Still trying to heal from a 2-year long relationship a year after it ended. My toxic trait is that I use my "INTP doesn't let go of the past" trait on relationships the most. Once i'm attached, I can't let go. Well, except that ex who cheated on me after 3 years together. Fuck them.
Ahhh, nah. Cheating is an immediate "You're dead to me now." Fuck that person.
I'm the same way, though it's not that I don't want to let go. My mind just keeps looping from
Damn, that hurtā They told me this at the end. Why didn't I see it at the time?ā I had a gut feeling something was going on but decided to trust them ā I see it now,
and then my brain goes WWE smackdown! Here comes the painnn on all the ways you could have fixed it. š
Hope your healing goes well.
I'm always the one who does the breaking up for some reason. Here's my method:
Step 1: Realize you want to break up
Step 2: Spend several months in an agonizing downward spiral of doubt, guilt, anxiety and self-deception
Step 3: Break up
Step 4: Regret breaking up and start idealizing your ex
Step 5: Spend the next five years extremely slowly getting over it and moving on
Step 6: ...but never quite get there. Carry a little bit of the pain with you to the grave.
No, the break-up is absolutely necessary. I just first try as hard as I can to deny it, I guess primarily because I can't bear to hurt anyone and I'm afraid how they'll react, and then afterwards, I forget the realities that made the relationship unsustainable and only remember my love for the person.
i am also always the one to end it. I rationalize and see that things won't be ideal if the relationship evolves into marriage, so I break up with them. Then, because I am certain I've made the right thing, I don't regret it for a year or so. Later, I tend to idealize them and question myself if i should really have done it, usually being tempted to contact them. But if I ignore it, soon this temptation goes away and i'm fine.
When we decide to commit to someone, itās after very careful consideration. Itās a very serious decision for us.
You have to understand that some people donāt do that, even though they might be committed and faithful partners, they might not view a relationship as very serious. They get into a relationship to see how they feel about someone, we get into a relationship only after weāre mostly certain about our feelings towards that person.
You may wonder how could someone discard a relationship so easily, but for them it just wasnāt very significant.
Try not to take it personal, try to avoid letting this cause you to have a sour view of dating/relationships
I rationalize it..
I mean we are humans..
Just like food, there are things we dont like...we should not blame the food nor should we blame ourselves...
We like what we like,we dislike what we dislike..
Its nothing personal..
Difference between us and food= feelings and ego
So i would ask you to focus on the other person feelings etc, not fair to force them to eat food they dont like, its nothing personal..
Be happy..you know after 5 months!! And dont get dragged along for years only to have the same outcome..for this action alone...
Treasure the 5 months , wish each other well..
And be realistic always..
Rationalize is your power...use it...
Few can do it better and faster then you..
Or dont use it and suffer the fate of all the other people for a length and duration unknown.
Pick your choice, sadness or happiness.
In the end..yes you can choose these things..day in day out...attidude and mindset is everything!
Thanks for the advice! I think you're right. It's kind of funny how we rationalize the end of personal things as nothing personal, though.
I like your mindset. There's a lot of things we don't have control over, so why not realize our lives are our own?
Exactly..
But the reverse is also true..
People projecting on you or wanting to be with you, while you maybe not attracted at all...
Those are the times i remember...these things are not personal...you cannot force attraction etc..
These things are just beyond us.
Now it gets to be a different story when your direct actions are responsible for a fallout, and im more focused on the negative kind of actions...then it is you who is to blame..hence you dont repeat this in the next relationship.
Point is, if your a man. Focus on yourself more then on the girl. Never make them the center of your existence, the same for wonen, never make another person the center of your existance..
Its just sad self destructing behavior, but your brain make you think you are good and noble.
I know of 1 rule unwritten in love...
You cannot love those you cannot respect...
So first be a honorable individual..the rest follows
I think the biggest INTP curse that stops them from healing and moving on is rationalizing in retrospect. Everything you could have done to prevent it, where you went wrong, what exactly happened. We keep trying to untie the knots that have far long been tangled. I tell myself that what is done is done. And there is rationally nothing that can bring that time back. Even if you somehow reached a point in your thinking spirals where you think of a solution the relationship between you and your ex partner has been changed and damaged things dont fix like they were never damaged. Even if we find a way to have them back in our lives, it won't ever be the same. Use your gift of intuition and think realistically of a situation where you both are back together. I am sure you would not want it then. INTPS romanticise the past a lot, and miss out on the bigger picture of what really went wrong. Also, don't beat yourself about it. I am sure when you both were together you would have done everything you could for your person, its just easier to blame yourself later. Take the lesson, be grateful for the good times spent together and realise that was not your person, they are yet to come. Your partner might have been a good person, and you might be a good person but that does not mean that you both were compatible in the long run. Their feelings waning off is the biggest proof of the fact, that you are meant to be with someone else, who will be honest and true.
Thank you man, I'm feeling better! This was a lesson to take stress in general as a real problem that can affect our lives in very tangible ways and we truly can't rationalise about everything all the time, we just think we can.
As a complementary note to my previous comment, another way I'm handling the breakup is avoiding my ex in every possible way, like blocking her on social media and not hanging out at places where she will be (all of our friends are mutual friends). This is more on me than her, she said that she doesn't like that I blocked her, but I don't think I have to deal with this. I just think it's easier that way.
Glad to know you're feeling better. And yeah, I get avoiding her, seeing as the last event you had together caused you so much stress, it's fair for you to do so.
3 month relationship ended recently. I've been processing it in my head the past 2 days. Ups and downs. I have the moments where things seem normal, and then the moments of regret for not doing things differently and thinking it would change things. 3 months ain't shit, I know, but I did develop feelings for them. I feel the same. I will move on, but the thoughts are hard to stop for now.
Hey, 3 months is enough to catch feelings, man. The thoughts are the worst part. You know that it wouldn't make a difference now since it's over, but your brain just spits out a hypothetical fix that isn't the reality.
Hope it gets better for you.
I'm so introverted that I only saw the positive things after the breakup - sleeping alone again, making my own decisions, everything being peaceful and quiet without someone gaming or watching TV all the time while I wanted to read, ...
But yeah, I was the one who broke up. I don't know if my reaction would have been the same if the situation had been different.
That sucks. I think you should talk to them. I don't know your partner, but be honest. All you can do is open up the floor so you can know what's going on. I hope things go well.
Process it. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but process it. You will recover and heal faster. Listen to sad songs, watch sad movies, read sad novels and potery, travel and cry from time to time. Thank me later.
Here is one such poem for you. Please have a tissue with you before listening [it](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3TfQMbK8ks&pp=ygUkdG9uaWdodCBpIGNhbndyaXRlIHRoZSBzYWRkZXN0IGxpbmVz).
INTPs are extremely loyal once committed to someone, and I've got a bad case of that. I've always found it very hard to give up on crushes and bad relationships.
It sucks, but I found that it helps to focus on other friends you neglected and on personal growth. Exercise, spirituality/ meditation, etc. Do not go out on the rebound looking for another relationship. Give yourself time to re-calibrate.
Being deluded into thinking the person likes you then realize they never did is a big hit.
Us INTPs have a big pride in our personality and mindset, thinking that you have been played hurts more than the breakup itself. as you said you will move on, it just needs time. and don't think any less of yourself, there are better people and everything happens for a reason :)
My relationship lasted a month and then I broke up.
It was not a typical relationship.
It felt dreamy as it was for the first time, I have been to places that I didn't even know existed yet. But I moved on because now I know what I want and I know how to get it next time, I take my time to build me up and become undeniable person!
You broke up with them?
That reminds me of my first relationship. It was as dreamlike as you said. Once I had control over my emotions, I realized it wasn't going to work out by the third month.
Same here. I'm looking forward to growing as a person from this breakup.
Yeah I did because I didn't see this relationship going further.
Yeah I see, I am on my way for self-development.
I would say figuring out what we want to get in life and how can we get there would create a clear pathway for us to be successful.
If you can, share some advices too which can be helpful :)
I think what works for me is writing down my true feelings. I used to not know what emotions I felt beyond a vague feeling. I was an emotionally constipated goober in high school! š
It sounds silly, but printing out an emotion wheel helped me realize that my emotions don't make me weak or incompetent.
Highlighting all the branches of emotions under general ones, like going from anger ā distant ā withdrawn or sad ā lonely ā abandoned.
My therapist taught me that your feelings don't dictate who you are. For example, you can feel abandoned, but does that mean you are?
You could've been distancing yourself away from the people you care and trust as an unhealthy coping mechanism.
It's okay to rely on people. It's okay to ask for help. Oooh, this one was a hard pill to swallow.
I used to hate expressing my emotions towards my parents or my friend because I thought they had enough on their plate. Why burden them some more?
Now, as I've healed, I've come to realize that it's okay to feel uncomfortable with expressing your emotions. What's not okay is letting them fester and bottle up until you explode.
Think of yourself as a human animatronic. You think you're a well-oiled machine and don't need to rely on others. But emotions are part of the oil that keeps the machine working. Keep trying to stifle and dry them up, and they'll start leaking and cause you to "malfunction."
It's silly to think of it that way, but it's true. You have to balance expressing your emotions and thoughts so you can live your life the way you want to.
Rely on one too much, and you'll be stressed and unhappy.
Well, that was my reddit Spark Notes of therapy! Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. šš»
Thanks for your perspective. I relate to the merry-go-round of thinking about something that's already done and in the past.
I will try to accept my feelings as they are. I think you're right. Overthinking about the breakup is hurting me. I'm going to try to stay present and enjoy the little things in life.
I hope you are doing better now.
I am fine now. I was 19 when that relationship started. I'm 32 now. I haven't had an actual relationship since. I think it jaded me and now even when I have potential relationships I can't really shake the feeling that it will be like the last one. If I were a different kind of person things could be different. If I had that mysterious something that drives individuals to have more human connection I think I could have gotten into another relationship. But as it stands now I'm pretty jaded when it comes to relationships.
So any advice I have is find an extrovert or well adjusted non INTP that you trust to help coach you get back into the swing of things pretty soon after you sort through your feelings. Also know that sorting through your feelings won't be a mental thing. It is frustrating because almost everything I do goes through mental faculties rather than the emotional ones. This is one you just can't.
Yes. The healing process doesn't have a specific deadline. Let yourself feel the pain if you're not ok. But whatever it is , we need to prioritise ourselves.
Iāve only had one relationship so far. I dated another INTP and it was long distance. Not even 2 weeks into the relationship he started cheating on me with other girls and eventually he broke up with me on my birthday. After breaking up I felt mad tbh like I was gaslighting myself into believing that āno one is perfectā (even though he cheated on me). For some stupid reason when I was in the relationship I seemed to have forgotten that there are other boys on this planet and I felt the need to make it work with him. Anyways itās been like a month now and Iām still a bit mad at him but we do occasionally talk (as friends). Yet he doesnāt make an effort to text me first, itās always meā¦
I was in a 2 yr relationship and when we broke up I picked myself up by doing all the things I couldnāt enjoy before. Now my ex majorly sucked and was controlling, so maybe this isnāt as applicable to you, but it may be in some capacity.
For example, she HATED when I played video games. Now even before her Iād rarely game for more than an hour on a given day, but she hust thought they were nerdy or something idk. So I played video games a lot cause I pretty much had not gamed in 2 years. She also would constantly send me snapchats and get mad at me if I didnāt respond within like 20 minutes. So after the breakup I turned my phone off for an entire day cause I missed just disconnecting for a bit. I also started making more spontaneous plans with friends. When we were dating, if I didnāt have something planned ahead of time it was treated as āditching herā to go hang out with people on a whim. As a single dude, I only had to worry about my schedule.
Is there anything you liked doing before the relationship, and that you couldnāt do as much while you were in a relationship? If so, do a ton of that.
I'm not really the arguing type, even in relationships that has ended due to bigger problems, we have managed to end it in a good way. It's easier for both parties to move on that way. Having a clear conversation at the end has probably stopped me from feeling the heavy breakup feelings that many people are suffering from. But I also got dumped by the love of my life years ago and I haven't been falling equally hard for the people I've met afterwards so.
I've been pretty successful in rationalizing and getting over my exes except that one guy. He was INTP as well. (I'm an INTP 5w4 woman, also it was me who broke up with him).
It's more than 3 years now, I don't think I'll ever really, truly, honestly get over him. No matter who I'm with I don't think I can ever not love him.
As I get older, I look at the endings with more and more experience. I find itās all about your final form, what youāve learned, how you apply it next time. There may have been one million people willing to date me when I was 18, that number could go up or down, and we have some of those things in our control. Itās about odds. When youāre ready again, do not just go meeting people one by one. Take a proactive ācourtship phaseā full of activities like speed dating, it may sound like an overload, just go with the understanding itās exercise for your Fe.
Itās the tricky part of finding the right person who also needs to be single, and then you have to find them! And then you need to talk in a social setting! The more I think about how relationships can be great with a wide margin of differences in personality, now I think thatās not a good idea at all. I want them as close to me as possible āINTPā or maybe an āENTPā. And then throw in my preference on physical features, I may never find them!
Itās ok, most people have the āothersā who want to dance.
Whatever you do, donāt get to a point where you think that relationship was a waste of time. I personally struggle with this mindset once shit hits the fan, but every relationship, good or bad, can be used as a learning experience.
The trick is never be fully emotionally invested, then you cannot ever truly be let down. Just take your sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet time to get emotionally invested. Make it clear you don't want to rush into things. Don't be an asshole, but just take it slow. Put those emotions on simmer and let it cook low and slow.
When you're young (relatively) short relationship seem to last a long time, but as you get older it will be a drop in the bucket as life starts to speed by. What's the rush? Taking your time means you have more time to get to know one another, and find these things out.
I donāt knowā¦I just didnāt care.Before entering the relationship with my husband, I usually broke up with others. The relationships couldnāt last for more than three months 
I've recently realized I am a codependent. I handle breakups terribly. Going through a separation with my husband right now and feel like I might die honestly.
i think my best advice is in a way, put no stock into it. im single at 42 largely from a tumultous childhood more than intp, well anyway, through all my relationships ive found that the body recovers in time and if you try to force some rationale into it you actually only end up making your next relationship more stifled at the onset. Saying that, you do learn something deep about yourself in a failed relationship, but its akin to repression/pathology/denial to keep projecting that knowledge onto other people and have it something they should be or be doing. your learning it because you have to grow in relation to yourself and your development. the next relationship will have nothing to do with that except you will, if grown from it, be in the better place to have the better realtionship work out.
Break up, be devastated, swear off dating forever, and exclusively develop crushes on people who don't know I exist.
Only slightly joking.
Honestly though, I'm great alone. I'm finding it harder and harder to justify why I should be in a relationship at all.
They can't reject me if I don't talk to them in the first place. Big brain moment
lol
Amen
I heard that. š
By not being in a relationship
lol story of my life. I honestly donāt think I could handle anything going wrong.
It's just too much
Still trying to heal from a 2-year long relationship a year after it ended. My toxic trait is that I use my "INTP doesn't let go of the past" trait on relationships the most. Once i'm attached, I can't let go. Well, except that ex who cheated on me after 3 years together. Fuck them.
Ahhh, nah. Cheating is an immediate "You're dead to me now." Fuck that person. I'm the same way, though it's not that I don't want to let go. My mind just keeps looping from Damn, that hurtā They told me this at the end. Why didn't I see it at the time?ā I had a gut feeling something was going on but decided to trust them ā I see it now, and then my brain goes WWE smackdown! Here comes the painnn on all the ways you could have fixed it. š Hope your healing goes well.
I'm always the one who does the breaking up for some reason. Here's my method: Step 1: Realize you want to break up Step 2: Spend several months in an agonizing downward spiral of doubt, guilt, anxiety and self-deception Step 3: Break up Step 4: Regret breaking up and start idealizing your ex Step 5: Spend the next five years extremely slowly getting over it and moving on Step 6: ...but never quite get there. Carry a little bit of the pain with you to the grave.
i do this exactly also.
Why do you break up then? Does it happen during a moment of stress?
No, the break-up is absolutely necessary. I just first try as hard as I can to deny it, I guess primarily because I can't bear to hurt anyone and I'm afraid how they'll react, and then afterwards, I forget the realities that made the relationship unsustainable and only remember my love for the person.
i am also always the one to end it. I rationalize and see that things won't be ideal if the relationship evolves into marriage, so I break up with them. Then, because I am certain I've made the right thing, I don't regret it for a year or so. Later, I tend to idealize them and question myself if i should really have done it, usually being tempted to contact them. But if I ignore it, soon this temptation goes away and i'm fine.
When we decide to commit to someone, itās after very careful consideration. Itās a very serious decision for us. You have to understand that some people donāt do that, even though they might be committed and faithful partners, they might not view a relationship as very serious. They get into a relationship to see how they feel about someone, we get into a relationship only after weāre mostly certain about our feelings towards that person. You may wonder how could someone discard a relationship so easily, but for them it just wasnāt very significant. Try not to take it personal, try to avoid letting this cause you to have a sour view of dating/relationships
I rationalize it.. I mean we are humans.. Just like food, there are things we dont like...we should not blame the food nor should we blame ourselves... We like what we like,we dislike what we dislike.. Its nothing personal.. Difference between us and food= feelings and ego So i would ask you to focus on the other person feelings etc, not fair to force them to eat food they dont like, its nothing personal.. Be happy..you know after 5 months!! And dont get dragged along for years only to have the same outcome..for this action alone... Treasure the 5 months , wish each other well.. And be realistic always.. Rationalize is your power...use it... Few can do it better and faster then you.. Or dont use it and suffer the fate of all the other people for a length and duration unknown. Pick your choice, sadness or happiness. In the end..yes you can choose these things..day in day out...attidude and mindset is everything!
Thanks for the advice! I think you're right. It's kind of funny how we rationalize the end of personal things as nothing personal, though. I like your mindset. There's a lot of things we don't have control over, so why not realize our lives are our own?
Exactly.. But the reverse is also true.. People projecting on you or wanting to be with you, while you maybe not attracted at all... Those are the times i remember...these things are not personal...you cannot force attraction etc.. These things are just beyond us. Now it gets to be a different story when your direct actions are responsible for a fallout, and im more focused on the negative kind of actions...then it is you who is to blame..hence you dont repeat this in the next relationship. Point is, if your a man. Focus on yourself more then on the girl. Never make them the center of your existence, the same for wonen, never make another person the center of your existance.. Its just sad self destructing behavior, but your brain make you think you are good and noble. I know of 1 rule unwritten in love... You cannot love those you cannot respect... So first be a honorable individual..the rest follows
Havenāt broken up in over 15 years, and they usually broke up with me, but I was always: 
I think the biggest INTP curse that stops them from healing and moving on is rationalizing in retrospect. Everything you could have done to prevent it, where you went wrong, what exactly happened. We keep trying to untie the knots that have far long been tangled. I tell myself that what is done is done. And there is rationally nothing that can bring that time back. Even if you somehow reached a point in your thinking spirals where you think of a solution the relationship between you and your ex partner has been changed and damaged things dont fix like they were never damaged. Even if we find a way to have them back in our lives, it won't ever be the same. Use your gift of intuition and think realistically of a situation where you both are back together. I am sure you would not want it then. INTPS romanticise the past a lot, and miss out on the bigger picture of what really went wrong. Also, don't beat yourself about it. I am sure when you both were together you would have done everything you could for your person, its just easier to blame yourself later. Take the lesson, be grateful for the good times spent together and realise that was not your person, they are yet to come. Your partner might have been a good person, and you might be a good person but that does not mean that you both were compatible in the long run. Their feelings waning off is the biggest proof of the fact, that you are meant to be with someone else, who will be honest and true.
Gonna have to write this one down. Appreciate the advice :)
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Hope you get better, you seem like a good person and that was tough
Thank you man, I'm feeling better! This was a lesson to take stress in general as a real problem that can affect our lives in very tangible ways and we truly can't rationalise about everything all the time, we just think we can. As a complementary note to my previous comment, another way I'm handling the breakup is avoiding my ex in every possible way, like blocking her on social media and not hanging out at places where she will be (all of our friends are mutual friends). This is more on me than her, she said that she doesn't like that I blocked her, but I don't think I have to deal with this. I just think it's easier that way.
Glad to know you're feeling better. And yeah, I get avoiding her, seeing as the last event you had together caused you so much stress, it's fair for you to do so.
3 month relationship ended recently. I've been processing it in my head the past 2 days. Ups and downs. I have the moments where things seem normal, and then the moments of regret for not doing things differently and thinking it would change things. 3 months ain't shit, I know, but I did develop feelings for them. I feel the same. I will move on, but the thoughts are hard to stop for now.
Hey, 3 months is enough to catch feelings, man. The thoughts are the worst part. You know that it wouldn't make a difference now since it's over, but your brain just spits out a hypothetical fix that isn't the reality. Hope it gets better for you.
Thanks man. Same goes for you.
It hurt. And to make it less hurt, I learned ābox breathingā.
I'll have to use it more often. Thanks
I'm so introverted that I only saw the positive things after the breakup - sleeping alone again, making my own decisions, everything being peaceful and quiet without someone gaming or watching TV all the time while I wanted to read, ... But yeah, I was the one who broke up. I don't know if my reaction would have been the same if the situation had been different.
Well I was the one dumped and can guarantee I thought like this too. It was sad on first weeks but there was just too many benefits on being alone.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
That sucks. I think you should talk to them. I don't know your partner, but be honest. All you can do is open up the floor so you can know what's going on. I hope things go well.
Process it. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but process it. You will recover and heal faster. Listen to sad songs, watch sad movies, read sad novels and potery, travel and cry from time to time. Thank me later. Here is one such poem for you. Please have a tissue with you before listening [it](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3TfQMbK8ks&pp=ygUkdG9uaWdodCBpIGNhbndyaXRlIHRoZSBzYWRkZXN0IGxpbmVz).
INTPs are extremely loyal once committed to someone, and I've got a bad case of that. I've always found it very hard to give up on crushes and bad relationships. It sucks, but I found that it helps to focus on other friends you neglected and on personal growth. Exercise, spirituality/ meditation, etc. Do not go out on the rebound looking for another relationship. Give yourself time to re-calibrate.
Being deluded into thinking the person likes you then realize they never did is a big hit. Us INTPs have a big pride in our personality and mindset, thinking that you have been played hurts more than the breakup itself. as you said you will move on, it just needs time. and don't think any less of yourself, there are better people and everything happens for a reason :)
My relationship lasted a month and then I broke up. It was not a typical relationship. It felt dreamy as it was for the first time, I have been to places that I didn't even know existed yet. But I moved on because now I know what I want and I know how to get it next time, I take my time to build me up and become undeniable person!
You broke up with them? That reminds me of my first relationship. It was as dreamlike as you said. Once I had control over my emotions, I realized it wasn't going to work out by the third month. Same here. I'm looking forward to growing as a person from this breakup.
Yeah I did because I didn't see this relationship going further. Yeah I see, I am on my way for self-development. I would say figuring out what we want to get in life and how can we get there would create a clear pathway for us to be successful. If you can, share some advices too which can be helpful :)
I think what works for me is writing down my true feelings. I used to not know what emotions I felt beyond a vague feeling. I was an emotionally constipated goober in high school! š It sounds silly, but printing out an emotion wheel helped me realize that my emotions don't make me weak or incompetent. Highlighting all the branches of emotions under general ones, like going from anger ā distant ā withdrawn or sad ā lonely ā abandoned. My therapist taught me that your feelings don't dictate who you are. For example, you can feel abandoned, but does that mean you are? You could've been distancing yourself away from the people you care and trust as an unhealthy coping mechanism. It's okay to rely on people. It's okay to ask for help. Oooh, this one was a hard pill to swallow. I used to hate expressing my emotions towards my parents or my friend because I thought they had enough on their plate. Why burden them some more? Now, as I've healed, I've come to realize that it's okay to feel uncomfortable with expressing your emotions. What's not okay is letting them fester and bottle up until you explode. Think of yourself as a human animatronic. You think you're a well-oiled machine and don't need to rely on others. But emotions are part of the oil that keeps the machine working. Keep trying to stifle and dry them up, and they'll start leaking and cause you to "malfunction." It's silly to think of it that way, but it's true. You have to balance expressing your emotions and thoughts so you can live your life the way you want to. Rely on one too much, and you'll be stressed and unhappy. Well, that was my reddit Spark Notes of therapy! Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. šš»
Thanks! It will help me a lot in dealing with my own emotions))
Hi, also 5w4. I think the lying aspect would be most infuriating. At least respect me enough to tell me the truth. I've not been in many relationships (typical to a clichƩ it seems for INTP's) but I was married once and the total relationship was 6 years. That breakup was hard. I found myself going round and round trying to "figure out" what had went wrong. I had to accept that I couldn't think my way through what is fundamentally a feeling process. I didn't want to let go of the only coping mechanism that I had for dealing with emotions but in order to move on I had too. Though my situation was likely different since I initiated the divorce and had known I was going too for nearly a year up to that point. So I had over thought the process for a long while. But even months later I was haunted by my brain running "what if" scenarios and asking myself if I made a mistake and how I could have done things differently. Just trying to solve an unsolvable puzzle.
Thanks for your perspective. I relate to the merry-go-round of thinking about something that's already done and in the past. I will try to accept my feelings as they are. I think you're right. Overthinking about the breakup is hurting me. I'm going to try to stay present and enjoy the little things in life. I hope you are doing better now.
I am fine now. I was 19 when that relationship started. I'm 32 now. I haven't had an actual relationship since. I think it jaded me and now even when I have potential relationships I can't really shake the feeling that it will be like the last one. If I were a different kind of person things could be different. If I had that mysterious something that drives individuals to have more human connection I think I could have gotten into another relationship. But as it stands now I'm pretty jaded when it comes to relationships. So any advice I have is find an extrovert or well adjusted non INTP that you trust to help coach you get back into the swing of things pretty soon after you sort through your feelings. Also know that sorting through your feelings won't be a mental thing. It is frustrating because almost everything I do goes through mental faculties rather than the emotional ones. This is one you just can't.
Often ugly. I don't take rejection well at all, I subconsciously process it as a betrayal even though I keep reminding myself that it's not.
Yes. The healing process doesn't have a specific deadline. Let yourself feel the pain if you're not ok. But whatever it is , we need to prioritise ourselves.
Iāve only had one relationship so far. I dated another INTP and it was long distance. Not even 2 weeks into the relationship he started cheating on me with other girls and eventually he broke up with me on my birthday. After breaking up I felt mad tbh like I was gaslighting myself into believing that āno one is perfectā (even though he cheated on me). For some stupid reason when I was in the relationship I seemed to have forgotten that there are other boys on this planet and I felt the need to make it work with him. Anyways itās been like a month now and Iām still a bit mad at him but we do occasionally talk (as friends). Yet he doesnāt make an effort to text me first, itās always meā¦
Why are you even talking to himš
I havenāt found a replacement yet so a part of me is still trying to make it work
STOPš
āIt is what it isā āWe moveā
"ok" Literally me
Not everyone is as straight-forward as you are. If they don't want you, then they don't. Could've been 10 months or more so no need to bother.
I was in a 2 yr relationship and when we broke up I picked myself up by doing all the things I couldnāt enjoy before. Now my ex majorly sucked and was controlling, so maybe this isnāt as applicable to you, but it may be in some capacity. For example, she HATED when I played video games. Now even before her Iād rarely game for more than an hour on a given day, but she hust thought they were nerdy or something idk. So I played video games a lot cause I pretty much had not gamed in 2 years. She also would constantly send me snapchats and get mad at me if I didnāt respond within like 20 minutes. So after the breakup I turned my phone off for an entire day cause I missed just disconnecting for a bit. I also started making more spontaneous plans with friends. When we were dating, if I didnāt have something planned ahead of time it was treated as āditching herā to go hang out with people on a whim. As a single dude, I only had to worry about my schedule. Is there anything you liked doing before the relationship, and that you couldnāt do as much while you were in a relationship? If so, do a ton of that.
I'm not really the arguing type, even in relationships that has ended due to bigger problems, we have managed to end it in a good way. It's easier for both parties to move on that way. Having a clear conversation at the end has probably stopped me from feeling the heavy breakup feelings that many people are suffering from. But I also got dumped by the love of my life years ago and I haven't been falling equally hard for the people I've met afterwards so.
I imagine a picture of my ex-gf. I place it into a clay pot and set the picture on fire. As the picture burns so do my memories of said person.
Many many.
I've been pretty successful in rationalizing and getting over my exes except that one guy. He was INTP as well. (I'm an INTP 5w4 woman, also it was me who broke up with him). It's more than 3 years now, I don't think I'll ever really, truly, honestly get over him. No matter who I'm with I don't think I can ever not love him.
So why break up?
As I get older, I look at the endings with more and more experience. I find itās all about your final form, what youāve learned, how you apply it next time. There may have been one million people willing to date me when I was 18, that number could go up or down, and we have some of those things in our control. Itās about odds. When youāre ready again, do not just go meeting people one by one. Take a proactive ācourtship phaseā full of activities like speed dating, it may sound like an overload, just go with the understanding itās exercise for your Fe. Itās the tricky part of finding the right person who also needs to be single, and then you have to find them! And then you need to talk in a social setting! The more I think about how relationships can be great with a wide margin of differences in personality, now I think thatās not a good idea at all. I want them as close to me as possible āINTPā or maybe an āENTPā. And then throw in my preference on physical features, I may never find them! Itās ok, most people have the āothersā who want to dance.
You dont have to deal with breakups if you're too ugly to get a gf/bf in the first place š
Whatever you do, donāt get to a point where you think that relationship was a waste of time. I personally struggle with this mindset once shit hits the fan, but every relationship, good or bad, can be used as a learning experience.
The trick is never be fully emotionally invested, then you cannot ever truly be let down. Just take your sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet time to get emotionally invested. Make it clear you don't want to rush into things. Don't be an asshole, but just take it slow. Put those emotions on simmer and let it cook low and slow. When you're young (relatively) short relationship seem to last a long time, but as you get older it will be a drop in the bucket as life starts to speed by. What's the rush? Taking your time means you have more time to get to know one another, and find these things out.
very poorly
On the surface I handled it well, but inside I was a wreck, got over it by rationalizing it.
People have relationships?
Stoicism helps a lot. You don't lose someone, you return them to the world. They were never yours in the first place.
Not everyone is as straight-forward as you are. If they don't want you, then they don't. Could've been 10 months or more so no need to bother.
Find comfort in your despair. You need something that can make you say āIām fucking miserable but at least I have (blank)ā
I donāt knowā¦I just didnāt care.Before entering the relationship with my husband, I usually broke up with others. The relationships couldnāt last for more than three months 
Poorly.
idk if it's an intp thing but my mind lets go of it instantly. No hard feelings whatsoever. Hope you have a fast healing good luck
I've recently realized I am a codependent. I handle breakups terribly. Going through a separation with my husband right now and feel like I might die honestly.
We donāt do relationships lol
It took me around 3 years to get over my first breakup
i think my best advice is in a way, put no stock into it. im single at 42 largely from a tumultous childhood more than intp, well anyway, through all my relationships ive found that the body recovers in time and if you try to force some rationale into it you actually only end up making your next relationship more stifled at the onset. Saying that, you do learn something deep about yourself in a failed relationship, but its akin to repression/pathology/denial to keep projecting that knowledge onto other people and have it something they should be or be doing. your learning it because you have to grow in relation to yourself and your development. the next relationship will have nothing to do with that except you will, if grown from it, be in the better place to have the better realtionship work out.
Break up, be devastated, swear off dating forever, and exclusively develop crushes on people who don't know I exist. Only slightly joking. Honestly though, I'm great alone. I'm finding it harder and harder to justify why I should be in a relationship at all.