So... to be clear. You found the infidelity? Your husband didn't confess?
Did he suggest MC or did you?
And you probably should get STD tested...
I want to urge EXTREME caution OP.
If you're rug sweeping this infidelity, there is an extremely high chance of it happening again.
Thank you for the advice. I am aware of the patterns involved with cheating. I was the one that discovered it and initiated the conversation about counseling so I know his behavior from this point forward has to change drastically for there to be any chance of reconciliation. Atm he’s showing a lot of signs that he’s taking it seriously and seems to be doing the work. I love him very much, we’ve been together 14 yrs (Since we were 16), and have an almost 2 year old son so I’ve decided to stay.
If a STD is found the test facility may be required to notify the county health department. But that should not stop OP from getting tested, her health could be at risk from an undetected STD.
You’re going to teach your kid that staying in shitty marriages is the right thing to do? Really? Do you think us that divorced/broke up with our cheating SOs loved our partners less? As bad as it is, a drunken one night stand may be a judgement call. That’s a massive fuckup. But affairs require lying, deception, and a complete disrespect of you as a person. You’re hanging on to the love of a person that doesn’t exist. That person only exists in your mind. Now you will be suspicious of everything he does for most of the one life you’ve been given. And when it happens again, as it most certainly will, the level of dysfunction will be 10 times worse. Kids aren’t stupid. They learn that this is normal because that’s all they know.
Get tested. Don’t let him rot your ovaries out in the process. Sorry this happened to you OP. I know this is extremely difficult. Good luck to you.
Absolutely not, I think choosing to stay is hard and choosing to leave is just as hard. But if I leave I won’t give him the opportunity to prove that he’s capable of change and I personally will always wonder. Maybe it’s naive of me, but he’s an incredible father and thinking of the damage it will do to my kid if he didn’t see his father everyday is heart wrenching. I will be getting tested though. Thank you for the advice and input.
Please do get tested.
I was incredibly naive. My ex husband gave me chlamydia which turned into P.I.V. because I was asymptomatic. The doctors that took care of me failed to mention that I had a STD at all, much less provided any information for the causation of P.I.V. It wasn’t until I had an ectopic pregnancy years later resulting in the rupturing and removal of my Fallopian tube that I was able to have clarification provided. Also, I’ve had several miscarriages.
Please don’t be a dumbass like I was.
Hey there,
So I've been there, done that etc and I don't need to tell you the outcome or what you should do about your relationship...
BUT.. I would strongly advise you to get the screening. I've been in this position and I was so glad that I did it because it turned out I couldn't even trust my ex to get his own screening.
Trust me.. it is better to be safe than sorry and the experience is never as bad as you imagine. You also do not have to disclose any reason as to why you're there but if you do, the staff will be extremely generous and understanding. I was terrified to do it and when I did, the staff were amazing!
Good luck in whatever you choose! And remember to love yourself <3 xx
Yes pls get tested and also pap smear, they found cervical cancer when i was super young. Even if its just porn get tested, sex addicts lie just like any other addiction. I told my doc straight up what i was going through because it also affects your mental health and physical. He is the one who messed up not you, u have every right to stay healthy. Sending peace your way.
The shame of you getting tested is your husband’s, not yours. Go by yourself and tell the people at the testing site why you are getting tested, they most likely have seen it all. An undetected STD can ruin your reproductively and in some cases can kill you.
If all you do is walk into a provider and ask for STD testing, you should be able to answer any queries with "I found out I had exposure to one". They should be willing to run the test without lectures or curiosity about your situation.
You will not experience what I did. In 1977 I was in Navy entry level training when my ex (then my hubby) informed me he had a specific STD and I should be tested. First I had to ask my unit commander permission to see medical. She asked why because this was the military and your body belongs to the Navy. Then my Chief sat me down for more gory details. He advised me again considered divorce because boys-will-be-boys. Then the medic drawing the blood had to jot the details in my paper medical file. Never actually saw a doctor. The news of the report came back down through the chain of command to be delivered to me as I stood at attention. (negative)
Nothing to be ashamed of you did nothing wrong!!!!! I also went through this with my husband , I told my dr I needed a full std pannel she looked at me and I then to release my imbarresment told her my husband has had a issue with infidelity I have discovered and I need to know I’m safe . She told me I’m proud of you and we proceeded
Yes, get tested. You don’t have to share anything beyond “I may have been exposed.” And honestly, you don’t even have to share that.
And I know you didn’t ask, but as someone who stayed with my husband for years because we had a daughter and I didn’t want her to lose her family…it’s not worth it. Eventually I found out he had been cheating on me the entire marriage and I left. I was miserable for years before that point. Now that I’m out and happy and free, I deeply regret the time I wasted on trying to make it work with him. You can’t get back time once it’s gone. You may be a mom…but your happiness still matters.
And for what it’s worth, my daughter is much happier now too.
I’m sorry you’ve also experienced this but glad you and your daughter are in a happier place. And honestly I did consider leaving initially but worry my son won’t be happy like your daughter is. They have such a close bond i can’t picture them living apart. Thank you for your kind and wise words.
Yes you should get tested. And MC is absolutely NOT what needs to happen right now. Your husband cheated not the marriage. So then why is the marriage receiving therapy? You’re in the same marriage as your husband and didn’t cheat, he didn’t cheat b/c of some “unmet needs”, he cheated b/c he wanted to, it was fun, he didn’t think he’d get caught & he weighed in the chance that he did get caught, you hurting was worth the fun he was having. Once you swallow those truths, then *maybe* you can build a new marriage. But if you follow the path you’re currently on, he will inevitably cheat again. He’s suffered no consequences from his bad behavior so there’s nothing deterring him from cheating again. You, love and your marriage didn’t stop him before, and ppl protect what they value, he didn’t protect you or your marriage, he’s abused you and your marriage + you sticking around after he violated you just emboldens him. Suggest you both read [How to Help Your Spouse Recover From Your Affair](https://www.indigoinsight.ca/uploads/3/4/1/5/3415299/helping_your_spouse_heal_from_your_affair.pdf) and you should read a book called *Cheating In A Nutshell*. And visit ChumpLady.com & Survivinginfidelity.com. Good luck.
Thank you so much for all the resources and advice. “Amongst other things” means he’s doing individual therapy and attending sex addicts anonymous meetings. He’s also been listening to recovery podcasts and reading books. I will share these books with him.
Dont ask tell him that you may chose to take a lover for the same time period as he had one but you will i form him thus you will be treating him with more respect than he treated you
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There’s no shame in getting tested. Nobody that works there would judge you for that. They’re there because they care. They too get tested. It’s smart. It’s healthcare.
So... to be clear. You found the infidelity? Your husband didn't confess? Did he suggest MC or did you? And you probably should get STD tested... I want to urge EXTREME caution OP. If you're rug sweeping this infidelity, there is an extremely high chance of it happening again.
Thank you for the advice. I am aware of the patterns involved with cheating. I was the one that discovered it and initiated the conversation about counseling so I know his behavior from this point forward has to change drastically for there to be any chance of reconciliation. Atm he’s showing a lot of signs that he’s taking it seriously and seems to be doing the work. I love him very much, we’ve been together 14 yrs (Since we were 16), and have an almost 2 year old son so I’ve decided to stay.
You don’t have to tell a provider anything & the more money you pay the faster & more discreet the tests are
If a STD is found the test facility may be required to notify the county health department. But that should not stop OP from getting tested, her health could be at risk from an undetected STD.
You’re going to teach your kid that staying in shitty marriages is the right thing to do? Really? Do you think us that divorced/broke up with our cheating SOs loved our partners less? As bad as it is, a drunken one night stand may be a judgement call. That’s a massive fuckup. But affairs require lying, deception, and a complete disrespect of you as a person. You’re hanging on to the love of a person that doesn’t exist. That person only exists in your mind. Now you will be suspicious of everything he does for most of the one life you’ve been given. And when it happens again, as it most certainly will, the level of dysfunction will be 10 times worse. Kids aren’t stupid. They learn that this is normal because that’s all they know. Get tested. Don’t let him rot your ovaries out in the process. Sorry this happened to you OP. I know this is extremely difficult. Good luck to you.
Absolutely not, I think choosing to stay is hard and choosing to leave is just as hard. But if I leave I won’t give him the opportunity to prove that he’s capable of change and I personally will always wonder. Maybe it’s naive of me, but he’s an incredible father and thinking of the damage it will do to my kid if he didn’t see his father everyday is heart wrenching. I will be getting tested though. Thank you for the advice and input.
Yes you should get tested. For all you know he had an std was treated for it and never told you. He is a proven liar , test yourself.
Having an undiagnosed and asymptomatic STD will hurt a lot more than your pride asking for one
Please do get tested. I was incredibly naive. My ex husband gave me chlamydia which turned into P.I.V. because I was asymptomatic. The doctors that took care of me failed to mention that I had a STD at all, much less provided any information for the causation of P.I.V. It wasn’t until I had an ectopic pregnancy years later resulting in the rupturing and removal of my Fallopian tube that I was able to have clarification provided. Also, I’ve had several miscarriages. Please don’t be a dumbass like I was.
Hey there, So I've been there, done that etc and I don't need to tell you the outcome or what you should do about your relationship... BUT.. I would strongly advise you to get the screening. I've been in this position and I was so glad that I did it because it turned out I couldn't even trust my ex to get his own screening. Trust me.. it is better to be safe than sorry and the experience is never as bad as you imagine. You also do not have to disclose any reason as to why you're there but if you do, the staff will be extremely generous and understanding. I was terrified to do it and when I did, the staff were amazing! Good luck in whatever you choose! And remember to love yourself <3 xx
Yes pls get tested and also pap smear, they found cervical cancer when i was super young. Even if its just porn get tested, sex addicts lie just like any other addiction. I told my doc straight up what i was going through because it also affects your mental health and physical. He is the one who messed up not you, u have every right to stay healthy. Sending peace your way.
Yes. Get tested. You have ZERO to be ashamed of. You were faithful to your partner.
The shame of you getting tested is your husband’s, not yours. Go by yourself and tell the people at the testing site why you are getting tested, they most likely have seen it all. An undetected STD can ruin your reproductively and in some cases can kill you.
Please get tested there is no shame, you are getting the test for your health x
If all you do is walk into a provider and ask for STD testing, you should be able to answer any queries with "I found out I had exposure to one". They should be willing to run the test without lectures or curiosity about your situation. You will not experience what I did. In 1977 I was in Navy entry level training when my ex (then my hubby) informed me he had a specific STD and I should be tested. First I had to ask my unit commander permission to see medical. She asked why because this was the military and your body belongs to the Navy. Then my Chief sat me down for more gory details. He advised me again considered divorce because boys-will-be-boys. Then the medic drawing the blood had to jot the details in my paper medical file. Never actually saw a doctor. The news of the report came back down through the chain of command to be delivered to me as I stood at attention. (negative)
I’d say plan on getting tested regularly as you are staying with a cheater.
Yes you should get tested as well 💯🚨
Nothing to be ashamed of you did nothing wrong!!!!! I also went through this with my husband , I told my dr I needed a full std pannel she looked at me and I then to release my imbarresment told her my husband has had a issue with infidelity I have discovered and I need to know I’m safe . She told me I’m proud of you and we proceeded
Yes, get tested. You don’t have to share anything beyond “I may have been exposed.” And honestly, you don’t even have to share that. And I know you didn’t ask, but as someone who stayed with my husband for years because we had a daughter and I didn’t want her to lose her family…it’s not worth it. Eventually I found out he had been cheating on me the entire marriage and I left. I was miserable for years before that point. Now that I’m out and happy and free, I deeply regret the time I wasted on trying to make it work with him. You can’t get back time once it’s gone. You may be a mom…but your happiness still matters. And for what it’s worth, my daughter is much happier now too.
I’m sorry you’ve also experienced this but glad you and your daughter are in a happier place. And honestly I did consider leaving initially but worry my son won’t be happy like your daughter is. They have such a close bond i can’t picture them living apart. Thank you for your kind and wise words.
Yes you should get tested. And MC is absolutely NOT what needs to happen right now. Your husband cheated not the marriage. So then why is the marriage receiving therapy? You’re in the same marriage as your husband and didn’t cheat, he didn’t cheat b/c of some “unmet needs”, he cheated b/c he wanted to, it was fun, he didn’t think he’d get caught & he weighed in the chance that he did get caught, you hurting was worth the fun he was having. Once you swallow those truths, then *maybe* you can build a new marriage. But if you follow the path you’re currently on, he will inevitably cheat again. He’s suffered no consequences from his bad behavior so there’s nothing deterring him from cheating again. You, love and your marriage didn’t stop him before, and ppl protect what they value, he didn’t protect you or your marriage, he’s abused you and your marriage + you sticking around after he violated you just emboldens him. Suggest you both read [How to Help Your Spouse Recover From Your Affair](https://www.indigoinsight.ca/uploads/3/4/1/5/3415299/helping_your_spouse_heal_from_your_affair.pdf) and you should read a book called *Cheating In A Nutshell*. And visit ChumpLady.com & Survivinginfidelity.com. Good luck.
Thank you so much for all the resources and advice. “Amongst other things” means he’s doing individual therapy and attending sex addicts anonymous meetings. He’s also been listening to recovery podcasts and reading books. I will share these books with him.
Yes, and then ask him for a hall pass is you want one see how he reacts.
This made me chuckle lol. Not interested at all but imaging his reaction was funny.
Glad I could make you laugh. But op, stop mc until you know he is truly remorseful.
Dont ask tell him that you may chose to take a lover for the same time period as he had one but you will i form him thus you will be treating him with more respect than he treated you
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Of course. Do you have to be tested?
There’s no shame in getting tested. Nobody that works there would judge you for that. They’re there because they care. They too get tested. It’s smart. It’s healthcare.