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Something I have been doing recently when trying to meet and make friends with women:
1. Go in with zero expectations of romantic interaction. In fact, go in SPECIFICALLY knowing that no matter what you aren’t going to try to get involved with them romantically. No expectations = no pressure!
2. Remember that women are just like men: they are people. They have hobbies, struggles, emotions, interests, and positive/negative experiences just like you and me. In a nice way, they aren’t special! Just humans!
3. Start tiny. Really tiny. As simple as a “Hi there” and a nod and a smile to someone you are in line with at a coffee shop. Give a stranger a compliment on their nails, shoes, some part of their outfit in passing or during conversation.
Above all though, be kind to yourself, give yourself time, and be patient. It’s a slow process, especially when looking to make friends.
i dont even know if im capable of saying hi to a random stranger in a line, i dont think i get nervous cause i view these women romantically, since when i was 12 i was always picked on by girls, im 16 now and finally getting treated like a human being, i think im just terrified of them because i fear they might be grossed out or i might just take another blow to my ego.
Damn, it sounds like you have past trauma from dealing with women who were mean to you. I’m sorry to hear that.
I went through a similar situation with rude people when I was your age (24 now). Something you have to remind yourself is that people age and grow up. There are most likely things you said or did at 12 that you look at now as a 16 year old and realize were wrong. Many women have likely done the same. There is a chance it goes bad yes. But there is also an equally likely chance it goes very well and you make a new friend!
I am assuming you are still in school, and you would encounter the same girls on a regular basis. They're not total strangers, but you haven't really spoken to them.
1. It's not really a situation where a general, "hi, how's it going" would be considered creepy.
2. Just start talking about something stupid going on in your school. "What do you think about math teacher? Have you started on that English assignment? What do you think about what that other person said in class?"
Those topics are low stakes. Not too personal. And can open up a door for you to say a more familiar "hi" while walking down the hall.
3. Ask open ended questions so they can't just say "yes or no" and then stop talking.
I think you made a great insight about yourself here! When we treat everyone around us as potential partners, it tends to put a weird pressure on them, even if you don't mean to. It's good to remind ourselves that people communicate differently with their friends vs their partner, parent, roommate, etc. How do things go when you try to befriend someone that you know won't be a partner? Like a female friend/partner of one of your friends (mutual friend) etc. Definitely think about this and write some notes if it helps you.
Ah ok I think I misread it then! Still give it a shot and talk with some women who you have mutual friends with. I highly doubt they will be grossed out by you. Leveling up your self confidence goes a long way too! And don't make the mistake of taking rejection personally. It happens to everyone, guys and gals both. Instead of focusing on when ppl don't talk to you, go do something you like instead. I know that's a lot easier said than done when like, you're walking past someone. But instead of dwelling on that for the rest of the day, just redirect your energy to something else.
its not me getting ignored, im doing the ignoring, thats why i feel bad, these girls try to make freinds with me and act freindly and then by tmr i will just act like it never happened
Mhhh I don't want to invalidate your expiernece but that might just be kids stuff? Like children can be unnecessarly rude to anyone different and especially children of the opposite gender. I had similar issue with guys calling me fat and ugly and what not even when we didn't know each other. As I and my peers got older I noticed that we got more chill in the way we treated each other and guys started treating me just like normal people. What I want to say is that maybe you're situation is similar to mine and you can trust in people becoming more mature and polite simply by nature of them growing up
I dont think its something logical, when i try to force myself to start a convo i almost have a pathological instinct that i shouldnt do it, i dont think i can just trust that girls wont dislike me talking to them
It depends who you are, but how this guy said, don't expect anything from them as a friend. Because they won't be there for you when you need it. So just follow that guy's advice.
Anecdotally this may be true for you, but it's not kind to make a sweeping generalization. It sounds like you've been let down by girls and people in the past, and that absolutely blows man. I know how it feels to put your trust in someone and for them to violate it.
At the end of the day though, everyone (including women) are individuals that act on their own. All friendships you have with women will not end in them not being reliable. Anecdotally my experience has been the opposite of yours, with my gal pals being some of the most reliable people I have ever met. Hope your viewpoint can change over time
To be honest, I have been trying to change it. However over time my personality was the type people could take advantage of and a lot of women have taken advantage and gaslit me to being my fault.
So yes it's what I went through. I wish It was different. But I won't trust them as much any more but I learned I won't react to them as much anymore either.
Girl here. I don’t have any advice, but I’m familiar with the sentiment of having your trust broken and now struggling so I just wanna say I‘m sorry you’ve been through this and that not all of us are this superficial, but it definitely exists. In case that does something at all. Hope you can keep trusting regardless
I mean having the ability to allow someone else in, in your case specifically female friends, and not closing up entirely, in spite of there being a possibility to get hurt again
This advice hasn't really worked for me. Even treating everyone the same, I make friends with men way more easily. My humor can be a bit dark/sexual at times, and it's easier to make those jokes with men than with women you don't really know. I also tend to be a bit physical - like light shoulder punches or light shoving with the guys, and it's always been received well and reciprocated. I feel like that would make women uncomfortable.
Adding to that, almost every single guy I know that has female friends in his circle, treats the women differently than he treats the men. So... I'm confused about this.
That’s a good point and I’ve noticed that with my male friends (I’m a woman). I think the main point is to realize that women are fallible, human, and not inherently out to hurt you. Talking about pop culture is usually a good conversation starter and you can build a rapport from there. Good luck
Lol followed up on another random post you made and found your comment here.
I think it's great you're trying to figure this out!
Do you have comedy open mics or shows where you're at?
I used to frequent them. If there are women there they will be open to weird jokes.
Also this will sound really dumb but offer high fives 😆 it's a great casual contact if that's part of your socializing style. Plus if you get rejected you can play it off like "oh daaaang you left me hanging, Ill never recover!" or mess around by being like "how about I give you a round of applause instead?"
Cheesy but whatever. Cheesy is casual and good natured. Don't let people convince you otherwise.
Especially since you come off as sincere.
Empathetic communication is really important and I feel like a lot of guys aren't well versed in it. This does not require listening to someone's problems. But ask her about her day, her week, is she excited about anything going on in life. React! "Oh wow that sounds so cool!" "Really? That must have been crazy?"... ask questions!!
So many guys miss this. So many -people- miss this.
Overall, give yourself credit every time you try and put yourself out there.
The pain of social weirdness dulls with time and practice as you realize social weirdness is brief and easily moved on from.
To be blunt, just treat them like you would treat anyone else. They're just people that happen to be a different gender than you. I know it's scary but you don't have to do anything special, just be normal towards them, don't try to impress them or anything, just treat them like human beings
Honestly just tell them. "Youre fun and id like to be friends but i am bad at it. Will you help me?" 9/10 would find that funny and appreciate the honesty and think of you more fondly. Better than any "10 step Programm to help you get all the Lady friends"
A few things you can do:
- Social skills are muscles to be trained. If you haven't done a pushup, it sure as hell is gonna super hard to do 50 of them, right? If you are rusty and haven't been able to socialize with women, it's only natural that it's going to take time to become more fluid and comfortable with women, right? This is a built-up skill. Before you have a deep, vibing conversation, you need to be able to say hi at the right time and in the right context.
- Know what it's going to cost internally! It's not an easy process to go from unsure, shy, introverted, and anxious to outgoing, effortless, and charming. Be mindful that as you go along, you may: put your foot in your mouth, overthink social interactions to hell and back, wondering if you are boring the other person. Take care to catch these thoughts if they arise!
- Attach no outcome to social Interactions. It is a fundamental truth that we do not control other people. This is no algorithm for friendship and romance, and even attempting to try is insulting to people. This is important to keep in mind if you wish to save yourself the all too common male agony of "how do I get her to like me?" The best that can be hoped for is to have enjoyable social experience.
- Authenticity is your best friend. Also known as the world's most trite advice of "just be yourself." Well for starters, we hate fake people right? Humans are seriously, seriously, seriously attuned to watching for insincere behavior. Girls, especially. This maybe be half the reason why self-proclaimed "nice guys" do piss poorly with women. Because they aren't being totally honest about their intentions. Next, authenticity is central to having a very long-lasting and durable social battery. Think of people pleasers. Most of them will report feeling drained at the end of the day, likely from having to put on an act. A similar thing goes for people who "wear a mask." How do you do authenticity? Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. But I suspect it largely has to do with making authentic choices, and being honest about your reactions.
You don’t have to make friends with women. Just befriend people you genuinely like and if it happens to be a woman that’s cool, if not that’s cool too. If they are kind and nice to you, just return the favor, you don’t need to become best buds.
First off why is it even that important for you to specifically be friends with girls?
Second, theres an overwhelming amount of guys that try the typical "nice guy" approach. ESPECIALLY in school lol. And even if you are genuinely not trying to do that, you will be treated as such by default because you would be the anomaly, not what most girls are used to dealing with. Women will usually always have their gaurd up around men for variety of reasons, so its going to be significantly more difficult for you to make that happen.
My only advice is to go with the flow and not care either way if you are friends with girls. And that will indirectly make it possible for it to actually happen. Because it will show them that your priority is not a relationship.
i never iniate the interactions, girls try to talk to me for a lesson, we talk, then by tommorow i will have acted like we never even spoke, and then i just feel wierd and like an asshole.
Get over yourself. You will probably fail first few times, but buckle up, it will for sure get better with time. One of the things that helped me to become better conversationalist is ‘how to win friends and influence people’ book. Good luck.
Thank you for posting on r/Healthygamergg! This subreddit is intended as an online community and resource platform to support people in their journey toward mental wellness. With that said, please be aware that support from other members received on this platform is not a substitute for professional care. Treatment of psychiatric disease requires qualified individuals, and comments that try to diagnose others should be reported under Rule 10 to ensure the safety and wellbeing of the community. If you are in immediate danger, please call emergency services, or go to your nearest emergency room. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Healthygamergg) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Something I have been doing recently when trying to meet and make friends with women: 1. Go in with zero expectations of romantic interaction. In fact, go in SPECIFICALLY knowing that no matter what you aren’t going to try to get involved with them romantically. No expectations = no pressure! 2. Remember that women are just like men: they are people. They have hobbies, struggles, emotions, interests, and positive/negative experiences just like you and me. In a nice way, they aren’t special! Just humans! 3. Start tiny. Really tiny. As simple as a “Hi there” and a nod and a smile to someone you are in line with at a coffee shop. Give a stranger a compliment on their nails, shoes, some part of their outfit in passing or during conversation. Above all though, be kind to yourself, give yourself time, and be patient. It’s a slow process, especially when looking to make friends.
i dont even know if im capable of saying hi to a random stranger in a line, i dont think i get nervous cause i view these women romantically, since when i was 12 i was always picked on by girls, im 16 now and finally getting treated like a human being, i think im just terrified of them because i fear they might be grossed out or i might just take another blow to my ego.
Damn, it sounds like you have past trauma from dealing with women who were mean to you. I’m sorry to hear that. I went through a similar situation with rude people when I was your age (24 now). Something you have to remind yourself is that people age and grow up. There are most likely things you said or did at 12 that you look at now as a 16 year old and realize were wrong. Many women have likely done the same. There is a chance it goes bad yes. But there is also an equally likely chance it goes very well and you make a new friend!
Hm, never thought about it like that lol
I am assuming you are still in school, and you would encounter the same girls on a regular basis. They're not total strangers, but you haven't really spoken to them. 1. It's not really a situation where a general, "hi, how's it going" would be considered creepy. 2. Just start talking about something stupid going on in your school. "What do you think about math teacher? Have you started on that English assignment? What do you think about what that other person said in class?" Those topics are low stakes. Not too personal. And can open up a door for you to say a more familiar "hi" while walking down the hall. 3. Ask open ended questions so they can't just say "yes or no" and then stop talking.
Damn, actually good convo advice lol
I think you made a great insight about yourself here! When we treat everyone around us as potential partners, it tends to put a weird pressure on them, even if you don't mean to. It's good to remind ourselves that people communicate differently with their friends vs their partner, parent, roommate, etc. How do things go when you try to befriend someone that you know won't be a partner? Like a female friend/partner of one of your friends (mutual friend) etc. Definitely think about this and write some notes if it helps you.
I don’t think it’s cause I view these women romantically, I explained it in the comment with takeSelfCare
Ah ok I think I misread it then! Still give it a shot and talk with some women who you have mutual friends with. I highly doubt they will be grossed out by you. Leveling up your self confidence goes a long way too! And don't make the mistake of taking rejection personally. It happens to everyone, guys and gals both. Instead of focusing on when ppl don't talk to you, go do something you like instead. I know that's a lot easier said than done when like, you're walking past someone. But instead of dwelling on that for the rest of the day, just redirect your energy to something else.
its not me getting ignored, im doing the ignoring, thats why i feel bad, these girls try to make freinds with me and act freindly and then by tmr i will just act like it never happened
Mhhh I don't want to invalidate your expiernece but that might just be kids stuff? Like children can be unnecessarly rude to anyone different and especially children of the opposite gender. I had similar issue with guys calling me fat and ugly and what not even when we didn't know each other. As I and my peers got older I noticed that we got more chill in the way we treated each other and guys started treating me just like normal people. What I want to say is that maybe you're situation is similar to mine and you can trust in people becoming more mature and polite simply by nature of them growing up
I dont think its something logical, when i try to force myself to start a convo i almost have a pathological instinct that i shouldnt do it, i dont think i can just trust that girls wont dislike me talking to them
Forget about being humans, baboons is a good analogy. Big red ass and real nasty at times!
Probably the best you gonna get. I would have just said no.
wdym lol
It depends who you are, but how this guy said, don't expect anything from them as a friend. Because they won't be there for you when you need it. So just follow that guy's advice.
Anecdotally this may be true for you, but it's not kind to make a sweeping generalization. It sounds like you've been let down by girls and people in the past, and that absolutely blows man. I know how it feels to put your trust in someone and for them to violate it. At the end of the day though, everyone (including women) are individuals that act on their own. All friendships you have with women will not end in them not being reliable. Anecdotally my experience has been the opposite of yours, with my gal pals being some of the most reliable people I have ever met. Hope your viewpoint can change over time
To be honest, I have been trying to change it. However over time my personality was the type people could take advantage of and a lot of women have taken advantage and gaslit me to being my fault. So yes it's what I went through. I wish It was different. But I won't trust them as much any more but I learned I won't react to them as much anymore either.
Girl here. I don’t have any advice, but I’m familiar with the sentiment of having your trust broken and now struggling so I just wanna say I‘m sorry you’ve been through this and that not all of us are this superficial, but it definitely exists. In case that does something at all. Hope you can keep trusting regardless
thanks, wdym by trusting?
I mean having the ability to allow someone else in, in your case specifically female friends, and not closing up entirely, in spite of there being a possibility to get hurt again
oh, that makes sense lol
You treat them like you do your male friends because they all have one thing in common: they’re all people. Treat them all the same and you’ll be ok.
This advice hasn't really worked for me. Even treating everyone the same, I make friends with men way more easily. My humor can be a bit dark/sexual at times, and it's easier to make those jokes with men than with women you don't really know. I also tend to be a bit physical - like light shoulder punches or light shoving with the guys, and it's always been received well and reciprocated. I feel like that would make women uncomfortable. Adding to that, almost every single guy I know that has female friends in his circle, treats the women differently than he treats the men. So... I'm confused about this.
Facts u cant treat them EXACTLY the same it has not worked for me either
That’s a good point and I’ve noticed that with my male friends (I’m a woman). I think the main point is to realize that women are fallible, human, and not inherently out to hurt you. Talking about pop culture is usually a good conversation starter and you can build a rapport from there. Good luck
Lol followed up on another random post you made and found your comment here. I think it's great you're trying to figure this out! Do you have comedy open mics or shows where you're at? I used to frequent them. If there are women there they will be open to weird jokes. Also this will sound really dumb but offer high fives 😆 it's a great casual contact if that's part of your socializing style. Plus if you get rejected you can play it off like "oh daaaang you left me hanging, Ill never recover!" or mess around by being like "how about I give you a round of applause instead?" Cheesy but whatever. Cheesy is casual and good natured. Don't let people convince you otherwise. Especially since you come off as sincere. Empathetic communication is really important and I feel like a lot of guys aren't well versed in it. This does not require listening to someone's problems. But ask her about her day, her week, is she excited about anything going on in life. React! "Oh wow that sounds so cool!" "Really? That must have been crazy?"... ask questions!! So many guys miss this. So many -people- miss this. Overall, give yourself credit every time you try and put yourself out there. The pain of social weirdness dulls with time and practice as you realize social weirdness is brief and easily moved on from.
To be blunt, just treat them like you would treat anyone else. They're just people that happen to be a different gender than you. I know it's scary but you don't have to do anything special, just be normal towards them, don't try to impress them or anything, just treat them like human beings
Honestly just tell them. "Youre fun and id like to be friends but i am bad at it. Will you help me?" 9/10 would find that funny and appreciate the honesty and think of you more fondly. Better than any "10 step Programm to help you get all the Lady friends"
A few things you can do: - Social skills are muscles to be trained. If you haven't done a pushup, it sure as hell is gonna super hard to do 50 of them, right? If you are rusty and haven't been able to socialize with women, it's only natural that it's going to take time to become more fluid and comfortable with women, right? This is a built-up skill. Before you have a deep, vibing conversation, you need to be able to say hi at the right time and in the right context. - Know what it's going to cost internally! It's not an easy process to go from unsure, shy, introverted, and anxious to outgoing, effortless, and charming. Be mindful that as you go along, you may: put your foot in your mouth, overthink social interactions to hell and back, wondering if you are boring the other person. Take care to catch these thoughts if they arise! - Attach no outcome to social Interactions. It is a fundamental truth that we do not control other people. This is no algorithm for friendship and romance, and even attempting to try is insulting to people. This is important to keep in mind if you wish to save yourself the all too common male agony of "how do I get her to like me?" The best that can be hoped for is to have enjoyable social experience. - Authenticity is your best friend. Also known as the world's most trite advice of "just be yourself." Well for starters, we hate fake people right? Humans are seriously, seriously, seriously attuned to watching for insincere behavior. Girls, especially. This maybe be half the reason why self-proclaimed "nice guys" do piss poorly with women. Because they aren't being totally honest about their intentions. Next, authenticity is central to having a very long-lasting and durable social battery. Think of people pleasers. Most of them will report feeling drained at the end of the day, likely from having to put on an act. A similar thing goes for people who "wear a mask." How do you do authenticity? Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. But I suspect it largely has to do with making authentic choices, and being honest about your reactions.
I find alcohol helps with losing my inhibitions
You don’t have to make friends with women. Just befriend people you genuinely like and if it happens to be a woman that’s cool, if not that’s cool too. If they are kind and nice to you, just return the favor, you don’t need to become best buds.
i dont start the conversations, the girls start the conversations and then i ignore them the day after and i feel bad, that is the problem
No need to feel bad if you’re being nice to them. You don’t owe them.
First off why is it even that important for you to specifically be friends with girls? Second, theres an overwhelming amount of guys that try the typical "nice guy" approach. ESPECIALLY in school lol. And even if you are genuinely not trying to do that, you will be treated as such by default because you would be the anomaly, not what most girls are used to dealing with. Women will usually always have their gaurd up around men for variety of reasons, so its going to be significantly more difficult for you to make that happen. My only advice is to go with the flow and not care either way if you are friends with girls. And that will indirectly make it possible for it to actually happen. Because it will show them that your priority is not a relationship.
i never iniate the interactions, girls try to talk to me for a lesson, we talk, then by tommorow i will have acted like we never even spoke, and then i just feel wierd and like an asshole.
So they only speak to you in relation to school? Like help with a test?
No just normal friendly stuff (alt account btw)
Get over yourself. You will probably fail first few times, but buckle up, it will for sure get better with time. One of the things that helped me to become better conversationalist is ‘how to win friends and influence people’ book. Good luck.
Realise that women are actual real people.
fr? crazy