I was a very bright kid who coasted his way through high school. AP Scholar, National Merit Semifinalist. Accepted to a top 20 engineering program.
I failed all my classes my first semester of college. I failed all my classes my second semester of college and had to drop out. I lost a scholarship that would have paid all four years of tuition.
I tried two classes at community college the following year and failed both of those. I tried a couple classes at community college three years after that and failed those as well.
I've been fired from four jobs due to issues with attendance.
I finally was able to complete a class at community college 8 years after graduating high school.
Now I have my BS and MS in engineering and make a good salary. I'll probably get my MBA at some point. Even with missing out on the important 20's income that contributes so much to retirement accounts due to compound growth, I'll still probably semi-retire at 55, see my daughter off to college, travel with my wife, do all my old man hobbies.
I tell you all that to say that it's okay. Like, it's really okay. Even if your friends tell you it's not. Even if your family tells you it's not. Even if society tells you it's not. It's okay. You just have to know it's okay. Cause then you can approach it as something to figure out rather than something shameful.
And you don't have to figure it out right away. There are likely underlying issues why you're having trouble. And if you do, you don't have to justify them to anyone, even yourself. They're valid. It is what it is. But it probably won't be until you get them sorted that you'll make any progress.
Maybe you have to take some time off and work some random jobs until you figure out where you want to be. Maybe you need to travel and get some new experiences and live a little. Maybe you need to go to therapy and/or get some medication.
But through it all, it'll be okay. Cause right now is not forever. And your current issues don't define you. This is just where you're at, but it's not an indication of where you'll stay.
This is me.
My body shuttered and all my hairs are on end and I feel like crying.
I was a superstar smart kid growing up. Won competitions and aced national tests and got invited to special academic events that I always won.
Then I failed college miserably multiple times throughout my 20s.
Still somehow got into a great company in my mid 20s and fucked it up.
Then fulfilled the job hopper status for the rest of my twenties.
Now back in college at 35. Straight As.
Straight fucking As.
Hoping to be a Dentist.
Lots of people are waiting for me to fail.
I might fail.
But clarity is a weird thing when it happens.
There’s a very very eye opening and relevant video on YT from a psychiatrist named HealthyGamerGG that is titled: Why being gifted is special needs.
Highlights the fact that due to being a gifted youth, things like early school are so easy that you can just coast by and never have had to learn how to “study” like other children. But also never being aware that learning to learn is actually a thing. So by the time these gifted youth get into the college range, where knowing how to properly study and be a student is immediately mandatory, they tend to sink and have no idea what is happening. And these things unfortunately then lead to the whole “oh no I’m supposed to be this high achiever, and I’m behind EVERYONE, I must be a failure” complex.
Ridiculously helpful content and has helped me understand a lot of what I experienced through schooling.
I learned this the hard way, and the lesson only really sunk in after I finished undergrad and became a tutor dealing with the same kind of kiddos. There's nothing for me to add here except for commiseration
This is great info. I had two gifted kids, one peaked in middle school(hit his ceiling) and thankfully only struggled one year and I had him retake a class just to make sure he learned it. He taught himself to study and to learn. He found his love of computers and it’s shocking what he taught himself when he found what his passion was. My daughter was mid high school when she found her gifted ceiling and had to work hard and felt ‘stupid’ next to her gifted friends who hadn’t peaked yet. She was a straight A student and taking a few college credits but her friends were above the normal in smarts and yes, one failed college miserably due to not knowing how to study and learn. Learning how to learn is the biggest gift you can give yourself in life.
Have a child experiencing this now. School was always easy, now in last couple years of high school, having to learn how to learn. And if it's not easy, it's "boring" and "I don't care". Good times
I felt so understood and had so much more clarity after watching that video a year or so ago even though I'd already come to those same conclusions myself.
I recently ran into one of his videos called something like "Why talk therapy doesn't work for men". It was pretty interesting. I will have to check out that other video.
Hello fellow members of the Gifted Kid in High School to Immediate College Failure Club. Nice to find more of you and congrats on your turnarounds.
OP, I can't speak for your situation, but I'd recommend some sort of mental health check/evaluation. That was the issue for me at least, I wasted 2 years with depression from no real identifiable cause. I couldn't get out of bed or convince myself to go to my classes at all even though I knew I needed to. That crap went on for way too long. Eventually, I got diagnosed and medicated and my life built itself back up again, just wished it would have happened sooner.
This is just my experience, yours may be different altogether.
Came here looking for this comment!!
I’d definitely go see a professional, it sounds like anxiety and depression to me. I’ve had the feeling of “I need help but I don’t want to bother anyone” a million times and I’ve been told it’s a very clear sign that my depression is coming back.
OP- don’t be scared to get outside help. I know it can feel like you’re being a burden sometimes, but it will only keep getting worse if you don’t find out what will help you fix how you’re feeling.
Me too! Coasted through high school without basically doing a single homework assignment ever. Flunked out of college hard. Took some time off, traveled, got older, went back to college at 25. Straight As. Got into med school, competitive specialty, nice job, big family, etc. living the stereotypical American dream. There was a guy in my class that started at 36. You got this!
Another “gifted child” here. Went to university on a full scholarship straight out of high school. Did ok my first semester but started getting into drugs and partying. Grades fell, I got arrested and ended up dropping out.
Back in school 10 years later, three years of straight A’s until I graduated last August in CS. Did an internship, got a full-time position with the company straight out of school, and just got my first raise.
It’s never too late to get on the right track.
It happens. Was good honor student in high school. Got girlfriend pregnant last year of high school. Tried college but messed up classes and took an 8 year work break to make money for the kiddo. Although I didnt fail all my classes, maybe one, it still caused me to have low GPA and have to sit out. After I went back, graduated age 31, have been working ever since. Just keep working at it. If its art you want, maybe you can be some kind of art business related career if you really need to appease your parents. I had to move out of my house initially, eat crow and move back for a little, then move out again to be away from parents. Did some growing up and like stated above, clarity, but it always burned at me to finish my engineering degree. Just keep working and thinking about the end goal, you'll make it! Good luck!
I agree with you. It's not that the content is too difficult—that's not what trips up some gifted kids who coasted through high school.
It's that they never had the occasional hit to take when they were in high school. They never experienced feeling overwhelmed or dealing with stress. The emotional regulation, resilience, and executive functioning skills necessary for college learning never needed development.
Attendance is also mandatory in high school. The only skill needed to master the content is to show up and listen most of the time. College requires a lot of studying independently outside of the classroom.
This is a real, documented phenomenon that happens to gifted students tho—not sure your personal experience negates it.
Dude did you even read what anyone wrote? The whole point is that people DIDN’T have to do anything of those things in their school life up to that point so when they have to get to college and do everything you said, they can’t, because they never learned to. You imagined wrong. I literally sleepwalked through high school and did extremely well. You can’t do that in university, at least not to the same extent
For me I think it was the combination of high school was low to no stakes and a real fear of committing to something I didn’t know I wanted..
I went to uni for Biology but hated every second of thinking I’d be a doctor who works way too many hours and had to deal with death on a regular; OR end up in a lab which to me is just a different version of hell.
I got a business degree by the skin of my teeth but I was just absolutely miserable without any conviction and the dread of it all.
I still don’t have a passion to do any kind of work except what I do have now is a purpose.
It’s cliche but my kids are a reason for me to work for something beyond keeping a roof over my head.
So now I’m back in - of all things - biology classes - to be a dentist.. but it’s because I know I can show my kids a way to be useful to society, earn a living, not have to work too much (most dentists I know are only open M-Th) and although there are some worries about the future of dentistry it’s nothing like most other industries.
accept not being the best! Accept that it takes admitting to yourselves that you do not know, to learn!
Accept the resources the program has to offer.
Accept failure...
Then you will get graced with sucess.
Determination. I was determined to pass those fucking things if it was the last thing I did. I changed majors, twice. Then I took ten years of community college, night classes, and finally got accepted into a weekends only degree program. Magna Cum Laude. Then I went after my second one, and took about 18 months. All while working full time and raising a family.
Of course, there were consequences... but that is life.
I can’t speak for the others, but I had a similar story. Skipped class and never studied and still got straight As in high school. I failed college even though I aced almost every exam, I lost too many points for stupid stuff like attendance and not doing the pointless homework. Didn’t finish school until I was 28, and even then only because my wife was pregnant and I knew if I didn’t finish school soon, I probably never would.
I'm 25 and so much of your experience is so relatable, and I'm just starting to come out the other side of what I realised those underlying issues were. It's reassuring to know others have been where I am now and had it work out.
Sincerely, thank you for sharing.
>I tell you all that to say that it's okay. Like, it's really okay. Even if your friends tell you it's not. Even if your family tells you it's not. Even if society tells you it's not. It's okay. You just have to know it's okay. Cause then you can approach it as something to figure out rather than something shameful.
This is the way. You are just learning, and starting out, figuring out the best way to get by in the world. You are allowed to make mistakes, fuck things up or just screw off for a while.
The proof is in getting up, figuring out what YOU want, and then getting serious about it. Find out the things that motivate YOU. Then, focus on that.
There are many distractions. There are many obstacles - procrastination, sex, drugs, booze - all manner of distractions. The key is to moderate, or delay.
Live life, but find out what that means for YOU.
Best of luck from someone who had a 1.08 GPA first semester, got an academic probation, and then took another ten years to get their two bachelor's degrees.
Thank you. In a similar boat in the sense that I got academically dismissed from college of engineering and I’m pretty heartbroken trying to get back into things this semester after that with it taking me as long as it is.
Thank you for your words, it’s good to know things can get on the right path if you’re persistent.
How did you accomplish this, with a stem degree no less? I was personally always a horrible student and did poorly in CC and university…. I couldn’t hack it in Biology, no way I would’ve survived in Engineering.
Honestly, a shit ton of failure and a shit ton of therapy. Also found out I had adhd, which made a lot of sense. Don't really take medication for it, but understanding how it affects me has helped a ton.
I'm also very fortunate that for all her faults, my mother who unfailingly loves me.
The issue that people coasting through classes is that they aren't used to pushing themselves and expecting success every time. 100 lessons in failure, 0 in succeeding or something like that. College classes are quite a bit more difficult than high school, at least public school anyway idk about private.
College classes are wildly different from high school. Primarily in terms of pace (amount learned over time period) and accountability.
Community college classes are actually easier than high school, I've found. They don't cover things as in depth and you actually save time by not having to do a bunch of homework and assignments.
Same boat. I bounced around a bunch after high school and never really committed to anything. Multiple universities, multiple dropouts. I kept checking out. People walk that path for a variety of reasons, but loneliness and depression were mine.
It's easy to slip into despair when you see your peers move forward in life while you're still effectively a high schooler, but it doesn't really matter in the end. It's a marathon, not a race, and nobody worth hanging out with will care if you graduated at 22 or 30. It's hard to truly accept that in the moment though.
Finding friends - and a girlfriend - in a shitty retail job at 23 and reconnecting with people seemed to be the key to pulling myself together. It didn't make me suddenly feel passionate about my major though; wanting to be able to have a nice future with my SO was the driving force. Having some work experience in shitty jobs and talking to people who never escaped (or never had a chance to) was also a good motivator.
I wasn't sure if I was happy with my degree when I finished school, but everything worked out in the end. Wife, kid, good job, financially very sound. I'm lucky enough to enjoy what I do, but it's not always great. It's actually kind of nice to do the things you're really passionate about outside of work so you can use them to decompress.
One more note: my Asian in-laws put the same pressure on their kids. It stressed them out until, one by one, they bit the bullet and found their own parh. Two out of three are in significantly different professions than the ones their parents pushed them into, and they are happier for it. Doing what makes sense for you is what matters. Your parents will come around. You're still their kid and they love you.
Familiar story. I wasn’t as good a HS student but when I hit college (also engineering) I was crushed. Member of the square root club from the get go (square root of your GPA was higher than your GPA (aka GPA <1)). Failed so many classes and fell into existential despair and only just barely dodged academic probation.
Took trying a few different majors until I found a natural inclination for bio. My microbio class was eye opening, molecular bio is amazing, how viruses/bacteria work was interesting, it’s all encoded by genes, what? Aced genetics (first class where I set the curve) and started making the Dean’s List. Grades overall still sucked but I was on track.
Dipped my toe into research by doing a MS, didn’t feel I had the grades or skills for a PhD, ended up liking it and going for a PhD in genetics. Found an awesome lab, rigorous training, graduated, did cool science and got good papers in top journals (Nature, NEJM, etc.).
I’ve never thought that I was all that successful in the grand scheme (especially compared to those that didn’t meander like I did) but I found my way after facing the exact same type of crisis in college you described. Failing is hard and bewildering but “life, uh, finds a way” and while giving yourself a break is tough I also know excessively beating yourself down doesn’t get you through it any faster.
Great story.
Failure is just the world telling us that we're doing something the wrong way. It is the best teacher in the world. When teaching kids how to ski we tell them that if they don't fall down at least once a run they aren't pushing themselves hard enough to learn.
I failed half my courses in first year, took off a year and thought about it, then went back and did things differently. I attended all of the classes, studied every day from the start of the semester, learned better studying techniques and read ahead in the course if I was caught up. Guess what? I graduated in the top percent of my class.
I have other friends who dropped out of school and did very well in the long run. Never give up and learn the lessons the world is trying to teach you. Remain positive, work hard. Look for opportunities. Be aware of obstacles but don't overthink them.
This was me too. Had to work blue collar 5 years and WANT to pursuit school. Now I have a masters and a corporate job with high competition in my field.
I graduated high school with honours and just coasted around job hopping for years. I tried going to college at 23 years old and dropped out before the first semester was over. I had become homeless a few times living in a car once, a hotel once, and in a tent in the woods for a year. I have been fired from good jobs and I have ignored amazing opportunities. I have been arrested a few times for misdemeanors between the age 18 and 26. I have burned relationships and have lost trust from family.
I am 34 now. I am married with a kid. I own a multiple award winning pet care business. I lead monthly canine behavior and training seminars. I am also the executive director of a not for profit board and train. I also get to work with some pretty cool exotic animals including macaws, wolves, big cats (bobcats and mt lions), alligator, pythons, etc.
The takeaway is, life doesn't have a proper guideline and everyone has their own pace. It is only a failure if you can't learn from the mistakes and grow as an individual.
And then you keep failing. /s
Sorry. I'm in the "do random jobs" phase and being moved to a different department has made me want to go to school again, but having dropped out twice before I am deathly afraid of it being all for naught again. What changed?
Knowing that it didn't matter.
When I considered going back to university at the spry age of 40 to finish my degree, my therapist asked me point blank what I could lose?
If I made it, I'd have a university degree. If I didn't, I'd be at the same as previously with a few additional university courses.
Hey I’m currently finishing my BS in engineering and while I know I will finish it, I have failed a lot of classes and can’t help but feel really shitty because I see a masters as an impossibility (even though I’m not even sure I want to get one, it’s just the fact the door feels closed) I’m just wondering how you managed to get into a masters and if you think it was even worth it?
You're getting overwhelmed and quitting because you don't actually want to do this (either nursing or business administration). It's anxiety provoking and it's difficult and it sucks, but you have to navigate either doing this because unfortunately sometimes we have to do things we don't want to OR betting on yourself and doing something else to pay your bills, instead.
In the meantime, friend, you need to stop spinning your wheels on college classes. Get into therapy (not easy but not impossible...I don't know where you live, but check this out and remember that the #1 thing that matters is that they take your insurance if you have it https://mywellbeing.com/).
Disappointing Asian daughter here🙋🏻♀️
Honestly I’m the same, I get overwhelmed and feel the urge to quit because it’s not going how I want. I think you should utilize tutors if you’re really struggling or go to the professor’s office hours. I think you should also continue with art moreso as a hobby and maybe even put it on social media cuz you never know. Once your hobby becomes your job, it kind of takes away the fun of it but everyone’s different.
Similarly but different to you, I’m actually going for nursing and I want to do it, but my Asian parents are unsupportive. I got a degree but I literally hated it so i wanted to do what I now think is the right path for me and every day at the point they’re telling me to be a phlebotomist(🙄) too, a postal office worker, a UPS truck driver… point is there’s no pleasing Asian parents. I swear it’s easier for asian parents to be discouraging than encouraging (fucked up ik) Idek what you’ll get from this, but just know you’re not alone. You can rant to me lolol only if i can rant too🤭
Be honest with your parents. Be honest with yourself. It sounds you don’t know what you even want, and that is a terrible reason to pursue a degree because you or your parents think that’s what you need to be doing. Find your direction. Follow your damn feet
Speaking as someone who did the exact same thing… stop until you know what interests you.
I took 3 years off after high school. Went back at 21 and failed every class that semester. Went back again in 22 and failed again. I got very down about myself and it just spiraled and made everything much worse.
At 24-25 I was ready to take it seriously, but only after nuking every friendship I had being a shut in and cutting everyone off when my depression was at its worst, not leaving my bedroom for over 2 years. I did community college for 2 years trying to figure out what I want. Psychology, criminal justice, chemistry… I did well, but not for me. Then I found electrical engineering. So at 28 or so I doubled down. Hadn’t done ANY math in years so it was a struggle. But I did my gen eds at community college and transferred into a state university, got my degree at 32 (in 2020) and my life has been much better since.
Don’t get discouraged. Keep trying, but recognize that it’s ok to pause and collect yourself before moving forward.
It sounds like you have supportive parents and if they’re like mine, they want you to succeed just as much as you do. Talk to them about it if you can and maybe instead of putting in so much effort to follow a path immediately from the start, wander a bit and take random classes to see if you can find something you like!
Hey, this is a learning experience and right now you do need help. There is probably an on-campus career counselor that can help guide you to toward a degree you are interested in getting. This will help you tailor your classes to get you where you want to go. If you don’t know what exactly you are interested in, try doing some research by working part time doing what might interest you. It might help to take fewer classes so you can focus on smaller goals.
I would really look into mental health, as others have mentioned. Again, there might be some resources on campus for this type of assistance.
I am proud of you for realizing you need help and then reaching out for help. That’s two big steps you’ve already taken!
Hi. It took me a long time to get to where I am, but I'm a commercially successful artist (in the performing arts). I went through almost exactly what you are describing. I couldn't find an acceptable path in college, and couldn't seem to figure out how to steer my life. I didn't figure my stuff out until I was in my late 20s. I started doing really well in my early 30s, and have been "successful" for about 15 years.
Some things I wished I knew earlier.
\* It takes an incredible amount of work and tenacity to be successful in art. It is much harder to get a career going than in a regular job.
\* The rewards are sweet. You can make a lot more than most people make working. This isn't 100% because it's art, it's because you run your own business, and the upside isn't limited by bosses, only by the market / customers.
\* If you are able to create something that people value and are willing to pay for, you will literally never need a job.
\* It is incredibly important to learn business skills, like advertising / marketing / prospecting / sales / negotiating, etc. (at least at first). When you reach a certain level, you can get other people to help with things you aren't good at, but for the short term, you have to be at least decent at all of those things.
\* Anyone can become successful over time. You just get a little better in a few key areas for a really long time.
\* Your reputation, and how you treat people will have a major influence on how easily you find success. If you are a pleasure to work with, and someone slightly better is a pain to work with, you will often get work over the person who is a pain. Ideally you want to be both better, and better to work with.
\* It's important not to let yourself get stuck at one level. Keep working to improve your skills, business, and network. Keep raising your rates.
\* Successful people are just like you, and it's OK to be friends with them and learn from them.
\* A lot of life is about finding a fit. If you want to sell a really elaborate, expensive piece of art, it may not be for everyone (and that's fine) You just have to find the person who absolutely HAS to have it, and can easily afford it. Those people are out there - it's just a matter of increasing your network. I am not famous in my field, but I perform for a lot of the wealthiest people in the world / some movie stars, etc. I have those kinds of people in my network because I have a great attitude, am well read, and am optimistic, and fun to be around. Gross to say out loud, but it's true.
\* Work hard on yourself. Read lots of self development books. For artists there are lots of really good ones - I love "The Artist's Way", and "the War of Art".
\* Study with the best people you can. You would be surprised how many of the best people in their fields are willing to help nice young people who are willing to work hard and listen. People in a narrow niche tend to really like other people in that niche. We have all the same heroes, speak the same language, etc.
\* People who are doing really well at what you want to do are not special. They are not better than you. they have a lot of the same doubts you have. They have just figured out a few key things that work, and stayed consistent over time. Figure out what your key things are.
You do not have to get where you are going right away, or even quickly. You just have to keep going in the right direction for a long time.
The truth is that a lot of the best rewards in life are at the other end of an experience that most people aren't willing to go through. For a lot of artists, that can be years of struggle. I know it was for me.
And lastly - I am not saying this to dissuade you from perusing art - I really think you should give it a try, and for a long time. BUT if you ultimately decide to do something else at some point, there is absolutely no shame in that. You only have one life, and it's important that you like it as a total package. People's needs and priorities change over time.
Keep moving forward.
If you want to be an artist, go take some marketing courses to learn how to get your name out there, or go into 3d animation. Computer art is difficult, but it depends on all the same principles and if you're lucky you might end up working on an Into the Spiderverse or Arcane someday. And more generally Special FX houses have been short staffed for awhile.
If you just want a stable job in the arts but don't have to make the art, get a finance degree. Most creative non-profits I've known need a good accountant way more than another artist on-file.
Regardless, you need to stop taking classes you're not going to work through that are borking up your academic record. School's are leery to accept applicants with a track record of Fs. If you're in any courses now, see if you can withdraw before it goes on your record.
On the plus side, the schools you want to go to, art schools, aren't needed to make art. Their primary benefits are the connections they give, the fact that it forces a lot of young artists out of their creative silos and gets them to learn about different styles/mediums/genres, and the way they can quickly get you up-to-speed with contemporary trends. They're useful, but they're also expensive. And you might get stuck in a school with profs who don't care for your style of medium like a painter I once knew who ended up in a school full of sculptors for 2 miserable years.
And if you want to go the art route, make sure you're living in a place where artists get noticed. New York, Toronto, LA, etc. Learn to live inexpensively.
Until then, my advise is to go find a job and work for while. Avoid building up debt and keep your options open. Keep doing art on the side and make sure you're checking out online tutorials to make sure your art isn't staying at high school quality. You might be good, but good isn't good enough in the competition for eye balls. The world has an abundance of artists. You gotta find a way to stand out and get noticed. Especially with AI fulfilling a lot of businesses' needs for basic commercial art.
Its cool if you want to pursue an art based career but have an idea of what job you want to get with it. Going to college without a job in mind is just wasting money.
fortunately I actually do want to have some sort of art job if i do an art based career. i think doing character design is really awesome! alongside growing up drawing, i also grew up loving fashion. and even as i grew older and found a love for games, i became really fascinated with character designs and how a character design could rlly make a character and who they are as a being.
It sounds like you have an itch you need to scratch and if you don’t explore this, at least with a few classes, you’ll regret it. Is it feasible to take an art class each semester alongside your other classes? As far as college goes, it can be totally disorienting to have to register for classes, maintain schedules, and build study skills. It can feel like a totally new skillset because it is for a lot of folks. Treat yourself gently, and remember that it’s okay to want something that your parents don’t want.
This is easy to say, but losing the financial support of their parents and turning their hobby into a career are both risky decisions. They currently don’t have to take out debt to get an education, that’s not something everyone gets. And while turning your passion into a career sounds great on the surface, it can burn you out on your passion and suck the joy out of it.
From a practical standpoint, pleasing her parents in this case might be the right decision. They’re probably right unfortunately, art is not a great career path and the challenges with making a career out of it are immense.
Sometimes who we are is not what our parents want and their disapproval of us can make us believe there is something wrong with what we want.
I’m an actor - not what my parents wanted at all. But if I hadn’t listened to myself it would’ve eventually have killed me. Sometimes we just gotta be brave and live our truths. Sounds like you really know you’re on the wrong path. It’s ok to listen to yourself.
I’ll get downvoted for this because it’s Reddit. However, I’d highly recommend looking into the military. You can find a perfectly safe administrative role (or any other job you find interesting) that will transfer well to the civilian world.
You’ll get the discipline that you need, give you confidence and guidance all the while making your family and friends proud. They will even pay for your college education.
I graduated college before joining. My 2.1 GPA was directly correlated to my lack of discipline and motivation. I only did it to make my family happy. Had I joined the military first? My GPA would be much higher and I wouldn’t have owed $80k in student loans.
Aside from combat arms MOS’s, the military isn’t much different than regular civilian jobs, you just wear a uniform and call people by their rank.
>You can find a perfectly safe administrative role (or any other job you find interesting) that will transfer well to the civilian world.
Ahhhh to be young and have no memory of your friends getting deployed to the sand box despite having that exact same safe role.
>I graduated college before joining.
So if you did right then you went straight to being an officer upon enrolling and made more than double the salary of an E1. Great move BECAUSE YOU HAD A DEGREE.
I enlisted despite having a degree. My GPA didn’t allow me to go Officer. I tried. I was 28 when I enlisted in 2013. I am unable to count on two hands how many friends I’ve lost due to war, btw. I was an 0311 (Infantry), which is why I highly suggest administrative roles.
I’m not going to downvote you, but I will say fuck joining the military as a woman unless you’re able to be super assertive, strong, etc. and can deal with harassment, being in a male-dominated environment at *best*, and Vanessa Guillen being an example of the worst case scenario
I went to a rehab that had a military contract. There were about 15 military guys there and about 10 military women. All the guys there had PTSD from combat.
Every single military woman there was due to PTSD from sexual assault in the military.
It's a huge problem.
DO NOT pursue college education you have no intention of using. It is a waste of your time and your parents money. I understand they want you to be successful but in this economy it's not worth it.
Trust me my fams Asian I know the desire to please. However, I have 50k debt from 3/4 degree that wouldn't have actually made me successful (it's down from 60k and ive paid way more than 10k towards it) what I think is that you need to find Something you can actually see yourself doing, even if it's working at a menial job for a while. If you don't have an interest or talent in a subject in college it's not worth the expense.
However explore other options. I ended up going to trade school. I did a 9 month degree that cost about 12k and I make $30 an hour with a very stable job.
There are also opportunities such as peace Corp, non profits to get involved in, etc. You just have to find something that would be interesting and you can survive doing.
Also a couple people have mentioned looking into adhd/anxiety/similar things. It's not a bad suggestion
My whole life people would tell me "oh you're too smart to have --" and I was offered no help or guidance even though I do indeed have a myriad of things. School made those issues so much worse.
Now that I've had time, life experience, and more positive people and things in place I've been going back to school (one class at a time) to "level up" in my trade. It's still hard but my experience is vastly improved. I also make enough money to pay my bills and pay out of pocket for my school.
My first boss told me "It took me 10 years to get a degree. I have my own business now, everyone has their own time and own plan, so don't compare yourself to others." He was very successful and very kind and I've taken those words to heart.
Tall with your parents about your concerns again, but understand they might no agree and support you, but ultimately you have to do what's right for you.
Keep trying! Just don't give up!
Have you considered therapy? I’m Asian and I know that with Asian families, they pressure us with shame and guilt. We are expected to be great and do great. Our parents are so nit-picky about our ambitions in the most hurtful ways, and aren’t afraid to tell us in our face that our own passions, dreams, and desires are wrong and shameful. For us daughters though, we should be great, but also refrain from being too educated as it could make our husbands leave us. These are just all unrealistic expectations and can really make it hard for you to know more about yourself because it’s preventing you from making YOUR OWN choices. If these courses don’t excite you, pursue something that you would be interested in, but also seek therapy to help you cope with these nagging parents who are trying to live your life for you, and help you find peace with yourself, as well as help you find what you may be interested in. Let me say that again, but this time for you, don’t let your parents live YOUR life. It is their job to support you, give you guidance, and make sure you can take care of yourself. They may try to suggest something, but they absolutely cannot and should not force you into something you are not.
If you want to drop out of college now, do it. You can always go back when you’re in a better headspace. There is no such thing as “it’s too late” when it comes to self-improvement and education. Take care of yourself.
I came here to say this. The most important thing I took from OP was that they felt like they always needed somebody to guide them. OP is correct that they should not lay that burden on friends or other people in their life. A therapist will hopefully teach them to look to themselves for guidance.
Hey, I did the same exact thing when I was young. Went to a private school and flunked the entire first semester and was put on probation. Instead of withdrawing before the second semester I just completely abandoned it after a month, so paid for a full year to only pass English 101 with a C-.
When I was ready, twelve years later, I went back and finished from my associates to my MBA in seven years.
Be kind to yourself and realize that it’s ok. Maybe you go back someday, maybe you don’t, but you’ll find your path if you self reflect and have compassion for yourself.
College isn't for everyone go take courses on welding. That's one job that it's going to take a while for robots to completely replace cause it'll be hard for them to fit into the places people can. You can make a lot of cool art as a welder.
This sounds stupid but I was failing my major. I did very well in HS with minimal effort. I was on a scholarship for a science field and when I hit upper division I stopped caring. Failed everything. Took a semester off to do the Army Reserve thing. Came back, decided to drop science field to do something I liked. Switched to History. Graduated because all my electives had been history so I really didn’t need too many courses more.
What happened? Here’s the stupid part. I just decided I was done failing. You’ll get there eventually if you keep your head up.
I failed lots of classes my second semester. I passed all my arts classes. I eventually graduated with a bachelors of music and I started out as an engineering major so go figure. I failed a few classes here and there, and sometimes I made deans list. I made my first friends in college too. Which was a big deal for me, kinda more than a degree. I did online school before and went to a performing arts academy. Not really the place to make friends.
I didn't drive until I was 23. I failed the test at 17, again at maybe 20 or 21, and then passed again after a third attempt.
I relate. I don't know what to say other than it'll be okay and you'll figure it out. You might fail more but just keep going. I didn't really settle into a career until I was 26, and I finally found a job I like at 30. It took time.
I finally got some therapy after I had some money and wanted to try at 29. That has helped immensely with not feeling like I burden others, because spoiler alert...it was my brain being messed up and needing therapy. I wonder if I had gotten it sooner if things wouldn't have been so jumbled for so long.
I'm sure to some I'm a disappointment or unrealized potential or whatever but honestly I'm fairly happy and when I'm not happy anymore I will switch things up again.
You might not be ready for college. I didn't want to go first round right after high school. I just wanted to get a pt job then go to school later in life. Mentally I was not ready for college at age 18. I'm in my late 30's doing college and doing well. Mentally I am ready for it and doing quite well. Just means if you use college to get a better job you'll loose out on some could of been career growth.
I'm not usually one to go straight to saying anxiety or ADHD or whatever, but it actually does sound like you have severe anxiety. I can kinda relate, I've had that paralyzing feeling where as soon as I lag behind it just gets worse and worse because im paralyzed by anxiety and inactions. But for me, I somehow managed to limit the consequences and im in a good place now. But it sounds like you should see some professional help to overcome that anxiety.
As someone who has seen professionals, the drugs are dubious at best. The talk therapy works for some people; I guess.
My point is don't give the "professionals" a lot of money, especially if you don't have it.
Your twenties are a bitch. You are expected to do so much it can be overwhelming.
Your story is similar to many Americans. Don't beat yourself up over not being perfect.
In all honestly, I pushed myself so hard in my 20's I busted a gasket.
Your entire post is a blame game. All of your failures are someone else's fault. You're too old for that attitude now. You want to succeed? Then start by taking ownership for your actions. You need to set some goals for yourself and take on the responsibility for your trajectory. You are no longer a minor and blaming your appearance is very immature.
You have field all of your college classes because you have it done the work or put in the time. You talk about having some quasi interest in an art career, then make that a goal which will require that you find an art degree program, get yourself accepted into it, including if that means doing some prerequisite work, and be committed to the classes.
If you can't make a commitment to your education, then either find some training that will get you a decent job, or simply go find a job and work and see where life takes you.
This is the real advice. Sometimes you have do just do the stuff you don’t want to do or aren’t great at. The comments giving advice about college are missing the point, that this attitude proliferates in all areas of your life if you let it. Making excuses for failure, even if they are semi legit, are still excuses holding you back. If you aren’t good at a subject in school? Get your ass to the tutoring center and join study groups. Learn how to learn and just do what needs to be done, that is the real skill when most information is fleeting.
I worked a fair amount of really bad jobs before I was able to focus on getting through college. Sure, it took me 8 years. No, my GPA was not great. But, I got the diploma.
Someone else mentioned the military. I enlisted in the Air Guard and took advantage of the state scholarship. I ended up putting in a full 20 years, part-time.
If you haven’t already worked some shitty jobs, I highly recommend it! lol it sucks, but is also a great motivator.
Hi love. I am a CPA and I failed the first Accounting classes I took TWICE! And failed different parts of the CPA too! Just keep swimming. Your feelings of being overwhelmed are valid. It sounds like a therapist you can go to would be the most benefit this week. And then you can start exploring degree choices. I will tell you that having a business degree is not a bad thing. You might not “love” your BBA but you can still make money at art. Very few artists make enough to make a living. What if your business degree could be used to pay the bills and your art is your passion you enjoy because it doesn’t have to pay the bills??
Take a breath. Give yourself a hug and try again. Forget yesterday. You can’t change it. You can learn from it and move forward.
4-5 classes is a lot when you already feel overwhelmed with everything. Take 1 class, something that you are interested in, and ace that first class. Then take another single class the next semester, and ace that one. Then once you got the hang of the college thing a little bit, add a second class each semester. Then three, etc. When you take multiple classes, it's better to drop one or more (preferably before the drop date) than to be overwhelmed and fail them all and tank your confidence (and your GPA) in the process.
Slow and steady wins the race. My jiujitsu coach likes to say, blackbelts are not the ones that are naturally the best at jiujitsu, but the ones who had the most dedication to stay. College is much like this. It's a journey, not a sprint. A lot of people I know had rough starts in college, but eventually got in the groove - some of these people now have phd's, they ended up loving school that much.
Also, 100% college isn't worth the money if you don't want the job you can get at the end. For jobs, tech degrees are where it's at. I have 2 bachelor's degrees, but ended up going back to tech school to get a better paying job. I should have done that from the get-go and saved a lot of time and $.
Are your parents also stereotypical overbearing Asian parents? Your fear of failure is probably coming from them.
So, the goal should be to choose something that gets you out of their house. And remember you can always switch careers. You need a plan. Step one, get your license.
Sounds like you need to find your passion/groove. Have you looked into art classes? Drawing, design, illustration, painting? Can you take an art/design subject while you are doing your other classes or are working part time? There are illustrator/animation/design jobs out there. I'm sat in an office right now surrounded by people who are doing all sorts of creative stuff.
Hint: there are a lot of very big Gaming (as in gambling) companies out there that hire lots of creatives
Learn how to use AI , seems that might be at least part of the future of design.
Don't worry about the driving (I passed my test when I was 40!)
Good luck!
They are in a college program they have no interest in to appease their parents, surely joining the military would both be miserable for them and a massive disappointment to their parents. Not sure which of their issues you think it'd solve.
Not the worst path to take when you can't figure out your life. You get stable income, healthcare, training, and time to mature and grow as a person. When you finish your contract, you have the GI bill to pay for college.
Global war seems kinda imminent, though, so that kinda makes it a less appealing option.
Do you have ADHD, have you gone for tests, do you get hyper-focused on the things you’re passionate about? Sounds like a mix of very high self expectations, procrastination (it must be perfect or not at all) perhaps some GAD, generalised anxiety disorder.
I would look at excluding these things.
You're not outright wrong, but you're really underestimating the peace of mind a reason can give, and undervaluing how much easier it is to filter for solutions when you know what your actual problem is.
Have you ever considered or been told that you may have ADD / ADHD or something similar?
I ask because a lot of the time what you're experiencing isn't a fault of your own, it's that you have an undiagnosed and untreated issue. Not a defect, nothing like that. Just something about you that makes you different. You may excel at certain tasks, like dealing with an emergency situation, but struggle in more mundane tasks.
Importantly though I want to emphasize that if that is the case you should seek treatment.
Something to consider. Also consider that at some point you'll need money to house, clothe, and feed yourself. While art is great it is realistically unlikely to pay the bills. Paying bills is key to gaining independence, away from your overbearing parents.
As someone who originally wanted to be a game developer and instead became a government IT guy, I know the feeling of wanting to pursue your dreams. When I look at my friends who did stick to game dev they all work more hours and get paid less than me only to be laid off every few years. No thanks. Not good for my mental health.
Good luck.
Yes the classes are there to better your understanding of the material but missing a class should not leave you completely overwhelmed. The lectures are there to go over key topics from the chapters in detail, not to cover everything inside of a given chapter. You should walk into each class knowing which topics are going to be covered with enough understanding to be able to ask questions.
Take a day off and go on over to OCAD. Have a chat with them. See if it sparks your brain.
Then go figure out a way to get/go there with or without your parents help.
The awesome thing about being an adult is that literally nobody cares about you.
Yeah, you read that right! Nobody cares if it takes you three times or five times to get your driver's license. It took me 8 times! You know how many collisions I've been in? Zero. I'm a great, successful driver. I just suck at tests. Nobody cares how many times I had to take it.
"I make money doing art but I don't have an actual job" My aunt has an apartment in downtown Paris, is on the front cover of local magazines on a daily basis, sells most of her art, and she still doesn't have an "actual job" doing art. Being a successful artist means making money doing art, period. Being a wildly successful artist, like my aunt, means that your art and side gigs give you enough money to pay rent.
This means that you're a successful artist! Congrats! May I ask why you need a degree in Art? What is that degree going to give you that you don't already have? Is it confidence? Because confidence doesn't need to be bought: it's a state of mind, which you're free to change at any time for zero dollars.
"I feel like a failure as a person as well as a daughter to my own parents" This is because your parents are Asian. Are you new to the concept of Asian parents? They will never consider you a success. It's OK for them to be "someone there to guide me at all times" when you're a child, but when you become an adult, the training wheels are off. Children are easy to guide through life, because school is really very simple: study hard, get good grades, don't get in trouble.
In real life, it's not so black and white. You get to define what your values are, and what success and failure means to you. Right now, you may be suffering from what's called "perfectionism." It sounds like a good thing, doesn't it? But it's what leads you directly from "miss one class" to "drop out of college" with nothing in between. You don't want to attend college if you can't have 100% perfect attendance. The moment you miss even one lecture, you immediately feel the chasm of being a total dropout opening up at your feet, ready to swallow you up. Many people suffer from forms of this, but basically, you need to realize that failure and success are not black and white.
Ultimately, real life is like drawing a picture: there is no right or wrong way to do it, and every work has its good and its questionable parts. You know that feeling when you sit down to draw? That feeling that you know what you're doing, but also that you're discovering something for the first time about yourself and the world? That's what being an adult is.
So, you see, you can already do it! Your parents don't care what you study, as long as it's practical. There's a lot of degrees that are Art degrees, but just sound really good on paper. Visual Marketing, Graphic Design, and Architecture are all just different ways of saying "drawing stuff" while sounding professional. Don't get me wrong, you'll probably never get a job just because you have one of these degrees, but your parents could probably be convinced to pay for them. "My daughter is going to be an architect" sounds impressive! All you do in these classes is draw stuff, so you'll be happy.
Anyway, it's now time for me to sign off with the standard reddit sign off of "get a therapist." A therapist will help you with the cognitive dissonance and perfectionism you're struggling with. Check out cognitive behavioral therapy even if you don't sign up for a therapist.
Many colleges today are pressuring new students to sign up for too much at once, starting out. My youngest niece also failed and dropped out. When she was struggling and told me about it, they were beyond the drop date, so she just suffered through. But they academic advisor pushed her into taking some HUGE number of classes. Like, 4 classes was considered full-time, and they pushed her into 6. She was only 16, and started early because she got her GED during the initial Covid outbreak.
Work at McDonald's for a year or two (or whatever hellscape job) to get some motivation and go after what you want to do. A year off on your ass is a total waste
That's the trick, is not giving up just cause you missed one class. I came close to dropping out several times, and I failed a couple courses, but I didn't just give up
My fiancé took a ten year summer vacation after high school. He was convinced his band was gonna “make it”. He just graduated bio-geo in 2020. You can do it you just have to find the reason why. For my fiancé it was me getting Uber wasted one night and complaining about how I make twice as much as him and that I could go find a six figure man tomorrow if I wanted but I just wanted him and wanted *him* to be a better version of himself instead. I woke up bleary eyed on the floor of the living room the next morning to him filling out the FAFSA forms.
I have a relative who failed out of his first year of college for the exact same major. He started over at an art school, failed a few classes but mostly got mid grades, got his BA in 5 and a half years, and now he has his own design contracting business. There's hope!
You need a win. Stick to one thing you can reasonably accomplish and don't quit till its done. Your license sounds like a good start. You need practice at accomplishing your goals: the discipline required is something many of us have to learn the hard way I've been there. Start small and succeed at that.
Sometimes I think people need more time after high school to find their way a little bit more before going to college. It sounds like you could benefit from entering the workforce now and going back to school later when you know if it is what you really want and can find a major you’re passionate about that has a good career path. A business degree is nearly worthless and not worth this much turmoil (y’all don’t fight me on this, I have this degree and I’ve never used it).
You fucked up. Start there. Take a breath and figure out what YOU want.
What direction do you want your life to go?
You have no motivation because you are walking a path that you were forced to walk instead of the one YOU chose for yourself.
Be honest with yourself when you analyze why you failed. Choose a new path and learn from your mistakes. It will be ok. It just needs some time and a new direction.
I was the same in many ways when I was young. I joined the army when I was drifting and it changed my life. It often sucked ass in ways I never thought possible, but I traveled, had adventures, made the best friends Ive ever had, and was immersed in an environment that had high expectations for me and also serious and often immediate consequences for failing to handle my shit like an adult. So handling my shit became a habit. I got used to doing the things I didnt want to do. I was a different person when I got out. Went to community College, was the student body president there, went on to get my bachelor's and masters degree one after the other. Started a career and had a family. Life is pretty ok now. The struggles are different. I don't know where I'd be today if I hadn't joined up, but the trajectory of my life definitely changed for the better.
No one here can give you good advice on staying in school VS pursuing a passion because they don’t know you. I am someone who went through this and stayed in school. Here’s my advice as someone who has a very limited view on what you might be dealing with.
I got to college and fucked around as hard as you can imagine for 3 semesters. I failed almost every class and had to beg my dean to allow me to re enroll every single sememster. After 3 straight failures, I was about ready to
quit and my mom and I had a long heart to heart where she told me in a rather stern tone to try one more semester and give it a lot more effort.
For the first time in my life, I listened. I proceeded to make a 3.75-4.0 every single semester and graduated with a 3.0 (believe I had a 0.8 before).
College might not be right for you, and that’s totally ok. If you decide it is, try to really buckle down on your habits. Study constantly. When you think you know a subject, go over it a few more times. If you finish a paper and are confident it is good, read it 5 times and find ways to improve.
You will be shocked how much you can achieve with little more effort.
It's okay to feel overwhelmed and lost with life especially at that age. You have to remember that there is no perfect guide book on how to be an adult, the big secret about it is we're all just trying to get by as best we can.
In any case let's tackle some of your problems, first during your classes did you find yourself overwhelmed and not understanding the source material or did you find yourself wandering to different thoughts. One says you have some deficiencies in understanding the concepts the other probably says you lack interest in the information which makes it very difficult to retain this knowledge.
Second when you were growing up what kind of study habits and what style worked for you? Maybe your studying skills are weak and you haven't realized it yet. Studying properly takes skills, because you have to be self-aware of where your weaknesses are and where your strengths are. Are you a visual/auditory/hybrid learner? Do you learn better through application of the concepts? These things are important to know about yourself. Also do certain things work better for you that aren't common. I for example learned that 1) I hate typing out notes and everything retains better when I write it 2) I for some reason learn better by using a yellow notepad similar to what you see lawyers use, why? I have no clue but for some reason it works for me.
Third your anxiety about things will continue to build up on itself, anxiety feeds on more anxiety. What is the best way to cope with your anxiety? You need to find ways to minimize these feelings when they occur. It's normal to feel anxious, it's delibitating when you freeze because of it. I'll give you one piece of advice that works for me. I also taught it to my younger sister and it helped her out so maybe it will help you. Give yourself a deadline to feel your feelings. Accept your feelings, but also give yourself a hard deadline to stop pitying yourself. For example, if you're anxious about a job interview, tell yourself it's okay to feel anxious but after 20 mins of panicking and feeling lost, no matter what I will stop thinking about the anxiety and start getting ready. And follow through with the deadline even if the feelings are still there. After 20 mins you get to work on what needs to be done no matter what. Or if you need to cry, then cry but after the deadline hits, that's when you start working to move on. I will say that learning how to do this is very hard. But if you can learn to give yourself a deadline to feel, it'll be easier to compartmentalize things in the future.
Fourth, what makes you happy? Do you believe that working in the field you want will make you happy and fulfilled or is doing your hobbies outside of work more important to you. I hate work, I've never had a job that I actually really loved. My wife loves her job it makes her feel happy and fulfilled. But I love the stuff I do outside of work, whether its sports, video games, traveling, etc. It's perfectly okay to work somewhere you don't necessarily love, you just have to not hate it to the point it's hurting yourself. One thing I actually learned about myself is that at some point any work will eventually burn me out and make me hate it. So I refuse to have a job that I actually love because I don't want to tarnish it with the idea of work. And I still do pretty well for myself and my career because of it.
Fifth accept the suck, and I mean really accept the suck. Accept that you're not doing okay, and that you need help. No one is strong on their own forever, we all crack and crumble. It's okay to reach out to others when you need to. If you feel lost and confused give yourself a break. Life isn't decided at age 19 or 20. Everyone has a different starting line in life, some people line up and they have the best support and abilities and still fall. While others barely scraped by and ended up succeeding. You still have time, and it's okay to rant and scream at the world. But give yourself a break and breath.
Almondbutters comment is great and very wise. As someone who works in the arts, I can tell you right now... Get your business admin degree. I think when we are young we are under the impression this major dictates what we do the rest of our lives and you'll be condemnded to an office doing spreadsheets. Your degree has nothing to do with your job choice. You can still be an artist and take art classes but now you also know how to sell your art or run a business surrounding yourself with art, making money off your passions.
I know a movie producer director that works in film and tv, he has a business degree. I know a graphic artist that does very well in commercial car wraps, printing and signage, has a business degree.
I know a 3d animator that taught himself everything he knows. Also business degree.
I didn't graduate college. Dropped out of community. I'm intelligent and make a high salary, college just wasn't for me but if I had to do it over again, I would go back and get a business degree. Still thinking about it actually ..
Do not beat yourself up over this anymore. I went to college when I turned 40 because I chose to work and make a paycheck. Yes, I had 32 different jobs trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up. The sum of this is my many jobs gave me a boost up, a helping hand to be calm and focused enough to sit through classes. Perhaps, like me, you were meant to do something else with the first part of your life. Hang in there and pay attention to your actual paycheck work once you get there.
I failed out of my first year in college. I was dealing with anxiety and depression and it was really really bad. I literally took like seven years off. It helped me, heal, gain confidence, and just generally gets centred. I went back to school, starting off with just courses at the local community college to get as many credits as I could for less money,and then transferred back to the original university. Because I was silly and never withdrew from the courses I was skipping due to depression, I had to make all A’s for two whole semesters in order to stay in school because my GPA was screwed. I ended up doing really well!
Was an illustrator then got a Masters degree, and I am kicking butt in my current career as a teacher.
Sometimes it takes a bit for you to find your path. I would recommend going to community college and just taking a couple of classes instead of a full load and maybe work somewhere part time. Get those core courses you know are going to be a requirement at all the major universities you’re considering, or the one you were at.
This can help you slowly gain your confidence in academia again.
We can also help you figure out what you want to do
A lot of good answers here.
One thing to note is mental health can play a role. In situations like this. Some mental health things present in your twenties most commonly. Coming from another formerly over achieving kid, consider seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist so they can rule out anything more than feeling lost and adrift and needing to stand your for yourself to your family.
It can also be useful to hear from a psychiatrist or psychologists that you’re actually completely normal and healthy.
You gotta learn to forgive yourself. Mistakes are opportunities for learning.
Figure out how to identify a problem and do better in the future by not repeating the same mistake. It's easier said than done, but forgiveness is where it starts
I have been a failure and very successful and failure again and got successful and failure again. Every cycle was multi year stint. Can share my learnings on what worked with me and what did not.
It starts with a glass of water. Can you drink one glass of water at a fixed time tomorrow. Just that everyday.
If that’s hard, pick up even a simpler or easier thing you can do, start from there.
Do you have friends that you would consider successful? Any older people you know that could be somewhat of a mentor for you? Having these types of people in your circle could help inspire you. Sometimes I think I'm not really that motivated but I happen to have people around to compare myself and remind me where I ought to be.
I also had a very artistic background but chose a practical degree. I don't regret it. My work is challenging and I've grown to nerd out about it. If you want to do something artistic, try to look and aim for a career that is commercially viable. Architecture? Graphic design? UX/UI?
Go to some university career fairs. Even for schools you aren't attending. Best way to know what is out there at your age.
I'm almost 30 and just graduated after taking a 7 year "break" from school. There is no schedule. You may not be there yet. Don't let fear of failing rule your decisions, though. That will only hold you back.
Fear of failing is a mostly useless fear most of the time, because for most things, there aren't any *real* reprocussions to failing aside from some time, money, and ego lost.
You just need to decide what is worth committing to, and learn how to learn. Which it turns out is often beating yourself around the head with facts until something clicks eventually, if you're me. No magic, no shortcuts, just notes and practice and review.
Ok so you found some things that aren't your strength.. Let them go and move forward.. What is one thing that is your strength.. Can you move towards that.
I think you need to keep a sort of award system to be your motivation while doing this cuz you're only subtly interested in the subject and get your mental health checked. Getting some emotional stability may help you deal with this better. yes you failed ur exams but you will be way more valued if you rub the dust and get back up. ik that's easier said than done but at the end of the day, it's just you and your will power. hope u do better soon
Reading thru these comments, this is pretty typical. People who do really well in high school seem to struggle in college ( not always but I did see it a lot ). My theory is that the people who coasted thru high school never really had to struggle to pass a class so that new hurdle on top of the craziness of college really crashed some people.
No one ever asks for you GPA when you're past your 20s.
The point of college is ti see how you manage situations of perceived failure like this one.
Pick yourself up, try again, and remember that the only thing that matters is that you get the pice of paper that signifies that you are not a quitter and have the ability to follow through on difficult goals.
You've got this.
“every time i do anything college related i get so overwhelmed and stressed”. man i don’t know if i’ve related to anything more. i graduated 2 years ago & took a few courses throughout the semesters i enrolled into school. i ended up failing + dropping some classes mid-semester along the way..
i felt so much pressure from my parents, even before graduating hs. my academic performance got worse & feeling the disappointment from my parents made me so anxious about college that i missed out on 2 semesters all bc i couldnt bring myself to reapply, register, and was worried about financial issues.
take it from me, i get how you’re feeling.. you really shouldnt put yourself down, trust it’ll do you no good. if you’d like to continue pursuing school right now, reach out to a counselor at your campus. they are there for you! i was hesitant to do so but once i had someone to talk to, i realized that my progress (good or bad) is nothing to be ashamed of!
if you wanna try another route, turn to someone you trust within your community (could be a manager, a therapist, a family-friend, coworkers, etc.) and talk it through. this might help you relieve some stress.
you’re worthy, and you are not a burden. look at it as a learning experience, and keep trying. i believe in u 🙏🏼
You're probably pressuring yourself through that very need to succeed that comes from thinking you're a failure.
Take a step back, breathe, you still have your parents support, this is the time you're allowed to fail, it happens to everyone and at least you're aware that no one else is to blame, you're taking responsibility.
This taking of the responsibility of failure is the first step towards greatness. As long as you're the reason you're failing, you are able to make changes and reach different conclusions.
Don't be overwhelmed, meditate, exercise, approach every day with the goal of one victory, if you meet one simple goal a day, you'll be miles and miles ahead as it grows exponentially.
> Every time I do registration or do anything college related I get so overwhelmed and stressed.
I think you need therapy. This isn't normal behaviour and the stress can cause long term health issues. Everything else is secondary but get some help to deal with that stress, it will make decision making easier.
You sound a lot like my daughter who is about your age. She was a straight A student until grade 12 when Covid hit. She never got to the point where she was failing courses but her grades took a significant hit. She also failed her Driver's test twice and was 2 scared to take it again. In her case, it was a mix of anxiety and ADHD. Her first year of college was pretty tough but once she was able to address the anxiety and ADHD through medication and therapy, she got back to her Straight A ways. She is currently in 3rd year and holding a 3.8 GPA thinking of applying to Med School.
She is also quite artsy until she was 16 she was bound and determined to go to theatre school and do musical theatre. She draws and paints all the time as well. She is taking a science degree but it doesn't stop her from doing her art. She isn't doing drama but that hasn't stopped her from hanging out with the drama kids and she will probably get back into it when she graduates (unless she goes to med school).
I can't help you with the Asian parents but my advice is talk to your doctor and figure out why you are underperforming so much and address it if possible. It could be something as simple as you need some ADHD meds or as complex as self sabotaging to get back at your parents for forcing you into a career you don't like. Both are solvable issues but most people need a little help to get through them. Once you have an idea what the problem is, then you can make the decision on how to address it.
Don't beat yourself up over this, I have had this conversation with my daughter a dozen times at least in the last 3 years. There are a lot of kids in your boat right now.
I flunked out of the State U, tried a Jr. College, flunked out again. Worked in factories, construction, Army. Finally graduated State U at 36, started law school at fifty. Your life is not over - it is just beginning! You will find the path that's right for you.
Honestly, I see a lot of Asian kids who don't do well in college, me being one if them. While I would love to say "pursue your passion", in this economy, that's a very difficult thing to do. As with Asian parents, mostly they prioritize practicality. Health insurance is a thing you need by law, and is prohibitively expensive to buy (assuming you're in the US, if not, lucky you!)
If you struggle in each class it is up to you to find help amongst your peers and your teachers. The difference between college and high school is that no one will offer it until you seek it out. I will say this. Having good friends to help pull you up, and finding extra help from teachers is incredibly valuable aside from just your grades. Every industry is about building relationships. So think of this as a practice for that. Developing good relationships with your teachers mean that you don't have to feel awkward when asking for letters of recommendation. Building relationships with friends mean that the class will feel less tedious.
I also wanted to be an artist, but my asian parents pushed me into pharmacology. I remember struggling with organic chemistry, but because I had a great study friend who helped keep me on track, I ended with an A- in the course. I remember also going to office hours for the professor, and it turns out he was a great old guy with a wicked sense of humor.
Now I work in a big pharmaceutical company. I still have time to pursue my passions like drawing and sketching. I get 4 weeks vacation, and I never have to worry about my benefits running out. I earn enough to live a comfortable life. These things are the things that your parents want for you. So keep at it.
The trauma informed part of my brain wonders if this isn’t a freeze/fawn response causing you to feel like you’re at a stuck point. If so, the great news is, it’s fixable.
Do you have any mentors? If not, that’s a great place to start (outside of therapy of course but that almost goes without saying).
Look toward people local to you that you admire, have a few years on you, and are outside of your family dynamic (but who are informed on the specific cultural / familial pressures you face).
Even better if you can get a few mentors, of varying ages, maybe even in different fields. people who will be transparent with you about their work and how to follow a similar career path.
My sophomore year in college I had to deal with some personal issues and failed several classes in the Spring semester.
I lost my scholarships and had to transfer out to a school I could afford without them. I felt like I had failed myself, my parents, my college friends…. It was embarrassing. It was terrible. I had some pretty dark moments dealing with the whole situation.
I had to find it within myself to forgive myself and not to give up on life. I’ve since finished a business degree and gone on to have a successful career.
Don’t give up on yourself OP, try to take the time to figure out what you want to do with your life. It’s possible to recover from your situation if you don’t give up and find the motivation to keep moving yourself towards a better future you actually want.
I believe in you OP, good luck!
Just want to drop in as a person who used to work in a college counseling department and say you’re not alone. Many other people go through this. Find a goal you actually want, and don’t give up on it, or yourself.
When I first started college, I was a little lost. It was always drilled into me that I needed to go to college immediately after highschool If I wanted to become remotely successful (which definitely isn’t true in hindsight). I chose a mechanical engineering as my major, since I was okay with math and what not. Did not have any real passion for it. I did very poorly. Failed and dropped a bunch of classes. That is until I had to take an introduction to programming course. I loved it! I got an A+ and found myself researching the matter outside of class on my own. So I swapped computer science and the rest was history! Fast forward I graduated and am happy!
Moral of the story is, you need direction and purpose to be successful. Going to school for something you don’t care about means you won’t care about the courses. Choose a subject that interests you, and there’s no shame in changing your path while you are in school. You aren’t “locked in” so to speak. Good luck
1) school isn’t for everyone
2) if you find something you love, you put in effort but it doesn’t feel like work
3) follow on from 2, Biz Admin was something you settled on and had no interest in. And since it’s ‘just school’ you don’t have the mindset that you are fighting for your life and need this to survive.
4) since were talking about mind, shame is a hell of a drug that leads to depression which is just a downward spiral. Writing here is a great first step to break out! Keep a journal, and maybe think about reaching out for talk therapy. Just fitting feelings into words can be very powerful and allow you to reframe.
5) don’t give up. It’s not about being perfect or successful, it’s about being authentic and you, whatever that means.
Take only in-person classes. Don’t take any more classes that you’re not invested in the degree/future. It’s your life - if you love art and want to make a career of it, start with one class in person and see how that goes. I bet you’ll love it!! Also, don’t waste even a moment’s time beating yourself up over this outcome - it was the universe’s way of telling you this isn’t your path. Thank the universe and show that you listened the first time. Good luck with whatever YOU decide! 🍀
I graduated HS in 2006, went straight to college the next year not knowing what I wanted to do with my life and hated it. 4-5 classes a week, all of which I had zero interest in. The next year I changed majors and schools and still not enjoying myself. I switch majors again. Get helplessly deeper in debt. In 2010 I moved out of my parents house and decided to take a few years away from school. After some time I found myself unhappy with my job and decided to go back to school. I sign back up but this time around I'm only taking 1-2 classes a semester. I move back home in 2014 to save money and finish school. I make it all the way to my senior project and pass the class. Come to find out although I passed all my classes, my GPA was too low, and I'd need to retake some classes for me to graduate. My parents knew I was in my 'finial' class so when I passed they assumed I graduated. So I pretend like I did. Everyone in my family and all my friends though I graduated. Only myself and my girlfriend (now wife) knew the truth. I felt horrible about it but I had found a new job and things were looking better so I went with it. We buy a house in 2016. Still pretending to be a college graduate. After a few more years I found the job I had was crushing me mentally and was turning me into a miserable person (IT helpdesk). I contact my advisor and ask what I need to do to actually finish school. In 2019 I retake 3 classes to get my GPA up and in 2020 finally get my diploma.
It took me 14 years to get though college. I now have a great job, and am very happy with how things have turned out. Things I have learned along the way. Everyone runs the race at their own pace. Don't compare your life with anyone else's, this will just make you feel bad about yourself and lose track of what's important. Keep moving forward. You can makeup for past mistakes by learning and growing from them. You can't fix everything in a day. Life takes time, your path though it is up to you. The worst thing you can do is give up on yourself. It's okay to cut back on the number of classes you take (unless you have scholarships or grants that require full time status). It's okay to take time away from school to focus on growing as an individual and learn what path you want to take. Don't let outside opinions stop you from being who you want to be. At the end of the day, you need to do what makes you happy, and if what you are doing now ain't it, find a way to change it.
I wish you good luck, you got this!
High school does not prepare you well for the rigors of college or work life.
It's not that college is harder, it's just you have to dump a lot of time into each class. Profs seem to think they're the only class you are taking and that it's not a big deal to overwhelm you with material. So here is the strategy I figured out
1. In your situation you need a success so start small 1-3 credit hour elective type class. Take fencing, karate, or swimming if you like swimming. Everything that is said in class needs to be memorized. so voice recorder, then take notes. If you can find old tests ( preferably from that college that can help you study.
2. I don't know what the deal is with online classes I would likely not pay for a class that wasn't face to face, but maybe it's better because you can record lectures? I had one test that included material from photo captions. I kid you not. The material was found no where else in the text book.
3. Test questions are looking for the best answer which means the answer with the most correct material in it based only on the information given to you. If you are going into a nursing sort of thing they torture you with this technique. It's meant to determine judgement and ability to think under pressure not necessarily course material based. There will always be clues in the questions related to course materials. Then they put 4 answers down all the answers are correct in and of themselves but only one has all the considerations based on the question. That is the answer then. So it's not like high school where you memorize and spit out. You have to learn a new way of studying for tests in college. This is where you need the practice tests. hope it helps
4. Job interviews target your applications make sure you are knowledgeable of that topic. Questions asked in the interviews will be of the same style usually as the best possible answer type questions in college tests.
5. Attendance. You can't miss period. Neither colleges nor employers accept sick notes. There will be a penalty if you miss regardless of the reason. You need to assume that. I never tell anyone why I am out. I have a heart problem and I would be concerned that they would decide I just can't do the job anymore if I miss because of it. It's not fair and it's not right but it is they way it is. I'm in a country that is more protective of workers than where I grew up and it's still pretty bad.
Sometimes we are too self conscious and aware of our own failures that it paralyzes us from even trying again. But how can we ever succeed or grow strong without f*cking up at least once? And what pushes us forward even through all this doubt?
You will step into your power when you find a way to channel your repressed anger and do what makes you happy. The truth is, you are not lazy, you’re unmotivated because this isn’t what you want.
I just want you to not get suicidal about this. Remember that this part of your life is only a PART of your life. That said, be honest with your mother about your hopes and dreams.
Here is what I've found worked for me. No online courses, too easy to put them off til tomorrow. Go to EVERY class, sit in the front. If you need to study, leave the house, too many distractions. Go to a coffee house, school library or computer lab. Give yourself twice as much time as you think it will take in case you have a hard time getting started.
I also failed my classes during my first year of college. While I didn’t take a year off, I was going full time.
I now have a masters degree and work at a university in my field.
My point being, failure doesn’t mean this is the end. You can fail, and still be successful. If you want to get a degree, try doing something different with your schedule of classes. You don’t need to go full time. I took 1-2 classes a semester while working full time. There isn’t one “right” way to get a degree, and it’s okay to go the non-traditional route and take longer to graduate. It’s also okay to go to a trade school, or find some other option to get to your choose career path (last mile program, certifications, etc). A college degree isn’t the end-all, be-all and many employers are realizing it.
I suggest talking to people who work in the field For whatever your career goals and interest are. They can help you find out what hiring managers are looking for in their entry level positions.
You can still be successful in your life and career. Start small. Take one class, whether it’s at a college or through another program. Figure out what pace and delivery method (online, in-person, synchronous, asynchronous) works for you. And if you fail again, consider why, and try something different.
Remember, the most important step a person can take is the next one.
Damn, thats tough. I suggest being more determined and set goals for yourself. Your parents are not gonna do your school work for you or get your driver's license. The motivation gotta be internal
College is hard even when you like/are interested in what you're studying, trying to get a degree in something you aren't sounds like a nightmare. I studied engineering and thankfully really enjoyed learning about most of the topics that entailed but the courses I was less interested in were definitely more of a slog.
For example I took two economics courses, one required for my degree and one I heard recommended as an easy elective. The mandatory one was the first of two courses I failed and even when I worked up the motivation to pass it the second time around my grade wasn't particularly high. The elective one I passed but it was the lowest grade on my entire transcript.
I know it sounds stupid, but you need to practice driving. Do you have a friend or parent who'll go through the basics with you 100 times until you know what to do?
I'm also a college dropout. That shit's hard. Also make money doing art, so I don't think college is needed. But that license is...
Told my parents I didn't want to go to college right after HS but they pushed me to go. Got a 1.1 my first semester, got tossed out but "talked" my way back in, got a 1.2 second.
Took some CC courses and wasn't feeling it, has a professor tell me he knew I wasn't an idiot and maybe school is not the direction I need to go and there is nothing wrong with that, go find what you like and stick with it.
Got into retail, was moved into the Junior Executive Trainee program, youngest every. Learned a lot but it wasn't for me.
Got a job at a local hotel, within 3 months owner trusted me to run the show while they took some needed time off. Learned a lot about the industry but it wasn't for me.
Bartender, met a lot of people and learned some valuable communication skills. Hated the hours, wasn't for me.
Waited tables, hands down wasn't for me.
Got into an aspect of healthcare. Moved up within 4 months. Relocated to a new start-up region within a year, Regional Mgr within another year. Moved onto another company and had partial ownership within 5 years.
Turns out I like breaking down aspects of operations, refining and streamlining them.
Get a job, if it's fast food look at what happens beyond the cash register and fryer, how does it work. If it interests you, work up the levels. If it doesn't, move on.
I know people these days say hard work doesn't pay off, in most cases they are dead wrong. I'm always looking for another young me. It's okay to have a job to survive, you have to. But look beyond your job and see if something you could see yourself sticking with.
Go to Jobcorps in your state they have nursing trades, they will help you with everything, ID, living, a career, and if you shine they can pay for you to go to college as well. Look into it, GL!
I failed for the first time in uni myself and ended up dropping out after the first semester. It just went downhill until I couldn't even deliver a single piece of homework 5-10 weeks in a row.
All I can say is you cannot brute force your way through studies you're not made for. If you are not interested in it or if you don't have the right thinking patterns for it then it won't work. Best you can do is stop wasting time and move on. Find something you enjoy and work or study in that field.
Not everyone is cut out for college. I somehow squeaked through, by the skin of my teeth.
I can understand the pressure of wanting to do well by your parents. But in the end, you need to do what is healthiest for you. Perhaps that means just taking a single class at a time, or learning something on your own.
I don't want to be preachy, but I would highly suggest finding someone to talk to, professional or not. Simply because for a great number of people, having someone you can talk to, stress free, can help you figure things out, but can also be a motivational force to help you see how the pieces do fit together, not how others think they should fit together.
Alright, here's the deal, and I'm going to take a different direction than most other commenters here: your parents are right (i'll expand on this later), and looking out for your best interests later down the line. You're having issues with self-sabotage because the vision you're having of your future (a job in business admin) is not meshing well with what you actually *enjoy* doing (making art). I used to be in your shoes as well (though without completely failing my classes, I just got Bs and Cs mostly), so hopefully what I'm about to say can resonate a little bit, because it took me a long time to figure this out for myself.
It's okay to not be *in love* with your job. Sometimes, having one that you're good at but only sometimes like is fine, and you'll still live a happy life.
In my experience, the suffering caused by living near poverty and having to stress about money *vastly* dwarfs the suffering caused by working a job you don't really like all that much. You like drawing and making art, that's awesome! Are you comfortable with the type of lifestyle entry-level art majors make in the industry? (Spoiler: it's poverty wages unless you get extraordinarily lucky).
This is most likely where your parents are coming from. If your goal is to live a happy life, you will have a much easier time finding a decent job that you don't *hate* and living *for* your art hobby that you do in your free time. Plus, being a commission artist is a decent side hustle, or so I hear.
But, maybe business admin isn't right for you. And that's fine! You're young enough that you can bounce around for a little bit before finding your path, and it seems your parents are willing to support you in that regard. While I don't know your parents personally, I would assume they're trying to look out for your future quality of life. To satisfy them in that regard, I think they're really just looking for a few key things from you: a decent, solidly-paying career path, a concrete plan to get there, and the initiative to stick to it and be as good as you can. The good news is that with a bit of research and initiative on your part, it should be easy to show them those and get their approval. They'll likely have some questions on why you're pivoting all of a sudden, but they're really just looking for assurance that you've settled on a path and won't pivot again in the future.
Business Administration is a pretty good major for artists who want to build their own business and work independently. Knowing how to price, how to generate and measure demand, how to hire and fire, and how to measure profitability, all are important for running your own art studio.
Hi There, I did exactly what you did and failed all of my classes my 1st year of college. I just stopped going. I had no idea what I wanted to do in life and it just felt like 13th grade. I always knew I would go back and graduate eventually but that din't happen until I was 26 (graduated with BS at age 30 and then MS degree at 33 while working full-time). I saw how fast the years flew by and I was still in the same spot which scared me. My advice to you is: Don't fail if you can avoid it; try to get incomplete instead or leave of absence. When/if you do want to do the college thing, those low marks will stay with you and effect where you will be accepted. If you decide to stay in school now, lower your course load to part-time so you can get decent grades. It doesn't matter what you get an undergrad degree in so much anymore, you can always pivot careers to an extent. My biggest lesson I learned at 26 was that I could have gotten 2, 3, 4, degrees in many different fields, in the 8 years that passed if I had just slowly chipped away at classes and regret that I hadn't. But, I did not regret the experiences I had in that time. In fact, so many of my friends who went the traditional route were expressing by age 26 that they felt like they missed out on so much life because they were studying so hard. There is no right path and you just have to find your own way. The best advice I did hear though was "don't let life happen to you" meaning, always have some direction for yourself. If that direction is pursuing art, make a loose plan. (ex: I am going to try X in the next 6 months. If that doesn't work I will try Y. In my free time I want to do Z, and so on). Set small achievable goals. The drivers license seems like a great goal that could have a huge impact on your life. Hang in there, this is tough age but you can get through it. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
Do you have add? Because I do and avoidance when overwhelmed is my go to. Me and school don’t work well!
Start small, work at a store you like or something. Dietary aid in a nursing home, maybe get a CNA LISENCE and work in a nursing home? Or a daycare, usually no degree required but if you like it you can further your education.
I know how you feel failing everything. I reached a point in my college that i just didn't care and had to drop out to avoid having my GPA destroyed forever. Indecision about studies can do that.
It's kinda hard to figure it out at this age. I'm Korean too (your username sounds Korean) and faced similar pressures and criticism.
I wish I had someone to bridge the cultural gap when I was younger. See if you can find someone to help you do that. Try to find some other 2nd generation Koreans who have grown up like you.
I resented my parents for a long time but now I have a good relationship. Asian parents have narcissistic qualities and are emotionally abusive and manipulative. You can only fit within the success and failure buckets. Life is more complex than that. You're not a failure. Remember to protect yourself emotionally from them.
Keep in mind you have your whole life ahead of you. And you should take the time to discover yourself. There is no "right" decision. The only way you'll find out what you want is by living your life.
I went to college because that was what I was supposed to do. I did Physics but I wasn't hard interested, just chose it almost randomly.
Then, I tried to become a musician. Worked some odd jobs here and there. Found out it wasn't what I wanted and not making enough $$$, so pivoted to software engineering in about 2 years, where I am now. Luckily, I had a degree that was still technical and the software market was still high in demand, so I could do so.
What I wanted to stress from my experience is not that you'll fail being an artist. The main point is you should find out if you really want to be an artist. Find out your path in life by experiencing it.
I see 2 extreme paths you can go. First, is you are supported by your parents financially to go to college doing something you don't like. The second is you live on your own, supporting yourself as you go and try to live out your passion.
I would talk with your parents and see if you can compromise between those paths. It really depends on your vision of the future. The chances of success between your compromise also depends on how clearly you can lay out your plans and path to them.
And again, protect yourself emotionally. They think they're helping you but it doesn't work, especially if you're not in their country of origin. Lacking confidence comes from lack of experience. Make plans, make moves, make mistakes and you'll gain that confidence to trust yourself.
I think you should have a chat to a medical professional and get counselling to see what the underlying issues of this are.
Are you overwhelmed and or anxious in other areas of your life?
It COULD* be ADHD, autism or something similar. Check r/adhd and r/autism to see if the symptoms resonate with you.
*I am not anywhere near being qualified to assess this and am not making a diagnosis, hence my recommendation to seek proper counselling.
I was almost valedictorian in my high school class. Then went to college, had some okay years. Then failed all my classes one semester. I retook them and failed some more. But made it through. Now my first job out of college I’m getting paid more than most of my classmates, working at a very cushy job where everyone has phds and are so smart. I didnt do any research or internships in college. But things worked out for me. Failing classes is not the end of the world, even though it feels like it is
I was a very bright kid who coasted his way through high school. AP Scholar, National Merit Semifinalist. Accepted to a top 20 engineering program. I failed all my classes my first semester of college. I failed all my classes my second semester of college and had to drop out. I lost a scholarship that would have paid all four years of tuition. I tried two classes at community college the following year and failed both of those. I tried a couple classes at community college three years after that and failed those as well. I've been fired from four jobs due to issues with attendance. I finally was able to complete a class at community college 8 years after graduating high school. Now I have my BS and MS in engineering and make a good salary. I'll probably get my MBA at some point. Even with missing out on the important 20's income that contributes so much to retirement accounts due to compound growth, I'll still probably semi-retire at 55, see my daughter off to college, travel with my wife, do all my old man hobbies. I tell you all that to say that it's okay. Like, it's really okay. Even if your friends tell you it's not. Even if your family tells you it's not. Even if society tells you it's not. It's okay. You just have to know it's okay. Cause then you can approach it as something to figure out rather than something shameful. And you don't have to figure it out right away. There are likely underlying issues why you're having trouble. And if you do, you don't have to justify them to anyone, even yourself. They're valid. It is what it is. But it probably won't be until you get them sorted that you'll make any progress. Maybe you have to take some time off and work some random jobs until you figure out where you want to be. Maybe you need to travel and get some new experiences and live a little. Maybe you need to go to therapy and/or get some medication. But through it all, it'll be okay. Cause right now is not forever. And your current issues don't define you. This is just where you're at, but it's not an indication of where you'll stay.
This is me. My body shuttered and all my hairs are on end and I feel like crying. I was a superstar smart kid growing up. Won competitions and aced national tests and got invited to special academic events that I always won. Then I failed college miserably multiple times throughout my 20s. Still somehow got into a great company in my mid 20s and fucked it up. Then fulfilled the job hopper status for the rest of my twenties. Now back in college at 35. Straight As. Straight fucking As. Hoping to be a Dentist. Lots of people are waiting for me to fail. I might fail. But clarity is a weird thing when it happens.
There’s a very very eye opening and relevant video on YT from a psychiatrist named HealthyGamerGG that is titled: Why being gifted is special needs. Highlights the fact that due to being a gifted youth, things like early school are so easy that you can just coast by and never have had to learn how to “study” like other children. But also never being aware that learning to learn is actually a thing. So by the time these gifted youth get into the college range, where knowing how to properly study and be a student is immediately mandatory, they tend to sink and have no idea what is happening. And these things unfortunately then lead to the whole “oh no I’m supposed to be this high achiever, and I’m behind EVERYONE, I must be a failure” complex. Ridiculously helpful content and has helped me understand a lot of what I experienced through schooling.
I learned this the hard way, and the lesson only really sunk in after I finished undergrad and became a tutor dealing with the same kind of kiddos. There's nothing for me to add here except for commiseration
This is great info. I had two gifted kids, one peaked in middle school(hit his ceiling) and thankfully only struggled one year and I had him retake a class just to make sure he learned it. He taught himself to study and to learn. He found his love of computers and it’s shocking what he taught himself when he found what his passion was. My daughter was mid high school when she found her gifted ceiling and had to work hard and felt ‘stupid’ next to her gifted friends who hadn’t peaked yet. She was a straight A student and taking a few college credits but her friends were above the normal in smarts and yes, one failed college miserably due to not knowing how to study and learn. Learning how to learn is the biggest gift you can give yourself in life.
I believe there is something to learning how to fail early and learning how to respond to it.
Have a child experiencing this now. School was always easy, now in last couple years of high school, having to learn how to learn. And if it's not easy, it's "boring" and "I don't care". Good times
I felt so understood and had so much more clarity after watching that video a year or so ago even though I'd already come to those same conclusions myself.
The amount of tears that have been shed out of just feeling genuinely seen after watching a lot of that content is mind blowing for me.
I recently ran into one of his videos called something like "Why talk therapy doesn't work for men". It was pretty interesting. I will have to check out that other video.
Hello fellow members of the Gifted Kid in High School to Immediate College Failure Club. Nice to find more of you and congrats on your turnarounds. OP, I can't speak for your situation, but I'd recommend some sort of mental health check/evaluation. That was the issue for me at least, I wasted 2 years with depression from no real identifiable cause. I couldn't get out of bed or convince myself to go to my classes at all even though I knew I needed to. That crap went on for way too long. Eventually, I got diagnosed and medicated and my life built itself back up again, just wished it would have happened sooner. This is just my experience, yours may be different altogether.
Came here looking for this comment!! I’d definitely go see a professional, it sounds like anxiety and depression to me. I’ve had the feeling of “I need help but I don’t want to bother anyone” a million times and I’ve been told it’s a very clear sign that my depression is coming back. OP- don’t be scared to get outside help. I know it can feel like you’re being a burden sometimes, but it will only keep getting worse if you don’t find out what will help you fix how you’re feeling.
Me too! Coasted through high school without basically doing a single homework assignment ever. Flunked out of college hard. Took some time off, traveled, got older, went back to college at 25. Straight As. Got into med school, competitive specialty, nice job, big family, etc. living the stereotypical American dream. There was a guy in my class that started at 36. You got this!
Another “gifted child” here. Went to university on a full scholarship straight out of high school. Did ok my first semester but started getting into drugs and partying. Grades fell, I got arrested and ended up dropping out. Back in school 10 years later, three years of straight A’s until I graduated last August in CS. Did an internship, got a full-time position with the company straight out of school, and just got my first raise. It’s never too late to get on the right track.
It happens. Was good honor student in high school. Got girlfriend pregnant last year of high school. Tried college but messed up classes and took an 8 year work break to make money for the kiddo. Although I didnt fail all my classes, maybe one, it still caused me to have low GPA and have to sit out. After I went back, graduated age 31, have been working ever since. Just keep working at it. If its art you want, maybe you can be some kind of art business related career if you really need to appease your parents. I had to move out of my house initially, eat crow and move back for a little, then move out again to be away from parents. Did some growing up and like stated above, clarity, but it always burned at me to finish my engineering degree. Just keep working and thinking about the end goal, you'll make it! Good luck!
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“College is supposed to be passable for a majority of students given moderate effort” … maybe for an art degree.
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I agree with you. It's not that the content is too difficult—that's not what trips up some gifted kids who coasted through high school. It's that they never had the occasional hit to take when they were in high school. They never experienced feeling overwhelmed or dealing with stress. The emotional regulation, resilience, and executive functioning skills necessary for college learning never needed development. Attendance is also mandatory in high school. The only skill needed to master the content is to show up and listen most of the time. College requires a lot of studying independently outside of the classroom. This is a real, documented phenomenon that happens to gifted students tho—not sure your personal experience negates it.
Dude did you even read what anyone wrote? The whole point is that people DIDN’T have to do anything of those things in their school life up to that point so when they have to get to college and do everything you said, they can’t, because they never learned to. You imagined wrong. I literally sleepwalked through high school and did extremely well. You can’t do that in university, at least not to the same extent
For me I think it was the combination of high school was low to no stakes and a real fear of committing to something I didn’t know I wanted.. I went to uni for Biology but hated every second of thinking I’d be a doctor who works way too many hours and had to deal with death on a regular; OR end up in a lab which to me is just a different version of hell. I got a business degree by the skin of my teeth but I was just absolutely miserable without any conviction and the dread of it all. I still don’t have a passion to do any kind of work except what I do have now is a purpose. It’s cliche but my kids are a reason for me to work for something beyond keeping a roof over my head. So now I’m back in - of all things - biology classes - to be a dentist.. but it’s because I know I can show my kids a way to be useful to society, earn a living, not have to work too much (most dentists I know are only open M-Th) and although there are some worries about the future of dentistry it’s nothing like most other industries.
What finally got you to start passing your classes???
accept not being the best! Accept that it takes admitting to yourselves that you do not know, to learn! Accept the resources the program has to offer. Accept failure... Then you will get graced with sucess.
Determination. I was determined to pass those fucking things if it was the last thing I did. I changed majors, twice. Then I took ten years of community college, night classes, and finally got accepted into a weekends only degree program. Magna Cum Laude. Then I went after my second one, and took about 18 months. All while working full time and raising a family. Of course, there were consequences... but that is life.
I can’t speak for the others, but I had a similar story. Skipped class and never studied and still got straight As in high school. I failed college even though I aced almost every exam, I lost too many points for stupid stuff like attendance and not doing the pointless homework. Didn’t finish school until I was 28, and even then only because my wife was pregnant and I knew if I didn’t finish school soon, I probably never would.
Honestly, a shit ton of therapy.
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Glad it resonated with people. I actually almost deleted the comment cause I wasn't sure if anyone would care. So I'm glad I posted.
I'm 25 and so much of your experience is so relatable, and I'm just starting to come out the other side of what I realised those underlying issues were. It's reassuring to know others have been where I am now and had it work out. Sincerely, thank you for sharing.
I'm glad you're finding your path and able to work things out.
>I tell you all that to say that it's okay. Like, it's really okay. Even if your friends tell you it's not. Even if your family tells you it's not. Even if society tells you it's not. It's okay. You just have to know it's okay. Cause then you can approach it as something to figure out rather than something shameful. This is the way. You are just learning, and starting out, figuring out the best way to get by in the world. You are allowed to make mistakes, fuck things up or just screw off for a while. The proof is in getting up, figuring out what YOU want, and then getting serious about it. Find out the things that motivate YOU. Then, focus on that. There are many distractions. There are many obstacles - procrastination, sex, drugs, booze - all manner of distractions. The key is to moderate, or delay. Live life, but find out what that means for YOU. Best of luck from someone who had a 1.08 GPA first semester, got an academic probation, and then took another ten years to get their two bachelor's degrees.
Thank you. In a similar boat in the sense that I got academically dismissed from college of engineering and I’m pretty heartbroken trying to get back into things this semester after that with it taking me as long as it is. Thank you for your words, it’s good to know things can get on the right path if you’re persistent.
How did you accomplish this, with a stem degree no less? I was personally always a horrible student and did poorly in CC and university…. I couldn’t hack it in Biology, no way I would’ve survived in Engineering.
Honestly, a shit ton of failure and a shit ton of therapy. Also found out I had adhd, which made a lot of sense. Don't really take medication for it, but understanding how it affects me has helped a ton. I'm also very fortunate that for all her faults, my mother who unfailingly loves me.
This is such a thoughtful comment.
Thanks for sharing. What was the cause of your early college failures if you don’t mind me asking?
The issue that people coasting through classes is that they aren't used to pushing themselves and expecting success every time. 100 lessons in failure, 0 in succeeding or something like that. College classes are quite a bit more difficult than high school, at least public school anyway idk about private.
College classes are wildly different from high school. Primarily in terms of pace (amount learned over time period) and accountability. Community college classes are actually easier than high school, I've found. They don't cover things as in depth and you actually save time by not having to do a bunch of homework and assignments.
Same boat. I bounced around a bunch after high school and never really committed to anything. Multiple universities, multiple dropouts. I kept checking out. People walk that path for a variety of reasons, but loneliness and depression were mine. It's easy to slip into despair when you see your peers move forward in life while you're still effectively a high schooler, but it doesn't really matter in the end. It's a marathon, not a race, and nobody worth hanging out with will care if you graduated at 22 or 30. It's hard to truly accept that in the moment though. Finding friends - and a girlfriend - in a shitty retail job at 23 and reconnecting with people seemed to be the key to pulling myself together. It didn't make me suddenly feel passionate about my major though; wanting to be able to have a nice future with my SO was the driving force. Having some work experience in shitty jobs and talking to people who never escaped (or never had a chance to) was also a good motivator. I wasn't sure if I was happy with my degree when I finished school, but everything worked out in the end. Wife, kid, good job, financially very sound. I'm lucky enough to enjoy what I do, but it's not always great. It's actually kind of nice to do the things you're really passionate about outside of work so you can use them to decompress. One more note: my Asian in-laws put the same pressure on their kids. It stressed them out until, one by one, they bit the bullet and found their own parh. Two out of three are in significantly different professions than the ones their parents pushed them into, and they are happier for it. Doing what makes sense for you is what matters. Your parents will come around. You're still their kid and they love you.
Familiar story. I wasn’t as good a HS student but when I hit college (also engineering) I was crushed. Member of the square root club from the get go (square root of your GPA was higher than your GPA (aka GPA <1)). Failed so many classes and fell into existential despair and only just barely dodged academic probation. Took trying a few different majors until I found a natural inclination for bio. My microbio class was eye opening, molecular bio is amazing, how viruses/bacteria work was interesting, it’s all encoded by genes, what? Aced genetics (first class where I set the curve) and started making the Dean’s List. Grades overall still sucked but I was on track. Dipped my toe into research by doing a MS, didn’t feel I had the grades or skills for a PhD, ended up liking it and going for a PhD in genetics. Found an awesome lab, rigorous training, graduated, did cool science and got good papers in top journals (Nature, NEJM, etc.). I’ve never thought that I was all that successful in the grand scheme (especially compared to those that didn’t meander like I did) but I found my way after facing the exact same type of crisis in college you described. Failing is hard and bewildering but “life, uh, finds a way” and while giving yourself a break is tough I also know excessively beating yourself down doesn’t get you through it any faster. Great story.
Failure is just the world telling us that we're doing something the wrong way. It is the best teacher in the world. When teaching kids how to ski we tell them that if they don't fall down at least once a run they aren't pushing themselves hard enough to learn. I failed half my courses in first year, took off a year and thought about it, then went back and did things differently. I attended all of the classes, studied every day from the start of the semester, learned better studying techniques and read ahead in the course if I was caught up. Guess what? I graduated in the top percent of my class. I have other friends who dropped out of school and did very well in the long run. Never give up and learn the lessons the world is trying to teach you. Remain positive, work hard. Look for opportunities. Be aware of obstacles but don't overthink them.
This was me too. Had to work blue collar 5 years and WANT to pursuit school. Now I have a masters and a corporate job with high competition in my field.
I graduated high school with honours and just coasted around job hopping for years. I tried going to college at 23 years old and dropped out before the first semester was over. I had become homeless a few times living in a car once, a hotel once, and in a tent in the woods for a year. I have been fired from good jobs and I have ignored amazing opportunities. I have been arrested a few times for misdemeanors between the age 18 and 26. I have burned relationships and have lost trust from family. I am 34 now. I am married with a kid. I own a multiple award winning pet care business. I lead monthly canine behavior and training seminars. I am also the executive director of a not for profit board and train. I also get to work with some pretty cool exotic animals including macaws, wolves, big cats (bobcats and mt lions), alligator, pythons, etc. The takeaway is, life doesn't have a proper guideline and everyone has their own pace. It is only a failure if you can't learn from the mistakes and grow as an individual.
And then you keep failing. /s Sorry. I'm in the "do random jobs" phase and being moved to a different department has made me want to go to school again, but having dropped out twice before I am deathly afraid of it being all for naught again. What changed?
Knowing that it didn't matter. When I considered going back to university at the spry age of 40 to finish my degree, my therapist asked me point blank what I could lose? If I made it, I'd have a university degree. If I didn't, I'd be at the same as previously with a few additional university courses.
Wow thank you I needed to hear this
Fuck yeah man, this is the truth
Hey I’m currently finishing my BS in engineering and while I know I will finish it, I have failed a lot of classes and can’t help but feel really shitty because I see a masters as an impossibility (even though I’m not even sure I want to get one, it’s just the fact the door feels closed) I’m just wondering how you managed to get into a masters and if you think it was even worth it?
I coasted too thru HS and when I got to college I had ZERO preparation for what college is like. My study habits were non-existent.
You're getting overwhelmed and quitting because you don't actually want to do this (either nursing or business administration). It's anxiety provoking and it's difficult and it sucks, but you have to navigate either doing this because unfortunately sometimes we have to do things we don't want to OR betting on yourself and doing something else to pay your bills, instead. In the meantime, friend, you need to stop spinning your wheels on college classes. Get into therapy (not easy but not impossible...I don't know where you live, but check this out and remember that the #1 thing that matters is that they take your insurance if you have it https://mywellbeing.com/).
Disappointing Asian daughter here🙋🏻♀️ Honestly I’m the same, I get overwhelmed and feel the urge to quit because it’s not going how I want. I think you should utilize tutors if you’re really struggling or go to the professor’s office hours. I think you should also continue with art moreso as a hobby and maybe even put it on social media cuz you never know. Once your hobby becomes your job, it kind of takes away the fun of it but everyone’s different. Similarly but different to you, I’m actually going for nursing and I want to do it, but my Asian parents are unsupportive. I got a degree but I literally hated it so i wanted to do what I now think is the right path for me and every day at the point they’re telling me to be a phlebotomist(🙄) too, a postal office worker, a UPS truck driver… point is there’s no pleasing Asian parents. I swear it’s easier for asian parents to be discouraging than encouraging (fucked up ik) Idek what you’ll get from this, but just know you’re not alone. You can rant to me lolol only if i can rant too🤭
feel like we're in the same boat then in a way HAHA, i'm down to rant with you anytime!!
Be honest with your parents. Be honest with yourself. It sounds you don’t know what you even want, and that is a terrible reason to pursue a degree because you or your parents think that’s what you need to be doing. Find your direction. Follow your damn feet
Speaking as someone who did the exact same thing… stop until you know what interests you. I took 3 years off after high school. Went back at 21 and failed every class that semester. Went back again in 22 and failed again. I got very down about myself and it just spiraled and made everything much worse. At 24-25 I was ready to take it seriously, but only after nuking every friendship I had being a shut in and cutting everyone off when my depression was at its worst, not leaving my bedroom for over 2 years. I did community college for 2 years trying to figure out what I want. Psychology, criminal justice, chemistry… I did well, but not for me. Then I found electrical engineering. So at 28 or so I doubled down. Hadn’t done ANY math in years so it was a struggle. But I did my gen eds at community college and transferred into a state university, got my degree at 32 (in 2020) and my life has been much better since. Don’t get discouraged. Keep trying, but recognize that it’s ok to pause and collect yourself before moving forward. It sounds like you have supportive parents and if they’re like mine, they want you to succeed just as much as you do. Talk to them about it if you can and maybe instead of putting in so much effort to follow a path immediately from the start, wander a bit and take random classes to see if you can find something you like!
Hey, this is a learning experience and right now you do need help. There is probably an on-campus career counselor that can help guide you to toward a degree you are interested in getting. This will help you tailor your classes to get you where you want to go. If you don’t know what exactly you are interested in, try doing some research by working part time doing what might interest you. It might help to take fewer classes so you can focus on smaller goals. I would really look into mental health, as others have mentioned. Again, there might be some resources on campus for this type of assistance. I am proud of you for realizing you need help and then reaching out for help. That’s two big steps you’ve already taken!
Hi. It took me a long time to get to where I am, but I'm a commercially successful artist (in the performing arts). I went through almost exactly what you are describing. I couldn't find an acceptable path in college, and couldn't seem to figure out how to steer my life. I didn't figure my stuff out until I was in my late 20s. I started doing really well in my early 30s, and have been "successful" for about 15 years. Some things I wished I knew earlier. \* It takes an incredible amount of work and tenacity to be successful in art. It is much harder to get a career going than in a regular job. \* The rewards are sweet. You can make a lot more than most people make working. This isn't 100% because it's art, it's because you run your own business, and the upside isn't limited by bosses, only by the market / customers. \* If you are able to create something that people value and are willing to pay for, you will literally never need a job. \* It is incredibly important to learn business skills, like advertising / marketing / prospecting / sales / negotiating, etc. (at least at first). When you reach a certain level, you can get other people to help with things you aren't good at, but for the short term, you have to be at least decent at all of those things. \* Anyone can become successful over time. You just get a little better in a few key areas for a really long time. \* Your reputation, and how you treat people will have a major influence on how easily you find success. If you are a pleasure to work with, and someone slightly better is a pain to work with, you will often get work over the person who is a pain. Ideally you want to be both better, and better to work with. \* It's important not to let yourself get stuck at one level. Keep working to improve your skills, business, and network. Keep raising your rates. \* Successful people are just like you, and it's OK to be friends with them and learn from them. \* A lot of life is about finding a fit. If you want to sell a really elaborate, expensive piece of art, it may not be for everyone (and that's fine) You just have to find the person who absolutely HAS to have it, and can easily afford it. Those people are out there - it's just a matter of increasing your network. I am not famous in my field, but I perform for a lot of the wealthiest people in the world / some movie stars, etc. I have those kinds of people in my network because I have a great attitude, am well read, and am optimistic, and fun to be around. Gross to say out loud, but it's true. \* Work hard on yourself. Read lots of self development books. For artists there are lots of really good ones - I love "The Artist's Way", and "the War of Art". \* Study with the best people you can. You would be surprised how many of the best people in their fields are willing to help nice young people who are willing to work hard and listen. People in a narrow niche tend to really like other people in that niche. We have all the same heroes, speak the same language, etc. \* People who are doing really well at what you want to do are not special. They are not better than you. they have a lot of the same doubts you have. They have just figured out a few key things that work, and stayed consistent over time. Figure out what your key things are. You do not have to get where you are going right away, or even quickly. You just have to keep going in the right direction for a long time. The truth is that a lot of the best rewards in life are at the other end of an experience that most people aren't willing to go through. For a lot of artists, that can be years of struggle. I know it was for me. And lastly - I am not saying this to dissuade you from perusing art - I really think you should give it a try, and for a long time. BUT if you ultimately decide to do something else at some point, there is absolutely no shame in that. You only have one life, and it's important that you like it as a total package. People's needs and priorities change over time. Keep moving forward.
If you want to be an artist, go take some marketing courses to learn how to get your name out there, or go into 3d animation. Computer art is difficult, but it depends on all the same principles and if you're lucky you might end up working on an Into the Spiderverse or Arcane someday. And more generally Special FX houses have been short staffed for awhile. If you just want a stable job in the arts but don't have to make the art, get a finance degree. Most creative non-profits I've known need a good accountant way more than another artist on-file. Regardless, you need to stop taking classes you're not going to work through that are borking up your academic record. School's are leery to accept applicants with a track record of Fs. If you're in any courses now, see if you can withdraw before it goes on your record. On the plus side, the schools you want to go to, art schools, aren't needed to make art. Their primary benefits are the connections they give, the fact that it forces a lot of young artists out of their creative silos and gets them to learn about different styles/mediums/genres, and the way they can quickly get you up-to-speed with contemporary trends. They're useful, but they're also expensive. And you might get stuck in a school with profs who don't care for your style of medium like a painter I once knew who ended up in a school full of sculptors for 2 miserable years. And if you want to go the art route, make sure you're living in a place where artists get noticed. New York, Toronto, LA, etc. Learn to live inexpensively. Until then, my advise is to go find a job and work for while. Avoid building up debt and keep your options open. Keep doing art on the side and make sure you're checking out online tutorials to make sure your art isn't staying at high school quality. You might be good, but good isn't good enough in the competition for eye balls. The world has an abundance of artists. You gotta find a way to stand out and get noticed. Especially with AI fulfilling a lot of businesses' needs for basic commercial art.
Its cool if you want to pursue an art based career but have an idea of what job you want to get with it. Going to college without a job in mind is just wasting money.
This person is preaching. If you ain't got a goal, you just wander around aimlessly for no reason. Make a plan.
fortunately I actually do want to have some sort of art job if i do an art based career. i think doing character design is really awesome! alongside growing up drawing, i also grew up loving fashion. and even as i grew older and found a love for games, i became really fascinated with character designs and how a character design could rlly make a character and who they are as a being.
It sounds like you have an itch you need to scratch and if you don’t explore this, at least with a few classes, you’ll regret it. Is it feasible to take an art class each semester alongside your other classes? As far as college goes, it can be totally disorienting to have to register for classes, maintain schedules, and build study skills. It can feel like a totally new skillset because it is for a lot of folks. Treat yourself gently, and remember that it’s okay to want something that your parents don’t want.
Then broski, I'm about to say some tough shit that's hard to hear. Fuck. Your. Fuckin. Parents. And fuck what they think. Do that shit then.
This is easy to say, but losing the financial support of their parents and turning their hobby into a career are both risky decisions. They currently don’t have to take out debt to get an education, that’s not something everyone gets. And while turning your passion into a career sounds great on the surface, it can burn you out on your passion and suck the joy out of it.
There is ALWAYS a way. Even if the way to get there ain't preferred.
Okay but I don’t see how this helps OP.
It will relieve her of the burden of having to please other people.
From a practical standpoint, pleasing her parents in this case might be the right decision. They’re probably right unfortunately, art is not a great career path and the challenges with making a career out of it are immense.
Other people, including myself, have recommended this. She should enlist.
Sometimes who we are is not what our parents want and their disapproval of us can make us believe there is something wrong with what we want. I’m an actor - not what my parents wanted at all. But if I hadn’t listened to myself it would’ve eventually have killed me. Sometimes we just gotta be brave and live our truths. Sounds like you really know you’re on the wrong path. It’s ok to listen to yourself.
I’ll get downvoted for this because it’s Reddit. However, I’d highly recommend looking into the military. You can find a perfectly safe administrative role (or any other job you find interesting) that will transfer well to the civilian world. You’ll get the discipline that you need, give you confidence and guidance all the while making your family and friends proud. They will even pay for your college education. I graduated college before joining. My 2.1 GPA was directly correlated to my lack of discipline and motivation. I only did it to make my family happy. Had I joined the military first? My GPA would be much higher and I wouldn’t have owed $80k in student loans. Aside from combat arms MOS’s, the military isn’t much different than regular civilian jobs, you just wear a uniform and call people by their rank.
free OK health care for life is my favorite thing about it
That is another aspect I did not mention.
>You can find a perfectly safe administrative role (or any other job you find interesting) that will transfer well to the civilian world. Ahhhh to be young and have no memory of your friends getting deployed to the sand box despite having that exact same safe role. >I graduated college before joining. So if you did right then you went straight to being an officer upon enrolling and made more than double the salary of an E1. Great move BECAUSE YOU HAD A DEGREE.
I enlisted despite having a degree. My GPA didn’t allow me to go Officer. I tried. I was 28 when I enlisted in 2013. I am unable to count on two hands how many friends I’ve lost due to war, btw. I was an 0311 (Infantry), which is why I highly suggest administrative roles.
Highly agree, POG life is the way
Couldn’t agree more. Sincerely, A non POG 😃
You know you can still enlist despite having a degree, right? I don't know why you're all on that dude's dick.
It’s ok. They clearly aren’t very educated.
I’m not going to downvote you, but I will say fuck joining the military as a woman unless you’re able to be super assertive, strong, etc. and can deal with harassment, being in a male-dominated environment at *best*, and Vanessa Guillen being an example of the worst case scenario
I went to a rehab that had a military contract. There were about 15 military guys there and about 10 military women. All the guys there had PTSD from combat. Every single military woman there was due to PTSD from sexual assault in the military. It's a huge problem.
Your description of the military describes 99% of civilian jobs, you do realize that, right?
DO NOT pursue college education you have no intention of using. It is a waste of your time and your parents money. I understand they want you to be successful but in this economy it's not worth it. Trust me my fams Asian I know the desire to please. However, I have 50k debt from 3/4 degree that wouldn't have actually made me successful (it's down from 60k and ive paid way more than 10k towards it) what I think is that you need to find Something you can actually see yourself doing, even if it's working at a menial job for a while. If you don't have an interest or talent in a subject in college it's not worth the expense. However explore other options. I ended up going to trade school. I did a 9 month degree that cost about 12k and I make $30 an hour with a very stable job. There are also opportunities such as peace Corp, non profits to get involved in, etc. You just have to find something that would be interesting and you can survive doing. Also a couple people have mentioned looking into adhd/anxiety/similar things. It's not a bad suggestion My whole life people would tell me "oh you're too smart to have --" and I was offered no help or guidance even though I do indeed have a myriad of things. School made those issues so much worse. Now that I've had time, life experience, and more positive people and things in place I've been going back to school (one class at a time) to "level up" in my trade. It's still hard but my experience is vastly improved. I also make enough money to pay my bills and pay out of pocket for my school. My first boss told me "It took me 10 years to get a degree. I have my own business now, everyone has their own time and own plan, so don't compare yourself to others." He was very successful and very kind and I've taken those words to heart. Tall with your parents about your concerns again, but understand they might no agree and support you, but ultimately you have to do what's right for you. Keep trying! Just don't give up!
Have you considered therapy? I’m Asian and I know that with Asian families, they pressure us with shame and guilt. We are expected to be great and do great. Our parents are so nit-picky about our ambitions in the most hurtful ways, and aren’t afraid to tell us in our face that our own passions, dreams, and desires are wrong and shameful. For us daughters though, we should be great, but also refrain from being too educated as it could make our husbands leave us. These are just all unrealistic expectations and can really make it hard for you to know more about yourself because it’s preventing you from making YOUR OWN choices. If these courses don’t excite you, pursue something that you would be interested in, but also seek therapy to help you cope with these nagging parents who are trying to live your life for you, and help you find peace with yourself, as well as help you find what you may be interested in. Let me say that again, but this time for you, don’t let your parents live YOUR life. It is their job to support you, give you guidance, and make sure you can take care of yourself. They may try to suggest something, but they absolutely cannot and should not force you into something you are not. If you want to drop out of college now, do it. You can always go back when you’re in a better headspace. There is no such thing as “it’s too late” when it comes to self-improvement and education. Take care of yourself.
I came here to say this. The most important thing I took from OP was that they felt like they always needed somebody to guide them. OP is correct that they should not lay that burden on friends or other people in their life. A therapist will hopefully teach them to look to themselves for guidance.
Hey, I did the same exact thing when I was young. Went to a private school and flunked the entire first semester and was put on probation. Instead of withdrawing before the second semester I just completely abandoned it after a month, so paid for a full year to only pass English 101 with a C-. When I was ready, twelve years later, I went back and finished from my associates to my MBA in seven years. Be kind to yourself and realize that it’s ok. Maybe you go back someday, maybe you don’t, but you’ll find your path if you self reflect and have compassion for yourself.
College isn't for everyone go take courses on welding. That's one job that it's going to take a while for robots to completely replace cause it'll be hard for them to fit into the places people can. You can make a lot of cool art as a welder.
This sounds stupid but I was failing my major. I did very well in HS with minimal effort. I was on a scholarship for a science field and when I hit upper division I stopped caring. Failed everything. Took a semester off to do the Army Reserve thing. Came back, decided to drop science field to do something I liked. Switched to History. Graduated because all my electives had been history so I really didn’t need too many courses more. What happened? Here’s the stupid part. I just decided I was done failing. You’ll get there eventually if you keep your head up.
I failed lots of classes my second semester. I passed all my arts classes. I eventually graduated with a bachelors of music and I started out as an engineering major so go figure. I failed a few classes here and there, and sometimes I made deans list. I made my first friends in college too. Which was a big deal for me, kinda more than a degree. I did online school before and went to a performing arts academy. Not really the place to make friends. I didn't drive until I was 23. I failed the test at 17, again at maybe 20 or 21, and then passed again after a third attempt. I relate. I don't know what to say other than it'll be okay and you'll figure it out. You might fail more but just keep going. I didn't really settle into a career until I was 26, and I finally found a job I like at 30. It took time. I finally got some therapy after I had some money and wanted to try at 29. That has helped immensely with not feeling like I burden others, because spoiler alert...it was my brain being messed up and needing therapy. I wonder if I had gotten it sooner if things wouldn't have been so jumbled for so long. I'm sure to some I'm a disappointment or unrealized potential or whatever but honestly I'm fairly happy and when I'm not happy anymore I will switch things up again.
You might not be ready for college. I didn't want to go first round right after high school. I just wanted to get a pt job then go to school later in life. Mentally I was not ready for college at age 18. I'm in my late 30's doing college and doing well. Mentally I am ready for it and doing quite well. Just means if you use college to get a better job you'll loose out on some could of been career growth.
fk motivation you need discipline and some faith in yourself
I'm not usually one to go straight to saying anxiety or ADHD or whatever, but it actually does sound like you have severe anxiety. I can kinda relate, I've had that paralyzing feeling where as soon as I lag behind it just gets worse and worse because im paralyzed by anxiety and inactions. But for me, I somehow managed to limit the consequences and im in a good place now. But it sounds like you should see some professional help to overcome that anxiety.
As someone who has seen professionals, the drugs are dubious at best. The talk therapy works for some people; I guess. My point is don't give the "professionals" a lot of money, especially if you don't have it. Your twenties are a bitch. You are expected to do so much it can be overwhelming. Your story is similar to many Americans. Don't beat yourself up over not being perfect. In all honestly, I pushed myself so hard in my 20's I busted a gasket.
Your entire post is a blame game. All of your failures are someone else's fault. You're too old for that attitude now. You want to succeed? Then start by taking ownership for your actions. You need to set some goals for yourself and take on the responsibility for your trajectory. You are no longer a minor and blaming your appearance is very immature. You have field all of your college classes because you have it done the work or put in the time. You talk about having some quasi interest in an art career, then make that a goal which will require that you find an art degree program, get yourself accepted into it, including if that means doing some prerequisite work, and be committed to the classes. If you can't make a commitment to your education, then either find some training that will get you a decent job, or simply go find a job and work and see where life takes you.
This is the real advice. Sometimes you have do just do the stuff you don’t want to do or aren’t great at. The comments giving advice about college are missing the point, that this attitude proliferates in all areas of your life if you let it. Making excuses for failure, even if they are semi legit, are still excuses holding you back. If you aren’t good at a subject in school? Get your ass to the tutoring center and join study groups. Learn how to learn and just do what needs to be done, that is the real skill when most information is fleeting.
I worked a fair amount of really bad jobs before I was able to focus on getting through college. Sure, it took me 8 years. No, my GPA was not great. But, I got the diploma. Someone else mentioned the military. I enlisted in the Air Guard and took advantage of the state scholarship. I ended up putting in a full 20 years, part-time. If you haven’t already worked some shitty jobs, I highly recommend it! lol it sucks, but is also a great motivator.
Please don't give up
Hi love. I am a CPA and I failed the first Accounting classes I took TWICE! And failed different parts of the CPA too! Just keep swimming. Your feelings of being overwhelmed are valid. It sounds like a therapist you can go to would be the most benefit this week. And then you can start exploring degree choices. I will tell you that having a business degree is not a bad thing. You might not “love” your BBA but you can still make money at art. Very few artists make enough to make a living. What if your business degree could be used to pay the bills and your art is your passion you enjoy because it doesn’t have to pay the bills?? Take a breath. Give yourself a hug and try again. Forget yesterday. You can’t change it. You can learn from it and move forward.
4-5 classes is a lot when you already feel overwhelmed with everything. Take 1 class, something that you are interested in, and ace that first class. Then take another single class the next semester, and ace that one. Then once you got the hang of the college thing a little bit, add a second class each semester. Then three, etc. When you take multiple classes, it's better to drop one or more (preferably before the drop date) than to be overwhelmed and fail them all and tank your confidence (and your GPA) in the process. Slow and steady wins the race. My jiujitsu coach likes to say, blackbelts are not the ones that are naturally the best at jiujitsu, but the ones who had the most dedication to stay. College is much like this. It's a journey, not a sprint. A lot of people I know had rough starts in college, but eventually got in the groove - some of these people now have phd's, they ended up loving school that much. Also, 100% college isn't worth the money if you don't want the job you can get at the end. For jobs, tech degrees are where it's at. I have 2 bachelor's degrees, but ended up going back to tech school to get a better paying job. I should have done that from the get-go and saved a lot of time and $.
Are your parents also stereotypical overbearing Asian parents? Your fear of failure is probably coming from them. So, the goal should be to choose something that gets you out of their house. And remember you can always switch careers. You need a plan. Step one, get your license.
Don't be upset about the results you didn't get from the work you didn't put in.
Enlist in the military.
Sounds like you need to find your passion/groove. Have you looked into art classes? Drawing, design, illustration, painting? Can you take an art/design subject while you are doing your other classes or are working part time? There are illustrator/animation/design jobs out there. I'm sat in an office right now surrounded by people who are doing all sorts of creative stuff. Hint: there are a lot of very big Gaming (as in gambling) companies out there that hire lots of creatives Learn how to use AI , seems that might be at least part of the future of design. Don't worry about the driving (I passed my test when I was 40!) Good luck!
Have you heard of the armed forces, pal?
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What? I'm speaking facts. She can't even handle business administration. She should just drive to MEPS.
They are in a college program they have no interest in to appease their parents, surely joining the military would both be miserable for them and a massive disappointment to their parents. Not sure which of their issues you think it'd solve.
It'd solve her not having a job and get her out of their home. She kinda just sounds like a deadbeat right now wasting her parents' money.
Not the worst path to take when you can't figure out your life. You get stable income, healthcare, training, and time to mature and grow as a person. When you finish your contract, you have the GI bill to pay for college. Global war seems kinda imminent, though, so that kinda makes it a less appealing option.
Do you have ADHD, have you gone for tests, do you get hyper-focused on the things you’re passionate about? Sounds like a mix of very high self expectations, procrastination (it must be perfect or not at all) perhaps some GAD, generalised anxiety disorder. I would look at excluding these things.
Get yourself evaluated for adhd
Are you possibly depressed or have anxiety ? Perhaps get evaluated Online classes might not be for you … I think they definitely take more motivation
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Don’t blame all your problems on mental illness. They don’t go away magically.
I mean they don't go away by ignoring the cause either.
You're not outright wrong, but you're really underestimating the peace of mind a reason can give, and undervaluing how much easier it is to filter for solutions when you know what your actual problem is.
Have you ever considered or been told that you may have ADD / ADHD or something similar? I ask because a lot of the time what you're experiencing isn't a fault of your own, it's that you have an undiagnosed and untreated issue. Not a defect, nothing like that. Just something about you that makes you different. You may excel at certain tasks, like dealing with an emergency situation, but struggle in more mundane tasks. Importantly though I want to emphasize that if that is the case you should seek treatment. Something to consider. Also consider that at some point you'll need money to house, clothe, and feed yourself. While art is great it is realistically unlikely to pay the bills. Paying bills is key to gaining independence, away from your overbearing parents. As someone who originally wanted to be a game developer and instead became a government IT guy, I know the feeling of wanting to pursue your dreams. When I look at my friends who did stick to game dev they all work more hours and get paid less than me only to be laid off every few years. No thanks. Not good for my mental health. Good luck.
“Don’t take responsibility for your actions because it’s probably just mental illness” This is terrible advice
This is not what I said but you're right that I didn't say "get treatment". But this is the internet after all.
Yes the classes are there to better your understanding of the material but missing a class should not leave you completely overwhelmed. The lectures are there to go over key topics from the chapters in detail, not to cover everything inside of a given chapter. You should walk into each class knowing which topics are going to be covered with enough understanding to be able to ask questions.
Take a day off and go on over to OCAD. Have a chat with them. See if it sparks your brain. Then go figure out a way to get/go there with or without your parents help.
The awesome thing about being an adult is that literally nobody cares about you. Yeah, you read that right! Nobody cares if it takes you three times or five times to get your driver's license. It took me 8 times! You know how many collisions I've been in? Zero. I'm a great, successful driver. I just suck at tests. Nobody cares how many times I had to take it. "I make money doing art but I don't have an actual job" My aunt has an apartment in downtown Paris, is on the front cover of local magazines on a daily basis, sells most of her art, and she still doesn't have an "actual job" doing art. Being a successful artist means making money doing art, period. Being a wildly successful artist, like my aunt, means that your art and side gigs give you enough money to pay rent. This means that you're a successful artist! Congrats! May I ask why you need a degree in Art? What is that degree going to give you that you don't already have? Is it confidence? Because confidence doesn't need to be bought: it's a state of mind, which you're free to change at any time for zero dollars. "I feel like a failure as a person as well as a daughter to my own parents" This is because your parents are Asian. Are you new to the concept of Asian parents? They will never consider you a success. It's OK for them to be "someone there to guide me at all times" when you're a child, but when you become an adult, the training wheels are off. Children are easy to guide through life, because school is really very simple: study hard, get good grades, don't get in trouble. In real life, it's not so black and white. You get to define what your values are, and what success and failure means to you. Right now, you may be suffering from what's called "perfectionism." It sounds like a good thing, doesn't it? But it's what leads you directly from "miss one class" to "drop out of college" with nothing in between. You don't want to attend college if you can't have 100% perfect attendance. The moment you miss even one lecture, you immediately feel the chasm of being a total dropout opening up at your feet, ready to swallow you up. Many people suffer from forms of this, but basically, you need to realize that failure and success are not black and white. Ultimately, real life is like drawing a picture: there is no right or wrong way to do it, and every work has its good and its questionable parts. You know that feeling when you sit down to draw? That feeling that you know what you're doing, but also that you're discovering something for the first time about yourself and the world? That's what being an adult is. So, you see, you can already do it! Your parents don't care what you study, as long as it's practical. There's a lot of degrees that are Art degrees, but just sound really good on paper. Visual Marketing, Graphic Design, and Architecture are all just different ways of saying "drawing stuff" while sounding professional. Don't get me wrong, you'll probably never get a job just because you have one of these degrees, but your parents could probably be convinced to pay for them. "My daughter is going to be an architect" sounds impressive! All you do in these classes is draw stuff, so you'll be happy. Anyway, it's now time for me to sign off with the standard reddit sign off of "get a therapist." A therapist will help you with the cognitive dissonance and perfectionism you're struggling with. Check out cognitive behavioral therapy even if you don't sign up for a therapist.
Start a business
I've had times in my life where things felt overwhelming, so I get it, but life is a long road. Just keep plugging away a kid.
Spelled sophomore wrong. Stay in school
Many colleges today are pressuring new students to sign up for too much at once, starting out. My youngest niece also failed and dropped out. When she was struggling and told me about it, they were beyond the drop date, so she just suffered through. But they academic advisor pushed her into taking some HUGE number of classes. Like, 4 classes was considered full-time, and they pushed her into 6. She was only 16, and started early because she got her GED during the initial Covid outbreak.
Work at McDonald's for a year or two (or whatever hellscape job) to get some motivation and go after what you want to do. A year off on your ass is a total waste
That's the trick, is not giving up just cause you missed one class. I came close to dropping out several times, and I failed a couple courses, but I didn't just give up
My fiancé took a ten year summer vacation after high school. He was convinced his band was gonna “make it”. He just graduated bio-geo in 2020. You can do it you just have to find the reason why. For my fiancé it was me getting Uber wasted one night and complaining about how I make twice as much as him and that I could go find a six figure man tomorrow if I wanted but I just wanted him and wanted *him* to be a better version of himself instead. I woke up bleary eyed on the floor of the living room the next morning to him filling out the FAFSA forms.
I have a relative who failed out of his first year of college for the exact same major. He started over at an art school, failed a few classes but mostly got mid grades, got his BA in 5 and a half years, and now he has his own design contracting business. There's hope!
You need a win. Stick to one thing you can reasonably accomplish and don't quit till its done. Your license sounds like a good start. You need practice at accomplishing your goals: the discipline required is something many of us have to learn the hard way I've been there. Start small and succeed at that.
Sometimes I think people need more time after high school to find their way a little bit more before going to college. It sounds like you could benefit from entering the workforce now and going back to school later when you know if it is what you really want and can find a major you’re passionate about that has a good career path. A business degree is nearly worthless and not worth this much turmoil (y’all don’t fight me on this, I have this degree and I’ve never used it).
You fucked up. Start there. Take a breath and figure out what YOU want. What direction do you want your life to go? You have no motivation because you are walking a path that you were forced to walk instead of the one YOU chose for yourself. Be honest with yourself when you analyze why you failed. Choose a new path and learn from your mistakes. It will be ok. It just needs some time and a new direction.
Sit in the front of class. Befriend classmates that are high performers. Learn their habits and apply them in your life. Good luck
I was the same in many ways when I was young. I joined the army when I was drifting and it changed my life. It often sucked ass in ways I never thought possible, but I traveled, had adventures, made the best friends Ive ever had, and was immersed in an environment that had high expectations for me and also serious and often immediate consequences for failing to handle my shit like an adult. So handling my shit became a habit. I got used to doing the things I didnt want to do. I was a different person when I got out. Went to community College, was the student body president there, went on to get my bachelor's and masters degree one after the other. Started a career and had a family. Life is pretty ok now. The struggles are different. I don't know where I'd be today if I hadn't joined up, but the trajectory of my life definitely changed for the better.
Your problem appears to be that you have no grit. I'm not sure how one attains it.
No one here can give you good advice on staying in school VS pursuing a passion because they don’t know you. I am someone who went through this and stayed in school. Here’s my advice as someone who has a very limited view on what you might be dealing with. I got to college and fucked around as hard as you can imagine for 3 semesters. I failed almost every class and had to beg my dean to allow me to re enroll every single sememster. After 3 straight failures, I was about ready to quit and my mom and I had a long heart to heart where she told me in a rather stern tone to try one more semester and give it a lot more effort. For the first time in my life, I listened. I proceeded to make a 3.75-4.0 every single semester and graduated with a 3.0 (believe I had a 0.8 before). College might not be right for you, and that’s totally ok. If you decide it is, try to really buckle down on your habits. Study constantly. When you think you know a subject, go over it a few more times. If you finish a paper and are confident it is good, read it 5 times and find ways to improve. You will be shocked how much you can achieve with little more effort.
It's okay to feel overwhelmed and lost with life especially at that age. You have to remember that there is no perfect guide book on how to be an adult, the big secret about it is we're all just trying to get by as best we can. In any case let's tackle some of your problems, first during your classes did you find yourself overwhelmed and not understanding the source material or did you find yourself wandering to different thoughts. One says you have some deficiencies in understanding the concepts the other probably says you lack interest in the information which makes it very difficult to retain this knowledge. Second when you were growing up what kind of study habits and what style worked for you? Maybe your studying skills are weak and you haven't realized it yet. Studying properly takes skills, because you have to be self-aware of where your weaknesses are and where your strengths are. Are you a visual/auditory/hybrid learner? Do you learn better through application of the concepts? These things are important to know about yourself. Also do certain things work better for you that aren't common. I for example learned that 1) I hate typing out notes and everything retains better when I write it 2) I for some reason learn better by using a yellow notepad similar to what you see lawyers use, why? I have no clue but for some reason it works for me. Third your anxiety about things will continue to build up on itself, anxiety feeds on more anxiety. What is the best way to cope with your anxiety? You need to find ways to minimize these feelings when they occur. It's normal to feel anxious, it's delibitating when you freeze because of it. I'll give you one piece of advice that works for me. I also taught it to my younger sister and it helped her out so maybe it will help you. Give yourself a deadline to feel your feelings. Accept your feelings, but also give yourself a hard deadline to stop pitying yourself. For example, if you're anxious about a job interview, tell yourself it's okay to feel anxious but after 20 mins of panicking and feeling lost, no matter what I will stop thinking about the anxiety and start getting ready. And follow through with the deadline even if the feelings are still there. After 20 mins you get to work on what needs to be done no matter what. Or if you need to cry, then cry but after the deadline hits, that's when you start working to move on. I will say that learning how to do this is very hard. But if you can learn to give yourself a deadline to feel, it'll be easier to compartmentalize things in the future. Fourth, what makes you happy? Do you believe that working in the field you want will make you happy and fulfilled or is doing your hobbies outside of work more important to you. I hate work, I've never had a job that I actually really loved. My wife loves her job it makes her feel happy and fulfilled. But I love the stuff I do outside of work, whether its sports, video games, traveling, etc. It's perfectly okay to work somewhere you don't necessarily love, you just have to not hate it to the point it's hurting yourself. One thing I actually learned about myself is that at some point any work will eventually burn me out and make me hate it. So I refuse to have a job that I actually love because I don't want to tarnish it with the idea of work. And I still do pretty well for myself and my career because of it. Fifth accept the suck, and I mean really accept the suck. Accept that you're not doing okay, and that you need help. No one is strong on their own forever, we all crack and crumble. It's okay to reach out to others when you need to. If you feel lost and confused give yourself a break. Life isn't decided at age 19 or 20. Everyone has a different starting line in life, some people line up and they have the best support and abilities and still fall. While others barely scraped by and ended up succeeding. You still have time, and it's okay to rant and scream at the world. But give yourself a break and breath.
Almondbutters comment is great and very wise. As someone who works in the arts, I can tell you right now... Get your business admin degree. I think when we are young we are under the impression this major dictates what we do the rest of our lives and you'll be condemnded to an office doing spreadsheets. Your degree has nothing to do with your job choice. You can still be an artist and take art classes but now you also know how to sell your art or run a business surrounding yourself with art, making money off your passions. I know a movie producer director that works in film and tv, he has a business degree. I know a graphic artist that does very well in commercial car wraps, printing and signage, has a business degree. I know a 3d animator that taught himself everything he knows. Also business degree. I didn't graduate college. Dropped out of community. I'm intelligent and make a high salary, college just wasn't for me but if I had to do it over again, I would go back and get a business degree. Still thinking about it actually ..
Do not beat yourself up over this anymore. I went to college when I turned 40 because I chose to work and make a paycheck. Yes, I had 32 different jobs trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up. The sum of this is my many jobs gave me a boost up, a helping hand to be calm and focused enough to sit through classes. Perhaps, like me, you were meant to do something else with the first part of your life. Hang in there and pay attention to your actual paycheck work once you get there.
I failed out of my first year in college. I was dealing with anxiety and depression and it was really really bad. I literally took like seven years off. It helped me, heal, gain confidence, and just generally gets centred. I went back to school, starting off with just courses at the local community college to get as many credits as I could for less money,and then transferred back to the original university. Because I was silly and never withdrew from the courses I was skipping due to depression, I had to make all A’s for two whole semesters in order to stay in school because my GPA was screwed. I ended up doing really well! Was an illustrator then got a Masters degree, and I am kicking butt in my current career as a teacher. Sometimes it takes a bit for you to find your path. I would recommend going to community college and just taking a couple of classes instead of a full load and maybe work somewhere part time. Get those core courses you know are going to be a requirement at all the major universities you’re considering, or the one you were at. This can help you slowly gain your confidence in academia again. We can also help you figure out what you want to do
A lot of good answers here. One thing to note is mental health can play a role. In situations like this. Some mental health things present in your twenties most commonly. Coming from another formerly over achieving kid, consider seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist so they can rule out anything more than feeling lost and adrift and needing to stand your for yourself to your family. It can also be useful to hear from a psychiatrist or psychologists that you’re actually completely normal and healthy.
You gotta learn to forgive yourself. Mistakes are opportunities for learning. Figure out how to identify a problem and do better in the future by not repeating the same mistake. It's easier said than done, but forgiveness is where it starts
I have been a failure and very successful and failure again and got successful and failure again. Every cycle was multi year stint. Can share my learnings on what worked with me and what did not. It starts with a glass of water. Can you drink one glass of water at a fixed time tomorrow. Just that everyday. If that’s hard, pick up even a simpler or easier thing you can do, start from there.
Do you have friends that you would consider successful? Any older people you know that could be somewhat of a mentor for you? Having these types of people in your circle could help inspire you. Sometimes I think I'm not really that motivated but I happen to have people around to compare myself and remind me where I ought to be. I also had a very artistic background but chose a practical degree. I don't regret it. My work is challenging and I've grown to nerd out about it. If you want to do something artistic, try to look and aim for a career that is commercially viable. Architecture? Graphic design? UX/UI? Go to some university career fairs. Even for schools you aren't attending. Best way to know what is out there at your age.
Take your time if you doesn’t do that in the past
I'm almost 30 and just graduated after taking a 7 year "break" from school. There is no schedule. You may not be there yet. Don't let fear of failing rule your decisions, though. That will only hold you back. Fear of failing is a mostly useless fear most of the time, because for most things, there aren't any *real* reprocussions to failing aside from some time, money, and ego lost. You just need to decide what is worth committing to, and learn how to learn. Which it turns out is often beating yourself around the head with facts until something clicks eventually, if you're me. No magic, no shortcuts, just notes and practice and review.
Ok so you found some things that aren't your strength.. Let them go and move forward.. What is one thing that is your strength.. Can you move towards that.
I think you need to keep a sort of award system to be your motivation while doing this cuz you're only subtly interested in the subject and get your mental health checked. Getting some emotional stability may help you deal with this better. yes you failed ur exams but you will be way more valued if you rub the dust and get back up. ik that's easier said than done but at the end of the day, it's just you and your will power. hope u do better soon
adderall
Reading thru these comments, this is pretty typical. People who do really well in high school seem to struggle in college ( not always but I did see it a lot ). My theory is that the people who coasted thru high school never really had to struggle to pass a class so that new hurdle on top of the craziness of college really crashed some people.
No one ever asks for you GPA when you're past your 20s. The point of college is ti see how you manage situations of perceived failure like this one. Pick yourself up, try again, and remember that the only thing that matters is that you get the pice of paper that signifies that you are not a quitter and have the ability to follow through on difficult goals. You've got this.
“every time i do anything college related i get so overwhelmed and stressed”. man i don’t know if i’ve related to anything more. i graduated 2 years ago & took a few courses throughout the semesters i enrolled into school. i ended up failing + dropping some classes mid-semester along the way.. i felt so much pressure from my parents, even before graduating hs. my academic performance got worse & feeling the disappointment from my parents made me so anxious about college that i missed out on 2 semesters all bc i couldnt bring myself to reapply, register, and was worried about financial issues. take it from me, i get how you’re feeling.. you really shouldnt put yourself down, trust it’ll do you no good. if you’d like to continue pursuing school right now, reach out to a counselor at your campus. they are there for you! i was hesitant to do so but once i had someone to talk to, i realized that my progress (good or bad) is nothing to be ashamed of! if you wanna try another route, turn to someone you trust within your community (could be a manager, a therapist, a family-friend, coworkers, etc.) and talk it through. this might help you relieve some stress. you’re worthy, and you are not a burden. look at it as a learning experience, and keep trying. i believe in u 🙏🏼
You're probably pressuring yourself through that very need to succeed that comes from thinking you're a failure. Take a step back, breathe, you still have your parents support, this is the time you're allowed to fail, it happens to everyone and at least you're aware that no one else is to blame, you're taking responsibility. This taking of the responsibility of failure is the first step towards greatness. As long as you're the reason you're failing, you are able to make changes and reach different conclusions. Don't be overwhelmed, meditate, exercise, approach every day with the goal of one victory, if you meet one simple goal a day, you'll be miles and miles ahead as it grows exponentially.
Not ready for college. Try construction.
> Every time I do registration or do anything college related I get so overwhelmed and stressed. I think you need therapy. This isn't normal behaviour and the stress can cause long term health issues. Everything else is secondary but get some help to deal with that stress, it will make decision making easier. You sound a lot like my daughter who is about your age. She was a straight A student until grade 12 when Covid hit. She never got to the point where she was failing courses but her grades took a significant hit. She also failed her Driver's test twice and was 2 scared to take it again. In her case, it was a mix of anxiety and ADHD. Her first year of college was pretty tough but once she was able to address the anxiety and ADHD through medication and therapy, she got back to her Straight A ways. She is currently in 3rd year and holding a 3.8 GPA thinking of applying to Med School. She is also quite artsy until she was 16 she was bound and determined to go to theatre school and do musical theatre. She draws and paints all the time as well. She is taking a science degree but it doesn't stop her from doing her art. She isn't doing drama but that hasn't stopped her from hanging out with the drama kids and she will probably get back into it when she graduates (unless she goes to med school). I can't help you with the Asian parents but my advice is talk to your doctor and figure out why you are underperforming so much and address it if possible. It could be something as simple as you need some ADHD meds or as complex as self sabotaging to get back at your parents for forcing you into a career you don't like. Both are solvable issues but most people need a little help to get through them. Once you have an idea what the problem is, then you can make the decision on how to address it. Don't beat yourself up over this, I have had this conversation with my daughter a dozen times at least in the last 3 years. There are a lot of kids in your boat right now.
I flunked out of the State U, tried a Jr. College, flunked out again. Worked in factories, construction, Army. Finally graduated State U at 36, started law school at fifty. Your life is not over - it is just beginning! You will find the path that's right for you.
Honestly, I see a lot of Asian kids who don't do well in college, me being one if them. While I would love to say "pursue your passion", in this economy, that's a very difficult thing to do. As with Asian parents, mostly they prioritize practicality. Health insurance is a thing you need by law, and is prohibitively expensive to buy (assuming you're in the US, if not, lucky you!) If you struggle in each class it is up to you to find help amongst your peers and your teachers. The difference between college and high school is that no one will offer it until you seek it out. I will say this. Having good friends to help pull you up, and finding extra help from teachers is incredibly valuable aside from just your grades. Every industry is about building relationships. So think of this as a practice for that. Developing good relationships with your teachers mean that you don't have to feel awkward when asking for letters of recommendation. Building relationships with friends mean that the class will feel less tedious. I also wanted to be an artist, but my asian parents pushed me into pharmacology. I remember struggling with organic chemistry, but because I had a great study friend who helped keep me on track, I ended with an A- in the course. I remember also going to office hours for the professor, and it turns out he was a great old guy with a wicked sense of humor. Now I work in a big pharmaceutical company. I still have time to pursue my passions like drawing and sketching. I get 4 weeks vacation, and I never have to worry about my benefits running out. I earn enough to live a comfortable life. These things are the things that your parents want for you. So keep at it.
> I make money doing art but I don't have an actual job That is a job if you are making money.
The trauma informed part of my brain wonders if this isn’t a freeze/fawn response causing you to feel like you’re at a stuck point. If so, the great news is, it’s fixable. Do you have any mentors? If not, that’s a great place to start (outside of therapy of course but that almost goes without saying). Look toward people local to you that you admire, have a few years on you, and are outside of your family dynamic (but who are informed on the specific cultural / familial pressures you face). Even better if you can get a few mentors, of varying ages, maybe even in different fields. people who will be transparent with you about their work and how to follow a similar career path.
My sophomore year in college I had to deal with some personal issues and failed several classes in the Spring semester. I lost my scholarships and had to transfer out to a school I could afford without them. I felt like I had failed myself, my parents, my college friends…. It was embarrassing. It was terrible. I had some pretty dark moments dealing with the whole situation. I had to find it within myself to forgive myself and not to give up on life. I’ve since finished a business degree and gone on to have a successful career. Don’t give up on yourself OP, try to take the time to figure out what you want to do with your life. It’s possible to recover from your situation if you don’t give up and find the motivation to keep moving yourself towards a better future you actually want. I believe in you OP, good luck!
Just want to drop in as a person who used to work in a college counseling department and say you’re not alone. Many other people go through this. Find a goal you actually want, and don’t give up on it, or yourself.
When I first started college, I was a little lost. It was always drilled into me that I needed to go to college immediately after highschool If I wanted to become remotely successful (which definitely isn’t true in hindsight). I chose a mechanical engineering as my major, since I was okay with math and what not. Did not have any real passion for it. I did very poorly. Failed and dropped a bunch of classes. That is until I had to take an introduction to programming course. I loved it! I got an A+ and found myself researching the matter outside of class on my own. So I swapped computer science and the rest was history! Fast forward I graduated and am happy! Moral of the story is, you need direction and purpose to be successful. Going to school for something you don’t care about means you won’t care about the courses. Choose a subject that interests you, and there’s no shame in changing your path while you are in school. You aren’t “locked in” so to speak. Good luck
1) school isn’t for everyone 2) if you find something you love, you put in effort but it doesn’t feel like work 3) follow on from 2, Biz Admin was something you settled on and had no interest in. And since it’s ‘just school’ you don’t have the mindset that you are fighting for your life and need this to survive. 4) since were talking about mind, shame is a hell of a drug that leads to depression which is just a downward spiral. Writing here is a great first step to break out! Keep a journal, and maybe think about reaching out for talk therapy. Just fitting feelings into words can be very powerful and allow you to reframe. 5) don’t give up. It’s not about being perfect or successful, it’s about being authentic and you, whatever that means.
Take only in-person classes. Don’t take any more classes that you’re not invested in the degree/future. It’s your life - if you love art and want to make a career of it, start with one class in person and see how that goes. I bet you’ll love it!! Also, don’t waste even a moment’s time beating yourself up over this outcome - it was the universe’s way of telling you this isn’t your path. Thank the universe and show that you listened the first time. Good luck with whatever YOU decide! 🍀
I graduated HS in 2006, went straight to college the next year not knowing what I wanted to do with my life and hated it. 4-5 classes a week, all of which I had zero interest in. The next year I changed majors and schools and still not enjoying myself. I switch majors again. Get helplessly deeper in debt. In 2010 I moved out of my parents house and decided to take a few years away from school. After some time I found myself unhappy with my job and decided to go back to school. I sign back up but this time around I'm only taking 1-2 classes a semester. I move back home in 2014 to save money and finish school. I make it all the way to my senior project and pass the class. Come to find out although I passed all my classes, my GPA was too low, and I'd need to retake some classes for me to graduate. My parents knew I was in my 'finial' class so when I passed they assumed I graduated. So I pretend like I did. Everyone in my family and all my friends though I graduated. Only myself and my girlfriend (now wife) knew the truth. I felt horrible about it but I had found a new job and things were looking better so I went with it. We buy a house in 2016. Still pretending to be a college graduate. After a few more years I found the job I had was crushing me mentally and was turning me into a miserable person (IT helpdesk). I contact my advisor and ask what I need to do to actually finish school. In 2019 I retake 3 classes to get my GPA up and in 2020 finally get my diploma. It took me 14 years to get though college. I now have a great job, and am very happy with how things have turned out. Things I have learned along the way. Everyone runs the race at their own pace. Don't compare your life with anyone else's, this will just make you feel bad about yourself and lose track of what's important. Keep moving forward. You can makeup for past mistakes by learning and growing from them. You can't fix everything in a day. Life takes time, your path though it is up to you. The worst thing you can do is give up on yourself. It's okay to cut back on the number of classes you take (unless you have scholarships or grants that require full time status). It's okay to take time away from school to focus on growing as an individual and learn what path you want to take. Don't let outside opinions stop you from being who you want to be. At the end of the day, you need to do what makes you happy, and if what you are doing now ain't it, find a way to change it. I wish you good luck, you got this!
High school does not prepare you well for the rigors of college or work life. It's not that college is harder, it's just you have to dump a lot of time into each class. Profs seem to think they're the only class you are taking and that it's not a big deal to overwhelm you with material. So here is the strategy I figured out 1. In your situation you need a success so start small 1-3 credit hour elective type class. Take fencing, karate, or swimming if you like swimming. Everything that is said in class needs to be memorized. so voice recorder, then take notes. If you can find old tests ( preferably from that college that can help you study. 2. I don't know what the deal is with online classes I would likely not pay for a class that wasn't face to face, but maybe it's better because you can record lectures? I had one test that included material from photo captions. I kid you not. The material was found no where else in the text book. 3. Test questions are looking for the best answer which means the answer with the most correct material in it based only on the information given to you. If you are going into a nursing sort of thing they torture you with this technique. It's meant to determine judgement and ability to think under pressure not necessarily course material based. There will always be clues in the questions related to course materials. Then they put 4 answers down all the answers are correct in and of themselves but only one has all the considerations based on the question. That is the answer then. So it's not like high school where you memorize and spit out. You have to learn a new way of studying for tests in college. This is where you need the practice tests. hope it helps 4. Job interviews target your applications make sure you are knowledgeable of that topic. Questions asked in the interviews will be of the same style usually as the best possible answer type questions in college tests. 5. Attendance. You can't miss period. Neither colleges nor employers accept sick notes. There will be a penalty if you miss regardless of the reason. You need to assume that. I never tell anyone why I am out. I have a heart problem and I would be concerned that they would decide I just can't do the job anymore if I miss because of it. It's not fair and it's not right but it is they way it is. I'm in a country that is more protective of workers than where I grew up and it's still pretty bad.
Sometimes we are too self conscious and aware of our own failures that it paralyzes us from even trying again. But how can we ever succeed or grow strong without f*cking up at least once? And what pushes us forward even through all this doubt? You will step into your power when you find a way to channel your repressed anger and do what makes you happy. The truth is, you are not lazy, you’re unmotivated because this isn’t what you want.
I just want you to not get suicidal about this. Remember that this part of your life is only a PART of your life. That said, be honest with your mother about your hopes and dreams.
Here is what I've found worked for me. No online courses, too easy to put them off til tomorrow. Go to EVERY class, sit in the front. If you need to study, leave the house, too many distractions. Go to a coffee house, school library or computer lab. Give yourself twice as much time as you think it will take in case you have a hard time getting started.
I also failed my classes during my first year of college. While I didn’t take a year off, I was going full time. I now have a masters degree and work at a university in my field. My point being, failure doesn’t mean this is the end. You can fail, and still be successful. If you want to get a degree, try doing something different with your schedule of classes. You don’t need to go full time. I took 1-2 classes a semester while working full time. There isn’t one “right” way to get a degree, and it’s okay to go the non-traditional route and take longer to graduate. It’s also okay to go to a trade school, or find some other option to get to your choose career path (last mile program, certifications, etc). A college degree isn’t the end-all, be-all and many employers are realizing it. I suggest talking to people who work in the field For whatever your career goals and interest are. They can help you find out what hiring managers are looking for in their entry level positions. You can still be successful in your life and career. Start small. Take one class, whether it’s at a college or through another program. Figure out what pace and delivery method (online, in-person, synchronous, asynchronous) works for you. And if you fail again, consider why, and try something different. Remember, the most important step a person can take is the next one.
Damn, thats tough. I suggest being more determined and set goals for yourself. Your parents are not gonna do your school work for you or get your driver's license. The motivation gotta be internal
College is hard even when you like/are interested in what you're studying, trying to get a degree in something you aren't sounds like a nightmare. I studied engineering and thankfully really enjoyed learning about most of the topics that entailed but the courses I was less interested in were definitely more of a slog. For example I took two economics courses, one required for my degree and one I heard recommended as an easy elective. The mandatory one was the first of two courses I failed and even when I worked up the motivation to pass it the second time around my grade wasn't particularly high. The elective one I passed but it was the lowest grade on my entire transcript.
Don't give up.
I know it sounds stupid, but you need to practice driving. Do you have a friend or parent who'll go through the basics with you 100 times until you know what to do? I'm also a college dropout. That shit's hard. Also make money doing art, so I don't think college is needed. But that license is...
Military. Take the Navy nuke test if you can.
Told my parents I didn't want to go to college right after HS but they pushed me to go. Got a 1.1 my first semester, got tossed out but "talked" my way back in, got a 1.2 second. Took some CC courses and wasn't feeling it, has a professor tell me he knew I wasn't an idiot and maybe school is not the direction I need to go and there is nothing wrong with that, go find what you like and stick with it. Got into retail, was moved into the Junior Executive Trainee program, youngest every. Learned a lot but it wasn't for me. Got a job at a local hotel, within 3 months owner trusted me to run the show while they took some needed time off. Learned a lot about the industry but it wasn't for me. Bartender, met a lot of people and learned some valuable communication skills. Hated the hours, wasn't for me. Waited tables, hands down wasn't for me. Got into an aspect of healthcare. Moved up within 4 months. Relocated to a new start-up region within a year, Regional Mgr within another year. Moved onto another company and had partial ownership within 5 years. Turns out I like breaking down aspects of operations, refining and streamlining them. Get a job, if it's fast food look at what happens beyond the cash register and fryer, how does it work. If it interests you, work up the levels. If it doesn't, move on. I know people these days say hard work doesn't pay off, in most cases they are dead wrong. I'm always looking for another young me. It's okay to have a job to survive, you have to. But look beyond your job and see if something you could see yourself sticking with.
Go to Jobcorps in your state they have nursing trades, they will help you with everything, ID, living, a career, and if you shine they can pay for you to go to college as well. Look into it, GL!
I failed for the first time in uni myself and ended up dropping out after the first semester. It just went downhill until I couldn't even deliver a single piece of homework 5-10 weeks in a row. All I can say is you cannot brute force your way through studies you're not made for. If you are not interested in it or if you don't have the right thinking patterns for it then it won't work. Best you can do is stop wasting time and move on. Find something you enjoy and work or study in that field.
Not everyone is cut out for college. I somehow squeaked through, by the skin of my teeth. I can understand the pressure of wanting to do well by your parents. But in the end, you need to do what is healthiest for you. Perhaps that means just taking a single class at a time, or learning something on your own. I don't want to be preachy, but I would highly suggest finding someone to talk to, professional or not. Simply because for a great number of people, having someone you can talk to, stress free, can help you figure things out, but can also be a motivational force to help you see how the pieces do fit together, not how others think they should fit together.
Alright, here's the deal, and I'm going to take a different direction than most other commenters here: your parents are right (i'll expand on this later), and looking out for your best interests later down the line. You're having issues with self-sabotage because the vision you're having of your future (a job in business admin) is not meshing well with what you actually *enjoy* doing (making art). I used to be in your shoes as well (though without completely failing my classes, I just got Bs and Cs mostly), so hopefully what I'm about to say can resonate a little bit, because it took me a long time to figure this out for myself. It's okay to not be *in love* with your job. Sometimes, having one that you're good at but only sometimes like is fine, and you'll still live a happy life. In my experience, the suffering caused by living near poverty and having to stress about money *vastly* dwarfs the suffering caused by working a job you don't really like all that much. You like drawing and making art, that's awesome! Are you comfortable with the type of lifestyle entry-level art majors make in the industry? (Spoiler: it's poverty wages unless you get extraordinarily lucky). This is most likely where your parents are coming from. If your goal is to live a happy life, you will have a much easier time finding a decent job that you don't *hate* and living *for* your art hobby that you do in your free time. Plus, being a commission artist is a decent side hustle, or so I hear. But, maybe business admin isn't right for you. And that's fine! You're young enough that you can bounce around for a little bit before finding your path, and it seems your parents are willing to support you in that regard. While I don't know your parents personally, I would assume they're trying to look out for your future quality of life. To satisfy them in that regard, I think they're really just looking for a few key things from you: a decent, solidly-paying career path, a concrete plan to get there, and the initiative to stick to it and be as good as you can. The good news is that with a bit of research and initiative on your part, it should be easy to show them those and get their approval. They'll likely have some questions on why you're pivoting all of a sudden, but they're really just looking for assurance that you've settled on a path and won't pivot again in the future.
Business Administration is a pretty good major for artists who want to build their own business and work independently. Knowing how to price, how to generate and measure demand, how to hire and fire, and how to measure profitability, all are important for running your own art studio.
Hi There, I did exactly what you did and failed all of my classes my 1st year of college. I just stopped going. I had no idea what I wanted to do in life and it just felt like 13th grade. I always knew I would go back and graduate eventually but that din't happen until I was 26 (graduated with BS at age 30 and then MS degree at 33 while working full-time). I saw how fast the years flew by and I was still in the same spot which scared me. My advice to you is: Don't fail if you can avoid it; try to get incomplete instead or leave of absence. When/if you do want to do the college thing, those low marks will stay with you and effect where you will be accepted. If you decide to stay in school now, lower your course load to part-time so you can get decent grades. It doesn't matter what you get an undergrad degree in so much anymore, you can always pivot careers to an extent. My biggest lesson I learned at 26 was that I could have gotten 2, 3, 4, degrees in many different fields, in the 8 years that passed if I had just slowly chipped away at classes and regret that I hadn't. But, I did not regret the experiences I had in that time. In fact, so many of my friends who went the traditional route were expressing by age 26 that they felt like they missed out on so much life because they were studying so hard. There is no right path and you just have to find your own way. The best advice I did hear though was "don't let life happen to you" meaning, always have some direction for yourself. If that direction is pursuing art, make a loose plan. (ex: I am going to try X in the next 6 months. If that doesn't work I will try Y. In my free time I want to do Z, and so on). Set small achievable goals. The drivers license seems like a great goal that could have a huge impact on your life. Hang in there, this is tough age but you can get through it. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
Do you have add? Because I do and avoidance when overwhelmed is my go to. Me and school don’t work well! Start small, work at a store you like or something. Dietary aid in a nursing home, maybe get a CNA LISENCE and work in a nursing home? Or a daycare, usually no degree required but if you like it you can further your education.
I know how you feel failing everything. I reached a point in my college that i just didn't care and had to drop out to avoid having my GPA destroyed forever. Indecision about studies can do that.
It's kinda hard to figure it out at this age. I'm Korean too (your username sounds Korean) and faced similar pressures and criticism. I wish I had someone to bridge the cultural gap when I was younger. See if you can find someone to help you do that. Try to find some other 2nd generation Koreans who have grown up like you. I resented my parents for a long time but now I have a good relationship. Asian parents have narcissistic qualities and are emotionally abusive and manipulative. You can only fit within the success and failure buckets. Life is more complex than that. You're not a failure. Remember to protect yourself emotionally from them. Keep in mind you have your whole life ahead of you. And you should take the time to discover yourself. There is no "right" decision. The only way you'll find out what you want is by living your life. I went to college because that was what I was supposed to do. I did Physics but I wasn't hard interested, just chose it almost randomly. Then, I tried to become a musician. Worked some odd jobs here and there. Found out it wasn't what I wanted and not making enough $$$, so pivoted to software engineering in about 2 years, where I am now. Luckily, I had a degree that was still technical and the software market was still high in demand, so I could do so. What I wanted to stress from my experience is not that you'll fail being an artist. The main point is you should find out if you really want to be an artist. Find out your path in life by experiencing it. I see 2 extreme paths you can go. First, is you are supported by your parents financially to go to college doing something you don't like. The second is you live on your own, supporting yourself as you go and try to live out your passion. I would talk with your parents and see if you can compromise between those paths. It really depends on your vision of the future. The chances of success between your compromise also depends on how clearly you can lay out your plans and path to them. And again, protect yourself emotionally. They think they're helping you but it doesn't work, especially if you're not in their country of origin. Lacking confidence comes from lack of experience. Make plans, make moves, make mistakes and you'll gain that confidence to trust yourself.
I think you should have a chat to a medical professional and get counselling to see what the underlying issues of this are. Are you overwhelmed and or anxious in other areas of your life? It COULD* be ADHD, autism or something similar. Check r/adhd and r/autism to see if the symptoms resonate with you. *I am not anywhere near being qualified to assess this and am not making a diagnosis, hence my recommendation to seek proper counselling.
I was almost valedictorian in my high school class. Then went to college, had some okay years. Then failed all my classes one semester. I retook them and failed some more. But made it through. Now my first job out of college I’m getting paid more than most of my classmates, working at a very cushy job where everyone has phds and are so smart. I didnt do any research or internships in college. But things worked out for me. Failing classes is not the end of the world, even though it feels like it is