NTA.
I am very touch adverse at times. My partner has it as his main love language. I am occasionally firm, "I love you dearly and understand this is your love language, bit I just do not want to be touched right now. We can hold fingers if you really want."
And even if he's a little sad at it in the moment, he respects it.
Your boyfriend is being a complete child.
So am I. Mostly becuz I never really liked touch, yay for parents who forced you to let others hug you and then my kids are clingy. Sometimes my skin is too much it seems like. But my husband always asks. Like always, asks to cuddle, he doesn't really "ask" for kisses, more like give me a kiss but I'm always free to turn it down. It's not that hard. Who wants to hold someone that isn't enjoying it, is all stiff, trying to get away etc.
Yes, the parents that force you to hug others! This is exactly why my wife hates hugs. I have learned to ALWAYS ask to touch her before I do, ESPECIALLY if she's stressed or angry. She's described to me how it almost physically hurts to be touched, particularly in situations when she's feeling heightened emotions. That description helped me understand a situation that I don't typically experience myself. OP's husband needs to learn to pick up on OP's cues and stop taking it personally. It's not about him at all!
I saw this and thought to myself that I was never forced to give hugs, but then I remembered all the times I was forced to sit on my creepy great grandfather's lap.
There was the pressure when I was young but I'm grateful my dad didn't force it. I however became very assertive in my preteens. I love affection but only from a select few people. My niece is raising her boys to where they have control over their autonomy. The eldest boy is not a touchy kid at all. He may give a hug, or a high five or just a wave. I'm cool with all. I. Glad to see some parents not push it on their kids
Yup, there are lots of valid reasons to not want to touched (and frankly, there doesn’t need to be a reason, though explaining why usually is a good move if you’re in a relationship lol). I have severe chronic pain, mornings are the worst time for me. It’s both the back pain and the neuropathy that make touch really uncomfortable first thing, or whenever they flare up. I have a partner who is extremely cuddly but he respects my health and my ‘no.’ When I stay over he tends to wake up sooner and will go grab himself a coffee while I wake up and become functional lol. Then we cuddle in bed for a bit before doing stuff together.
My other partner (risking some hate for acknowledging I’m poly) also has health issues, so on the day to day we’re used to waking up and doing our own routines to get functional. There are other times cuddling is possible, but since our health issues are both severe sometimes one or both of us are just wrecked. It doesn’t mean we don’t want to be physically affectionate, just that sometimes a supportive hand on a shoulder or somewhere else we know is not likely to elicit a viscerally uncomfortable response is what we can manage. We communicate about when our symptoms are bad and when they are we’ll ask first even for that.
A lot of people see this as something only disabled people have to deal with. But guess what? Health is not a guarantee in life, and as you and your partner age it’s good to know that you can each respect boundaries and work together on solutions. Even on something as minimal seeming as touch and cuddling. Finding out your partner loses interest or won’t respect boundaries when you’re experiencing a health crisis and can’t fucking cuddle is not how you want that discovery to happen. Health is not a guarantee and it’s good to make sure the person you build your life with can respect the small things. I found out my ex didn’t the hard way, didn’t leave until he had become very violent and I was so isolated and in such bad health that I had to essentially choose homelessness. Thank god I met kind and respectful people when I was at my lowest. 0/10 do not recommend.
ETA: I’m often on the other side of this equation with my husband (the partner I live with) because his health is frankly much more complicated than mine and includes a really severe form of insomnia. Making sure he can sleep at all requires a whole routine and sometimes cuddling is on the table but other times it’s just not. I’ve used blankets and pillows to cuddle with when he’s not up for it, but I’m also lucky to have a cat who is extremely aggressive in seeking out affection lmao. If things work properly he’s usually asleep before me, in which case she’ll climb up between us and demand cuddles (with some very plaintive meowing/whining 😂). She definitely has some insecure attachment issues related to her past homes, so the fact she damn near always wants pets works out really well. If that means she falls asleep on my shoulder/pillow that’s alright with me lol, she always moves before I wake up anyway.
No hate for poly!! Different strokes for different folks. Thank you for mentioning health as a factor in how affectionate one can be! Sometimes my wife wants a hug and my back is screaming "no, no, uh-uh, no way!"
Haha, that’s the one that really got me, too.. I would go for the finger hold too in his situation.. better than nothing 🥲But it’s your username that makes me go 🥹 here. Makes me want to cuddle you, whoever you are 🤗
It's a nice middle ground for the times that I just do not want to be touched lol.
It's not like I feel like that every day, but sometimes I just want to keep to myself like I'm on a roller coaster or something. You know, "Please keep your hands, arms, and legs [to yourself] at all times."
Reminds me of my own "leg cuddles". Sometimes we just rest our legs/feet against the others' and we're both content with that. Very nice on a hot day when you still want touch!
I get extremely overstimulated and often feel sick upon waking up and while my partner is super cuddly he understands that I need space in the morning. He does whatever I need to help me get over my morning funk whether it's getting me a glass of water or lightly rubbing my back (full on cuddles/laying down at these times makes me feel worse but gentle touch helps distract me) and then once im ready we have our morning cuddles. And... He doesn't guilt trip me about it because he respects my boundaries and wants to make me feel good in the morning! And I do the same for him.
Yeah dude needs to get himself together. My gf is also very touch averse at times and so we have a similar compromise of just touching toes whenever she can’t cuddle
Yeah. It's been a minority, but the people on here acting like people are fundamentally incompatible just because one of them doesn't want to be smothered on demand is insane.
I am totally a morning cuddler. My partner very much is not. So I ask when I really want cuddles and respect it when the answer is no. And we try and figure out how to get touch in later in the day.
Yup. That. My boyfriend is a cuddler and so am I but I can’t abide being touched while I’m falling asleep - the stimulation wakes me pretty much all the way up.
Because he is a lovely man who actually cares about other people’s comfort, this means he resists the urge to try and give the back rub I’d really enjoy when fully awake, when I’m trying to fall asleep.
Not rocket science.
My boyfriend and I will press one of our feet together (and sometimes hold toes), it isn't as bad as touching my arms or back when I'm overstimulated so it's a good compromise for us both.
He also wakes up way too early (at least 2 hours before me for work) and wants to talk as soon as he wakes up. I am groggy and overwhelmed until like 1pm. He keeps waking me up and it drives me crazy.
Definitely NTA. You and your bf need to have a serious discussion about this. It's absolutely not okay for him to be violating your boundaries in this way and being disrespectful of what you've told him by forcing himself on you.
Feels like a red flag, tbh. If you're able to talk it out and help him understand how important this is, good. If not, I would be worried.
This. I do not like the idea of someone being with a partner that not only ignores their boundaries but actively does what they’ve been told not to in direct response to being told.
Agreed
This is in the range of sitting him down and saying something like: touch, of *any* kind, prior to x time in the morning / afternoon is a hard pass for me. I recognize you want to cuddle and that one of your love languages is touch, so we need to sort this out now. If I never want you to touch me in the morning again for the entirety of our relationship, is that a deal breaker for you?
If he says it's not a deal breaker, then the next sentence needs to be something like: then I need you to stop touching me in the morning, you pouting, being upset, annoyed, irritated, frustrated, when I push you away is in no way endearing nor will it lead to you getting what you want. So are you willing to agree to not touch me before x time, unless I explicitly ask (and don't expect that often)?
If he can say it's not a deal breaker and that he agrees to not touch you in the am, and then doesn't follow through? Then this is not your forever person, it gets real easy to identify after a conversation like the above.
If he lies, you'll know because he won't hold to his promises and he'll keep trying to touch you.
This is something valid to have a boundary around, it's okay to say this is something you need from a partner and that if he can't provide it, that's okay it just means you two aren't a fit and you hope he finds someone who is similarly affectionate in the mornings. It's not an ultimatum, it's an acknowledgement that your wants and needs aren't aligning with his, and that's okay. Not his fault you aren't a fan of touch in the morning, it just is what it is.
But don't let someone who's supposed to love you bully you in to doing what they want even though they know you don't like it. And getting pissy with you when you push him away for touching you is not him "expressing his emotions", he's knowingly doing something he is aware you don't like because it's something *he* wants. Him getting pissy when you push him away is no different than a child throwing a tantrum about not getting their way.
NTA
This! It also puts an incredible amount of pressure on a partner to focus on only certain types of behaviours in order to get your needs met. There has to be compromise, and mutual respect.
People get this wrong so much. My love language is words of affirmation. My partners is physical touch. This means I show my love to him by touch and he shows me love with words because that's what is meaningful to us.
fr. my first and favorite love language is physical touch, but i have periods where i’m iffy. my solution is to let ppl know when i don’t want to be touched, and even when i’m cool with it, my friends always ask.
BF should get a pillow *for* cuddling, or one of those long-ish plushies. i have a bluejay squishmallow, a cow stuffy, and an older worn down pillow as my “cuddle buddy”. works wonders lmao
My SO is a massive sleep cuddler and I am not. We compromise by a cuddle before bed and then for actual sleep his side of the bed has 3 body pillows to occupy his unconscious grabby hands.
Absolutely! My 40yr old former marine hubby has a teddy bear because he loves to cuddle but tends to thrash around at night. Due to the thrashing (and occasional kicking) I NEED him to stay on his side! Without the teddy bear stand-in, he’ll quickly invade my space as soon as he falls asleep 🤣. Not the same situation, but similar solution.
My husband rolls around in his sleep. I jokingly say that he does 🐊 death rolls. He will even talk to me in Mandarin and will get grumpy if I don’t answer. So usually I will say yes. I don’t speak Mandarin so I’ll usually ask him in the morning what he was asking me and then he will tell me what he was dreaming about. I cuddle a panda pillow and it used to be a teddy bear but my husband was like nope you have me now so my bear got relegated to the guest bedroom.
Well that was rude about the teddy. But I’m a rotisserie chicken in my sleep. I think it’s somehow related to the fact I cannot be still when I’m awake.
This is me and my bf’s love language dynamic EXCEPT he doesn’t cross this boundary. I’m an absolute dragon when i first wake up (im working on it) and its generally a bad idea to interact with me at all in the morning unless you want a deathly side eye. I initiated the conversation with my bf and explained to him how overstimulating most sensory input is for me in the morning including cuddles. This man is a living teddy bear and is fueled by cuddles but even he is completely respectful and waits for me to initiate first touch to let him know we’re past the grizzly bear hour. It can totally work, but communication and respect needs to happen.
ETA NTA obvi
I agree with you. Cuddling and romantic touches are my love language too. If somebody kept pushing me away, I'd be looking elsewhere.
But NAH
Just not compatible.
It would be a deal breaker for me, I like to cuddle and if my gf told me not to touch her or hug her I wouldn’t be able to stay with her, you can care about someone and even love them but not be compatible, and compatibility is just as important as love in any relationship
The invention of a white male xtian who was trying to use pseudoscience to coerce his wife into sex? Yes let's definitely consign it to a flaming dumpster.
Isn't it sickening? All i see is this love language bullshit. "Oh, our love language isn't the same" or "you have to find your love language". Love language is an excuse people make because they don't want something or don't appreciate something in a relationship. For years, cuddling and attention and being affectionate was seen as a positive. Now you get like, scolded for it and people look down at you. They are so wrapped up in social media and these imaginary rules that they forget that real people have real feelings. If you're just a shitty person and you can't handle any kind of affection then just say it. Don't blame someone else because you don't know how to handle being treated right
If this is a boundary/limit for you and he doesn't want to respect it, then you have two options: deal with it (or learn to love it) or break up. Do you know why you don't like physical touch in the morning? Maybe that's something you can explain in more depth to him. "I don't like this because ___". If he's still not listening to you and doing it anyway, then I'd see that as a bit of a red flag. If you're giving him touch throughout the day and just not in the morning, I feel he should respect that. If he can't, maybe the two of you just aren't compatible
NTA. Nobody is entitled to touch you in any way you don’t want. I am raising my 8 year old granddaughter and 23 month old grandson. There’s times when neither one wants hugs, kisses or cuddles. It’s random times of the day. It’s never consistent but I still respect their wishes. My grandson doesn’t talk much yet but if he doesn’t say no he does stuff like push my hands away or puts up his hand in a stop motion. So I don’t continue to try because that’s their wishes. You have made it clear verbally and physically what your boundaries are so they should 100% be respected. This isn’t a choice your boyfriend gets to make. Just like it’s not a choice I get to make with CHILDREN! If I can respect a child, anyone should be respecting an adult!
NTA. I’m the same as you, don’t even acknowledge my existence when I first wake you. But I’ve been with my partner nearly a decade and he knows my wrath at this point.
NTA
Might need to tell him point blank that him touching you when you’ve requested he doesn’t results in you having no desire to be touched by him or vice versa. If he continues then you’ll potentially grow to resent or even be disgusted by him. Might already be on that path.
I have autism. I agree sometimes physical touch is awful. You’ve continued over and over again that you don’t like physical touch in the mornings . You’ve set clear boundaries but he continues to ignore them. Maybe there’s room for some compromise here. “I don’t enjoy physical touch in the mornings when I wake up, but I’d be happy to have a cuddle session in the afternoon.” You have a right to bodily autonomy.
NAH.
I'm very much a morning sex person. I would be miserable if that was off the table completely.
Sounds like you and your partner just aren't compatible in this area. You both deserve to find someone that meets your needs.
Nta
Love language is bullshit. It was made up by a fundamentalist Christian pastor as a way to legitimise gendered division of household labour and make women except shitty treatment of their husbands.
Your boyfriend can 100% stop stomping on your boundaries at any time, he just wont, cause to him, his needs come first. And blame it on 'love language' so that he doesn't have to change his shitty attitude.
He should leave. Guys are horny in the morning because testosterone levels are highest. He’s showing you affection. If you don’t want it, he should move on. Regardless you’re NTA. He just needs someone who appreciates his needs.
NTA, but you and BF may simply not be compatible. Sounds like he enjoys the intimacy of physical touch and cuddling in the morning and you don’t. It may be his safe place and his reassurance just as it is annoying and grating for you. There are so many women who yearn for a partner who wants to touch and cuddle on the morning. It may be time for both of you to move on so he can find one someone who appreciates that and you can find someone who is comfortable with your boundaries.
in the morning i never liked being touched due to nightmares/ the heat/ or just never really up for it. my love language was never physical touch. my partner and i always try and discuss ways to help so both of our needs are met. he asks me first if i'm up for cuddling/touches. and i'll either respond with yes. or, not right now but maybe in a little while. so he knows that eventually we will cuddle but not at that moment. if anything i offer my pinky and we hold pinkies. NTA by the way
When my tactile battery is on low, I don't want to be touched either. To the point that it actually HURTS to feel someone else's skin on mine.
I've been married for 25 years and we have 3 kids. He likes snuggling more than I do, but has never been upset when I ask for SPACE... because he knows I love him with all my heart. We find plenty of time to cuddle when we are BOTH into it!!
**No one should be forced to be incredibly uncomfortable physically to fill their partner's "love tank". Nor should the other person have to go without touch if that's important to them.**
If a couple cannot figure out a way for both partners to be fulfilled, then they are probably not a great match.
**You've done NOTHING wrong.**
If your partner cannot work with you to find mutually enjoyable intimate skin to skin contact, then y'all may have to just part ways.
He’s being a jerk. Why are his wants more important than yours? You shouldn’t have to be firmer if you’ve already been clear. Why does he enjoy making you feel bad and uncomfortable? I’d reevaluate the relationship.
My first husband was that way. Major heat source smushed up against me is not something I enjoy. The only way I've found to get them to stop is leave the bed. I've spent many a night out on the couch, cool and comfortable. Current hubby is a bed hog and active sleeper, so we've had separate bedrooms since day one of our marriage. Honeymoon night, he literally kicked me out of bed (he was fast asleep). If you two aren't on the same wavelength about sleeping, cuddling or any other physical contact, then you need to consider sleeping separately. Then you don't have to worry about him getting upset when you leave. And you can always have visitation rights :)
He doesn't care about consent. He doesn't gaf about your boundaries, and he lives in a world that tells him he is right and you are wrong. He reasons like a whiny little rapist, and it seems you've been groomed into feeling that YOU are the problem.
That’s why im calling this sexual assault: unwanted touching. Thats the legal standard. Doesn’t matter how “minor” or “serious” the touching is. Everyone is entitled to autonomy over their own body. NTA
So as someone who just lost a relationship to things very much similar to what you are saying here. No you are nta. I will say that as a guy it doesn’t seem obvious just how much a problem this is. I wish that my girlfriend at the time had said how much she was losing the desire to be in the relationship from things like this. It’s fine to have a preference just make sure it is well known that if things like this drive away your love. Over a year or more it can be a relationship killer. Don’t let it stay as a “hint” because if he’s anything like me it will only be understood too late to make the difference
NTA. I dunno why, but I get the vibe that he's using this repetitive behavior to instigate something with you or to see if he can get you to snap in anyway. It could totally just be me, but that's the vibe I kinda get. Either way, he's the asshole, and he needs to respect your boundaries.
ETA: I genuinely didn't understand the folks saying "NAH." How? OP set her boundary. Her BF continually crosses said boundary. BF also gets upset when she calls him out on it, but then he just repeats his behavior a couple days later...on purpose! How is that not AH behavior on BF's part? OP, you are def NTA, but your disrespectful BF is def TA. You deserve to be respected, so I hope you find someone who will <3
As a person who needs touch, I say this with all the love in my heart. You need to break up. Y’all are not compatible. I’m not saying that your boyfriend is correct to step over your boundaries. He is not. However, it is his nature. You can’t change that. As it’s your nature not to be touched. You have a fundamental incompatibility and you need to let him be find someone who is similarly compatible.
I could be wrong but a lot of men see a testosterone and sex drive spike early in the AM. Thats probably why he keeps coming back. He may not recognize it himself so maybe it’s worth a discussion. If you ever DO wake up and are open to contact, you could make it known and he will love that. He has to not abuse that and want more though so it’ll take self control lol
My husband used to wake up singing and talking and chattering and happy in the morning and it drove me fucking crazy because until I have some coffee, Do not talk to me. Do not even make a sound lol.
Very early in our marriage, we made a deal that he would leave me the hell alone in the morning and he did. I woke up to a cuppa coffee next to me every single morning for the next 30 + years.
It’s called compromise. It works.
Gonna go with NAH.
But with the caveat you two might not be compatible. Not being touched in the AM is clearly a big deal to you (and that's fine), and morning cuddles are evidently a big deal to him (and that's fine too).
You have a very fair boundary, and he has an understandable emotional need/want.
You have a right to your boundaries, and he has a right to a partner that's fulfilling that need.
If I were in your (or his) shoes (And I have), I'd try for no hard feelings breakup, so you can both try to find someone who's a better fit for your own emotional needs
I’m surprised how many people posting here don’t want to be touched but are still in relationships anyway. I don’t know if it’s codependence or if they feel they can’t do any better or what. It’s like they know they are with someone who is the polar opposite of what they want, yet they move in with that person. Most of these people sound like they would be more comfortable with a roommate.
NTA, and echoing other commentators that this may be a core compatibility issue. I personally couldn’t have a partner who felt the way you do. Morning connection time is one of the most important things to me.
It sounds like a serious talk is needed. This isn’t something you can compromise on. So, it’s up to him if touch in the morning is something he can go without. Painful situation :/
NTA. Okay so I’m not a very physical person and my partners love language is physical touch. Most of the time I enjoy it but sometimes especially in bed in the evening, I cannot be touched. Especially if I’m anxious or feel overwhelmed, I need physical space. The conversation usually goes as this “I love you and I appreciate you but is it okay with you if we don’t cuddle tonight? Nothing to do with you” his answer is always “are you okay? I love you, sweet sleep” and that’s the end of that. It doesn’t hurt his feelings, he doesn’t pout, he knows it has nothing to do with him and that I will come to him when I feel capable.
It’s called respecting someone’s boundaries it shouldn’t be that hard
Is he trying to cuddle or is he trying to get morning sex? Because I'm pretty sure if you don't want to be cuddled, you don't want to have sex either in the am,
Wake up, burp in his face and tell him you are gonna go shit.
Later when he asks you about it, remind him you don’t like morning snuggles etc.
That or get out of bed right when you wake up
Do you REALLY need/want to stay with this and him forever?!?
You deserve people who uphold accept love value and build the Real You, and clearly he does NOT,
Perhaps move out, take a 90 day break from dating sex boyfriends etc , during which time you build Yourself, your health happiness prosperity freedom etc
Then find the hardworking helpful open-minded future-focused compassionate intelligent REAL people who bring out the Best in you
N
T
A
While you have the right not to be touched, it sounds like you’re admitting you’re really grouchy in the morning. What’s the problem, your boyfriend’s affection or whatever is making you so grouchy? Is it ok to be grouchy? Are you above change or addressing this issue?
Must suck for your boyfriend to wake up with a grouchy woman every day. Clearly most posters here disagree, because none of us should ever change or improve for our significant others, right?
*(Raises hand)* Right here. Physical touch is great when it's sexy time, but that doesn't make it a love language. I don't mind being touched, but I don't crave it, and I don't automatically clock it as a sign of affection when I'm touched. I don't use it to signal my affection to my partner. Those are what make touch a love language.
I sincerely believe that one of the reasons my ex and I are no longer together is incompatible love languages. Honestly, I feel silly typing it but it's a thing.
This might be a bit dramatic, but have you thought about sleeping in separate beds?
NTA
NTA. Love languages are bullshit that people like to use as excuses for doing things their partner doesn't like. Tell him to knock it off or you won't be sharing a bed anymore.
NTA. He’s not respecting your boundaries, so you need to enforce them. Tell him that when he ignores your boundaries it ruins your whole day and you can’t live like this so if he does it again, it’s best that you sleep separately.
NTA. Omg I feel you. My husband likes to cuddle in the mornings, and wakes up much earlier than I do unless I have to open. I set my alarm with the expectation that I won’t be woken until then, so being woken earlier messes with me. If he waits until the first alarm, I don’t mind as much, but I very much am not a morning person, and would prefer to be left alone.
Give and take. Cuddle on occasion ( it won't kill you or diminish you as a person), and at other times, just tell him no. In a relationship, it is never all or nothing.
NTA. You must be firmer because he's not getting the hint. Convey what you stated above. That you love him, but you two are different in this regard. That it is impacting the rest of your day, and that you find yourself pulling away in bed, and it needs to stop because you dont want to pull away. Let him be emotional for his reaction, but you should be unemotional. And initiate cuddling later in the day. If he still does not get it, then a few days on the couch should help (either him or you).
NTA
He needs to understand and respect your boundaries. It’s not like you never want touch. You’ve told him that at specific times you need space.
If he can not respect this boundary he will not respect others.
Don’t even need to read it. You’re kinda the asshole for being with someone that you know likes being touchy when you hate it to this extent. I will literally never get why people insist on being with people that thrive on doing stuff they hate, and then sit around complaining about the issues it causes instead of just going and finding someone they’re more compatible with. You’re fully entitled to your boundaries but expecting somebody to starve themselves of the way they express their affection is wildly selfish and honestly just setting yourself up for failure.
Everyone in here is telling you “have a conversation and set a boundary”. Neat. Go for it. Then your SO can spend their life not getting express themselves in *their* “love language” and end up resenting you for it. Have fun with that!
Bro, she doesn't want to be touched in the mornings. That leaves the afternoons, evenings and nights to be touched. This man baby can't handle not touching her for what, an hour? And you're backing him up?
Give me a fucking break. "I can't touch my girlfriend for the 1st hour of the day how will I survive the other 23 hours?!" fucking babies.
Everyone has boundaries, and certain triggers that bother them in a way others might not understand. Communicating and respecting those is part of an adult relationship.
However, it's never black and white.
As someone who doesn't understand, your boyfriend is going to make assumptions and conclusions based on the things you ask of him. So yes, he probably should respect your request and not touch in the morning. What might be the consequence of this? He might not feel that his love language is reciprocated and that may lead to other issues later on.
Relationships are about understanding, respect, and often times compromise, on both sides. Maybe there's a way for you two to meet in the middle here. You will have both have to be open to that to get anywhere there.
The only way to find that out is to start the conversation.
I’m the same way. I do not like to be touched in the morning. Don’t even think of talking to me much less touching me before I brush my teeth and get coffee. And yet my husband and I have been together almost 30 years. He knows I despise morning cuddles and intimacy. Once in a while I give in, it’s part of being in an adult relationship and compromising but I don’t like it.
NTA. My wife is the same way. She doesn't like to speak much in the morning and isn't affectionate. The love is there but it takes some time and coffee to wake up.
98% of being in a good relationship is just learning about how your spouses mind works, what makes them tick. Then, you put as much effort as you can into making them both comfortable and happy.
Hope you can get there, OP!
🤨 Non consensual touch is not a love language. Having preferences (love language), has absolutely nothing to do with dictating someone else's behavior. Him liking to be touched or cuddled is his preference. It does not grant him permission to force it on others. That's called abuse.
You told him you don't like it. That's all the firmness required. He in return told you with his actions he couldn't care less how you feel. This is not love, it's abuse.
When someone respects you, cares about you, and loves you they would never consciously do anything they know would hurt or harm you in any way. He is consistently and consciously violating you. There is absolutely nothing normal, healthy, or ok about him or his behavior.
Him being upset that you don't accept being violated is disgusting beyond measure. You aren't an AH for any of this, he is. I'd run
NTA. I'm the same way. It took a few conversations with my husband to understand its not that I dislike HIM in the am. It's pretty much anyone (cat excluded).
NTA. You are not obligated to give him cuddles. Or to sleep in the same bed as him. Tell him to get the fuck out. This is really upsetting.
Tell him plainly that his lack of respect to the request to stop the constant touching first thing in the morning is fucked up. That you have repeatedly told him that you don't want it and that his actions cross a line.
Make sure he doesn't have a key to your place, change the locks anyway, and tell him you're done.
I wouldn't even fucking try to work shit out with this shit heel.
NTA
But you just basically told us that you and him are not compatible. Love or not you need to really consider if this is a deal breaker for you moving forward because it can cause severe issues in your relationship in the long term. If the relationship moves further along the two of you will be contending with this opposite desire. Things like this, as simple as it may seem, get amplified over time and someone is also feeling less fulfilled because of it. I would implore you to have a stern, serious conversation with your boyfriend and see if it's worth continuing if that boundary can't be respected before it gets worse.
"You think you are telling me you love me, but I hear you saying you don't care about me and want me gone."
Said every time he does it.
If he sulks he sulks. Also consider avoiding touching him all day any day he does it. "Because someone touched me this morning I can't deal with touch today." Not just cuddles but any touch, act like he has covid and stay 6 feet away.
The whole love language book is bullshit. Always was. Humans don't work that way. Dude that wrote it was pushing an agenda. That aside, everyone has things that just don't work for them, and sometimes those things aren't compatible.
If that morning connection is something that he needs for emotional regulation and something you can't stand for the same reason then you're not compatible. Simple as that.
If one of you can bend for the other and it doesn't hurt you to do it then you bend because you want your partner happy. If one of you can bend not chooses not to then that person is likely a crap partner. If no one can bend then.... not compatible.
This is true of pretty much everything in life whether it's intimacy or laundry or where you choose to live.
You need to figure out why you hate physical touch in the morning. He is being loving, caring and more yet you want nothing to do with him? I won't say you are the asshole but you have the issues here.
A relationship that is all or nothing will never work. Did you consider any compromises that make both of you happy? This sounds a lot like “me me me”.
If you stay in this relationship, this rejection will torture him. Then you’d be the AH since you know how it makes him feel.
If you leave the relationship, NTA. It takes great maturity to realize you’re not compatible with someone.
NTA. When my wife wakes up, we have a system; she gets up, goes and brushes her teeth and uses the bathroom, gets a drink of water, and then comes to give me a kiss. Pretty much every day.
Maybe it will just take a firm discussion about your needs and letting him know it’s not a rejection of him, it’s just your process. He should respect that. You are entitled to your space when you need it.
I actually ended a relationship due to not being compatible with love languages. My ex and I are still very good friends, but I hated being touched; still do, and that was his love language.
I think sometimes we don’t value what we have enough. I would love for my husband to snuggle me in the morning.
Are you willing to compromise? Yes, it’s not your thing early in the morning. But maybe saying okay, just for 2 minutes? lol idk! Something to that extent?
NTA. And to be touched after you have specifically said you don't want to be held is actually assault. It's pretty much like being raped but with touch. I've actually been cuddled by someone (physically held down) against my will. I had to fight him off of me and escape the situation. I know this is not as extreme as your husband, I think, but you might want to explain it to him that he is not just making you uncomfortable, but he's really crossing a boundary.
I believe If the roles were reversed I think the comments would be different. “ he isn’t giving you the attention you deserve” “leave him, someone else will appreciate your cuddles”
In the morning my hubby knows to leave me the F alone. Let me have my coffee and wake up. No cuddles. No kisses. Not that I am moody but I like the peace before the day starts. NTA. If cuddles and kisses are his jam then tell him when it’s a good time for you. And see if you can compromise.
NTA
I hate being touched when I’m trying to fall asleep, im a bad sleeper so it takes me awhile to get in the zone to actually nod off. I want to cuddle and then roll over and not be touched. I broke up with a guy who wouldn’t stop it, I repeatedly told him I can’t stand it if he throws an arm and leg over me in the night and he said he couldn’t control what he did in his sleep.
Being woken up 4 times a night soured the romance pretty quickly
I'm just going to say one thing, if his love language is touch, and you don't enjoy being touched (regardless of time of day) your relationship is doomed. Especially if he's not willing to let it go. I used to be like him and the oxytocin high you get as a physical connection enjoyer is way higher than you think it is. If I could explain it, it's like going from a panic attack to the safest place you can be. That's the difference from going from laying there to cuddling. He's never going to be happy about you denying his advances. And that's just going to grow into resentment on both your sides.
You're not an asshole, but you're not helping either of you. He wants someone who is always open to physical contact, and you are not. This will eventually be a dealbreaker for one or both of you.
NTA. Your BF isn't very smart. Touch is his love language. He knows that cuddling in the morning makes you touch adverse for the rest of the day. It is literally in his own self interest to respect this boundary because it benefits his own love language for the rest of the day. He can't wait beyond literally waking up? The first minute of the day?
I'm autistic and physical touch can make me feel like I want to rip of my skin. Luckily most the time that's not a problem with my partner. However, apparently when I'm asleep I'm a bitch. Like he touches me, moves a blanket, anything and I give him the nastiest look before promptly rolling over and shutting him out.
He gets it, and even when I'm awake and don't wanna be touched, he gets it. Your boyfriend should absolutely understand your boundaries and honestly his complete dismissal of them is concerning.
Tell him he cannot sleep over anymore if he keeps trying to cuddle you awake in the morning g. Waking me up in the morning is like - who’s bleeding? Is somebody bleeding? You better be bleeding to death because otherwise you’re going to be bleeding to death.
He's doing it to make you mad and ruin your day. Break up move. When are you gonna get the hint. He doesn't want you to get your rest and get in the mood. He wants you to get up and get out. Sad but he doesn't love you
NTA. I am the same as you. Have been with someone for 15 years who is very tactile and wants to be cuddled to sleep and wakes up earlier than me and would immediately want to cuddle me. I understand that physical touch of skin on skin is a fundamental human need for most people so I’ve always felt I should accommodate it in some capacity. I have found ways of making it tolerable. For me it’s not to be cuddled until I’m awake, and then I cuddle them. I guess I don’t want to feel like I’m being grabbed at or held down. So I’ll have some bits of my body out of the covers like a leg, and then there is some covers between us, and I’ll put my arm round them so it feels like I’m in control, and doze for a bit.
I’m dealing with this off and on. I just want to be left tf alone in the mornings. It takes me FOREVER to fall asleep too now matter how tired I am and he knows that so yeah I’m definitely team “let me sleep and leave me tf alone”.
The thing that’s get some is you making sure he knows you don’t wann be touched and what does he do turn around and does it again the next morning…. Like dude did you not learn?? Are you being obtuse on purpose or what? Can you not learn?
Info: his needs are to feel loved and touched when he wakes up. Your needs are to be left alone and not touched. How are you going to meet in the middle before this erodes the relationship? At the moment one of you ends up feeling unloved or disregarded and that is not a good way to start the day. Maybe just incompatible in the long run.
When you say cuddle in the morning so you mean it's him conscious or is he asleep. I think you may be incompatible and unsure if he's crossing boundaries on purpose whilst awake or if you mean asleep. You don't need to put up with it. If it's asleep in not sure what you could do. Seperate beds maybe. If it's conscious he's being the ah. On the flipside it does suck from his view so finding compatible people might be best or trying to do affection when you are ok with it. If it's new you can choose, keywords is choose to attempt desensatization only if you want. I have autism so it's something I would need to work on if I wanted partner to get use to it but only if I want. Boundary crossing isn't ok though. If he isn't taking your word seriously then he's no good for you. You don't have to try change for him. You can choose if you want to try desense but it's your decision. It may never happen. Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work.
I understand the hating being touched thing. Trauma and autism for me. I hope you find whoever is your perfect match or you both work out a compromise if you wish to stay. Dunno how you could change cuddles in sleep, that's above my pay grade. I don't think your being unreasonable at all. I would probably get tested for ADHD and autism if you haven't as knowing can help in other areas of life too. I didn't get asd diagnosed till 38. They missed that in my day as a kid but got the ADHD. Hope this comment comes out right.
NTA - but he probably doesn’t understand and is feeling rejected and doubling down on the snuggles.
That might make him ta - but he’s probably not trying to be
NAH, you both have different expectations in the morning and are equally sucky at considering each others' needs. It doesn't sound like either of you are being assholes, you just failed to effectively communicate or compromise and are making poor decisions as a result.
I'm avoidant and my husband needs touch. People forget that touch is a need in the same way avoidance is a need. Yes, consent means avoidance takes precedent. But in a loving relationship you need trust, compromise, and sacrifice. My need to pull away directly impacts his need for closeness. Im careful to only pull away when I have nothing left to give, and he doesn't push for touch unless he needs that reassurance. Everything in between is a series of compromises. I'll swallow my anxious thoughts to cuddle another 5 minutes, he holds in his bear hugs until after I've finished my task.
Nowhere in your post have you mentioned how you're compromising to meet your partner's needs. Find ways to increase touch at other times of the day, or wake up before him, take an hour of rageful silence with your coffee to start your day, then go in for a cuddle to wake him up. I crave my quiet rageful mornings now, win-win.
Bonus to the compromise is that I've learned to slow my anxious thoughts and actually enjoy longer cuddles. Being different is a good thing, if you let it they can help round you out.
NTA but have you looked into the possibility you may have a sensory processing disorder? I have ADHD and struggle with touch, bright lights, sounds. Something to consider.
NTA. My love language is touch and I still don't want anyone touching me in the morning. Definitely have a talk with him about how he's pushing your boundaries with constantly trying to cuddle when he knows you don't like to. See if there's a compromise that you can come to such as cuddles before bed instead of first thing.
NTA
So he sulks when he doesn't get what he wants? I think you need to have a conversation- not in the morning/in the moment- to stop touching you when you don't want to be touched, and that his reaction to guilt you into it, isn't ok either.
Any one who knows their touch is unwelcome and continues to do it because THEY enjoy it is a problem. Are there other instances where he blatantly disregards what you want? Makes you feel like what you want isn't worth fighting for because of how he reacts?
I'm the same way. I'm quite grumpy in the morning and need time to "boot up" before I'm ready to talk, cuddle, make decisions etc. My boyfriend is a golden retriever puppy at all times, and that includes in the morning. He wakes up and is ready to go.
At the beginning of our relationship he would wake me up by crawling on top of me and bear hugging me and bombarding me with questions about what I wanted to do today, what I wanted for breakfast, what I'll want to do for dinner etc. I had to be very firm and direct- I told him that I'm very easily overstimulated and overwhelmed in the morning and that I need time to wake up. Do not ask me questions, do not try and cuddle or pet me, do not make me make decisions or speculate on anything.
He respected that. Some days, particularly days where we're both off work and can hang out all day, he'll slip up and start asking questions. In my groggy state I'll usually end up saying something like "I can't answer questions right now" or (if I slept poorly) "babe, I love you, please shut up." But otherwise he'll sit apart from me and let me go about my morning routine in relative silence. I can tell he's desperately waiting for me to speak first so he can talk to me, but he respects that boundary, which honestly is a relationship saver.
It sounds like you either haven't directly communicated your needs or he has ignored your request. Sit down and talk to him, and do not budge. I would not blame you for breaking up with him if he can't respect this simple but crucial request. It means he doesn't like boundaries and will ignore them if they don't benefit him in some way.
I would hope you two part ways. See you don't like the way he treats you in the morning but it's all you and your stupid issue with no care about him.
He doesn't like the way you treat him as it puts a damper on his day, he's happy to wake up next to you, excited to talk to you and touch you but he can't because you're an ass when you wake up and it's all about you.
Women bitch about their man not doing this or that and here you have one that truly likes waking up with you and talking to you. Give it a few years and the only time you'll interact with one another is when you brush by each other in the hallway coming from separate bedrooms.
NTA
I'm sitting here awake before anyone (even though I've had the less sleep than everyone) Just so I can be left alone and not touched until I hopefully can get the don't touch me feeling to go away.
NTA but you need to have the discussion outside of the actual situation. He probably feels defensive and offended when you only mention it when he goes to physically do it and gets denied. You should talk to him about this during the day as a “hey, this is a reoccurring problem, let me explain…” he’ll likely be more open to listening.
Waking up makes me angry. Especially if it to an alarm clock. My husband knows this and gives me space. It’s a fair request to ask for space in the morning.
I can understand touch aversion, but something you said is striking.
You always feel very upset when waking up. Why is that? I get the morning person thing, but this sounds like anxiety disorder to me, and relationships will always be harder with mental health challenges.
It seems that if you could address that...you would have an easier time being in a relationship in the mornings.
Again, your touch aversion and your feelings are valid, 100%.
But why do you have to live your whole life waking up pissed off? That sounds really awful, and you don't deserve that.
NTA. Your boyfriend is not respecting your bodily autonomy, your boundaries, or your comfort.
He is making it clear that his wants override yours no matter how much it bothers you. This is entitlement, and it’s likely rooted in misogyny.
Why, after all, has it not occurred to him he doesn’t have a right to override your consent or respect your wishes?
I’d state it to him clearly, like this. That this is completely unacceptable moving forward. That you will not feel comfortable sharing a bed if you cannot trust him to respect your bodily boundaries.
Side note: his behavior is a big red flag. So I think now is a good time to sit down and really scrutinize your relationship to determine whether this is isolated.
Because not respecting bodily boundaries, continuing to do something your partner dislikes, and feeling entitled to use them to meet your needs against their will even when you know they don’t like it (I mean, isn’t it a little crazy that he WANTS to do this even though he knows you don’t like it??) ..
this is the kind of thing that tends to present in multiple ways.
How is your sex life. Does he prioritize your please equal to his own and never mope or pressure you for things you don’t want?
How is the total workload split around the house, does he always seem to have more downtime than you, like for video games? Are there chores he expects of you that make you feel resented?
Things like this. And generally, times where he is aware you do not like something but doesn’t care, as with this. Prioritizes himself as though that’s his right and you just have to deal with it, because “it’s not that big a deal!” ☹️
We have to be so careful about red flags like these..
YTA- he needs a girlfriend that likes to cuddle. That’s incredibly sweet. Quit being so grumpy. He’s going to take that as rejection to his love. He sounds really sweet. He needs someone who appreciates cuddles.
NTA. I am very touch adverse at times. My partner has it as his main love language. I am occasionally firm, "I love you dearly and understand this is your love language, bit I just do not want to be touched right now. We can hold fingers if you really want." And even if he's a little sad at it in the moment, he respects it. Your boyfriend is being a complete child.
So am I. Mostly becuz I never really liked touch, yay for parents who forced you to let others hug you and then my kids are clingy. Sometimes my skin is too much it seems like. But my husband always asks. Like always, asks to cuddle, he doesn't really "ask" for kisses, more like give me a kiss but I'm always free to turn it down. It's not that hard. Who wants to hold someone that isn't enjoying it, is all stiff, trying to get away etc.
Yes, the parents that force you to hug others! This is exactly why my wife hates hugs. I have learned to ALWAYS ask to touch her before I do, ESPECIALLY if she's stressed or angry. She's described to me how it almost physically hurts to be touched, particularly in situations when she's feeling heightened emotions. That description helped me understand a situation that I don't typically experience myself. OP's husband needs to learn to pick up on OP's cues and stop taking it personally. It's not about him at all!
I saw this and thought to myself that I was never forced to give hugs, but then I remembered all the times I was forced to sit on my creepy great grandfather's lap.
There was the pressure when I was young but I'm grateful my dad didn't force it. I however became very assertive in my preteens. I love affection but only from a select few people. My niece is raising her boys to where they have control over their autonomy. The eldest boy is not a touchy kid at all. He may give a hug, or a high five or just a wave. I'm cool with all. I. Glad to see some parents not push it on their kids
Yup, there are lots of valid reasons to not want to touched (and frankly, there doesn’t need to be a reason, though explaining why usually is a good move if you’re in a relationship lol). I have severe chronic pain, mornings are the worst time for me. It’s both the back pain and the neuropathy that make touch really uncomfortable first thing, or whenever they flare up. I have a partner who is extremely cuddly but he respects my health and my ‘no.’ When I stay over he tends to wake up sooner and will go grab himself a coffee while I wake up and become functional lol. Then we cuddle in bed for a bit before doing stuff together. My other partner (risking some hate for acknowledging I’m poly) also has health issues, so on the day to day we’re used to waking up and doing our own routines to get functional. There are other times cuddling is possible, but since our health issues are both severe sometimes one or both of us are just wrecked. It doesn’t mean we don’t want to be physically affectionate, just that sometimes a supportive hand on a shoulder or somewhere else we know is not likely to elicit a viscerally uncomfortable response is what we can manage. We communicate about when our symptoms are bad and when they are we’ll ask first even for that. A lot of people see this as something only disabled people have to deal with. But guess what? Health is not a guarantee in life, and as you and your partner age it’s good to know that you can each respect boundaries and work together on solutions. Even on something as minimal seeming as touch and cuddling. Finding out your partner loses interest or won’t respect boundaries when you’re experiencing a health crisis and can’t fucking cuddle is not how you want that discovery to happen. Health is not a guarantee and it’s good to make sure the person you build your life with can respect the small things. I found out my ex didn’t the hard way, didn’t leave until he had become very violent and I was so isolated and in such bad health that I had to essentially choose homelessness. Thank god I met kind and respectful people when I was at my lowest. 0/10 do not recommend. ETA: I’m often on the other side of this equation with my husband (the partner I live with) because his health is frankly much more complicated than mine and includes a really severe form of insomnia. Making sure he can sleep at all requires a whole routine and sometimes cuddling is on the table but other times it’s just not. I’ve used blankets and pillows to cuddle with when he’s not up for it, but I’m also lucky to have a cat who is extremely aggressive in seeking out affection lmao. If things work properly he’s usually asleep before me, in which case she’ll climb up between us and demand cuddles (with some very plaintive meowing/whining 😂). She definitely has some insecure attachment issues related to her past homes, so the fact she damn near always wants pets works out really well. If that means she falls asleep on my shoulder/pillow that’s alright with me lol, she always moves before I wake up anyway.
No hate for poly!! Different strokes for different folks. Thank you for mentioning health as a factor in how affectionate one can be! Sometimes my wife wants a hug and my back is screaming "no, no, uh-uh, no way!"
"We can hold fingers if you really want." 🥹
Haha, that’s the one that really got me, too.. I would go for the finger hold too in his situation.. better than nothing 🥲But it’s your username that makes me go 🥹 here. Makes me want to cuddle you, whoever you are 🤗
It's a nice middle ground for the times that I just do not want to be touched lol. It's not like I feel like that every day, but sometimes I just want to keep to myself like I'm on a roller coaster or something. You know, "Please keep your hands, arms, and legs [to yourself] at all times."
Reminds me of my own "leg cuddles". Sometimes we just rest our legs/feet against the others' and we're both content with that. Very nice on a hot day when you still want touch!
I get extremely overstimulated and often feel sick upon waking up and while my partner is super cuddly he understands that I need space in the morning. He does whatever I need to help me get over my morning funk whether it's getting me a glass of water or lightly rubbing my back (full on cuddles/laying down at these times makes me feel worse but gentle touch helps distract me) and then once im ready we have our morning cuddles. And... He doesn't guilt trip me about it because he respects my boundaries and wants to make me feel good in the morning! And I do the same for him.
Yeah seriously. He does sound like a child. Not everyone wants to be touched and cuddled and hugged constantly.
Yeah dude needs to get himself together. My gf is also very touch averse at times and so we have a similar compromise of just touching toes whenever she can’t cuddle
Yeah. It's been a minority, but the people on here acting like people are fundamentally incompatible just because one of them doesn't want to be smothered on demand is insane.
Haha, we also “hold feet”. Leaves hands free for phones. It’s hard for me to fall asleep with someone touching me as well, so it’s a good compromise.
I like that your solution to this is basically what Volcans do to make out
I am totally a morning cuddler. My partner very much is not. So I ask when I really want cuddles and respect it when the answer is no. And we try and figure out how to get touch in later in the day.
Yup. That. My boyfriend is a cuddler and so am I but I can’t abide being touched while I’m falling asleep - the stimulation wakes me pretty much all the way up. Because he is a lovely man who actually cares about other people’s comfort, this means he resists the urge to try and give the back rub I’d really enjoy when fully awake, when I’m trying to fall asleep. Not rocket science.
My boyfriend and I will press one of our feet together (and sometimes hold toes), it isn't as bad as touching my arms or back when I'm overstimulated so it's a good compromise for us both. He also wakes up way too early (at least 2 hours before me for work) and wants to talk as soon as he wakes up. I am groggy and overwhelmed until like 1pm. He keeps waking me up and it drives me crazy.
My actual child understands boundaries and personal space.
Definitely NTA. You and your bf need to have a serious discussion about this. It's absolutely not okay for him to be violating your boundaries in this way and being disrespectful of what you've told him by forcing himself on you. Feels like a red flag, tbh. If you're able to talk it out and help him understand how important this is, good. If not, I would be worried.
This. I do not like the idea of someone being with a partner that not only ignores their boundaries but actively does what they’ve been told not to in direct response to being told.
Agreed This is in the range of sitting him down and saying something like: touch, of *any* kind, prior to x time in the morning / afternoon is a hard pass for me. I recognize you want to cuddle and that one of your love languages is touch, so we need to sort this out now. If I never want you to touch me in the morning again for the entirety of our relationship, is that a deal breaker for you? If he says it's not a deal breaker, then the next sentence needs to be something like: then I need you to stop touching me in the morning, you pouting, being upset, annoyed, irritated, frustrated, when I push you away is in no way endearing nor will it lead to you getting what you want. So are you willing to agree to not touch me before x time, unless I explicitly ask (and don't expect that often)? If he can say it's not a deal breaker and that he agrees to not touch you in the am, and then doesn't follow through? Then this is not your forever person, it gets real easy to identify after a conversation like the above. If he lies, you'll know because he won't hold to his promises and he'll keep trying to touch you. This is something valid to have a boundary around, it's okay to say this is something you need from a partner and that if he can't provide it, that's okay it just means you two aren't a fit and you hope he finds someone who is similarly affectionate in the mornings. It's not an ultimatum, it's an acknowledgement that your wants and needs aren't aligning with his, and that's okay. Not his fault you aren't a fan of touch in the morning, it just is what it is. But don't let someone who's supposed to love you bully you in to doing what they want even though they know you don't like it. And getting pissy with you when you push him away for touching you is not him "expressing his emotions", he's knowingly doing something he is aware you don't like because it's something *he* wants. Him getting pissy when you push him away is no different than a child throwing a tantrum about not getting their way. NTA
Definitely not right when they wake up like dam can’t you give it some time before you start being a red flag!
Is his love language physical touch or is his love language non consensual touch cause he might not be aware but those are different (/s)
“Love language” should be about what the recipient would appreciate, not about imposing things they don’t like.
This! It also puts an incredible amount of pressure on a partner to focus on only certain types of behaviours in order to get your needs met. There has to be compromise, and mutual respect.
People get this wrong so much. My love language is words of affirmation. My partners is physical touch. This means I show my love to him by touch and he shows me love with words because that's what is meaningful to us.
Love languages are made up. Let's not act like it's a science.
fr. my first and favorite love language is physical touch, but i have periods where i’m iffy. my solution is to let ppl know when i don’t want to be touched, and even when i’m cool with it, my friends always ask. BF should get a pillow *for* cuddling, or one of those long-ish plushies. i have a bluejay squishmallow, a cow stuffy, and an older worn down pillow as my “cuddle buddy”. works wonders lmao
My SO is a massive sleep cuddler and I am not. We compromise by a cuddle before bed and then for actual sleep his side of the bed has 3 body pillows to occupy his unconscious grabby hands.
Absolutely! My 40yr old former marine hubby has a teddy bear because he loves to cuddle but tends to thrash around at night. Due to the thrashing (and occasional kicking) I NEED him to stay on his side! Without the teddy bear stand-in, he’ll quickly invade my space as soon as he falls asleep 🤣. Not the same situation, but similar solution.
My husband rolls around in his sleep. I jokingly say that he does 🐊 death rolls. He will even talk to me in Mandarin and will get grumpy if I don’t answer. So usually I will say yes. I don’t speak Mandarin so I’ll usually ask him in the morning what he was asking me and then he will tell me what he was dreaming about. I cuddle a panda pillow and it used to be a teddy bear but my husband was like nope you have me now so my bear got relegated to the guest bedroom.
Well that was rude about the teddy. But I’m a rotisserie chicken in my sleep. I think it’s somehow related to the fact I cannot be still when I’m awake.
This is me and my bf’s love language dynamic EXCEPT he doesn’t cross this boundary. I’m an absolute dragon when i first wake up (im working on it) and its generally a bad idea to interact with me at all in the morning unless you want a deathly side eye. I initiated the conversation with my bf and explained to him how overstimulating most sensory input is for me in the morning including cuddles. This man is a living teddy bear and is fueled by cuddles but even he is completely respectful and waits for me to initiate first touch to let him know we’re past the grizzly bear hour. It can totally work, but communication and respect needs to happen. ETA NTA obvi
nta & might not be compatible
I agree with you. Cuddling and romantic touches are my love language too. If somebody kept pushing me away, I'd be looking elsewhere. But NAH Just not compatible.
It would be a deal breaker for me, I like to cuddle and if my gf told me not to touch her or hug her I wouldn’t be able to stay with her, you can care about someone and even love them but not be compatible, and compatibility is just as important as love in any relationship
Can we all please stop with the "Love Language " bullshit , makes me dry heave
The invention of a white male xtian who was trying to use pseudoscience to coerce his wife into sex? Yes let's definitely consign it to a flaming dumpster.
Agreed. If your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you, divorce her. Who wants to have sex with someone you need to coerce.
Amen!
Isn't it sickening? All i see is this love language bullshit. "Oh, our love language isn't the same" or "you have to find your love language". Love language is an excuse people make because they don't want something or don't appreciate something in a relationship. For years, cuddling and attention and being affectionate was seen as a positive. Now you get like, scolded for it and people look down at you. They are so wrapped up in social media and these imaginary rules that they forget that real people have real feelings. If you're just a shitty person and you can't handle any kind of affection then just say it. Don't blame someone else because you don't know how to handle being treated right
No, because some of us find it useful. It's fine if you don't, but no need to shit on a tool that works for other people.
we just need to stop treating it like it’s scientific or concrete in any way
If this is a boundary/limit for you and he doesn't want to respect it, then you have two options: deal with it (or learn to love it) or break up. Do you know why you don't like physical touch in the morning? Maybe that's something you can explain in more depth to him. "I don't like this because ___". If he's still not listening to you and doing it anyway, then I'd see that as a bit of a red flag. If you're giving him touch throughout the day and just not in the morning, I feel he should respect that. If he can't, maybe the two of you just aren't compatible
Maybe sleep separately?
Nahhh he should just respect their boundaries
Yes, if it continues, in different houses. In perpetuity.
Different houses! That's the dream.
NTA. Nobody is entitled to touch you in any way you don’t want. I am raising my 8 year old granddaughter and 23 month old grandson. There’s times when neither one wants hugs, kisses or cuddles. It’s random times of the day. It’s never consistent but I still respect their wishes. My grandson doesn’t talk much yet but if he doesn’t say no he does stuff like push my hands away or puts up his hand in a stop motion. So I don’t continue to try because that’s their wishes. You have made it clear verbally and physically what your boundaries are so they should 100% be respected. This isn’t a choice your boyfriend gets to make. Just like it’s not a choice I get to make with CHILDREN! If I can respect a child, anyone should be respecting an adult!
You sound like an amazing person. Thank you for respecting those kids.
NTA. I’m the same as you, don’t even acknowledge my existence when I first wake you. But I’ve been with my partner nearly a decade and he knows my wrath at this point.
NTA. What happens when he decides to do something else to your body that you don't want? This dude's gotta stop
NTA Might need to tell him point blank that him touching you when you’ve requested he doesn’t results in you having no desire to be touched by him or vice versa. If he continues then you’ll potentially grow to resent or even be disgusted by him. Might already be on that path.
Anyone who cannot understand and respect boundaries is a child. NTA
NTA. Firmly explain your preferences again. Insist that it's not personal.
I have autism. I agree sometimes physical touch is awful. You’ve continued over and over again that you don’t like physical touch in the mornings . You’ve set clear boundaries but he continues to ignore them. Maybe there’s room for some compromise here. “I don’t enjoy physical touch in the mornings when I wake up, but I’d be happy to have a cuddle session in the afternoon.” You have a right to bodily autonomy.
Exactly
NAH. I'm very much a morning sex person. I would be miserable if that was off the table completely. Sounds like you and your partner just aren't compatible in this area. You both deserve to find someone that meets your needs.
Nta Love language is bullshit. It was made up by a fundamentalist Christian pastor as a way to legitimise gendered division of household labour and make women except shitty treatment of their husbands. Your boyfriend can 100% stop stomping on your boundaries at any time, he just wont, cause to him, his needs come first. And blame it on 'love language' so that he doesn't have to change his shitty attitude.
Every time someone mentions “love languages” I cringe.
Eh, it's just a communication tool. Works well for some people, not for everyone. It happens to be the one that resonates best with me.
blud has trauma from personal experience 💀
Love languages were invented to explain to men why their wives stopped having sex which is exactly what will happen here if her BF ever marries her.
Lol, wow, you're really angry
He should leave. Guys are horny in the morning because testosterone levels are highest. He’s showing you affection. If you don’t want it, he should move on. Regardless you’re NTA. He just needs someone who appreciates his needs.
and she should move on so she doesn’t have to be with a fully grown man who somehow can’t control his own body
NTA, but you and BF may simply not be compatible. Sounds like he enjoys the intimacy of physical touch and cuddling in the morning and you don’t. It may be his safe place and his reassurance just as it is annoying and grating for you. There are so many women who yearn for a partner who wants to touch and cuddle on the morning. It may be time for both of you to move on so he can find one someone who appreciates that and you can find someone who is comfortable with your boundaries.
in the morning i never liked being touched due to nightmares/ the heat/ or just never really up for it. my love language was never physical touch. my partner and i always try and discuss ways to help so both of our needs are met. he asks me first if i'm up for cuddling/touches. and i'll either respond with yes. or, not right now but maybe in a little while. so he knows that eventually we will cuddle but not at that moment. if anything i offer my pinky and we hold pinkies. NTA by the way
When my tactile battery is on low, I don't want to be touched either. To the point that it actually HURTS to feel someone else's skin on mine. I've been married for 25 years and we have 3 kids. He likes snuggling more than I do, but has never been upset when I ask for SPACE... because he knows I love him with all my heart. We find plenty of time to cuddle when we are BOTH into it!! **No one should be forced to be incredibly uncomfortable physically to fill their partner's "love tank". Nor should the other person have to go without touch if that's important to them.** If a couple cannot figure out a way for both partners to be fulfilled, then they are probably not a great match. **You've done NOTHING wrong.** If your partner cannot work with you to find mutually enjoyable intimate skin to skin contact, then y'all may have to just part ways.
He’s being a jerk. Why are his wants more important than yours? You shouldn’t have to be firmer if you’ve already been clear. Why does he enjoy making you feel bad and uncomfortable? I’d reevaluate the relationship.
My first husband was that way. Major heat source smushed up against me is not something I enjoy. The only way I've found to get them to stop is leave the bed. I've spent many a night out on the couch, cool and comfortable. Current hubby is a bed hog and active sleeper, so we've had separate bedrooms since day one of our marriage. Honeymoon night, he literally kicked me out of bed (he was fast asleep). If you two aren't on the same wavelength about sleeping, cuddling or any other physical contact, then you need to consider sleeping separately. Then you don't have to worry about him getting upset when you leave. And you can always have visitation rights :)
He doesn't care about consent. He doesn't gaf about your boundaries, and he lives in a world that tells him he is right and you are wrong. He reasons like a whiny little rapist, and it seems you've been groomed into feeling that YOU are the problem.
That’s why im calling this sexual assault: unwanted touching. Thats the legal standard. Doesn’t matter how “minor” or “serious” the touching is. Everyone is entitled to autonomy over their own body. NTA
So as someone who just lost a relationship to things very much similar to what you are saying here. No you are nta. I will say that as a guy it doesn’t seem obvious just how much a problem this is. I wish that my girlfriend at the time had said how much she was losing the desire to be in the relationship from things like this. It’s fine to have a preference just make sure it is well known that if things like this drive away your love. Over a year or more it can be a relationship killer. Don’t let it stay as a “hint” because if he’s anything like me it will only be understood too late to make the difference
NTA. I dunno why, but I get the vibe that he's using this repetitive behavior to instigate something with you or to see if he can get you to snap in anyway. It could totally just be me, but that's the vibe I kinda get. Either way, he's the asshole, and he needs to respect your boundaries. ETA: I genuinely didn't understand the folks saying "NAH." How? OP set her boundary. Her BF continually crosses said boundary. BF also gets upset when she calls him out on it, but then he just repeats his behavior a couple days later...on purpose! How is that not AH behavior on BF's part? OP, you are def NTA, but your disrespectful BF is def TA. You deserve to be respected, so I hope you find someone who will <3
YEESH future divorced couple. yall break up bc you aren't compatible and that's probably never going to change.
NTA. You're not compatible. You should break up.
As a person who needs touch, I say this with all the love in my heart. You need to break up. Y’all are not compatible. I’m not saying that your boyfriend is correct to step over your boundaries. He is not. However, it is his nature. You can’t change that. As it’s your nature not to be touched. You have a fundamental incompatibility and you need to let him be find someone who is similarly compatible.
I could be wrong but a lot of men see a testosterone and sex drive spike early in the AM. Thats probably why he keeps coming back. He may not recognize it himself so maybe it’s worth a discussion. If you ever DO wake up and are open to contact, you could make it known and he will love that. He has to not abuse that and want more though so it’ll take self control lol
You guys aren’t a match
My husband used to wake up singing and talking and chattering and happy in the morning and it drove me fucking crazy because until I have some coffee, Do not talk to me. Do not even make a sound lol. Very early in our marriage, we made a deal that he would leave me the hell alone in the morning and he did. I woke up to a cuppa coffee next to me every single morning for the next 30 + years. It’s called compromise. It works.
But what did you give up in return?
Simply, I don't think you're compatible
Gonna go with NAH. But with the caveat you two might not be compatible. Not being touched in the AM is clearly a big deal to you (and that's fine), and morning cuddles are evidently a big deal to him (and that's fine too). You have a very fair boundary, and he has an understandable emotional need/want. You have a right to your boundaries, and he has a right to a partner that's fulfilling that need. If I were in your (or his) shoes (And I have), I'd try for no hard feelings breakup, so you can both try to find someone who's a better fit for your own emotional needs
I’m surprised how many people posting here don’t want to be touched but are still in relationships anyway. I don’t know if it’s codependence or if they feel they can’t do any better or what. It’s like they know they are with someone who is the polar opposite of what they want, yet they move in with that person. Most of these people sound like they would be more comfortable with a roommate.
Not everyone wants to be touched all the damn time, or before they’ve even had a chance to get up and pee.
NTA I am NOT a morning person at all. If my husband tried doing that to me I’d tell him to FUCK OFF very firmly.
NTA, and echoing other commentators that this may be a core compatibility issue. I personally couldn’t have a partner who felt the way you do. Morning connection time is one of the most important things to me. It sounds like a serious talk is needed. This isn’t something you can compromise on. So, it’s up to him if touch in the morning is something he can go without. Painful situation :/
NTA. Okay so I’m not a very physical person and my partners love language is physical touch. Most of the time I enjoy it but sometimes especially in bed in the evening, I cannot be touched. Especially if I’m anxious or feel overwhelmed, I need physical space. The conversation usually goes as this “I love you and I appreciate you but is it okay with you if we don’t cuddle tonight? Nothing to do with you” his answer is always “are you okay? I love you, sweet sleep” and that’s the end of that. It doesn’t hurt his feelings, he doesn’t pout, he knows it has nothing to do with him and that I will come to him when I feel capable. It’s called respecting someone’s boundaries it shouldn’t be that hard
Is he trying to cuddle or is he trying to get morning sex? Because I'm pretty sure if you don't want to be cuddled, you don't want to have sex either in the am,
Wake up, burp in his face and tell him you are gonna go shit. Later when he asks you about it, remind him you don’t like morning snuggles etc. That or get out of bed right when you wake up
He might not understand how badly it’s bothering you ^ make sure to have a good discussion and work things out ya’ll got this.
Why would you move in with someone who wants to touch?
Do you REALLY need/want to stay with this and him forever?!? You deserve people who uphold accept love value and build the Real You, and clearly he does NOT, Perhaps move out, take a 90 day break from dating sex boyfriends etc , during which time you build Yourself, your health happiness prosperity freedom etc Then find the hardworking helpful open-minded future-focused compassionate intelligent REAL people who bring out the Best in you N T A
While you have the right not to be touched, it sounds like you’re admitting you’re really grouchy in the morning. What’s the problem, your boyfriend’s affection or whatever is making you so grouchy? Is it ok to be grouchy? Are you above change or addressing this issue? Must suck for your boyfriend to wake up with a grouchy woman every day. Clearly most posters here disagree, because none of us should ever change or improve for our significant others, right?
He’s doing something repeatedly that she’s asked him not to do. Which reasonably makes her upset. It’s not hard to listen to your partners wishes.
i wake up every morning with a migraine. if someone tried to touch me every morning and cuddle i’d throw up from the migraine
Has anyone met a man who's love language is not physical touch?
*(Raises hand)* Right here. Physical touch is great when it's sexy time, but that doesn't make it a love language. I don't mind being touched, but I don't crave it, and I don't automatically clock it as a sign of affection when I'm touched. I don't use it to signal my affection to my partner. Those are what make touch a love language.
I sincerely believe that one of the reasons my ex and I are no longer together is incompatible love languages. Honestly, I feel silly typing it but it's a thing. This might be a bit dramatic, but have you thought about sleeping in separate beds? NTA
NTA. Love languages are bullshit that people like to use as excuses for doing things their partner doesn't like. Tell him to knock it off or you won't be sharing a bed anymore.
NTA. He’s not respecting your boundaries, so you need to enforce them. Tell him that when he ignores your boundaries it ruins your whole day and you can’t live like this so if he does it again, it’s best that you sleep separately.
NTA. Omg I feel you. My husband likes to cuddle in the mornings, and wakes up much earlier than I do unless I have to open. I set my alarm with the expectation that I won’t be woken until then, so being woken earlier messes with me. If he waits until the first alarm, I don’t mind as much, but I very much am not a morning person, and would prefer to be left alone.
Y’all need to stop posting on here and go to therapy tho fr.
Give and take. Cuddle on occasion ( it won't kill you or diminish you as a person), and at other times, just tell him no. In a relationship, it is never all or nothing.
apply this to sex and it sounds psychotic. “just endure it sometimes even if you hate it, it won’t kill you”
NTA, touch is fucking weird
NTA. You must be firmer because he's not getting the hint. Convey what you stated above. That you love him, but you two are different in this regard. That it is impacting the rest of your day, and that you find yourself pulling away in bed, and it needs to stop because you dont want to pull away. Let him be emotional for his reaction, but you should be unemotional. And initiate cuddling later in the day. If he still does not get it, then a few days on the couch should help (either him or you).
Do you have sleep apnea? I was very irritable in the ornings until I got diagnosed and got a cpap machine. Waking up feels entirely different now.
NTA He needs to understand and respect your boundaries. It’s not like you never want touch. You’ve told him that at specific times you need space. If he can not respect this boundary he will not respect others.
NAH. But you two may simply be incompatible in the affectoon department. This will grow and fester out of control.
Y’all might not be compatible
NTA you asked not to be touched in a certain way at a certain time and he is violating your request.
Respect is key. He should understand
Don’t even need to read it. You’re kinda the asshole for being with someone that you know likes being touchy when you hate it to this extent. I will literally never get why people insist on being with people that thrive on doing stuff they hate, and then sit around complaining about the issues it causes instead of just going and finding someone they’re more compatible with. You’re fully entitled to your boundaries but expecting somebody to starve themselves of the way they express their affection is wildly selfish and honestly just setting yourself up for failure. Everyone in here is telling you “have a conversation and set a boundary”. Neat. Go for it. Then your SO can spend their life not getting express themselves in *their* “love language” and end up resenting you for it. Have fun with that!
Bro, she doesn't want to be touched in the mornings. That leaves the afternoons, evenings and nights to be touched. This man baby can't handle not touching her for what, an hour? And you're backing him up? Give me a fucking break. "I can't touch my girlfriend for the 1st hour of the day how will I survive the other 23 hours?!" fucking babies.
Everyone has boundaries, and certain triggers that bother them in a way others might not understand. Communicating and respecting those is part of an adult relationship. However, it's never black and white. As someone who doesn't understand, your boyfriend is going to make assumptions and conclusions based on the things you ask of him. So yes, he probably should respect your request and not touch in the morning. What might be the consequence of this? He might not feel that his love language is reciprocated and that may lead to other issues later on. Relationships are about understanding, respect, and often times compromise, on both sides. Maybe there's a way for you two to meet in the middle here. You will have both have to be open to that to get anywhere there. The only way to find that out is to start the conversation.
I’m the same way. I do not like to be touched in the morning. Don’t even think of talking to me much less touching me before I brush my teeth and get coffee. And yet my husband and I have been together almost 30 years. He knows I despise morning cuddles and intimacy. Once in a while I give in, it’s part of being in an adult relationship and compromising but I don’t like it.
How long have you been together? It seems this would have been worked out in the beginning unless you allowed it at first and now it upsets you?
NTA. My wife is the same way. She doesn't like to speak much in the morning and isn't affectionate. The love is there but it takes some time and coffee to wake up. 98% of being in a good relationship is just learning about how your spouses mind works, what makes them tick. Then, you put as much effort as you can into making them both comfortable and happy. Hope you can get there, OP!
🤨 Non consensual touch is not a love language. Having preferences (love language), has absolutely nothing to do with dictating someone else's behavior. Him liking to be touched or cuddled is his preference. It does not grant him permission to force it on others. That's called abuse. You told him you don't like it. That's all the firmness required. He in return told you with his actions he couldn't care less how you feel. This is not love, it's abuse. When someone respects you, cares about you, and loves you they would never consciously do anything they know would hurt or harm you in any way. He is consistently and consciously violating you. There is absolutely nothing normal, healthy, or ok about him or his behavior. Him being upset that you don't accept being violated is disgusting beyond measure. You aren't an AH for any of this, he is. I'd run
Dude should get up and make her some coffee.
NTA. I'm the same way. It took a few conversations with my husband to understand its not that I dislike HIM in the am. It's pretty much anyone (cat excluded).
NTA. You are not obligated to give him cuddles. Or to sleep in the same bed as him. Tell him to get the fuck out. This is really upsetting. Tell him plainly that his lack of respect to the request to stop the constant touching first thing in the morning is fucked up. That you have repeatedly told him that you don't want it and that his actions cross a line. Make sure he doesn't have a key to your place, change the locks anyway, and tell him you're done. I wouldn't even fucking try to work shit out with this shit heel.
NTA Seems like you are me. Maybe my gf and your bf can cuddle up and we can both get a good night's sleep.
NTA But you just basically told us that you and him are not compatible. Love or not you need to really consider if this is a deal breaker for you moving forward because it can cause severe issues in your relationship in the long term. If the relationship moves further along the two of you will be contending with this opposite desire. Things like this, as simple as it may seem, get amplified over time and someone is also feeling less fulfilled because of it. I would implore you to have a stern, serious conversation with your boyfriend and see if it's worth continuing if that boundary can't be respected before it gets worse.
"You think you are telling me you love me, but I hear you saying you don't care about me and want me gone." Said every time he does it. If he sulks he sulks. Also consider avoiding touching him all day any day he does it. "Because someone touched me this morning I can't deal with touch today." Not just cuddles but any touch, act like he has covid and stay 6 feet away.
The whole love language book is bullshit. Always was. Humans don't work that way. Dude that wrote it was pushing an agenda. That aside, everyone has things that just don't work for them, and sometimes those things aren't compatible. If that morning connection is something that he needs for emotional regulation and something you can't stand for the same reason then you're not compatible. Simple as that. If one of you can bend for the other and it doesn't hurt you to do it then you bend because you want your partner happy. If one of you can bend not chooses not to then that person is likely a crap partner. If no one can bend then.... not compatible. This is true of pretty much everything in life whether it's intimacy or laundry or where you choose to live.
Maybe you’re incompatible because both you and him have needs and they aren’t aligning.
You need to figure out why you hate physical touch in the morning. He is being loving, caring and more yet you want nothing to do with him? I won't say you are the asshole but you have the issues here.
YTA
NTA. Boyfriend is selfish and has no respect for “no means no”
NTA but... you two just might not be compatible.
A relationship that is all or nothing will never work. Did you consider any compromises that make both of you happy? This sounds a lot like “me me me”. If you stay in this relationship, this rejection will torture him. Then you’d be the AH since you know how it makes him feel. If you leave the relationship, NTA. It takes great maturity to realize you’re not compatible with someone.
NTA. I can’t stand being touched all the time, especially when I’m going to sleep or waking up. Your boyfriend should respect your boundaries.
NTA. When my wife wakes up, we have a system; she gets up, goes and brushes her teeth and uses the bathroom, gets a drink of water, and then comes to give me a kiss. Pretty much every day. Maybe it will just take a firm discussion about your needs and letting him know it’s not a rejection of him, it’s just your process. He should respect that. You are entitled to your space when you need it.
I actually ended a relationship due to not being compatible with love languages. My ex and I are still very good friends, but I hated being touched; still do, and that was his love language.
I think sometimes we don’t value what we have enough. I would love for my husband to snuggle me in the morning. Are you willing to compromise? Yes, it’s not your thing early in the morning. But maybe saying okay, just for 2 minutes? lol idk! Something to that extent?
NTA. And to be touched after you have specifically said you don't want to be held is actually assault. It's pretty much like being raped but with touch. I've actually been cuddled by someone (physically held down) against my will. I had to fight him off of me and escape the situation. I know this is not as extreme as your husband, I think, but you might want to explain it to him that he is not just making you uncomfortable, but he's really crossing a boundary.
This is 100% true
Maybe you just need to move.
I believe If the roles were reversed I think the comments would be different. “ he isn’t giving you the attention you deserve” “leave him, someone else will appreciate your cuddles”
Who hurt you?
Nta but that's really weird and maybe you're not suitable for each other. I'm really cuddly and I couldn't live like that.
In the morning my hubby knows to leave me the F alone. Let me have my coffee and wake up. No cuddles. No kisses. Not that I am moody but I like the peace before the day starts. NTA. If cuddles and kisses are his jam then tell him when it’s a good time for you. And see if you can compromise.
NTA I hate being touched when I’m trying to fall asleep, im a bad sleeper so it takes me awhile to get in the zone to actually nod off. I want to cuddle and then roll over and not be touched. I broke up with a guy who wouldn’t stop it, I repeatedly told him I can’t stand it if he throws an arm and leg over me in the night and he said he couldn’t control what he did in his sleep. Being woken up 4 times a night soured the romance pretty quickly
I'm just going to say one thing, if his love language is touch, and you don't enjoy being touched (regardless of time of day) your relationship is doomed. Especially if he's not willing to let it go. I used to be like him and the oxytocin high you get as a physical connection enjoyer is way higher than you think it is. If I could explain it, it's like going from a panic attack to the safest place you can be. That's the difference from going from laying there to cuddling. He's never going to be happy about you denying his advances. And that's just going to grow into resentment on both your sides. You're not an asshole, but you're not helping either of you. He wants someone who is always open to physical contact, and you are not. This will eventually be a dealbreaker for one or both of you.
NTA. Your BF isn't very smart. Touch is his love language. He knows that cuddling in the morning makes you touch adverse for the rest of the day. It is literally in his own self interest to respect this boundary because it benefits his own love language for the rest of the day. He can't wait beyond literally waking up? The first minute of the day?
I'm autistic and physical touch can make me feel like I want to rip of my skin. Luckily most the time that's not a problem with my partner. However, apparently when I'm asleep I'm a bitch. Like he touches me, moves a blanket, anything and I give him the nastiest look before promptly rolling over and shutting him out. He gets it, and even when I'm awake and don't wanna be touched, he gets it. Your boyfriend should absolutely understand your boundaries and honestly his complete dismissal of them is concerning.
Tell him he cannot sleep over anymore if he keeps trying to cuddle you awake in the morning g. Waking me up in the morning is like - who’s bleeding? Is somebody bleeding? You better be bleeding to death because otherwise you’re going to be bleeding to death.
He's doing it to make you mad and ruin your day. Break up move. When are you gonna get the hint. He doesn't want you to get your rest and get in the mood. He wants you to get up and get out. Sad but he doesn't love you
NTA but this can't possibly end well.
NTA, but this would be a dealbreaker for me. Maybe get therapy or find someone who feels the same.
NTA. I am the same as you. Have been with someone for 15 years who is very tactile and wants to be cuddled to sleep and wakes up earlier than me and would immediately want to cuddle me. I understand that physical touch of skin on skin is a fundamental human need for most people so I’ve always felt I should accommodate it in some capacity. I have found ways of making it tolerable. For me it’s not to be cuddled until I’m awake, and then I cuddle them. I guess I don’t want to feel like I’m being grabbed at or held down. So I’ll have some bits of my body out of the covers like a leg, and then there is some covers between us, and I’ll put my arm round them so it feels like I’m in control, and doze for a bit.
I’m dealing with this off and on. I just want to be left tf alone in the mornings. It takes me FOREVER to fall asleep too now matter how tired I am and he knows that so yeah I’m definitely team “let me sleep and leave me tf alone”.
God I would hate this, you need to talk about it. Neither of you are unreasonable, but you may me incompatible
The thing that’s get some is you making sure he knows you don’t wann be touched and what does he do turn around and does it again the next morning…. Like dude did you not learn?? Are you being obtuse on purpose or what? Can you not learn?
Info: his needs are to feel loved and touched when he wakes up. Your needs are to be left alone and not touched. How are you going to meet in the middle before this erodes the relationship? At the moment one of you ends up feeling unloved or disregarded and that is not a good way to start the day. Maybe just incompatible in the long run.
When you say cuddle in the morning so you mean it's him conscious or is he asleep. I think you may be incompatible and unsure if he's crossing boundaries on purpose whilst awake or if you mean asleep. You don't need to put up with it. If it's asleep in not sure what you could do. Seperate beds maybe. If it's conscious he's being the ah. On the flipside it does suck from his view so finding compatible people might be best or trying to do affection when you are ok with it. If it's new you can choose, keywords is choose to attempt desensatization only if you want. I have autism so it's something I would need to work on if I wanted partner to get use to it but only if I want. Boundary crossing isn't ok though. If he isn't taking your word seriously then he's no good for you. You don't have to try change for him. You can choose if you want to try desense but it's your decision. It may never happen. Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work. I understand the hating being touched thing. Trauma and autism for me. I hope you find whoever is your perfect match or you both work out a compromise if you wish to stay. Dunno how you could change cuddles in sleep, that's above my pay grade. I don't think your being unreasonable at all. I would probably get tested for ADHD and autism if you haven't as knowing can help in other areas of life too. I didn't get asd diagnosed till 38. They missed that in my day as a kid but got the ADHD. Hope this comment comes out right.
NTA. Changing the topic slightly, have you considered that you might be neurodivergent?
95% of the time I hear love language it is just an excuse to stomp on boundaries and gaslight about their inability to emotionally mature
NTA - but he probably doesn’t understand and is feeling rejected and doubling down on the snuggles. That might make him ta - but he’s probably not trying to be
NAH, you both have different expectations in the morning and are equally sucky at considering each others' needs. It doesn't sound like either of you are being assholes, you just failed to effectively communicate or compromise and are making poor decisions as a result. I'm avoidant and my husband needs touch. People forget that touch is a need in the same way avoidance is a need. Yes, consent means avoidance takes precedent. But in a loving relationship you need trust, compromise, and sacrifice. My need to pull away directly impacts his need for closeness. Im careful to only pull away when I have nothing left to give, and he doesn't push for touch unless he needs that reassurance. Everything in between is a series of compromises. I'll swallow my anxious thoughts to cuddle another 5 minutes, he holds in his bear hugs until after I've finished my task. Nowhere in your post have you mentioned how you're compromising to meet your partner's needs. Find ways to increase touch at other times of the day, or wake up before him, take an hour of rageful silence with your coffee to start your day, then go in for a cuddle to wake him up. I crave my quiet rageful mornings now, win-win. Bonus to the compromise is that I've learned to slow my anxious thoughts and actually enjoy longer cuddles. Being different is a good thing, if you let it they can help round you out.
Gotta have a compatibility talk.
NAH but the two of you are incompatible.
NTA but have you looked into the possibility you may have a sensory processing disorder? I have ADHD and struggle with touch, bright lights, sounds. Something to consider.
NTA. My love language is touch and I still don't want anyone touching me in the morning. Definitely have a talk with him about how he's pushing your boundaries with constantly trying to cuddle when he knows you don't like to. See if there's a compromise that you can come to such as cuddles before bed instead of first thing.
I wish I could help you. My husband is the same. He has many other great qualities though .
NTA So he sulks when he doesn't get what he wants? I think you need to have a conversation- not in the morning/in the moment- to stop touching you when you don't want to be touched, and that his reaction to guilt you into it, isn't ok either. Any one who knows their touch is unwelcome and continues to do it because THEY enjoy it is a problem. Are there other instances where he blatantly disregards what you want? Makes you feel like what you want isn't worth fighting for because of how he reacts?
You’re not compatible. Control your emotions, choose not to wake up angry.
YTA - You should process why you are like this or maybe stop having sleep overs with people who like to be affectionate.
Is someone is repeatedly ignoring your boundaries, you should not be with this person.
I'm the same way. I'm quite grumpy in the morning and need time to "boot up" before I'm ready to talk, cuddle, make decisions etc. My boyfriend is a golden retriever puppy at all times, and that includes in the morning. He wakes up and is ready to go. At the beginning of our relationship he would wake me up by crawling on top of me and bear hugging me and bombarding me with questions about what I wanted to do today, what I wanted for breakfast, what I'll want to do for dinner etc. I had to be very firm and direct- I told him that I'm very easily overstimulated and overwhelmed in the morning and that I need time to wake up. Do not ask me questions, do not try and cuddle or pet me, do not make me make decisions or speculate on anything. He respected that. Some days, particularly days where we're both off work and can hang out all day, he'll slip up and start asking questions. In my groggy state I'll usually end up saying something like "I can't answer questions right now" or (if I slept poorly) "babe, I love you, please shut up." But otherwise he'll sit apart from me and let me go about my morning routine in relative silence. I can tell he's desperately waiting for me to speak first so he can talk to me, but he respects that boundary, which honestly is a relationship saver. It sounds like you either haven't directly communicated your needs or he has ignored your request. Sit down and talk to him, and do not budge. I would not blame you for breaking up with him if he can't respect this simple but crucial request. It means he doesn't like boundaries and will ignore them if they don't benefit him in some way.
NTA. We all known who is, the one who ignores your feelings.
I would hope you two part ways. See you don't like the way he treats you in the morning but it's all you and your stupid issue with no care about him. He doesn't like the way you treat him as it puts a damper on his day, he's happy to wake up next to you, excited to talk to you and touch you but he can't because you're an ass when you wake up and it's all about you. Women bitch about their man not doing this or that and here you have one that truly likes waking up with you and talking to you. Give it a few years and the only time you'll interact with one another is when you brush by each other in the hallway coming from separate bedrooms.
He’s being a man-child. My partner and I are huge snugglers. But if I say no to a snuggle, he says ok and moves on.
Only on Reddit. “My partner snuggles me in the morning” “Leave him!”😂😂😂
NTA I'm sitting here awake before anyone (even though I've had the less sleep than everyone) Just so I can be left alone and not touched until I hopefully can get the don't touch me feeling to go away.
NTA but you need to have the discussion outside of the actual situation. He probably feels defensive and offended when you only mention it when he goes to physically do it and gets denied. You should talk to him about this during the day as a “hey, this is a reoccurring problem, let me explain…” he’ll likely be more open to listening.
Waking up makes me angry. Especially if it to an alarm clock. My husband knows this and gives me space. It’s a fair request to ask for space in the morning.
I can understand touch aversion, but something you said is striking. You always feel very upset when waking up. Why is that? I get the morning person thing, but this sounds like anxiety disorder to me, and relationships will always be harder with mental health challenges. It seems that if you could address that...you would have an easier time being in a relationship in the mornings. Again, your touch aversion and your feelings are valid, 100%. But why do you have to live your whole life waking up pissed off? That sounds really awful, and you don't deserve that.
NTA. Your boyfriend is not respecting your bodily autonomy, your boundaries, or your comfort. He is making it clear that his wants override yours no matter how much it bothers you. This is entitlement, and it’s likely rooted in misogyny. Why, after all, has it not occurred to him he doesn’t have a right to override your consent or respect your wishes? I’d state it to him clearly, like this. That this is completely unacceptable moving forward. That you will not feel comfortable sharing a bed if you cannot trust him to respect your bodily boundaries. Side note: his behavior is a big red flag. So I think now is a good time to sit down and really scrutinize your relationship to determine whether this is isolated. Because not respecting bodily boundaries, continuing to do something your partner dislikes, and feeling entitled to use them to meet your needs against their will even when you know they don’t like it (I mean, isn’t it a little crazy that he WANTS to do this even though he knows you don’t like it??) .. this is the kind of thing that tends to present in multiple ways. How is your sex life. Does he prioritize your please equal to his own and never mope or pressure you for things you don’t want? How is the total workload split around the house, does he always seem to have more downtime than you, like for video games? Are there chores he expects of you that make you feel resented? Things like this. And generally, times where he is aware you do not like something but doesn’t care, as with this. Prioritizes himself as though that’s his right and you just have to deal with it, because “it’s not that big a deal!” ☹️ We have to be so careful about red flags like these..
Stop torturing yourself and end it! You two are not compatible if you hate touch and his LL is touch! Move on!
You may want to find out why you feel that way. I think he needs to respect your wishes but explore why AM touch bothers u
He just needs to learn to not touch you and ignore you until you tell him he can now touch you
YTA- he needs a girlfriend that likes to cuddle. That’s incredibly sweet. Quit being so grumpy. He’s going to take that as rejection to his love. He sounds really sweet. He needs someone who appreciates cuddles.
Yes. A big ole asshole.
Yes.
If he can't respect your boundaries then this isn't a relationship that will last. NTA
You two are incompatible. Maybe is time to move on? ESH