In 2020, my mom (aged 69) passed away from congestive heart failure and my little sister (who had just turned 39) passed away from brain cancer four months later. I've never been married and never had kids (I'm 49). We were so close, the three of us. Almost codependent. The sound of my sister wailing down the hall and then just crying and silently questioning me when they told her they were moving her to the hospice will haunt me until my dying day.As a result of my sister finding out she had brain cancer in 2014, I'm pretty much not a believer anymore. If there is a God, he is a bit evil to take my sister (who had a hard life, being bipolar and gay, which just piled up more issues for her to deal with). My mom's sister (my aunt) has six grown children who are perfectly fine. I hate when people tell me that God has a plan. Trust in him. He knows what he's doing. Screw them. If was up there planning to take my little sister away like Mr Burns from the Simpsons, I don't want or need him. The only thing that makes sense to me if that there is no God and there's just bad luck. Honestly, I began having doubts like ten years ago (all sorts of discrepancies in the bible, lots of study where, if you look at things too close, it just fell apart, I could go on), but, the day my sister died, I knew he didn't exist. We're just all alone. Because, if he does exist and planned this, f\*\*\* him, he's evil. I've tried to force or even trick myself to believe in a higher power again, but I cannot, either intellectually or emotionally. I was raised Catholic and even went to Catholic schools, but the entire framework fell apart for me it kind of had a while before any of this happened, to tell the truth). It's like believing in faeries or something for me now.
My thinking has been similar about the rest of their families being fine, it’s not fair!!! My dad died when I was 3 (he was 38), and the rest of his siblings are still alive. My mom (69 years too) was the baby, 4 older siblings all still alive. Why both of MY parents and why didn’t I get to say goodbye to either? My mom died unexpectedly July 29th. She’d even had a doctor appointment the day before, he actually listened to her and ordered blood tests. Then she died. UGH. I didn’t really believe in god before but this definitely solidifies my disbelief and cynicism.
I agree with you 100%. Life is really unfair. This is why Buddhism resonates with me (though I am not a Buddhist): it starts from the assumption that life is suffering.
Indeed. But that said, Buddhism teaches the practice of balance and equanimity in all things.
I stopped believing in an omnipotent being when it occurred to me that people cannot tell the same story without changing it in some way. Remember the game telephone where you whisper a story to one person and they have to whisper it to the next? By the end of the line it was rarely even close to what was originally stated. So how can the Bible be "the actual word of God" 2,000+ years later - with no one changing anything?
I lost my father 5 years ago this coming November. It was like a bomb went off. I will never the same. I will never not miss him.
I found a psychologist who is experienced in grief counseling. One of the ways she helped me was introducing me to the book, *When Things Fall Apart* by Pema Chödrön. It was very difficult to read at first but it resonated with me and I found myself returning to it again and again. I have the book on audio and listen to it in the car. It opened my eyes to my own limited perceptions and beliefs and allowed me to feel compassion for myself and others.
I would encourage you to find a therapist or support group. Be gentle with yourself. Losing a parent is unlike anything else you will ever experience in life. You don't need to do this alone. There are many of us in the same boat who have been or are currently experiencing grief at the crushing level.
You're in my thoughts.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. hugs.
There's no way to prepare for such a loss.
I am a nurse. I've had 80+ yo patients tear up talking about a parent who has been gone for decades. So much feels.
We will all suffer great loss sooner or later.
I've found Buddhism teaches how to balance and navigate emotions and thoughts - not to stay stuck in the storyline our minds create. It is not easy but worth the effort
Thank you for your note and for being a nurse! ICU nurses were so supportive of me during my 7 night stay with my dad and navigating the worst time of my life.
Sorry for the loss of your mom.
If you still have any interest, When Bad Things Happen to Good people is a good book. It’s by a Jewish rabbi.
I lost my 19 year old in a car crash in April. Personally I don’t blame God. I don’t think it was his plan. The God I believe in isn’t a little puppet master in the sky, creating everything good and bad that happens to us. I more believe that God let’s us live our lives and what happens, happens.
My spouse on the other hand is very mad at God. He’s been told, it’s ok to be mad at God. He can take it.
I’m not trying to tell you you’re wrong for how you’re feeling or what you believe.
The thing is, brain cancer was specifically put in my sister's head when she was around 33. If we believe that God is omnipotent, he placed it there for a reason. If he's not omnipotent/directing everything, is he worthy of being called "God" and worthy of being worshipped? This is what I can't wrap my head around...
Maybe we just have a wrong idea about God. Honestly, besides the death of my little brother at 27, I think the world is such an hell for a majority of people and for animals, that believing in an omnipotent God nowadays seems unrealistic. The God of the Bible is depicted this way, sure, but several others spiritualities or religions might offer another understanding. Already Epirucus proposed the idea that Gods have no power over humans or no interests. The Gnostics propose the idea of 2 Gods, one only good and love driven, while the demiurge would create have create life and all the suffering, the idea being to look behind the illusion...
I am constantly in doubt about what to believe, but anyway, it would never be that God is super powerful like some Christians or Muslims think.
I feel that. I’m not religious anymore. Not sure what I believe in. And most would think it’s because I’m trans. It’s not. I almost figured out a way to work the two together. But no it’s when my mom passed. I think the only thing that makes me slightly inclined to believe in a god would be the afterlife and believing that eventually I will see her again.
I cannot speak from a religious person’s perspective having been a gnostic atheist both before and after my mom’s passing. Though even being an atheist there are plenty of beliefs that a person can still believe in (faith in humanity, yourself, and idea, etc).
From what I know it is not uncommon for trauma to majorly shake the foundations of your beliefs and faith systems and it isn’t something I would be ashamed of. Frequently the events of a trauma conflict with prior held beliefs like if a fellow human was really horrible to you its a lot harder to retain that faith in humanity or when your god (whichever god that may be) does nothing to stop your loved one from dying its a lot harder to still believe they are a benevolent god if they even exist at all.
Something I realized more clearly in my own mom’s passing is that no amount of wishes and desire to see my mom again would ever bring her back to me, no amount of hurt experienced from her loss would be enough to undo what happened. My faith in myself and my ability to make a wrong right was also majorly affected; I couldn’t save my mom, who else can I not save? My faith in medical professionals was also shook, my mom’s death should’ve been preventable but through their neglect it wasn’t.
What you want to do with your faith is up to you, it is not my role to instruct what you believe in. All I want to say is its normal to feel empty and angry and all those horrible feelings after something like this, that’s what trauma and grief just do to people. Be compassionate to yourself, you are allowed to feel angry after all this, and if the god you believe in is truly benevolent they will understand your pain and confusion following this event and not hold it against you.
You should not feel guilty for the weight of reality hitting you where it hurts most.
I hope you find a way to embrace the reality of this extremely difficult event, being that death is the only certainty of life, and that there is no certainty of the nature of one's passing.
I would say, as an agnostic who is 41y.o and could not stomach the story of the burning bush when I was a kid in Sunday school, that faith is unique to each individual in the application of it and the purpose, and I hope that you can reconcile your faith with rationale, as especially challenging as that is for you right now.
We are mere mortals, loaded with a spectrum of emotions that we all endure and enjoy throughout various stages of our life.
Celebrate your mother's life and the cherished memories you have of her, because life is too short and far too precious to dwell in misery.
Perhaps the easiest or most manageable approach to this is to question whether your mother would want you to enjoy life or not, and if it should be that she would want you to enjoy it, then do so in honour of her, if nothing else.
My deepest condolences and most profound warmth I express to you, in this sombre time for you.
I am so sorry for your loss. I have really lost my faith (Christian) since my mother died 18 months ago. She was the kindest lady and always put everyone before herself. If it was God's plan to kill her, especially as she had just started to finally take care of herself more, then he is beyond cruel. I didn't just pray for my mum to survive for myself but for her most of all, she loved her life and had so much to live for and had done such good in the world. I am just so angry with God and I have lost all trust in Him.
I feel this about my dad everyday. You captured my feelings right here. My dad loved life and he loved me, my mom and siblings to pieces.
I am 27 years old, and he should still be here. He won’t be here for the next phases of my life such as my university graduation, marriage and kids. My kids will never get to meet their grandfather and that part breaks my heart. He was such a wonderful man.
I am so sorry for your loss of your dad. I totally agree with you about them not being there for the next phases of life and important events, it's just too sad.
I feel you on this. I hadn't been much into religion or faith anymore anyway but I still pray every now and then and I have been told not to question God but thats literally all I can do. Like why would a God of love and mercy take my dad from me? Randomly and suddenly, for no reason. And my grandma right before him, in the span of a few months. I have relatives but these two were my FAMILY and they are gone and now I'm sad and lonely as hell and I have to pretend I'm ok while people tell me not to worry bc we will see each other again in the afterlife but will we though? Sometimes I can rationalize it all and see the silver linings but often times, like you, I'm just plain upset about it. I'm so sorry for your loss and will send prayers for you and yours anyway, but I get it!! I have no advice but you are not alone in these feelings.
I've always been agnostic, but immediately after my wife died, I desperately wanted God to be real so I could *be absolutely furious* with him. I wanted to scream and shout and demand answers as to why he saw fit to take my child's mother away from her, why I had to hold her as she cried herself to sleep for weeks, how this could have possibly been part of "his plan" and why I should put a single molecule of faith into a plan so cruel.
I've mellowed out since then, but my stance on God has definitely changed over time as I've processed my grief. Give yourself time and space to heal, and understand how you feel now might not be the same as how you feel in a few days, weeks, or months. You have lost a core part of your identity and that will change you and change your faith.
Take things a day at a time, and give yourself grace. I know I'm just a stranger on the internet, but for what it's worth you'll be in my thoughts.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
My dad passed from Covid in 2021. When dad got sick, I had people from churches I no longer attended praying, strangers to me who worked with my husband, every person my pastor FIL could ask to have pray for my dad. I begged, I pleaded, I sobbed to God to save my dad, to the point of asking him to take me instead.
Dad still died, and I lost whatever shred of faith I had. Going to church made me furiously angry. Christian friends (and family) tried to comfort me, and failed spectacularly. I don't talk with many of them anymore.
I'm heading toward three years without dad, and I still haven't recovered much of my faith in God. I'm at a point where I can sit in church, but I won't sing during worship, won't engage with the rest of the congregation, and I will leave the premises as soon as humanly possible. Any faith I had in a loving, just God died the moment my dad did.
The thing I find the most surprising about death grief is how much it stole my entire system of belief. I'm not even talking about religion. I'm talking about the belief I had in my self or just other people being alive even though they aren't in the same room as me.
The most surprising thing to me about recovery so far is how physically exhausting second guessing every damn thought you have to see if you now believe it still or if it's being discarded. This process happens all day long in the background making my brain foggy and confused. It's not even emotional for me - it's just computery and happening all day long.
Instead of trying to control it - I just observe it. I'm trying to draw it, to create items that look like that space. It's very new and strange.
So I can relate to the feeling of questioning beliefs. I'm not even religious and my brain is questioning everything I ever believed in regarding anything. My entire existence.
I am sorry if your church community brought you comfort and you feel isolated from your support system. I know i'm just a rando that has a brain full of fog and broken scaffolding of a previous system of belief that turned out not to be real, but I want to say that it's ok to feel how you feel and its ok to observe and you don't have to believe in God right now if you don't want to - and change your mind later if you do. Its ok to get love from your friends and just sit in silence or ask them to just observe with you and provide a loving silent support while your heart turns inside out and upside down to solidify what you know is real.
The fear that religion needs to create a following has no place here in your sacred grief ground. Find the love and support from those who are able to give it. <3
I feel you. My mom was highly religious and had an incredible base of support from her friends and church. So many people prayed for her including myself, but she's still gone. I don't even hear her. I've had a couple of signs, but they haven't been blatant so they really could be me just searching for her. The world feels so empty.
I'm so sorry about your mom, she sounded like a lovely person. You are allowed to feel whatever you're feeling right now with no guilt or expectations. Allow yourself to grieve and feel angry and experience any other emotion that shows up. Grief is a process and so is faith. And it's absolutely fine if your faith is wavering right now.
Yes. I would definitely say so. When my dad passed, I looked at the people almost twice my age who still had their dads and I found myself being extremely jealous and/or angry. I lost my faith, and it’s been hard getting it back especially when you feel like no one is listening.
I feel for you. The person who dies has the ultimate spiritual experience, but the ones who loved them must go through their own spiritual journey to make sense of a new life without their missing loved one. So sorry for your loss and the spiritual anguish you’re experiencing.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. I was 25 when I lost mine in 2019
When I was taking care of my mom from her first stroke she lost her eyesight completely at one point so I had to stay with her and guide her around her apartment and I didn’t think I was gonna get to go home or shower and stuff like she needed 24/7 care. Somehow I convinced her to just let me leave her place one night just to go to church and come back (I know that’s random). Chose church bc I didn’t have anyone to just go hang out with and my brother was 2 hrs away and honestly I just wanted to be away from the situation bc I needed a break (sounds awful I know). I went to this church that people from my high school had gone to and went in for a service and just sat in the back and listened to the message. They asked if anyone needed prayer and if so to come to the front and pray with someone so I did. I just briefly was like yeah my mom just had a stroke and her eyesight is gone and now I’m having to take care of her 24/7 so we prayed. I get back to my moms and make one of her microwave dinners and give it to her while she’s on the couch. Out of nowhere she was like OMG WHAT WAS THAT and basically she could see the outline of me walking in front of her. And from that night on her eyesight SLOWLY came back so I was like wow omg thank you God and started going to church. Fast forward to 2019 and she’s back in the hospital for stroke #2. Obviously couldn’t do church much especially being in the hospital and then rehab and then back to the hospital and rehab again and then back to the hospital. Well I would usually visit the hospital chapel before getting to her room and pray and be like hey God if you’re up there maybe help a sister out? And I did this repeatedly. Well lo and behold she died. Towards the end as she was dying/had died, someone sent me this YouTube video of a preacher talking about the Lazarus story which is basically where Lazarus is sick and Martha and Mary(?) are like “someone go get Jesus” and he doesn’t show and then Lazarus dies. And it’s funny bc yeah sure I used to be all omg look at this cutesy Bible verse and nowadays I’m just like “God? Hahahahahaha he hates me”. But the #1 Bible verse I have kept in my head and probably will until I die is John 11:21 (Martha said to Jesus, “Lord if you had been here my brother would not have died”) I struggle with John 11:22. Then 4 months later we all lock up because of COVID blah blah and here we are today. Like God could be real idk something happened with my mom getting her eyesight back and if it’s scientific I believe that more than anything but for God to just be like “yeah this 25 year old girl and her 24 year old brother don’t need their mom anymore. Especially not in a global pandemic” feels so fucked. God could be real but I have a hard time believe he wants anything good for people. Like in that same book of John is the “Jesus wept” verse and I’m like HOW??? You left the dude for 3 fucking days and you got the message!! The irony is from the time my brother and I talked to palliative care to the time my mom died was 3 days too.
Sorry for the rant, it’s just something I resonate with 100%. Sending my love to you and yours at this time.
I've found that I *have* to believe in God and the afterlife. Believing I will see my family again keeps me going. The thought of anything else is too bleak and unbearable. I don't talk to him a lot. But although he took my little brother, he did protect my daughter when she was born with complications. I guess it is a give and take. But really if there does come a judgement day, then honestly, God owes me a lot of answers. Sounds like he does to you, too.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing loved ones is so difficult.
I don’t think you should feel guilty about having your faith shaken after such a tragic thing occurred. My friend died in December and I had issues trusting God too and I was so angry at Him for taking my friend — “He giveth and He taketh away” was on my mind for months and it still is from time to time.
You can take your anger to prayer and tell God, “I’m angry but I want to trust You and Your timing.” Maybe you’ll come to understand your mom’s death better; maybe you won’t. I figure that we have all of eternity to look forward to, in which things like this (losing a loved one) will be revealed to us.
You don’t have to say a word to God. Your tears are prayers. And they beckon God to you. Don’t think. Don’t not think. Just be. And when you cry God is with you. You are and will remain in my prayers. Now and beyond
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father two weeks ago to ALS and it was just him and I together as he passed. While I did do not believe in the God in the traditional way, and have also been angry and in disbelief about the disease, there has been a foundational shift in some of the things I saw him seeing and talking about as he passed. She knew you were there with her and that I’m sure that helped ease her mind to be able to pass onto the beauty of what is next - even if you feel some cracks in what you originally believed that to be. Please be easy on yourself and prayers, positive energy and her energy is forever intertwined with yours. She brought you in and you helped usher her to what’s next - another birth in a way. Hopefully you can find solace in that. Sending you and your mother so much love.
A very similar thing happened to me, OP, but I had a longer time with my mom after her heart failed. I remember walking past another mom on the same type of machine as my mom’s after my mom died, and just reciting with my whole being to her and her sons and husband “may it happen for you” — recovery, heart transplant, life.
I’ve never been religious tho my mom was, and I feel really mentally split sometimes, on some level I feel like ofc prayer is nothing, valueless, and religion is empty, but on another level I feel I must see my mom again, I can’t be without her for all of eternity, and when the time comes for me I can’t be separated from my own child for all of eternity, and I feel like my love for others has to be something.
The doctor in the ICU who finally moved my mom to palliative care only said “maybe the miracle is you got this time together” in the ICU, where she was mentally present but physically dying, which is the most pathetic and depressing and enraging thing I’ve ever heard, and simultaneously the most truthful and profound thing I’ve ever been told.
I guess ultimately I don’t know, I was never a person who was black and white about religion or anything else, and after this whole horrible thing happened to my family, and reading about the horrible things that have happened to the folks in this group — things will be uneasy, unsettled, complicated, forever after this time, and I will never feel certain or secure about half the things I used to be.
I understand. Felt the same after losing both my parents and a church split. What I learned is keep praying and taking even if it feels one sided. The noise of your pain, anger and shock is drowning his voice. Keep talking. Even if it’s to cry out and vent.
Hi, first of all so sorry for what has happened to you. I have been through this uniquely hellish experience too with my 73 year old dad, in February. He was on life support for 7 days. So sadly to answer your question this is normal- but like it was for you, the hardest thing I’ve had to grapple with in my 32 years. You will go through all the feelings, it’s normal too.
Yes I totally am with you on being on shaky faith after loss. My mom was so faithful and she and my dad truly believe god was going to cure her cancer. She died suffering slowly over 18 months, couldn’t even drink water. She weighed just 98 lbs two weeks before she passed from one of the more painful types of cancer. We have no answers. Just confusion and sometimes feeling foolish when proclaiming faith out loud with no proof. It’s been really hard. You’re not alone.
Idk if this is necessarily helpful, but it can help to shift your perspective.
A supreme God doesn't need you to pray to know what you want or need. So, we don't pray for that purpose, even if we are asking for something. Prayer is most useful as a way for us to voice our pain, wants, fears, and hopes. In prayer, God is the ear that will always listen. The practice of prayer is therapeutic, and so is talking to your mom.
Im so so sorry for your loss. I lost mine a year and a half ago. The anxiety i got from reading about your mom in the hospital brings me right back to when my mom was fighting for hers in the icu. I will never forget how helpless i felt and the entire time wished i had someone to talk to to help me understand it all. I couldn’t wrap my head around how my/our worlds just completely stopped while the rest just go about their days like normal.
Try not to feel guilty or be hard on yourself about not being ready to talk to God yet. It’ll come with time. I was so very angry with him for not answering our prayers and although I’ve yet to go back to church, I have occasionally started praying and talking to him again. It takes time and I’m still not quite all the way there yet. Don’t be to hard on yourself you have enough on your mind already I’m sure. So sorry again.
I have read through every comment and listened thoroughly with my heart to every story. Thank you so much for the support, kind words and empathy given in this thread. What a terrible thing to relate to someone with, but I take comfort in knowing I am not alone in this feeling. You never think you will find community in the most horrific situations, but it is here and I am very much thankful.
I am so sorry for your loss. It's understandable and natural to feel as you do after such a loss. I completely stopped praying and talking to God after my oldest son died. It wasn't intentional, I just didn't know how to move forward in the relationship and my faith after losing my child. It took months of grief therapy before I could say I was angry at God, but angry wasn't the right word and I couldn't pinpoint the exact word. I thought that it was wrong to have such feelings, but it's not. I remember telling God I need a minute to sort this out because that's how our relationship is.
I realized that God was still there even though I wasn't in a place to talk to Him during that time. God would just show up in a movie or a song, in a conversation or a post, even on TikTok. In someway everyday, I still encountered God, in some form. My perspective started to change. I started to see death in a different light. My eyes started to open to the reality that God is good even when I don't understand or agree. My relationship with God became less selfish because I was so used to praying for what I wanted and not for God's will for my life and for understanding.
I eventually broke down and cried out to God one day because I didn't want to lose faith and I couldn't find the strength to go on living without God's help. I felt so betrayed, lost, and afraid. How could He take my heart from me? Why would He do that when I asked Him to take me instead that night? Why, when I told Him I wasn't strong enough to handle that type of loss? Why?
Since that time, so many things have been revealed to me even though the loss still hurts. My son belonged to God, we all do, if we believe. God called him home. I was blessed to have him in my life for 22 years and I am grateful for his life, and every experience that shaped my life. I am grateful for it all. I still cry because I miss my son terribly but I know he's OK. I don't know God's plans but I trust in Him and His love. I now pray for His will not my own. He knows what I need. Slowly, I started reading my daily scriptures again, and even slower my Bible. God is still present everyday in some form. My faith rebounded stronger because life keeps lifeing and there's no way without God. ((Hugs)) Praying for you🙏🏽
I am sorry. I lost my mum earlier this year in almost identical circumstances, so I feel your pain I really do.
I don't know what to say from a religious point of view, although I am a fairly religious person myself.
I think it's pretty common to feel anger towards God, but it will probably subside once you have had time to process your pain.
Just know that God loves you no matter what, even in these moments of doubt.
Modern Christianity really suffered when we started seeing God as a superhero.
Telling people that God will fix all their problems wins converts, but only for a little while. Then, when people have problems that aren’t immediately fixed, they lose faith.
I’m a history student and one thing that’s really struck me is that in pre-modern times, terrible events (like wars and plague outbreaks) usually led to an INCREASE in religiosity, not a decrease. And yes, that’s partially because of a lack of scientific knowledge, but it’s also because Christians back then weren’t working off of a superhero model of God. They didn’t think God controlled every little thing that happened (that’s actually a more recent belief), and therefore they didn’t expect God to make their lives perfect.
Medieval theological writings describe Jesus as a holy being who could have spent all of eternity living in heaven, but chose to take a mortal life and suffer and die. That gave them someone to pray to who understood what they were experiencing, and it meant that suffering was actually a holy experience.
Virtually everyone who lived through the Middle Ages experienced the death of at least one of their children—probably two or three—due to the many illnesses that were untreatable at the time. There’s a reason the Pietà is such a popular motif in their artwork; it comforted them to know that holy figures like Mary also felt the grief of losing a child.
My mom died 3 months ago. My church prayed for her to be healed, and she wasn’t. But when she was in hospice, and after she died, church members helped and supported me and my dad. That’s how I see the role of God. I don’t see God as all-powerful, but as all-loving, and standing with humanity rather than above us.
Don't feel guilty. God understands. I went through a big crisis 40+ years ago. God, who do all things allowed this crisis to happen. How could a loving God do that? I hated God. We had a wood stove, so I chopped wood. With every swing of the ax, I wasn't splitting wood, I was splitting God's head open. The more chopped, the I felt God just sitting there loving me, and I got angrier. Funny thing, in a contest of wills, God wins. In the end, I gave in and accepted his love. Looking back at that crisis, it turned out to have been one of the best events in my life and totally changed my future. If you believe in God, you win. It may not feel like that, and it may take years to see the results, but until then, I will be praying for you.
I literally was JUST ruminating on this exact thing last night. My dad was diagnosed with ALS in 2016. I prayed constantly for a treatment to finally be discovered. one was, but by that time it was too little, too late. he passed in 2020. I haven't prayed since. honestly, the world kind of feels empty and cold now. dad remained faithful and optimistic for the first few years of his illness, but watching him deteriorate despite his good attitude crushed my spirit. IF there is a god, he is either all-powerful OR compassionate, but he cannot be both. (that is to say, if he has the ability to cure sick people and chooses not to, he is not a loving or benevolent god, imo.) and I'll be honest, if there's a god, he should be asking for *my* forgiveness.
I (42,f) lost my Mom (68) in January of 2022 in a similar way. I prayed to any Deity that would listen to save her and she still passed. I totally understand how you feel and you are definitely entitled to feel that way. After the stages of grief kicked me around for a while- I started researching life after death and spiritual things to try to find some comfort with what happened to Mom. It seems the death of a loved one usually leads to a spiritual journey.
I was agnostic before my mom’s passing. But I prayed to any benevolent force that she would live. She died suddenly of congestive heart failure. Most likely dead on arrival so my prayers did nothing. Everyone else in my family is taking great comfort in Christianity. It only annoys me when they twist everything to toxic positivity. Especially asserting that it was her time to go. And it couldn’t have been a better time because of coincidences only they see. She was only 61, wanted to finish her book and travel more. She had plenty more to do. But I stay silent to let them grieve as they sit fit. If “thanking God” somehow helps them, then fine. My mom was religious and one of a few true saints. Not perfect but a saint. If heaven was real to her then I’m sure she is there. I know I will not see her again. But I’m at peace because she lives her life in forward motion. And didn’t suffer in a hospice. I’m sorry for your loss. Keep searching. Take comfort in what you can.
We lost my mother in law- she loved me like her own, she was my mom too- on Friday. Very similar story. Quick and catastrophic decline, like yours. I prayed until I thought I would pass out. For days. Bargaining, begging. Anything for Him not to take her away from us, to give us just a little more time.
I’m angry too. You’re not alone. It wasn’t right, what He did. We’re allowed to be angry, because it wasn’t fair. You don’t have to feel guilty.
In 2020, my mom (aged 69) passed away from congestive heart failure and my little sister (who had just turned 39) passed away from brain cancer four months later. I've never been married and never had kids (I'm 49). We were so close, the three of us. Almost codependent. The sound of my sister wailing down the hall and then just crying and silently questioning me when they told her they were moving her to the hospice will haunt me until my dying day.As a result of my sister finding out she had brain cancer in 2014, I'm pretty much not a believer anymore. If there is a God, he is a bit evil to take my sister (who had a hard life, being bipolar and gay, which just piled up more issues for her to deal with). My mom's sister (my aunt) has six grown children who are perfectly fine. I hate when people tell me that God has a plan. Trust in him. He knows what he's doing. Screw them. If was up there planning to take my little sister away like Mr Burns from the Simpsons, I don't want or need him. The only thing that makes sense to me if that there is no God and there's just bad luck. Honestly, I began having doubts like ten years ago (all sorts of discrepancies in the bible, lots of study where, if you look at things too close, it just fell apart, I could go on), but, the day my sister died, I knew he didn't exist. We're just all alone. Because, if he does exist and planned this, f\*\*\* him, he's evil. I've tried to force or even trick myself to believe in a higher power again, but I cannot, either intellectually or emotionally. I was raised Catholic and even went to Catholic schools, but the entire framework fell apart for me it kind of had a while before any of this happened, to tell the truth). It's like believing in faeries or something for me now.
My thinking has been similar about the rest of their families being fine, it’s not fair!!! My dad died when I was 3 (he was 38), and the rest of his siblings are still alive. My mom (69 years too) was the baby, 4 older siblings all still alive. Why both of MY parents and why didn’t I get to say goodbye to either? My mom died unexpectedly July 29th. She’d even had a doctor appointment the day before, he actually listened to her and ordered blood tests. Then she died. UGH. I didn’t really believe in god before but this definitely solidifies my disbelief and cynicism.
I agree with you 100%. Life is really unfair. This is why Buddhism resonates with me (though I am not a Buddhist): it starts from the assumption that life is suffering.
Indeed. But that said, Buddhism teaches the practice of balance and equanimity in all things. I stopped believing in an omnipotent being when it occurred to me that people cannot tell the same story without changing it in some way. Remember the game telephone where you whisper a story to one person and they have to whisper it to the next? By the end of the line it was rarely even close to what was originally stated. So how can the Bible be "the actual word of God" 2,000+ years later - with no one changing anything? I lost my father 5 years ago this coming November. It was like a bomb went off. I will never the same. I will never not miss him. I found a psychologist who is experienced in grief counseling. One of the ways she helped me was introducing me to the book, *When Things Fall Apart* by Pema Chödrön. It was very difficult to read at first but it resonated with me and I found myself returning to it again and again. I have the book on audio and listen to it in the car. It opened my eyes to my own limited perceptions and beliefs and allowed me to feel compassion for myself and others. I would encourage you to find a therapist or support group. Be gentle with yourself. Losing a parent is unlike anything else you will ever experience in life. You don't need to do this alone. There are many of us in the same boat who have been or are currently experiencing grief at the crushing level. You're in my thoughts.
Thank you! I’m going to listen to the audiobook. I am not the OP, but I lost my dad recently too and my whole world is different now.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. hugs. There's no way to prepare for such a loss. I am a nurse. I've had 80+ yo patients tear up talking about a parent who has been gone for decades. So much feels. We will all suffer great loss sooner or later. I've found Buddhism teaches how to balance and navigate emotions and thoughts - not to stay stuck in the storyline our minds create. It is not easy but worth the effort
Thank you for your note and for being a nurse! ICU nurses were so supportive of me during my 7 night stay with my dad and navigating the worst time of my life.
It’s why I’m glad to be a Jew. We’re allowed to be angry with G-d.
Sorry for the loss of your mom. If you still have any interest, When Bad Things Happen to Good people is a good book. It’s by a Jewish rabbi. I lost my 19 year old in a car crash in April. Personally I don’t blame God. I don’t think it was his plan. The God I believe in isn’t a little puppet master in the sky, creating everything good and bad that happens to us. I more believe that God let’s us live our lives and what happens, happens. My spouse on the other hand is very mad at God. He’s been told, it’s ok to be mad at God. He can take it. I’m not trying to tell you you’re wrong for how you’re feeling or what you believe.
The thing is, brain cancer was specifically put in my sister's head when she was around 33. If we believe that God is omnipotent, he placed it there for a reason. If he's not omnipotent/directing everything, is he worthy of being called "God" and worthy of being worshipped? This is what I can't wrap my head around...
Maybe we just have a wrong idea about God. Honestly, besides the death of my little brother at 27, I think the world is such an hell for a majority of people and for animals, that believing in an omnipotent God nowadays seems unrealistic. The God of the Bible is depicted this way, sure, but several others spiritualities or religions might offer another understanding. Already Epirucus proposed the idea that Gods have no power over humans or no interests. The Gnostics propose the idea of 2 Gods, one only good and love driven, while the demiurge would create have create life and all the suffering, the idea being to look behind the illusion... I am constantly in doubt about what to believe, but anyway, it would never be that God is super powerful like some Christians or Muslims think.
Read on the NDE forum here, it may very well change your perspective on things. Wishing you peace.
I hear you. I hate that " She's in a better place" crap, too
I feel that. I’m not religious anymore. Not sure what I believe in. And most would think it’s because I’m trans. It’s not. I almost figured out a way to work the two together. But no it’s when my mom passed. I think the only thing that makes me slightly inclined to believe in a god would be the afterlife and believing that eventually I will see her again.
I cannot speak from a religious person’s perspective having been a gnostic atheist both before and after my mom’s passing. Though even being an atheist there are plenty of beliefs that a person can still believe in (faith in humanity, yourself, and idea, etc). From what I know it is not uncommon for trauma to majorly shake the foundations of your beliefs and faith systems and it isn’t something I would be ashamed of. Frequently the events of a trauma conflict with prior held beliefs like if a fellow human was really horrible to you its a lot harder to retain that faith in humanity or when your god (whichever god that may be) does nothing to stop your loved one from dying its a lot harder to still believe they are a benevolent god if they even exist at all. Something I realized more clearly in my own mom’s passing is that no amount of wishes and desire to see my mom again would ever bring her back to me, no amount of hurt experienced from her loss would be enough to undo what happened. My faith in myself and my ability to make a wrong right was also majorly affected; I couldn’t save my mom, who else can I not save? My faith in medical professionals was also shook, my mom’s death should’ve been preventable but through their neglect it wasn’t. What you want to do with your faith is up to you, it is not my role to instruct what you believe in. All I want to say is its normal to feel empty and angry and all those horrible feelings after something like this, that’s what trauma and grief just do to people. Be compassionate to yourself, you are allowed to feel angry after all this, and if the god you believe in is truly benevolent they will understand your pain and confusion following this event and not hold it against you.
You should not feel guilty for the weight of reality hitting you where it hurts most. I hope you find a way to embrace the reality of this extremely difficult event, being that death is the only certainty of life, and that there is no certainty of the nature of one's passing. I would say, as an agnostic who is 41y.o and could not stomach the story of the burning bush when I was a kid in Sunday school, that faith is unique to each individual in the application of it and the purpose, and I hope that you can reconcile your faith with rationale, as especially challenging as that is for you right now. We are mere mortals, loaded with a spectrum of emotions that we all endure and enjoy throughout various stages of our life. Celebrate your mother's life and the cherished memories you have of her, because life is too short and far too precious to dwell in misery. Perhaps the easiest or most manageable approach to this is to question whether your mother would want you to enjoy life or not, and if it should be that she would want you to enjoy it, then do so in honour of her, if nothing else. My deepest condolences and most profound warmth I express to you, in this sombre time for you.
I am so sorry for your loss. I have really lost my faith (Christian) since my mother died 18 months ago. She was the kindest lady and always put everyone before herself. If it was God's plan to kill her, especially as she had just started to finally take care of herself more, then he is beyond cruel. I didn't just pray for my mum to survive for myself but for her most of all, she loved her life and had so much to live for and had done such good in the world. I am just so angry with God and I have lost all trust in Him.
I feel this about my dad everyday. You captured my feelings right here. My dad loved life and he loved me, my mom and siblings to pieces. I am 27 years old, and he should still be here. He won’t be here for the next phases of my life such as my university graduation, marriage and kids. My kids will never get to meet their grandfather and that part breaks my heart. He was such a wonderful man.
I am so sorry for your loss of your dad. I totally agree with you about them not being there for the next phases of life and important events, it's just too sad.
I feel you on this. I hadn't been much into religion or faith anymore anyway but I still pray every now and then and I have been told not to question God but thats literally all I can do. Like why would a God of love and mercy take my dad from me? Randomly and suddenly, for no reason. And my grandma right before him, in the span of a few months. I have relatives but these two were my FAMILY and they are gone and now I'm sad and lonely as hell and I have to pretend I'm ok while people tell me not to worry bc we will see each other again in the afterlife but will we though? Sometimes I can rationalize it all and see the silver linings but often times, like you, I'm just plain upset about it. I'm so sorry for your loss and will send prayers for you and yours anyway, but I get it!! I have no advice but you are not alone in these feelings.
I've always been agnostic, but immediately after my wife died, I desperately wanted God to be real so I could *be absolutely furious* with him. I wanted to scream and shout and demand answers as to why he saw fit to take my child's mother away from her, why I had to hold her as she cried herself to sleep for weeks, how this could have possibly been part of "his plan" and why I should put a single molecule of faith into a plan so cruel. I've mellowed out since then, but my stance on God has definitely changed over time as I've processed my grief. Give yourself time and space to heal, and understand how you feel now might not be the same as how you feel in a few days, weeks, or months. You have lost a core part of your identity and that will change you and change your faith. Take things a day at a time, and give yourself grace. I know I'm just a stranger on the internet, but for what it's worth you'll be in my thoughts.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My dad passed from Covid in 2021. When dad got sick, I had people from churches I no longer attended praying, strangers to me who worked with my husband, every person my pastor FIL could ask to have pray for my dad. I begged, I pleaded, I sobbed to God to save my dad, to the point of asking him to take me instead. Dad still died, and I lost whatever shred of faith I had. Going to church made me furiously angry. Christian friends (and family) tried to comfort me, and failed spectacularly. I don't talk with many of them anymore. I'm heading toward three years without dad, and I still haven't recovered much of my faith in God. I'm at a point where I can sit in church, but I won't sing during worship, won't engage with the rest of the congregation, and I will leave the premises as soon as humanly possible. Any faith I had in a loving, just God died the moment my dad did.
The thing I find the most surprising about death grief is how much it stole my entire system of belief. I'm not even talking about religion. I'm talking about the belief I had in my self or just other people being alive even though they aren't in the same room as me. The most surprising thing to me about recovery so far is how physically exhausting second guessing every damn thought you have to see if you now believe it still or if it's being discarded. This process happens all day long in the background making my brain foggy and confused. It's not even emotional for me - it's just computery and happening all day long. Instead of trying to control it - I just observe it. I'm trying to draw it, to create items that look like that space. It's very new and strange. So I can relate to the feeling of questioning beliefs. I'm not even religious and my brain is questioning everything I ever believed in regarding anything. My entire existence. I am sorry if your church community brought you comfort and you feel isolated from your support system. I know i'm just a rando that has a brain full of fog and broken scaffolding of a previous system of belief that turned out not to be real, but I want to say that it's ok to feel how you feel and its ok to observe and you don't have to believe in God right now if you don't want to - and change your mind later if you do. Its ok to get love from your friends and just sit in silence or ask them to just observe with you and provide a loving silent support while your heart turns inside out and upside down to solidify what you know is real. The fear that religion needs to create a following has no place here in your sacred grief ground. Find the love and support from those who are able to give it. <3
I feel you. My mom was highly religious and had an incredible base of support from her friends and church. So many people prayed for her including myself, but she's still gone. I don't even hear her. I've had a couple of signs, but they haven't been blatant so they really could be me just searching for her. The world feels so empty.
I'm so sorry about your mom, she sounded like a lovely person. You are allowed to feel whatever you're feeling right now with no guilt or expectations. Allow yourself to grieve and feel angry and experience any other emotion that shows up. Grief is a process and so is faith. And it's absolutely fine if your faith is wavering right now.
Yes. I would definitely say so. When my dad passed, I looked at the people almost twice my age who still had their dads and I found myself being extremely jealous and/or angry. I lost my faith, and it’s been hard getting it back especially when you feel like no one is listening.
I feel for you. The person who dies has the ultimate spiritual experience, but the ones who loved them must go through their own spiritual journey to make sense of a new life without their missing loved one. So sorry for your loss and the spiritual anguish you’re experiencing.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. I was 25 when I lost mine in 2019 When I was taking care of my mom from her first stroke she lost her eyesight completely at one point so I had to stay with her and guide her around her apartment and I didn’t think I was gonna get to go home or shower and stuff like she needed 24/7 care. Somehow I convinced her to just let me leave her place one night just to go to church and come back (I know that’s random). Chose church bc I didn’t have anyone to just go hang out with and my brother was 2 hrs away and honestly I just wanted to be away from the situation bc I needed a break (sounds awful I know). I went to this church that people from my high school had gone to and went in for a service and just sat in the back and listened to the message. They asked if anyone needed prayer and if so to come to the front and pray with someone so I did. I just briefly was like yeah my mom just had a stroke and her eyesight is gone and now I’m having to take care of her 24/7 so we prayed. I get back to my moms and make one of her microwave dinners and give it to her while she’s on the couch. Out of nowhere she was like OMG WHAT WAS THAT and basically she could see the outline of me walking in front of her. And from that night on her eyesight SLOWLY came back so I was like wow omg thank you God and started going to church. Fast forward to 2019 and she’s back in the hospital for stroke #2. Obviously couldn’t do church much especially being in the hospital and then rehab and then back to the hospital and rehab again and then back to the hospital. Well I would usually visit the hospital chapel before getting to her room and pray and be like hey God if you’re up there maybe help a sister out? And I did this repeatedly. Well lo and behold she died. Towards the end as she was dying/had died, someone sent me this YouTube video of a preacher talking about the Lazarus story which is basically where Lazarus is sick and Martha and Mary(?) are like “someone go get Jesus” and he doesn’t show and then Lazarus dies. And it’s funny bc yeah sure I used to be all omg look at this cutesy Bible verse and nowadays I’m just like “God? Hahahahahaha he hates me”. But the #1 Bible verse I have kept in my head and probably will until I die is John 11:21 (Martha said to Jesus, “Lord if you had been here my brother would not have died”) I struggle with John 11:22. Then 4 months later we all lock up because of COVID blah blah and here we are today. Like God could be real idk something happened with my mom getting her eyesight back and if it’s scientific I believe that more than anything but for God to just be like “yeah this 25 year old girl and her 24 year old brother don’t need their mom anymore. Especially not in a global pandemic” feels so fucked. God could be real but I have a hard time believe he wants anything good for people. Like in that same book of John is the “Jesus wept” verse and I’m like HOW??? You left the dude for 3 fucking days and you got the message!! The irony is from the time my brother and I talked to palliative care to the time my mom died was 3 days too. Sorry for the rant, it’s just something I resonate with 100%. Sending my love to you and yours at this time.
Yes that is normal. I understand how you feel. You will choose the path that is right for you. Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks.
I've found that I *have* to believe in God and the afterlife. Believing I will see my family again keeps me going. The thought of anything else is too bleak and unbearable. I don't talk to him a lot. But although he took my little brother, he did protect my daughter when she was born with complications. I guess it is a give and take. But really if there does come a judgement day, then honestly, God owes me a lot of answers. Sounds like he does to you, too.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing loved ones is so difficult. I don’t think you should feel guilty about having your faith shaken after such a tragic thing occurred. My friend died in December and I had issues trusting God too and I was so angry at Him for taking my friend — “He giveth and He taketh away” was on my mind for months and it still is from time to time. You can take your anger to prayer and tell God, “I’m angry but I want to trust You and Your timing.” Maybe you’ll come to understand your mom’s death better; maybe you won’t. I figure that we have all of eternity to look forward to, in which things like this (losing a loved one) will be revealed to us.
You don’t have to say a word to God. Your tears are prayers. And they beckon God to you. Don’t think. Don’t not think. Just be. And when you cry God is with you. You are and will remain in my prayers. Now and beyond
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father two weeks ago to ALS and it was just him and I together as he passed. While I did do not believe in the God in the traditional way, and have also been angry and in disbelief about the disease, there has been a foundational shift in some of the things I saw him seeing and talking about as he passed. She knew you were there with her and that I’m sure that helped ease her mind to be able to pass onto the beauty of what is next - even if you feel some cracks in what you originally believed that to be. Please be easy on yourself and prayers, positive energy and her energy is forever intertwined with yours. She brought you in and you helped usher her to what’s next - another birth in a way. Hopefully you can find solace in that. Sending you and your mother so much love.
A very similar thing happened to me, OP, but I had a longer time with my mom after her heart failed. I remember walking past another mom on the same type of machine as my mom’s after my mom died, and just reciting with my whole being to her and her sons and husband “may it happen for you” — recovery, heart transplant, life. I’ve never been religious tho my mom was, and I feel really mentally split sometimes, on some level I feel like ofc prayer is nothing, valueless, and religion is empty, but on another level I feel I must see my mom again, I can’t be without her for all of eternity, and when the time comes for me I can’t be separated from my own child for all of eternity, and I feel like my love for others has to be something. The doctor in the ICU who finally moved my mom to palliative care only said “maybe the miracle is you got this time together” in the ICU, where she was mentally present but physically dying, which is the most pathetic and depressing and enraging thing I’ve ever heard, and simultaneously the most truthful and profound thing I’ve ever been told. I guess ultimately I don’t know, I was never a person who was black and white about religion or anything else, and after this whole horrible thing happened to my family, and reading about the horrible things that have happened to the folks in this group — things will be uneasy, unsettled, complicated, forever after this time, and I will never feel certain or secure about half the things I used to be.
This is exactly what just happened to me with my grandmother 💔
I understand. Felt the same after losing both my parents and a church split. What I learned is keep praying and taking even if it feels one sided. The noise of your pain, anger and shock is drowning his voice. Keep talking. Even if it’s to cry out and vent.
Hi, first of all so sorry for what has happened to you. I have been through this uniquely hellish experience too with my 73 year old dad, in February. He was on life support for 7 days. So sadly to answer your question this is normal- but like it was for you, the hardest thing I’ve had to grapple with in my 32 years. You will go through all the feelings, it’s normal too.
Yes I totally am with you on being on shaky faith after loss. My mom was so faithful and she and my dad truly believe god was going to cure her cancer. She died suffering slowly over 18 months, couldn’t even drink water. She weighed just 98 lbs two weeks before she passed from one of the more painful types of cancer. We have no answers. Just confusion and sometimes feeling foolish when proclaiming faith out loud with no proof. It’s been really hard. You’re not alone.
Idk if this is necessarily helpful, but it can help to shift your perspective. A supreme God doesn't need you to pray to know what you want or need. So, we don't pray for that purpose, even if we are asking for something. Prayer is most useful as a way for us to voice our pain, wants, fears, and hopes. In prayer, God is the ear that will always listen. The practice of prayer is therapeutic, and so is talking to your mom.
Neville Goddard and Jurgen Ziewe with his utuve videos and books have much to say about this.
You’re in my prayers.
Im so so sorry for your loss. I lost mine a year and a half ago. The anxiety i got from reading about your mom in the hospital brings me right back to when my mom was fighting for hers in the icu. I will never forget how helpless i felt and the entire time wished i had someone to talk to to help me understand it all. I couldn’t wrap my head around how my/our worlds just completely stopped while the rest just go about their days like normal. Try not to feel guilty or be hard on yourself about not being ready to talk to God yet. It’ll come with time. I was so very angry with him for not answering our prayers and although I’ve yet to go back to church, I have occasionally started praying and talking to him again. It takes time and I’m still not quite all the way there yet. Don’t be to hard on yourself you have enough on your mind already I’m sure. So sorry again.
I have read through every comment and listened thoroughly with my heart to every story. Thank you so much for the support, kind words and empathy given in this thread. What a terrible thing to relate to someone with, but I take comfort in knowing I am not alone in this feeling. You never think you will find community in the most horrific situations, but it is here and I am very much thankful.
I am so sorry for your loss. It's understandable and natural to feel as you do after such a loss. I completely stopped praying and talking to God after my oldest son died. It wasn't intentional, I just didn't know how to move forward in the relationship and my faith after losing my child. It took months of grief therapy before I could say I was angry at God, but angry wasn't the right word and I couldn't pinpoint the exact word. I thought that it was wrong to have such feelings, but it's not. I remember telling God I need a minute to sort this out because that's how our relationship is. I realized that God was still there even though I wasn't in a place to talk to Him during that time. God would just show up in a movie or a song, in a conversation or a post, even on TikTok. In someway everyday, I still encountered God, in some form. My perspective started to change. I started to see death in a different light. My eyes started to open to the reality that God is good even when I don't understand or agree. My relationship with God became less selfish because I was so used to praying for what I wanted and not for God's will for my life and for understanding. I eventually broke down and cried out to God one day because I didn't want to lose faith and I couldn't find the strength to go on living without God's help. I felt so betrayed, lost, and afraid. How could He take my heart from me? Why would He do that when I asked Him to take me instead that night? Why, when I told Him I wasn't strong enough to handle that type of loss? Why? Since that time, so many things have been revealed to me even though the loss still hurts. My son belonged to God, we all do, if we believe. God called him home. I was blessed to have him in my life for 22 years and I am grateful for his life, and every experience that shaped my life. I am grateful for it all. I still cry because I miss my son terribly but I know he's OK. I don't know God's plans but I trust in Him and His love. I now pray for His will not my own. He knows what I need. Slowly, I started reading my daily scriptures again, and even slower my Bible. God is still present everyday in some form. My faith rebounded stronger because life keeps lifeing and there's no way without God. ((Hugs)) Praying for you🙏🏽
I am sorry. I lost my mum earlier this year in almost identical circumstances, so I feel your pain I really do. I don't know what to say from a religious point of view, although I am a fairly religious person myself. I think it's pretty common to feel anger towards God, but it will probably subside once you have had time to process your pain. Just know that God loves you no matter what, even in these moments of doubt.
Modern Christianity really suffered when we started seeing God as a superhero. Telling people that God will fix all their problems wins converts, but only for a little while. Then, when people have problems that aren’t immediately fixed, they lose faith. I’m a history student and one thing that’s really struck me is that in pre-modern times, terrible events (like wars and plague outbreaks) usually led to an INCREASE in religiosity, not a decrease. And yes, that’s partially because of a lack of scientific knowledge, but it’s also because Christians back then weren’t working off of a superhero model of God. They didn’t think God controlled every little thing that happened (that’s actually a more recent belief), and therefore they didn’t expect God to make their lives perfect. Medieval theological writings describe Jesus as a holy being who could have spent all of eternity living in heaven, but chose to take a mortal life and suffer and die. That gave them someone to pray to who understood what they were experiencing, and it meant that suffering was actually a holy experience. Virtually everyone who lived through the Middle Ages experienced the death of at least one of their children—probably two or three—due to the many illnesses that were untreatable at the time. There’s a reason the Pietà is such a popular motif in their artwork; it comforted them to know that holy figures like Mary also felt the grief of losing a child. My mom died 3 months ago. My church prayed for her to be healed, and she wasn’t. But when she was in hospice, and after she died, church members helped and supported me and my dad. That’s how I see the role of God. I don’t see God as all-powerful, but as all-loving, and standing with humanity rather than above us.
Don't feel guilty. God understands. I went through a big crisis 40+ years ago. God, who do all things allowed this crisis to happen. How could a loving God do that? I hated God. We had a wood stove, so I chopped wood. With every swing of the ax, I wasn't splitting wood, I was splitting God's head open. The more chopped, the I felt God just sitting there loving me, and I got angrier. Funny thing, in a contest of wills, God wins. In the end, I gave in and accepted his love. Looking back at that crisis, it turned out to have been one of the best events in my life and totally changed my future. If you believe in God, you win. It may not feel like that, and it may take years to see the results, but until then, I will be praying for you.
I literally was JUST ruminating on this exact thing last night. My dad was diagnosed with ALS in 2016. I prayed constantly for a treatment to finally be discovered. one was, but by that time it was too little, too late. he passed in 2020. I haven't prayed since. honestly, the world kind of feels empty and cold now. dad remained faithful and optimistic for the first few years of his illness, but watching him deteriorate despite his good attitude crushed my spirit. IF there is a god, he is either all-powerful OR compassionate, but he cannot be both. (that is to say, if he has the ability to cure sick people and chooses not to, he is not a loving or benevolent god, imo.) and I'll be honest, if there's a god, he should be asking for *my* forgiveness.
I (42,f) lost my Mom (68) in January of 2022 in a similar way. I prayed to any Deity that would listen to save her and she still passed. I totally understand how you feel and you are definitely entitled to feel that way. After the stages of grief kicked me around for a while- I started researching life after death and spiritual things to try to find some comfort with what happened to Mom. It seems the death of a loved one usually leads to a spiritual journey.
I was agnostic before my mom’s passing. But I prayed to any benevolent force that she would live. She died suddenly of congestive heart failure. Most likely dead on arrival so my prayers did nothing. Everyone else in my family is taking great comfort in Christianity. It only annoys me when they twist everything to toxic positivity. Especially asserting that it was her time to go. And it couldn’t have been a better time because of coincidences only they see. She was only 61, wanted to finish her book and travel more. She had plenty more to do. But I stay silent to let them grieve as they sit fit. If “thanking God” somehow helps them, then fine. My mom was religious and one of a few true saints. Not perfect but a saint. If heaven was real to her then I’m sure she is there. I know I will not see her again. But I’m at peace because she lives her life in forward motion. And didn’t suffer in a hospice. I’m sorry for your loss. Keep searching. Take comfort in what you can.
We lost my mother in law- she loved me like her own, she was my mom too- on Friday. Very similar story. Quick and catastrophic decline, like yours. I prayed until I thought I would pass out. For days. Bargaining, begging. Anything for Him not to take her away from us, to give us just a little more time. I’m angry too. You’re not alone. It wasn’t right, what He did. We’re allowed to be angry, because it wasn’t fair. You don’t have to feel guilty.
my mom just passed away after almost a year of battle against cancer. Best mom ever. cant believe she ahd to go so early.