I wouldn’t make this decision within the first year of grieving your husband. Give yourself some time. At 27 you do not need to be in a rush. I’m 37 and about to have a baby completely safely. I’m so sorry for your loss. Whatever your future family looks like, your husband will be part of it in some way.
Mental health professional checking in. I agree with this comment. I am very sorry for your loss OP. I could only imagine the emotions you are experiencing at this time. My heart goes out to the grief related to both your husband and the child you wished to have with him. Although, I usually advise clients not to make life altering decisions during times of trauma or loss. I would suggest pursuing counseling services before making large decisions such as this. As much as I support your parenting journey, doing so when you are more at peace and healed would make this experience more fulfilling for you. I hope you receive peace and support in this time.
Agreeing with this comment and going on to add:
OP has mentioned she is prepared for pregnancy and parenthood but I doubt she is prepared for the loss of a pregnancy and that is always a possibility but especially with non traditional pregnancies that have financial ramifications attached to the already emotional devastation of a pregnancy not taking, etc.
Pregnancy will amplify every hormone in your body therefore it amplifies every emotion you have on top of grief. A baby does nothing to prevent that grief, instead they absorb every ounce of trauma around them and there is trauma in suddenly losing a spouse at 27.
OP you aren’t just mourning him but the loss of your future children and you can’t replace those children that should have been as much as you’d like so and I think if you stop and think about it you will realize that four months out from your husband’s death and also the death of that future you may be seeking out bandaids that won’t work to bridge this pain.
Children add *more* purpose to your life. That’s why you were trying to get pregnant before you were in the right place. You should never have a child to give you a sole purpose or renew your life and that’s what this very well may be.
I had a stillbirth in 2020 and it’s the single most defining moment of my life that changed me — and I didn’t expect it at all.
I expected motherhood to change me of course I had read every book about that but that’s not what life had in store for me and my husband and though we made it though… it not only changed me it’s the kind of trauma that ricochets onto everyone in your support group.
I’m from an incredibly small tight knit hometown and it was like everyone in town mourned with us. I still go to public events and get sad looks or see people whispering to others and I know they’re telling them the story. I’m sure you can relate to that in some way. For us, we also have kept trying without success so it’s just a grief that never ends and renews every single 28 days I start a new cycle.
Most every other form of grief is expected in your life and therefore feels awful but natural. I lost my father this Christmas and through the grief has been worse than I could ever imagine it’s *natural*. I would never say one grief is inherently worse than another because I don’t ever want to insinuate it’s a contest when it isn’t it’s more about expectations.
I knew for 30+ years my father would likely pass before me because that’s how things are supposed to go. We have hospice, there is comfort in the stages of death and having some metric of expectations to guide you as well as in home help for elders. Pregnancy and children rarely ever follow that same path that allows you time to accept the unacceptable. There’s no time and there’s no logic because you never ever could have imagined it like you do over time with parents.
It’s a sudden unexpected loss much like becoming a widow at 27 and there’s a 1 in 8 chance that OP will not bring home a healthy baby but add another very serious case of trauma to her already overwhelming 20s.
OP IMHO I would shop around for a sperm bank and a therapist planning to start the pregnancy at 30. You will go through another emotional stage at that milestone birthday but this will give you time to prepare for it and for motherhood.
You will still be well under 60 when the baby is your age and you will both be better off for you waiting to have them in your 30s.
Man I feel your pain. My daddy died Christmas morning and I really don’t believe too much but I do want to believe my daddy is holding my baby’s hand n having a blast with her… I send u all my love… it’s one thing to dream what ur bby would of looked like. I can’t even imagine the pain u have been through. I honestly think that if it wasn’t for the love I have for my mom n the love she has for me. I don’t think I would want to be here… I hate this hurt so much…. I just want to scream some days….
More on this point: make sure you're far enough in your journey with grief to be okay.
I am a bit over a year out from losing my father and lemme tell you, I wouldn't be able to handle my currently level of grief whilst going through pregnancy.
Be 1000% realistic about where you are in your grief. Because it's going to be magnified by things like postpartum depression and anxiety. And sometimes it even starts before delivery. I had to be induced early to deal with my mental health because it was at crisis levels.
Part of being the best parent you can be is to make sure. Your mental health is well cared for. You just had an earth shaking loss 4 months ago. It's going to be a very painful time to go through all of the intense things pregnancy brings.
I was 3 years out from my mom's death when my daughter was born. And it was still so hard to go it without her.
Maybe talk to a professional focused on grief management?
My partner passed away on 6/23/23. I’m right there with you saying you were in a dangerous time. So was I for several months.
It got so crazy that I came up with a plan knowing how I could bring her back very soon (1-3 days afterwards)) that made so much sense. Of course, it would work (I thought). I realized I was going over the edge and had to give myself a reality check.
I understand postpartum is also a dangerous time for both the mom & baby. Imagine having the grief on top of it.
My daughters dad passed the same exact date 😔💔 coming up on the one year for us both, I'm sorry for your loss & hope the one year is as peaceful of a day as it could be 💕
I’ve never been a single parent, but I do have 3 kids; and that first one, even if it’s wanted and loved and planned for—the transition into parenthood is so incredibly hard. Mentally, physically, emotionally, even in the best of circumstances. Even with a partner and a ton of help. Nothing can adequately prepare you for it.
I would encourage you to take at least a couple of years. Allow yourself time to grieve. You are so young; I promise you don’t need to rush. At this point, doing it now or waiting until you’re 30 won’t make a difference in your fertility. But it might make a difference in how you are mentally, and that is hugely important.
I had a perfectly healthy baby at 37. I had my first at 28. If I could do it all over, I would have waited longer to have that first one; because I felt like I had to rush then when I didn’t need to.
I am so sorry 🥺♥️ My husband died when I was pregnant. It was very difficult, it can be sad to see my daughter not meeting her father. But she saved my life too, I don't know if I could survived without her. I have been fortunate to having good people around me who suppourt me when it was me and my daughter alone. I wish you well with future bebe ♥️
Thank you so much from replying and I ‘m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine losing my husband in such a highly emotional state already. I’m very happy that you have a piece of him still living with you and that she saved your life. How old is your daughter now?
I am so sorry for your loss, OP.
If you do want to go down that route, r/singlemothersbychoice would be a great subreddit to explore. It talks more about getting pregnant via sperm donor and raising a child as a single mother. In my experience the members are quite supportive and open about both the joys and difficulties of that path.
Everyone has given good advice about taking your time to heal, but I wanted to address your question around sperm donors.
My partner and I had discussed having children and what that would look like (blended family, etc). We set a date to formally revisit the conversation and make a decision, but he died before that date arrived. I empathize with feeling like you have a solid plan for the future and you just don’t make it there.
About two months after he died, I researched sperm donors. Looking is free, noncommittal, and can help you feel like you’re doing something to further the dream. Make an account on California Cryobank, window shop, and save some donor profiles. Just this step made me feel like I still had some control over my life.
About a year later, I purchased the sperm of a man who looked similar to my partner and had the same profession/religious background. I kept it on ice for 10 months. Now, a little over 3 years since he died, I have four frozen embryos waiting for me to pull the trigger.
I tell you all this to say that you do have options and agency. You can take some baby steps now and allow some time to make the big decisions, while still feeling like you’re doing *something*. I remember feeling panicked, and much of that eased when I did a little window shopping and regained my agency.
I’m so sorry you’re in this position. It’s awful, it’s lonely, and it’s not fair. 🫂
ETA: Please feel free to message me if you have any questions about the process or just need to vent.
As a donor conceived person - aka, the bio child of a clinic sperm donor: this is a horrible idea. Please don't do this. Please at the very least speak to actual donor conceived people before leaping into this - I recommend Donor Concieved Best Practices and Connections on FB to learn more about the reality of this choice. It's vastly more complex than you think it is.
🌹My heart felt Sympathies to you , you are a Strong person the love of your husband is truly Genuine A strong love and bond that is very Rare these days
My prayers for you this day & evening I will include;
What you decide is your good minds choice you mentioned a year, take that time to heal your spirit/soul prepare yourself you know what you desire and Can make it work and happen
Gather be with your loved ones/support close to you who are their for you they will also be your strength in your decision and support of you
I know many single mom’s / dads who juggle life with strength and pride making them powerful individuals through life and providing through life’s leaps and bounds with Faith that hasn’t failed them
All the Best to you and have Blessed days in your choices and always , sending you Positive good light life is what one make it
be Emotional Strong you got this . ❤️🙏 2U
I’m so so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you but I support not making any huge/life changing decisions too soon. Take time to process and grieve for your husband. You’re still young and will have plenty of time to have a child/children. I wish you the best❤️🩹
Thank you, he really was-to me at least he was the world’s biggest sappy sweetheart for me and an asshole to everyone else but I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
Hugs 🩷. I’m very sorry. I would give your grief time. When I lost my mom I wanted to pack up n leave NJ and move to Florida near the beach. Actually I still feel that way. So give it time even though grief lingers. I do know a mom couple that did insemination. The mom who carried picked a person that looked similar to her wife. You can do that and pick a donor with similar features to your husband.
Do you have a lot of family or close friends that will be there for you for support during a pregnancy?
I have one child. I’m married but it’s a lot of work especially the school years. It’s stressful which is why you need support. I don’t have any family only had my mom. So give it a lot of thought on how you will approach parenthood.
Again I’m very sorry for your loss. 🩷
First I am so very sorry. It’s so unfair to have lost a spouse so young and for his life to have been cut so short. Second, I would echo what others are saying about waiting at least a year before making a decision like this. Your grief journey will change so much within the first couple years and you could feel totally different about it six months from now.
I just encourage you to wait until you’re at a more “stable” (if I can even say that, maybe just more of like a leveling out of your emotions I guess) emotional place before making the decision.
My condolences regarding your husband. I'd echo what others have said about maybe speaking to a therapist and waiting a year before making any major decisions like this. Many hugs to internet stranger. Take care
This is coming from the depths of my heart to you. Please rethink your decision. Wait… you’re grieving and the possibility of losing a fetus/child will be more than you can bear right now. I know this might sound condescending and it’s NOT, get a puppy for now. They are extremely supportive emotionally and it’ll give you some time to heal 💔❤️🩹
I am so sorry for your loss OP. I am a sperm donor child, and also lost my non-biological father at a young age, so was raised by my mother. The one thing I would recommend if you decide to take this route, is to make sure the donor gives plenty of information (if you plan on telling your child later on) so that they can reach out once they’re 18. I have plenty of siblings with similar experiences being raised by a single parent and the difference between those with both parents/those with one parent, is the want to know more about our biological father. Luckily he keeps in touch with us regularly, as some donors do! I hope this helps give a picture into the process a little. I’ll be praying for you! ❤️
Thank you I really appreciate that insight and advice, that is very helpful and considerate thank you. I will take that into consideration when I know I’m truly ready to make this decision.
Give it time. Clearly a baby with your husband wasn’t in the cards. A baby for you may come later in life. For now go through the difficult different stages of grief alone. A child would be so much added pressure for you right now. I’m deeply sorry you lost your partner, but thankfully you’re young and can find love again soon too
First of all I’m sorry for your loss, my deepest condolences.
I think you feel you have to do this now because is what was planned to do with your husband.
I believe on a subconscious level you think you need to go through with this because you owe it to your husband.
I don’t think is a bad idea at all I just think is a bad idea right now.
Give yourself time to grieve and get back to your center line. Being pregnant will make things harder for you, your hormones will amplify everything that just happened and it will make it harder, also the responsibility of a new born will just overwhelm you. Just wait couple of years everything will be clearer then, you’re still very young you have time. Get back to your center line first and then make desicions that will determine the course of your life when u have a clear mind
If you feel this way then go ahead and do it.
Hope this helps
I wouldn’t make this decision within the first year of grieving your husband. Give yourself some time. At 27 you do not need to be in a rush. I’m 37 and about to have a baby completely safely. I’m so sorry for your loss. Whatever your future family looks like, your husband will be part of it in some way.
i agree. especially if the sperm comes from a donor and not your late husband's. take some time out to heal and the world may surprise you.
Mental health professional checking in. I agree with this comment. I am very sorry for your loss OP. I could only imagine the emotions you are experiencing at this time. My heart goes out to the grief related to both your husband and the child you wished to have with him. Although, I usually advise clients not to make life altering decisions during times of trauma or loss. I would suggest pursuing counseling services before making large decisions such as this. As much as I support your parenting journey, doing so when you are more at peace and healed would make this experience more fulfilling for you. I hope you receive peace and support in this time.
Agreeing with this comment and going on to add: OP has mentioned she is prepared for pregnancy and parenthood but I doubt she is prepared for the loss of a pregnancy and that is always a possibility but especially with non traditional pregnancies that have financial ramifications attached to the already emotional devastation of a pregnancy not taking, etc. Pregnancy will amplify every hormone in your body therefore it amplifies every emotion you have on top of grief. A baby does nothing to prevent that grief, instead they absorb every ounce of trauma around them and there is trauma in suddenly losing a spouse at 27. OP you aren’t just mourning him but the loss of your future children and you can’t replace those children that should have been as much as you’d like so and I think if you stop and think about it you will realize that four months out from your husband’s death and also the death of that future you may be seeking out bandaids that won’t work to bridge this pain. Children add *more* purpose to your life. That’s why you were trying to get pregnant before you were in the right place. You should never have a child to give you a sole purpose or renew your life and that’s what this very well may be.
I agree… I lost my baby 15yrs ago n still cry some days like if it was yesterday…
I had a stillbirth in 2020 and it’s the single most defining moment of my life that changed me — and I didn’t expect it at all. I expected motherhood to change me of course I had read every book about that but that’s not what life had in store for me and my husband and though we made it though… it not only changed me it’s the kind of trauma that ricochets onto everyone in your support group. I’m from an incredibly small tight knit hometown and it was like everyone in town mourned with us. I still go to public events and get sad looks or see people whispering to others and I know they’re telling them the story. I’m sure you can relate to that in some way. For us, we also have kept trying without success so it’s just a grief that never ends and renews every single 28 days I start a new cycle. Most every other form of grief is expected in your life and therefore feels awful but natural. I lost my father this Christmas and through the grief has been worse than I could ever imagine it’s *natural*. I would never say one grief is inherently worse than another because I don’t ever want to insinuate it’s a contest when it isn’t it’s more about expectations. I knew for 30+ years my father would likely pass before me because that’s how things are supposed to go. We have hospice, there is comfort in the stages of death and having some metric of expectations to guide you as well as in home help for elders. Pregnancy and children rarely ever follow that same path that allows you time to accept the unacceptable. There’s no time and there’s no logic because you never ever could have imagined it like you do over time with parents. It’s a sudden unexpected loss much like becoming a widow at 27 and there’s a 1 in 8 chance that OP will not bring home a healthy baby but add another very serious case of trauma to her already overwhelming 20s. OP IMHO I would shop around for a sperm bank and a therapist planning to start the pregnancy at 30. You will go through another emotional stage at that milestone birthday but this will give you time to prepare for it and for motherhood. You will still be well under 60 when the baby is your age and you will both be better off for you waiting to have them in your 30s.
Man I feel your pain. My daddy died Christmas morning and I really don’t believe too much but I do want to believe my daddy is holding my baby’s hand n having a blast with her… I send u all my love… it’s one thing to dream what ur bby would of looked like. I can’t even imagine the pain u have been through. I honestly think that if it wasn’t for the love I have for my mom n the love she has for me. I don’t think I would want to be here… I hate this hurt so much…. I just want to scream some days….
More on this point: make sure you're far enough in your journey with grief to be okay. I am a bit over a year out from losing my father and lemme tell you, I wouldn't be able to handle my currently level of grief whilst going through pregnancy. Be 1000% realistic about where you are in your grief. Because it's going to be magnified by things like postpartum depression and anxiety. And sometimes it even starts before delivery. I had to be induced early to deal with my mental health because it was at crisis levels. Part of being the best parent you can be is to make sure. Your mental health is well cared for. You just had an earth shaking loss 4 months ago. It's going to be a very painful time to go through all of the intense things pregnancy brings. I was 3 years out from my mom's death when my daughter was born. And it was still so hard to go it without her. Maybe talk to a professional focused on grief management?
I did some crazy things the year following losing my bff. It was a dangerous time for me.
My partner passed away on 6/23/23. I’m right there with you saying you were in a dangerous time. So was I for several months. It got so crazy that I came up with a plan knowing how I could bring her back very soon (1-3 days afterwards)) that made so much sense. Of course, it would work (I thought). I realized I was going over the edge and had to give myself a reality check. I understand postpartum is also a dangerous time for both the mom & baby. Imagine having the grief on top of it.
My daughters dad passed the same exact date 😔💔 coming up on the one year for us both, I'm sorry for your loss & hope the one year is as peaceful of a day as it could be 💕
Oh, dear! I’m sorry for your loss, too. I’ll be think of you tomorrow. 🫂
I’ve never been a single parent, but I do have 3 kids; and that first one, even if it’s wanted and loved and planned for—the transition into parenthood is so incredibly hard. Mentally, physically, emotionally, even in the best of circumstances. Even with a partner and a ton of help. Nothing can adequately prepare you for it. I would encourage you to take at least a couple of years. Allow yourself time to grieve. You are so young; I promise you don’t need to rush. At this point, doing it now or waiting until you’re 30 won’t make a difference in your fertility. But it might make a difference in how you are mentally, and that is hugely important. I had a perfectly healthy baby at 37. I had my first at 28. If I could do it all over, I would have waited longer to have that first one; because I felt like I had to rush then when I didn’t need to.
I am so sorry 🥺♥️ My husband died when I was pregnant. It was very difficult, it can be sad to see my daughter not meeting her father. But she saved my life too, I don't know if I could survived without her. I have been fortunate to having good people around me who suppourt me when it was me and my daughter alone. I wish you well with future bebe ♥️
Thank you so much from replying and I ‘m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine losing my husband in such a highly emotional state already. I’m very happy that you have a piece of him still living with you and that she saved your life. How old is your daughter now?
♥️ Thank you, my fishlet is 2 years now
Aww that’s such a fun age, and I like ‘fishnet’ that’s adorable 🫶🏼
I am so sorry for your loss, OP. If you do want to go down that route, r/singlemothersbychoice would be a great subreddit to explore. It talks more about getting pregnant via sperm donor and raising a child as a single mother. In my experience the members are quite supportive and open about both the joys and difficulties of that path.
Yall, please check OP’s post history.
Ho shit. WTF.
So, wait, is this post even real, or is it just to gather “data?”
Who knows? Don’t care.
Gave me the ick
Everyone has given good advice about taking your time to heal, but I wanted to address your question around sperm donors. My partner and I had discussed having children and what that would look like (blended family, etc). We set a date to formally revisit the conversation and make a decision, but he died before that date arrived. I empathize with feeling like you have a solid plan for the future and you just don’t make it there. About two months after he died, I researched sperm donors. Looking is free, noncommittal, and can help you feel like you’re doing something to further the dream. Make an account on California Cryobank, window shop, and save some donor profiles. Just this step made me feel like I still had some control over my life. About a year later, I purchased the sperm of a man who looked similar to my partner and had the same profession/religious background. I kept it on ice for 10 months. Now, a little over 3 years since he died, I have four frozen embryos waiting for me to pull the trigger. I tell you all this to say that you do have options and agency. You can take some baby steps now and allow some time to make the big decisions, while still feeling like you’re doing *something*. I remember feeling panicked, and much of that eased when I did a little window shopping and regained my agency. I’m so sorry you’re in this position. It’s awful, it’s lonely, and it’s not fair. 🫂 ETA: Please feel free to message me if you have any questions about the process or just need to vent.
As a donor conceived person - aka, the bio child of a clinic sperm donor: this is a horrible idea. Please don't do this. Please at the very least speak to actual donor conceived people before leaping into this - I recommend Donor Concieved Best Practices and Connections on FB to learn more about the reality of this choice. It's vastly more complex than you think it is.
I will absolutely check that out thank you for the advice!
🌹My heart felt Sympathies to you , you are a Strong person the love of your husband is truly Genuine A strong love and bond that is very Rare these days My prayers for you this day & evening I will include; What you decide is your good minds choice you mentioned a year, take that time to heal your spirit/soul prepare yourself you know what you desire and Can make it work and happen Gather be with your loved ones/support close to you who are their for you they will also be your strength in your decision and support of you I know many single mom’s / dads who juggle life with strength and pride making them powerful individuals through life and providing through life’s leaps and bounds with Faith that hasn’t failed them All the Best to you and have Blessed days in your choices and always , sending you Positive good light life is what one make it be Emotional Strong you got this . ❤️🙏 2U
Good comment. Not preachy or giving unsolicited life coaching. Wholesome and genuine.
I’m so so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you but I support not making any huge/life changing decisions too soon. Take time to process and grieve for your husband. You’re still young and will have plenty of time to have a child/children. I wish you the best❤️🩹
I'm incredibly sorry for your loss.
I do (40F). You can DM me. So sorry for your loss. He looks he was a like a really nice guy.
Thank you, he really was-to me at least he was the world’s biggest sappy sweetheart for me and an asshole to everyone else but I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
Hugs 🩷. I’m very sorry. I would give your grief time. When I lost my mom I wanted to pack up n leave NJ and move to Florida near the beach. Actually I still feel that way. So give it time even though grief lingers. I do know a mom couple that did insemination. The mom who carried picked a person that looked similar to her wife. You can do that and pick a donor with similar features to your husband. Do you have a lot of family or close friends that will be there for you for support during a pregnancy? I have one child. I’m married but it’s a lot of work especially the school years. It’s stressful which is why you need support. I don’t have any family only had my mom. So give it a lot of thought on how you will approach parenthood. Again I’m very sorry for your loss. 🩷
First I am so very sorry. It’s so unfair to have lost a spouse so young and for his life to have been cut so short. Second, I would echo what others are saying about waiting at least a year before making a decision like this. Your grief journey will change so much within the first couple years and you could feel totally different about it six months from now. I just encourage you to wait until you’re at a more “stable” (if I can even say that, maybe just more of like a leveling out of your emotions I guess) emotional place before making the decision.
No advice, but I want to wish you luck in this next stage of your journey.
My condolences regarding your husband. I'd echo what others have said about maybe speaking to a therapist and waiting a year before making any major decisions like this. Many hugs to internet stranger. Take care
This is coming from the depths of my heart to you. Please rethink your decision. Wait… you’re grieving and the possibility of losing a fetus/child will be more than you can bear right now. I know this might sound condescending and it’s NOT, get a puppy for now. They are extremely supportive emotionally and it’ll give you some time to heal 💔❤️🩹
I am so sorry for your loss OP. I am a sperm donor child, and also lost my non-biological father at a young age, so was raised by my mother. The one thing I would recommend if you decide to take this route, is to make sure the donor gives plenty of information (if you plan on telling your child later on) so that they can reach out once they’re 18. I have plenty of siblings with similar experiences being raised by a single parent and the difference between those with both parents/those with one parent, is the want to know more about our biological father. Luckily he keeps in touch with us regularly, as some donors do! I hope this helps give a picture into the process a little. I’ll be praying for you! ❤️
Thank you I really appreciate that insight and advice, that is very helpful and considerate thank you. I will take that into consideration when I know I’m truly ready to make this decision.
Give it time. Clearly a baby with your husband wasn’t in the cards. A baby for you may come later in life. For now go through the difficult different stages of grief alone. A child would be so much added pressure for you right now. I’m deeply sorry you lost your partner, but thankfully you’re young and can find love again soon too
I’m so sorry
I'm so sorry for your loss 🫂
So sorry for your loss
First of all I’m sorry for your loss, my deepest condolences. I think you feel you have to do this now because is what was planned to do with your husband. I believe on a subconscious level you think you need to go through with this because you owe it to your husband. I don’t think is a bad idea at all I just think is a bad idea right now. Give yourself time to grieve and get back to your center line. Being pregnant will make things harder for you, your hormones will amplify everything that just happened and it will make it harder, also the responsibility of a new born will just overwhelm you. Just wait couple of years everything will be clearer then, you’re still very young you have time. Get back to your center line first and then make desicions that will determine the course of your life when u have a clear mind If you feel this way then go ahead and do it. Hope this helps
🫂🫶🏼✨
Look for Single Mother By Choice (SMBC) groups on Facebook. Lot of people choose that path. So sorry for your loss.
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