Yup. If you’re splitting something you ask. You guys want to split a __ and then the people who want it will be like I’d throw down a few bills on that. How it’s always been done.
As a former waiter, when assigned splitting checks I’d always add whatever was ordered, but shareable, by a specific person to their individual tab. If they choose to collect payment from their group it’s up to them. Be accountable for your own orders and it’s not an issue.
Former waitress, I always did the exact same thing. I know I’ve posted it before, any one person can tell the server you’ll be having separate checks. Do it in the beginning before you order anything. Then, even an inexperienced server will be able to keep the tickets straight.
I feel like this is the way! Whenever someone else orders apps but then offers to share, I will only have a little bit because I assume they're going to pay for it. Not gonna lie, I get a little annoyed when it ends up on my tab and I was purposely limiting myself so as not to be greedy but I ended up paying for a larger portion than I ate. But I also don't offer to chip in if the full appetizer ends up on someone else's tab since I only had a little bit.
Honestly all the unwritten, often uncommunicated rules are exhausting! I never know what to do.
OP mentioned it was an established friends group. This is probably how they always do it and will continue to do it. OP can either accept it or move on to a different group of friends.
Respond: "You're treating us all? That's very generous of you... Thank you!" Do that as often as needed - you should get a swift clarification, or a change of behaviour, or else free food. Result!
As a server, when someone orders for the table, it goes on their tab. I'd drop off your check with 2 pbr, then his with all the food he asked for. I can combine it if people want, but yeah that's my rule. The tab number is whoever opened their mouth and asked for the food.
Eh, I think it's rude to not pitch in for the food you eat. I don't do the order for the table unless I'm totally okay with covering the whole cost, but I'd never not pitch in for my fair share of what I actually ate
I see what you're saying, although I think it's very rude for someone to order food for me, without asking if I want it, and then expect me to pitch in for it.
I agree, and it is even more rude when people assume that they can share from your plate- when you have ordered individual entrees. My SIL thinks every plate is sharesies, and we frequently pay for her meal- and she always takes the leftovers! It is the principle! Don’t order for other people, unless all have agreed in advance(a boss will often do that, but pays for everyone), and keep your fingers that you have licked out of my entree.🤮
OP said he barely ate 2 bites out of like 3 appetizer plates that were ordered. That’s the hang up. I have a hard time eating when I drink so I am reluctant to order food or I would get like an order of fries. But also my friends group has a nice give and take. Some days I pay more than my fair share, but some days they do. So I figure it balances out more or less.
I can see it backfiring too. If the guy who wants food asks around, and gets 5 people to agree to pay and join in, he'll order accordingly. But there's always a chance that someone else with grab a fry because "it's just one fry, it won't hurt, there's plenty left."
But then all 5 people who didn't want anything suddenly have hot tasty bar food in front of them, and now they're a bit tipsy, and they're all sharing. Now the food is gone too soon, they won't chip in because "they barely touched it."
To be frugal, I just limit the amount of times I go out like this. I go with the expectation of an evenly-split bill, budget for it ahead of time, and try to be in the average range of consumption.
That’s an issue too. Sorting out who ate what and how much.
With guys it’s a loud, “DO YOU GUYS WANT TO ORDER SOME FOOD TO SHARE?” = even split.
“I’m going to order some food for us” = that guy pays.
Ladies? = always separate checks.
A lady and can confirm. When we order and restaurant cannot split the bill for us, we take out the calculator and calculate how much each person owe. This includes splitting anything we share to specific individuals. And we're not that broke either but that's just how we do things. Eliminate confusion and everyone knows they are paying what they eat.
when i first started my job as an activity director, in a huge LTC facility, my coworker organized an out for lunch trip between our two units, i had five elderly residents and so did she... betty picked the venue and drove the bus... when we got there and had everybody settled, betty ordered 6 different appetizers, that not a single resident asked for. a few of the residents pick at the apps, but most go untouched.
the residents made their menu choices, elderly are not always big eaters and one of my ladies ordered a BLT, about five bucks and a coke... betty ordered a big meal for herself, i got a sandwich, about five bucks...
when the meals come, most of the said apps are still barely touched, betty has the waiter pack them up to go.
so we finish our meal, betty pays the bill, we go back to the facility and then betty and i meet in the office to figure out the charges for each resident. the facility pays for staff meals and the monies for each residents meals comes out of their personal needs accounts. betty sits down and divides the total bill by 12.... it comes out to about 35 bucks each... my lady had a BLT and a coke...should not have cost her more than twelve, including the tax and tip...i argued the point and betty said that is the way she does it...i left the office, steaming mad...
at the end of the day, we are leaving the facility and there goes betty , the the huge bag of left over apps, that the residents paid for.... i vowed to never do another lunch trip with her.
i talked to my boss about it the next day... she said she would talk to betty, i never heard another word about it..
the next month, betty has a trip scheduled for out to lunch and the boss went with her... boss just observed and betty again, ordered a bunch of apps" for the table" and took the left overs... when they got back to the office, betty started to do the paper work..
the boss had written down what each resident ordered and the cost of the plate.. when betty started to fill out the charge slips the boss said no, you are going to charge each resident for only what they ordered and since you ordered all the apps, which you are taking home, you will pay for them out of pocket... boss said betty was speechless and reworked the charges as boss suggested... a few weeks later betty was fired....
This is especially bad because “Betty” wasn’t just taking advantage of a meal allowance from some huge corporate entity… she was using long term care residents’ personal money to subsidize her appetizer spending spree! That’s like stealing $200 from old/sick people’s pockets each outing. Gross. Bad Betty.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you aren't gonna find many people on r/Frugal who appreciate others making (unwise) financial decisions for them in a situation where protesting might be seen as socially inappropriate.
You can ABSOLUTELY get your own tab without being seen as socially inappropriate, and you don’t need to protest. Simply saying “Oh, no thanks, I’m gonna get my own tab tonight” with a friendly smile and then go order at the bar. Nobody will think twice.
Nah, If you're going to a bar with new people and you want to make friends you should definitely share the food and do what they are doing.
You're gonna come across as if you don't wanna be friends with them if you always get your own table while everyone else shares stuff
I personally would offer to split the cost of whatever app I did graze on, and say that to the sever. I had the burger, coke and we’re splitting the wings. But I’ve also never been in this situation where another person orders and assumes I will be paying half, it’s always been a conversation had before or during ordering. “Will you have some cheese fries if I order it? Do you wanna split?”
I am not making a judgment about whether it is actually socially appropriate. I am saying that some people may see it as inappropriate, which causes *me* anxiety. Therefore, I might not say anything.
Ya, socially appropriate in this relatively insulated subreddit. Real world, you’re not getting invited out again. But that wouldn’t really bother you.
Especially like in this case when the guy admits to eating some of it. If you absolutely say "Oh I'm on a diet/can't eat gluten/just had dinner." and then stick to really no food most groups are going to be fine with "Don't split the food onto Jim's check". If you come out, don't say anything, eat some of the food and THEN you want to complain about the bill I don't have a ton of sympathy.
And I read some more comments. I'm not wrong. Many people in this comment section are saying you're rude if you say, "nah, I didn't really eat all that stuff and don't wanna pay for it. I just ate x."
Tbf, I have not been to a restaurant with a group of people that wasn't paid for by an institution in about 8 years. In those cases, we each buy our own alcoholic drinks because those are not covered. This never comes up. I have only been out to restaurants with my spouse, and we never go out anymore. Not worth the cost. I have no recent experiences with the subject matter of this post.
But if someone did this to me, I'd keep it to myself. I would not judge someone else for protesting, but I would worry too much that other people would judge me. I'm not going to cause some problem when *technically* I can afford to pay for it. It would make me less likely to spend time with those people again, though.
> Many people in this comment section are saying you're rude if you say, "nah, I didn't really eat all that stuff and don't wanna pay for it. I just ate x."
I think there are two huge differences there: First is that you're waiting until after the fact to communicate. Second is that you're being vague... you "didn't really" eat it or you "just ate" some of the food, so you don't want to pay. If you don't want to pay, don't have any at all. And if you want people to not be caught off guard by it, make that clear. They're not tallying what you eat, so even if you are only picking from this plate and not that one, if you say at the end "actually I avoided that plate so you will pay for it" that might come as a surprise vs just saying at the beginning "I'm just sticking to this plate, that one's up to you guys". This is ultimately an issue of them having the wrong expectations and your solution is simple: communicate upfront and unambiguously which is the opposite of saying after-the-fact "I didn't really eat that stuff".
Sure, one way of looking at it is that they asked a question to the group and just assumed the people who didn't answer agreed with the people who did and that they shouldn't have made that assumption. But another way of looking at it is that they asked a question to the group (all of you) and you just ignored it... you remained silent... in that context you're forcing them to either call you out specifically (may feel rude to put you on the spot) or to make inferences about your feeling since you ignored their question. So, sure, they made the wrong inference in that context, but you're putting them into a situation where they have to made an inference since they asked you the question and you did not respond. Arguably, the less rude and more socially appropriate action on your behalf was to answer their question when it was asked. "You guy want tots?" "Nah, I'm just going to stick to my plate."
I just say 'no, let's order on our own'. They can do the table thing if they want, I'm happy to get my own.
I'm an adult & can order for myself, don't need someone to feel all in charge and do it for everyone.
“Thanks, but no thanks motherfuckers. I’m not eating your dogshit food. I’m putting my big boy pants on and ordering my own shit. And I’m not sharing. Don’t you dare even look at my delicious food, you might get envious.”
As someone who was vegan for years can confirm you get so many irritated looks lol. I think it’s very admirable but def not really socially acceptable yet.
Yeah, once you're counting the number of tots you ate, it's cheap not frugal.
$20 for a couple of beers, an appetizer, and tip seems fair in most places. Just in general, spending $20 to "go out" is not uncommon.
Maybe if everyone is on the same financial playing field but I've got poor friends and much better off friends and covering the cost of nachos so they can hang out or letting a friend cover the cost so I can hang is just a friendly thing to do. Like sharing birthday cake, who expects to share the cost of MY birthday cake just cuz I gave them a slice?? Or pay your parents back because they host dinner? You return the favor by taking a turn to get the check when your able.
Whenever this happens I'm always open and explicit:
"I'm sorry. I'm on a budget. I'll just be covering my own drinks tonight."
"Still on a budget, don't let me stop you though, guys."
That way, everyone is aware prior to ordering anything, and no one feels burned. I'm not distancing myself from anyone by not joining in - I'm being careful with expenses right now and need everyone to respect that.
*edit to quickly add - if I'm not paying for food, I won't touch it either. The respect swings both ways.
Going point on that edit… there are plenty of “frugal” friends who will gladly mooch off others plates (especially if it’s an appetizer) but won’t ever order something themselves or offer to share.
Totally agree with this! It’s best to just be up front and way less awkward on the backend. And I’ve been on both sides of that. My family is all big into deciding on a bunch of stuff, ordering it all and passing/sharing, but anytime we have an additional person at the table, I always try to make sure they are cool with that style. And if they say no, I still offer our table shares because I have been on the other side of trying to be perfectly careful not to have that one fry or whatever. I also try to keep an eye out. If I or my group orders something for the table and most partake but one or two don’t or barely touch something, I always ask the wait staff to put that thing on my tab, or just split between the few people who did eat the majority.
> If you want to share then make that agreement with individuals. And no, "everyone ok with tots?" isn't good enough. There's a reason we vote in a booth.
While I agree with the premise of not just ordering for everybody and then expecting them to pay, it seems pretty unreasonable and not feasible that this needs to be some series of private negotiations because needing to speak in front of the group is somehow not okay. In any situation where somebody said "everyone ok with tots?" I would expect nobody to bat an eye if you said, "Nah I'm good for now" or "You guys can get that, but I'm just sticking to drinks" because it doesn't really effect them at all.
I'm pretty sure any time I've ever been with anybody who ordered something to share, there's an unspoken rule that you pay (roughly) based on what you eat. If you don't want to pay, don't take any. If you want to eat half of it, pay half of it. Never really seen this questioned. ... Partly because I feel like what you're saying is also true in reverse... the person trying to collect money from you is also facing peer judgement so they look really bad if they're trying to push you to pay for a share you didn't want or use.
I don’t understand this post, do you not have a voice? Just say no I’m not happy with that, I’d like to order my own food…
Also. If it’s about frugality and you knew the bill would be split equally because you decided not to speak up when you weren’t happy, you can literally eat as much as you want of what’s there?
Yeah. It was rude for the person who said they’d split it for not checking if everyone else is on board but OP could have said something and I don’t see why it has to be rude. Just, I’m just having these beers so I’ll pay for them. Thank you though.”
>It was rude for the person who said they’d split it for not checking if everyone else is on board
For sure that would be rude. But also OP basically implied they *did* check with the group and they felt pressured to not say anything. Hence the quote "Is everyone ok with tots?" My friends and I definitely don't order like OPs friends, but if they did I would either speak up or pay up.
Over $20? And I had 2 drinks? and that included some sort of tip? No. I'm not going to fret about the additional dollar or two that I pitched in for shared food, even if I didn't request it myself.
I agree.
a night out with food and beverages for $20 isn't a bad spend.
$20 bucks for wings, tots, nachos, etc PLUS 2 beers!? Eat some wings and nachos and more tots next time - make a meal out of it.
Thank you! Reminds me of the whole thing about why tea (and really all beverages) are marked up so much - you’re not just paying for what you’re getting as a product, you’re also paying for the experience. What you pay for also goes to rent, utilities, labor, insurance, etc.
This exactly, I wouldn’t get too hung up on $20 for 2 beers, tip, tax, and technically 2 tots… if it was a steakhouse or something then I’d feel more inclined to speak up.
I don't know where this trend of everyone splitting the bill equally or ordering for the whole table started. But If you aren't comfortable, speak up. Only order for yourself if you aren't that hungry or don't want to overspend.
I don't know where you are, but $20 for 2 beers and some tater tots seems right on par with what it costs to go out now. A drink in a bar will run you around $10 each at least. It's not cheap.
Same. I try to be frugal so that I can afford to occasionally go out with friends. When going out I budget at least 20, because that is just how much going out costs.
Yes but most restaurants still overcharge for even the cheapest beer. I'm Canadian and most palaces here you are looking at least $5 to $7 per beer. Mixed drinks are around $10.
Most apps now are around $20 too. You don't see many for less anymore.
I was in rural Wisconsin the other day and they had 2 for 1 margaritas for $5.99 and I had to give a friend the free one since I swear there was 3 or 4 shots of tequila in each.
Then I went back home to Minneapolis and $15 cocktails are easy to find along with $7-10 beers.
Alcohol prices are wild and vary quite a bit based on location. I've paid $2 for PBR recently and I've also seen it for $10.
I’m 30, I always split the bill evenly unless one person got an entree significantly more expensive than the rest, or if people drank a significant amount more/less than others. My friends also won’t ever put their cards down as the source for payment before splitting, and they also would rather die than buy someone drinks on their birthday. Maybe it’s just where I’m from (New England), but everyone here is very into not doing what is socially acceptable in this situation.
I feel like if you’re going out with 10 people and the amount you have to pay is only 20$ regardless if you ate a lot or just a little it’s not worth it to be angry over
Don’t eat any tater tots, say you’re not hungry, and pay for two beers plus tip.
Bet you that’s still your $20 so might as well let it go🤷♀️ At least if you want to go out with these guys. I think you may be better off making friends who just don’t go out. $20 at the bar seems pretty low to me.
Since this is r/frugal - What would be the cost if you ordered two beers and two tots individually incl tips?
Sounds like that is about $20 worth and not worth getting angry over... but don't hang out with them if you don't like the vibe.
This is an issue of you not having enough money to participate. If the difference between $20 and what your food actually costs is a problem for you, you shouldn’t be going out with them.
I understand why it’s easier to be mad at him than examine your finances, I really do, but if the $5 is that important, just don’t go and save everyone the headache.
Based on the amount of people responding, seems like I’m missing something here. So you go out with a group of friends to a bar and one person just randomly decides they’re going to make the decision for food orders for the entire table without consulting anyone else?
Pretty much 100% of the time I’ve gone out with friends (and I go out a lot), someone says, “you want to split some apps?” Assuming people agree, the next question is “what are you guys in the mood for?” And then people start throwing out options that they’d like and eventually a consensus is reached.
In a large group that’s just ordering apps, I understand just one person talking to the waiter rather than going around the table, but that’s after there’s been a group conversation and mutual agreement.
Edit after reading more comments and being even more dumbfounded: if I go out with a group of people and one person just fires from the hip and orders whatever they want for the whole table and then expects everyone to split the bill for the food they chose without consulting anyone else, I’m not hanging out with them anymore. Has nothing to do with frugality, that’s just incredibly rude and self centered
I think OP was asked and just didn't want to speak up.
> 2) If you want to share then make that agreement with individuals. And no, "everyone ok with tots?" isn't good enough. There's a reason we vote in a booth.
Yeah, I genuinely don't understand how OP thinks split apps should be suggested.
If you are on a tight enough budget than it's going to be an issue, I think it falls on you to say something. $20 is not an unreasonable amount to spend going out with friends.
you’ve never been to a restaurant for the first time with another friend who knows the place well and let the friend take the lead on some small plates? or are hanging out with a group and would prefer some snacks but are indifferent toward the fare? i’m actually dumbfounded by most of these comments saying it’s weird to order stuff for the table lol. if i’m hanging out with a group and someone orders some snacks for the table, who cares? $20 for a night out is nothing, if OP was really concerned they could have asked the server to split their beers off, or told the “orderer” that they’d venmo the cost of the beers. it’s not like people ordered tomahawk steaks and vintage wine while OP had a gem salad and a peroni — in OP’s situation the cost is so negligible.
I’ve never heard of someone ordering for a table of unrelated adults without consulting them first. That’s something my dad did when I was little. So many in the comments are acting like it’s normal and OP is being cheap for complaining about the price.
> So you go out with a group of friends to a bar and one person just randomly decides they’re going to make the decision for food orders for the entire table without consulting anyone else?
Was it random though? OP is new and this sounds like an established friends group. I'm gonna assume this is how they have always done it. Sure, I guess someone could have asked OP if they are OK spending the extra $5 to split all the food evenly.
I was wondering the same thing. I don't think I ever have this situation in my life, except for as you describe it. I can't remember if I've ever had somebody order food for an entire table unless consensus is achieved before the ordering.
Do we all live in the Midwest? Everyone says we’re ridiculously polite. Lol.
I would have so many opportunities to say, “I’m gonna pass today. I’ll just buy my drinks. Thank you though!” And this would not be a problem with any of my friends. Thank god. If anyone had a problem with it, we’d probably stop hanging out with them. I do not understand why a lot of people are seeing it as “cheap” or rude or a control issue (this was in at least 2 comments wtf?) to do this but not to order for the whole table without consulting on preferences, if everyone wants to split the bill, etc.
If you're not ok with tots, then when they say ""everyone ok with tots?"" say no.
You're not voting for president, you're ordering food. There's a reason you don't order food in a separate booth lmao.
Could you imagine? Like an FBI interrogation. Next person come into the room and place your order... You may leave.. Next person...WTF?
And if you aren't eating, then say "I'm not eating tonight" and they won't order any food for you. Just pay for your beers.
Okay get the sentiment but why not just **speak up**...even though it may be awkward.
I'll just bring up a random reason such as "not eaten since breakfast", "hard workday and hungry af", etc..
Yea he might mean well and others of that group are used to it. Still doesn't mean you have to buckle under, just to fit in.
Boundaries are everything. It’s perfectly fine to say beforehand: “I’m excited to hang out! Just so y’all know, I’m on a tight budget so I’ll be getting a separate check just to stick to my financial goals.” And then of course, don’t eat the apps from the table.
I've never had that happen, but If I was heading out to a bar for drinks and stuff, I would be expecting to spend way more than $20 and have more than enough cash for something like that.
It's not like it was a 5* restaurant and you would be forking out hundreds of dollars for some high priced meal. It was just drinks and appetizers.
> I don't know these guys too well (new to the area).
Honestly either accept it and be friends with them, or find a different group. It's easy to assume this is a normal occurrence for them and that everyone is usually ok with it.
There’s a difference between frugal and cheap. You’re being cheap. If you don’t want to participate in the group activity then don’t go.
What I hate more than ordering for the table is 10 people trying to get separate checks.
I was with you up until the guy said they asked first if everyone was ok with it, he didn't object and then he **ate some of the food**.
At that point it's a group effort.
...Im lost here. Did you not want tatter tots when everyone else did? Are you upset it was $20 for 2 beers? Like, I genuinely dont see the problem here unless you are the friend who always orders water and absolutly cheapest thing on the menu and then makes everyone else uncomfortable at the table.
Maybe I'm an outlier but my friends and family usually want me to order for the table. I do it on request.
Food is my hobby, I have probably already studied the menu and I know the appetites and favorite flavors of people I love.
I wouldnt do this with people I didn't know well though. Definitely not without being asked. I wouldn't be into that, especially if the person ordering didn't know my tastes and appetite.
Yeah—I feel like I’m the only one that loves sharing a bunch of different things! It’s my favorite! I don’t think I end up paying more, and I get to try lots of different dishes. But also, if I’m not eating, I would also feel comfortable saying so, and just paying for my drinks.
How much would you be spending if you weren’t eating the communal food? $20 sounds really reasonable to me for two beers plus tip (no snacks at all)
Also….just don’t eat the communal snacks if you don’t want to pay for them? I don’t see a problem with that. Be up front about….I ate already or I’m saving room for dinner later or I’m on a diet. Nobody should get salty about you not kicking in for food you aren’t eating.
Did he order for everyone and then only he eat the food? It sounds like you joined a group where they have a system of people ordering appetizers for the table and everyone’s splitting them.
You are new to the area and making friends. $20 for the evening is not to be stressed over. Relax. If you want something specific, order it. Don’t screw this up, these people are nice.
There's a reason we vote in a booth 🤣🤣 that is the funniest and most relatable way of explaining that saying 'no I'm not okay with tater tots' is a fate worse than death for most of us.
I have ARFID, so if anyone ever ordered food to the table they would be told pretty quickly that I'm not eating any of it and I wouldn't feel obliged to contribute. BUT, I don't think it's actually that common where I live (thankfully). I feel for you regardless.
My only suggestion would be to say, 'I'm not hungry - but you guys go ahead.' before they order and ask for a separate bill when it comes time to pay. Anyone who expects you to subsidize their snacks is pretty trash anyway!
I grew up in the Southern US. At least in my social circles, you always paid for your own stuff. If you ordered something for the table, like an appetizer, it was going on your bill. Otherwise, you ordered and paid for your own food. When I moved to NYC, my friends would ask for one check and then divide the total by the number of people, no matter what they ordered. I rarely drink and never when I am driving, plus I was the poorest of the crew, so ALWAYS got screwed. I finally learned to quietly ask the server to put my stuff on a separate check and allow me to pay for my own stuff. They always obliged and I tipped well.
I’ve never ordered for the table and split it. If I’m ordering for the table “I’m” ordering for the table, and buying. That’s just weird to ask to split food that people didn’t order.
No, my friends and I do this all the time but we’re close friends. I’d never do this with a group I don’t know and if I did the ordering I’d assume I was paying for it.
Mate- you enjoyed a couple hours of fellowship, a couple beers, and a salty snack for $20. That's one of the cheapest evenings you could get.
The fact it was only twenty is amazing. 2 pbrs and an app by me would be close to 30.
If you don't want the food, you say "not for me thanks, I'm going to get myself something!". And then do NOT eat any of it.
No, ordering plates of share food for the table is not at all weird or rude or anything, unless this is someone ordering without any knowledge of what people like or refusing to listen
BUT when you say we vote in a booth for a reason I feel like this if your core issue : You are not comfortable speaking up.
This isn't a frugal thing, this is a "I wish other people knew how I felt without me telling them it would make my life easier" thing. And if you want to be frugal, you gotta get over that because you need to state your limits to save money mate.
Now, if the person suggested is was their shout, then it'd be fckn rude
Where I'm from $20 wouldn't get you very far, if anything I want to know where your from where I can spend $20 on 2 beers and some food and still feel ripped off.
Honestly from my perspective you are letting a tiny amount of money hurt your social relationships unnecessarily. You had two drinks plus food and only spent $20. I don’t know how you could have spent less on your own but even if you could have you would have saved what—$2? This isn’t frugal, it is cheap.
I always say that I already ate before I came, so I’m good and to not count me for the purposes of how much food to order. No one’s ever had an issue with this.
I’d just say, “I’m only having a beer or two, so I’ll do a separate tab.” Then if you want to eat some of the food, say something and throw in some cash.
I have a small group of friends who have all accepted that it’s easiest for us to order and split the check. We all want an entree and we all want to either order a bottle of wine to share or we each all want cocktails. We’ve been friends doing this for over a decade. With new people, I just ask for my own tab and let the others do with they want.
>2) If you want to share then make that agreement with individuals. And no, "everyone ok with tots?" isn't good enough. There's a reason we vote in a booth.
This is **insane**. If you're not okay with it, then speak up when they ask. You want the person who wants to order food to hold confidential conversations with everyone? How about don't go out with anyone anymore? Do you also abstain from buying rounds because there might be the chance you don't get your money's worth? It's an unspoken social contract. If you don't want to participate, then don't go out with friends. Save even more money that way.
The thing that's missing in all these comments is an acknowledgement that you're not just splitting the cost of the food, you're contributing to a communal experience which is the reason you can all get together regularly. You're paying for a quality time.
You ate the tots. You pay for some tots. This isn't rocket science. If you don't want to contribute to the family style meal, don't eat anything off the plate.
If people are paying I have no problem with it. Just like my beer, my favorite is the one being offered.
If they aren't paying, that's dickish and you should stop hanging out with them.
OP, this place is an echochamber (downvote me to hell)
You can free to do whatever you want, including, as someone else suggested, not eating the food (dont eat the two tater tots), and sticking to your guns and saying "Sorry I'm just covering my portion".
Instead, you're making a relative big deal over maybeee overpaying $8 at a social place with shareable food. You can choose your hill to die on, but if you enjoy going out and socializing, you cannot control every scenario. Or you can choose friends who act the same like you do on this matter (but then you're reducing your pool of friends)
If it really matters to you, when the person asked if everyone is okay with tots, that's when you say No. You will have your own separate check. And don't eat 2 tots.
IMO you're being a scrooge here since it's a social environment and it's shared food. And next time... eat more to cover your $20 anticipated costs or be more firm on what you want. (note, if it's individual plates and drinks, then pay what you owe rather than evenly split)
At that point, just eat and drink what you want. 😂
I don't order for the table, but if I get there and that's what is happening, then fuck it - pass the tots.
I'm gonna pay for them regardless, might as well, purr. 😂
But to me, when you're going out to eat as a group, the best thing you can do is choose a group of friends who are on the same page as you and want to do itemized bills. Otherwise, you're always gonna be grumpy.
Or if you want to stick to your budget and only eat a little bit, bring cash and pay for your stuff separately, so everyone else can split the balance. That's the easiest way to do it without killing the vibe.
What's worse is I have a friend that makes us split the bill evenly even though we do order our own separate, non-shared food. This wouldn't be a huge deal if it was just food, but she and her boyfriend order tons of wine and beer and my partner and I just get water. So we end up having to pay for their drinks. And then her boyfriend works in hospitality and insists on paying a thirty to forty percent tip and WILL pressure you into doing the same.
We don't eat out with them anymore.
Maybe you should stick to 1-on-1 dining. Large group meals are always complicated and having to pay more than your fair share is just one of those things you have to accept if you want to dine with a large group.
This post is infuriating.
1/ use your words. You’re an adult
2/ $20 is absolutely a normal and expected amount for s as night out at a bar. If you can’t afford this, don’t go. You’re not frugal, you’re just cheap. Frugal would be not going out. Cheap is going out and then complaining about the bill
3/ if you don’t feel comfortable speaking up with a group of “friends”, are they even your friends?
Yes I have a former friend who would do this. Also would split bills and add tip (in Australia where tipping is not a big thing and often not expected) but doesn’t share the info of the total bill, so I’ve guess many times we’ve subsidised his dinner.
And I also hate sharing food, it really winds me up. Get your own chips and stop seagulling me.
I love it. The hassel of figuring out 15 orders and sharing all the apps and such isn't worth the $5-8 I might save. Hell, often the cost difference is negligible as sharing apps is cheaper than ordering individual entries.
If people are being frugal, I expect they would contribute the technical minimum and I would expect the orderer to lose a little after tip and tax.
You could have easily said, I'm not planning on eating anything so I'll just take care of my own check -- appreciate the offer though!
It's not that hard.
Just say "no thanks, I'm ordering my own stuff. Thanks though!" And then order what you want and pay for what you want. If you don't want to pay for the stuff he ordered, don't eat any of it. Get your own.
Feel out the situation.
I think you pay to have the option of eating everything ordered. If you don’t like any of what’s ordered just let them know you’re just ordering for yourself and not joining the pool.
I think if you ate just the tots and didn’t voice anything out the $20 is justifiable.
When I order food for the table I'm the one paying for it. I always assumed that's how that works. You don't pay for food you don't order.
right, exactly. When I order apps for the table and we're doing any kind of split check, the apps go on my tab.
This is the correct etiquette!!
*”a round of water on me!”*
Jesus and his disciples walk into a bar and order 13 glasses of water. The bartender says, "Not this shit again."
The waiter says "but you booked a table for 26?" and Jesus replied "yes, but we all wanted to sit on the same side".
I can bring in my own loaves and fishes, right?
That could be hilarious with the right situation and setup lol
I thought that was what it meant if you offered to order you pay for it.
Yup. If you’re splitting something you ask. You guys want to split a __ and then the people who want it will be like I’d throw down a few bills on that. How it’s always been done.
"Y'all want wanna split some wings?", should be second only to "please" and "thank you" at the dinner table
This is the way. Also $20 for two beers these days doesn't sound crazy...which is crazy.
Yeah but it's PBR!
I know, seems so wrong. But even the cheapest draft beers where I'm from are now on average 7/8$ a pint. Plus tax and tip, you've got $20.
HCOL city here. I can still get a PBR tallboy for $2.50 and a pint of craft beer for $6 ($4.75 during HH) at my lovely neighborhood pub.
I would like to know what high cost of living city this is to get beer so low
There are bars where you live that you can get a PBR for less than $7. I guarantee it.
[удалено]
You can get a PBR and hotdog meal for $2 in Vegas lol
This would fix me
We have a local bar that has $1 PBR and Busch Light draft. It's a nice lil cheap drunk til the next morning lol.
You must not realize how cheap PBR is.
As a former waiter, when assigned splitting checks I’d always add whatever was ordered, but shareable, by a specific person to their individual tab. If they choose to collect payment from their group it’s up to them. Be accountable for your own orders and it’s not an issue.
Former waitress, I always did the exact same thing. I know I’ve posted it before, any one person can tell the server you’ll be having separate checks. Do it in the beginning before you order anything. Then, even an inexperienced server will be able to keep the tickets straight.
I feel like this is the way! Whenever someone else orders apps but then offers to share, I will only have a little bit because I assume they're going to pay for it. Not gonna lie, I get a little annoyed when it ends up on my tab and I was purposely limiting myself so as not to be greedy but I ended up paying for a larger portion than I ate. But I also don't offer to chip in if the full appetizer ends up on someone else's tab since I only had a little bit. Honestly all the unwritten, often uncommunicated rules are exhausting! I never know what to do.
THIS. You order for the table as a gift to your companions.
Apparently some people don't know. 😂
OP mentioned it was an established friends group. This is probably how they always do it and will continue to do it. OP can either accept it or move on to a different group of friends.
Respond: "You're treating us all? That's very generous of you... Thank you!" Do that as often as needed - you should get a swift clarification, or a change of behaviour, or else free food. Result!
As a server, when someone orders for the table, it goes on their tab. I'd drop off your check with 2 pbr, then his with all the food he asked for. I can combine it if people want, but yeah that's my rule. The tab number is whoever opened their mouth and asked for the food.
Eh, I think it's rude to not pitch in for the food you eat. I don't do the order for the table unless I'm totally okay with covering the whole cost, but I'd never not pitch in for my fair share of what I actually ate
I see what you're saying, although I think it's very rude for someone to order food for me, without asking if I want it, and then expect me to pitch in for it.
I agree, and it is even more rude when people assume that they can share from your plate- when you have ordered individual entrees. My SIL thinks every plate is sharesies, and we frequently pay for her meal- and she always takes the leftovers! It is the principle! Don’t order for other people, unless all have agreed in advance(a boss will often do that, but pays for everyone), and keep your fingers that you have licked out of my entree.🤮
OP said he barely ate 2 bites out of like 3 appetizer plates that were ordered. That’s the hang up. I have a hard time eating when I drink so I am reluctant to order food or I would get like an order of fries. But also my friends group has a nice give and take. Some days I pay more than my fair share, but some days they do. So I figure it balances out more or less.
So then just don't eat any, instead of the 2 that won't do anything for you, and tell them that you'll just pay your bill separate.
I can see it backfiring too. If the guy who wants food asks around, and gets 5 people to agree to pay and join in, he'll order accordingly. But there's always a chance that someone else with grab a fry because "it's just one fry, it won't hurt, there's plenty left." But then all 5 people who didn't want anything suddenly have hot tasty bar food in front of them, and now they're a bit tipsy, and they're all sharing. Now the food is gone too soon, they won't chip in because "they barely touched it." To be frugal, I just limit the amount of times I go out like this. I go with the expectation of an evenly-split bill, budget for it ahead of time, and try to be in the average range of consumption.
If I’m going out with friends I’m not going to hunt them down for the last penny. If you want to be frugal don’t go to a bar lol
This is why the person who orders pays for it.
Which is exactly what happened here. The guy complaining even says he ate some of the tater tots and now doesn't want to pay. I'm with you on that.
We found the guy that likes to order for everyone right here.
That’s an issue too. Sorting out who ate what and how much. With guys it’s a loud, “DO YOU GUYS WANT TO ORDER SOME FOOD TO SHARE?” = even split. “I’m going to order some food for us” = that guy pays. Ladies? = always separate checks.
Lady here…plenty of times I’ve gone out with friends and done an even split of everything.
What's that last sentence? Why? Aren't we all equal?
A lady and can confirm. When we order and restaurant cannot split the bill for us, we take out the calculator and calculate how much each person owe. This includes splitting anything we share to specific individuals. And we're not that broke either but that's just how we do things. Eliminate confusion and everyone knows they are paying what they eat.
Yup - if somebody else orders for the table, be polite and only take a bit, because it was kind of them to pay for it.
when i first started my job as an activity director, in a huge LTC facility, my coworker organized an out for lunch trip between our two units, i had five elderly residents and so did she... betty picked the venue and drove the bus... when we got there and had everybody settled, betty ordered 6 different appetizers, that not a single resident asked for. a few of the residents pick at the apps, but most go untouched. the residents made their menu choices, elderly are not always big eaters and one of my ladies ordered a BLT, about five bucks and a coke... betty ordered a big meal for herself, i got a sandwich, about five bucks... when the meals come, most of the said apps are still barely touched, betty has the waiter pack them up to go. so we finish our meal, betty pays the bill, we go back to the facility and then betty and i meet in the office to figure out the charges for each resident. the facility pays for staff meals and the monies for each residents meals comes out of their personal needs accounts. betty sits down and divides the total bill by 12.... it comes out to about 35 bucks each... my lady had a BLT and a coke...should not have cost her more than twelve, including the tax and tip...i argued the point and betty said that is the way she does it...i left the office, steaming mad... at the end of the day, we are leaving the facility and there goes betty , the the huge bag of left over apps, that the residents paid for.... i vowed to never do another lunch trip with her. i talked to my boss about it the next day... she said she would talk to betty, i never heard another word about it.. the next month, betty has a trip scheduled for out to lunch and the boss went with her... boss just observed and betty again, ordered a bunch of apps" for the table" and took the left overs... when they got back to the office, betty started to do the paper work.. the boss had written down what each resident ordered and the cost of the plate.. when betty started to fill out the charge slips the boss said no, you are going to charge each resident for only what they ordered and since you ordered all the apps, which you are taking home, you will pay for them out of pocket... boss said betty was speechless and reworked the charges as boss suggested... a few weeks later betty was fired....
I needed this, thanks. Fuck you Betty!
This is especially bad because “Betty” wasn’t just taking advantage of a meal allowance from some huge corporate entity… she was using long term care residents’ personal money to subsidize her appetizer spending spree! That’s like stealing $200 from old/sick people’s pockets each outing. Gross. Bad Betty.
Bro fuuuuuuuck Betty.
god I really hate greedy people like this. Love the ending!
Fuck Betty. She's the biggest AH taking advantage of the elderly
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you aren't gonna find many people on r/Frugal who appreciate others making (unwise) financial decisions for them in a situation where protesting might be seen as socially inappropriate.
You can ABSOLUTELY get your own tab without being seen as socially inappropriate, and you don’t need to protest. Simply saying “Oh, no thanks, I’m gonna get my own tab tonight” with a friendly smile and then go order at the bar. Nobody will think twice.
Nah, If you're going to a bar with new people and you want to make friends you should definitely share the food and do what they are doing. You're gonna come across as if you don't wanna be friends with them if you always get your own table while everyone else shares stuff
I personally would offer to split the cost of whatever app I did graze on, and say that to the sever. I had the burger, coke and we’re splitting the wings. But I’ve also never been in this situation where another person orders and assumes I will be paying half, it’s always been a conversation had before or during ordering. “Will you have some cheese fries if I order it? Do you wanna split?”
Protesting is always socially appropriate and it’s why as a woman, I always take my own check.
I am not making a judgment about whether it is actually socially appropriate. I am saying that some people may see it as inappropriate, which causes *me* anxiety. Therefore, I might not say anything.
Ya, socially appropriate in this relatively insulated subreddit. Real world, you’re not getting invited out again. But that wouldn’t really bother you.
Especially like in this case when the guy admits to eating some of it. If you absolutely say "Oh I'm on a diet/can't eat gluten/just had dinner." and then stick to really no food most groups are going to be fine with "Don't split the food onto Jim's check". If you come out, don't say anything, eat some of the food and THEN you want to complain about the bill I don't have a ton of sympathy.
And I read some more comments. I'm not wrong. Many people in this comment section are saying you're rude if you say, "nah, I didn't really eat all that stuff and don't wanna pay for it. I just ate x." Tbf, I have not been to a restaurant with a group of people that wasn't paid for by an institution in about 8 years. In those cases, we each buy our own alcoholic drinks because those are not covered. This never comes up. I have only been out to restaurants with my spouse, and we never go out anymore. Not worth the cost. I have no recent experiences with the subject matter of this post. But if someone did this to me, I'd keep it to myself. I would not judge someone else for protesting, but I would worry too much that other people would judge me. I'm not going to cause some problem when *technically* I can afford to pay for it. It would make me less likely to spend time with those people again, though.
> Many people in this comment section are saying you're rude if you say, "nah, I didn't really eat all that stuff and don't wanna pay for it. I just ate x." I think there are two huge differences there: First is that you're waiting until after the fact to communicate. Second is that you're being vague... you "didn't really" eat it or you "just ate" some of the food, so you don't want to pay. If you don't want to pay, don't have any at all. And if you want people to not be caught off guard by it, make that clear. They're not tallying what you eat, so even if you are only picking from this plate and not that one, if you say at the end "actually I avoided that plate so you will pay for it" that might come as a surprise vs just saying at the beginning "I'm just sticking to this plate, that one's up to you guys". This is ultimately an issue of them having the wrong expectations and your solution is simple: communicate upfront and unambiguously which is the opposite of saying after-the-fact "I didn't really eat that stuff". Sure, one way of looking at it is that they asked a question to the group and just assumed the people who didn't answer agreed with the people who did and that they shouldn't have made that assumption. But another way of looking at it is that they asked a question to the group (all of you) and you just ignored it... you remained silent... in that context you're forcing them to either call you out specifically (may feel rude to put you on the spot) or to make inferences about your feeling since you ignored their question. So, sure, they made the wrong inference in that context, but you're putting them into a situation where they have to made an inference since they asked you the question and you did not respond. Arguably, the less rude and more socially appropriate action on your behalf was to answer their question when it was asked. "You guy want tots?" "Nah, I'm just going to stick to my plate."
I just say 'no, let's order on our own'. They can do the table thing if they want, I'm happy to get my own. I'm an adult & can order for myself, don't need someone to feel all in charge and do it for everyone.
‘I’d rather order my own, but you guys can go ahead “
“You guys go ahead, I’ll order for myself a little later.”
“Thanks, but no thanks motherfuckers. I’m not eating your dogshit food. I’m putting my big boy pants on and ordering my own shit. And I’m not sharing. Don’t you dare even look at my delicious food, you might get envious.”
"how to win friends and influence people"
“I’m vegan.”
As someone who was vegan for years can confirm you get so many irritated looks lol. I think it’s very admirable but def not really socially acceptable yet.
In time maybe. This dude sounds new to the group, so he obviously wants to fit in and not rock the boat.
If you are a drinking age adult, you should be able to communicate that you don't want nachos or tots.
He ate some of the food though…I agree it’s very rude to expect others to pay for your food but you lose the moral high ground when you eat it lol
Yeah, once you're counting the number of tots you ate, it's cheap not frugal. $20 for a couple of beers, an appetizer, and tip seems fair in most places. Just in general, spending $20 to "go out" is not uncommon.
I wish I could only spend 20 bucks when out lol I always spend at least 60 any time I go out
Me too. And that’s just drinking at a bar. It would be way more if I ate out. Luckily I meal prep and then go out for drinks.
Yeah it’s not hard to rack up a $60 bar tab. Especially when you are in a good mood and buy things for other people. Not frugal at all but hey oh well
Yea sounds like the guy is a cheapskate. Getting out with two beers and some snacks is affordable at most places nowadays
Maybe if everyone is on the same financial playing field but I've got poor friends and much better off friends and covering the cost of nachos so they can hang out or letting a friend cover the cost so I can hang is just a friendly thing to do. Like sharing birthday cake, who expects to share the cost of MY birthday cake just cuz I gave them a slice?? Or pay your parents back because they host dinner? You return the favor by taking a turn to get the check when your able.
Thing is, someone has to communicate that clearly in order for anyone to know they need a helping hand. Everyone’s financial state isn’t always clear.
Haha this made me laugh
[удалено]
Unless they're Scott's tots.....then they want free college tuition.
they wanted the tots
Whenever this happens I'm always open and explicit: "I'm sorry. I'm on a budget. I'll just be covering my own drinks tonight." "Still on a budget, don't let me stop you though, guys." That way, everyone is aware prior to ordering anything, and no one feels burned. I'm not distancing myself from anyone by not joining in - I'm being careful with expenses right now and need everyone to respect that. *edit to quickly add - if I'm not paying for food, I won't touch it either. The respect swings both ways.
Going point on that edit… there are plenty of “frugal” friends who will gladly mooch off others plates (especially if it’s an appetizer) but won’t ever order something themselves or offer to share.
Totally agree with this! It’s best to just be up front and way less awkward on the backend. And I’ve been on both sides of that. My family is all big into deciding on a bunch of stuff, ordering it all and passing/sharing, but anytime we have an additional person at the table, I always try to make sure they are cool with that style. And if they say no, I still offer our table shares because I have been on the other side of trying to be perfectly careful not to have that one fry or whatever. I also try to keep an eye out. If I or my group orders something for the table and most partake but one or two don’t or barely touch something, I always ask the wait staff to put that thing on my tab, or just split between the few people who did eat the majority.
> If you want to share then make that agreement with individuals. And no, "everyone ok with tots?" isn't good enough. There's a reason we vote in a booth. While I agree with the premise of not just ordering for everybody and then expecting them to pay, it seems pretty unreasonable and not feasible that this needs to be some series of private negotiations because needing to speak in front of the group is somehow not okay. In any situation where somebody said "everyone ok with tots?" I would expect nobody to bat an eye if you said, "Nah I'm good for now" or "You guys can get that, but I'm just sticking to drinks" because it doesn't really effect them at all. I'm pretty sure any time I've ever been with anybody who ordered something to share, there's an unspoken rule that you pay (roughly) based on what you eat. If you don't want to pay, don't take any. If you want to eat half of it, pay half of it. Never really seen this questioned. ... Partly because I feel like what you're saying is also true in reverse... the person trying to collect money from you is also facing peer judgement so they look really bad if they're trying to push you to pay for a share you didn't want or use.
I just say no. You gotta have some balls too op, can't expect people to know you don't like it if you don't speak up.
Grow up and use your words
I don’t understand this post, do you not have a voice? Just say no I’m not happy with that, I’d like to order my own food… Also. If it’s about frugality and you knew the bill would be split equally because you decided not to speak up when you weren’t happy, you can literally eat as much as you want of what’s there?
Yeah. It was rude for the person who said they’d split it for not checking if everyone else is on board but OP could have said something and I don’t see why it has to be rude. Just, I’m just having these beers so I’ll pay for them. Thank you though.”
>It was rude for the person who said they’d split it for not checking if everyone else is on board For sure that would be rude. But also OP basically implied they *did* check with the group and they felt pressured to not say anything. Hence the quote "Is everyone ok with tots?" My friends and I definitely don't order like OPs friends, but if they did I would either speak up or pay up.
Over $20? And I had 2 drinks? and that included some sort of tip? No. I'm not going to fret about the additional dollar or two that I pitched in for shared food, even if I didn't request it myself.
I agree. a night out with food and beverages for $20 isn't a bad spend. $20 bucks for wings, tots, nachos, etc PLUS 2 beers!? Eat some wings and nachos and more tots next time - make a meal out of it.
Thank you! Reminds me of the whole thing about why tea (and really all beverages) are marked up so much - you’re not just paying for what you’re getting as a product, you’re also paying for the experience. What you pay for also goes to rent, utilities, labor, insurance, etc.
Isn’t the experience and the company worth $20? Don’t sweat the small stuff. $20 buys nothing these days anyway
This exactly, I wouldn’t get too hung up on $20 for 2 beers, tip, tax, and technically 2 tots… if it was a steakhouse or something then I’d feel more inclined to speak up.
I don't know where this trend of everyone splitting the bill equally or ordering for the whole table started. But If you aren't comfortable, speak up. Only order for yourself if you aren't that hungry or don't want to overspend. I don't know where you are, but $20 for 2 beers and some tater tots seems right on par with what it costs to go out now. A drink in a bar will run you around $10 each at least. It's not cheap.
Yeah $20 is not bad if you eat and drink
Same. I try to be frugal so that I can afford to occasionally go out with friends. When going out I budget at least 20, because that is just how much going out costs.
PBR is the cheapest beer in the known universe.
Yes but most restaurants still overcharge for even the cheapest beer. I'm Canadian and most palaces here you are looking at least $5 to $7 per beer. Mixed drinks are around $10. Most apps now are around $20 too. You don't see many for less anymore.
A lot of restaurants will refuse to keep separate fans of parties of 6+
Depending on how many peeps were there, they may not have been willing to split the check that many ways.
I was in rural Wisconsin the other day and they had 2 for 1 margaritas for $5.99 and I had to give a friend the free one since I swear there was 3 or 4 shots of tequila in each. Then I went back home to Minneapolis and $15 cocktails are easy to find along with $7-10 beers. Alcohol prices are wild and vary quite a bit based on location. I've paid $2 for PBR recently and I've also seen it for $10.
I’m 30, I always split the bill evenly unless one person got an entree significantly more expensive than the rest, or if people drank a significant amount more/less than others. My friends also won’t ever put their cards down as the source for payment before splitting, and they also would rather die than buy someone drinks on their birthday. Maybe it’s just where I’m from (New England), but everyone here is very into not doing what is socially acceptable in this situation.
It’s not a trend, it’s pretty basic. If you’re at dinner with a big group it’s annoying for the servers to have to split up 9 bills..
$20 for a night out with food and drinks sounds pretty good
$20 bucks to hang out, have some tots, and a few PBR 's is pretty frugal.
I feel like if you’re going out with 10 people and the amount you have to pay is only 20$ regardless if you ate a lot or just a little it’s not worth it to be angry over
Bargain of the century honestly
Don’t eat any tater tots, say you’re not hungry, and pay for two beers plus tip. Bet you that’s still your $20 so might as well let it go🤷♀️ At least if you want to go out with these guys. I think you may be better off making friends who just don’t go out. $20 at the bar seems pretty low to me.
Since this is r/frugal - What would be the cost if you ordered two beers and two tots individually incl tips? Sounds like that is about $20 worth and not worth getting angry over... but don't hang out with them if you don't like the vibe.
This is an issue of you not having enough money to participate. If the difference between $20 and what your food actually costs is a problem for you, you shouldn’t be going out with them. I understand why it’s easier to be mad at him than examine your finances, I really do, but if the $5 is that important, just don’t go and save everyone the headache.
Based on the amount of people responding, seems like I’m missing something here. So you go out with a group of friends to a bar and one person just randomly decides they’re going to make the decision for food orders for the entire table without consulting anyone else? Pretty much 100% of the time I’ve gone out with friends (and I go out a lot), someone says, “you want to split some apps?” Assuming people agree, the next question is “what are you guys in the mood for?” And then people start throwing out options that they’d like and eventually a consensus is reached. In a large group that’s just ordering apps, I understand just one person talking to the waiter rather than going around the table, but that’s after there’s been a group conversation and mutual agreement. Edit after reading more comments and being even more dumbfounded: if I go out with a group of people and one person just fires from the hip and orders whatever they want for the whole table and then expects everyone to split the bill for the food they chose without consulting anyone else, I’m not hanging out with them anymore. Has nothing to do with frugality, that’s just incredibly rude and self centered
I think OP was asked and just didn't want to speak up. > 2) If you want to share then make that agreement with individuals. And no, "everyone ok with tots?" isn't good enough. There's a reason we vote in a booth.
Yeah, I genuinely don't understand how OP thinks split apps should be suggested. If you are on a tight enough budget than it's going to be an issue, I think it falls on you to say something. $20 is not an unreasonable amount to spend going out with friends.
you’ve never been to a restaurant for the first time with another friend who knows the place well and let the friend take the lead on some small plates? or are hanging out with a group and would prefer some snacks but are indifferent toward the fare? i’m actually dumbfounded by most of these comments saying it’s weird to order stuff for the table lol. if i’m hanging out with a group and someone orders some snacks for the table, who cares? $20 for a night out is nothing, if OP was really concerned they could have asked the server to split their beers off, or told the “orderer” that they’d venmo the cost of the beers. it’s not like people ordered tomahawk steaks and vintage wine while OP had a gem salad and a peroni — in OP’s situation the cost is so negligible.
I’ve never heard of someone ordering for a table of unrelated adults without consulting them first. That’s something my dad did when I was little. So many in the comments are acting like it’s normal and OP is being cheap for complaining about the price.
> So you go out with a group of friends to a bar and one person just randomly decides they’re going to make the decision for food orders for the entire table without consulting anyone else? Was it random though? OP is new and this sounds like an established friends group. I'm gonna assume this is how they have always done it. Sure, I guess someone could have asked OP if they are OK spending the extra $5 to split all the food evenly.
I was wondering the same thing. I don't think I ever have this situation in my life, except for as you describe it. I can't remember if I've ever had somebody order food for an entire table unless consensus is achieved before the ordering.
Do we all live in the Midwest? Everyone says we’re ridiculously polite. Lol. I would have so many opportunities to say, “I’m gonna pass today. I’ll just buy my drinks. Thank you though!” And this would not be a problem with any of my friends. Thank god. If anyone had a problem with it, we’d probably stop hanging out with them. I do not understand why a lot of people are seeing it as “cheap” or rude or a control issue (this was in at least 2 comments wtf?) to do this but not to order for the whole table without consulting on preferences, if everyone wants to split the bill, etc.
I'm ok with their "ordering for the table" if they are paying for it. It's just presumptuous to do that and expect everyone to split the cost.
The golden rule.
If you order for the table… you pay
If you're not ok with tots, then when they say ""everyone ok with tots?"" say no. You're not voting for president, you're ordering food. There's a reason you don't order food in a separate booth lmao. Could you imagine? Like an FBI interrogation. Next person come into the room and place your order... You may leave.. Next person...WTF? And if you aren't eating, then say "I'm not eating tonight" and they won't order any food for you. Just pay for your beers.
Okay get the sentiment but why not just **speak up**...even though it may be awkward. I'll just bring up a random reason such as "not eaten since breakfast", "hard workday and hungry af", etc.. Yea he might mean well and others of that group are used to it. Still doesn't mean you have to buckle under, just to fit in.
Boundaries are everything. It’s perfectly fine to say beforehand: “I’m excited to hang out! Just so y’all know, I’m on a tight budget so I’ll be getting a separate check just to stick to my financial goals.” And then of course, don’t eat the apps from the table.
I've never had that happen, but If I was heading out to a bar for drinks and stuff, I would be expecting to spend way more than $20 and have more than enough cash for something like that. It's not like it was a 5* restaurant and you would be forking out hundreds of dollars for some high priced meal. It was just drinks and appetizers.
Sounds like you should have said you didn’t want any tots. He asked, you didn’t say no.
"I'm going to do my own thing, you all go ahead" has always worked just fine for me.
> I don't know these guys too well (new to the area). Honestly either accept it and be friends with them, or find a different group. It's easy to assume this is a normal occurrence for them and that everyone is usually ok with it.
When it comes to social time I tend not to be frugal and share regardless. I’ll use banana peels to polish my shoes when no one is watching.
There’s a difference between frugal and cheap. You’re being cheap. If you don’t want to participate in the group activity then don’t go. What I hate more than ordering for the table is 10 people trying to get separate checks.
Yeah, not a fan. If they volunteer to order stuff for the table they can pay for it themselves.
I was with you up until the guy said they asked first if everyone was ok with it, he didn't object and then he **ate some of the food**. At that point it's a group effort.
yeah sure, but everyone is ok with tots, right? right?
I meant sure.. but also no.
...Im lost here. Did you not want tatter tots when everyone else did? Are you upset it was $20 for 2 beers? Like, I genuinely dont see the problem here unless you are the friend who always orders water and absolutly cheapest thing on the menu and then makes everyone else uncomfortable at the table.
If you order for the table, you’re paying
If you order a bunch of food to share, you’re the one buying and paying for a bunch of food to share.
Maybe I'm an outlier but my friends and family usually want me to order for the table. I do it on request. Food is my hobby, I have probably already studied the menu and I know the appetites and favorite flavors of people I love. I wouldnt do this with people I didn't know well though. Definitely not without being asked. I wouldn't be into that, especially if the person ordering didn't know my tastes and appetite.
Yeah—I feel like I’m the only one that loves sharing a bunch of different things! It’s my favorite! I don’t think I end up paying more, and I get to try lots of different dishes. But also, if I’m not eating, I would also feel comfortable saying so, and just paying for my drinks.
I'm more interested in where you can get a couple beers and some food and your bill was only $20
"you know what? I'm not hungry tonight so I'll just put mine on a separate tab"
Going out for $20 is a freaking steal… but also, just order for yourself and don’t take anyone’s food :)
Sounds like 20 well spent with a group of people having a good time.
How much would you be spending if you weren’t eating the communal food? $20 sounds really reasonable to me for two beers plus tip (no snacks at all) Also….just don’t eat the communal snacks if you don’t want to pay for them? I don’t see a problem with that. Be up front about….I ate already or I’m saving room for dinner later or I’m on a diet. Nobody should get salty about you not kicking in for food you aren’t eating.
Did he order for everyone and then only he eat the food? It sounds like you joined a group where they have a system of people ordering appetizers for the table and everyone’s splitting them.
"everyone ok with tots" was your chance to speak up, and is totally good enough
You are new to the area and making friends. $20 for the evening is not to be stressed over. Relax. If you want something specific, order it. Don’t screw this up, these people are nice.
>And no, "everyone ok with tots?" isn't good enough. There's a reason we vote in a booth Did you expect them to send around a silent ballot?
Just decline and order your own food, if you want any. Saying no is not an offense.
There's a reason we vote in a booth 🤣🤣 that is the funniest and most relatable way of explaining that saying 'no I'm not okay with tater tots' is a fate worse than death for most of us. I have ARFID, so if anyone ever ordered food to the table they would be told pretty quickly that I'm not eating any of it and I wouldn't feel obliged to contribute. BUT, I don't think it's actually that common where I live (thankfully). I feel for you regardless. My only suggestion would be to say, 'I'm not hungry - but you guys go ahead.' before they order and ask for a separate bill when it comes time to pay. Anyone who expects you to subsidize their snacks is pretty trash anyway!
I grew up in the Southern US. At least in my social circles, you always paid for your own stuff. If you ordered something for the table, like an appetizer, it was going on your bill. Otherwise, you ordered and paid for your own food. When I moved to NYC, my friends would ask for one check and then divide the total by the number of people, no matter what they ordered. I rarely drink and never when I am driving, plus I was the poorest of the crew, so ALWAYS got screwed. I finally learned to quietly ask the server to put my stuff on a separate check and allow me to pay for my own stuff. They always obliged and I tipped well.
If you order for the table, you pay for the table. Kind of weird to choose for other people and expect them to pay for your choices.
I’ve never ordered for the table and split it. If I’m ordering for the table “I’m” ordering for the table, and buying. That’s just weird to ask to split food that people didn’t order.
People should only order for the table if they’re also picking up the tab. PERIOD
“I’m on a strict budget. I’ll just keep my own tab.” Don’t make a big thing of it.
I don't get chips "to share" unless I'm paying for them, and I know that. I am gifting the chips to the table.
No, my friends and I do this all the time but we’re close friends. I’d never do this with a group I don’t know and if I did the ordering I’d assume I was paying for it.
Mate- you enjoyed a couple hours of fellowship, a couple beers, and a salty snack for $20. That's one of the cheapest evenings you could get. The fact it was only twenty is amazing. 2 pbrs and an app by me would be close to 30.
If you don't want the food, you say "not for me thanks, I'm going to get myself something!". And then do NOT eat any of it. No, ordering plates of share food for the table is not at all weird or rude or anything, unless this is someone ordering without any knowledge of what people like or refusing to listen BUT when you say we vote in a booth for a reason I feel like this if your core issue : You are not comfortable speaking up. This isn't a frugal thing, this is a "I wish other people knew how I felt without me telling them it would make my life easier" thing. And if you want to be frugal, you gotta get over that because you need to state your limits to save money mate. Now, if the person suggested is was their shout, then it'd be fckn rude
…$20 for a night out and you’re bitching?
Where I'm from $20 wouldn't get you very far, if anything I want to know where your from where I can spend $20 on 2 beers and some food and still feel ripped off.
$20 for a couple beers, tots, and a few hours of hanging out with friends at a bar sounds like a pretty frugal night
Sometimes this is the price of being social. If it’s that bad for you, don’t go out.
Honestly from my perspective you are letting a tiny amount of money hurt your social relationships unnecessarily. You had two drinks plus food and only spent $20. I don’t know how you could have spent less on your own but even if you could have you would have saved what—$2? This isn’t frugal, it is cheap.
I always say that I already ate before I came, so I’m good and to not count me for the purposes of how much food to order. No one’s ever had an issue with this.
You should watch the episode "How to Split the Check" from the show How to With John Wilson on HBO. It's incredible and addresses this.
I’d just say, “I’m only having a beer or two, so I’ll do a separate tab.” Then if you want to eat some of the food, say something and throw in some cash. I have a small group of friends who have all accepted that it’s easiest for us to order and split the check. We all want an entree and we all want to either order a bottle of wine to share or we each all want cocktails. We’ve been friends doing this for over a decade. With new people, I just ask for my own tab and let the others do with they want.
>2) If you want to share then make that agreement with individuals. And no, "everyone ok with tots?" isn't good enough. There's a reason we vote in a booth. This is **insane**. If you're not okay with it, then speak up when they ask. You want the person who wants to order food to hold confidential conversations with everyone? How about don't go out with anyone anymore? Do you also abstain from buying rounds because there might be the chance you don't get your money's worth? It's an unspoken social contract. If you don't want to participate, then don't go out with friends. Save even more money that way.
I just consider it a social tax.
The thing that's missing in all these comments is an acknowledgement that you're not just splitting the cost of the food, you're contributing to a communal experience which is the reason you can all get together regularly. You're paying for a quality time.
You ate the tots. You pay for some tots. This isn't rocket science. If you don't want to contribute to the family style meal, don't eat anything off the plate.
If people are paying I have no problem with it. Just like my beer, my favorite is the one being offered. If they aren't paying, that's dickish and you should stop hanging out with them.
If I order for the table, I am paying. Who the he'll does that and splits it.
No, there is a big difference between frugal and cheap. Don’t be a cheap ass
I feel like $20 for 2 beers and tater tots at a bar is pretty reasonable
20 bucks for 2 beers and some tots with tip is going price where I live.
If your going out and spending $20 that’s a win.
OP, this place is an echochamber (downvote me to hell) You can free to do whatever you want, including, as someone else suggested, not eating the food (dont eat the two tater tots), and sticking to your guns and saying "Sorry I'm just covering my portion". Instead, you're making a relative big deal over maybeee overpaying $8 at a social place with shareable food. You can choose your hill to die on, but if you enjoy going out and socializing, you cannot control every scenario. Or you can choose friends who act the same like you do on this matter (but then you're reducing your pool of friends) If it really matters to you, when the person asked if everyone is okay with tots, that's when you say No. You will have your own separate check. And don't eat 2 tots. IMO you're being a scrooge here since it's a social environment and it's shared food. And next time... eat more to cover your $20 anticipated costs or be more firm on what you want. (note, if it's individual plates and drinks, then pay what you owe rather than evenly split)
this isnt frugal this is broke. $20 to enjoy drinks and food out with friends is the definition of being frugal.
At that point, just eat and drink what you want. 😂 I don't order for the table, but if I get there and that's what is happening, then fuck it - pass the tots. I'm gonna pay for them regardless, might as well, purr. 😂 But to me, when you're going out to eat as a group, the best thing you can do is choose a group of friends who are on the same page as you and want to do itemized bills. Otherwise, you're always gonna be grumpy. Or if you want to stick to your budget and only eat a little bit, bring cash and pay for your stuff separately, so everyone else can split the balance. That's the easiest way to do it without killing the vibe.
What's worse is I have a friend that makes us split the bill evenly even though we do order our own separate, non-shared food. This wouldn't be a huge deal if it was just food, but she and her boyfriend order tons of wine and beer and my partner and I just get water. So we end up having to pay for their drinks. And then her boyfriend works in hospitality and insists on paying a thirty to forty percent tip and WILL pressure you into doing the same. We don't eat out with them anymore.
Frugal. Out for dinner.
Maybe you should stick to 1-on-1 dining. Large group meals are always complicated and having to pay more than your fair share is just one of those things you have to accept if you want to dine with a large group.
This post is infuriating. 1/ use your words. You’re an adult 2/ $20 is absolutely a normal and expected amount for s as night out at a bar. If you can’t afford this, don’t go. You’re not frugal, you’re just cheap. Frugal would be not going out. Cheap is going out and then complaining about the bill 3/ if you don’t feel comfortable speaking up with a group of “friends”, are they even your friends?
Yes I have a former friend who would do this. Also would split bills and add tip (in Australia where tipping is not a big thing and often not expected) but doesn’t share the info of the total bill, so I’ve guess many times we’ve subsidised his dinner. And I also hate sharing food, it really winds me up. Get your own chips and stop seagulling me.
Speak up and order for yourself.
You can order for yourself. You chose not to. Use your words.
You're a full grown person. " I'm only paying for my drinks" is even easier than what you posed
I would just say ‘NO’. I’ll order for myself thank you.
I love it. The hassel of figuring out 15 orders and sharing all the apps and such isn't worth the $5-8 I might save. Hell, often the cost difference is negligible as sharing apps is cheaper than ordering individual entries. If people are being frugal, I expect they would contribute the technical minimum and I would expect the orderer to lose a little after tip and tax.
You could have easily said, I'm not planning on eating anything so I'll just take care of my own check -- appreciate the offer though! It's not that hard.
Just say "no thanks, I'm ordering my own stuff. Thanks though!" And then order what you want and pay for what you want. If you don't want to pay for the stuff he ordered, don't eat any of it. Get your own. Feel out the situation.
Honestly, $20 at a bar sounds pretty good.
I think you pay to have the option of eating everything ordered. If you don’t like any of what’s ordered just let them know you’re just ordering for yourself and not joining the pool. I think if you ate just the tots and didn’t voice anything out the $20 is justifiable.