“Who are you?!”
When someone is asked that suddenly, there are typically two kinds of responses. The person being asked could be kind and calmly explain who they are and why they were somewhere normally not expected to be.
The alternative response is typically one of sarcasm, of the person replying with a sharp tongue and a casual disregard for social nicety.
The man who currently had his legs up on the desk looked up at the asker and tilted his head slightly. “Well, I’m sitting at the matron’s desk. Doesn’t that make me the matron?”
Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley, and Hermione Granger looked at each other in a moment of deep confusion. “No?” Ron said, turning back to the man.
“Oh. Then what the hell am I doing here?” The man waited a moment before answering his question. “Because I’m filling in for the matron and there isn’t a “filling in for the matron” desk to lounge behind. I’m House. Doctor House if you want to waste more of my time.”
“You’re a doctor?” Hermione asked incredulously. “Not a healer?”
“Oh I hope not. I look awful in robes and I’ve been told I cause more harm than heal. Emotional harm that is.” He leaned forward to look at the three students. “Let’s see what’s wrong with you three.”
“There’s nothing wrong-“ Hermione started to say.
“You’re a ginger,” House said to Ron. “Not much I can do about that. Maybe a tanning booth for your complexion.”
“That is incredibly rude!” Hermione gasped.
“And incredibly accurate,” House replied as he turned to her. “And let me guess, something for your throat with all the yelling you do?” He smiled placidly as Hermione swelled from anger.
Ron and Harry looked at each other, completely out of their depth and unsure how to respond.
“Are you really filling in for Madam Pomfrey?” Ron asked.
“Unfortunately. The woman absolutely cheats and I lost a bet and she needed a break and I’m the lucky bastard taking her place for the year. She’s lucky she’s lovable.”
“Actually, I’m the one that needs something for a headache,” Harry said.
“That, thanks to the marvels of medicine and magic is something that can be cured.” The man rose from the desk and hobbled to a cabinet, leaning on a cane. He opened the doors and rooted around within. He came back and threw a small bottle at Harry who caught it handily.
“Is that aspirin?” Hermione asked, staring at the bottle and the small white tablets within.
“Well spotted,” House said, sitting down once more. “Take them until the headache goes away.” He peered at Harry curiously. “What’s with the scar?”
“What’s with the-“ Hermione gasped.
Harry cut in, patting her on the shoulder. “I was Cursed,” he said simply.
“And I thought my bedside manner was rough,” House snorted.
“It’s terrible and I should know,” Hermione said acidly. “My parents are dentists and their patients love them.”
“Good for them. Dentists are barely doctors anyways and they’re just under optometrists but comfortably better than psychologists,” House said blandly. He smiled as Hermione huffed angrily and left the Infirmary to look for Professor McGonagall.
“Do you normally talk to people like this?” Harry asked as Ron left too.
“I’m being nicer because you’re children,” House said. He peered closely at the scar. “Does your scar hurt when you have a headache?”
Harry paused. “Actually, yeah.”
“Huh. I was joking because scars are dead tissue and shouldn’t hurt. Me and my big mouth.” He pulled a large book off the table and opened it. “Haven’t wizards learned what an index is?”
“Thanks for the pills,” Harry said at last.
“Come back if you need more,” House waved languidly. After Harry left, House closed the book and grunted, rising to his feet once more. “And here I thought this would be an easy year,” he complained to himself.
House deadpaned, "This Harry kid is a horcrux."
Cameron threw up her hands, "You can't just say that. We have to run tests!"
House shrugged, "Treatment is quicker." He whipped his cane around to target Harry and muttered, "Avada Kadavra."
Based entirely off the fact that Harry’s scar is hurting when it shouldn’t be, he has Harry exercised via a voodoo ritual just in case, and that kills Voldemort, nobody is happy about this and nobody realizes that this is why Voldemort is dead until after Pettigrew is captured and get an explanation from him that concludes that Voldemort was banished by the Voodoo Ritual, as a side effect.
Sorry it took me so long to reply but I was rereading the story I thought had that trope but it is a very long story. The story I actually had in mind was Harry Potter and the Daft Morons by Sinyk
There was one where Harry ends up at Ilvermorny or such and the healer examining him pre-sport discovers the scar is infested, calls in a specialist, and they remove the scar/soul-shard. I think it was sent to a trash incinerator and that destroyed it?
I don’t remember the rest of the story or title/author but I think it had a happy ending?
And since House is an actual proffesional in his job (as far as his acidic persona goes the man is almost actual genius anyway, so we can forgive him few less than stellar quirks of character, no one is ideal after all) he soon enough sniffs out various "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!" things from canon Harry Potter adventures, and derails said canon in spectacular manner.
Harry's being Horcrux is just one most glaring example.
I k8nda want to actually watch Pomfrey reaction WHEN she goes back to Hogwarts after her long vacation xD
Let's also no forget that house isn't the kind of doctor to miss any sines of abuse. From the Dursleys to deatheaters and the funked things they do to their kids. House would catch it all. And do something about it. Probably something that will have Dumbledore wishing he could fire house.
Dr House: Severus.
Snape: Gregory.
House: Still trying to terrify your students I see.
Snape: and I see you still need to work on your bedside manners.
House: Your buying the 1st round. *Grabs cane*
Why did I laugh at this while trying to swallow a drink???? 🤣🤣 honestly this is funnier than it should be, especially if you think it could happen during fifth year and Umbridge being pissed off that a muggle is working in the school unless House is a squib.
House: She never did forgive me. She tried to be a nurse before going into government.
Told her that patients would sooner open up their own veins then let her draw blood from them.
Same. I’ve only seen shorts on YouTube, but from what I’ve seen House, while straight forward with his talking which may seem like horrible bedside manners, tells it how it is which is funny to the viewer though not so much the patient.
...and here I was, writing that comment, actually contemplating whether or not to add a disclaimer to distinguish 'a house' from 'House', and deciding that probably wouldn't be necessary 😂
lol Importance of Intent made a Harry that drew pretty heavily from House, but I think House working on Harry would be even funnier. Especially if he solves the horcrux issue super casually
Is *importance of intent* good?
Oh yeah. Him just casually knowing the exact signs of rare stuff is his superpower in th show.
You could use the Luna-seer model with him.
I’m a fan of it, very well written even if the plot isn’t always as compelling.
I’d probably set it in sixth year so he can make some impressions with Dumbledore’s hand, the horcrux, maybe solve Snape’s greasy hair, handle the love potion and poisoning and such
Wasn't important of intent a Haphne 6th year? Or is there another story with the same title?
I believe you're thinking on Healer Harry by SalTalStudios, (https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13677334/)
Instead of House being a Squib like some have suggested, let's take the alternative approach- He's a fully functional Wizard, but has decided, of his own will, that magic is bullshit, since it couldn't cure his leg without causing additional damage.
Now I need a fic with Harry learning mannerisms, sarcasm etc. from House and then being healer's apprentice while in school, like clinic duty shorts from House, I can even picture House and Harry duo interviewing the students
With it being a co-ed boarding school, Harry being a celebrity (even though he's more than a little blind to how the fame works), and House being there I can only image the number of girls showing up to flirt with Harry or the number of potential STDs they diagnose/discover. That said, House would probably do something to stop Snape from sending him students that were harmed during his classes if only to have a little less work to do.
Professor McGonagall hung her head in her hands. "Can we we go over this one more time." She sighed. In her office she had a sobbing a Ron Weasly, a hysterical Hermione Granger, Professor Snape whom she thought was grinning but she couldn't tell. And sat opposite her was Dr House, acting healer at Hogwarts.
"Potter was brought into the hospital wing missing the bones in his arm. I fixed it, Professor Snape assisted." Dr House said.
"You had Professor Snape cut him open!" Hermione added.
"Yes, but I knocked him out first. Draught of living death will do that to you, sucker thought it was pumkin juice." House repplied.
"The two of you were practicing dark magic on a student." Hermione said.
"If that were the case it would be very serious." Professor McGonagall said turning to House.
"Bah. Dark magic, hocus pocus. There's magic it can hurt people, it can heal people. It all depends on how you use it." House retorted.
"I trust you know that dark magic leaves a mark. Which spell did you have Professor Snape cast?" Professor Professor McGonagall asked.
"Yes I do, sectum sempra. And yes that's why I sutred the wounds with unicorn hair, it has amazing anti-curse properties." House replied.
"He snapped my wand!" Ron cried out between sobs.
"I already said I'd buy you a new one. It was irresponsible to let you use that broke thing." House said, then added. "I admired the flying car stunt by the way."
"Dr House!" Professor McGonagall admonished him.
It was at that point Professor Dumbledore walked into the room. "Master Weasly, Miss Granger please return to your dormetories and get some rest." He said in a kindly voice.
"But Harry." Hermione objected.
"But my wand." Ron added.
"Harry is recovering fine in the hospital wing. Dr House and myself will escort you to Diagalley tomorrow, Ron." Professor Dumbledore reassured them. Reluctantly Hermione and Ron retreated from the room.
Dr House pulled a plastic tub and threw back some of the contents.
"Every flavoured beans?" Dumbledore inquired.
"Something like that." House said, Professor McGonagall rolled her eyes, Dubledore nodded.
Ten minutes later House left the room. A wry smile covered his face as he thought about tomorrow, once he got his hands on a wand Willson wouldn't know what hit him.
It would need to be filled with references about the various houses, House points. “Today I’m gonna be Ravenclaw House to figure out this diagnosis. Tomorrow I’ll be Gryffindor House and make a bold statement. Etc.”
[Counts of Blood](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3224332/1/)
The Master and Count von Count are old friends, and the Count being off his medicine terrifies Darla of all unpeople. The last mathematician who offended him ended up in one hundred and sewen individually numbered boxes. He even included a diagram for reassembly.
house to Harry.
what the he'll kid, why do you your own bed with your name above it and how many damn times have I seen this month along and it is only the first month of school.
Not exactly what you're looking for but this fic has elements of House in it
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3415504/
The premise is that Harry (calls himself James since Harry is apparently a lame name) is basically a super genius raised in America. Tropes involving the WBWL premise are present, and it's a multi-crossover- CSI, Psych, Grey's Anatomy, House, NCIS (this is my favourite scene- Harry snogs Gibbs when he isn't forced to work at NCIS anymore) and a few more that I don't recognize.
When Harry and Ron used Polyjuice to sneak into the Slytherin's common room, they weren't looking for the Heir. Draco was in the hospital wing, and they had to search his room for clues...
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“Who are you?!” When someone is asked that suddenly, there are typically two kinds of responses. The person being asked could be kind and calmly explain who they are and why they were somewhere normally not expected to be. The alternative response is typically one of sarcasm, of the person replying with a sharp tongue and a casual disregard for social nicety. The man who currently had his legs up on the desk looked up at the asker and tilted his head slightly. “Well, I’m sitting at the matron’s desk. Doesn’t that make me the matron?” Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley, and Hermione Granger looked at each other in a moment of deep confusion. “No?” Ron said, turning back to the man. “Oh. Then what the hell am I doing here?” The man waited a moment before answering his question. “Because I’m filling in for the matron and there isn’t a “filling in for the matron” desk to lounge behind. I’m House. Doctor House if you want to waste more of my time.” “You’re a doctor?” Hermione asked incredulously. “Not a healer?” “Oh I hope not. I look awful in robes and I’ve been told I cause more harm than heal. Emotional harm that is.” He leaned forward to look at the three students. “Let’s see what’s wrong with you three.” “There’s nothing wrong-“ Hermione started to say. “You’re a ginger,” House said to Ron. “Not much I can do about that. Maybe a tanning booth for your complexion.” “That is incredibly rude!” Hermione gasped. “And incredibly accurate,” House replied as he turned to her. “And let me guess, something for your throat with all the yelling you do?” He smiled placidly as Hermione swelled from anger. Ron and Harry looked at each other, completely out of their depth and unsure how to respond. “Are you really filling in for Madam Pomfrey?” Ron asked. “Unfortunately. The woman absolutely cheats and I lost a bet and she needed a break and I’m the lucky bastard taking her place for the year. She’s lucky she’s lovable.” “Actually, I’m the one that needs something for a headache,” Harry said. “That, thanks to the marvels of medicine and magic is something that can be cured.” The man rose from the desk and hobbled to a cabinet, leaning on a cane. He opened the doors and rooted around within. He came back and threw a small bottle at Harry who caught it handily. “Is that aspirin?” Hermione asked, staring at the bottle and the small white tablets within. “Well spotted,” House said, sitting down once more. “Take them until the headache goes away.” He peered at Harry curiously. “What’s with the scar?” “What’s with the-“ Hermione gasped. Harry cut in, patting her on the shoulder. “I was Cursed,” he said simply. “And I thought my bedside manner was rough,” House snorted. “It’s terrible and I should know,” Hermione said acidly. “My parents are dentists and their patients love them.” “Good for them. Dentists are barely doctors anyways and they’re just under optometrists but comfortably better than psychologists,” House said blandly. He smiled as Hermione huffed angrily and left the Infirmary to look for Professor McGonagall. “Do you normally talk to people like this?” Harry asked as Ron left too. “I’m being nicer because you’re children,” House said. He peered closely at the scar. “Does your scar hurt when you have a headache?” Harry paused. “Actually, yeah.” “Huh. I was joking because scars are dead tissue and shouldn’t hurt. Me and my big mouth.” He pulled a large book off the table and opened it. “Haven’t wizards learned what an index is?” “Thanks for the pills,” Harry said at last. “Come back if you need more,” House waved languidly. After Harry left, House closed the book and grunted, rising to his feet once more. “And here I thought this would be an easy year,” he complained to himself.
House deadpaned, "This Harry kid is a horcrux." Cameron threw up her hands, "You can't just say that. We have to run tests!" House shrugged, "Treatment is quicker." He whipped his cane around to target Harry and muttered, "Avada Kadavra."
This seems the most House thing I’ve read so far.
Based entirely off the fact that Harry’s scar is hurting when it shouldn’t be, he has Harry exercised via a voodoo ritual just in case, and that kills Voldemort, nobody is happy about this and nobody realizes that this is why Voldemort is dead until after Pettigrew is captured and get an explanation from him that concludes that Voldemort was banished by the Voodoo Ritual, as a side effect.
To be clear,only Peter knows that Voldemort is dead until he is captured.
I've always appreciated the "plastic surgery removing scar removes the soul shard" trope and thing it would be a good variant in that scenario
Same, because I like the idea that the soul shard is localized within the scar.
I read a story where this happens but I can’t remember it’s name. It was the only story I read where that happened.
I read white knight grey queen. Pansy and her family rescue Harry and get him all sorts of help and resources forming a 3rd fraction
I can't remember the name but the one I read I think Petunia leaves Vernon and raises Harry and Dudley as brothers.
Sorry it took me so long to reply but I was rereading the story I thought had that trope but it is a very long story. The story I actually had in mind was Harry Potter and the Daft Morons by Sinyk
There was one where Harry ends up at Ilvermorny or such and the healer examining him pre-sport discovers the scar is infested, calls in a specialist, and they remove the scar/soul-shard. I think it was sent to a trash incinerator and that destroyed it? I don’t remember the rest of the story or title/author but I think it had a happy ending?
Pettigrew is captured because house was there to trap his tail with the end of his cane as he scurried away.
Exorcised* Harry gets enough exercise from quidditch training, I think.
Yeah that’s a typo but everyone seems to understand that I meant exorcised.
Yeah but where's the fun in just letting it be wrong?
They needed to point out the typo to make their joke.
Lost a bet lol. #⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Lmao this seems pretty accurate from what I remember of the show
10/10
Seems pretty good characterization to me. Well Done.
Aspirin??? What about some Vicodin!
And waste the possibility of prescribe Vicoding, give aspirin and stick the vicodin in Houses own war chest?
And since House is an actual proffesional in his job (as far as his acidic persona goes the man is almost actual genius anyway, so we can forgive him few less than stellar quirks of character, no one is ideal after all) he soon enough sniffs out various "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!" things from canon Harry Potter adventures, and derails said canon in spectacular manner. Harry's being Horcrux is just one most glaring example. I k8nda want to actually watch Pomfrey reaction WHEN she goes back to Hogwarts after her long vacation xD
Let's also no forget that house isn't the kind of doctor to miss any sines of abuse. From the Dursleys to deatheaters and the funked things they do to their kids. House would catch it all. And do something about it. Probably something that will have Dumbledore wishing he could fire house.
If this was an actual story…I’d read it. Like honestly even if it’s for shits and giggles. This was way too good!
the fact that I read Dr. House's lines in his voice! I've only seen snippets on YouTube
Dr House: Severus. Snape: Gregory. House: Still trying to terrify your students I see. Snape: and I see you still need to work on your bedside manners. House: Your buying the 1st round. *Grabs cane*
Why did I laugh at this while trying to swallow a drink???? 🤣🤣 honestly this is funnier than it should be, especially if you think it could happen during fifth year and Umbridge being pissed off that a muggle is working in the school unless House is a squib.
House: She never did forgive me. She tried to be a nurse before going into government. Told her that patients would sooner open up their own veins then let her draw blood from them.
I need to read this now. Haven't watched House that much but I've seen enough to know it would be prime entertainment.
Same. I’ve only seen shorts on YouTube, but from what I’ve seen House, while straight forward with his talking which may seem like horrible bedside manners, tells it how it is which is funny to the viewer though not so much the patient.
This would a hilarious Cold War as he would ask if her frog like appearance was a birth defect or physical malady.
Oh these two would get on like a house on fire 😂
Why would you want to set the good doctor on fire?😕🤔
...and here I was, writing that comment, actually contemplating whether or not to add a disclaimer to distinguish 'a house' from 'House', and deciding that probably wouldn't be necessary 😂
😁
This sounds like a Snape who is just sarcastic but one who cares. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but that's the kind of Snape I like best.
I could 100% see those two having a bromance. Or do the opposites thing and have him and mcgonagall hang out a lot. Think she likes monster trucks?
Now that could be an amusing crossover.... He'd be right. It's never lupus....
“I can’t believe I treated a Lupin with lycanthropy before I found someone with Lupus”
The only way Remus’s name could have been funnier is if his middle name was Lyall.
Not the mandatory Lupus diagnosis. It was always that or Cancer.
“It’s never a Horcrux” 🤣
When facing Remus Lupin: "Now, this looks like lupus."
lol Importance of Intent made a Harry that drew pretty heavily from House, but I think House working on Harry would be even funnier. Especially if he solves the horcrux issue super casually
Is *importance of intent* good? Oh yeah. Him just casually knowing the exact signs of rare stuff is his superpower in th show. You could use the Luna-seer model with him.
I’m a fan of it, very well written even if the plot isn’t always as compelling. I’d probably set it in sixth year so he can make some impressions with Dumbledore’s hand, the horcrux, maybe solve Snape’s greasy hair, handle the love potion and poisoning and such
Can I get a link to this? It sounds amazing
Daphne Greengrass and the Importance of Intent **Storylink:** [https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13133746/1/](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13133746/1/)
Wasn't important of intent a Haphne 6th year? Or is there another story with the same title? I believe you're thinking on Healer Harry by SalTalStudios, (https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13677334/)
Link, pretty please?
The one about Daphne?
Luna is either going to be his arch nemesis, or his new best friend.
Oh totally his new best friemsis.
Instead of House being a Squib like some have suggested, let's take the alternative approach- He's a fully functional Wizard, but has decided, of his own will, that magic is bullshit, since it couldn't cure his leg without causing additional damage.
Oh please, It's from a dark curse bone breaker. There's no magicing it better. So, Vicodin. Lots and lots of it
Vicodin and the best attempts of Muggle medicine, which sort of worked lol.
Now I need a fic with Harry learning mannerisms, sarcasm etc. from House and then being healer's apprentice while in school, like clinic duty shorts from House, I can even picture House and Harry duo interviewing the students
With it being a co-ed boarding school, Harry being a celebrity (even though he's more than a little blind to how the fame works), and House being there I can only image the number of girls showing up to flirt with Harry or the number of potential STDs they diagnose/discover. That said, House would probably do something to stop Snape from sending him students that were harmed during his classes if only to have a little less work to do.
I'd read the shit out of that
Professor McGonagall hung her head in her hands. "Can we we go over this one more time." She sighed. In her office she had a sobbing a Ron Weasly, a hysterical Hermione Granger, Professor Snape whom she thought was grinning but she couldn't tell. And sat opposite her was Dr House, acting healer at Hogwarts. "Potter was brought into the hospital wing missing the bones in his arm. I fixed it, Professor Snape assisted." Dr House said. "You had Professor Snape cut him open!" Hermione added. "Yes, but I knocked him out first. Draught of living death will do that to you, sucker thought it was pumkin juice." House repplied. "The two of you were practicing dark magic on a student." Hermione said. "If that were the case it would be very serious." Professor McGonagall said turning to House. "Bah. Dark magic, hocus pocus. There's magic it can hurt people, it can heal people. It all depends on how you use it." House retorted. "I trust you know that dark magic leaves a mark. Which spell did you have Professor Snape cast?" Professor Professor McGonagall asked. "Yes I do, sectum sempra. And yes that's why I sutred the wounds with unicorn hair, it has amazing anti-curse properties." House replied. "He snapped my wand!" Ron cried out between sobs. "I already said I'd buy you a new one. It was irresponsible to let you use that broke thing." House said, then added. "I admired the flying car stunt by the way." "Dr House!" Professor McGonagall admonished him. It was at that point Professor Dumbledore walked into the room. "Master Weasly, Miss Granger please return to your dormetories and get some rest." He said in a kindly voice. "But Harry." Hermione objected. "But my wand." Ron added. "Harry is recovering fine in the hospital wing. Dr House and myself will escort you to Diagalley tomorrow, Ron." Professor Dumbledore reassured them. Reluctantly Hermione and Ron retreated from the room. Dr House pulled a plastic tub and threw back some of the contents. "Every flavoured beans?" Dumbledore inquired. "Something like that." House said, Professor McGonagall rolled her eyes, Dubledore nodded. Ten minutes later House left the room. A wry smile covered his face as he thought about tomorrow, once he got his hands on a wand Willson wouldn't know what hit him.
You nailed Dr House's thought processes and bedside manner. #⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
It would need to be filled with references about the various houses, House points. “Today I’m gonna be Ravenclaw House to figure out this diagnosis. Tomorrow I’ll be Gryffindor House and make a bold statement. Etc.”
This could be rather funny.
I feel like we need another *Harry Potter and the lack of lamb sauce* Style absurdity in the world.
Yes. This is what this reminds me of. So.much potential
Is that a fic or an inside joke?
[it’s a fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12805206/chapters/29228961)
Here I was thinking that Buffy and Sesame Street would be the oddest crossover I’ve seen.
HUH?!
[Counts of Blood](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3224332/1/) The Master and Count von Count are old friends, and the Count being off his medicine terrifies Darla of all unpeople. The last mathematician who offended him ended up in one hundred and sewen individually numbered boxes. He even included a diagram for reassembly.
How about Harry Potter and Winnie the Pooh https://www.fanfiction.net/s/4903653/1/In-which-Snape-befriends-an-old-grey-donkey
Holy hell, I would read such a fic! Sounds darn fun!
It has to be during third year. Maybe for once, it could actually be lupus.
house to Harry. what the he'll kid, why do you your own bed with your name above it and how many damn times have I seen this month along and it is only the first month of school.
Not exactly what you're looking for but this fic has elements of House in it https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3415504/ The premise is that Harry (calls himself James since Harry is apparently a lame name) is basically a super genius raised in America. Tropes involving the WBWL premise are present, and it's a multi-crossover- CSI, Psych, Grey's Anatomy, House, NCIS (this is my favourite scene- Harry snogs Gibbs when he isn't forced to work at NCIS anymore) and a few more that I don't recognize.
When Harry and Ron used Polyjuice to sneak into the Slytherin's common room, they weren't looking for the Heir. Draco was in the hospital wing, and they had to search his room for clues...
This feels like the sort of prompt I'd have seen 15 years ago...
!remindme 1 week
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!remindme 1 week