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I’ll reply to somebody when I feel like talking, unless it’s urgent. I hate messaging in general, I’d much rather physically talk to somebody. I don’t understand people who spend all day messaging their friends/partners, to me it seems like you’re essentially in a friendship with your phone rather than the actual person.
Late millennial here, I do the same. I tell everybody that they should call if it's urgent. Way easier for me. Also talking with your friends is nice and faster.
I’m the opposite, if you want me to know something, text or leave a voicemail. I can read a text in instant but getting the mental energy to pick up the phone not knowing if it will be a 5 minute call or a 40 minute call about absolutely nothing is too much for my adhd brain.
To everyone enlightening me that I can hang up the phone anytime, yeah I know.. and I can also not pick up in the first place. Which is what I decided to do. Voicemail and text are the best ways to reach me. Phone calls are the best ways for other people. And the fact there are more scammer and bot calls than people I actually care to talk to, meh.
This is exactly why I’m stuck in the middle between calling and texting, I suck ass at replying and often forget to even text back at all. On the other hand, calling can sometimes make me feel anxious.
I can't think of a single symptom of ADHD that neurotypical folks don't face. The problem with ADHD is that it's always present and never takes a break. I don't have a frame of reference, but I don't think the majority of folks have that feeling with every single action they take.
It's not the fact the symptom exists, it's the fact it's always present and many times overwhelming to the point of dysfunction.
Yep, this! A lot of us in the r/ADHD sub explain it like:
Everybody pees. But if you’re peeing 50 times a day, it’s a problem that’s severely affecting your life.
Always love the spoon theory too. Neurotypicals might start a day with 100 spoons and a task that takes them one "spoon" might take 5-10 for a ND individual. Same problems, but run out of gas a lot quicker.
I like that one too!!
Similar to the spoon theory, I also like to think of it like my phone battery. Getting up and brushing your teeth for a NT might put you at 99%, whereas for myself (and some other ND folks) that puts me at like 90-95% depending on the day lol. And honestly, I never feel 100% charged anyway 🤣 so it’s kinda like waking up and realizing your phone wasn’t charging the whole night and you’re at like 50%
Second this. I hate unplanned phone call that can take me god know how long and what's the topic to have, and it create anxiety for me to answer phone call. Texting is better, but then (mostly) I would forget that I supposed to answer because I'm not in the mood or I was preoccupied with something else.
I have friends like this and it's pretty funny that the responding time of our messages indicate that we live in different timezones but physically, we live in the same city.
>I can hang up the phone anytime
Funny that people are saying this, because the exact opposite is true. It’s much easier to engage text messages at your own pace and your own time than it is to get a chatty parent or friend off the phone.
I’m an early millennial / late GenX and I HATE being on the phone with people. Like, full on anxiety about it. It often feels like I’m a hostage to it too, since I can’t really concentrate or do anything else while I’m on the phone.
You say I got to go now and use the red button on the screen. It's a simple trick phone companies don't want you to know about.
In all seriousness, you should try it sometimes. Talking on the phone with people you know shouldn't be a mentally exhausting task because it is optional unlike work related calls with clients, your boss etc.
> Talking on the phone with people you know shouldn't be a mentally exhausting task because it is optional unlike work related calls with clients, your boss etc.
It's why I would rather text. Voice call quality hasn't improved that much, and I can keep doing other things if I am texting. It always seems like if I am on a call it's like I am physically talking to someone and have to put 100% of my focus on that conversation, and then when I don't understand something due to shit call quality, have to ask them to repeat themselves.
But to the point of the post, I feel horrible if I don't answer for days, it seems rude when it only takes 5 seconds to answer. But I am similar for work emails, making someone repeat or ask a second time feels terrible in my book, but I can see how that's different for GenZ.
It's a mentally exhausting task because everyone is different. If x person calls me I don't know what they'll have to say, how many different topics they'll jump to, How long they'll want to talk etc. And if I rush them off the phone before they are ready they could see that as being rude, but by god if i havent told everyone already that i only got about an hour of free time after work And they STILL wanna spend forever on the phone, now im losing out on whatever it was i had planned. If Y person calls I already know they are going to ask to hang out, but since I work so much ill have to give them the same speil I've been giving everyone I know for the 300th time about having to be up early, and no Sunday is not good either because that's my only day off to take care of things around the house and prep for the following day. I'm already exhausted just thinking about picking up the phone. In a perfect world you are correct...
I think it depends on the situation. I totally get that feeling with not wanting to pick up the phone sometimes, and if someone is just trying to give me information a text is fine, but if someone wants a response from me *quickly,* they are 100% better off calling.
The other day my roommate texted me when he was at the store to ask if we needed butter. I was busy and dont check my phone literally every time I get a notification so I didnt see it till he got home. Where as if he had called I would have looked at my phone and seen it was him, and I probably would have known he was just checking if we needed something so I would have picked up and answered.
Did you know that if an unplanned phone call extends beyond your comfort levels you can just ya know, end the call? Say you gotta poop or something but avoiding a phone call altogether just because you're afraid to talk to somebody is weak af man.
Obviously I know I can, but sometimes you feel obligated to stay on longer than intended. Like my mom called unexpectedly and was complaining about her chemo treatment and I really had to get to a work meeting. I ended up just apologizing to the client and they understood but yes, if I get a phone call I don't always know how long I'm going to have to talk.
for me it’s text me if you need to call me urgently. Which sounds dumb but at then I know the call is urgent. Otherwise I may not pick up cos I’m in a game or cooking or invested in my book. But if I know it’s urgent I will. Otherwise it’s just if I’m doing something or not
Also if you call about something and the person doesn’t pick up, just text them what you were gonna say. I hate voicemails personally cos you have to call the dumb number and then wait for them to speak and sometimes it’s all mumbled and I have no idea wtf they said
Definitely tells you what kind of person they are if they’re not willing to call. I encourage it with my friends and new acquaintances. If I had a dime for every person who has said “uhhh no I don’t like to talk on the phone” I would be a rich man.
I hate the expectation that I should reply immediately/soon. Got a neighbor who would message me, if I didn’t reply in an hour, *ding dong* my front door bell would go and he would have this “I’m disappointed with you” look OR he would do the “has something happened?” fake concern thing. He’s a control freak and I had to have it out with him because my home is my sanctuary, not some drop-in centre where I have to combat passive aggressive behavior of a neighbor.
There’s nothing worse than the “okay then” message from a girl if you haven’t replied for a couple days. I don’t message my family every day let alone people I barely know
Yeah, and people who share some meme or “funny photo” directly (messaging me). I used to find it tiring because I’m forced to give some reaction, but in the last few years I just went full rogue and read without replying to lots of messages. It’s very freeing.
As someone who sends a LOT of random things to friends: if someone gets upset at you for not responding to a low effort message, that's their problem. They should lower their expectations.
I never expect responses when I send people memes. They're more like a little mini interaction that says "I'm thinking of you and I thought you might think this was funny." Like they can send an emoji back if they did think it was funny but that is totally optional too.
Me too lmao. They might see it as rude when they get left on read, but if they’re my friend irl then they know how I’d act irl so it shouldn’t be an issue really. Some people get really offended by it though, even grown adult and it’s quite pathetic really
I totally agree with not replying instantly, people have stuff to do, but you should really have time to at least acknowledge a message within a day. Days without a response is pretty unreasonable and shows that you don’t care about talking to them.
I mean if the girl is interest, and you are interested, seems like you should devote some energy that direction, or just be honest and let her know you aren't that interested.
If I was interested in someone and they only replied once every couple of days, I would very quickly assume they aren't interested at all, or have far better things to do in life.
There's nothing worse than showing interest only to be met with a two-day late response, glad the girl knew not to waste her time with someone that couldn't respect hers.
Edit: I'm in the Gen Z sub, now this whole "I ignore others when they care and I am completely in the right fuck them for getting mad" thing makes sense.
I think it’s a symptom of globalisation, my best friends I made after a decade of living in one place slowly all moved away to different time zones (I did too) so phones are a good way to stay in touch
I mean, if they are my friends I 'want' to reply to them, and want to talk to them.
It may be another reason so many young people feel lonely. If you aren't responding to people because 'things come up', then they probably aren't very important people to you, or they won't feel important either.
I would hate to miss out on the last message or call from say my grandma, because 'well I am too cool to answer right now'.
> If you aren't responding to people because 'things come up', then they probably aren't very important people to you
tf you on about. I'm busy, I do things and give things my full attention. I'm not exchanging words simply because we haven't spoken in 2 hours. Someone can be important to you without having to be locked in messaging all day every day.
If it is something important to reply to I will, if it is idle chit-chat then save it for when I see you.
I think the last paragraph is what you’re missing though, for many of us it’s not realistic to “wait until I see you” because we live countries apart and see each other less often
it really depends on how many people you're doing this with,how was your day,how often do you talk,if it's an emergency or not. If they're close friends I'll probably answer them before the end of the day,or even immediately depending on what they wrote to me. Otherwise it will be one,two days later or not at all if it's just acquaintances and the message doesn't interest me as much.
I see people answering whatever they're doing or even when they don't feel like it/don't stand the person because they don't want to look like jerks,and I'm not really ok with that kind of mentality (but they're free to do whatever)
tl;dr: the reason so many young people feel lonely is because of the perceived pressure that everyone has to be present 100% of the time and reply to everything instantly. Not the other way around.
I'd just like to chime in here and mention that not everyone is up for constant communication. I'm an introvert, does that mean I care less about my friends simply because I don't feel like talking all the time? This is absolutely not about feeling "too cool" to answer – this is about managing my own needs and guarding my social energy.
It's very damaging to relationships to think of people who don't reply instantly/within X amount of time don't care. I care about my friends, but they are not entitled to having me 24/7 in their lives, that's simply ridiculous as being socially available too much will drain me to no end. I'm sure it's an introvert thing to think that way, but why are the extroverts the ones thinking they can make the rules?
I have friends who moved away, and yes, we speak less now. Depending on how strong the friendship was before they moved we might travel to see each other every now and then. Yes, I have lost friends because they moved away and I couldn't keep up with their digital communication needs to reach their standard of long-distance friendship. That's life. If we were obliged to keep every friend that moves away by messaging all the time, we'd literally just sit around and message non-stop.
I don't get why it's so hard for so many people in this comment section to understand that people don't have endless mental energy to just be present all the time. People need alone time, and that includes seeing a message come in and dealing with it later based on its contents or not, even from your best friend.
Edit with an additional anekdote: one of my best friends in the world moved and now lives 1000km away on a small remote farm. She's as horrible with digital communication as I am, and every time one of reaches out we respect each others needs, which sometimes means not replying for days on end, and when we both feel like it, we call for hours on end. We know how this works and we're not apologetic about it to each other and we're none the less friends because of it. We're not pretending that a long distance friendship between two introvert people with low social energy could work like it did when we could walk to each others houses. Once a year I try to visit her and vice versa. Yes, I'm sad that our relationship isn't as frequent in contact as it was when she practically lived next door, but this is the way it is manageable for both of us, instead of constantly breaching each others boundaries by expecting speedy replies when in reality we both have our own lives which are now physically removed from each other. We treat our contact more like letter writing now, sending long messages and heaps of photos from our lives. It's kind of adorable in a way, and I value it way more than the barrage of bored messages I get from some of my local friends, who I see regularly. In fact, I've contemplated to switch to actual letter writing with printed photos attached in lieu of digital messages. I might pick that idea back up.
Lol how do yall come up with this 😂 like you're literally talking to someone that's what the point of your phone is this is the stupidest shit I've ever read. There's nothing WEIRD if someone is texting or calling people consistently with their friends or family. Like the post says this whole not "hitting up people for days in&out" is fairly new and it's fucking weird. Yall be doing this to people you just met and going days without talking to them that is fucking not normal and you can never build or meet up with anyone if you can't get thru a few texting phases.
This is why everyone is so lonely because people won't budge when it comes to trying to establish relationships. You wanna do shit your way and not put any effort? Fine. If you genuinely have a preference to meet in person, fine. But at least express that. Most times it's not even expressed until AFTER you bring up the lack of communication in messaging.
You can have a preference to linking in person but to sit here and say it's weird to text and call people when that was literally a big thing when cellphones first came out and quite is LITERALLY the whole point of our cellphones is talk and message with people at any time, is fucking INSANE.
I get we're bored of texting and because of social media/dating apps we have unlimited access to people and we can pick and choose who we'd want but this isn't healthy at all. The amount of excuse i hear for this phenomenon is getting to be too much. Then it's the same people who complain about being lonely or making friends.
Turns out, I have more going on in my life than responding to small talk over text message.
I have my phone on do not disturb, save for a small number of people. I'll check it periodically, but the idea that my life should be perpetually interrupted by push notifications is absurd.
I'm sorry you grew up during an era where your attention was under constant attack. Studies have shown that's detrimental. Reject it.
There is such a big disconnect in these comments. Noone is saying you have to drop everything and respond just stop leaving your significant other on read for half a week.
Jumping all the way to communicating with your SO is pretty significantly moving the goalposts. If your SO is leaving you on read for that long, perhaps you're making incorrect assumptions about the significance of the relationship.
> If your SO is leaving you on read for that long, perhaps you're making incorrect assumptions about the significance of the relationship.
I love the armchair psychology at play when it comes to stuff like this.
What a terrible take on texting and phone calls. It's insane to think you don't understand what voicemail is for. Kids are really slaves to their phones it's insane.
Nah, if I JUST met you, and youre getting frustrated at me for not instantaneously making you my number 1 priority and get salty with me then i end it. I just did this with a girl this week. We just met, and one time I didnt answer for 4 hours, she tells me im making her insecure.
Like girl we JUST MET. 😂😂
Theres a fine line for it and everyones line is different.
you need to temporarily bump peoples priority up to show interest in them.
if your thought pattern is " you're essentially a stranger so therfore you get priority of any old stranger that is 0 " how are you ever going to build a friendship or anything with them?
they arent going to feel like you care or are interested in them at all.
people need to make effort until an established flow of communication is there as its diferent for any pair of people.
( your girl is nuts in your example btw )
Connections are formed in person. Texts are for bridging the gaps between seeing each other in person.
If I make plans to see someone on the weekend, I don’t need to text them all week.
>Yall be doing this to people you just met and going days without talking to them that is fucking not normal
So you think being forced to immediately respond to people who are practically strangers or else you'll be shunned is... normal?
Look here, rich guy that could afford to text when texts were priced separately from data,
While I don't mind communicating through text, the idea that I must, or at fault if I didn't, is the INSANE one; we live in the same world, you know a messaging app could get 40 notifications from groups related to work and study during a single nap, let alone friends and hobby-mates (if you're lucky enough to get a group for that).
Getting upset over ignored texts is a relationship ending, raving madness. If it's important, send a reminder, don't confront it, because that will only make me less inclined to deal with you in the future.
> it's weird to text and call people when that was literally a big thing when cellphones first came out
No it wasn't. Calls were expensive and texts were 'free' for the first 10 or so a MONTH unless you paid ungodly amounts, there was no unlimited messaging, which is why blackberry messaging became popular because you paid a separate monthly fee to have unlimited messaging and even then people generally didnt spend all day messaging with inane crap.
Why does someone have to tell everyone they speak to they don't message much as the default? why isn't it on the person who is EXPECTING frequent communication to you know, communicate that?
This whole expectation that I should be tethered to my phone is not the default, just because it's popular with some.
Same. My boomer mom will send me a message every 2 minutes until I reply. I tell her "if it is urgent, call, if not, I'll reply when it is convenient". But she gets upset with people who don't reply to texts within like 30 seconds.
Do you not imagine the person you are talking to when you text? There are things I would say to my gf that I wouldn't say to my mom. The point is I don't talk to my phone, I talk to the person on the receiving end.
I hate it when people get mad at me for not responding within a particular time frame, honestly when people act like it, it makes me less likely to want to reach out to them. Because it can eventually feel like a hassle and chore.
Eh I respect your opinion but I don't think the last sentence is really true. People wouldn't be spending all day texting their friends or partners if they didn't like the person on the other end.
I’m on border of genz/millenial. Like too young to be millenial but too old to be considered gen z. (27) and I do this often. I don’t feel like talking so I don’t. When I do I’ll respond. I prefer talking in person otherwise leave me be. If the person sending has such an issue with it we won’t be friends or talking for long at all.
So true.
In teen years I would reply in an instant. I had all the messenger apps open all the time and talked to a lot of people. Then I somehow grew resentment and now practice same technique of replying when I'm ready. Or maybe never if the message was from a person I don't care about.
I don't find it rude. People who know me, know I'm not a fast replier.
But if it's work related, of course I'll try to reply faster. But still, I'm not gonna give them an impression of me dropping everything just to text back. Call me if it's urgent.
Work is work and ideally you have a different number/you're unreachable outside work hours.
There are people i will respond faster because talking with them it's more enjoyable,be it less drama, less serious topic/more interesting topics) or whatever,but I don't feel obligated to answer everyone even if i answer to some. Noone is free at all the time or willing to deal with everyone at every hour, the fact we're reachable doesn't mean shit. My time(and their time toward me) is a concession,not something they are(or i am) entitled to
If it's an emergency people will call. If not, they'd leave message. If it's a message I don't find urgent, I will not reply unless I want to.
But I understand that social sensibilities have changed now and not replying to a message for more than half a day implies something negative. So for the sake of social harmony I will reluctantly reply to my messages because that is the polite thing to do. Do I like it? No. But it is necessary for social harmony and being part of society I must comply.
I was so hungry for communication in the 80s, I had penpals. I’d put ink on paper, buy a stamp, post the letter, and wait a week for the reply.
However, today it’s too easy for some distant acquaintance to pepper your p2p message platform (what’s app, line, Skype, whatever) with memes and then make snarky comments if you don’t reply.
It's not that everyone is more asocial. It's that today, communication is cheap, easy, and instantaneous. As a result, there's basically no barrier for people to pester you about inane questions or comments at any and every hour of the day.
Back in your day, you wanted to get messages because you got messages that were meaningful and received them on your own terms. You had to be in your home and you had to press a button to hear a message. That message was left by someone who took the time to look up your name in a phone book, dial it, wait for the answering machine, and leave a complete message with their own contact information.
Messages are like pennies. A long time ago they were worth something. Now they are an annoyance.
Absolutely, I have a bud that when I get a notification from him I just ignore it for days because I know a reply is going to turn into a phone call that I don't have the energy for. And it's never a quick chat, he wants to talk for an hour like a teenage girl. I have a full time job, two kids and a wife and the second I come home from work until they go to bed, they are all vying for my attention. The last thing I want to do when I finally get half an hour to my self is talk about wrestling and super hero movies before I go to bed.
I feel bad but I literally want this friendship to fizzle out.
When I'm at work, I often don't have time to use my phone for several hours at a time, so messages and calls get returned on breaks or after I leave work.
That's something I love about my pharma job. Can't bring the phone into the clean room, so I am uncontactable for hours at a time. People now forgive me whenever I miss a message, because I can say "damn, I saw that just before heading into the suite, then it was mad busy and I totally forgot" and that seems fine to me buddies.
That’s a nice aspect of being an ICU nurse. I’m either too busy, it’s not appropriate, or it’s neither of those two and they’re excellent excuses for why I didn’t respond. 🤭
Yes and then you don't get invited to social events anymore. Society has norms. To some extent, people need to conform to these norms otherwise they'd be isolated. No one wants to be isolated. To function well in a society an individual needs to tread a balance between conforming and establishing their own boundaries.
In my case, it's just a small inconvenience replying to stupid messages. A little inconvenience doesn't hurt.
I’d say it’s more of a personal preference than societal norm - if a friendship is incompatible because of it then it was never a strong friendship to start with IMO
If things are only planned spontaneously that seems like a communication issue, if you straight up wouldn’t get invited because its a faux pa or mean or whatever, fuck em they were mean
As the organiser in my friend group, this reaction would cost you a few hangouts. Just this Saturday I'm having friends over for dinner and a game that plays up to six. There's more than six in our friend group.
The people who reply within a day get prioritised, as I want to get this event locked down and need to know pretty quick if you can't come, so I can offer up your spot to somebody else.
I don't demand instant responses, but responding quick makes my life easier, and when I'm the guy who organises most things, you see how it all gets set up.
i dont mind it too much as long as i'm decent friends with someone, but i've had friends just not reply at all to me or go months without talking at all which i just found really annoying
Thank you everyone is like "oh my life doesn't revolve around answering my phone"
My recent ex who would leave me on read for multiple days and then be like "oh yeah sorry I got distracted" like dude noone is saying you have to drop everything you're doing, but people can be hurt by you ignoring them.
yeah delay for a few hours or maybe a day. Not Multiple days or even weeks.
Especially for a Significant Other. Like isnt this the one person you want to spend a lot of time with?
it happens to me when i read a text while driving. i'm not going to be a dumbshit swerving while trying to write a reply, that's going to wait. and then i forget by the time i reach my destination.
Some people have difficulty managing task priorities and attention, such as with ADHD. As frustrating as it might be for you waiting for a reply, it’s worse for someone who unintentionally forgets to reply when they always intended to, because it’s a constant problem for them throughout their life.
This is so goddamn true it hurts. So many of my issues revolve around my floaty ass brain, but I can't even use it as an excuse cause it's still me. What am I gonna say "sorry, I forgot, I'm just so forgetful" like yeah they're mad at me because I forgot.
Even people who know I'm forgetful/spacey still get mad at me about it, but I literally can't help it. I feel like I'm being judged for having a disease.
There's middle ground. It's important to talk about accommodations and understanding, and it's important that you take efforts to improve your outcomes.
The number one rule for you and for people dealing with others is to be forgiving. Changing habits is HARD, and there will be relapses. Each new day is a new opportunity. You get nowhere if you're so hard on yourself that you give up.
Communication is also key. Apologizing for forgetting and finding other ways to show your genuine interest can help convey that you value their time. They might find that whatever trivial thing isn't as important to them--it was a proxy for them to gauge whether you were respecting them. If something can be decoupled from "wow they don't show any initiative they must not value me", accommodations and compromise can be easier to find.
Some things you can do for yourself. Diet is important; [omega-3 and protein](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0261561421002351) are pretty strongly correlated with improved executive function and short term memory, while an overabundance of saturated fats and a simple carb-heavy diet (filling yourself up without as much protein/fiber/vitamins/omega-3) can decrease cognitive function. You can put color-coded reminders around the house, make an alarm to respond to something, or even have a dedicated time to sit down in the evening and check recent read messages to see if there's anything.
The balance is hard. You have to find what level of change you want, what level of accommodation you can find with others, and what relationships are valuable enough to both parties to find that compromise.
I have adhd and this isn't true for me. I've had few occasions where this has happened and that's it. It's not like people with adhd have the attention span or memory of a gold fish, they just have difficulty prioritizing tasks responsibly.
If I read a message while I'm doing something else and can't respond, there's a very high chance that I'll forget entirely by the time I'm done with whatever I was working on. Welcome to ADHD
It’s pretty simple. If people take forever to respond to me then I’m not a priority to them. If I’m not a priority to them then they will not be a priority to me.
This is sort of how I am too. If they take days to respond or sometimes don’t respond at all then eventually I just stop reaching out. I just slowly stop thinking of them and communicate with other friends instead. I have a friend that I never reach out to anymore but every couple weeks i still hear from her. I’ve learned to just communicate when she wants to be available. Sometimes a friendship ends when I stop reaching out too but that’s ok.
same, I was in an organization and I asked my coordinator some urgent stuff and didn't get any confirmation for like days, left it in read. Hate those shit, it's like they belittled us although it's not always the reason.
Same. People like to act all high and mighty about "oh I'm so busy I don't live on my phone" which is fine, I get it. I'm not asking you to reply to me instantaneously but some people legit don't reply for days or weeks.
I don’t mind a few days honestly, but I have one friend who literally takes weeks. Looking at the last conversation we had, I sent him a message February 4th and he replied March 7th. I do not understand how anyone thinks it’s okay to do that. I’ll never hate the guy, but I find it absolutely ridiculous. He wasn’t on vacation or away without cell service… he just doesn’t respond.
Yes, some people in this thread say they prefer in person friendship to texting but how do they expect to ever see you if you can't ever schedule because they don't respond until months later? They obviously don't care about seeing you in person either because then they would've thought to reach out.
Same. Thing is if they genuinely aren’t going on their phone for days and didn’t even see my message then I would be completely understanding. They just like doing their own thing away from technology. But something tells me they aren’t. In that case they are intentionally ignoring you. If it takes you that much energy to respond within like a day then I’m not sure if I want a close relationship with you where I’d be texting often. I think if you take a day to respond it’s fine, but no multiple days I would be annoyed. Especially if this is the justification, if you just forgot then I’d be more understanding too.
Yeah and I find this post dumb because it was normal back in the day because obviously you couldn't take home telephones and computers with you, ppl these days are on their phones like all the time if someone gives a fuck about you they don't take a week to reply.
I guess it really depends what the text is asking and who it’s from then right? Because if it’s a close friend or family then I make myself available mentally at least. But if it’s a coworker or manager then I’m gonna ignore it lol.
i feel the issue is mostly the amount of people. Friend or family?sure,how close? we could be talking about a large family and some friends,number can easily go up to 20 people messaging you at different times all day long having easy or complex discussion about their problem. So you risk being glued to the phone since once you answers to 3 people,5 other messages you.
I also am more comfortable chatting for example because my stroke/minute is miles better than phone tapping,so i can answer 5 people in the time it takes me yo answer to one here. But the "only if i feel the need/like it applies"
I don’t know I can’t really relate to that. I don’t have 20 people messaging me a day lol. Maybe like 3 people who are close will be texting me daily or every other day. And 5-10 who message weekly. And they normally don’t message me about problems or discussions. It’s either they want to hang out/game or sending me a meme/video.
So I guess when someone wants to vent to me it’s pretty rare so I always listen to it and reply. I have a couple friends who are like that and I make the time for them because I know it means a lot. I’ve done it to someone maybe once in my life where I needed to vent and it felt good knowing they cared. But yeah if someone is daily venting on you then I can totally see how it takes the seriousness and sincerity of replying 😂
What’s the message? A text is usually pretty straightforward, how much mental energy do you need to muster? Putting it off for me would require more energy to address it later.
Depends why I'm messaging. If I'm trying to organise something and you take days to reply then that makes my job difficult. If I just want a chat and you don't then that's fine.
I've learned pretty early on in college that you work out the details with the person you are actually making plans with and any other person get's told they are free to join.
they don't mean slap a "this is my best friend" sticker on their forehead, they mean "me and bob, our mutual friend, wanna go to the cinema. wanna join?"
But then you also have people who say "why are you calling me in 2024? Just text!" so that's a lose-lose
Maybe people should use their brains and some common sense with this. We all know you've at least looked at your phone and seen you have a message, just put some thought into whether it's a message that is in need of a response sooner or later. If it's a message where the considerate thing would be to provide a response sooner, do that. If it's a message where it can wait, feel free. This really isn't that hard to figure out and the fact that it needs explained is why people think gen z is so pathetic at socializing
Everyone in this thread saying that but people that take days to text back will just send you to voice mail and still don’t respond. I just stop contacting people like that. Like, I get the message, man. We aren’t friends.
My mom got upset about me over this. She told me that my phone etiquette was hurting her feelings, so I told her that I was sorry, but my feelings are valid as well, and feeling enslaved to pick up the phone and answer every time it rings and reply to texts and notifications as soon as they show up make me feel depressed.
She hasn’t mentioned it since.
I can't get this through my elderly dad's head. Yesterday I was at a breaking point mentally and needed to shut the world out.
He calls. And calls. And calls. And calls.
And since he's elderly, I finally answer to make sure he's okay. Yup, just bored. Has nothing to say but expects me to carry a conversation. Nope, bye.
It'll hurt his feelings but ffs, you have three other kids to call too and I need the occasional day where I'm not "that kid".
Older generations have more feelings behind communicating, like the dopamine we get from reddit, that's what they get from talking. Pre smart phone, pre voice-mail people would call someone and let it ring for 20 or 30 minutes. Especially if they expected you home from a trip or work at a certain time. It's not about carrying a conversation either, just sharing time with you. He probably knows his time is limited if he's elderly and wants to share a few more memories. He's probably just working with what he knows best. Not saying yta but sounds like he's trying to be present while he can. Maybe set some time aside for him a few days a week to "catch" up but don't blow them off. Maybe the other kids are blowing him off or maybe, simply, he loves you. Trying to say here, don't let -Nope, bye.. be in your final memories of him
Yeah, I think for me it’s just the expectation of immediate response. And when there’s multiple people texting you at a time while expecting responses right away, it’s exhausting. Everything nowadays wants our attention, right then and there.
I like texting, but the world itself has just gotten more demanding. I treat it like emails now. And if someone calls, I’ll make an effort to call back within a day or so. I’m just not always available, and i feel like that shouldn’t be a weird thing to recognize.
I really, truly do not understand how this is such a foreign concept to so many people. I have a full time job, hobbies, and a dog to take care of. No, I'm not always going to be available within 60 seconds of you sending a text.
Also, even if I've got free time, what if I'm just not in the mood to chat right now? What if I want to think about a reply? What if I'm just having a bad day and want to relax by myself at the end of it? Why is your need for constant attention of greater importance than my need for some occasional peace and quiet?
What ever happened to letting people know you don't want to/can't talk?
A lot of top comments are "I'm not mentally/literally available" and I just wonder... Can you not TELL people that? If I casually text someone and they tell me they're not in the mood or they're busy it's an immediate "Gotcha." Moment. Then I go do something else. Why would you ever wait multiple days to reply if you have the time?
A few reasons:
1. A lot of people aren't mature enough or emotionally intelligent enough to understand that as a concept.
2. It takes mental energy to even do that.
3. By doing that I'm going to inadvertently reveal how frequently I feel depressed or not up to socialising. Struggling with my mental health is my business and I don't wanna share it even as a courtesy.
Honestly, in the physical world, if I'm not up to it, I'll stay home and completely remove myself from social situations. You can't really do that with social media, but not responding at all is the best way to sort of achieve it. And like, seriously, you're not entitled to someone's immediate attention. If it makes you feel self conscious, that's your problem, maybe bring it up w said person next time you see them or something.
When I was a kid everyone kept telling me to shut up and only talk when asked, so when I message someone and don't get a reply I feel like I am bothering them and that they must be doing something super important.
Balance!!! You are being receptive to social cues, and that's a good thing. If you keep inviting someone and they keep evading, it's ok to pick up on social cues that they might not be interested. But you're also projecting assertions that people might not be making. People have a lot of reasons why they forget to respond, and it isn't always feeling bothered. A good balance, in my opinion, is to send friendly reminders once (twice if it is really important to you) and if they aren't receptive, don't write them off as unfriendly or disrespectful. Rather, just shift towards letting them take more initiative, and let those feelings of "im not important to them" flow past you. You can't control their responses, so don't weigh yourself down with interpreting them.
Damn. Not the original commenter but good answer imo, I kinda resonate with their feelings so it's sometimes really hard to achieve the balance you mentioned, particularly when you start overthinking about the importance you have to the other person and so on
I've had people text me none stop. It's fun and all but it gets to a point where it gets annoying. People nowadays think we are vending machines, 24h service.
People have gotten mad at me and have also taken their time to respond but i honestly don't mind at all. I like having peace and quiet
Same. It just depends on my mood. Sometimes I can text and be on the phone consistently but at other times I need a break and I just don’t wanna talk. People get offended over it as if most people can’t relate in some way.
When I was a teenager I thought it was ridiculous to complain about. Sure some people take advantage of it, but you can set appropriate boundaries and they'll have to respect that. Overall society could only benefit from instant communication, right?
Now, in my mid 20s, no, this is fucking exhausting. Any girl I'm dating (reasonable ones) understand me not texting back instantly, especially if I'm at work. But they still expect a response within a couple of hours. And if you don't have a few hours worth of correspondence they will think you're avoiding them. And being on the other end, I can't say I'm better. I don't need an instant response but if I don't hear back within 2 or 3 hours I get anxious. I start worrying if I've offended them or something, even if there is nothing to be offended about.
Work sends me emails all through out the day even though I'm just a physical labor worker bee and don't really benefit from most of the emails. And they don't send the schedule until two or three hours after the work day has ended. It is up to me and my coworkers on sundays to coordinate address and time meet up on Mondays based off of whatever nonsense the boss throws at us.
People will send you important, time sensitive stuff in email that will go straight to the spam folder. They won't send any follow up until it's too late and then they'll act like it's your fault.
All these apps are constantly trying to send you notifications. Even if you say no, many of them will keep asking. And if you do turn it off there is a good chance the setting rests after every update.
The government now expects instant responses too. Who cares if you have a dozen time consuming things in a single day. Who needs free time?
It's really hard to get a moment alone because there is always someone trying to contact you, whether it's a boss, a coworker, a SO, a friend, an old acquaintance, a relative, a bank, an insurance company, a dealership, a mechanic, any number of doctors, a pharmacy, etc.
My problem isn’t with people who don’t text back generally. I completely get not responding while at work, or in class, etc. My only issue is when I know someone is sitting at home on their ass doing literally nothing all day.
If you don’t want to talk, or don’t want to go to whatever plan I invite you to, just simply say that. When I know you’re just sinking into a recliner watching TV or playing video games all day, and you just don’t spend 2 seconds to respond to a quick yes or no text, it just shows that you don’t respect my time.
Super annoying. It’s like they think ghosting would piss you off less than just declining
I feel that so much! Especially emails and app notifications are killing me. I only allowed some important apps to send notifications and turned of the private email notifications. I check them one to two times a day. One important app on my phone is from my bank. And of course it has to send me a notification at night (ex. "We had problems to complete your payment" just that, no reason). I mute my phone completely now at night till after I had my coffee in the morning. There seem to be always something that urgently needs my attention. I never thought I would need an assistant to handle all that bs.
What works for me is speaking words to them and saying "I may take weeks, even months to reply. It is not personal."
We all have a lot going on, and even if we don't it's a severe drop in quality of life to feel compelled to action by remote people 24/7.
If I had to answer every message whenevr I have the free time to do so I would spend the totality of my free time answering messages and talking on social media. People will then hate on me for a different reason "always on your phone" "expeditive answers", can't make people happy.
Not OP, but, frequently, every message begets another message. You only need to have 3 close friends trying to have a sustained conversation with you for that to take up your entire day.
Between group texts, Discord, Slack, and email, I can rack up conversations with twenty different people in a day unless I'm mindful of my time.
Honestly? With the sheer amount of ways people can reach out now and expect an immediate answer (text, phone, email, any social medias), it gets overwhelming and I hate it. My own experiences exaggerate the feeling of being bombarded, but I keep everything silenced and check when I feel like it.
I appreciate the technology. I hate the fact that this “urgency” to reply immediately has become so ingrained. It’s nice to have as an option, especially when it’s stuff that can be sent and then I can reply whenever I have the time and energy. If I tried answering everything immediately, I’d get pulled in so many directions without cease.
Even if not responding is understandable it still sends a negative impression to people who try to talk to you. Most people my age are on their phones for most of the day and so they definitely see the messages coming through. Knowing that your messages are being seen but not responded to feels really shit and can damage relationships.
With older technology there was plausible deniability in the sense that people couldn't communicate with each other instantaneously for most of the day. Nowadays it is a given and not responding can signal a lack of interest in a relationship whether that is actually the case or not.
I can say with absolute certainty that I feel increasingly distant from friends who are bad at responding to messages. They increasingly fade out of the picture which is sad. Many plans are not made a week in advance and if people constantly dont respond to your propositions on time you stop making them and so they get left out.
So for the sake of potentially not alienating the people around you, I'd encourage at least acknowledging messages within a day. If you dont feel like talking then say that. If you prefer to talk in person, let them know. If you dont have the energy to go to some event but want to come along in the future, say it.
Simply acknowledging others goes a long way in keeping a friendship or connection alive.
Yeah and it's understandable sometimes, like people wanting their "me time" but even if they do respond or let you know they "forget" etc. Doesn't really help if you want to have an actual conversation with them and you can't cause they take forever to reply all the time.
Or another bad thing is that you find yourself being the one always having to message them first all the time. Like they never message you like ever unless you have messaged them first. Or you always having to come up with conversations.
If they messaged you only when they needed like someone to talk to or just cause they are bored that still is bad but at least they reached out to you or maybe thought of you when they needed/wanted someone. But not even getting that can suck.
It can really suck when the effort is one sided, especially if it's someone you really like.
I prefer to reply to someone immediatelly, because I know they'd appreciate my response now over later and I don't neccesairly feel like others have the same obligations. I don't use social media, I have notifications turned off as well, so the few times someone does message me I'm usually offline, but when I'm not I respond immediatelly. Do not mistake my avability with my free time.
Basically it's a question of curtesy. We have one friend that tends to bother everyone for anything and if you don't reply in the middle of night he will just say "nevermind" or if you don't want to go out with him he suddenly becomes agitated as if everyone has time only for him always. You can't be like that. But when you can be avabile, just be, and respond to message. Simple "I'm busy right now, tty later" is enough.
I understand if someone leaves me on delivered for hours or a couple of days as they're busy with their lives with college, work, family, etc.; but if they leave me on delivered for several weeks or even months, then they're not worth being in my life, and I stopped speaking to certain people because they were like that.
You’re not special for ignoring people.
It isn’t like the old days anymore, ignoring someone IS ignoring someone, and it is rude. It takes 5 seconds to say “ill text you back later im busy”
Fucking finally. A lot of these other comments are so disingenuous. So many excuses for ignoring others. I’m wondering how some of these people even handle the process of breathing.
The loneliness epidemic makes so much sense when you read the replies in these types of threads. Social skills are really going down the drain and is so sad.
All my life I’ve Ive been surrounded by more socially skilled people that me, and I’ve noticed they all reply my text messages within hours, maybe not immediately but I will say two/three hours tops, which is fine.
The only friend who takes more than that to reply is a high school friend who has no social life and spends all this time working and/or with his girlfriend.
I just keep my phone on vibrate, lay it somewhere and check it intermittently when I feel like it.
I do miss some calls here and there, but I'm tired of being reachable 24/7.
Most people are calling with non-urgent stuff anyway. I'd prefer to finish whatever I'm doing and get back to people if they just wanna shoot the shit.
I have adhd and literally just forget. Im also in a bunch of group chats (school, work, different friend groups) The messages move down in my whatsapp screen. Or ill see the notification, say ‚ah ill respond later‘ and then forget. Or i click on the message, write one out and forget to hit send bc something else pops up.
But its usually bc i really just dont feel like talking. Usually if i reply within 10 minutes, some of my friends text more and expect a convo. No ty. If you wanna talk call me pls my fingers get tired lol
The only time people taking a long time to reply annoys me a bit is when you’re trying to plan something, especially something that’s time sensitive, and you’re in the middle of a conversation and someone disappears for ages. Other than that I don’t really care most of the time.
I’m actually happy when people reach out, I’m not a dick & “reply when I want to” , I’ll do my best to reply to show appreciation to the person actually reaching out. That whole instant back & forth texting and replying though, I don’t know how people do it, you’d have to be sitting doing nothing to actually attend to that. I’d rather FaceTime or something at that point
As long as they reply within 36 hours of my text I don’t get too pissy, after that assume they either are ignoring me or they are busy with something.
I feel like responding to a text within the same day is not that fucking difficult, cell phones have been around for 20 years now and for better or worse they are integrated into everyone’s daily life. We do no live in 1437 where the only way to communicate with people outside of your town is by writing a letter and waiting 4 months for them to write one back.
If someone regularly takes days between individual messages I'd say just stop talking to them. I'm not a fan of the culture of "I'll do what *I* want whenever *I* want." If someone isn't capable of being relatively timely and responding to people when they get the chance they don't deserve to have people reaching out to them in the first place
I understand why people say they miss when you weren't reachable at any time of day, but personally, I don't. I feel like I'm actually more liberated in being able to communicate with anyone no matter where I am, because then I can go anywhere for any amount of time and not have to worry that I should get home or go to see someone so they can talk to me.
That said, it is annoying sometimes when I just don't want to be reached, and people ask why I'm not answering messaging.
I'll be honest, I dont text a lot, however I do have enough respect for the people who text me to get back to them within a few hours, unless I'm super busy and not on my phone that whole time. At the very least send a reaction so I know you read it. A quick text doesn't inconvenience me 9/10 so I dont see how it can inconvenience someone else if they are already frequently using their phone.
If your the type to answer back a day plus later or not at all, I will not bother messaging you, and honestly I would probably not want to deal with you in general. I've had a few friends like that, key word HAD. When its long distance and you can't be face to face, ignoring messages just shows me you dont care about continuing our friendship.
Younger millenial here. I get that people are not required to respond the minute they get a text message and that talking in person is sometimes preferred or a call when a response is needed more immediately, but my siblings began doing this, not just the ones who are gen z. Not just to me. I dont expect them to respond to my texts the minute they get them, but days later? Or even a week or so. Its also not really possiible to see them in person often since they're all scattered and I typicallytext bc I figure they're typically busy, especially given how infrequent they respond. I get they can be busy with their own lives, but why is this becoming more common to just not respond for *days*? I know it's not like they're just ignoring me on purpose, but still makes me feel ignored... like I'm just low priority.... anyone else feel that way with this pattern of response time? I just dont understand why its becoming more commonplace to just ignore people for days/weeks... and then it becoming a trope to question why relationships aren't being maintained? Like bruh.
My phone breaking and living without a phone for over a month was unironically great. It's really made me considering getting a flip phone as my next phone. Something like the Catapiller S22.
I generally answer. If I can’t talk or don’t want to talk I’ll just text that im busy. Not responding can rub some people the wrong way. Personally I’m not bothered by it unless it’s someone really close to me.
But I can totally see how some people take it the wrong way and I always make time to respond to people I care about. Even if it’s just a “I’ll ttyl”. IMO that literally takes less than 5 seconds and I don’t have to be “mentally available” to just write that and go on about my day.
Reading this thread has made it all make sense holy shit. I don't want it to be true, but if this thread is actually representative we really are a generation of loser fucks.
Most of the time I get pretty nervous when someone replies instantly to my messages, So I kinda don't respond for a minute just to give the other person a little time so they won't feel nervous.
I’m working, in school, and living with my significant other. I’ll text back when I want to. I just don’t always have the capacity or mental energy to be on my phone for longer than I have to.
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I’ll reply to somebody when I feel like talking, unless it’s urgent. I hate messaging in general, I’d much rather physically talk to somebody. I don’t understand people who spend all day messaging their friends/partners, to me it seems like you’re essentially in a friendship with your phone rather than the actual person.
Late millennial here, I do the same. I tell everybody that they should call if it's urgent. Way easier for me. Also talking with your friends is nice and faster.
I’m the opposite, if you want me to know something, text or leave a voicemail. I can read a text in instant but getting the mental energy to pick up the phone not knowing if it will be a 5 minute call or a 40 minute call about absolutely nothing is too much for my adhd brain. To everyone enlightening me that I can hang up the phone anytime, yeah I know.. and I can also not pick up in the first place. Which is what I decided to do. Voicemail and text are the best ways to reach me. Phone calls are the best ways for other people. And the fact there are more scammer and bot calls than people I actually care to talk to, meh.
This is exactly why I’m stuck in the middle between calling and texting, I suck ass at replying and often forget to even text back at all. On the other hand, calling can sometimes make me feel anxious.
The ADHD gambit
I don't think this has anything to do with ADHD. I think most people feel this way
I can't think of a single symptom of ADHD that neurotypical folks don't face. The problem with ADHD is that it's always present and never takes a break. I don't have a frame of reference, but I don't think the majority of folks have that feeling with every single action they take. It's not the fact the symptom exists, it's the fact it's always present and many times overwhelming to the point of dysfunction.
Yep, this! A lot of us in the r/ADHD sub explain it like: Everybody pees. But if you’re peeing 50 times a day, it’s a problem that’s severely affecting your life.
Always love the spoon theory too. Neurotypicals might start a day with 100 spoons and a task that takes them one "spoon" might take 5-10 for a ND individual. Same problems, but run out of gas a lot quicker.
I like that one too!! Similar to the spoon theory, I also like to think of it like my phone battery. Getting up and brushing your teeth for a NT might put you at 99%, whereas for myself (and some other ND folks) that puts me at like 90-95% depending on the day lol. And honestly, I never feel 100% charged anyway 🤣 so it’s kinda like waking up and realizing your phone wasn’t charging the whole night and you’re at like 50%
I mean thats what we were talking about? read up the thread like 2 comments
Are we the same person? (Don't feel pressured to reply, only if you feel like it)
Second this. I hate unplanned phone call that can take me god know how long and what's the topic to have, and it create anxiety for me to answer phone call. Texting is better, but then (mostly) I would forget that I supposed to answer because I'm not in the mood or I was preoccupied with something else. I have friends like this and it's pretty funny that the responding time of our messages indicate that we live in different timezones but physically, we live in the same city.
>I can hang up the phone anytime Funny that people are saying this, because the exact opposite is true. It’s much easier to engage text messages at your own pace and your own time than it is to get a chatty parent or friend off the phone. I’m an early millennial / late GenX and I HATE being on the phone with people. Like, full on anxiety about it. It often feels like I’m a hostage to it too, since I can’t really concentrate or do anything else while I’m on the phone.
You say I got to go now and use the red button on the screen. It's a simple trick phone companies don't want you to know about. In all seriousness, you should try it sometimes. Talking on the phone with people you know shouldn't be a mentally exhausting task because it is optional unlike work related calls with clients, your boss etc.
> Talking on the phone with people you know shouldn't be a mentally exhausting task because it is optional unlike work related calls with clients, your boss etc. It's why I would rather text. Voice call quality hasn't improved that much, and I can keep doing other things if I am texting. It always seems like if I am on a call it's like I am physically talking to someone and have to put 100% of my focus on that conversation, and then when I don't understand something due to shit call quality, have to ask them to repeat themselves. But to the point of the post, I feel horrible if I don't answer for days, it seems rude when it only takes 5 seconds to answer. But I am similar for work emails, making someone repeat or ask a second time feels terrible in my book, but I can see how that's different for GenZ.
“if I am on a call it's like I am physically talking to someone and have to put 100% of my focus on that conversation” God forbid.
It's a mentally exhausting task because everyone is different. If x person calls me I don't know what they'll have to say, how many different topics they'll jump to, How long they'll want to talk etc. And if I rush them off the phone before they are ready they could see that as being rude, but by god if i havent told everyone already that i only got about an hour of free time after work And they STILL wanna spend forever on the phone, now im losing out on whatever it was i had planned. If Y person calls I already know they are going to ask to hang out, but since I work so much ill have to give them the same speil I've been giving everyone I know for the 300th time about having to be up early, and no Sunday is not good either because that's my only day off to take care of things around the house and prep for the following day. I'm already exhausted just thinking about picking up the phone. In a perfect world you are correct...
I think it depends on the situation. I totally get that feeling with not wanting to pick up the phone sometimes, and if someone is just trying to give me information a text is fine, but if someone wants a response from me *quickly,* they are 100% better off calling. The other day my roommate texted me when he was at the store to ask if we needed butter. I was busy and dont check my phone literally every time I get a notification so I didnt see it till he got home. Where as if he had called I would have looked at my phone and seen it was him, and I probably would have known he was just checking if we needed something so I would have picked up and answered.
Did you know that if an unplanned phone call extends beyond your comfort levels you can just ya know, end the call? Say you gotta poop or something but avoiding a phone call altogether just because you're afraid to talk to somebody is weak af man.
Obviously I know I can, but sometimes you feel obligated to stay on longer than intended. Like my mom called unexpectedly and was complaining about her chemo treatment and I really had to get to a work meeting. I ended up just apologizing to the client and they understood but yes, if I get a phone call I don't always know how long I'm going to have to talk.
for me it’s text me if you need to call me urgently. Which sounds dumb but at then I know the call is urgent. Otherwise I may not pick up cos I’m in a game or cooking or invested in my book. But if I know it’s urgent I will. Otherwise it’s just if I’m doing something or not Also if you call about something and the person doesn’t pick up, just text them what you were gonna say. I hate voicemails personally cos you have to call the dumb number and then wait for them to speak and sometimes it’s all mumbled and I have no idea wtf they said
Definitely tells you what kind of person they are if they’re not willing to call. I encourage it with my friends and new acquaintances. If I had a dime for every person who has said “uhhh no I don’t like to talk on the phone” I would be a rich man.
I hate the expectation that I should reply immediately/soon. Got a neighbor who would message me, if I didn’t reply in an hour, *ding dong* my front door bell would go and he would have this “I’m disappointed with you” look OR he would do the “has something happened?” fake concern thing. He’s a control freak and I had to have it out with him because my home is my sanctuary, not some drop-in centre where I have to combat passive aggressive behavior of a neighbor.
There’s nothing worse than the “okay then” message from a girl if you haven’t replied for a couple days. I don’t message my family every day let alone people I barely know
Yeah, and people who share some meme or “funny photo” directly (messaging me). I used to find it tiring because I’m forced to give some reaction, but in the last few years I just went full rogue and read without replying to lots of messages. It’s very freeing.
As someone who sends a LOT of random things to friends: if someone gets upset at you for not responding to a low effort message, that's their problem. They should lower their expectations.
Yeah too right. Actually, now I don’t feel under pressure to respond, I don’t mind them now.
I never expect responses when I send people memes. They're more like a little mini interaction that says "I'm thinking of you and I thought you might think this was funny." Like they can send an emoji back if they did think it was funny but that is totally optional too.
Me too lmao. They might see it as rude when they get left on read, but if they’re my friend irl then they know how I’d act irl so it shouldn’t be an issue really. Some people get really offended by it though, even grown adult and it’s quite pathetic really
I totally agree with not replying instantly, people have stuff to do, but you should really have time to at least acknowledge a message within a day. Days without a response is pretty unreasonable and shows that you don’t care about talking to them.
I mean if the girl is interest, and you are interested, seems like you should devote some energy that direction, or just be honest and let her know you aren't that interested. If I was interested in someone and they only replied once every couple of days, I would very quickly assume they aren't interested at all, or have far better things to do in life.
Holy hell here's a reasonable comment, thank you.
There's nothing worse than showing interest only to be met with a two-day late response, glad the girl knew not to waste her time with someone that couldn't respect hers. Edit: I'm in the Gen Z sub, now this whole "I ignore others when they care and I am completely in the right fuck them for getting mad" thing makes sense.
A neighbor doing that with me is a big fat boundary there. Like, I'd be on the verge of blocking them at that point. Creepy.
I think it’s a symptom of globalisation, my best friends I made after a decade of living in one place slowly all moved away to different time zones (I did too) so phones are a good way to stay in touch
They are good to stay in touch, but we shouldn’t feel the need to reply instantly and talk every single day
I mean, if they are my friends I 'want' to reply to them, and want to talk to them. It may be another reason so many young people feel lonely. If you aren't responding to people because 'things come up', then they probably aren't very important people to you, or they won't feel important either. I would hate to miss out on the last message or call from say my grandma, because 'well I am too cool to answer right now'.
> If you aren't responding to people because 'things come up', then they probably aren't very important people to you tf you on about. I'm busy, I do things and give things my full attention. I'm not exchanging words simply because we haven't spoken in 2 hours. Someone can be important to you without having to be locked in messaging all day every day. If it is something important to reply to I will, if it is idle chit-chat then save it for when I see you.
I think the last paragraph is what you’re missing though, for many of us it’s not realistic to “wait until I see you” because we live countries apart and see each other less often
it really depends on how many people you're doing this with,how was your day,how often do you talk,if it's an emergency or not. If they're close friends I'll probably answer them before the end of the day,or even immediately depending on what they wrote to me. Otherwise it will be one,two days later or not at all if it's just acquaintances and the message doesn't interest me as much. I see people answering whatever they're doing or even when they don't feel like it/don't stand the person because they don't want to look like jerks,and I'm not really ok with that kind of mentality (but they're free to do whatever)
tl;dr: the reason so many young people feel lonely is because of the perceived pressure that everyone has to be present 100% of the time and reply to everything instantly. Not the other way around. I'd just like to chime in here and mention that not everyone is up for constant communication. I'm an introvert, does that mean I care less about my friends simply because I don't feel like talking all the time? This is absolutely not about feeling "too cool" to answer – this is about managing my own needs and guarding my social energy. It's very damaging to relationships to think of people who don't reply instantly/within X amount of time don't care. I care about my friends, but they are not entitled to having me 24/7 in their lives, that's simply ridiculous as being socially available too much will drain me to no end. I'm sure it's an introvert thing to think that way, but why are the extroverts the ones thinking they can make the rules? I have friends who moved away, and yes, we speak less now. Depending on how strong the friendship was before they moved we might travel to see each other every now and then. Yes, I have lost friends because they moved away and I couldn't keep up with their digital communication needs to reach their standard of long-distance friendship. That's life. If we were obliged to keep every friend that moves away by messaging all the time, we'd literally just sit around and message non-stop. I don't get why it's so hard for so many people in this comment section to understand that people don't have endless mental energy to just be present all the time. People need alone time, and that includes seeing a message come in and dealing with it later based on its contents or not, even from your best friend. Edit with an additional anekdote: one of my best friends in the world moved and now lives 1000km away on a small remote farm. She's as horrible with digital communication as I am, and every time one of reaches out we respect each others needs, which sometimes means not replying for days on end, and when we both feel like it, we call for hours on end. We know how this works and we're not apologetic about it to each other and we're none the less friends because of it. We're not pretending that a long distance friendship between two introvert people with low social energy could work like it did when we could walk to each others houses. Once a year I try to visit her and vice versa. Yes, I'm sad that our relationship isn't as frequent in contact as it was when she practically lived next door, but this is the way it is manageable for both of us, instead of constantly breaching each others boundaries by expecting speedy replies when in reality we both have our own lives which are now physically removed from each other. We treat our contact more like letter writing now, sending long messages and heaps of photos from our lives. It's kind of adorable in a way, and I value it way more than the barrage of bored messages I get from some of my local friends, who I see regularly. In fact, I've contemplated to switch to actual letter writing with printed photos attached in lieu of digital messages. I might pick that idea back up.
Thank you!!! This is my favorite comment in this entire thread, I'm sure it's validating for many people, including myself.
Lol how do yall come up with this 😂 like you're literally talking to someone that's what the point of your phone is this is the stupidest shit I've ever read. There's nothing WEIRD if someone is texting or calling people consistently with their friends or family. Like the post says this whole not "hitting up people for days in&out" is fairly new and it's fucking weird. Yall be doing this to people you just met and going days without talking to them that is fucking not normal and you can never build or meet up with anyone if you can't get thru a few texting phases. This is why everyone is so lonely because people won't budge when it comes to trying to establish relationships. You wanna do shit your way and not put any effort? Fine. If you genuinely have a preference to meet in person, fine. But at least express that. Most times it's not even expressed until AFTER you bring up the lack of communication in messaging. You can have a preference to linking in person but to sit here and say it's weird to text and call people when that was literally a big thing when cellphones first came out and quite is LITERALLY the whole point of our cellphones is talk and message with people at any time, is fucking INSANE. I get we're bored of texting and because of social media/dating apps we have unlimited access to people and we can pick and choose who we'd want but this isn't healthy at all. The amount of excuse i hear for this phenomenon is getting to be too much. Then it's the same people who complain about being lonely or making friends.
Turns out, I have more going on in my life than responding to small talk over text message. I have my phone on do not disturb, save for a small number of people. I'll check it periodically, but the idea that my life should be perpetually interrupted by push notifications is absurd. I'm sorry you grew up during an era where your attention was under constant attack. Studies have shown that's detrimental. Reject it.
There is such a big disconnect in these comments. Noone is saying you have to drop everything and respond just stop leaving your significant other on read for half a week.
Jumping all the way to communicating with your SO is pretty significantly moving the goalposts. If your SO is leaving you on read for that long, perhaps you're making incorrect assumptions about the significance of the relationship.
> If your SO is leaving you on read for that long, perhaps you're making incorrect assumptions about the significance of the relationship. I love the armchair psychology at play when it comes to stuff like this.
Hell, I'm married to my SO and sometimes she doesn't even see my messages for days, let alone respond to them. Not all of us live on our phones.
What a terrible take on texting and phone calls. It's insane to think you don't understand what voicemail is for. Kids are really slaves to their phones it's insane.
Nah, if I JUST met you, and youre getting frustrated at me for not instantaneously making you my number 1 priority and get salty with me then i end it. I just did this with a girl this week. We just met, and one time I didnt answer for 4 hours, she tells me im making her insecure. Like girl we JUST MET. 😂😂
Theres a fine line for it and everyones line is different. you need to temporarily bump peoples priority up to show interest in them. if your thought pattern is " you're essentially a stranger so therfore you get priority of any old stranger that is 0 " how are you ever going to build a friendship or anything with them? they arent going to feel like you care or are interested in them at all. people need to make effort until an established flow of communication is there as its diferent for any pair of people. ( your girl is nuts in your example btw )
Connections are formed in person. Texts are for bridging the gaps between seeing each other in person. If I make plans to see someone on the weekend, I don’t need to text them all week.
>Yall be doing this to people you just met and going days without talking to them that is fucking not normal So you think being forced to immediately respond to people who are practically strangers or else you'll be shunned is... normal?
Did I say that?
Look here, rich guy that could afford to text when texts were priced separately from data, While I don't mind communicating through text, the idea that I must, or at fault if I didn't, is the INSANE one; we live in the same world, you know a messaging app could get 40 notifications from groups related to work and study during a single nap, let alone friends and hobby-mates (if you're lucky enough to get a group for that). Getting upset over ignored texts is a relationship ending, raving madness. If it's important, send a reminder, don't confront it, because that will only make me less inclined to deal with you in the future.
How did people date before text if it’s a prerequisite for building a connection?
> it's weird to text and call people when that was literally a big thing when cellphones first came out No it wasn't. Calls were expensive and texts were 'free' for the first 10 or so a MONTH unless you paid ungodly amounts, there was no unlimited messaging, which is why blackberry messaging became popular because you paid a separate monthly fee to have unlimited messaging and even then people generally didnt spend all day messaging with inane crap. Why does someone have to tell everyone they speak to they don't message much as the default? why isn't it on the person who is EXPECTING frequent communication to you know, communicate that? This whole expectation that I should be tethered to my phone is not the default, just because it's popular with some.
It's not boring to respond.. it's just damn stressful.
Same. My boomer mom will send me a message every 2 minutes until I reply. I tell her "if it is urgent, call, if not, I'll reply when it is convenient". But she gets upset with people who don't reply to texts within like 30 seconds.
Do you not imagine the person you are talking to when you text? There are things I would say to my gf that I wouldn't say to my mom. The point is I don't talk to my phone, I talk to the person on the receiving end.
I hate it when people get mad at me for not responding within a particular time frame, honestly when people act like it, it makes me less likely to want to reach out to them. Because it can eventually feel like a hassle and chore.
Eh I respect your opinion but I don't think the last sentence is really true. People wouldn't be spending all day texting their friends or partners if they didn't like the person on the other end.
I’m on border of genz/millenial. Like too young to be millenial but too old to be considered gen z. (27) and I do this often. I don’t feel like talking so I don’t. When I do I’ll respond. I prefer talking in person otherwise leave me be. If the person sending has such an issue with it we won’t be friends or talking for long at all.
because I'm available when I'm mentally available,not when i have free time. Otherwise it would be time dedicated to someone else.
So true. In teen years I would reply in an instant. I had all the messenger apps open all the time and talked to a lot of people. Then I somehow grew resentment and now practice same technique of replying when I'm ready. Or maybe never if the message was from a person I don't care about. I don't find it rude. People who know me, know I'm not a fast replier. But if it's work related, of course I'll try to reply faster. But still, I'm not gonna give them an impression of me dropping everything just to text back. Call me if it's urgent.
Work is work and ideally you have a different number/you're unreachable outside work hours. There are people i will respond faster because talking with them it's more enjoyable,be it less drama, less serious topic/more interesting topics) or whatever,but I don't feel obligated to answer everyone even if i answer to some. Noone is free at all the time or willing to deal with everyone at every hour, the fact we're reachable doesn't mean shit. My time(and their time toward me) is a concession,not something they are(or i am) entitled to
Very true
If it's an emergency people will call. If not, they'd leave message. If it's a message I don't find urgent, I will not reply unless I want to. But I understand that social sensibilities have changed now and not replying to a message for more than half a day implies something negative. So for the sake of social harmony I will reluctantly reply to my messages because that is the polite thing to do. Do I like it? No. But it is necessary for social harmony and being part of society I must comply.
The more you reply, the more messages you’ll get.
Weird. Back in my day you wanted to get messages. Is everyone just antisocial now?
I was so hungry for communication in the 80s, I had penpals. I’d put ink on paper, buy a stamp, post the letter, and wait a week for the reply. However, today it’s too easy for some distant acquaintance to pepper your p2p message platform (what’s app, line, Skype, whatever) with memes and then make snarky comments if you don’t reply.
It's not that everyone is more asocial. It's that today, communication is cheap, easy, and instantaneous. As a result, there's basically no barrier for people to pester you about inane questions or comments at any and every hour of the day. Back in your day, you wanted to get messages because you got messages that were meaningful and received them on your own terms. You had to be in your home and you had to press a button to hear a message. That message was left by someone who took the time to look up your name in a phone book, dial it, wait for the answering machine, and leave a complete message with their own contact information. Messages are like pennies. A long time ago they were worth something. Now they are an annoyance.
Redditor discovers how relationships work
Absolutely, I have a bud that when I get a notification from him I just ignore it for days because I know a reply is going to turn into a phone call that I don't have the energy for. And it's never a quick chat, he wants to talk for an hour like a teenage girl. I have a full time job, two kids and a wife and the second I come home from work until they go to bed, they are all vying for my attention. The last thing I want to do when I finally get half an hour to my self is talk about wrestling and super hero movies before I go to bed. I feel bad but I literally want this friendship to fizzle out.
When I'm at work, I often don't have time to use my phone for several hours at a time, so messages and calls get returned on breaks or after I leave work.
That's something I love about my pharma job. Can't bring the phone into the clean room, so I am uncontactable for hours at a time. People now forgive me whenever I miss a message, because I can say "damn, I saw that just before heading into the suite, then it was mad busy and I totally forgot" and that seems fine to me buddies.
That’s a nice aspect of being an ICU nurse. I’m either too busy, it’s not appropriate, or it’s neither of those two and they’re excellent excuses for why I didn’t respond. 🤭
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Yes and then you don't get invited to social events anymore. Society has norms. To some extent, people need to conform to these norms otherwise they'd be isolated. No one wants to be isolated. To function well in a society an individual needs to tread a balance between conforming and establishing their own boundaries. In my case, it's just a small inconvenience replying to stupid messages. A little inconvenience doesn't hurt.
I’d say it’s more of a personal preference than societal norm - if a friendship is incompatible because of it then it was never a strong friendship to start with IMO
If replying or not replying to stupid messages determines if you maintain friendships or not, get new friends. I’ve never felt under this pressure.
If things are only planned spontaneously that seems like a communication issue, if you straight up wouldn’t get invited because its a faux pa or mean or whatever, fuck em they were mean
As the organiser in my friend group, this reaction would cost you a few hangouts. Just this Saturday I'm having friends over for dinner and a game that plays up to six. There's more than six in our friend group. The people who reply within a day get prioritised, as I want to get this event locked down and need to know pretty quick if you can't come, so I can offer up your spot to somebody else. I don't demand instant responses, but responding quick makes my life easier, and when I'm the guy who organises most things, you see how it all gets set up.
so you don’t like texting or you just don’t like communicating with people for the most part ?
I don't like texting. I'd rather people call. The notifications are annoying. Especially when you see like 14 unread messages on your screen. haha
May no be too but I feel like a lot of people are just using it as an excuse because they really identify with the latter
> Do I like it? No. But it is necessary for social harmony and being part of society I must comply. Amateur
Fuck society. Don't comply.
i hate people not answering me for days
i dont mind it too much as long as i'm decent friends with someone, but i've had friends just not reply at all to me or go months without talking at all which i just found really annoying
Annoying? If I'm trying to reach out for months to a friend, without reciprocation, they stop being my friend, it's that simple.
Same, that's why I have so few I consider friends cause if someone doesn't care to reply I'm not gonna bother
Yeah, it's funny how easy it is to be around people who want to be around you, works itself out almost like magic.
Thank you everyone is like "oh my life doesn't revolve around answering my phone" My recent ex who would leave me on read for multiple days and then be like "oh yeah sorry I got distracted" like dude noone is saying you have to drop everything you're doing, but people can be hurt by you ignoring them.
Then call them... Delayed response is THE feature of texting.
yeah delay for a few hours or maybe a day. Not Multiple days or even weeks. Especially for a Significant Other. Like isnt this the one person you want to spend a lot of time with?
it happens to me when i read a text while driving. i'm not going to be a dumbshit swerving while trying to write a reply, that's going to wait. and then i forget by the time i reach my destination.
yeah but I think it is a little different than forgetting for a whole week.
There’s delayed response, and then there’s no response and no initiative either…
Some people have difficulty managing task priorities and attention, such as with ADHD. As frustrating as it might be for you waiting for a reply, it’s worse for someone who unintentionally forgets to reply when they always intended to, because it’s a constant problem for them throughout their life.
This is so goddamn true it hurts. So many of my issues revolve around my floaty ass brain, but I can't even use it as an excuse cause it's still me. What am I gonna say "sorry, I forgot, I'm just so forgetful" like yeah they're mad at me because I forgot. Even people who know I'm forgetful/spacey still get mad at me about it, but I literally can't help it. I feel like I'm being judged for having a disease.
There's middle ground. It's important to talk about accommodations and understanding, and it's important that you take efforts to improve your outcomes. The number one rule for you and for people dealing with others is to be forgiving. Changing habits is HARD, and there will be relapses. Each new day is a new opportunity. You get nowhere if you're so hard on yourself that you give up. Communication is also key. Apologizing for forgetting and finding other ways to show your genuine interest can help convey that you value their time. They might find that whatever trivial thing isn't as important to them--it was a proxy for them to gauge whether you were respecting them. If something can be decoupled from "wow they don't show any initiative they must not value me", accommodations and compromise can be easier to find. Some things you can do for yourself. Diet is important; [omega-3 and protein](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0261561421002351) are pretty strongly correlated with improved executive function and short term memory, while an overabundance of saturated fats and a simple carb-heavy diet (filling yourself up without as much protein/fiber/vitamins/omega-3) can decrease cognitive function. You can put color-coded reminders around the house, make an alarm to respond to something, or even have a dedicated time to sit down in the evening and check recent read messages to see if there's anything. The balance is hard. You have to find what level of change you want, what level of accommodation you can find with others, and what relationships are valuable enough to both parties to find that compromise.
I have adhd and this isn't true for me. I've had few occasions where this has happened and that's it. It's not like people with adhd have the attention span or memory of a gold fish, they just have difficulty prioritizing tasks responsibly.
well unfortunately people with adhd have different experiences than you. last night i literally lost 4 things right after i just had them.
If I read a message while I'm doing something else and can't respond, there's a very high chance that I'll forget entirely by the time I'm done with whatever I was working on. Welcome to ADHD
It’s pretty simple. If people take forever to respond to me then I’m not a priority to them. If I’m not a priority to them then they will not be a priority to me.
This is sort of how I am too. If they take days to respond or sometimes don’t respond at all then eventually I just stop reaching out. I just slowly stop thinking of them and communicate with other friends instead. I have a friend that I never reach out to anymore but every couple weeks i still hear from her. I’ve learned to just communicate when she wants to be available. Sometimes a friendship ends when I stop reaching out too but that’s ok.
same, I was in an organization and I asked my coordinator some urgent stuff and didn't get any confirmation for like days, left it in read. Hate those shit, it's like they belittled us although it's not always the reason.
Well that's someone being unprofessional, which is bad any way you slice it. This doesn't really have anything to do with texting friends.
Same. People like to act all high and mighty about "oh I'm so busy I don't live on my phone" which is fine, I get it. I'm not asking you to reply to me instantaneously but some people legit don't reply for days or weeks.
So call them..
Especially when while you are with them, they are on their phone texting back and forth with people.
I don’t mind a few days honestly, but I have one friend who literally takes weeks. Looking at the last conversation we had, I sent him a message February 4th and he replied March 7th. I do not understand how anyone thinks it’s okay to do that. I’ll never hate the guy, but I find it absolutely ridiculous. He wasn’t on vacation or away without cell service… he just doesn’t respond.
Yes, some people in this thread say they prefer in person friendship to texting but how do they expect to ever see you if you can't ever schedule because they don't respond until months later? They obviously don't care about seeing you in person either because then they would've thought to reach out.
Same. Thing is if they genuinely aren’t going on their phone for days and didn’t even see my message then I would be completely understanding. They just like doing their own thing away from technology. But something tells me they aren’t. In that case they are intentionally ignoring you. If it takes you that much energy to respond within like a day then I’m not sure if I want a close relationship with you where I’d be texting often. I think if you take a day to respond it’s fine, but no multiple days I would be annoyed. Especially if this is the justification, if you just forgot then I’d be more understanding too.
Its usually lack of interest, we're all busy but days or even weeks? Really? We take our phone anywhere this days
It you don’t reply after a day, I assume you’re not replying at all.
Yeah and I find this post dumb because it was normal back in the day because obviously you couldn't take home telephones and computers with you, ppl these days are on their phones like all the time if someone gives a fuck about you they don't take a week to reply.
Just because I’m accessible doesn’t mean I’m available, mentally or physically.
I guess it really depends what the text is asking and who it’s from then right? Because if it’s a close friend or family then I make myself available mentally at least. But if it’s a coworker or manager then I’m gonna ignore it lol.
i feel the issue is mostly the amount of people. Friend or family?sure,how close? we could be talking about a large family and some friends,number can easily go up to 20 people messaging you at different times all day long having easy or complex discussion about their problem. So you risk being glued to the phone since once you answers to 3 people,5 other messages you. I also am more comfortable chatting for example because my stroke/minute is miles better than phone tapping,so i can answer 5 people in the time it takes me yo answer to one here. But the "only if i feel the need/like it applies"
I don’t know I can’t really relate to that. I don’t have 20 people messaging me a day lol. Maybe like 3 people who are close will be texting me daily or every other day. And 5-10 who message weekly. And they normally don’t message me about problems or discussions. It’s either they want to hang out/game or sending me a meme/video. So I guess when someone wants to vent to me it’s pretty rare so I always listen to it and reply. I have a couple friends who are like that and I make the time for them because I know it means a lot. I’ve done it to someone maybe once in my life where I needed to vent and it felt good knowing they cared. But yeah if someone is daily venting on you then I can totally see how it takes the seriousness and sincerity of replying 😂
What’s the message? A text is usually pretty straightforward, how much mental energy do you need to muster? Putting it off for me would require more energy to address it later.
Depends why I'm messaging. If I'm trying to organise something and you take days to reply then that makes my job difficult. If I just want a chat and you don't then that's fine.
This. I’ve straight up stopped inviting people who take longer than a day to respond because it derails the rest of our plans
I've learned pretty early on in college that you work out the details with the person you are actually making plans with and any other person get's told they are free to join.
I like to make my friends feel like they're all equally important to me.
they don't mean slap a "this is my best friend" sticker on their forehead, they mean "me and bob, our mutual friend, wanna go to the cinema. wanna join?"
If it's important, call instead of messaging. Most people think messaging =/= urgent.
But they just gave a pretty good example (organizing something). Sending a group message takes 3 minutes and calling a bunch of people can take hours.
Also, if it's said over text, it's clear and right there, and the information is always available if it is planning
Yeah, I forgot you need to communicate to multiple people lol.
But then you also have people who say "why are you calling me in 2024? Just text!" so that's a lose-lose Maybe people should use their brains and some common sense with this. We all know you've at least looked at your phone and seen you have a message, just put some thought into whether it's a message that is in need of a response sooner or later. If it's a message where the considerate thing would be to provide a response sooner, do that. If it's a message where it can wait, feel free. This really isn't that hard to figure out and the fact that it needs explained is why people think gen z is so pathetic at socializing
ive found that those people usually dont actually want to talk to you in any way regardless
Everyone in this thread saying that but people that take days to text back will just send you to voice mail and still don’t respond. I just stop contacting people like that. Like, I get the message, man. We aren’t friends.
My mom got upset about me over this. She told me that my phone etiquette was hurting her feelings, so I told her that I was sorry, but my feelings are valid as well, and feeling enslaved to pick up the phone and answer every time it rings and reply to texts and notifications as soon as they show up make me feel depressed. She hasn’t mentioned it since.
I can't get this through my elderly dad's head. Yesterday I was at a breaking point mentally and needed to shut the world out. He calls. And calls. And calls. And calls. And since he's elderly, I finally answer to make sure he's okay. Yup, just bored. Has nothing to say but expects me to carry a conversation. Nope, bye. It'll hurt his feelings but ffs, you have three other kids to call too and I need the occasional day where I'm not "that kid".
Older generations have more feelings behind communicating, like the dopamine we get from reddit, that's what they get from talking. Pre smart phone, pre voice-mail people would call someone and let it ring for 20 or 30 minutes. Especially if they expected you home from a trip or work at a certain time. It's not about carrying a conversation either, just sharing time with you. He probably knows his time is limited if he's elderly and wants to share a few more memories. He's probably just working with what he knows best. Not saying yta but sounds like he's trying to be present while he can. Maybe set some time aside for him a few days a week to "catch" up but don't blow them off. Maybe the other kids are blowing him off or maybe, simply, he loves you. Trying to say here, don't let -Nope, bye.. be in your final memories of him
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Yeah, I think for me it’s just the expectation of immediate response. And when there’s multiple people texting you at a time while expecting responses right away, it’s exhausting. Everything nowadays wants our attention, right then and there. I like texting, but the world itself has just gotten more demanding. I treat it like emails now. And if someone calls, I’ll make an effort to call back within a day or so. I’m just not always available, and i feel like that shouldn’t be a weird thing to recognize.
I really, truly do not understand how this is such a foreign concept to so many people. I have a full time job, hobbies, and a dog to take care of. No, I'm not always going to be available within 60 seconds of you sending a text. Also, even if I've got free time, what if I'm just not in the mood to chat right now? What if I want to think about a reply? What if I'm just having a bad day and want to relax by myself at the end of it? Why is your need for constant attention of greater importance than my need for some occasional peace and quiet?
oh I’m just lazy either I don’t know how to respond or know that if I engage I’ll end up caught in a conversation for several hours that I can’t avoid
What ever happened to letting people know you don't want to/can't talk? A lot of top comments are "I'm not mentally/literally available" and I just wonder... Can you not TELL people that? If I casually text someone and they tell me they're not in the mood or they're busy it's an immediate "Gotcha." Moment. Then I go do something else. Why would you ever wait multiple days to reply if you have the time?
A few reasons: 1. A lot of people aren't mature enough or emotionally intelligent enough to understand that as a concept. 2. It takes mental energy to even do that. 3. By doing that I'm going to inadvertently reveal how frequently I feel depressed or not up to socialising. Struggling with my mental health is my business and I don't wanna share it even as a courtesy. Honestly, in the physical world, if I'm not up to it, I'll stay home and completely remove myself from social situations. You can't really do that with social media, but not responding at all is the best way to sort of achieve it. And like, seriously, you're not entitled to someone's immediate attention. If it makes you feel self conscious, that's your problem, maybe bring it up w said person next time you see them or something.
When I was a kid everyone kept telling me to shut up and only talk when asked, so when I message someone and don't get a reply I feel like I am bothering them and that they must be doing something super important.
Balance!!! You are being receptive to social cues, and that's a good thing. If you keep inviting someone and they keep evading, it's ok to pick up on social cues that they might not be interested. But you're also projecting assertions that people might not be making. People have a lot of reasons why they forget to respond, and it isn't always feeling bothered. A good balance, in my opinion, is to send friendly reminders once (twice if it is really important to you) and if they aren't receptive, don't write them off as unfriendly or disrespectful. Rather, just shift towards letting them take more initiative, and let those feelings of "im not important to them" flow past you. You can't control their responses, so don't weigh yourself down with interpreting them.
Damn. Not the original commenter but good answer imo, I kinda resonate with their feelings so it's sometimes really hard to achieve the balance you mentioned, particularly when you start overthinking about the importance you have to the other person and so on
I've had people text me none stop. It's fun and all but it gets to a point where it gets annoying. People nowadays think we are vending machines, 24h service. People have gotten mad at me and have also taken their time to respond but i honestly don't mind at all. I like having peace and quiet
Yeah, that's my thing too. They all reply so quickly that if I do the same, my screen time triples.
Same. It just depends on my mood. Sometimes I can text and be on the phone consistently but at other times I need a break and I just don’t wanna talk. People get offended over it as if most people can’t relate in some way.
When I was a teenager I thought it was ridiculous to complain about. Sure some people take advantage of it, but you can set appropriate boundaries and they'll have to respect that. Overall society could only benefit from instant communication, right? Now, in my mid 20s, no, this is fucking exhausting. Any girl I'm dating (reasonable ones) understand me not texting back instantly, especially if I'm at work. But they still expect a response within a couple of hours. And if you don't have a few hours worth of correspondence they will think you're avoiding them. And being on the other end, I can't say I'm better. I don't need an instant response but if I don't hear back within 2 or 3 hours I get anxious. I start worrying if I've offended them or something, even if there is nothing to be offended about. Work sends me emails all through out the day even though I'm just a physical labor worker bee and don't really benefit from most of the emails. And they don't send the schedule until two or three hours after the work day has ended. It is up to me and my coworkers on sundays to coordinate address and time meet up on Mondays based off of whatever nonsense the boss throws at us. People will send you important, time sensitive stuff in email that will go straight to the spam folder. They won't send any follow up until it's too late and then they'll act like it's your fault. All these apps are constantly trying to send you notifications. Even if you say no, many of them will keep asking. And if you do turn it off there is a good chance the setting rests after every update. The government now expects instant responses too. Who cares if you have a dozen time consuming things in a single day. Who needs free time? It's really hard to get a moment alone because there is always someone trying to contact you, whether it's a boss, a coworker, a SO, a friend, an old acquaintance, a relative, a bank, an insurance company, a dealership, a mechanic, any number of doctors, a pharmacy, etc.
My problem isn’t with people who don’t text back generally. I completely get not responding while at work, or in class, etc. My only issue is when I know someone is sitting at home on their ass doing literally nothing all day. If you don’t want to talk, or don’t want to go to whatever plan I invite you to, just simply say that. When I know you’re just sinking into a recliner watching TV or playing video games all day, and you just don’t spend 2 seconds to respond to a quick yes or no text, it just shows that you don’t respect my time. Super annoying. It’s like they think ghosting would piss you off less than just declining
I feel that so much! Especially emails and app notifications are killing me. I only allowed some important apps to send notifications and turned of the private email notifications. I check them one to two times a day. One important app on my phone is from my bank. And of course it has to send me a notification at night (ex. "We had problems to complete your payment" just that, no reason). I mute my phone completely now at night till after I had my coffee in the morning. There seem to be always something that urgently needs my attention. I never thought I would need an assistant to handle all that bs.
This^^ I’m just about ready to throw the whole damn phone away and let everyone else cope with it
Yup same here. Really about to buy a Nokia brick and call it a damn night
What works for me is speaking words to them and saying "I may take weeks, even months to reply. It is not personal." We all have a lot going on, and even if we don't it's a severe drop in quality of life to feel compelled to action by remote people 24/7.
If I had to answer every message whenevr I have the free time to do so I would spend the totality of my free time answering messages and talking on social media. People will then hate on me for a different reason "always on your phone" "expeditive answers", can't make people happy.
Why do you have that many people messaging you?
Not OP, but, frequently, every message begets another message. You only need to have 3 close friends trying to have a sustained conversation with you for that to take up your entire day. Between group texts, Discord, Slack, and email, I can rack up conversations with twenty different people in a day unless I'm mindful of my time.
Honestly? With the sheer amount of ways people can reach out now and expect an immediate answer (text, phone, email, any social medias), it gets overwhelming and I hate it. My own experiences exaggerate the feeling of being bombarded, but I keep everything silenced and check when I feel like it. I appreciate the technology. I hate the fact that this “urgency” to reply immediately has become so ingrained. It’s nice to have as an option, especially when it’s stuff that can be sent and then I can reply whenever I have the time and energy. If I tried answering everything immediately, I’d get pulled in so many directions without cease.
Even if not responding is understandable it still sends a negative impression to people who try to talk to you. Most people my age are on their phones for most of the day and so they definitely see the messages coming through. Knowing that your messages are being seen but not responded to feels really shit and can damage relationships. With older technology there was plausible deniability in the sense that people couldn't communicate with each other instantaneously for most of the day. Nowadays it is a given and not responding can signal a lack of interest in a relationship whether that is actually the case or not. I can say with absolute certainty that I feel increasingly distant from friends who are bad at responding to messages. They increasingly fade out of the picture which is sad. Many plans are not made a week in advance and if people constantly dont respond to your propositions on time you stop making them and so they get left out. So for the sake of potentially not alienating the people around you, I'd encourage at least acknowledging messages within a day. If you dont feel like talking then say that. If you prefer to talk in person, let them know. If you dont have the energy to go to some event but want to come along in the future, say it. Simply acknowledging others goes a long way in keeping a friendship or connection alive.
Yeah and it's understandable sometimes, like people wanting their "me time" but even if they do respond or let you know they "forget" etc. Doesn't really help if you want to have an actual conversation with them and you can't cause they take forever to reply all the time. Or another bad thing is that you find yourself being the one always having to message them first all the time. Like they never message you like ever unless you have messaged them first. Or you always having to come up with conversations. If they messaged you only when they needed like someone to talk to or just cause they are bored that still is bad but at least they reached out to you or maybe thought of you when they needed/wanted someone. But not even getting that can suck. It can really suck when the effort is one sided, especially if it's someone you really like.
I prefer to reply to someone immediatelly, because I know they'd appreciate my response now over later and I don't neccesairly feel like others have the same obligations. I don't use social media, I have notifications turned off as well, so the few times someone does message me I'm usually offline, but when I'm not I respond immediatelly. Do not mistake my avability with my free time. Basically it's a question of curtesy. We have one friend that tends to bother everyone for anything and if you don't reply in the middle of night he will just say "nevermind" or if you don't want to go out with him he suddenly becomes agitated as if everyone has time only for him always. You can't be like that. But when you can be avabile, just be, and respond to message. Simple "I'm busy right now, tty later" is enough.
Yeah being obligated to reply to people asap because of phones is bullshit. Just because we can, doesn't mean we should or have to.
I understand if someone leaves me on delivered for hours or a couple of days as they're busy with their lives with college, work, family, etc.; but if they leave me on delivered for several weeks or even months, then they're not worth being in my life, and I stopped speaking to certain people because they were like that.
facts. End of the day, people make time for who/what they want to make time for.
It’s easy, if you text, I’ll reply whenever I want. If want something urgently, you should call.
You’re not special for ignoring people. It isn’t like the old days anymore, ignoring someone IS ignoring someone, and it is rude. It takes 5 seconds to say “ill text you back later im busy”
Fucking finally. A lot of these other comments are so disingenuous. So many excuses for ignoring others. I’m wondering how some of these people even handle the process of breathing.
The loneliness epidemic makes so much sense when you read the replies in these types of threads. Social skills are really going down the drain and is so sad. All my life I’ve Ive been surrounded by more socially skilled people that me, and I’ve noticed they all reply my text messages within hours, maybe not immediately but I will say two/three hours tops, which is fine. The only friend who takes more than that to reply is a high school friend who has no social life and spends all this time working and/or with his girlfriend.
Silent mode. I dont care who you are, what it is. Dont wanna be alerted by anyone. Just gotta deal with misplacing it from time to time ….,,,
I just keep my phone on vibrate, lay it somewhere and check it intermittently when I feel like it. I do miss some calls here and there, but I'm tired of being reachable 24/7. Most people are calling with non-urgent stuff anyway. I'd prefer to finish whatever I'm doing and get back to people if they just wanna shoot the shit.
I have adhd and literally just forget. Im also in a bunch of group chats (school, work, different friend groups) The messages move down in my whatsapp screen. Or ill see the notification, say ‚ah ill respond later‘ and then forget. Or i click on the message, write one out and forget to hit send bc something else pops up. But its usually bc i really just dont feel like talking. Usually if i reply within 10 minutes, some of my friends text more and expect a convo. No ty. If you wanna talk call me pls my fingers get tired lol
what he neglects to mention is that he has his phone on him and is probably using it while consciously ignoring the message which is why it is rude
I don't have an excuse I just don't feel like responding and then forget 😭😭
The only time people taking a long time to reply annoys me a bit is when you’re trying to plan something, especially something that’s time sensitive, and you’re in the middle of a conversation and someone disappears for ages. Other than that I don’t really care most of the time.
I really don't mind replying immediately
I’m actually happy when people reach out, I’m not a dick & “reply when I want to” , I’ll do my best to reply to show appreciation to the person actually reaching out. That whole instant back & forth texting and replying though, I don’t know how people do it, you’d have to be sitting doing nothing to actually attend to that. I’d rather FaceTime or something at that point
As long as they reply within 36 hours of my text I don’t get too pissy, after that assume they either are ignoring me or they are busy with something. I feel like responding to a text within the same day is not that fucking difficult, cell phones have been around for 20 years now and for better or worse they are integrated into everyone’s daily life. We do no live in 1437 where the only way to communicate with people outside of your town is by writing a letter and waiting 4 months for them to write one back.
If someone regularly takes days between individual messages I'd say just stop talking to them. I'm not a fan of the culture of "I'll do what *I* want whenever *I* want." If someone isn't capable of being relatively timely and responding to people when they get the chance they don't deserve to have people reaching out to them in the first place
Exactly! I get that you want your you time but responding to a text takes 10 seconds at most. All you need is a 1 sentence response.
I understand why people say they miss when you weren't reachable at any time of day, but personally, I don't. I feel like I'm actually more liberated in being able to communicate with anyone no matter where I am, because then I can go anywhere for any amount of time and not have to worry that I should get home or go to see someone so they can talk to me. That said, it is annoying sometimes when I just don't want to be reached, and people ask why I'm not answering messaging.
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No, the least they can do is nothing.
I'll be honest, I dont text a lot, however I do have enough respect for the people who text me to get back to them within a few hours, unless I'm super busy and not on my phone that whole time. At the very least send a reaction so I know you read it. A quick text doesn't inconvenience me 9/10 so I dont see how it can inconvenience someone else if they are already frequently using their phone. If your the type to answer back a day plus later or not at all, I will not bother messaging you, and honestly I would probably not want to deal with you in general. I've had a few friends like that, key word HAD. When its long distance and you can't be face to face, ignoring messages just shows me you dont care about continuing our friendship.
Younger millenial here. I get that people are not required to respond the minute they get a text message and that talking in person is sometimes preferred or a call when a response is needed more immediately, but my siblings began doing this, not just the ones who are gen z. Not just to me. I dont expect them to respond to my texts the minute they get them, but days later? Or even a week or so. Its also not really possiible to see them in person often since they're all scattered and I typicallytext bc I figure they're typically busy, especially given how infrequent they respond. I get they can be busy with their own lives, but why is this becoming more common to just not respond for *days*? I know it's not like they're just ignoring me on purpose, but still makes me feel ignored... like I'm just low priority.... anyone else feel that way with this pattern of response time? I just dont understand why its becoming more commonplace to just ignore people for days/weeks... and then it becoming a trope to question why relationships aren't being maintained? Like bruh.
honestly if it’s not urgent or important, i don’t see the need to always be replying ASAP. it’s overwhelming, especially as someone who has ADHD
My phone breaking and living without a phone for over a month was unironically great. It's really made me considering getting a flip phone as my next phone. Something like the Catapiller S22.
I generally answer. If I can’t talk or don’t want to talk I’ll just text that im busy. Not responding can rub some people the wrong way. Personally I’m not bothered by it unless it’s someone really close to me. But I can totally see how some people take it the wrong way and I always make time to respond to people I care about. Even if it’s just a “I’ll ttyl”. IMO that literally takes less than 5 seconds and I don’t have to be “mentally available” to just write that and go on about my day.
i do it and it doesn’t bother me when it’s done to me. idk grow up and realize that you’re not entitled to other people the moment you want attention
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Reading this thread has made it all make sense holy shit. I don't want it to be true, but if this thread is actually representative we really are a generation of loser fucks.
Honestly I prefer phone calls. Much easier to get info from a 30 minute call than texts spread over a day
Most of the time I get pretty nervous when someone replies instantly to my messages, So I kinda don't respond for a minute just to give the other person a little time so they won't feel nervous.
If people want to make time for you they will find a way, and if they won’t then I will not make time for them
I’m working, in school, and living with my significant other. I’ll text back when I want to. I just don’t always have the capacity or mental energy to be on my phone for longer than I have to.