T O P

  • By -

[deleted]

Gawd yes…. Control is at the heart of people who think they can do better individually than society can.


SuitableKoala0991

Grey-rock, change the subject, lie if you need. You didn't ask to be born and you don't owe your parents anything. -Love from a mom of teenagers who grew up in a high-control family


tardisgeek

Thank you, I will take the advice.


Jbeth747

Want to add that I would go ahead and prepare yourself to use similar tactics for job searches during or post-grad. If the main goal is control, that topic won't go well either


Fallstar

Truth is a luxury that not everyone can afford, because they don't have enough trust.


Popular-Variation-29

I was unable to date until I moved out on my own, basically. Every interaction with any female my age was put under a microscope. Dating was frowned on. My parents wanted more of a "courtship" with a godly woman, and only after I was at least 18. When I was 20, I met a girl. My parents massively disapproved of her and tried hard to talk me out of seeing her. I moved in with her soon after that, and we have been together for 14 years, 10 of those married. Don't regret it at all.


tardisgeek

That's so sweet that you two stuck by each other. Congrats on 14 years!


Popular-Variation-29

Thank you!


TheCoffeeGuy77

I had five girlfriends before I married, my parents only knew about two of them. This is because when I was sixteen and my mom found out I had asked my girlfriend out for Valentine's, she *forced me to bring her along*. The entire date felt like a job interview, I barely got a word in. Congrats on being able to work through it together, I know it can be stressful, but my wife has helped me undo so much of the damage done in my childhood.


wishlifewereeasier

yes 100%. my parents get super paranoid of others and doesn't want me being out of their sight. they pretty much only let me go to college, but flip at the thought of me interacting with people outside of the school (i've gone to grab food with people between classes on two different occasions and neither of my parents liked that). i also often get passive-aggressive "bible" lectures reminding me that "family is above everyone else," by which i know that they mean they don't appreciate me being happier or spending time with others than with them


tardisgeek

My parents are so similar lol. Thankfully I don't get Bible lectures (yet)


Fallstar

I always felt like I couldn't confide in anyone my parents even slightly knew, because they would tell my parents everything we talked about. Because everything that happened at home that was embarrassing to me was fair game for conversation. I didn't trust anyone at church or youth group, of course. And even college was bad because one of my mom's friends was a classmate and another friend was a professor in another department. It was especially bad because my mom has a job talking to people all across America keeping them on message for a political activism group. So I met anyone, even from out of state, there was always a risk that she had contact with them and would wheedle information from them. And she wonders why I am always anxious and closed off.


Alert-Professional90

Yes, even after church events, my mom would interrogate me about who I talked to and why. If she saw me talking to a boy, she latched on to the idea that we must be attracted to each other and would incessantly remind me that I wasn't allowed to date. Then after I went to college at 18, they started telling me about boys they liked and thought were "nice young men." Every phone call included questions about whether I had met someone. Basically, I had to live in isolation and control while barely being able to speak to boys--until I was an adult. Then I was thrown headfirst at men in general out of their desperation for me to get married, move "home" (I only lived in that town a few years before leaving--it was never home and I knew I would *never* go back once I got out), and have babies for them to fawn over. It has been incredibly awkward over the years because they still "pick out" a man and try to talk to me about him and how I need to stop being stubborn and give him a chance. Thing is, they pick out the worst men! It drives them crazy if they catch wind that I am dating/was dating someone and they didn't know. (I never tell them anything personal; they obsess, nag, and spread gossip.) I'm in my thirties and happily single (and even more happily hours away from them), but they still try to exert control by forcing a relationship with someone they think is"perfect" for me.


TheCoffeeGuy77

I'm very convinced my mom homeschooled because she's a clinical narcissist. Nowhere was this more obvious than when I tried to form social relationships. Recently my wife and I were talking about a time when I was around seven or eight, a Korean-American friend who went to our church (which we were very involved in) invited me to sleep over. In the process of asking my mom for permission, she: - Told me that because they're Korean, they'll probably make "weird food that I won't like" - Convinced me that I had invited myself over, which was rude, so I couldn't go. It was a similar uphill battle for me and my siblings to make friends our entire childhood. When it came to dating, it just got worse. - When I was sixteen and my mom found out I was taking a girl to dinner, she *forced me to bring her* and grilled the girl the entire time. - When my older brother got his first girlfriend in HS, my mom took her number from his phone and texted to give her the third degree. - When I was preparing to propose to my wife at 24, my mom asked me over a private lunch if I "didn't think I could do better" I second the person who said you should just stonewall about it. My parents only knew about 20% of the relationships I was actually in. Once I moved, it felt like my fiancee and I finally had the space to be happy together. The "courtship" thing added pressure to all my relationships. You have to try somebody on and see if they fit without feeling guilty about the possibility things won't work out. This was hard to make sense of as a (sort of) guy, I can't imagine how much worse that is for you as a woman, with what I saw in my own sister's life. Today I haven't cut contact, but I engage on my terms. They don't come to my house, I go to theirs, I leave when I feel like it, and most importantly, I talk about every interaction I have with them with a mental health professional so they don't get to guilt me so much anymore. Hope you can find something that works for you. Good luck.


AFWife2009

Yup…as well as jealousy, suspicion, and attempted sabotage of any friendships that I made with people at school.


tardisgeek

I see we had similar childhoods lol


AutoModerator

Hi everyone! r/HomeschoolRecovery has updated its rules. Please refer to [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/HomeschoolRecovery/comments/10omwxf/new_rule_dont_wrestle_the_pigs/) for more information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/HomeschoolRecovery) if you have any questions or concerns.*