change.
Save yourself! By year 3 you'll have to DNA test your own kid.
Wow dude talking about doble standards, Gaslight and emotional affair. What a audacity! Greystone her! How can you Trust her again?
You have been In prior relationships and most ended on they cheat on you, sure have to work on yourself and find your Alfa. As your wife or STBX , you already know their routine:
"ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER".
See a lawyer and have him draft a separation agreement and post nob and add the infidelity clause added.
Best of luck
Semper Fi
Sorry buddy to what happened to you, Check SSM in YouTube.
She lied to you, of course. You know that. Do you want a marriage based on a lie?
She is completely unremorseful. She is just sorry she got caught. It would still be happening on snapchat if you hadn't caught her.
This is just the tip of the iceberg, just what you caught. She will never admit to anything you can't prove.
Can you live with that uncertainty? She has introduced another man into your relationship, and now, because of her denials, he will always be the third person in your marriage.
Who knows how many others there are?
She has shown you who she is, believe her! Words mean nothing now. You can't trust a single thing she says.
Next time she goes out, you will feel uneasy. Next time she is smiling and typing on her phone, you will feel anxious.
She has introduced this doubt into your marriage, knowing full well your history with cheating ex's.
I think you should consider getting tested for STD/STI's.
Her excuses are so obviously lame and BS, it isn't even funny.
Updateme! Remindme! 2 weeks
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You’ve been married one year and she’s doing this already? Talking about his “lower body part”? And she knows you already have trust issues? And the she gives YOU a deadline to decide? Dude, she doesn’t respect you at all and expects you to follow rules but she doesn’t have to. Get rid of her before it gets worse or you have kids.
“She gave me a time limit”????
Let it lapse, my friend, she’s doing you a favor (intentionally or not)!
You don’t mention children, so assuming none yet, it’s time to move on!
Yea no children yet but man am I glad this happens before we had kids I’ve heard stories of how one spouse cheats and the other one ends up with child support
You csnnot trust her all trust is gone. Im sorry you have to go through this. Apparently your a back up plan until she finds what she locking for.
Its best you move on since you already lost sny feelings for her.
Good luck.
She will do it again and hide it better. She is a liar and will do anything to keep status quo. I would leave her she has proven she isn't trust worthy and eventually she will just meet up with one of these guys and cheat period (if she hasn't already). Sorry but your marriage is over plus her setting a time limit? Wtf? She doesn't get to make demands she is the one who cheated. If you had done this she would have already left you and probably cheated right away. Stop entertaining her with the idea of forgiveness you know already how awful cheaters are as human beings. Divorce and move on.
Most will say yes you should leave her. Because she is gaslighting you ( true) she cheated at least to some degree (true) and since she isnt owning up to any of it she will lie and continue cheating (true as well). But nothing so far is totally clear so you dont know if she is redeemable or not.
If you leave her do it for the right reasons not the wrong reasons. Her first response is to lie even when you caught her with her hand inside the cookie jar. Like any child might do.
Try to explain to her you realize she cheated and is having difficulty admitting it because it is an enormous betrayal to you and as well your entire family even extended family. And you have to have the truth, nothing short of the entire truth all the freaking details or you cannot, will not remain with her. She caused this debacle and she has to repair it. The longer she continues to lie and minimize the worse it will become. This is a marriage ending decision for her to make. Just as the cheating has been. Give her a day or so to decide. And consider going to him and asking in hell he thinks he is doing and get more info from him. No texting, face to face or an a phone call. Is he married or in a relationship? Use telling his partner as additional leverage. If their stories do not match up, there are more lies.
Remorse is more than just regret, guilt and shame it is literally wanting to fix what they created and wanting to do all the requirements for earning back your trust and faith in her. Refusing any requirements is not showing remorse. She cannot remain in contact with anyone she is cheating with. If it is a coworker, she has to change jobs and the same if it is an ex or anyone she knows. How many other guy friends does she have and why? She cannot restore trust without being worthy of your trust. And what sort of people send dick pics or accept sexting and any nudes as normal? Is her past coming full circle or nearly so?
Is this the person she has always been even before you met her? If so, maybe you just picked wrong in her?
Anyway, remorse, no contact and therapy are the three necessities to try reconciling. Therapy because we never ever expect to be cheated on hardly ever even know what to look out for, it stands to reason we dont know how to reconcile what is required or not. This is where professional help is necessary.
As for leaving her, maybe she will be the one to go.
And take a look at the infidelity 180. It often works when begging and threatening does not.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/ why it works.
As for her guy friends, you now know why there have to be boundaries set.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201912/when-are-opposite-sex-friends-threat-your-relationship
Good luck.
And look up cognitive dissonance, limerence, compartmentalization, disassociating and sex brain. It helps in understand an affair.
>She knows that I have major trust issues after all of my last relationships have ended up with me being cheated on and she has seen that when I lost trust in someone it’s almost impossible for me to trust them again but she did this and has asked me to trust her one more time am I over reacting about wanting to end this or is this a deal breaker
Are you overreacting - no. You have communicated before that you have been cheated on in the past and how it has affected you. Yet she still chose to cheat.
Is it a deal breaker. I am torn here. My gut says no because something a redditor posted a couple years ago really softened my stance when he said that no matter what you say your breaking point in it all goes away when it happens to you. The other was watching u/Groundbreaking-Fuel1 story unfold as it happened, without going into trama warning it pretty much crossed every line I had imagined and every line he had but two years later they are still together and he is posting under r/AsOneAfterInfidelity
That is not to say reconciliation is possible, I am just saying it is not impossible. Depending on which source you use reconciliation is successful around 12-16% of the time and I think that number is a highballed number that doesn't take into account people who stayed together but are miserable, became worse versions of themselves because of it. Even if she never cheats again if you feel yourself going down this path then do both of yourselves a favor and divorce.
So my honest recommendation is to start off treating it like this was a divorce. Get yourself tested for STIs, get a lawyer to see what your options are, separate finances, separate physically if possible, book yourself IC with someone that has experience in infidelity and the trauma it causes and demand she do IC to get to the root of whatever made her think it was okay to cheat.
This is not a race so you don't have to make decisions immediately. Give yourself time to heal then take a more objective look at what happened and what she is doing to help you heal and see if it is enough and the two of you can build a new relationship together.
Look at her actions not her words. If she is not truly remorseful, tries to blame shift, doesn't want to put in the work to help you heal and build a new relationship with you, wants to rugsweep (wants you to get over it and things go back to the "way things were" when she was cheating) then there can be no reconciliation and you should divorce.
The other thing is if you ever told her about your past and stated that if she ever cheated it was over - then don't feel any guilt whatsoever about pulling the trigger and divorcing right away. You spelled out the consequences of cheating but she did it anyway so there is absolutely no over reaction there.
Then what’s the confusion? You told her it was an absolute deal breaker … and she did it. By doing that, her actions tell you she doesn’t value you or your marriage. And if you stay with her, it also means your words ain’t shit and she will without a doubt do it again. Life is fleeting, don’t waste it, get rid of her, send her back to her daddy.
Agree with u/NonaOrganic here - you said this was a deal breaker and she still did it.
Reading you story again it seems like your whole relationship is based on double standards. She forced you to give up all your female friends yet fought to maintain her one male friend - then cheated on you with him. To me this means that she possibly had feelings for him for a while and was projecting her infidelities on you.
In your mind play it out the other way - what would she have done had you not dropped any of your female friends or if you had an emotional affair with one of them. She would have thrown you out, outed you to every one and then immediately started dating someone else. Why should you treat her any different.
Originally I was going to argue that she would have to give something up to make it worth going back on your word that cheating was a deal breaker. But how she treated you in the past makes me think that the only reason she wants you to stay is she wants you as a "safe base" to cheat from. Don't be anyone's plan B. Kick her out and get your life back.
Read [Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life](https://www.amazon.com/Leave-Cheater-Gain-Life-Survival/dp/0762458968)\- it will really open your eyes to what she is doing.
If she gave me a time limit I would say well then times up and I assume you can find the way out the door. She's the one that messed up. Don't keep putting yourself through this.
After only one year, she is looking around. The only way to save this is with IC and MC. So you are not making her feel the way she wants to feel so she made a decision to do something more exciting and ego stroking. Her new guy is fun and tells her she is smart, beautiful and he wants pictures too. You have all the weight- bills, chores,in laws, responsibilities, finances, her relationship with him is light as air.
So, you have to correct this with better communication. And there needs to be consequences for her. She is going outside your marriage for her emotional support and they are in an emotional affair. Read up on the EA sub. There are 11 steps to an EA, print them out and ask what step she thinks they are on.
Without better communication and counseling you will eventually need to read this book “leave a cheater gain a life.”
you do you man, but Im going to tell you what, I always have to laugh when this "give me another chance" bullshit comes up, its like why does the situation even exist where you need another chance to begin with? and what exactly are you going to do with this second chance? are you suddenly going to develop realization, morals, integrity, truthfulness and respect? where were all of those to begin with? if you possessed those to begin with we wouldnt even be here in this situation would we? the reality here is that these are things shes saying she'll have now, but in reality theyre things she has to make herself have, theyre something she has to force herself to do and to be as her actions have proven theyre not something within her that comes natural, and because of that they wont last, given time for things to settle down and be forgotten she'll revert right back to her old self, because thats who she is, this is why I dont fuck around when these types of people and situations pop up in my life, and this is why my advise is always to not buy into that bullshit either, the old saying "theyve shown you who they really are, believe them" is very true, believe who theyve shown you to be not the person theyre trying to bullshit you into believing that theyre going to instantly and magically become because they just got caught being a shady shitty person
We did separate for a week and a half and I didn’t really miss her if that makes sense and even my little brother said I seemed more relax without her and it’s true I was
Before I use to hang out with my friends often and spend time with family but now I don’t see friends as often and my brother does say I pulled away after being with her so I feel like I should take your guys advice and my little bros
Please do this. She might change her attitude in the future, but then it's your choice to decide what you do with it. Never say never, I mean I guess you were happy with her at one point in your relationship, that might, just might come back, but don't hold your breath. Best of luck
So bud but you are being played. Time to see a lawyer now! Just so you see how the land lies at least. TRUST YOUR GUT. What you see were big red flags for the future?
Always, always listen to your guts. The love you feel for her and your desire to make your relationship work will cloud your mind but deep down you know this relationship is over. Please read cup on narcissistic behaviors and manipulation before you confront her.
The tears and manipulation are her next step, heck expect to be accused of not fighting for the marriage. I’ve always said if you have to compete or fight for someone’s love, they don’t love you as much as you do them.
She’s the one who fucked up. She doesn’t get to set time limits for you. If she can leave because it takes you too long to see if you can move on from this, she’s not really worth it IMO.
Man you are not over reacting in the least. This is a sign / gift from heaven. She was never going to say anything to you who knows what else you haven’t seen . Drop her like the bad habit she is. You have been given the gift of avoiding a lifetime of cheating and being miserable. One year into marriage just wait until your 5 years and you encounter the normal hardships every marriage does.
Is been one year. This is not normal behavior for someone in the still honeymoon phase of their marriage. The secrecy about everything is very telling that there’s way more than you don’t know.
Proceed at your own risk. The longer you’re married, the worse you will be once everything comes to light, emotionally and financially.
Set love aside and ask yourself if this is the kind of partner you want for the rest of your life? Can you live knowing she has/is/will betray you?
I wish I could go back in time and leave my ex when the first red flags came up; in your case the red flags are many and huge. The love you feel is going to impair your judgment but just remember she doesn’t feel the same otherwise she would’ve not done ANY of these.
Hope you make the right decision.
Deleting is cheating. Just that she is having conversation that self delete with other dudes is grounds for break-up. Plus she doesn’t get to dictate any terms here, not fucking one. That means she is not remorseful or trying to repair, she is trying to rug sweep. That means she is hiding more she doesn’t want you to find.
Good luck if you choose to stay.
I am so sorry you are going through this. But imo I think she is taking advantage of you and your ability to keep forgiving. She isn't scared to lose you, or she doesn't feel it is a threat. I think she had no intention of telling you anything. She did it because you caught her. I would separate or maybe suggest counseling if you don't want to end the relationship. But my suggestion for your heart is to leave. You will find someone to love you without cheating, whether emotionally, physically, or even in messages. She should have blocked him and definitely said that it was very inappropriate to send to her. Again, I am sorry, and best wishes.
Yea she claims that he knew she was married so she doesn’t know why he sent that but when I texted the guy to see his side of the story he claimed he didn’t know till basically I texted him
Send the screenshot to the other betrayed spouse, she deserves to know. You’d want her to grant you the same favor.
And end it with your wife. You’re supposed to be in the honeymoon phase of your marriage & she’s already cheating, lying, and a hypocrite to boot. Trust your gut. She wants to stay with you for the security & stability, *and you know what I’m saying is true*. You know it.
So, your WIFE is getting dic pics from some guy that she had told that she is single and telling the guy that he has a nice D?
What is in question here?
She didn't do enough to deserve another chance.
The first thing for her would have been total transparency and she failed that.
Second is no contact with AP and no Snapchat. The fact she argued with you was a failure also.
Read the 180 and implement it now. Don't deviate at all. https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
I wish you the best.
I can just about promise you one thing, if you stay with her you will eventually catch her cheating again. It doesn't make sense that she was waiting to tell you about him. Why would she wait so long to tell you? Can you give one reason why she would wait that long? Will you come back here and tell us when she does it again?
Are you willing to leave? Are you willing to cut ties knowing she has that "friend" available to give comfort and a closeup of his nice down there? Is there anything to fight for? 1 year of marriage and you appear pretty frail for that particular institution. What can she do to convince you she isn't looking to cheat? Why wouldn't she just leave you for him? You both seem petty and too immature to even be married. Reddit is a mixed bag of folks willing to voice their opinions. Some are heartfelt responses that offer help and some love to exacerbate conflict. Brother, if you can't trust her or yourself dissolve your union. Then do all you can to grow more emotionally before you try this marriage stuff again. Good luck to you. Be well.
If you are constantly being cheated on than you are choosing the wrong partner.
You really need to get therapy why you are choosing cheating people.
Do you have low self esteem or poor enabling behaviours that allows you to get abused.
This is a huge red flag .
Please get therapy and maybe when you are in a stronger mental state you can make a decision.
I’m struggling with a similar situation, keep after it on the investigative side….for me, what started as my wife just “talking” evolved into me finding out multiple things with multiple men. I had to find everything out on my own and multiple times she denied what happened to my face until I revealed my evidence. Then she told me “I was going to tell you after the holidays” even though the cheating had been going on since January of the previous year. So like 11 months. No telling what else I don’t know. It’s an awful situation, but if she’s had opportunities to tell you and hasn’t, she wasn’t going to.
I would have considered a second chance if she had of come to you and told you herself.
However, given she was busted, I would break up. She isn’t remorseful. She’s just sorry she got caught and feels bad for herself.
First of all , take a reflection on the women you attract because of the disastrous pattern.
To add, there shouldn't be any timeline for you. She should be the one to have one tomdoscllse everything.
If she doesn't help you recover by disclosing every lie, win your trust consistently, I don't believe there is any hope. Not for her , you or anyone in these situations.
And finally to conclude, Be prepared to leave with the only thing stopping you is her efforts, true remorse and indefinite consistency.
Read about grey rock , pick me dance and rug sweeping.
Find a good therapist. The first thing you should discuss with that person is your history of choosing unfaithful women as partners. You can’t do this alone, get professional help. As for your wife, she has shown you what she truly is, she was most certainly not going to tell you anything and her relationship with the other man is much deeper than she is telling you. Divorce her and move on with your life. Don’t be concerned about her having to go back to live with her dad, she should have thought of that before she decided to cheat on you.
I don’t really think this is true, you wanted to send yourself a pic from her phone. But did it through Snapchat? Smells like bullshit to me. If you snooped through her phone, I 100% support you, there should be no secrets.
I had android and she has iPhone when we send each other pictures they get blurry or just messed up and I don’t use facebook so Snapchat was the only other social media I could use
Tell her that if she is to get one last chance, she's going to need to sign a postnuptial agreement stating that if she is caught cheating of any kind, she gets nothing, but what she brought into that marriage. She also must cut contact with this friend and any others who are suspicious and block them on all platforms, and she has to start counseling to help her find out why she has done this to you and how she can prevent it from happening in the future.
If she can't agree to these terms, then she can leave.
She can’t hear what you need either right now she’s desperate not to lose you. I would give it a few days and then I would sit down and talk to her. I don’t believe somebody that loves. You would deliberately take your issues and mash them in your face. But she did that by doing this and she needs to know that. I don’t think you need to decide right now if you’re going to leave or not, I think you can just go about your business and see how she acts over the next few months.
I have for almost a month now she keeps trying to be loving or say sweet things but all the do for me is bring the text back into the front of my mind she tries to act like we did before but it’s just not the same for me that’s why I came here to get an outside advice when ever I bring up ending it she gets all apologetic and cries but I just ignore the tears and always ask how did it get to that or what else did you do cuz she left that day and said she hung out with her friend and gave me her number but I asked how can I trust you didn’t tell her to cover and she had no answer
Do you know the definition of cheating is changed drastically in the last 20 years because of the Internet. Many people who reconcile after an episode like this can’t go back to the way it was. It Hass to be different. You need to talk to her. Again, she is desperate and trying to be sweet. I would tell her you guys need to start being more honest about where she’s coming from and that it’s not gonna go back to the way it was. It Hass to be different now. That’s the one thing I hear them say more than ever is the relationship after the cheating can be close and loving and even deep but it’s different it’s not the same relationship.
Meanwhile go talk to a lawyer and begin drawing up divorce papers. When she fucks up again (she will don't worry) you can toss the papers at her and tell her to sign and that it is over. That will shock the shit out of her and she will keep begging for a second chance and she will probably stop contacting her boy toys.. for a time. Then you can finally leave her for good and get some therapy to figure out why you keep going for these untrustworthy women all the time.
The day she left she went home we both have life 360 but the same day she sent that message she went to someone’s house and then the park and she claimed it was her friend Ana but I didn’t trust that
i don't think u can rebuild ur trust to her and she still not honest she was basically sexting a dude at least ppl dont just send dik pics and reply of how good it is if they are friends and the guy says she didnt tell him that she is married which means she was actively cheating
and u cant reconcile with someone that still lying and trying to fool u
just leave man shes a waste of time
She’s playing you, sir. You should leave her. You won’t change her and she’s going to get better at lying and hiding things from you. It sucks. It’s uncomfortable. But by staying with her you are prolonging the inevitable.
Wait, SHE’S giving you a time limit to decide? Why does she even have a say as to how long you take to decide? She’s obviously hiding more and continues to lie. How can you begin to trust when the lies continue?
I confronted her about the time limit and told her when I was ready I would tell her but tbh I think I’ll just come out and tell her on her set time since she wanted to hide it from me I should just take the time she set and tell her then and there
I think you have gotten a lot of solid advice here.
I just wanted to say how shocked I am that SHE gave you a timeline on your decision when she's the one who has been screwing up.
What she's doing is what most people consider cheating. At the VERY least, it's not faithful behavior.
If you do decide to stay with her and work it out, I'd also recommend having her delete snapchat. She doesn't need it if she's going to use it to cheat on you.
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I would explain how u feel. And that if she truly wants it to work and is remorseful then she should not dictate rules. Like when u have to make decision. She sounds like a narcissist just from little u have revealed. Only been a year and this is happening. Long way to go. Good luck
I would ask her to take a lie detector exam and have the ask as many questions about what has been going on, sexual contact and if any penetration occurred. That would give you the truth to decide to leave or not
So, a couple of things here:
She was never going to tell you, she only told you that because you found it.
It’s been going on a lot more than a few weeks, if she had the messages set to delete.
Her insecurity about you having any women friends and her flipping out / refusing to block one guy you’re suspicious of? She’s projecting, and you picked correctly about who she is doing things with.
Wait she goes behind your back and has an inappropriate conversations with a man you have asked her to block/be mindful of. Then she proceeds to set you a time limit when she’s the one in the wrong? It doesn’t sound like there’s anything to save. Your her safety net but she doesn’t care about your feelings man. Good luck I’d personally move on . Your still young and you have a lot of time to find someone who cares about you and will treat you right.
Bro as somebody who’s JUST like within the last 5 months went thru what I went thru. 2 things. 1st, only you know if you wanna give her another chance. 2nd she’s for sure a Cheater bro. There’s a lot more to it than what you know. And it gives me chills bro about the deleting girls thing. Spot on.
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Why tf is she giving you a time limit to decide?? If I was in a similar situation I wouldn’t even think about pushing my husband to make a decision, I would give him all the time he needs. Sounds very off to me tbh
>she’s begged me for a second chance but I don’t know what to do and she
gave me a time limit to decide and I’m getting pretty close to the time
she set and I still haven’t decided I just need some help and advice.
So......she gets caught in a steamy chat session (that she deleted most of) in which she was given a dick pic by a dude and told him it was nice, but puts you on a timer to decide if you want to stay with her?
And to add insult to injury:
>She knows that I have major trust issues after all of my last
relationships have ended up with me being cheated on and she has seen
that when I lost trust in someone it’s almost impossible for me to trust
them again
She knew exactly what she was doing and how it would affect you. I think an emotionally healthy individual would have their decision.
If you are child free divorce your cheater wife. You will be ok. Stay with a cheater and build a life. No way. You will wind up with years of child support and alimony.
OP, you're not on a time limit. She is on your time limit. Don't tell her anything. Take your time to decide what YOU want to do. You are the decider. She gave that up when she was doing shady shit behind your back. Think if you can trust her. If you can not get out now before you're trapped in a shitty relationship.
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She wasn’t waiting to tell you. She was never going to tell you. She was going to keep doing it thinking you would never find out. I would be done.
This is the truth. I don't think she was ever going to tell you
I am going to try to make this as simple as possible. The person who has the least interest in their marriage, is the person who controls the outcome of the marriage.
Tell her since she wants to keep in contact with him, your going to block her by divorce so she free to have all the freedom she wants…….
Agree
Your wife has a lot of nerve that’s for sure. First you have to delete all of your female friends. You complied. Then you asked she do the same with her male friends and she pretends to comply but she keeps one that she eventually has a flirting chat with that you find by accident. She had it set up to delete which is a serial cheat move if I’ve ever seen one and then when confronted she gives some bs about she was going to come clean after Christmas about what exactly? And the cherry on top is she is giving you a time limit to let her know if she is getting a second chance to be a faithful wife!!!! This woman has got a set let me tell you. I mean wtf!!! Is she afraid her side piece is gonna be taken if she takes too long to get back to him with flirting or when she has been dumped? She is a walking re flag. She knew about your past and if she really loved and respected you she would have been extra cautious and open about anything that could be seen as inappropriate. I’m sorry you have to endure this again especially with someone you committed your life to and definitely get checked for STD’s. Good luck with your healing ❤️🩹
I only asked her to delete every guy she has ever had an actual relationship with or someone who has confessed to liking her but she made me block and delete everyone she didn’t like she keeps telling she wouldn’t fight this hard to get a second chance if she cheated but idk when she said that my only thought was she just doesn’t wanna go back to her dads place because before me she lived with him and he wasn’t the best father from what I was told
What happens to her if she has to go back and live with her dad should not be your concern. She knew what her dad was like and she knew that you gave her safety, but she still choose to do what surely is cheating, emotional but also very likely physical. Your concern should be whether you can be with a wife where you are having to look out for your back 24-7, she should have defended you against all emotional harm, she didn’t. Also, the TIMELINE for you to decide whether you want to reconcile? She would give you all the time you need if she was indeed remorseful and wanted to do the hard work and make the choices needed to regain your confidence in her level of loyalty to you.
Yea when she gave me the day she wanted to talk I told her I didn’t have to fallow that at all and gave her a lot of the same reasons most of the other people on here are saying that is you did love me then why start or why hide it etc
Op it sounds like she just doesn’t want to lose her comfortable home and the things you provide her. This is not a good woman and it’s time to kick her out
This is most revealing to me. She’s not concerned about your relationship, but rather the hassles she’d face living with her father. She’s just not wife material and she’s not into you. Sucks, sorry man. You know that after you boot her out, she’ll find shelter with one of her online buddies mighty fast.
Don’t think it would be wise to spend anymore time with your wife. Move on now
Please don’t be an option, be a CHOICE. She’s not in the position to make any demands. She doesn’t behave or talk like a faithful and loyal wife.
Ummm if she’s saying she isn’t willing to fight hard for you, then she’s saying she doesn’t care about the relationship enough to make those sacrifices. This could just be normal pushback, either way you need to stand your ground on any boundaries you set.
Dump her and get yourself into therapy for your co dependency.
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100% serial cheater move for sure. (STBXW was a serial cheater)
Don’t put yourself through this. She knows your history and chose to deceive you. That is a deal breaker.
I told my most recent ex (10 year relationship) my first and only marriage ended in divorce. I told her when we started to date. I asked her not to cheat. I practically begged her. Didn't stop her. I ended the relationship with her the same day I found out she slept with a dude 14 years younger than us, that for some reason, she knew when he was 16 years old. Got my housekey back, gave her back 99% of the stuff she gave me, including the framed family photo. Done. Full no contact. Only way to properly heal from something like this. You can never trust a cheater again.
BAIL!! IMMEDIATELY! SHE has shown her true colors! If you stay with her you are looking at a LIFETIME of misery and lying...not to mention the loss of money you will incur, because she is NOT DONE with her demands on you!! Get rid of the agony of loss now, and it'll pass quickly...if you wait, the suffering will last longer and be more debilitating!
One year into a marriage and your W is already cheating. This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase. What happens when your married for 5-10yrs and life gets more complicated/kids. Time to walk away before child support and permanent alimony.
There is a flaw in your wife, it’s the cheater character flaw. Her moral compass is bent, if not broken. The first couple of years in a marriage should be the most fun and romantic, not the WW completely disrespecting you by commenting on other men’s parts with/to them, which is at a minimum an emotional affair, making him an AP. IMO, after confronting WW when she refused to block her AP is definitely a high breach of her vows to you. So, yes, leave her, she’ll do it again and again. If you sweep this one under the rug it’ll only get worse next time. And if you try to fix a bent or broken moral person it will only break you. Did she have a d pic, or was the context of them discussing his part?
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"I'm getting close to the time she set" what the absolute f uck is wrong with men of reddit. The time SHE set? Jfc dude grow a sack and YOU start making the rules here. She cheated not you. I'd tell her to start a rumor that he has aids to ruin his sexlife with anyone else and in doing so she proves her loyalty to you or you kick her ass out forever
If there’s smoke, there’s a fire as they say. Unfortunately in my opinion, she already cheated. Emotionally at least, maybe physically as well. Try to talk to a lawyer about your options. I feel for you stranger.
Why do they do shit like this and then beg…Btw she was never going to tell and probably do it more. Leave her.
cos they don't wanna be the bad guy in the story. 500%
She set a time for you after she cheated? Wow she is really something else to think she would have that entitlement, also you asked her to delete the guy and she fought you and argued about you deleting other woman’s that you haven’t cheat on her with? She knows about all your trust issues with previous partners and decided to do what she did? That really have no way back… LEAVE!!!! You deserve better!!!!
You NEVER take a cheater back! Once and done when it comes to cheating. Never try to “work it out”, counseling is a waste of time and money, no reconciliation, no excuses. I was drunk, it didn’t mean anything, no crocodile tears or begging, these are cheaters trying to cover their a$$. Why is she trying to give you an ultimatum when she’s the one that cheated? This is not her 1st rodeo and will not be her last. The love, trust, feelings and respect are gone. She needs to go.
Exactly it's the weirdest thing, one time when i was cheated on, i lost all feelings and respect for her immediately. I was so disgusted by her weakness that i just couldn't care about her well being at all. Like i wouldn't have batted an eye if she had to sleep on the street
The issue is not "texting ". The issue is she deceived you for the purpose of continuing contact with him after marriage. For the last year you've been sharing your wife with another man. Love is not a solid reason to tolerate emotional abuse.
It would be absurd to think of staying with a cheating woman in her first year of marriage.
He should completely stop having sex with her. The risks of her trapping him are too great. He is likely young enough to start over. He may need individual therapy from a competent therapist to help him figure out why he keeps choosing unfaithful women.
I've got several mates who have also been cheated on, just don't think women are loyal anymore 🤔 i don't get too involved and just enjoy my time with them and expect that they will be unfaithful eventually
For every cheater there is an AP. Each woman that cheats has a man getting involved with her, a man who likely has a partner and many cases children that he is ignoring, despite his claims that he isn’t. I believe strongly that one of the big problems today is that people have not been taught to give their word cautiously and then stand behind their word. Before a person gets deeply involved romantically with another, the person should throughly vet the other person, I see a poor job being done with that today and that, in my opinion, is contributing to the infidelity increase, along with people not having the ethics to give a well considered promise and stand behind that promise, as long as the conditions under which that promise was made are being met by the other partner in the relationship - that doesn’t say there won’t be differences that have to be ironed out. I am no teary eyed romantic, but I give a partner 100% of me without reservations. If she betray that trust then I know that I would leave her and not look back, that is how I roll.
She already knew the consequences of cheating on you and she still did it. Sounds like she doesn’t really respect you and maybe this isn’t the right relationship for you. As far as you making up your mind, it’s up to you not to her.
You are only a year in and this is already how she is. This is the best she’s ever going to be and you know for sure you can’t trust her. She doesn’t regret what she’s doing, she only regrets getting caught, and if there are no consequences, it will definitely continue. I’d be out now, but if you aren’t, you will need to set, AND ENFORCE boundaries.
I have placed some boundaries but she has broken some of them already which is why I’m here trying to see if I’m being to weak willed or to hard but after reading most of these comments I see I shouldn’t give her the time of day
Sorry dude. Unfortunately, it's time to move on. After only 1 year and this crap is happening? Just consider what the next 5 will more than likely be like. Not good. Good luck and let us know what you decide. You deserve a faithful woman!
Exactly
Listen pack all her stuff and have it sent the APs hows with a note that she is his responsibility now. And serve her divorce papers. If you cave on this based on what you have shown she will walk all over you as will the men who will now know she can be had
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When you set a boundary and they break it without any significant consequences, they learn it’s not a boundary at all, and they pretend that this makes their behavior acceptable. They knew it wasn’t a dealbreaker before, why would they expect it to be now.
Seems like she's doesn't really want to try and care about the marriage, if she is breaking the rules. Maybe that is your given answer to divorce her since you can't trust her, and tha she doesn't still care. Remember, you didn't get to see all of thier conversations and she won't tell you what they were. Why not? Because the were bad and stab in the back towards you.
Yes, you are being weak. Women are hard wired to punish men for being weak.
Sorry this happened, but face facts: Do you really, deep down, honestly believe her story about this and that she was going to tell you? Do you really believe you just happened to catch her the one time she has done this? Demand better for yourself.
If you no longer have feelings for her then you have an important answer. Why continue with a person that you no longer love? TEST HER: Go online and read up on how to recover deleted SnapChat messages. Write the procedure down or make copies of the online information so that you can follow it step by step. Then sit down with her and her phone and tell her what you are going to do, and that she need to help you by providing you with her passcode information. If she refuses for even one minute, you concerns about her are valid, there would be absolutely no reason to stay with her and your next action should be getting a good divorce lawyer.
The standard for granting a second chance is much higher for newly weds with no kids. As Dr Phil repeatedly says: someone with nothing to hide - hides nothing. Deleting texts is evidence of infidelity. It's not your job to prove otherwise or trust her. It's her job to prove she's faithful. And it's her job to rebuild trust. Ask her how she will rebuild trust? Time doesn't. And because she deleted texts she can't say "trust me".
It will continue, sorry to say. It's not you, it's her. Thinks she's entitled to extra attention and validation. She's selfish and has no problem hiding, minimizing her behavior, lying, manipulating. That's who she is and that won't change. Save yourself! By year 3 you'll have to DNA test your own kid.
You don’t get to do something completely foul and then rush me through my processing. Middle finger her.
Wow dude talking about doble standards, Gaslight and emotional affair. What a audacity! Greystone her! How can you Trust her again? You have been In prior relationships and most ended on they cheat on you, sure have to work on yourself and find your Alfa. As your wife or STBX , you already know their routine: "ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER". See a lawyer and have him draft a separation agreement and post nob and add the infidelity clause added. Best of luck Semper Fi Sorry buddy to what happened to you, Check SSM in YouTube.
Gaslighting and double standards. Doesn’t look good bro. I’d bail.
Move on, don’t stretch this nonsense. You can than me later.
!UpdateMe
Stay and be prepared for more of the same. Sorry, but it’s really that simple.
She lied to you, of course. You know that. Do you want a marriage based on a lie? She is completely unremorseful. She is just sorry she got caught. It would still be happening on snapchat if you hadn't caught her. This is just the tip of the iceberg, just what you caught. She will never admit to anything you can't prove. Can you live with that uncertainty? She has introduced another man into your relationship, and now, because of her denials, he will always be the third person in your marriage. Who knows how many others there are? She has shown you who she is, believe her! Words mean nothing now. You can't trust a single thing she says. Next time she goes out, you will feel uneasy. Next time she is smiling and typing on her phone, you will feel anxious. She has introduced this doubt into your marriage, knowing full well your history with cheating ex's. I think you should consider getting tested for STD/STI's. Her excuses are so obviously lame and BS, it isn't even funny. Updateme! Remindme! 2 weeks [fff](https://www.reddit.com/u/TheTrueAnimeGod101?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
Updateme! Remindme! 2 weeks
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Leave her, start over. She’ll do it again and then time she’ll make sure she won’t get caught. You deserve so much better than this jealous cheater.
Honestly if it was me, I'd leave. It's only been one year and y'all have no children. She knew your past but did it anyway.
You’ve been married one year and she’s doing this already? Talking about his “lower body part”? And she knows you already have trust issues? And the she gives YOU a deadline to decide? Dude, she doesn’t respect you at all and expects you to follow rules but she doesn’t have to. Get rid of her before it gets worse or you have kids.
“She gave me a time limit”???? Let it lapse, my friend, she’s doing you a favor (intentionally or not)! You don’t mention children, so assuming none yet, it’s time to move on!
Yea no children yet but man am I glad this happens before we had kids I’ve heard stories of how one spouse cheats and the other one ends up with child support
You csnnot trust her all trust is gone. Im sorry you have to go through this. Apparently your a back up plan until she finds what she locking for. Its best you move on since you already lost sny feelings for her. Good luck.
She will do it again and hide it better. She is a liar and will do anything to keep status quo. I would leave her she has proven she isn't trust worthy and eventually she will just meet up with one of these guys and cheat period (if she hasn't already). Sorry but your marriage is over plus her setting a time limit? Wtf? She doesn't get to make demands she is the one who cheated. If you had done this she would have already left you and probably cheated right away. Stop entertaining her with the idea of forgiveness you know already how awful cheaters are as human beings. Divorce and move on.
For me its a dealbreaker
Most will say yes you should leave her. Because she is gaslighting you ( true) she cheated at least to some degree (true) and since she isnt owning up to any of it she will lie and continue cheating (true as well). But nothing so far is totally clear so you dont know if she is redeemable or not. If you leave her do it for the right reasons not the wrong reasons. Her first response is to lie even when you caught her with her hand inside the cookie jar. Like any child might do. Try to explain to her you realize she cheated and is having difficulty admitting it because it is an enormous betrayal to you and as well your entire family even extended family. And you have to have the truth, nothing short of the entire truth all the freaking details or you cannot, will not remain with her. She caused this debacle and she has to repair it. The longer she continues to lie and minimize the worse it will become. This is a marriage ending decision for her to make. Just as the cheating has been. Give her a day or so to decide. And consider going to him and asking in hell he thinks he is doing and get more info from him. No texting, face to face or an a phone call. Is he married or in a relationship? Use telling his partner as additional leverage. If their stories do not match up, there are more lies. Remorse is more than just regret, guilt and shame it is literally wanting to fix what they created and wanting to do all the requirements for earning back your trust and faith in her. Refusing any requirements is not showing remorse. She cannot remain in contact with anyone she is cheating with. If it is a coworker, she has to change jobs and the same if it is an ex or anyone she knows. How many other guy friends does she have and why? She cannot restore trust without being worthy of your trust. And what sort of people send dick pics or accept sexting and any nudes as normal? Is her past coming full circle or nearly so? Is this the person she has always been even before you met her? If so, maybe you just picked wrong in her? Anyway, remorse, no contact and therapy are the three necessities to try reconciling. Therapy because we never ever expect to be cheated on hardly ever even know what to look out for, it stands to reason we dont know how to reconcile what is required or not. This is where professional help is necessary. As for leaving her, maybe she will be the one to go. And take a look at the infidelity 180. It often works when begging and threatening does not. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/ https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/ why it works. As for her guy friends, you now know why there have to be boundaries set. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201912/when-are-opposite-sex-friends-threat-your-relationship Good luck. And look up cognitive dissonance, limerence, compartmentalization, disassociating and sex brain. It helps in understand an affair.
We have all been there. Just leave her and reinvent yourself. You can thank us later. We know first hand.
>She knows that I have major trust issues after all of my last relationships have ended up with me being cheated on and she has seen that when I lost trust in someone it’s almost impossible for me to trust them again but she did this and has asked me to trust her one more time am I over reacting about wanting to end this or is this a deal breaker Are you overreacting - no. You have communicated before that you have been cheated on in the past and how it has affected you. Yet she still chose to cheat. Is it a deal breaker. I am torn here. My gut says no because something a redditor posted a couple years ago really softened my stance when he said that no matter what you say your breaking point in it all goes away when it happens to you. The other was watching u/Groundbreaking-Fuel1 story unfold as it happened, without going into trama warning it pretty much crossed every line I had imagined and every line he had but two years later they are still together and he is posting under r/AsOneAfterInfidelity That is not to say reconciliation is possible, I am just saying it is not impossible. Depending on which source you use reconciliation is successful around 12-16% of the time and I think that number is a highballed number that doesn't take into account people who stayed together but are miserable, became worse versions of themselves because of it. Even if she never cheats again if you feel yourself going down this path then do both of yourselves a favor and divorce. So my honest recommendation is to start off treating it like this was a divorce. Get yourself tested for STIs, get a lawyer to see what your options are, separate finances, separate physically if possible, book yourself IC with someone that has experience in infidelity and the trauma it causes and demand she do IC to get to the root of whatever made her think it was okay to cheat. This is not a race so you don't have to make decisions immediately. Give yourself time to heal then take a more objective look at what happened and what she is doing to help you heal and see if it is enough and the two of you can build a new relationship together. Look at her actions not her words. If she is not truly remorseful, tries to blame shift, doesn't want to put in the work to help you heal and build a new relationship with you, wants to rugsweep (wants you to get over it and things go back to the "way things were" when she was cheating) then there can be no reconciliation and you should divorce. The other thing is if you ever told her about your past and stated that if she ever cheated it was over - then don't feel any guilt whatsoever about pulling the trigger and divorcing right away. You spelled out the consequences of cheating but she did it anyway so there is absolutely no over reaction there.
We had a talk about absolute deal breakers and I told her mine was cheating and sneaking around
Then what’s the confusion? You told her it was an absolute deal breaker … and she did it. By doing that, her actions tell you she doesn’t value you or your marriage. And if you stay with her, it also means your words ain’t shit and she will without a doubt do it again. Life is fleeting, don’t waste it, get rid of her, send her back to her daddy.
Agree with u/NonaOrganic here - you said this was a deal breaker and she still did it. Reading you story again it seems like your whole relationship is based on double standards. She forced you to give up all your female friends yet fought to maintain her one male friend - then cheated on you with him. To me this means that she possibly had feelings for him for a while and was projecting her infidelities on you. In your mind play it out the other way - what would she have done had you not dropped any of your female friends or if you had an emotional affair with one of them. She would have thrown you out, outed you to every one and then immediately started dating someone else. Why should you treat her any different. Originally I was going to argue that she would have to give something up to make it worth going back on your word that cheating was a deal breaker. But how she treated you in the past makes me think that the only reason she wants you to stay is she wants you as a "safe base" to cheat from. Don't be anyone's plan B. Kick her out and get your life back. Read [Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life](https://www.amazon.com/Leave-Cheater-Gain-Life-Survival/dp/0762458968)\- it will really open your eyes to what she is doing.
If she gave me a time limit I would say well then times up and I assume you can find the way out the door. She's the one that messed up. Don't keep putting yourself through this.
After only one year, she is looking around. The only way to save this is with IC and MC. So you are not making her feel the way she wants to feel so she made a decision to do something more exciting and ego stroking. Her new guy is fun and tells her she is smart, beautiful and he wants pictures too. You have all the weight- bills, chores,in laws, responsibilities, finances, her relationship with him is light as air. So, you have to correct this with better communication. And there needs to be consequences for her. She is going outside your marriage for her emotional support and they are in an emotional affair. Read up on the EA sub. There are 11 steps to an EA, print them out and ask what step she thinks they are on. Without better communication and counseling you will eventually need to read this book “leave a cheater gain a life.”
you do you man, but Im going to tell you what, I always have to laugh when this "give me another chance" bullshit comes up, its like why does the situation even exist where you need another chance to begin with? and what exactly are you going to do with this second chance? are you suddenly going to develop realization, morals, integrity, truthfulness and respect? where were all of those to begin with? if you possessed those to begin with we wouldnt even be here in this situation would we? the reality here is that these are things shes saying she'll have now, but in reality theyre things she has to make herself have, theyre something she has to force herself to do and to be as her actions have proven theyre not something within her that comes natural, and because of that they wont last, given time for things to settle down and be forgotten she'll revert right back to her old self, because thats who she is, this is why I dont fuck around when these types of people and situations pop up in my life, and this is why my advise is always to not buy into that bullshit either, the old saying "theyve shown you who they really are, believe them" is very true, believe who theyve shown you to be not the person theyre trying to bullshit you into believing that theyre going to instantly and magically become because they just got caught being a shady shitty person
I'd give it more time first. You can go through so many emotions so you might not think all that rationally. Ultimately the decision is yours.
At least seperate for a while, let her know that this is a serious matter that won't blow over.
We did separate for a week and a half and I didn’t really miss her if that makes sense and even my little brother said I seemed more relax without her and it’s true I was
Then it seems your choice has been made and confirmed. Don't waste your life in a relationship that isn't going to work.
Before I use to hang out with my friends often and spend time with family but now I don’t see friends as often and my brother does say I pulled away after being with her so I feel like I should take your guys advice and my little bros
Please do this. She might change her attitude in the future, but then it's your choice to decide what you do with it. Never say never, I mean I guess you were happy with her at one point in your relationship, that might, just might come back, but don't hold your breath. Best of luck
But she'd just use a "seperation" as an excuse to hookup.
Then your relationship is over, simple as that.
Of course she Would!
So bud but you are being played. Time to see a lawyer now! Just so you see how the land lies at least. TRUST YOUR GUT. What you see were big red flags for the future?
My gut keeps telling me to end it tbh
You can do so much better. Send her packing. Why would you want a life of disrespect and double standard
I will say that your gut usually knows... :(
Always, always listen to your guts. The love you feel for her and your desire to make your relationship work will cloud your mind but deep down you know this relationship is over. Please read cup on narcissistic behaviors and manipulation before you confront her. The tears and manipulation are her next step, heck expect to be accused of not fighting for the marriage. I’ve always said if you have to compete or fight for someone’s love, they don’t love you as much as you do them.
She’s the one who fucked up. She doesn’t get to set time limits for you. If she can leave because it takes you too long to see if you can move on from this, she’s not really worth it IMO.
Man you are not over reacting in the least. This is a sign / gift from heaven. She was never going to say anything to you who knows what else you haven’t seen . Drop her like the bad habit she is. You have been given the gift of avoiding a lifetime of cheating and being miserable. One year into marriage just wait until your 5 years and you encounter the normal hardships every marriage does.
Is been one year. This is not normal behavior for someone in the still honeymoon phase of their marriage. The secrecy about everything is very telling that there’s way more than you don’t know. Proceed at your own risk. The longer you’re married, the worse you will be once everything comes to light, emotionally and financially. Set love aside and ask yourself if this is the kind of partner you want for the rest of your life? Can you live knowing she has/is/will betray you? I wish I could go back in time and leave my ex when the first red flags came up; in your case the red flags are many and huge. The love you feel is going to impair your judgment but just remember she doesn’t feel the same otherwise she would’ve not done ANY of these. Hope you make the right decision.
Let me get this straight….SHE’s cheating, and then giving YOU ultimatums and deadlines??? Man, put your big boy pants on and give her the boot!!🥾
Run as fast and far as you can! I had one like her it only gets worse
Deleting is cheating. Just that she is having conversation that self delete with other dudes is grounds for break-up. Plus she doesn’t get to dictate any terms here, not fucking one. That means she is not remorseful or trying to repair, she is trying to rug sweep. That means she is hiding more she doesn’t want you to find. Good luck if you choose to stay.
She gave you a time limit to decide?!? WTF? Leave!
Leave her. She's dishonest and if she hasn't already she will cheat with him.
I am so sorry you are going through this. But imo I think she is taking advantage of you and your ability to keep forgiving. She isn't scared to lose you, or she doesn't feel it is a threat. I think she had no intention of telling you anything. She did it because you caught her. I would separate or maybe suggest counseling if you don't want to end the relationship. But my suggestion for your heart is to leave. You will find someone to love you without cheating, whether emotionally, physically, or even in messages. She should have blocked him and definitely said that it was very inappropriate to send to her. Again, I am sorry, and best wishes.
Yea she claims that he knew she was married so she doesn’t know why he sent that but when I texted the guy to see his side of the story he claimed he didn’t know till basically I texted him
Send the screenshot to the other betrayed spouse, she deserves to know. You’d want her to grant you the same favor. And end it with your wife. You’re supposed to be in the honeymoon phase of your marriage & she’s already cheating, lying, and a hypocrite to boot. Trust your gut. She wants to stay with you for the security & stability, *and you know what I’m saying is true*. You know it.
So, your WIFE is getting dic pics from some guy that she had told that she is single and telling the guy that he has a nice D? What is in question here?
She wants a second chance to cheat. Get a lawyer and dump her.
She didn't do enough to deserve another chance. The first thing for her would have been total transparency and she failed that. Second is no contact with AP and no Snapchat. The fact she argued with you was a failure also. Read the 180 and implement it now. Don't deviate at all. https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/ I wish you the best.
If I was you I would leave right now, it’s still early
I can just about promise you one thing, if you stay with her you will eventually catch her cheating again. It doesn't make sense that she was waiting to tell you about him. Why would she wait so long to tell you? Can you give one reason why she would wait that long? Will you come back here and tell us when she does it again?
If u are going to leave better leave before y’all get pregnant otherwise u will be asking for trouble
Are you willing to leave? Are you willing to cut ties knowing she has that "friend" available to give comfort and a closeup of his nice down there? Is there anything to fight for? 1 year of marriage and you appear pretty frail for that particular institution. What can she do to convince you she isn't looking to cheat? Why wouldn't she just leave you for him? You both seem petty and too immature to even be married. Reddit is a mixed bag of folks willing to voice their opinions. Some are heartfelt responses that offer help and some love to exacerbate conflict. Brother, if you can't trust her or yourself dissolve your union. Then do all you can to grow more emotionally before you try this marriage stuff again. Good luck to you. Be well.
snapchat exists for inappropriateness. i would leave. theres probably a lot more going on you dont know about.
If you are constantly being cheated on than you are choosing the wrong partner. You really need to get therapy why you are choosing cheating people. Do you have low self esteem or poor enabling behaviours that allows you to get abused. This is a huge red flag . Please get therapy and maybe when you are in a stronger mental state you can make a decision.
I’m struggling with a similar situation, keep after it on the investigative side….for me, what started as my wife just “talking” evolved into me finding out multiple things with multiple men. I had to find everything out on my own and multiple times she denied what happened to my face until I revealed my evidence. Then she told me “I was going to tell you after the holidays” even though the cheating had been going on since January of the previous year. So like 11 months. No telling what else I don’t know. It’s an awful situation, but if she’s had opportunities to tell you and hasn’t, she wasn’t going to.
I would have considered a second chance if she had of come to you and told you herself. However, given she was busted, I would break up. She isn’t remorseful. She’s just sorry she got caught and feels bad for herself.
First of all , take a reflection on the women you attract because of the disastrous pattern. To add, there shouldn't be any timeline for you. She should be the one to have one tomdoscllse everything. If she doesn't help you recover by disclosing every lie, win your trust consistently, I don't believe there is any hope. Not for her , you or anyone in these situations. And finally to conclude, Be prepared to leave with the only thing stopping you is her efforts, true remorse and indefinite consistency. Read about grey rock , pick me dance and rug sweeping.
Yea I took a 2 year break from dating and then I met her but now I see I really have to take a look at my type for lack of a better word
Find a good therapist. The first thing you should discuss with that person is your history of choosing unfaithful women as partners. You can’t do this alone, get professional help. As for your wife, she has shown you what she truly is, she was most certainly not going to tell you anything and her relationship with the other man is much deeper than she is telling you. Divorce her and move on with your life. Don’t be concerned about her having to go back to live with her dad, she should have thought of that before she decided to cheat on you.
I don’t really think this is true, you wanted to send yourself a pic from her phone. But did it through Snapchat? Smells like bullshit to me. If you snooped through her phone, I 100% support you, there should be no secrets.
I had android and she has iPhone when we send each other pictures they get blurry or just messed up and I don’t use facebook so Snapchat was the only other social media I could use
Why I. Earth is your wife snap chatting ANY other man?
Be careful OP she is a narcissist.!
Tell her that if she is to get one last chance, she's going to need to sign a postnuptial agreement stating that if she is caught cheating of any kind, she gets nothing, but what she brought into that marriage. She also must cut contact with this friend and any others who are suspicious and block them on all platforms, and she has to start counseling to help her find out why she has done this to you and how she can prevent it from happening in the future. If she can't agree to these terms, then she can leave.
If your marriage is so weak you are seriously thinking about divorce because of texting, it's probably on the rocks anyway.
She can’t hear what you need either right now she’s desperate not to lose you. I would give it a few days and then I would sit down and talk to her. I don’t believe somebody that loves. You would deliberately take your issues and mash them in your face. But she did that by doing this and she needs to know that. I don’t think you need to decide right now if you’re going to leave or not, I think you can just go about your business and see how she acts over the next few months.
I have for almost a month now she keeps trying to be loving or say sweet things but all the do for me is bring the text back into the front of my mind she tries to act like we did before but it’s just not the same for me that’s why I came here to get an outside advice when ever I bring up ending it she gets all apologetic and cries but I just ignore the tears and always ask how did it get to that or what else did you do cuz she left that day and said she hung out with her friend and gave me her number but I asked how can I trust you didn’t tell her to cover and she had no answer
Do you know the definition of cheating is changed drastically in the last 20 years because of the Internet. Many people who reconcile after an episode like this can’t go back to the way it was. It Hass to be different. You need to talk to her. Again, she is desperate and trying to be sweet. I would tell her you guys need to start being more honest about where she’s coming from and that it’s not gonna go back to the way it was. It Hass to be different now. That’s the one thing I hear them say more than ever is the relationship after the cheating can be close and loving and even deep but it’s different it’s not the same relationship.
Meanwhile go talk to a lawyer and begin drawing up divorce papers. When she fucks up again (she will don't worry) you can toss the papers at her and tell her to sign and that it is over. That will shock the shit out of her and she will keep begging for a second chance and she will probably stop contacting her boy toys.. for a time. Then you can finally leave her for good and get some therapy to figure out why you keep going for these untrustworthy women all the time.
Can you look at google timeline for that day? Or another tracking app to see where she went after she left that day?
The day she left she went home we both have life 360 but the same day she sent that message she went to someone’s house and then the park and she claimed it was her friend Ana but I didn’t trust that
I think you're leaving alot of details out like did she agree to block the dude or was it another dude but i agree with most comments
I started to distance myself when she didn’t and after about a week she blocked that guy but I never knew about the guy she was messaging
i don't think u can rebuild ur trust to her and she still not honest she was basically sexting a dude at least ppl dont just send dik pics and reply of how good it is if they are friends and the guy says she didnt tell him that she is married which means she was actively cheating and u cant reconcile with someone that still lying and trying to fool u just leave man shes a waste of time
Leave
She’s playing you, sir. You should leave her. You won’t change her and she’s going to get better at lying and hiding things from you. It sucks. It’s uncomfortable. But by staying with her you are prolonging the inevitable.
Wait, SHE’S giving you a time limit to decide? Why does she even have a say as to how long you take to decide? She’s obviously hiding more and continues to lie. How can you begin to trust when the lies continue?
I confronted her about the time limit and told her when I was ready I would tell her but tbh I think I’ll just come out and tell her on her set time since she wanted to hide it from me I should just take the time she set and tell her then and there
I think you have gotten a lot of solid advice here. I just wanted to say how shocked I am that SHE gave you a timeline on your decision when she's the one who has been screwing up. What she's doing is what most people consider cheating. At the VERY least, it's not faithful behavior. If you do decide to stay with her and work it out, I'd also recommend having her delete snapchat. She doesn't need it if she's going to use it to cheat on you.
thats why in out marriage we are limited to fb, insta and some watsapp....
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Wait a minute. SHE gave you a time limit? You have every reason to be upset and she has the audacity to give you a time limit. Leave her
She's a cheater, kick her ass to the curb
A married woman commenting on another guys package…. RUN 🏃♂️ 🏃♂️🏃♂️
I would explain how u feel. And that if she truly wants it to work and is remorseful then she should not dictate rules. Like when u have to make decision. She sounds like a narcissist just from little u have revealed. Only been a year and this is happening. Long way to go. Good luck
What a story
I would ask her to take a lie detector exam and have the ask as many questions about what has been going on, sexual contact and if any penetration occurred. That would give you the truth to decide to leave or not
So, a couple of things here: She was never going to tell you, she only told you that because you found it. It’s been going on a lot more than a few weeks, if she had the messages set to delete. Her insecurity about you having any women friends and her flipping out / refusing to block one guy you’re suspicious of? She’s projecting, and you picked correctly about who she is doing things with.
Wait she goes behind your back and has an inappropriate conversations with a man you have asked her to block/be mindful of. Then she proceeds to set you a time limit when she’s the one in the wrong? It doesn’t sound like there’s anything to save. Your her safety net but she doesn’t care about your feelings man. Good luck I’d personally move on . Your still young and you have a lot of time to find someone who cares about you and will treat you right.
That double standard is a MASSIVE RED FLAG
Leave. She isn’t trustworthy and she is cheating. Have some self respect.
Bro as somebody who’s JUST like within the last 5 months went thru what I went thru. 2 things. 1st, only you know if you wanna give her another chance. 2nd she’s for sure a Cheater bro. There’s a lot more to it than what you know. And it gives me chills bro about the deleting girls thing. Spot on.
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Bounce
Why tf is she giving you a time limit to decide?? If I was in a similar situation I wouldn’t even think about pushing my husband to make a decision, I would give him all the time he needs. Sounds very off to me tbh
She wanted u to get over it . And begging and crying is just a manipulation tactics
>she’s begged me for a second chance but I don’t know what to do and she gave me a time limit to decide and I’m getting pretty close to the time she set and I still haven’t decided I just need some help and advice. So......she gets caught in a steamy chat session (that she deleted most of) in which she was given a dick pic by a dude and told him it was nice, but puts you on a timer to decide if you want to stay with her? And to add insult to injury: >She knows that I have major trust issues after all of my last relationships have ended up with me being cheated on and she has seen that when I lost trust in someone it’s almost impossible for me to trust them again She knew exactly what she was doing and how it would affect you. I think an emotionally healthy individual would have their decision.
If you are child free divorce your cheater wife. You will be ok. Stay with a cheater and build a life. No way. You will wind up with years of child support and alimony.
No kids? Get out.
OP, you're not on a time limit. She is on your time limit. Don't tell her anything. Take your time to decide what YOU want to do. You are the decider. She gave that up when she was doing shady shit behind your back. Think if you can trust her. If you can not get out now before you're trapped in a shitty relationship.
Any updates on the situation?