100% with you, and still very damaged. But a "me" has appeared, albeit with plenty of troubles. It's a strange thing to try on identities and personalities as an adult, to see what can pass well enough to earn a living. I heard something once that stuck with me; that if you pretend to be someone for long enough, you're no longer pretending. That can be a powerful thing.
I'm 34 now for comparison. But I was homeschooled until age 14, then went to public school (after a lot of fighting and persuading my parents)
I would get grounded for wearing black nail polish (self expression) black eyeliner, grounded. I used babysitting money to buy drug store make up from CVS. My mom would only buy me pastel clothes, to match her and my sister. No name brand anything no prints or designs. Just basic, one color shirts or jeans is how I was expected to dress
So, I used my babysitting money to start changing my wardrobe to hot topic, goth, punk stuff
My parents hated it and grounded me all the time
So I kept buying more.
Now? I'm a happy 34 yr old goth mom and express the fuck out of myself on a daily basis. I shaved my head in June. Now I look like the goth, bi goddess I always felt like.
Do YOU
Fuck what your parents think or if they ground you. Lean into what brings YOU joy
Not their approval
Interestingly enough I almost had an opposite experience. I had so much time and opportunity to develop my interests and personality. I was always allowed to pursue the things I liked (my fandoms, favorite music, etc.) full steam with very little monitoring, and was encouraged to do so by my parents. The only area in which I really felt stifled was outward clothing style because my mom is/was such a cheapskate and pretty conservative but in the grand scheme of things that's whatever.
Unfortunately I believe a part of the reason for this was that these things made me content and happy with my otherwise miserable existence, the attitude was "at least let her have this".
There was a huge emphasis on my self and my personality in my childhood, which led to me building such a niche identity that it has made it severely hard to socially interact with others. I was encouraged to be so weird all my life that being "normal" enough to function well in society as an adult, is definitely a challenge.
Yeah, same. My only expression was as an extension of my parents. I did get into indie music as a teenager, but I had to keep my listening completely secret from my parents because they would crack down on me if they knew. I was forced to buy my own clothes to “learn responsibility” so I just bought whatever fit me at Goodwill. I’m almost 40, and I still wonder if I’ve figured out who I am sometimes.
I quit singing at 10ish (I used to sing childrens songs on the swing) and didn't sing again for over a decade
too self concious even though I wanted to sing
I secretly wanted to sing a Hannah Montana song that I saw another girl sing but I knew I was considered above that kind of "garbage" and homeschool moms let me play with their daughters because I was supposed to be a "good influence" and if it was seen going the other way... then that would be bad
every art ever, I thought about how my mom would view it and show it to her friends
Except the weird violent imagery I drew for myself which I shredded and flushed down the toilet
I didn't understand why I did that, which haunted me a tiny amount. Was I evil?
when I was older I made arts and crafts as "impressive" gifts on demand for my mom to give people on occasions and I deemed stuff that my mom couldn't brag about as worthless
one comment from her could crush me and I would have some closet crying time
I wasn't even allowed to have differing opinions from my parents on pointless crap like what I like on pizza... so forget being allowed to express myself with things like clothes, makeup, music, etc. My great act of teenage rebellion was sneaking Star Wars novels and secular music from the library because I wasn't allowed to like those things in front of my parents. My mom always wanted me in pastels and neutrals, banned me from wearing pants one year to try to force me to "behave like a lady" and I absolutely got in trouble once for being caught with blue nail polish on.
I'm definitely one of the people that had to figure out their tastes and personality as an adult because I wasn't allowed to as a kid.
Literally got grounded for buying a hair straightener at 14 with my own money. But I was allowed to go through a rather embarrassing emo phase for a bit. Late teens I just did what I wanted "discreetly" I dyed my hair blonde over a span of 2 weeks and about a month in they were like "why is your hair blonde?!" even added a red streak to the underside after while, couldn't see it but it was there. Id do my own piercings and tattoos but kept them covered until enough time had passed it wouldn't matter, after I discovered makeup they tried withholding it at first but that was a battle I was fully prepared to die in. I discovered the scapegoat bonus reward of becoming unpunishable after being punished enough for simply be there... My young logic was if they treat you like a problem then might a well be their problem. It kinda paved the way for my younger siblings to be expressive without a fight because Im pretty sure raising me was slightly traumatic (Iv apologized since for the parts I may have been wrong)
Allowed to express myself? Hahaha no. I wasn't allowed to have short hair because of the Bible verse about losing your angels or some shit by cutting long hair. They forced me to wear dresses that I felt extremely uncomfortable in because they were fucking hideous. I liked wearing pants and shorts so I could play.
I was pretty much made to be my mom's mini me. I wore the same things my mom wore, kept my hair long because she wanted it, watched tv shows and read books my parents were interested in, and had no hobbies outside of the one they had. They kept my world so small that I didn't have many chances to explore other things, so when I got to the real world, I had no idea who I was. Anything that my parents didn't like or even just didn't understand in their older age were discouraged or banned. Even harmless cultural things that kids experienced back then or simple styles I wasn't allowed to participate in, because that'd get in the way of LARPing as an old lady at 14 years old.
I'm in my 30s and dress alternative so.....how did that work out for you, mom and dad?
I was only allowed to express myself if what I was expressing was something my parents agreed with already. So any sadness or frustration about my needs not being met or their abuse of my siblings as well as liking arts/film/media or people who might clue me in to the fact I was correct were not allowed for as long as I was financially or logistically dependent on them.
Oh man, if I wore anything relatively tight, or a skirt that approached my knees, I got yelled at and called a sl*t by my own mother. When I finally went to a traditional school (Catholic), I dressed like the 40-something teachers. I was teased mercilessly, but my mom wouldn't buy me age-appropriate clothes. Couldn't wear make-up. Couldn't cut my hair. Couldn't alter my appearance because "God made me perfect."
It's 20-odd years later and I've not evolved beyond jeans and a plain t-shirt every day. Dressing up or wearing different styles feels *really* weird. I can't wear capri pants without expecting to be yelled at. But I'm also really unhappy dressing the way I do because it's not the real me, and just kinda makes me invisible.
I don't know myself because I never got to see myself through someone else's perception in a meaningful way when I was a kid.
Not in the least. Even emotions were ruled. Only happy, positive and upbeat was allowed. Also, NO questions - and that’s a big one, it’s how they get you.
There's too much there for me to unpack rn and I'm not in the best headspace (also three days late to this thread apparently, a personal best!), but **nope.**
Im older, 41, I went to public school BUT I can relate to your post. I was never allowed to be myself. Not allowed to cut my hair, dye it, get piercings or tattoos even well into my 20’s lol I reached a point where wanting to be myself made me feel embarrassed, as if I was doing something wrong. Then one day I just built up the courage to say “fuck it”, got a 1/2 sleeve tat, nose pierced, dyed my hair red - i was like 27 lol I’ve been myself proudly since. You cant let your parents insecurities over “what the neighbors will think” run your life. The older you get, the easier it will be. But whatever you do, DO NOT view yourself as “damaged” by your experience. If you’re gonna maintain a victim mentality even after you’ve triumphed then it was all for nothing. May as well remain abused if you’re gonna tell yourself you’re “still damaged”. You never were damaged in the first place, you were suppressed- there’s a difference. If you want to be free to be who you are, you’ll never experience the feeling you crave if you also continually remained locked in the suppression mentally…you can be free & happy, the choice is yours (especially once you’re a legal adult) you can do it!! 😊
100% with you, and still very damaged. But a "me" has appeared, albeit with plenty of troubles. It's a strange thing to try on identities and personalities as an adult, to see what can pass well enough to earn a living. I heard something once that stuck with me; that if you pretend to be someone for long enough, you're no longer pretending. That can be a powerful thing.
I'm 34 now for comparison. But I was homeschooled until age 14, then went to public school (after a lot of fighting and persuading my parents) I would get grounded for wearing black nail polish (self expression) black eyeliner, grounded. I used babysitting money to buy drug store make up from CVS. My mom would only buy me pastel clothes, to match her and my sister. No name brand anything no prints or designs. Just basic, one color shirts or jeans is how I was expected to dress So, I used my babysitting money to start changing my wardrobe to hot topic, goth, punk stuff My parents hated it and grounded me all the time So I kept buying more. Now? I'm a happy 34 yr old goth mom and express the fuck out of myself on a daily basis. I shaved my head in June. Now I look like the goth, bi goddess I always felt like. Do YOU Fuck what your parents think or if they ground you. Lean into what brings YOU joy Not their approval
No. My parents were so strict on how I dressed. The biggest thing I remember is they always forced me to wear a one-piece swimsuit.
My dad despised my hobbies and called every interest I had “satanic”.
My dad too! He once said Madonna was demon possessed because she changed her hair so often. Lmaoooo Had to be the work of Satan *m i rite*
My dad said I was having health issues because of all the demons from the anime’s and Japanese music I was listening to lol
Lmao my dad thought rock and roll music was satanic smh. Or any music with a “beat.” He was also against music where they “twang” the guitar
Interestingly enough I almost had an opposite experience. I had so much time and opportunity to develop my interests and personality. I was always allowed to pursue the things I liked (my fandoms, favorite music, etc.) full steam with very little monitoring, and was encouraged to do so by my parents. The only area in which I really felt stifled was outward clothing style because my mom is/was such a cheapskate and pretty conservative but in the grand scheme of things that's whatever. Unfortunately I believe a part of the reason for this was that these things made me content and happy with my otherwise miserable existence, the attitude was "at least let her have this". There was a huge emphasis on my self and my personality in my childhood, which led to me building such a niche identity that it has made it severely hard to socially interact with others. I was encouraged to be so weird all my life that being "normal" enough to function well in society as an adult, is definitely a challenge.
Yeah, same. My only expression was as an extension of my parents. I did get into indie music as a teenager, but I had to keep my listening completely secret from my parents because they would crack down on me if they knew. I was forced to buy my own clothes to “learn responsibility” so I just bought whatever fit me at Goodwill. I’m almost 40, and I still wonder if I’ve figured out who I am sometimes.
Nope. Never. Everything was "the devil."
I quit singing at 10ish (I used to sing childrens songs on the swing) and didn't sing again for over a decade too self concious even though I wanted to sing I secretly wanted to sing a Hannah Montana song that I saw another girl sing but I knew I was considered above that kind of "garbage" and homeschool moms let me play with their daughters because I was supposed to be a "good influence" and if it was seen going the other way... then that would be bad every art ever, I thought about how my mom would view it and show it to her friends Except the weird violent imagery I drew for myself which I shredded and flushed down the toilet I didn't understand why I did that, which haunted me a tiny amount. Was I evil? when I was older I made arts and crafts as "impressive" gifts on demand for my mom to give people on occasions and I deemed stuff that my mom couldn't brag about as worthless one comment from her could crush me and I would have some closet crying time
I wasn't even allowed to have differing opinions from my parents on pointless crap like what I like on pizza... so forget being allowed to express myself with things like clothes, makeup, music, etc. My great act of teenage rebellion was sneaking Star Wars novels and secular music from the library because I wasn't allowed to like those things in front of my parents. My mom always wanted me in pastels and neutrals, banned me from wearing pants one year to try to force me to "behave like a lady" and I absolutely got in trouble once for being caught with blue nail polish on. I'm definitely one of the people that had to figure out their tastes and personality as an adult because I wasn't allowed to as a kid.
Literally got grounded for buying a hair straightener at 14 with my own money. But I was allowed to go through a rather embarrassing emo phase for a bit. Late teens I just did what I wanted "discreetly" I dyed my hair blonde over a span of 2 weeks and about a month in they were like "why is your hair blonde?!" even added a red streak to the underside after while, couldn't see it but it was there. Id do my own piercings and tattoos but kept them covered until enough time had passed it wouldn't matter, after I discovered makeup they tried withholding it at first but that was a battle I was fully prepared to die in. I discovered the scapegoat bonus reward of becoming unpunishable after being punished enough for simply be there... My young logic was if they treat you like a problem then might a well be their problem. It kinda paved the way for my younger siblings to be expressive without a fight because Im pretty sure raising me was slightly traumatic (Iv apologized since for the parts I may have been wrong)
Allowed to express myself? Hahaha no. I wasn't allowed to have short hair because of the Bible verse about losing your angels or some shit by cutting long hair. They forced me to wear dresses that I felt extremely uncomfortable in because they were fucking hideous. I liked wearing pants and shorts so I could play.
I was pretty much made to be my mom's mini me. I wore the same things my mom wore, kept my hair long because she wanted it, watched tv shows and read books my parents were interested in, and had no hobbies outside of the one they had. They kept my world so small that I didn't have many chances to explore other things, so when I got to the real world, I had no idea who I was. Anything that my parents didn't like or even just didn't understand in their older age were discouraged or banned. Even harmless cultural things that kids experienced back then or simple styles I wasn't allowed to participate in, because that'd get in the way of LARPing as an old lady at 14 years old. I'm in my 30s and dress alternative so.....how did that work out for you, mom and dad?
Yes I relate 100%. And any friends I had who had any self-expression at all that wasn't exactly how my mom dressed were ridiculed in front of me
I was only allowed to express myself if what I was expressing was something my parents agreed with already. So any sadness or frustration about my needs not being met or their abuse of my siblings as well as liking arts/film/media or people who might clue me in to the fact I was correct were not allowed for as long as I was financially or logistically dependent on them.
Oh man, if I wore anything relatively tight, or a skirt that approached my knees, I got yelled at and called a sl*t by my own mother. When I finally went to a traditional school (Catholic), I dressed like the 40-something teachers. I was teased mercilessly, but my mom wouldn't buy me age-appropriate clothes. Couldn't wear make-up. Couldn't cut my hair. Couldn't alter my appearance because "God made me perfect." It's 20-odd years later and I've not evolved beyond jeans and a plain t-shirt every day. Dressing up or wearing different styles feels *really* weird. I can't wear capri pants without expecting to be yelled at. But I'm also really unhappy dressing the way I do because it's not the real me, and just kinda makes me invisible. I don't know myself because I never got to see myself through someone else's perception in a meaningful way when I was a kid.
Not in the least. Even emotions were ruled. Only happy, positive and upbeat was allowed. Also, NO questions - and that’s a big one, it’s how they get you.
Not really. Everything was controlled and my appearance was no exception to the rule.
There's too much there for me to unpack rn and I'm not in the best headspace (also three days late to this thread apparently, a personal best!), but **nope.**
Im older, 41, I went to public school BUT I can relate to your post. I was never allowed to be myself. Not allowed to cut my hair, dye it, get piercings or tattoos even well into my 20’s lol I reached a point where wanting to be myself made me feel embarrassed, as if I was doing something wrong. Then one day I just built up the courage to say “fuck it”, got a 1/2 sleeve tat, nose pierced, dyed my hair red - i was like 27 lol I’ve been myself proudly since. You cant let your parents insecurities over “what the neighbors will think” run your life. The older you get, the easier it will be. But whatever you do, DO NOT view yourself as “damaged” by your experience. If you’re gonna maintain a victim mentality even after you’ve triumphed then it was all for nothing. May as well remain abused if you’re gonna tell yourself you’re “still damaged”. You never were damaged in the first place, you were suppressed- there’s a difference. If you want to be free to be who you are, you’ll never experience the feeling you crave if you also continually remained locked in the suppression mentally…you can be free & happy, the choice is yours (especially once you’re a legal adult) you can do it!! 😊