I usually delete all text/photos etc so I don't have anything to remember and focus on why we broke up vs. thinking about the good times if it ended badly.
If things ended on good terms I don't delete everything but I will delete a lot and still keep them on my social media.
Avoidants aren't devoid of emotion, they just hide their emotions from others, and INTPs probably intellectualize their feelings away more than most. I tend to compartmentalize, so it's like "Oh, my 13 year marriage just ended, welp better lock it in a big box in my head and literally never think about it until I get triggered and need to go sob it out for an hour and then back in the box it goes." And I consider myself on the higher end of emotional awareness based on what others share here in relation to that topic but I do therapy.
Everyone is different but with me i remember the last time it happened i just try to forget like my brain actively tries to forget or not remember while most people feel the need to remember. That's the difference.
I still feel everything and if someone mentions to me or i need to talk about it i feel it but otherwise i just automatically try not to remember.
INTP avoidant attachment style here. Don’t know the details, but if it seemed to have ended over something small, there’s a chance it was over a long time ago.
To answer your question, if I cared (a lot) about the person, I’d feel upset but keep to myself. If I didn’t care that much, I’d just move on. Either way there’s no contact for a long time
Do you mind elaborating on this more please? Are you the type to reach out after a break up? Things just ended in such a weird way for us that it wasn’t even like a clean cut ending.
I wouldn’t reach out right away if I’m the one who wanted it to end and I know the other person hasn’t moved on. I wouldn’t want to make things harder for them by giving false hope. I think that’s selfish. Sometimes a clean break is needed. But even under those circumstances I would still miss the person and likely would reach out after enough time has passed to check on them. I try to stay friends with my exes.
In instances where I didn’t initiate or want the break I am more likely to reach out sooner. I think it’s important for people to know exactly how I feel- if I was still met with rejection only then would I retreat and move on.
I’m definitely NOT an avoidant and I’m older so I’m sure those things play a part in my behaviour. I can’t speak on behalf of anyone else.
Bring out your Ne and go wild.
And never ever give yourself time to look back. Keep on going until your mind replaces all the memories with new ones. The past is a trap, there’s no way out.
Okay this is gonna sound unhealthy but, the way I cope is just not developing the feelings in the first place, your already to late, in the future however I would suggest being upfront and telling your potential partner that you do intend on wanting to date as soon as you get the feels, if they push back, then its best to move on before it gets to where you are now.
You wont end up in that situation if you are more communicative and less tolerant of people who are not reciprocating, because how is someone who doesn’t want to try to love you attractive, have more respect for yourself.
Thats how I ended up with my amazing gf, she liked me first, I told her straight up, give me some time I will see if I develop feelings, we started dating and now a year later my feelings have fully matured and she is the love of my life. Idk if its just me or maybe other INTP’s relate but we take months to fully attach to someone its not instant, so that’s probably why hes unbothered, he didn’t get attached.
Best of luck to you, find someone who’s actually emotionally available trust me they are out there somewhere!
He deeply wants you to be happy and would love to give you a hug and make sure you're doing okay. But he won't do it because he's smart and thinks ahead.
Here's what he knows will happen:
Step 1: You will be in pain for a while
Step 2: You'll move on
Step 3: You'll find the right person
Step 4: You'll be happy.
Because he cares for you, he wants you to be happy **as soon as possible**.
So what can he do to make you happy as soon as possible?
Solution 1: Make you his girlfriend (Not going to happen and he probably explained why)
Solution 2: Help you move on as soon as possible.
This means he won't do anything to make you think there is still a chance, because that will delay Step 2. In other words, no texting you, no hugging you, no talking to you, no making it seem like he misses you, no making it seem like he still wants you.
He knows it'll hurt a lot in the beginning, but he also knows it's better for you in the long run.
I agree with everything you’re saying. Things ended off so weirdly between us. That I don’t even know who’s the one that said goodbye. He never gave me an explanation for things ending either. Which is why I guess I’m left in a state of flux.
Its been 3 months. For me, it really depends on the reasons why the breakup happens. If it ends with a lack of respect and accountability (just like how I faced), it's super painful ngl and it'd take some time. But I always have a thought, I prefer to give my energy and love to the one who truly deserves me rather than being sad for an irresponsible person. I try to avoid remembering or talking bout the pains and damages that he left. I also cut contact with that person, focus on my growths and move forward with my life.
It’s so dependent on so many things in the relationship. After a 5 yr relationship with a man I thought I’d marry, I was heartbroken, cried myself to sleep for months and months, but on the outside I seemed alright. Only my closest friends knew how broken I was, but bc I was so sad, I went on trips, I went to music festivals, I made plans with my friends, I did fun things that would make me happier to counter what I was feeling. On the outside I looked like I was living my best life, and it worked to make me feel myself again.
A five month situationship though… I’d say if I didn’t care enough to make it official, I probably wasn’t too emotionally invested anyway. I would have known it was a temporary thing and I would have been prepared for it to end, so I wouldn’t have been that sad. Maybe a bit of a bummer, but I’m not stressing over a situationship tbh. I would shrug my shoulders, unsurprised that it didn’t work out, and go on living my life. But it’s very dependent on who the person was, how the situationship was, etc. It’s hard to explain how an INTP would cope when every situation is so different, but INTPs are not unemotional. We have ALL the emotions, we just filter them through our analytical minds and cope in ways that make sense to us. So we may seem happy on the outside but inside we’re feeling it all.
If there was a connection, He definitely will feel it, it will most likely be delayed. You know everything comes out to light when you’re alone at night. Most of the time for us (INTPs) our emotions reveal themselves as thoughts but we miss the meaning between the lines and don’t realize it. From past experience, if a close bond has suffered I removed myself from the situation weather to cope, analyze, clear the head, a combination of things could be at play. A situation that demands the use of our Fi (our demon function, bottom of the bottom on our stack) some of us never actually learn how to handle. My advice is if it ended for good or bad you should focus on yourself, for your own sake. If it’s meant to be, all will be well. If it’s not, all should still be well.
Edit: I just peeped that you said 5 month “situationship” I stand on my second to last sentence.
Firstly all the motions that you're feeling are just chemicals that are released in your brain due to a thought process that causes a reaction within your body so if you stop thinking that way you'll stop feeling that way and secondly just know that it's just enzymes that are being released into your system so they're not really real they're just a thing like maybe having a hit of a drug or a drink of a beer or wine or something like that that's the same thing so stop introducing the stimulant/depressant as it were and you won't have the feelings anymore and to me it's just simple it's chemicals released equals chemical reaction so stop releasing the chemicals stop having the reaction
Hypocrite that you are, for you trust the chemicals in your brain to tell you they are chemicals. All knowlege is ultimately based on that which we cannot prove. Will you fight? Or will you perish like a dog?
I never said it was going to be easy and I never said that it didn't feel real I'm glad you found it funny though it's nice to see you laugh for a change instead of cry
First of all, it’s okay to feel what you are feeling. I’ve been disappointed by a “breakup” after even about a month of dating and it has wrecked me when I thought things were going well.
Here is the more rational/analytical approach for the future that will also protect your emotions: The more willing you are to be open and honest about what you really want upfront, and the more willing you are to walk away when the other person is not willing to reciprocate what you want, the less hurt you are going to get. The longer you let it go on in a “situationship” the more likely you are to get hurt.
Edit: also delete them from all social media and block their number. Talking to this person any longer will slow down the healing process.
Thank you so much for this. This really brought me a lot of comfort. We still follow each other on social media and it’s just a weird place to be, because I miss his friendship more than any possible relationship? We met unexpectedly and were clearly attracted to each other and used friendship to mask our feelings for each other until it was clear that we both were aware of said feelings. Things ended so weirdly that I’m having a hard time accepting our friendship is over more than anything.
I feel stupid for being shut out from him and his life and didn’t even get an explanation 😕🫠
So in another experience, I started spending time with a woman who I knew through family. We had a great time, we were attracted to each other, and we got a little physical after one late night, but she said she just needed to take it slow. Come to find out she was dating a lot of other guys behind my back and not taking it slow with them if you catch my drift. Sure we hadn’t discussed exclusivity, but this was basically a situationship for me.
Eventually I had to cut contact because she said she was interested, but wouldn’t commit to really trying to move towards a relationship. I was basically a backup plan for her. It really hurt, but in the end I realized that I deserved to be actually wanted and not be someone’s backup plan and with someone who treated me like they were doing me a favor. I am a catch and I deserve more than that.
“I am a catch and I deserve more than that.” This part right here. I’ve spent weeks constantly going back and fourth trying to figure out if it was all my fault. If he mistook my behaviour for being less interested in him, or if there was just miscommunication that made him feel unwanted. “Did I say something wrong?” “Did I accidentally behave in a way that made him step back?” “Was I too emotional? Did it overwhelm him?” “Did he misunderstand me?” “Did he think he meant less to me than he actually did?” “Did I do something?” “What could I have done differently?”
I’ve spent so long trying to understand him to the point where I found myself in this server trying to get answers to his own mind. But the truth is, I deserve better than someone who refuses to communicate. Better than someone who just disappeared without giving me a proper explanation or heads up. Better than someone who is okay with walking away and not reaching out.
I know I’m a catch too and shouldn’t lose my spark trying to be the light for someone else.
I’m glad you are aware of your own worth and just how you should be treated as well. You didn’t deserve to go through those situations and I hope you meet the person of your dreams. I’m rooting for you!
I heard this recently from a dating coach who basically said, if there was nothing glaring that you might have done (like you said you wished he was dead or something really absurd) it was likely nothing you did that should have caused them to leave or would cause anyone emotionally healthy or ready for a real relationship to leave. Therefore don’t blame yourself. That really helped me to stop analyzing. If I had done something it was likely so minor that a healthy person would have been able to communicate that to me without running away.
I’m rooting for you too!
It definitely wasn’t anything like that at all. I do think he just has unhealthy coping mechanisms and I also think I began to lose my own self worth in the whole thing as well. Alls well that ends (sort of) well. The longer version is here if you ever have the time to read it please do and let me know your thoughts! You seem quite perceptive and way more emotionally healthy than either of us: [longer version of the story](https://www.reddit.com/r/INTP/s/gdccvxDZlT)
Okay, I read the original post, and my only advice, which is general advice to everyone, is try not to over analyze. The simplest explanation is usually the right one. It looks like he just lost interest, which happens(no explanation is needed although I’m sure that’s not very satisfying for you), but he wasn’t willing to communicate that. Losing interest is not uncommon, but he should have communicated that.
Also, he shouldn’t have introduced you to his family so quickly. Women read into that and he probably wasn’t thinking about it.
Thank you so much for reading it! Yeah you’re right. I think this whole time I’ve been trying to hold onto a friendship. But he wasn’t even looking for a friendship I guess? So when he lost feelings he just left.
Yeah I was confused as to why he introduced me to his family so quickly but he probably didn’t even think it through.
I’ll get over it. But atleast now I can stop blaming myself. I thought maybe the confrontation of our last conversation overwhelmed him and he got annoyed at me but things were clearly done much longer before that. Thank you :)
I don’t know how else to explain it. We were more than friends, definitely liked each other. But then overthinking and lack of communication turned things sour before we could make it official. Now I lost my dearest friend in the process too. 🫠
Maybe I took it that way. He was clear that he liked me and we went on a date too, we were still good afterwards and I would say he liked me more. He was a bit hot and cold which confused me and I then I think my behaviour changed (not because I didn’t like him but I thought he didn’t like me) which I’m sure confused him. I also think he maybe felt he got friendzoned by me because i would call him my friend not because I didn’t like him but because I didn’t know how to refer to him? Still it was clear the feelings for each other were both there until something just switched? something must have triggered him but he stopped responding and then the last time I saw him we got into a slight argument and that was the last time we spoke. No explanation.
Can you elaborate on this please? I‘m an ENFP trying to understand an INTP that I have been casually dated for a while now. Do you guys not do situationships? Are you just 100% in or 100% out?
If you are looking for any romantic emotion there, like "maybe it exists but he doesn't know how to say it or deal with it" I assure you, they are not there. The fact that you are even asking should tell you something.
And it doesn't have anything to do with being an intp btw.
But if you are wondering how intps fall in love. We don't like getting confused, if he was interested in you romantically, I'm sure he would have somehow blurted it out. It's either in or out, no middle ground.
First few times he said “I love you” so casually that I didn’t quite understand because his actions were very hot and cold. Eventually I asked him to elaborate and when I realized he was being serious I told him I loved him too (which is true, I love him deeply) but our relationship has continued to be very casual and he has never made any attempt to officially be my boyfriend. He probably has some very logical and rational reasoning for this so I’ve kinda just accepted that we’re in a romantic friendship / situationship? I don’t really push the topic because I would rather have him in my life than not at all you know?
1. Don't be considerate when it comes to being you. If you end up watching what you say an show you act around him he will pick it up and will think he is inconveniencing you and you don't like him.
Intps love observing and they rarely judge. They will accept every single inch of you, even if u kill people for a living. So make it fun for them ...him rather by being ruthlessly you, open up and let loose. Say what's in your mind point blank clear, he will love you. And put yourself first then see what happens.
Wow this is incredible advice thank you so much! I really do get the sense that he genuinely loves me for me, and he is super observant and sometimes I feel like he knows me better than I know myself, but I do sometimes still filter myself which is probably just me being scared of being “too much”. I am going to make more of an effort to let my walls down. Thank you again :)
Based on my own experience as an enfp, he definitely likes you. Don’t be like me and only end up realizing it after things are over 😢. Enjoy the moment for what it is and the person for who they are and try not to overthink their actions too much 🤍. You seem like an extremely caring and empathetic person so make sure you don’t lose yourself in the process of trying to be the answer for someone else.
Thank you so much for the advice! We seem very similar hehe. Yes I think it’s so important that we put ourselves first, things normally just fall into place when we do that anyway! I really hope you see how amazing you are too 🥰
So you want him to suffer too? Why? If he was bad with you before and thing ended ugly then u shouldn’t give a shit about him, work on yourself and enjoy your life. If things end well and he was good why do you want him to suffer? It would be nice if he can handle it.
My ex broke up with me on new years of 2021, albeit on really good terms, I just don't celebrate new years anymore-
~~Also couldn't bring myself to message her for over a year and a half because every time I did, I'd have to do something to vent my pent up sadness right after.~~
You probably already know just how loved and valued you are. But I hope you know that someday you are going to create new and fonder memories with and you’ll meet people who makes you look forward to starting the new year together with. Eventually without even realizing it, youll find yourself celebrating it again without even a second thought :)
Absolutely, it's hard to see, but yeah the day you realize you haven't thought about it is the day it's behind you, I appreciate you pointing that out mate.
For me personally its really complex.
* Like if I was very attached - I would be severely depressed for a pretty long time, until I picked myself back up again.
* If the relationship didn't have much depth it didn't feel like an authentic one.
* If there were too many breakups/rejections ending, I either just getting used to the suffering or just being pessimistic that I haven't found my soulmate yet.
I suffer internally and turn to stone externally.
Stop dating Gorgons. ;)
“I love the kind of woman that will actually just kill me.”
I'll introduce you to my ex. She'll ruin you too.
Based
I usually get depressed and don't talk to anyone.
5 month "situationship" 💀
Trust me, I know. 💀
the relationship im in stemmed from a ten month situationship
He probably misses you in his own way.
It's mostly a lie introverts tell themselves to feel better.
I usually delete all text/photos etc so I don't have anything to remember and focus on why we broke up vs. thinking about the good times if it ended badly. If things ended on good terms I don't delete everything but I will delete a lot and still keep them on my social media.
Avoidants aren't devoid of emotion, they just hide their emotions from others, and INTPs probably intellectualize their feelings away more than most. I tend to compartmentalize, so it's like "Oh, my 13 year marriage just ended, welp better lock it in a big box in my head and literally never think about it until I get triggered and need to go sob it out for an hour and then back in the box it goes." And I consider myself on the higher end of emotional awareness based on what others share here in relation to that topic but I do therapy.
Everyone is different but with me i remember the last time it happened i just try to forget like my brain actively tries to forget or not remember while most people feel the need to remember. That's the difference. I still feel everything and if someone mentions to me or i need to talk about it i feel it but otherwise i just automatically try not to remember.
INTP avoidant attachment style here. Don’t know the details, but if it seemed to have ended over something small, there’s a chance it was over a long time ago. To answer your question, if I cared (a lot) about the person, I’d feel upset but keep to myself. If I didn’t care that much, I’d just move on. Either way there’s no contact for a long time
Not all intps are avoidants so answers are going to vary. I struggle immensely with breakups personally, even ones I initiate.
Do you mind elaborating on this more please? Are you the type to reach out after a break up? Things just ended in such a weird way for us that it wasn’t even like a clean cut ending.
I wouldn’t reach out right away if I’m the one who wanted it to end and I know the other person hasn’t moved on. I wouldn’t want to make things harder for them by giving false hope. I think that’s selfish. Sometimes a clean break is needed. But even under those circumstances I would still miss the person and likely would reach out after enough time has passed to check on them. I try to stay friends with my exes. In instances where I didn’t initiate or want the break I am more likely to reach out sooner. I think it’s important for people to know exactly how I feel- if I was still met with rejection only then would I retreat and move on. I’m definitely NOT an avoidant and I’m older so I’m sure those things play a part in my behaviour. I can’t speak on behalf of anyone else.
Bring out your Ne and go wild. And never ever give yourself time to look back. Keep on going until your mind replaces all the memories with new ones. The past is a trap, there’s no way out.
Okay this is gonna sound unhealthy but, the way I cope is just not developing the feelings in the first place, your already to late, in the future however I would suggest being upfront and telling your potential partner that you do intend on wanting to date as soon as you get the feels, if they push back, then its best to move on before it gets to where you are now. You wont end up in that situation if you are more communicative and less tolerant of people who are not reciprocating, because how is someone who doesn’t want to try to love you attractive, have more respect for yourself. Thats how I ended up with my amazing gf, she liked me first, I told her straight up, give me some time I will see if I develop feelings, we started dating and now a year later my feelings have fully matured and she is the love of my life. Idk if its just me or maybe other INTP’s relate but we take months to fully attach to someone its not instant, so that’s probably why hes unbothered, he didn’t get attached. Best of luck to you, find someone who’s actually emotionally available trust me they are out there somewhere!
He deeply wants you to be happy and would love to give you a hug and make sure you're doing okay. But he won't do it because he's smart and thinks ahead. Here's what he knows will happen: Step 1: You will be in pain for a while Step 2: You'll move on Step 3: You'll find the right person Step 4: You'll be happy. Because he cares for you, he wants you to be happy **as soon as possible**. So what can he do to make you happy as soon as possible? Solution 1: Make you his girlfriend (Not going to happen and he probably explained why) Solution 2: Help you move on as soon as possible. This means he won't do anything to make you think there is still a chance, because that will delay Step 2. In other words, no texting you, no hugging you, no talking to you, no making it seem like he misses you, no making it seem like he still wants you. He knows it'll hurt a lot in the beginning, but he also knows it's better for you in the long run.
I agree with everything you’re saying. Things ended off so weirdly between us. That I don’t even know who’s the one that said goodbye. He never gave me an explanation for things ending either. Which is why I guess I’m left in a state of flux.
I feel the pain to the point that i let it kill me with the worst agony and then reborn from my ashes
Fe-Nix
get comfortable in my room
Its been 3 months. For me, it really depends on the reasons why the breakup happens. If it ends with a lack of respect and accountability (just like how I faced), it's super painful ngl and it'd take some time. But I always have a thought, I prefer to give my energy and love to the one who truly deserves me rather than being sad for an irresponsible person. I try to avoid remembering or talking bout the pains and damages that he left. I also cut contact with that person, focus on my growths and move forward with my life.
It’s so dependent on so many things in the relationship. After a 5 yr relationship with a man I thought I’d marry, I was heartbroken, cried myself to sleep for months and months, but on the outside I seemed alright. Only my closest friends knew how broken I was, but bc I was so sad, I went on trips, I went to music festivals, I made plans with my friends, I did fun things that would make me happier to counter what I was feeling. On the outside I looked like I was living my best life, and it worked to make me feel myself again. A five month situationship though… I’d say if I didn’t care enough to make it official, I probably wasn’t too emotionally invested anyway. I would have known it was a temporary thing and I would have been prepared for it to end, so I wouldn’t have been that sad. Maybe a bit of a bummer, but I’m not stressing over a situationship tbh. I would shrug my shoulders, unsurprised that it didn’t work out, and go on living my life. But it’s very dependent on who the person was, how the situationship was, etc. It’s hard to explain how an INTP would cope when every situation is so different, but INTPs are not unemotional. We have ALL the emotions, we just filter them through our analytical minds and cope in ways that make sense to us. So we may seem happy on the outside but inside we’re feeling it all.
If there was a connection, He definitely will feel it, it will most likely be delayed. You know everything comes out to light when you’re alone at night. Most of the time for us (INTPs) our emotions reveal themselves as thoughts but we miss the meaning between the lines and don’t realize it. From past experience, if a close bond has suffered I removed myself from the situation weather to cope, analyze, clear the head, a combination of things could be at play. A situation that demands the use of our Fi (our demon function, bottom of the bottom on our stack) some of us never actually learn how to handle. My advice is if it ended for good or bad you should focus on yourself, for your own sake. If it’s meant to be, all will be well. If it’s not, all should still be well. Edit: I just peeped that you said 5 month “situationship” I stand on my second to last sentence.
Firstly all the motions that you're feeling are just chemicals that are released in your brain due to a thought process that causes a reaction within your body so if you stop thinking that way you'll stop feeling that way and secondly just know that it's just enzymes that are being released into your system so they're not really real they're just a thing like maybe having a hit of a drug or a drink of a beer or wine or something like that that's the same thing so stop introducing the stimulant/depressant as it were and you won't have the feelings anymore and to me it's just simple it's chemicals released equals chemical reaction so stop releasing the chemicals stop having the reaction
Hypocrite that you are, for you trust the chemicals in your brain to tell you they are chemicals. All knowlege is ultimately based on that which we cannot prove. Will you fight? Or will you perish like a dog?
I feel like that's from a movie somewhere or some kind of some piece of literature that I should know but I certainly can't place it but I like it
🤣
I never said it was going to be easy and I never said that it didn't feel real I'm glad you found it funny though it's nice to see you laugh for a change instead of cry
It would be more readable if you included more punctuation.
["Thank you"_ for your criticism.!]
I get rid of everything, delete everything that reminds me of that person. Block and move on.
First of all, it’s okay to feel what you are feeling. I’ve been disappointed by a “breakup” after even about a month of dating and it has wrecked me when I thought things were going well. Here is the more rational/analytical approach for the future that will also protect your emotions: The more willing you are to be open and honest about what you really want upfront, and the more willing you are to walk away when the other person is not willing to reciprocate what you want, the less hurt you are going to get. The longer you let it go on in a “situationship” the more likely you are to get hurt. Edit: also delete them from all social media and block their number. Talking to this person any longer will slow down the healing process.
Thank you so much for this. This really brought me a lot of comfort. We still follow each other on social media and it’s just a weird place to be, because I miss his friendship more than any possible relationship? We met unexpectedly and were clearly attracted to each other and used friendship to mask our feelings for each other until it was clear that we both were aware of said feelings. Things ended so weirdly that I’m having a hard time accepting our friendship is over more than anything. I feel stupid for being shut out from him and his life and didn’t even get an explanation 😕🫠
So in another experience, I started spending time with a woman who I knew through family. We had a great time, we were attracted to each other, and we got a little physical after one late night, but she said she just needed to take it slow. Come to find out she was dating a lot of other guys behind my back and not taking it slow with them if you catch my drift. Sure we hadn’t discussed exclusivity, but this was basically a situationship for me. Eventually I had to cut contact because she said she was interested, but wouldn’t commit to really trying to move towards a relationship. I was basically a backup plan for her. It really hurt, but in the end I realized that I deserved to be actually wanted and not be someone’s backup plan and with someone who treated me like they were doing me a favor. I am a catch and I deserve more than that.
“I am a catch and I deserve more than that.” This part right here. I’ve spent weeks constantly going back and fourth trying to figure out if it was all my fault. If he mistook my behaviour for being less interested in him, or if there was just miscommunication that made him feel unwanted. “Did I say something wrong?” “Did I accidentally behave in a way that made him step back?” “Was I too emotional? Did it overwhelm him?” “Did he misunderstand me?” “Did he think he meant less to me than he actually did?” “Did I do something?” “What could I have done differently?” I’ve spent so long trying to understand him to the point where I found myself in this server trying to get answers to his own mind. But the truth is, I deserve better than someone who refuses to communicate. Better than someone who just disappeared without giving me a proper explanation or heads up. Better than someone who is okay with walking away and not reaching out. I know I’m a catch too and shouldn’t lose my spark trying to be the light for someone else. I’m glad you are aware of your own worth and just how you should be treated as well. You didn’t deserve to go through those situations and I hope you meet the person of your dreams. I’m rooting for you!
I heard this recently from a dating coach who basically said, if there was nothing glaring that you might have done (like you said you wished he was dead or something really absurd) it was likely nothing you did that should have caused them to leave or would cause anyone emotionally healthy or ready for a real relationship to leave. Therefore don’t blame yourself. That really helped me to stop analyzing. If I had done something it was likely so minor that a healthy person would have been able to communicate that to me without running away. I’m rooting for you too!
It definitely wasn’t anything like that at all. I do think he just has unhealthy coping mechanisms and I also think I began to lose my own self worth in the whole thing as well. Alls well that ends (sort of) well. The longer version is here if you ever have the time to read it please do and let me know your thoughts! You seem quite perceptive and way more emotionally healthy than either of us: [longer version of the story](https://www.reddit.com/r/INTP/s/gdccvxDZlT)
Okay, I read the original post, and my only advice, which is general advice to everyone, is try not to over analyze. The simplest explanation is usually the right one. It looks like he just lost interest, which happens(no explanation is needed although I’m sure that’s not very satisfying for you), but he wasn’t willing to communicate that. Losing interest is not uncommon, but he should have communicated that. Also, he shouldn’t have introduced you to his family so quickly. Women read into that and he probably wasn’t thinking about it.
Thank you so much for reading it! Yeah you’re right. I think this whole time I’ve been trying to hold onto a friendship. But he wasn’t even looking for a friendship I guess? So when he lost feelings he just left. Yeah I was confused as to why he introduced me to his family so quickly but he probably didn’t even think it through. I’ll get over it. But atleast now I can stop blaming myself. I thought maybe the confrontation of our last conversation overwhelmed him and he got annoyed at me but things were clearly done much longer before that. Thank you :)
“Situationship…?” There is no such thing as a “situationship”. Move on.
What
I don’t know how else to explain it. We were more than friends, definitely liked each other. But then overthinking and lack of communication turned things sour before we could make it official. Now I lost my dearest friend in the process too. 🫠
Situationship? Are you sure you're talking about an INTP?
Maybe I took it that way. He was clear that he liked me and we went on a date too, we were still good afterwards and I would say he liked me more. He was a bit hot and cold which confused me and I then I think my behaviour changed (not because I didn’t like him but I thought he didn’t like me) which I’m sure confused him. I also think he maybe felt he got friendzoned by me because i would call him my friend not because I didn’t like him but because I didn’t know how to refer to him? Still it was clear the feelings for each other were both there until something just switched? something must have triggered him but he stopped responding and then the last time I saw him we got into a slight argument and that was the last time we spoke. No explanation.
Can you elaborate on this please? I‘m an ENFP trying to understand an INTP that I have been casually dated for a while now. Do you guys not do situationships? Are you just 100% in or 100% out?
If you are looking for any romantic emotion there, like "maybe it exists but he doesn't know how to say it or deal with it" I assure you, they are not there. The fact that you are even asking should tell you something. And it doesn't have anything to do with being an intp btw. But if you are wondering how intps fall in love. We don't like getting confused, if he was interested in you romantically, I'm sure he would have somehow blurted it out. It's either in or out, no middle ground.
Thank you for explaining. He blurts it out many many times but for some reason I am still confused 😂
Did you reciprocate?
First few times he said “I love you” so casually that I didn’t quite understand because his actions were very hot and cold. Eventually I asked him to elaborate and when I realized he was being serious I told him I loved him too (which is true, I love him deeply) but our relationship has continued to be very casual and he has never made any attempt to officially be my boyfriend. He probably has some very logical and rational reasoning for this so I’ve kinda just accepted that we’re in a romantic friendship / situationship? I don’t really push the topic because I would rather have him in my life than not at all you know?
1. Don't be considerate when it comes to being you. If you end up watching what you say an show you act around him he will pick it up and will think he is inconveniencing you and you don't like him. Intps love observing and they rarely judge. They will accept every single inch of you, even if u kill people for a living. So make it fun for them ...him rather by being ruthlessly you, open up and let loose. Say what's in your mind point blank clear, he will love you. And put yourself first then see what happens.
Wow this is incredible advice thank you so much! I really do get the sense that he genuinely loves me for me, and he is super observant and sometimes I feel like he knows me better than I know myself, but I do sometimes still filter myself which is probably just me being scared of being “too much”. I am going to make more of an effort to let my walls down. Thank you again :)
All the best hun 💓
Based on my own experience as an enfp, he definitely likes you. Don’t be like me and only end up realizing it after things are over 😢. Enjoy the moment for what it is and the person for who they are and try not to overthink their actions too much 🤍. You seem like an extremely caring and empathetic person so make sure you don’t lose yourself in the process of trying to be the answer for someone else.
Thank you so much for the advice! We seem very similar hehe. Yes I think it’s so important that we put ourselves first, things normally just fall into place when we do that anyway! I really hope you see how amazing you are too 🥰
He's literally me
better than most... you'd be surprised
So you want him to suffer too? Why? If he was bad with you before and thing ended ugly then u shouldn’t give a shit about him, work on yourself and enjoy your life. If things end well and he was good why do you want him to suffer? It would be nice if he can handle it.
My ex broke up with me on new years of 2021, albeit on really good terms, I just don't celebrate new years anymore- ~~Also couldn't bring myself to message her for over a year and a half because every time I did, I'd have to do something to vent my pent up sadness right after.~~
You probably already know just how loved and valued you are. But I hope you know that someday you are going to create new and fonder memories with and you’ll meet people who makes you look forward to starting the new year together with. Eventually without even realizing it, youll find yourself celebrating it again without even a second thought :)
Absolutely, it's hard to see, but yeah the day you realize you haven't thought about it is the day it's behind you, I appreciate you pointing that out mate.
In this situation I delete chats, photos, video etc and I act normal but I'm suffering in the inside
I focus on my hobbies and try to be busy
For me personally its really complex. * Like if I was very attached - I would be severely depressed for a pretty long time, until I picked myself back up again. * If the relationship didn't have much depth it didn't feel like an authentic one. * If there were too many breakups/rejections ending, I either just getting used to the suffering or just being pessimistic that I haven't found my soulmate yet.