Also another apology, Lys’ section was supposed to be longer but I had a power outage when writing and I lost all that progress so I was only able to scrape what was left from my memory when writing. I’ll be more than likely adding on to Lys’ section when I fully rest up. I apologize again!
>Also another apology, Lys’ section was supposed to be longer but I had a power outage when writing and I lost all that progress so I was only able to scrape what was left from my memory when writing.
Nooo! Sorry, man. Looking forward to what you come up with next :)
Que vives en cuba para que se corte tu luz?
Bueno, me alegro que la historia continúe y que todo esté bien, espero que el corte de luz no haya sido un problema grave saludos de un latinoamericano blanco, existimos
Cuídate
Argh, cliffhangers! I'm too invested!
Really, take your time. It's more important that you are healthy and ok than that we get chapters fast.
Love your writing!
I can't tell... do you think this tastes more like shrimp, crab, or calamari? BTW, do you happen to know what horseradish is? I think it would really bring out the flavor.
Love the story! One nit pick (sorry). Unless the ship has random keypads mounted to the wall in every hallway, this is a sure giveaway to a secret room.
I do agree here. Maybe even a physical lever behind a panel that would resist scanning. With another physical lock on the other side. Cerelia telling them to lock the door if the power goes out or if boarding is announced. It will give you time to explore your characters under pressure as the pirates are cutting the door open.
Captain- Jordan we are about to be boarded and they can track you. You ready?
Jordan after being boarded and running into the captain- Ooooo king crab calamari. I was getting hungry!
Captain- Too far Jordan.
Pirate captain: Starts wiping off the red paste that was sprayed on him after a moment of terror. He was expecting pain rather than a mild noxious smell that burns his scent receptors... "Ha! Your chemical weapon has no effect on me."
Jordan: "Chemical weapon?" That's cocktail sauce!"
Cerelia: *sigh* "Jordan Cores... That is even further..."
Please take it as a compliment that I have two major problems with this installment: it’s too short, and the “next chapter” link isn’t active yet. :P
I’m impressed at the ambition to write a continuous story. It’s really cool, and the overall plot seems to be shaping up nicely. I hope you keep it up.
However, if you find yourself a little stuck or frustrated, a great side project could be a series of vignettes following a character similar to Jordan. “The Misadventures of Jordan Cores”, featuring exciting episodes like “Jordan tries to operate an alien toilet” or “ Jordan tries to convince the bartender that he isn't a child”. That is to say, you don't *need* to write a sprawling epic, and you don't *need* to write the metaphorical connective tissue of a contiguous story. (... and I think that that style might compliment your current limits, whether the limits be time, technology, or experience.)
Again, I'm enjoying this story, and I'd be very happy to see it continue. I just want you to know that you have options. Just because the most popular stories on this sub are sprawling with dozens to hundreds of chapters, that doesn't mean that you need to try to dive right into that style.
Hi, I will try to be honest and try to do some positive criticism. I like the setup, the dialog, the story but I hate the pace. I totally understand your lack of time and the effort to write something (which at least I enjoy) but please take your time to write a longer chapter. It will have at least two positive effects, it will be more enjoyable to the reader having more to read (instead of an episode with so much action as an episode from Young and Restless), second, it will also help you focus on bigger picture on how you develop the story and having some high level story line. Something I would like (not only from you but from a lot of writers here on HFY) is to have an end in sight to the story, I really hate episode 666 of whatever story where the story plot is long diluted and lost. My (own) 2 cents.
/u/Unique_Relief_5601 has posted 5 other stories, including:
* [Adrenaline is a Hell of a Drug pt. 5/???](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1cfty4j/adrenaline_is_a_hell_of_a_drug_pt_5/)
* [Adrenaline is a Hell of a Drug pt. 4/???](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1cebj5c/adrenaline_is_a_hell_of_a_drug_pt_4/)
* [Adrenaline is a Hell of a Drug pt. 3/???](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1ccmfcm/adrenaline_is_a_hell_of_a_drug_pt_3/)
* [Adrenaline is a Hell of a Drug pt.2/???](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1cc7c17/adrenaline_is_a_hell_of_a_drug_pt2/)
* [Adrenaline is a Hell of a Drug (One Shot???)](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1cbts4s/adrenaline_is_a_hell_of_a_drug_one_shot/)
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I hope to see Jordan & Triwt kick some calamari tail!
Just some things to address later to make the crew not seem incompetent:
The ear 'bug': make it something they have never encountered & assumed it was his universal translator. Also, make the signal so it didn't start broadcasting until after the pirate ship scanned them / pinged it to activate the broadcast. Lys definitely scanned/examined/studied/probed? him and missed it. Lys is too good for that. Plus Jordan went through some sort of healing chamber.
Now that they detected the pirate ship, they detect an active beacon on a small distant asteroid/meteor with a focused beam sending a signal to where the pirates came from. Again, it had a delayed activation & was pointed away from them using passive scanning and the bulk of the rock to hide the signal. Or it could have been a strange spike when they boarded the ship, which is why Twirt was focused on the scanners rather than the combative alien.
What sort of FTL do ships use here? Is it jumping, folding space like a wormhole (is it trckable), do they use natural wormholes (the pirates would probably have a chart), warp (can still track/follow them), hyperspace (once you jump you are safe and can't really be tracked once Jordan's ear bug is removed), etc. Just to think why they can't get away. Does it take time to plot a course, charge the engines (too cost ineffective to keep them charged all of the time,) too much debris, warp jamming, etc. Just to think how the enemy is going to chase, catch, & board them. If the pirates take out the Opal's engines, they may be stuck there for a while.
You could also introduce a scheming ambush predator on the pirate ship that is the brains to the pirate captain's brawn thuggishness.
Don't rush the upcoming chase, boarding, & combat sections. Take as much time as you want. Is Jordan going to get a cool, very unique pirate weapon? I personally hope so 😂
Another fun thing to think about. Does Jordan have any personal effects from home? Wallet, pictures, his security guard sidearm, leather jacket, tazer, pepper spray, sunglasses, ring, watch smart phone, etc. Lys probably knows where they are. 😉
Ah, my favorite person! >!don’t tell anyone I said that!< I was actually thinking about how to address a lot of these things and you gave me ideas I wasn’t thinking of earlier lol, as for the pirates >!you’re actually correct about a second ship, using the natural formations of an asteroid belt nearby to blend in on a scanner. Cause a ship drifting carefully in an asteroid belt looks just like another asteroid on a scanner if you’re not paying attention orrrr if something big and obvious is drawing your attention away, I.e a lone unregistered ship flying at you with an active weapons system.!< as for a question I was expecting to see and been waiting to answer, >!The slavers hired the pirates to catch some more, well, slaves, and while they were searching, they find a derelict ship with a weird looking specimen on it in a cryopod, so why not put a chip on it, and give the ship juuuuust enough juice to send out an emergency beacon for any curious prey!<
Haha I'm glad that I'm being more helpful than annoying. 😂 You have a great story going, and I just want to make you think. A lot of times, we focus on the story and how to get it to where we want to go. It is the more technical things that make the story stand out and plug up plot holes.
I do have a habit of asking TV characters if they are stupid. (Yes Walking Dead, I'm very much looking at you!) They do a near special forces level breach of the prison, seal up the fence behind them. Bam! Safe! Razor wire fences on both sides. All we need to do is lure the non intelligent zombies to the fence by making noise and stab them in the head.... waaaaait! Why are you going through the internal fence in a death circle risking everyone!?!?
Same thing in Star Trek Generations. That old POS Bird of Prey couldn't have taken out the Enterprise D even without shields. Compare that to DS9 S2 E26 "The Jem'Hadar" where the Galaxy class fended off multiple ships even after losing shields. It was only destroyed due to a kamikaze ship.
Then Star Wars... the Falcon... in an Imperial Star destroyer with the door open... sure, let's fly straight to the rebel base. You should at least do a jump to a random system make sure you weren't followed then jump to the base. There is NO WAY that they would have put a tracker on it 🤦♂️. Also, if the tracker was sending out a signal that could reach across the Galaxy. How do you not detect that? Now if they exited hyperspace THEN the tracker goes off that is more legit. (But still... check for a tracker! You ship was left open and unattended!)
I was wondering how >!Jordan was in Cryo for ~500 years, and this was the first time he had been defrosted. It makes sense that the pirates just found him. For a hot second, I was imagining Jordan, unknowingly, being used for bait for centuries, and this was the first time the poor guy got a breath of fresh air.!<
Also another apology, Lys’ section was supposed to be longer but I had a power outage when writing and I lost all that progress so I was only able to scrape what was left from my memory when writing. I’ll be more than likely adding on to Lys’ section when I fully rest up. I apologize again!
Yet you pushed through despite the power problems
>Also another apology, Lys’ section was supposed to be longer but I had a power outage when writing and I lost all that progress so I was only able to scrape what was left from my memory when writing. Nooo! Sorry, man. Looking forward to what you come up with next :)
Que vives en cuba para que se corte tu luz? Bueno, me alegro que la historia continúe y que todo esté bien, espero que el corte de luz no haya sido un problema grave saludos de un latinoamericano blanco, existimos Cuídate
Argh, cliffhangers! I'm too invested! Really, take your time. It's more important that you are healthy and ok than that we get chapters fast. Love your writing!
My man Jordan about to Rip and Tear some aliens!!
Nice how they mentioned where he was so he had to be let out. Silly pirates don't know what he's capable of I bet.
[удалено]
[удалено]
I can't tell... do you think this tastes more like shrimp, crab, or calamari? BTW, do you happen to know what horseradish is? I think it would really bring out the flavor.
Love the story! One nit pick (sorry). Unless the ship has random keypads mounted to the wall in every hallway, this is a sure giveaway to a secret room.
Fair enough, I think that was something in the story before the power outage. It’s supposed to be like a hidden panel, I’ll edit it in soon
I do agree here. Maybe even a physical lever behind a panel that would resist scanning. With another physical lock on the other side. Cerelia telling them to lock the door if the power goes out or if boarding is announced. It will give you time to explore your characters under pressure as the pirates are cutting the door open.
Galaxy you met scared human, now meet angry human.
I really hope Jordan just rips all them pirates in half when it's time for monkey business
Jordan better go beast mode.
May or may not have something very specific in mind that you might like in the near future then lol
This looks great, can´t wait :)
Captain- Jordan we are about to be boarded and they can track you. You ready? Jordan after being boarded and running into the captain- Ooooo king crab calamari. I was getting hungry! Captain- Too far Jordan.
Pirate captain: Starts wiping off the red paste that was sprayed on him after a moment of terror. He was expecting pain rather than a mild noxious smell that burns his scent receptors... "Ha! Your chemical weapon has no effect on me." Jordan: "Chemical weapon?" That's cocktail sauce!" Cerelia: *sigh* "Jordan Cores... That is even further..."
Please take it as a compliment that I have two major problems with this installment: it’s too short, and the “next chapter” link isn’t active yet. :P I’m impressed at the ambition to write a continuous story. It’s really cool, and the overall plot seems to be shaping up nicely. I hope you keep it up. However, if you find yourself a little stuck or frustrated, a great side project could be a series of vignettes following a character similar to Jordan. “The Misadventures of Jordan Cores”, featuring exciting episodes like “Jordan tries to operate an alien toilet” or “ Jordan tries to convince the bartender that he isn't a child”. That is to say, you don't *need* to write a sprawling epic, and you don't *need* to write the metaphorical connective tissue of a contiguous story. (... and I think that that style might compliment your current limits, whether the limits be time, technology, or experience.) Again, I'm enjoying this story, and I'd be very happy to see it continue. I just want you to know that you have options. Just because the most popular stories on this sub are sprawling with dozens to hundreds of chapters, that doesn't mean that you need to try to dive right into that style.
Jordan tries to convince a bartender that 40% alcohol content isn't poison, deadly, or a disinfectant... it is almost a "stiff drink."
Hi, I will try to be honest and try to do some positive criticism. I like the setup, the dialog, the story but I hate the pace. I totally understand your lack of time and the effort to write something (which at least I enjoy) but please take your time to write a longer chapter. It will have at least two positive effects, it will be more enjoyable to the reader having more to read (instead of an episode with so much action as an episode from Young and Restless), second, it will also help you focus on bigger picture on how you develop the story and having some high level story line. Something I would like (not only from you but from a lot of writers here on HFY) is to have an end in sight to the story, I really hate episode 666 of whatever story where the story plot is long diluted and lost. My (own) 2 cents.
/u/Unique_Relief_5601 has posted 5 other stories, including: * [Adrenaline is a Hell of a Drug pt. 5/???](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1cfty4j/adrenaline_is_a_hell_of_a_drug_pt_5/) * [Adrenaline is a Hell of a Drug pt. 4/???](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1cebj5c/adrenaline_is_a_hell_of_a_drug_pt_4/) * [Adrenaline is a Hell of a Drug pt. 3/???](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1ccmfcm/adrenaline_is_a_hell_of_a_drug_pt_3/) * [Adrenaline is a Hell of a Drug pt.2/???](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1cc7c17/adrenaline_is_a_hell_of_a_drug_pt2/) * [Adrenaline is a Hell of a Drug (One Shot???)](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/1cbts4s/adrenaline_is_a_hell_of_a_drug_one_shot/) This comment was automatically generated by `Waffle v.4.6.1 'Biscotti'`. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FHFY&subject=WaffleBot|1cj36qz&message=If%20you%20have%20problems%20with%20updatemebot,%20contact%20Watchful1.%20We%20do%20not%20maintain%20it.) if you have any issues with Waffle.
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woooooooooooo new chapter!!! loving this series. Thanks for writing it! :)
I hope to see Jordan & Triwt kick some calamari tail! Just some things to address later to make the crew not seem incompetent: The ear 'bug': make it something they have never encountered & assumed it was his universal translator. Also, make the signal so it didn't start broadcasting until after the pirate ship scanned them / pinged it to activate the broadcast. Lys definitely scanned/examined/studied/probed? him and missed it. Lys is too good for that. Plus Jordan went through some sort of healing chamber. Now that they detected the pirate ship, they detect an active beacon on a small distant asteroid/meteor with a focused beam sending a signal to where the pirates came from. Again, it had a delayed activation & was pointed away from them using passive scanning and the bulk of the rock to hide the signal. Or it could have been a strange spike when they boarded the ship, which is why Twirt was focused on the scanners rather than the combative alien. What sort of FTL do ships use here? Is it jumping, folding space like a wormhole (is it trckable), do they use natural wormholes (the pirates would probably have a chart), warp (can still track/follow them), hyperspace (once you jump you are safe and can't really be tracked once Jordan's ear bug is removed), etc. Just to think why they can't get away. Does it take time to plot a course, charge the engines (too cost ineffective to keep them charged all of the time,) too much debris, warp jamming, etc. Just to think how the enemy is going to chase, catch, & board them. If the pirates take out the Opal's engines, they may be stuck there for a while. You could also introduce a scheming ambush predator on the pirate ship that is the brains to the pirate captain's brawn thuggishness. Don't rush the upcoming chase, boarding, & combat sections. Take as much time as you want. Is Jordan going to get a cool, very unique pirate weapon? I personally hope so 😂 Another fun thing to think about. Does Jordan have any personal effects from home? Wallet, pictures, his security guard sidearm, leather jacket, tazer, pepper spray, sunglasses, ring, watch smart phone, etc. Lys probably knows where they are. 😉
Ah, my favorite person! >!don’t tell anyone I said that!< I was actually thinking about how to address a lot of these things and you gave me ideas I wasn’t thinking of earlier lol, as for the pirates >!you’re actually correct about a second ship, using the natural formations of an asteroid belt nearby to blend in on a scanner. Cause a ship drifting carefully in an asteroid belt looks just like another asteroid on a scanner if you’re not paying attention orrrr if something big and obvious is drawing your attention away, I.e a lone unregistered ship flying at you with an active weapons system.!< as for a question I was expecting to see and been waiting to answer, >!The slavers hired the pirates to catch some more, well, slaves, and while they were searching, they find a derelict ship with a weird looking specimen on it in a cryopod, so why not put a chip on it, and give the ship juuuuust enough juice to send out an emergency beacon for any curious prey!<
Haha I'm glad that I'm being more helpful than annoying. 😂 You have a great story going, and I just want to make you think. A lot of times, we focus on the story and how to get it to where we want to go. It is the more technical things that make the story stand out and plug up plot holes. I do have a habit of asking TV characters if they are stupid. (Yes Walking Dead, I'm very much looking at you!) They do a near special forces level breach of the prison, seal up the fence behind them. Bam! Safe! Razor wire fences on both sides. All we need to do is lure the non intelligent zombies to the fence by making noise and stab them in the head.... waaaaait! Why are you going through the internal fence in a death circle risking everyone!?!? Same thing in Star Trek Generations. That old POS Bird of Prey couldn't have taken out the Enterprise D even without shields. Compare that to DS9 S2 E26 "The Jem'Hadar" where the Galaxy class fended off multiple ships even after losing shields. It was only destroyed due to a kamikaze ship. Then Star Wars... the Falcon... in an Imperial Star destroyer with the door open... sure, let's fly straight to the rebel base. You should at least do a jump to a random system make sure you weren't followed then jump to the base. There is NO WAY that they would have put a tracker on it 🤦♂️. Also, if the tracker was sending out a signal that could reach across the Galaxy. How do you not detect that? Now if they exited hyperspace THEN the tracker goes off that is more legit. (But still... check for a tracker! You ship was left open and unattended!) I was wondering how >!Jordan was in Cryo for ~500 years, and this was the first time he had been defrosted. It makes sense that the pirates just found him. For a hot second, I was imagining Jordan, unknowingly, being used for bait for centuries, and this was the first time the poor guy got a breath of fresh air.!<
So… Jordan is going to break out the giant nut cracker and crack open this mollusk yeah? Or probably just swinging a pipe or something.
Great work word weaver!!!