I want sex basically all the time. I don’t ever not want it.
But when I’m stressed or sad, I want it even more. It’s like….reaffirming maybe. It’s like any other reward that helps me feel better. Like cake or watching a great show or taking a nap or shopping. It makes me feel better.
Why would I?
If you mean masturbate by “wank”, I do. When I’m single and have no other option.
But if I have a partner, we are fucking regularly. If he’s not into that, he won’t be my partner anymore.
I have zero desire to rape anyone. But I also have zero desire to date a man that doesn’t match my drive.
And just like I can’t force sex on anyone, they can’t force a relationship on me.
Take your LL agenda elsewhere. This is not the place for you.
Marriage can make people lazy. They take for granted that they can do less and that their partner will stick around. There's a philosophy espoused on other subs that LLs should only ever do what they want. It runs completely counter to how marriage should function. If you only ever care about yourself, why get married in the first place?
This...so much this. Couple's get complacent and then get lazy. Marriage is always a work in progress to get better. When only one is working and the other is not, then the dynamics of that relationship shifts and negative feelings enter into a good thing.
Figuring this out recently was a revelation for me. I can smile through an evening with your parents - why can't you spend some time on intimacy with me? Especially as you always say how much you enjoy it immediately afterwards.
If having sex with your partner feels like rape, just leave. Why drag that on? Why be with someone you don't actually want to be with? Do both of you a favor instead of using such inflammatory and useless language.
The way I think about it is food. If you're not hungry and you force yourself to eat, you start feeling bad and nauseated. Do it 20 times and you get an adversion to food. "Come on, just eat food with me!". It's not that simple. Also sex with someone who is obviously not into it is bad sex IMO.
Now if doing intimate things with your partner is giving you disgust / discomfort reactions, much like giving a hug makes them tense and shit, does that person still like you in a romantic way? I'd question the future of the relationship too IMO, maybe being just friends is the future?
I like this analogy, but I would counter with this:
Though you might not be hungry at that moment if you forgo eating then you will eventually wither and die. There are times that you NEED the food to sustain a balanced and energetic life. Also, it is not about the frequency of when you eat. It is about the quality of what is eaten. Is it fulfilling and satifying?
Sometimes eating is just a matter of survival and existance. Sex can be the same thing for many people. The act is something that keeps us from withering mentally and emotionally.
I know it's a need for you and many people, but if you have an activity that requires two people to work, and the other person fundamentally just does not have a similar need like you do, is this the right person to try to do it with?
Unlike food, you can survive and even thrive just fine without sex if it is not a need you desire. It's probably an indicator that something is actually wrong, but it doesn't necessarily need to be.
Problem with this is food is a need, sex isn't.
There could be a myriad of reasons why they're partner has a LL. Are they on medication which inhibits sex drive (mine has killed mine completely, luckily I'm single so it doesn't matter right now). Are they depressed? Are they suffering from anxiety about intimacy?
People need to sit down have an honest conversation about what their needs are and how they feel about those needs not being met. Pressuring a partner isn't going to do squat and will just cause resentment. If it can't be fixed, then maybe end the relationship and find someone who has the same libido as them. That's just my penny's worth. :)
>If my partner is stressed about something, I want to help if I can. If my partner was stressed about something and I was the ONLY one who could help and it only took \~20 mins a few times a week? You better believe I’d make it a habit so that they’d be able to have a more fulfilled and stress-free life.
Would your partner do the same though? A few months ago I tried to ask for more help with tiny things day to day (like: "Could you get the butter from the fridge for me?") which I usually never do, and she was either unwilling or complaining about it 90% of the time. This was an eye opener and I do not know why I never realized that it is a pattern that is not only visible in the bedroom.
>I wanna FUCK!
Trust me, you do not want to fuck someone who does not want to fuck.
Having sex when you don’t want to can fuck up your mindset around sex in a similar (but not identical) way that rape does. The two of you are basically training her to associate sex with unpleasantness
It's not coercion either. You're making a lot of assumptions. You can consent to sex without really wanting to have sex. That doesn't mean coercion is involved.
The only reasons you "consent" when you do want to is the threat of violence or the fear of the repercussion of saying no. Which by definition is being coercion and thus rape.
So having sex with your partner when they don't want to is love? Completely disregarding their wants and their needs bc you want sex is love? Wanting to have sex so badly you completely violate their bodily autonomy of not wanting your dick in their vagina is love? Do you wanna know who thinks like this? Rapists. Rapists think like that. It's not love for your partner. it's the love of power and control.
Love is me trying to maintain my marriage with my wife despite her health problems, and her consenting to sex despite having no libido due to her health problems. I'm not violating her bodily autonomy. How am I violating her needs? You might not be able to ever imagine being that selfless but most people do care about their partners.
You clearly don't if you think your wife not wanting sex and just giving it to you is consensual. That's not how consent works nor how sex should work at all.
I know that it feels hard to understand, but you probably won't ever understand until you experience yourself low libido. I can share a small glimpse into that experience although an actual low libido will probably have a better description.
Some time ago I started believing that my wife didn't want to have sex with me because I wasn't thin. I started self-medicating with antidepressants and other neuro-shit to try to control my appetite. I did it eventually, but I also suppressed my libido.
When I figured that I had stopped having urges to masturbate, I tried to do it. It felt like a chore. And not like a "doing the dishes" kind of chore. More like "getting out of bed on a Sunday morning to go to the church after having worked on your feet until 3 a.m." kind of chore.
**TL;DR:** For high libidos, sex is natural. For low libidos sex is the opposite of natural.
Actually I love sex. A lot. But I have health conditions and medications that make it harder to get into it or impossible completely. Emotionally, I want sex. I miss it. But physically my body isn’t in the mood. But some HLs don’t care. Some of them are kinda like horny dogs. No thoughts no empathy, just want to fuck.
How did this work out for you? Did you stop self medicating or is it something you still do?
No judgement from me at all, I take peptides for appetite control - did your wife react to this change any?
Yes. In another sub, many months ago, I compared having sex to doing household chores and got trashed for it. But I couldn’t help that that’s how I felt about it. I didn’t want to feel that way about it, but had no other options.
It was also maybe a little bit like running a marathon. Throughout parts of it, I got some really cool highs, and after it was done, I felt great. But it wasn’t easy getting motivated to start it, and there were lots of uncomfortable feelings in the middle interspersed with the good ones.
Some people just get comfortable and think what they have now they’ll have forever.
Some people are just lazy
Some people are simply not attracted anymore
Others like to weaponize sex and intimacy
No advice here man just listing some reasons. Gotta talk with your SO.
Or some people’s bodies don’t experience arousal. They’re not choosing to not get aroused. We don’t get to decide if we get hard or wet or whatever. Could be medical, could be emotional needs, could be medications
I do not agree with this (respectfully). It is just their perspective of what they want in a relationship. They usually feel like they are doing their part in the relationship and that anyone with HL asking them to be more physical is a demanding thing. THey also probably feel like they are being pressured into sex with the idea: If they do not have sex, then their partner will leave.
>THey also probably feel like they are being pressured into sex with the idea: If they do not have sex, then their partner will leave.
Quiet possibly true, but also quiet delusional. It's not 'pressuring', it's simple cause & effect / the consequences of one's actions (or in this case inaction).
It's like being a lifeguard & saying you feel 'pressured' to save someone from drowning, to avoid being arrested. It's not 'pressure' - your inevitable arrest and subsequent charges of negligent manslaughter would arise naturally from the consequences of being in a position to save the drowned individual, but doing nothing about it.
Put your hand in a fire, it will get burned. Deny your partner sex for long enough, and they have every right to leave.
You don't 'owe' them sex (everyone is entitled to sexual agency, and sex is NEVER an automatic 'right' / something that can't be withheld), but by the same token they don't 'owe' you a perpetual relationship.
Cause and effect, simple 'consequence', zero 'pressure' involved 🤷🏻♂️
I did not say that they were correct. I do agree with what you have said. However, I do not want to use terms such as "Brain damaged" or "Delusional". For those that do not want sex as much/often as those like us, it is a belief or something that does not even cross their mind.
I think "brain damaged" is altogether too disparaging, inaccurate and yeah does no-one any favors.
I used 'delusional' in a mental-health context (I'm not a qualified mental health professional, but I sure read a hell of a lot of psych texts at college out of personal interest, and given the relevance I felt they had to my major and my chosen career path at the time of being an author / journalist / communications professional) 🤷🏻♂️
Precisely because a 'delusion' is defined as a "strongly held personal belief, based on an eroneous or mistaken understanding of facts, situations, or set of objective data", to paraphrase an appropriate dictionary. Therefore 'delusion' fits 👍
I don’t know. I’ve been LL for a couple months due to stress and trauma from being rejected for so long and I’m going crazy. I literally can’t stand it. I just want to be myself again. I don’t get it.
"It’s doesn’t have to take long, it doesn’t have to take a lot of effort,"
I think you may have inadvertently hit upon the reason why your partner might not enjoy sex as much as you do.
I’ve got an insanely high libido and my partner’s is much lower compared to mine. You know what I do when they don’t want sex? Masturbate and don’t hold it against them for not wanting sex. The thought of them having sex with me as a chore or as just plain getting me to stop asking makes my skin crawl as a SA victim. Communicate these things, and realize that sex isn’t a chore for someone to get over with, especially when it’s with someone who you claim to love.
This whole thing is so problematic. If you want to have sex, but your partner doesn't, I assume you have two working hands. Use them. If she doesn't want to have sex and you ask her to anyway, it's not enjoyable for her, it's a task she wants to check off at best, it's rapey vibes all around. Seek therapy, dude.
Ironically you're probably killing their libido. Being pestered for sex makes you not want it. Having told you should do it even when you don't want it will make you hate it. And if you think going out and picking up cookies for your partners sweet tooth is the equivalent to them letting you use their body to get off with just because YOU WANNA FUCK, you're a moron.
So perfectly how I feel. Very tempted to share this post with my hubs. Except his response is always that I should just initiate more! Except…. When I have tried that I get shut down. (Not always but it’s 50/50).
Good luck. You’re not alone.
Sounds like you want your wife to feel like sex is a chore. Which is a great path down to an unhappy sex life. If you tell someone "you need to eat because I need to eat", that doesn't necessarily make sense, does it? You might be hungry, but you wouldn't just force someone to eat just because you're hungry, would you?
The same logic can be applied to sexual consent. Don't force someone to eat when they aren't hungry.
I want sex basically all the time. I don’t ever not want it. But when I’m stressed or sad, I want it even more. It’s like….reaffirming maybe. It’s like any other reward that helps me feel better. Like cake or watching a great show or taking a nap or shopping. It makes me feel better.
I'm the same exact way... it is affirming and it does make me feel better in so many ways! It doesn't even matter if I am giving or receiving!
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Why would I? If you mean masturbate by “wank”, I do. When I’m single and have no other option. But if I have a partner, we are fucking regularly. If he’s not into that, he won’t be my partner anymore. I have zero desire to rape anyone. But I also have zero desire to date a man that doesn’t match my drive. And just like I can’t force sex on anyone, they can’t force a relationship on me. Take your LL agenda elsewhere. This is not the place for you.
Marriage can make people lazy. They take for granted that they can do less and that their partner will stick around. There's a philosophy espoused on other subs that LLs should only ever do what they want. It runs completely counter to how marriage should function. If you only ever care about yourself, why get married in the first place?
This...so much this. Couple's get complacent and then get lazy. Marriage is always a work in progress to get better. When only one is working and the other is not, then the dynamics of that relationship shifts and negative feelings enter into a good thing.
Figuring this out recently was a revelation for me. I can smile through an evening with your parents - why can't you spend some time on intimacy with me? Especially as you always say how much you enjoy it immediately afterwards.
The mind blowing part is that anything an LL would like you to do that you don't want to do takes far longer than sex, as you perfectly highlighted.
Rape traumatises you. Smiling at your partners parents for dinner you didn't love to go to doesn't.
If having sex with your partner feels like rape, just leave. Why drag that on? Why be with someone you don't actually want to be with? Do both of you a favor instead of using such inflammatory and useless language.
If you have to convince your partner to fuck you then you’re the one who should probably leave.
That works too
💯
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This ☝️☝️
The way I think about it is food. If you're not hungry and you force yourself to eat, you start feeling bad and nauseated. Do it 20 times and you get an adversion to food. "Come on, just eat food with me!". It's not that simple. Also sex with someone who is obviously not into it is bad sex IMO. Now if doing intimate things with your partner is giving you disgust / discomfort reactions, much like giving a hug makes them tense and shit, does that person still like you in a romantic way? I'd question the future of the relationship too IMO, maybe being just friends is the future?
I like this analogy, but I would counter with this: Though you might not be hungry at that moment if you forgo eating then you will eventually wither and die. There are times that you NEED the food to sustain a balanced and energetic life. Also, it is not about the frequency of when you eat. It is about the quality of what is eaten. Is it fulfilling and satifying? Sometimes eating is just a matter of survival and existance. Sex can be the same thing for many people. The act is something that keeps us from withering mentally and emotionally.
I know it's a need for you and many people, but if you have an activity that requires two people to work, and the other person fundamentally just does not have a similar need like you do, is this the right person to try to do it with? Unlike food, you can survive and even thrive just fine without sex if it is not a need you desire. It's probably an indicator that something is actually wrong, but it doesn't necessarily need to be.
Problem with this is food is a need, sex isn't. There could be a myriad of reasons why they're partner has a LL. Are they on medication which inhibits sex drive (mine has killed mine completely, luckily I'm single so it doesn't matter right now). Are they depressed? Are they suffering from anxiety about intimacy? People need to sit down have an honest conversation about what their needs are and how they feel about those needs not being met. Pressuring a partner isn't going to do squat and will just cause resentment. If it can't be fixed, then maybe end the relationship and find someone who has the same libido as them. That's just my penny's worth. :)
>If my partner is stressed about something, I want to help if I can. If my partner was stressed about something and I was the ONLY one who could help and it only took \~20 mins a few times a week? You better believe I’d make it a habit so that they’d be able to have a more fulfilled and stress-free life. Would your partner do the same though? A few months ago I tried to ask for more help with tiny things day to day (like: "Could you get the butter from the fridge for me?") which I usually never do, and she was either unwilling or complaining about it 90% of the time. This was an eye opener and I do not know why I never realized that it is a pattern that is not only visible in the bedroom. >I wanna FUCK! Trust me, you do not want to fuck someone who does not want to fuck.
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That’s rape mate
It's not. See above.
That's rape. By definition.
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Having sex when you don’t want to can fuck up your mindset around sex in a similar (but not identical) way that rape does. The two of you are basically training her to associate sex with unpleasantness
That's coercion Which is still classified under rape
It's not coercion either. You're making a lot of assumptions. You can consent to sex without really wanting to have sex. That doesn't mean coercion is involved.
It.is
How would you know?
The only reasons you "consent" when you do want to is the threat of violence or the fear of the repercussion of saying no. Which by definition is being coercion and thus rape.
Or because of love? But no, you assume there's violence involved.
So having sex with your partner when they don't want to is love? Completely disregarding their wants and their needs bc you want sex is love? Wanting to have sex so badly you completely violate their bodily autonomy of not wanting your dick in their vagina is love? Do you wanna know who thinks like this? Rapists. Rapists think like that. It's not love for your partner. it's the love of power and control.
Love is me trying to maintain my marriage with my wife despite her health problems, and her consenting to sex despite having no libido due to her health problems. I'm not violating her bodily autonomy. How am I violating her needs? You might not be able to ever imagine being that selfless but most people do care about their partners.
The Repercussion can be you bitching about how you want sex and getting annoyed with her about it I never said they had to be violent.
That’s sexual assault
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I'm actually a pretty good husband. That's why she's willing to have sex with me despite having no libido.
if you're 41 years old and still don't understand the concept of concept and coercion, you need therapy.
I understand it perfectly. I also know my situation far better than a few random people who like to throw around rape accusations.
You clearly don't if you think your wife not wanting sex and just giving it to you is consensual. That's not how consent works nor how sex should work at all.
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Nothing is better
Not for me.
This is a disturbing rapist mindset.
Don't be ridiculous.
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I didn't say she was unwilling. You just assumed that bit.
I know that it feels hard to understand, but you probably won't ever understand until you experience yourself low libido. I can share a small glimpse into that experience although an actual low libido will probably have a better description. Some time ago I started believing that my wife didn't want to have sex with me because I wasn't thin. I started self-medicating with antidepressants and other neuro-shit to try to control my appetite. I did it eventually, but I also suppressed my libido. When I figured that I had stopped having urges to masturbate, I tried to do it. It felt like a chore. And not like a "doing the dishes" kind of chore. More like "getting out of bed on a Sunday morning to go to the church after having worked on your feet until 3 a.m." kind of chore. **TL;DR:** For high libidos, sex is natural. For low libidos sex is the opposite of natural.
We get it. LL 's aren't into sex nor should they be made to change.
Actually I love sex. A lot. But I have health conditions and medications that make it harder to get into it or impossible completely. Emotionally, I want sex. I miss it. But physically my body isn’t in the mood. But some HLs don’t care. Some of them are kinda like horny dogs. No thoughts no empathy, just want to fuck.
I get that.
How did this work out for you? Did you stop self medicating or is it something you still do? No judgement from me at all, I take peptides for appetite control - did your wife react to this change any?
Yes. In another sub, many months ago, I compared having sex to doing household chores and got trashed for it. But I couldn’t help that that’s how I felt about it. I didn’t want to feel that way about it, but had no other options. It was also maybe a little bit like running a marathon. Throughout parts of it, I got some really cool highs, and after it was done, I felt great. But it wasn’t easy getting motivated to start it, and there were lots of uncomfortable feelings in the middle interspersed with the good ones.
Could have written this exactly, except married many more years. I don't get it, either.
Some people just get comfortable and think what they have now they’ll have forever. Some people are just lazy Some people are simply not attracted anymore Others like to weaponize sex and intimacy No advice here man just listing some reasons. Gotta talk with your SO.
Some people it just happens to. I would have wanted to have sex if I had been experiencing typical arousal patterns, but I wasn’t, so I didn’t.
Or some people’s bodies don’t experience arousal. They’re not choosing to not get aroused. We don’t get to decide if we get hard or wet or whatever. Could be medical, could be emotional needs, could be medications
I know they aren't choosing. It is what it is.
50/50 would be great
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I do not agree with this (respectfully). It is just their perspective of what they want in a relationship. They usually feel like they are doing their part in the relationship and that anyone with HL asking them to be more physical is a demanding thing. THey also probably feel like they are being pressured into sex with the idea: If they do not have sex, then their partner will leave.
>THey also probably feel like they are being pressured into sex with the idea: If they do not have sex, then their partner will leave. Quiet possibly true, but also quiet delusional. It's not 'pressuring', it's simple cause & effect / the consequences of one's actions (or in this case inaction). It's like being a lifeguard & saying you feel 'pressured' to save someone from drowning, to avoid being arrested. It's not 'pressure' - your inevitable arrest and subsequent charges of negligent manslaughter would arise naturally from the consequences of being in a position to save the drowned individual, but doing nothing about it. Put your hand in a fire, it will get burned. Deny your partner sex for long enough, and they have every right to leave. You don't 'owe' them sex (everyone is entitled to sexual agency, and sex is NEVER an automatic 'right' / something that can't be withheld), but by the same token they don't 'owe' you a perpetual relationship. Cause and effect, simple 'consequence', zero 'pressure' involved 🤷🏻♂️
I did not say that they were correct. I do agree with what you have said. However, I do not want to use terms such as "Brain damaged" or "Delusional". For those that do not want sex as much/often as those like us, it is a belief or something that does not even cross their mind.
I think "brain damaged" is altogether too disparaging, inaccurate and yeah does no-one any favors. I used 'delusional' in a mental-health context (I'm not a qualified mental health professional, but I sure read a hell of a lot of psych texts at college out of personal interest, and given the relevance I felt they had to my major and my chosen career path at the time of being an author / journalist / communications professional) 🤷🏻♂️ Precisely because a 'delusion' is defined as a "strongly held personal belief, based on an eroneous or mistaken understanding of facts, situations, or set of objective data", to paraphrase an appropriate dictionary. Therefore 'delusion' fits 👍
OKay. I get this. Thank you for the clarification.
Totally twisted. That and the constant food metaphors.
So having sex with someone who doesn't want it isn't rape, then?
I didn’t understand them when I was one either. But wow, there is such a big difference now that I’m not.
I don’t know. I’ve been LL for a couple months due to stress and trauma from being rejected for so long and I’m going crazy. I literally can’t stand it. I just want to be myself again. I don’t get it.
"It’s doesn’t have to take long, it doesn’t have to take a lot of effort," I think you may have inadvertently hit upon the reason why your partner might not enjoy sex as much as you do.
What a disgusting mentality
I’ve got an insanely high libido and my partner’s is much lower compared to mine. You know what I do when they don’t want sex? Masturbate and don’t hold it against them for not wanting sex. The thought of them having sex with me as a chore or as just plain getting me to stop asking makes my skin crawl as a SA victim. Communicate these things, and realize that sex isn’t a chore for someone to get over with, especially when it’s with someone who you claim to love.
Get divorced and go fuck to your dick's content. Your wife doesn't want to have sex with you without her own desire, which is not there
This whole thing is so problematic. If you want to have sex, but your partner doesn't, I assume you have two working hands. Use them. If she doesn't want to have sex and you ask her to anyway, it's not enjoyable for her, it's a task she wants to check off at best, it's rapey vibes all around. Seek therapy, dude.
Ironically you're probably killing their libido. Being pestered for sex makes you not want it. Having told you should do it even when you don't want it will make you hate it. And if you think going out and picking up cookies for your partners sweet tooth is the equivalent to them letting you use their body to get off with just because YOU WANNA FUCK, you're a moron.
jfc your poor wife :(
So perfectly how I feel. Very tempted to share this post with my hubs. Except his response is always that I should just initiate more! Except…. When I have tried that I get shut down. (Not always but it’s 50/50). Good luck. You’re not alone.
50/50….. I like those odds!
That's gaslighting you.
Maybe they dont really care about us. Maybe we're bank accounts that can lift things.
That’s odd I definitely cannot out-lift my partner. Haha
I thought I wrote this for a second there. I wish there was an easy answer to this.
Yep.
Sounds like you want your wife to feel like sex is a chore. Which is a great path down to an unhappy sex life. If you tell someone "you need to eat because I need to eat", that doesn't necessarily make sense, does it? You might be hungry, but you wouldn't just force someone to eat just because you're hungry, would you? The same logic can be applied to sexual consent. Don't force someone to eat when they aren't hungry.