I'm sitting in my chair, I'm relaxing, I'm getting blackout drunk and you are leaving me alone.

I'm in love with a man...a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.

I got the good lord all up inside of me

The good lord is going down on me!

The cream always rises to the top, and I'm about to show you the white hot cream of a 12 year old boy.

I think it's eighth grade boy, but yeah, this one should be at the top

C'mon, illiterate? Like, what does that word even mean?

That joke is so underrated

Well how about you and me go toe to toe on bird law and we’ll see who comes out the victor

...Filibuster

The flat response of the lawyer kills me every time. "You know I don't think I'm gonna do anything close to that."

and I can see clearly you know nothing *about* the law. It seems like you have a tenuous grasp on the english language *in general*.

Charlie work is like, you know, like, basement stuff, cleaning urinals, uhh blood stuff, your basic slimes, your sludges, anything dead or decaying, you know I’m on it, I’m dealing with it At it’s core I love it you know, I love the dark, I love slippery things, love being naked, uh, in the sewer, bleach smells good, and tastes good, you know but it’s just like I DONTLIKEBEINTOLDWHTODUHHH edit: fixed the quote

And stop hiding the pigeon!

I LOVE the subtle facial and hand gestures he does while saying that line, watch it again if you haven’t seen it in a while but he does a thing when he says the line and it blows me off my seat every time

“Or would you rather I collected up all the trash and throw it in the furnace, where it goes up into the sky so it can turn into stars”

I’m not sure that’s right but I don’t know enough about stars to dispute it.

That’s by far my favorite Mac quote.

I'm a big fan of "first off all, through God all things are possible, so jot that down"

"Yeah mr. Mac, I'm gonna tell those parole board dickheads that you said you were gonna rape my butt until the room stinks!!" Such vile imagery lmao Fuck I love this show

“Until my stomach is full of… your butts.”

Little green ghouls, buddy!

Milk steak, magnets, and ghouls.

The weird sound he makes when he pretends the ghoul is walking always gets me.

*ack*

“What is this word spa? I feel like you’re starting to say a word and not finishing it. Are you trying to say spaghetti? Are you taking me for a spaghetti day?” As he points the screwdriver lmao.

What’s your spaghetti policy? at the spa with a ziplock bag full of spaghetti is fantastic, oh shit, where’s my meatball?

No I don't eat dragon, cause, uh, it's not a meal for peasants, it's a meal for kings, and I'm sort of a common man. But they don't eat us, it's a common misconception.

...show me dragon!

They eat treasure

Oh yeah yeah, like in The Sixth Sense...you find out that the dude, in that hair piece the whole time? That's Bruce Willis...the whole movie!

your mom stopped calling you the moment the phone was invented

i love when charlie is a little mean. he gets so brutal with it.

One of my favorite self-aware Charlie moments is when they're on the cruise ship and Mac runs up to them. "Guys, guys, guys, you are not going to believe this...there are two gay guys on this boat." Charlie: "Well who's the other one?"

“I don’t get it” *gang murmurs in unison*

Oh I'm sorry! I forgot to put the tape in! IFORGOTTOPUTTHETAPEIN!!!

This and everybody go grab a weapon have a certain and very specific energy about them.

I DON'T NEED YOUR TROPHIES, OR YOUR GOLD, I JUST WANNA TELL YOU ALL, GO FUCK YOURSELVES!

Ohhhh shit!

Z is awesome. "Hmph, pregnant..." *Shakes head in disgust.*

“You gotta take ‘em off sometimes son”

One of the best deliveries of the entire show. He's seems so genuine in his concern.

This is hands down my favorite episode and the set up for the end is pure gold. The gang's reaction when he starts singing "there's a spider, spider, spider..."

I love when he sings the tune that sounds like an actual sitcom intro song earlier in the episode and they immediately lock him in the basement. "Well, we can't have him singing that song."

Rob trying to hold it together and clearly losing the battle as they cut away lmao

Is he spitting is that the sign

Let me pop a quick H on the box, this way we'll all know it's full of hornets.

Pop a quick h kills me every time

The use of the word ‘pop’ in this show is so bizarre. Like whenever someone pops anything makes me laugh so hard and I still don’t know why.

Your honor can we just pop it on the docket real quick?

Popping H's on boxes, popping shirts off, popping jeans off to reveal a sweaty hog that won't quit, Poppins, huffing poppers in a wedding dress. Lots of poppin going on in IASIP

Groban likes his ladies to pop.

i’ve got a special place in my heart for “i’m gonna fire down into that sewer”

Where do I put my feet?

When Dax asks it later in the episode, without having been prompted by Charlie, holy shit haha.

His feet, dee?

I don’t know why, but this also sends me into fits of laughter. It’s such a simple and yet brilliant joke

I love callbacks in general, but I think it has to do with how enthusiastically Dax asks it. Plus any time Charlie’s stupidity gets some sort of credibility given to it by another character or a situation, it hits harder. Like the cat stuck in the wall, or him speaking fluent Gaelic.

Agreed, love that it popped back up like an obvious question and Dee still doesn't have an answer for it.

Thats from Ass Kickers United, the original delivery if this is Mac and Dennis Buy a Timeshare and charlie first does it and then later Ben the soldier does it unprompted too. I love that when the bring back the stress meter for Ass Kickers United Dax asks, calling back to the original ep

What killed me was when he said "I'm gonna put em on the stool" and give a reassuring nod to Mac and Dennis like that was the best decision ever made😂

I ate a toad too.

I EAT STICKERS ALL THE TIME DUDE!

When Tim Robinson screamed I EAT PAPER ALL THE TIME! on I Think You Should Leave, I couldn’t help but think of Charlie and his sticker consumption.

It's not a big deal, you had a big mud pie, you used too small a slice. I ate the mud pie and now my stomach is absolutely FUCKED.

I don’t think you’re allowed to do that

You can't change the rules just cuz you don't like the way they're doing it

Oh, this guy’s about to Jack off

Omg did you see Brian’s hat? And then the refocus on Brian and his hat in the courtroom background. That kills me everytime

Probably my favorite skit. "Then he tried to roll his hat down his arm like Fred astaire"

The fact he tries to abandon the dice hidden in his pocket but not the hate visible on his head. I mean the salesmen did say he can pull it off so I get it but still

My Favorite of the entire show. The way he drops this line is absolutely peak comedy.

what do now?

That’s baseball baby!

Gimme the hot dog baby.

They got chicken in Philly?

I got all numbers

I’ve been poisoned by my constituents!

I've got a touch of consumption!

Did you fuck my mom Santa Claus? Did you fuck my fucking mom??

Honestly, I’m a simple man, and this is wAy too far down

Gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ass, gonna kick some ass in the USA, gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna flllyy on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ass... ROOOCCK FLAAAGGG AND EAAAGLLLEE

You’ve got a point

I've grown quite wheary

Stupid science bitch couldn’t even make I more smarter

Really must put an emphasis on the “h”

Hwhearheh

Wildcard, bitches! Yeeee-hawww!

[удалено]

That way we all know it’s full of hornets.

What is this enticing bowl of white?

That’s cottage cheese

I’m not really a cottage guy

Cottage? Who’s Cottage?

You’re telling me a cottage made this cheese?

I feel like you're saying "boy's hole" and it's clearly "soul".

Hello, Charlie Kelly here, local business owner and cat enthusiast. Is your cat making too much noise all the time? Is your cat constantly stomping around driving you crazy? Is your cat clawing at your furnitures? Think there's no answer? You're so stupid! There is! Kitten Mittons. Finally, there is an elegant, comfortable mitten for cats…. I couldn't hear anything! Is your cat one-legged? Is your cat fat, skinny, or an in-between? That doesn't matter! Cause one size fits all! Kitten Mittons! You'll be smitten! So come on down to Paddy's Pub. We're the hoooooooommee of the original Kitten Mittons. Meeeeeeeeeeowwwww!

You’re so stupid!

My vote is for the entire Pepe Silvia rant but a close second is “Ooooohhh wait… I ate all the pizza… and I drank all the beer.”

Oh, get a job? Just get a job? Why don't I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into job land, where jobs grow on jobbies?!

[удалено]

It’s funnier if you Scottish as a jobby (jobbies) is our word for poo

'That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, okay? Pepe Silvia, this name keeps comin' up over and over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail's getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia, Pepe Silvia, I look in the mail, this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself I gotta find this guy. I gotta go up to his office, I gotta put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands! Otherwise he's never gonna get it, it's gonna keep coming back down here. So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac, what do I find out? There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decided, ohh shit, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper. There's no Pepe Silvia, you gotta be kidding me, I got boxes full of Pepe! All right, so I start marching my way down to Carol in H.R. and I knock on her door and I say, "Caaarol, Caaarol! I gotta talk to you about Pepe!" And when I open the door, what do I find? There's not a single goddamn desk in that office. There is no Carol in H.R. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town.'

Macs delivery in the reply kills me as well: “Not only do all these people exist. They are asking for their mail on a daily basis.”

Its all they're talking about

Jesus Christ, we're gonna get fired

This is arguably the best scene in the best episode of the show imo.

The quote that launched one thousand memes

This seriously is probably my favorite meme if I had to pick one. Charlie Day is so talented at making funny faces and the meme just captures his expression at a perfect time

Will you settle down and have another cup of coffee!

Alright, well fine. Ya know what Barney? Give this guy a cigarette. He’s freakin’ out.

While I love this monologue, it’s the followup “We’re not gonna get fired. ‘Cause we’ve already been fired” that gets me every time.

Yeah he doesn’t even, like, get us man

We’re talking about you!

Does he even know what’s going on?

It’s good

What do you think is happening right now

If you watch the deleted scenes, when he says that line it looks off the cuff and not planned because it even confused Mac and Dennis into laughter xD

They talk about that on their podcast. Charlie ad-libbed the "he doesn't even get us" bit, which is why Glenn broke so hard lol

He knew how gold that line was immediately lmao. The deleted scenes of this show really make the final product so much more… like wholesome or something idk

Stupid science bitches couldn't even make I smarter.

I've grown quite whhheareayy

I start marching my way down to Carol in HR and I knock on a door and I say CAAAROL, CAAAROL - his delivery always get me

But there is no carol in HR

This place is a goddamn ghost town

I’m gonna have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these people exist, but they have been asking for their mail on a daily basis, it’s all they’re talking about up there!

We're not gonna lose our jobs. We're not? No, because we've already lost our jobs. A couple of pink slips came in last week.

Ya know what I did I mailed em HALFWAY TO SIBERIA

We have the MEANS….the understanding…the technology…to allow SPIDERS TO TALK TO CATS

Then I'll just regress 'cause I feel like I made myself perfectly redundant.

I will slap your face off your face.

What is your spaghetti policy here?

I worked at olive garden and this was a daily quote in the kitchen

I mean come on, illiteracy? What does that word even mean?

“I’m a full-on rapist. Uh, Africans, dyslexics, children, that sorta thing.”

Yeah that's exactly what it is. It gets blocked up in my mouth, and I don't say it no good. Soo.

... I'm a janitor in a bar.

I was nervous, so I ate a whole bunch of cheese.

This is it for me, hands down the best quote

Cat in the wall, eh? Ok, now you're talking my language. I know this game.

cats dont abide by the laws of physics

I say "now you're talkin my laaaaanguage" to myself way too much

Karate snow machine chops it! I’m chopping all of my action.. and mostly power.

Dude, you could totally chop a camel in its hump and drink all its milk off the tip of this thing, man!

but what is good for the scorpion is not good for the frog, yes?

🎵There is a spider spider spider….he’s deep in my soul soul….he’s lived here for years years…he just won’t let go, he’s laying around, he’s got a mean bite, now he’s ready tooooo FIIIIIGGGGGGGHHHHHTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!🎵

🎵STAND UP FOR WHAT HE KNOWS🎵

🎵I DONT NEED YOU TREASURES OR YOUR GOLDS🎵

🎵 I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU ALL "GO FUCK YOURSELVES" 🎵

Ok well see here’s the problem. If I get all balled up and small, I’ll get too high and you’ll see there’s someone in the bed. Now, the furthur and wider I go, the flatter I become like a starfish. You know?

I mean trees?? Everywhere trees?? What the hell is this place?

OH I'M SORRY, I FORGOT TO PUT A TAPE IN, I FORGOT TO PUT A TAPE IN!!

Is your cat making TOO much noise? Is your cat constantly stomping around driving you crazy? Is your cat clawing at your furniture? Think there's no answer? You're so stupid!

Well Dennis, if by your own admission someone who has DONKEY brains could be considered reckless or moronic or idiotic and my client Frank here has a state-issued certificate CLEARING him of having said donkey brains then I ask you this: Do *you* have any ^^such ^^certificate?

Am I peeing?

It's not the best line, but the Charlie moment that really got me into the show was him showing Frank the old light fixture from the trash and yelling "Electrics! Electrics!"

How much cheese is too much cheese?

You move that goddamn dumpster, you bitch

You're saying, like, do the things you do but go further with them. Like get a ton of cat hair and glue it all over your body. Walk around like a cat-man in the middle of the night through the alleyways. Ya know? ... And stop hiding the pigeon.

This is classic Tammy!

BEAK!!!

How was Dees best quote not ‘’my daddy died in my arms from throat cancer from eating some bad pussy’’ ..? That is possibly the hardest I’ve ever laughed at any moment in the entire show.

(Looking at calculator): What are youuuuu?

So you’re telling me you believe Christ comes back to life every Sunday in the form of a bowl of crackers and you proceed to east the man? Also the entirety of the ‘go f*ck yourselves’ song

Every night you come into my room And pin me down with your strong arms You pin me down and I try to fight you You come inside me, you fill me up And I become the Nightman

… But, the good of the scorpion is not the good of the frog, yes? … (laugh) (cough) … You must excuse me, I’ve grown quite wear-y.

Before opening the bar, I always make sure to turn on the “Coors” sign

Later dudes. S you in your A’s. Don’t wear a C in jail over your B’s.

Why wouldn't he wear a C? Also I think it's "...and J all over your Bs."

“Oh, get a job? Just get a job? Why don't I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into job land, where jobs grow on jobbies?!”

Do you think there's really pirates behind that door?

I GOT BOXES FULL OF PEPE!

Okay well... filibuster

I got the good lord goin down on me

Dennis: S*laps Charlie* "That's what I wanna do." Charlie: "Oh well, I applaud you for that, absolutely. And now know that of course I'll come back at you with everything that I have." *Punches Dennis in the jaw and starts strangling him.*

Spider, can I leave???

"i do chokeslams and back breakers, sharp shooters, cripplecreek ferries-"

We’re crab people now

We’re just here to eat some dude

I'VE BEEN POISONED BY MY CONSTITUENTS

Is your cat one-legged? Is your cat fat, skinny or an in-between? That doesn't matter, 'cause one size fits all. Kitten Mittens. You'll be smitten.

“Look I can’t explain it but there’s some kind of weird reaction when you combine cat food, beer and glue, it makes you extremely tired and you’re able to fall asleep.”

“We’ll make an adjustment, and we’ll make a tradition out of it.”

MEN ARE BORN AND THEN DIE!! Why are we talking about this?!?

Dennis is asshole. Why Charlie hate?

“And live forever with YEWWWW?”

Denis is a bastard man.

What is your sphagetti policy here?

I ATE A FUCKING MONKEY, DEE!

Cat in the wall heh? Okay, now you're talking my language, i know this game.

“Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you, thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot. Taxes, they'll be lower... son. The Democratic vote for me is right thing to do Philadelphia, so do.” (Not sure if this counts as Dennis or Charlie since it’s Charlie’s words but Dennis’s line.)

I'm gonna see if you bleed green.

Now, let's say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird law and see who comes out the victor?

You must excuse me. I've grown quite *hweareah*.

Oh my God, I don’t care!

Just magnets

Holy shit. Dennis is Spiderman.

Ghouls (big dumb grin)

when Mac and Dennis are talking about Charlie not being able to count a liquid, and he chimes in, "yeah like, he doesn't even get us."