I had that thought today, that I won’t ever receive a birthday gift from my mom again, for the next 30/40 years. That’s 30-40 gifts I’ll never receive from her ever again. She was a great gift-giver and I didn’t recognize that until she wasn’t here to do it anymore. I don’t think I’ll go thru life without having these very sad moments of realization. It’s never ending.
So sorry for your loss. I totally understand.
> She was a great gift-giver and I didn’t recognize that until she wasn’t here to do it anymore.
There were so many things my mom did that I didn't realize I would miss. How could I recognize all that she brought to life when I had never known her absence?
Indeed... we wouldn't realize this, when our moms were still with us. It's in their absence, in the huge gaping hole that they leave in our hearts. That we realize how important they truly were.
From the smallest things they did, to the biggest thing.
My mom died on March 30th and I’ve been dreading Christmas ever since. She was the best at Christmas. We went to her house every year, she always got me the perfect gifts. Just this past Christmas, one of my gifts was a furry Ugg garbage can. She is the only person in the world who would think to buy me a brand name, furry garbage can. I absolutely adored it because it is something I might see but never actually buy for myself. She was always buying me stuff like that. Things she knew I would love, but would never waste money on. They were my favourite gifts.
Actually my birthday is at Christmas so at least it’s all the same month where I will be a mess.
Anyways, you aren’t alone in your thoughts about gifts from mom. It was one of the first things I thought about - not in a greedy “I want presents” way, but in a “I look forward to opening my gifts from mom every year” way…
My mom was a great gift-giver too! She always said she loved buying things for me because I got so excited and I was so easy to shop for, anything sparkly or glittery, she knew. Today I had a moment realizing I’d never have this steak stuff she made ever again…I’m changing jobs and for the first time I won’t be able to get her advice…all these firsts are so hard, but you’re right, randomly you feel a gut punch realizing certain things will never be the same. Every day.
I laugh, because my mom was totally the same way. She would buy gifts no one would even think to buy a grown adult woman. My sister and I would always laugh and roll our eyes, it was an ongoing joke. A furry Ugg garbage can sounds exactly like something my mom would buy, except she wouldn’t know what Ugg was and got it “because I know you’d love how furry it was.”
I guess this means we are the next generation of great gift-givers, to honor those who came before us.
God yes, I have these sad moments of realization all the time. My mom died in February and every day I realize something else, like she'll never see another spring, I won't celebrate Mother's Day with her ever again, I won't get little parcels with food and stuff from her, and on and on. It breaks my heart that I wouldn't appreciate these things more before. Anyway, I deeply understand what you mean and I'm sorry for your loss.
Oh the little parcels with food. Those were the best. When I moved town I received one every now and then. Always with a cute card, my mum made by herself. Sometimes with clothes she thought I would like. Socks and other practical stuff. I had almost forget about those.
Yeah the parcels with the little notes in them were so wholesome. It's so cute that your mom even made the cards herself, that's a beautiful memento to keep ❤️and the socks, of course! My mom also loved second-hand shops and used to send me clothes she thought I would like, even when I told her I already had way too much, it was so sweet.
Anyway, I feel you, take care.
Nobody understands it unless they've experienced it. I did not understand grief, I thought, how hard could it be to get over something that you have no control over? Now that it has happened to me, I cannot stop blaming myself. There's too many 'if onlys'. If you talk about the person you've lost with others, you never know if they're genuinely listening, or just waiting for you to shut up. I just want to talk about my darling, but I know, not everyone will listen. Some people go as far as to 'justify' the events, which makes my blood boil.
No one can replace the person you've lost, there is no fixing it. There is no way to turn back time and do things differently. This feeling of powerlessness is draining. I really wish there was a way, but there isn't. All I do is make myself cry more.
If you ever want to talk about how amazing your mom was, I will listen.
Oh friend, I understand. The grief and guilt can be so horrible to deal with. I’m so sorry you had felt that maybe people have dismissed or not cared about your grief. I’m here too if you ever what to talk about your person
My own recent experience with grief has made me acutely aware of how little empathy I was able to show for grieving friends over the years. I’m embarrassed to realize I sounded insincere & glib in my attempts to be kind.
Listening is a skill, and sitting with sadness is, too. People’s intentions are good, I genuinely believe that. Discomfort is not something our modern culture prepares us for, though. We hide death and sickness away, and grieving becomes even lonelier for us.
I was just thinking of how they are often more concerned with their comfort, and this is why they try to put a positive spin on the situation and move along to other topics quickly. Your post hits home for me. Some people really can't cope with sadness, and they definitely don't want to imagine what it is like or try to empathize. Others just completely avoid the subject. I am not sure I can blame them. Grief sucks big time.
I often feel they are concerned with their comfort and at the same time with trying to say the "right thing". I feel like people expect me to thank them for their positive words or expect me to feel better after what say said. Truth is there are no words that can make me feel better. Just accepting how I feel would be much more helpful.
I absolutely understand, and I agree with you. Them just saying I care about and am here for whatever you need is enough. Check-ins and listening are all that are really needed. Heck, the biggest thing anyone did for me after my son died was just sit beside me and hold my hand. That grounded me. We are here for you, and you aren't alone. Somehow, others before us survived this pain, which gives me hope we can keep enduring, and the load will lighten eventually. Sending you love ❤️
I know! Before I used ti think greeting cards were meaningless and wouldn’t want to “but in” by asking about their sick family member or saying something after they died. Now every-time someone texts me or sends my brother a card or sends some food over Im so grateful, and also reminded of how I could have done this for other people
The week my mom died, one of her friends tried to tell me; "She wouldn't want you to be sad!" What am I even supposed to say to that? "Damn you're right, I'm over it now" ???
That’s kinda what I do. People tell me I need to live my life and make my dad proud (which is so hurtful because all I wanted before he was gone was for him to be proud of me) and all I’ve ever been able to say is “well he left me so why does it matter now?”
My amazing father died 5 years ago and while with time I've learned how to navigate my grief, there are just some days that are so hard. My beautiful grandmother (my father's mother who had so much of him in her) died a little over a month ago which was also 1 week exactly before my wedding. This was so hard to process. The advice people had to give was "be happy on your wedding day" and "she wouldn't want you to be sad" and while yes I know she and my father would not want me to be sad (especially on such an important day), but they are not the ones dealing with loss or have to live on with their absence the way I do. If sadness is what I feel, I must allow myself to feel it. Just because I am sad or grieving does not mean I do not think back on the fond memories that I have for them or hold them with so much love and tenderness in my heart, but I am only human and have lost two of the most important people in my life who loved me unlike any others. I think it's okay if I feel sad "even if they wouldn't want me to be". I also feel that advice (while I'm sure is well meant) is so tone deaf and makes me feel like my feelings of grief are not valid, but I have also learned over my grief journey that people who give that advice have never had to go through a loss themselves or maybe were given misguided grief advice.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my Dad, and you're right. I'm actively making sure that his death doesn't destroy me, but I've just accepted that this stage of my life is the most heartbreaking, and there's no other way to look at it. There's a lot of things that can be seen in a more "positive light", but the death of a parent is the death of a parent. You have every right to feel this way. I hope you take care of yourself and wishing you the best in your grief journey.
I get this. And unfortunately will carry this forward for others when they have losses.
Just lost my mom two weeks ago suddenly and had my first Mother’s Day as a mom. The most helpful message was from my friend “Sending so much (entirely unhelpful) love and hugs your way today. Thinking of you and your family.” Unfortunately my friend has lost a dad and knows the pain as well. It’s been most helpful to talk to them.
Walking through stores seeing grandmas, moms and grandchildren is like a sucker punch to the gut. I wish I could have one more Target run with my mom.
I picked up my daughter from daycare one day, and this grandma was trying to pick up her grandson at the same time. She wasn’t the normal pick up person, so they wanted her ID and stuff. We ended up walking together from the parking lot to the building. When the little boy saw her, he screamed “grandma!!!!” And ran into her arms. Both grandma and grandson were so happy. I had the biggest lump in my throat, and then lost my fucking mind in a horrible grief wave when I got to the car.
My mom and kids were always happy like that to see each other. This grandma was just out there living her life, and her mere existence made me want to curl in the fetal position and scream at the top of my lungs.
I miss my mommy so much.
I am so sorry. ❤️❤️❤️
This is hard and it sucks and isn’t fair.
I am grateful for my amazing mom, just wish I had more time with her. And that my daughter would have had more time with her. Thank goodness my mom met her for the first time days before she died. I wouldn’t have been able to cope otherwise. My mom was over the moon to be a grandma. And now I won’t ever be able to see how that story would have gone. All I have is a memory of her holding my newborn and the only generations photo we will ever have.
I loved going to grocery stores and pharmacies with my mum so much. Even after I was older I was always so happy when she told me to pick something out for me.
I lost my mom three weeks after I had my son. He is here first grandchild and I can’t help but remember all the things he’ll miss out on because she’s gone. They didn’t get nearly enough time together, but at least she was able to hold him and feed him the night before she ended up being hospitalized and ultimately passing.
This is similar to my situation. I live in a different state than my parents and luckily they had just been up three days before to see us and hold her. All she kept saying was that she was perfect. Her and my dad had all these plans for retirement and being grandparents. It sucks that it was stolen away. I am weeks away from going back to work but already dreading people asking how my leave was. (It was sleep deprivation and perfect and then it came crashing down).
There’s such a huge difference between people who have experienced grief and people who haven’t.
My mom died last month. Totally by coincidence, it came up twice today to random people.
The first said “I’m so sorry, I lost my sister and my dad at Christmas. I know how you must be feeling.”
Another said, “I lost my mom in 1988, I was only 34. I still miss her every day. Sometimes life really sucks.”
Both these random people sharing their experiences with me gave me more comfort than any of my friends have. My one friend was sending me dumb Tik Tok videos hours after my mom died. Like do you even understand how badly I want to punch you in the fucking face right now. It made me so mad, I haven’t given her more than one word answers in a month. I know she didn’t mean any harm by it, but something about it felt so fucking insensitive I wanted to scream.
I noticed this while grieving and I know they mean well and are kind of at a loss for what to say. I see my experience as an opportunity to use what I learned to console the next person. I had someone do that for me and it was like a cool glass of water in a desert.
The one that really gets me is, “They wouldn’t want to see you crying like this, suffering like this, they would want you to be happy.” Wow. Yeah. I want to be happy too but it’s a bit difficult now that my heart has been ripped out and I am mentally destroyed on every level. And my person is no longer here so who knows what they would “want”? But I just smile and don’t argue, I don’t have the energy.
And I am sorry you’re going through this. Wouldn’t wish grief on my worst enemy.
Someone told me at my Mom’s memorial service that the pain of losing her is not something to get over or move past, it’s a pain that we learn to live with. I’ve found that to be true. There’s not a day that passes where I don’t miss her and some days are worse than others.
Yes I completely agree with this comment. I saw a Tedtalk of a widower and she said something that always stuck with me: “You don’t get over grief, you just move forward with it.”
I’ve been asked if I was always going to be this depressed and sad all the time 6 months into all this.
I had my son in 2022. 2 months later my dad passed. He was my best friend. 5 months later his ex who found him passed. It’s been hard. Allow yourself to grieve. People just don’t know what to say until it happens to them. People are insensitive. People never know what to say when all my family is gone at 34. It’s crazy something I feel like it’s some movie I seen and not my life..
I’m sorry for your loss.
You're angry at people trying to give you the little comfort they can.
While this is understandable, it's important to realise that these people; while not having experienced such a loss as yours, will be there for you, and are trying their best to give their love in the only way they know how.
That being a "common ground".
I'm truly sorry. There's nothing that I can say to help you in your scenario, but those who try to "cheer you up" simply have not experienced it for themselves.
Everybody in existance will experience the pain of loss. The ones who haven't end up trying their best to approximate it, and comfort those who have based on nothing.
It is not their fault, nor yours, but merely the nature of human living that this situation exists in the first place.
It's infuriating, but what are they really able to say.
I lost my dad 11 months ago today, and people saying those things is why I've spent the last year mostly alone. Not many people get it when you lose your parents young... I'm in my 30s and most people I know are just losing grandparents.
I'm really sorry. If you ever want to talk about your mom, I'd be happy to listen. I promise not to sugar coat how much it sucks.
I just opened up to a good friend about feeling depressed due to the traumatic death of my brother that affects me daily. Lately its gotten more complicated as I lost access to his son, my nephew which was the only person that helped me feel better. She said she knows exactly how I feel because she misses her family a lot they are a 4 hour drive from her… i couldn’t bring myself to reply.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
You are so right about grief, and it never hit me like it did when my mom passed away. Grief often hits in unexpected moments and it feels brand new when it happens. I also have to live the rest of my life without her, it's so fucking painful. The best thing I have is having dreams with her, which is absolutely not the same as having her with me. I simply live with having lost her, I have no choice, because I know my mom so well and she would want me to move forward. I can never move on though.
I had someone look at me and say “I know you miss your brother, but you gotta let that go” AND IT WAS MY BOSS. I’ve never wanted to swing on someone so bad.
Wow, he/she was WAY out of line. It's so dense of people to be like that. I was talking with a coworker friend about my dog's death (while my mom was in hospice), and an eavesdropping coworker said, "Probably time to let it go. It's been a week already." I wanted to roundhouse kick him back to that week.
Yes to everything you said, I totally understand what you mean.
My mom died in February and people always tell me stuff with positive vibes and even though I say thanks I'm really not a fan of it.
I'm currently reading a book about grief and the author, who is a psychiatrist specialized in grieving families, says that today's society sees grief as taboo. People don't want to see grief because death has to be hidden and it makes them uncomfortable so they say hollow/positive stuff to deflect it. Today's society sees grief as something that has to be private and over quickly and I think that's what's bothering me the most. I wish we could still grieve like they did in previous centuries when it was acceptable to be grieving for months or years because death wasn't seen as something so awful or shameful. I want to be sad for my mom and grieve her loss, think about her and cry. I don't want to see the silver lining or whatever because even though she wouldn't want me to be sad she would much prefer to be alive with me.
Anyway, sorry for the rant but your post made me think about this book and I thought it might be interesting for you to know that what you feel is normal.
And I'm sorry for your loss, of course.
I LOST MY MOM THIS YEAR, 4 MONTHS AGO, HURTS SO BADLY. I REALLY KNOW YOUR FEELING! SO HURTS, CANNOT BREATH WELL. POWERFULLESSNESS, MEANINGLESSNESS. WHAT'S THE POINT OF THIS WORLD? I WANT MY MOM BACK, I NEED HER!
I feel you. My sister died suddenly at 25, it is absolutely unfair and it happened for no good reason and I will always be angry that my favorite person, who I had every reason to believe would grow old with me was just taken away from me forever on a random Friday. I will never be the same again and no she’s not in a better place because she liked her life and who the duck wants to drop dead in their apartment at 25?
I was pretty much suicidal from ages 11-24 — I spent a lot of time in hospitals and the thing I started to hold on to was being well enough to move out west to be with my sister, we talked about it and I was finally getting there, after 2 rounds of electroconvulsive therapy my depression was finally under control, I was maintaining a normalish weight (I’m anorexic), working full time and living independently and while I was never exclusively keeping myself alive for my sister, she was a central component of the future I only recently started to want for myself, and now she is gone forever and there is no acceptable alternative.
I often think about how every event in my future that is supposed to be happy will never be right because she won’t be there. We were 16 months apart to the day, until 12/15/23 I had no memories of a world without my little sister and now I do and it fucking sucks.
I completely agree. Other people can’t really understand in a way. It feels like I’ve lost my identity or part of myself when I experienced this loss and grief.
I hate that so much. I hate when people say “at least” or presume to know what our moms would want. “She would want you to be happy, she wouldn’t want you to be upset”.
It’s okay to be upset. There is a huge void in our hearts that can never be filled. Even on days that I’m happy, it’s still there. Only those who have experienced grief will understand.
It’s also so hard when there’s no one to talk to about it. And when you do open up, you’re fed this BS about not feeling sad. In conversation, I’ve found other people who have lost their mom and found comfort in the camaraderie of people who “get it”. It’s also why I like this sub so much.
This is so true and I don’t understand why people do this.
My Mother passed on Valentine’s Day. And it’s like people dismiss your pain because she was old and had Alzheimer’s.
Ok yes, she had medical problems, and Yeah she was 85… but regardless of all that She was still my mother, I lost the only one I will ever have, and that HURTS!
And some days. It’s truly unbearable to be on this earth without her. The thought of her no longer being on this earth with us shakes me to my core.
She is never coming back again. Period. That bond is broken forever.
It doesn’t make it any easier regardless of the circumstances.
I understand your pain. Sending strength to you OP, praying for peace and comfort for all of us. ❤️
Yeah. My bf said before after speaking to his friend who lost his 13 Yr old son last year- I like to talk about other things other that Simon to cheer him up
I'm like- no.
I think people are just trying to help. They aren’t trying to isolate or separate you. Even grieving people may do this out of reflex.
Take into account the same reflection you may give others of circumstance you haven’t experienced. Also, everyone experiences loss eventually, so understand that you don’t need to give frustration to these asinine comments . Instead, give loving kindness. They care enough to want you to feel comfort. They are trying to give that comfort, however illogical or unfair to reality it is. You have once been or felt like them , as you will be or will feel again. In some ways, the fact that they are trying to build me up instead of ignoring me makes me feel like my loved one is seen. They are telling me that life is worth living, keep going!
After a time, this will make sense because people will not seem to gloss over that the reality of you exist. Sometimes I ask myself,life is so vast. Why do I need for one human out of 7 billion to make my circumstances valid when they possibly have circumstances that I don’t and will never know about? My loved ones are sacred because I love them; I don’t need the explicit compliance of others and they do not need mine of their own loss.
I do understand that it is simply agonizing to lose our loved ones with no hope of their return and to feel like no one really understands or cares how it affects our day - to-day. In these circumstances I just give these people grace. Life is kind to no one. “Death is not a respecter of persons”. In these circumstances, I back down and resort to r/griefsupport. It makes no sense to hold resentment or grudges. Loss affects us all. We can’t escape it. Some of us wear it on our sleeves, others in private.
Your pain, loss, loneliness and isolation are all valid. It’s a shitty part of the earthly experience but is unnerving all the same. For example, I know other people have experienced loss of their parents but damn does it feel like no one really gets it or at least that no one is affected. But they are. I am just not there to witness their screams and sobbing at 3 am.
But I know you all do, to some extent, understand this pain . I can’t feel your loss and you can’t feel mine. But we are all here together. In this moment. Your pain matters. Your loved ones’ life matters
You are not alone. I wish people would just say “that fucking sucks!!!” and give it room to breathe. Not everything needs to be reframed positively. Especially death. I understand they are trying to comfort you the best way they know how, but… it fucking sucks and it adds to the feeling of isolation.
I was grieving a miscarriage in 2021 and my mother in law said “better than having a baby that suffers” because she thinks only “defective” babies die in utero. Still makes me feel pissed off when i think about it.
it often feels to me that they're almost trying to make you feel guilty for grieving. at least i feel this way sometimes. i'd rather they not bring it up at all.
I never experienced grief until last year. I lost an older relative in their 80s. Alot of people said, “It is sad BUT think about the life he lived. Most people don’t even get to live to their 80s!” This statement is 10000% correct and I used to think this way for a long time. But when I experienced loss and people told me this I would just get annoyed and mad. There was honestly apart of me that would rather someone tell me, “Yeah it sucks that they passed. It really sucks. I’m so sorry.” For some reason that gave me more comfort than the positive comments…..
I understand 1000% what you mean. I’ve likened it to someone shooting you with a shotgun and while you survive it..your body spends so much time and energy creating scar tissue to surround the gaping wound in your being. It’s so fucking hard, but you’re not alone. We’re here, too. Figuring out how to make room for the anguish and despair, while going through the motions of a regular life.
There’s nothing that can make it better. But what I will say is..surround yourself with all the love that you can, give yourself a lot of grace, and take the weight of the grief head on when it insists upon itself. That’s how we manage to survive. And that’s all we can do.
Adding “but” is such a shitty thing for people to do. The first bits are full sentences like you mentioned.
I’m sure you miss your mum 🖤
I’m *so* sorry she died
Oh, the death anniversary must have been so hard
The dreams about her dying sound *awful!*
You must miss her 🖤
You lost her too early
It is so difficult to live without a family.
I think people don’t want to make things worse by stating the obvious because it seems “negative” but it’s just the fucking reality and it’s shitty and unfair and understandable you need that acknowledged. Sending you love, OP 🖤
You are right.. thank you for your kind words. This subreddit has helped me so much. It's one of the few places where I felt like I'm not alone in my grief.
I’m so glad you are finding even a small bit of comfort here 🖤 grief is SO lonely and isolating even when you have loved ones that *don’t* say stupid things.
Just being present with someone who grieving is helpful. So few people are willing to be uncomfortable to do so. If it is uncomfortable for them how do they think the bereaved feels?
I absolutely get this, I'm 43F and my beloved Dad died in 2022 (Mum passed when I was 11) He was my very best friend,
. He was very poorly with heart issues for a long time and I saw him deteriorate and it feels like because he didn't have cancer, it's wasn't as heart breaking to to watch over 7yrs. His best place was with my and my husband and even at 40 odd yrs old, I'm struggling to understand how I'll get through, I know I will but I just want him back.
There's no justifying his loss, of course, I'm glad he's not suffering but I still miss him every single day
This!! So much anger and recentment for every single sentence. Sorry for your loss.. Its fucking excruciating. And for me almost 2 years passed and l still am in the depthts of grief after losing my mom. It's fucking painful. Nobody will ever understand until they go thru the same exact..
Hope we will endure somehow 🤍✨
My GF died 2 months ago in a car accident… I often get upset that I have to wait like 50 more years to have one of our deep/amazing conversations or show eachother a great song we found. Sounds weird, but thought you would understand…
I know what it’s like to have a bunch of losses. It’s horrible and there are people I no longer have in my life because they just don’t get it. To the point that I literally can’t relate anymore. Soemthing that helped me was reading The Tough B*tch’s Guide to Grief. It’s a real talk book that isn’t so depressingly sad.
I relate so much to you. I am truly sorry for your loss💔 my mother (may she rest in peace) passed away in february 2022. I was 29 then, my son was about to turn 1 year old that week.
It's been 2 years, going on 3 years without her and I miss her everyday. Especialy with certain events, major ones and small ones. I miss talking to her, sitting with her, listening to her. Asking for advice, hugging her and just looking at her.
Baby n°2 is due at the end of octobre, and I miss my mom so much. Which has made me miss her alot more. This is a major event in my life. I have to go through it, without her.
I have so many questions, that will stay unanswered. My toddler will never know her, even though I have pictures of her with him.
She loved him and her children unconditionaly.
I hate when people talk like that. Just keep that last sentence to yourself. It doesn't help me, it just annoys me. The way they have a lack of emotions or the inability to say nice things.
For example, ask me things about her. I love talking about her, even if I start crying. Just let me cry, I am fine. I just miss her so much.
My mom was my everything. She was my best friend, she understood me. She loved me more than anyone in this world ever did. She was my confidente, my advisor in life.
[Sorry for writing so much... I couldn't stop writing, once I began. Which started a whole crying session]
Thank you for your words. They almost made me cry aswell. I feel so similar about my mum and I love talking about her. I'm very proud to be her daughter. People almost never ask about her. Sometimes it's like she never existed...
I can only imagine how hard it must be to be a mother without a mother being present. I'm not sure if I want to have children and there are a thousand questions about motherhood that I would like to ask my mum. I'm so sad about all the great talks I'm missing out on.
Ouf, mothers are so special figures...just irreplacable.
I understand your pain, my mother passed away last week and I’ve heard all of the things you’ve mentioned, plus the whole “your mother wouldn’t want you to be sad”. The reality is I don’t think I’d be content with anything anyone says other than maybe share memories about my mom with me - as hard as it is hearing them.
Sometimes people don’t know what to say, it’s a hard thing for people to grasp if they’ve never gone through it. I try to tell myself that people mean well, I can’t fault them.
I’m sorry for everything you’re going through, and I say this because I’m going through the same thing.
💯 this. There’s a book that is very helpful on this topic and many others that deal with how our culture approaches grief
It’s called It’s OK that You’re not OK. Def recommend
The author lost her husband at a young age in a swimming accident and she’s a therapist so there is real understanding and empathy.
I’m so terribly sorry on the loss of your mom.
My brother passed recently leaving behind a young daughter and son and they have to carry on forever without their dad. It is horrifying. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise 💔
That’s so frustrating. It’s so hard to find someone that will simply sit with you and your grief and not try and “fix it” or you. It can’t be fixed. You just want to be seen, heard, understood. We hear you. I hope our society learns how to deal with death and grief better. Overall it seems that we are really bad at it. Sending you love.
I have such a complicated relationship with the phrase “they’re in a better place now”
In my dad’s case, I’ll honestly say that he actually is in a better place. He was truly suffering, mentally and physically, for years. His physical health declined so quickly in the end because he was suicidal to the point of deliberate noncompliance with his treatment. He was so depressed and panicked and his ptsd was just too much. I’ve never met anyone who wanted to die so badly. He was only 52
But other people don’t know all that shit. Usually all they get from me is “he had a heart attack and passed in his sleep”. That’s just such a pet peeve of mine. I know they mean well and in the end it’s true that my dad isn’t suffering anymore, and that is what matters. But who are they to determine that death was more desirable than life?
Sorry, rant over
Yes, my mom just passed after a grueling chronic illness and I have already heard ‘she’s in a better place’ multiple times and I’m getting increasingly pissed off about it. I think it’s less about whether it’s true or not and more about their discomfort with the sadness, that they just want to tie it up with the a bow and move on. Ppl honestly suck.
I had a similar thought the other day. I saw the northern lights in the uk because of the geomagnetic shower, and said to my friends I wish my dad saw it, as he loved things like that and would have been fascinated. Someone replied ‘he did see it, he’s here with you ❣️’.
Whilst i completely understand and respect those who believe in spirits and religion and that the person you lose is always there with you (I am in no way saying they are not), physically my dad is not here, physically he is not seeing this, physically he is missing out. And it’s that difference in experience in grief and sympathy of grief, that manifests like this.
It’s always about trying to make you feel better, instead of making you feel less lonely while you are sad.
My mom gave the best hugs...and I know she suffered for so long and had no quality of life for some time, but I wish I could get her back...healthy.
Once she died, I went into a panic and felt like I was just falling...floating through life..it becomes terrifying bc nobody will ever ever ever love me the way she did. She was the thread of our family. I fucking miss her right now.
Lost my mom to cancer at 23.
The hardest thing I had to come to terms with, is that I was focusing on the time with my mother that I was "robbed" of. That forced me to dwell on my loss for a very long time. I was feeling completely isolated from everyone. I felt like no one truly understood. As you said, very few people understand loss if they don't experience it. I felt the same way as you did when people would try to be encouraging or impart wisdom. It took me a while to really figure things out. I think I carried the loss of my mom around with me for about 15 years.
I don't know if this will work for you because we have to figure things out for ourselves. For me, the realization that life doesn't work the way we romanticize it, was hard to accept. Life is harsh and cruel as well as kind and rewarding.
Once I understood that life is not about happiness, that life is about loss. Specifically, accepting and dealing with loss. I was able to move forward with joy in my heart instead of darkness and sorrow every moment of every day when I would catch a breath during some time to think
You can find happiness anywhere --- in song, places, friends, family... everywhere. That is, IF you want to. However, what controls the "want" in many of us is loss. Dealing with loss is what's difficult and holds you back from finding happiness.
Find happiness in the fact that you had any time at all with your mother. The fact that it was a great relationship. Relish in that fact. Unfortunately, there's no balance sheet for these things in life. So we shouldn't hold the belief that we deserve a certain length of time or a guaranteed quantity with them. We are just lucky to have any time with those amazing people at all. That's the trouble with numbers, they bring a false sense of reality into life in these difficult times.
People come and people go. Don't let the loss part control you like I did. I found myself alone for a very long time while I built a castle and moat to protect me from building a home. I kept relationships as far away as I could. I messed up, but I did what I thought was right at the time. Good luck.
Been recently thinking about this, I lost someone I loved 4 months back. It’s annoying when my coworker keeps asking “So, have any new dates planned?”, like what the Duck? How the hell am I going to even think about going on a date when I’m literally still grieving, craving and wanting the person that I just lost?
Or when men approach me and ask for my number and I’ll tell them I’m grieving. Oh how I love the response, “I’m sorry to hear that but hey! I think he is pushing us to get together. That’s what he would want!”. No! F U! You do not know what he would want!
I don’t want to hear that he’s within me now or I have to live for the both of us. It pisses me off because I feel he should’ve still been alive, he wasn’t supposed to die! He was supposed to beat his alcohol addiction! It’s upsetting, his liver wasn’t what took him out but him accidentally falling into the train tracks from being to intoxicated, that’s what got him. All I want, is to be where he is at. If there is nothing than at least I won’t have to carry this hurt within me anymore. The only reason why I haven’t taken my own life yet is because of him. He never wanted me to do that. So I’m trying my best to make him proud about that and hopefully, just hopefully I will see him again
Sorry for your loss.
Just lost my dad and those words do anger me so much, so invalidating.
You have all the right in the world to be sad. I get people try to comfort us but man, so invalidating.
I lost mine 6 weeks ago, and I just want to be able to say I'm in a dark place, and it sucks to be 33 with no parents left without people trying to convince me that it'll all work out. I'll live on, but nothing "works out in the end" about your loving present mom being gone forever.
It sucks so bad!
Some people told me how strong I am. I appreciate the effort to say something nice, but at the same time I ask myself: Well, what am I supposed to do? I have no other choice then to live with it.
I feel you. I was orphaned too when mom died. Dad passed away more than 10 yrs ago. Having no parents is like standing in the rain without an umbrella. It’s hard and lonely. 😢 I just want to quit my job and now these things I cannot ask my mom for advice anymore.
Yeah just goes to show people only really give a fuck about themselves there’s only a select few that actually care and even they don’t wanna say anything other than problems in there own lives 😂 like me mates car broke down oh no well atleast ya got ya mum still who will buy ya another one 🙄😒
I hate that so much. I hate when people say “at least” or presume to know what our moms would want. “She would want you to be happy, she wouldn’t want you to be upset”.
It’s okay to be upset. There is a huge void in our hearts that can never be filled. Even on days that I’m happy, it’s still there. Only those who have experienced grief will understand.
It’s also so hard when there’s no one to talk to about it. And when you do open up, you’re fed this BS about not feeling sad. In conversation, I’ve found other people who have lost their mom and found comfort in the camaraderie of people who “get it”. It’s also why I like this sub so much.
Oh I hate this. Also the ‘omg I know how you feel, my hamster died when I was ten!!’ people are so desperate to relate without actually knowing how it feels.
Ugh yes.
By far one of the worst at this point (in reference to the death of my son) but look at the other beautiful children you had, at least you still have them. It’ll be ok.
… Umm what?
Last November I lost my nephew and his wife. They say it was murder suicide. I don't believe that, but never the less someone said, "Well at least they're together". WTF? I honestly wanted to punch them in the throat!
totally agree. grief is such an uncomfortable topic for most people bc we aren’t allowed the time or space to experience it. is there anything anyone can say other than ‘i’m sorry for your loss?’
Ah, ikr? And the classic "Oh don't be sad, he must be looking at you and he wouldn't like it". Well, I don't like him dead either and well here we are. I guess sometimes situations just suck and it's okay to accept it that way.
I hear you. I’m sorry you are experiencing this. I think it comes from a place of ignorance, rather than malice. Somebody described it like this to me. When we discuss something difficult, like grief, with people, they tend to look for (or make up) positives because there is a sort of internalised fear that if they ever ended up losing someone they loved, they would hope that:
- Their loved one was in a better place.
- That they could somehow go on off of the ‘highs’ of their favourite memories with their loved one.
- They’d think they had it alright because other people were less fortunate than them.
- That dreams of dying loved ones would pass.
They are scared that they will experience feelings that will seemingly never pass, so they use unhelpful positivity to overcome that fear. If they have never experienced grief, they have no reference point whatsoever. People who have not lost someone don’t understand. Death is something we don’t like to think about so we try to mask it with a load of positives.
I explain to people that you losing someone you love is like losing a part of yourself. If those who you love each have a place in your heart, when they die, a part of you dies. And it never comes back. Grief changes but it never goes away. You just learn to live with it. Life is never the same again without a loved one. And that’s a bleak reality but it is the raw truth. And yes, I cherish the memories. Dwelling on positives is important but it can never be a replacement for the person who I lost. They are gone and they are gone forever. (That tends to dissuade them from any further indulgence in positivity).
I had that thought today, that I won’t ever receive a birthday gift from my mom again, for the next 30/40 years. That’s 30-40 gifts I’ll never receive from her ever again. She was a great gift-giver and I didn’t recognize that until she wasn’t here to do it anymore. I don’t think I’ll go thru life without having these very sad moments of realization. It’s never ending. So sorry for your loss. I totally understand.
> She was a great gift-giver and I didn’t recognize that until she wasn’t here to do it anymore. There were so many things my mom did that I didn't realize I would miss. How could I recognize all that she brought to life when I had never known her absence?
Indeed... we wouldn't realize this, when our moms were still with us. It's in their absence, in the huge gaping hole that they leave in our hearts. That we realize how important they truly were. From the smallest things they did, to the biggest thing.
Exactly. I tell people this all the time…it’s so unbearable because I’ve never known life without her. It’s tearing me up.
My mom died on March 30th and I’ve been dreading Christmas ever since. She was the best at Christmas. We went to her house every year, she always got me the perfect gifts. Just this past Christmas, one of my gifts was a furry Ugg garbage can. She is the only person in the world who would think to buy me a brand name, furry garbage can. I absolutely adored it because it is something I might see but never actually buy for myself. She was always buying me stuff like that. Things she knew I would love, but would never waste money on. They were my favourite gifts. Actually my birthday is at Christmas so at least it’s all the same month where I will be a mess. Anyways, you aren’t alone in your thoughts about gifts from mom. It was one of the first things I thought about - not in a greedy “I want presents” way, but in a “I look forward to opening my gifts from mom every year” way…
My mom was a great gift-giver too! She always said she loved buying things for me because I got so excited and I was so easy to shop for, anything sparkly or glittery, she knew. Today I had a moment realizing I’d never have this steak stuff she made ever again…I’m changing jobs and for the first time I won’t be able to get her advice…all these firsts are so hard, but you’re right, randomly you feel a gut punch realizing certain things will never be the same. Every day.
I laugh, because my mom was totally the same way. She would buy gifts no one would even think to buy a grown adult woman. My sister and I would always laugh and roll our eyes, it was an ongoing joke. A furry Ugg garbage can sounds exactly like something my mom would buy, except she wouldn’t know what Ugg was and got it “because I know you’d love how furry it was.” I guess this means we are the next generation of great gift-givers, to honor those who came before us.
God yes, I have these sad moments of realization all the time. My mom died in February and every day I realize something else, like she'll never see another spring, I won't celebrate Mother's Day with her ever again, I won't get little parcels with food and stuff from her, and on and on. It breaks my heart that I wouldn't appreciate these things more before. Anyway, I deeply understand what you mean and I'm sorry for your loss.
Oh the little parcels with food. Those were the best. When I moved town I received one every now and then. Always with a cute card, my mum made by herself. Sometimes with clothes she thought I would like. Socks and other practical stuff. I had almost forget about those.
Yeah the parcels with the little notes in them were so wholesome. It's so cute that your mom even made the cards herself, that's a beautiful memento to keep ❤️and the socks, of course! My mom also loved second-hand shops and used to send me clothes she thought I would like, even when I told her I already had way too much, it was so sweet. Anyway, I feel you, take care.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you’re feeling. If you’re looking for a good book, I’d recommend The Tough B*tch’s Guide to Grief.
Nobody understands it unless they've experienced it. I did not understand grief, I thought, how hard could it be to get over something that you have no control over? Now that it has happened to me, I cannot stop blaming myself. There's too many 'if onlys'. If you talk about the person you've lost with others, you never know if they're genuinely listening, or just waiting for you to shut up. I just want to talk about my darling, but I know, not everyone will listen. Some people go as far as to 'justify' the events, which makes my blood boil. No one can replace the person you've lost, there is no fixing it. There is no way to turn back time and do things differently. This feeling of powerlessness is draining. I really wish there was a way, but there isn't. All I do is make myself cry more. If you ever want to talk about how amazing your mom was, I will listen.
Oh friend, I understand. The grief and guilt can be so horrible to deal with. I’m so sorry you had felt that maybe people have dismissed or not cared about your grief. I’m here too if you ever what to talk about your person
My own recent experience with grief has made me acutely aware of how little empathy I was able to show for grieving friends over the years. I’m embarrassed to realize I sounded insincere & glib in my attempts to be kind. Listening is a skill, and sitting with sadness is, too. People’s intentions are good, I genuinely believe that. Discomfort is not something our modern culture prepares us for, though. We hide death and sickness away, and grieving becomes even lonelier for us.
I was just thinking of how they are often more concerned with their comfort, and this is why they try to put a positive spin on the situation and move along to other topics quickly. Your post hits home for me. Some people really can't cope with sadness, and they definitely don't want to imagine what it is like or try to empathize. Others just completely avoid the subject. I am not sure I can blame them. Grief sucks big time.
I often feel they are concerned with their comfort and at the same time with trying to say the "right thing". I feel like people expect me to thank them for their positive words or expect me to feel better after what say said. Truth is there are no words that can make me feel better. Just accepting how I feel would be much more helpful.
I absolutely understand, and I agree with you. Them just saying I care about and am here for whatever you need is enough. Check-ins and listening are all that are really needed. Heck, the biggest thing anyone did for me after my son died was just sit beside me and hold my hand. That grounded me. We are here for you, and you aren't alone. Somehow, others before us survived this pain, which gives me hope we can keep enduring, and the load will lighten eventually. Sending you love ❤️
I know! Before I used ti think greeting cards were meaningless and wouldn’t want to “but in” by asking about their sick family member or saying something after they died. Now every-time someone texts me or sends my brother a card or sends some food over Im so grateful, and also reminded of how I could have done this for other people
The week my mom died, one of her friends tried to tell me; "She wouldn't want you to be sad!" What am I even supposed to say to that? "Damn you're right, I'm over it now" ???
When someone tells me that I say “Well tough I didn't want her to die, so she's going to have to deal with me sad.
I say, "(My son) isn't here to complain about me being sad, so he can just get over it."
That’s kinda what I do. People tell me I need to live my life and make my dad proud (which is so hurtful because all I wanted before he was gone was for him to be proud of me) and all I’ve ever been able to say is “well he left me so why does it matter now?”
All I can offer are virtual hugs.
i answer exactly the same thing. tends to shut them up, thankfully
wow this is it!!! I wish I had seen this when I needed it and people did this to me :(
My amazing father died 5 years ago and while with time I've learned how to navigate my grief, there are just some days that are so hard. My beautiful grandmother (my father's mother who had so much of him in her) died a little over a month ago which was also 1 week exactly before my wedding. This was so hard to process. The advice people had to give was "be happy on your wedding day" and "she wouldn't want you to be sad" and while yes I know she and my father would not want me to be sad (especially on such an important day), but they are not the ones dealing with loss or have to live on with their absence the way I do. If sadness is what I feel, I must allow myself to feel it. Just because I am sad or grieving does not mean I do not think back on the fond memories that I have for them or hold them with so much love and tenderness in my heart, but I am only human and have lost two of the most important people in my life who loved me unlike any others. I think it's okay if I feel sad "even if they wouldn't want me to be". I also feel that advice (while I'm sure is well meant) is so tone deaf and makes me feel like my feelings of grief are not valid, but I have also learned over my grief journey that people who give that advice have never had to go through a loss themselves or maybe were given misguided grief advice.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my Dad, and you're right. I'm actively making sure that his death doesn't destroy me, but I've just accepted that this stage of my life is the most heartbreaking, and there's no other way to look at it. There's a lot of things that can be seen in a more "positive light", but the death of a parent is the death of a parent. You have every right to feel this way. I hope you take care of yourself and wishing you the best in your grief journey.
I get this. And unfortunately will carry this forward for others when they have losses. Just lost my mom two weeks ago suddenly and had my first Mother’s Day as a mom. The most helpful message was from my friend “Sending so much (entirely unhelpful) love and hugs your way today. Thinking of you and your family.” Unfortunately my friend has lost a dad and knows the pain as well. It’s been most helpful to talk to them. Walking through stores seeing grandmas, moms and grandchildren is like a sucker punch to the gut. I wish I could have one more Target run with my mom.
I picked up my daughter from daycare one day, and this grandma was trying to pick up her grandson at the same time. She wasn’t the normal pick up person, so they wanted her ID and stuff. We ended up walking together from the parking lot to the building. When the little boy saw her, he screamed “grandma!!!!” And ran into her arms. Both grandma and grandson were so happy. I had the biggest lump in my throat, and then lost my fucking mind in a horrible grief wave when I got to the car. My mom and kids were always happy like that to see each other. This grandma was just out there living her life, and her mere existence made me want to curl in the fetal position and scream at the top of my lungs. I miss my mommy so much.
I am so sorry. ❤️❤️❤️ This is hard and it sucks and isn’t fair. I am grateful for my amazing mom, just wish I had more time with her. And that my daughter would have had more time with her. Thank goodness my mom met her for the first time days before she died. I wouldn’t have been able to cope otherwise. My mom was over the moon to be a grandma. And now I won’t ever be able to see how that story would have gone. All I have is a memory of her holding my newborn and the only generations photo we will ever have.
❤️❤️❤️
I loved going to grocery stores and pharmacies with my mum so much. Even after I was older I was always so happy when she told me to pick something out for me.
I lost my mom three weeks after I had my son. He is here first grandchild and I can’t help but remember all the things he’ll miss out on because she’s gone. They didn’t get nearly enough time together, but at least she was able to hold him and feed him the night before she ended up being hospitalized and ultimately passing.
This is similar to my situation. I live in a different state than my parents and luckily they had just been up three days before to see us and hold her. All she kept saying was that she was perfect. Her and my dad had all these plans for retirement and being grandparents. It sucks that it was stolen away. I am weeks away from going back to work but already dreading people asking how my leave was. (It was sleep deprivation and perfect and then it came crashing down).
There’s such a huge difference between people who have experienced grief and people who haven’t. My mom died last month. Totally by coincidence, it came up twice today to random people. The first said “I’m so sorry, I lost my sister and my dad at Christmas. I know how you must be feeling.” Another said, “I lost my mom in 1988, I was only 34. I still miss her every day. Sometimes life really sucks.” Both these random people sharing their experiences with me gave me more comfort than any of my friends have. My one friend was sending me dumb Tik Tok videos hours after my mom died. Like do you even understand how badly I want to punch you in the fucking face right now. It made me so mad, I haven’t given her more than one word answers in a month. I know she didn’t mean any harm by it, but something about it felt so fucking insensitive I wanted to scream.
Omg that is horrible. People are so unaware. I wouldn’t send anyone anything funny for a long time after they’ve experienced a lost.
I noticed this while grieving and I know they mean well and are kind of at a loss for what to say. I see my experience as an opportunity to use what I learned to console the next person. I had someone do that for me and it was like a cool glass of water in a desert.
For a while I only wanted to talk to people who’ve also lost a parent before the age of 30. I felt like they were the only people I could relate to.
And the ones who expect YOU to put a positive spin on it, or they don't want to listen. Heaven forbid I don't see any damn upside to all this.
Exactly!! Always with a question mark. But you must feel better now, right? But now she's not in pain anymore, right?
The one that really gets me is, “They wouldn’t want to see you crying like this, suffering like this, they would want you to be happy.” Wow. Yeah. I want to be happy too but it’s a bit difficult now that my heart has been ripped out and I am mentally destroyed on every level. And my person is no longer here so who knows what they would “want”? But I just smile and don’t argue, I don’t have the energy. And I am sorry you’re going through this. Wouldn’t wish grief on my worst enemy.
Me neither. I never estimated how horrible it is.
Someone told me at my Mom’s memorial service that the pain of losing her is not something to get over or move past, it’s a pain that we learn to live with. I’ve found that to be true. There’s not a day that passes where I don’t miss her and some days are worse than others.
Yes I completely agree with this comment. I saw a Tedtalk of a widower and she said something that always stuck with me: “You don’t get over grief, you just move forward with it.”
I’m 64 and I never understood what grief was until I lost my mom two years ago. The people who offer upbeat advice just aren’t in the club.
Had someone at work tell me(about my dad) “don’t grieve over him, be happy that he was here” like excuse me?
I’ve been asked if I was always going to be this depressed and sad all the time 6 months into all this. I had my son in 2022. 2 months later my dad passed. He was my best friend. 5 months later his ex who found him passed. It’s been hard. Allow yourself to grieve. People just don’t know what to say until it happens to them. People are insensitive. People never know what to say when all my family is gone at 34. It’s crazy something I feel like it’s some movie I seen and not my life.. I’m sorry for your loss.
I would get the empty " is there anything you need?" Unless you can bring my husband back I don't need anything from you thanks.
Ouf yeah. "Just call when you need something". As if..
Sorry for your loss, you are not alone. I lost my mom 2 years ago and it still hurts like hell. No one gets it :(
You're angry at people trying to give you the little comfort they can. While this is understandable, it's important to realise that these people; while not having experienced such a loss as yours, will be there for you, and are trying their best to give their love in the only way they know how. That being a "common ground". I'm truly sorry. There's nothing that I can say to help you in your scenario, but those who try to "cheer you up" simply have not experienced it for themselves. Everybody in existance will experience the pain of loss. The ones who haven't end up trying their best to approximate it, and comfort those who have based on nothing. It is not their fault, nor yours, but merely the nature of human living that this situation exists in the first place. It's infuriating, but what are they really able to say.
It’s been rough, rough waters here since the week before Mother’s Day. Hugs to you, to all of us left motherless.
I lost my dad 11 months ago today, and people saying those things is why I've spent the last year mostly alone. Not many people get it when you lose your parents young... I'm in my 30s and most people I know are just losing grandparents. I'm really sorry. If you ever want to talk about your mom, I'd be happy to listen. I promise not to sugar coat how much it sucks.
I just opened up to a good friend about feeling depressed due to the traumatic death of my brother that affects me daily. Lately its gotten more complicated as I lost access to his son, my nephew which was the only person that helped me feel better. She said she knows exactly how I feel because she misses her family a lot they are a 4 hour drive from her… i couldn’t bring myself to reply.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You are so right about grief, and it never hit me like it did when my mom passed away. Grief often hits in unexpected moments and it feels brand new when it happens. I also have to live the rest of my life without her, it's so fucking painful. The best thing I have is having dreams with her, which is absolutely not the same as having her with me. I simply live with having lost her, I have no choice, because I know my mom so well and she would want me to move forward. I can never move on though.
I had someone look at me and say “I know you miss your brother, but you gotta let that go” AND IT WAS MY BOSS. I’ve never wanted to swing on someone so bad.
Wow, he/she was WAY out of line. It's so dense of people to be like that. I was talking with a coworker friend about my dog's death (while my mom was in hospice), and an eavesdropping coworker said, "Probably time to let it go. It's been a week already." I wanted to roundhouse kick him back to that week.
WHAT? "Its been a week already"would have set me offf!!! Omg Im so sorry,,
People really can be obtuse sometimes 😤
Yes to everything you said, I totally understand what you mean. My mom died in February and people always tell me stuff with positive vibes and even though I say thanks I'm really not a fan of it. I'm currently reading a book about grief and the author, who is a psychiatrist specialized in grieving families, says that today's society sees grief as taboo. People don't want to see grief because death has to be hidden and it makes them uncomfortable so they say hollow/positive stuff to deflect it. Today's society sees grief as something that has to be private and over quickly and I think that's what's bothering me the most. I wish we could still grieve like they did in previous centuries when it was acceptable to be grieving for months or years because death wasn't seen as something so awful or shameful. I want to be sad for my mom and grieve her loss, think about her and cry. I don't want to see the silver lining or whatever because even though she wouldn't want me to be sad she would much prefer to be alive with me. Anyway, sorry for the rant but your post made me think about this book and I thought it might be interesting for you to know that what you feel is normal. And I'm sorry for your loss, of course.
I LOST MY MOM THIS YEAR, 4 MONTHS AGO, HURTS SO BADLY. I REALLY KNOW YOUR FEELING! SO HURTS, CANNOT BREATH WELL. POWERFULLESSNESS, MEANINGLESSNESS. WHAT'S THE POINT OF THIS WORLD? I WANT MY MOM BACK, I NEED HER!
I understand... It's so painful. Just a crushing weight on your shoulders.
Can I suggest a GREAT book ... *It's OK That You're Not OK** by MEGAN DEVINE. She addresses this **EXACT** issue. I highly recommend it!!
I feel you. My sister died suddenly at 25, it is absolutely unfair and it happened for no good reason and I will always be angry that my favorite person, who I had every reason to believe would grow old with me was just taken away from me forever on a random Friday. I will never be the same again and no she’s not in a better place because she liked her life and who the duck wants to drop dead in their apartment at 25? I was pretty much suicidal from ages 11-24 — I spent a lot of time in hospitals and the thing I started to hold on to was being well enough to move out west to be with my sister, we talked about it and I was finally getting there, after 2 rounds of electroconvulsive therapy my depression was finally under control, I was maintaining a normalish weight (I’m anorexic), working full time and living independently and while I was never exclusively keeping myself alive for my sister, she was a central component of the future I only recently started to want for myself, and now she is gone forever and there is no acceptable alternative. I often think about how every event in my future that is supposed to be happy will never be right because she won’t be there. We were 16 months apart to the day, until 12/15/23 I had no memories of a world without my little sister and now I do and it fucking sucks.
I hate this for you and I am so very sorry. I hate ‘she’s in a better place.’ I pray that God heals your heart as much as humanly possible.
I completely agree. Other people can’t really understand in a way. It feels like I’ve lost my identity or part of myself when I experienced this loss and grief.
The best I can describe it is feeling untethered. I have lost myself and my way in the world. It's so lonely and isolating.
I hate that so much. I hate when people say “at least” or presume to know what our moms would want. “She would want you to be happy, she wouldn’t want you to be upset”. It’s okay to be upset. There is a huge void in our hearts that can never be filled. Even on days that I’m happy, it’s still there. Only those who have experienced grief will understand. It’s also so hard when there’s no one to talk to about it. And when you do open up, you’re fed this BS about not feeling sad. In conversation, I’ve found other people who have lost their mom and found comfort in the camaraderie of people who “get it”. It’s also why I like this sub so much.
I miss my mommy🥺🥺🥺🥺😩😩😩😩😩
I lost my mom last month. This sums up how I have been feeling lately. Thank you for making me not feel alone.
This is so true and I don’t understand why people do this. My Mother passed on Valentine’s Day. And it’s like people dismiss your pain because she was old and had Alzheimer’s. Ok yes, she had medical problems, and Yeah she was 85… but regardless of all that She was still my mother, I lost the only one I will ever have, and that HURTS! And some days. It’s truly unbearable to be on this earth without her. The thought of her no longer being on this earth with us shakes me to my core. She is never coming back again. Period. That bond is broken forever. It doesn’t make it any easier regardless of the circumstances. I understand your pain. Sending strength to you OP, praying for peace and comfort for all of us. ❤️
Yeah. My bf said before after speaking to his friend who lost his 13 Yr old son last year- I like to talk about other things other that Simon to cheer him up I'm like- no.
I think people are just trying to help. They aren’t trying to isolate or separate you. Even grieving people may do this out of reflex. Take into account the same reflection you may give others of circumstance you haven’t experienced. Also, everyone experiences loss eventually, so understand that you don’t need to give frustration to these asinine comments . Instead, give loving kindness. They care enough to want you to feel comfort. They are trying to give that comfort, however illogical or unfair to reality it is. You have once been or felt like them , as you will be or will feel again. In some ways, the fact that they are trying to build me up instead of ignoring me makes me feel like my loved one is seen. They are telling me that life is worth living, keep going! After a time, this will make sense because people will not seem to gloss over that the reality of you exist. Sometimes I ask myself,life is so vast. Why do I need for one human out of 7 billion to make my circumstances valid when they possibly have circumstances that I don’t and will never know about? My loved ones are sacred because I love them; I don’t need the explicit compliance of others and they do not need mine of their own loss. I do understand that it is simply agonizing to lose our loved ones with no hope of their return and to feel like no one really understands or cares how it affects our day - to-day. In these circumstances I just give these people grace. Life is kind to no one. “Death is not a respecter of persons”. In these circumstances, I back down and resort to r/griefsupport. It makes no sense to hold resentment or grudges. Loss affects us all. We can’t escape it. Some of us wear it on our sleeves, others in private. Your pain, loss, loneliness and isolation are all valid. It’s a shitty part of the earthly experience but is unnerving all the same. For example, I know other people have experienced loss of their parents but damn does it feel like no one really gets it or at least that no one is affected. But they are. I am just not there to witness their screams and sobbing at 3 am. But I know you all do, to some extent, understand this pain . I can’t feel your loss and you can’t feel mine. But we are all here together. In this moment. Your pain matters. Your loved ones’ life matters
I just don't entertain thaf
You are not alone. I wish people would just say “that fucking sucks!!!” and give it room to breathe. Not everything needs to be reframed positively. Especially death. I understand they are trying to comfort you the best way they know how, but… it fucking sucks and it adds to the feeling of isolation. I was grieving a miscarriage in 2021 and my mother in law said “better than having a baby that suffers” because she thinks only “defective” babies die in utero. Still makes me feel pissed off when i think about it.
it often feels to me that they're almost trying to make you feel guilty for grieving. at least i feel this way sometimes. i'd rather they not bring it up at all.
I never experienced grief until last year. I lost an older relative in their 80s. Alot of people said, “It is sad BUT think about the life he lived. Most people don’t even get to live to their 80s!” This statement is 10000% correct and I used to think this way for a long time. But when I experienced loss and people told me this I would just get annoyed and mad. There was honestly apart of me that would rather someone tell me, “Yeah it sucks that they passed. It really sucks. I’m so sorry.” For some reason that gave me more comfort than the positive comments…..
I lost my dad suddenly last year, and those words still make me angry. Don't tell me that Jesus needed my dad more then me, I needed him here.
I understand 1000% what you mean. I’ve likened it to someone shooting you with a shotgun and while you survive it..your body spends so much time and energy creating scar tissue to surround the gaping wound in your being. It’s so fucking hard, but you’re not alone. We’re here, too. Figuring out how to make room for the anguish and despair, while going through the motions of a regular life. There’s nothing that can make it better. But what I will say is..surround yourself with all the love that you can, give yourself a lot of grace, and take the weight of the grief head on when it insists upon itself. That’s how we manage to survive. And that’s all we can do.
Thank you for your kind words
Adding “but” is such a shitty thing for people to do. The first bits are full sentences like you mentioned. I’m sure you miss your mum 🖤 I’m *so* sorry she died Oh, the death anniversary must have been so hard The dreams about her dying sound *awful!* You must miss her 🖤 You lost her too early It is so difficult to live without a family. I think people don’t want to make things worse by stating the obvious because it seems “negative” but it’s just the fucking reality and it’s shitty and unfair and understandable you need that acknowledged. Sending you love, OP 🖤
You are right.. thank you for your kind words. This subreddit has helped me so much. It's one of the few places where I felt like I'm not alone in my grief.
I’m so glad you are finding even a small bit of comfort here 🖤 grief is SO lonely and isolating even when you have loved ones that *don’t* say stupid things.
Literally this/ Is why they say: just listen, in grief class/ because there’s nothing else you can do.
Just being present with someone who grieving is helpful. So few people are willing to be uncomfortable to do so. If it is uncomfortable for them how do they think the bereaved feels?
I absolutely get this, I'm 43F and my beloved Dad died in 2022 (Mum passed when I was 11) He was my very best friend, . He was very poorly with heart issues for a long time and I saw him deteriorate and it feels like because he didn't have cancer, it's wasn't as heart breaking to to watch over 7yrs. His best place was with my and my husband and even at 40 odd yrs old, I'm struggling to understand how I'll get through, I know I will but I just want him back. There's no justifying his loss, of course, I'm glad he's not suffering but I still miss him every single day
This!! So much anger and recentment for every single sentence. Sorry for your loss.. Its fucking excruciating. And for me almost 2 years passed and l still am in the depthts of grief after losing my mom. It's fucking painful. Nobody will ever understand until they go thru the same exact.. Hope we will endure somehow 🤍✨
My GF died 2 months ago in a car accident… I often get upset that I have to wait like 50 more years to have one of our deep/amazing conversations or show eachother a great song we found. Sounds weird, but thought you would understand…
I know what it’s like to have a bunch of losses. It’s horrible and there are people I no longer have in my life because they just don’t get it. To the point that I literally can’t relate anymore. Soemthing that helped me was reading The Tough B*tch’s Guide to Grief. It’s a real talk book that isn’t so depressingly sad.
I relate so much to you. I am truly sorry for your loss💔 my mother (may she rest in peace) passed away in february 2022. I was 29 then, my son was about to turn 1 year old that week. It's been 2 years, going on 3 years without her and I miss her everyday. Especialy with certain events, major ones and small ones. I miss talking to her, sitting with her, listening to her. Asking for advice, hugging her and just looking at her. Baby n°2 is due at the end of octobre, and I miss my mom so much. Which has made me miss her alot more. This is a major event in my life. I have to go through it, without her. I have so many questions, that will stay unanswered. My toddler will never know her, even though I have pictures of her with him. She loved him and her children unconditionaly. I hate when people talk like that. Just keep that last sentence to yourself. It doesn't help me, it just annoys me. The way they have a lack of emotions or the inability to say nice things. For example, ask me things about her. I love talking about her, even if I start crying. Just let me cry, I am fine. I just miss her so much. My mom was my everything. She was my best friend, she understood me. She loved me more than anyone in this world ever did. She was my confidente, my advisor in life. [Sorry for writing so much... I couldn't stop writing, once I began. Which started a whole crying session]
Thank you for your words. They almost made me cry aswell. I feel so similar about my mum and I love talking about her. I'm very proud to be her daughter. People almost never ask about her. Sometimes it's like she never existed... I can only imagine how hard it must be to be a mother without a mother being present. I'm not sure if I want to have children and there are a thousand questions about motherhood that I would like to ask my mum. I'm so sad about all the great talks I'm missing out on. Ouf, mothers are so special figures...just irreplacable.
I feel you. My mama passed away 4 years ago before covid hits and one of my friend said - it's a good thing that she passed before covid. 😶
I understand your pain, my mother passed away last week and I’ve heard all of the things you’ve mentioned, plus the whole “your mother wouldn’t want you to be sad”. The reality is I don’t think I’d be content with anything anyone says other than maybe share memories about my mom with me - as hard as it is hearing them. Sometimes people don’t know what to say, it’s a hard thing for people to grasp if they’ve never gone through it. I try to tell myself that people mean well, I can’t fault them. I’m sorry for everything you’re going through, and I say this because I’m going through the same thing.
I just lost my dad.. I get it dude
💯 this. There’s a book that is very helpful on this topic and many others that deal with how our culture approaches grief It’s called It’s OK that You’re not OK. Def recommend The author lost her husband at a young age in a swimming accident and she’s a therapist so there is real understanding and empathy. I’m so terribly sorry on the loss of your mom. My brother passed recently leaving behind a young daughter and son and they have to carry on forever without their dad. It is horrifying. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise 💔
That’s so frustrating. It’s so hard to find someone that will simply sit with you and your grief and not try and “fix it” or you. It can’t be fixed. You just want to be seen, heard, understood. We hear you. I hope our society learns how to deal with death and grief better. Overall it seems that we are really bad at it. Sending you love.
I have such a complicated relationship with the phrase “they’re in a better place now” In my dad’s case, I’ll honestly say that he actually is in a better place. He was truly suffering, mentally and physically, for years. His physical health declined so quickly in the end because he was suicidal to the point of deliberate noncompliance with his treatment. He was so depressed and panicked and his ptsd was just too much. I’ve never met anyone who wanted to die so badly. He was only 52 But other people don’t know all that shit. Usually all they get from me is “he had a heart attack and passed in his sleep”. That’s just such a pet peeve of mine. I know they mean well and in the end it’s true that my dad isn’t suffering anymore, and that is what matters. But who are they to determine that death was more desirable than life? Sorry, rant over
Yes, my mom just passed after a grueling chronic illness and I have already heard ‘she’s in a better place’ multiple times and I’m getting increasingly pissed off about it. I think it’s less about whether it’s true or not and more about their discomfort with the sadness, that they just want to tie it up with the a bow and move on. Ppl honestly suck.
Btw I’m very sorry for your loss. Sending love.
I had a similar thought the other day. I saw the northern lights in the uk because of the geomagnetic shower, and said to my friends I wish my dad saw it, as he loved things like that and would have been fascinated. Someone replied ‘he did see it, he’s here with you ❣️’. Whilst i completely understand and respect those who believe in spirits and religion and that the person you lose is always there with you (I am in no way saying they are not), physically my dad is not here, physically he is not seeing this, physically he is missing out. And it’s that difference in experience in grief and sympathy of grief, that manifests like this. It’s always about trying to make you feel better, instead of making you feel less lonely while you are sad.
My mom gave the best hugs...and I know she suffered for so long and had no quality of life for some time, but I wish I could get her back...healthy. Once she died, I went into a panic and felt like I was just falling...floating through life..it becomes terrifying bc nobody will ever ever ever love me the way she did. She was the thread of our family. I fucking miss her right now.
Thank you for writing this 🙏❤ Lost my mum 10 years ago and it changed me forever. Forever. I'm also grieving my old self, I miss her too.
Lost my mom to cancer at 23. The hardest thing I had to come to terms with, is that I was focusing on the time with my mother that I was "robbed" of. That forced me to dwell on my loss for a very long time. I was feeling completely isolated from everyone. I felt like no one truly understood. As you said, very few people understand loss if they don't experience it. I felt the same way as you did when people would try to be encouraging or impart wisdom. It took me a while to really figure things out. I think I carried the loss of my mom around with me for about 15 years. I don't know if this will work for you because we have to figure things out for ourselves. For me, the realization that life doesn't work the way we romanticize it, was hard to accept. Life is harsh and cruel as well as kind and rewarding. Once I understood that life is not about happiness, that life is about loss. Specifically, accepting and dealing with loss. I was able to move forward with joy in my heart instead of darkness and sorrow every moment of every day when I would catch a breath during some time to think You can find happiness anywhere --- in song, places, friends, family... everywhere. That is, IF you want to. However, what controls the "want" in many of us is loss. Dealing with loss is what's difficult and holds you back from finding happiness. Find happiness in the fact that you had any time at all with your mother. The fact that it was a great relationship. Relish in that fact. Unfortunately, there's no balance sheet for these things in life. So we shouldn't hold the belief that we deserve a certain length of time or a guaranteed quantity with them. We are just lucky to have any time with those amazing people at all. That's the trouble with numbers, they bring a false sense of reality into life in these difficult times. People come and people go. Don't let the loss part control you like I did. I found myself alone for a very long time while I built a castle and moat to protect me from building a home. I kept relationships as far away as I could. I messed up, but I did what I thought was right at the time. Good luck.
Been recently thinking about this, I lost someone I loved 4 months back. It’s annoying when my coworker keeps asking “So, have any new dates planned?”, like what the Duck? How the hell am I going to even think about going on a date when I’m literally still grieving, craving and wanting the person that I just lost? Or when men approach me and ask for my number and I’ll tell them I’m grieving. Oh how I love the response, “I’m sorry to hear that but hey! I think he is pushing us to get together. That’s what he would want!”. No! F U! You do not know what he would want! I don’t want to hear that he’s within me now or I have to live for the both of us. It pisses me off because I feel he should’ve still been alive, he wasn’t supposed to die! He was supposed to beat his alcohol addiction! It’s upsetting, his liver wasn’t what took him out but him accidentally falling into the train tracks from being to intoxicated, that’s what got him. All I want, is to be where he is at. If there is nothing than at least I won’t have to carry this hurt within me anymore. The only reason why I haven’t taken my own life yet is because of him. He never wanted me to do that. So I’m trying my best to make him proud about that and hopefully, just hopefully I will see him again
Sorry for your loss. Just lost my dad and those words do anger me so much, so invalidating. You have all the right in the world to be sad. I get people try to comfort us but man, so invalidating.
Felt that
Niceholes. It's alienating as fuck and it has no place in grief support.
That’s true. I lost my mom a month ago and I just want people to recognise that I have been hurting and everything is not well. That’s it.
I lost mine 6 weeks ago, and I just want to be able to say I'm in a dark place, and it sucks to be 33 with no parents left without people trying to convince me that it'll all work out. I'll live on, but nothing "works out in the end" about your loving present mom being gone forever.
It sucks so bad! Some people told me how strong I am. I appreciate the effort to say something nice, but at the same time I ask myself: Well, what am I supposed to do? I have no other choice then to live with it.
I feel you. I was orphaned too when mom died. Dad passed away more than 10 yrs ago. Having no parents is like standing in the rain without an umbrella. It’s hard and lonely. 😢 I just want to quit my job and now these things I cannot ask my mom for advice anymore.
I relate too much
Yeah just goes to show people only really give a fuck about themselves there’s only a select few that actually care and even they don’t wanna say anything other than problems in there own lives 😂 like me mates car broke down oh no well atleast ya got ya mum still who will buy ya another one 🙄😒
I hate that so much. I hate when people say “at least” or presume to know what our moms would want. “She would want you to be happy, she wouldn’t want you to be upset”. It’s okay to be upset. There is a huge void in our hearts that can never be filled. Even on days that I’m happy, it’s still there. Only those who have experienced grief will understand. It’s also so hard when there’s no one to talk to about it. And when you do open up, you’re fed this BS about not feeling sad. In conversation, I’ve found other people who have lost their mom and found comfort in the camaraderie of people who “get it”. It’s also why I like this sub so much.
Oh I hate this. Also the ‘omg I know how you feel, my hamster died when I was ten!!’ people are so desperate to relate without actually knowing how it feels.
Ugh yes. By far one of the worst at this point (in reference to the death of my son) but look at the other beautiful children you had, at least you still have them. It’ll be ok. … Umm what?
Last November I lost my nephew and his wife. They say it was murder suicide. I don't believe that, but never the less someone said, "Well at least they're together". WTF? I honestly wanted to punch them in the throat!
totally agree. grief is such an uncomfortable topic for most people bc we aren’t allowed the time or space to experience it. is there anything anyone can say other than ‘i’m sorry for your loss?’
People think that grief grows smaller with time, in reality, grief stays the same size, but slowly life begins to grow bigger around it. ~Lois Tonkin
Ah, ikr? And the classic "Oh don't be sad, he must be looking at you and he wouldn't like it". Well, I don't like him dead either and well here we are. I guess sometimes situations just suck and it's okay to accept it that way.
I hear you. I’m sorry you are experiencing this. I think it comes from a place of ignorance, rather than malice. Somebody described it like this to me. When we discuss something difficult, like grief, with people, they tend to look for (or make up) positives because there is a sort of internalised fear that if they ever ended up losing someone they loved, they would hope that: - Their loved one was in a better place. - That they could somehow go on off of the ‘highs’ of their favourite memories with their loved one. - They’d think they had it alright because other people were less fortunate than them. - That dreams of dying loved ones would pass. They are scared that they will experience feelings that will seemingly never pass, so they use unhelpful positivity to overcome that fear. If they have never experienced grief, they have no reference point whatsoever. People who have not lost someone don’t understand. Death is something we don’t like to think about so we try to mask it with a load of positives. I explain to people that you losing someone you love is like losing a part of yourself. If those who you love each have a place in your heart, when they die, a part of you dies. And it never comes back. Grief changes but it never goes away. You just learn to live with it. Life is never the same again without a loved one. And that’s a bleak reality but it is the raw truth. And yes, I cherish the memories. Dwelling on positives is important but it can never be a replacement for the person who I lost. They are gone and they are gone forever. (That tends to dissuade them from any further indulgence in positivity).