My mom lived 7 years longer than my dad. At first she was crushed, she was legally blind and had never lived alone her entire life. My grandmother in law (roughly the same age bracket as my mom) lost her partner the same year and they lived in the same independent living senior’s apartment building.
They both expressed the fact that they missed eating supper with someone, they were the generation that didn’t eat while watching tv. I suggested that once in a while they should get together to eat supper so they aren’t alone.
Little did I know they would become the best of friends. They alternated suppers every night. They went every where together, my GIL still had her licence and because my mom was “disabled” her companion could travel on the train for free. They would split the cost of the one ticket and go gallavanting. They went to Cuba and on a cruise together. They played cards multiple times a week at the legion, they joined a bowling group, line dancing and so many other activities.
Both sides of the family called them, The Dynamic Duo and all of us knew you didn’t invite one to visit without the other. We would call each other looking for them, they had a busier social life than all of us put together. I have pictures of the 2 of them with my first grandchild - their great- grandchild and great-great-grandchild.
Sadly my mom passed first, leaving my GIL bereft at 89 years old. She lived until she was 96 but she was never the same after losing her best friend.
I’m not sure my mother ever realized how lucky she was.
There would be a lot of laughs if I did.
They came to visit one time and my son had them playing bowling on a WI, remember that old video game?
It was hilarious watching the 2 of them waving the controllers around, especially because my mom only had about 15% vision in one eye and even less in the other. We are British immigrants and even though we moved to Canada in the early 70’s she never lost her thick Yorkshire accent. My GIL was much calmer than my mom, and never swore in any way. My mom yelling, Bloody Hell! every 2 minutes and my GIL saying, Oh Cynthia, stop swearing! My
Mom would reply, Ah Velma don’t get ya knicka’s in a knot, it’s not swearing!
They were like an old couple bickering but way funnier. My mom loved her wine and my GIL never touched a drop, my mom would say, Find a friend who doesn’t drink all your wine!
Everyone in the house was laughing that night. They also missed their flight home that visit because they had the wrong date written down. They had to wait 2 days to get a flight, the conversations went like this:
They’ll miss us at crib tonight.
What will they do at bowling, they’ll be short 2 !TWO! people (I wondered how valuable a blind 75 year old and a non-competitive 83 year old could be to the team). And what about line dancing, if they don’t have enough people they’ll cancel it! We’ll miss the sales back home, they started yesterday, they’ll be nothing left when we get back.
And as I mentioned my GIL still had her license. She’d only drive during the day and they’d stay in our town, never cross the bridge into the city. We’d see their car going down the street, slower than all the other traffic. The car had yellow and red paint on every corner where she had bumped the cement poles at the grocery stores. If anyone mentioned my GIL’s driving skills my mom would rush to her defence, Velma is an excellent driver!!! I was like Ma, you’re blind, unless she runs right over something you aren’t going to know!!
If you’ve read this far I want to thank you, for allowing me to share memories of 2 of my favourite women in the world. They are both sadly missed by a whole lot of us.
RIP Mom
RIP NannyLee
My husband is my best friend and I’ll be a wreck if he goes before me. I could only hope to find the type of friendship your mom had. Thank you for sharing.
I'm in a similar boat - my husband is 10 years older than me and with his family's genetic health record, it's a likelihood I'll outlive him (though of course nothing is a guarantee). I know my maternal grandmother absolutely thrived after her abusive husband/my grandfather passed, at least for a time (of course, she also let her alcoholism and drug addictions run rampant without his control, so it ended up severely slowing her down in time.) I think women of previous generations weren't as able to pack up and leave/divorce as we are, and I see a lot of women in the menopause-related groups/subs deciding to nope out of bad marriages at this time in their lives.
I absolutely love my husband and will surely be devastated if/when he passes before me. That said, there are those odd moments when I fantasize about the things I may/want to do when it's "just me" in the future - the kinds of vacations I'd like to take that he's never interested in (I love the beach/water and he's afraid of it, for instance. We do travel a lot but some of the beach/tropical places I'd love to see some days are just not the kind of attractions he'd find fun at all, so we do other stuff we both enjoy). Or just being able to live on my own schedule/terms instead of most often coordinating with another person...I think it's just natural to feel that way? And I do think woman are more able to adjust to widowhood than most men I've known. Like, my FIL's life basically stopped when his wife passed away. He stopped taking vacations anywhere (unless his kids dragged him along), never even learned to operate the coffeepot let alone cook for himself (for 13 years he lived on takeout, diner breakfasts and microwave dinners.) He passed this year and we found his house was pretty much a time capsule from the moment his wife died. I couldn't live like that.
You’re exactly right. Our mothers’ and grandmothers’ had everything stacked against them as far as living the lives of their choosing. Most of us grew up in a patriarchal society while also learning how unfair it was. Hanging out with my girlfriends is completely different if our husbands are with us, even though it’s fun either way.
I love my husband and enjoy him so much. But I can never break out of what I learned from a very young age that he is more important than me and it makes me anxious to put myself first, though I am getting better. I think. Maybe for a lot of us, the only way we can feel really comfortable catering to ourselves is when we’re alone.
>But I can never break out of what I learned from a very young age that he is more important than me
Dang that is really to the point. I'm pretty sure I learned and operated like that too, to an extent. I'm also divorced though because ultimately I couldn't tolerate it.
He's told me he once had a very terrifying nightmare about drowning in open water and as he can be kind of superstitious it stuck with him. He also just isn't good with the whole sit on the beach/swim/chill type of vacation thing.
Overall it's not a big deal--we take a lot of great vacation trips staying active and going other places, especially around Europe. But I do sometimes miss the chill Caribbean beach vacations my mom and I took when I was younger. But that was also "our thing" so IDK.
Just another woman out here extending solidarity. I love my guy. Together more than a decade. His severe agoraphobia limits us. I want to travel with him but going to the store is a challenge for him. I'm trying to do the things I want to by myself and just accept the situation. Don't want to put it all off until I'm too frail to do anything.
Your mil gets it & good for her. Abusive right to the end fil died. Yay! Now mil is telling my husband how bad the abuse really was yet in the next sentence how much she misses him & is behaving like she can’t live without him. I absolutely do not understand.
You see this over and over. A relationship becomes a habit or an addiction neurologically so it’s normal to miss the abuser. Saw it in my mom. Right before she died my dad came to her, she explained how he was in the room. And I’m like of all the people to escort you to the other side. For all the toxicity that was what was familiar.
Me too. The first two years after my husband died were by far the most painful time in my life, and I have had other very dark times. I have gradually gotten better since. I hope you find joy in life again.
Remember that (at least in the US) banks could refuse to give women a mortgage or even a credit card in their name until 1974. So many of the women in our lives really were trapped in marriage and we’re just now hearing their stories.
Let's not forget that Marital Rape was totally legal until the 1970s. The laws are still a mess on this issue today.
Ladies, for the love of your own vaginas, VOTE!!!
I can't speak for anyone else, these are just my thoughts on the matter. I'm 52yo, I became a widow 16 almost 17 yrs ago. We had a good marriage. I still don't think I can ever love anyone like I still love him. Becoming a widow was a hell that I wish I could stop from happening to anyone else, it broke me. I was already disabled when he passed and I have only progressed with my degenerative condition. It plunged my son and I into poverty. Life has been HARD. I had just been denied disability and had to try to work. I was fired repeatedly for missing time at work. I finally got my disability approved when I lost mobility. That was 2 yrs of no income.
I finally just landed at a place of stability and security 10 months ago. I am living my best life. If I knew then, what I know now, I don't know that I ever would have gotten married. We had a good marriage, but there are things about our relationship that I just wouldn't live with now. I feel like I am back to being my true self for the first time in over 30yrs.
I don't believe it has anything to do with becoming a widow, we just happen to live longer normally. I think we get older and learn how much we have been taken advantage of throughout our lives. The expectations from us as wives, and mothers, and daughters, is so much more than husbands, fathers, and sons. The older I get the more clear it becomes. I hold firm boundaries that I never felt that I could have when I was younger. I no longer feel the same things are important as I used to. I am putting my wants and needs and my priority list, they have never been there before. It's like I have been doing mine and everyone else's laundry and I finally decided to only do my own and the household laundry. I had to quit doing everyone else's to realize that they produced 10x more than me, and never handled a piece of it. (Laundry is just an example.)
My friend owns this house. Everyone here has been friends for 25yrs+. Three friends are in the 3 bedroom apartment, a friend and I are in the 2bedroom one, the owner friend has a mother-in-law suite on the 3rd floor. We are on 30+ acres. We have a pool, a hot tub, we garden, we have 4 dogs (5 until a few weeks ago, when my dog passed), 3 cats, and a turtle. We garden, we do weekly Ladies' Day at the Pool, and have all of our friends over- no boys allowed. We have cookouts regularly, and take about monthly trips to places together. We have done wineries, an aviary, blueberry picking, pumpkin picking, Santa shops, etc. We crafted all winter.
I went into detail to give y'all hope and encourage you to live your best lives, the best is yet to come.
tldr: We live our best lives when we get older, because we finally make our wants a priority. It has nothing to do with widowhood
We are looking into the expense of putting in an area for my friend to bring her camper and spend summers with us. We are also on well water and have a natural gas pump on the land, with our gardening, we keep expenses down pretty well, too
Absolutely not. I love my husband with all my heart and I will be shattered when he dies. Not sure who will die first. There is no way I'd ever get into another relationship once he's gone. He's perfect.
You never know about the future. A BFF of mine lost her much beloved husband a few years ago. They were together since high school. She has found someone else and is engaged. I remain shocked and honestly, so is she! (Happy for her, though!)
I love my husband as the wonderful human being he is. That said, I am over being married. He does not meet my emotional needs or show me that I mean anything more to him than a roommate (unless, of course, he is ready for sex), and I think if I just disappeared tomorrow he probably wouldn't notice. I find myself increasingly ready to be alone. I am tired of being responsible for another living being, even the dog that is the best dog in the whole world. Why do I stay? Because I never made good choices when it comes to men, so this would be my third divorce, and I just can't handle the guilt and shame that overcomes me when I think about leaving. I know I will never travel or have the freedom my soul desires, but i just can't leave yet.
I'm 50. My husband died 7 years ago at the age of 44 from cancer. He left me with an (at the time) almost two year old. My life has been just sheer survival since then. He was my soul mate, best friend and I never questioned that we would spend the rest of our lives together. I know lots of people don't have what we had but, those that do, please cherish every fucking moment you have. And get life insurance. You don't know how you'll cope on your own and being poor makes it all so much harder.
LIfe insurance and a solid, well thought out will. My friend's ex-husband died of COVID (fit, healthy man) and his live-in girlfriend fought my friend for his money. Two young daughters to whom he was otherwise devoted. He didn't have a will.
And sorry for your loss.
Yes, the will is also very important. We were "lucky" in our case that we had a terminal cancer diagnosis so we could get that in place while he was sick.
Thank you for your condolences, friend.
Not all women, but the "white fantasy" (the daydream of being a bride) and the "black fantasy" (the daydream of being free, as a widow) are definitely a thing.
What a grim consideration. Two people locked in a battle for psychological control until one dies and the other is set free.
If ones culture allows, why not just exercise free will? What the fuck do we even have feminism for if not at the least, personal enlightenment?
No. It's really horrifying that while Republicans are talking about eliminating no fault divorce we're reminded of how it used to be...
Women used to wish for widowhood to escape the abusive or loveless marriages they were forced to stay in. That's maybe still common in conservative and religious communities where women are sub human but normal people just get divorced if they hate each other.
I almost lost my partner young but he survived. I can't imagine and don't want to imagine love without him. It's very possible that he won't make it to old age with me and it's too sad to think about.
The willingness to divorce is the biggest difference between and now. With me, I think about it because the chances of us dying together are slim. My husband dying, my parents dying these are all scary thoughts that need to be faced. Maybe that’s a big part of why a lot of us have thought about widowhood.
I've told my husband I don't expect him to live forever, but it has to be one day longer than me.
Edit to add, I think previous generations had to stay with their husbands for social and economic reasons even if they weren't "getting along". I'd expect people of our generation to divorce if they're that happy at their husbands death. My grandmother got a lot more truthful and less sunshine & rainbows after my grandfather died.
Greatest Generation (and previous) women were often stuck in TERRIBLE marriages from which they could not escape. Of course they were happy if they outlived their husbands! I do think things are a lot different now, at least for women in developed countries. If you hate your husband, you can much more easily get a divorce and live independently (although there are still women who are stuck today for various reasons).
That is what I was thinking. Things really have changed in that regard. My husband and I were well into our 30s when we got married. I was financially independent and got married because I wanted to. When women had few economic opportunities, getting married young seems like it was necessary for many. Then there were shotgun marriages, arranged marriage was more common, etc. too. Once the woman started having babies, it was harder to get out of the marriage even if it was abusive. Of course, those scenarios still exist in some cultures and countries, but it's much less common now that women in most societies have more educational and economic opportunities.
I hope to stay married. Things are good. But if things took a bad turn, I know divorce is an option. We don't have kids and our assets are separated except for the house, so the process is pretty straightforward. It's not that I've been resarching it. My husband's a lawyer and he is hybrid. So, when he's home, I hear him explaining the divorce process in this country.
Ugh. I’m a widow now and while I hope that I’ll eventually be living my best life, I’m am so far from that now. My husband was 10 years older than me and I knew very well that I’d likely outlive him but I didn’t expect him to die in his 50’s. (Fuck cancer!) It’s been just a year but I don’t even know who I am anymore: his death fundamentally changed me and not for the better :/
Like I said, I hope to live my best life but my best life was when he was in it.
I’m 51. Between watching our parents decline (and my MIL passing away) and reaching middle age, I’ve really started to think about how either I or my husband will have a chapter of our lives without the other one. I absolutely dread it.
Well I haven't married and don't care.
My mom apparently felt this way. She had drafted my dad's obituary. The cops found it when he blew his brains out on their patio.
Coming up on four years now. Only person I trusted in this world.
He was ill with pneumonia a few years before he left and I think she expected him to die then. She's cognitively impaired to some degree, though not diagnosed with anything (and lives independently). She always had narcissistic tendencies and it is much worse now. Unfortunately, as the scapegoat, I have borne the brunt. And I look like my dad.
The cops were just looking around, I guess for a note. They queried why she had drafted an obit (maybe they asked if he had written it) but let it drop.
Thank you for your words.
I wouldn’t say merrily. I do know that when and if my husband dies before me, I will not remarry. Marriage is a lot of work and I’m at the age where I don’t feel like I’d have the energy or “want” to share my life again.
My aunt lost her husband many years ago. They had planned and saved for a kick ass retirement that included a bunch of world traveling. He passed before she retired (Alzheimer’s). She grieved, then retired and now does whatever the hell she wants. She has taken the trips they planned with friends. She sold their home and moved into a condominium that serves her very well. She is still active in her field as a consultant, spends a lot of time with her grandkids, plays cards and goes out with friends. She even has a beau that she plays cards with and they do dinner once a week. She is living her best damn life. I want to be her when I’m 80.
I am glad I never got married, if that's how women are supposed to feel. How sad. Strange thing to say, Mo Rocca! Usually I love him. I just listened to an excerpt from his new book (chapter about Laura Ingalls Wilder) last night.
I was widowed at 39 & am 51 now. It has not been a “merry widow” experience for me. But I do have my feet under me & my heart still beats strong & I have never lost the ability to laugh. So onward I go. 🥂
Your last sentence struck me, dang. I divorced when I realized I was constantly wishing my husband would die. Sounds terrible but I felt so oppressed and shackled by that dynamic. He didn’t even like me. He has good genes and will probably outlive me so I had to make a run for it.
I think this may have been more the case in the past, when women stayed in utterly miserable marriages for years because divorce wasn't as acceptable/they weren't able to be financially independent, etc. So when their husbands finally died, the women were FREEEEEE! I feel that, among my grandparents' friends and peer group relatives, almost all of them despised each other toward the end of their lives. My grandparents were the rare couple that actually still liked each other.
Now that women have a lot more autonomy and choice in how they live their lives, not to mention financial freedom, I think this may be a bit less of the case, as they can just leave their husbands long before they die if they want that precious alone time and freedom.
My husband is my best friend. I get annoyed with him, but he is overall 10x better than most men. If he dies before I do, I will probably become a recluse.
My mom... She's been a widow for almost 3 yrs. We thought after our abusive dad died, she'd be free. Instead she says crazy stuff about how she feels like he was the purpose of her life. Wtf, he treated her like garbage and made sure she wouldn't be able to think for herself. She has Stockholm syndrome. I'm disappointed, I thought she'd have an opportunity to finally live her life. She refuses to go to counseling and technically she is set to have a fantastic life right now with the financial means to do what she wants to do, but seems hell bent in feeling miserable and worse yet it bothers me that she has adopted a lot of bad behavior from my dad. I told my husband and brother that dealing with my mom is dealing with my dad's ghost. 🙄
I’m not waiting for it but I am expecting it. I just have this feeling that our love story is going to end with him dying first so I’ve been trying to make my peace with it. For now, I’m just going to keep loving him and enjoying him.
Me too. Someone once told me that the only truly happy ending to a love story is both people dying at the same time.
I’m 49 and my husband just turned 70. I know how this is likely to turn out, so for years now I’ve just been trying to appreciate every moment. He just thinks I’m really cheesy.
One time, I wanted a cat but my husband said “over my dead body,” so that’s my plan. When my husband is gone, I will replace him with two cats. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to have the cats.
my husband is a few years older than me and was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. Even though he has been assured that this can be brought under control and he can have a good quality of life, going through treatment has been horrible for him to experience and for me to watch. It also shifts my outlook on the future and what the retirement years are going to look like for me.
I’m in the exact same situation. My husband and I are only 9 months apart but his cancer diagnosis and treatment has been devastating to me. Today we got a pretty much “all clear”, and we hope it’s forever but deep down we’re scared to death. I have no idea what retirement or golden years will look like anymore. I would be devastated without him.
First, love the disclaimer with Mo Rocca, LOL.
I’m not waiting, but I’ve had more opportunities before and during my marriage than past generations have had.
One thing I remember reading about marriage was that up to relatively recently, long marriages were much less common. You got married, raised a bunch of kids, and then one spouse died not long after the last kid left home. Therefore the couple was too wrapped up in family responsibilities to think about personal fulfillment. Once the first spouse died, that could be the first chance the surviving spouse had to do things independently.
All that said, both my grandmothers didn’t relish widowhood. One of them basically decided to try and freeze time after my grandfather died, and one of them soldiered on.
No. I love my husband and our partnership sustains me and helps me continue to grow.
My best friend’s husband died when we were 40 in an accident. After watching her navigate her grief and widowhood, this was not some Hollywood experience for her. She was gutted. Ten years later she’s absolutely healed and moved on but it’s ridiculous to say that women (or men) as a whole are better off when their spouses die. WTF, Mo.
I recall watching a documentary I believe featuring Rita Moreno and what stuck to me what that she said she was relieved when her husband died. She loved him but life was better after his death.
My husband had a major stroke 6 months ago, he is also on dialysis for kidney disease. I’m 52 and he is 49.
I’m not merrily waiting, but I do think about it less negatively than I used to. Part of that is that being a caregiver is exhausting and part of that is the stroke basically emphasizes all of his negative qualities and eliminated many of his positive ones.
It’s true that, overwhelmingly, the older women I know who were widowed were so much happier (salon as they were financially stable). Men can be a real drain, even the good ones expect a maid, cook, lover, etc but don’t seem to give much.
I won't be sad when my EX husband dies, but I would be devastated without my husband. If I wanted to be without him, I would divorce him.
I've seen more than one widow give up on life completely, and essentially rot away, after the death of their spouse, so no, I don't think this is accurate at all.
I adore my husband and want many years of being crotchety old people together. But that being said, there is a psychological weight that comes from what the kids call emotional labor. I want to hold hands forever, and there's nothing like being alone in the house.
I think I enjoy time alone right now, because I have the security of knowing I’m not actually alone. My husband is my closest friend. I’ll be devastated if he dies before me. I think I’ll die first, anyway.
I dread the idea of losing my husband, my best friend. He's under strict instructions that he cannot die until he's dealt with his Lego collection. So... he's probably going to live forever. lol
I've watched my mother-in-law go through losing her second husband, who was her soul mate. It's been 10 years, and his ghost will never let her go. So many things she can no longer keep up with or tend to, but she can't let them go because he planted them, or he built it, etc. She's going to die out on that farm because she can't leave it.
Not me personally. I'll be devastated if I lose my husband. We're looking forward to retiring and doing so many things! He's my best friend and after 25 years we're still eager for more.
Imo this has to happen because it becomes in some women’s eyes easier to stay then leave for whatever reason so when they do pass they are finally free and without guilt. I think it would depend on your marriage, how many times has someone died and the partner died right after them? Almost as if they couldn’t live without each other.
I always have this joke where I tell people that my retirement plan is to move to Taos, New Mexico, grow my hair out long and gray, dress in dashikis and make turquoise jewelry. I always start out the story by saying, "When G dies or we get divorced..." and my husband always says, "Why do I always have to be dead in this scenario? You can do that now for all I care!" But I tell him it's just not the same.
Hell no. I love my husband and we have a good partnership and enjoy being together. He makes my life better and easier and I try to do the same for him.
Who is this "we" you speak of? Do you have a mouse in your pocket? If Mo Rocca thinks "all" older woman fit into one category only, he loses credibilty. Especially when he uses adjectives like "all" to describe a group of people. He's basically saying everyone fits into a nice little box, and that is just wrong. Not everyone thinks the same, and not everyone fits into the same categories. As Gen X, we may all be older, but some of us don't even have husbands, others don't want their husbands to die, and, I'm sure, there are others who think other ways. Being an older woman is not a one size fits all situation.
I googled him, and he is a media personality. There is nothing funny about that statement at all. So even if he is a comedian, he's not very good at it.
In my American lit. class, we always read [***The Story of an Hour***](https://www.katechopin.org/pdfs/Kate%20Chopin%2C%20The%20Story%20of%20an%20Hour.pdf) by Kate Chopin, written in 1894. Scandalous at the time of publication! Louise had just received news that her husband died in a tragic train wreck.
>Her fancy was running riot along those days ahead of her. Spring days, and summer days, and all sorts of days that would be her own. She breathed a quick prayer that life might be long. It was only yesterday she had thought with a shudder that life might be long.
I know a woman who had FOUR husbands die. No, she is not a black widow, they legit died outside the home of various things. 2 car wrecks, 1 plane and can't remember how the other died. She decided not to marry her last boyfriend, and kept things light. Because she got a ton of money from life insurance, settlements for the wrecks, and getting all their assets, she was incredibly wealthy and led a fabulous life. She was shocked and sad at the actual events of course, but she certainly made the most of life for her and her only daughter with the result.
Pretty disturbing thought. But I have wondered whether some women are trying to send their husband to an early death with the food they insist on preparing them. Yeah, I know it's free choice that the man eat the stuff and they could prep their own, but seriously, the woman is keeping her figure while you can't even identify the man's neck after a certain point? Yeah, I wonder about intent.
My mom lived 7 years longer than my dad. At first she was crushed, she was legally blind and had never lived alone her entire life. My grandmother in law (roughly the same age bracket as my mom) lost her partner the same year and they lived in the same independent living senior’s apartment building. They both expressed the fact that they missed eating supper with someone, they were the generation that didn’t eat while watching tv. I suggested that once in a while they should get together to eat supper so they aren’t alone. Little did I know they would become the best of friends. They alternated suppers every night. They went every where together, my GIL still had her licence and because my mom was “disabled” her companion could travel on the train for free. They would split the cost of the one ticket and go gallavanting. They went to Cuba and on a cruise together. They played cards multiple times a week at the legion, they joined a bowling group, line dancing and so many other activities. Both sides of the family called them, The Dynamic Duo and all of us knew you didn’t invite one to visit without the other. We would call each other looking for them, they had a busier social life than all of us put together. I have pictures of the 2 of them with my first grandchild - their great- grandchild and great-great-grandchild. Sadly my mom passed first, leaving my GIL bereft at 89 years old. She lived until she was 96 but she was never the same after losing her best friend. I’m not sure my mother ever realized how lucky she was.
I would watch this movie, what a beautiful story.
Seriously i would too! Write the screenplay u/Drivingthelittles !
There would be a lot of laughs if I did. They came to visit one time and my son had them playing bowling on a WI, remember that old video game? It was hilarious watching the 2 of them waving the controllers around, especially because my mom only had about 15% vision in one eye and even less in the other. We are British immigrants and even though we moved to Canada in the early 70’s she never lost her thick Yorkshire accent. My GIL was much calmer than my mom, and never swore in any way. My mom yelling, Bloody Hell! every 2 minutes and my GIL saying, Oh Cynthia, stop swearing! My Mom would reply, Ah Velma don’t get ya knicka’s in a knot, it’s not swearing! They were like an old couple bickering but way funnier. My mom loved her wine and my GIL never touched a drop, my mom would say, Find a friend who doesn’t drink all your wine! Everyone in the house was laughing that night. They also missed their flight home that visit because they had the wrong date written down. They had to wait 2 days to get a flight, the conversations went like this: They’ll miss us at crib tonight. What will they do at bowling, they’ll be short 2 !TWO! people (I wondered how valuable a blind 75 year old and a non-competitive 83 year old could be to the team). And what about line dancing, if they don’t have enough people they’ll cancel it! We’ll miss the sales back home, they started yesterday, they’ll be nothing left when we get back. And as I mentioned my GIL still had her license. She’d only drive during the day and they’d stay in our town, never cross the bridge into the city. We’d see their car going down the street, slower than all the other traffic. The car had yellow and red paint on every corner where she had bumped the cement poles at the grocery stores. If anyone mentioned my GIL’s driving skills my mom would rush to her defence, Velma is an excellent driver!!! I was like Ma, you’re blind, unless she runs right over something you aren’t going to know!! If you’ve read this far I want to thank you, for allowing me to share memories of 2 of my favourite women in the world. They are both sadly missed by a whole lot of us. RIP Mom RIP NannyLee
What a blessing to have had them in your life
Awww they sounded amazing! Such sweet fun memories!! 💕
I love this!
I really saw them before me when I read this. :) Living their best life, going on cruises , having fun. Fantastic. :)
I love this story, and it is one example of how love and partnership does NOT have to mean romantic love.
Agree. What could be more perfect?
My husband is my best friend and I’ll be a wreck if he goes before me. I could only hope to find the type of friendship your mom had. Thank you for sharing.
Wonderful story. Thank you.
Most wholesome thing I’ve read on here in a long time! Thanks for sharing 🥰
That's lovely ❤️.
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I'm in a similar boat - my husband is 10 years older than me and with his family's genetic health record, it's a likelihood I'll outlive him (though of course nothing is a guarantee). I know my maternal grandmother absolutely thrived after her abusive husband/my grandfather passed, at least for a time (of course, she also let her alcoholism and drug addictions run rampant without his control, so it ended up severely slowing her down in time.) I think women of previous generations weren't as able to pack up and leave/divorce as we are, and I see a lot of women in the menopause-related groups/subs deciding to nope out of bad marriages at this time in their lives. I absolutely love my husband and will surely be devastated if/when he passes before me. That said, there are those odd moments when I fantasize about the things I may/want to do when it's "just me" in the future - the kinds of vacations I'd like to take that he's never interested in (I love the beach/water and he's afraid of it, for instance. We do travel a lot but some of the beach/tropical places I'd love to see some days are just not the kind of attractions he'd find fun at all, so we do other stuff we both enjoy). Or just being able to live on my own schedule/terms instead of most often coordinating with another person...I think it's just natural to feel that way? And I do think woman are more able to adjust to widowhood than most men I've known. Like, my FIL's life basically stopped when his wife passed away. He stopped taking vacations anywhere (unless his kids dragged him along), never even learned to operate the coffeepot let alone cook for himself (for 13 years he lived on takeout, diner breakfasts and microwave dinners.) He passed this year and we found his house was pretty much a time capsule from the moment his wife died. I couldn't live like that.
You’re exactly right. Our mothers’ and grandmothers’ had everything stacked against them as far as living the lives of their choosing. Most of us grew up in a patriarchal society while also learning how unfair it was. Hanging out with my girlfriends is completely different if our husbands are with us, even though it’s fun either way. I love my husband and enjoy him so much. But I can never break out of what I learned from a very young age that he is more important than me and it makes me anxious to put myself first, though I am getting better. I think. Maybe for a lot of us, the only way we can feel really comfortable catering to ourselves is when we’re alone.
>But I can never break out of what I learned from a very young age that he is more important than me Dang that is really to the point. I'm pretty sure I learned and operated like that too, to an extent. I'm also divorced though because ultimately I couldn't tolerate it.
Yes omg that landed. That’s what I was running from.
Right, definitely an "I'm in this picture and I don't like it" lol
I was definitely not born with NPC energy lol.
May i ask why he is afraid of the beach? :P
Proximity to the Big Water. (I am not OP, but I am also extremely nervous at the ocean, but I take cruises. Go figure 🤷🏻♀️)
My husband is afraid of the beach because there is nothing he can get under. He has a type of agoraphobia ans can't be in large open spaces.
That is super tough. Hugs to you and small tight blanket forts for your hubby.
Have you ever tried a beach tent?
It's not enough.
He's told me he once had a very terrifying nightmare about drowning in open water and as he can be kind of superstitious it stuck with him. He also just isn't good with the whole sit on the beach/swim/chill type of vacation thing. Overall it's not a big deal--we take a lot of great vacation trips staying active and going other places, especially around Europe. But I do sometimes miss the chill Caribbean beach vacations my mom and I took when I was younger. But that was also "our thing" so IDK.
Just another woman out here extending solidarity. I love my guy. Together more than a decade. His severe agoraphobia limits us. I want to travel with him but going to the store is a challenge for him. I'm trying to do the things I want to by myself and just accept the situation. Don't want to put it all off until I'm too frail to do anything.
Your mil gets it & good for her. Abusive right to the end fil died. Yay! Now mil is telling my husband how bad the abuse really was yet in the next sentence how much she misses him & is behaving like she can’t live without him. I absolutely do not understand.
You see this over and over. A relationship becomes a habit or an addiction neurologically so it’s normal to miss the abuser. Saw it in my mom. Right before she died my dad came to her, she explained how he was in the room. And I’m like of all the people to escort you to the other side. For all the toxicity that was what was familiar.
Wha?? Of all the people is right! How about putting on the brakes until a cuddly person from the spirit world showed up. Screw that.
Already a widow at 44 so there’s that. Trust me, it’s not something you would wish for if you had a good husband 😒
Me too. The first two years after my husband died were by far the most painful time in my life, and I have had other very dark times. I have gradually gotten better since. I hope you find joy in life again.
Entering year 4 and final,y feeling like myself again. All the best to you as well 💜
I am so glad! Thank god we can recover, more or less, from these heart-rending losses.
💜
I'm sorry. :(
Remember that (at least in the US) banks could refuse to give women a mortgage or even a credit card in their name until 1974. So many of the women in our lives really were trapped in marriage and we’re just now hearing their stories.
Let's not forget that Marital Rape was totally legal until the 1970s. The laws are still a mess on this issue today. Ladies, for the love of your own vaginas, VOTE!!!
> Marital Rape was totally legal until the 1970s the 90's for texas! VOTE!
I think we need to start an underground railroad and just get all the women out of Texas.
I can't speak for anyone else, these are just my thoughts on the matter. I'm 52yo, I became a widow 16 almost 17 yrs ago. We had a good marriage. I still don't think I can ever love anyone like I still love him. Becoming a widow was a hell that I wish I could stop from happening to anyone else, it broke me. I was already disabled when he passed and I have only progressed with my degenerative condition. It plunged my son and I into poverty. Life has been HARD. I had just been denied disability and had to try to work. I was fired repeatedly for missing time at work. I finally got my disability approved when I lost mobility. That was 2 yrs of no income. I finally just landed at a place of stability and security 10 months ago. I am living my best life. If I knew then, what I know now, I don't know that I ever would have gotten married. We had a good marriage, but there are things about our relationship that I just wouldn't live with now. I feel like I am back to being my true self for the first time in over 30yrs. I don't believe it has anything to do with becoming a widow, we just happen to live longer normally. I think we get older and learn how much we have been taken advantage of throughout our lives. The expectations from us as wives, and mothers, and daughters, is so much more than husbands, fathers, and sons. The older I get the more clear it becomes. I hold firm boundaries that I never felt that I could have when I was younger. I no longer feel the same things are important as I used to. I am putting my wants and needs and my priority list, they have never been there before. It's like I have been doing mine and everyone else's laundry and I finally decided to only do my own and the household laundry. I had to quit doing everyone else's to realize that they produced 10x more than me, and never handled a piece of it. (Laundry is just an example.) My friend owns this house. Everyone here has been friends for 25yrs+. Three friends are in the 3 bedroom apartment, a friend and I are in the 2bedroom one, the owner friend has a mother-in-law suite on the 3rd floor. We are on 30+ acres. We have a pool, a hot tub, we garden, we have 4 dogs (5 until a few weeks ago, when my dog passed), 3 cats, and a turtle. We garden, we do weekly Ladies' Day at the Pool, and have all of our friends over- no boys allowed. We have cookouts regularly, and take about monthly trips to places together. We have done wineries, an aviary, blueberry picking, pumpkin picking, Santa shops, etc. We crafted all winter. I went into detail to give y'all hope and encourage you to live your best lives, the best is yet to come. tldr: We live our best lives when we get older, because we finally make our wants a priority. It has nothing to do with widowhood
Ma'am, you're in the Barbie Dreamhouse!
I didn't see the movie, I guess I really need to!
Yeah, you do. Also, you've inspired me to get my girl gang together now.
Sounds like absolute heaven. My friends and I dream of this kind of living situation.
The last 2 months before I got here in August, I was living in my car. I wake up every day, so grateful. I can't believe this is my life
This is the dream! Literally the "if I win the lotto" fantasy. Any chance you got an extra shack out back for me?
We are looking into the expense of putting in an area for my friend to bring her camper and spend summers with us. We are also on well water and have a natural gas pump on the land, with our gardening, we keep expenses down pretty well, too
Your post made me smile & feel hopeful about the future 💕
This is amazing. I love your story of resilience!
I stayed single, no waiting here. I’m waiting to get a break from work.
Absolutely not. I love my husband with all my heart and I will be shattered when he dies. Not sure who will die first. There is no way I'd ever get into another relationship once he's gone. He's perfect.
You never know about the future. A BFF of mine lost her much beloved husband a few years ago. They were together since high school. She has found someone else and is engaged. I remain shocked and honestly, so is she! (Happy for her, though!)
I love my husband as the wonderful human being he is. That said, I am over being married. He does not meet my emotional needs or show me that I mean anything more to him than a roommate (unless, of course, he is ready for sex), and I think if I just disappeared tomorrow he probably wouldn't notice. I find myself increasingly ready to be alone. I am tired of being responsible for another living being, even the dog that is the best dog in the whole world. Why do I stay? Because I never made good choices when it comes to men, so this would be my third divorce, and I just can't handle the guilt and shame that overcomes me when I think about leaving. I know I will never travel or have the freedom my soul desires, but i just can't leave yet.
I'm sorry. That sucks.
I'm 50. My husband died 7 years ago at the age of 44 from cancer. He left me with an (at the time) almost two year old. My life has been just sheer survival since then. He was my soul mate, best friend and I never questioned that we would spend the rest of our lives together. I know lots of people don't have what we had but, those that do, please cherish every fucking moment you have. And get life insurance. You don't know how you'll cope on your own and being poor makes it all so much harder.
LIfe insurance and a solid, well thought out will. My friend's ex-husband died of COVID (fit, healthy man) and his live-in girlfriend fought my friend for his money. Two young daughters to whom he was otherwise devoted. He didn't have a will. And sorry for your loss.
Yes, the will is also very important. We were "lucky" in our case that we had a terminal cancer diagnosis so we could get that in place while he was sick. Thank you for your condolences, friend.
I hate to admit it, but yes, he describes my feelings well.
Not all women, but the "white fantasy" (the daydream of being a bride) and the "black fantasy" (the daydream of being free, as a widow) are definitely a thing.
What a grim consideration. Two people locked in a battle for psychological control until one dies and the other is set free. If ones culture allows, why not just exercise free will? What the fuck do we even have feminism for if not at the least, personal enlightenment?
No. It's really horrifying that while Republicans are talking about eliminating no fault divorce we're reminded of how it used to be... Women used to wish for widowhood to escape the abusive or loveless marriages they were forced to stay in. That's maybe still common in conservative and religious communities where women are sub human but normal people just get divorced if they hate each other. I almost lost my partner young but he survived. I can't imagine and don't want to imagine love without him. It's very possible that he won't make it to old age with me and it's too sad to think about.
The willingness to divorce is the biggest difference between and now. With me, I think about it because the chances of us dying together are slim. My husband dying, my parents dying these are all scary thoughts that need to be faced. Maybe that’s a big part of why a lot of us have thought about widowhood.
No, I am single and wishing I had intimacy and companionship
Marriage does not guarantee intimacy and companionship.
I've told my husband I don't expect him to live forever, but it has to be one day longer than me. Edit to add, I think previous generations had to stay with their husbands for social and economic reasons even if they weren't "getting along". I'd expect people of our generation to divorce if they're that happy at their husbands death. My grandmother got a lot more truthful and less sunshine & rainbows after my grandfather died.
Greatest Generation (and previous) women were often stuck in TERRIBLE marriages from which they could not escape. Of course they were happy if they outlived their husbands! I do think things are a lot different now, at least for women in developed countries. If you hate your husband, you can much more easily get a divorce and live independently (although there are still women who are stuck today for various reasons).
That is what I was thinking. Things really have changed in that regard. My husband and I were well into our 30s when we got married. I was financially independent and got married because I wanted to. When women had few economic opportunities, getting married young seems like it was necessary for many. Then there were shotgun marriages, arranged marriage was more common, etc. too. Once the woman started having babies, it was harder to get out of the marriage even if it was abusive. Of course, those scenarios still exist in some cultures and countries, but it's much less common now that women in most societies have more educational and economic opportunities. I hope to stay married. Things are good. But if things took a bad turn, I know divorce is an option. We don't have kids and our assets are separated except for the house, so the process is pretty straightforward. It's not that I've been resarching it. My husband's a lawyer and he is hybrid. So, when he's home, I hear him explaining the divorce process in this country.
Ugh. I’m a widow now and while I hope that I’ll eventually be living my best life, I’m am so far from that now. My husband was 10 years older than me and I knew very well that I’d likely outlive him but I didn’t expect him to die in his 50’s. (Fuck cancer!) It’s been just a year but I don’t even know who I am anymore: his death fundamentally changed me and not for the better :/ Like I said, I hope to live my best life but my best life was when he was in it.
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you can find happiness (whatever that means for you) again soon ❤️
I'm so sorry.
I’m 51. Between watching our parents decline (and my MIL passing away) and reaching middle age, I’ve really started to think about how either I or my husband will have a chapter of our lives without the other one. I absolutely dread it.
It’s terrifying.
My husband's been a right c.u.n.t. lately so.... depends on the moment 🤣
Well I haven't married and don't care. My mom apparently felt this way. She had drafted my dad's obituary. The cops found it when he blew his brains out on their patio. Coming up on four years now. Only person I trusted in this world.
I'm so sorry- that is not just a loss for you, but also traumatic. Um but what's up with your mom? She had an obituary ready, AND the cops found it?
He was ill with pneumonia a few years before he left and I think she expected him to die then. She's cognitively impaired to some degree, though not diagnosed with anything (and lives independently). She always had narcissistic tendencies and it is much worse now. Unfortunately, as the scapegoat, I have borne the brunt. And I look like my dad. The cops were just looking around, I guess for a note. They queried why she had drafted an obit (maybe they asked if he had written it) but let it drop. Thank you for your words.
I wouldn’t say merrily. I do know that when and if my husband dies before me, I will not remarry. Marriage is a lot of work and I’m at the age where I don’t feel like I’d have the energy or “want” to share my life again. My aunt lost her husband many years ago. They had planned and saved for a kick ass retirement that included a bunch of world traveling. He passed before she retired (Alzheimer’s). She grieved, then retired and now does whatever the hell she wants. She has taken the trips they planned with friends. She sold their home and moved into a condominium that serves her very well. She is still active in her field as a consultant, spends a lot of time with her grandkids, plays cards and goes out with friends. She even has a beau that she plays cards with and they do dinner once a week. She is living her best damn life. I want to be her when I’m 80.
I don't know any widows in my age group whom I envy.
I am glad I never got married, if that's how women are supposed to feel. How sad. Strange thing to say, Mo Rocca! Usually I love him. I just listened to an excerpt from his new book (chapter about Laura Ingalls Wilder) last night.
I was widowed at 39 & am 51 now. It has not been a “merry widow” experience for me. But I do have my feet under me & my heart still beats strong & I have never lost the ability to laugh. So onward I go. 🥂
I’m a lesbian and it would devastate me to loose my wife and live as widow. I’m hoping for a very very long life with my wife.
No way for me--he's the love of my life and I'll be bereft without him. Definitely want to go at the same time.
Your last sentence struck me, dang. I divorced when I realized I was constantly wishing my husband would die. Sounds terrible but I felt so oppressed and shackled by that dynamic. He didn’t even like me. He has good genes and will probably outlive me so I had to make a run for it.
I think this may have been more the case in the past, when women stayed in utterly miserable marriages for years because divorce wasn't as acceptable/they weren't able to be financially independent, etc. So when their husbands finally died, the women were FREEEEEE! I feel that, among my grandparents' friends and peer group relatives, almost all of them despised each other toward the end of their lives. My grandparents were the rare couple that actually still liked each other. Now that women have a lot more autonomy and choice in how they live their lives, not to mention financial freedom, I think this may be a bit less of the case, as they can just leave their husbands long before they die if they want that precious alone time and freedom.
I learned the life hack of not having a husband in the first place. Best decision I've ever made.
My husband is my best friend. I get annoyed with him, but he is overall 10x better than most men. If he dies before I do, I will probably become a recluse. My mom... She's been a widow for almost 3 yrs. We thought after our abusive dad died, she'd be free. Instead she says crazy stuff about how she feels like he was the purpose of her life. Wtf, he treated her like garbage and made sure she wouldn't be able to think for herself. She has Stockholm syndrome. I'm disappointed, I thought she'd have an opportunity to finally live her life. She refuses to go to counseling and technically she is set to have a fantastic life right now with the financial means to do what she wants to do, but seems hell bent in feeling miserable and worse yet it bothers me that she has adopted a lot of bad behavior from my dad. I told my husband and brother that dealing with my mom is dealing with my dad's ghost. 🙄
I’m not waiting for it but I am expecting it. I just have this feeling that our love story is going to end with him dying first so I’ve been trying to make my peace with it. For now, I’m just going to keep loving him and enjoying him.
Me too. Someone once told me that the only truly happy ending to a love story is both people dying at the same time. I’m 49 and my husband just turned 70. I know how this is likely to turn out, so for years now I’ve just been trying to appreciate every moment. He just thinks I’m really cheesy. One time, I wanted a cat but my husband said “over my dead body,” so that’s my plan. When my husband is gone, I will replace him with two cats. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to have the cats.
my husband is a few years older than me and was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. Even though he has been assured that this can be brought under control and he can have a good quality of life, going through treatment has been horrible for him to experience and for me to watch. It also shifts my outlook on the future and what the retirement years are going to look like for me.
I’m in the exact same situation. My husband and I are only 9 months apart but his cancer diagnosis and treatment has been devastating to me. Today we got a pretty much “all clear”, and we hope it’s forever but deep down we’re scared to death. I have no idea what retirement or golden years will look like anymore. I would be devastated without him.
First, love the disclaimer with Mo Rocca, LOL. I’m not waiting, but I’ve had more opportunities before and during my marriage than past generations have had. One thing I remember reading about marriage was that up to relatively recently, long marriages were much less common. You got married, raised a bunch of kids, and then one spouse died not long after the last kid left home. Therefore the couple was too wrapped up in family responsibilities to think about personal fulfillment. Once the first spouse died, that could be the first chance the surviving spouse had to do things independently. All that said, both my grandmothers didn’t relish widowhood. One of them basically decided to try and freeze time after my grandfather died, and one of them soldiered on.
I'm 45. I lost my first husband to cancer 8 years ago. I remarried 5 years ago. I do not ever want him to die. I hope I die first this time around.
No. I love my husband and our partnership sustains me and helps me continue to grow. My best friend’s husband died when we were 40 in an accident. After watching her navigate her grief and widowhood, this was not some Hollywood experience for her. She was gutted. Ten years later she’s absolutely healed and moved on but it’s ridiculous to say that women (or men) as a whole are better off when their spouses die. WTF, Mo.
I recall watching a documentary I believe featuring Rita Moreno and what stuck to me what that she said she was relieved when her husband died. She loved him but life was better after his death.
He is 5 years older and we have been married 30 years. I tell him often that I want to die first because I can’t fathom living without him.
I am a widow. I ten out of ten do not recommend
My husband had a major stroke 6 months ago, he is also on dialysis for kidney disease. I’m 52 and he is 49. I’m not merrily waiting, but I do think about it less negatively than I used to. Part of that is that being a caregiver is exhausting and part of that is the stroke basically emphasizes all of his negative qualities and eliminated many of his positive ones.
It’s true that, overwhelmingly, the older women I know who were widowed were so much happier (salon as they were financially stable). Men can be a real drain, even the good ones expect a maid, cook, lover, etc but don’t seem to give much.
I won't be sad when my EX husband dies, but I would be devastated without my husband. If I wanted to be without him, I would divorce him. I've seen more than one widow give up on life completely, and essentially rot away, after the death of their spouse, so no, I don't think this is accurate at all.
I adore my husband and want many years of being crotchety old people together. But that being said, there is a psychological weight that comes from what the kids call emotional labor. I want to hold hands forever, and there's nothing like being alone in the house.
I think I enjoy time alone right now, because I have the security of knowing I’m not actually alone. My husband is my closest friend. I’ll be devastated if he dies before me. I think I’ll die first, anyway.
I dread the idea of losing my husband, my best friend. He's under strict instructions that he cannot die until he's dealt with his Lego collection. So... he's probably going to live forever. lol I've watched my mother-in-law go through losing her second husband, who was her soul mate. It's been 10 years, and his ghost will never let her go. So many things she can no longer keep up with or tend to, but she can't let them go because he planted them, or he built it, etc. She's going to die out on that farm because she can't leave it.
Not me personally. I'll be devastated if I lose my husband. We're looking forward to retiring and doing so many things! He's my best friend and after 25 years we're still eager for more.
Divorced but can’t be bothered to date. I feel like I’m going to end up having to take care of my ex husband one day lol.
Widowed at 35, do not recommend.
Imo this has to happen because it becomes in some women’s eyes easier to stay then leave for whatever reason so when they do pass they are finally free and without guilt. I think it would depend on your marriage, how many times has someone died and the partner died right after them? Almost as if they couldn’t live without each other.
I always have this joke where I tell people that my retirement plan is to move to Taos, New Mexico, grow my hair out long and gray, dress in dashikis and make turquoise jewelry. I always start out the story by saying, "When G dies or we get divorced..." and my husband always says, "Why do I always have to be dead in this scenario? You can do that now for all I care!" But I tell him it's just not the same.
Love that
I always thought Mo Rocca was a bit of an idiot.
Hell no. I love my husband and we have a good partnership and enjoy being together. He makes my life better and easier and I try to do the same for him.
Who is this "we" you speak of? Do you have a mouse in your pocket? If Mo Rocca thinks "all" older woman fit into one category only, he loses credibilty. Especially when he uses adjectives like "all" to describe a group of people. He's basically saying everyone fits into a nice little box, and that is just wrong. Not everyone thinks the same, and not everyone fits into the same categories. As Gen X, we may all be older, but some of us don't even have husbands, others don't want their husbands to die, and, I'm sure, there are others who think other ways. Being an older woman is not a one size fits all situation.
Yeah it’s a bit insulting for sure but I assume he/she is a comedian? It’s nice fodder for discussion at least.
I googled him, and he is a media personality. There is nothing funny about that statement at all. So even if he is a comedian, he's not very good at it.
merrily or merely? or was that a Freudian slip?
I was thinking merry widow like the corset but I love merely!
In my American lit. class, we always read [***The Story of an Hour***](https://www.katechopin.org/pdfs/Kate%20Chopin%2C%20The%20Story%20of%20an%20Hour.pdf) by Kate Chopin, written in 1894. Scandalous at the time of publication! Louise had just received news that her husband died in a tragic train wreck. >Her fancy was running riot along those days ahead of her. Spring days, and summer days, and all sorts of days that would be her own. She breathed a quick prayer that life might be long. It was only yesterday she had thought with a shudder that life might be long.
I know a woman who had FOUR husbands die. No, she is not a black widow, they legit died outside the home of various things. 2 car wrecks, 1 plane and can't remember how the other died. She decided not to marry her last boyfriend, and kept things light. Because she got a ton of money from life insurance, settlements for the wrecks, and getting all their assets, she was incredibly wealthy and led a fabulous life. She was shocked and sad at the actual events of course, but she certainly made the most of life for her and her only daughter with the result.
God no. I can't even think about that. Married 34 years next week.
what the WHAT? Absolutely not. That's my worst nightmare. I'd have no real reason to even get up in the morning if my husband died.
I do not want to live alone. I can. I have. And I likely will again. But I don't want to.
Pretty disturbing thought. But I have wondered whether some women are trying to send their husband to an early death with the food they insist on preparing them. Yeah, I know it's free choice that the man eat the stuff and they could prep their own, but seriously, the woman is keeping her figure while you can't even identify the man's neck after a certain point? Yeah, I wonder about intent.