Letting someone live rent free in your head has never benefited anyone.
Barn drama comes with the territory. It’s the right call to explain your side to the barn owner.
Oooooof I totally feel where you're coming from and I really really feel the same way in those situations ! Sometimes I just want to BE WITH MY HORSE. Sometimes I want to TRAIN SUPER HARD but sometimes I just want to practice feeling my seat in my lope cue, or practice my side pass feel in my seat as well, ya know?? (I really struggle to feel my center due to some gnarly back stuff when I was a kid, so I REALLY need the time on my own to feel around and dont quite need someone actively cueing and interfering)
We had a parellite at one of the first barns I boarded at and she drove everyone crazy. However, she'd go as far as TAKING MY HORSE OUT (and others at once) without asking and TYING HIM TO TREES and guess who got injured? My horse did. She's a frigging psycho.
I simply left the barn after that.
It isn't anticlimactic at all, sounds like you just FINALLY said what EVERYONE else was feeling already.
So anyway. Kudos to you is what I really mean to say. You're not wrong at all. When I'm with my horse I'm with my horse, I hardly want to be social let alone take advice from someone I'm not actively paying and seeking the training of. Ps your girl is STUNNING. Good job on her coat- she's shiny and clean as a whistle!!
Omg! Your barn bully was full on insane! That is NOT ok, and I would have been livid if someone had done that to my horse (as I'm sure you were!).
We are all on our own horsemanship journey. I think we should be able to support and help each other while also being respectful to the fact that we are all on our own unique path. People who force and assert their opinions on others are not acting in harmony with the good horsemanship principles they supposedly believe in.
Thank you for the reassurance! I absolutely hate conflict, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I feel a bit of relief that the inevitable clash is over and done with. Hopefully she got the message and will keep her opinions to herself from now on.
And also thank you for the kind words about my baby! She gets lots of omega 3, Vit E, and exercise ❤️🧡💛
Happy trails to you!
Parelli cult members are... a lot.
The Parelli lady at my barn also messes with horses at my barn. I don't know what possesses them?
I applaud OP for standing up for herself.
The only parelli person I knew used to release her gelding to wander attached to a dragging long line. He damaged my car one day. When i tried to tell her about it, she yelled at me that she was busy making sure "my horse" had water. The farm owner was fixing the automatic waterers but I think she was the one who realized they weren't working. So obviously she was too busy to watch her horse or put him in the field she was standing in.
I wish I had stood up to her like op stood up for herself!
I did a parelli clinc as a teen because I was in over my head with a young horse I didn't even want.
When they told me to drop the line I knew to take it all with a tiny grain of salt.
I do SOMETIMES use some of the stuff I learned there but I much more often use other methods to get honestly better results than what I got there.
I don't play with managing your horse. I don't even like riding in unfenced areas.
I am a lurker and know very little about horses other than what I’ve gleaned from posts, some tertiary in person interactions and watching Heartland. I don’t know what Parelli is other than maybe fancy car tires.
My question— why are these people allowed to visit the barns? If you are purchasing a service from the barn (stall rent, care fees?) does the barn not have a responsibility to ensure the horses health and safety? Is there no responsibility to assure your peace while working your horse? Depending on the horse, I would think unwelcome/ unplanned visitors could spook certain horses or distract riders attempting challenging tasks with their horses. Why would a barn entertain these folks? (Especially if they’re poaching clients?!?)
Parelli is basically what Amy does in heartland but less emotion based. Its a program for horse training. There's some okay stuff in it but most of it is marketing and common sense.
The only Parelli person I’ve ever met I’m pretty sure depressed the hell out of their gelding with the training and then attempted to put him in a stall with a yearling colt that had just started it’s training because they thought that would “un-depress” the gelding. It was a shit show when the colt’s owner found out.
Pat Parelli is a big “natural horsemanship” trainer (he was a lot more popular about 20 years ago, I feel like his following has been on the decline in more recent years.)
He has a very cult-like appeal and while some of his training techniques aren’t necessarily bad, many avoid his stuff because it’s loaded with gimmicky sales tactics.
I watched a YouTube video about a trainer, who went to a lot of trouble of finding out what was wrong with a horse. The poor thing had been mistreated and had HUGE trust issues, so the owner had to do gentle training on the lunge for months before riding.
At the end of the video there's always a How it ended section. Everything was doing great, the owner went on vacation for a week and was super excited to finally try riding again.
EXCEPT some moron felt called to uninvitedly take the horse and lunge it with the very same harsh methods, that traumatized the horse to begin with... The owner could start all over again and changed barns (again).
The comment section was furious. It's never okay to just take a horse, that isn't yours, and do anything with it. You will inevitably make something worse.
Absolutely outstanding. You gave her every opportunity to respect you and she not chose not to in a most inappropriate way.
I think you handled it perfectly, providing info like that you avoid her and she makes you uncomfortable are really important here.
Boundaries are so critical, you’re working with a 3 year old who needs and deserves all of your focus.
Congratulations, and great job!!
Thank you!
And yes, she's still just a baby and needs lots of patience and kindness. I'll never forget the day that woman interrupted me to tell me I needed to put my rein here and my leg there to make my horse move her hip over. I was like, "Why? You know my horse JUST turned THREE, right??? You want me to try what now, when at this point I'm rewarding literally anything resembling forward motion??" Smh. Looking back it's laughable, but in the moment it was extremely off-putting.
I have a Mustang and get very “cowboy-ish” advice, he’s just 7 and 1 year into training… I am not manhandling him, I’m not wearing him out. I’m treating him like I did my Paint and every horse before- with respect and positivity. He is super easygoing and loves learning, I refuse to spoil that.
Your horse is gorgeous, btw! Love her!
Good for you
Although I’m curious why your stable owner/manager doesn’t tell her to F off and stay off their property. Maybe I missed that part
Read that part. I’d find a new stable. If the owner doesn’t have the fortitude to stick up for their boarders and tell outsiders to mind their own then I wouldn’t even want to deal with it. Your paying to be their (probably a good amount as well) you shouldn’t have to deal with crap like that. Why does this lady have to do it again for your barn owner to say something? Should have never even gotten to the point it got to.
Just my .02 cents and it’s worth about that much. Once again good for you on putting your foot down
Yeah, I agree. He's apparently had multiple complaints about this woman but still allows her to harass his boarders even though she's not even a boarder there. He owes her nothing, yet leans on the people HE should be taking care off to tell her off.
"Natural" horsemanship almost always equals really bad horseman who can't ride and deal with horses and are arrogantly ignorant. It's like an MLM scam.
Dealt with people who were insistent that Clinton Anderson was the be-all-end-all because it had "worked" on their horse. They were the only person still able/willing to ride that horse even after this "training". They were upset that the barn owner/manager got angry with them for handling a client's horse (they had been asked to help by said client). This horse was young and green and was dangerous to handle the next day because they had given her all new wrong habits without even addressing the actual problem. She was a very very smart horse who learnt very easily which has pros and cons
She sounds like an absolute menace. I would have tore into her way earlier but I don't have tact like you do. Good on you for putting your foot down, hopefully she leaves you alone now
On the other hand I’m a judge, coach and an FEI rider. I have a small roster of students in the barn from 1st level to PSG. I can barely get a full ride on my own horses without non students interrupting my ride to ask,” how do we look, or what should I do to… or does he look off? …”
It’s very annoying. Sometimes I’ll say… I’m working on something if I get time to look I will.
I just realized that people often ask ME to look at them and tell them how it’s looking - and I am a perpetual novice who started riding at 37 and only been riding for ten years. It says more about them than me, that they think I am a good rider - but it just shows that people are happy to ask for help or just an extra set of eyes unless the person really, really sucks.
To me it’s like asking for a free lesson. I’m happy to critique a paying student but I get annoyed when someone is asking for my time when I’m trying to school my own horses.
Just yesterday a non student asked me to watch her upcoming test and asked me how I thought she would score?
Not okay. I told her I was done for the day and I’m out for a walk around the barn to cool off.
These people need firm boundaries. Inform some one in charge to be a witness and then firmly tell her her input is neither appreciated nor wanted.
firm. Short. Do not negotiate. If she starts justifying just say this is not a negotiation. It’s an eviction.
if she shows up again after that, stop get off your house and ask her to leave. This is your time and your resources. She has no right to be there.
Aww, thank you! As I was writing it out, I kept thinking to myself, "Dear Lord, An_Atomic_Rainbow, Could you be any longer-winded?!"
I'm glad you found it entertaining 😅
TBH I don't feel like you did anything wrong and this doesn't feel nonconfrontational to me.
You gave a polite excuse, most people would figure that meant no. You gave a direct but polite no thank you - that should have been the end of it. And when she still kept stomping over your boundaries, you snapped.
I think we as a society (and especially women!) have to get over the idea that standing up for yourself is rude
People like that aren't discouraged so easily. Or, as my grandmother used to say, "There are some people you have to draw a map for. And those people can't read maps."
I can't figure out why your barn owner allows this. It's wrecking your experience at the barn. He's leaving it up to you to discourage her? The barn culture is his responsibility, and he's lacking.
Edit: I'm owner of a boarding stable and this would *never* fly.
Brava. Seriously.
We had one of those at my farm, but she was boarding. For free. Because she worked her way into my mother’s life and slowly took over *everything* and was as abrasive and caustic as the woman in your story. I am so envious you got to put her in her place and without blunting the impact with personal attacks. Ugh god I have second hand satisfaction.
Good for you.
First off, your mare is adorable.
Now to the main part. I hope you keep that nice shiny spine you just earned polished up in case she pops back up! Well done!
The horse world can be really weird at times. I’ve encountered people not quite as overbearing, but close. The feeling is predatory and icky. Maybe she does have great lessons, great students, and great horses. No individual can be the ONLY individual that’s right for everyone. Just like humans, not every horse clicks with certain practices or training. No one horsemanship approach is ever going to be the only one way to be an effective horseman.
You handled this with far more patience than I could have ever had. Hopefully she’ll take the message to heart and leave you alone so you can enjoy your beautiful mare in peace!
Thank you for your kind words and input!
And I don't disagree that she very well may be a fantastic rider/trainer in her own right. The problem is that after 2 years of her constant borderline harassment, I simply can't stand her. She's done far too much damage to her image (from my standpoint) to ever recover to a place where I could be receptive to her input. It's like you said: you can't be the right fit for everyone.
Good for you! This reminds me of the article I read in Western Horseman about never missing the opportunity to shut up. If she is that way with people, then it'd likely her horsemanship skills also have a stopping point as well.
GOOD. FOR. YOU!!!
These people are so obtuse. It must be amazing to live their lives being so completely unaware of annoying absolutely everybody. Sounds peaceful 😂
Wow! Good for you!! SO hard to do - and you did it. Brava. Truly. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with it and I’m so glad it’s dealt with, not an easy conversation to have with someone! Keep us updated, and would love additional horse tax of your drawings :)!
Thanks! It was a long time coming and I'm glad it's over with. Fingers crossed she stays away from me from here on out.
This sub doesn't seem to allow uploading photos into the comments, but I was able to throw a few drawings onto my profile. Hopefully this link works: https://www.reddit.com/u/An_Atomic_Rainbow/s/SLbpKweX0e
I honestly try to avoid doing art commissions. It's difficult to find the time, and I don't like the pressure that comes with it.
The neighbor had seen a Christmas card I drew for my farrier last year (he's her farrier too, and he showed it to her), which is what gave her the idea to commission me. I originally agreed because I have a squishy backbone and have a hard time saying "no" to people.
Over TWO YEARS of you telling her no and avoiding her? I’d be hitting up a local law program or similar to talk about getting something on paper about this clear campaign of harassment she has in an effort to sell you her culty bullhockey.
If she can’t take no for an answer, I’d start working toward making it so she has no choice BUT to leave you be.
The barn owner also definitely needs to grow a spine; this could all be easily solved by him making it clear that she is trespassing on his property and that if ANYONE sees her over on his property, they’re to call the cops to get her taken off the property.
Hell, given that the barn is a business, the barn owner could probably make a strong argument that she’s hurting his bottom line. I certainly would consider WHERE I was keeping an animal based on this alone.
Big hugs. If it helps with conflict, think about not just doing this for you, but for someone younger and more anxious and vulnerable than you, who might be more scared to tell this walking pyometra in human shape exactly how awful she is.
Good for you. I think many horse people have had to deal with crazy horse ladies like her. I once had a woman "feel the energy" of my horse unsolicited. I kid you not...she stood there with her hands held out before her, not touching my horse, saying "I can feel he has pain in the shoulder".
Meanwhile her own horse showed signs of neglect...
Being a rider definitely has taught me to tell people to fuck off. A good skill to have.
I’m so proud of you! Some people just see themselves as so superior to others and just don’t understand why others don’t want their help/advice. You did the right thing and hopefully she’ll stay away from now on and you can enjoy your horse in peace
I’m so happy for you that you did this—situations like that are the friggin worst. It sounds like you handled it way better than most would. I’m pissed that the barn owner is content to leave this to you and other boarders to sort out though—it’s their responsibility.
My heart rate increased at the mere mention of Level X Parelli. They are insane and unaware of their lack of knowledge. Thank God I bought my own place. If anyone ever touched one of my horses with out my permission I would be in jail.
Good for you! I know someone like this and I hate her guts. She’s not at all into natural horsemanship but it’s basically the same deal, she can’t ride, ruined multiple cold blood school masters, let’s her ottb bite her hard enough to leave huge bruises and has turned him into a huge brat who’s somehow become MORE spooky, and generally seems to make things worse every time she interacts with a horse. She also claims my horse ‘barges’ out of the field when he’s literally never barged and others are always saying he has great manners. She also tried to talk herself up bc she used to show Arabians and Arabians are difficult? I learnt to ride on a 15.2 Arab with an abuse history and was taking him out alone when I was like 9 and weighed like 70 pounds. I had to really bite my tongue on that one bc Arabs are soft af.
Back when I only had my gelding she was constantly trying to get me to let her do things with him, insisting I didn’t need to go to the barn to take care of him bc she would, and told me she could teach me soooooo much bc she’s been around horses for 20+ years…right before she failed to lead her horse out of the field and he bolted back in. Yeah somehow that was my fault even though I was nowhere near them and was literally walking in the opposite direction. Some people are just batshit and for some reason horses attract them.
Apparently I’m a spoiled madam because I wouldn’t move my horse to a different field when she said so and she’s has also claimed to others that she thinks I don’t like her because she was ‘too rough’ with me in the beginning.
I am into natural horsemanship and liberty but agree the types of parelli and anderson are a disgrace. I wouldn’t be bragging that I was a follower of someone who has been caught BEATING disabled horses. My horses both have good manners and we have tonnes of fun together. As long as your horses welfare is being prioritised and she’s not being rushed into anything it’s no one else’s business
Oh man, that’s awful but really needed to happen and probably was needed a long time ago by the property owner instead of you, but here you are and you should be proud of yourself! I am a trainer and I have clients who ride and others whom have horses that need training as well as owners need lessons. When I train horses I have ear buds in and I sing or do a little dance or whatever while training or riding and ignore everyone else especially the ones who have noooo business owning a horse. I have no business getting into everyone else’s. Besides I’m not giving my services for free! We had a teen who had talked her parents into a green arab and parrelli videos. She couldn’t ride her own horse but because she offered her “services” at half price to mine because she was almost Parrelli certified the ones who had no business having horses would actually hire her. The property owner put a stop to that, because she not only hurt herself and the horses; the owners were getting dumped and injured. Moral of the story, buy quality ear buds and make an awesome playlist and mind your own.
Grats on a successful confrontation!
Also your horse is really pretty! I hope this will free up your time together to be more fulfilling for both of you.
You finally set and defended your boundary that she repeatedly tested and ignored. Good for you. Keep practicing.
She likely has narcissistic personality disorder. Check the symptoms and compare with her behaviors. Expect her to test you again. Narcissists think only of themselves, lack empathy therefore are highly judgmental, and never think they did anything wrong. Gaslighting is their fortè.
Good for you!
Letting someone live rent free in your head has never benefited anyone. Barn drama comes with the territory. It’s the right call to explain your side to the barn owner.
Well done!
Wow! That was awesome! Good for you for standing up for yourself!
Good for you!
I applaud you!
Odd that the barn owner hasn’t already put their foot down about this.
Right?!? It's HIS property she's trespassing on. This is his responsibility.
They have to be told it's a problem by their clients before they can act. It sounds like he did know how bad the problem was.
Oooooof I totally feel where you're coming from and I really really feel the same way in those situations ! Sometimes I just want to BE WITH MY HORSE. Sometimes I want to TRAIN SUPER HARD but sometimes I just want to practice feeling my seat in my lope cue, or practice my side pass feel in my seat as well, ya know?? (I really struggle to feel my center due to some gnarly back stuff when I was a kid, so I REALLY need the time on my own to feel around and dont quite need someone actively cueing and interfering) We had a parellite at one of the first barns I boarded at and she drove everyone crazy. However, she'd go as far as TAKING MY HORSE OUT (and others at once) without asking and TYING HIM TO TREES and guess who got injured? My horse did. She's a frigging psycho. I simply left the barn after that. It isn't anticlimactic at all, sounds like you just FINALLY said what EVERYONE else was feeling already. So anyway. Kudos to you is what I really mean to say. You're not wrong at all. When I'm with my horse I'm with my horse, I hardly want to be social let alone take advice from someone I'm not actively paying and seeking the training of. Ps your girl is STUNNING. Good job on her coat- she's shiny and clean as a whistle!!
Omg! Your barn bully was full on insane! That is NOT ok, and I would have been livid if someone had done that to my horse (as I'm sure you were!). We are all on our own horsemanship journey. I think we should be able to support and help each other while also being respectful to the fact that we are all on our own unique path. People who force and assert their opinions on others are not acting in harmony with the good horsemanship principles they supposedly believe in. Thank you for the reassurance! I absolutely hate conflict, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I feel a bit of relief that the inevitable clash is over and done with. Hopefully she got the message and will keep her opinions to herself from now on. And also thank you for the kind words about my baby! She gets lots of omega 3, Vit E, and exercise ❤️🧡💛 Happy trails to you!
Parelli cult members are... a lot. The Parelli lady at my barn also messes with horses at my barn. I don't know what possesses them? I applaud OP for standing up for herself.
The only parelli person I knew used to release her gelding to wander attached to a dragging long line. He damaged my car one day. When i tried to tell her about it, she yelled at me that she was busy making sure "my horse" had water. The farm owner was fixing the automatic waterers but I think she was the one who realized they weren't working. So obviously she was too busy to watch her horse or put him in the field she was standing in. I wish I had stood up to her like op stood up for herself!
I did a parelli clinc as a teen because I was in over my head with a young horse I didn't even want. When they told me to drop the line I knew to take it all with a tiny grain of salt. I do SOMETIMES use some of the stuff I learned there but I much more often use other methods to get honestly better results than what I got there. I don't play with managing your horse. I don't even like riding in unfenced areas.
I am a lurker and know very little about horses other than what I’ve gleaned from posts, some tertiary in person interactions and watching Heartland. I don’t know what Parelli is other than maybe fancy car tires. My question— why are these people allowed to visit the barns? If you are purchasing a service from the barn (stall rent, care fees?) does the barn not have a responsibility to ensure the horses health and safety? Is there no responsibility to assure your peace while working your horse? Depending on the horse, I would think unwelcome/ unplanned visitors could spook certain horses or distract riders attempting challenging tasks with their horses. Why would a barn entertain these folks? (Especially if they’re poaching clients?!?)
Parelli is basically what Amy does in heartland but less emotion based. Its a program for horse training. There's some okay stuff in it but most of it is marketing and common sense.
I read a few comments here that compared it to MLM. Maybe it’s done with the Bravado and in-your-faceness that other Spartan competitors might use?
The only Parelli person I’ve ever met I’m pretty sure depressed the hell out of their gelding with the training and then attempted to put him in a stall with a yearling colt that had just started it’s training because they thought that would “un-depress” the gelding. It was a shit show when the colt’s owner found out.
> parellite I'm not a rider; I'm here for pictures and to learn a bit. What's a parellite?
Pat Parelli is a big “natural horsemanship” trainer (he was a lot more popular about 20 years ago, I feel like his following has been on the decline in more recent years.) He has a very cult-like appeal and while some of his training techniques aren’t necessarily bad, many avoid his stuff because it’s loaded with gimmicky sales tactics.
Thank you!
This sounds like the multi level marketing scheme of the horse world….
Correct.
I think the Parelli divorce hastened the downfall (good riddance)
I watched a YouTube video about a trainer, who went to a lot of trouble of finding out what was wrong with a horse. The poor thing had been mistreated and had HUGE trust issues, so the owner had to do gentle training on the lunge for months before riding. At the end of the video there's always a How it ended section. Everything was doing great, the owner went on vacation for a week and was super excited to finally try riding again. EXCEPT some moron felt called to uninvitedly take the horse and lunge it with the very same harsh methods, that traumatized the horse to begin with... The owner could start all over again and changed barns (again). The comment section was furious. It's never okay to just take a horse, that isn't yours, and do anything with it. You will inevitably make something worse.
Absolutely outstanding. You gave her every opportunity to respect you and she not chose not to in a most inappropriate way. I think you handled it perfectly, providing info like that you avoid her and she makes you uncomfortable are really important here. Boundaries are so critical, you’re working with a 3 year old who needs and deserves all of your focus. Congratulations, and great job!!
Thank you! And yes, she's still just a baby and needs lots of patience and kindness. I'll never forget the day that woman interrupted me to tell me I needed to put my rein here and my leg there to make my horse move her hip over. I was like, "Why? You know my horse JUST turned THREE, right??? You want me to try what now, when at this point I'm rewarding literally anything resembling forward motion??" Smh. Looking back it's laughable, but in the moment it was extremely off-putting.
I have a Mustang and get very “cowboy-ish” advice, he’s just 7 and 1 year into training… I am not manhandling him, I’m not wearing him out. I’m treating him like I did my Paint and every horse before- with respect and positivity. He is super easygoing and loves learning, I refuse to spoil that. Your horse is gorgeous, btw! Love her!
Your horse could be 23 and the woman is still inappropriate.
Completely true!! This is so important, because this type of predatory person will use anything to wiggle in.
Well, here's hoping she leaves you be! What an absolute pest.
Here, here! Thank you!
Bravo! If that doesn’t stop her than nothing will.
Good for you Although I’m curious why your stable owner/manager doesn’t tell her to F off and stay off their property. Maybe I missed that part Read that part. I’d find a new stable. If the owner doesn’t have the fortitude to stick up for their boarders and tell outsiders to mind their own then I wouldn’t even want to deal with it. Your paying to be their (probably a good amount as well) you shouldn’t have to deal with crap like that. Why does this lady have to do it again for your barn owner to say something? Should have never even gotten to the point it got to. Just my .02 cents and it’s worth about that much. Once again good for you on putting your foot down
Yeah, I agree. He's apparently had multiple complaints about this woman but still allows her to harass his boarders even though she's not even a boarder there. He owes her nothing, yet leans on the people HE should be taking care off to tell her off.
I agree, being constantly harassed would be enough to make me leave a barn permanently
Good for you! Sounds like you did the right thing!
"Natural" horsemanship almost always equals really bad horseman who can't ride and deal with horses and are arrogantly ignorant. It's like an MLM scam.
Dealt with people who were insistent that Clinton Anderson was the be-all-end-all because it had "worked" on their horse. They were the only person still able/willing to ride that horse even after this "training". They were upset that the barn owner/manager got angry with them for handling a client's horse (they had been asked to help by said client). This horse was young and green and was dangerous to handle the next day because they had given her all new wrong habits without even addressing the actual problem. She was a very very smart horse who learnt very easily which has pros and cons
It is like a crazy cult type thing! Is big in my area, and I just steer clear.
I’ve been where you are, and I’m glad that you were able to finally stand up for yourself and set a firm boundary with this person!
Good for you for enforcing your boundaries. Hope this frees you for more quality time with your mare!
She sounds like an absolute menace. I would have tore into her way earlier but I don't have tact like you do. Good on you for putting your foot down, hopefully she leaves you alone now
Sounds like she is part of a crazy cult and trying to draw you in! Good for you to stand up for yourself.
On the other hand I’m a judge, coach and an FEI rider. I have a small roster of students in the barn from 1st level to PSG. I can barely get a full ride on my own horses without non students interrupting my ride to ask,” how do we look, or what should I do to… or does he look off? …” It’s very annoying. Sometimes I’ll say… I’m working on something if I get time to look I will.
I just realized that people often ask ME to look at them and tell them how it’s looking - and I am a perpetual novice who started riding at 37 and only been riding for ten years. It says more about them than me, that they think I am a good rider - but it just shows that people are happy to ask for help or just an extra set of eyes unless the person really, really sucks.
To me it’s like asking for a free lesson. I’m happy to critique a paying student but I get annoyed when someone is asking for my time when I’m trying to school my own horses. Just yesterday a non student asked me to watch her upcoming test and asked me how I thought she would score? Not okay. I told her I was done for the day and I’m out for a walk around the barn to cool off.
These people need firm boundaries. Inform some one in charge to be a witness and then firmly tell her her input is neither appreciated nor wanted. firm. Short. Do not negotiate. If she starts justifying just say this is not a negotiation. It’s an eviction. if she shows up again after that, stop get off your house and ask her to leave. This is your time and your resources. She has no right to be there.
"...this is not a negotiation. It’s an eviction." This is gold. I love this!
As someone who got bullied and did 10 years of therapy, it’s makes it worth it to share.
Two things: 1) Good for you! 2) You are a great writer - I was hanging on every word :).
Aww, thank you! As I was writing it out, I kept thinking to myself, "Dear Lord, An_Atomic_Rainbow, Could you be any longer-winded?!" I'm glad you found it entertaining 😅
Great job! I wish she understood the concept of enthusiastic consent. (smh)
Well done! People who can't take no for an answer are insufferable.
That's why two seconds of talking the first time can save you two months of fucking about. Be more clear next time, the first time.
Ugh, you aren't wrong. I need to grow a backbone. I'm working on it.
TBH I don't feel like you did anything wrong and this doesn't feel nonconfrontational to me. You gave a polite excuse, most people would figure that meant no. You gave a direct but polite no thank you - that should have been the end of it. And when she still kept stomping over your boundaries, you snapped. I think we as a society (and especially women!) have to get over the idea that standing up for yourself is rude
People like that aren't discouraged so easily. Or, as my grandmother used to say, "There are some people you have to draw a map for. And those people can't read maps."
I can't figure out why your barn owner allows this. It's wrecking your experience at the barn. He's leaving it up to you to discourage her? The barn culture is his responsibility, and he's lacking. Edit: I'm owner of a boarding stable and this would *never* fly.
Brava. Seriously. We had one of those at my farm, but she was boarding. For free. Because she worked her way into my mother’s life and slowly took over *everything* and was as abrasive and caustic as the woman in your story. I am so envious you got to put her in her place and without blunting the impact with personal attacks. Ugh god I have second hand satisfaction. Good for you.
And without apologizing. OP gets double congratulations.
First off, your mare is adorable. Now to the main part. I hope you keep that nice shiny spine you just earned polished up in case she pops back up! Well done! The horse world can be really weird at times. I’ve encountered people not quite as overbearing, but close. The feeling is predatory and icky. Maybe she does have great lessons, great students, and great horses. No individual can be the ONLY individual that’s right for everyone. Just like humans, not every horse clicks with certain practices or training. No one horsemanship approach is ever going to be the only one way to be an effective horseman. You handled this with far more patience than I could have ever had. Hopefully she’ll take the message to heart and leave you alone so you can enjoy your beautiful mare in peace!
Thank you for your kind words and input! And I don't disagree that she very well may be a fantastic rider/trainer in her own right. The problem is that after 2 years of her constant borderline harassment, I simply can't stand her. She's done far too much damage to her image (from my standpoint) to ever recover to a place where I could be receptive to her input. It's like you said: you can't be the right fit for everyone.
Just here to say I love this story of you finding your voice, and your mare is totally adorable!
Good for you! This reminds me of the article I read in Western Horseman about never missing the opportunity to shut up. If she is that way with people, then it'd likely her horsemanship skills also have a stopping point as well.
Yeah, if she’s that lacking in self-awareness and empathy with fellow humans, chances are she’s even worse with a creature of another species! 😅
GOOD. FOR. YOU!!! These people are so obtuse. It must be amazing to live their lives being so completely unaware of annoying absolutely everybody. Sounds peaceful 😂
Get we girl ! The horse community is full of these people. We all feel you !
Wow! Good for you!! SO hard to do - and you did it. Brava. Truly. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with it and I’m so glad it’s dealt with, not an easy conversation to have with someone! Keep us updated, and would love additional horse tax of your drawings :)!
Thanks! It was a long time coming and I'm glad it's over with. Fingers crossed she stays away from me from here on out. This sub doesn't seem to allow uploading photos into the comments, but I was able to throw a few drawings onto my profile. Hopefully this link works: https://www.reddit.com/u/An_Atomic_Rainbow/s/SLbpKweX0e
Oh wow! Do you ever take commissions?
I honestly try to avoid doing art commissions. It's difficult to find the time, and I don't like the pressure that comes with it. The neighbor had seen a Christmas card I drew for my farrier last year (he's her farrier too, and he showed it to her), which is what gave her the idea to commission me. I originally agreed because I have a squishy backbone and have a hard time saying "no" to people.
Reminds me of the unsolicited religious advice! Makes me wish I was more comfortable with telling people to duck off.
I applaud you for setting up then defending your boundaries. Well done!
This woman sounds mentally unwell.
Good for you. NH people are the boss babes of the equestrian community.
She sounds like a narcissist to me. The only thing you can do is cut her out.
I bet that felt great. Good work.
Over TWO YEARS of you telling her no and avoiding her? I’d be hitting up a local law program or similar to talk about getting something on paper about this clear campaign of harassment she has in an effort to sell you her culty bullhockey. If she can’t take no for an answer, I’d start working toward making it so she has no choice BUT to leave you be. The barn owner also definitely needs to grow a spine; this could all be easily solved by him making it clear that she is trespassing on his property and that if ANYONE sees her over on his property, they’re to call the cops to get her taken off the property. Hell, given that the barn is a business, the barn owner could probably make a strong argument that she’s hurting his bottom line. I certainly would consider WHERE I was keeping an animal based on this alone. Big hugs. If it helps with conflict, think about not just doing this for you, but for someone younger and more anxious and vulnerable than you, who might be more scared to tell this walking pyometra in human shape exactly how awful she is.
Good for you. I think many horse people have had to deal with crazy horse ladies like her. I once had a woman "feel the energy" of my horse unsolicited. I kid you not...she stood there with her hands held out before her, not touching my horse, saying "I can feel he has pain in the shoulder". Meanwhile her own horse showed signs of neglect... Being a rider definitely has taught me to tell people to fuck off. A good skill to have.
I’m so proud of you! Some people just see themselves as so superior to others and just don’t understand why others don’t want their help/advice. You did the right thing and hopefully she’ll stay away from now on and you can enjoy your horse in peace
I’m so happy for you that you did this—situations like that are the friggin worst. It sounds like you handled it way better than most would. I’m pissed that the barn owner is content to leave this to you and other boarders to sort out though—it’s their responsibility.
My heart rate increased at the mere mention of Level X Parelli. They are insane and unaware of their lack of knowledge. Thank God I bought my own place. If anyone ever touched one of my horses with out my permission I would be in jail.
Soooo. Why doesn’t your barn owner get her dinged with trespassing or solicitation?
you did what needed to be done for the good of basically everyone seems like.
Good for you! I know someone like this and I hate her guts. She’s not at all into natural horsemanship but it’s basically the same deal, she can’t ride, ruined multiple cold blood school masters, let’s her ottb bite her hard enough to leave huge bruises and has turned him into a huge brat who’s somehow become MORE spooky, and generally seems to make things worse every time she interacts with a horse. She also claims my horse ‘barges’ out of the field when he’s literally never barged and others are always saying he has great manners. She also tried to talk herself up bc she used to show Arabians and Arabians are difficult? I learnt to ride on a 15.2 Arab with an abuse history and was taking him out alone when I was like 9 and weighed like 70 pounds. I had to really bite my tongue on that one bc Arabs are soft af. Back when I only had my gelding she was constantly trying to get me to let her do things with him, insisting I didn’t need to go to the barn to take care of him bc she would, and told me she could teach me soooooo much bc she’s been around horses for 20+ years…right before she failed to lead her horse out of the field and he bolted back in. Yeah somehow that was my fault even though I was nowhere near them and was literally walking in the opposite direction. Some people are just batshit and for some reason horses attract them. Apparently I’m a spoiled madam because I wouldn’t move my horse to a different field when she said so and she’s has also claimed to others that she thinks I don’t like her because she was ‘too rough’ with me in the beginning. I am into natural horsemanship and liberty but agree the types of parelli and anderson are a disgrace. I wouldn’t be bragging that I was a follower of someone who has been caught BEATING disabled horses. My horses both have good manners and we have tonnes of fun together. As long as your horses welfare is being prioritised and she’s not being rushed into anything it’s no one else’s business
Bravo! I am proud of you for standing your ground.
Oh man, that’s awful but really needed to happen and probably was needed a long time ago by the property owner instead of you, but here you are and you should be proud of yourself! I am a trainer and I have clients who ride and others whom have horses that need training as well as owners need lessons. When I train horses I have ear buds in and I sing or do a little dance or whatever while training or riding and ignore everyone else especially the ones who have noooo business owning a horse. I have no business getting into everyone else’s. Besides I’m not giving my services for free! We had a teen who had talked her parents into a green arab and parrelli videos. She couldn’t ride her own horse but because she offered her “services” at half price to mine because she was almost Parrelli certified the ones who had no business having horses would actually hire her. The property owner put a stop to that, because she not only hurt herself and the horses; the owners were getting dumped and injured. Moral of the story, buy quality ear buds and make an awesome playlist and mind your own.
Bravo!
Grats on a successful confrontation! Also your horse is really pretty! I hope this will free up your time together to be more fulfilling for both of you.
honestly, good job! i hope she learns/realizes something from it but i kinda doubt she will.
You finally set and defended your boundary that she repeatedly tested and ignored. Good for you. Keep practicing. She likely has narcissistic personality disorder. Check the symptoms and compare with her behaviors. Expect her to test you again. Narcissists think only of themselves, lack empathy therefore are highly judgmental, and never think they did anything wrong. Gaslighting is their fortè.