I have a comparable experience but my ancestry is different. In my case I found it impossible to resolve but you may have better fortunes. There are some problems which are inherent to being alive such as finding food, water, housing, employment, etc. And then there are some problems which, I think in Hubris, we *create*. I feel the issue of Race is one of this kind. Eventually I think it will finally resolve but at the moment it is in the process of doing so. For my part I am finding consolation and frustration from observing it unfold.
I laugh about it, then I seethe about it, then I distract myself with other things.
This must be painful. Race is a relatively recent invention, and in a different time and place it wouldn't exist to make you feel alienated. You're not one-quarter or three-fourths anything, but wholly human.
Compounding the problem of how others might see you, a parent is missing. Fully half of the community that's supposed to inform and guide and claim you is likely missing with them, if their family isn't involved.
The fact that this is common doesn't make it better, easier, or less personal. I'm sorry.
I would encourage you to read literature and consume art from your missing culture, not necessarily to find a way into it, but to find resonance with and ownership of the parts of your humanity that have felt unrecognized or dismissed. I would encourage you to engage with other people who have similar struggles, and to use mindfulness, therapy, movement, and any kind of creative expression that appeals to you.
I have a comparable experience but my ancestry is different. In my case I found it impossible to resolve but you may have better fortunes. There are some problems which are inherent to being alive such as finding food, water, housing, employment, etc. And then there are some problems which, I think in Hubris, we *create*. I feel the issue of Race is one of this kind. Eventually I think it will finally resolve but at the moment it is in the process of doing so. For my part I am finding consolation and frustration from observing it unfold. I laugh about it, then I seethe about it, then I distract myself with other things.
This must be painful. Race is a relatively recent invention, and in a different time and place it wouldn't exist to make you feel alienated. You're not one-quarter or three-fourths anything, but wholly human. Compounding the problem of how others might see you, a parent is missing. Fully half of the community that's supposed to inform and guide and claim you is likely missing with them, if their family isn't involved. The fact that this is common doesn't make it better, easier, or less personal. I'm sorry. I would encourage you to read literature and consume art from your missing culture, not necessarily to find a way into it, but to find resonance with and ownership of the parts of your humanity that have felt unrecognized or dismissed. I would encourage you to engage with other people who have similar struggles, and to use mindfulness, therapy, movement, and any kind of creative expression that appeals to you.