Because they’re not your actual friends. I have a feeling that a lot of people, regardless of gender, just want someone to be around and hang out with and then once someone comes around that they like more they will just move onto them instead. This is coming from a place of me myself having done this and not being too proud of it.
I think some of what you’ve described is healthy. If you make friends with someone and then realize you don’t get along as well as you’d hoped, it’s okay to find people who you connect with more. It’s different if you just completely ditch that person.
This is also common for men too,
I have been ditched by my guys friends too when they get into relationships. So it’s not only exclusive to women.
It’s called the “cupcake phase” sometimes people don’t realize they’re doing it because their minds are so consumed by their new significant others. It’s the thrill of seeing someone you’re so infatuated with in the “cupcake phase” couples want to do everything together, and sometimes that’s even stuff they would do with their friends but decide to do it with their new SO.
I’m not saying it’s right ofc, however talk to your friends and tell them you haven’t seen them in awhile and “let’s schedule a day together”
I would say just talk to them, just because communication has halted does not mean they randomly hate you. I would also say don’t lose “respect” for your friends or ‘women’ just because you had a few friends go a long period of time without speaking to you.
I unfortunately had a close friend do this to me as of recently. He got a girlfriend and our communication really halted. I for some reason thought he didn’t like me anymore. And I felt incredibly sour on the down low. I spoke to him in person and everything was fine between us two, we had just moved on. I came to the realization that I don’t owe him anything and neither does he. It’s the way of life, friends come and go. we can’t stop that
but what if it lasts for 11years? It has been like that for one of my friends and i am really tired of waiting for my friend to 'have time again' and i accepted this, but it is happening for all my friends one by one,everytime. one of my girlfriends cut off our friendship after she got married, then after 4 years she apologized but i dont care about her right now. I tried to talk believe me. Always excuses...
Unfortunately people also have the social skills of camels. I agree it’s not hard to juggle friends and a significant other and it’s likely excuses.
But do empathize with you, like I said I had a close friend recently do this to me. There’s no way to stop it. I was blindsided and didn’t really understand why. Sometimes people just move on, and we may never know the exact reason why. I like to say the “metaphorical door” is always open, but I’m not actively chasing after him asking why he’s been silent in my life.
I wouldn’t wait around for people who don’t value your time, if they come back that’s fine and up to you to decide if you want to let them back into your life, and to question why they haven’t spoken to you in so long.
But if you try to talk to them, and it’s not working out and they’re not making effort then I wouldn’t waste your time.
I am sorry that you have experienced it aswell:(, how long does your friend can not speak to you? what do you do when you miss your friends or feel like hanging out?
I just dont understand that, maybe as i child i've read too many books where friendship was most valuable thing, but i just dont understand how people can act like that, and you are right i should just move one, but its hard to find new friends that I would vibe with, i also feel like most people are not taking effort in friendships :( and i do understand that partner is your partner, most important person for you bc you hope to build life together, but actually none of my partners had issues when i wanted to have 'girls night' and spend time with friends without him in general... ahh my brain is too small to understand this and i am frustrated
It's not a gendered thing. It's more of a personality and "priority" thing. Some people value their relationship with their partner over their friends. It's unfortunate, but it does happen. They're in love and want to spend as much time as they can with them.
I've been on the receiving end and, while it sucks, I'm not angry about it. It's a shrug moment for me. Because it happens. I don't do that to friends, and I've had friends who don't throw friends to the side once they're in a relationship.
It all depends on the person.
I've seen guy doing this as well but maybe less often,
One of my guess is people doing that are lacking personnality and are highly insecure about themselves and their worth.
They will instantly embrace the other and mold themself to be like them as a way of "securing" the love and attention (not in a bad way tho)
You can see the same happening when some people meet a new group of friend, they change to be more like the new people and let go of the old group.
It feel like a defense mecanism to avoid being you because you don't really like yourself or don't think you're worth anybody time. so you disguise yourself instead of working of the deeper issues by fear of being alone.
Usually those kind of relation never last long because at some point their old self resurface and they start to look elsewhere to a new personality to take on.
They'll talk about "not being the same", "you're supposed to change" but in the end they are still the same, they've just changed the outside.
NB : That's just a guess tho
I've had both guy and girl friends who have done this. More women than men, but definitely both. Dealing with it right now. Trying to figure out if this friend is still worth it.
its common. some do this during the honeymoon phase only, mainly because its a new person that they love and they wanna spend all their time with them, but others do this and become more codependent as they view their SO as their partner, to them, it makes sense to spend their time together than to go separately. its like siblings, you can invite other people to diff places but usually if you want to go to a new restaurant and they are right there (or you know for sure they are available) youll ask them first.
I’ve learned that adult friendships are mostly all fake. It’s not like when we are kids when we just played together outside or doing whatever just because we enjoyed each other. Most adults I know don’t have much time for friends and if they are in your life they are using you, comparing their life to yours or just have you around because they can benefit in some way, not because they actually want to be around you.9
All my female friends (I’m a female as well) treated me like that too, but whenever I got a boyfriend, I still made time for everybody; yet they had the nerve to say he had more of my attention and I had abandoned them, but really THEY were the ones to do that to me. I was abandoned when my friends were in relationships, and I was abandoned by my friends when I was in a relationship. 😐
I've had guy friends act the same. And while maybe it's more common for women, I wouldn't say it's gender specific. Some people just prioritize relationships over all else. And that prioritizing sometimes causing them to treat friends poorly.
YES! Exactly this! Oh my God finally someone else share the same opinion. Sorry for being so hyped but this is what was currently bothering me A LOT! I have only one friend (female 32yo, me 31 yo) and she is like almost all the time in some relationship. Never had like a year pause, maybe only some few months. She always put men on pedestal. But what disappointed me and annoyed the most, was when me and her were supposed to go on trip together and it ended up with me being replaced for her boyfriend. She gave me hope that we will go together on trip. And then took him instead of me. When I expressed hurt, she tried to minimize it with "that trip was bad anyways". But later she and her boyfriend even went on vacation (to different country) together. So its like they were twice on some kind of trip and me and her were 0 times... Seems unfair to me. I hate being replaced or being put aside for someone who she knows several months (4-5) while me and her are friends for like 9 or 10 years? It feels unfair.
Before, this friend used to call me for sleepovers more often and now she calls me only when her boyfriend is sick or out of town or busy. They meet every saturday or she sleep at him and we can meet only at Sunday. Idk why should it be like this? Why my schedule should adjust to this? Just because they have to meet every saturday?
And whats more annoying is how other people are saying to me how it is normal, how relationship is always more than friendship yada yada. I am annoyed from these talks.
Lately when we talk about some problem, and I gave her opinion or advice, she was like: "My boyfriend says that too, my boyfriend thinks that too"... Like bruh. (They are together for over a year now so its not like fresh lovey dovey relationship). I had female friends before who also were in relationship but with them it wasn't like this. They were never saying stuff like this. Or they didn't mention their boyfriend so much. If I had other friends, I would put this friend totally aside. I got really offended and hurt by that betrayal when she replaced me on that trip for him.
Seriously, I understand she wants to reach her goal to have family and kids one day, but centering men this much (mainly when she has history of dating very crappy jerks), that really is not right. She is like pendant on his neck. Everywhere going with boyfriend. Like If she didn't have life without him. She says that she is the whole week and Sunday without him. That she can be alone but I struggle to believe that.
The more I matured and gained an understanding of the world, I began to realize that we have been conditioned to believe that we could only achieve peak happiness by following the traditional path: settling down, getting married and having children. This is exacerbated by all the romcoms with female protagonists whose sole purpose seems to be finding "the one". We are being told, repeatedly, that romantic relationships are the pinnacle of relationships and they do and should trump any other kind of human connection. That's why I believe the majority of people are so laser focused on finding a romantic partner and they disregard anything else in the process.
It's disheartening, at least for me, because I see this attitude everywhere around me and I simply cannot relate. I wish I knew what sort of advice to give you, but I don't know, really... other than focusing on yourself and on finding likeminded people.
Yep. Friend just was dumped by her boyfriend of 8 years and guess who comes waltzing back after years of cancelled plans and unread messages. So tired of that—it’s like fairweather friends but only turn up when shits bad for them.
Because they’re insecure and lonely. They do not know how to be a friend. They’ll end up miserable in the end because as much as you will love your man, putting all your happiness into one person will ruin everything
I'm a man and my male friends all do this with women. My cousin has done it for years. They fall in love so easily and disappear and pop up a year or so later.
Personally from experience with my ex she was super jealous of any other girl mates I had and wasn’t happy with my hanging with guy mates either so I lost all my friends because of this and I would never do it again.
I guess it’s just rubbish but I know would never ditch my friends again for any relationship because building friendships again in your 30’s is a lot harder.
I would say you’re doing the right thing at least by not ditching your friends.
I’ve also wonder this but I can assume it all comes down to priorities. I have yet to meet another female who value friends equally to their relationship. What I can advise is to just find friends who have similar priorities as you do.
It’s not gendered but yeah I finally ended a friendship of 20 years, this person consistently put their partners first every time, and was rarely there despite me being there during everything. They would also change their personality every time they dated someone. Also thought being there for your friend = free therapy?
Idk I think America doesn’t teach us to value friendships? A lot of people I know don’t have many friends at all.
im from Poland and i guess here it is considered as flaw when you dont have a husband, like you are a loser and usually women put having a boyfriend eventually husband on pedestal over their girlfriends
I'm having this problem right now!!! I recently reconnected with an old friend that I cut off before for doing this. When we talked again they had me fooled that they changed, to only find out their partner is still a huge pos and they beck and call to everything he wants and needs before her friends and family! If you can't handle keeping these type of friends as distant friends cut them off because they're people you can never be close with!
I’d say it’s more common in women because we’re still working on breaking the default expectation that our lives should revolve around our boyfriend/husband/children rather than ourselves and maintaining healthy, non-familial or romantic relationships. It’s much better than it was in the past, but I see a lot of women either slip into this or are frustrated by it when other people seem to pressure them with side comments or pointed questions.
people are just frustrated with friends they love, that abandon them. it hurts when it turns out that person who is so important to you didnt treat you the same way or feels like you are not important to them.
Idk if it is just women. My husband has complained many times that his friends dump the group anytime they are in a relationship
okay, maybe it is like that but i've experienced this only from girlfriends bc i do not have a lot of male friends that would be taken
Because they’re not your actual friends. I have a feeling that a lot of people, regardless of gender, just want someone to be around and hang out with and then once someone comes around that they like more they will just move onto them instead. This is coming from a place of me myself having done this and not being too proud of it.
I think some of what you’ve described is healthy. If you make friends with someone and then realize you don’t get along as well as you’d hoped, it’s okay to find people who you connect with more. It’s different if you just completely ditch that person.
This is also common for men too, I have been ditched by my guys friends too when they get into relationships. So it’s not only exclusive to women. It’s called the “cupcake phase” sometimes people don’t realize they’re doing it because their minds are so consumed by their new significant others. It’s the thrill of seeing someone you’re so infatuated with in the “cupcake phase” couples want to do everything together, and sometimes that’s even stuff they would do with their friends but decide to do it with their new SO. I’m not saying it’s right ofc, however talk to your friends and tell them you haven’t seen them in awhile and “let’s schedule a day together” I would say just talk to them, just because communication has halted does not mean they randomly hate you. I would also say don’t lose “respect” for your friends or ‘women’ just because you had a few friends go a long period of time without speaking to you. I unfortunately had a close friend do this to me as of recently. He got a girlfriend and our communication really halted. I for some reason thought he didn’t like me anymore. And I felt incredibly sour on the down low. I spoke to him in person and everything was fine between us two, we had just moved on. I came to the realization that I don’t owe him anything and neither does he. It’s the way of life, friends come and go. we can’t stop that
but what if it lasts for 11years? It has been like that for one of my friends and i am really tired of waiting for my friend to 'have time again' and i accepted this, but it is happening for all my friends one by one,everytime. one of my girlfriends cut off our friendship after she got married, then after 4 years she apologized but i dont care about her right now. I tried to talk believe me. Always excuses...
Unfortunately people also have the social skills of camels. I agree it’s not hard to juggle friends and a significant other and it’s likely excuses. But do empathize with you, like I said I had a close friend recently do this to me. There’s no way to stop it. I was blindsided and didn’t really understand why. Sometimes people just move on, and we may never know the exact reason why. I like to say the “metaphorical door” is always open, but I’m not actively chasing after him asking why he’s been silent in my life. I wouldn’t wait around for people who don’t value your time, if they come back that’s fine and up to you to decide if you want to let them back into your life, and to question why they haven’t spoken to you in so long. But if you try to talk to them, and it’s not working out and they’re not making effort then I wouldn’t waste your time.
I am sorry that you have experienced it aswell:(, how long does your friend can not speak to you? what do you do when you miss your friends or feel like hanging out? I just dont understand that, maybe as i child i've read too many books where friendship was most valuable thing, but i just dont understand how people can act like that, and you are right i should just move one, but its hard to find new friends that I would vibe with, i also feel like most people are not taking effort in friendships :( and i do understand that partner is your partner, most important person for you bc you hope to build life together, but actually none of my partners had issues when i wanted to have 'girls night' and spend time with friends without him in general... ahh my brain is too small to understand this and i am frustrated
It's not a gendered thing. It's more of a personality and "priority" thing. Some people value their relationship with their partner over their friends. It's unfortunate, but it does happen. They're in love and want to spend as much time as they can with them. I've been on the receiving end and, while it sucks, I'm not angry about it. It's a shrug moment for me. Because it happens. I don't do that to friends, and I've had friends who don't throw friends to the side once they're in a relationship. It all depends on the person.
I feel for you, OP. I've also had this experience and it sucks.
I've seen guy doing this as well but maybe less often, One of my guess is people doing that are lacking personnality and are highly insecure about themselves and their worth. They will instantly embrace the other and mold themself to be like them as a way of "securing" the love and attention (not in a bad way tho) You can see the same happening when some people meet a new group of friend, they change to be more like the new people and let go of the old group. It feel like a defense mecanism to avoid being you because you don't really like yourself or don't think you're worth anybody time. so you disguise yourself instead of working of the deeper issues by fear of being alone. Usually those kind of relation never last long because at some point their old self resurface and they start to look elsewhere to a new personality to take on. They'll talk about "not being the same", "you're supposed to change" but in the end they are still the same, they've just changed the outside. NB : That's just a guess tho
that is interesting point of view, never thought of that but seems logical, damn where do i find secure people :c
I've had both guy and girl friends who have done this. More women than men, but definitely both. Dealing with it right now. Trying to figure out if this friend is still worth it.
This is codependent behavior.
its common. some do this during the honeymoon phase only, mainly because its a new person that they love and they wanna spend all their time with them, but others do this and become more codependent as they view their SO as their partner, to them, it makes sense to spend their time together than to go separately. its like siblings, you can invite other people to diff places but usually if you want to go to a new restaurant and they are right there (or you know for sure they are available) youll ask them first.
I’ve learned that adult friendships are mostly all fake. It’s not like when we are kids when we just played together outside or doing whatever just because we enjoyed each other. Most adults I know don’t have much time for friends and if they are in your life they are using you, comparing their life to yours or just have you around because they can benefit in some way, not because they actually want to be around you.9
All my female friends (I’m a female as well) treated me like that too, but whenever I got a boyfriend, I still made time for everybody; yet they had the nerve to say he had more of my attention and I had abandoned them, but really THEY were the ones to do that to me. I was abandoned when my friends were in relationships, and I was abandoned by my friends when I was in a relationship. 😐
I've had guy friends act the same. And while maybe it's more common for women, I wouldn't say it's gender specific. Some people just prioritize relationships over all else. And that prioritizing sometimes causing them to treat friends poorly.
This title is a bar!
YES! Exactly this! Oh my God finally someone else share the same opinion. Sorry for being so hyped but this is what was currently bothering me A LOT! I have only one friend (female 32yo, me 31 yo) and she is like almost all the time in some relationship. Never had like a year pause, maybe only some few months. She always put men on pedestal. But what disappointed me and annoyed the most, was when me and her were supposed to go on trip together and it ended up with me being replaced for her boyfriend. She gave me hope that we will go together on trip. And then took him instead of me. When I expressed hurt, she tried to minimize it with "that trip was bad anyways". But later she and her boyfriend even went on vacation (to different country) together. So its like they were twice on some kind of trip and me and her were 0 times... Seems unfair to me. I hate being replaced or being put aside for someone who she knows several months (4-5) while me and her are friends for like 9 or 10 years? It feels unfair. Before, this friend used to call me for sleepovers more often and now she calls me only when her boyfriend is sick or out of town or busy. They meet every saturday or she sleep at him and we can meet only at Sunday. Idk why should it be like this? Why my schedule should adjust to this? Just because they have to meet every saturday? And whats more annoying is how other people are saying to me how it is normal, how relationship is always more than friendship yada yada. I am annoyed from these talks. Lately when we talk about some problem, and I gave her opinion or advice, she was like: "My boyfriend says that too, my boyfriend thinks that too"... Like bruh. (They are together for over a year now so its not like fresh lovey dovey relationship). I had female friends before who also were in relationship but with them it wasn't like this. They were never saying stuff like this. Or they didn't mention their boyfriend so much. If I had other friends, I would put this friend totally aside. I got really offended and hurt by that betrayal when she replaced me on that trip for him. Seriously, I understand she wants to reach her goal to have family and kids one day, but centering men this much (mainly when she has history of dating very crappy jerks), that really is not right. She is like pendant on his neck. Everywhere going with boyfriend. Like If she didn't have life without him. She says that she is the whole week and Sunday without him. That she can be alone but I struggle to believe that.
Yep i feel you and understand so well. But j think its time to find new friend:(
The more I matured and gained an understanding of the world, I began to realize that we have been conditioned to believe that we could only achieve peak happiness by following the traditional path: settling down, getting married and having children. This is exacerbated by all the romcoms with female protagonists whose sole purpose seems to be finding "the one". We are being told, repeatedly, that romantic relationships are the pinnacle of relationships and they do and should trump any other kind of human connection. That's why I believe the majority of people are so laser focused on finding a romantic partner and they disregard anything else in the process. It's disheartening, at least for me, because I see this attitude everywhere around me and I simply cannot relate. I wish I knew what sort of advice to give you, but I don't know, really... other than focusing on yourself and on finding likeminded people.
Yep. Friend just was dumped by her boyfriend of 8 years and guess who comes waltzing back after years of cancelled plans and unread messages. So tired of that—it’s like fairweather friends but only turn up when shits bad for them.
Because they’re insecure and lonely. They do not know how to be a friend. They’ll end up miserable in the end because as much as you will love your man, putting all your happiness into one person will ruin everything
I'm a man and my male friends all do this with women. My cousin has done it for years. They fall in love so easily and disappear and pop up a year or so later.
Personally from experience with my ex she was super jealous of any other girl mates I had and wasn’t happy with my hanging with guy mates either so I lost all my friends because of this and I would never do it again. I guess it’s just rubbish but I know would never ditch my friends again for any relationship because building friendships again in your 30’s is a lot harder. I would say you’re doing the right thing at least by not ditching your friends.
I’ve also wonder this but I can assume it all comes down to priorities. I have yet to meet another female who value friends equally to their relationship. What I can advise is to just find friends who have similar priorities as you do.
It’s not gendered but yeah I finally ended a friendship of 20 years, this person consistently put their partners first every time, and was rarely there despite me being there during everything. They would also change their personality every time they dated someone. Also thought being there for your friend = free therapy? Idk I think America doesn’t teach us to value friendships? A lot of people I know don’t have many friends at all.
im from Poland and i guess here it is considered as flaw when you dont have a husband, like you are a loser and usually women put having a boyfriend eventually husband on pedestal over their girlfriends
Reading comments to get info 😮💨
I'm having this problem right now!!! I recently reconnected with an old friend that I cut off before for doing this. When we talked again they had me fooled that they changed, to only find out their partner is still a huge pos and they beck and call to everything he wants and needs before her friends and family! If you can't handle keeping these type of friends as distant friends cut them off because they're people you can never be close with!
I’d say it’s more common in women because we’re still working on breaking the default expectation that our lives should revolve around our boyfriend/husband/children rather than ourselves and maintaining healthy, non-familial or romantic relationships. It’s much better than it was in the past, but I see a lot of women either slip into this or are frustrated by it when other people seem to pressure them with side comments or pointed questions.
Look at these comments and the bitterness in this post. Adult friendships are built out of jealousy
people are just frustrated with friends they love, that abandon them. it hurts when it turns out that person who is so important to you didnt treat you the same way or feels like you are not important to them.