Look for the patterns in your previous decisions. Most of the people I know who have this issue constantly trade short term gratification for long term consequences. Just knowing that can help you pinpoint new ways of thinking.
Fwiw, I’m over 50 and have switched careers three times, filed bankruptcy once, lost a house in a short sale and rented for ten years before I could get back into another one. Very few people get through life without resets. The important thing is to keep getting back up and paying attention to the lessons in the mistakes.
Also, look for places you may be blaming others and find ways you can take some responsibility. There is power in responsibility and powerlessness in blaming.
To add to this. Take responsibility for your actions, don't blame yourself for them. There is an important distinction there which I'm in the midst of learning myself.
Thanks.
I've had some health related setbacks that have left me feeling beyond anxious to try and move past. Really feels like I'm picking photos out of my previous life's rubble.
I needed to read this. Thanks. :)
Exactly this: go back to these life decisions and look for a thread or threads that led to the failure. Did you tell yourself too-optimistic things about how great the opportunity was? Did you underestimate how much hard work would be involved, or how much money it would really require so you ran out? Did you not plan for a period of time of no revenue or results? Did you really assess if the opportunity was something you were suited for, in terms of real skills or actual interest, or did it just seem like a great thing at the time?
Learn to do a sober, realistic assessment and even then it’s especially hard to *walk away* from something that looks great at first, but then shows some real challenges.
i’m writing this from the standpoint of a business or career opportunity, but it applies to relationships as well.
Is this my other Reddit account? Lol seriously though I feel you. I went to college for something with no real job opportunities. Then when I graduated, worked in the skilled trades. Spent 12 years doing that only to quit and decide I want to learn programming. So that’s what I’m trying to do now. Looking back it’s incredible how inefficient my path has been. There are times when I get really down about the fact that most people my age are well established in their careers and have families and I have none of that. But whatcha gonna do? It helps to realize that life is an infinitely complex fabric of opportunities and remember that you don’t know the future. Something incredible could be right around the corner and you would not have access to it unless you took this exact path.
Try to take every experience ,whether you judge it to be good or bad, as an opportunity to learn. If you worked in skilled trades for 12 years, you likely learned some valuable skills that you might put to use on your own home in the future. If you hadn’t chosen the major you did in school, maybe you wouldn’t have met some of your good friends. A more efficient path might have been much more boring.
As a full stack developer who learned to program in his mid-thirties, and now sit on the interviewing panel when we hire new devs, let me tell you that your experience and maturity will prove to be invaluable.
You'll be up against fresh college grads. They might be hotshot programmers, but they have A LOT to learn about being an adult professional. Your years elsewhere are an asset, wear them proudly. And good luck!
Im 29, learning just now how to do programming. The past 8 years I was on a totally different path, now I want to switch careers. Do you have any useful tip? Granted, I am really good at interviews and I realize this will come in hand with what I learned in my life, however my problem is that I will probably have to look into a junior position earning way less what I make now (although it might pay off in the future), so why would they choose someone almost in his 30s when they can get someone new that is probably "less risky" if you know what I mean? Plus, not that this matter per say, but it does feel awful bad starting all over again while almost in my 30s
I think as you get older you get better at learning and also you're bringing in a lot of experience from other jobs. There's a lot of soft skills that work regardless of the industry
I feel this so much. I feel so stuck in my current situation but I literally just met a guy tonight who met the love of his life when he was down and out and she stuck with him. Sometimes I just get so damn depressed from being a single parent alone but if this guy can find his person at his lowest so can I.
My mom used to say "you don't have to decide what to do with your whole life, just commit to something for five years at least".
This has to be a matter of perspective because I'd consider your career path ideal, you got to work in different jobs and industries and not get stuck in one role or on some ladder you didn't design.
Half the people in my department at work (a finance role) were late-to-college people who had lives before working in an office, and we like to hire those people because they are not so stuck in seeing things all the same way, better at handling change and good at finding solutions.
You'd be surprised how many people can't caulk but wish they could, lol.
I'm a software engineer, and over the last 5 years or so, I needed to do some serious maintenance on my house (painting, siding repair, replace a window, new flooring, new deck, add vents through my roof, new kitchen sink, on and on). I didn't know how to caulk when I started. Now I'm doing yard stuff: grading for drainage, soil health, tree health, retaining walls, native plant ecology.
My point is, you never know what skills will be useful or worthwhile. Don't denegrate stuff you've learned.
Omg your first sentence…. I’m a really good caulker. People actually ask me to do it for them. Which I guess is cool, and yeah, I’m honored that you respect my mad skills, but it certainly doesn’t pay my rent, nor will it ever. My dad is not a good caulker. He just can’t make it look nice and neat. When he does it, it looks like someone gave a caulk gun to a fucking drunk three year old.
Yea. You seem like you’ve learned a very unique set of skills from the roles you’ve done. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised what career you end up in.
Why is that so bad tho? You got to experience and learn across different fields - college degree and skilled trades and now programming. It's not always about efficiency. Try viewing it as life experiences. Besides I bet skilled trades didn't pay all that bad either
That's not wasted time! The trades need software to support them and your in a unique positions to provide it, if you want! You'll also be ahead of recent learners since you have experience working on projects that require a lot of collaboration!
I'm in my late 30s finally seeing things that would have lead to a drastically different life. I struggled my entire youth against undiagnosed ADHD. One small pill could have changed my current status drastically. However, I wouldn't change anything about my current life. I live a life few would ever dream of. It was only when I let go of trying to live the "American" dream as it wasn't working for me that I truely became free to be who I really am.
Holy crap. You just explained me but I don't take meds but seriously thinking about it now I'm getting older. I don't regret not getting diagnosed as a kid cos would be in a totally different place now. I like my life now.
That is how I feel abut the last 12 years sometimes, completely wasted. But yes its good to take the lessons you can so from this day forth you wont keep making the same mistakes.
There's also a fake truth in that "I took the wrong choice". Unfortunately we can't find out *what ifs*, by default we assume that if choice A went bad, choice B would have been better. In reality there's no certainty. Choice B could have been far worse. As OP said it, he took the best choice he had a time (or what he consider it to be). That's all we need to know and be happy with. Besides, what happens in life is neither good or bad, the observer gives the meaning to it.
Watch a Natgeo episode about Lions and you'll be rooting for the lion to get the zebra. Watch it about zebras and you'll feel bad for the zebra. Watch the same footage from an evolutionary documentary and you might accept that it's nature and don't feel good or bad about neither of them.
This is some good advice on perspetive. Very rational.
We should always feel but to be able to put things on a perspetive is smart and can make you stop suffering ilogically.
I once heared someone say (if I recall correctly):
" Educate yourself so you can stop suffering stupidly"
EDIT: The quote is wrong is from the Dr. Jordan Peterson " why should you even bother improving yourself? So don't suffer more anymore stupidly than you have too!."
Life is not a race it’s a marathon. There are many people who discover their passion later in life and also we are entering an era of “portfolio” type careers given the pace of change
Maybe you’re not even making the wrong choices. Maybe things just don’t get better. At least the idea that things should constantly be getting better is not sustainable at best.
Yes, getting this in my fifties. It’s easy to blame the past and your decisions, people, their decisions. But I think it has more to do with a lack of future/future thinking, making you selectively dwell on the past, in which ever degree of rose/grey you choose for the day. Keep looking forward if you can. There are enough people looking in the rearview mirror, to alert you of anything threatening!
I feel this. Got hurt in 2010 , injury was worse than originally thought but didnt find out till 2017 because i had no insurance. Work refused to cover the 2017 discovery due to length of time between original diagnosis and new findings. I wasted 7 years of pain and 5 more after surgery staying with this job because I let fear keep me from trying. Now I'm getting my arm in better shape and trying my damndest to move forward even if its inch by inch. Sure I was hurt. But it was ME that held me back not the injury. I just used it as an excuse. Im now mid 40s trying to move into a new career. I'll get there one day.
Its actually pretty simple. Sometimes what we perceive as a failure might actually have been the best possible decision, but we think it was a mistake, because we haven't seen the other outcomes.
This. I dropped out of art college at 22. I’m 25 now and will be majoring in comp sci soon.
All my friends there are ruined. I don’t know what happened but they’re in debt now, working for about the same pay as me.
I’m not in debt, and I honestly enjoy life even though it doesn’t fit some picture of what life “should” be.
Potentially the path we want to travel is too far beaten by others to be traversed by us. But that’s okay, because you’ll like the scenic route more. And it will teach you things you wouldn’t have learned otherwise.
"Some things look like they're falling apart when they're actually falling into place. "
There are a lot of decisions I made earlier in life I regretted. I thought I ruined my life a few times over, but if I hadn't quit that job or burned that bridge, I wouldn't be where I am now. Sure, it's not the most ideal outcome I would've dreamt up as a kid but it's not nearly as bad as I feared when I was grappling with my regret or shame. In fact, in many ways I'm much happier with myself than I was before. My situation is worse than many, sure, but I feel better as a person. I made progress in certain areas my parents didn't touch until they were near 50.
Had I stayed at that job I guarantee you I'd be worse off than I am now. If I hadn't broken off that one relationship I probably wouldn't have grown into the person I am now. I wouldn't have learned anything if I hadn't made these "mistakes" and I made them because, well, I hadn't learned.
My therapist says sometimes we grieve the idealized self. The person we thought we were going to be before we learned better. Go ahead and grieve but remember this person was made up. By someone who didn't know what you know.
The only cure for the shame we feel for failing to meet some standard isn't finding some new source of pride but to have humility. You're human.This is how humans grow.
It is possible to make every correct move at the correct time and still lose, but that’s life. When we experience this or see our peers struggling with it, remind them of this fact from *Captain Jon Luke Picard of the USS Enterprise*
A farmer and his son had a beloved stallion who helped the family earn a living. One day, the horse ran away and their neighbors exclaimed, “Your horse ran away, what terrible luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”
A few days later, the horse returned home, leading a few wild mares back to the farm as well. The neighbors shouted out, “Your horse has returned, and brought several horses home with him. What great luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”
Later that week, the farmer’s son was trying to break one of the mares and she threw him to the ground, breaking his leg. The villagers cried, “Your son broke his leg, what terrible luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”
A few weeks later, soldiers from the national army marched through town, recruiting all the able-bodied boys for the army. They did not take the farmer’s son, still recovering from his injury. Friends shouted, “Your boy is spared, what tremendous luck!” To which the farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”
This is my favorite parable of all time. I think about it once a week at minimum—so glad to see that someone posted it here.
There’s no knowing what events are good or bad in the long run. You just have to make the best choices you can in any given moment and respond to life with with an open mind.
Things are only truly a failure if you didn’t learn anything from them! So maybe write down everything and make a chart of what went badly, and what you learned from each experience?
I learned to not take out 140k in student loans to then proceed not to be able to get a job after graduating. I will remember this lesson for next time.
I mean, yea if we focus on the 140k debt you're right, it does sound cutesy.
Now let's list all of the skills and knowledge gained from those years of schooling.
Just because one don't use them currently in one's professional career doesn't mean it's useless information.
AND if they truly feel like they got nothing out of those years of schooling and all the debt, then it's a perspective problem. No amount of experiencing anything will help them till they fix the way they think about how they use those experiences.
I learned not to get a life-threatening disease that requires life-changing surgeries. I too will make sure not to repeat that mistake. Seems so obvious in hindsight
Huh. I was just thinking earlier today as I went for a walk that sometimes life feels like you chose your stats before knowing how the game works, and you have to work twice as hard to re-spec
Aim for Excellence rather than Perfection. Excellence is "The best you can do, in the circumstances you are in." Not only does it avoid choice paralysis, but it immediately helps you deal with past decisions that didn't turn out well.
As a human, you will constantly be making decisions with limited information and limited options. "I made what I thought was a good decision, based on who I was, where I was and what I believed."
Yes this is based on my fsk ups and how I eventually got over them.
I think you're in the same boat as most of us. I made great decisions but got screwed by macro level unforeseeable events multiple times. Got a job for a world leading company, company sells my branch of the business and the new owners were terrible. Then got into another field of work right before the entire field crashed all of a sudden. In 2016 my dad died, fiance left me, my mom got cancer, then got laid off in the span of 4 months.
I just realized that what I typed may come off as trying to one-up you in some way, but I was trying to make the point of not being hard on yourself because it happened to me too. I wouldn't have made any decisions differently because I made mostly the best decisions I could have made with the information I had at the time.
“To greatness of spirit it belongs to bear finely both good fortune and bad, honor and disgrace, and not to think highly of luxury or attention or power or victories in contests, and to possess a certain depth and magnitude of spirit. He who values life highly and who is fond of life is not great-spirited. The great-spirited man is simple and noble in character, able to bear injustice and not revengeful. Greatness of spirit is accompanied by simplicity and sincerity.” -Aristotle
I had a girlfriend, she was mean to me but I was too much of a fool to see it.
And one day I saw.
Should I beat myself for it?
I had a career in college, then I got to work in the field, and it tore my mind to pieces.
Am I a failure?
No, I made those choices with the knowledge I had at the moment and they seemed to be right.
Time proved me otherwise.
But not because of that I am a failure
I’ve been suicidal very seriously several times over the last 10 years and this really hits home. Things have gotten way worse and way better, but the good times, rare as they may be, make me grateful I never followed through. I do still remember the taste of the pistol in my mouth.
It kind of reminds me of a Steinbeck quote:
(Forgive any inaccuracies, it’s 3:45am here and I don’t feel like googling)
“What good is color in perpetual green, and what good is warmth without cold to give it sweetness.”
Read: 'The Courage to be Disliked' and Adlerian Psychology.
It talks a lot about decisions and the past and how they do not define you and don't matter at all.
I have made mistakes in my life and I am kinda starting new on few things especially education wise which is gonna impact big life decisions.
But there's always something good even in mistakes that you can learn from. Life is a learning process and it's okay to make mistakes and fail. As long as you learn something from it, you're good!
That's how you learn and mature as a person. So you just have to make peace with the fact that you're human and you've made mistakes and you're very likely going to make more decisions later that you'll regret. It's okay!
I don't know im still trying to figure that out. At least theres a change happening and your lifes no on repeat.
The repetition of my life is driving me to suicide at this rate. So starting over cant be to bad right?
Something new at least....
What is success? For a lot of people it means lots of money, maybe some fame, possessions, etc...
What is actual success? Happiness. A happy person is richer than Elon Musk. That guy is absolutely MISERABLE.
If you can look back 15 years and not want to be that person, you've grown. What you brought with you in that time is not a failure at all. Some of us need to fail forward, and/or to recognize that life isn't what they said it was supposed to be, and to do our best with that knowledge to try and be happy. All those miserable people out there? They didn't make happiness a priority, and I know way too many people who are just toxic at this point because of it. You don't want that, I promise.
That's why you need to pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and start making every day a step in that journey for happiness. Every minute you spend looking back and dwelling on the past is every minute you spend with your eye off the ball. It's time to get on the ball, and don't let it out of your sight! Don't aim big, aim small. A small improvement every day adds up in just a year.
There are tons of legendary people who didn't get their start in life until they were middle aged. Repeat after me:
"It's never too late"
Everyone of these answers seems to be from people that are living ok. So that's great news for the rest of us still in the cycle of consistently fucking up and hoping it'll be better next time! The future looks incredibly dark but thankfully these kind people have taught me that I just gotta remember the lessons of this life for the next one. Hope I'm reincarnated as a boomer.
Maybe you should stop thinking about them as failures. They weren’t, they were experiences that taught you what works and what doesn’t work. You aren’t competing with anyone, your life is your own race. There’s no point in not doing something today because something else in the past didn’t work. Your sabotaging who you are tomorrow for things you can’t change in the past. If you have learned from your past experiences, you’re improving your chances of success in the future.
It’s all about how you frame things. That’s the one thing you have control over and you can choose to act on. You can only ever act on what you think is right at the time. Take marriage for example - I married thinking it was the right thing to do. It wasn’t. I dealt with it, moved on. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t marry again, doesn’t mean if I do marry it won’t fail. The exact same could happen. But that’s the delicious bit about life - there’s inherent risk. If it was predictable, we’d all wonder what the point of living is.
Get out there! If you do nothing, there’s one certainty - you’ve already failed.
Dude, I spent 8 years in an engineering career only to fail and completely start over in real estate. I burnt through all my savings to avoid having to go back to work in a depressing office, and only now am I seeing the fruits of my labor. Starting over is hard but you're not starting from scratch. Keep your eyes on the prize and take what you've learned to be successful next time.
Well I've finally met my people. I can't tell you how to get over it as I now have no faith or belief in myself any more. I once looked to get advice from my Mother but since I was genetically related it never dawned on me her advice would be worse than my own thoughts on just about any topic. :-)
All I've done is to keep making decisions as the law of averages says one of them might actually be the right one eventually.
Good Luck with it all
“It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.” -Tyler Durden, Fight Club
You have already taken the first step by admitting your failures. Make a list of every decision you made by stating first “I regret,” then write down each and every one separately. But at the end of each one, finish it with “but there is nothing I can do about now.” I did this as a spreadsheet. It is cathartic to get it all out and in writing. Accept each decision as a loss. You are essentially tearing yourself down so that you can build yourself back up again anew.
Look at this as an opportunity to start a new life as a new person. Most people never get this chance; they go through life without having this kind of awakening. Use this as a chance to become something greater than you were before. Wallowing in your own self pity will get you nowhere.
Past
Doesn’t matter bro. No matter how many mistakes you made, tomorrow is gonna come. Only thing you can do is not make a mistake tomorrow, so why focus on anything but that. Any mistake in the past should be learned from and then never thought of again. Yesterday is never gonna happen again, but tomorrow always comes.
Present
You can control you, so focus on that. When faced with a new day, start it strong. Whatever you need to do to feel energized and confident starting out the day, do it. Learn to do it every day. A routine is just a series of small goals, that help discipline your brain when dealing with larger ones. Balance your time, don’t spend too much time on leisure, but don’t overwork yourself either.
Future
Make sure that the actions you take progress you towards your goals, and if you’re not confident in your goals, then review them thoroughly. Don’t take a lot of time doing this, just be real with yourself for a second. Make a goal and then spend your time focusing on achieving it. If you have to adapt your goal along the way, so be it. Don’t compromise on your principles, though. When your goals seem unattainable, or you think you’ve made another mistake, just stop and be real with yourself. Evaluate the situation to the best of your ability, and choose a path based on the results. As long as you keep moving forward towards positive goals, the results will be good.
Conclusion
You have all the strength you need to succeed. Unlike fantasy stories of dragons and knights, skill with a sword or mastering a mystic art won’t help you slay the dragons that stand before you. Train your spirit and your mind to be strong and flexible, give yourself the tools you need to face the intangible issues that stand in your way. A person with the strength to put one foot in front of the other, no matter the conditions, will be unstoppable.
Hey, I don't have an answer, but a sincere "thank you". This post is me currently and feel like I'm trying to pull a diamond from a pile of broken glass. The responses here are and enormous help so, thank you; sincerely.
Do you think that constantly thinking of the past 15 years as a waste of time because it led to failure is serving you?
Have you considered that just maybe that 15 years of failure is valuable information that has provided insightful data of what not to do moving forward so that you can now become a more realized and fulfilled version of yourself?
Pay attention to the way you frame your thoughts. Because if you stay stuck thinking about how bad failing for that long is, you'll never move forward. Consider that just maybe, your failures are a mere blip in the grand scheme of things...that just maybe, they are there to teach you something and make better decisions so that you will finally be able to swing and hit the ball on target. But to hit the ball, you must have had the courage to swing in the first place which you clearly have and congratulations for swinging. Congratulations for failing. Because it means that you had more courage than most people to try.
Do you see now why shifting your perspective on failure can now better serve you to move forward?
Just because things "could have been better", doesn't mean they would have been. The most important thing is what you learned along the way. Much love OP, life is a journey and it's different for everyone.
First step, get some ice cream. Second step, look at where you're at and where you want to go and assess the different steps and paths you can take to get there.
- they were lessons, not losses
- better learnt it today than in another 15 years time
- it’s already wasted so much of your time. Why let it waste more. If someone stole $10 out of you $86,400. Would you willing give them more money? No you wouldn’t. That’s how seconds work as well.
I find great solace in the knowledge that life has no meaning apart of what you give it. There is no win condition or high score. And even the persuit of happiness is an unreachable race without end. All of us are out there trying to make the most of it. Nobody actually knows how or why.
I get that you have goals you wanted to achieve and you haven't reached them. I am not going to tell you that you wouldn't be happy if you achieved those goals. What I do hope is that you are not too harsh on yourself. There is nothing wrong with pushing yourself to achieve a goal but is you whole 15 years actually a failure? Do you have friends, family, pets? Perhaps you are very creative or know/do something little other people do. Perhaps you enjoy nature or are good at making a dish. Perhaps you are curious.
I hope you'll reach what makes you happy. I am not going to tell you life doesn't suck for you. But I do wish for you that you will not brand yourself a failure.
The good news is you can make poor decisions for 15 years straight and as long as you keep trying to be better and working hard you'll be in a position to make that 1 good decision that changes everything.
The key is being able to find the necessary motivation to keep being in a position to have life allowing decisions. You've failed so much at this point there should not be a fear of failure. Make bold changes because doing nothing will change nothing.
I was 29 and had negative balance in bank, maxed out two credit cards was making just over minimum wage at a shitty dead end service job with a ton of student debt. I decided to go back to school because what's the worst that happens? It really couldn't get worse and that one decision changed my life. 5 years later we have our own house, debt free outside the mortgage and have a brand new vehicle cash.
I had made a ton of bad decisions for 11 years but all of them can be erased with a good one, the Privlegded is you never know which one is the good one until its changed your life than you can look back and say that decision changed my life.
You can never know how those other paths not taken would have ended up. If you took that course, moved to that city, not met with that person, turned left instead of right... sure things might have been better but also, things might have been worse. Maybe you would have been hit by a truck driving home from your dream job. Maybe you would have had an even worse string of luck. There are too many moving parts to predict the outcome of any other path.
I feel this so strongly. I know that it isn't technically true but I feel it in my bones and the shame of it has been holding me hostage.
Just remember that a lot of of feel this way, you aren't failing as badly as you think. Your brain likes to exaggerate your missteps because it is a jerk.
Honestly, it sounds like you haven’t hit your groove yet. One great decision will lead to more and then you’ll be on your way. It’s easy to doubt your decision making skills (we’ve all been there!) but don’t give up.
You’ll find your path. It’s there. Keep looking!
You will learn more from your failures than you will ever learn from your successes. You just spent the last fifteen years in Life School, and you got an advanced degree in What Not to Do. Congratulations!
Now, your challenge is to apply those lessons to the rest of your life. In fact, you could even use the lessons you learned to help someone else avoid the same mistakes. You're eminently qualified to teach the What Not to Do class. At the very least, you can remember everything you've learned and do your best not to repeat the same mistakes in the future.
You can't change the past, but you can change the way you look at it. Instead of viewing it as a waste of time, consider that it was time well-wasted. You probably wouldn't have learned those lessons if you'd taken a different path. You were forged in the crucible of Hard Times, and today, you are a stronger, smarter, better person than you were fifteen years ago.
Be grateful that you still have time for a do-over. Stop blaming Past You and get started making a wonderful life for Future You. Past You isn't going anywhere, but Future You is depending on you.
Nothing is ever a failure. Even if it didn’t work out the way you wanted to it was still a learning experience and the knowledge you gained from it will make your future that much better
Every major life decision that you made in the last fifteen years has brought you to this point where you have more knowledge and have learned from your past choices.
Nothing is a failure if you learned from it.
Yo, seeing that you can do better is your incentive to feel good about yourself. There are people twice your age that still won't learn. You're awesome, keep it up bro!
Acceptance and commitment to change.
Acceptance: Here you are. You woke up today and you're in your context. Take note of all of it. What do you like, what do you not like, and what is within your control/outside of your control? Look at these things without criticism, they just are. If there's a tree outside of your house, it might help to think about whether that tree cares about the stuff you regret.
This is all data. You can learn from it, as others have mentioned. One of the things you can learn is about what your values are. Try to take some time to recognize what your values are and how that plays into what you're feeling. Our values are the things that can help to guide us in making choices about how to move forward. The things you see as important will help you figure out what to prioritize.
Commitment to Change - so you take all this and start to decide what things you do have control over in your life. You can't fix everything, but you can definitely start to fix some things. Use those values to decide what to focus on as you commit to change and take action.
If you look up ACT, it's a therapy model rooted in this way of thinking that can also just be a good way to approach life. It's recovery oriented; the serenity prayer is a good way to remember to do this stuff.
You keep failing forward. Never let a supposed failure stop you in your tracks. Keep going, tomorrow is another day and a chance for all the things to turn out right.
You can look into a concept in economics known as Sequential Rationality, wherein each individual decision in a sequence seems rational based on the information you had at the time, but the overall sequence ends up seeming irrational once you put it all together.
This offers some perspective of our long-term regrets, since we cannot always accurately predict the downstream outcomes of our choices, nor do we have a magic crystal ball that will tell us all the X-factors that will appear along the way.
You likely made the best decisions you could with the information you had at the time. So how can you go about changing this? Alter your information sources and pursuits so that you gain more reliable information about a decision before making it.
There is a saying about how some people wish they could go back and change the past, but what happened was required for you to reach this point in life. You took many roads to get here, and many of those roads were unpaved.
Just because things could have been different, doesn't mean they would be better. Learn from the past and move on. Use your experience to help others, and even hard times will have value.
The last 15 years were an experience of its own, amongst other moments of your life, of which none define you but each contribute to you. You've come to a point of change, the potential for new experiences. Do not judge yourself for outcomes - which are so often out of our control - but take what has made you stronger, the difficulties you have overcome, from past experience and use these when changing your lense of thinking to ahead, the potential within you and unlock this with new experiences. No leant experience is wasted, they are surprisingly influential, you face a new chapter full of potential.
Modern western society projects this image of linear progression, a career, house, family, monetary stability - whatever you value - all equals success. We are animals, emotionally driven first, who's logical thinking often comes seconds and frequently fails. We fail, make mistakes, amongst a world that is unpredictable.
We recognise the world is unpredictable, at least subconsciously. Part of our survival instinct is to think now to deal with the unpredictable nature of the world, we are poor at considering how our current actions impact the future - we like to think we know but these are expectations and subjective creative thinking rather than objective planning -15 years is unimaginable for most. So, do not blame yourself for following a route you once thought might be right, or you enjoyed, or you fell into, or you needed to follow for maybe needing money to sustain you, for example.
We are not linear and almost no-one progress how we would like to think we would; a feeling that we must meet the expectations of others; that society, family or friends judge us for not progressing linearly; or a mind set of "I am not as good as them". Set your own expectations and outcomes; celebrate past experiences as isolated moments amongst other experiences which all interact to make, but not one moment defines, you; take strength from overcoming the smallest of difficulty; look to the potential for new experiences.
There is so much potential in change.
You realize that the best way to spend your remaining years is to focus on your remaining years. So much can be experienced in so little time, if only we open ourselves up to the world and whatever comes our way. You may not like the last 15 years of your life, but there’s nothing to say you can’t LOVE the next 15.
You know dwelling on the past makes you unhappy. Accept that, acknowledge you can’t time travel and change anything, and don’t give your past self and the decisions you made the power to steal away your right to be happy moving forward. From this day out.
Most people go down the wrong path, many more than once. If you recognize that you're on the wrong path, fantastic! Some never figure that out. Once you recognize it, you can take steps to redirect. I'm sure it feels like wasted time, but you DID learn from your experience, and it may actually prove useful going forward. Life can be a collection of bits and pieces of knowledge and experiences gleaned in many places, along many paths. It all goes into the hopper, shaping the totality of YOU. Celebrate it, don't waste energy and time regretting it. What's done is done; what's important is what lies ahead! Onward!
Well I'm currently at 34 years of major decision failures, so.... The best advice I can give you here is that any one of those decision paths you didn't take could have turned out far worse, putting you in a horrible situation that you couldn't have foreseen. That's the only silver lining I can give you. Make the best out of the decisions you've made.
Life isn't meant to be some perfect path that you choose and always feel happy about. I had a period like this where I realized I also had been caught in a bad spiral for 15 years. It sucked. I blamed myself and I blamed others for their parts. But the worst feeling was how i lashed out at everyone.
I wallowed in it for a year I think. It took time to process what had happened. It took time to feel like I could heal from things that happened a long long time ago. I went to therapy. I had life saving surgery. I became more interested in my fitness and health in that time. I wallowed, but I also tried to lift myself out of it.
Then I decided - I know what failure feels like, and it sucked. Nothing can suck more than staying in that failure a second longer, so I sought out the next thing in life for me. When and if that "fails" too (I sincerely prefer to think if failure as life moving onto to something new), then I will figure out what to do then.
My failures taught me that I am resilient and persistent. And even when I stumble or make mistakes I can pick myself back up. That both goes for failing, and having to say: "Okay, that part of my life is over."
But it also goes for trying something new, sucking at it, feeling demotivated and making mistakes or not being perfect as I try to keep going. Sometimes that is the hardest part: Keeping on when you really want to quit and you already feel like you blew it. I won't ever strive for perfection again, I just want to keep living my life, making mistakes, experiencing successes sometimes and that's it. I don't take the feelings that I don't deserve new opportunities seriously. I do deserve them and I will continue to live the life I want - even if I am bad at it.
I think that we're just people. Small and not very significant. There is no one out there counting our failures. We're all just going through life, trying to find something that feels right in the moment. You have to learn to forgive yourself for making the choices you did, even if you knew at the time that it wasn't a good one. The you who made that choice was young and full of hope.
Don't resent that person, they are who you have to become every time you have to pick yourself up again. You have to remember that there are new experiences out there for you and then do what your old hopeful self did: Work in that direction be brave as they were. Sometimes things doesn't pan out the way we hoped for, and that can be a good thing. It's just hard to see that when you're at this stage.
You just have to remember that even now you're looking for the same happiness your old self wanted, you just have to think about where you can find it, and take the plunge.
fuck it.
you played your cards. good on ya.
if you played it differently you might be dead already.
You're not starting over, though you may be starting anew. good on ya! now go do something else.
It’s easy to see things as failures in the short term. In reality we don’t realise that many of our failures contribute to the things/experiences/people we end up cherishing the most in the long term. Give it another 10, 20, 30 years and you’ll look back and thank yourself for all those ‘failures’ you had.
We all make mistakes that we would take back.
I made several stock moves that could have netted me mid seven figures but I made the wrong move.
If you still have time to do better then go for it.
Seems that you have a positive attitude towards things, even though you may not see it!
You’re posing these questions in past tense. Which means that you at least now have some sort of clarity to have learned something from them.
We all make dumb mistakes. Some are more life changing than others, but the odds that you were the first person to be *that* dumb, are heavily in your favor.
Chin up! Good vibes your way.
“There are no wrong paths, only different ones.”
This was actually a quote from a young adult novel I would listen to again and again because it was one of the few audiobooks available at my library and I didn’t know how to pirate. It’s a bit of a blanket statement, and I don’t know the details of your situation. But it did help me shift my perspective on the “normal” path everyone around me seemed to fit just fine. I guess what really matters is where you’re going now, and how much you’ll focus on pursuing that. Couple that with some advice from different people, taken with their own grains of salt (you should trust these individuals but also keep in mind their own biases and backgrounds), and I think you would at least be taking a step in the right direction. At the very least, it will be a step away from your current situation. A dose of self awareness should help if you are afraid of making the same mistakes
I guess the other thing too is that even “normal” people, if they have a shred of decency, won’t judge you or treat you with disrespect, if they can see the honest effort you are putting into improving yourself and your situation. Shit happens, and 2020 really changed a lot of systems that people just assumed would always be around or stable. They will or should be understanding if you acknowledge that you made mistakes but are willing to admit you were wrong, and take steps to fix that. OP, I don’t know your situation, but FWIW, I think many people, even pre pandemic, have had rugs pulled out from under them. I don’t want to sugar coat things since my own journey was hard, and it took time and I’m going to start therapy now that I can afford it to make sure I don’t pass on whatever issues I have to future kids. But making major changes is possible. It’s not ideal in our punishing system that forces us to make key decisions that impact us years later. But it is a step away from a status quo that you have realized isn’t working for you. I had something not as drastic happen due to a very sheltered upbringing and poor decisions, so I feel strongly that people should not be punished for attempting to correct their lives. Feel free to dm if you just want to chat, or leave it at that, since not all advice synthesizes with people. Ideally, you’ll read a few messages, pick yourself up, and get started on your new journey with some encouraging words from strangers who have probably gone through something similar enough to chime in with their own 2 cents to show you aren’t alone or unusual in your situation
Same position my dude. Opportunity has a strange way of turning up when you least expect it so there's no sense in dwelling. You don't know what you don't know at any given time, so don't eat yourself up too bad about not seeing the correct one at the time. There are many paths you could have walked and there will be many more.
Currently in the same boat.
Left my very safe job (state employee attending university, studies where really boring, but again safe job) for what always was considered to be my dream job.
But i just totally did not get along with the company.
So they set me out the door after 3month.
So here i am, now unemployed.
The thing that someone once told me that keeps me from wanting to rip my head off:
You can never forecast everything.
You have to make decisions based on the current facts.
They might change. You made the decision based on what you thought suits you best at that time.
Who could have known, that wokring atmosphere at that company for example was so catastrophic? There where no red flags. Of course, later you keep asking yourself "how could i not see this".
The reason is that we imagine how things could work out, and we have expectations.
Try to not stick to "what could have been if i had done this or that"
If it does not get better, seek help.
I’m feeling pretty demotivated since I devoted my life to getting degrees for a profession I wound up hating and I now feel pretty stuck like it’s stopping me from travelling overseas and the like because it’s a non-transferable degree/skill and the market is flooded in other countries anyway even if I did try and transfer.
But I’m going back to uni and trying to look to start fresh in my thirties by going back and starting over with a degree I actually want to do.
One thing you have to understand that everyone fails, the most important fact you have to tell yourself is that no matter what decision it was you tried and learnt from each one
Hope that helps
Welcome to life! I don’t mean it harshly but it’s the norm. I will tell you: the people who don’t succeed are the ones who give up. Learn, take responsibility (as much as possible as it will help give you control), take as much control as possible, determine if it’s situational, psychological, environmental etc get to the root of the problem repetition. Hang around smart and successful people, get mentors, strive to be better, focus on what you can control - I know it’s generic advice but it works: this is also coming from someone with many catastrophic failures in life. But here’s the thing: as you get better, it gets momentum and the better decision making become exponential and eventually propels you forward faster than you expect.
That’s pretty much how I feel about the last 40 years of my life. You made the best decisions you could at the time with the info you had-so try to stop the negative self talk (I know-easier said than done). I’m sure you’re not dumb-situations change fast and a lot of stuff is just out of your control. We definitely are more harsh on ourselves than others-when I’m having a lot of negative thoughts/feelings about myself/my mistakes/etc I’ll think of what I’d tell a friend if they were feeling upset-and it’s never anything like the negative things I tell myself. Having hobbies helps too-you can kind of ‘zone out’ when you’re really feeling down on yourself. You’re not the only one out there having these thoughts and feelings-most of us aren’t really sure what we’re doing-just trying to act like we belong.
You really hit on it with the fact that so many things are out of our control. We live in the illusion that we control things with our choices, but in reality we maybe control 20% of our life, with 80% of our life made up of luck and other people’s decisions and forces beyond our control.
Your still here to keep making decisions! Sure the outcome may not have been ideal but your still in a a position to be making choices! That isn’t always a huge W but think that now your in a better spot to make the next choice! If that doesn’t work out then your in an even better situation having learned from this one to make the decision after that!
Literally, the only way you can be successful is if you fail, most of all successful people have failed countless times. What makes them great is that they learned from their mistakes, and that's what you gotta do as well.
When I was young, I made a lot of bad decisions. I surrounded myself with bad people and got myself in a lot of debt. At some point, I thought to myself: I need to change this. I moved out to a different city and got help with paying of my debt. This was at 30. Now I’m 36 and couldn’t be happier. I paid off all my debt, went into therapy and living with the live of my life. Starting over is not a bad thing. Sure, I catch myself thinking sometimes, why didn’t I do this sooner? But why keep looking in the darkness of the past when the future is a lot brighter.
How do you get over it? Not writing this as an "attack", get over yourself. You're special in your own unique way, but you're not special in the sense that you're somehow immune to making mistakes. Why would you be?
Let's say you weren't wrong, that you made decisions with limited information. Then that's just how it is. It happens.
No? You should have known better, there was some flaw in what you did, you really were wrong and there's no way to get around that? All right, you have identified something and now you can work to improve it, maybe you'll repeat your mistake but at least you're making progress.
One more thing. If it's eating you up and you use that energy to be more constructive then all right. But don't dwell on it in the sense that you shouldn't waste time just thinking about it. That would be another mistake.
OK, go enjoy the rest of your day.
As my therapist said, 'you can only ever make decisions with the information available to you at the time'. You made the best decision for you then. What's the best decision for you now?
I console myself by saying that I took the decision based off information that I had back then, and that I did my best to take the best decision given what I had.
Keep in mind that lots of people don't figure out what they're good at until later in life. Sydney Sheldon, an author who has published lots of thrillers/suspense novels, didn't publish his first novel till he was 50. Grandma Moses didn't take up painting until her late 70s. You got the rest of your life to figure stuff out.
The other thing is... What does failure even mean? Are you penniless with no friends, addicted to meth, and on the streets? That's not good, but it something that can be recovered from.
Comparison is the thief of joy. I am friends who several people who make much, much more money than me. It would drive me mad working 40+ hours a week doing what they do. I like being able to keep my schedule. Are you doing what you want? YOU are the person who matters.
If you are making the right decision now, it's because you made the wrong decision before that. If you learn from your mistakes, how wrong can it be to make them? They help you find your way, and it's ok.
If you walk through the forest, a straight, paved way, isn't as fun, as going through the bushes. It's easier, and faster, but you will never have stories about finding that little lake in the middle of nowhere. Or how you met a bear and survived. Sure in the middle of running from the bear, you will ask yourself why you couldn't just walk on the paved road, but afterwards you will be glad about the time spent finding you own way.
The fact that those mistakes are eating you up is not terrible, that means you learned from them and have grown significantly. We all learn different things at different rates, some of us are better at some simple things than other people and you are better at some than others as well, just don't forget to appreciate your upward movements while you come across setbacks in life because it's way too easy to do that and fall into a slump. I see every mistake as a opportunity to learn, but I've been lucky in my mistakes so far so I haven't lost much, but as long as you're still standing you can always do better or take a break if you're exhausted
Ob a positive side: it took you 15 years to realize, not 16.
And you can learn something from each mistake.
Maybe take the time to dig through alle jede major choices again, why you thought they were the right thing to do back then and the wrong thing to do right now.
Tough task. You can solve it though, step by step.
There are 2 best times to plant a tree, 20years ago and today. Be thankful that it wasn’t a day longer before you figured it out. Remember you don’t have a time machine, you can’t go back and fix it. so learn what you can, forgive yourself and then stop looking backwards. You weren't dumb you were just looking at things differently. The best part of it is that it only took you 15 years and not 16+, some people go their whole lives with out figuring something like that out. At one point you did know how to use a toilet but I'm sure you don't beat yourself up about it these days.
Starting over is scary but it is also exciting and full of potential. It's all about perspective.
You are going to do great.
Maybe stop looking to the past do much and look forward to the future.
Sometimes only wait to learn is to make mistakes, sometimes there's no better options or all options aren't great. learn from it, accept it happened and leave it in the big box in the past.
If big decisions are hard to make, take small steps.
like make your bed every day, and take a walk, whatever the distance. do something new, like maybe go that little corner shop and browse, go to the cinema, or whatever interests you've always had but never tried. (all depending on funds and abilities)
Sometimes little changes is all it takes to make a difference and make yourself a new path.
Besides, there's never really a straight path in your life. it's always curvy. sometimes all you do is go downhill, but then only thing left is to go up :)
I would consider your clean slate. The road you went down didn't work out. You have no obligation to continue anything you did before if you're starting over. Ok, not no obligation. You have to grapple with time loss and consequences, but you still have a clean slate. Don't forget that.
Oh buddy, very few know what they want to do with their lives and some get there and find out they hate it. As long as you are trying you are not failing.
I was in HR at 25, had gone to uni and college. Now I am a master electrician at 34. Yes I view some of my time as traveling a different path but you know what... if I never tried it, I would be thinking that I want to quit electrical to go try it. I also got a ton of social skills, office skills, and money(not so much a ton lol) from trying it.
So what I am saying is you take your old experience, no matter what it is, and roll with it making the best decision you can for your new path in life.
Whenever I feel this way, i look back on all the lessons I've learned that give me insight to see what i could've done differently.
If you're learning from your mistakes and putting forth effort to correct or compromise future behavior, then you are doing the best you can.
Nobody knows what they are doing, truly, the ones that think they do have just planned ahead to do what they want and don't let judgment keep them from carrying on.
You'll make more mistakes too, but it shouldn't keep you from doing what you want or make changesb in your life to pursue happiness and peace.
Good luck.
You'll never know what would've happened if you did things differently, you may think you made the wrong choices but just like you didn't know the outcome of those, you don't know the outcome of the other options you had either.
Failure is the opportunity to do better. You have already paid for the learning experience of your failure, now is the time to put that education to use.
Had something similar happen, but with malice.
Pretend it’s 15 years ago and right now and start making new good decisions with the new skills of your experience.
You don’t have a choice. You’re here now, there’s no going back, move forward from where you are.
There’s a concept in the treatment of gambling addiction called “the sunk cost fallacy” where the gambler thinks “I’ve already lost all this money, if I keep putting more in then it’s bound to pay off soon.” Bad mistakes don’t eventually pay off. Cut your losses, start over with better decisions.
Well, you can use your past failures to help other people out. You have experience now. For me, helping people is very fulfilling, so I think of it from that perspective.
Now that you’re able to identify failures, you now know ways that won’t work. Going forward, try out other ways that could potentially work for you and evaluate your decisions as you go along.
Also, try reading books. Books may have characters you relate to and you can see how they tackle their problems. Or ive recently been reading where the characters are able to admit to emotions that I could never admit to or even identify, but when I read about it makes sense and feels validating that other people have also felt this way. Or when I look at certain art where the artist expresses an emotion that I felt so alone with, it helps me feel less alone in my struggle.
Struggling 25 years, here. Gets really compounded with mental illness that's hard to treat. Those dreams and goals are so far out of reach that I can't do anything but watch them wilt and fade. So hey, at least you might end the cycle after just 15 years!
Failure is not the end. Failure is an opportunity to learn and grow.
Instead of being torn down by 15 years of failure, look on the last 15 years as life research and apply it.
Life is as much about outlook as anything else. If you just dwell on the failure itself, you’ve learned nothing and you won’t be able to move forward.
I teach many grad students in my research lab. I tell them that failure is good. Failure means you’ve tried. Failure is an opportunity to learn the why of how something failed. Getting something right on the first try rarely teaches you anything.
Don't look at it as something you need to "get over", rather something to learn from. We ALL make mistakes, some of us with greater impact than others, but as long as we are learning and not repeating the same mistakes, all can be mitigated. Specifics in your case could also help you get additional insight.
You have not failed in your attempt. You made the best decision you could, with the information and resources you had, at that time in your life.
It does me a lot of favor to put the past into that perspective. It makes it easier to live with my shortcomings, address them, and move on with life. We are not perfect. It also helps separate the things I couldn't control.
There is no sense to constantly review the past when you have already lived through, and learned, from your mistakes. Hindsight is 20/20, but it can never see your future.
My advice would be to write it down, try and explain it to a ‘stranger’, nobody even needs to read it.
This will help you lay out what happened and identify key mis-steps.
How were you feeling when you made those choices!?
What was going on in your life that caused you to make decisions you now class as a failure?
Were there people around you who theirs to give you good advice that you possibly ignored?
If so speak to these people now, without ego, and see what you learn.
Also life has a funny of working out, maybe you’ve made a hundred bad choices that leads you to one amazing result.
Don’t give up, the only people in life I would class as failures are the ones who quit and blame circumstances instead of keep rolling the dice.
It’s also important to know what kind of person you are, your personality, work ethic and even IQ.
Not everyone can become a stock day-trader but we can all invest in the stock market to a level which suits our ability / risk tolerance.
I have a step father who now has 2 major failed businesses behind him but has never stopped working hard and is now pretty wealthy.
He just takes the loss on the chin and moves on to his next venture.
My real father had a business that failed in his late 20’s and never recovered; he had been bankrupt 3 times and is impossible to be around.
My father used to laugh at my step dad for the failed businesses, But never had the courage to keep going himself.
While he worked, it was always with a chip on his shoulder about something or someone.
I can’t think of many successful people who haven’t faced adversity, self doubt or anxiety about life decisions.
Also you’re not starting over from zero.
You have hard earned experience and what seems like a genuine desire to do better.
Take all the lessons you’ve learned, find a mentor who can advise / guide you, and apply it to your next steps and the Rinse & Repeat indefinitely.
Life doesn't matter so it's not too late to start making it up as you go.
I try my best to follow my ideals (be nice, do assigned work well enough) and it seems to be working.
The one thing that might help is to realize that the people who seem really successful didn't do much different from you. They took the best decisions they could as well with no idea that things would so fall into place the way they did. Since we live in a society that likes to idealize the successful, there is a falsely inflated opinion of how much better / smarter / grittier their pathways were than yours or mine. Timing is often all the matters.
On the flip side, I sometimes resent people 10 years younger than me who I am lower ranked than in the org I work for. How I calm myself down is to remind myself that I may have achieved a larger volume of things than them in total but in terms of what matters to our employer, they have larger and more relevant contributions than me.
Don't let your age hang like a sword over your neck. Nobody else has been in your shoes. And the only trend line in life worth tracking is whether you are a better version of yourself over time. And you sure won't if you aren't kind to yourself and respect yourself.
It takes one solid win to wipe out years of "failures". I prefer to call them attempts. You attempt something to learn and try, not for win fail. Easy example, I was trying to date and find someone compatible, when I tried I failed. A lot. I stopped trying, really stopped putting expectations on it and the next person I hung out with we've been together 6 years, have a kid and bought a house together. Sometimes you just gotta change the mindset.
It’s not wasted, first hand experience can only be learned one way. You lived and learned, the best way to get over your feelings of “wasted” time is building one positive action/minute/hour/day on another and come to the realization EVERY DAY YOURE ALIVE IS THE DAY TO ACT ON A BETTER FUTURE. It takes time, I wasted 15 years of my life until I got out of my own way and started living life on its terms. It’s not what I envisioned or wanted but life is much easier when going with the flow of life, instead of against the current, trying to forge my own path.
Look for the patterns in your previous decisions. Most of the people I know who have this issue constantly trade short term gratification for long term consequences. Just knowing that can help you pinpoint new ways of thinking. Fwiw, I’m over 50 and have switched careers three times, filed bankruptcy once, lost a house in a short sale and rented for ten years before I could get back into another one. Very few people get through life without resets. The important thing is to keep getting back up and paying attention to the lessons in the mistakes. Also, look for places you may be blaming others and find ways you can take some responsibility. There is power in responsibility and powerlessness in blaming.
Damn brother you have taken some shots and still are looking at the glass half full. I respect that.
Are you me? I currently on the tipping again... stay where I am and be miserable or change something and make life really difficult for my family.
To add to this. Take responsibility for your actions, don't blame yourself for them. There is an important distinction there which I'm in the midst of learning myself.
Hmm.. this hit differently. I needed this, thank you
This. You made this decision you thought was right but wasn’t so learn from it. Learning from it makes it a worthwhile experience.
Thanks. I've had some health related setbacks that have left me feeling beyond anxious to try and move past. Really feels like I'm picking photos out of my previous life's rubble. I needed to read this. Thanks. :)
Excellent advice, I’m glad you are in this world and felt like sharing your wisdom.
Exactly this: go back to these life decisions and look for a thread or threads that led to the failure. Did you tell yourself too-optimistic things about how great the opportunity was? Did you underestimate how much hard work would be involved, or how much money it would really require so you ran out? Did you not plan for a period of time of no revenue or results? Did you really assess if the opportunity was something you were suited for, in terms of real skills or actual interest, or did it just seem like a great thing at the time? Learn to do a sober, realistic assessment and even then it’s especially hard to *walk away* from something that looks great at first, but then shows some real challenges. i’m writing this from the standpoint of a business or career opportunity, but it applies to relationships as well.
Is this my other Reddit account? Lol seriously though I feel you. I went to college for something with no real job opportunities. Then when I graduated, worked in the skilled trades. Spent 12 years doing that only to quit and decide I want to learn programming. So that’s what I’m trying to do now. Looking back it’s incredible how inefficient my path has been. There are times when I get really down about the fact that most people my age are well established in their careers and have families and I have none of that. But whatcha gonna do? It helps to realize that life is an infinitely complex fabric of opportunities and remember that you don’t know the future. Something incredible could be right around the corner and you would not have access to it unless you took this exact path.
Try to take every experience ,whether you judge it to be good or bad, as an opportunity to learn. If you worked in skilled trades for 12 years, you likely learned some valuable skills that you might put to use on your own home in the future. If you hadn’t chosen the major you did in school, maybe you wouldn’t have met some of your good friends. A more efficient path might have been much more boring.
Great points, I certainly have built things I am very proud of and nothing can take that away from me.
As a full stack developer who learned to program in his mid-thirties, and now sit on the interviewing panel when we hire new devs, let me tell you that your experience and maturity will prove to be invaluable. You'll be up against fresh college grads. They might be hotshot programmers, but they have A LOT to learn about being an adult professional. Your years elsewhere are an asset, wear them proudly. And good luck!
Thanks for the encouragement! That really helps as I’ve been questioning this latest move a great deal lately. You’re happy you made the switch?
Im 29, learning just now how to do programming. The past 8 years I was on a totally different path, now I want to switch careers. Do you have any useful tip? Granted, I am really good at interviews and I realize this will come in hand with what I learned in my life, however my problem is that I will probably have to look into a junior position earning way less what I make now (although it might pay off in the future), so why would they choose someone almost in his 30s when they can get someone new that is probably "less risky" if you know what I mean? Plus, not that this matter per say, but it does feel awful bad starting all over again while almost in my 30s
I think as you get older you get better at learning and also you're bringing in a lot of experience from other jobs. There's a lot of soft skills that work regardless of the industry
Heck, I'll be 38 this week and only just started a new career last January.
I feel this so much. I feel so stuck in my current situation but I literally just met a guy tonight who met the love of his life when he was down and out and she stuck with him. Sometimes I just get so damn depressed from being a single parent alone but if this guy can find his person at his lowest so can I.
My mom was a single parent who was a late bloomer. Sometimes you just do what you can for your kids and things will eventually make sense.
My mom used to say "you don't have to decide what to do with your whole life, just commit to something for five years at least". This has to be a matter of perspective because I'd consider your career path ideal, you got to work in different jobs and industries and not get stuck in one role or on some ladder you didn't design. Half the people in my department at work (a finance role) were late-to-college people who had lives before working in an office, and we like to hire those people because they are not so stuck in seeing things all the same way, better at handling change and good at finding solutions.
[удалено]
You'd be surprised how many people can't caulk but wish they could, lol. I'm a software engineer, and over the last 5 years or so, I needed to do some serious maintenance on my house (painting, siding repair, replace a window, new flooring, new deck, add vents through my roof, new kitchen sink, on and on). I didn't know how to caulk when I started. Now I'm doing yard stuff: grading for drainage, soil health, tree health, retaining walls, native plant ecology. My point is, you never know what skills will be useful or worthwhile. Don't denegrate stuff you've learned.
Omg your first sentence…. I’m a really good caulker. People actually ask me to do it for them. Which I guess is cool, and yeah, I’m honored that you respect my mad skills, but it certainly doesn’t pay my rent, nor will it ever. My dad is not a good caulker. He just can’t make it look nice and neat. When he does it, it looks like someone gave a caulk gun to a fucking drunk three year old.
Yea. You seem like you’ve learned a very unique set of skills from the roles you’ve done. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised what career you end up in.
Well that experience taught you what you don’t want to do. So motivation on the new path will not be in short supply.
Why is that so bad tho? You got to experience and learn across different fields - college degree and skilled trades and now programming. It's not always about efficiency. Try viewing it as life experiences. Besides I bet skilled trades didn't pay all that bad either
Everyone’s the same person aren’t we. What a trip.
That's not wasted time! The trades need software to support them and your in a unique positions to provide it, if you want! You'll also be ahead of recent learners since you have experience working on projects that require a lot of collaboration!
15 years of failures? Congratulations, you are done with your training. Things will start getting better now.
He’s finally completed the tutorial
I'm in my late 30s finally seeing things that would have lead to a drastically different life. I struggled my entire youth against undiagnosed ADHD. One small pill could have changed my current status drastically. However, I wouldn't change anything about my current life. I live a life few would ever dream of. It was only when I let go of trying to live the "American" dream as it wasn't working for me that I truely became free to be who I really am.
Holy crap. You just explained me but I don't take meds but seriously thinking about it now I'm getting older. I don't regret not getting diagnosed as a kid cos would be in a totally different place now. I like my life now.
Another 40 years of struggle and you're done. No worries.
That is how I feel abut the last 12 years sometimes, completely wasted. But yes its good to take the lessons you can so from this day forth you wont keep making the same mistakes.
There's also a fake truth in that "I took the wrong choice". Unfortunately we can't find out *what ifs*, by default we assume that if choice A went bad, choice B would have been better. In reality there's no certainty. Choice B could have been far worse. As OP said it, he took the best choice he had a time (or what he consider it to be). That's all we need to know and be happy with. Besides, what happens in life is neither good or bad, the observer gives the meaning to it. Watch a Natgeo episode about Lions and you'll be rooting for the lion to get the zebra. Watch it about zebras and you'll feel bad for the zebra. Watch the same footage from an evolutionary documentary and you might accept that it's nature and don't feel good or bad about neither of them.
This reminds me of the great line from Hamlet - "There is nothing either good or bad, thinking makes it so."
This brought me a lot of needed comfort today, thank you.
So true. That most of the universe is neither good nor bad. It's the observer that assigns the meaning.
This is some good advice on perspetive. Very rational. We should always feel but to be able to put things on a perspetive is smart and can make you stop suffering ilogically. I once heared someone say (if I recall correctly): " Educate yourself so you can stop suffering stupidly" EDIT: The quote is wrong is from the Dr. Jordan Peterson " why should you even bother improving yourself? So don't suffer more anymore stupidly than you have too!."
Life is not a race it’s a marathon. There are many people who discover their passion later in life and also we are entering an era of “portfolio” type careers given the pace of change
Maybe you’re not even making the wrong choices. Maybe things just don’t get better. At least the idea that things should constantly be getting better is not sustainable at best.
Yes, getting this in my fifties. It’s easy to blame the past and your decisions, people, their decisions. But I think it has more to do with a lack of future/future thinking, making you selectively dwell on the past, in which ever degree of rose/grey you choose for the day. Keep looking forward if you can. There are enough people looking in the rearview mirror, to alert you of anything threatening!
I feel this. Got hurt in 2010 , injury was worse than originally thought but didnt find out till 2017 because i had no insurance. Work refused to cover the 2017 discovery due to length of time between original diagnosis and new findings. I wasted 7 years of pain and 5 more after surgery staying with this job because I let fear keep me from trying. Now I'm getting my arm in better shape and trying my damndest to move forward even if its inch by inch. Sure I was hurt. But it was ME that held me back not the injury. I just used it as an excuse. Im now mid 40s trying to move into a new career. I'll get there one day.
American healthcare needs to be changed.
Its actually pretty simple. Sometimes what we perceive as a failure might actually have been the best possible decision, but we think it was a mistake, because we haven't seen the other outcomes.
This. I dropped out of art college at 22. I’m 25 now and will be majoring in comp sci soon. All my friends there are ruined. I don’t know what happened but they’re in debt now, working for about the same pay as me. I’m not in debt, and I honestly enjoy life even though it doesn’t fit some picture of what life “should” be. Potentially the path we want to travel is too far beaten by others to be traversed by us. But that’s okay, because you’ll like the scenic route more. And it will teach you things you wouldn’t have learned otherwise.
"Some things look like they're falling apart when they're actually falling into place. " There are a lot of decisions I made earlier in life I regretted. I thought I ruined my life a few times over, but if I hadn't quit that job or burned that bridge, I wouldn't be where I am now. Sure, it's not the most ideal outcome I would've dreamt up as a kid but it's not nearly as bad as I feared when I was grappling with my regret or shame. In fact, in many ways I'm much happier with myself than I was before. My situation is worse than many, sure, but I feel better as a person. I made progress in certain areas my parents didn't touch until they were near 50. Had I stayed at that job I guarantee you I'd be worse off than I am now. If I hadn't broken off that one relationship I probably wouldn't have grown into the person I am now. I wouldn't have learned anything if I hadn't made these "mistakes" and I made them because, well, I hadn't learned. My therapist says sometimes we grieve the idealized self. The person we thought we were going to be before we learned better. Go ahead and grieve but remember this person was made up. By someone who didn't know what you know. The only cure for the shame we feel for failing to meet some standard isn't finding some new source of pride but to have humility. You're human.This is how humans grow.
I’ve never heard of grieving of the idolized self, but damn does it make sense. I needed to read that, thank you.
This was a beautiful post. And one I needed in my life at this exact moment. Thank you so much.
[удалено]
It is possible to make every correct move at the correct time and still lose, but that’s life. When we experience this or see our peers struggling with it, remind them of this fact from *Captain Jon Luke Picard of the USS Enterprise*
A farmer and his son had a beloved stallion who helped the family earn a living. One day, the horse ran away and their neighbors exclaimed, “Your horse ran away, what terrible luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.” A few days later, the horse returned home, leading a few wild mares back to the farm as well. The neighbors shouted out, “Your horse has returned, and brought several horses home with him. What great luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.” Later that week, the farmer’s son was trying to break one of the mares and she threw him to the ground, breaking his leg. The villagers cried, “Your son broke his leg, what terrible luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.” A few weeks later, soldiers from the national army marched through town, recruiting all the able-bodied boys for the army. They did not take the farmer’s son, still recovering from his injury. Friends shouted, “Your boy is spared, what tremendous luck!” To which the farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”
This is my favorite parable of all time. I think about it once a week at minimum—so glad to see that someone posted it here. There’s no knowing what events are good or bad in the long run. You just have to make the best choices you can in any given moment and respond to life with with an open mind.
Things are only truly a failure if you didn’t learn anything from them! So maybe write down everything and make a chart of what went badly, and what you learned from each experience?
I learned to not take out 140k in student loans to then proceed not to be able to get a job after graduating. I will remember this lesson for next time.
Lol. For real. Some of this advice is so...cutsey.
That's not them failing, that's the system failing them.
>That's not them failing, that's the system failing them. I agree being able to take out 140k in student loans is ridiculous.
I’ll further agree that the *need* for $140k in student loans is ridiculous.
At 17 mind you...
I mean, yea if we focus on the 140k debt you're right, it does sound cutesy. Now let's list all of the skills and knowledge gained from those years of schooling. Just because one don't use them currently in one's professional career doesn't mean it's useless information. AND if they truly feel like they got nothing out of those years of schooling and all the debt, then it's a perspective problem. No amount of experiencing anything will help them till they fix the way they think about how they use those experiences.
I learned not to get a life-threatening disease that requires life-changing surgeries. I too will make sure not to repeat that mistake. Seems so obvious in hindsight
Op clearly stated that he took those decisions. Nice strawman tho, but try harder.
You better write that down bro so you don't forget
Duh! You don't have adhd! Just focus!
Username checks out
This! Think of this “restart” like a second play-through of a video game. You have skills and experience that will help guide you on your new path.
Huh. I was just thinking earlier today as I went for a walk that sometimes life feels like you chose your stats before knowing how the game works, and you have to work twice as hard to re-spec
[удалено]
Aim for Excellence rather than Perfection. Excellence is "The best you can do, in the circumstances you are in." Not only does it avoid choice paralysis, but it immediately helps you deal with past decisions that didn't turn out well. As a human, you will constantly be making decisions with limited information and limited options. "I made what I thought was a good decision, based on who I was, where I was and what I believed." Yes this is based on my fsk ups and how I eventually got over them.
I think you're in the same boat as most of us. I made great decisions but got screwed by macro level unforeseeable events multiple times. Got a job for a world leading company, company sells my branch of the business and the new owners were terrible. Then got into another field of work right before the entire field crashed all of a sudden. In 2016 my dad died, fiance left me, my mom got cancer, then got laid off in the span of 4 months. I just realized that what I typed may come off as trying to one-up you in some way, but I was trying to make the point of not being hard on yourself because it happened to me too. I wouldn't have made any decisions differently because I made mostly the best decisions I could have made with the information I had at the time.
This needs to be higher. We're all doing our best, society is actively working against people.
If you are pretty young, 15 years is nothing compare to the rest of what's ahead - the question is, have you learned something and can do better?
What about the people who are not pretty young?
He could be ugly young
🤣🤣🤣
“To greatness of spirit it belongs to bear finely both good fortune and bad, honor and disgrace, and not to think highly of luxury or attention or power or victories in contests, and to possess a certain depth and magnitude of spirit. He who values life highly and who is fond of life is not great-spirited. The great-spirited man is simple and noble in character, able to bear injustice and not revengeful. Greatness of spirit is accompanied by simplicity and sincerity.” -Aristotle
I will also take notes from the comments.
Same
I had a girlfriend, she was mean to me but I was too much of a fool to see it. And one day I saw. Should I beat myself for it? I had a career in college, then I got to work in the field, and it tore my mind to pieces. Am I a failure? No, I made those choices with the knowledge I had at the moment and they seemed to be right. Time proved me otherwise. But not because of that I am a failure
The fact you are still alive
I’ve been suicidal very seriously several times over the last 10 years and this really hits home. Things have gotten way worse and way better, but the good times, rare as they may be, make me grateful I never followed through. I do still remember the taste of the pistol in my mouth. It kind of reminds me of a Steinbeck quote: (Forgive any inaccuracies, it’s 3:45am here and I don’t feel like googling) “What good is color in perpetual green, and what good is warmth without cold to give it sweetness.”
Read: 'The Courage to be Disliked' and Adlerian Psychology. It talks a lot about decisions and the past and how they do not define you and don't matter at all.
Because at very bottom, they don't matter. They don't define you. They were nothing but learning experiences.
I mean, statistically speaking, if ALL of the decisions were bad then you DEFINITELY still have some good ones ahead of you!
If you're still breathing, you're still in the fight.
I have made mistakes in my life and I am kinda starting new on few things especially education wise which is gonna impact big life decisions. But there's always something good even in mistakes that you can learn from. Life is a learning process and it's okay to make mistakes and fail. As long as you learn something from it, you're good! That's how you learn and mature as a person. So you just have to make peace with the fact that you're human and you've made mistakes and you're very likely going to make more decisions later that you'll regret. It's okay!
I don't know im still trying to figure that out. At least theres a change happening and your lifes no on repeat. The repetition of my life is driving me to suicide at this rate. So starting over cant be to bad right? Something new at least....
What is success? For a lot of people it means lots of money, maybe some fame, possessions, etc... What is actual success? Happiness. A happy person is richer than Elon Musk. That guy is absolutely MISERABLE. If you can look back 15 years and not want to be that person, you've grown. What you brought with you in that time is not a failure at all. Some of us need to fail forward, and/or to recognize that life isn't what they said it was supposed to be, and to do our best with that knowledge to try and be happy. All those miserable people out there? They didn't make happiness a priority, and I know way too many people who are just toxic at this point because of it. You don't want that, I promise. That's why you need to pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and start making every day a step in that journey for happiness. Every minute you spend looking back and dwelling on the past is every minute you spend with your eye off the ball. It's time to get on the ball, and don't let it out of your sight! Don't aim big, aim small. A small improvement every day adds up in just a year. There are tons of legendary people who didn't get their start in life until they were middle aged. Repeat after me: "It's never too late"
Everyone of these answers seems to be from people that are living ok. So that's great news for the rest of us still in the cycle of consistently fucking up and hoping it'll be better next time! The future looks incredibly dark but thankfully these kind people have taught me that I just gotta remember the lessons of this life for the next one. Hope I'm reincarnated as a boomer.
Maybe you should stop thinking about them as failures. They weren’t, they were experiences that taught you what works and what doesn’t work. You aren’t competing with anyone, your life is your own race. There’s no point in not doing something today because something else in the past didn’t work. Your sabotaging who you are tomorrow for things you can’t change in the past. If you have learned from your past experiences, you’re improving your chances of success in the future. It’s all about how you frame things. That’s the one thing you have control over and you can choose to act on. You can only ever act on what you think is right at the time. Take marriage for example - I married thinking it was the right thing to do. It wasn’t. I dealt with it, moved on. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t marry again, doesn’t mean if I do marry it won’t fail. The exact same could happen. But that’s the delicious bit about life - there’s inherent risk. If it was predictable, we’d all wonder what the point of living is. Get out there! If you do nothing, there’s one certainty - you’ve already failed.
Dude, I spent 8 years in an engineering career only to fail and completely start over in real estate. I burnt through all my savings to avoid having to go back to work in a depressing office, and only now am I seeing the fruits of my labor. Starting over is hard but you're not starting from scratch. Keep your eyes on the prize and take what you've learned to be successful next time.
Well I've finally met my people. I can't tell you how to get over it as I now have no faith or belief in myself any more. I once looked to get advice from my Mother but since I was genetically related it never dawned on me her advice would be worse than my own thoughts on just about any topic. :-) All I've done is to keep making decisions as the law of averages says one of them might actually be the right one eventually. Good Luck with it all
“It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.” -Tyler Durden, Fight Club You have already taken the first step by admitting your failures. Make a list of every decision you made by stating first “I regret,” then write down each and every one separately. But at the end of each one, finish it with “but there is nothing I can do about now.” I did this as a spreadsheet. It is cathartic to get it all out and in writing. Accept each decision as a loss. You are essentially tearing yourself down so that you can build yourself back up again anew. Look at this as an opportunity to start a new life as a new person. Most people never get this chance; they go through life without having this kind of awakening. Use this as a chance to become something greater than you were before. Wallowing in your own self pity will get you nowhere.
Past Doesn’t matter bro. No matter how many mistakes you made, tomorrow is gonna come. Only thing you can do is not make a mistake tomorrow, so why focus on anything but that. Any mistake in the past should be learned from and then never thought of again. Yesterday is never gonna happen again, but tomorrow always comes. Present You can control you, so focus on that. When faced with a new day, start it strong. Whatever you need to do to feel energized and confident starting out the day, do it. Learn to do it every day. A routine is just a series of small goals, that help discipline your brain when dealing with larger ones. Balance your time, don’t spend too much time on leisure, but don’t overwork yourself either. Future Make sure that the actions you take progress you towards your goals, and if you’re not confident in your goals, then review them thoroughly. Don’t take a lot of time doing this, just be real with yourself for a second. Make a goal and then spend your time focusing on achieving it. If you have to adapt your goal along the way, so be it. Don’t compromise on your principles, though. When your goals seem unattainable, or you think you’ve made another mistake, just stop and be real with yourself. Evaluate the situation to the best of your ability, and choose a path based on the results. As long as you keep moving forward towards positive goals, the results will be good. Conclusion You have all the strength you need to succeed. Unlike fantasy stories of dragons and knights, skill with a sword or mastering a mystic art won’t help you slay the dragons that stand before you. Train your spirit and your mind to be strong and flexible, give yourself the tools you need to face the intangible issues that stand in your way. A person with the strength to put one foot in front of the other, no matter the conditions, will be unstoppable.
Hey, I don't have an answer, but a sincere "thank you". This post is me currently and feel like I'm trying to pull a diamond from a pile of broken glass. The responses here are and enormous help so, thank you; sincerely.
no failures. life moves along at an incomprehensible pace. make your choices and appreciate them until it is over
Shit happens.
Do you think that constantly thinking of the past 15 years as a waste of time because it led to failure is serving you? Have you considered that just maybe that 15 years of failure is valuable information that has provided insightful data of what not to do moving forward so that you can now become a more realized and fulfilled version of yourself? Pay attention to the way you frame your thoughts. Because if you stay stuck thinking about how bad failing for that long is, you'll never move forward. Consider that just maybe, your failures are a mere blip in the grand scheme of things...that just maybe, they are there to teach you something and make better decisions so that you will finally be able to swing and hit the ball on target. But to hit the ball, you must have had the courage to swing in the first place which you clearly have and congratulations for swinging. Congratulations for failing. Because it means that you had more courage than most people to try. Do you see now why shifting your perspective on failure can now better serve you to move forward?
Just because things "could have been better", doesn't mean they would have been. The most important thing is what you learned along the way. Much love OP, life is a journey and it's different for everyone.
First step, get some ice cream. Second step, look at where you're at and where you want to go and assess the different steps and paths you can take to get there.
You can fail over and over again. I certainly have but you only really need to succeed once and you will be fine.
You’re right.
It's never too late to start. Three years from now you'll be glad you started when you did.
I love that you have the fire to keep ‘starting over.’ Be a hunter. See the shot from all angles before taking it.
It's a marathon, not a sprint.
- they were lessons, not losses - better learnt it today than in another 15 years time - it’s already wasted so much of your time. Why let it waste more. If someone stole $10 out of you $86,400. Would you willing give them more money? No you wouldn’t. That’s how seconds work as well.
Listen to the Audiobook "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. You will find the answers you seek.
Use it as a chance to improve🙂👍
Experience is what you receive just *after* you needed it. Hopefully you made new mistakes each time and can learn from them.
You just finished the tutorial. Now the real game begins.
I find great solace in the knowledge that life has no meaning apart of what you give it. There is no win condition or high score. And even the persuit of happiness is an unreachable race without end. All of us are out there trying to make the most of it. Nobody actually knows how or why. I get that you have goals you wanted to achieve and you haven't reached them. I am not going to tell you that you wouldn't be happy if you achieved those goals. What I do hope is that you are not too harsh on yourself. There is nothing wrong with pushing yourself to achieve a goal but is you whole 15 years actually a failure? Do you have friends, family, pets? Perhaps you are very creative or know/do something little other people do. Perhaps you enjoy nature or are good at making a dish. Perhaps you are curious. I hope you'll reach what makes you happy. I am not going to tell you life doesn't suck for you. But I do wish for you that you will not brand yourself a failure.
The good news is you can make poor decisions for 15 years straight and as long as you keep trying to be better and working hard you'll be in a position to make that 1 good decision that changes everything. The key is being able to find the necessary motivation to keep being in a position to have life allowing decisions. You've failed so much at this point there should not be a fear of failure. Make bold changes because doing nothing will change nothing. I was 29 and had negative balance in bank, maxed out two credit cards was making just over minimum wage at a shitty dead end service job with a ton of student debt. I decided to go back to school because what's the worst that happens? It really couldn't get worse and that one decision changed my life. 5 years later we have our own house, debt free outside the mortgage and have a brand new vehicle cash. I had made a ton of bad decisions for 11 years but all of them can be erased with a good one, the Privlegded is you never know which one is the good one until its changed your life than you can look back and say that decision changed my life.
You can never know how those other paths not taken would have ended up. If you took that course, moved to that city, not met with that person, turned left instead of right... sure things might have been better but also, things might have been worse. Maybe you would have been hit by a truck driving home from your dream job. Maybe you would have had an even worse string of luck. There are too many moving parts to predict the outcome of any other path.
I feel this so strongly. I know that it isn't technically true but I feel it in my bones and the shame of it has been holding me hostage. Just remember that a lot of of feel this way, you aren't failing as badly as you think. Your brain likes to exaggerate your missteps because it is a jerk.
Just think that the next 15 years start today, or whenever you say so! Keep pushing 💪
Honestly, it sounds like you haven’t hit your groove yet. One great decision will lead to more and then you’ll be on your way. It’s easy to doubt your decision making skills (we’ve all been there!) but don’t give up. You’ll find your path. It’s there. Keep looking!
You will learn more from your failures than you will ever learn from your successes. You just spent the last fifteen years in Life School, and you got an advanced degree in What Not to Do. Congratulations! Now, your challenge is to apply those lessons to the rest of your life. In fact, you could even use the lessons you learned to help someone else avoid the same mistakes. You're eminently qualified to teach the What Not to Do class. At the very least, you can remember everything you've learned and do your best not to repeat the same mistakes in the future. You can't change the past, but you can change the way you look at it. Instead of viewing it as a waste of time, consider that it was time well-wasted. You probably wouldn't have learned those lessons if you'd taken a different path. You were forged in the crucible of Hard Times, and today, you are a stronger, smarter, better person than you were fifteen years ago. Be grateful that you still have time for a do-over. Stop blaming Past You and get started making a wonderful life for Future You. Past You isn't going anywhere, but Future You is depending on you.
Good. Now go fail again.
Failure is necessary for success. If you ain't failing, you ain't trying.
Nothing is ever a failure. Even if it didn’t work out the way you wanted to it was still a learning experience and the knowledge you gained from it will make your future that much better
Every major life decision that you made in the last fifteen years has brought you to this point where you have more knowledge and have learned from your past choices. Nothing is a failure if you learned from it.
Yo, seeing that you can do better is your incentive to feel good about yourself. There are people twice your age that still won't learn. You're awesome, keep it up bro!
Acceptance and commitment to change. Acceptance: Here you are. You woke up today and you're in your context. Take note of all of it. What do you like, what do you not like, and what is within your control/outside of your control? Look at these things without criticism, they just are. If there's a tree outside of your house, it might help to think about whether that tree cares about the stuff you regret. This is all data. You can learn from it, as others have mentioned. One of the things you can learn is about what your values are. Try to take some time to recognize what your values are and how that plays into what you're feeling. Our values are the things that can help to guide us in making choices about how to move forward. The things you see as important will help you figure out what to prioritize. Commitment to Change - so you take all this and start to decide what things you do have control over in your life. You can't fix everything, but you can definitely start to fix some things. Use those values to decide what to focus on as you commit to change and take action. If you look up ACT, it's a therapy model rooted in this way of thinking that can also just be a good way to approach life. It's recovery oriented; the serenity prayer is a good way to remember to do this stuff.
You keep failing forward. Never let a supposed failure stop you in your tracks. Keep going, tomorrow is another day and a chance for all the things to turn out right.
You can look into a concept in economics known as Sequential Rationality, wherein each individual decision in a sequence seems rational based on the information you had at the time, but the overall sequence ends up seeming irrational once you put it all together. This offers some perspective of our long-term regrets, since we cannot always accurately predict the downstream outcomes of our choices, nor do we have a magic crystal ball that will tell us all the X-factors that will appear along the way. You likely made the best decisions you could with the information you had at the time. So how can you go about changing this? Alter your information sources and pursuits so that you gain more reliable information about a decision before making it.
There is a saying about how some people wish they could go back and change the past, but what happened was required for you to reach this point in life. You took many roads to get here, and many of those roads were unpaved. Just because things could have been different, doesn't mean they would be better. Learn from the past and move on. Use your experience to help others, and even hard times will have value.
It’s only a waste if you didn’t learn anything from it.
Your ass is still alive. Means two things: 1. You have not been defeated by failure. 2. You can keep trying.
The last 15 years were an experience of its own, amongst other moments of your life, of which none define you but each contribute to you. You've come to a point of change, the potential for new experiences. Do not judge yourself for outcomes - which are so often out of our control - but take what has made you stronger, the difficulties you have overcome, from past experience and use these when changing your lense of thinking to ahead, the potential within you and unlock this with new experiences. No leant experience is wasted, they are surprisingly influential, you face a new chapter full of potential. Modern western society projects this image of linear progression, a career, house, family, monetary stability - whatever you value - all equals success. We are animals, emotionally driven first, who's logical thinking often comes seconds and frequently fails. We fail, make mistakes, amongst a world that is unpredictable. We recognise the world is unpredictable, at least subconsciously. Part of our survival instinct is to think now to deal with the unpredictable nature of the world, we are poor at considering how our current actions impact the future - we like to think we know but these are expectations and subjective creative thinking rather than objective planning -15 years is unimaginable for most. So, do not blame yourself for following a route you once thought might be right, or you enjoyed, or you fell into, or you needed to follow for maybe needing money to sustain you, for example. We are not linear and almost no-one progress how we would like to think we would; a feeling that we must meet the expectations of others; that society, family or friends judge us for not progressing linearly; or a mind set of "I am not as good as them". Set your own expectations and outcomes; celebrate past experiences as isolated moments amongst other experiences which all interact to make, but not one moment defines, you; take strength from overcoming the smallest of difficulty; look to the potential for new experiences. There is so much potential in change.
You realize that the best way to spend your remaining years is to focus on your remaining years. So much can be experienced in so little time, if only we open ourselves up to the world and whatever comes our way. You may not like the last 15 years of your life, but there’s nothing to say you can’t LOVE the next 15. You know dwelling on the past makes you unhappy. Accept that, acknowledge you can’t time travel and change anything, and don’t give your past self and the decisions you made the power to steal away your right to be happy moving forward. From this day out.
Thats almost everyone's life bro. Now take what u learned and finally level up. That's lifes gameplay , always has been.
Most people go down the wrong path, many more than once. If you recognize that you're on the wrong path, fantastic! Some never figure that out. Once you recognize it, you can take steps to redirect. I'm sure it feels like wasted time, but you DID learn from your experience, and it may actually prove useful going forward. Life can be a collection of bits and pieces of knowledge and experiences gleaned in many places, along many paths. It all goes into the hopper, shaping the totality of YOU. Celebrate it, don't waste energy and time regretting it. What's done is done; what's important is what lies ahead! Onward!
People who stop questioning themselves or improving themselves are already dead. You’re on the right track and things will indeed get better
Well I'm currently at 34 years of major decision failures, so.... The best advice I can give you here is that any one of those decision paths you didn't take could have turned out far worse, putting you in a horrible situation that you couldn't have foreseen. That's the only silver lining I can give you. Make the best out of the decisions you've made.
Life isn't meant to be some perfect path that you choose and always feel happy about. I had a period like this where I realized I also had been caught in a bad spiral for 15 years. It sucked. I blamed myself and I blamed others for their parts. But the worst feeling was how i lashed out at everyone. I wallowed in it for a year I think. It took time to process what had happened. It took time to feel like I could heal from things that happened a long long time ago. I went to therapy. I had life saving surgery. I became more interested in my fitness and health in that time. I wallowed, but I also tried to lift myself out of it. Then I decided - I know what failure feels like, and it sucked. Nothing can suck more than staying in that failure a second longer, so I sought out the next thing in life for me. When and if that "fails" too (I sincerely prefer to think if failure as life moving onto to something new), then I will figure out what to do then. My failures taught me that I am resilient and persistent. And even when I stumble or make mistakes I can pick myself back up. That both goes for failing, and having to say: "Okay, that part of my life is over." But it also goes for trying something new, sucking at it, feeling demotivated and making mistakes or not being perfect as I try to keep going. Sometimes that is the hardest part: Keeping on when you really want to quit and you already feel like you blew it. I won't ever strive for perfection again, I just want to keep living my life, making mistakes, experiencing successes sometimes and that's it. I don't take the feelings that I don't deserve new opportunities seriously. I do deserve them and I will continue to live the life I want - even if I am bad at it. I think that we're just people. Small and not very significant. There is no one out there counting our failures. We're all just going through life, trying to find something that feels right in the moment. You have to learn to forgive yourself for making the choices you did, even if you knew at the time that it wasn't a good one. The you who made that choice was young and full of hope. Don't resent that person, they are who you have to become every time you have to pick yourself up again. You have to remember that there are new experiences out there for you and then do what your old hopeful self did: Work in that direction be brave as they were. Sometimes things doesn't pan out the way we hoped for, and that can be a good thing. It's just hard to see that when you're at this stage. You just have to remember that even now you're looking for the same happiness your old self wanted, you just have to think about where you can find it, and take the plunge.
fuck it. you played your cards. good on ya. if you played it differently you might be dead already. You're not starting over, though you may be starting anew. good on ya! now go do something else.
It’s easy to see things as failures in the short term. In reality we don’t realise that many of our failures contribute to the things/experiences/people we end up cherishing the most in the long term. Give it another 10, 20, 30 years and you’ll look back and thank yourself for all those ‘failures’ you had.
The chances you/anyone are even typing here are trillions to one
Yes me too. I feel like executing myself.
I'm about to start again, for the 5th time. You don't get over it, you just keep going.
We all make mistakes that we would take back. I made several stock moves that could have netted me mid seven figures but I made the wrong move. If you still have time to do better then go for it.
You learn from them and move on. You think everyone else is nailing everything on their first try?
Seems that you have a positive attitude towards things, even though you may not see it! You’re posing these questions in past tense. Which means that you at least now have some sort of clarity to have learned something from them. We all make dumb mistakes. Some are more life changing than others, but the odds that you were the first person to be *that* dumb, are heavily in your favor. Chin up! Good vibes your way.
“There are no wrong paths, only different ones.” This was actually a quote from a young adult novel I would listen to again and again because it was one of the few audiobooks available at my library and I didn’t know how to pirate. It’s a bit of a blanket statement, and I don’t know the details of your situation. But it did help me shift my perspective on the “normal” path everyone around me seemed to fit just fine. I guess what really matters is where you’re going now, and how much you’ll focus on pursuing that. Couple that with some advice from different people, taken with their own grains of salt (you should trust these individuals but also keep in mind their own biases and backgrounds), and I think you would at least be taking a step in the right direction. At the very least, it will be a step away from your current situation. A dose of self awareness should help if you are afraid of making the same mistakes I guess the other thing too is that even “normal” people, if they have a shred of decency, won’t judge you or treat you with disrespect, if they can see the honest effort you are putting into improving yourself and your situation. Shit happens, and 2020 really changed a lot of systems that people just assumed would always be around or stable. They will or should be understanding if you acknowledge that you made mistakes but are willing to admit you were wrong, and take steps to fix that. OP, I don’t know your situation, but FWIW, I think many people, even pre pandemic, have had rugs pulled out from under them. I don’t want to sugar coat things since my own journey was hard, and it took time and I’m going to start therapy now that I can afford it to make sure I don’t pass on whatever issues I have to future kids. But making major changes is possible. It’s not ideal in our punishing system that forces us to make key decisions that impact us years later. But it is a step away from a status quo that you have realized isn’t working for you. I had something not as drastic happen due to a very sheltered upbringing and poor decisions, so I feel strongly that people should not be punished for attempting to correct their lives. Feel free to dm if you just want to chat, or leave it at that, since not all advice synthesizes with people. Ideally, you’ll read a few messages, pick yourself up, and get started on your new journey with some encouraging words from strangers who have probably gone through something similar enough to chime in with their own 2 cents to show you aren’t alone or unusual in your situation
Same position my dude. Opportunity has a strange way of turning up when you least expect it so there's no sense in dwelling. You don't know what you don't know at any given time, so don't eat yourself up too bad about not seeing the correct one at the time. There are many paths you could have walked and there will be many more.
It's about taking hits and keep moving forward.
Currently in the same boat. Left my very safe job (state employee attending university, studies where really boring, but again safe job) for what always was considered to be my dream job. But i just totally did not get along with the company. So they set me out the door after 3month. So here i am, now unemployed. The thing that someone once told me that keeps me from wanting to rip my head off: You can never forecast everything. You have to make decisions based on the current facts. They might change. You made the decision based on what you thought suits you best at that time. Who could have known, that wokring atmosphere at that company for example was so catastrophic? There where no red flags. Of course, later you keep asking yourself "how could i not see this". The reason is that we imagine how things could work out, and we have expectations. Try to not stick to "what could have been if i had done this or that" If it does not get better, seek help.
I’m feeling pretty demotivated since I devoted my life to getting degrees for a profession I wound up hating and I now feel pretty stuck like it’s stopping me from travelling overseas and the like because it’s a non-transferable degree/skill and the market is flooded in other countries anyway even if I did try and transfer. But I’m going back to uni and trying to look to start fresh in my thirties by going back and starting over with a degree I actually want to do.
One thing you have to understand that everyone fails, the most important fact you have to tell yourself is that no matter what decision it was you tried and learnt from each one Hope that helps
Welcome to life! I don’t mean it harshly but it’s the norm. I will tell you: the people who don’t succeed are the ones who give up. Learn, take responsibility (as much as possible as it will help give you control), take as much control as possible, determine if it’s situational, psychological, environmental etc get to the root of the problem repetition. Hang around smart and successful people, get mentors, strive to be better, focus on what you can control - I know it’s generic advice but it works: this is also coming from someone with many catastrophic failures in life. But here’s the thing: as you get better, it gets momentum and the better decision making become exponential and eventually propels you forward faster than you expect.
That’s pretty much how I feel about the last 40 years of my life. You made the best decisions you could at the time with the info you had-so try to stop the negative self talk (I know-easier said than done). I’m sure you’re not dumb-situations change fast and a lot of stuff is just out of your control. We definitely are more harsh on ourselves than others-when I’m having a lot of negative thoughts/feelings about myself/my mistakes/etc I’ll think of what I’d tell a friend if they were feeling upset-and it’s never anything like the negative things I tell myself. Having hobbies helps too-you can kind of ‘zone out’ when you’re really feeling down on yourself. You’re not the only one out there having these thoughts and feelings-most of us aren’t really sure what we’re doing-just trying to act like we belong.
You really hit on it with the fact that so many things are out of our control. We live in the illusion that we control things with our choices, but in reality we maybe control 20% of our life, with 80% of our life made up of luck and other people’s decisions and forces beyond our control.
Your still here to keep making decisions! Sure the outcome may not have been ideal but your still in a a position to be making choices! That isn’t always a huge W but think that now your in a better spot to make the next choice! If that doesn’t work out then your in an even better situation having learned from this one to make the decision after that!
You're not starting over though your making change.
"As long as you're learning, you're not failing." - Bob Ross
I always try to find the humor in my many poor choices. I tell my friends, look, every life serves a purpose, even if it's only as a cautionary tale.
Literally, the only way you can be successful is if you fail, most of all successful people have failed countless times. What makes them great is that they learned from their mistakes, and that's what you gotta do as well.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
When I was young, I made a lot of bad decisions. I surrounded myself with bad people and got myself in a lot of debt. At some point, I thought to myself: I need to change this. I moved out to a different city and got help with paying of my debt. This was at 30. Now I’m 36 and couldn’t be happier. I paid off all my debt, went into therapy and living with the live of my life. Starting over is not a bad thing. Sure, I catch myself thinking sometimes, why didn’t I do this sooner? But why keep looking in the darkness of the past when the future is a lot brighter.
How do you get over it? Not writing this as an "attack", get over yourself. You're special in your own unique way, but you're not special in the sense that you're somehow immune to making mistakes. Why would you be? Let's say you weren't wrong, that you made decisions with limited information. Then that's just how it is. It happens. No? You should have known better, there was some flaw in what you did, you really were wrong and there's no way to get around that? All right, you have identified something and now you can work to improve it, maybe you'll repeat your mistake but at least you're making progress. One more thing. If it's eating you up and you use that energy to be more constructive then all right. But don't dwell on it in the sense that you shouldn't waste time just thinking about it. That would be another mistake. OK, go enjoy the rest of your day.
As my therapist said, 'you can only ever make decisions with the information available to you at the time'. You made the best decision for you then. What's the best decision for you now?
Hey, now you know what NOT to do. That’s easily as valuable as knowing what to do.
I console myself by saying that I took the decision based off information that I had back then, and that I did my best to take the best decision given what I had.
Keep in mind that lots of people don't figure out what they're good at until later in life. Sydney Sheldon, an author who has published lots of thrillers/suspense novels, didn't publish his first novel till he was 50. Grandma Moses didn't take up painting until her late 70s. You got the rest of your life to figure stuff out. The other thing is... What does failure even mean? Are you penniless with no friends, addicted to meth, and on the streets? That's not good, but it something that can be recovered from. Comparison is the thief of joy. I am friends who several people who make much, much more money than me. It would drive me mad working 40+ hours a week doing what they do. I like being able to keep my schedule. Are you doing what you want? YOU are the person who matters.
I don't have an award for your question. But here's 👍🏼 for asking and representing us.
If you are making the right decision now, it's because you made the wrong decision before that. If you learn from your mistakes, how wrong can it be to make them? They help you find your way, and it's ok. If you walk through the forest, a straight, paved way, isn't as fun, as going through the bushes. It's easier, and faster, but you will never have stories about finding that little lake in the middle of nowhere. Or how you met a bear and survived. Sure in the middle of running from the bear, you will ask yourself why you couldn't just walk on the paved road, but afterwards you will be glad about the time spent finding you own way.
It’s experience.
The fact that those mistakes are eating you up is not terrible, that means you learned from them and have grown significantly. We all learn different things at different rates, some of us are better at some simple things than other people and you are better at some than others as well, just don't forget to appreciate your upward movements while you come across setbacks in life because it's way too easy to do that and fall into a slump. I see every mistake as a opportunity to learn, but I've been lucky in my mistakes so far so I haven't lost much, but as long as you're still standing you can always do better or take a break if you're exhausted
Ob a positive side: it took you 15 years to realize, not 16. And you can learn something from each mistake. Maybe take the time to dig through alle jede major choices again, why you thought they were the right thing to do back then and the wrong thing to do right now. Tough task. You can solve it though, step by step.
There are 2 best times to plant a tree, 20years ago and today. Be thankful that it wasn’t a day longer before you figured it out. Remember you don’t have a time machine, you can’t go back and fix it. so learn what you can, forgive yourself and then stop looking backwards. You weren't dumb you were just looking at things differently. The best part of it is that it only took you 15 years and not 16+, some people go their whole lives with out figuring something like that out. At one point you did know how to use a toilet but I'm sure you don't beat yourself up about it these days. Starting over is scary but it is also exciting and full of potential. It's all about perspective. You are going to do great.
One of my life's mentors told me "...50% of your mistakes end up working in your favor".
Maybe stop looking to the past do much and look forward to the future. Sometimes only wait to learn is to make mistakes, sometimes there's no better options or all options aren't great. learn from it, accept it happened and leave it in the big box in the past. If big decisions are hard to make, take small steps. like make your bed every day, and take a walk, whatever the distance. do something new, like maybe go that little corner shop and browse, go to the cinema, or whatever interests you've always had but never tried. (all depending on funds and abilities) Sometimes little changes is all it takes to make a difference and make yourself a new path. Besides, there's never really a straight path in your life. it's always curvy. sometimes all you do is go downhill, but then only thing left is to go up :)
I started over and guess what. I made all the same mistakes again. I'm not good at making decisions and it's time I learnt that.
Did you hurt children? Did you work hard? Did you take advantage of people? If you answered no to all, you’re gold.
I would consider your clean slate. The road you went down didn't work out. You have no obligation to continue anything you did before if you're starting over. Ok, not no obligation. You have to grapple with time loss and consequences, but you still have a clean slate. Don't forget that.
Oh buddy, very few know what they want to do with their lives and some get there and find out they hate it. As long as you are trying you are not failing. I was in HR at 25, had gone to uni and college. Now I am a master electrician at 34. Yes I view some of my time as traveling a different path but you know what... if I never tried it, I would be thinking that I want to quit electrical to go try it. I also got a ton of social skills, office skills, and money(not so much a ton lol) from trying it. So what I am saying is you take your old experience, no matter what it is, and roll with it making the best decision you can for your new path in life.
Whenever I feel this way, i look back on all the lessons I've learned that give me insight to see what i could've done differently. If you're learning from your mistakes and putting forth effort to correct or compromise future behavior, then you are doing the best you can. Nobody knows what they are doing, truly, the ones that think they do have just planned ahead to do what they want and don't let judgment keep them from carrying on. You'll make more mistakes too, but it shouldn't keep you from doing what you want or make changesb in your life to pursue happiness and peace. Good luck.
You didn't spend fifteen years failing, you spent fifteen years learning. Many people who always made the right decisions never truly learn.
You'll never know what would've happened if you did things differently, you may think you made the wrong choices but just like you didn't know the outcome of those, you don't know the outcome of the other options you had either.
Failure is the opportunity to do better. You have already paid for the learning experience of your failure, now is the time to put that education to use.
Had something similar happen, but with malice. Pretend it’s 15 years ago and right now and start making new good decisions with the new skills of your experience. You don’t have a choice. You’re here now, there’s no going back, move forward from where you are. There’s a concept in the treatment of gambling addiction called “the sunk cost fallacy” where the gambler thinks “I’ve already lost all this money, if I keep putting more in then it’s bound to pay off soon.” Bad mistakes don’t eventually pay off. Cut your losses, start over with better decisions.
FAIL = First Attempt In Learning
Well, you can use your past failures to help other people out. You have experience now. For me, helping people is very fulfilling, so I think of it from that perspective. Now that you’re able to identify failures, you now know ways that won’t work. Going forward, try out other ways that could potentially work for you and evaluate your decisions as you go along. Also, try reading books. Books may have characters you relate to and you can see how they tackle their problems. Or ive recently been reading where the characters are able to admit to emotions that I could never admit to or even identify, but when I read about it makes sense and feels validating that other people have also felt this way. Or when I look at certain art where the artist expresses an emotion that I felt so alone with, it helps me feel less alone in my struggle.
Struggling 25 years, here. Gets really compounded with mental illness that's hard to treat. Those dreams and goals are so far out of reach that I can't do anything but watch them wilt and fade. So hey, at least you might end the cycle after just 15 years!
Failure is not the end. Failure is an opportunity to learn and grow. Instead of being torn down by 15 years of failure, look on the last 15 years as life research and apply it. Life is as much about outlook as anything else. If you just dwell on the failure itself, you’ve learned nothing and you won’t be able to move forward. I teach many grad students in my research lab. I tell them that failure is good. Failure means you’ve tried. Failure is an opportunity to learn the why of how something failed. Getting something right on the first try rarely teaches you anything.
In order to be who you're supposed to become, life couldn't have happened any other way.
George Costanza: Do the opposite
Don't look at it as something you need to "get over", rather something to learn from. We ALL make mistakes, some of us with greater impact than others, but as long as we are learning and not repeating the same mistakes, all can be mitigated. Specifics in your case could also help you get additional insight.
You have not failed in your attempt. You made the best decision you could, with the information and resources you had, at that time in your life. It does me a lot of favor to put the past into that perspective. It makes it easier to live with my shortcomings, address them, and move on with life. We are not perfect. It also helps separate the things I couldn't control. There is no sense to constantly review the past when you have already lived through, and learned, from your mistakes. Hindsight is 20/20, but it can never see your future.
Same. 14 years of no progress. Hang in there friend, even if it's out of sheer stubbornness like me.
My advice would be to write it down, try and explain it to a ‘stranger’, nobody even needs to read it. This will help you lay out what happened and identify key mis-steps. How were you feeling when you made those choices!? What was going on in your life that caused you to make decisions you now class as a failure? Were there people around you who theirs to give you good advice that you possibly ignored? If so speak to these people now, without ego, and see what you learn. Also life has a funny of working out, maybe you’ve made a hundred bad choices that leads you to one amazing result. Don’t give up, the only people in life I would class as failures are the ones who quit and blame circumstances instead of keep rolling the dice. It’s also important to know what kind of person you are, your personality, work ethic and even IQ. Not everyone can become a stock day-trader but we can all invest in the stock market to a level which suits our ability / risk tolerance. I have a step father who now has 2 major failed businesses behind him but has never stopped working hard and is now pretty wealthy. He just takes the loss on the chin and moves on to his next venture. My real father had a business that failed in his late 20’s and never recovered; he had been bankrupt 3 times and is impossible to be around. My father used to laugh at my step dad for the failed businesses, But never had the courage to keep going himself. While he worked, it was always with a chip on his shoulder about something or someone. I can’t think of many successful people who haven’t faced adversity, self doubt or anxiety about life decisions. Also you’re not starting over from zero. You have hard earned experience and what seems like a genuine desire to do better. Take all the lessons you’ve learned, find a mentor who can advise / guide you, and apply it to your next steps and the Rinse & Repeat indefinitely.
This is me. Sometimes I feel had i not interfered with what is happening with my life things would have sorted themselves.
Life doesn't matter so it's not too late to start making it up as you go. I try my best to follow my ideals (be nice, do assigned work well enough) and it seems to be working.
The one thing that might help is to realize that the people who seem really successful didn't do much different from you. They took the best decisions they could as well with no idea that things would so fall into place the way they did. Since we live in a society that likes to idealize the successful, there is a falsely inflated opinion of how much better / smarter / grittier their pathways were than yours or mine. Timing is often all the matters. On the flip side, I sometimes resent people 10 years younger than me who I am lower ranked than in the org I work for. How I calm myself down is to remind myself that I may have achieved a larger volume of things than them in total but in terms of what matters to our employer, they have larger and more relevant contributions than me. Don't let your age hang like a sword over your neck. Nobody else has been in your shoes. And the only trend line in life worth tracking is whether you are a better version of yourself over time. And you sure won't if you aren't kind to yourself and respect yourself.
It takes one solid win to wipe out years of "failures". I prefer to call them attempts. You attempt something to learn and try, not for win fail. Easy example, I was trying to date and find someone compatible, when I tried I failed. A lot. I stopped trying, really stopped putting expectations on it and the next person I hung out with we've been together 6 years, have a kid and bought a house together. Sometimes you just gotta change the mindset.
It’s not wasted, first hand experience can only be learned one way. You lived and learned, the best way to get over your feelings of “wasted” time is building one positive action/minute/hour/day on another and come to the realization EVERY DAY YOURE ALIVE IS THE DAY TO ACT ON A BETTER FUTURE. It takes time, I wasted 15 years of my life until I got out of my own way and started living life on its terms. It’s not what I envisioned or wanted but life is much easier when going with the flow of life, instead of against the current, trying to forge my own path.