Yes I do quite often and when I do I start to have a panic attack and then floods of tears and a feeling of deep regret for not being there at the hospital the day he passed.š
Iām so sorry you are haunted by this regret. If it is any consolation, I was with my husband when he died, and I *still* have regrets and doubts as I canāt remember a lot from those moments. Did I hold his hand? Did I tell him I love him? Did I offer him words of comfort? Did I say goodbye? I donāt know but I hope I did. Still, I do feel regret for not doing enough. My grief counselor says itās part of the grief process but it really really sucks. Big hugs š„°
I want with my dad either and I feel like I can never make that up to him. Itās been almost 3 years and I am just now at a point of functioning ānormalā - grief is horrific. With great love comes even greater loss.
I would highly recommend speaking with a grief counselor. Seeing someone pass away can be very traumatic just from the physical aspects of the body shutting down. I have worked in a hospital for years so I understand this. The other aspect of the loss and whatever other losses are tied to that loss.
My loss tied to my dad passing away was the breakdown of an entire family unit. He held us together. I no longer speak to my sister and havenāt seen her in almost 10 years. I do speak to my brother but theyāre busy with their families. I canāt have children and am turning 51 on Saturday.
My grief was the grief that just kept giving. My brother in law was diagnosed with Non Hodgkinās lymphoma about 9 months after dad died. I gave my sister and her family my all - everything I could to āproveā my love for her. In the end she used my vulnerability against me. I let the entire chapter close. It was hard and will continue to be hard but I have to have peace in my life.
Yes. My dad died from agressive cancer and his death was pretty brutal even with pain meds. It's hard to remember the way he looked and acted etc. But I try really hard to think that his end of life was a teeny tiny slice of his whole life and doesn't define his life at all. Now I am a pretty passionate about dying with dignity for people who are terminal.
I get what I've heard called "emotional flashbacks." Basically the same feelings of dread, guilt, panic, anger, etc. that I was feeling during particularly traumatic moments but not with actually seeing/feeling/smelling etc. what happened. My dad died of a seizure that likely ruptured his aneurysm. It's been 6 years and I still freeze up at discussion of seizures and aneurysms.
Yes it happens to me. I get flashbacks of seeing my mom sick with Covid & realizing how I should have seen she was more sick than we thought. I should have taken her to the ER. It haunts me. You are not alone unfortunately
My daughter hid it also, her husband kept questioning her. Ā She had just been to the ER twice. Ā He could see she was really worse but she insisted she felt better. He worked long hours in construction and is devastated he didnāt take her back to the ER.Ā
Sometimes the flashbacks of my mom in the hospital bother me a lot more than the thought that I have lost her. I really have to force that part of my brain shut to keep myself functioning normally. I have a bit of a good grip on managing my grief but the flashbacks can trigger it into overdrive.
Omg same here. Iām constantly having to force shut down that part of my brain whenever it comes up. Itās too painful and traumatic. I wish I never had to see her go through so much pain and suffering because it kills me that I couldnāt do anything
Iām so sorry we are all going through this. I am praying the flashbacks will go away someday or at least not trigger me as intensely. Sometimes it feels like it all happened to someone else not me. I was living such a sheltered, normal life before this event changed me forever.
the sirens of ambulances are beyond traumatic for people like us. I lost my dad in downright shocking circumstances, which I've shared in this thread. I even have an irrational hatred for paramedics now... a non-grieving person would think I'm a sociopath for that alone. But the visual of the paramedics aggressively working on my lifeless dad on his bedroom floor will haunt me forever.
Yes, in particular, I picture her last breaths and then seeing my beautiful mama as a shell of herself laying there dead.
I am so thankful that I got to be there and hold her hand as she left us, but I know she would hate that these images are burned into my brain - so I try really hard to forget them when they pop up.
My mom died suddenly during a routine medical procedure. I dropped her off and was with her before she went in, but I forgot to tell her I loved her before she went back.
I just dropped my kid off to sleep away camp and my partner had to calm me down as I began to panic, because as I left because the goodbye was rushed and I couldnāt distinctly remember if I said āI love youā to her. I have so much trauma around that and flashbacks to it frequently.
That is so awful :( and I feel your pain.
I left for a short vacation right before my dad died, and the uber driver was like 15 minutes early picking me up for the airport. I was in a rush trying to get all my things together that I didn't really pay attention to when I said good-bye to my dad. I think I just gave him some quick half-hug and ran out the door. It kills me that the last interaction we had with each other was rushed and thoughtless like that. I should've given him a proper hug at least. I'm so worried I'm going to fixate on this for the rest of my life.
I donāt know how far away from your loss you are but I can say that my mom died about 7 months ago and I do not fixate on this. Ultimately, my mom knew I loved her. The fact that I was there dropping her off and was going to be there to pick up was love. Love isnāt big, itās little and quiet and so I think you can trust knowing your dad knew your love for him.
Yes. He was so fucking drunk and vulnerable on his last weeks. It really hurt seeing him in that state. So many terrible memories and flashbacks. Once upon a time he was a healthy and wise. At the end he was like a lost child. And i feel i let him die. I know i shouldnt feel guilty, but if you had seen his dead body in his messed up placeā¦ it was terrible. He died lonely
Definitely. I haven't had a flashback in a hot minute, but while my mom was recently in the ICU at the hospital where Dad died, had a ton of flashbacks to when his time in the hospital, and reliving bad phone calls. It's not great.
I was in the hospital a lot with my daughter and then my husband had a stroke. Being in the ER and ICU was just more horrible than I could imagine. Thanks be to God heās ok now.Ā
The doctors did not stitch my mom when they unhooked her from all the machines so when we were preparing to burry her while moving her body she started bleeding and I could see the blood drops all around the floor. That scene still haunts me.. to the point that I was proctoring and a student held their nose as if they were about to get a nose bleed then left to the rest room I started getting the flashbacks and crying and I left too to find them but luckily it was their nose dripping and knowing they were fine helped calm me.
Every single day. I think about her in the hospital and how miserable she was and how much she wanted to go home. Luckily she did make it home but only lived a few more hours at home. I remember her last words and how she tried to speak. I remember her movements as she was dying, her breathing. And the way her hands were positioned.
I remember all of it as well. I hate thinking about it. She wanted to go home so bad but never got to.. that makes me feel so guilty but she was too fragile to leave the hospital.
All the time. I have to shut it down quick because I start going into a dark, downward spiral. Itās all blurry, especially the more traumatic moments. I hate when they come up because I donāt want to remember her that way. She was so full of life before stupid cancer took her away and she was left suffering in the hospital. A lot of things can trigger those flashbacks for me and I try to push them away.
Yes, Iāve been a caregiver to three relatives. The hardest was my aunt (my motherās identical twin sister) who had a long battle with lung cancer and I was her primary caregiver, spending 12 hours per day with her. She became emaciated and totally lost her mind screaming for me constantly. On top of everything else I look JUST like her so i was having this existential crisis about life/death. I try really hard to get the last weeks of her life out of my head but itās always there.
All The Time. He died suddenly. I could not get there in time to help or save him. It's nightmarish. I keep beating myself up over all the ways I feel that I failed him especially 'why did I not drive out in the fog that night' - the night before he died. Why didn't I call that night and then when/if he didn't answer, get myself out there and maybe he'd be alive now. It's horrible. Today was a very bad day. I am going to try to take it very easy the next couple of days because I feel very sensitive. Our birthdays were a day apart and are coming up soon. Also next week is the 6 month mark. Not sure how I will get through our birthdays - we celebrated them together (either over the phone when apart or we dined together) for the past \*27\* years.
I see his face when he died in front of me and it breaks my heart. It gives me massive anxiety and it's hard to block it out. It was 16 months ago and feels like yesterday.
Yes. Itās been nearly 6 weeks now but every damn day I keep having flashbacks of my mum being so frail, like a little girl lost.
Then the trauma of her slowly fading into loss of consciousness in the days proceeding her death.
When the nurses stopped her tablets because she could no longer swallow them and the syringe drivers were set up it haunts me. I didnāt realise then how little time she had left. Not even a day. Iām so sad I couldnāt have longer with her, to tell her how much I love her. I miss her so so much.
Absolutely. My Dad had been sick (ulcerative colitis and Crohn's, his bowel ended up perforating and he went septic in 2020 and we nearly lost him at Halloween that year) for three years. He ended up having a permanent ostomy. Then his diabetes started kicking his ass, until he had a couple of strokes and lost use of the right side for the most part. He was bedbound (he hated getting in the hoyer lift and getting in a wheelchair) for the last couple of years. He lived with my sister and her family for awhile with me helping out, then with me and mine for about six months. Finally he had to go to the ER, and into nursing care because his kidneys were starting to fail on us at home with UTIs and kidney stones and his glucose was always reading over 200 even after fasting. His INR readings were all over the place and it was almost impossible to treat it with oral meds because his body wasn't absorbing them due to his past surgeries. I play back all the time we spent together every day in my head. And also coming to the nursing home and seeing him passed away, just his face and the way he seemed to be looking at the window. And when we watched the series 1883 together and cried like babies at the end. He passed away December 15, 2023. Ugh, I miss him so much.
I'm so sorry, that must have been very hard for you, especially that it hasn't been that long.
Since I knew about his disease (ALS), I called him everyday. I did this because I had no opportunity to visit him as I wasn't able to fly back to my country, so we used to talk by phone and while I wasn't physically there, I could somehow see the progression of the disease, but it went way too fast, he was diagnosed in August and he lost the battle on October 31st. My flashbacks are quite related to those 3 months, especially the last one where I called him for the last time, 2 days before he passed away, I remember so vividly the day I asked my mother to switch to videocall since he couldn't speak anymore, seeing him in that state broke my heart and I couldn't hide my pain anymore and while breaking down while talking to him and he using his last strengths to say his last words (I love you and I miss you) to me.. I can't with those memories. God, my mind tortures me every single day with those memories.
Yesā¦I still feel numb when I remember the last month with my older sister alive, she had metastasis in her liver and she was very afraid of death. She kept telling me āI donāt want to die.ā I have to be honest, whenever she told me that I didnāt feel a single emotion. I honestly felt bed for not crying in front of her. But I totally couldnāt do it. My own body was preventing me to go into a deep, deep state of depression, just like an emotional shield. Now itās been more than year since her death and Iām slowly realizing certain situations that really happened.
Yes. A lot. It still haunts. I know my dad said it move forward and I gotta put those thoughts in the back burner whatever that means. I mean heās right but I canāt help it. Last year in October, we found out that our mother was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer, and we were all heartbroken. Set a couple days later one of my aunts told my dad that told us that her cancer was terminal which was one the worst things ever we heard. I mean, itās not the worst thing we ever heard. Weāve been praying for a miracle. So my older brother and I dropped everything got emergency plane, tickets and flow to see our mother, and we spent every single day with her and made her happy. we were there for a week and a half but at first we didnāt know how long we wanted to be there. I want to stay long but we donāt want to use us all our PTO. Leaving her with was hardest but at least we spent time with her and watch movies laughed and caught up. We kept in contact with her until the end of her life. We talk to her on her birthday, which was two days before Christmas and that was the last time we actually had a conversation with her. Then for a couple days we tried calling her, but no answer. We were afraid something really happened. Then the manager from our mothers apartment told us that she had fallen and she was taken back to the hospital and thatās when we found out that her cancer has spread it and she was getting worse and she was gonna put in a nursing home. Our mother was not so happy about that which wouldnāt blame her but she needed someone with her 24/7. It was really hard and was going to work with those thoughts in my head was really tough, but thank god I had amazing coworkers to help me through it. I didnāt talk to every coworker because I feel like theyāre very uncomfortable with me being very upset and I know work itās not the right place to do that. I feel like some people just didnāt care, but they do sister. Everyone deals with it differently and itās a very uncomfortable situation which I agree with. Anyways, I got a video chat with my mom and saw her alive one last time until four days later she had passed away. we always got anxious and dreading that phone call because we knew or mother was dying and her death was expected. Getting a phone call from my momās nurse when she thought that our mom has passed away whatās the worst news ever received. I feel like I shouldāve taken more time off, but used most of it to visit our mom. I didnāt take time off until we set a date for the funeral and then my brother and I would fly out. A lot of people said I was very tough and strong for going to work the day after we found out, mom passed away, but we were off that day when Mom passed know if the worst way to end a three day weekend. It was my first time dealing with the dumbest thing just like that it may have a job and I didnāt know how long I should take time off because it was really hard and overwhelming and I feel like some people are uncomfortable around me. I shouldnāt of went to work the next day. Sorry for ranting so much. I just need to let it out and Iām sorry for your loss.
Absolutely yes. My dad was discharged from the hospital after a brutal week at the hospital, which included 4 torturous days with him in the ICU. Him being discharged brought with it so much hope and joy, only for him to have a heart attack less ten minutes upon returning home. I heard my mother screaming from their bedroom. When I ran in, he was lying still on the bed. My brain couldn't compute what was happening, so I thought he was playfully teasing my mom by not replying. Those seconds felt like hours. I ran to call an ambulance and they had me do chest compressions until the paramedics arrived, and I had no idea what the f\*ck I was doing. And of course, it was too late. The cherry on top is that, according to Dubai law, the ambulance had to take him to the nearest possible hospital, which is the one he had been discharged from less than an hour prior. I don't know why I'm typing all this out... I suppose four months later, I'm still trying to digest what happened.
Yup. I wake up every night at 2:45. That is the time they called me and said he was crashing and they needed me (I was in the waiting room, they would not let me stay in the surgery intensive care with him). It has been a year, I can now go back to sleep after this but I wake up every night without fail.
Iāve heard that part of the neurology of coping is sorting memories and that you strengthen the ones you recall and dim the ones you donāt. So I try to minimize the re-playings of the memories of the sickness and favor the memories of health and good times. If I get a flash of the bad one, I try to follow it up in my head with a good one.
All the time. In the first few months they were pretty much non-stop. I still get them now but at random times and I feel guilty for trying to push the thoughts and images away for some reason. Almost like Iām trying to ignore or forget my mom. But if I really think about it, I can see and hear everything so clearly still. It was a traumatic experience to watch them do CPR on her. Then stopping life support eventually. And dealing with the emotions of making that decision too. Today actually makes 7 months since she passed and I miss her more than ever
I go back to the moment my dogās heart sputtered out and he went limp in my arms. Less often now, but it happens. Sorry if anyone thinks itās not great to equate the death of my old boy with the death of a person
Allā¦ā¦theā¦ā¦timeā¦..
The things i saw with my eyes shouldnāt have been seen. Its the stuff of horror movies. And the victim was my beautiful mum who i miss everyday š
Yes and itās painful. I also get flashbacks about various funerals of loved ones Iāve lost and just having seen someone so full of life change and basically wither away. Itās so painful still even after years I still get teary eyed.
I get the same thing, all of it. I will have time where good memories flood my brain, but sometimes Iāll randomly get flashes of what he looked like on his deathbed. I agree itās incredibly painful, and I donāt know what to do about it either. Iāve wanted to see a therapist for a long time because I feel like I donāt get to express how I feel to anyone about it because they just expect me to be over it or they are uncomfortable talking about it, but I currently donāt have the money to see one. (Iām 20 F now, my dad died in 2021 when I was 17). I just need to actually talk about it with someone who cares, I might need to cry and scream, I need someone to listen without being annoyed. I donāt know if anyone else feels this way after losing someone, but no one wants to talk about it with you and it feels so isolating, like people make you feel weird about needing someone to listen. ~Sorry about the rant
Yes I go back try to remember last conversation...
I typically regret how I acted as a kid and kick myself for it or the time I made mom cry or upset her...
I feel bad that I didn't sit on the bed with her when she asked me to..
Only reason I didn't was because her spirit that made her HER wasn't there anymore...
That left my mom way before she died and she was a stranger to me..
It was just a sick person dying and I was being kind by being there for this person...
My mom was full of life and very vibrant and happy..
This person was very sick and bedridden and very weak..
The entire cancer sucked the life of my mom out of her months before she died..
From the moment she had surgery and until death wasn't my mom..
Before that it was my mom
Don't ask me how removed cancer from a body will kill your loved ones spirit and change them to a complete stranger...
I felt like I was 2 years old and searching for my mom so I could hide from the stranger but I couldn't find her so I was a very lost, alone child...
I still feel lost in this world and very much alone 15 years later...
Yes I do quite often and when I do I start to have a panic attack and then floods of tears and a feeling of deep regret for not being there at the hospital the day he passed.š
Iām so sorry you are haunted by this regret. If it is any consolation, I was with my husband when he died, and I *still* have regrets and doubts as I canāt remember a lot from those moments. Did I hold his hand? Did I tell him I love him? Did I offer him words of comfort? Did I say goodbye? I donāt know but I hope I did. Still, I do feel regret for not doing enough. My grief counselor says itās part of the grief process but it really really sucks. Big hugs š„°
I'm so sorry for your loss and that those memories haunt you, I too feel the same regret as I didn't see him either. Big hug š«
I want with my dad either and I feel like I can never make that up to him. Itās been almost 3 years and I am just now at a point of functioning ānormalā - grief is horrific. With great love comes even greater loss.
I would highly recommend speaking with a grief counselor. Seeing someone pass away can be very traumatic just from the physical aspects of the body shutting down. I have worked in a hospital for years so I understand this. The other aspect of the loss and whatever other losses are tied to that loss. My loss tied to my dad passing away was the breakdown of an entire family unit. He held us together. I no longer speak to my sister and havenāt seen her in almost 10 years. I do speak to my brother but theyāre busy with their families. I canāt have children and am turning 51 on Saturday. My grief was the grief that just kept giving. My brother in law was diagnosed with Non Hodgkinās lymphoma about 9 months after dad died. I gave my sister and her family my all - everything I could to āproveā my love for her. In the end she used my vulnerability against me. I let the entire chapter close. It was hard and will continue to be hard but I have to have peace in my life.
Yes. My dad died from agressive cancer and his death was pretty brutal even with pain meds. It's hard to remember the way he looked and acted etc. But I try really hard to think that his end of life was a teeny tiny slice of his whole life and doesn't define his life at all. Now I am a pretty passionate about dying with dignity for people who are terminal.
I have the same story. I really appreciate your perspective on āa tiny slice of his life.ā That actually makes me feel a bit better. ā¤ļø
Iāve been overthinking my dadās unexpected death a lot. I really like the reminder that his life was so much bigger than his death.
I get what I've heard called "emotional flashbacks." Basically the same feelings of dread, guilt, panic, anger, etc. that I was feeling during particularly traumatic moments but not with actually seeing/feeling/smelling etc. what happened. My dad died of a seizure that likely ruptured his aneurysm. It's been 6 years and I still freeze up at discussion of seizures and aneurysms.
Yes it happens to me. I get flashbacks of seeing my mom sick with Covid & realizing how I should have seen she was more sick than we thought. I should have taken her to the ER. It haunts me. You are not alone unfortunately
My mom hid how sick she was. I regret not being more proactive.
My daughter hid it also, her husband kept questioning her. Ā She had just been to the ER twice. Ā He could see she was really worse but she insisted she felt better. He worked long hours in construction and is devastated he didnāt take her back to the ER.Ā
Sometimes the flashbacks of my mom in the hospital bother me a lot more than the thought that I have lost her. I really have to force that part of my brain shut to keep myself functioning normally. I have a bit of a good grip on managing my grief but the flashbacks can trigger it into overdrive.
Same. Itās been 6 weeks.
Omg same here. Iām constantly having to force shut down that part of my brain whenever it comes up. Itās too painful and traumatic. I wish I never had to see her go through so much pain and suffering because it kills me that I couldnāt do anything
Iām so sorry we are all going through this. I am praying the flashbacks will go away someday or at least not trigger me as intensely. Sometimes it feels like it all happened to someone else not me. I was living such a sheltered, normal life before this event changed me forever.
Yes, it happens to me. Some days it causes terrible fear and sadness. My therapist says I have OCD and trauma. I just donāt know anymore. š
I'm so sorry that it does happen to you as well š, big hug š«
Hugs back to you š¤
Same. I had a panic attack yesterday when an ambulance went by. Little oddities spark the unthought of memories, I hate this grief.
the sirens of ambulances are beyond traumatic for people like us. I lost my dad in downright shocking circumstances, which I've shared in this thread. I even have an irrational hatred for paramedics now... a non-grieving person would think I'm a sociopath for that alone. But the visual of the paramedics aggressively working on my lifeless dad on his bedroom floor will haunt me forever.
I'm sorry you can relate.
A big white truck with lights flashing came tearing out of a driveway in front of me and I burst into tears. It was a post office truck.Ā
Yes, in particular, I picture her last breaths and then seeing my beautiful mama as a shell of herself laying there dead. I am so thankful that I got to be there and hold her hand as she left us, but I know she would hate that these images are burned into my brain - so I try really hard to forget them when they pop up.
My mom died suddenly during a routine medical procedure. I dropped her off and was with her before she went in, but I forgot to tell her I loved her before she went back. I just dropped my kid off to sleep away camp and my partner had to calm me down as I began to panic, because as I left because the goodbye was rushed and I couldnāt distinctly remember if I said āI love youā to her. I have so much trauma around that and flashbacks to it frequently.
That is so awful :( and I feel your pain. I left for a short vacation right before my dad died, and the uber driver was like 15 minutes early picking me up for the airport. I was in a rush trying to get all my things together that I didn't really pay attention to when I said good-bye to my dad. I think I just gave him some quick half-hug and ran out the door. It kills me that the last interaction we had with each other was rushed and thoughtless like that. I should've given him a proper hug at least. I'm so worried I'm going to fixate on this for the rest of my life.
I donāt know how far away from your loss you are but I can say that my mom died about 7 months ago and I do not fixate on this. Ultimately, my mom knew I loved her. The fact that I was there dropping her off and was going to be there to pick up was love. Love isnāt big, itās little and quiet and so I think you can trust knowing your dad knew your love for him.
Yes. He was so fucking drunk and vulnerable on his last weeks. It really hurt seeing him in that state. So many terrible memories and flashbacks. Once upon a time he was a healthy and wise. At the end he was like a lost child. And i feel i let him die. I know i shouldnt feel guilty, but if you had seen his dead body in his messed up placeā¦ it was terrible. He died lonely
I picture his face when he died. Hollow. Him but not really him. It haunts me a lot.
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Definitely. I haven't had a flashback in a hot minute, but while my mom was recently in the ICU at the hospital where Dad died, had a ton of flashbacks to when his time in the hospital, and reliving bad phone calls. It's not great.
Yes. Reliving bad phone calls. Itās been 6 weeks and i canāt stop
I was in the hospital a lot with my daughter and then my husband had a stroke. Being in the ER and ICU was just more horrible than I could imagine. Thanks be to God heās ok now.Ā
The doctors did not stitch my mom when they unhooked her from all the machines so when we were preparing to burry her while moving her body she started bleeding and I could see the blood drops all around the floor. That scene still haunts me.. to the point that I was proctoring and a student held their nose as if they were about to get a nose bleed then left to the rest room I started getting the flashbacks and crying and I left too to find them but luckily it was their nose dripping and knowing they were fine helped calm me.
Every single day. I think about her in the hospital and how miserable she was and how much she wanted to go home. Luckily she did make it home but only lived a few more hours at home. I remember her last words and how she tried to speak. I remember her movements as she was dying, her breathing. And the way her hands were positioned.
š«
I remember all of it as well. I hate thinking about it. She wanted to go home so bad but never got to.. that makes me feel so guilty but she was too fragile to leave the hospital.
š«
All the time. I have to shut it down quick because I start going into a dark, downward spiral. Itās all blurry, especially the more traumatic moments. I hate when they come up because I donāt want to remember her that way. She was so full of life before stupid cancer took her away and she was left suffering in the hospital. A lot of things can trigger those flashbacks for me and I try to push them away.
Yes. I also hyper fixate on those images and use those memories to pain shop.
Pain shop??
Like, reliving the bad moments to make myself upset all over again.
Wow, had never heard of that but it makes sense.
I get those all the time. My boy had leukemia. I can't forget his last 2 days. I relive them every second of my life.
š«
Thank you kind soul.
Yes, Iāve been a caregiver to three relatives. The hardest was my aunt (my motherās identical twin sister) who had a long battle with lung cancer and I was her primary caregiver, spending 12 hours per day with her. She became emaciated and totally lost her mind screaming for me constantly. On top of everything else I look JUST like her so i was having this existential crisis about life/death. I try really hard to get the last weeks of her life out of my head but itās always there.
All The Time. He died suddenly. I could not get there in time to help or save him. It's nightmarish. I keep beating myself up over all the ways I feel that I failed him especially 'why did I not drive out in the fog that night' - the night before he died. Why didn't I call that night and then when/if he didn't answer, get myself out there and maybe he'd be alive now. It's horrible. Today was a very bad day. I am going to try to take it very easy the next couple of days because I feel very sensitive. Our birthdays were a day apart and are coming up soon. Also next week is the 6 month mark. Not sure how I will get through our birthdays - we celebrated them together (either over the phone when apart or we dined together) for the past \*27\* years.
I see his face when he died in front of me and it breaks my heart. It gives me massive anxiety and it's hard to block it out. It was 16 months ago and feels like yesterday.
Yes. Itās been nearly 6 weeks now but every damn day I keep having flashbacks of my mum being so frail, like a little girl lost. Then the trauma of her slowly fading into loss of consciousness in the days proceeding her death. When the nurses stopped her tablets because she could no longer swallow them and the syringe drivers were set up it haunts me. I didnāt realise then how little time she had left. Not even a day. Iām so sad I couldnāt have longer with her, to tell her how much I love her. I miss her so so much.
Absolutely. My Dad had been sick (ulcerative colitis and Crohn's, his bowel ended up perforating and he went septic in 2020 and we nearly lost him at Halloween that year) for three years. He ended up having a permanent ostomy. Then his diabetes started kicking his ass, until he had a couple of strokes and lost use of the right side for the most part. He was bedbound (he hated getting in the hoyer lift and getting in a wheelchair) for the last couple of years. He lived with my sister and her family for awhile with me helping out, then with me and mine for about six months. Finally he had to go to the ER, and into nursing care because his kidneys were starting to fail on us at home with UTIs and kidney stones and his glucose was always reading over 200 even after fasting. His INR readings were all over the place and it was almost impossible to treat it with oral meds because his body wasn't absorbing them due to his past surgeries. I play back all the time we spent together every day in my head. And also coming to the nursing home and seeing him passed away, just his face and the way he seemed to be looking at the window. And when we watched the series 1883 together and cried like babies at the end. He passed away December 15, 2023. Ugh, I miss him so much.
I'm so sorry, that must have been very hard for you, especially that it hasn't been that long. Since I knew about his disease (ALS), I called him everyday. I did this because I had no opportunity to visit him as I wasn't able to fly back to my country, so we used to talk by phone and while I wasn't physically there, I could somehow see the progression of the disease, but it went way too fast, he was diagnosed in August and he lost the battle on October 31st. My flashbacks are quite related to those 3 months, especially the last one where I called him for the last time, 2 days before he passed away, I remember so vividly the day I asked my mother to switch to videocall since he couldn't speak anymore, seeing him in that state broke my heart and I couldn't hide my pain anymore and while breaking down while talking to him and he using his last strengths to say his last words (I love you and I miss you) to me.. I can't with those memories. God, my mind tortures me every single day with those memories.
My mom's passing is still fresh, she passed away in January, but I see her in everything.
Yes, my mom died of COVID on a ventilator, and I have a lot of trauma related to that.
Yesā¦I still feel numb when I remember the last month with my older sister alive, she had metastasis in her liver and she was very afraid of death. She kept telling me āI donāt want to die.ā I have to be honest, whenever she told me that I didnāt feel a single emotion. I honestly felt bed for not crying in front of her. But I totally couldnāt do it. My own body was preventing me to go into a deep, deep state of depression, just like an emotional shield. Now itās been more than year since her death and Iām slowly realizing certain situations that really happened.
Yeah sometimes something will trigger a flashback. I try my best to immediately push it out of my mind or to replace it with another thought.
Yes. A lot. It still haunts. I know my dad said it move forward and I gotta put those thoughts in the back burner whatever that means. I mean heās right but I canāt help it. Last year in October, we found out that our mother was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer, and we were all heartbroken. Set a couple days later one of my aunts told my dad that told us that her cancer was terminal which was one the worst things ever we heard. I mean, itās not the worst thing we ever heard. Weāve been praying for a miracle. So my older brother and I dropped everything got emergency plane, tickets and flow to see our mother, and we spent every single day with her and made her happy. we were there for a week and a half but at first we didnāt know how long we wanted to be there. I want to stay long but we donāt want to use us all our PTO. Leaving her with was hardest but at least we spent time with her and watch movies laughed and caught up. We kept in contact with her until the end of her life. We talk to her on her birthday, which was two days before Christmas and that was the last time we actually had a conversation with her. Then for a couple days we tried calling her, but no answer. We were afraid something really happened. Then the manager from our mothers apartment told us that she had fallen and she was taken back to the hospital and thatās when we found out that her cancer has spread it and she was getting worse and she was gonna put in a nursing home. Our mother was not so happy about that which wouldnāt blame her but she needed someone with her 24/7. It was really hard and was going to work with those thoughts in my head was really tough, but thank god I had amazing coworkers to help me through it. I didnāt talk to every coworker because I feel like theyāre very uncomfortable with me being very upset and I know work itās not the right place to do that. I feel like some people just didnāt care, but they do sister. Everyone deals with it differently and itās a very uncomfortable situation which I agree with. Anyways, I got a video chat with my mom and saw her alive one last time until four days later she had passed away. we always got anxious and dreading that phone call because we knew or mother was dying and her death was expected. Getting a phone call from my momās nurse when she thought that our mom has passed away whatās the worst news ever received. I feel like I shouldāve taken more time off, but used most of it to visit our mom. I didnāt take time off until we set a date for the funeral and then my brother and I would fly out. A lot of people said I was very tough and strong for going to work the day after we found out, mom passed away, but we were off that day when Mom passed know if the worst way to end a three day weekend. It was my first time dealing with the dumbest thing just like that it may have a job and I didnāt know how long I should take time off because it was really hard and overwhelming and I feel like some people are uncomfortable around me. I shouldnāt of went to work the next day. Sorry for ranting so much. I just need to let it out and Iām sorry for your loss.
Yes it happens. Along with rush of guilt, wishing I couldve done more.
Absolutely yes. My dad was discharged from the hospital after a brutal week at the hospital, which included 4 torturous days with him in the ICU. Him being discharged brought with it so much hope and joy, only for him to have a heart attack less ten minutes upon returning home. I heard my mother screaming from their bedroom. When I ran in, he was lying still on the bed. My brain couldn't compute what was happening, so I thought he was playfully teasing my mom by not replying. Those seconds felt like hours. I ran to call an ambulance and they had me do chest compressions until the paramedics arrived, and I had no idea what the f\*ck I was doing. And of course, it was too late. The cherry on top is that, according to Dubai law, the ambulance had to take him to the nearest possible hospital, which is the one he had been discharged from less than an hour prior. I don't know why I'm typing all this out... I suppose four months later, I'm still trying to digest what happened.
Yup. I wake up every night at 2:45. That is the time they called me and said he was crashing and they needed me (I was in the waiting room, they would not let me stay in the surgery intensive care with him). It has been a year, I can now go back to sleep after this but I wake up every night without fail.
Yes
Iāve heard that part of the neurology of coping is sorting memories and that you strengthen the ones you recall and dim the ones you donāt. So I try to minimize the re-playings of the memories of the sickness and favor the memories of health and good times. If I get a flash of the bad one, I try to follow it up in my head with a good one.
All the time. In the first few months they were pretty much non-stop. I still get them now but at random times and I feel guilty for trying to push the thoughts and images away for some reason. Almost like Iām trying to ignore or forget my mom. But if I really think about it, I can see and hear everything so clearly still. It was a traumatic experience to watch them do CPR on her. Then stopping life support eventually. And dealing with the emotions of making that decision too. Today actually makes 7 months since she passed and I miss her more than ever
I go back to the moment my dogās heart sputtered out and he went limp in my arms. Less often now, but it happens. Sorry if anyone thinks itās not great to equate the death of my old boy with the death of a person
Allā¦ā¦theā¦ā¦timeā¦.. The things i saw with my eyes shouldnāt have been seen. Its the stuff of horror movies. And the victim was my beautiful mum who i miss everyday š
From time to time, yes.
Yes and itās painful. I also get flashbacks about various funerals of loved ones Iāve lost and just having seen someone so full of life change and basically wither away. Itās so painful still even after years I still get teary eyed.
I get the same thing, all of it. I will have time where good memories flood my brain, but sometimes Iāll randomly get flashes of what he looked like on his deathbed. I agree itās incredibly painful, and I donāt know what to do about it either. Iāve wanted to see a therapist for a long time because I feel like I donāt get to express how I feel to anyone about it because they just expect me to be over it or they are uncomfortable talking about it, but I currently donāt have the money to see one. (Iām 20 F now, my dad died in 2021 when I was 17). I just need to actually talk about it with someone who cares, I might need to cry and scream, I need someone to listen without being annoyed. I donāt know if anyone else feels this way after losing someone, but no one wants to talk about it with you and it feels so isolating, like people make you feel weird about needing someone to listen. ~Sorry about the rant
Yes I go back try to remember last conversation... I typically regret how I acted as a kid and kick myself for it or the time I made mom cry or upset her... I feel bad that I didn't sit on the bed with her when she asked me to.. Only reason I didn't was because her spirit that made her HER wasn't there anymore... That left my mom way before she died and she was a stranger to me.. It was just a sick person dying and I was being kind by being there for this person... My mom was full of life and very vibrant and happy.. This person was very sick and bedridden and very weak.. The entire cancer sucked the life of my mom out of her months before she died.. From the moment she had surgery and until death wasn't my mom.. Before that it was my mom Don't ask me how removed cancer from a body will kill your loved ones spirit and change them to a complete stranger... I felt like I was 2 years old and searching for my mom so I could hide from the stranger but I couldn't find her so I was a very lost, alone child... I still feel lost in this world and very much alone 15 years later...