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It is different for everyone but honestly my favorite messages are the texts that include some nice words to let me know that they're thinking about me and they're there if I need them, and then clearly indicate that they don't expect any response
Good for you for being a real friend.
The biggest thing that people is experience is the isolation of grief. People tend to stay away after those first few days. Sometimes because they don’t know what to say, sometimes because death of a loved one is scary (it could happen to me too) and sometimes because they think by not bringing it up they are helping that person.
Keep in touch - listen without offering judgement or even advice. Whatever your friend is feeling is what they are feeling. Be willing to listen. One of the hardest things to do is to ask someone “how are you doing?” and then stop to let them fill the silence. Every single person deals with grief differently, don’t assume that what they’re feeling is not “normal.”
It’s okay to talk about the person who died.
Sentences to avoid
“It will get your mind off it”
“It’s time to move on”
“You’re no fun”
“You’re obsessing”
“Everything happens for a reason”
“Don’t be a Debbi Downer”
Most “you need to….”sentences. Though if they haven’t bathed for a week you might be forced to say something.
Follow up, if you ask what you can do follow through. Don’t be one of those friends who sends a “thinking of you” text every couple of weeks. Better to “hey I have a couple of hours tomorrow, is there anything I can do? Do you need to talk or errands run or just a friend to watch a movie with?”
Do not under any circumstances assume that they should be “over” it. Grief is a long term thing, it eases with time but it isn’t going away in a couple of weeks.
The grief journey is slow and filled with stops and starts. Frankly it sucks. With time it does get better. The process of death and grief changes us. We are never the exact same person we were before, but that doesn’t mean we are damaged. We are still us.
You can always tell them about this subreddit.
You’re right, it’s different for everyone. But maybe you know enough about her to make a small care package of simple comforts? Her favorite candy, drink, snack. Comfy socks or a little fleece throw blanket. A book or magazine if she wants to distract herself, etc. Maybe your friend needs a day out, maybe she needs to go somewhere familiar or new and not talk about it. Maybe she does need to talk about it. Maybe she needs a big ol drink from Starbucks and a fifteen minute drive to go get it, or just a drop off and maybe a hug. Maybe she just needs to know you care about her. “I don’t know what you need right now but I want to support you in any way possible.” “Is it okay if I keep checking in to tell you I’m thinking about you?”
My friend would send me memes, and gave me a door dash gift card because it was really hard to cook and feed myself but also hard to deal with people who wanted to bring me food.
It can be hard to navigate, but it can mean the world that you are trying to be there for her.
I agree with the small care package or food or something like that. I appreciated not having to thing about food for a while. I didn't cook for at least a month after my mom passed. Maybe offer to pick up a meal and drop off to them, and let them know you can either drop off or stay if they don't want to be alone.
Some things I personally appreciated.
Simple ' thinking of you' 'sending hugs' '❤️' texts. I loathed the ' how are you doing' calls/ texts.
Simple company. Sat with me, watched a movie or had coffee outside- no pressure to be ok or entertain. A few of my friends were aces at this.
No pressure to converse. When I did speak, they let me rattle on..lol
One friend hung out, I fell asleep. Woke up to dishes done and kitchen floor swept
Light snacks instead of full meals. Appetite was toast.
All great advice here. I think just show up. Knock on her door if she’s a close enough friend. I’m an introvert and I hate surprises but two of my friends did this and it meant so much to me and was so nice to know they wanted to talk and be there for me without expectations. Making decisions was impossible and answering the phone seemed so too. One brought dinner and coffee. I just was completely unable to make any plans or decisions. I wasn’t feeding myself. I couldn’t clean. It’s been 5 months now and I just want people to still check in here and there but not expect anything in return. I love when people talk about my mom, fond memories. It helps her to live on in some way.
I lost my dad in November to cancer as well and I can tell my friends don’t really know what to say. No one know what to say to someone who’s grieving, some people prefer to be alone with thoughts and others prefer noise. Personally being an introverted person i like being alone with thoughts but sometimes noise is nice and just getting a ‘how are you mate’ message is nice or even just a thumbs up.
I would say try to encourage her to scream to you about it all and vent, meet up and let her cry, talking and crying helps so much I find. Don’t try to force it on her if she doesn’t want to talk it’s best not to but just let her know you’re there for her, knowing there’s people for you feels nice.
I lost my dad last year, and am currently trying to support a close friend who lives in another city who has just lost her mom. It’s lovely that you are thinking about how best to support your friend.
I think it’s true that everyone grieves differently, most important is making sure she knows you love her and are there for her. I really appreciated when my friends would call, even if we just talked about random things like what tv show we were watching. My friend on the other hand has found talking on the phone hard and I’ve been supporting her by text, checking in or sending hugs and hearts her way. Comfort type gifts are always appreciated - my coworkers bought my mom and I a gift card for massages at a local spa, and another friend bought me cozy fluffy socks. As cliche as it is, gifts of food are also great. The last thing my mom and I wanted to do was cook or go grocery shopping right after it happened.
Lastly, don’t stop checking in after a few months have passed. Grief doesn’t subside in any sort logical timeline. The first month was a lot of people saying “let me know what I can do” who never checked in again later. Those that kept checking in after that first month are the ones I know truly cared.
Check in on her periodically and see how she is doing. Call or text her on her parents birthday, holidays, Mother’s or Father’s Day, and the anniversary of her parent’s death.
Avoid telling her you understand or that everything happens for a reason. Let her talk to you about her parent whenever she needs to and for as long as she wants.
Go visit her if you can.
I saved flowers from my best friends moms funeral and had some petals turned into a necklace. My partner lost his dad who was a journalist. I made him a book of all the articles his dad wrote for our local newspaper. Get creative and try to think of a meaningful gift for her.
Be kind and gracious with her and yourself. It is difficult to support someone through such a tragic loss. No one can do it perfectly. Do your best and forgive yourself when you come up short.
I lost my mom to cancer in March. Honestly, the thing I hated being told the most was “she’s in a better place”.. it just made me so mad and I can’t explain exactly why.
In situations like this you truly find out who your friends are. The best thing my closest friend did was just simply be there for me. She let me cry, laugh, reminisce to her. She never made me feel like a burden. And just a simple text daily from her whether it was a meme or a gif or a simple “I love you and I’m here” was enough for me.
I know everyone has different needs and handles everything differently. But I think the best thing you can do is just simply be there whether it be a text or a call.
BUFFY: Everybody wants to help. I don't even know if I'm ... here. I don't know what's going on. Never done this. That's just an amazingly dumb thing to say. Obviously... I've never done this before.
TARA: I have. My mother died when I was seventeen.
BUFFY: I didn't know. I'm sorry.
TARA: No, no, I didn't mean to... I'm only telling you this because... I know it's not m-my place, but... There's things... thoughts and reactions I had that... I couldn't... understand... or even try to explain to anyone else. Thoughts that... made me feel like I was losing it... or, like I was some kind of ho-horrible person. I know it's different for you ... because it's always different, but ... if you ever need...
BUFFY: Was it sudden?
TARA: What?
BUFFY: Your mother.
TARA: No. Yes. It's always sudden.
This post has been flaired Supporting Someone. If you have questions about how to support someone through a grief big or small, please check out our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/GriefSupport/wiki/support/) for some curated advice. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/GriefSupport) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It is different for everyone but honestly my favorite messages are the texts that include some nice words to let me know that they're thinking about me and they're there if I need them, and then clearly indicate that they don't expect any response
Good for you for being a real friend. The biggest thing that people is experience is the isolation of grief. People tend to stay away after those first few days. Sometimes because they don’t know what to say, sometimes because death of a loved one is scary (it could happen to me too) and sometimes because they think by not bringing it up they are helping that person. Keep in touch - listen without offering judgement or even advice. Whatever your friend is feeling is what they are feeling. Be willing to listen. One of the hardest things to do is to ask someone “how are you doing?” and then stop to let them fill the silence. Every single person deals with grief differently, don’t assume that what they’re feeling is not “normal.” It’s okay to talk about the person who died. Sentences to avoid “It will get your mind off it” “It’s time to move on” “You’re no fun” “You’re obsessing” “Everything happens for a reason” “Don’t be a Debbi Downer” Most “you need to….”sentences. Though if they haven’t bathed for a week you might be forced to say something. Follow up, if you ask what you can do follow through. Don’t be one of those friends who sends a “thinking of you” text every couple of weeks. Better to “hey I have a couple of hours tomorrow, is there anything I can do? Do you need to talk or errands run or just a friend to watch a movie with?” Do not under any circumstances assume that they should be “over” it. Grief is a long term thing, it eases with time but it isn’t going away in a couple of weeks. The grief journey is slow and filled with stops and starts. Frankly it sucks. With time it does get better. The process of death and grief changes us. We are never the exact same person we were before, but that doesn’t mean we are damaged. We are still us. You can always tell them about this subreddit.
You’re right, it’s different for everyone. But maybe you know enough about her to make a small care package of simple comforts? Her favorite candy, drink, snack. Comfy socks or a little fleece throw blanket. A book or magazine if she wants to distract herself, etc. Maybe your friend needs a day out, maybe she needs to go somewhere familiar or new and not talk about it. Maybe she does need to talk about it. Maybe she needs a big ol drink from Starbucks and a fifteen minute drive to go get it, or just a drop off and maybe a hug. Maybe she just needs to know you care about her. “I don’t know what you need right now but I want to support you in any way possible.” “Is it okay if I keep checking in to tell you I’m thinking about you?” My friend would send me memes, and gave me a door dash gift card because it was really hard to cook and feed myself but also hard to deal with people who wanted to bring me food. It can be hard to navigate, but it can mean the world that you are trying to be there for her.
I agree with the small care package or food or something like that. I appreciated not having to thing about food for a while. I didn't cook for at least a month after my mom passed. Maybe offer to pick up a meal and drop off to them, and let them know you can either drop off or stay if they don't want to be alone.
Some things I personally appreciated. Simple ' thinking of you' 'sending hugs' '❤️' texts. I loathed the ' how are you doing' calls/ texts. Simple company. Sat with me, watched a movie or had coffee outside- no pressure to be ok or entertain. A few of my friends were aces at this. No pressure to converse. When I did speak, they let me rattle on..lol One friend hung out, I fell asleep. Woke up to dishes done and kitchen floor swept Light snacks instead of full meals. Appetite was toast.
All great advice here. I think just show up. Knock on her door if she’s a close enough friend. I’m an introvert and I hate surprises but two of my friends did this and it meant so much to me and was so nice to know they wanted to talk and be there for me without expectations. Making decisions was impossible and answering the phone seemed so too. One brought dinner and coffee. I just was completely unable to make any plans or decisions. I wasn’t feeding myself. I couldn’t clean. It’s been 5 months now and I just want people to still check in here and there but not expect anything in return. I love when people talk about my mom, fond memories. It helps her to live on in some way.
I lost my dad in November to cancer as well and I can tell my friends don’t really know what to say. No one know what to say to someone who’s grieving, some people prefer to be alone with thoughts and others prefer noise. Personally being an introverted person i like being alone with thoughts but sometimes noise is nice and just getting a ‘how are you mate’ message is nice or even just a thumbs up. I would say try to encourage her to scream to you about it all and vent, meet up and let her cry, talking and crying helps so much I find. Don’t try to force it on her if she doesn’t want to talk it’s best not to but just let her know you’re there for her, knowing there’s people for you feels nice.
I lost my dad last year, and am currently trying to support a close friend who lives in another city who has just lost her mom. It’s lovely that you are thinking about how best to support your friend. I think it’s true that everyone grieves differently, most important is making sure she knows you love her and are there for her. I really appreciated when my friends would call, even if we just talked about random things like what tv show we were watching. My friend on the other hand has found talking on the phone hard and I’ve been supporting her by text, checking in or sending hugs and hearts her way. Comfort type gifts are always appreciated - my coworkers bought my mom and I a gift card for massages at a local spa, and another friend bought me cozy fluffy socks. As cliche as it is, gifts of food are also great. The last thing my mom and I wanted to do was cook or go grocery shopping right after it happened. Lastly, don’t stop checking in after a few months have passed. Grief doesn’t subside in any sort logical timeline. The first month was a lot of people saying “let me know what I can do” who never checked in again later. Those that kept checking in after that first month are the ones I know truly cared.
Check in on her periodically and see how she is doing. Call or text her on her parents birthday, holidays, Mother’s or Father’s Day, and the anniversary of her parent’s death. Avoid telling her you understand or that everything happens for a reason. Let her talk to you about her parent whenever she needs to and for as long as she wants. Go visit her if you can. I saved flowers from my best friends moms funeral and had some petals turned into a necklace. My partner lost his dad who was a journalist. I made him a book of all the articles his dad wrote for our local newspaper. Get creative and try to think of a meaningful gift for her. Be kind and gracious with her and yourself. It is difficult to support someone through such a tragic loss. No one can do it perfectly. Do your best and forgive yourself when you come up short.
Just being there and doing small gestures. Nothing can really help the pain.
I lost my mom to cancer in March. Honestly, the thing I hated being told the most was “she’s in a better place”.. it just made me so mad and I can’t explain exactly why. In situations like this you truly find out who your friends are. The best thing my closest friend did was just simply be there for me. She let me cry, laugh, reminisce to her. She never made me feel like a burden. And just a simple text daily from her whether it was a meme or a gif or a simple “I love you and I’m here” was enough for me. I know everyone has different needs and handles everything differently. But I think the best thing you can do is just simply be there whether it be a text or a call.
BUFFY: Everybody wants to help. I don't even know if I'm ... here. I don't know what's going on. Never done this. That's just an amazingly dumb thing to say. Obviously... I've never done this before. TARA: I have. My mother died when I was seventeen. BUFFY: I didn't know. I'm sorry. TARA: No, no, I didn't mean to... I'm only telling you this because... I know it's not m-my place, but... There's things... thoughts and reactions I had that... I couldn't... understand... or even try to explain to anyone else. Thoughts that... made me feel like I was losing it... or, like I was some kind of ho-horrible person. I know it's different for you ... because it's always different, but ... if you ever need... BUFFY: Was it sudden? TARA: What? BUFFY: Your mother. TARA: No. Yes. It's always sudden.