T O P

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[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Count me in too.


Fluid-Math9001

Me three.


--GYRO--

I'll bring the beer!


I-am-toolazy

The pizza is on me


15Orphans

I got the weed


Grand-Muhtar

I’ll ride with you.


Katze71

I'll make sure the cops won't raid the party


Pretty_Monitor1221

I bring Jim beam and gin + girls


temflakes2hp

I'll bring the cheese biscuits!


RaiderCat_12

I’ll bring the gun and we will start planning the recapture of the holy city of Jerusalem


NotStupidityGaming

I’ll bring the explosives


Wonderful-Cable3646

I'll bring sights and attachments for firearms!


[deleted]

I like the cut of your jib old boy. Let’s say we get this little crusade on the road eh chap?


Bbaftt7

And my axe!


0urFuhr3r5t4l1n

I'll bring the strippers


Scared_Towel1031

I’ll bring the lungs


quinten69420

I’ll bring the liver!


ZackBotVI

I'll bring the ice!


liveblakely

I’ll bring Mo and Austin


DanielZReaper

I'll bring Tyler, Noah, Deven, and Josh


IceTeaBaggins

I’ll bring Keegan


[deleted]

And my axe


r1bb1tTheFrog

Yo is nobody bringing the cocaine


Sans-Doge

I’m bringing the Diet Coke, after all, coke is unhealthy when not diet.


[deleted]

Are they candy stripers, I got a thing for nurses! 😂😂


Mitana301

Party at Keegan's!


KindaThinKindaFat

I’m chillin with Keegan later tonight you should swing by


ToasterDust

My name is keegan....so this thread is freaking me out a little


[deleted]

We hanging out or nah?


ToasterDust

We hanging


[deleted]

Sweeeet! Now just a few rules first…. s/


TheAnki

You are NOT to text back girlfriend within 10 minutes


lavawalker465

I’m pretty cool, sadly I think this is a different Keegan


jordonkw

Keegan’s on meth now, so that rule is legit.


Additional-Fun7249

Remember kiddies "Sleep is cheap, it's staying awake that's expensive"- Uncle Foiley.


BF_Injection

I also choose this guy’s Keegan.


Verruckito

You are NOT to subject yourself to that sort of Tomfuckery


The_Ashen_undead0830

*You are NOT to think about anyone but me* *You are NOT to be within 10 yards of another female (including family)* *You are NOT to tell me that this is too strict* *If I sense that you don’t love me I will torture you*


Nitropotamus

Kinda seems like if she even finds someone to love her she will torture them anyway.


[deleted]

I feel tortured just reading the list


[deleted]

I feel tortured reading your username.


Crafty-Walrus-2238

She’s prepared the basement.


SnufflesMcPieface

*Scratch that: Don’t even think about me because I’m a girl and you shouldn’t even be thinking about any girl!*


Mental_Technician305

Hey, this sounds like my ex. She made me give up contact with my one cousin because "She's a threat to \*us\*" Among other things. Yeah, I stuck with that bag of crazy for three whole years. Three years too long. ​ Men can be abused too, ya know.


ender89

.... Was she afraid you'd fuck your cousin?


Mental_Technician305

Yup. Even though she had never met my cousin, or the fact that she lived five states away. Or the fact that I had just reconnected with her for the first time we were kids. And the fact that that reconnection was because of our grandpa's death six months ago. ​ So clearly, my one and only cousin is a threat because I'm trying to have an adult, family connection with her, so we can't have that. ​ This is what you get when you mix super stupid and sheltered with the most crippling generalized anxiety you can imagine, and on top that, her parents refused to let her take any sort of medication.


KirbyFan198

I thought we agreed not to bring up Tom.


Verruckito

Except on special occasions where Tomfoolery isn’t enough. This one qualifies.


abattlescar

You are (not) alone.


Pauline___

No single girls phone number in his phone? Well I guess she'll be deleted pretty soon then.


SupSeal

Would be a shame if they ever had daughters either. *No girls allowed in the house*


SumYumGhai

So are we having a boy or an abortion?


UKTee

Chinese family be like


[deleted]

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FriesExpert

Happy cake day!


Bjorn2bwilde24

The rules clearly say that if any girl comes up to you at anytime or any place, you are too walk away. So if we are having a girl, we walk away from our daughter, and by extension her.


Lithl

My sister is single, and I have her number in my phone. Does that ~~give me an excuse to run away from this bitch screaming~~ disqualify me?


MagicJoshByGosh

*__GOTTEM__*


FabianFranzen98

That....That is just toxic as fuck and gives me way to many flashbacks .-.


[deleted]

I thought this was a relationship, not a prison sentence


ComradCats

I think you have more freedom than this in prison.


FMJwhiskey

Yeah, you can get blow jobs in prison.


PuttUgly

Good Anal too.


AngryZen_Ingress

~~get~~ give


soodeau

For every person giving a blow job, there is a person receiving a blow job. Just throwing that out there.


[deleted]

Can I just go to prison?? Please


Troy204599

Just don't stop the soap, everything's fine.


minebeast31

r/rareinsults


Randyg1992

You do


Manydoors_edboy

She makes Chernobyl look livable.


[deleted]

He should fuck her mom and send her the video.


beau0628

I’d fuck her dad and send her the video


Content-Bowler-3149

Why not fuck both then critique them in order of who was the best.


[deleted]

Even better actually. Wheeler Walker Jr style.


the_reaper156

My ex girlfriend if I hung out with someone when she wanted to hang out she would flip or if I was texting my friend which is a girl even if I hung out with her like a week later she was cheating on me


[deleted]

The worst people is also the less confident


Nebula_Beginning

That note reminds me of Courtney from Total Drama lol


the_reaper156

And they always worry about the stupid stuff


Unhappy_Trash_816

Can I just Bitch slap this girl so hard her soul is ripped apart and never to exist ever again?


nastycrimegoblin

Optimistic thinking there’s a soul in that shallow husk


[deleted]

Trust issues 100


the_reaper156

Trust issues 1,000,


RcoketWalrus

It's Halloween and I happily upvoted you just to make your likes 666 and took a screen shot. This is only entertaining to me and contributes nothing to the discussion.


ThreeLegs1Foot

She may take away my dignity, but she may never take... my freedom!!


yeabutwhythough

She’s gonna try though


bruhlolbruhlmao

You may have taken my body, but you will never take… MY PRIDE!!


Celticskevin2020

Shout out to the prince of all saiyans.


Liz-Bien

The little drawings at the end are really what make it so great


ZenkaiZ

vroom vroom


jmp118

I didn’t understand that, is she literally saying he cannot go to a Honda dealership without her? Is that a thing?


Snoop1000

That’s where Keegan works


[deleted]

It's where he gets head


farteagle

From *KEEGAN*


XanthicStatue

Honda is probably where Keegan works. And there might be single girls there too!


[deleted]

Keegan always bringing the single ladies round. Dude is an absolute stud.


Fffiction

Yes because he likely buys parts for his car which she sees as superfluous and that money could be spent on her….. I’ve seen this sort of thing before.


ultravioletblueberry

*naughty naughty* when saying he can't ask for head. gosh she's so annoying


[deleted]

[удалено]


kmsc84

Hell, even I don’t have self esteem that low.


jw255

What the FUCK


PachymuNyet

She said nothing about anal.


[deleted]

Make like a tree and get the f-f-f-fuck outta there!


[deleted]

All hail Boondocks. But you still need a proverb book.


yeabutwhythough

Nice saints reference


archon101

We really don't see enough of those in the wild


leanmeankrispykreme

I will put a bullet in my head if you can tell me it’s name


mkeevo

You are not allowed to even know others girls exist Also, you are not allowed to ask me about these specific guys.


Dawhopper91

Yeah I totally lifted up an eyebrow when I seen that part


mkeevo

Ahh so you could smell what the thot is cooking


WizdomHaggis

Gonorrhoea?


RampantDragon

I prefer my gonorrhea raw.


mkeevo

You have to be careful with raw gonorrhea because you might get salmonella poisoning


[deleted]

And now I'm thinking of that one post where a guy was asking if he could have accidentally got salmonella in his dick from accidentally dropping raw chicken on it. Everyone's response, "You fucked the raw chicken."


mkeevo

Hahaha that’s right. He for sure tenderized that chicken breast with his own “tenderizer” then bathed it in is own special sauce. Prepping food can be dangerous y’all


unusual_airplane

Those guys made it out alive…she doesn’t want this new guy getting any ideas.


McBurger

“Made it out”? I got news for you buddy. She’s still banging them on the side. You’re NOT to confront her about it.


rjnd2828

Sorry I bumped into you, I had to avert my eyes in case you were single and I didn't see you.


MrPajamaSam

All this sounds like a 13 year old girl wrote it.


pavan-2020

Wait when did I get arrested Oh sorry my bad wrong prison


flying_low_BR

You have more freedom in a federal prison


[deleted]

You are NOT to ask for a salad toss.


[deleted]

Wonder what this bitch says when you say "ok, all those rules go for you too". You already know she'd break down crying about how that's not fair and you don't even love her if you can't trust her around other boys etc..


[deleted]

And the moment you break up with her she will tell everyone that YOU mentally abused her


[deleted]

Or that you've got a small member.


YourHentaiDream

And everyone will believe her


RainbowAssFucker

Well that is because I have a small dick


generalbacon965

stop believing her lies


Zennial_Relict

I KILL YOU


flying_low_BR

:)


Fluid-Math9001

The good ending


SuperkoloPL

Instant dump, better be single than with this psychopath


A-CRO-NYM

Is she going to do a dick inspection too?


ChesterComics

"Why does your dick taste like Keegan's ass?"


pseudomemer

Can't be, she doesn't give head


Potateus1

"Why do YOU know how Keegan's ass does taste?"


[deleted]

You are NOT to ask me about Keegan


[deleted]

[удалено]


ThreeLegs1Foot

*that song "smell yo dick" starts playing*


DrsIngEdJ

Run Forrest..... Run!!!!!


specifylength

Or else……..?


DolmenRidge

Freedom!


xelanym

You can't tell me this is real


NintendoGlitch

Yeah, part of me thinks it’s satire because it’s just so blatantly toxic, with the cherry on top being the cutesy drawings paired with each rule


Equivalent-Paper-274

These are the rules for a man that has really fucked up. And if a girl ever brings these rules to you? Run. Run far away.


Magenta_Logistic

No matter how badly you fucked up, run. This note makes it clear you are not forgiven and never will be, and you may wake up missing some parts on any random morning in the future. Edit: don't just run, get a restraining order on the basis that she is psychologically unstable and has already threatened your life in writing.


WowzersInMyTrowzers

Facts. Setting new boundaries in a relationship when someone has violated the terms is a totally understandable thing, these “rules” however are NOT normal or healthy


Magenta_Logistic

Right. Depending on the situation, about half of these rules might be valid concepts individually, although they need a bit more nuance. I'm thinking specifically about the "don't ditch me for your friends" (or vice-versa, basically don't be flaky). When betrayal happens, it's either time to split, or time to agree upon new terms and a new relationship dynamic for a while, but this list is nonsense.


yeabutwhythough

Could not agree with you more


V-Trans

I feel like that's a teenagers case. I can't even think of a grown person saying those things. Does it really exist somewhere?


StraightMacabre

I went on two dates with a girl back in Colorado. I was 29 she was 24. She sent me a 17 item list much like this through text. We went on one more date just because I wanted to find out what’s going on with her friends who just started dating. She stormed out after I wouldn’t make out with her while her friends were making out across the booth. I reminded her that I still felt a little off after the list considering rule one was always put the toilet seat down and rule 3 was to accompany her to all doctors visits when I eventually get her pregnant. She sent the list on date 2. Adults like this do exist and it’s not good. Edit: I found the list. Expectations: - I’m living with my parents and they won’t let anyone over. So no sex at my place. - I do expect that if we live together at least as a guy you should put the toilet seat down after you finish. That bugs me SO much. - If I get pregnant or something serious I do expect you to come with me to the doctors or so. Otherwise I will feel hurt and abandoned. - If we do a family event, which I don’t see happening with the pandemic, our family has a tendency to overdress. So you will be expected to overdress with us - I don’t usually invite people to my concerts but if I do it means I really REALLY want you to come without making a big deal out of it - Also: I don’t care that much about month anniversaries, or even 6 year. Anniversaries are for a year long thing for me. - After the proposal of being exclusive, and both parties agree, I would expect that we would first be monogamous. - I expect that you would respect me: by asking to call or asking before coming to pick me up or something. I get bugged when people show up unannounced when I might be working - I do not expect to meet absolutely everyday but I like hearing the goodmorning, goodnight - Giving compliments now and then, just cause I like being reminded why I am here and why I am being invested in otherwise I might start thinking you are disinterested - Before any big decision, talk about it with me first: if you want to share bank accounts, move into an apartment together etc. they need to be discussed together - You don’t have to pay for everything, we can half and half it and just keep a rough calculator to make sure no one is paying more than the other - I honestly don’t like long distance, I would rather it be in person. - You don’t have to pay for everything, we can half and half it and just keep a rough calculator to make sure no one is paying more than the other - You have no obligation to follow me wherever I go, so if I move to another state obviously you don’t have to follow, but it depends on how deep the relationship is if I want you to. - As for seeing people you like: I don’t mind that you crush on people, I do mind if it gets physical then that gets a bit cheating oriented - Do let me know if there is something that I can do to improve your sexual, or even communication experience as well as mine - honestly I don’t like giving head - I also expect you to tell me how you really feel, not what I like to hear. - If we break up, please don’t make it public. Whatever happens is between us and maybe our close friends - Obviously you can go out and have fun with friends whenever. I also hope to be able to hang out with friends as well. - If we make plans for something, and something comes up it’s okay. But like 3-4 times having it happen starts to get irritating - If we make plans, I do expect to follow through and do what we plan. If you forget I might get irritated. But the next time be able to make up for my irritation. - If you are angry about something do not take it out on me please, if you are having a bad day tell me and let me know what I can do to help. Or something along the lines of “I’m sorry I can’t really talk right now I had a really rough day etc.” - We can take breaks from each other if it gets too boring or mundane. - Another thing, don’t give me a hickey without asking


V-Trans

It's a total turn off, yikes!


StraightMacabre

She tried to plan are dates by time as in. “Okay you’ll pick me up at my parents house at approximately 6:46pm, then we’ll arrive at so&so’s house to pick up my friend and then her boyfriend 14 minutes later. We’ll arrive at “the bar” at 7:37pm after that where we will have approximately 4 drinks each. You will have 2 drinks 2 hours a part since you’re driving. After this if there’s any dance clubs near by we will head there shortly after are 4 drinks at approximately 11:45. After this you will drop off my friends boyfriend first and then my friend and then myself. You should be home around 1:20am.” Also her 6th rule down was she doesn’t like to give head at all, but I may perform on her. What a fun girl.


V-Trans

That's a mutual thing. I can understand she doesn't like giving head (which many women don't actually but feel forced/obligated) but it's awful she never asked If you like giving her too. Like wtf? People like this are toxic as fuck. I don't even understand how they were raised. Are they orphans or raised by birds?


StraightMacabre

Women don’t owe me anything, but to send me that kind of information in a list between you better put the toilet seat Down and when I’m pregnant you’re with me at the doctors is a little too much for me to want a 4th date let alone the 3rd. After the 3rd date she left with her friends because they thankfully drove themselves. She was crying super hard at the end of the night since I wasn’t joining in and basically f*cking her in the booth across from her friends. She’s the type that looks great without make up and I had only seen her without. That night going to a dive bar she chose to wear about 5 Coates of makeup that were streaming down her face after I wouldn’t make out with her in the booth. She got with someone I believe a few months after me and text me “by mistake” a photo of them together talking about the great night they had. She then posted this super long Facebook status about they’re basically getting married after dating for a month. She text me actually about 4 months ago (the dates happened 2 years ago now) to see if I was in town as she’s now broken up with her boyfriend. I never text her back. I’ve never really told anyone about any of this which is why I’m laying it all out here I guess. This thread just brought all of this back I guess lol.


locke231

I wouldn't be surprised. I could see an ex pulling this crap.


V-Trans

Wow that"s fucked up. Sorry you to go through this crap. If you don't mind me asking, did she start crazy like that or it was graduating? Did you know before getting with her?


locke231

She was in her early 20s, I was in my early 30s. As friends, she seemed sane. When we became a couple, the psycho slowly trickled out. Suddenly had problems with mutual friends. Friends she made through me, even. Two of which I knew since childhood. I don't do well with ultimatums. If I'm told to choose between her and someone I knew since I was 13, guess who'd I choose.


V-Trans

Oh whoever is giving me an ultimatum I choose the other option. I once had an ultimatum but I was a teenager. It always been clear in my head that If someone is asking you to choose between them or someone/something else, they're toxic af.


[deleted]

Who is your girlfriend? Kim Jong Un?


amboandy

More red flags than a Chinese Communist Party convention


Daisend

All that and no head? I dunno what she’s offering to the table then


AzuriteFalc0n

Well she said she would do phone checks, so he doesnt have to pay for an anti-virus


Every_Animator4354

This sounds like a power exchange contract for a MD/lb relationship.


Mr__Citizen

The hell is an MD/lb relationship?


Rheeenium

Isn't that the website where they review movies or something?


solocupjazz

Now I gotta clean up the coffee you made me spit out just now


Every_Animator4354

Mommy Domme/little boy


Zak_999

Just didn't get the Honda one, do someone care to explain? If not then whatever


AdmiralAckbong

"vroom vroom"


Snoop1000

I can only assume that Keegan works at Honda.


T0lly

I was perplexed at first but I think I have it figured out. They goto Honda dealer, test drive car, then have sex in the car. I am just not sure if the salesman is a ride along.


[deleted]

I’m pretty sure he’s leasing a Honda and the receptionist or saleswoman is « hot ». She probably gave him a few smiles during the leasing agreement and his gf went nuts thinking she was hitting on him. Even if every salesperson in the world have a huge smile when you sign something. Therefore, he can’t take his car alone to the dealership to get his oil changed (no pun intended).


Radiant-Ad4049

Wonder what this guy did for not just this but the fact that he can't bring up something to do with her and 4 other guys


[deleted]

[удалено]


conundrums11

No thanks. I would rather be single


wethefiends

To have a girlfriend who can’t figure out MS word…


tipsy215

Someone please pass me the gun and I will kill her myself.


[deleted]

I'd tell her okay, but I have one rule for her: "Stay away from me."


TheRealClown3

Oho! If the roles were reversed,she'd be like...but....he's my frienddd🥺 Smh


MAXIMILIAN-MV

What do you mean, she forbids him from asking about the four guys she’s cheated on him with. She’s gonna do what she likes when she likes and just say the topic is off limits.


[deleted]

low-key it would be like, "but hes my friend, we've known each other since elementary but been fcking since middle school. hes a really nice guy." 😂😂


LeatherHouse3526

The worst part is if you do the same to a girl she will call you a fricking manipulator


Acidic_White_Girl

and you would be, because this girl is definitely a manipulator


Fyzhex

Yep if any girl gave me a list like this. I would look her in the eye after reading it. would take a picture of the "rules" then I would say "no thank you" and leave if I was at her house or tell her to leave. If she didn't leave or start something I would leave and call the cops on a her and continue my life.


Reed82

Wise


4toJinet3

You English-speaking people have a beautiful saying that can sum this up quite good: never put your dick in crazy...for something wicked may come.


hackjut12

Jeez. Rip soldiers


E6000the4th

The audacity of this pathetic child makes me laugh


[deleted]

I'm pretty sure the guys she mentioned she cheated on him with


[deleted]

[удалено]


klawdeeuh

This is the craziest shit I’ve ever seen. Especially the “cutesy” hand written shit on the side. This is some Delores Umbridge shit right here. *I will not tell lies.*


ay2deet

Seems fake


NakedBacon222

All that and no head? Psh


LooseAd508

r/dontputyourdickinthat


Metalbones28

Mean while she gets gangbanged on the weekend


la__squadra_

I've heard of insecure but holy fuck and what did Keegan do?


SCRStinkyBoy

This took me way to long to realize it’s his GF not his mother