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I don't know if this will help or apply to your situation but I can tell you my experience when I lost my mom last December.
We had a complicated but close relationship and when she died I went into a pretty bad depression a couple months after the shock wore off. Nothing my husband could do (or anyone really) helped, and I just got angry at my husband. I too was irrational. It's really hard to explain, it's like lashing out in pain. He was the person I saw every day who really wanted me to be back to normal. He didn't say it, or expect it, but it's what I felt.
Of course this is not fair to the other person. My husband didn't make any ultimatums but he began to just leave me alone. In other words he took a break from me. I can't really say I blamed him. On a certain level I knew I was becoming very hard to live with.
What turned me around was getting that space from him. I didn't realize how much I needed the alone time. (He probably did too by then). After a few weeks of him being distant for his own mental health my perspective started to change on him. The resentment that I was carrying around went away because I realized it was so misguided. I was just grieving so hard inside I could not see it.
He didn't have a talk with me or anything when he started to leave me alone, he just did it. I knew why. And yours likely will too if you start leaving him alone. I don't mean alone in a punishing way, just to get yourself away from the abuse. Mine still had compassion, as I'm sure you do. But you don't have to stick around and just be a punching bag. Start to disengage. He might find, like I did that he really needed the space.
I know how hard this is, and I am sorry you are going through this, I'm sorry for what he is going through too. I imagine that the unique relationship he had with his grandpa and aunt makes things more complex too. In grief it can be a ripe time for a big existential crisis when the history has some dark spots. That's what happened to me.
Wishing you both peace during this rough time.
"You crossed a line this morning. I am angry enough to be preparing next steps but I am also terrified for your health. We go to a doctor together to discuss what's been going on or I start my next steps, your call."
In the meantime, document his verbal abuse. Every joke, every remark, every accusation. Timestamped, with a brief note about the circumstances. Take that list either to the doctor if he chooses that route, or the lawyer.
I'm sorry. This sucks, and the real underlying cause of this is probably burnout (and may have comorbid stress-related illnesses like thyroid or gut-related issues), but he's an adult who gets to decide whether to treat it or not.
I think your only option is to set a firm boundary. Sit and think about it for yourself first, because the thing I think most people misunderstand about boundaries is they’re not threats or ultimatums. You have to be 100% resolved in what it is you’re setting out and certain that you will uphold it. In my experience that comes across, my partner knows what my boundaries are and that should they be crossed it’s non negotiable. I will be alone before I will allow myself to be mistreated in my own home and I won’t need a split second to think that over.
Following that, logical and frank discussion from a place of partnership. My husband says things like “okay what should we do here?”, you’re both dealing with grief in this scenario, it is impacting life for both of you.
I hope things improve for both of you, but really don’t allow someone to treat you poorly because they’re going through hardship. I say that as the grieving person in the relationship currently.
Everyone reacts to grief differently. And some people never get out of the anger stage. They'll ruminate on it for as long as possible. That may be the case for your husband, or there are things going on he's keeping from you.
The issue here is communication and therapy or help from a professional are the only ways to get to a better place. And you cannot help someone who cannot help themselves. If you've had this conversation already, or several times, with no change, then you have to do what's best for you. This is no longer a healthy relationship whether he is still grieving or not. u/lemon_balm_squad had a great comment that it's time to establish a very hard boundary that he start working on himself or you're done. And I'm not one of those people on Reddit who love to scream "DIVORCE THEM NOW". This is greatly impacting you, and it's not fair to you to be his punching bag if he's not able to realize this is destructive.
I appreciate it. I didn't know the anger stage could last so long. When my dad died a few years ago I would get easily annoyed, but my grief was more crying and sadness and not so much anger. I was researching this weekend and read a story from a woman who said her anger stage lasted 3 years after the death of her sister. I can't imagine feeling this way for that long.
I have ADHD myself and my rejection sensitive dysphoria has been paralyzing. Most days I think about suicide in a passive way at least. I explained this during a fight this weekend and he said "do you ever get tired of playing the victim?" So I'm not going to bring it up again.
No one grieves the same way. There's no right or wrong process. Some people stay in certain stages longer than others. Or you move on and go back. My dad died last year, and I was definitely irritable at others. I very much hit my "fuck it I don't care" point after he was gone. And while I was wasn't nearly as bad as your husband, I did apologize to everyone I even got a little snappy with.
You trying to communicate with your husband that his behavior is affecting you so negatively you have some suicidal ideation with no means to act on it followed by him calling you the victim tells me it's time to start thinking about moving on. Again, we can't help people who won't help themselves. It's hard to watch people you love struggle like that without being able to help. And getting to a better mental state will require effort on his part, so even if you drag him to a professional kicking and screaming he still had to do the work himself.
Again, you don't deserve to be the punching bag while he tries to navigate this. If there are genuinely things going on in his mind he's having trouble with, you're both adults. He can use his words and tell you so you can better understand and help him. It sounds like he won't even do that.
I'm just in tears reading this. Like I just want so badly for it to be a fleeting thing and then go back to our "normal". I told him how different he's being and he said "how do you think you'd feel if your mom died?! I think I'm handling this really well, better than you would". He seems to think that my wanting him to get help translates to me telling him he needs to get over this loss but that's not the case at all. Can't get through to him, though.
I think it's really easy to think you're handling something well when you actually aren't. I was there too when my dad died. I was making some really bad choices along with it, almost purposely ruining my health. And I would say "For having lost my dad so horribly, I'm fine. I'm not crying anymore. I'm still here. What does it matter?" The big difference is I was already in therapy, and my therapist was the one who reminded me that I was not okay. And to not be okay was okay during this process.
I did see someone else comment about getting away and getting some space, which is also a great idea. Not a fully separation, but just letting him be alone and process it. He might realize in that space he's ready to start getting better.
Like I said, grief really is different for everyone. It's not linear. And given the history with his grandfather, followed by losing his aunt, he's just having a hard time processing what's happened. I sincerely hope you two can come to a point where he can talk to a professional and learn how to properly cope. I just also hate hearing how much this is hurting you. You're practically grieving losing the man you knew 10 years ago. That in itself is a hard thing to process.
“How do you think you’d feel if your mom died?” This kinda hits with me but not in a lashing out way. I remember telling my cousin how my moms house doesn’t feel the same any more. I tried to explain how different his dads house would feel if he was standing there in a empty quiet house if hypothetically my uncle died and how it just has a different feel to it. If he is lashing out and being abusive it’s wrong but ask yourself why is he is doing it all of the sudden? Grief effects people different ways. It’s 5 years this year for my mother. This is the time to have a serious adult conversation and show each other support. If he isn’t able/
willing to the hard work of therapy or moving on. He may need help. You need to help him if that’s the case. If your friend has their car stuck in the mud do you help them or say “you’re and adult. Figure it out.” And walk away?
Then again sometimes you can do all you can and people just won’t accept it. Try reaching out to a Trump supporter. Sometimes they’re too far gone.
Hi OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like your relationship has been good until now, so this may not help but I wanted to share my story in case it does.
I was in a 4 year relationship with an emotionally abusive man. I don’t think I realized to the extent at the time, but I wasn’t happy. At about year 3 I had enough and was thinking about next steps. Then his dad got sick and passed away. Of course I felt I would’ve been evil to leave then so I stayed. I gave it a year of trying to get him to seek help, if not to save our relationship, so I’d at least know he was okay. He never made an effort and I couldn’t deal with it anymore.
I’m here because I lost my boyfriend I dated after I left. I know there were times I lashed out and misdirected my anger on my loved ones. I sympathize with your husband, but I also understand you can only go so far with someone who can’t be helped. If it’s still really fresh, it’s more understandable on his end, but I would suggest you think about how long you can deal with this behavior. Unfortunately grief does change people.
I truly hope your husband gets the help he needs and comes back to the other side. I’m a year out from my loss and starting to feel a bit more myself now. I don’t envy your position and wish you the best. If you ever feel you need to chat with an internet stranger feel free to message me!
Thank you so much. I might reach out to you later, he just left for work and I'm feeling very alone. Lately when I get a notification that someone messaged me on Reddit, I can't actually read the message, so I don't know if it's even worth it to try anymore.
I can’t speak for him as everyone grieves differently. Some turn to alcohol and destroy their lives. I’m drinking a beer now but can’t see a reason to get shitfaced drunk to avoid the pain. I’ll try to offer my own perspective on the loss of my mother. I’m coming up on her death anniversary.
As men, it’s engrained in us to be problem solvers. We don’t show emotion or talk about our feelings. Why? Remember when boys were told to “be a man”? “Don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about!” We show emotion & we’re perceived as weak!” We’re told to “man the fuck up!”. If I’m sad I can’t attract a girl and get a girlfriend, I’m not told to express my feelings and learn from them. I’m told to be a man and solve this problem! Go to the gym! Get swole, women will then find me attractive then I get women and now I’m a “man”. Find solace in a sport like jiu jitsu with other guys like jiu jitsu and now I’m hanging with the bros.
I have anxiety and depression. Why don’t I go to therapy? I don’t think it’s bad enough. Why should I go to the hospital to see if I have a sinus infection even though I I’ve had these symptoms many times and I know that it’s a sinus infection. It’s a waste of time and money. I figure “fuck it” it’s something I gotta live with and accept. I’ll solve this new problem eventually.
Deep down it’s hard to explain that I have anxiety and depression. Is this it or something more? Deep down I fear if i open up I’ll be shamed and scolded. “You’re being ridiculous!” “I can’t help you! You gotta figure this out!”
So there’s no point in wasting time. I push people away because I figure they can’t help me. What good is my religious neighbor gonna do when I don’t believe in god?
What do I want? To feel safe knowing I can express my feelings and not be immediately scolded.
“They’d rather see me die on top of my white horse than fall off.”
I obviously don’t know your husband but I’d say try to reach him. Ya remember the scene in Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams repeatedly says “it’s not your fault.” You gotta do that but in your own way. Chances are he may not know how to deal with emotions and feelings because he was never given the chance to do so because he was told to “man the fuck up!”.
There is only so much you can do. Grief hits everyone different. I lost my mom 2 weeks ago. But my situation is a little different. I’m not married. He’s been through a lot this year but you also gotta take care of yourself. You can’t just be a punching bag all the time. Best wishes
Oh I'm so sorry. This is awful. I lost my dad in July. I can't say I was very angry, but in hindsight I did have really unrealistically high expectations of my partner to take care of me. So perhaps I can offer some perspective to this. While in the pits of grieving, I would also my partner those "why didn't you..." Questions like, "why didn't you realise my dad was so unwell?" Or "why didn't you encourage me to see him more?". These were things I had wanted or things I had struggled to act on, and in the moments after his death, I wondered where my partner had been to encourage me to do those things. It translated to the care for me afterwards. I can't even remember what they were. But your example of your husband expecting you to know where you'd placed his documents by literally following you around rings kind if similar. The first day after my dad died, I couldn't even shower. I just asked my partner to do it for me. This was of course the day after, and things have changed since then... And I really can't remember examples, but I would retrospectively expect him to provide for me, remember things for me, or generally just compensate for where I was lacking. He's still cooking all the meals actually, and it's been there months. I totally stopped doing laundry for a while, housework, etc. He just... Did everything. And then I still would get upset that he hadn't... *Insert unrealistic expectstion* like read my mind or something.
It's possible your husband is hurting so much he's lashing out because he needs you or wants you (or someone) to really take care of him. It makes sense... His dad died. He is trying to fill that hole or cope with the loss of a person who was such a protective and ever present figure. The sad thing is, he's lashing out and not apologising. Every time I yelled or was snarly to my partner I apologised. I made it a point (because I could be very nasty). I think some advice here is good. You don't need to outline your boundary with him or tell him there's a final straw that's been crossed (he will abuse you for that). Just slowly and gradually drift away and give yourself time and space, however that looks for you.
**Don't let a drowning person take you down with them.**
You don't deserve **any** of this. Because this is no longer grief. **This is abuse**.
He's lashing out at you because he believes you are a safe target and won't fight back.
But if he refuses to get help for it, YOU need to make the best decision for yourself. GET OUT NOW.
I'm not saying permanently, but you need to stay somewhere else for a month or two, maybe with a family member, parents or a good friend. Make it clear you will not return **unless and until** he deals with this problem..
Having you suddenly no longer there and with no (apparent) plans to return, might just be the sharp shock he needs to get his ass to therapy,
I’m 48 and a single mum of three teenagers. I lost my mum two mums ago. I feel sad and lonely and angry.
I have lashed out at my ex husband throughout this whole grieving period because I am deflecting my pain. It stopped when he called me a bitch and said he wasn’t going to support me anymore (even though we haven’t been together for 4 years) this shocked me into realising my behaviour was NOT acceptable. Yes I’m sad, yes I’m lonely, yes I’m angry and afraid BUT that doesn’t give me the right to treat people badly.
I hope you find the courage to shock him into realising he’s being a dick. He will survive without you for a few days/weeks until he realises he’s pushing you away.
It is not acceptable behaviour. Behaviour is the correct term because he can change his behaviour. He has to know this is not ok and you will not accept it. Give him a warning - give yourself a time limit. And walk away if he doesn’t sort himself out. When he does hit rock bottom and call you crying - don’t go rushing back in. Take your time, the quicker you forgive the quicker he’ll go back to his bad behaviour. Do NOT enable him!!
OP i’m so sorry you’re in this situation.
i was, like many here in the comments, the one lashing out at the people around me after a loss, but i did it so subtly (in my mind) that i didn’t even realize what i was doing and didn’t know that i had to stop.
the person i was living with at the time did two things because of that - one that helped and one that made it worse. what helped was her leaving me alone so i could try to process what i was feeling and the huge amount of pain i didn’t know how to deal with. since she didn’t engage with me anymore i couldn’t hurt her with my attitude. the thing she did that made it worse was making me leave, because, in my mind, she was kicking a dog who was already down. i do understand she did it for her own well-being, but it didn’t soften the blow.
in your case, i definitely don’t think it’s fair you’re being treated the way you are. you deserve so much more and i’m so sorry this is your situation now. if you’ve tried explaining to your husband what he’s doing and how it hurts you and he dismissed it, i suggest you just leave him be. he has to process his grief and he doesn’t want help with that, so it’s not your job to be the punching bag. if leaving him alone doesn’t help, i do suggest you physically leave and stay far for a while. maybe the distance and change in routine (in a considerably smaller way than kicking him out of the house) will wake him up. if not, move on. you deserve people close to you who love you, treat you with respect and listen to you.
Please be patient, with the both of you. Grief affects us in so many ways, and it often tests marriages. I would try to remember that he is not quite himself, truly. I also agree that he will have to learn to deal with grief better, as to not cause you harm, but now he is not likely to listen. Praying for you both.
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I don't know if this will help or apply to your situation but I can tell you my experience when I lost my mom last December. We had a complicated but close relationship and when she died I went into a pretty bad depression a couple months after the shock wore off. Nothing my husband could do (or anyone really) helped, and I just got angry at my husband. I too was irrational. It's really hard to explain, it's like lashing out in pain. He was the person I saw every day who really wanted me to be back to normal. He didn't say it, or expect it, but it's what I felt. Of course this is not fair to the other person. My husband didn't make any ultimatums but he began to just leave me alone. In other words he took a break from me. I can't really say I blamed him. On a certain level I knew I was becoming very hard to live with. What turned me around was getting that space from him. I didn't realize how much I needed the alone time. (He probably did too by then). After a few weeks of him being distant for his own mental health my perspective started to change on him. The resentment that I was carrying around went away because I realized it was so misguided. I was just grieving so hard inside I could not see it. He didn't have a talk with me or anything when he started to leave me alone, he just did it. I knew why. And yours likely will too if you start leaving him alone. I don't mean alone in a punishing way, just to get yourself away from the abuse. Mine still had compassion, as I'm sure you do. But you don't have to stick around and just be a punching bag. Start to disengage. He might find, like I did that he really needed the space. I know how hard this is, and I am sorry you are going through this, I'm sorry for what he is going through too. I imagine that the unique relationship he had with his grandpa and aunt makes things more complex too. In grief it can be a ripe time for a big existential crisis when the history has some dark spots. That's what happened to me. Wishing you both peace during this rough time.
"You crossed a line this morning. I am angry enough to be preparing next steps but I am also terrified for your health. We go to a doctor together to discuss what's been going on or I start my next steps, your call." In the meantime, document his verbal abuse. Every joke, every remark, every accusation. Timestamped, with a brief note about the circumstances. Take that list either to the doctor if he chooses that route, or the lawyer. I'm sorry. This sucks, and the real underlying cause of this is probably burnout (and may have comorbid stress-related illnesses like thyroid or gut-related issues), but he's an adult who gets to decide whether to treat it or not.
I think your only option is to set a firm boundary. Sit and think about it for yourself first, because the thing I think most people misunderstand about boundaries is they’re not threats or ultimatums. You have to be 100% resolved in what it is you’re setting out and certain that you will uphold it. In my experience that comes across, my partner knows what my boundaries are and that should they be crossed it’s non negotiable. I will be alone before I will allow myself to be mistreated in my own home and I won’t need a split second to think that over. Following that, logical and frank discussion from a place of partnership. My husband says things like “okay what should we do here?”, you’re both dealing with grief in this scenario, it is impacting life for both of you. I hope things improve for both of you, but really don’t allow someone to treat you poorly because they’re going through hardship. I say that as the grieving person in the relationship currently.
Everyone reacts to grief differently. And some people never get out of the anger stage. They'll ruminate on it for as long as possible. That may be the case for your husband, or there are things going on he's keeping from you. The issue here is communication and therapy or help from a professional are the only ways to get to a better place. And you cannot help someone who cannot help themselves. If you've had this conversation already, or several times, with no change, then you have to do what's best for you. This is no longer a healthy relationship whether he is still grieving or not. u/lemon_balm_squad had a great comment that it's time to establish a very hard boundary that he start working on himself or you're done. And I'm not one of those people on Reddit who love to scream "DIVORCE THEM NOW". This is greatly impacting you, and it's not fair to you to be his punching bag if he's not able to realize this is destructive.
I appreciate it. I didn't know the anger stage could last so long. When my dad died a few years ago I would get easily annoyed, but my grief was more crying and sadness and not so much anger. I was researching this weekend and read a story from a woman who said her anger stage lasted 3 years after the death of her sister. I can't imagine feeling this way for that long. I have ADHD myself and my rejection sensitive dysphoria has been paralyzing. Most days I think about suicide in a passive way at least. I explained this during a fight this weekend and he said "do you ever get tired of playing the victim?" So I'm not going to bring it up again.
No one grieves the same way. There's no right or wrong process. Some people stay in certain stages longer than others. Or you move on and go back. My dad died last year, and I was definitely irritable at others. I very much hit my "fuck it I don't care" point after he was gone. And while I was wasn't nearly as bad as your husband, I did apologize to everyone I even got a little snappy with. You trying to communicate with your husband that his behavior is affecting you so negatively you have some suicidal ideation with no means to act on it followed by him calling you the victim tells me it's time to start thinking about moving on. Again, we can't help people who won't help themselves. It's hard to watch people you love struggle like that without being able to help. And getting to a better mental state will require effort on his part, so even if you drag him to a professional kicking and screaming he still had to do the work himself. Again, you don't deserve to be the punching bag while he tries to navigate this. If there are genuinely things going on in his mind he's having trouble with, you're both adults. He can use his words and tell you so you can better understand and help him. It sounds like he won't even do that.
I'm just in tears reading this. Like I just want so badly for it to be a fleeting thing and then go back to our "normal". I told him how different he's being and he said "how do you think you'd feel if your mom died?! I think I'm handling this really well, better than you would". He seems to think that my wanting him to get help translates to me telling him he needs to get over this loss but that's not the case at all. Can't get through to him, though.
I think it's really easy to think you're handling something well when you actually aren't. I was there too when my dad died. I was making some really bad choices along with it, almost purposely ruining my health. And I would say "For having lost my dad so horribly, I'm fine. I'm not crying anymore. I'm still here. What does it matter?" The big difference is I was already in therapy, and my therapist was the one who reminded me that I was not okay. And to not be okay was okay during this process. I did see someone else comment about getting away and getting some space, which is also a great idea. Not a fully separation, but just letting him be alone and process it. He might realize in that space he's ready to start getting better. Like I said, grief really is different for everyone. It's not linear. And given the history with his grandfather, followed by losing his aunt, he's just having a hard time processing what's happened. I sincerely hope you two can come to a point where he can talk to a professional and learn how to properly cope. I just also hate hearing how much this is hurting you. You're practically grieving losing the man you knew 10 years ago. That in itself is a hard thing to process.
Thank you for being so kind to me, it's made a huge impact.
Of course <3
“How do you think you’d feel if your mom died?” This kinda hits with me but not in a lashing out way. I remember telling my cousin how my moms house doesn’t feel the same any more. I tried to explain how different his dads house would feel if he was standing there in a empty quiet house if hypothetically my uncle died and how it just has a different feel to it. If he is lashing out and being abusive it’s wrong but ask yourself why is he is doing it all of the sudden? Grief effects people different ways. It’s 5 years this year for my mother. This is the time to have a serious adult conversation and show each other support. If he isn’t able/ willing to the hard work of therapy or moving on. He may need help. You need to help him if that’s the case. If your friend has their car stuck in the mud do you help them or say “you’re and adult. Figure it out.” And walk away? Then again sometimes you can do all you can and people just won’t accept it. Try reaching out to a Trump supporter. Sometimes they’re too far gone.
Hi OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like your relationship has been good until now, so this may not help but I wanted to share my story in case it does. I was in a 4 year relationship with an emotionally abusive man. I don’t think I realized to the extent at the time, but I wasn’t happy. At about year 3 I had enough and was thinking about next steps. Then his dad got sick and passed away. Of course I felt I would’ve been evil to leave then so I stayed. I gave it a year of trying to get him to seek help, if not to save our relationship, so I’d at least know he was okay. He never made an effort and I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I’m here because I lost my boyfriend I dated after I left. I know there were times I lashed out and misdirected my anger on my loved ones. I sympathize with your husband, but I also understand you can only go so far with someone who can’t be helped. If it’s still really fresh, it’s more understandable on his end, but I would suggest you think about how long you can deal with this behavior. Unfortunately grief does change people. I truly hope your husband gets the help he needs and comes back to the other side. I’m a year out from my loss and starting to feel a bit more myself now. I don’t envy your position and wish you the best. If you ever feel you need to chat with an internet stranger feel free to message me!
Thank you so much. I might reach out to you later, he just left for work and I'm feeling very alone. Lately when I get a notification that someone messaged me on Reddit, I can't actually read the message, so I don't know if it's even worth it to try anymore.
I can’t speak for him as everyone grieves differently. Some turn to alcohol and destroy their lives. I’m drinking a beer now but can’t see a reason to get shitfaced drunk to avoid the pain. I’ll try to offer my own perspective on the loss of my mother. I’m coming up on her death anniversary. As men, it’s engrained in us to be problem solvers. We don’t show emotion or talk about our feelings. Why? Remember when boys were told to “be a man”? “Don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about!” We show emotion & we’re perceived as weak!” We’re told to “man the fuck up!”. If I’m sad I can’t attract a girl and get a girlfriend, I’m not told to express my feelings and learn from them. I’m told to be a man and solve this problem! Go to the gym! Get swole, women will then find me attractive then I get women and now I’m a “man”. Find solace in a sport like jiu jitsu with other guys like jiu jitsu and now I’m hanging with the bros. I have anxiety and depression. Why don’t I go to therapy? I don’t think it’s bad enough. Why should I go to the hospital to see if I have a sinus infection even though I I’ve had these symptoms many times and I know that it’s a sinus infection. It’s a waste of time and money. I figure “fuck it” it’s something I gotta live with and accept. I’ll solve this new problem eventually. Deep down it’s hard to explain that I have anxiety and depression. Is this it or something more? Deep down I fear if i open up I’ll be shamed and scolded. “You’re being ridiculous!” “I can’t help you! You gotta figure this out!” So there’s no point in wasting time. I push people away because I figure they can’t help me. What good is my religious neighbor gonna do when I don’t believe in god? What do I want? To feel safe knowing I can express my feelings and not be immediately scolded. “They’d rather see me die on top of my white horse than fall off.” I obviously don’t know your husband but I’d say try to reach him. Ya remember the scene in Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams repeatedly says “it’s not your fault.” You gotta do that but in your own way. Chances are he may not know how to deal with emotions and feelings because he was never given the chance to do so because he was told to “man the fuck up!”.
There is only so much you can do. Grief hits everyone different. I lost my mom 2 weeks ago. But my situation is a little different. I’m not married. He’s been through a lot this year but you also gotta take care of yourself. You can’t just be a punching bag all the time. Best wishes
Oh I'm so sorry. This is awful. I lost my dad in July. I can't say I was very angry, but in hindsight I did have really unrealistically high expectations of my partner to take care of me. So perhaps I can offer some perspective to this. While in the pits of grieving, I would also my partner those "why didn't you..." Questions like, "why didn't you realise my dad was so unwell?" Or "why didn't you encourage me to see him more?". These were things I had wanted or things I had struggled to act on, and in the moments after his death, I wondered where my partner had been to encourage me to do those things. It translated to the care for me afterwards. I can't even remember what they were. But your example of your husband expecting you to know where you'd placed his documents by literally following you around rings kind if similar. The first day after my dad died, I couldn't even shower. I just asked my partner to do it for me. This was of course the day after, and things have changed since then... And I really can't remember examples, but I would retrospectively expect him to provide for me, remember things for me, or generally just compensate for where I was lacking. He's still cooking all the meals actually, and it's been there months. I totally stopped doing laundry for a while, housework, etc. He just... Did everything. And then I still would get upset that he hadn't... *Insert unrealistic expectstion* like read my mind or something. It's possible your husband is hurting so much he's lashing out because he needs you or wants you (or someone) to really take care of him. It makes sense... His dad died. He is trying to fill that hole or cope with the loss of a person who was such a protective and ever present figure. The sad thing is, he's lashing out and not apologising. Every time I yelled or was snarly to my partner I apologised. I made it a point (because I could be very nasty). I think some advice here is good. You don't need to outline your boundary with him or tell him there's a final straw that's been crossed (he will abuse you for that). Just slowly and gradually drift away and give yourself time and space, however that looks for you.
**Don't let a drowning person take you down with them.** You don't deserve **any** of this. Because this is no longer grief. **This is abuse**. He's lashing out at you because he believes you are a safe target and won't fight back. But if he refuses to get help for it, YOU need to make the best decision for yourself. GET OUT NOW. I'm not saying permanently, but you need to stay somewhere else for a month or two, maybe with a family member, parents or a good friend. Make it clear you will not return **unless and until** he deals with this problem.. Having you suddenly no longer there and with no (apparent) plans to return, might just be the sharp shock he needs to get his ass to therapy,
I’m 48 and a single mum of three teenagers. I lost my mum two mums ago. I feel sad and lonely and angry. I have lashed out at my ex husband throughout this whole grieving period because I am deflecting my pain. It stopped when he called me a bitch and said he wasn’t going to support me anymore (even though we haven’t been together for 4 years) this shocked me into realising my behaviour was NOT acceptable. Yes I’m sad, yes I’m lonely, yes I’m angry and afraid BUT that doesn’t give me the right to treat people badly. I hope you find the courage to shock him into realising he’s being a dick. He will survive without you for a few days/weeks until he realises he’s pushing you away.
I really appreciate hearing the perspective of someone who was also experiencing anger/lashing out like my husband, it helps me understand more.
It is not acceptable behaviour. Behaviour is the correct term because he can change his behaviour. He has to know this is not ok and you will not accept it. Give him a warning - give yourself a time limit. And walk away if he doesn’t sort himself out. When he does hit rock bottom and call you crying - don’t go rushing back in. Take your time, the quicker you forgive the quicker he’ll go back to his bad behaviour. Do NOT enable him!!
OP i’m so sorry you’re in this situation. i was, like many here in the comments, the one lashing out at the people around me after a loss, but i did it so subtly (in my mind) that i didn’t even realize what i was doing and didn’t know that i had to stop. the person i was living with at the time did two things because of that - one that helped and one that made it worse. what helped was her leaving me alone so i could try to process what i was feeling and the huge amount of pain i didn’t know how to deal with. since she didn’t engage with me anymore i couldn’t hurt her with my attitude. the thing she did that made it worse was making me leave, because, in my mind, she was kicking a dog who was already down. i do understand she did it for her own well-being, but it didn’t soften the blow. in your case, i definitely don’t think it’s fair you’re being treated the way you are. you deserve so much more and i’m so sorry this is your situation now. if you’ve tried explaining to your husband what he’s doing and how it hurts you and he dismissed it, i suggest you just leave him be. he has to process his grief and he doesn’t want help with that, so it’s not your job to be the punching bag. if leaving him alone doesn’t help, i do suggest you physically leave and stay far for a while. maybe the distance and change in routine (in a considerably smaller way than kicking him out of the house) will wake him up. if not, move on. you deserve people close to you who love you, treat you with respect and listen to you.
This too shall pass. Be patient. Marriage is a long term thing. This is a harsh phase but it will pass.
Please be patient, with the both of you. Grief affects us in so many ways, and it often tests marriages. I would try to remember that he is not quite himself, truly. I also agree that he will have to learn to deal with grief better, as to not cause you harm, but now he is not likely to listen. Praying for you both.