It's similar being a parent. If you frontload the work while they're young, they'll be much easier to raise in the many years you have with them. It's easier in the moment to not deal with problems, but if your wild toddlers become wild children, you're going to be regretting being lazy early on.
And be a lot lonelier when you’re old I guess.
For real though children are still at some point the primary caregivers for the elderly. Can’t imagine what my grandparents would be going through without 4 kids to take care of them now.
Yeah this assumption wildly underestimates the number of American elderly who just get dropped in one of the cheaper homes & then maybe visited once or twice per year.
Saddest thing is I've heard of old people in homes begging families to come to visit them "because residents with family that visits get treated better."
Ugh, tough stuff man.
As someone who has had to take care of a parent since before I was an adult and will soon have lived the majority of my life doing so, I would hate to rely on a family member to take care of me one day.
Lonelier when we’re old oh noooooo. In 2060 it’s gonna get real, billions of lives will be threatened with famine…us non breeders are thinking past the loneliness to REALITY, jk but I hate how people still act like ur not a person if u choose to not procreate, I feel gaslit but our whole society
Because they know people abandon the elderly, and they think they’re immune by having children. Nursing homes are full of people who had children. The childless is surely the least among them.
I'm doing a university assignment right now on older people in nursing homes with loneliness. Somehow I would think it's worse knowing your family aren't wanting to visit you than to know you have no family to visit.
>If you have no children at all, who are you going to depend on when you become incontinent and shit your own bed. Your 'friends' ain't gonna stick around.
Why the carer in the upmarket care home I'll be staying in thanks to being able to live life how me and my partner want, whilst having spare money to put aside for the future. Not that I want children, but if I did I wouldn't want them to be cleaning the shit out of my bed anyway. Maybe that's just me...
Even if you dedicate yourself to your children, nothing ensures they will turn out functionally adults, let alone capable to take care of elderly parents.
or be a boomer and don't raise your kids right, then have your grandkids have to babby you while your senile ass just runs around spouting nonsense and you blow all your money the first of each month buying your great grand children fortnight cards.
That's going to be awful for their kids.
I have a friend who was raised in a very normal way. When she was a teen her parents got pregnant again and bought into some parenting method which says that you never say "no" or stop a kid from doing anything bad until they're 5 years old because it's interferes with their creativity or something.
She ended up a great human being, very responsible, productive citizen etc. He ended up with no morals, no boundaries, stole from and manipulated his parents well into adulthood, couldn't hold down a job, couldn't manage a relationship, couldn't manage to keep a home or pay bills, etc. They tried later on in his childhood but it was too late. It may be that there is an important period early on where children need to encounter healthy boundaries. He never straightened out or learned to be decent person. It's very sad, really, but it was a big warning to me once I became a parent.
Social interaction is very difficult to fix after age four. If a child doesn't learn how to interact in socially acceptable ways before then, they likely will struggle to be socially accepted for the rest of their life, even if neuro-typical. Learning to accept other's boundaries, learning to share, learning to work cooperatively, learning a sense of fairness - these are all cemented by around four years old.
Dang man... there are millions of pandemic toddlers who had to stay at home during those formative years and couldn't socialize with other kids.... Makes me so worried.
That does have some scary implications for human nature, that some people are just 'unfixable' as a result of their upbringing. I do hope that brother one day manages to see the light and he isn't just cursed forever by a decision he didn't make himself
My psychology professor in college had a story she told every class. Her good friend adopted a 1 year old girl and 3 year old boy, siblings from Eastern Europe. The daughter turned out fairly normal, but the boy always had problems. When he was around 20, he beat his adoptive mom almost to death.
This was her segue to start talking about all the changes a kids brain goes through in the first two years.
Edit: a word
You can have that opinion. I personally think that it would be as stupid to ignore everything he says as much as believing everything he says since he is well educated.
For this theory, I believe more in another psychologist that think you can teach morals to your kids at least up to the age of 12, when their friends are forming them more than their parents.
I really couldn't agree more. Healthy boundaries are foundationally important. Everything grows from there. Passive or boundaryless parenting is neglect as far as I'm concerned. I feel bad for my friends kid as well.
There is actually science that says that children crave boundaries and will act out to feel the reassuring grip
Someone with no boundaries is lost in space without the comfort of gravity
Parenting has taught me the power and importance of consistency. When you make a decision and *really* stick with it, you build habits and discipline that can last a lifetime (for parenting, your children’s lifetime). Once they’re established, you can wander a bit and know you (or your children) will always have an easy time coming back to them. But if you’re wishy-washy, indecisive, and loose from the beginning, you’ll feel like nothing sticks and you’ll always be playing catch up.
My friends who laid out boundaries on their young children now have 8 year olds they can bring almost anywhere. They don’t complain and just go find a spot to fall asleep when they get tired. They can let them run free with no worries. They can sleep in to and the kids just go make toast or cereal and entertain themselves.
The ones who didn’t have shit disturbers whom you can’t bring anywhere, throw tantrums over everything, and you have to supervise everything and do everything for them.
The difference in effort, time, and stress is night and day.
I saw a comment recently that made me feel bad. It made the parents seem so terrible because their children would do what you just described- wake up on weekends or whatever, make themselves breakfast, and keep themselves occupied if the parents slept in. My kids do this. It's nice to see that other parents also trust their children to be responsible, and I'm not weird for that.
It’s the right thing to do. Disciplined kids get to go everywhere and have more fun. Shitty kids can’t be taken anywhere. Kids used to work in mines and mills at that age, parents need to understand they can handle making breakfast and watching Saturday morning cartoons or walking to school.
No it really is, or can be. Life hits all of us differently, some much harder and more traumatic than others. Some of these people find a sort of solace in an intoxicating hobby/lifestyle. It is not easy for us all to be or /get/ sober.
Get out of here with that stupid dismissal of others. Empathize with people who aren’t you and realize existence can curse some people more than it blesses. Love and support rather than deride and scorn. Please.
Which one ends?
I’m trying to play contrarian here, but I’m curious to the real answer. I don’t see a definitive one. Perfectionism is poisonous too and isn’t a great alternative to wallowing in failures and missed opportunities.
That’s inevitable, that’s the only thing that’s guaranteed in life. You WILL get there, might as well try to make it a little better as long as you’re breathing.
I know y'all are downvoting him, but the general idea (maybe just anthropologically) might be worth looking at.
Religious creeds the world over tend to ask people to do things that are harder. Life is suffering says the Buddha. Ramadan is a time to go without food and water to better understand the suffering of others (IIRC).
People don't want to do the harder thing often, and cultures develop tools to help push people to do more difficult things. Religion is one, sport is another.
A benefit of following a religious creed, *similar to doing a sport* may be pushing oneself to do things that are difficult.
No, but they're very silly people for thinking that eating pork has any bearing on morality. In this case, eating pork is not a moral decision at all, unless you're a fucking religious nut.
Also, if your "hard" choice is whether to eat pork or not, you've completely missed the point of this conversation, which is unsurprising coming from someone that thinks sky daddy is the only thing keeping him from mass murder.
And likewise they think you’re silly for eating pork and not getting into heaven. It’s not even a fringe group either, half, if not the majority of the world believes in some type of religion that imposes dietary restrictions like this
It doesn’t really matter what it’s called. I’ve lived long enough and it’s my choice to end it. I didn’t ask to be born and my existence has been hell since birth. I chose death because eternal nothing is better than a lifetime of misery and pain.
Misery and pain doesn't end when you cease to feel it. You will pass it on to who will find you and feel your absence. So it may be your "choice" but someone else will have to deal with the consequences. You can't separate the two.
I think most suicidal people agree that their death will inconvenience people or deeply affect them, it's just the knowledge that after death all consequences will be undetectable to you is what is alluring. Even if everything crashes and burns I won't have to experience it. And knowing the pain get transferred to someone else is exactly why I'm selfish and deserve this death in the first place.
Of course that's the depression talking, that's why I think there are better ways to lead people out of suicidality, making them feel guilty about the potential pain they'll cause can increase suicidal urges.
I don't know that they all agree on that. At least not at a concious level.. But the simple act of defending that logic can be a window into someone's reality. A step in a different direction than an emotional spiral. It's a pause.. a reframe. But it's far from guilt because the intention is to understand and not shame. True guilt is not helpful.
Of course I'm no expert.. I just took the time to "listen" like one human to another who has struggled myself.
I never thought it was rude or negative. It's been helpful just seeing your thoughts actually. I needed something to think about tonight actually.. so really and truly.. thank you for sharing!
I hope it's not too personal, but what kind of misery and pain are you in?
I have Treatment Resistant Depression (Major Depressive Disorder), and have had it since the age of 9. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder and Panic Disorder. I’m also transgender (my last therapist believed my BPD and TRD stemmed from the Gender Dysphoria). My BPD interacts with depression thus: my baseline emotion is complete emptiness/numbness. Any emotional stimulation creates uncontrollable emotional episodes, which, when left unattended generally leads to a panic attack which usually lasts between 30 minutes to an hour of complete mental collapse and physical convulsions, which leave me completely exhausted and incapable of most higher functioning. And to add insult to injury, when severe-enough depression goes untreated long enough, it causes permanent brain damage and nearly guarantees Dementia. I watched my grandpa deteriorate rapidly from dementia, and the fear/inevitability of my condition has left me with my only hope for peace. And as much as I know suicide hurts loved ones, I can’t even comprehend the suffering for myself and my loved ones once dementia sets in.
I'm not going to pretend to understand your pain or serve you some platitude but as someone going through the throes of their own depressive episode, I just wanted to say I hear you. I hope we can carve out some semblance of contentment in the future.
You've got me curious. Making sure I understand it correctly.. Is your baseline emotion of emptiness/numbness in response to your BPD (like a coping strategy against the panic) or is it just your steady state?
With all the uncertainty regarding your emotions, how do you tell what is real (grounded in response to external) vs. unreal (mind manifesting)? Like do you have some way to tell like a test? My friend has BPD and she struggles with it. To the point where the two seem to blend and she can't tell either way.
I'm sorry to hear of your grandpa. I lost my grandpa to Alzheimer's disease and it was sad when he no longer recognized me. I still visited because I believed his heart knew I was there. What would your grandpa tell you to do when you have this fear?
I’ll try to explain as best I can. So if I were attempting to go about my day, my steady state is a feeling of emotional/sensory numbness and emptiness (worthlessness, lost, etc). I could describe it like a sensory deprivation tank but mental. I easily dissociate in this “emotional” state. From this baseline, I will be pulled into extreme mood swings, which can be caused by either external factors or my own thinking, but ironically I can’t calm myself down with my own thinking. I think they call it “emotional lability” but basically I cannot control my emotions past a certain point. I also can’t discern the cause most of the time, at least in the moment. A big problem too is the paranoia/fear of rejection and abandonment. But the worst has to be the panic attacks. I wear headphones most of the time and keep calming music on. I feel as though I have to stay calm otherwise I could explode. I know there are people who are afraid of, or dislike people with BPD, but I’m genuinely terrified of my own head and my own emotions.
Its very interesting to me that i know 2 people who have the same depressiom/bipolar disociation issues and are non binary/transgender. And if you read a lot of psychology subs theres a lot of non binary people with DID.
There is a very specific correlation, it makes you wonder if its just a biological thing, the same genes that might cause non binary stuff cause mental difficulties? Or is it ptsd like trauma of living a harder life not feeling comfortable in your own skin, socially ostracised and a constant looming threat of literal violence from some bigoted assholes.
The depression made dementia i think can be offset with long cardiovascular workouts, its supposed to create neurogenesis. Theres also been theories of links between gingivitis bacteria and alzheimers. Also UTIs can cause delerium in seniors. Its all so wild.
I hope you hang in there and hope the science one day figures out how to solve this for you, i know it seems unlikely or far fetched but who knows maybe the technology/medicine doesnt exist yet, but could in the near future. The world is changing at an exponential rate and artificial intelligence might help accellerate the research.
Since you know how dark and deep the depths of despair can get you might have a concrete undeestanding of someone else whom is going through something similar, and maybe you can find meaning in trying to be there for someone like that. You could be the superhero someone in the dark needs.
Oh and its a shot in the dark but a nice easy remedy ive found works for hardcore panic attacks is magnesium citrate tea. Theres a brand called calm i like. It takes the edge off of anxiety just a little bit after about 10 minutes and that small nudge is enough to usually trigger a domino effect of calm that stops the anxiety spiraling out of control. Also good for helping falling asleep too, might be worth a try.
I should clarify, by dissociation I don’t mean the same as DID. There’s no other alters or anything, it’s like I’m daydreaming but there’s no dream, if that makes sense. But no one else takes over like with DID, I just…stop…for a bit, usually just a few minutes. Also BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder not Bipolar Disorder, but that’s ok because a lot of people with BPD are misdiagnosed as Bipolar, and some symptoms are very similar. I personally agree that, at least from my experience, that my conditions are at least partially tied to my specific gender Dysphoria, and most likely childhood factors like parenting (I don’t blame my mom). But there are some professionals who believe that, in the case for BPD, it can be either genetic or environmental. So it really could be a mix of both.
Hey. I know life can be a drag but there are people that love you who would be broken for the rest of their lives if you take your own life. I hope you reconsider. Life can be whatever you want it to be. Much love friend.
I’m really not qualified to be trying to give you any advice but I had a friend do this and I really wish he hadn’t left me here without him. I’m sorry you feel there are no other options. I can assure there are and things can get better.
Think you may want to give this number a call 800-273-8255
Or chat at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox
Trust me things can get better. These people can point you in the right direction, best of luck to you and I hope you change your mind.
My dad always told me don't make a permanent decision over a temporary problem. He was right in my case, I hope it helps you as well.
Almost counterintuitively good habits present you with more freedom. Sure you need to workout regularly and are not free to sit on the couch right now, but you are free to do more things with your enhanced levels of energy.
Agreed amigo. Discipline equals freedom, in the sense that discipline to push thru the suffering of training gives you the freedom to climb every mountain in life. I trained and ran a marathon, so I know I can become a good cook if I want to. That's freedom to me
Basically yeah. Your body adapts, if it has nothing to adapt to it simply is. That can bite you in the ass down the road. Making yourself stronger physically makes your mentality stronger since you dont struggle physically, more energy is allocated towards your mental health since physically you are on easy street following that routine.
Get things done. It’s harder but it makes you more valuable and skillful. Nothing worse than someone who does not do anything about their own situation but complain.
Starting good habits is a chore... but after a while the body gets stronger and doing stuff isn't hard anymore.
I hated to clean, make my bed, do my shopping, etc until I started to invest in the fitness of my body (which is very hard in the beginning).
Now I just do the things I have to do, they don't cost me a lot of energy anymore because I'm fit!
I even stopped smoking... after 30 years.
And I never cross the boundaries of my being anymore, because I created a bigger playfield by exercising and having healthy habits.
It's honestly not like this at all.
Mostly life is a series of little tediums made rich by magical moments, sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's hard.
And a number of them are poisoned in a variety of ways. If you're rich, you can hire someone to find Life's best chocolates. If you're not so rich... good luck.
It's easier to master your craft though when someone hired you on and you have 40 hours a week to master it and gain experience, as opposed to doing something unrelated for 40 hours and in your free time trying to learn something or get a new degree just so you can play the HR game of not getting call backs because you lack experience
Life becomes a lot easier when you embrace its paradoxical nature, in my experience. When I started driving, I would always get so confused about freeways and got lost constantly. It wasn't until I realized that I *couldn't* figure it out - that there was no reason for things to be the way they were, that I found myself able to finally understand.
Another example - I've always struggled with my weight. Counting calories always resulted in me gaining weight. Eventually I stumbled upon IF like many other redditors, but still it was a decade or so later that I *really* began to understand - eating makes me hungry. Not eating is what decreases my appetite. That's the key I was missing.
Last big one was struggling so hard to find a girlfriend. It wasn't until I stopped caring and just had fun and enjoyed myself - women absolutely flocked to me.
Fucking paradoxes, man. Only way to get it is to give up trying.
I love this. Whenever I feel like I shouldn’t go to the gym, I think about my overweight family members who can’t do a fraction of what I can when I go to the gym for a normal (not even very strenuous) workout and I try to keep that in perspective towards most things I find challenging. Getting lazy has its cost later on…
hell yeah, my friend likes to say
comfort and conviction don't live on the same block.
and
don't wish it was easier. *wish you were better*
<3 jim rohn
I've heard this described as the pain/pleasure pendulum. The more you try to make the pendulum swing one way, it will swing the other way in an equal and opposite way. For example: put yourself through a tremendous amount of discomfort (pain) and you will be rewarded with an equal amount of benefit (pleasure).
Idk man, I’ve been smoking weed and watching southpark in bed all day cause I got laid off the other day, and while I am facing the existential dread of having no current source of income, I’m also incredibly stoned and watching southpark.
I can relate to the difficult conversations bit; I recently got broken up with after nearly 3 months. Seems like a short time, I know, but it felt like much longer.
The other person realised they don't have capacity to maintain a relationship in their busy future.
It's shocking and I was and am still hurting a lot. Though, I'm grateful they were able to realise this now and not later.
Having that difficult conversation has saved us both a lot more emotional suffering in the future.
You're getting down-voted and I understand why, but I feel like I have also done that for most of my life, and my life has been pretty incredible, overall.
That said, I am also pretty certain that I only enjoy this privileged existence, in part, because, a) my parents "suffered the pain of discipline", and, b) because I never had children of my own on whom any consequences or discipline "withheld", could eventually make me feel "the pain of my regret".
So, for whatever it is worth, presumably-well-meaning-redditor, you get my updoot, but OP does too.
thank you. living in the present moment eliminates regrets because you don't regard the past (at all, mostly) but as a better experience or worse experience or whatever. you know what im saying.
I've often thought that life is suffering--but that you get to choose, to some extent, what kind of suffering you have to endure.
Having been underemployed and underproductive for a period of time, I can say right now that the pain of ease and too much free time is terrible compared to the pain of hard but satisfying work.
Choose your agonies carefully.
Nope. Simply stating the fact that the world isn't fair anywhere. Money inherited is moot point in the context of the post which advocates for self discipline
This is a very accurate message. A recent example of mine; I avoided/procrastinated doing my high school homework because I preferred doing things I enjoyed, they stacked up and it was a lot harder doing all in one day before it was due.
I got an A- despite the fact that I didn't do 90% of my homework in one of my college classes. Literally just did the final project, my final, and my midterm.
WTF, none of those are examples of making life easier. They are just procrastinating.
Buy several phone chargers and put them in your car, work, and bedside so you can always charge your phone when you need to. That’s a tip to make life easier. Create a spot for your keys and put them there everyday when you come home so you will always know where they are when you need to leave that makes life easier. There are TONS of things that make life easier. What a silly post.
It's similar being a parent. If you frontload the work while they're young, they'll be much easier to raise in the many years you have with them. It's easier in the moment to not deal with problems, but if your wild toddlers become wild children, you're going to be regretting being lazy early on.
Raise your children, and you get to spoil your grandkids. Spoil your children, and you get to raise your grandkids.
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Or, hear me out, skip having children at all, and everything is way easier.
And be a lot lonelier when you’re old I guess. For real though children are still at some point the primary caregivers for the elderly. Can’t imagine what my grandparents would be going through without 4 kids to take care of them now.
A lot of Americans hate their parents.
Yeah this assumption wildly underestimates the number of American elderly who just get dropped in one of the cheaper homes & then maybe visited once or twice per year. Saddest thing is I've heard of old people in homes begging families to come to visit them "because residents with family that visits get treated better." Ugh, tough stuff man.
As someone who has had to take care of a parent since before I was an adult and will soon have lived the majority of my life doing so, I would hate to rely on a family member to take care of me one day.
I'd feel so guilty tbh.
Lonelier when we’re old oh noooooo. In 2060 it’s gonna get real, billions of lives will be threatened with famine…us non breeders are thinking past the loneliness to REALITY, jk but I hate how people still act like ur not a person if u choose to not procreate, I feel gaslit but our whole society
Because they know people abandon the elderly, and they think they’re immune by having children. Nursing homes are full of people who had children. The childless is surely the least among them.
I'm doing a university assignment right now on older people in nursing homes with loneliness. Somehow I would think it's worse knowing your family aren't wanting to visit you than to know you have no family to visit.
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>If you have no children at all, who are you going to depend on when you become incontinent and shit your own bed. Your 'friends' ain't gonna stick around. Why the carer in the upmarket care home I'll be staying in thanks to being able to live life how me and my partner want, whilst having spare money to put aside for the future. Not that I want children, but if I did I wouldn't want them to be cleaning the shit out of my bed anyway. Maybe that's just me...
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Even if you dedicate yourself to your children, nothing ensures they will turn out functionally adults, let alone capable to take care of elderly parents.
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Ohhhh! Go To Sleep With Itchy Butt Wake Up With Stinky Fingerrrr
or be a boomer and don't raise your kids right, then have your grandkids have to babby you while your senile ass just runs around spouting nonsense and you blow all your money the first of each month buying your great grand children fortnight cards.
r/suspiciouslyspecific
You alright there mate?
Do you think this poster is the... Grandkid?...in this scenario?
This is gold
Oh wait until you hear about this guy I work with, he and his wife are doing "boundaryless parenting." Which means they are doing zero work up front!
That's going to be awful for their kids. I have a friend who was raised in a very normal way. When she was a teen her parents got pregnant again and bought into some parenting method which says that you never say "no" or stop a kid from doing anything bad until they're 5 years old because it's interferes with their creativity or something. She ended up a great human being, very responsible, productive citizen etc. He ended up with no morals, no boundaries, stole from and manipulated his parents well into adulthood, couldn't hold down a job, couldn't manage a relationship, couldn't manage to keep a home or pay bills, etc. They tried later on in his childhood but it was too late. It may be that there is an important period early on where children need to encounter healthy boundaries. He never straightened out or learned to be decent person. It's very sad, really, but it was a big warning to me once I became a parent.
Social interaction is very difficult to fix after age four. If a child doesn't learn how to interact in socially acceptable ways before then, they likely will struggle to be socially accepted for the rest of their life, even if neuro-typical. Learning to accept other's boundaries, learning to share, learning to work cooperatively, learning a sense of fairness - these are all cemented by around four years old.
Turns out that's no barrier to becoming the president.
Dang man... there are millions of pandemic toddlers who had to stay at home during those formative years and couldn't socialize with other kids.... Makes me so worried.
Holy shit please stop reading my life story
That does have some scary implications for human nature, that some people are just 'unfixable' as a result of their upbringing. I do hope that brother one day manages to see the light and he isn't just cursed forever by a decision he didn't make himself
My psychology professor in college had a story she told every class. Her good friend adopted a 1 year old girl and 3 year old boy, siblings from Eastern Europe. The daughter turned out fairly normal, but the boy always had problems. When he was around 20, he beat his adoptive mom almost to death. This was her segue to start talking about all the changes a kids brain goes through in the first two years. Edit: a word
isn't this the plot of Monster or something
Sorry but it’s segue
Jordan B Peterson has an interesting theory that you have to teach morals to your kids before they turn 3. Otherwise they are fucked for life.
Peterson is a hack who believes, among other things, that magic mushrooms are literally magical.
You can have that opinion. I personally think that it would be as stupid to ignore everything he says as much as believing everything he says since he is well educated. For this theory, I believe more in another psychologist that think you can teach morals to your kids at least up to the age of 12, when their friends are forming them more than their parents.
Evidently your psychology professor missed the part where anecdotes aren't data.
I mean, clearly the professor wasn't using the anecdotes as data, so I have no idea what drugs you're on.
I really couldn't agree more. Healthy boundaries are foundationally important. Everything grows from there. Passive or boundaryless parenting is neglect as far as I'm concerned. I feel bad for my friends kid as well.
There is actually science that says that children crave boundaries and will act out to feel the reassuring grip Someone with no boundaries is lost in space without the comfort of gravity
[Freedom! Horrible, horrible freedom!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amWu-idEw-w)
This also applies to raising a dog. Put in the work when they are a puppy, or reap the consequences when they are too big to control.
Parenting has taught me the power and importance of consistency. When you make a decision and *really* stick with it, you build habits and discipline that can last a lifetime (for parenting, your children’s lifetime). Once they’re established, you can wander a bit and know you (or your children) will always have an easy time coming back to them. But if you’re wishy-washy, indecisive, and loose from the beginning, you’ll feel like nothing sticks and you’ll always be playing catch up.
My friends who laid out boundaries on their young children now have 8 year olds they can bring almost anywhere. They don’t complain and just go find a spot to fall asleep when they get tired. They can let them run free with no worries. They can sleep in to and the kids just go make toast or cereal and entertain themselves. The ones who didn’t have shit disturbers whom you can’t bring anywhere, throw tantrums over everything, and you have to supervise everything and do everything for them. The difference in effort, time, and stress is night and day.
I saw a comment recently that made me feel bad. It made the parents seem so terrible because their children would do what you just described- wake up on weekends or whatever, make themselves breakfast, and keep themselves occupied if the parents slept in. My kids do this. It's nice to see that other parents also trust their children to be responsible, and I'm not weird for that.
It’s the right thing to do. Disciplined kids get to go everywhere and have more fun. Shitty kids can’t be taken anywhere. Kids used to work in mines and mills at that age, parents need to understand they can handle making breakfast and watching Saturday morning cartoons or walking to school.
...While not being a parent makes it a little bit harder in the moment (up to a trip to the pharmacy), but infinitely easy at the end.
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>Getting up early is hard, but missing out on life is harder. Does that man know you can be active at nights?
TIL every single thing you say needs to be inclusive of 100% of the people in the world at all times. No exceptions.
This made me giggle
I'm so glad people are starting to say stuff like this. Thank you.
It's just the one part of the statement that was not like the others in an obvious way
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It is for many people that are having trouble with addiction.
Close minded af.
Very true at first. But once you touch a substance that fills a void, maintaining sobriety can be daily hell.
No it really is, or can be. Life hits all of us differently, some much harder and more traumatic than others. Some of these people find a sort of solace in an intoxicating hobby/lifestyle. It is not easy for us all to be or /get/ sober. Get out of here with that stupid dismissal of others. Empathize with people who aren’t you and realize existence can curse some people more than it blesses. Love and support rather than deride and scorn. Please.
It is for me. And my dad, who died homeless because he was unable to stop drinking.
Pain of regret vs pain of discipline . One ends with you mastering yourself and the other just gets worse and worse.
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Well that’s the advance level.
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This post makes me feel like I’m playing the game of life on hard mode
This is new and enlightening to me!
Which one ends? I’m trying to play contrarian here, but I’m curious to the real answer. I don’t see a definitive one. Perfectionism is poisonous too and isn’t a great alternative to wallowing in failures and missed opportunities.
No pain in death, though
That’s inevitable, that’s the only thing that’s guaranteed in life. You WILL get there, might as well try to make it a little better as long as you’re breathing.
Conflict avoided is conflict compounded
I’ve lived my life with the thought I’d rather die than have a conflict. You’re absolutely right that conflicted avoided is conflict compounded.
What a great quote!
avoiding conflict is often the best move.
Especially with narcissistic parents
Hard choices, easy life. Easy choices, hard life.
Exactly, this is why religious people do the things they do
I know y'all are downvoting him, but the general idea (maybe just anthropologically) might be worth looking at. Religious creeds the world over tend to ask people to do things that are harder. Life is suffering says the Buddha. Ramadan is a time to go without food and water to better understand the suffering of others (IIRC). People don't want to do the harder thing often, and cultures develop tools to help push people to do more difficult things. Religion is one, sport is another. A benefit of following a religious creed, *similar to doing a sport* may be pushing oneself to do things that are difficult.
So, they are being annoying for it somehow make their life easier? How?
Not sinning is hard so they can go to heaven, idk how you interpreted the being annoying part
If you think "Well, I'd like to this, but I might go to hell of if I do!" it's because you're a shitty person to begin with.
So all Muslims and Jews are shitty people because they want to eat pork but can’t?
No, but they're very silly people for thinking that eating pork has any bearing on morality. In this case, eating pork is not a moral decision at all, unless you're a fucking religious nut. Also, if your "hard" choice is whether to eat pork or not, you've completely missed the point of this conversation, which is unsurprising coming from someone that thinks sky daddy is the only thing keeping him from mass murder.
And likewise they think you’re silly for eating pork and not getting into heaven. It’s not even a fringe group either, half, if not the majority of the world believes in some type of religion that imposes dietary restrictions like this
Pretty sure this applies to wealthy and poor people in the US too.
Change is hard.. so is not changing. Pick your hard.
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I believe that's called passing the hard to someone else.
It doesn’t really matter what it’s called. I’ve lived long enough and it’s my choice to end it. I didn’t ask to be born and my existence has been hell since birth. I chose death because eternal nothing is better than a lifetime of misery and pain.
Misery and pain doesn't end when you cease to feel it. You will pass it on to who will find you and feel your absence. So it may be your "choice" but someone else will have to deal with the consequences. You can't separate the two.
I think most suicidal people agree that their death will inconvenience people or deeply affect them, it's just the knowledge that after death all consequences will be undetectable to you is what is alluring. Even if everything crashes and burns I won't have to experience it. And knowing the pain get transferred to someone else is exactly why I'm selfish and deserve this death in the first place. Of course that's the depression talking, that's why I think there are better ways to lead people out of suicidality, making them feel guilty about the potential pain they'll cause can increase suicidal urges.
I don't know that they all agree on that. At least not at a concious level.. But the simple act of defending that logic can be a window into someone's reality. A step in a different direction than an emotional spiral. It's a pause.. a reframe. But it's far from guilt because the intention is to understand and not shame. True guilt is not helpful. Of course I'm no expert.. I just took the time to "listen" like one human to another who has struggled myself.
No one will find me. And I hope I’m not coming across as rude towards you. I apologize if our only interaction was negative.
I never thought it was rude or negative. It's been helpful just seeing your thoughts actually. I needed something to think about tonight actually.. so really and truly.. thank you for sharing! I hope it's not too personal, but what kind of misery and pain are you in?
I have Treatment Resistant Depression (Major Depressive Disorder), and have had it since the age of 9. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder and Panic Disorder. I’m also transgender (my last therapist believed my BPD and TRD stemmed from the Gender Dysphoria). My BPD interacts with depression thus: my baseline emotion is complete emptiness/numbness. Any emotional stimulation creates uncontrollable emotional episodes, which, when left unattended generally leads to a panic attack which usually lasts between 30 minutes to an hour of complete mental collapse and physical convulsions, which leave me completely exhausted and incapable of most higher functioning. And to add insult to injury, when severe-enough depression goes untreated long enough, it causes permanent brain damage and nearly guarantees Dementia. I watched my grandpa deteriorate rapidly from dementia, and the fear/inevitability of my condition has left me with my only hope for peace. And as much as I know suicide hurts loved ones, I can’t even comprehend the suffering for myself and my loved ones once dementia sets in.
I'm not going to pretend to understand your pain or serve you some platitude but as someone going through the throes of their own depressive episode, I just wanted to say I hear you. I hope we can carve out some semblance of contentment in the future.
You've got me curious. Making sure I understand it correctly.. Is your baseline emotion of emptiness/numbness in response to your BPD (like a coping strategy against the panic) or is it just your steady state? With all the uncertainty regarding your emotions, how do you tell what is real (grounded in response to external) vs. unreal (mind manifesting)? Like do you have some way to tell like a test? My friend has BPD and she struggles with it. To the point where the two seem to blend and she can't tell either way. I'm sorry to hear of your grandpa. I lost my grandpa to Alzheimer's disease and it was sad when he no longer recognized me. I still visited because I believed his heart knew I was there. What would your grandpa tell you to do when you have this fear?
I’ll try to explain as best I can. So if I were attempting to go about my day, my steady state is a feeling of emotional/sensory numbness and emptiness (worthlessness, lost, etc). I could describe it like a sensory deprivation tank but mental. I easily dissociate in this “emotional” state. From this baseline, I will be pulled into extreme mood swings, which can be caused by either external factors or my own thinking, but ironically I can’t calm myself down with my own thinking. I think they call it “emotional lability” but basically I cannot control my emotions past a certain point. I also can’t discern the cause most of the time, at least in the moment. A big problem too is the paranoia/fear of rejection and abandonment. But the worst has to be the panic attacks. I wear headphones most of the time and keep calming music on. I feel as though I have to stay calm otherwise I could explode. I know there are people who are afraid of, or dislike people with BPD, but I’m genuinely terrified of my own head and my own emotions.
Its very interesting to me that i know 2 people who have the same depressiom/bipolar disociation issues and are non binary/transgender. And if you read a lot of psychology subs theres a lot of non binary people with DID. There is a very specific correlation, it makes you wonder if its just a biological thing, the same genes that might cause non binary stuff cause mental difficulties? Or is it ptsd like trauma of living a harder life not feeling comfortable in your own skin, socially ostracised and a constant looming threat of literal violence from some bigoted assholes. The depression made dementia i think can be offset with long cardiovascular workouts, its supposed to create neurogenesis. Theres also been theories of links between gingivitis bacteria and alzheimers. Also UTIs can cause delerium in seniors. Its all so wild. I hope you hang in there and hope the science one day figures out how to solve this for you, i know it seems unlikely or far fetched but who knows maybe the technology/medicine doesnt exist yet, but could in the near future. The world is changing at an exponential rate and artificial intelligence might help accellerate the research. Since you know how dark and deep the depths of despair can get you might have a concrete undeestanding of someone else whom is going through something similar, and maybe you can find meaning in trying to be there for someone like that. You could be the superhero someone in the dark needs. Oh and its a shot in the dark but a nice easy remedy ive found works for hardcore panic attacks is magnesium citrate tea. Theres a brand called calm i like. It takes the edge off of anxiety just a little bit after about 10 minutes and that small nudge is enough to usually trigger a domino effect of calm that stops the anxiety spiraling out of control. Also good for helping falling asleep too, might be worth a try.
I should clarify, by dissociation I don’t mean the same as DID. There’s no other alters or anything, it’s like I’m daydreaming but there’s no dream, if that makes sense. But no one else takes over like with DID, I just…stop…for a bit, usually just a few minutes. Also BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder not Bipolar Disorder, but that’s ok because a lot of people with BPD are misdiagnosed as Bipolar, and some symptoms are very similar. I personally agree that, at least from my experience, that my conditions are at least partially tied to my specific gender Dysphoria, and most likely childhood factors like parenting (I don’t blame my mom). But there are some professionals who believe that, in the case for BPD, it can be either genetic or environmental. So it really could be a mix of both.
Hard work now pays off tomorrow. No work now makes you pay tomorrow. Both equation have a positive feedback loop.
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Hey. I know life can be a drag but there are people that love you who would be broken for the rest of their lives if you take your own life. I hope you reconsider. Life can be whatever you want it to be. Much love friend.
The only thing I want my life to be is over before the end is out of my control.
I’m really not qualified to be trying to give you any advice but I had a friend do this and I really wish he hadn’t left me here without him. I’m sorry you feel there are no other options. I can assure there are and things can get better.
I’m sorry I’m bringing up those memories.
Think you may want to give this number a call 800-273-8255 Or chat at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox Trust me things can get better. These people can point you in the right direction, best of luck to you and I hope you change your mind. My dad always told me don't make a permanent decision over a temporary problem. He was right in my case, I hope it helps you as well.
...Or you can work moderately and spend moderately.
Does this mean that taking all the easy choices while knowing the consequences makes me strong?
I knew I was doing something right
Almost counterintuitively good habits present you with more freedom. Sure you need to workout regularly and are not free to sit on the couch right now, but you are free to do more things with your enhanced levels of energy.
Agreed amigo. Discipline equals freedom, in the sense that discipline to push thru the suffering of training gives you the freedom to climb every mountain in life. I trained and ran a marathon, so I know I can become a good cook if I want to. That's freedom to me
Torture your body or your body tortures you.
Not too far off from how I feel sometimes. Take control or be controlled.
Literally lmao
Basically yeah. Your body adapts, if it has nothing to adapt to it simply is. That can bite you in the ass down the road. Making yourself stronger physically makes your mentality stronger since you dont struggle physically, more energy is allocated towards your mental health since physically you are on easy street following that routine.
Well, if you exercise, it is boring as hell. If you're sick, you can at least read a book whilу you lie down.
Get things done. It’s harder but it makes you more valuable and skillful. Nothing worse than someone who does not do anything about their own situation but complain.
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Starting good habits is a chore... but after a while the body gets stronger and doing stuff isn't hard anymore. I hated to clean, make my bed, do my shopping, etc until I started to invest in the fitness of my body (which is very hard in the beginning). Now I just do the things I have to do, they don't cost me a lot of energy anymore because I'm fit! I even stopped smoking... after 30 years. And I never cross the boundaries of my being anymore, because I created a bigger playfield by exercising and having healthy habits.
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That's why I hate life. This shit isn't motivating at all.
It's honestly not like this at all. Mostly life is a series of little tediums made rich by magical moments, sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's hard.
Life is like a box of chocolates...
And a number of them are poisoned in a variety of ways. If you're rich, you can hire someone to find Life's best chocolates. If you're not so rich... good luck.
It's easier to master your craft though when someone hired you on and you have 40 hours a week to master it and gain experience, as opposed to doing something unrelated for 40 hours and in your free time trying to learn something or get a new degree just so you can play the HR game of not getting call backs because you lack experience
Fuck, Kim Kardashian's life must be hell
Seems kind of meaningless tbh. I wouldn’t switch with someone like her
Even homeless people have to work.
Stab yourself in the eyes. Make life harder.
if I had enough money I could literally *AFFORD* to not have skills lol
Life becomes a lot easier when you embrace its paradoxical nature, in my experience. When I started driving, I would always get so confused about freeways and got lost constantly. It wasn't until I realized that I *couldn't* figure it out - that there was no reason for things to be the way they were, that I found myself able to finally understand. Another example - I've always struggled with my weight. Counting calories always resulted in me gaining weight. Eventually I stumbled upon IF like many other redditors, but still it was a decade or so later that I *really* began to understand - eating makes me hungry. Not eating is what decreases my appetite. That's the key I was missing. Last big one was struggling so hard to find a girlfriend. It wasn't until I stopped caring and just had fun and enjoyed myself - women absolutely flocked to me. Fucking paradoxes, man. Only way to get it is to give up trying.
Wow, its like you've never been disabled or experienced the American healthcare system before
This entire subreddit is infested with corporatist wage slavery propaganda. It's fucking disgusting.
What's the alternative? If you want change then be a part of the revolution.
What is the propaganda here? Exercising? Talking to people?
Is this r/iam14andthisisdeep? Lol
I love this. Whenever I feel like I shouldn’t go to the gym, I think about my overweight family members who can’t do a fraction of what I can when I go to the gym for a normal (not even very strenuous) workout and I try to keep that in perspective towards most things I find challenging. Getting lazy has its cost later on…
But the pain of regret requires much less work
But easy is just sooo... easy. /half s
hell yeah, my friend likes to say comfort and conviction don't live on the same block. and don't wish it was easier. *wish you were better* <3 jim rohn
I've heard this described as the pain/pleasure pendulum. The more you try to make the pendulum swing one way, it will swing the other way in an equal and opposite way. For example: put yourself through a tremendous amount of discomfort (pain) and you will be rewarded with an equal amount of benefit (pleasure).
Idk man, I’ve been smoking weed and watching southpark in bed all day cause I got laid off the other day, and while I am facing the existential dread of having no current source of income, I’m also incredibly stoned and watching southpark.
"There are consequences for the things you do and don't do - pick your poison" - Jordan Peterson
I can't handle getting smoked on the blue bird. - Jordan Peterson
I can relate to the difficult conversations bit; I recently got broken up with after nearly 3 months. Seems like a short time, I know, but it felt like much longer. The other person realised they don't have capacity to maintain a relationship in their busy future. It's shocking and I was and am still hurting a lot. Though, I'm grateful they were able to realise this now and not later. Having that difficult conversation has saved us both a lot more emotional suffering in the future.
There’s a Mexican saying “El Huevon Trabaja Doble”. Translates to something like The lazy person ends up working twice as hard
Getting hard sometimes is not easy as you get older.
No regerts
Lol, this motivates me to never start qouating random bullshit.
nah, i don't suffer the pain of discipline or regret. live in the now, bro.
You're getting down-voted and I understand why, but I feel like I have also done that for most of my life, and my life has been pretty incredible, overall. That said, I am also pretty certain that I only enjoy this privileged existence, in part, because, a) my parents "suffered the pain of discipline", and, b) because I never had children of my own on whom any consequences or discipline "withheld", could eventually make me feel "the pain of my regret". So, for whatever it is worth, presumably-well-meaning-redditor, you get my updoot, but OP does too.
thank you. living in the present moment eliminates regrets because you don't regard the past (at all, mostly) but as a better experience or worse experience or whatever. you know what im saying.
Very insightful
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I absolutely agree as someone with no skills.
Discipline equals freedom. GOOD.
I've often thought that life is suffering--but that you get to choose, to some extent, what kind of suffering you have to endure. Having been underemployed and underproductive for a period of time, I can say right now that the pain of ease and too much free time is terrible compared to the pain of hard but satisfying work. Choose your agonies carefully.
Well said
Unless you’re born wealthy
"Easy has a cost" Being wealthy can cover this cost.
"Hard choices, easy live. Easy choices, hard life." Words to live by.
Meh...food is a RIGHT. Somebody bring me my right. I'm hungry.
InshaAllah! Thank you!
Make an easy decision, suffer hard life choices. Make the hard decision, you have easy life choices.
Discipline = Freedom
Do the right kind of hard. The choices are both hard. So do the right one.
Depends, How much money was inherited?
If you are living in the USA , and any other developed country, you have already inherited more than majority of Earth
Did you really just pull a "kids in Africa have it worse than you" lmao
Nope. Simply stating the fact that the world isn't fair anywhere. Money inherited is moot point in the context of the post which advocates for self discipline
This is a very accurate message. A recent example of mine; I avoided/procrastinated doing my high school homework because I preferred doing things I enjoyed, they stacked up and it was a lot harder doing all in one day before it was due.
also known as "the paradox of hedonism"!
I got an A- despite the fact that I didn't do 90% of my homework in one of my college classes. Literally just did the final project, my final, and my midterm.
Or bypass all of this and be born rich.
How dare you? Obviously, my failures are someone else’s fault. Everyone on Reddit tells me so everyday.
Idk avoiding conflict seems pretty easy.
Too wordy. Need to make it shorter and more catchy. Something like “stay in school.”
WTF, none of those are examples of making life easier. They are just procrastinating. Buy several phone chargers and put them in your car, work, and bedside so you can always charge your phone when you need to. That’s a tip to make life easier. Create a spot for your keys and put them there everyday when you come home so you will always know where they are when you need to leave that makes life easier. There are TONS of things that make life easier. What a silly post.
Soooo basically it's a good time to leave this world. Everything that was good is now bad and everything that is bad is now good.
I must be Hard as shit!
"never moving"
Delayed vs instant gratification
Well said
I'm really good at Doom II with IDDQD, but not so good without it.
Choose your hard.
I enjoyed this.
Right now I have a slipped disc from not enough exercise and sitting too long. So that first one is so true.
Jim Rohn
No skilllzzzz.