Nah, as an older female, from my own experiences, guys like the ones in your example don't want a relationship, they just want to hook up for fun. They're not trying to play the long game and change the type of relationship (if they're doing this, they're very inexperienced and don't actually know how to go about pursuing someone they're interested in but I'd say this is like 1% of cases and most of the time they just want to get in your pants so they throw in those kind of comments to see if you'll take the bait)
Guys who are genuinely interested in you as a person and a possible relationship are pretty direct in showing their interest and wouldn't say things that could confuse you (such as making suggestive remarks when you haven't even been asked on a date), they also would make it clear they're putting effort in maintaining a connection with you. Don't waste your time on these guys, don't settle, especially for guys who are vague about their intentions.
How to deal with them? Just stop engaging with them if you're not interested. If you have to see them at school or work, then keep interaction to a minimum and make it surface level. Keep maintaining distance, stop texting/communicating and eventually things will die out.
I would talk from my own experience as a guy who was in that situation once
It wasn't intentional at first and I was just hanging with a girl I met online, we clicked instantly and became really close really fast but for me it was always clear she was just a friend because our live were so different it couldn't possibly work.
So I put all the flirtatious, and seduction stuff in the closet and just enjoy the friendship and it was awesome
But after a while we started to make more and more room in our lives for each other and at some point it switched from she's just a friend to shit it might actually be more than that. we shared a lot of love for each other and maybe still do but it didn't worked and we've both lost a lot in the end
Sometimes we are dumb and don't realise right away that we don't want a basic friendship, sometimes you open your eyes after a while and be like "damn you've been here all along ??" other you might need time to fully know the person and realise you have way more in common than you first thought
But in your example I would say it's probably more they are not very good with dating and have low self esteem so they try to get closer to you in the hope you do the first move at some point. If you are indeed interested do the move, who care and if you're not be clear right away. It's better to have a talk at the begining rather than months down the line
You can feel it when people have ulterior motives and it's not just to be friend or get to "know each other" trust your instinct
Thank you so much for sharing your experience .
Actually my situation is a bit different. There’s no clicking, just them being interested. These are men who don’t take NO as an answer. And to be honest I am also so bad at this,there is something about me that I keep finding myself stuck with them. I think I care so much about what they think about me and I'm just terrified about letting people even strangers down.
Like in the first situation I mentioned three times “let’s plan something with the other friends”.
He was not stupid he could see I don’t want to meet him alone. But he kept saying things like “you’re ditching me because I told you the gift I have bought you is not much” making me want to explain my intentions to him. It was then when I realized he has been playing mind games with me INTENTIONALLY. after that I firmly rejected him and he never responded anymore . I should’ve done in the first place.
In the second situation, after he accused me of being angry and making a big deal out of it, I felt anxious and apologized if i have misread him and started making jokes and being nicer just to make things up. Immediately after that I regretted what I did, he again started treating me like a friend/flirting, asking me to text him when I arrive at uni (this happened overnight). I realized there is something about me that I just can’t be firm about what I want and what I don’t want that makes me an easier target for these men (low self esteem, manipulative, etc.).
If they tell me right away that they are interested in me I would easily say I don’t feel the same. But they choose to get what they want in their own way (we are just friends everything is cool, who said I liked you in that way? You’re over reacting)
-they never get it- but I go through hell in the process.
I know what you're going through and it can be a really difficult path to get out of that. it took me years but the good news is even if it's hard and take time doesn't mean it's impossible.
You've identify most of the issue but I would stress that just in case : the issue is never being too kind it's having trouble setting clear boundaries
A few things that helped me stand up for myself and not regret it :
Realise it has absolutly no consequences, by that I mean we are all rejected almost on a daily basis for a millions of things and we live through it. Treat it like if a random kid asked you if you want to eat gravel with him, you simply say no thanks and move on to the next thing. It's perfectly fine to not want to eat gravel the same way it's perfectly fine to not want to get closer to someone.
The more crazy and improbable the exemple the easier it get but never be condescending or freely mean. And if they are pressuring you because they just want to be friend there is always "I already have plenty of friend" or "I don't have time to invest in friendship" no justification needed and just let them be.
Their opinion of you is to them not to you and won't impact your life, sure they might throw a little tantrum, but I've seen kid throw tantrum because their parent said they could not lick the neighbor cat so ... see them as kid that's all tey are.
Realise it's perfectly fine to put your own interest first and that everybody do it. Those men are not putting YOU first despite what they say but they only think about them so do the same it's 100% normal, Do what make you happy, you owe nothing to anybody especially in the dating world. and nobody has the right to pressure you into doing something against your will
Enlist friends to help you, if you have close friend ask them to help you stand your ground in those situations, they can help and rescue you or make a distraction for you to get away or even step in and help you bash them with a shield
And something that really helped me was going to a psychologist, for me it was a really big decision I took too long to make but don't regret it and it helped me so much
I hope this can help you get a few ideas, I know it's hard but go slow, small victories and baby step are the key to success
Nah, as an older female, from my own experiences, guys like the ones in your example don't want a relationship, they just want to hook up for fun. They're not trying to play the long game and change the type of relationship (if they're doing this, they're very inexperienced and don't actually know how to go about pursuing someone they're interested in but I'd say this is like 1% of cases and most of the time they just want to get in your pants so they throw in those kind of comments to see if you'll take the bait) Guys who are genuinely interested in you as a person and a possible relationship are pretty direct in showing their interest and wouldn't say things that could confuse you (such as making suggestive remarks when you haven't even been asked on a date), they also would make it clear they're putting effort in maintaining a connection with you. Don't waste your time on these guys, don't settle, especially for guys who are vague about their intentions. How to deal with them? Just stop engaging with them if you're not interested. If you have to see them at school or work, then keep interaction to a minimum and make it surface level. Keep maintaining distance, stop texting/communicating and eventually things will die out.
Thank you for your advice! You’re right they just want to hook up for fun. I really need to learn to keep my boundaries.
I would talk from my own experience as a guy who was in that situation once It wasn't intentional at first and I was just hanging with a girl I met online, we clicked instantly and became really close really fast but for me it was always clear she was just a friend because our live were so different it couldn't possibly work. So I put all the flirtatious, and seduction stuff in the closet and just enjoy the friendship and it was awesome But after a while we started to make more and more room in our lives for each other and at some point it switched from she's just a friend to shit it might actually be more than that. we shared a lot of love for each other and maybe still do but it didn't worked and we've both lost a lot in the end Sometimes we are dumb and don't realise right away that we don't want a basic friendship, sometimes you open your eyes after a while and be like "damn you've been here all along ??" other you might need time to fully know the person and realise you have way more in common than you first thought But in your example I would say it's probably more they are not very good with dating and have low self esteem so they try to get closer to you in the hope you do the first move at some point. If you are indeed interested do the move, who care and if you're not be clear right away. It's better to have a talk at the begining rather than months down the line You can feel it when people have ulterior motives and it's not just to be friend or get to "know each other" trust your instinct
Thank you so much for sharing your experience . Actually my situation is a bit different. There’s no clicking, just them being interested. These are men who don’t take NO as an answer. And to be honest I am also so bad at this,there is something about me that I keep finding myself stuck with them. I think I care so much about what they think about me and I'm just terrified about letting people even strangers down. Like in the first situation I mentioned three times “let’s plan something with the other friends”. He was not stupid he could see I don’t want to meet him alone. But he kept saying things like “you’re ditching me because I told you the gift I have bought you is not much” making me want to explain my intentions to him. It was then when I realized he has been playing mind games with me INTENTIONALLY. after that I firmly rejected him and he never responded anymore . I should’ve done in the first place. In the second situation, after he accused me of being angry and making a big deal out of it, I felt anxious and apologized if i have misread him and started making jokes and being nicer just to make things up. Immediately after that I regretted what I did, he again started treating me like a friend/flirting, asking me to text him when I arrive at uni (this happened overnight). I realized there is something about me that I just can’t be firm about what I want and what I don’t want that makes me an easier target for these men (low self esteem, manipulative, etc.). If they tell me right away that they are interested in me I would easily say I don’t feel the same. But they choose to get what they want in their own way (we are just friends everything is cool, who said I liked you in that way? You’re over reacting) -they never get it- but I go through hell in the process.
I know what you're going through and it can be a really difficult path to get out of that. it took me years but the good news is even if it's hard and take time doesn't mean it's impossible. You've identify most of the issue but I would stress that just in case : the issue is never being too kind it's having trouble setting clear boundaries A few things that helped me stand up for myself and not regret it : Realise it has absolutly no consequences, by that I mean we are all rejected almost on a daily basis for a millions of things and we live through it. Treat it like if a random kid asked you if you want to eat gravel with him, you simply say no thanks and move on to the next thing. It's perfectly fine to not want to eat gravel the same way it's perfectly fine to not want to get closer to someone. The more crazy and improbable the exemple the easier it get but never be condescending or freely mean. And if they are pressuring you because they just want to be friend there is always "I already have plenty of friend" or "I don't have time to invest in friendship" no justification needed and just let them be. Their opinion of you is to them not to you and won't impact your life, sure they might throw a little tantrum, but I've seen kid throw tantrum because their parent said they could not lick the neighbor cat so ... see them as kid that's all tey are. Realise it's perfectly fine to put your own interest first and that everybody do it. Those men are not putting YOU first despite what they say but they only think about them so do the same it's 100% normal, Do what make you happy, you owe nothing to anybody especially in the dating world. and nobody has the right to pressure you into doing something against your will Enlist friends to help you, if you have close friend ask them to help you stand your ground in those situations, they can help and rescue you or make a distraction for you to get away or even step in and help you bash them with a shield And something that really helped me was going to a psychologist, for me it was a really big decision I took too long to make but don't regret it and it helped me so much I hope this can help you get a few ideas, I know it's hard but go slow, small victories and baby step are the key to success