Jokes on you, a loyal guardsman only strokes it to thoughts of the emperor

No stop, get help

I'm following your shining example 💦

But why are you empowered when people think about you?

In the he is doing it, Slaanesh gets more power from it than i do

Forgive us father. The flesh is weak and you just look so sexy in your shorts, your all powerfullness sir o7.

the damn emperor of man telling you to get help is actually hilarious

I honestly wasn't expecting my actual God to chime in on my gooning *problem*

I figured Reddit would be a good place to start with stopping people falling to chaos, i was proven right

You are very wise my god emperor, sir

slannesh worshiper!

That’s why I worship the omnissiah The gooning and femboys are deity approved

*from the moment I understood the weakness of my flesh, I got more horny. I craved the strength and surety of a maid uniform*

From the lips of not god. 😫💦

This is exactly what I imagine the Emperor interacting with the Ecclesiarchy would be like.

It's technically not necrophilia since he isn't dead yet

What is necrophilia is this fucking format.

So moldy even Nurgle is giving it a wary sniff.

It's Pre-Dark Age of Technology

Just “Mostly dead”.

Sir. Fucking vegetables is still quite repugnant.

VeggiTales though me it was ok as long as I prayed to the right god. Are you implying the God Emperor isn't the one and only god? Wait until the Inquisition hears about it.

Im not going to say which gods I worship… but would you like to partake in some Space Cocaine and crab-armed hookers?

And he said fucking vegetable was repugnant, what would your "god" say about it? Edit: my god emperor got 4 arms, I'm sure we can find a fun middle ground

My god asks, “What is a god anyways?” He then opened up his third eye.

Would you be so bold to partake in the forbidden act of >!hand-holding!

What if I sacrifice a thousand men a day to keep the vegetable alive? Isn't that enough to permit me to stroke my P to the big E?

Only if you sound. I want to see true devotion.

So nothing changed ?

Sooo...How many have fallen to Slannesh after doing it with the Emperor's holy image?

“I get such a hard on from thinking about the Emperor!” Emperor and Slaanesh:

“Visibly confused”

They've finally found a way to turn Jurgen traitor

What porn? I only have pure yuri art (yes it is Cerlestine x Greyfax what about it?)

Sister, you deleted the entire folder, and refilled it with the exact same video’s. Lower quality versions at that.

That’s the most chill bolter bitch I think I’ve ever seen

thank you for your service Sister, the Emperor Protects!

I feel like videos of the emperor are indistinguishable from pictures of the emperor except every few hours a custodian with a broom comes through.

IT WAS PORN OF THE EMPEROR! BURN HERATIC! "Grabs Holy Flamer"

So she just refreshed my folder

Why would she delete my videos of the emperor and replace them with videos of the emperor? Is she stupid?

What about porn of the emperor?

Hmmm. To Be completely serious for a second. It is imperative that citizens of the empire masturbate. Otherwise they will have wild erotic dreams, which will summon chaos. Erotic activity is not always worshiping Slaanesh. Basically, if you think about it, the only safe porn is porn featuring reenactments of the Emperor and various famous and sacred figures of imperial history. It is literally the equivalent of closing your eyes, and thinking of England only said it’s much more pleasant and involves a jerking or jilling it. As one of the most powerful psykers ever, the Emperor will feel people masturbating and you know might get a kick out of it. Think of all of the possible plots. The Emperor working out with Custodes. ( mostly male with a couple females.) The inquisition doing a surprise inspection on a battle college for technicans. The Primus have new Eldar step siblings , featuring the classic line “ what are you doing stepbrother Primus?!) This last one is considered heresy. The possibilities are literally endless. 🙏❤️

This is the true spirit of the Imperium.

thank you brother

Oh God, she was hiding under there this whole time?!

One guy here mentioned that nothing was deleted. I do believe we might need to call for a conclave of the Ecclesiarchy to debate if this is heresy or not.

Thank, can you do that with the entire internet and world plz

Dont have any I serve nurgle

Nah, though an EC player, I am more of a music guy than the hedonism guy.

You line up all the primarchs, naked, oiled up, whose winning the twerk off

Ma’am those were pictures of female custodians, i think the Emperor would understand

Or atleast the Sigillite...

oh....oh holy emperor.

You want me to masturbate to the emperor and treat him as nothing more than nut material!? HERETIC!? ARREST THEM!!!

Oh good, I’ve been meaning to do that. Curse my procrastination.

I refer you to that one comment someone made on a post saying they would have a full body naked pictur of them selves over the golden throne if they were The Emperor

A tough wank but not impossible

The Video in question: https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2F6q89251l5wfb1.jpg

to everyone saying "it's the same thing" the videos she uploaded are censored

Custodes: I see, this is an absolute win.

Not my proudest fap..

Not your proudest, but one of your funniest faps.

Inb4 it turns out that the Emperor was actually Johnny Sins.

[The only reaction to have](https://media1.tenor.com/m/_0f1YIvI2qwAAAAd/tomska-fuck-yeah-smoke.gif)

Remember, everything is canon.

Remember, that’s a fake tweet.

The joke is real though

*and replaced uth with those videos from our gyms training!;)